Love Does Not Take Offence
by WestCoastTrees
Summary: <html><head></head>This story follows Eli and Clare post Drop the World through to their college years as they go in somewhat separate directions that converge as the things they both love place them in close proximity at times. ECLARE.</html>
1. Letting Her Go

**Hi everyone! So thank you all so much for your lovely reviews on Finding Strength! They encouraged me to explore a different vision for Clare and Eli's future past the Drop the World Disaster. This story will take them from Degrassi immediately post Drop the World to their first few years in college. As always, I promise you a happy ending. It will just take them longer which is why we enter their college years – after the mess they decided to take them down in DTW, I felt time and different experiences were necessary. I still don't understand why the show did that to Clare and Eli, if someone knows and can enlighten me I would be forever grateful. **

**In this first chapter we explore Eli's thoughts after a week of reflection. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real-world references I happen to make. I still love everyone involved with Degrassi, I just wish they could have shown us that love back with the Eli/Clare story, not break our hearts in that horrible way. **

**Eli's POV**

"Just…please, Adam. Just do it for me, okay? It's not like I can get it to her any other way – she's terrified of me," I told him, gritting my teeth as that new realization had only really set in last night.

It was now the last Friday of the break and I would finally get to go home tomorrow. My mom said I didn't have to go to school on Monday if I didn't feel up to it, but I hadn't really even thought about it. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Inside these white halls and in between all the IV lines and nurses who I knew mean to be sympathetic but only make me feel guilty and awkward, it was like I was living in a bit of different world these past few days.

After she left _that night_, I just stayed up thinking about what she had said and it felt like a foggy mist had finally been lifted from my vision. I replayed our phone conversation over and over in my mind and I knew what I had to do. So I did it. I asked the night nurse for some paper and a pen and I thought it would take me at least twenty different drafts, but as soon as I touched the pen to the paper the words just flowed nearly as fast as the tears on my face. I haven't been able to write anything since, though, and I'm not sure I ever want to.

My mom came in at around 5am; she had been visiting my aunt in Hamilton _that weekend _– that is until I managed to ruin even that for her – and I knew my dad must have given her the full picture because she didn't even say anything as she came in. My mom was one of the sunniest and most radiant people I knew, but my darkness managed to kill even that most powerful force. I could tell she had been running because she was breathing heavily, and her face was covered in tears and her mascara was smeared all around her eyes.

She dropped her bag on a chair and quietly came and sad beside me on my bed after I gently asked her not to cry, reassuring her I was okay. She softly ran her fingers through my hair, and softly repeated that yes, I was indeed all right as a troubled look crossed her face, and she waited by my side patiently until I finished my letter and after I set it down on the table beside my bed. She continuing running her hand through my hair and she held my hand as I snuggled into her side – this was something I used to do all the time when I was a kid when I would come home after never being able to escape the torment Mike would subject me to. Mom just held me that night as she had done all those nights all those years ago. In that moment not only did I badly need to feel someone genuinely care about me in light of what I had just realized, but it was the most comforting gesture I had received from another human being in months. Mom never asked me anything else that night – the last thing I remember was finally falling asleep as she continued pushing my bangs out of my face and softly repeating that my dad and her would help get me through this and that this nightmare would all soon be over.

I wished desperately I could believe her, but I am not sure this will ever be over for me. My mom told me she had found me a good therapist and made it pretty clear that going to see her wasn't really an option, so I didn't object. After what Clare had told me, I really did want to get better. Not to get closer to her – I was not even going to attempt such a thing, but because I knew I couldn't keep hurting the people I loved. I cringe at how I genuinely believed I could be happy again, but all I ended up doing was hurting everyone around me. Especially Clare. She was right – I had been manipulating her – but I wasn't even aware of it as I was doing it. All I could think about was much I love her, how I can't let anything bad happen to her, how I can't let anyone take advantage of the trust she gave so easily, and for the past few weeks – how I couldn't figure out what was going on with her, why she had been acting so differently towards me, and how I could fix it.

Because I wanted _so so desperately_ to fix it. I knew that it wasn't all about Julia; I genuinely love Clare and had wanted a chance to reconnect with her. I was scared that if I didn't make an effort we would never be able to get over the distance that had somehow made its way in between us. But it was like the more I tried, the more she pulled away. And I had been too blind and too consumed by own demons to see it. I only tried harder, until I showed my true colors and I know now that what I did was unforgivable and irreversible. I don't expect her forgiveness and I told her so in my letter; I just wanted to tell her I would leave her alone from now on, a promise I meant to keep. Especially after I finally realized the most painful thing of all as I replayed our phone conversation in my mind _over and over again. _I was convinced she loved me in all our time together – but after really thinking about that night, _I wasn't so sure. _I felt like I had read every interaction we had ever had wrong – since when did she hate Morty? Since when had we been growing apart? Last night, as fear crept into my mind, I realized that _Clare maybe never loved me_. And I couldn't blame her. As much as I loved her, I only damaged her. I knew better than to take her down this road, but I let myself get completely carried away by my feelings for her because I thought she felt the same way. But now, I was not so sure anymore.

Adam's voice interrupted my train of thought. I could see the hesitation on his face as he said,

"Eli, are you sure this is such a good idea? Maybe we should give her more –"but I interrupted him because I really didn't think I could hear that word ever again.

"That letter gives her all the…_space_ she could ask for. She broke up with me, Adam," I finally admitted to him, before explaining further "I only wrote her that letter as a good-bye and because I didn't feel right sending her dad's watch along without any written explanation. Trust me, I'm not trying to manipulate her into communicating with me. That letter will be the last words we will exchange, if you can even call it an exchange," I said, flinching at the last words.

Adam sighed and gave me a sympathetic smile as he said, "Eli, give her a chance to recover from this…intensity. I don't think she meant to break up with you, she was probably just reacting to seeing you in the hospital like this, you know?"

I turned over to my side slightly, as I told him, "She broke up with me before the accident, Adam," and I saw him shaking his head as she said "She just wanted some space, Eli. That's not the same thing".

He wasn't getting the complete picture here, so I explained, "Adam, she said 'We have to break up. We're not meant to be together'." I saw the look of shock on his face as he softly asked, "Did she say why? I mean, I don't have much experience here, but at least I know why Fiona and I couldn't be…and…it helps, dude. Knowing why, it really helps," he pointed out.

"It was because…" and I struggled for words. "Because…spring was coming," I said. "Just please, Adam, just give the letter and the watch to her. Please," I repeated as my voice broke and Adam gave me a sad smile and agreed.

"Thanks, man. And you know…I understand if you don't want to hang out as much now. I'm messed up, Adam. Wouldn't blame you," I honestly said, shrugging my shoulders. I had learned my lesson about dragging others down with me. I had hurt the person I cared about the most, I damaged her entire life, took away her beautiful laugh and replaced it with a scared desperation, with sheer terror, with –

"Dude, Eli, you sure _talk _a lot of crazy stuff. I'm not going anywhere," Adam determinedly said.

"Thanks, Adam. I really don't want to lose you too," I admitted.

"You couldn't lost me even if you did want to," he said with a smile as he picked up the letter and the watch that my mom had brought in this morning and headed out the door after we exchanged good byes and I promised to give him a call as soon as I settled in at home.

**This chapter was on the short side for me but I would love a review!**


	2. That's What I'm Doing These Days

**Hi lovely readers! We need to get through the sadness of after Drop the World to get to the happier times, which I do promise are coming! And we will gradually move into the future soon. **

**In this chapter we see how conflicted Clare really is and what days at school feel like for Eli. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real-world references I happen to make. **

**Adam's POV**

Just knock, Adam. _Hi, Clare, I'm here to officially seal the deal on the termination of your relationship with Eli,_ I thought with a frown.

What am I supposed to tell her? It also doesn't help that the last time we talked…I might have blown up at her a little. I bumped into her at the dance and just casually asked where her other half was only to be met with an explosion on her part. She coldly told me that Eli and her aren't attached at the hip and that they broke up. I was shocked to hear that they had broken up, and when she told me he was at the hospital, I really didn't mean to sound so surprised, but I asked her what she was doing at the dance then…I mean, even broken up, it seemed strange for Clare to do something like that. I apologized that night, because I knew something was wrong with her for a while, I saw how it drove Eli crazy trying to figure it out and fix it, but I never expected him to take things this far – it finally made me realize that all those jokes I pulled on him being crazy were not jokes after all. Not that I thought he was insane – he was sick.

He'd been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders – with Julia's death, almost getting stabbed at Vegas Night, worrying about Fitz coming back to fulfill his promise about what he really wanted to do to Clare, and then as April approached Eli headed toward a new darkness; I sighed thinking of how Clare was thinking about rebirth and new beginnings when Eli probably dreaded the beginning of spring because it meant the end of the month of April. And when all that weight finally dropped, it was like his biggest fear was confirmed when Clare broke up with him _over the _phone. To be honest, when I think about it like that, what he did doesn't surprise me as much anymore. I hate that I didn't see it coming earlier, but I now know I have to be there for him. He'd been there for me, after all. I hope he can get better, but a big part of me is scared he might revert back to the shell of a person he seemed to be right after Julia's death from what he had told me about those times. I can't let that happen, but I really could use Clare's help. The two of them had been really good friends before they decided to take things to the next level. Maybe she's had some time to cool down; I tried to tell myself, thinking positively.

I knocked and I was relieved to see that Clare herself opened the door. I was afraid I had come at a bad time as she was wearing a very pretty feminine dress, obviously waiting for dinner company.

"Sorry, Clare, it this a bad time? I won't be here long," I specified.

I was relieved to see her smile and say, "No, Adam, my mom and I are just waiting for some old friends to come over for dinner, that's all. Do you want to come in?" she asked, but I told her my own mom would be expecting me soon.

"Clare, I have something to give you. It's from…E-Eli," I said, searching her face for a clue. Her expression hardened and she crossed her arms over her chest. Damn it.

"I don't want anything from Eli, Adam. He's done manipulating me, he didn't tell you?" she stubbornly said, and I felt a little bit of anger rising in me again, but I knew I had to keep it under control if I was to finish this.

"Clare, he told me everything. I really don't think he's trying to manipulate you. He just wanted to give back your dad's watch because he knows how much it means to you," I explained, holding out the watch and the letter.

Her expression softened as she said, "Oh. What about this letter, what's this?" she asked.

"That's for you to read Clare, I wouldn't dare pry. But do read it, you know?" I suggested.

She tugged her dress down a bit and said she _might_. Now, I understood that everything Eli had done was beyond intense – but now Clare seemed to be acting really different too. What was happening to my two best friends?

"Thank you Adam. I'm afraid we're expecting people or else I would ask you to come in," she said.

"Don't worry about it. Thanks Clare," and I added, "and by the way, he'll be fine. No long term injuries. He starts therapy with a psychiatrist this weekend," thinking she might like to know. Not that she even asked. I felt like I was living in a bit of a parallel universe.

"That's good," Clare said in the same cold tone before wishing me a good night and closing the door. Oh well, at least I did my job, I thought as I walked up the path leading to the sidewalk and I saw a boy who looked about our age and a man who looked to be his dad pull up to her house and get out of the car. The boy was carrying flowers and he looked really nervous.

It can't be what it looks like, I thought to myself. Clare is scared of Eli's erratic behaviour, but she must still have feelings for him, right? She's not…looking for someone new, she can't be, not this soon at least. And people don't break up because the seasons change, right? I wasn't sure I knew anything anymore though. I'm not one for reading people until things become blatantly obvious, I thought to myself bitterly.

**Clare's POV**

Dinner with Jake and his dad was exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things. I couldn't believe Jake was back in town and that he would be transferring to Degrassi after the break! This almost seemed to be like a sign from God, I thought to myself. Maybe I can get the normalcy I needed after all, I thought to myself. I stared at my dad's watch and I was pleasantly surprised to see that I could disassociate it from the time it spent with Eli, and it only really meant to me what it always had – it was the watch I had learnt how to tell time on. The little bit of time it spent with Eli was just a little dark cloud over its lifespan, just like the time I spent with him was a little dark blemish in my lifespan, I thought. _That's right, Clare. Be strong. Remember what he did._

If there's one thing I learned after the whole KC ordeal, it's that no one is in control of my own feelings besides myself. I had made a decision and I was going to stick with it, I thought. Eli manipulated me and almost killed himself in the process. I couldn't be around that. I'm glad he's getting the help he needs, and I can tell Adam wants me to be a part of it, but I can't. That would be falling right into his trap again. When I got up to my room, I wanted to rip the letter.

But then I saw his printing on it and I thought that I would just read it one time, let all the guilt tripping he probably did in it remind me of why I had broken things up. And then…I read it. And I couldn't find one phrase where he was blaming things on me. It was on the long and slightly wordy side, but it explained in detail how much he appreciated how I had been there for him over the past year and how he didn't deserve it. He told me he would never forget the person who had treated him with the most kindness and patience out of anyone who had entered his life, and he said that he promises to never bother me again. He apologized and said that after everything, that promise might seem hollow and another potential for manipulation, but that in time I would see that there is nothing he is more determined to do than to respect it. He promised he would speak to Ms. Dawes and make sure we were not English partners anymore, saying she might not agree to have him switch out of our class completely because we only had two months of school left, but that he would sit away from me and that I wouldn't even know he's there in English class. He told me about the watch and how I needed it back, but told me to keep his headphones and everything else he had given me over the course of our relationship, saying that after all, a pair of headphones is just that – a pair of headphones that he hoped I wouldn't have to use anymore to block out my parents' shouting, but that maybe it could come in handy at times. I knew that there might be more to this, because I knew how in Eli's mind, a pair of headphones could never be just a pair of headphones – but maybe he couldn't handle having them back as they would remind him of the failure of our relationship. _I know you, Eli, _I thought, as tears flooded my eyes but I wiped them away quickly. _Don't go there, Clare. You're strong. _

He also told me that he wanted to me to understand that what he felt for me really was love, and that he really had been over Julia, but that now he understands that you just can't make someone love you and that it was wrong of him to push. _He thinks I never loved him?_ As I realized that, tears did freely flow down my face. Could I blame him though, after what I said on the phone? I was finally getting what I wanted – Eli making me a real promise to keep his distance, so I should be happy. _I am happy_, I stubbornly told myself as I hugged the letter to my chest one time before placing it in my Eli box – a cardboard box containing anything he had ever given me or any item that really reminded me of him – and shoved it all the way to the back of my closet. I took a deep breath and decided that if this chapter in my life was really over, it's time I start acting like it was.

I heard my phone ring and smiled when I saw that Jake had kept his promise to call me, and we had a very fun light-hearted conversation which ended in him promising to pick me up in time for school on Monday and me promising to give him the official insiders' tour of Degrassi on his very first day. I fell asleep trying to block out thoughts of whether or not Eli would be at school on Monday and making a list of all the things I had to tell Jake about Degrassi on Monday.

**Eli's POV**

"Mom, really, it's already into the third week that I've been back here – really, I'll be fine," I assured her as she dropped me off on a cloudy Toronto Wednesday morning. It seemed like the city was determined to never actually let summer get here.

"All right, baby boy. Call me if you need anything, okay?" she said with a sad smile on her face as I assured her I would.

My mom and I had gotten into a routine where she would drop me off every morning, but I always felt really guilty as I knew she now had to rearrange her work schedule in order to be able to do this. Just one more week, I thought to myself. One more week of being in these stupid crutches and then I wouldn't have to bother my parents again. My house wasn't far from the school and I could easily walk, but I thought I would probably take a tram for a while as walking so much probably wouldn't be a good idea.

Wednesdays were tough for me. Once upon a time they used to be my favorite days of the week, because the day started with my favorite class – English. My best class also had my favorite girl in it, and we'd often laugh and joke and even steal a kiss or two in Mrs. Dawes' room before class began. But things couldn't be more different now. I really hope I've been doing a good job of keeping my promise to Clare to never bother her again; I sit really far from her in English class now – at the very front of the room much to Mrs. Dawes' surprise – and I never eat lunch in the caf because I know that's where she eats lunch, and I have figured out all the perfect detours that still get me to class on time without making me walk by her locker. I have no idea if she ever read my letter, although I am leaning more towards believing that she didn't. Why should she, after everything I had pulled on her? I know she wanted to erase me from her mind, and I was trying to make it easier for her.

It doesn't help that we have English class together every second day, but Mrs. Dawes was absolutely dead-set in not having me transfer out of her class. She told me she was the senior English teacher in the school and that a writer like me should stay in her class not only this year, but next year as I prepared for graduation as well. I tried to explain things to her, and she said she understood with a warm smile, and told me that in regards to the whole partner issue, she wasn't going to assign any more partner projects for the rest of the year and that was that. I didn't have much of an option, and as my therapist had identified, I needed to recognize when certain things were out of my control. Mrs. Dawes choosing to keep in her class was one of those things. I never even dared to turn around and look at Clare because I knew seeing the look of sheer terror in her eyes that was bound to cross her face in my presence would kill me. Adam told me she often found her stealing glances at me, but I'm sure he was only saying this in an attempt to try and get me to feel better – I didn't honestly believe him.

Because not only did she want nothing to do with me, but she…wanted everything to do with _him._ I wasn't sure if I was happy that it only took her about a month to move on from….whatever we had had, because this had to mean I never meant much to her and she was able to quickly put it all behind her, or if I would ever be able to form a coherent thought when I was faced with them holding hands. Because as much as I tried to avoid it, it happened a few times. Dr. Sadler provided me with a list of coping techniques, and I applied them all to various levels of success, but I knew nothing she could do could ever take that pain away. What hurt the most was that _I knew. I knew he was right for her._ He was new here, but everyone at school took to him right away. He hung out with the in crowd, he was always laughing, joined a lot of the school's sport activities, got a lot of attention from girls…he just exuberated….happiness. The happiness I was never able to give her, I thought as a tear made its way down my face. I quickly wiped it away, thinking I'd look ridiculous. I knew the rumours about how crazy and dangerous I was were already flying around the school. They were all correct, too.

After making it up the stairs and heading down the hallway towards English class I began to wonder if I really could drop these crutches in one week – I was still really dependent on them, especially when it came to things like stairs. I'd better be able to, or I'll go crazy with them soon, I thought bitterly.

Just then I heard what was my favorite sound in the world – her laugh. It was coming from around the corner in abrupt little giggles that were escaping her lips madly, and pretty soon I was able to see why – _he_ was tossing around a soccer ball in the hallway, passing it to her to dribble, which she never could get just right, but apparently it was something which she found hilarious. She passed the ball to him to throw to her again, and as he did he was shouting "For the coveted World Cup trophy, he shoots, he scores and GOAAAAL" as he tossed the ball again, except this time Owen scoffed at them and intercepted the ball with his own leg, causing it to bounce off the lockers and hit my right crutch at its very bottom, causing it to fall out of my grip. As I struggled to catch it before it hit the floor, I also dropped my other one. Could I be any more pathetic, I thought to myself. Then I made a fatal mistake; I glanced up to see the look of shock on her face as she stood there absolutely frozen looking at me. _She's scared of me_, I realized, and the look of fear on her face felt like a bullet in my heart. My whole body shook with one large tremor before I felt it completely freeze up. I tried to think back to Dr. Sadler's advice, but my mind was a complete blank. I saw people standing around, unsure of what to do.

I heard a piercing voice burst in the hallway a few seconds later, "What is wrong with all of you? Here, Eli," and I looked up to see no one other than Fiona Coyne hand me my crutches back as she scoffed at everyone else. I thanked her as Holly J, who was walking with her, continued, "No playing soccer in the hallway, idiots. They didn't teach you that at your old school buddy?" Damn, Holly J. was tough, I thought to myself as she also said "I have only a little over a month in my co-presidency left and Sav and I actually want to do fun council things for the school despite this insane year, which won't be possible if Simpson is mad at us. Just take it outside, new kid. Thought you would've known better, Clare." she said, waving her hand in a dismissive gesture.

_He _decided to speak up, "I'm sorry, man. You all right? I've had a broken leg before too, it sucks, I know," and I knew he was only trying to be nice and that Clare probably never told him about me, judging that I'd be a bad reflection on her. And she wouldn't be wrong.

So I just quickly nodded and said "Don't worry about it, just an accident. Really, no big deal," and I walked off towards Mrs. Dawes' class.

As soon as I got inside the classroom, I realized I still had a good ten minutes before class started so I took out my iPOD and inserted it into my ear, trying to get myself to calm down a little. My hands were shaking and I really wished I could write in this moment. I knew Dr. Sadler didn't believe me when I told her that the reason I wasn't writing anymore was because I had writer's block. She would sadly sigh and tell me I needed to find a way to get back to it, but _she didn't know._ She didn't know how messed up I really was, and I knew I would have to bring her Stalker/Angel for her to finally realize. And I knew I eventually would; my dad still probably had the copy I gave to him at the hospital after I couldn't look at it anymore.

It was the same feeling I had when I finally got home and opened the door to my room; it was like I was seeing everything for the first time. The first night I was home I couldn't really deal with it and I even slept in my parents' bed as my mom comforted me all night. In the morning, I put my iPOD in my ears and just started with one thing at a time. It took me about four days to finish everything, because I'd stop and let tears overcome me as soon as I encountered an object associated with too many memories, and my parents had to be the ones to take down the boxes of Julia's clothes and books down to the basement, because I just couldn't. There were so many things I discovered that I hadn't seen in so long, and they all reminded me of how much good she would have done if she had been the one to be alive and I had been the one to die, which is how it should have really been. Instead, I stayed alive only to hurt everyone around me and only do bad things. My mom put all my photos of her together in an album which now rested on my bookshelf, and sometimes I would flip through them, wishing so desperately I could change the past. I no longer had a picture of her on my night table as I just didn't feel the need for it; I knew all of our relationship was documented in the album, and whenever I needed it, it was there for me.

But writing…I was scared of what I would produce. So I just didn't write. I knew Mrs. Dawes was disappointed – the marks I was getting on my homework were still my usual As, but she kept giving me information about writing contests in an attempt to get me start back up again, and I saw the sadness that crossed her face as I told her I wouldn't be entering. Another person I let down, I realized.

As I was lost in my thoughts and I sunk my head down into my arms on top of my desk, I felt someone gently pull out my ear buds out of my ears which surprised me and I lifted my head to see Clare in front of me with a concerned look on her face. I could feel my hands start to shake again, so I inserted them into my hoodie pockets because I didn't want her to notice.

Her voice was soft and gentle as her sparkling blue eyes looked into my own as she slowly said, "Eli, are you all right? I'm sorry about what happened earlier. I should've known better," and she looked deeply regretful.

"Oh Clare," I said with a sigh, "you don't have to worry about that. Holly J likes to over react, really, it was no big deal. I've dropped my crutches about a million times now," I lied, trying to reassure her that it really was nothing important. I flashed her a small smirk to let her know she had no reason to feel guilty.

She gave me a small smile in return and said, "You know, Eli. I got your letter. I just wanted to say thank you," and she lightly touched my arm.

I shook at her touch and said "Thank _you_ for reading it. I meant it, you know, I'll stay away from you. Mrs. Dawes wouldn't let me transfer out just as I suspected, but she said there wouldn't be any more partner projects this year. And if next year we're both in her class again, we can just ask to not be partners, and if she insists, I've thought about it and…I'll move schools," I told her. I was being completely serious. I wasn't about to keep forcing Clare to be around me now that I knew how she truly felt.

She shook her head and said, "Eli, that's ridiculous. You don't have to move schools," but I insisted, "It's all right, I've done it before obviously. I don't care if it would be running away from my problems again, I just, I can't…" I struggled for words as I felt my fists clench, "I can't break another promise to you, Clare. Not again," I deadpanned.

"Eli, you can't leave Degrassi," she said.

"Why not? I'm not terribly linked with the school, you know. It's not like any coaches or teams would miss me. I don't think many people would even notice," I continued.

"That's _not_ true and you know it. Please, let's just cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?" she asked.

"All right," I agreed. "Thank you for coming and talking to me, but I really mean to keep my promise to you Clare. You…should go sit down," I gently told her as she nodded and did so.

**Clare's POV**

I never really meant for things with Jake to progress as fast as they did. He just…had a way of coming easily to me which worked to convince me to say yes even when I knew I might not be totally ready, not to mention I knew I would be hurting Eli even more by moving on so fast. Plus, both my parents and his dad _really_ pushed for this relationship, so there was always that added bit of pressure as well. But I really did like Jake for who_ he _was – fun and carefree and definitely never too intense – he way at the opposite end of the spectrum. But my relationship with Jake was so…public too. Public displays of affection were the norm for him, I realized, as were Face Range comments, Twitter photos – and this sometimes left me feeling very…exposed. It's not that when I was in a relationship with KC or with Eli I tried to hide it, but there was just something about being with Jake that was…different.

It's not that what Eli and I had meant nothing to me, but it's just that Jake's stability was the relationship for me. I had no idea where Eli's health even stood any more – I knew he was seeing a psychiatrist but he just seemed so closed off from the world lately. I knew that he either spent his lunch hours in Mrs. Dawes' room – she must have taken pity on him and let him just read in there despite the rule that students were not allowed to be alone in classrooms without teacher supervision – or in the auditorium.

He never spoke up in class the way he used to, and I could tell Mrs. Dawes was disappointed. She would call on him to make up for that lack of his insights, and his answers would always be precise and well formed, but the passion that always seemed to be behind his love for literature seemed…gone. I know Mrs. Dawes noticed too, and I saw her try to coax him back into writing by nominating him to different contents, but he sadly replied he wasn't planning on entering each time. It surprised me that Mrs. Dawes never caught on to why he was doing this; I think I knew. It might be presumptuous of me to assume, but I still think I know Eli better than almost anyone and I know _he must be scared_. By reacting the way I did to his writing, which I should have read as just a symptom that something else was wrong, I hurt him deeply. His writing was the essence of his soul, really, and I convinced him he was so damaged that he was scared to look inside of himself again. I knew. But I was wrong. And now that he was getting help, I knew he should try to recapture his writing, but I don't think anyone else realized what I realized, and Eli sure didn't, of that I was sure. _He was scared and I couldn't pull him out of it. I didn't have any right to_.

So the days slowly went by in this new routine of him keeping his promise and never speaking to me. I wanted to approach him a few times, especially when I saw Mrs. Dawes hand him a series of college brochures – wasn't it a little early for that? But I never did. There was such a large distance between us now. He thought _I never loved him_, and the fact that I couldn't even tell him he was wrong broke my heart. I wanted him to know that I wasn't as indifferent to his behaviour as I knew he thought I was. But I didn't know how, so I just tried to repress all such thoughts.

Jake took me out on more and more dates and I always felt comfortable around him. He was very laid back, about everything from the time he would come pick me up to his own homework which I often ended up helping him with. He wasn't literary at all, and he didn't understand my habit of bringing a book with me pretty much everywhere I go, often teasing me about it. Sometimes he'd prefer watching sports with the guys as opposed to doing his homework or spending time with me, and he'd always say I was welcome to join them, but the one time I did that I felt…out of place, ignored even.

So from now on, I knew better and whenever he'd shrug his shoulders and tell me that it was up to me whether or not we'd hang out, the answer he was really looking for was that I'd just rather head home. If we were at his house, I'd just walk home by myself as he didn't like driving just for the sake of dropping me off. That was somewhat new from me – Eli not only used to drive me home after I was hanging out at his house, but often he'd come pick me up from my house as well and always drop me off. And I didn't get the feeling that he was only doing it because of what had happened with Julia; it was just what made sense, he always explained. But Jake didn't see it the same way; he was just more relaxed about things I though, and besides, after sending me home he'd always kiss me sweetly every time and he would leave me a nice Face Range message and that was it.

Whenever we ran into Eli, he'd just give me a small sad smile before casting his glance right down to the floor and quickly leaving, and Jake rapidly pointed out that he thought Eli was a weird kid. Eventually I just told him we dated for a short while, and to say Jake was surprised was an understatement. He proceeded to make fun of Eli's style and of how much time he spent on his own before I had to ask him to stop. It didn't feel right that Jake was criticizing Eli without even knowing him. Those things worked for Eli, I thought, just like Jake's laid back attitude worked for him, and I tried to shrug off my worry about the streak of meanness that Jake potently displayed.

**I would love to know what you think in a review! Predictions are also welcome. **


	3. Wishing It's Not the End

**Hi everyone! I love hearing your thoughts as you review so please keep those coming or otherwise I am flying blind here!**

**In this chapter we see Eli with his doctor and the end of the school year. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make. **

**Dr. Sadler's POV**

I looked at the still significantly fragile young man before me who had just shared a very emotional moment with me. I was really proud of how fast he was progressing. It may have taken me an incredibly long time to get him to open up to me, but like I had anticipated, once it happened his progression followed a really rapid pace. It was a little like unleashing a pair of floodgates, and once it took place, I realized just how much Eli has had to deal with in the last two years. Part of me couldn't help but be a little angry he's always felt like he's had to deal with things on his own; my professional focus in adolescent mental health is sometimes clouded by personal empathy I just can't help having for these kids. Sometimes life is just so unfair.

"And how were you feeling as you left the cemetery?" I asked him.

He spoke without any hesitation, "It felt good. I was relieved that I…_made things right?_ Well, I really don't think I'll ever be able to make things right with Julia, but I did really want to apologize – she didn't ruin my life," he said, casting his eyes down towards the ground as he said that last part.

"Eli, I know shooting her picture might seem like a very unstable act in retrospect – and it was, we both know that – but it does represent an attempt to put the past behind you on a very important level, which is a good thing. A really good thing, just…a little misguided," I said as his gaze met mine.

"I don't want to forget her," he deadpanned.

"Oh, Eli, if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that that's never going to happen. Grief…is an extraordinarily complex thing Eli. You will find that as more time passes, you get older, and your life changes – the way you feel about Julia will also change. But you won't ever forget her, I'm convinced of that. You should not harbour any guilt towards what you were thinking about Julia the night of your accident. You were not in your right state of mind. And now that you visited her – and it doesn't matter if you believe she could hear you or not – I hope you recognize that little bit of closure there," I gently tried to explain.

"I do, I really do," he said, and I believed him. It was actually really nice to have a patient I know I could trust to always be honest. Because Eli was, and most importantly I saw his desire to get better on his own, which told me we were on a winning path. There's not much I can do for my patients who have no desire to get better and only come to see me because family members or friends force them to.

"Okay, then, how are things at school?" I asked, trying to approach a subject I no longer wanted to wait on. Eli had had enough time over the past two months we had spent together to get stronger about this subject, and I knew that if I wanted to get him to a point of being well-adjusted, he couldn't let this part of him go.

"They're fine. I just have one more final and then I'll be out for the summer, working at Chapters," he said. I was glad he was so keen on taking a summer job – I knew it was because he was trying to save up for a car, but what I most liked about his plan was something that maybe he didn't realize himself.

It would be a new environment for him; he wouldn't have to haunt the same hallways where he almost got stabbed and where he has to see his ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend every day. Eli tried to hide it from me, but I knew he was deeply hurt she had moved on so fast. Not to mention he was plagued by guilt over what happened with his own relationship with her – that area was still incredibly difficult to talk about with him. He was rather stubborn, and his mind was made up was everything was his fault, that it was a good thing she "got away" from him when she did, and that he deserved everything that happened to him. I recognized it might be a long time before he can zoom out and analyze the situation properly, and I am not sure if much progress in that area would ever be made.

I sighed thinking about that particular challenge as I asked him, "What subject is your last final in? English?" hoping this would allow me to approach the topic I wanted to focus on for the remainder of our session.

He raised an eyebrow at me and answered, "No, history. I wrote English last night," he explained.

"And how was that particular final?" I pressed.

"English is my favorite subject, it was fine," he specified and I knew he was wondering where I was going with this.

"Eli, we need to talk about your writing," I admitted.

"What about it? I don't do much of it anymore, I told you," he said, a little impatiently.

"And that's exactly what I'm worried about. Why not?" I asked him directly.

I saw him bring one hand up to his mouth in order to bite his nails as he looked away from my gaze and said, "This is kind of weird to explain, okay?" he asked as I nodded in response. He continued "I want to talk about this to you – I was actually hoping we'd talk about it today, so I brought you this," he said as he pulled out a magazine with the heading _Gothic Tales. _He flipped it to a specific page and handed it to me. I noticed his hands were shaking.

"What's this, Eli?" I asked, and he quietly answered, "The last piece of fiction I wrote."

"You're published, Eli! This is great!" I said with a large smile, but it disappeared from my face when I saw Eli shake his head right away.

"You wrote this with Clare?" I asked as I noticed both author credits at the top of the page.

"Yeah, she edited it for me. Just…read it. And you'll know why I can't write anymore," he continued in a really soft tone. His voice was breaking.

The similarities were undeniable. I didn't have to ask him in order to know that he must have written this at the same time that Fitz had returned from his time in a juvenile detention facility, but it never made me think of Eli the way he must have expected. If it had been anyone else, maybe it would have been a much more serious clue, but if there was one thing I would be willing to stake my own life on, it's the fact that Eli would never ever hurt anyone he loves, especially Clare. His problem lies at the other end of the spectrum – he is really protective of everyone he cares about, to the point where situations that out of his control send him over the edge.

I finished the story and decided to give him my opinion.

"So, Eli, you can't write anymore because…you are really talented at it?" I asked and I saw a look of disbelief cross his face.

"I can't write anymore because I can't trust what I'll produce, Dr. Sadler. You can't read that and tell me I'm not crazy. You'd be the only one not to react that way. Even Mrs. Dawes did," he said, but I knew he wasn't giving me the full picture.

"Mrs. Dawes read this and told you you were crazy?" I pursued.

"Well, no, but she asked me if there was something I was worried about," he admitted.

"That's two completely separate things, Eli. Okay, here is what I think – of course you were drawing on events from your own life, but can you tell me one author who doesn't? What would have happened if William Faulkner had ever left the South like he wanted to, or if the parents of the girl of his dreams would have actually let them get married? Would he have ever written _A Light in August_ or ever created the character of Caddy Compson and the most memorable family in American literature?" I asked him, choosing Faulkner in particular because something in Eli's writing seemed to emulate him.

"I…I don't know," he hesitated.

"It's beautifully written and it's supposed to be a gothic story, Eli. It follows a traditional gothic plotline. Now, it's easy for me to say this now, because you've overcome the particular time and condition that you were writing it in. But it doesn't make me think for one second that even then you would hurt Clare, or anyone else. The lines of reality and fiction often blur for writers and artists, as I'm sure you know, but I knew they didn't blur that far for you. Plus…you're not the same person you were when you wrote this, Eli, you've come a long way. You can't let fear guide your life anymore. _If _you stop writing Eli…I'm afraid you'll lose more than just a pastime or a passion – you'll lose yourself," I told him, looking him directly in the eye.

He looked out the window and ran a head through his hair.

"You…don't think it's messed up?" he softly asked.

"Absolutely not. What's 'messed up' is that you have convinced yourself to let this part of you go. Eli. Look at me," I told him and he listened.

"Things are different now," I told him. "Just think about it, okay?" I asked him, and he promised me he would.

**Clare's POV**

I decided to head into our last English class of the year a little early. Finals were over and a week later, we were going to each of our classes one last time to return textbooks, sign each other's yearbooks and so on. As much as I tried not to, I couldn't help but think about how much things had changed since the first day of this class back in September. This class brought me so much happiness, it really did, I thought to myself, images of public embarrassment on sidewalk benches and the Romeo and Juliet project flashing through my mind. I wished things could have stayed down the same happy path for longer, I thought. But then what would have happened when Jake would have come to Degrassi anyway? This was a line of thought I didn't like – I couldn't imagine if I had stayed with Eli…how things would have been different.

Jake was away this morning as he had already left with his dad, heading up to his cabin. He hadn't asked me to join them as he sometimes did, and I wasn't really disappointed. They always stayed for more than one day, and even though Jake knew all about my celibacy vow, I didn't like it to be flashed in my face all the time. Alli wasn't here this morning either, as she had joined her family to watch Sav graduate – it felt so odd to me that him and Holly J wouldn't be running the school next year, or that he wouldn't even be here at all, actually. He would be off in the music program at Toronto U, and Holly J would be at Yale. It was a little strange to think of how much time seemed to be speeding up all of a sudden, I thought to myself as I approached the doorway to Mrs. Dawes' room.

To my surprise, I could see that Eli was already in class, sitting at his desk at the very front of the room. His body was turned towards the aisle, as Mrs. Dawes was sitting in the desk opposite of him, sipping her tea with a large smile on her face as she read something out a…magazine was it? She closed it and shook her head at Eli as her smile only got bigger.

"Eli, this is wonderful…I'm just so…I'm so proud of you!" she said, her voice shaking a bit, and he shyly looked up at her and gave her a smile in return.

She continued, "I knew you could do it once you decided to get back to writing. I can't tell you how happy this makes me – best news of the entire year," she exclaimed, raising her hands in the air a little.

Then she paused for a minute as silence overtook the entire room, before she added, "I really thought I had lost you there for a while, kiddo," she told him, giving him a poignant look.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Dawes," he said, looking deeply ashamed.

"Don't be sorry, Eli. Be excited! Think of the doors that are just beginning to open for you. Next year you'll be applying to colleges, and if you work hard, Eli, you can do whatever you want," she told him before walking to her desk.

"Mrs. Dawes…thank you," he said. "I really mean it. You've been one of the best things to happen to me this past year, you know," he said before pausing and adding "You never gave up on me," and I could see the gratefulness etched on his face.

"Of course, Eli," she said, as she rearranged some of the papers on the desk. I heard the warning bell ring and felt a few students brush past me as they made their way in the room.

But I wasn't sure I could be here for this last English class. After what I had just heard, it seemed more than anything to be like a…_final goodbye._ What Eli said felt like a bullet in my heart. _You never gave up on me_. He didn't know I was listening, but tears were stinging my eyes the whole time. I didn't _want_ to give up on you, Eli. So why did I? I shook my head in disbelief at what English class had come to represent for me now, but I felt someone wrap me up in a hug slowly.

"Do you want to go somewhere for a bit?" I heard them ask, and I looked up to see another person who I probably gravely disappointed.

"Adam," I sighed.

"He's all right, Clare," he said.

"I know, Adam. I'm sorry," I told him, but he just shrugged it off. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. It's good he's standing on his own two feet right now," Adam said and I nodded because I knew he was right.

Adam gave me a playful nudge "Come on, let's go return these books and then if you don't sign my yearbook you _will _have something to be sorry for," he said with a smile.

I made sure to wipe my eyes and take a deep breath before heading in the room and taking my seat. I kept sneaking glances at Eli throughout class, as all we really did was return book and sign yearbooks, and he looked so…._different. _He had a small smile on his face and the horrible tension that I could always pick up in his body since the accident was…_gone. _He reminded me of the Eli I first met when he first came to Degrassi and we got to know each other. He looked relaxed and genuinely happy as he was laughing about something with Adam and writing in his yearbook while Adam was writing in Eli's. Then Mrs. Dawes signed his yearbook as well and I thought…wouldn't it be a completely inaccurate representation of my past year if Eli didn't at least sign just his name in my yearbook? Could I really just erase him completely out of my year like that? _I'm gonna ask him, I thought. _Just as I decided to approach him I could hear my phone vibrate in my bag so I just checked the new text to see that it was Jake saying he missed me and that he hoped the last day of classes wasn't too bad without him. I didn't feel the need to reply right away, so I just put my phone away only to look up and see Eli already walking out the door.

**I would love a review so I can know what you're thinking! In the next chapter we will see them in the summer. **


	4. Fears and Insecurities

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for your sweet reviews, there is nothing I love more than to read what you are thinking, so please let me know!**

**Summer turned out to take three chapters…but I will put them all up at once because in my last note I told you you would see what happens to them in the summer. **

**In this chapter we see a little on Eli's family, how he spends his days, and a typical date between Clare and Jake. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Cece's POV**

I turned off the coffee maker and poured myself a cup as I sat down on a kitchen stool and let the incoming sun rays hit my face. There was no denying it, summer was here now in Toronto and it was here to stay – the characteristic humidity in the air was the ultimate testament. It was eight am and today I wouldn't have to go into work until ten o'clock, and my husband also didn't have to do the morning radio show for once; he wouldn't be going in until the afternoon – I can't even remember the last time this has happened. This first moment of peace in so long enriched by the warm rays of the sun really made me think about the past year, and a recapitulation of everything brought tears to my eyes. I allowed myself one moment of resignation as I put my head down on my arms and I soon felt a series of uncontrollable sobs shake my entire body.

Just as I probably should have anticipated, it wasn't more than five minutes before I felt my husband's arms pull me away from the stool I was sitting on and into his arms as he was leaning against the counter. He locked his arms behind my back and held me as tightly as possible. I hid my face in his neck and he let go of his grip on me to pat my hair down reassuringly.

"You're scaring me, love," he whispered. "I saw him last night just before he went to bed and he isn't even up yet…what could've happened? And the last time Dr. Sadler called she had nothing but great news, unless she called again?" he softly asked.

"No, no, she didn't. I was just…thinking," I told him.

"About what?" he asked.

"About how I failed him," I answered honestly. "About how he's so special and smart and caring…and I don't _deserve_ to be his mother. A _real_ mother realizes something's wrong and does something about it. A child who has someone looking out for him - a _real_ mom – is always supported and helped. Not…abandoned," I whispered.

I felt Bullfrog draw in a sharp breath and shake his head, but I continued, "Do you remember how back in the last few days of April, after Eli had returned home, and when the royal wedding took place I liked to watch all of those shows that talked about Diana and the princes?" I asked him, knowing that after all the teasing I got about those shows, there was no way he could have forgotten.

"Of course, you and every other woman on the planet, it seemed," my husband said as his hands rubbed circles on my back.

"Well, I don't think I ever told you why exactly. Every girl likes a good love story, especially when it involves a real princess, but there was more to it than that for me. The shows focused a lot on Diana as a mother, and what a great one she was – and then when she died, her sons were only 15 and 11. While her oldest, William - who was the one to get married - was pretty stable in the years to come, Harry had a period there where he lost his way," I explained.

"So while the press just labeled him a party bad boy, the shows were saying how without Diana and all alone at boarding school, he had no one to guide him and he just fell in with the wrong crowd. But _I didn't die_, Bullfrog," I said as more tears fell down my face and I felt my husband's body shake as I mentioned that possibility, "and I was just as much of an absent and invisible parent, don't you see? Eli was lost and trying to cope with everything on his own and his _own mother_ couldn't see and didn't step in to help him," I was saying before my words all just jumbled into an incoherent mess.

My husband just held me and smoothed my hair down until my sobbing finally subsided and he softly said, "We _both _failed him. A father is supposed a special bond with his son, you know. And I don't _ever_ want to hear you say that you a bad mother again, though, Cecilia Goldsworthy. Or that you don't deserve him. I don't care what other people say or think, he is _our _son and he is perfect just the way he is. The day you decided you would have my child was the happiest day of my life. Nothing could be more beautiful and special than _your_ child, baby. So he's sick. But he's already getting better. Don't you see it?" he asked.

"I do. I really do. But I'm still…scared," I admitted.

"Me too. But we've learned more things now too – doing the family sessions together is something that's been really eye-opening for me. We'll be here for him this time around. We'll pull him through, whatever it takes," Bullfrog continued, and he placed his hand under my chin and he lifted my face to meet his gaze, as he said "That I promise you," and I let out a deep breath I wasn't even aware I was holding. The man standing in front of me has never broken a promise he has made to me, so I immediately felt just a bit better.

I instantly heard my precious baby boy running down the stairs so I stepped away from my husband's embrace and wiped away my tears. Eli didn't need to feel any more guilt over what had happened; guilt was something that, really ate him up inside, just like it did his father. He was dressed in black slacks and a black shirt short sleeved shirt and a red vest with the _Chapters _logo and his name badge on it. It was a bit peculiar to see such a splash of color on him, but the work uniform at least did contain a lot of black, much to his approval I assumed.

He burst into the kitchen with a smile on his face and said "All right - no derogatory comments allowed, thank you very much. No choice about the uniform," and his smile spread into the familiar smirk I loved so much as he continued, "funny, just last week I was sitting in my last class thinking how great it would be to not have to wear a uniform anymore, but it seems the color red just doesn't wanna let me go," and I couldn't help but be overcome by his obvious excitement to start his new job, so I just walked up to him and wrapped him into a tight hug.

"What was that for?" he said with a slightly confused look on his face as he pulled away.

"What? A mother isn't allowed to give her son a good luck hug for his very first day of work?" I asked with a giggle.

"Thanks mom. I'm freaking out a little though, I can't find my training handbook anywhere," he said with a frantic, but still slightly amused look on his face.

"Coffee table," I pointed out, and his dad brought him a cup of coffee in a travel mug and Eli thanked him.

"How about I give you a ride to the store, Eli? I can feel like a normal human being starting my day at 8am and not at 3am?" Bullfrog asked.

"That would be awesome, dad, but we really should get going. Don't wanna be late on my very first day," he said with a smile. I walked over to give him one last hug and I placed a kiss on his forehead and whispered an almost inaudible "I love you," before my two favorite boys headed out the door, leaving me alone again, with just the sunlight gently seeping into my kitchen.

**Eli's POV**

Well, that wasn't so bad, I thought to myself as I plopped down on my bed after finishing my first full shift. Everything was pretty simple to understand, and seeing how I'd be there all summer it's probably only going to get easier. The cool thing about working at the central Chapters in downtown Toronto is that it's the one that authors on book tours choose to do readings at so I'd always be around to see that, and of course, the 30% employee discount doesn't hurt either. A lot of new books are coming out this summer that I'd like to give a read through.

Everyone at work seems nice enough too, most of them are college students who were out two months before I was and they already know the ropes, but they are nice enough to be patient with me and some of them even told me about their study programs; there's a lot of English majors obviously, and reading about the programs in the college brochures Mrs. Dawes gave me was great and all…but it doesn't come close to having an actual student tell you what it's like.

So overall, the way I felt about this job was exactly what I anticipated – it was probably the most interesting job I could obtain seeing how I haven't actually been employed before, and the best thing about it is that…it somewhat helps keep my mind off of…her. Because now that I can't even see her at school anymore…I feel…numb. Seeing her with _him _really was the cruellest punishment, but I still had some instances that in a moment of weakness, allowed me to imagine that I could still walk over to her and she wouldn't be scared of me, but that she'd rather meet me with her warm smile and a kiss.

There was the way she would wrap those pretty flowered scarves around her neck whenever she got cold in class, the way she would bite her lip when Mrs. Dawes asked her a difficult question and I dared to sneak a glance at her, or the way she'd always get up from the floor in front of her locker swiftly and always smoothing down her uniform skirt gently with her open palms with a determined look on her face as she must have been thinking of what was next on her to-do list. Just a few seconds in time that I caught a glimpse of her every now and then – that's what we had had been reduced to, all thanks to me. I always felt guilty for even stealing a look at her, but those few seconds allowed me just a bit of escape from the reality that I had led us to…a reality that felt more like a nightmare.

I grabbed my laptop so I could do something that might make me feel just a bit closer to what I had completely lost now that school was out, and saw that her tweets were so upbeat, happy, and centred around the idea that summer was coming – when I saw those comments about a new season I grimaced and jolted a bit; what was I doing? I blinked a few times and navigated away from her page and sent Adam a tweet in response to the one he had sent me this morning poking fun at me for having to work. Adam wasn't too thrilled that I took a job as it obviously meant fewer opportunities for us to hang out, but I meant to make sure he didn't feel left out; we scheduled regular guys' nights just as before. His mom made him help out around the house a lot during the day anyway, and I knew the fact that I was working wouldn't break our friendship. Plus I reminded him how nice it would be to eventually have a ride again. He agreed and even said he'd come visit me at work sometimes too, despite the fact that we didn't sell many comic books like he humorously complained.

I knew I had to make it through this summer so I could show my parents I was getting better; I knew how sad my mom has been ever since my accident; I know she tries to hide it from me but I can still tell. I really don't want her to feel any guilt, because the only one that should feel responsible here is me – my parents are so fun and life-loving, they don't deserve a messed up kid like me. They might have raised a weird kid, but I had exceeded the level of weird a long time ago. So I really wanted to show her I was getting better, but it seemed like there were so many other hours in the summer besides the ones I had to spend working and I didn't know how to fill them so my mind wouldn't wander back to…her. I didn't anticipate this, and I knew I couldn't revert to such a lame pattern as hanging on by her tweets. Partly because her page was also filled with _his _pictures and comments – he was everywhere, and a few of those pictures even showed them kissing, and that was something that I really didn't want to see. It still didn't feel quite real, but at the same time nothing could possibly hurt more.

I put away my computer and decided to read before dinner – I had picked up some books my very first day and I thought that at least I really am lucky to work in a bookstore. I was surprised at how busy it was; there was always someone needing help to something, but that was a good thing…every question meant a few fewer minutes where she would creep into my mind. What was she doing with her summer? I didn't have any right to know, but it sure looked like she was spending all of her free time with _him. _

**Clare's POV**

I sat there staring at my laptop's display of a series of tweets. Where was he working? He had taken a job? Would he be working all summer? I don't regret taking space away from Eli – I know it was the right thing to do; sometimes people think the strongest thing to do is hang on when it really is letting go that matters. What he did really did hurt me. I just wish I hadn't gone about our break-up in the way that I did.

I was just overcome with stress and surprise and I just wanted to get things done at that point; his erratic behaviour frightened me, but what I should have taken into account was that we had been friends before we entered a relationship together. I should have just told him I wanted to go back to that. I don't know if he would have agreed or just pushed more, but I should have tried. The distance over the past few months made me realize that; I never thought we'd go from being so close, friends or boyfriend/girlfriend, to barely exchanging any words by the end of the school year. But then Eli would probably have been just as hurt if I had started dating Jake anyway, I thought.

Because I did know he was deeply hurt; I could see it in his eyes whenever I unfortunately ran into him when I was with Jake around school. He'd always quickly remove himself from whatever space we happened to be in, but _I knew_. I wish I could explain things to him, tell him that Jake wasn't just some random new guy that I just met and decided to date. He was my friend from so long ago; our families were friends; we had so many similarities and I never had to fight for our relationship as much as I had to when I was with Eli; things just….came so much easier with Jake. We could just…be, no baggage or complex difficulties that got in the way.

I heard my mom come into my room and she passed me a glass of lemonade as she sat on my bed.

"Clare, sweetie, how are things with Jake?" she asked with a smile.

"They're great, mom. He's a really nice guy," I told her because it's what I honestly believed.

"I'm glad, honey. You deserve a nice time, you know," she said, probably directing that last comment at Eli. I gave my mom a brief account of what had happened with us, and she wasn't impressed with Eli and told me I had done the right thing.

"Mom, I had some nice times with Eli too, you know. It wasn't all bad," I pointed out.

"I never said that, Clare. The day he came by with his dad – I could tell just how much he cared for you. But he was…too much Clare. You're only fifteen," she said.

"I know. I do. That's why I broke it off," I said, trying to reassure myself as well as my mom. "He's going to therapy, you know. And he works somewhere now too," I slowly added.

"Well, that sounds great, honey. Just like I told you, he's not a part of our life anymore but we wish him the best of luck with his, right?" she reinforced.

"Right," I said, nodding, and folded my arms over my chest. "Mom, Jake and I are meeting some friends of his at the Dot soon. I was thinking of wearing of my new flowered dress, do you think I should?" I asked, trying to move on from the past topic of conversation.

"I think that's a great idea, honey. Have a lovely time and say hi to Jake for me. What time is he picking you up?" she asked.

"I'm meeting him there at 4," I told her.

"He's not driving you? Our house is in between theirs and the Dot," she pointed out and I frowned.

"He's kind of weird about rides like that," I hesitated.

"What do you mean?" she pursued.

"He just likes to do his own thing sometimes," I explained.

"Clare, does he ever leave you to walk home alone?" she insisted.

"Um, well, sometimes it just doesn't make sense for him to drive all the way back here just to drop me off," I defended him. "There's no point," I continued, but I saw my mom wasn't impressed.

"Well, I want you to know you can call me or your father if you ever need to be picked up. I don't think Jake's had many girlfriends and his mom isn't around to tell him these things you know, so he probably just doesn't know - maybe you could just tell him it'd be nice if he does make sure you get home safe after he takes you out," she suggested.

"He's had girlfriends before, mom," I pointed out, but left out the 'quite a few actually' that echoed in my mind.

"Well, just remember what I said about calling me or your dad. I mean it, Clare," she said and I assured her I would.

She left my room and I changed and put my make-up on for my date. We were meeting Drew, as him and Jake were friends, and Bianca who was now dating Drew. Alli didn't mind, I checked ahead of time, and I was glad she had really put that chapter behind her. I wanted to look especially nice today because Bianca always put a lot of effort into her looks, and I didn't want Jake to feel like his girlfriend didn't measure up to his friend's. Not that I thought he thought that way, but still, I just wanted to take a few extra minutes. After I finished and took one last look in the mirror at my blue flowered dress whose straps met in bows at my shoulders, I put on my Roman style sandals and started walking to the Dot.

Once I got there I saw Jake and Drew were already there. Jake smiled and waved me over and he planted a kiss on my lips after I sat down.

"Hi, Clare," Drew said with a smile and I was glad things didn't look like they'd be awkward between the two of us as I returned the smile.

Bianca soon entered and Drew stood up to greet her and he told her she looked beautiful, which was very true; she was wearing a dress herself, but hers was a lot tighter, and made of a sleek and breathable black fabric for dancers. She was really fit and her hair was beautifully curled and she had these little diamond jewels in the corners of her eyes. I shifted a little uncomfortably and tugged my dress down a bit– Jake didn't comment on it at all, so I hoped it was okay.

It must just be another one of those things that he didn't know to do, I thought to myself; Eli was a writer so details and descriptions were important to him, I reflected. He knew to always tell me I look beautiful or lovely because he knew it was the expected norm, I told myself, but thinking back to the sparkle he would get in his eyes every time he would see me when he would pick me up for a date, I knew he really meant it. I shook the memories of the faintest blush Eli would get on his face when I pointed out with a laugh that he was staring at me for too long, and came back down to the conversation Jake and Drew and Bianca were having.

"So, Blue Jays game at the end of the month, are you guys in?" Jake asked. I knew that his dad started his love of baseball, and I haven't been to a game in a long time so I smiled and said, "Sure".

"What day is it exactly?" Bianca asked.

"Last Sunday of the month," Jake specified.

"Uh oh," she said, scrunching up her face a bit, "Dance competition. Sorry," she said.

"No worries," Jake shrugged. "Hope you won't feel like much of a fifth wheel, Drew," he teased as Bianca raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry dude, if my girl's got a competition, I'll be driving her there and watching," he said, putting his arms around Bianca and winking at her. Bianca seemed pleased with his response and I saw her move her hand and rest it on Drew's thigh.

Jake looked surprised at Drew's response and scoffed a bit as he said, "All right, cool. Maybe you guys will make the next game," he added, and he mirrored Drew and wrapped his arm around my waist, massaging my hip a bit through my dress. I moved a little away abruptly and involuntarily because I didn't really like the sensation – I wasn't completely used to his touch despite the fact that we now had been dating for a while. I felt him move his hand higher, in a reaction to my movement I assume, and he raised an eyebrow at me before leaning in for a kiss. I relaxed a bit into the kiss as his hand resumed resting on my hip. I decided it would just take little steps like these to get me used to his touch, and I smiled at him a little uncomfortably after I pulled away from the kiss.

The rest of our time at the Dot went by pleasantly and comfortably just like all my dates with Jake did, but when we left the conversation I had with my mom before leaving the house played on my mind, so I decided to take a leap of faith and I ask Jake something.

"Do you think you could drive me home?" and I immediately felt uncomfortable at my boldness so I stuttered as I added, "I mean, only if you're going to your house, I wouldn't want you to have to go out of your way".

"Sure, Clare," he said, and I was happy to see this reaction on his part.

We drove in silence until I saw a poster on the street catch my attention. It was advertising an author reading at the Chapters downtown that I had mentioned to Jake before – but the dates hadn't been finalized at the time and now I couldn't believe it had been set for the same date as the Blue Jays game that he was really looking forward to. Maybe this one time we could do something I liked more than he did, I thought, and seeing how the ride plan went so well, I decided to take a gamble and point it out.

He shifted in his seat and said, "I thought we were going to the Blue Jays game," turning around to face me as the light turned red. I could feel my face redden and I just said, "Right. Of course, no, we are. We're going to the game," I told him and he smiled at me warmly and he reached for my hand and held it gently for the rest of the ride. I didn't want to go to an author reading anyway, I thought, trying to console myself. Not yet, anyway. To make myself a bit better, I decided to think of something fun I was looking forward to - I had a countdown going for the new _Fortnight _book release; I didn't share this with Jake because I had already gotten teased enough about my vampire obsession from basically everyone I knew. The book was coming out tomorrow and you'd bet Alli and I would be at the Chapters downtown bright and early in the morning.

I heard my mom working in her room and I went in to say hi.

"How was it, Clare?" she warmly asked.

"It was fun," I told her and then I had something to ask her that I had been on my mind for the past few hours, and I decided to jump right in. "Do you like this dress, mom?"

"Of course, honey. The ribbons make it so summery and it's such a nice shade of blue. I remember how excited you were when we found it, and it's one of a kind. Why, you don't really like it anymore?" she asked me with a curious look on her face.

"No, no, I do like it. But does it…does it look good on me? Like, does it fit me well?" I pushed, turning around so she could see it from all angles.

"It's perfect on you, love. Why, do you want me to hem it or something?" she offered.

"Um, no it's okay. Never mind," I said, faking a smile.

"All right, sweetie. Oh, I can't believe I almost forgot - a package came for you," she said.

"Darcy!" I exclaimed. Sometimes she would send me really interesting and unique jewellery from Kenya, and I was always excited to read her letters.

"Actually, it doesn't look like one of Darcy's packages, sweetie. It's from a store," she said, reaching over to her table and handing it over to me.

I looked at it questioningly before opening it and almost jumping out of my own skin. This wasn't supposed to be released until tomorrow! And I had it in my hands right now…I wouldn't have to wait one second longer to see what happens! How could this be though?

My mom must have read my mind as she asked "I thought we wouldn't be rushing to the store until _tomorrow_ morning to get that," she said, with a look of confusion on her face that I knew must have been identical to the one I must have been displaying.

"Me too. It doesn't come out until tomorrow," I said. "And I didn't order a copy online, mom. I was just going to get it in store," I explained.

"Maybe your father got it for you? Or Jake?" she suggested.

I didn't like mysteries, so we called Dad but he said it wasn't him, and I didn't really want to call Jake in front of my mom so I went to my room instead and dialled his phone number.

He answered after a few rings.

"Hey, babe. What's up?" he said.

"Hi Jake. Did you get me the new _Fortnight _book?" I decided to just ask him directly.

"Umm, no I didn't. Was I supposed to?" he said with a bit of worry in his voice before continuing, "I didn't know you read that stuff, but then again, you read a lot so I can't possibly remember everything," he said with a chuckle.

I let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding. I didn't really think this was a gesture that screamed Jake, but he was the only possibility really. Alli had texted me earlier today about how excited she was for tomorrow, so I know it couldn't have been her. And who could get it a day earlier than when the stores started to sell it? This didn't make any sense.

I decided to call Alli for some brainstorming and strategizing, but when I told her I was met with such an ear-piercing scream that I had to move my phone away from my ear for a good seven seconds.

"I can't believe it Clare! But the only thing I can think of is the author read your fanfiction and liked it so much she decided to give you a copy ahead of time?" she suggested, and I giggled in response.

"Yeah, that _must_ be it," I said sarcastically. "Well, you know what; I didn't have the best day today so I think I'm just going to accept this wonderful thing that just happened to me without questioning it anymore," I told her.

"Why didn't you have the best day? Playing kissy-kissy with Jake in your new dress was no fun?" she teased, "but then again, you had to see Bianca, so I can't blame you," she added.

"Don't worry about it," I dismissed, not knowing exactly how to explain to Alli what I was feeling. "We're still going to Chapters tomorrow at nine, right? I mean, not _all of us_ can find out if they reunite tonight," I teased back.

"Oh my God, you'd better not tell me any spoilers tomorrow, Clare," Alli warned, and before we said our goodbyes she agreed to come over for breakfast before my mom would drive us over to Chapters in the morning. I decided to make myself some hot chocolate so I could bring it up to bed as I snuggled with _my new, advanced-copy Fortnight book – _and laughed a little at myself as I realized even saying it in my head brought on a surge of giggles I couldn't stop.

**I would love a review to know what your thoughts are!**


	5. A New Light

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for your sweet reviews, there is nothing I love more than to read what you are thinking, so please let me know!**

**Summer turned out to take three chapters…this is the second one. **

**In this chapter we see how Eli's therapy is progressing but still has one major hurdle to overcome, and a special task he's given at work.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Eli's POV**

I was just about to wrap up my session with Dr. Sadler when she paused and said something surprising.

"You know, Eli, I think it's time for us to drop our number of sessions to just two per week now," and I almost couldn't believe it. Originally, she told me this might happen around the six month mark, but I'd only been seeing her for three months now. The truth was that Dr. Sadler and I got along well; I liked that she was never too forceful but at the same time she told me the things I needed to hear without any hesitation when she needed to say them. I was not keen on the whole seeing a psychiatrist thing in the beginning, but I think if I had any other doctor besides Dr. Sadler things wouldn't be as good.

"Really? Already?" I asked, not being able to contain my smile. I hope she wasn't too offended, but she was a very intuitive and smart lady so I'm pretty sure she wouldn't take it the wrong way.

"Now don't look _so _ecstatic to get rid of me," she said with a smile and I knew she understood, "But yes, I think two sessions per week, and every second week one of them would be a group one with your parents, should be good. On one condition, though," she added, with a stern look on her face.

"What's the catch?" I asked her with a smirk.

"We're going to talk about Clare next week," she said and I felt my face fall instantly. I didn't want to talk about Clare. It would be too much, especially now that I can't even see her at all.

Dr. Sadler saw me hesitate and she added, "I know we've talked about her often, but what we haven't dealt with is your feelings about yourself in function to Clare _after _the accident. I would like to know what's going on there, Eli," she said.

"Nothing is going on there; she broke up with me and I learned my lesson and I've left her alone," I said, shrugging my shoulders and looking out the window because I didn't want to meet Dr. Sadler's gaze.

"And that is very respectful of you Eli – and I'm not here to tell you to talk to her, but I am here to help you deal with your own feelings, and you can't tell me all the feelings you had for Clare are gone," she said, poignantly looking at me.

"Dr. Sadler," I slowly said, "you once told me that time and distance have a way of changing things, right?" and I saw her nod in response as I continued, "so I'm giving it time and distance and I hope things change. Not to the level where we'll talk again because I know I don't deserve that; I mean that maybe there will be one day when I can go to bed and have something else be the last thing on my mind before falling asleep".

I could tell she was only somewhat pleased, but she said, "Okay, Eli, that's good for now. There's something else I wanted to talk to you about," she added.

What more now? Whatever is was, it couldn't be a touchier subject than the one we just addressed – and I knew this was only the start of our discussions on Clare.

"One of the charities our clinic supports, both financially and through volunteer projects is Big Brothers," she said. "Have you heard about them?" she asked me.

"Yeah, that's where they pair up kids with older role models for like an hour each week, right?" I responded. If Dr. Sadler was going to give me one of these mentor figures just to make sure I hang out with someone, I swear I'm gonna run out of this office and quite possibly never come back again.

She smiled, happy that I knew a bit about it obviously, before she said, "Exactly. It's a great way for kids who have usually recently lost a loved one or gone through other traumatic events in their family to just get out there and do different fun things. I would like you to be a part of it," she said, much to my chagrin.

"Dr. Sadler, I may not have the largest amount of friends, but I do get out there and do different things," I started, before she laughed and shook her head.

"Oh, Eli, I'm not trying to get _you _a Big Brother, silly. I want you to be one to these two little brothers," she said as a look of shock crossed my face. She wanted _me_ to be a role model? Had she been spacing out during the past three months?

I chose my next words very carefully. "Dr. Sadler, I haven't really spent any time with kids; I'm an only child, and I've never really felt the need to before really, they're kind of loud and sticky," I said, with hesitation. "And I'm not sure I'd know…what to do with them," I admitted – that was the main thing I was worried about.

"Eli, they're not two or three, they're past the loud and sticky phase. I know you might not immediately consider yourself prime role model material, but I've been partnering people together for many years now and I can just tell what a great experience it would be for these boys to just get to spend some time with you. Dylan especially, who is eleven, would benefit the most; his little brother is only six, but I don't want to separate them. They just lost their mom six months ago, you see, and their dad is a little overwhelmed trying to cope with everything on his own is what I'm told," and I instantly felt bad for the boys that they had lost their mom. I couldn't imagine what I would do if anything happened to my mom.

Dr. Sadler explained further, "And as for what you would do with them, that's the great thing about the Big Brothers program – they schedule everything for you; there's always a list of activities that you are free to choose from, and they are often very fun - like children's festivals, special kids' shows, sports events, museums, and so on. They drop you off and pick you up from wherever the activity is taking place. Dylan and Scott really like baseball, so I thought a good first activity for you after you get to meet them and play with them in the rec room at the centre here for a few weeks, would be for you to take them to that big Blue Jays game at the end of the month," she said.

"Once your school starts again, I thought maybe one activity each month would be more than amazing – and even if you can't do one hour every week in the summer, whatever you can would be great. I know you work full time as well. I just wanted a chance for these boys to meet you and have a chance to do something fun, like the baseball game – it's been a long time since they've been allowed to be just kids for a bit," she continued.

Knowing that they wouldn't get to go to that game unless I took them (and seeing how apparently if they liked baseball so much, I knew enough about the Blue Jays to realize that this would be to them what the equivalent of missing a concert would be to me). Also, what Dr. Sadler had said about them not being able to have many moments of just being kids haunted me throughout her little speech. Something was definitely ringing a bell here. Losing someone changes you, and even though I was a lot older when Julia died than these boys were when they lost their mom, I definitely feel like that's the moment in which my childhood ended. What the hell, I thought, it's not that much time on my part. What kind of jerk would say no to this, after all.

"All right, I'll do it," I agreed and I instantly saw Dr. Sadler's face light up.

"That's fantastic, Eli. I was hoping you'd say that," she added, and then she told me a little bit more about Dylan and Scott and made arrangements for us to hang out at the rec centre that was in a building next to the clinic on Sunday mornings.

I at least liked the fact that I would get about three sessions of just playing with them before actually taking them out on my own. I hoped I didn't get myself in something I can't handle, but Dr. Sadler told me she'd make sure I could pull out of it if I didn't like it. But here's the thing that made a little nervous – this kind of already isn't about me anymore; walking out when I feel like it isn't an option. It's up to whether or not they like me and want to be around me, I thought to myself as I made my way home. I hoped I wouldn't screw this up.

**Clare's POV**

"Thanks for the ride mom," I said as Alli and I got out of the car, "and we'll just walk home after, we might grab a coffee at the Dot or something," I reminded her before she drove away.

There was already a huge line-up of people outside the store – and there wasn't a single guy or person over thirty in it, I noticed with a giggle, not that that would be surprising at all.

"I'm sorry you have to wait in this line with me despite the little miracle you received yesterday Clare," Alli told me with a sincerely apologetic look on her face. "Does this totally take the special factor away from your surprise?" she nervously asked and I felt so bad.

"What are you talking about? Waiting in this line behind this many screaming girls is all part of the experience," I told her with a grin as I interlocked our arms and led us to the back of the line.

**Eli's POV**

I was still drinking the last few drops of my coffee when our main supervisor Len walked up to the front of the staff room to give us special instructions for what would be a day with serious potential to be nuts. I really wasn't looking forward to all the…screaming. Really, was it necessary? But I knew how happy these books made people, so I couldn't help but understand a little. Len greeted us all and started his little speech.

"Okay team, it's almost time to head out to one of the busiest days of the summer. The books are all over the three main display tables and we have plenty more in the back, so I actually don't anticipate too much trouble. Just please be alert on the floor; reassure clients that no one will go without. Those who have reserved copies can pick them up at the cash register – they've been told so by e-mail, but many of them might not have checked their inboxes lately, so please be prepared for that question. As long as we keep our calm, the customers should do the same. Good news is that this will all be over in a couple of hours at most. We also have young readers' corner going this morning, but it is on the top floor away from all the madness, so the mothers with young children will all probably be heading there, as well as any kids around elementary school age. I actually have something to finish in regards to young readers' corner, but it doesn't concern everybody, so could I just see Eli – where are you –"he said as he scanned the group with his eyes until he found me, "there you are. Could I just see you for a minute after this?" he asked and I nodded in response, racking my brain for what he could want to talk to me about.

Things had been going well for me here, and I really hoped that wasn't about to change. I didn't have to wait too long to find out, as he dismissed everyone after a few more warnings to just stay calm and generally alert and helpful.

"You wanted to see me, Len?" I asked as I approached him.

"Eli, yes, thank you," he said with a smile and I relaxed a bit. "Audrey is away today – I'm sure you know she has a baby coming soon and she needed to go to a doctor's appointment," he explained, and I nodded as you'd have to be pretty much blind to not know that, as well as deaf – Audrey was a certified preschool teacher and she always talked about how excited she was to finally be having a baby of her own. She was the lady who ran the young readers' program; she had a different children's story selected for each week, stickers for regular readers, treats for the kids who came – she was really into the whole thing.

"Anyway, I was hoping you could take over young readers' corner just for today. I'm sorry I completely forgot to ask you yesterday when Audrey asked for the day off, I was so caught up in preparing for this _Fortnight _release. Audrey left it all set up though; the book is chosen and then each child can have a sticker and a treat at the end. I know you're our youngest employee, but I think that might be a good thing in this case, and that letter of recommendation from your English teacher that I read when first reviewing your application just came to mind when I thought about who could do this today. You should wait until 9:10 to start because some kids are a little late sometimes. Sounds good?" he asked.

I really didn't expect _this_, and I couldn't really picture myself doing young readers' corner – I mean, the lady who usually does it is a preschool teacher and a few weeks away from being a mom – but…Len was not only my boss, I kind of also owed him big time for a special favour he did for me yesterday as I got an idea unpacking some boxes, so I wasn't about to say no to him.

"Sure. I can't promise it'll be as good as when Audrey does it, but it'll…happen?" I said, a slight inflection in my voice at the end reflecting my uncertainty.

"I'm sure it'll be great Eli. Come find me if something happens, of course. Oh, and I totally forgot to ask – did she go crazy when she saw it?" he said with a huge smile.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, wild guess here, but you don't really look like your typical _Fortnight_ reader. You're too…how can I put this…oh, I got it – male," he said with a laugh. "I hope that the fact that I let you sneak one of those books early at least made a girl somewhere very happy," he added, the smile never leaving his face.

"It did. I'm sure I did. And…thank you again." I confidently answered, because I was quite certain of her positive reaction despite the fact that I'd never be able to have the pleasure of actually seeing the look of surprise and happiness cross her face. But I don't deserve it, so I'm just happy to know that it must have really happened and that it wasn't just a vision of mine.

"Well, good luck with that one," Len said, slapping my shoulder as I thought I sure needed all the luck in the world…not that anything could happen there anymore. At least this whole young readers' thing meant that on the second floor of the store, all the way at the back in the children's section, I'd be safely away from the _Fortnight _madness; by the time young readers' circle would be over, all the girls will have left the store to rush home and find out if that couple reunites or not.

As I headed up the stairs and began to set up the chairs, and I found the stickers and treats I'd need, I also thought that it also might not be so bad to get some practice interacting with kids; I was going to meet Dylan and Scott this Sunday for the first time.

**Clare's POV**

As soon as the doors to the store opened, madness ensued. I was happy to see two security guards in the store, and many staff members around as well. Things calmed down a lot once people saw them and once they saw the immense piles of the books on all three main display tables. Alli and I ended up about halfway in the line-up by the time the store opened and she had no problems grabbing a book. It was a little eerie to see so many people rushing to grab a cover that was very familiar to me by now. I had kept my word to Alli and never told her what happens in the book, but I went to bed with a smile on my face and with the happy image of a reunited couple with a child on the way. I'm sure that Alli is going to love the ending just as much as I do.

We were just about to get in the cash register line when Alli turned around and said "Clare, please don't hate me for making you wait in here even longer, but I _really _need to go to the washroom. I know exactly where they are in this store – on the second floor by the children's section – do you mind?" she asked with a worried look on her face.

"Of course not, Alli. Let's go," I reassured her as we headed up the escalator and walked towards the end of the floor.

"Alli, I'll just wait for you over here," I told her, gesturing towards the travel section close by the washrooms.

"Thanks, Clare," she said before she headed inside.

I was glancing at travel books and decided I'd look for a book on Kenya to keep me busy for a few minutes, and I walked a bit further and further away in search of it until I was nearly in the children's section – where were all the books on Africa? As I kept searching, heading down the aisle, I froze as I began to hear a voice that I'd always be able to distinguish from a million others. He was adjusting it to the tone I loved so much – the one he'd always get when reading, so soft but articulate at the same time, and the strategic pauses he'd insert were met by outbursts of children's laughter.

"And then the butterfly and the parrot walked over the valley, under the tunnel, across the flowered path, through the forest, over the hills, under the bridge, across the brick road, through the meadow, aaaaaand swam across the entire river!" he was saying, pretending to be out of breath and playfully wiping a palm across his forehead in an exaggerated gesture.

"Once they reached the other side, they found the princess waiting for them and each of them rested on one of her shoulders as she led them back to the castle," he slowly read and now that he came into my line of vision, I could see that he was holding the book out so the kids could look at the photos. He was wearing a Chapters uniform and the kids were completely enthralled with the story. There were about fifteen of them, probably ranging in age from five to ten, and the youngest boy of them all was sitting as close to him as possible – his hands were locked on top of Eli's knee and he rested his head on them, glancing up at Eli as if his life depended on it.

"The End," he said with a smile as he closed the book.

The little boy didn't move as Eli made a motion to get up from the chair at the front of the reading area, and when Eli realized he wasn't planning on moving anytime soon, I saw him bend down to meet his gaze and I could hear him softly say "Hey, buddy, do you want to help me get some cookies for everyone?" and the little boy immediately nodded and Eli led him to a table in the corner of the room and held the boy's hand as he also brought a tray of cookies to the middle of the circle.

The sight of that sequence of actions and how it appeared to come as second nature to Eli brought a huge smile to my face. I was sure I've never seen anything as gentle as the way he was looking after the little boy.

I tried not to, but I couldn't help but think of how tender, caring, comforting and respectful his touches to me always were; how sometimes just the way he'd hold and squeeze my hand had the power to drive away whatever troubling thoughts were rummaging through my mind. But that was all…before things got to be too much. Then I began to minimize our contact, and he never pushed – he was always really cautious from the very beginning when it came to the physical aspect of our relationship. He sat me down a little while after my little I-want-to-spend-the-night-declaration and after I found out about his hoarding to properly tell me that he realized I had important boundaries and that if they were important to me, they were also important to him. I knew this wasn't always easy for him, and there were a couple of times when he didn't say anything, even denied it and told me not to worry about it, but I could tell that he fought really hard to not get carried away - and he was always successful and he not once made me feel uncomfortable in the slightest bit. There were actually times when I thanked God _Eli_ was the one with the strength in him to stop, because I would often get quite lost in his kisses.

I snapped out of that memory and watched as Eli also got each kid to choose a sticker and they all placed it on a large colourful chart on the wall beside their name.

As soon as the kids were all finished, Eli addressed them all one more time, "Thank you all for coming today, and we hope to see you again next week," he said, flashing them his trademark smirk that I had missed so much.

The little boy who had been clinging to him was now with his mom, but he asked "Are _you_ gonna read to us then?"

Eli looked at him and answered, "I think Miss Audrey will be back by then," and a look of disappointment stretched across the little boy's face. I'm sure Eli picked up on this as well as he went over to the little boy and gave him a small smile as he added, "_But_, Miss Audrey is going on a holiday really soon," as a girl interrupted to ask "She's going to meet the baby the stork will bring her?" and Eli grinned and said, "Exactly. She needs to meet her little girl and then stay home and take care of her, so maybe I can fill in for her again a few times," he said, and the little boy's face lit up.

I was watching all of this but part of me couldn't believe it. Not because I didn't think Eli wouldn't be good with kids, he was always pretty self-aware and very caring, but because…there was so much about him that I didn't know now. I was really happy for all of his recent progress, but now it felt like he had moved a mile past me and he was leaving me behind. I knew he had a summer job from his tweets to Adam, but I didn't know it was at Chapters. My _Fortnight _book was wrapped up in Chapters packaging and everything instantly clicked in my mind. I wanted to run up to him and hug him for the incredibly sweet thing he did for me – completely anonymously too. Did he just remember how much I loved the series and bought me a copy, and ensured I got it as soon as they came to the store? I knew I didn't need to doubt that's exactly what he did, just because to Eli it would have seemed like the right thing to do, but it's been so long since we've interacted that such a gesture that would be the norm when dating Eli meant so much more to me now. I really wanted to walk up to him and thank him, but I couldn't interrupt this moment – I didn't want to. And why hadn't he left me a note or anything, I wondered, but I knew the answer to that. He was keeping his promise of never bothering me again.

As I watched him talk to a few parents, I realized that this job suited him; he'd know all about the latest books to come out and authors would always do their readings at this particular location if they stopped by Toronto on book tours. And I had never seen him interact with kids, and seeing how patient and how genuinely invested he was in making sure the kids got interested in the story brought tears to my eyes.

I felt a hand on my arm and looked up to see Alli with a frown on her face. "Clare, did you know he worked here?" she asked.

"No, I had no idea," I honestly told her, grateful for the many tall bookshelves that allowed me to prevent me from being seen.

"Clare, snap out of it - you don't remember what he did?" Alli asked me sharply, but I was too struck with seeing him after what felt like so long - and in such a different capacity too – that I whispered in a rather sharp tone, my gaze still focused on Eli, "Alli…please…stop it…just be quiet".

Most of the kids had left by this point and he was cleaning up. Once he was finished he put the book away, glanced at his watch and started walking away. I moved Alli and myself out of the way so he wouldn't see us, and after he was really far away, I sat down on one of the chairs in the kids' area. Alli read the situation correctly and gave me my space as I picked up the book Eli had placed on the equipment table after he finished with it and I grabbed it, sat down on a kids' seat and began reading it.

**I would love a review to know what your thoughts are!**


	6. Indian Summer

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for your sweet reviews, there is nothing I love more than to read what you are thinking, so please let me know!**

**Summer turned out to take three chapters…this is the last one. **

**In this chapter we see things from Clare's perspective a little more as the summer winds down. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Adam's POV**

The caller ID on my phone flashed Eli's name and I was happy to see it, knowing he was probably calling to invite me over for guys' night. I much preferred playing video games in his room, like we did now, because his basement was really dark. I was really happy that Eli's job, and now this whole Big Brothers gig he got asked to do, didn't interfere with our hang out sessions. Ever since we had that fight when he was just starting his relationship with Clare, he'd been especially good about always telling me why he couldn't make our guys' nights if that ever happened, but it rarely did.

"Hey dude," I heard him say on the other line.

"Hi, Eli, how was work today? Did you get trampled by _Fortnight_ fangirls?" I asked him, but I immediately regretted saying that – it could easily strike an unpleasant chord with him, as we both know Clare adores that series.

"Dude, you might not even believe me if I tell you this – but I traded in that _Fortnight_ madness for the last thing I ever thought I'd be doing – get this – I ran the _young readers' club_!" he said, with a laugh at the end. I was glad to see talking about _Fortnight_ wasn't a sore spot, but the image of Eli reading to kids was too much for me and I laughed so hard that tears came to my eyes.

Once I regained my control, I said, "Oh man, that is _waaaay_ too good," and I could hear Eli scoff at the other end of the line.

"Whatever, dude, it actually wasn't so bad. Come over for dinner and guys night?" he asked.

"Awesome! I have to ask my mom obviously but I'm sure it's cool," I told him.

"You gotta do what you gotta do – so do it, and text me and let me know what she says," he said as I promised him I would and headed off to find my mom, hoping she'd be in a good mood.

**Clare's POV**

Baseball game. Right. What does one wear to a baseball game? I don't have a Jays jersey or anything similar, but I think girls can get away with not wearing that stuff necessarily. _Blue _Jays, I thought to myself as I walked over to my closet and pulled out the blue dress with ribbon straps that I last wore a few weeks ago when we had doubled with Drew and Bianca at the Dot.

I tried it on and I thought it looked very pretty, and my mom had agreed, so…why had he not reacted at all, I thought as I could feel my eyes stinging a bit. I didn't want to be this girl, but I couldn't help but wonder. I tried to shrug it off and think that it's just me being a worry wart. He did call me amazing once, I reminded myself, and I relived the moment in my mind. It was right after I assured him that it was okay that his dad wanted to head up to their cabin a day earlier, meaning we'd have to cancel our movie date. He called me amazing and got into his dad's car. It wasn't a really satisfying moment, I thought bitterly.

I decided pairing the dress with a green chunky necklace might make it pop a little, and I inserted blue studs in my ears. I looked in the mirror as I put them in, and I let my thoughts wonder for a moment as I touched my cartilage where a hoop rested once upon a time. I snapped out of it and put on mascara and as I looked at myself in the mirror I decided I really did look like I was supporting a team whose main color was blue, and I also looked a little more dressed up than I usually did, so I hope this would be…enough.

After slipping on my sandals and saying good bye to my mom, I began the 15-20 minute walk to Jake's house. I rang the doorbell once I got there and the door flung open. Jake was wearing a Blue jays jersey and hat, and I instantly felt a little self-conscious about my decision to wear a dress.

"Hi, baby. We're running a little late, we should get going," he said, and I moved my gaze away from his for a second. I was hoping he would say something. Why was this bothering me so much? It was stupid, and I knew it, but I…just can't help feeling this way.

"Are you okay, Clare?" he asked.

"Yes, of course. I'm excited," I told him, and I really was – it has been ages since I've been to a baseball game.

"Me too," he said, intertwining his hand with mine and bringing it up his lips to kiss it softly. The gesture was very sweet and it made me feel a little guilty about the absurdities running through my head.

The seats Jake got us were very good and the game was exciting because it was very close, much to Jake's chagrin. He really wanted our team to win, and he got ticked off when the Vancouver Canadians would overtake the Blue Jays. I was really thirsty but I didn't want to say anything when we had first come in, because we had been running a few minutes late and I knew Jake didn't want to miss the start. However, a natural break in the action was occurring now so I decided not to wait any longer.

"I'm going to get a drink," I told him, "Do you want anything?" I asked, but he said he'd come with me as he wrapped his arm around my waist. A smile spread across my face, because I didn't expect him to tear himself away from the game, natural break or no natural break.

We clearly weren't the only ones who figured out this was a good time to grab a drink – the line ups at the concession stand were huge and I heard Jake groan.

"You don't have to stay with me," I immediately told him.

"What? No, I want to," he responded, and he squeezed my side playfully, but I found myself pulling away a bit. Jake gave me a look and asked, "Did I do something wrong?" and he didn't look too happy.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. You know how I am with those things," I pointed out. Jake knew my family really well, his own family wasn't that different, so I didn't even think I needed to point this out.

"Yeah, I know". That's all he coldly said as we took our place in line and I wished I knew how to fix this. I leaned in and gave him a quick kiss and I was happy to see that it brought a smile to his face and he placed his arm back around my waist as we waited in line.

All of a sudden a large group of people who were all together left at the same time, making the line move much faster to my delight, but I stepped ahead only to have a child who looked about five or six almost bump into me. He had a hot dog in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other, but as he avoided bumping into me he dropped his ice cream cone and I saw tears instantly fall from his eyes. This was horrible! I needed to do something.

However, before I had any time to react, I saw no one other than _Eli _come up quickly behind the boy and _pick him up in his arms. _What on earth was this kid doing with Eli? And there appeared to be another one, who must have been about eleven or twelve, with them as well. This almost felt like an episode out of the _Twilight Zone. _

Eli mouthed "Don't worry about it" to me as he nestled the little boy in his arms and told him "Scott, look at me. It's just an accident, it doesn't matter. It's just an ice cream cone. We'll get another one – see, look the nice lady at the front is going to help us," he said, passing a ten dollar bill to the other child who gave it in turn to the cashier. The girl passed the older boy a new ice cream cone and he passed it to Eli who immediately gave it to the boy in his arms. He stopped crying right away and started eating the ice cream as Eli wiped his tears away with a napkin. I saw Eli let out a deep breath and the color that had drained from his face returned, only to drain again as the realization set in that he was face to face with me and Jake, who held his arm possessively around my waist. I saw Eli glance at it, but he snapped out of it quickly as the older boy told him,

"He's probably crying like that because our dad gets mad at him when that happens," the boy sadly pointed out.

I saw Eli shake his head as he told the older boy, "Yeah, well, he's not here right now, and I could care less about a silly accident like that. But, Scotty, maybe just quickly apologize to the young lady," he said, giving me a small smirk, "an ice cream is easily replaceable, we're just lucky we didn't get any of it on her beautiful dress," he continued.

_Her beautiful dress. _I couldn't help but smile. "Scott, is it?" I said, slipping out of Jake's grip and approaching the kid, as he shyly nodded in response. "Please don't worry about it, it's really okay," I told him, but he only turned around quickly and buried his face in Eli's neck.

Eli gave me a sad smile and explained, "He's _really_ shy," but he softly pulled the boy so he was facing him and he said, "Scotty, this is my friend from school – she's not a stranger. Her name is Clare, can you say hi?" and he did just that.

"Hi, Scotty. It's very nice to meet you," I said in response as I felt Jake place his arm around my shoulders, pulling me back a little.

Eli must have noticed as he added, "And this is my other friend Jake," at which Jake gave him a rather immature look and a scoff. I knew Eli only used the term 'friend' because he was trying to soothe Scott, or Scotty as he called him, and Jake's reaction made me a little mad. I was a little worried about how he would act around Eli now that he knew we had dated in the past.

Jake continued, "Yeah, well, maybe if the kid wasn't carrying a hot dog _and_ an ice cream this wouldn't have happened," and I couldn't believe he just said that. I was afraid Scott would burst into tears again but thankfully he was much too consumed by his ice cream to care.

I expected Eli to explode a little – or a lot - at that comment, but all he did was nod and say, "Yeah, you're right, I should've been carrying that stuff for him, my mistake," as he frowned a little.

Jake wasn't gonna let this one go, though, I could tell. He added, "Or maybe kids shouldn't be given all that junk to eat in the first place," and I saw Eli was unimpressed by this comment. I was a little scared of what he would do, to be honest, and I was trying to think of a quick way to get out of this.

However, Eli just adjusted Scott in his arms a bit and said, "Yeah, well, it's special day for us, actually. We've all been looking forward to this game for a long time," and the older boy piped in, "For a month! For the longest time I didn't think they'd even find us a Big Brother in time for it, but then Eli came and he's awesome!" and I finally realized what was going on here. Eli was in the Big Brothers program and these two boys must be brothers; I knew that if siblings entered the program they would get the same Big Brother.

Jake was confused though, as he asked "How does one exactly get a 'big brother'? You guys sure don't look like you're related to Eli…you look _much_ too happy and are wearing too much color for that," and I knew Jake crossed the line with that last comment. I removed his hand from my shoulders and I stepped away from him, shooting him a glare.

Eli shook his head with a smirk and he addressed the two kids, but he was looking right into Jake's eyes the entire time as he said, "Let's go, guys. Game's gonna start again soon," and then his gaze moved to meet mine as his face changed into a soft smile and he said "I'm sorry about the almost accident there, Clare, it was my fault, I should have been a little more alert. It was nice to see you again," and the three of them headed off.

I decided I wasn't going to let this one go. "Jake, how can you bully Eli like that in front of two little boys – what kind of message do you think that sends?" I asked him in a sharp tone.

"Wow, Clare, look at you standing up for _Eli_," he said, drawing out Eli's name as he added "if I didn't know any better - I'd think you still have feelings for him," he accused me.

"This is _not_ about Eli – "I said, but Jake interrupted, "_Do_ you still have feelings for him, Clare?" asking me directly.

"I do _not_," I stubbornly answered and Jake relaxed a bit as he said, "Good, because Drew told me that guy is mental and I'm sure he's dangerous too. Who in their right mind would let him look after those poor kids?" and this comment made my blood boil again, especially after I had seen Eli running story time in Chapters.

"Eli was sick. Or maybe he still is, I don't know. And the people that match Big Brothers partners are usually social workers and other experts," I told him.

"Whatever, I don't care about that, Clare," and he paused before he said, "I'm sorry," and he looked so sincere that I just had to give him a small smile. He leaned in for a somewhat forceful kiss that I responded to very slowly.

**Eli's POV**

"See you guys on Sunday," I said with a smile as Dylan and Scott were being dropped off. I managed to keep it together for them for the rest of the game, and I tried to explain to Dylan just how ugly bullying can look, seeing how I had the perfect example in heart throb extraordinaire Jake Martin. Dylan just sort of absent mindedly nodded as I was speaking, though, and when I was finished and I was waiting for some type of response from him, he told me Clare was very pretty, as I sighed. Yep, that's the lesson I was going for with that one.

Now I was just entering my house and everything was catching up with me. I headed upstairs to my Dad's office and I told him everything in a tiny fit of anger.

"What an asshole," was his eloquent comment, and I had to say he wasn't wrong. "What's Clarabelle doing with a guy like that?" but I think he could tell that was the wrong thing to say as he saw me flinch.

"Sorry, son," he said, as I assured him it's all right. "He's still a lot better than I ever was, dad," I pointed out, and before my dad could comment I left the office.

The next day I had my appointment with Dr. Sadler who informed me that the boys' dad had called her to thank her for connecting us, as apparently all they talked about for the rest of the weekend was how much fun they had at the baseball game.

I told Dr. Sadler about the entire episode as well and she congratulated me on the way I handled it and said I should be very proud of the progress I'd made.

I couldn't deceive her by not giving her the complete information, though, so I told her, "Maybe in public, but that night…I was pretty bummed out," I confessed.

"What do you mean?" she pursued.

"I didn't get to bed until around 2am, and then I had another one of those nightmares," I admitted. I saw her flip a page in her notebook - I had noticed she had been recording the dates of all the nights I had nightmares on for some reason.

"What was it like this time?" she asked.

"Same as always – just a replay of that night in the hospital, except now instead of going back to the dance she just meets _him_ right outside my hospital room. Then after that it's all a blur of weird spatial imagery and voices," I admitted.

"Well, you should try to get to bed earlier, Eli. What kept you up until 2am?" she asked. I couldn't lie to her, so I just whispered the truth, hoping she wouldn't hear it, but I knew a lot better than to seriously expect that, "I…was crying,"

"That's all right, Eli. That's nothing to be embarrassed about. Seeing Clare and Jake together upset you, and that's normal," she said. "Nothing to be ashamed of. You should be proud, however, of the great time you provided for Dylan and Scott, you know they really needed it too," and I nodded in response.

I liked Dylan and Scott, they were incredibly easy to get along with. The one time my mom met them when she dropped me off on a Sunday and I invited her to come inside the rec centre she said Dylan reminded her a lot of me when I was at that age, which I found a little curious. Dylan was a cool kid, smart and really protective of his younger brother like he should be. Scotty was really shy at first, but a total wild child once he got used to you. Overall, I think I've played enough games of Battleship to last me for a lifetime, but I told Dr. Sadler I'd definitely be staying on with the boys during the school year as well.

"That's great news, Eli. I'm afraid we're out of time for today, but I'll see you Thursday evening, all right?" she said as she got up and we started walking towards the door.

"Of course. Thanks Dr. Sadler," I told her as I waved good-bye.

**Clare's POV**

My dad brought the last of the shopping in as he remarked "I can't believe my youngest daughter is in _Grade 11_,_" _and I just gave him a hug as I reassured him, "'I'm not going anywhere for a long time, Daddy," and he smiled at me.

"Well, you might want to consider going to bed pretty soon, you know. I can't believe we did all of our back to school shopping after dinner the day before classes start," he pointed out.

"I won't tell mom if you don't," I playfully answered, as we did one of our traditional pinkie promises.

I followed my dad's advice and went to bed relatively early, trying to shake off the only thought that seemed to continuously pop up in my mind as I thought about the start of school. _What if we are in the same English class again?_

**Eli's POV**

"All right, you little punk, you should head to bed, it is the first day of school tomorrow," my dad pointed out. We had spent the last three hours in his music room as I updated my iPOD and dad made new playlists for his morning show.

"Exactly – the _first_ day of school," I cheekily pointed out, "nothing happens on the first day," I added.

"Eli, it's midnight – go to bed _now. _I'm doing the same thing, and I have to be up in three hours," he said as he already got up and started walking towards the door. He added, "And don't tell your mother I let you stay up this late," as I promised I wouldn't and we bumped fists to officially seal the deal.

Once I was in my bed and turned off the light, I found one thought constantly repeating in my mind. _What if we are in the same English class again? _

**I would love a review to know what your thoughts are! What did you think of the baseball game encounter? And will they be in the same English class, will Ms. Dawes make them partners making Eli think about leaving Degrassi?**


	7. Teenage Superman?

**Hi everyone! I am loving hearing your thoughts on this story…best motivator ever. **

**I feel like I need to clarify that the Jake in this story is not really meant to be the Jake I think the show will present; I think the real Jake will be a nice relaxed boy who will make Clare feel very comfortable. Having said that, from that little description we got of him, I think that as he is so chill – the perfect foil for Eli – he also won't have the same intensity Eli did when it comes to loving and caring for Clare, and maybe she'll miss that, especially as she deals with her parent's bickering which we know will happen. **

**Anyway, I hope you like the events that unfold soon - this is Eli's final year and Clare's grade 11 year – the first part. We see some English class dynamics and another Jake and Clare date. **

**Also, a huge thank you to my lovely reviewers StalkerAngel, musiksnob, ilovetaylorswift13, hopelessRMTCx3, literarius-aquarius, xeneti, and my Degrassi buddy xStayWithMe!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real-world references I happen to make.**

**Eli's POV**

Just go in. Just walk in. She won't be there, I tried to tell myself, but I highly doubted the possibility of Degrassi having _two _Grade 12 Advanced English classes; after all last year there had only been _one _Grade 11 Advanced English class. I knew the bell was about to ring any second and that Mrs. Dawes wouldn't be impressed if I was late the very first day, but I just didn't seem to be able to cross the threshold into the classroom that contained so many memories for me.

It also didn't help that the only other class I had had before this one, history, had its own lovely surprise for me in it – heart throb extraordinaire _Jake Martin_ was in it, much to the delight of the girls in those little Power Squad uniforms who were also there. Not that it's any of my business, but wasn't it girl code or something not to blatantly hit on a dude who has a girlfriend? Mr. Purino had to move Jake from the area beside those girls after the very first class. I had thought about the possibility that I might have a class with him previously, as we were in the same grade, but I thought the universe surely wouldn't be _that _evil to me. Clearly I was wrong.

History first in the morning with _him,_ and then English – well at least I didn't have a class with _both _of them – from the display that I had seen earlier today I don't think academics are Jake's thing necessarily, so I highly doubt he'll be in my English class too. I don't think I could stand seeing them hold hands and steal kisses like Clare and I used to do in English last year. So thank goodness he wouldn't be in this class - but Clare might be…probably is, I kept thinking as I still remained outside the room. I heard the bell ring and jumped a little.

Goddamn it, stop being so pathetic, I muttered, and I took a breath and walked in. _Of course she's here._ She was sitting in the middle of the room across the aisle from Adam and she was…joyful as always. At least Adam was here too. There were only a couple of seats left, both towards the front of the room where I sat last year after everything happened, so I just walked up there, giving Adam and Clare an uncomfortable smile as I passed them.

I focused on Mrs. Dawes, and wished desperately she remembered the conversation we had last year right after I came back to school. I promised Clare last year that if we were English partners I'd transfer schools, and I meant to keep that promise, no matter of how much it would honestly suck to have to switch schools again. I'd have to start all over again, send three different sets of transcripts to universities, probably have to deal with another Fitz-type idiot, and I'd see Adam so much less. Despite everything that had happened, Degrassi feels like my school now. I have faith in Mrs. Dawes and she knew a lot about what was going on with me because she had taken such an interest in my writing and in my general recovery, so I really hope she won't do this to me. But I also know Mrs. Dawes is fond of little tricks, and I hope she wouldn't think being partners might help Clare and I mend our friendship. You can't mend something when one person doesn't want anything to do with the other. Clare didn't want anything to do with my unstable, suffocating self, so I know what I have to do if Mrs. Dawes makes us partners. _Please, Mrs. Dawes. Please, don't. _

**Clare's POV**

I knew Eli would be in this class; there's only one Grade 12 Advanced English class. He thinks I haven't seen him at all since that disastrous baseball game last month, but I…went into Chapters at young readers' time one time, in a moment of weakness. My parents crossed paths as my dad was leaving the house and my mom was arriving, which caused more bickering which eventually turned into shouting. So I just left my house to escape and I hadn't planned on going there, but as I glanced at my watch I knew it was story time at the store and…my feet just seemed to lead me there. I was glad to see he was the one running it again; I guess the lady who was usually in charge of it finally went on maternity leave. I wanted to go back the next week as well, but I was scared he would see me. Then how would I explain _that_?

I tried to read his feelings about being in this class as he passed by me and Adam and gave us a small timid smile, but I knew Eli – and that was his guard going up. I didn't know how to bring that guard down anymore, so I just sighed as I saw him take a seat near the front, close by to where he sat last year after everything had happened. Maybe if Mrs. Dawes would make us partners…I began to think as she walked to the front of the class, holding a clay mug in her hands.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I am delighted to see some new faces among our small group here today," she started, smiling at the few new students, "and very happy to see those of you who I got to know very well last year," she continued, flashing me a big smile that I returned. "For those of you who are just joining us, welcome to Grade 12 Advanced English. I must say, this is my favourite class out of all the ones I teach – we have an exciting curriculum that includes an intensive reading list, in class discussions, and essay writing as most of you prepare for your transition to university. And for those of you who are here a year early," she said, looking at Adam and I, "you will learn a bit about university writing that much earlier."

She handed out course outlines as she explained, "Now, there is _some_ flexibility in this outline; as we are the only class in the school going at this pace, we can essentially decide among ourselves if we need to spend more or less time on a particular text – but the test and essay dates probably won't modify throughout the year, so please record those in your agendas when you get home tonight. We will also take a look at theatre and cinema and I can't wait for all of you gentle people to be able to apply your wonderful creativity to these projects," she continued, looking directly at Eli. I saw him give her a smirk in return and I had to turn away at the sight; I hadn't seen it in so long that realizing how much I missed it brought a new, sharp pain.

"So, because we have so much to do this year, we are going to jump right in and beat the stereotype that nothing happens on the first day of school," she said as a loud groan could be heard throughout the room.

Mrs. Dawes shook her head in amusement and said "Well, now, it won't be so bad, I promise – you are about to receive your partners for the year, so please listen up – you will spend the rest of the period filling out these worksheets together," she continued, as she handed them out and I could feel my heart pounding wildly in my chest. I was about to get my answer.

_Please, Mrs. Dawes_. I would like a chance to explain to him that if there is a chance to salvage our friendship, I would like to take it. I want to tell him I didn't just stumble into a new guy after a month; I at least wanted him to know I knew Jake from when we were kids. Mrs. Dawes had started reading off names and my heart only beat faster. Eli was staring at his worksheet as if it was the only thing that existed in the world. _Please_.

"Miss Edwards, this year you'll be paired with…Mr. Torres," she said, but she didn't look at me or at Adam – she looked at Eli out of the corner of her eye instead. Eli moved his gaze from his worksheet to the window as his chest fell a little. I knew Mrs. Dawes knew about what had happened with us, so she must have decided this would be the best course of action. It was good Adam was my partner, but I couldn't help but feel a pang of regret. I didn't really have any other chance for me to clarify some things with Eli if we were not English partners. I saw Adam look at me and then at Eli and he smiled sadly as his face displayed a look of understanding. I didn't want him to feel unwanted, so I grinned at him as I said, "I'm glad we're partners, Adam," as he said, "Me too, Clare," but I knew Adam had read the situation at face value and I couldn't help but feel a bit embarrassed.

I heard Mrs. Dawes continue with a few more names before she said, "Mr. Goldsworthy," and Eli looked at her, "you'll be partnered with Miss Davy," and I felt a tightness in my chest that I couldn't seem to shake off. Who was that? Obviously a girl, I thought bitterly. Mrs. Dawes continued "Sorry, Miss Davy, can you put your hand up so Eli can know who you are?" and I saw a very pretty blonde girl with eyes just as green as Eli's and a lot of freckles on her face put her hand up shyly. _Great._ I heard Miss Dawes add, "Miss Davy, Eli was new here last year just like you are this year and he is one of the best writers at the school so I trust you'll be in good hands," and I turned my gaze toward the floor so Adam wouldn't pick up on the anger coursing through my veins. This was _awesome. _I know I don't have any right to feel this way, but why couldn't Eli's new partner just be a guy?

"Um, hello, earth to Clare?" I heard Adam say as he pointed towards the worksheet. Oh, right. People were moving their desks together and as this _Miss Davy_ was sitting towards the middle of the room Eli moved out of his seat at the front and sat down in the desk next to hers that had been vacated as its previous occupier was now on the other side of the room meeting his own partner.

This _Miss Davy_ flashed Eli an electric smile and he gave her a small smile in return as he said, "Hey, I'm Eli".

I saw Adam rolling his eyes at me and he started filling in the worksheet, obviously realizing that I only planned on pretending on doing it so my eyes wouldn't be starting at Eli and _Miss Davy_ the whole time; I made up my mind right then and there that I'm listening to this conversation no matter what. Just don't give it away, Clare, I thought to myself as I fixed my eyes on the worksheet. Luckily, they weren't very far from me at all, so I could hear everything.

"Sorry I don't know much about his whole writing partner deal, I just moved here a few weeks ago. My name is Lana," the girl said. So _Miss Davy_ is Lana.

"Don't worry, you don't have to know anything about it yet; we just exchange assignments a couple days before they're due and then recommend changes to each other, that's it, Lana," Eli explained, and then he got an amused look on his face and asked, "Lana, like teenage Superman's girlfriend?" . However, he then looked to immediately regret that remark as she rolled her eyes playfully in response and he added "Sorry. That was a lame comment," and he looked genuinely embarrassed.

She shook her head and said "Don't worry about it, it actually doesn't happen as much as you'd think. But yeah, that kind of Lana. And as much as I'd like to pretend it is kind of lame, the teenage Superman comics are my favorite of the series, actually. So as much as I'd like to tease my parents for giving me this name, I actually like it. Unlike this weather you guys have up here in Canada." I heard her complain.

"The weather? It's still pretty nice out for Toronto standards, everyone's calling it an Indian summer," Eli said before asking her, "Where are you from?" and she got a sad, wistful look on her face as she said "California," which explained her soft tan. _Great_. Eli's new English partner is a California beach babe who's into comics. _Fantastic._

Eli grimaced and said, "Uh oh. I'm afraid it does get a lot colder out here, not gonna lie to you," but she smiled in return and playfully responded, "Let's hope I survive," and Eli nodded and they began working on their sheet. Adam was diligently filling his in and I began doing the same. I've always liked filling in every answer on worksheets, it's a nice feeling of satisfaction to gradually complete everything in order, but this time I found myself skipping answers and filling it sloppily.

About fifteen minutes later, I heard Lana pipe up again, "Eli?" and I heard him answer, "Yeah?" Lana looked up at him shyly as two pairs of green eyes met and she said, "I know this might be kind of weird, so don't feel like you have to say yes, but…do you think you could show me around the school at lunch? I just don't want to be lost for the rest of the day," and he responded, "Yeah. Of course. Don't worry, it's not too big, you'll get to know it soon," and I felt the same venomous feeling creep up again in my mind. What did I expect? Eli wouldn't really say no to that question. But why does she have to ask _him_? Why can't she just ask a girl?

Mrs. Dawes went over the answers to the worksheet – Lana put up her hand for one of the questions and she earned praise from Mrs. Dawes for her well-constructed answer. _So_ Lana was smart. She obviously wasn't shy and could fend for herself; if she could come up with that answer, she definitely could read a map, I thought bitterly. I then felt like tackling the next question Mrs. Dawes asked the class so I did, and Mrs. Dawes also complimented my answer as well. When the bell rang I rushed out of the classroom, wondering exactly how many more English classes were left until the end of the year and if it was too early to start a countdown.

I then had a quick yearbook meeting that consisted of just putting together our email list for the year, and when I got to the cafeteria I saw _her_ eating lunch with Eli and Adam. Guess her school tour was over and Eli invited her to eat lunch with them. Or maybe she invited herself, who knew. I saw her laughing over a comic book with Adam and couldn't help but think back to exactly a year ago when I had just met Adam and Eli myself and the three of us used to eat lunch together. I angrily took my seat beside Jake and as I saw Eli look over at me I felt a surge of boldness overcome me and I pulled Jake in for a sloppy kiss of the type that I never really enjoyed much, and he happily obliged.

**Eli's POV**

Gross. I wouldn't have ever dared to pull such a…theatrical kiss on her in the middle of the school cafeteria. And the smart and conscientious Clare that I knew wouldn't have felt the need for such a display either, I thought sadly as I watched her _run her hand down his chest_ as she pulled away. Heart throb extraordinaires' girlfriends need to put on a show now, I guess. I finished my lunch as Adam and Lana continued talking, engrossed in their common love for comic books, and I smiled to myself - the idea that I got during English class seemed to be off to a good start. I made up some lame excuse about needing to be in my next class early, knowing full well Adam wouldn't buy it, but as I turned around and saw him mouth _"Thanks, dude," _and I was glad to see my instincts were right so far.

**Clare's POV**

I pulled away a little embarrassed. This was not my style. But Jake's face was flushed and he had a huge grin on his face as he said, "Wow. _That's _a nice way to say hello," and I felt my face burn. "Clare, I've been thinking," he said, "I think it's time we have a date night soon - tonight, actually. What do you say – whatever _you_ want to do we'll do," and I felt a huge smile spread across my face. Jake had realized that maybe it's time we do something I want to do, and I felt so silly for all the doubts I had been having lately about his attitude.

"Maybe…we could go to a movie?" I shyly suggested, adding "There's a new Reese Witherspoon one that looks good," and

to my delight Jake said, "Your wish is my command, my lady" with a grin, and I gave him a big smile in return. He added, "But in two weeks, after soccer try-outs are over, okay?" I agreed, knowing that sports were a big priority for Jake. The fact that he said we could do whatever I wanted was too much of a relief for me to fins any faults with it right now; I knew I was over reacting with all my worries earlier. He leaned in and gave me another sloppy kiss, as I slowly responded and regretted ever initiating one myself – I probably led him to believe this would be the norm from now on. I glanced over to where Eli was sitting only to see that he was now gone and Lana was blushing furiously at something Adam had said. Where had he gone?

The rest of the day went by pretty normally; Alli and I had our last two classes of the day together which I was happy to see. Two weeks went by painfully slowly, and as soon as classes were over the day of our date, I went home pretty quickly after school as I wanted to have enough time to finish the little homework that we had already gotten and because I wanted plenty of time to get ready.

A few hours later, I stepped out of my room in a black dress complimented by a pink necklace and black flats and went into my mom's room so I could show her my outfit. She was sitting at her desk, but she looked up from her papers immediately with a smile.

"So…what do you think?" I asked her, spinning around.

"You look so beautiful, love. I can't believe how fast you're growing up, sweetheart," she said, and I thanked her. But I didn't feel like this was enough feedback.

"The dress isn't too loose on me, mom?" I asked, thinking back to a few months ago to Bianca's form-fitting outfit.

"No, honey, it's perfect. I love your necklace too," she added, before raising an eyebrow at me. "Clare, what's with all these questions lately? You seem to be doubting your outfit choices a lot more," she started.

"No, no I just want to look nice, that's all. Maybe I should hem it to be a bit shorter?" I pursued, and folded the fabric onto itself so it was about an inch shorter.

My mom's eyes widened at my dress' modified length and she got up from her chair and gave me a serious look. "Clare, what's going on? And I want the truth," she plainly said.

"Mom, _nothing_ is going on," I continued, "I just want to make sure I look nice before my date, what's so wrong about that?" I asked her.

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, honey. It's just that you never used to ask me these things before," she pointed out. "We always used to pick your outfits together – that's part of the fun of being a mother, you know – but now you're always asking me about the way things _fit_, don't you see? What's changed, Clare? You know you're beautiful, and you have an excellent figure," she said.

"I know, I know, mom. There's nothing wrong," I insisted. "This is what I'm wearing and I love it," I said in my most convincing tone. She gave me a somewhat disbelieving look and said "All right love. It _is _beautiful, Jake is one lucky boy," she added with a smile. "What time is he picking you up?" she asked.

"We're meeting at the movies at eight," I told her and she frowned as she said, "Well, then, I'll drive you in about fifteen minutes, okay?" and I accepted, secretly being really glad she had offered. It was dark outside already and I didn't want to walk alone in my dress. My mom also reminded me that the only reason I was allowed out this late on a school night was because I had finished all my homework as I nodded in response, and she further added that we wouldn't be making a habit of date nights on school days. I had to admit she had a point.

Once we got to the cinema I saw Jake waiting outside and he came up to the car. My mom said hi to him, giving him a bit of a cold look before adding, "Jake, don't leave just yet," and he came a little closer to her as she signalled for him to approach her. I didn't like the look of this.

She gave him a stern look as she told him, "I don't want Clare walking home after ten, alone in a dress, all right? This is downtown Toronto, I'm sure you watch the news and hear about the sorts of things that happen. If you take my daughter out after dark, you drive or walk her home as well. If you can't do that, you just take her out during the day, understood?" and I felt like digging myself a hole in the ground that I could just crawl into and say there forever as Jake nodded uncomfortably and said "Of course, Miss Edwards. I'm sorry, I should've known better," as my mom assured him it's just the way it's gotta be before she drove away.

The night had started off really uncomfortably and I could feel the tension in Jake's body as he grabbed my hand. We entered the building, he paid for our tickets, and as we walked by the concession stand he asked me if I wanted anything. I told him I didn't – I couldn't imagine stomaching anything right now – and I just waited with him in line so he could get a Sprite. Once inside the theatre, he chose a pair of seats towards the back and we settled in.

I hated the overwhelming unpleasantness in the air so I just told him, "Jake, I'm sorry about my mom. She can be a little overprotective, or you know, a lot," but he just coldly stared at me and said "You should've told me this after-dark thing was a problem, Clare. It's really embarrassing to have your mom pounce on my like that, not to mention - she'll probably tell my dad now," and I immediately assured him "She _won't_, Jake. She wouldn't do that," but I was a little troubled that all he seemed to care about was getting in trouble with his dad.

"Whatever," he scoffed. "Now I'm cast in the role of the boyfriend who can't look after his girl properly, the one who leaves her to be attacked in the middle of the night," he muttered, and I pleaded, "You're _not_," but I had a feeling my words wouldn't be enough, so I leaned in and gave him a soft kiss.

He ultimately responded and moved his hand around my waist, putting the armrest in between us up and pulling me closer to him. He started massaging my hip again, and even though I wasn't completely comfortable with it, I knew if I pulled away now I might ruin this night for good and I really didn't want to do that, so I just let it go. He kissed my forehead before pulling my entire body onto his lap, a move which caught me by surprise. I whispered "Movie's starting," and he moved to turn off his phone.

The movie began and I was really enjoying it. After months of nothing but Jake's science fiction flicks, which were complete disasters when it came to any storyline or character development, seeing a nice light hearted romantic comedy was just what I needed. But Jake's hand was moving higher and higher up my body, and I didn't want to just pull away because I knew he'd get mad. And did I like…owe him this because he wouldn't like this movie? I didn't know if that was some sort of convention – I made Eli watch his share of romantic comedies in the past, but he only playfully complained, not acted all passive aggressive like Jake was being right now, and he definitely didn't use those movies as a time to…push my limits. So I just decided to tell Jake I'd be going to the washroom; I wanted an excuse to get back to my seat without just pulling away from him and I thought that would be the perfect plan.

However, when I came back, he just pulled me back into his lap and after a few minutes, he began leaving a trail of wet kisses down the back of my neck, something he'd never done before. I put up with it for a few seconds, hoping he would stop when he sensed my hesitation, but when he only kept going, I raised my shoulders a bit and shifted uncomfortably. The way he was kissing me was making me feel…guilty. He turned me around and softly told me to relax as he held me tighter and it was then when I knew I couldn't do this anymore, so I abruptly moved to my original seat and I said, "I'm just gonna sit over here for the rest of the movie, okay?" and I saw a look of shock cross his face.

He pulled away from me and I dreaded the moment in which the end of the movie would come. I couldn't even pay attention to the rest of it because I could still feel his touch on me and I didn't like the sensation. When the credits did finally roll onto the screen, Jake grabbed his jacket and stood up and I did the same, hoping he wouldn't be too mad. He turned towards me and said, "Clare, listen to me," and I flinched. He was supposed to be my ride home, what if he'd be too mad to keep his promise to my mom? I'd have to walk home alone after all.

He continued, "I'm sorry. I really am. I shouldn't have done that. It's just…hard for me to know what crosses the line and what doesn't. I thought, for example, that what I was trying to do back there didn't – but you see, you never told me, so how am I supposed to know? And…guys just can't stop sometimes." he said.

I relaxed a bit as I heard the first part of his statement, but when he said that guys 'just can't stop' I froze. I was instantly transported in my mind to the past; the first time when I Eli and I were kissing…rather passionately in his room and he was the one to pull away first, saying that we should stop soon. At the time I felt really bad that our boundaries weren't the same, and I was concerned so I felt the need to apologize, telling him that I understood that just stopping like that must be really hard for him. He immediately shook his head, told me he never wanted to hear me feel like I needed to apologize to him about this stuff, and assertively reassured me that what _would_ be hard would be not kissing me _at all_ and that he will always be prepared to stop at any moment, no matter how far or not far we get. So how could it be that I'm just supposed to believe 'guys can't stop'? I saw Eli stop time and time again.

I had to say something to Jake, so I did my best to form somewhat of an appropriate response. "Umm, I promise I'll be more communicative from now on," I hesitatingly replied.

"_You_ don't have to apologize here baby; I do. I think it's great you decided to actually carry through with your vow," he said and that surprised me a bit. It wasn't like after you took the vow you had another negotiation period or something where you decided if you _really_ wanted to go through with it after all. You took it once and that was it. Jake knew this, he took the vow too.

"Yeah, I'm just glad you understand because you are in the same position," I said, thinking this comment would coax him into a discussion.

"I was. But then I rethought it, you see. I think it's a little different for guys," he said and I almost couldn't believe my ears.

"How is it different for guys?" I asked him.

"It just is. Guys are different when it comes to that stuff, you know. It's not like I've done – that - a lot, and I'd never do it if I didn't have real feelings for a girl," he added as my jaw almost hit the floor. How had I now known this before?

"Jake…you know I'm not going to do that until I'm married, right? I'm not re-evaluating that any time soon," I told him, trying to block out the conversation I had with Eli about this same subject. It would be a different one than the one I was about to have with Jake; this might be hypocritical but there was no way I was going to make the same suggestion to Jake that I had to Eli. I tried not to read too much into this; maybe after more time will pass and I am as used to Jake's touch as I was to Eli's I might reconsider, I told myself, but deep down inside I knew I was in trouble here. The most I could imagine when it came to Jake's touch was…being used to it, but not…responding to it in the same way I responded to Eli's touch. Maybe it also has something to do with the fact that Eli always used to ask before doing anything a little more daring…Jake tends to spring these surprises on me when it comes to this subject, making me freeze up and panic.

His voice interrupted my thoughts; I heard him say "Yeah, I know. I'm not going to force you to do that with me, Clare. I'm not an abusive boyfriend as well as a careless one," he said, and that remark hurt. I thought we were over the little incident with my mom.

"Does it bother you, about my vow?" I decided to ask him the exact same question I had asked Eli. Eli's reaction to this question wasn't the best exactly, but at least I knew that it was completely honest; he had told me exactly what had been running through his mind.

"Where did I park again?" was Jake's answer. Was he avoiding my question? This was important; I wouldn't be letting this go anytime soon. "Jake? Does. It. Bother. You." I stressed.

"No. No. No. No. Give it a rest already, Clare," he said as I tried to gage the sincerity of that answer. His annoyance with me was definitely honest.

We found the car and he drove me home in an uncomfortable silence. He gave me a good night kiss and as I walked towards my front door I decided this wasn't our best date ever. That thought made me really sad because I really had anticipated this as a much needed fun night. Instead I found out something about him that I just can't shrug off.

I went inside my house and up to my room where I was glad to change out of my dress – another one for the 'never been commented on' collection – and into my soft PJs. I felt horrible, and I really felt like I needed a shower despite the fact that I had one before my date, so I took one anyway. Once I had dried my hair I grabbed my latest _Fortnight_ book and began reading it tucked in bed in an attempt to make myself feel better. Tears came to my eyes as I was holding the book and I realized that this particular copy's indirect source used to be the only person who could always offer me unconditional comfort. And I felt the need to be comforted so badly now, but what kind of a right had I to even talk to him? _Have I made a huge mistake?_

**I would love to read your thoughts in a review!**


	8. Challenges and Special Projects

**Hi everyone! In this chapter we see…Eli and Jake encounter (alone), more on Lana, and a little special interaction. **

**This is Eli's final year and Clare's grade 11 year – the second part.**

**As always, a huge thank you to my lovely reviewers StalkerAngel, musiksnob, ilovetaylorswift13, hopelessRMTCx3, literarius-aquarius, xeneti, and my Degrassi buddy xStayWithMe!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real-world references I happen to make.**

**Eli's POV**

I hate Tuesday mornings, and to top everything off I was even a few minutes late today. Goddamn it - I actually like history, but now it's tainted by _his _presence. I swear I try to focus on Churchill's decision-making policies, but sometimes the giggles from the girls around him really do interrupt the entire class. I sighed as I also remembered that unlike merry-hearted Mrs. Dawes, Mr. Purino actually really hates it when people are late. _Great._

As I turned the corner and walked towards the classroom quickly, I noticed I was not the only one who was late this morning. _He _was also late, and he flashed me a death glare as he asked me, "And why are _you_ late this fine morning, Goldsworthy?" as I responded, "None of your business," and I really wanted to add 'jackass' to the end of that sentence but miraculously I controlled myself.

He gave me a wry smile as he smugly said "Yeah, well, I'm late because I took _my_ girl to the movies last night, and all snuggled away in the back of the theatre, we had a _really good_ time, if you know what I mean. I bet she'll be even later coming in to class than me, she's probably _exhausted,_" and I felt my entire body freeze up. _I wanted to punch him_ – I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life. Damn it, Dr. Sadler – you owe me one. I could feel my heart pounding and anger coursing through my veins. Did he really just say that? Clare would _never_, I thought, but my mind instantly flashed to the little display she had put on in the cafeteria yesterday. Nothing would hurt me more than if the Clare I knew was changing, being tainted by this jerk. That would be devastating. I know I was bad for her, and I only knocked her down time and time again, but that was one area I'm pretty sure I never made her uncomfortable in.

I decided not to give him the satisfaction of an answer, and I pushed past him in the doorway, muttering "Get out of my way, idiot," but at that moment Mr. Purino turned around and saw us coming in. He obviously wasn't impressed with us, and he said

"Well, well, what do we have here? Tardy Mr. Martin and tardy Mr. Goldsworthy. I've already assigned partners for our first project, so you two can just be together. Topic is war prevention in the Cold War era – choose one key event and write a 2000 word essay on it."

I couldn't believe this. No way I was doing this. No way I _was _spending _any_ of my free time with _him_. And how on earth can an essay be a group project? Now I knew that Mr. Purino was kind of a bad teacher, but a group _essay_ kind of surpasses all logic. Jake just smiled smugly, obviously enjoying this. Well, two can play that game, I thought as I took my seat and thought if Mr. Purino might appreciate an essay on why war and aggression is sometimes the best option instead.

After history was over, I booked it to English class where I managed to tear Adam away from Lana for a second, which is actually a remarkable achievement these days – over the past little while the two have become inseparable, but I never complain, figuring I kind of owe Adam one in this area. I told him everything outside the classroom, and he flashed me one of the most honest looks of sympathy I've ever seen.

"That really sucks, Eli, but don't blow all your progress just because of that one jerk," he rightly pointed out. "Just do the damn thing and get it over with," he said.

I took a deep breath and realized Adam was right. I applied one of the coping techniques Dr. Sadler taught me, and recognized the things that I was grateful for in this moment. I was grateful that history had ended and that now I had English. It might hurt to see Clare, but I think I've earned the right of allowing myself a moment today. It came halfway through class when she answered a question out loud. I allowed myself to look at her and I couldn't help but smile at the sparkle in her eyes when she was arguing that Lizzy really does love Mr. Darcy, and all the stress that had been accumulating over the past hour just melted away. She was _so_ beautiful and _so_ smart. And there was not a stupid sign of being tired on her face at all. She was radiant like always.

That evening I went home and chose the Berlin blockade as my example of war prevention during the Cold War era. I researched calmly and found the essay easy to write. Normally I would take two days for this kind of thing; after researching everything I usually had enough of studying only one thing, but I _really _wanted to get this done, so I just figured I'd start writing and see what would happen. Four hours later, I had 2 200 words that basically argued that strong American decision making and Soviet failure to accurately read the reactions of the people of Germany were the principal reasons why the Berlin Blockade was successful. I was pretty pleased with the result, so I printed a copy as I headed off in the direction of Dr. Sadler's office – I left a little early as I was planning on proofreading it in her waiting room.

However, on my way to her office, as I passed by the Dot I could see Clare and _him_ inside. She was doing homework and he was working on a laptop. I figured this was as a good of a time as any, and if something happened, it would be a good thing I'd be heading right off to see Dr. Sadler. I had made it a rule to never enter this place again when I found out who its newest employee was, but I felt I could handle things now. I still had nothing to say to him.

I took a deep breath before pushing the door and making my way inside. I could see Fitz collecting dishes and sneaking glances at Clare every now and then. _Awesome, this is already going so well. _In and out, I promised myself.

As I approached their table, and they both saw me, Clare pushed her homework aside and Jake moved away from his computer to sit on the same side of the booth as her. He leaned in and initiated one of those gross kisses like the one I had witnessed in the cafeteria on the first day of school. The sight made me feel like I was going to be sick. As soon as she pulled away I decided I'd better speak up so I can just get the hell out of here.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your date, guys," I said, "but Jake, I started working on that project for Purino's class – here it is," I added as I dropped it on the table, "just give it a read-through and see if there's anything you want to change. If you don't like something, just email me, my address is at the very end of the essay".

Jake flipped through the pages with an incredulous look on his face as Clare just sat there, staring first at Jake then at me.

He finally spoke up, "Dude, how many words is this," as I answered, "2 200. Purino won't mind the extra 200 words," I assured him. I never could fit everything into those stupid word limits, but most teachers didn't seem to mind if I went just a little over the limit. I never dared to pull such a stunt on Mrs. Dawes, though – I swear the woman could smell just one extra word like a bloodhound could smell cocaine inside luggage.

Jake looked astonished as he said, "You wrote the whole thing…in one afternoon?" and I didn't want to dwell on this any longer, so I just said, "It wasn't a hard topic," shrugging my shoulders.

He continued, "Dude, do you even know this stuff?" and I couldn't believe this idiot. "Yeah, I do now – I just researched it, you can see my sources in the bibliography. Read it and we can change parts of it if you don't like them," and I noticed that Clare hadn't taken her eyes of me the entire time.

Jake shook his head and said, "Um - _hell no_. Thanks, man, one less thing on my to-do list means more time I can spend with _my_ girl," he said with a mischievous smile as he moved his had to rub hers, rotating the delicate ring on her finger. I sighed – at least it was still there. I knew very well what he was doing as he continued, "So, thank _you_ for that, _Eli_," he said, drawing out my name. Wishing-I-could-punch-this-idiot-in-the-face moment #2234, I thought to myself.

Clare moved his hand off her shoulder and gave him a glare, and I couldn't help but let a small smirk of satisfaction cross my face.

I decided it was time to get out of here before I did actually punch Jake, plus I didn't want to be late for my appointment with Dr. Sadler, and now this history project nightmare was over the same day that it began, thank goodness.

"It was nice to see you again, Clare," I said. "I'll bring the printed out essay to class the day it's due, Jake. You guys have a nice night," I quickly said before booking it out of there and taking a deep breath. I've never been so happy to be outdoors in my entire life, but I could feel my hands shaking the moment I left the Dot and my breath was getting shallower and shallower. _No, please, not now. I need to make it through this._

Luckily, I was startled by my phone vibrating in my pocket and when I pulled it out I was a little surprised to see Lana's name flashing across the screen. We had exchanged numbers because we were English partners, and sometimes I hung out with both her and Adam, but I knew that after the Fiona Fiasco Adam really needed this one so I often made up some sorry excuse that I knew they didn't quite buy, in order for them to get some one on one time. Having Fiona actually apologize to Adam and shake hands on being friends with him was nice closure for him, but I could tell he was still rather hurt by the whole thing, so I really hoped things with Lana would go better; but it was still a _very_ big question. We didn't even know if she knew about Adam – she was new this year after all, and the rumour mill wasn't really concerned with Adam anymore since everyone found out last year.

I took the call and said, "Hey, Lana. What's up?" and I could hear her take a deep breath at the other end.

"Eli, I'm sorry to bother you with this – but I can't take it anymore and I'm just not into dancing around issues," as my heart froze a little. She sounded kind of mad.

"What's going on, what issues?" I asked her.

"Here's the deal – I originally wanted to just say this directly to Adam, but the way he's been acting towards me over the past week after I thought I had made things pretty clear is to be honest, a little annoying," she paused, before continuing, "and I think it's because he's scared, so I don't want to scare him even more by exploding at him, so I'm just going to explode at you instead because I'm pretty sure _you_ can take it," she said, but I wasn't so sure where she was going with this.

"Hit me," I said.

"Eli, I know Adam's transgender, and if that's the only reason he hasn't officially asked me out on a date yet, you'd better tell him to smarten up and just do it already. I'm dying over here," she said and I couldn't help but let out a deep breath and a chuckle. Now, _this _was the girl for Adam. Not just because she didn't mind that he's transgender, but because this girl was brave and direct – she can help Adam overcome some of the insecurities he has. And she isn't too intense either – the fact that she called me and did not explode at Adam shows she stopped and thought about how _he _would feel in that situation. This almost makes up for that horrible scene in the Dot.

"Lana, did you know you're the pretty much _the_ best person ever?" I asked her with a laugh, and I was happy to hear her laughing back. "But how did you know, who told you?" I was a little curious.

"Eli, _please_, I'm from Los Angeles, I don't need anyone to tell me. I knew from the very first day, so the fact that he hasn't asked me out yet makes me think that he just…doesn't like me the way I like him," and she sounded so sad and so convinced that I knew I had to do something.

"Lana, listen to me – that's not true. I don't feel like telling you this is betraying his trust, because it's so damn obvious he adores you that anyone could tell you that, you don't need me to. But I'll talk to him - calling me was totally the right thing to do, you know. Adam hasn't had it easy – he was new at the school last year just like me, and when everyone found out…let's just say it wasn't very pleasant for him," I informed her.

"Damn it," I heard her mutter. "Well, just tell him that I know, Eli, all right? That's all I need," and I assured her I would before we said our goodbyes.

Part of me wanted to head over to Adam's right now, but I had my appointment with Dr. Sadler. But not telling him right this second would kill me, because knowing Adam he's totally been torturing himself over this for the past two weeks – so even if I didn't want to do this over the phone, I didn't want him to live in agony a second longer, I decided as I dialled his number.

"What's up, Eli?" he said. He sounded pretty beat.

"Dude, stop moping around," I said, getting right to the point. "Lana just called me in frustration, to tell me that she knows you're transgender and that it doesn't bother her, but what d_oes _bother her is that you won't ask her out already. She suspects it's because you think she doesn't know, but she does, dude. She apparently could tell from the first day you two met – some L.A. instinct or something like that – but now she's starting to think you don't actually like her, so…get on that, Adam," I finished, and all I could hear in response was a huge pause. What was wrong with this kid? But then…the cheering came and I started laughing myself.

"All right, then, I'll leave you to your celebration, but by the time I get out of my appointment with Dr. Sadler, you'd better have called her _and _texted me with concrete plans of where you're taking her. She's a good girl Adam, so don't blow it," I warned him.

"Trust me dude, I have no intentions of doing that," he said, and we said our goodbyes and hung up as I finally headed off to Dr. Sadler's office.

**Dr. Sadler's POV**

Eli had just had a very tumultuous day at school, and after everything he had told me about this Jake character, I really was honestly surprised Eli hadn't punched him yet. To be honest, I think I would've let it go if he had punched him after what he had said to him about taking Clare to the movies. I explained to Eli that Jake was doing these things only to get under his skin, but I knew that Eli was already aware of that. I was happy with the way he had handled everything, although it was blatantly unfair he did that whole project by himself, but that's Eli for you – dealing with things head on isn't really his thing, although in this case, just getting the project over and done with wasn't such a bad course of action.

He had just finished telling me about his successful matchmaking, which brought a huge smile to my face, as Eli was Eli and he really cared about his friends' happiness, and I could tell he was proud he was able to bring some to Adam.

"That's fantastic, Eli, although remember – high school relationships are tough, so you may have to bring Adam's expectations back down to Earth, sometimes, you know?" I explained.

"Oh, I know, Dr. Sadler, but that's just it – if the relationship doesn't work out eventually, at least it won't be because Adam's transgender, you know? He can deal very well with all the other typical reasons, it's just the transgender thing that really hurts him," Eli very intelligently pointed out.

"I see your point, Eli. Very good. Anyway, I ran into Dylan and Scott's dad last week and they continued to praise you, you know?" I told him, with a big smile on my face. This partnership has to be one of my most successful.

"I'm not sure I'm the one who deserves the praise – anyone would have an easy time with those kids, they are awesome. Last Sunday we kept our plans very low key; they just hung out at my house – we played video games - Adam joined us as well - and my mom baked brownies with them," he shared with me.

"I know, that was one of the things their dad mentioned – how nice it is that your mom became involved with them too, so they have that female presence in their life as well. You've done really well with them, yourself, though, Eli – they adore you, you know," I pointed out, trying to steer him towards a particular conversation I wanted to have with him. He got the faintest blush on his cheeks as he smiled – Eli was never one for receiving compliments.

"Thanks, Dr. Sadler, but really, I don't do much. They're just cool kids," he said.

"Eli, I hope this makes you realize you are not the monster you perceive yourself to be, you know," I softly said. Eli had never described himself to me in those terms before, but I knew that's how he thought of himself after the accident.

He looked out the window – this was a little defence mechanism that he had built up - and he said, "I know. It does, a little, but Dr. Sadler…the things I did can't ever be excused," he said, as I sighed and seriously doubted if Eli would e_ver _let go of this enormous guilt complex he had built up for so long now.

"Eli, the past is just that – the past. You know I want you to focus on the present and on the future. And with that in mind, I have something to ask you, you know. What are your plans for the summer after you graduate?" I inquired, as his gaze moved from the window to meet my own.

"I just figured I'd take it easy and get ready for college, you know? And I'd go back to working at Chapters if Len would hire me back," he specified.

"That sounds like a great plan, Eli, but I have something for you to consider. Your work in the Big Brothers program has been so amazing that I was hoping you would like to become a staff member for them over the summer, but in a different capacity than actually working with the kids themselves. Eli, I'd like you to be a grant writer for them – do you know what that is?" I asked him.

"Yeah, that's where you write out proposals in order to get funding for the programs and such, right?" he countered.

"Exactly. I've seen your writing and even though past grant writers have been college students, I have no doubt you can do it," I said, but his face displayed both the smallest bit of excitement as well as a look of doubt.

"What I really write is fiction, though; I haven't done any proposals, really…." He trailed off.

"It's easier than writing fiction, Eli. All the information is in the Big Brothers program descriptions and you'd have all the past completed grant applications for reference as well," I explained. "The pay would be a little better than what you would get at Chapters, not by a lot, but by a little, so you could get closer to that car faster, and this is a chance to do some real good. No one could be better at this than you, Eli, as not only do you write impeccably, but you've also come to know the program so well," I pointed out.

"I'd be nice to have a job based on writing," he reflected. "But what if I screw up and the program loses its funding all because of me?" he asked.

I gave him a tiny laugh in response as I explained, "It doesn't work like that, Eli – any grants you'd be filling out would represent _additional _income for the program. And I know you won't screw up," I assured him, and to my delight he accepted. I gave him some information on a special grant that had an April deadline; we were going to use this as a sort of a trial to see if he likes it and if his writing is good enough, but I had no doubt that it was. I could tell he was also very excited after I told him more details about the job and assured him that this would still mean he would spend the same amount of time as it was regular during the summer with Dylan and Scott.

As Eli walked out of my office a few minutes later, I thought of the young man who had first walked in here on his very first appointment, and I couldn't help but think of them as two really different individuals. I didn't tell Eli this yet, but I wouldn't have the need to see him when he moved to college; I was convinced not only of that, but of the fact that I wouldn't even carry on with him until graduation, I don't think; we'll probably come to a stop around May if everything progresses the way I anticipate it to. I also didn't tell him that the fact that he'd be working in this same building as one of the Big Brothers grant writers would mean that I would still see him regularly, so that level of proximity made me happy, not really because I felt Eli would need it – although it will be nice to catch up on occasion - but because I am curious to see what he will do with his life as he gets older. I'm sure it's nothing but good and I want to be on the sidelines to witness it.

**Clare's POV**

I continued giving Jake more details as I said, "So then I thought each student in Degrassi could pick out presents from the mine-store we'd set up in the cafeteria and write a letter to their pen-pal in Kenya – Darcy said photos and individual details about their buddies is what the kids would appreciate most".

I knew I was speaking a mile a minute, but I just couldn't contain my excitement. I had gotten an idea for a charity project our whole school could participate in as I was speaking to Darcy on the phone last week and she was telling me how hard it is to gather just the necessary school supplies for the children at all the orphanages in the county she was working in. After speaking with Principal Simpson, he decided to support my idea of partnering each Degrassi student with a student from one of the three orphanages in the county – the numbers worked perfectly.

I continued giving Jake more details, "So everything is pretty much organized when it comes to logistics – but I'm still missing something really important – I can't come up with a name for the project regardless of how much I think about it; nothing seems to fit," I was hoping maybe he could give me some suggestions. I needed to get outside of my own brain for a while here.

"You'll figure something out eventually, baby. You always do," was the response I got from him. I decided to push a little, "So you'll be my co-captain on this project, next week, right?" as I decided to sweeten the deal with a little kiss. After he pulled away he said, "I can't baby – last few soccer games of the year are coming up and I'd like to play at university, so I need to keep my game up. You understand, don't you?" he asked.

"Yeah, of course I do," I slowly said, trying not to let my disappointment completely display across my face, not that Jake has ever seemed to pick up on it before. University was important after all – and a bit of a touchy subject for us. I was wondering where this relationship would go as Jake would head off to college; the time was approaching pretty soon enough now. Thing is, he hasn't even told me his top choices of schools – he just says, "I'll figure it out eventually," but sometimes the things he _doesn't_ say are coming in loud and clear.

I pulled away from the kiss he was looking to give me as I headed off towards English. I liked having English as my first class in the morning now that we were on our last timetable rotation of the year. Once I got there, I was a little surprised to see Adam steal a kiss from Lana as she giggled madly in response. Things had become pretty clear a few weeks after the start of school, but the two of them had never been quite so public before. I had felt pretty dumb when I realized that Eli was playing matchmaker and not looking to hit on Lana, but the day I heard her ask him to show her around the school was the day that a new realization had set in for me – Eli might start dating again as well. After all, I had, hadn't I?

In fact, when you'd consider how smart and good-looking and funny he is, it's surprising he hasn't yet. I wasn't blind; I have seen multiple girls look at him in that way, but he just seems aloof to it all, and even though I was a little ashamed to feel this way, I couldn't help but be happy that he didn't encourage them. He just spent all his time doing schoolwork or writing, and sometimes he'd be with Adam and Lana, though I noticed he was giving them a lot of alone time as well. But the possibility had crept into my mind the first day Lana got here – maybe because she was so strikingly gorgeous as well – and it hadn't ever left.

When the bell rang and Eli still hadn't gotten here I couldn't help but feel…a little deflated. Or a lot. He hadn't missed any English classes so far this year, which was a bit of a miracle for him, considering there were several times last year in which he preferred to "take off". Where could he be, I thought to myself, and I sadly wished he wasn't sick…or hurt maybe? I could feel my heart start beating a little faster as I tried to push those thoughts out of my head and decided to just focus on taking notes. And then…I realized. As I wrote the date at the top of my page, it clicked. For the second year in a row, I got the same dizzying feeling that I should have realized this sooner.

I whispered across the aisle to Adam, "Hey, Adam, it's April 22nd. Where's Eli? Is he all right?" but as Adam widened his eyes at my mention of the date, I realized he had forgotten as well.

"Damn it," he said, "I am _the worst_ friend ever," he muttered. "I've been so caught up, well…in –" and as he glanced over at Lana, I nodded with a sympathetic smile.

Lana noticed something was up and said, "What's going on, guys?" I didn't talk much to her, but Adam had introduced us relatively early on in their relationship and she seemed very comfortable with me, but she was generally quite friendly. I'm guessing Adam and Eli didn't share our entire past with her, though.

I heard Adam say to her, "Three years ago today, the girl Eli was dating at the time – Julia – died in a car accident. Eli still blames himself, and now he's not here. I'm such an idiot that I forgot all about this date; Eli hasn't mentioned Julia in months," Adam said apologetically and I couldn't help but be a little surprised at that last remark. When Eli and I were dating, I knew that he talked about her to Adam a little more than he talked about her to me, but now apparently he didn't talk about her that much at all?

Lana got a look of shock on her face as she said, "Jesus, poor Eli," and at that exact moment I saw him walk in, much to my relief. He had his leather jacket on top of his uniform, something which was generally frowned upon during actual class time, but maybe he was cold – he was shivering a bit. As my eyes met his, I realized that he looked utterly devastated. His eyes were bloodshot and red, with prominent bags underneath, and he looked to be aged by approximately five years. That horrible tension that I hated so much was present in his entire body again, rendering it almost frozen in fear. I flashed him a warm smile in an attempt to comfort him from a distance – I wanted to tell him that I knew and just wrap him in a hug, but I just couldn't.

Mrs. Dawes looked up at him and she didn't even gently chastise him for being late like she usually did to tardy students and I have a strong suspicion this is because she saw how he looked. He passed her a note, probably from his parents excusing his tardiness, and she just said, "Very well, take a seat, Eli," and he did just that.

Mrs. Dawes lectured for about twenty minutes before dismissing us into partners. As always, Eli moved from his seat to join Lana, but this time his movements were much slower – it seemed like being here was taking so much effort on his part. As strange as it was, I immediately felt a sense of camaraderie between Adam and Lana and myself – we all knew why he looked like this, and we needed to pull him through it. _I don't want to walk away again_, I thought to myself as tears threatened to sting my eyes.

As Lana and him pushed their desks together, I saw her give him a small warm smile as she asked him, "Are you all right, Eli?" and he gave her a small smile in return and said, "Yeah, I'm fine. But I'm sorry – I wasn't really listening to what we are supposed to do," he added with a small grimace.

"That's okay, I'll explain it to you," she warmly said as she reached out to touch his arm, but he immediately recoiled and I could tell that he read Lana's expression of fear instantly as the little color that he had left in his face rapidly drained.

He looked absolutely destroyed as he rapidly shut his eyes tightly for a second and said, "No, I wasn't going to hurt you, really Lana, I swear – I'm really sorry, trust me, your touch just caught me by surprise. I'm so _so_ sorry," he said, starting to panic a little but then he took a deep breath and said, "This is a weird day for me, okay? There's something I should tell you," I heard him say, but she waved her hand to interrupt him and she softly advanced her hand slowly and this time she did successfully rest it on his arm.

She was behaving so perfectly, I thought, feeling just a little bit of sadness. She slowly said, "Eli, it's okay, Adam told me. I understand. We don't have to do this worksheet today, okay?" she offered, but he said, "No, no let's do it. I want to. That is…if you'll still want to be my partner after what you know now," he softly said, looking down at the ground the entire time.

I heard her say, "Eli, look at me. I am not, and will never, be scared of you," and he slowly listened to her as she continued, "You are _the best_ English partner in the world," and he gave her a small smile as they settled down to work on their sheet. Adam reached over and rubbed her back lovingly, obviously proud of the way in which she had handled that, and all I wanted to do was run away. Lana had just given me a total lesson in how to handle that situation so gracefully, and she didn't even know Eli nearly as well as I did.

But as a few more minutes passed, I saw that he was still upset, and when he got up, telling Lana he needed to go to the washroom, and I saw Adam follow him, I decided I didn't want to just stay there with her, so I walked out of the classroom too, only to remain frozen in the doorway as I could hear Adam and Eli talking outside.

"Eli, dude, I'm so sorry – I'm such a jerk, I didn't even realize –" but Eli interrupted him, telling him he was fine and that there would be many more April 22nds in our lives, and that he'd deal with them all. Hearing him say that brought tears to my eyes.

Adam continued, "It's the day you lost a person who was really important to you, dude, it's okay to feel sad," and I heard Eli respond, "_Two_, Adam. It's the day I lost _two _people that were really important to me – just across two different years," and I heard Adam sigh my name as he softly said, "_That's why_ you're this upset. It's also the day all of _that _happened with Clare last year," and I wished I could see Eli's expression but all I could hear was that he was starting to cry.

I wanted to go out into the hallway and hug and hold him, but I knew I had no right to do that. Eli was this devastated because this date also brought back the terrible memories of _that night_, and what I did to him, I realized, and tears flowed down my face as I felt someone place an arm on my shoulder. I turned around to see a sad-looking Lana, and she embraced me in a hug. I could tell that she was such a genuinely kind person; I could see why Adam liked her so much.

"Clare, the guys never told me anything, but I know something must have happened with you and Eli; it's obvious every time he looks at you," she said. "How bad could it be?" she softly asked.

"Bad, Lana, it was really bad," I told her, and I could hear my voice breaking.

She responded, "You should talk to him, you know. I think it might really help him. Whatever it is, just talk to him. Maybe not even about the issue, maybe just about something else. Eli's easy to talk to – just talk to him about books or movies or music. He's always really nice to me, and he did wonders in helping me get together with Adam, you know," she said.

Then she pulled out of our hug and what she said next surprised me, "And, Clare, I know we don't talk much, but where I come from, this is considered girl code and I'm not one to beat around the bush – you need to watch out for Jake. He's sure got his creepy eye all over the school," she added.

I was surprised, but not shocked. Jake…did have a wandering eye, I had noticed this earlier, and talked to him about it but he promised me that I was the only girl for him. I wasn't quite convinced at the time, but I shrugged it off, thinking that I was being really insecure because of what had happened with KC and Jenna. However, hearing it now from another girl, and especially from one who I knew I could trust – she had proven herself to me in her treatment of Adam – made it seem…all the more real. I decided I would need to have another talk with Jake soon.

"You're right, Lana. Thanks for telling me," I said, as we both settled down back into our seats. A few minutes later, Adam and Eli walked back in. Eli didn't look much better, but he sat down next to Lana and apologized for being gone so long, and then they resumed working on their sheet.

There were about five minutes left in class when Mrs. Dawes called me up to make my announcement about my Africa initiative. Yesterday I had asked her if I could do this during class today – I wanted to get the word out to as many people as possible – but she caught me a little off guard as in the tumultuous events of the last eighty minutes, I had honestly forgotten all about it. I almost jumped out of my seat as she called my name, but then I made my way to the front of the room. Eli was looking out the window and Adam and Lana were giving me encouraging smiles as I started.

"Hi everyone, I just have a quick announcement. Degrassi will be partnering with three orphanages in Kenya and sending them the necessary school supplies for the year. Principal Simpson and I are hoping you will all decide to be a part of this project – so please either bring school supply donations to the cafeteria afterschool all next week or on Saturday and Sunday afternoon as we're opening the school just for this. If you don't want to go out to do the shopping, you can purchase school supplies from some distributors we have actually coming to the cafeteria. Also, you will have the chance to send them a photo of yourself and write them a letter – it will work as pen-pal type of system. Thanks for your attention, everyone, and I hope to see you all participate in Project…um, Project…" – uh oh, I thought as I glanced down at my cue card; I had forgotten to fill in the name of the project because I never actually managed to come up with one! Now what? Not only was I going to make a fool out of myself in front of Mrs. Dawes and our entire English class, but I knew that if people didn't even have a project name to remember, they'd definitely not remember to take time out of their schedules and actually do this.

The silence in the class was haunting, but it was interrupted by an incredibly soft, absent minded whisper saying "Project Love," and I glanced in Eli's direction because I would recognize that voice from a million others any day. His eyes moved away from the window and widened as he realized he spoke out loud and he quickly said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I was just thinking out loud," and he looked so incredibly mortified.

_Project Love. _Why hadn't I thought of it before? I kept thinking of all these complicated names, when all this time the answer was staring me right in the face. This initiative was about exactly that – love; love from one kid to another across continents and oceans. "Love" would be easy for Darcy to translate for the kids on her end as well, and it wouldn't have a different connotation. Simple, but yet so meaningful. Oh, Eli.

I flashed him a big smile as I said, "No, that's it – that's perfect! Project Love. Please come out and support Project Love, everyone," I said one last time before taking my seat. I knew my face must have been as red as possible, not only because of my interaction with Eli, but also because the _entire time _of our little exchange, Mrs. Dawes was glancing at the both of us with a knowing smile on her face, as she slowly nodded her head in our direction.

**I would love to read your thoughts in a review!**


	9. Surprises

**Hi everyone! I really hope you are enjoying my story, and if you are (and even if you're not), please let me know or otherwise I'm flying blind and thinking no one is reading it!**

**This is Eli's final year and Clare's grade 11 year – the third part. This was one of my favorite chapters to write, I think it's sweet. **

**As always, a huge thank you to my lovely reviewers StalkerAngel, musiksnob, ilovetaylorswift13, hopelessRMTCx3, literarius-aquarius, xeneti, and my Degrassi buddy xStayWithMe!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real-world references I happen to make.**

**Jake's POV**

I was walking to my locker to grab my lunch when I saw Clare waiting for me in front of it. She had look of worry on her face and I didn't really like this. What now? Clare was always one for these talks that I didn't like so much. She was hot and smart so I liked her a lot, and dating her was easy because my dad practically pushed us together so I didn't even have to do much, and he never gave me a hard time about being out if I told him I was with her.

"Hey," I told her.

She didn't even greet me back, but her blue eyes met mine immediately as she said, "Jake, why do you like me?" and I couldn't help but groan. Another reason that I liked Clare so much was because she never asked these kinds of questions, and until now I was convinced she wasn't this kind of girl.

"Why are you asking me that?" I asked, opening my locker and wishing this conversation could just be over.

"If you can't tell me this, then I don't know what we're doing here, Jake," she said. Was that some kind of a _threat_? I decided the path of least resistance would be the best option here – I'll just give her what she wants.

"I like you because you are …perfect, Clare," and when I saw that didn't do it, I decided to pull out the big guns and said, "I love you, Clare," and I saw her eyes widen and she smiled. Maybe a bit uncomfortably? Well, at least that would stop her from steering further down this path.

"I…love you too, Jake," she said, and I didn't want her to keep pushing for more reasons why I liked her – or loved her, I guess – so I decided to change the subject quickly.

"There's actually something I've been meaning to talk to you about," I told her. "I was hoping you'd come with me on the graduation snowboarding trip," I said. This was a weekend trip to Mont Tremblant in Quebec the weekend after the graduation ceremony, and seeing how it was five and a half hours away since there weren't that many great places to board around Toronto, it was an overnight trip. I hoped she'd come, grads were allowed to bring guests even if they were in younger grades, they just had be Degrassi students - but I knew how she was with overnight trips and I could see the hesitation on her face, so I added, "We'll get a room with two beds, of course," and I saw her relax immediately. Awesome, she was gonna come.

"I'll think about it, okay?" she said, and I couldn't help but be a little disappointed. I thought for sure she'd say yes, but I shrugged it off and told her we should get to lunch. Once we got there, she kept talking about her Africa thing, so I decided to head out and play soccer for the last half hour of lunch. I felt a little bad to leave her alone, but it's always – and will always be - sports over girls. Besides, she had her friends. She could find something to do on her own.

**Clare's POV**

I had absolutely consumed with Project Love preparations this week and now I was going over the final plans with Principal Simpson in his office. He smiled and congratulated me on organizing it all so smoothly, and wished me luck, specifying that what I was doing was so amazing. After setting everything in place in the cafeteria, I made my way to English class. I wanted to thank Eli for coming up with that wonderful name for me…but that would mean approaching him for the first time since we broke up. I can't believe we went for over an actual year without talking, but when I think back to the sheer terror I felt that day, I remember all too well why things are the way they are.

I saw him enter the classroom and take his seat at the front of the room as he pulled out a book. I didn't want to interrupt him, and I was way more nervous than I thought I would be, so I chickened out and decided I would talk to him _after_ class. Yeah, I'll do it then.

Mrs. Dawes lectured for about half the class, and then gave us free time so we could work on our final essays. I saw Eli pull out a notebook and quietly start writing as Mrs. Dawes dropped off a stapled set of papers on his desk as she made her way to her own desk. I saw him look up at her questioningly, but she gestured for him to just read it, and as he glanced at it, he only appeared to be more confused. My curiosity was peaked, but I couldn't really see anything on the paper except for a small Canadian flag and the Ontario province logo. He obviously didn't know much about whatever it happened to be, because he had a confused look on his face as he flipped through the pages.

When the bell rang, I gathered my strength to go up and talk to him, but I saw that he was waiting to talk to Mrs. Dawes – probably about whatever she had placed on his desk. I had missed my chance, I realized, and then I made my way out of the room slowly.

**Eli's POV**

"Ms. Dawes, what is this?" I asked. The papers she left on my desk really confused me.

"It's a scholarship application, Eli, isn't that obvious?" she said, placing a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"It is, but why did you give it to _me_?" I asked her.

"Because I want you to fill it out, silly," she said, and I didn't know the best way to tell her what I was thinking.

I decided to just tell her what was going through my mind in the plainest terms. "Why me? This is a nation-wide program, Mrs. Dawes. This is the scholarship Holly J. got last year; we're not really…similar," I gently put it.

"You're right, Eli, you're not similar at first glance; Holly J. was really involved in politics – both in the school and in the community, but there's nothing on there that mentions a specific area of study. That scholarship is for students who do well academically and contribute to their community. Your grades are good; you excel in English – you've been published at the age of 17 already two times -, and judging by that Big Brothers grant application you asked me to review you are already doing things for your community in a capacity that exceeds your age. So you don't flaunt these things and are not as outgoing as Holly J., but that doesn't matter Eli. She had an interest in politics; she had to be that way. Writers aren't those types, usually. And actually, she couldn't even use her scholarship in the end, because as it comes from the government, it can be only applied if you go to a university within Canada. She still figures as a winner, but it's more of a title thing. Anyway, enough about her. I knew you wouldn't even think about applying, so that's why I took the liberty of printing that out for you. Now your job is to fill it out and send it in. Here is my letter of recommendation," she said as she handed me a sealed and signed envelope, "and as they ask for three, I also took the liberty of asking Principal Simpson and Miss Oh to write you one, and here are those," she said, passing me two more envelopes.

I was in complete shock. Mrs. Dawes sure was right in assuming I didn't think of myself as a scholarship winner, but this was one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me. She also knew I'd never be able to go to Principal Simpson or Miss Oh and ask them for a recommendation letter, so she even did that. I shakily said, "Principal Simpson wrote me one…after all the trouble I caused for him?" – I couldn't really believe that.

"You've stirred up your share of trouble up at the school, Eli, that's for sure," she said with a chuckle, "but Principal Simpson's letter was one of the most convincing letters of recommendation I've ever read, you know, and I've been reading them for about fifteen years now," she specified, and I was in awe.

She added, "Miss Oh's is good too, she talks about your interest in music – I figured that would be best left up to her, she's so young she connects with her students on that level better than any of us. The letter I wrote focuses on your writing and I made some projections about the impact I think you'll have on whatever university and career you choose," she said. "I think you have a real shot at winning here, Eli, and I hope you don't throw it away by diminishing yourself before you even start. You've made far too much progress for that," she added, shooting me a poignant look.

After hearing about all the work that all the teachers have already done for this, I knew what I had to do. "I won't, Miss Dawes," I assured her. "I'll do my best," and I saw my answer caused a huge smile to spread to her face.

"That's great, Eli, I was hoping you'd say that. Now don't be late to your next class," she said, but I didn't leave until after I said, "Thank you, Mrs. Dawes," looking her directly in the eye.

**Clare's POV**

The rest of the school day went by slowly and I went to the cafeteria one last time to check on all the materials for Project Love as it was running all this weekend. I really hoped we could get enough people to do this, but as I made my way home I couldn't help but be nervous.

My nervousness was somewhat calmed by Saturday – thirty people came and put together packages, and I knew as soon as the first people do it, the word would spread and more would come.

On Sunday afternoon Alli lead the project as I had to go to a church fundraiser with my mom, but my mom could tell I really wanted to be at school to run Project Love, so she decided we'd leave early and she dropped me off at school. I absolutely loved how my mom could read me so well at times.

Once I got to the cafeteria, I was pleased to see about twenty people putting together care packages under Alli's instructions. She had everything under control like I assumed she would, but I was surprised to see that for once, Alli wasn't the loudest person in the room. A little boy about six years of age was, as he was running around excitedly choosing things for the package he was putting together. I knew this little boy – and I knew his brother who was also there as well – and I couldn't help but tear up at the realization that Eli had brought Scotty and Dylan to put together care packages for kids at the Kenyan orphanages.

Eli picked up Scotty playfully, stopping his wild running around the cafeteria, and sat him down at a table and he was asking him what he would like to tell his buddy about himself as he was transcribing Scotty's thoughts onto the letter paper I had picked out last week. I saw Dylan was writing his own letter diligently and Eli smiled at him as he looked over his letter and told him it was fantastic. The vision in front of me was _exactly_ what my project was all about. It was _exactly_ why I have been going crazy trying to put everything together over the past week, and I realized it was worth _every _second of my time as I looked at the three boys together. I watched this sight frozen because I felt that any movement on my part would break this wonderful spell. And I never wanted it to end.

But end it did, thanks to Scotty himself; I saw a look of confusion cross his face when he saw me, and as I slowly approached them as Eli and Dylan were looking down at his letter, I saw his confusion transform into realization as he tugged on Eli's sleeve and practically shouted, "Eli, your pretty girlfriend is here". Eli looked up immediately and as he saw Scotty had been referring to me, I saw him blush about ten different shades of red – this was a first.

He got up from the table and shakily said, "Scotty, no – that's my beautiful _friend _Clare," and it warmed my heart to hear him call us at least friends, even if I knew he was only doing it for Scotty's sake, and…it was so nice to hear a compliment. He looked at me and said, "Sorry Clare, I swear I didn't tell him you were my girlfriend," but I was way too amused by the entire situation and by how utterly embarrassed Eli was to be the slightest bit irritated.

I giggled and said, "I believe you, don't worry about it," and I addressed the kids, "I _love _that you two came to make one of these packages. Thank you so much," and I saw Dylan was also blushing as he explained, "We wanted to see Eli's school, plus he said we should do this because we're lucky to live in a country where we don't have to worry about not having pencils and paper and books," and I responded, "Eli's completely right," flashing Eli a beaming smile.

His blush had subsided as he added, "I'm sorry, Clare. I heard you wouldn't be here today, and thought it was perfect timing as Sunday is our hanging out day; I thought this would be a good activity for Dylan and Scott to learn about, and I figured a few more care packages might help you meet your goal. But I never meant to break the promise that I made you." _This is what he was thinking about? _"Alli got mad at me and accused me of trying to see you…I still don't think she really believes me," he said with a small frown as he looked in her direction.

Seeing Eli with Dylan and Scotty again, realizing Eli had planned to work around my schedule so he wouldn't have to break his promise to me, hearing what he had told the kids about this project that meant so much to me…it was all too much. I stopped over-analyzing all my actions like I was in the habit of doing in Eli's presence for the past year and just followed my instincts. I moved closer to him and said "I _don't care_ what Alli says. I'm so happy you're here, and I _love_ that you brought the boys. Thank you, Eli," and I took a leap of faith and wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. I felt his body initially freeze up in shock, but after a few seconds I felt his arms softly wrap around my waist, and I realized just how much I had missed his gentle touch. I felt him hesitate, but I didn't want to pull away just yet – I could just feel the stress of my intense past week melting away- so I drew him a bit closer as I rested my head on his shoulder. _Don't let go of me, Eli_, I was thinking. And he didn't.

"Daddy says only mommies and daddies should hug like that," I heard Scotty say and I couldn't help but laugh out loud at his comment, and as Eli pulled away I saw his mad blush had returned.

He looked at Scotty with a smirk and said, "Daddy also says _someone's_ writing needs to improve - so why don't we work on you doing the last line of this letter in your own writing," he suggested, and his plan worked as Scotty became absorbed in the task.

I walked over to the opposite table of the table and started talking to Dylan about his letter, and unlike Eli whose face eventually returned to its normal color, Dylan's blush only became more pronounced as he was talking to me. These kids were really amazing, and it was clear as day that they completely adored Eli. I saw Eli chuckle over the sight of Dylan and I working together, and he reached for a nearby piece of paper and scribbled something on it. When he saw Dylan become absorbed in his own letter, he held up the paper so I could see it and I read his message: "He's got a huuuuge crush on you, Edwards. Take it easy on the poor kid," and I couldn't help but let out a tiny giggle. This was the most fun I had had in a very long time. I felt so…free. I even saw Alli smile at me approvingly, much to my surprise.

After the kids finished their packages and Eli and I made a couple ourselves, Scotty asked "Can Clare come to the park with us?" and Eli told me I'd be more than welcome to, and I really wanted to because they were just so fun to be around, but I…couldn't.

"I'd love to, but…I have plans to meet someone," I honestly responded.

Dylan overcame his shyness in that moment as he asked, "Is the boy we saw at the baseball game your boyfriend?" and I really wish he hadn't asked that. I didn't want to answer; it was just so embarrassing to admit it after the way Jake had behaved in front of them. But I couldn't just not answer him, so I just slowly nodded, "Yeah, he is," as I looked down to the floor.

And with that comment on my part, the spell was broken. It was like both of us just snapped back to reality. Eli took control of the situation and said, "Okay, guys, we've bothered Clare enough today, she's got other things to do," and despite his cheery tone, I could detect the underlying tone of sadness. We said our goodbyes and I couldn't help but regret such a bitter ending to such a wonderful moment of perfection.

**I would love to read your thoughts in a review!**


	10. End of the Road

**Hi everyone! I really hope you are enjoying my story, and if you are (and even if you're not), please let me know or otherwise I'm flying blind and thinking no one is reading it!**

**This is Eli's gr 12 year and Clare's gr 11 year – winding down, not quite the last part, but we do see the graduation ceremony in this chapter! This is also a nice long chapter where a lot of things happen. **

**I'd like to give a very special thank you to musiksnob and Stalker Angel for giving me such useful advice on the ropes of posting to ensure my story doesn't get lost in the mass of EClare stories on the site. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and I love your reviews! I will respond to them when the website cop-operates and actually lets me do that. **

**Many thanks also to my lovely reviewers musiksnob, StalkerAngel, ilovetaylorswift13, degrassiifann-jennifer, krazyqt392, and MartinaRR. There is nothing that makes me happier than hearing readers' thoughts!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Dr. Sadler's POV**

"Oh, I sure am going to miss you, Eli," I said, barely getting out the words in between laughter in response to his joke. In the past few weeks, Eli's sarcasm and funny comments have increased exponentially, just another sign that there really isn't much point for me keeping him on as a client. The beautiful flowers he bought me in honour of our last session together were resting in a vase on top of my desk and on top of my desk was also a beautiful leather bound journal that he bought me as a good-bye present. It really was the perfect present – I decided I would start using it for my next troubled teenage boy who desperately wishes to get well, hoping it will carry some of Eli's good will as a type of lucky charm.

"You know, Dr. Sadler, I never _ever_ thought I'd be saying this when I first was told I'd be seeing a therapist, but I'm going to miss you too – no offense intended, but I just didn't know much about therapists, and I still think I lucked out majorly by getting you," he said in a serious tone before taking a pause and looking directly in my eyes as he said, "You gave me my life back," and the sincerity in his tone was overwhelming.

I just had to tell him, "Oh, no, Eli – you did that yourself. And the great thing about you being officially hired as one of the Big Brothers grant writers for the summer after you got that April deadline grant you wrote is that you'll be working right in this building, so you'd better not become a stranger," I told him, "you'd better come by and we can have coffee and you can tell me all about your summer – off the clock, like co-workers, you know?" I asked, and he gave a smirk in return.

"Co-workers?" he repeated incredulously.

"Yeah, that's what we are now," I told him with a big smile that he returned. "And, by the way, I'm so pleased to hear the Canada Centennial Foundation called you for that scholarship phone interview; I know that's a really good sign you know. You've practically got it if they call you, I've heard – not to get your hopes up or anything," I said with a chuckle.

"Thanks, Dr. Sadler. We'll see what happens, although I graduate tonight, so I hope I do hear soon," he said.

"Eli, they always announce scholarships at the graduation ceremony, so I bet you'll hear tonight," I pointed out.

"Fantastic, now I get to live the next four hours in suspense," he said with a smirk, then he leaned his head at an angle as he said, widening his eyes in a humorous expression, "Maybe I'll just use all my coping techniques at once," and I couldn't help but laugh out loud again. Eli would never be completely cured because there really isn't such a thing – losing someone you love when you are only 14 and feeling responsible for their death, and then also feeling like the people you love don't reciprocate that feeling will change a person forever – but he sure was well-adjusted now. He will be one of the clients I will be telling my students about when I teach my class next semester, modified name and details, of course. He will probably be one of the clients I will remember all of my life, I reflected as he walked out of my office as a patient for the last time. The next time he'd be in here he would be a co-worker and friend, I thought, feeling a large smile spread across my face.

**Clare's POV**

I slipped my small heels onto my feet and took one last look in the mirror at my baby blue dress and beige cardigan. I wanted to look nice for Jake's graduation; everyone would be there, including his dad. I have never been to one of the graduation ceremonies at Degrassi, but every year on this date there is such a buzz at the school, and I never admire the seniors as much as I do on this day. They are all…just shining with excitement. I think of all of them being just days away from heading off at different universities and different cities, and even countries all around the world and I can't help but imagine what all of us in my grade will be thinking and how we will be feeling at this time next year.

My mind betrayed me for a second as I got a flashback of sitting on Morty's hood with Eli, imagining both of our graduation days with such excitement. Now he'd be graduating today and I wouldn't even be sitting with his parents, and Adam and I wouldn't be throwing him that party that I had described to him in such detail, and he definitely wouldn't be coming back next year to my graduation, and I had no idea what he was planning on doing for college. So much can change in so little time, I thought bitterly.

When I would come back to Degrassi in September…he'd be gone. If I thought the rift between us now was massive, I knew that the minute he stepped foot onto whatever college campus he'd be going to, any chance of us being friends again was done. It would be too late. It was too late even today, I thought – trying to get back to the bond we had in that moment of imagining our futures would be like trying to pour raindrops into a cloud. I snapped out of it, and thought about my feelings in regard to the fact that Jake would be gone next year as well. We still haven't had the talk about how that's going to affect our relationship, I thought a little angrily. Every time I tried to turn the conversation to it, he would just tell me he didn't want to talk about it now.

I thought my dress looked nice, but I really wanted a second opinion on the way it fit – but I was too scared to ask my mom due to her reaction last time I started asking her about my outfit. I briefly wondered what Bianca would be wearing – probably a really nice sleek dress. Do I have anything…silkier in my closet? Maybe Darcy does! I rushed up to her room and tried not to let the memories of the times we would play in here flood my mind. After a brief scan through Darcy's clothes, I found the perfect black satin dress. I put it on and I thought it looked great…a bit on the short side though.

I headed downstairs and my mom came out of the kitchen and took one look at me before saying, "Clare, where did you get that dress? I don't remember buying it," she specified.

"I actually got it from Darcy's closet, mom," I answered, as I tried to read the expression on her face.

"Oh, of course," she said, as a look of realization crossed her face, "I remember it now. Clare, it's a little short. I know you want to look nice for Jake's graduation, but isn't that more of a formal event?" she pointed out.

I could feel tears stinging my eyes. Why can't I ever get anything right? I've been trying so hard – I don't want to fail at another relationship – but nothing seems to be working. Everything I've been doing lately is just…wrong. My mom must have been able to tell something was wrong as she said, "Sweetheart, there's something you're not telling me, you know. I really wish you could tell me what's changed," and her eyes gave me a really pleading look.

"Nothing, mom," I told her. "I just want to look nice at his graduation, that's it."

"And you want to look nice when you go to his house, and out to the movies – and that's normal, all girls feel that way. But Clare, this…insecurity never happened before, you know. Did a girl at school say something to you? I know how girls can be," she warmly said.

"No, mom, it's not a girl," I honestly answered. "You know that Jake's a year older than me, mom, and I just want to look as nice as the grade 12 girls," I specified.

"They have a different style?" my mom intelligently asked.

"I don't know, mom, I just…you don't think I should wear this dress?" I said uncomfortably. Now I didn't even feel like going to the stupid ceremony at all, but I had promised him I would be there.

"You have so many beautiful dresses of your own, darling. Why not choose one of those?" she asked, and I felt like blurting out 'Because Jake doesn't like _any_ of those!' but I couldn't tell her that, it would only lead to more questions, so I just stubbornly said, "No, I want to wear this one," and I saw my mom shake her head a bit.

"All right, all right, there's something us girls can do to make a short dress more appropriate for formal events – wear it with black pantyhose, please," she said, "I'll go get you a pair right now," and a few minutes she returned from her room and held it out to me.

"Thank you, mommy," I said, feeling like a rather immature little girl about the whole little episode I just put on.

"You're welcome love. Are you meeting Jake at school?" she asked.

"Yes, the grads had to be there earlier because they needed to do a rehearsal," I explained and she nodded in response. "I think we might go out after," I reminded her.

"Just remember your curfew. And call me if Jake can't drive you back, remember – and I mean it Clare. I don't want you walking around on your own after dark," she said with a stern look, and I assured her I would before I stepped out of the front door.

I got to Degrassi quickly and the buzz in the air was contagious. There were grade 12s in their gowns and hats everywhere, running around excitedly taking photos with their friends and parents. But I couldn't find Jake anywhere. I saw Eli taking a photo of Adam and Lana and my heart skipped a beat when I saw him in his grad gown and cap. _He really was leaving. This was his last day at Degrassi. _And there was something different about him; he was smiling and laughing with Adam and Lana; she was now taking a photo of the two of them, and then a girl took a photo of all three of them. It seemed a little unbelievable to me that I wouldn't even have one picture with Eli in his grad gown. Lana was beaming; her hair was in a half ponytail and it seemed to be attracting every sun ray. Adam only had eyes for her, and I wondered what they were going to do as she would be heading off to college and he still had one year of school left at Degrassi.

My glance focused on Eli again, and I was trying to identify why he looked so different – his hair was just a bit shorter, obviously he had gotten a haircut, but it was barely discernable, I realized. It was the fact that he looked so…free. He must be happy that this is his last day of school here, I thought; after all this was the place where he'd almost gotten stabbed and after everything happened with us last year, and I saw how more closed-off he became after it all. I knew he was going to therapy and occupying his time, but sometimes when I would catch glimpses of him in the hallway, it all seemed to be like a very conscious effort on his part. I knew he was trying really hard to get better, keeping himself busy while never breaking his promise to me, but the Eli that I saw today was…genuinely free. Free because he was almost out of here, and I'd probably never see him again. I could feel a tear flowing down my face, and I didn't want to ruin my make-up and I knew I couldn't be here a second longer, so I ran inside the school and headed towards the gym. I'll just find Jake after the ceremony if he is too much of a fool to wait for me outside the school, I thought angrily.

As I headed towards the girls' washroom, I instantly saw Eli's parents giggling together close by. His dad was wearing black dress pants and a grey dress shirt under his leather jacket, while his mom had on a very pretty navy dress. It had been so long since I'd seen them, and I was afraid that the sight of his dad would bring back the horrible memories of that night in the hospital, but the way they were laughing together as Bullfrog intertwined his hand with Cece's only made me think of how happy they would always be to see me. I couldn't help but overhear their conversation.

"I'm just so happy to see him so stable and happy on his graduation date, Bullfrog. I was so scared for so long there," she said, and the laughter that surrounded them immediately ceased as her voice broke. Her husband got a look on his face that was so incredibly similar to the one I had seen so many times on Eli's face as he wrapped her up in a hug in the same manner that Eli always comforted me.

"He's better now, love, don't be scared anymore. And I'm glad he's finally getting out of this school, you know. Maybe he'll finally be able to move on, now, when he goes to college. He'll meet new people and he won't see her every day," he softly said, as I felt my heart sink. There is no way they could be talking about anybody else. I was the only girl Eli had dated at the school, and there's no way that sentence could apply to Julia. _Eli still has feelings for me?_

As Cece pulled away from her husband's embrace, I decided to keep walking and as I came into her gaze I was a little worried about what her reaction to seeing me would be. Bullfrog's as well. They had every reason to hate me. But then my eyes met Cece's, and I saw nothing but the usual warmth and love I always found in them.

"Hi, Clare," she said sweetly, but a little uncomfortably, and her husband added, "Long time no see, Clarabelle. How are you?"

"I'm doing well, thank you. How are you?" I responded.

"Still trying to process the fact that I'm old enough to have a kid who is graduating high school," Bullfrog said with a laugh.

Cece laughed in response, and she softly added, "It's good to see you, sweetheart. You know," she continued, taking a small pause, "I wanted to check on how you were doing after everything, but…I just couldn't bring myself to ask Eli about you, love. It would hurt him too much," she sighed, and I could feel my eyes stinging. _It would hurt him too much?_

Bullfrog shifted a little uncomfortably as he tried to change the subject, "So, Clarabelle, I know you're a smart one, but graduating an entire year early? That's impressive!" he exclaimed, and I understood his confusion.

"Oh no, I'm not graduating today, I'm just here to watch my…my… -" I faltered; this was so awkward, how was I supposed to tell them reason why I'm here?

I didn't have to be the one to tell them, though, as right in that moment I saw Jake come up to us, and he added, "her wonderful boyfriend of a little over a year – who is finally _out of this dump!_" he said, imitating a head banger as he finished his sentence.

"You ready, babe? Who are these guys?" he rudely asked, as he glanced as Eli's parents, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Not only did Jake appear to be a little off - what was up with him? – but he also managed to mention that we'd been dating for over a year, so now Eli's parents would get that lovely bit of timeline detail as well.

He slung his arm sloppily around my shoulder as he looked me up and down, making me wish I had listened to my mom and gone with the other dress. "Damn, that's a HOT dress Clare," he added, trailing his hand down my side and I couldn't believe this was happening.

I heard Bullfrog clear his throat uncomfortably and I saw Cece raise her eyebrows questioningly and nod in understanding as she answered, "We are just friends of Clare's, we met last year. We have to be off though, so see you later. Nice to meet you…" she trailed off as Jake almost yelled, "Jake Martin. Queens bound soccer star," and I could feel my face blazing in embarrassment. I guess he made the soccer team at Queens, which was in Kingston. About 2-3 hours away from Toronto. But did he have to be so…flamboyant about it?

Bullfrog took his wife's hand and said they have to go find their seats, but Cece said she had to go to the washroom, and she motioned with her eyes for me to follow her, so I wished Jake good luck and told him I'd see him after the ceremony was over as he gave me the goofiest grin I'd ever seen in a response.

I was confused about why Cece had asked me to follow her here, but she made it very clear as soon as we walked in.

"Clare, that boy is wasted. I'm assuming he just heard about his school and he decided to celebrate, but that's why he's acting like that. He's drunk," she deadpanned. "So just be careful if you're going anywhere with him tonight – he's in no state to drive anywhere, so make sure you have your own ride. If you need one, do you still have my home number?" she asked, and my heart swelled with love for her in that moment. _This_ is why she asked me to follow her in here.

"I do, Cece. Thank you, but I don't think I'll be bothering you – my mom is driving me tonight," but I felt like that wasn't enough, so I added, "I'm sorry," looking down at the ground.

Cece lightly touched my arm and said, "Look at me. You have nothing to be sorry about. Just be careful tonight, Clare," she said before walking out of the washroom.

A few moments after she left I went into the auditorium myself and found Jake's dad and sat beside him. The ceremony started with a speech from Principal Simpson and the valedictorian's speech, and then the long list of names started. I was daydreaming but I snapped myself out of it when Principal Simpson approached the letter F. The graduating students were all seated on the stage and as Simpson would call their name they would walk over to the centre of the stage where he would pass them their diploma and they would switch their tassel to the other side. As they were walking, Principal Simpson would announce their plans for next year.

And just like that, in a few moments, it happened. The moment we spent months imagining together just went by in a flash. Simpson called his name, Eli walked across the stage and grabbed his diploma and moved his tassel to the other side of his hat as a loud cheer could be heard from Adam in the audience, and another one from Lana on the stage. Because _they_ had the right to cheer for him. _They _stood by him. I also heard a whistle from Bullfrog and I heard Cece giggle in response as Eli shot them a playful glare from the stage. I wanted everyone to be quiet though, so I could hear where he would be going next year.

Principal Simpson had a huge smile on his face as he said, "Eli will be going to the University of Toronto in the fall, and I'm also pleased to announce that tonight he is also the recipient of the provincial Canada Centennial Foundation scholarship. Congratulations, Eli," he said, as Eli had to make his way back to the centre of the stage so Principal Simpson could hand him a separate envelope. I saw the two of them shake hands as I felt a bitter sweet feeling over take me. Eli had won a major scholarship – the one Holly J. had one last year but couldn't actually use because she opted to go to university outside of Canada – so I was so incredibly happy for him because he definitely deserved it. But I also felt a wave of sadness overtake me; I would have liked to celebrate this moment with him, not just simply know it took place because I happened to be here to watch Jake graduate.

Which he did. Principal Simpson announced he would be joining Queen's university as a student athlete on the soccer team, news which was met with many cheers from the girls on Power Squad and "Go Gaels!" from a few of the boys on the soccer team. I figured that must be the university's mascot or something. His dad looked very proud, and I instantly felt a bit guilty for being so mad at Jake. The effects of whatever he had been drinking seemed to have worn off – he walked in a straight line across the stage. I'm happy for him, I told myself.

By the time all of the names had been called, I was totally exhausted. As the grads mingled amongst themselves, I watched Eli hand a bouquet of flowers to Mrs. Dawes and he also handed her a present. She smiled at him and then gave him a hug. I couldn't help but giggle as I saw that he was a little uncomfortable, but I heard her tell him how proud she was of him and that he shouldn't have gotten her anything. She opened her present and I saw that he had gotten her a beautiful edition of all the novels ever written by Lucy Maud Montgomery, Mrs. Dawes's favorite writer. She looked absolutely delighted to see it, but the smile on Eli's face as he saw her reaction was even bigger. It was all such a beautiful sight, but I couldn't bear it anymore, it was too much. He'd be leaving soon and I'd never see him again.

I quickly went outside and met Jake outside the theatre, and I congratulated him on making the Queen's soccer team. He gave me a warm smile and a kiss in return. We made our way to Little Miss Steaks with Drew and Bianca and few other boys from the soccer team and their girlfriends, and at the end of the night I was happy to see that Drew told Jake he was taking me and him home. I had to text my mom to let her know I would be a little later than my curfew; everyone was having such a good time at Little Miss Steaks that Jake said he didn't want to go yet, and I was dependant on Drew's ride. Once I got home though, I explained everything to my mom and she seemed to understand, so I hoped everything would be okay.

As I changed into my pyjamas and got ready for bed, I felt all of the emotions of the day overwhelm me and I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my iPOD and put on my Taylor Swift playlist and I let the tears overcome me. I wasn't even sure why I was crying anymore, but when I got a text message from Jake saying that he had forgotten to get my verdict on whether or not I was coming on the snowboard trip I didn't even think twice before I typed out, "I'm not. You have fun," and turned my phone off for the night.

**Eli's POV**

I went downstairs only to be happily surprised by the fact that my mom had made me chocolate chip pancakes, and to be even more surprised by the fact that my dad was at home! Seeing how his main project at the radio station was the morning show, he would always be out of the house by 3am. What was going on?

"Dad? What's going on, you're still here?" I asked, hoping nothing was wrong.

"Took the day off," he said with a smile. "Your mom and I wanted to hang out with you today, if that's cool," he said, and I nodded. That would be fun, but I had the feeling there was more to it than just that.

My mom handed me a plate of pancakes and a glass of orange juice as she said, "Eli, we're so proud of you, you know. You've had such a great past year, and hearing about that scholarship was such a nice surprise," she said, as she came out from behind the counter and kissed my forehead. I gave her a smirk in return as she continued, "I think we're the proudest parents on earth today, Eli," she continued, and I saw tears in her eyes.

"Mom, don't cry," I told her, "I'm going to U of T; it's so close by," I pointed out. I was sure I'd chosen the right school for me; knowing that my scholarship was only applicable to universities in Canada solidified my choice; U of T was the best school in the country and their English Lit program was very well recognized. I'd live in residence but I'd be able to come home on the weekends or whenever I felt like it really. It seemed a little surreal to me that I'd be heading off to university so soon – I'd spent months imagining these moments with Clare by my side, and now that they were happening, as happy as they might be, I just couldn't seem to push the memories of her and I sitting on Morty's hood planning and joking about these moments.

"I know you'll be close by, baby boy, but still – I'll miss you," she said, and I gave her a smile in return.

"We still have an entire summer before I leave," I added, hoping this would be soothing news for her.

My dad sat down next to me as he said, "That's right, there's still an entire summer, and lots of things to do. Your mom isn't the only one who's proud of you, kid. I didn't know anything about this scholarship deal," he added as I explained, "I didn't say anything about it because I just didn't think I'd get it, Mrs. Dawes is the one who encouraged me to apply in the first place".

"Did she like her present?" my mom interrupted.

"Yeah, she loved it, just as I thought she would, really. Anyway, she kind of wrote me a letter and everything so I didn't want to not apply and let her down, and it turns out that for some reason the guys on the scholarship committee must have had something put into their water that day or something, because they chose _me_," I explained.

"Eli –" my mom warned me, as I chuckled in response.

My dad looked at me and said, "Why didn't you go out celebrating with Adam and Lana last night?"

"I don't know, they asked me to go with them, but I just wanted to give them some one on one time, you know?' I answered, not adding that sometimes being around Adam and Lana only made me miss Clare even more.

My dad slowly nodded, looking a little unconvinced and declared "Boy, it's true – youth is wasted on the young. Anyway, Eli, your mom and I were thinking and there's a place we want to go to today".

I knew they were up to something. "Where?" I asked.

"It's time, son," he said, but this only confused me more. I had already been to visit Julia on the anniversary of the 22nd, and I didn't want to go back there. I didn't need to go back to that place if I wanted to think about her, that place didn't mean Julia to me. Her favorite stores and hang-out spots around the city meant Julia, not…a cemetery.

"Time for what?" I pursued.

My dad grinned and said, "Time for you to finally get another ride!" as my mom giggled.

"Seriously?" I asked, raising my eyebrow. "But I should wait until after the summer, I'll have more money then and I can get a better one," I specified, trying to use this logic to bring my excitement down. It…kind of worked?

"Screw waiting for that," my dad eloquently said. "What's the point in being free in the summer before you go to college if you don't have a car to go anywhere? And, Eli, your mom and I haven't been total dead beat parents you know; we've been saving for your college and now that your scholarship is even renewable every year, we thought we can put a little bit of the money we've put aside towards helping you with a car. We'd like to help you get a decent one, you'll need it next year,' and I couldn't believe this.

"Seriously?" I repeated, at the risk of sounding like a robot.

"Yes, seriously, baby boy," my mom said with a huge smile, "so finish up your breakfast already so we can go!" and I stood up to hug both of my parents. This was an unbelievable surprise, and _oh man,_ did I ever miss having a car and the freedom it brought.

Both of my parents came with me to the dealership – cars were not my mom's thing at all, but she said she wanted to be there too, just to see the look on my face when I find the right one. One thing was for sure – Morty couldn't ever be replaced, so I wouldn't be getting another hearse. I flinched as an echo of "I _hate _the hearse!" ran through my mind. There was an old black Lincoln that would do, so I told my dad that's probably the best choice, and he agreed but said we should keep looking around.

"What do you think of this one, Eli," he said, gesturing towards a _really nice_ and really sleek black urban Jeep. It was only gently used and it looked really cool.

"Um, it's freaking awesome, but I think I'll have enough money for that maybe _after_ college," I honestly answered.

"Boy, were you not listening to what you and your mother were telling you this morning?" my dad shot back playfully. _He can't be serious. _

He approached the salesman and told him we'd be taking the Jeep for a test drive. I couldn't help but only be able to get one word out, "Seriously?" I asked.

My dad laughed and said, "And you're supposed to be the writer? Oy, better cash that scholarship cheque _now_," and I punched his shoulder in response.

**Adam's POV**

I could hear my phone vibrating in my pocket and I was happy to see Eli's name flash across my screen – I was a little worried that he would just be bumming around by himself, he didn't even want to come out with Lana and I last night to celebrate their graduation. I was very familiar with feeling like a fifth wheel, and Eli had been amazing about giving Lana and I time to hang out alone, but I know it's because the sight of us together makes him miss Clare even more. He hasn't told me so, but it's quite obvious, and I don't know what to do about it. I've been careful to not let the amount of guys' nights that we've been having slip, but I want us all three to hang out more this summer.

"What's up, dude?" I said as I picked up the phone.

"You'll just have to see, Adam," he countered, and I could tell he was really excited about something. "Are you busy? Can you be outside your place in 15 minutes? And then we can go pick up Lana if she's free?" and I decided to just go along; I knew how Eli was when he got so into one of his plans.

"Done and done, dude. But what's up?" I insisted.

"You'll just have to wait and see. Patience, grasshopper," he said, as I rolled my eyes.

Fifteen minutes later I almost had a heart attack. Eli's new ride was so epic – it was a black Jeep, but not one of those intense ones that look like they should be in the jungle, but one that looked made for the city. When I described it this way, Eli chuckled and said, "That's why it's called 'urban,' genius".

Lana jumped up and down for about ten seconds straight when we she saw it.

"It's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!" she said, placing both of her outstretched arms on the car in a hug-like gesture.

Eli laughed and said, "Well, I'm glad you like it, because you _both_ have to learn how to drive this summer if Lana is gonna's be borrowing it when we're at school next year to visit you, Adam. And a lady can't do all the driving, so you have to learn too, Adam. You see, I refuse to be your chauffeur for every little clandestine date, guys," he added, pretending to be genuinely mad but breaking out in laughter soon.

"No way!" Lana said with a huge smile on her face and Eli and I bumped fists. I was glad to see he was on board with the whole dating-while-at-different-schools plan that Lana and I agreed on. It wasn't even much of a discussion, as she pointed out that we'll be in the same city and it would be really silly to break up over something like that, and I can still remember how relieved I was when she said that, because I felt the same way.

We went for a ride around town just for kicks and after we dropped Lana off Eli asked me to come over and I accepted. We were now playing video games in his room and I decided to tackle a topic with Eli that I hoped he'd be open to.

"Eli, man, please change your mind – come on the grad snowboarding trip," I pleaded. "You see, Lana wanted to go after all, and I promised her I would come too," I explained.

"And the reason I would want to go on an overnight trip with you two lovebirds is because…." He asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"Don't be an idiot, it's not like that – I'd be bunking with you, obviously. It'll be fun Eli, come on, it's _your _grad trip after all," I pointed out.

"Adam, I already told you – it's not exactly my style – " he started, but I was getting fed up with his excuses so I just blurted out, "She's not coming, Eli. I had Drew ask Jake all right? Clare's not coming, you won't have to live in fear of her every little move if you come. Don't you get it – she won't be there! Goddamn it, it's been over a year, maybe it's time you try to finally meet someone new! Clare. Is. Not. Coming. So you don't have to worry about your stupid promise obsession," and as soon as I said that, I immediately regretted it. I knew I had gone too far.

Eli put his controller down and gave me a shuddering cold stare as he softly said, "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe not every little decision I make has to do with Clare anymore," and I was instantly plagued by guilt. I couldn't believe what a bad friend I was being.

Eli had been there so much for me since we first became friends, and he was so patient and supportive of my relationship with Lana and this is how I repay him. I know he didn't want it pointed out that he was still so hung up on Clare. I had been pretending not to notice, but now I just threw all of that in his face, and I even told him to find someone new, _and_ I managed to call him obsessed as well. I'm not sure it gets any worse than that.

"Eli, dude – I didn't mean it like that, I swear," I began, but the damage had already been done. I was surprised to see tears forming in his eyes – there were very few times when he let me see him cry, and as he turned around he whispered "I think you should go now".

I wanted to apologize so badly, I wanted to tell him all the right words, but nothing came to me, and he was only getting more distraught, so I respected his request and I left.

**Lana's POV**

"Oh, Adam, you didn't," I softly sighed. "He must be devastated," I pointed out, and Adam nodded in response.

"What do we do?" I heard him ask in a panic.

"I don't know, I don't know, but this is bad, Adam. We have to go see him," I resolutely said. "We not going on any ski and snowboarding trip with Eli feeling this way," I said, and Adam responded "Of course, I don't want to anymore, but I don't think he'll want to see me".

"Ugh, well, that's too bad. We have to fix this. Eli can't lose you as a friend too, Adam, not after everything. Not because of a stupid thing like this," I pointed out. "Come on, let's go, let's go, get your jacket," I said, shoving him halfway out the door.

Once we got to Eli's house, his mom opened the door and gave us a sad smile. I decided to take control of the situation and I apologized to her for coming over unannounced but told her that we had an issue to solve.

"Adam, stay down here on the couch while I talk to him. I'm coming back for you in a few minutes," I instructed.

I headed up the stairs and I knocked on Eli's door. There was no answer, but I wasn't about to walk into a guy's room without any notice and I had never been in there before, so I just said, "Eli, it's Lana. Can I come in?" but instead of giving me an answer, he came to the door himself and motioned for me to come in.

I sat there in silence for a minute and Eli said, "You didn't have to come. I'm fine. Adam was right. I got mad at him because that's what I do – I hurt everyone I love. That's why Julia died and that's why Clare left me, and eventually that's why you and Adam will no longer be friends with me one day. And it looks like that day might be today," he said with a frown.

"What are you talking about, Eli?" I asked him. "I don't know anything about Julia, and very little about Clare, but I'll be damned if anyone tries to tell _me_ how I feel – and that's ridiculous. Eli, friends fight sometimes, so what? We all say things we don't mean when we're angry. Adam ran to my house in a panic, wanting to make things right – he wants nothing more than to be your friend. But he can't do that if you push him away," I pointed out, and I saw Eli slowly nod.

"Adam doesn't deserve a stupid friend like me," Eli said.

"This is ridiculous, Eli, you're the best friend anyone can ask for, but I'm about to seriously punch you if that's what it takes for you to realize that you need to stop assuming things about the way he feels," I told him.

I noticed a photo album on his bed and I moved towards it. "What's this?" I asked, and I as studied the page that it was open to, Eli said, "Nothing, nothing," but it was too late.

"That's you and Adam and Clare," I pointed out. "Why is she shooting herself?" I asked.

I heard Adam slowly walk into the room as he said, "She was Juliet; she's killing herself. That project was the first time I felt like I really belonged within a group of friends," and Eli moved a little further down his bed to make room for Adam to sit, much to my delight.

I guessed, "This was last year, no?" and Eli slowly nodded as he said, "You were right, Adam. I'm sorry. I tried, you know; I did everything I could come up with; I cleaned my room, I saw a therapist, I tried to keep all my hours busy, but…I can't get her out of my mind. I just…can't help the way I feel," and he laughed a little bitterly before continuing, "But you know why I got so mad? Because for the first time in a long time yesterday and today, I felt…free. I'm free from Degrassi now, I got into the college I really wanted to go to, and driving around with you guys today, I just felt like…maybe it was finally time for a new start, you know? Like maybe I could finally do it. But then after I heard you say those things, I realized, that feeling won't ever be the norm; it will only ever be a pleasant exception," he trailed off.

I didn't like the spiral that he was going down so I told him, "You don't know that, Eli. How can you know that?" but he didn't answer me.

Adam spoke up, "Eli, I am so sorry. I didn't even mean all those things I said back there. I am just such an idiot sometimes, if anyone doesn't deserve a friendship here, it's me," and Eli countered, "No, don't you get it? It's my fault. It's always my fault".

You gotta be kidding me, I thought, with a roll of my eyes. This was getting to be too much for me so I stood up from the bed and said, "My God, look at the old married couple bicker. It's me, no, it's me – jeez, come on guys, just admit it – you were both wrong and let's find something fun to do," and to my relative surprise both guys broke out in laughter.

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I have to pack for the boarding trip," Eli said, raising his eyebrows as Adam gave him a high five and I flashed him a smile.

"Atta boy, Eli," I said, and informed him Adam can help him with that – I didn't feel the need to touch all of Eli's personal attire – as I made my way home.

**Clare's POV**

I knew they would do this. Even for the five minutes that they cross each other's paths, they can't be civil to each other.

"Well, you'd better not have the audacity to have that woman around my daughter," I could distinctly hear my mother yelling, and I froze. _What woman? Please, Daddy, no_. I couldn't handle that. I barely made it through this divorce, but I couldn't handle _that_. I turned up my music to its maximum volume, trying to block out the fact that in a moment of weakness I went through every single little thing in my Eli box and decided to pull out the headphones for good. I was thankful for that decision in this moment, as I felt that my whole world would end if my Dad would walk in here and tell me he had a _girlfriend_ – the word sounded so foreign and out of place when attached to the image of my dad.

I could feel my phone vibrate; it was Jake.

"Baby, last bus is leaving in half an hour – please come," he pleaded.

This was just the escape I needed right now, so I told him, "Don't let it leave without me".

"Interesting…you'll make it worth my while?" he asked.

"Anything you want," I responded as I hung up the phone and started stuffing clothes into an overnight bag.

Ten minutes later I made my way down to the living room and my mom and dad miraculously stopped their screaming as they saw me come down.

"I'm going on the ski trip, I'll be back around 5pm tomorrow, _if_ anyone cares," I yelled at them.

"Woah, wait up, Clare, since when did you change your mind? Who are you going with?" my mom asked.

"With Jake, obviously," I responded.

My dad stepped in, "_Just _with him, Clare? _Overnight_?"

"And about the seventy other Degrassi students all staying at the same lodge. And I'm not going to sleep with him, dad. I'm leaving, see you Sunday," I yelled even louder and slammed the door on my way out.

**Eli's POV**

My mom softly knocked on my door before coming in, bringing me a cup filled with coffee.

"Baby boy, I'm glad you decided to go. You should experience all these fun school things while you still can, you know," and I gave her a small smile in return.

She continued, "Eli, the reason why you didn't want to go in the first place – was it because you were scared of the nightmare problem?" she asked, and I slowly nodded in response.

"How long ago was your last one?" she asked.

"Night of graduation," I told her.

"So just last night?" she pointed out and I shrugged my shoulders.

"It's just Adam and me in a room, though, mom. I didn't know we'd have the option of choosing people. He knows about them and he told me it's not a problem – and I believe him – he kind of wants me there so he can have access to 24/7 Lana advice," I said with a laugh.

"Oh okay, well if it's just you and Adam, then there's nothing to worry about, love. And you might not even get them," she said with a smile before checking with me that I had everything I needed.

My dad also came in and he said "Eli, why don't you drive your Jeep up there, that way if you want to come back at any point, you'll have the freedom of that option," and I agreed.

That was a good plan, as I was already running a little late. I called Adam and Lana and they said they'd much rather ride with me than go on the bus, and I actually began to feel really excited about this whole trip. And I could have a good five hours of driving too – I really missed the feel of a steering wheel.

**I would love hear your thoughts in a review! A lot happened this chapter….any predictions?**


	11. Rose Colored Glasses

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews, nothing makes me happier than to hear your thoughts and I really do hope your share them with me. **

**It's ski trip chapter! Part 1, but I will put up the second part in a few hours. I am an impatient person when it comes to reading/tv episodes, etc, so I don't like that feeling. I hope I don't disappoint with this chapter or the next. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Clare's POV**

I really wasn't very good at this whole snowboarding thing; dad had taught me and Darcy had to ski when we went on a trip to Maine, but this was my first time snowboarding. Jake taught me the basic hang of it, but he was _much much _better than me and I could tell he was getting really impatient at having to be on the small hills just to be with me, so I told him he could go ahead and join Drew and his other soccer friends on the more extreme rides. That was five hours ago, and now the mountain is shutting down for the night. I really wish Alli would have come as well, but it was a trip for grads only and other grades were only allowed if they came as a graduating student's guests. The extreme section was very far, and I didn't feel like going all the way over there just to find Jake, so I returned all of my equipment and just waited for him in the lobby of the lodge.

I saw him coming with Drew and Bianca, and as he saw me he ran over to me and picked me up and twirled me a little as he kissed me.

"There, you are, baby, I missed you so much! Did you have fun?" he asked me, as I noticed his cheeks were flushed and he was breathing heavily.

"I did," I lied, "but I'm really kind of tired now," I whined, and I saw Drew wink at Jake. What? Ugh, I didn't mean it like that, but Drew obviously didn't know that as said, "All right, Bee, we'd better let these guys go," and I frowned in response at Drew's general attitude.

Jake grabbed my hand and as soon as we entered the elevator and the doors closed, he flashed me a slow smile as he placed his hands around my waist and began kissing me a little aggressively.

**Eli's POV**

Mont Tremblant was a good place to ski and board; I can see now why the planning committee chose this place despite how far away it was from Toronto – it was kind of epic, especially the extreme rides. A couple of times I almost bumped into idiot Jake, and I know that was less of an accident and more so intentional on his part, and he even said some kind of snide comment to Lana at one point, but the girl walked right up to him and slapped him, muttering something about how California girls don't stand for that crap. I saw Adam give her a huge grin and I high fived her for that later.

We came up to the lodge a little early, and it's a little embarrassing that that was because Adam and I were the ones getting tired, especially how this was Lana's first time ever snowboarding. We both knew she used to surf quite a lot back in California, and the minute she got on her board, it was like she knew instinctively exactly what to do. She totally ripped it up and down the mountain, causing Adam to look at her in awe and to beam with pride. She was even better than all the guys that played sports, which is probably what caused Jake's attention to turn towards her, but his little plan sure didn't work. It was disgusting that just because Clare wasn't here, he felt the coast was clear to do that. Part of wondered if he somehow got lost up here – would a search and rescue crew find him during the night or would he freeze to death? Because that's kind of what he deserves – the more I watch him around other girls the more I am starting to wonder if I somehow have the wrong idea about the things the Bible contains? Pretty sure Jesus wouldn't approve.

When we got back up to our floor, Lana came over to me and Adam's room after we all took some time to change and such, and now the two of them are on his bed reading comic books while I'm lying on the other bed, listening to my iPOD and reading an only somewhat interesting novel. They think I can't hear or see them, but out of the corner of my eye I could see them start to kiss, and I figure that's my signal to get out of here. I knew they wouldn't take things too far on this trip, but it's still a nice night – one of the last that the mountain would even be open as the warmer weather is beginning to infringe even these altitudes – in a beautiful resort, so I really should give them just a few hours of alone time. It's not like I feel I can sleep anyway.

I got up slowly, hoping they wouldn't notice me, but they jumped instantly, pulling away from each other and I felt bad.

"Sorry, sorry, guys," I said, "I'm going to go for a walk outside for a few hours, all right?" and I grabbed my jacket, iPOD and novel.

"No, Eli, please don't feel like you have to do that –" Lana started, but I knew she also had a roommate back in her room, a girl she only barely knew so she couldn't really spend time there with Adam. So I waved my hand in a gesture of dismissal and said, "I want to - I hate being cooped in hotel rooms," I lied.

Adam got up and said, "I'll walk you down to the lobby," and I nodded as Lana still looked guilty and her entire face was red.

I made sure to grab my room card from the table before walking out the door.

As we headed inside the elevator, Adam spoke up, "She's right, you know. You don't have to leave," and I chuckled, "Man, is this hotel like a jail or something? Honestly, dude, I'm the one that could use some alone time," I assured him.

"Are you sure? It's not like we're going to do anything, we're taking things slow," Adam said as we walked out of the elevator and into the lodge lobby.

"As you should, but, it's got nothing to do with that. I'll text you before I come back, all right, so keep your phone around. Now, you'd better go, you left the poor girl all alone in there," I pointed out, and Adam thanked me again, flashing me a grateful look, as he headed back towards the elevator.

It was a really clear night and I walked a little around the resort as I put on my Dead Hand playlist, but I wasn't feeling the whole walk thing right now, so I decided to just keep reading my novel on the large balcony that surrounded the entire side of the hotel; it was on the first floor and you got to it from the main lobby, so I knew it was a common balcony for all the guests and not one that belonged to any particular suite. It was especially nice because it was enclosed by plexi-glass so it wasn't cold, and there was even a fireplace that was on. It was also great because I was the only one here; everyone was in their rooms at this point, or having larger parties in the common room like the one we had stopped by earlier. I had opted to not have a beer as I was just not in a drinking mood. Adam and Lana didn't like it there either, it wasn't really our kind of scene, and we all decided to go up to our rooms after that. I settled down on one of the couches by the fireplace, lying down completely across it, and began reading, hoping this book would get more interesting soon.

**Clare's POV**

I gently pushed Jake off of me when I heard the elevator door open and he led us to our room, number 1137. He had only asked for one key card when we were at the front desk, and I didn't realize at the time that that would mean that I'd always have to make sure I leave and enter the room with him. That wasn't very smart on my part, I reflected, making a mental note to ask for another card at the front desk before I'd head in for the night.

Jake dropped our bags off as soon as we entered the room. It was really nice; it had a nice bathroom, a living room with a couch, table and a TV, and…one bedroom, I realized as I walked around. With only one bed. This isn't what Jake mentioned when he first proposed I join him on this trip, and I froze a little. What did I just get myself into?

I felt him come up behind me and he wrapped his arms around me, but I moved them away as I decided to just be upfront with him.

"I thought you were getting a room with _two_ beds," I pointed out.

"That was when I thought you were coming, baby. Don't forget you changed your mind just a few hours ago; I had already booked this room by that point. Don't worry, I'll take the couch," he said, and I felt my entire body instantly relax as I let out a breath that I wasn't even aware I was holding.

"I was thinking we'd hit up this party in one of the common rooms that Drew mentioned to me earlier," he said, and I nodded in agreement.

"Just let me change, all right?" I said, and I grabbed my bag and headed for the bathroom.

Once I got there, I changed into a purple dress that I had obtained from Darcy's closet. It was a bit more form-fitting than what I usually go for, but I thought back to the dresses I've always seen Bianca wear and told myself it definitely wasn't as form-fitting as _those. _

Jake seemed to approve of it as a large smile crossed his face when I stepped out of the bathroom, and once we got to the elevator, he repeated the earlier routine he had established. As I felt his hand creep lower and lower and debated how much more I could tolerate before I'd slap it away, I silently wondered why these elevators always seemed to be empty – no one needed to go anywhere in this hotel?

Just then I heard the door open as a robotic voice said "First floor," and I saw Adam come in. He instantly widened his eyes when he saw where Jake's hand was placed and he stuttered, "Um. Sorry. I'll just take the next one" as he stepped out of the elevator. Seeing the conscientious and caring boy who had been one of my closest friends last year was the wake-up call I needed. What was I doing? I shoved Jake off of me and said, "No, Adam, come in," but Adam didn't seem convinced. Jake was shooting him a death glare. "I'll just take the next one," he mumbled, as Jake said "Good, and he pushed the 'Close Doors' button". I kept him at a distance for the rest of the elevator ride, embarrassed as I thought about what Adam must think of me now.

The party in the common room was not really my thing – Drew greeted us with some snarky comment about how great it was that I wasn't too tired after all – and there weren't very many people here that I felt comfortable talking to. I noticed Jake was starting to drink, which only made me feel more uncomfortable, as I counted him have four beers. Did his dad know he drank like this? I sure didn't.

The party didn't last long, however, much to my relief, and Jake walked over to me and leaned in to give me a kiss, but I moved away, as he smelled like alcohol and I didn't like it. He apologized, and grabbed my hand as we headed towards the elevator again. Drew and Bianca came in with us, much to my relief, and they got off on the same floor.

Jake inserted the key card and opened the door to our room. I headed right towards the bedroom as I was really tired, but when I saw Jake follow me I began to feel a little irritated.

"I'm tired, Jake. I'm going right to bed," I told him, but he just sat down on my bed.

"I know, I know," he said and I was a little stunned by how it didn't even seem like four beers affected him that much. "I just feel like I barely got to spend one on one time with you on this trip," he said.

I wanted to fire back "And whose fault is that?" but I knew that that would make him furious, and…we were all alone. I didn't want that tension. I didn't want another failed relationship mocking me, reminding me of how much I can't seem to get them right no matter how hard I try.

So I just warmly said, "Okay, you can stay just a few minutes," and he smiled as he pulled me onto his lap.

I had told him about my parents' arguing earlier, but it was still on my mind so I brought it up again, "Do _you _think my dad wants to like…marry this woman? Have a whole new family?" I asked, as tears were stinging my eyes at the possibility.

"Baby, I thought we talked about not worrying about things outside of our control," he said. He kissed me softly and I relaxed into the kiss, and as he slowly pulled away he said, "You know, I really _really_ like this dress," and I felt my face turn to fire as he brushed his hand along its rather short hem. I shifted uncomfortably, trying to move his hand.

"Clare, are you scared of me?" he asked me directly and I froze a little.

"No, I'm not," I told him, but this only encouraged him more. He ran his fingers through my hair repeatedly as he pulled me in for a kiss, and when I felt his hand travel _up my dress_ I panicked and slapped it.

He pulled away from the kiss and said, "What the hell?" as I looked down at the ground.

"You're making me uncomfortable. You need to stop," I finally admitted and moved beside him on the bed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said, as he leaned back against the pillows on the bed and he pulled me into a hug. "I didn't mean to scare you like that, baby," and I relaxed a bit.

He leaned in for a kiss that I slowly responded to, but his hand found the hem of my dress again and I heard him whisper in my ear, "Just relax and don't be scared of me. We're not going to do _that – _I know about your vow," and I did relax a bit, and he continued, "but tonight is our chance to get closer; there's…other things that you _are _allowed to do – they would make nice good bye presents for me before I leave for college, you know," and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I instantly froze up and moved his hand away from the bottom of my dress. He placed it on my chest instead, something he had never done before, and I felt tears stinging my eyes. In a matter of seconds, Jake was breaking all the boundaries I had set with Eli over several months; and Eli would _always_ ask if it was okay before placing his hands anywhere on top of my clothing. Even for the few times after we'd set a new boundary, he'd still ask if it was recently new for us, I remembered, as I felt the tears stinging my eyes more intensely, and I knew this was wrong. So wrong.

I stood up completely and said, "I'm not doing _any _of those things".

I saw a look of confusion on his face as he said, "What happened to 'anything you want'?" as he crossed his arms over his chest.

When I heard those words escape his lips, I was absolutely terrified. The similarities were too much – I had promised Darcy before she went to Kenya that I would never make the same mistakes she had, but now here I am, at a snowboarding lodge in a situation that has me frozen in fear. Jake is so much worse than Peter, too, I now realized. Peter apologized immediately when he got a little frustrated with Darcy's vow and he really did love Darcy. Peter wasn't the one who hurt her. I knew now that Jake didn't mean it when he told me he loved me, he just knew it was what I wanted to hear. He didn't have any plans of staying with me when he went to college. It was all hitting me like a tidal wave. I have been so stupid. _So_ stupid. All the signs were there, but I was so desperate to have a relationship work out that I chose to ignore them blatantly, even when Lana clearly spelled it out for me, and she knew next to nothing about me or Jake.

I knew he needed an answer so I said, "That's not what I meant," but Jake surprised me; his face relaxed and he said "All right, sorry, sorry," and he gave me a soft kiss that calmed me down a little.

But then he gently guided us toward the bed again and laid me down on it, as he bent down to whisper in my ear, "You don't have to do anything, you know. Just relax, baby, and I'll take care of you," and as I felt his hand travel up my dress again, this time so much faster and so forcefully raising the entire fabric up several inches, I pushed him off of me immediately and I stepped away from the bed.

"Get out," I said, pointing my finger at the door. "Whatever this was," I said, gesturing between me and him, " - because it sure wasn't love, like you _lied_ to me that it was – it's over. Get out. Now," I yelled, but he wasn't moving.

"Clare, use that pretty little head of yours and wake up – this is _my_ room," he said, and in that moment I saw the same flash of meanness in his eyes that I did when he had first made fun of Eli's style. _This is who Jake really was. _I felt like the rose-colored glasses that I had been wearing for the past year have finally come off.

He got closer to me and whispered, "So, baby, you see, there's no point in getting so mad. I think you should consider just changing your mind…" and the tears that I had been fighting to hold back flooded my eyes as I choked on a sob.

I grabbed my bag and ran as fast away from him as I could, slamming the door and realizing that I didn't even know anyone else on this trip well enough so that I could stay with them tonight. In my rushed packing job, I had forgotten both my house keys and my wallet, so I couldn't use my emergency credit card to pay for a room. If only I would see Adam again, I prayed. I know he's here somewhere because Lana is a grad, and I know we've somewhat drifted apart, but he would help me. I know he would. But he could be anywhere, I thought, before flashbacks of the conversation I had had with Darcy kept invading my mind and I lost the ability to form coherent thoughts.

I kept running, all the way down the stairs, as the thought of getting into an elevator absolutely terrified me now, and I remembered with relief that the lodge had a public balcony. I could sit there for a moment away from any prying eyes as I could come up with a plan, I decided.

**I would love to hear your thoughts in a review! Who's also on the balcony and how will he react to this?**


	12. Love Remembers

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews, nothing makes me happier than to hear your thoughts and I really do hope your share them with me. **

**Okay so it's ski trip chapter part 2! I really hope I did this chapter justice – it's a long one - because I wanted to portray an important moment well. So please let me know what you thought!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

Ugh, this book was not getting any better, and only thirty minutes had passed since I left me and Adam's room, and I had told him I would be away for at least one hour and a half. _Great_.

I jolted and stood up as I heard the Plexiglas door slam and I took my headphones out of my ears as I realized I just got company. Bummer, I was kind of hoping I would just have this place to myself for another hour or so, I thought, but when I saw who just came in I felt my heart sink and my chest began to rise and fall a thousand times per minute, with a mind of its own. I thought she wasn't even here. She wasn't supposed to be on this trip!

So what was she doing on this balcony, grabbing on to her bag for dear life, I thought as I raised my eyes to meet hers, noticing she was wearing a dress that was a little tight and quite short, a dress _my_ Clare wouldn't wear…but when my glance met hers, I felt like someone had shot a bullet into my heart. Her mascara was running wildly and her eyes were as blue as I had ever seen them as infinite tears escaped them and the skin around them was flaming red. Her chest was heaving like she had just been pulled out of an icy ocean and she was struggling for every breath. I didn't think it was possible for her to be crying any harder than she was, but then when her eyes met mine, a huge tremor shook her entire body and she had to lean onto the arm of a chair for support.

I just stood there, frozen. What am I supposed to do? She's terrified of me – whatever she's running away from, she somehow managed to run into the one thing she despises most. Am I just supposed to walk away and leave her here like this? What would Dr. Sadler tell me to do?

She would tell me to stop over-analyzing my every movement around her, I thought lucidly. It was in that moment that I knew what I had to do. I felt that speaking might shock her even more, so I just gently took her arm and helped her sit down on the chair. She was shivering so hard, so I quickly took off my leather jacket and wrapped it around her slowly so as not to surprise or hurt her. I knelt down so our eyes would be level and I reached down to zip it up, and she was watching my hands as they moved the zipper higher and higher, and when I finished, her eyes met mine and even more tears cascaded down her face.

I had no idea what could have caused her to feel this way, but the pain of seeing her like this was too much for me, and I felt my own eyes tear up. Clare noticed this and she whispered, "Don't cry," as I whispered back "I'll stop if you stop". I slowly outstretched my hand towards her waist so I could reach into the pocket of my jacket to pull out a tissue and wipe her tears away.

I started on one side of her face, brushing her mascara off like I had watched my mom do so many times, and moved to the other side as I felt her hand reach out and hold on to my shoulder like it was the only thing anchoring her down to this earth. I placed the tissue on the floor and just watched her for any clues of how she might be feeling; my face was at the level of her knees as she sat in the chair and I kneeled on the ground. Slowly, I saw her reach for the clasp of her cross necklace and in a move that utterly surprised me as I never saw her take it off, she chucked it onto the ground.

"There's no such thing as a good Christian," she whispered, and knowing how important her religion was to her, the fact that she even formed this thought in her mind tore my heart apart. Who had broken my Clare so badly? Her parents?

"Look at me," I said, reaching for the hand that was not resting on my shoulder, and to my delight she didn't pull it away when I held it, but only held it tighter as I softly said, "That's not true. Even I know that's not true," and she shook her head.

"It is, Eli. It is. He wasn't just some random guy I met a month after what happened with us. He was my childhood friend. We used to go to church together, our families were friends. I thought things with him would be easy, simple, not complicated, there would be no walls to break down, no constant fighting for a relationship, no secrets to unveil," and as I heard her enumerate those things I let go of her hand, froze and moved as far away from her as the Plexi-glass wall would allow me as I felt chills run through my entire body.

She was going a mile a minute, listing things that were wrong with _me_. I was very aware of them all too, they had been haunting my nightmares for a year now, but it was too much. Seeing her again, being so close to her again, having my name escape her lips, and then having her list all the reasons why Jake is better than me – I'd never escape this. I could run and get all the therapy in the world, but this is something I could never escape. All the words she just said were ringing in my mind and I honestly felt like I wanted to die. I was turned away from her and staring down at the Montreal skyline, when I felt her press her body onto mine, wrapping me up in a hug.

No. This isn't what I wanted, not like this, so I moved away quickly as more tears flooded her face and she said, "I didn't mean it like that".

"No, you're right. I deserve it," I told her.

"But, Eli, don't you see? I was wrong – there are no good Christians, which Jake made very clear to me tonight," and I felt my entire body clam up as I heard her say that. _He's the one who did this to her. _In that moment, I forgot everything she had just said about me, and I only needed the answer to one thing to determine if Jake was coming out of this trip a free or jailed man, or if I saw him before the police did, alive or dead.

"What did he do to you?" I said, emphasizing each word, and taking in her dishevelled appearance again, as she quickly sat down on the couch and wouldn't meet my gaze. _No._

"Oh no, Clare, there's no way you're escaping that question. What did he do to you?" I repeated.

She shyly looked up at me as more tears came down her face and said, "It's more like…what he _tried _to do…he didn't listen when I told him to stop," and she must have stopped when she heard me inhale sharply in shock and mutter "He's dead. _Dead_," and she shook her head in response.

"Eli, I think…I think it's my fault too. Do you see what I'm wearing? And I know you saw the kinds of kisses I've been giving him lately, because I made sure you would see them, and I did tell him I'd make this trip worth his while," but I interrupted her right there as the direction she was going in was absurd. What had he been doing to her mind for the past year? The Clare I knew wouldn't give this argument a second thought.

"No. No. No. Absolutely not. That's _not_ how it works, Clare. He knew your boundaries. It doesn't even matter if he hadn't, actually - any idiot can tell when a girl is or isn't responding. A decent guy only likes it when a girl responds. If they don't, you stop. That's just the way it is. And when they tell to stop and you don't – you're bordering on being a criminal. You _cannot_ think this is your fault in the slightest. I don't ever want to hear you say that again. That guy is a jerk. A total loser. He doesn't deserve you," I told her, but the tears only kept streaming down her face more persistently.

"What's wrong with me?" she softly whispered.

I kneeled down before her so I could meet her gaze again and I pleaded with her, "_Nothing_, Clare. You're not the one at fault here – _he _is. You are nothing but an angel – smart and beautiful and caring and giving and kind and responsible and outgoing and patient and so wonderfully empathetic. An angel, Clare. He doesn't deserve as much as to _look_ in your direction," I said as I felt my fists clench. After I had helped her to the chair, I was being really careful to not touch her as I thought this would be the last thing she would need right now. However, as soon I had finished addressing her, I saw her inhale sharply as she reached out her arms to draw my body closer, resting my head on her knees and leaning down to rest her own forehead on top of my head. After a few minutes, she was sobbing violently and tears were escaping my eyes as well.

Clare moved to grab my hand and she moved us both to the couch, motioning for me to sit next to her, which I did. "You need to tell me everything that he did, Clare," I whispered. Fear and anger were flowing through my veins as I desperately hoped my worst fear wouldn't be confirmed.

She was shaking as she said, "In his room, on the bed…he kept touching me even when I told him to stop…he was reaching for the hem of my dress," and as a wild sob shook her body I knew I couldn't make her continue right now, so I just said, "Okay, okay, it's okay, he's gone now," but she said, "That's it, then I broke up with him and ran out of there," and I exhaled and inhaled, finally being able to draw some air into my lungs as I told her, "Good, Clare. Good. Running was good," but I could tell she was reliving everything in her mind and I instantly felt guilty for asking her about it. But I just had to know. She leaned closer to me and rested her head on my shoulder, but her whole body was still trembling and sobs would jolt it every few seconds as her chest began to rise and fall even more erratically.

"E-Eli, there's another reason that makes what he did so…so scary," she slowly said, but sitting next to her I couldn't meet her gaze. I felt her leaning more and more into me and I realized that in this moment she didn't seem to be scared of me at all, so I just turned around and faced her as she got closer to me, eventually burying her face in my neck. I gently pulled her into my lap, resting her legs along the length of the couch and pulling her dress down a bit as it had shifted higher because of the movement and I didn't like seeing her so exposed. I let her further nestle her face into my neck because I knew that whatever she was about to tell me would be easier for her if eye contact wasn't involved. She tightly clung to the fabric on the shoulder of my shirt with one arm and with her other arm, she grabbed onto the fabric that made up my collar at the back of my neck. I placed one of my arms around her waist so I could hold her in place steadily while I used my other hand to gently pat her curls down to soothe her just a bit.

"Whatever it is, Clare, we'll figure it out. We'll find the way out. We'll make it okay. There's a way out, and we'll find it," I told her, repeating to her what Dr. Sadler had told me so many times. I loosened my arm's grip on her but she immediately whimpered and started shaking more violently, so I assured her "It's all right. I won't let go, I'm not letting go," as I restored my arm back to its original position and I could feel her relax a little.

"Remember that I told you how my older sister Darcy went to Kenya a few years ago," she asked and I responded, "Of course. And I assumed she was the one who ensured the distribution of the _Project Love_ care packages at the other end a few months ago," and I could feel Clare's breath on my neck as she was saying "Yes, that's right. I never told you why she went there. She was raped, Eli," she whispered so softly that I barely heard it, but there was no mistaking it. I felt my body shiver as Clare moved her arm from my shoulder and slowly rested her palm on my chest in a response to my shiver. I couldn't believe it; poor girl. It's moments like these, when I hear about those kinds of things happening, when I think about why a 14 year old girl had to be hit by a car, and when I see all the pain that has collapsed onto Clare in this moment, that I wonder how people can believe in God. Not that I would ever want Clare to think this way; it's just different for her.

"I'm so sorry, Clare," I said, my voice breaking as I continued smoothing her curls down.

Clare continued, "Someone slipped a drug into her drink, so the worst part was that since she couldn't remember anything, she couldn't identify anyone, so there were no charges, no trial - no justice or closure. It made Darcy almost lose her mind as she tried everything to get rid of his touch – she even tried to kill herself," she continued, her chest heaving against my own.

The idea that that monster never got what he deserves made my blood boil. "That's unbelievable that he got away with that, Clare, I am so sorry. Nothing I can say can make this better – I can't believe Darcy had to go through that," and I know Clare heard my voice break as she kept moving her hand on my chest in a comforting touch, "and I'm so so sorry that happened to her and to your whole family, Clare," I continued.

I began to really worry about Clare's shivering and heaving; if it wasn't going to stop soon, she was headed for a full-blown panic attack. Having had a few of those myself, I was well aware of the early signs.

I felt her draw in a sharp breath as she continued, "E-Eli, it happened at a ski lodge. On a school trip," and my eyes widened at this new piece of information as I held Clare tighter to me and this time, I knew I needed eye contact.

I gently pulled her away from my body just a little bit, and when I could look into her sky blue eyes, I said, "I _promise _you. I _promise _you that won't happen to you, Clare. I may not have been there when that jerk tried to pull those things on you, but I'm here now. You're safe now. You won't let that happen to yourself, and I'm not going to let it happen to you. It's just you and me here, and I'm not going to let anyone touch you," and as soon as I finished saying that, I felt her exhale and she placed both of her palms on my chest as she softly breathed, "I trust you, Eli."

I realized how utterly exhausted she must be after the nightmare she just went through, so I whispered, "Let's go inside and get you booked into a nice new room for the night, okay? We'll only get one key card, and I'll make sure no one comes in, I won't leave, I'll just chill outside the room with my book and music, all right?" and I pulled out my wallet in preparation, wanting to make sure I could do everything really fast so Clare can get to a room quickly and get settled; I knew she'd feel much better once she could regain some semblance of a sense of privacy.

"I don't want you to have to pay for a room for me, Eli," she said, but I responded, "Sorry, my vote vetoes your vote on that one, it's happening and I don't want you thinking about it for a second longer," but when Clare began to whimper uncontrollably as I placed her feet down on the ground trying to get us to eventually head towards the reception desk, I knew I'd have to take things a lot slower. Her chest began heaving wildly again and I was really scared now.

"Clare, I know it's hard, but you need to try to control your breathing or else things will get worse, okay?" I said, as I restored us back to our original position and just began rocking her slowly, in an attempt to introduce a rhythm she could mimic with her breathing and I placed a small kiss on her forehead in a moment of weakness. She was clinging to my shoulders tightly and I could feel her heart beating and its speed astounded me. I gave it a few minutes, but much to my worry it wasn't working; her sobs began getting more and more frequent and she began mumbling incoherently as I desperately tried to piece together the words, but all I could pull out was "Darcy….promise…lodge…mom…mistake…can't stay here…" and with that last series of words I think I clued in.

"You don't want to stay here tonight?" I asked her in a gentle whisper as I continued rocking her.

"I can't…I can't…I promised Darcy," and as realization finally set in for me, I cooed her, "Okay, okay, okay. Shh. Shh. I get it now. We'll make it all right. We can do that. We'll do it. You want to go back to Toronto. 5 hours, Clare, and you'll be in your own bed in your own room. I promise you. Okay? I'll take you home. We don't have to be here a second longer. We solved it. Problem solved. Shh. Shh. We'll go right now".

She slowly reached her hand up to my face and wiped my tears away as she said, "But we can't. There's no night buses. I _have_ to be here tonight, whether I like it or not," and I saw the sheer fear in her eyes as she looked around as if someone would jump out of the shadows and hurt her at any moment. My heart kept breaking bit by bit, but there _was _something I could do about this.

I reached up to push her curls away from her forehead, and she leaned into my touch as I told her, "No, you don't have to be here. I drove here and I can just as easily drive back. We can go right this second; you even have your bag. We can walk to the car right now. Do you want to?" I asked her, not wanting to push her into anything.

"Do that again," she whispered, confusing me even more. "Do what?" I asked her, but she just took my hand and moved it back to her hair. Chills ran over her body as she said, "Y-You have the power to erase his touch for me, E-Eli, please. Just run your hand through my hair once, please," and I understood what she wanted but I worried about her theory. I did what she asked, gently repeating my earlier motion a few times, and she seemed to calm down a little.

"Clare, once we get back to Toronto, we'll talk to someone, okay? The lady who helped me is really nice," I told her, and added, "As much as I wish I could, I can't just erase his touch like that – I'm not going to follow the path of _his_ hands on your body, Clare…I just can't do that," I explained, and she nodded, "No, I know, Darcy talked to me about that too. It was just the hair thing, his touch on my hair just really bothered me," she said, and she held on tighter to me. I was really relieved to hear her say that, as what she had told me about her sister's methods of trying to erase her aggressor's touch was still haunting me.

"E-Eli…we can really be home in 5 hours?" she softly whispered as I could feel her fingers tapping against the collar of my shirt.

"Yes. We can; I have a car. We can leave right now if you want," I told her, meaning every word.

"I'd ruin your graduation trip," she said.

"No, you wouldn't. You _would_ ruin it if you weren't honest with me right now. Please, just tell me what you want to do. Forget about everyone else – about that jerk, about your parents, about me – and just tell me what _you_ want, Clare," I pleaded with her.

"I don't want to be here," she whispered as her body shook with another large tremor, and in that moment my mind was made up.

"Me either. Let's blow this joint," I said, giving her a small smirk. "We need to get back to T-dot. At least they speak _English_ there," I said and I was glad to see Clare giggle in response. I liked Quebec and I know she did too, but it was kind of weird to see all the road signs in French first, and in English written below.

I slowly and gently placed her legs on the ground and she stood up and grabbed her bag, straightening my jacket on her body.

"I want to change out of this dress," she shyly said, and I understood why.

"Okay, let's go to the washroom so you can do that," I responded, but she shivered as her face scrunched up in fear.

"I'll take you and wait for you outside the whole time, okay?" I said, and she gave me a small smile in return.

There was one more thing I had to do before we left this balcony, though. I walked over to where the delicate shiny necklace lied on the ground and I picked it up.

"Clare, Jake…isn't a Christian. I know his family might be and he might go to church, but that doesn't matter, really. He can label himself that all he wants, but he isn't one. That's not a reflection on all other Christians, though; that's just a jerk who is also a hypocrite. One horrible person's actions shouldn't ruin a wonderful thing that teaches love and compassion; even I know that. _You_, Clare Diana Edwards, are not only a model Christian, but you're an absolute angel, and you should put this back on," I explained, as she softly whispered, "Okay".

I moved closer to her and she turned around, gesturing for me to put it on as she held her hair aside. I could myself shiver as I got closer to her - being able to smell her delicate lilac scent brought back so many memories, and I locked the necklace and gently let it fall to her neck. She turned around with a timid smile and the sight of her cross necklace against my leather jacket was a little odd, but it also felt so right.

There was something else I wanted to say to her, though, and I hoped it wouldn't be too much for her to hear. "Clare…you need to forget everything he's ever told you, everything he's ever criticized or ever encouraged…everything he's ever done to you, every trick in his book that he used. Please," and despite my strongest efforts my voice cracked as I admitted, "nothing is more hurtful for me than to see you live with the shadows of insecurities that _he _put there. He's not worth _anything_, Clare and you…you're…_everything_," I told her as plainly as I could.

She touched one hand to her necklace and she surprised me by approaching me and pushing the hair away from my ear with her other hand and touching the small metal hoop I had never had the heart to remove as she looked me directly in the eyes and said, "I promise". That's all I needed to hear before refocusing my efforts on fulfilling my own promise to her.

"Thank you. Now let's go," I told her, grabbing her bag from her hand and when we went inside the lodge I waited for her to get changed outside the washroom door.

I had to let Adam know I wouldn't be coming back tonight, and to tell him to catch a ride back on the bus tomorrow. I hoped he wouldn't be mad, but I knew he'd understand. Now I'd just have to explain it all via the longest text message known to mankind.

_Dude, long story short – Clare had some problems with Jake and I ran into her. She's fine, but still in a bit of a bad spot and she wants to go home. I have to take her dude, I just have to. We have to leave right now; are you and Lana okay to head back on the bus tomorrow?_

A few seconds later, I got his response and we started a little exchange.

_Oh my God, Eli. I saw them earlier in the elevator and I knew something weird was up. Can I do something? _

_It's all under control; you just take care of Lana and make sure you guys don't miss the bus coming home tomorrow. I'm not coming up to the room, she really needs to leave as soon as possible; can you bring my stuff home for me?_

_Of course. And don't worry, we won't miss the bus. Call me tomorrow, all right? _

_I will, I promise. _

Clare stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later, wearing a pair of jeans and a pink sweater that was visible under my

leather jacket. I couldn't help but flash her a smirk when I saw that she opted to keep it on. She was still shivering though, much to my chagrin.

"Do you feel a little better now that you've changed?" I asked her.

"A little," she said with a small smile.

I grabbed her bag from her hands and said, "Okay, let's go," and my heart skipped a beat as she grabbed onto my arm. I lost my focus for a minute as I became absorbed in her touch and had to say, "Oh no, sorry, just one quick stop, all right?" and as Clare nodded, we walked the few steps back to the reception desk where a young woman was filling in some books. She flashed me a smile as I waited for her to finish what she was writing. She then looked up at me and I began speaking to her, hoping she could help me out.

"I'm sorry to bother you, Miss, but I'm leaving early – here is my key card," I said, and she smiled and I handed it over.

"And are you the only person in your room, Sir?" she asked.

"No, there is still one key card out – my friend is staying until tomorrow. I was hoping you could do me a favour, though. Is there any chance that you would let me purchase a blanket and a pillow from you?" I asked her, and she didn't give me the strange look that I had originally expected to receive.

"Yes, of course, we can definitely arrange that for you, Sir. I'll have to charge you as if they were taken from your room, but yes - we can definitely do that for you," she informed me with a professional smile.

"That's perfect," I assured her, as I pulled out my wallet and handed her my credit card. Within just a few minutes, the employee she had called for returned with exactly what I wanted; a nice comforter and a soft pillow.

I grabbed Clare's bag and put the blanket and pillow on top of it as I carried it with one hand. She gave me a puzzled look but she just grabbed my arm again and we walked out of the lodge and headed towards the parking lot.

I guided Clare to my Jeep and she gave me a small smile as she said, "Eli, this isn't your dad's car," and I responded, "Nope. I just got it yesterday – my parents obviously helped me out a bunch, sort of like a graduation present kind of thing," and her smile got wider as she said, "It's beautiful," but I felt my heart grow tighter as deja-vu overtook me; I couldn't help but wonder if she really liked it or if she was just saying that, in light of the change of heart she had shown towards Morty. Just another reminder that the ghosts of the past wouldn't let me be free no matter how much I tried to escape them.

I shook off the feeling as I held the door open for her and she got in, and then I headed to the back to put her bag there, but on my way there, I saw _him _just standing there, waiting for me. He had the audacity to show his face to me after everything? He was really asking for it.

He smiled at me smugly and said, "Well, well, what do we have here? Running away with this nut-job in the middle of the night, Clare? Better watch the news tomorrow morning, Degrassi," he said, shouting towards the lodge as I saw Clare make her way out of the car with a terrified look on her face as Jake continued, "you can all hear about the psycho who promised to give a girl a ride home but really _cut her throat and drank her blood_ so he could be with her forever and ever and ever," he continued, as I froze in fear. How did he know about _Stalker/Angel_? My heart broke as I realized Clare must have told him. I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed in my entire life, but I knew I had to push that feeling to the side for the next few minutes.

My voice came out much lower and raspier than I expected it to as I said, "Clare, get back in the car," but she only backed away towards her door, not actually entering the Jeep. "Clare, please," I said, but I could tell that she was frozen in fear.

Jake got closer to me and said, "Well, _Eli_," drawing my name out, "go ahead and drive off with her into the sunset. She's nothing but a big tease anyway," and as soon as he voiced that thought, I didn't lose control like I thought I would have – I have never thought more lucidly than in that moment when my fist collided with his jaw. The unexpected hit made him lose his balance, and he spat on the ground as he stared at me.

I looked at him and said, "If you ever do as much as _look_ in her direction again, I'll slit _your_ throat," knowing that he would actually believe me based on what he seemed to think of me.

The smug look returned to his face as he said, "Don't worry, she's not worth a second chance from me, freak," and as this kid obviously couldn't take a lesson, my fist collided with his jaw a second time as he lost his balance again. Was he wasted? I really wasn't hitting him hard enough for him to fall down _that_ dramatically, but I knew my punches would draw blood from his lip, which did happen. Small price to pay for everything he put Clare through, but right now she was my priority. When he finally got back to his feet he said, "Got anything left, basket case? You know, an insanity plea doesn't always stand in a court of law," and I decided to answer his question with a final hit that I knew would break his nose. Still a small price to pay. After slowly getting up from the ground again, he gave me one last glare before stumbling back into the lodge. He _was_ totally wasted, but he could mask it and hold his liquor pretty well, I concluded.

I shook my hand out and noticed it was bleeding a bit as I said, "I'm not crazy, Clare, just so you know – I didn't realistically mean that about slitting his throat. But I knew he'd buy it," I specified for her, holding her door open as she got in the car.

I finally put her bag in the back and got in the driver's seat as I carried the pillow and blanket with me, but I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I clutched the steering wheel tightly as his words kept replaying in my mind. I didn't want Clare to see, so I put my head down on the steering wheel. _She had told him. _She had shown him my story – _our_ story- and they probably sat there laughing about it and talking about what a nut job I was. I felt utterly and completely drained; I realized I just didn't have a five hour drive in me.

I felt Clare place her hand on my shoulder but she pulled it away as soon as I flinched. She tried again, placing her own hand on my somewhat swollen and slightly bloody one but I moved it away immediately as well.

"E-Eli, I'm not mad that you punched him. I get it. Thank you," she said, but I couldn't bring myself to answer her, so I just moved a little more towards my window. I didn't want to be here. Now I was the one who wanted to be at home. But I couldn't even get myself there.

"So…did you have a good laugh with him over my messed-up story?" I softly whispered, and I looked up at her to see a look of complete sadness on her face.

"Eli, I never showed him _Stalker/Angel_. I have no idea how he knew about that, but he obviously did his homework on you after I told him we had dated," she said. I believed her, but it still bothered me a little.

"Yeah, well, I sure gave him a lot of material to work with," I said bitterly.

"Eli, you were sick. You're better now," she pointed out.

"Yeah, after I lost everything," I whispered.

"You're not…the only one to blame. I…abandoned you when I should have been there for you as a friend," she specified. I really didn't want her thinking that.

"No, Clare, the things I did – can't ever be forgiven. I don't want you to feel the slightest bit responsible for anything that happened, please. I just wish I would've gotten proper help before I ever met you; maybe then things could have been different," I said, looking out the window and imaging an alternate universe where that could have happened.

"Eli, I'm so proud of you for standing on your own two feet and getting so much better so fast, you know," she said, and as she touched my shoulder this time I didn't move away. My heart swelled with love at what she had just said as I softly thanked her and took a deep breath. I grabbed a tissue from the glove box and Clare intercepted my hand, grabbing the tissue herself and delicately cleaning my hand. When she was done, I felt my energy instantly creep back into my body and I stood up a little.

"Clare, my car keys are in my jacket pocket. Could you pass them to me?" and she giggled a little as she searched for them and handed them over.

"Okay, seatbelt on," I told her, cheekily adding, "Safety first". After she was buckled in, I reached over for the handle next to her chair, pulling it back as I warned her "Hang on a second, I'm just gonna make this a bit better here," and the chair slowly reclined back to a sleeping position. I then draped the blanket across her body and I reached over to place the pillow in between her window and her seat, as she initially looked at me with a curious look on her face that soon turned into a grateful smile. I also handed her my iPOD as I set it to a Taylor Swift playlist, knowing her songs calm Clare down.

"Here, Taylor Swift," I told her as she softly whispered "You kept those songs on here?" knowing full well I approved of Taylor Swift's own song writing and guitar playing but that I always considered her more of a singer for the girls. "I did. I'm sorry," I said but she looked at me and responded, "No, I love that you did."

I quoted her advice from well over a year ago, "Well, if it means something, keep it, right?" and she grinned up at me as she nodded. I saw all of my actions were confusing her a little, so I felt the need to explain.

"Okay, so we're about 5 hours away from Toronto right now. But it's already eleven o'clock, so I don't think there will be a lot of traffic on the roads, so if we're lucky we could be home in 4 hours, but here's the thing – it's dark, the roads are mountainous and snake-like for a lot of this drive, so I'm going to go real slow; not because I'm trying to coop you up in here with me, but because I'm not that familiar with this route. Driving at night always takes a little more care as well, so I know you want to be home soon, and we will – I really think it'll only take us a little over 4 hours. This car drives really really well. But I really want to focus, so you are welcome to listen to music, but I think headphones are best, and you should also sleep," I was telling her as I was gazing in her icy blue eyes, "I realize it's not going to be very comfortable, but at least you'll be warm with that blanket – I put the heat on in here as well, but you're still shivering. It's late and you've had _such_ a difficult day, Clare, so you should get some rest; try to get comfy and relax and fall asleep with the music; that's your job. You do your job, and I'll do mine. I'll get us to Toronto and I'll wake you up when we get there," I said, ending my little monologue.

"Eli, I'm sorry you have to drive at night for so long. You must be tired too," she sadly sighed, as I remembered with relief that it was a good thing I opted to not have that beer a few hours ago.

"Clare, don't think that way – I love driving and it's been so long since I've done it. If I didn't feel that this was safe - if I felt too tired to drive, you can bet we wouldn't be sitting here right now. I'll be fine, I couldn't get to sleep right now if I wanted to, trust me," I honestly told her.

"I do. I trust you," she said, staring so deeply in my eyes that I knew she wasn't just referring to my driving.

"All right," I whispered, starting the ignition, "I'm starting my job, you start yours," and I saw a small smile cross her lips as she rested her head on her pillow and inserted the earbuds into her ears as she closed her eyes. Despite the madness of this day, in that moment she looked so peaceful – it was the most breathtaking sight I had ever seen, and I just looked at her for a few seconds, knowing I wouldn't be stealing glances at her when I had to drive.

I took a deep breath and pushed all thoughts out of my mind and all emotions out of my heart. For the next 4-5 hours, I'd only be thinking about my driving. I could deal with everything else later.

In the end, the drive was easier than I had anticipated, and my hunch about the roads was correct. There were many stretches of time in which we were the only car on the road, but as the familiar sights of Queens Street came into view, a few more people who were making their way to graveyard shifts were also out on the road. It also didn't take as long as I assumed; I managed to get us to Toronto in only three and half hours, making it 2:30am by the time I was turning down the familiar roads to Clare's house, parking right outside. I turned the engine off and took a deep breath of relief; I successfully finished one of the longest drives I've ever been on, across provinces, and now a wave of exhaustion was starting to creep over me.

I ran a hand through my hair and looked over at the sleeping beauty next to me and I finally allowed all the emotions of the past hours to return. Why did this have to happen to her? Clare deserves to have nothing but the most amazing things happen to her, and yet she got hurt and mistreated time and time again. And what hurt the most was knowing how much of that damage was caused by me when all I really ever wanted was to make her happy and treat her right. She had been completely peaceful during the drive, stirring just a bit occasionally and at one point I pulled over so I could gently pull out the earbuds out of her ears as she had fallen deeply asleep and she didn't even feel me doing it. Her pillow had fallen down a bit, but she looked comfortable in the position she was in, snuggled under her blanket.

I wasn't so sure of what to do next, though. I didn't want to take the risk of carrying her after the shock she had been through tonight – unexpected touching is the last thing she needs right now. Also, how is her mom (it's a Sunday, I quickly remembered, so it would be her mom and not her dad) going to react to the fact that I'm the one bringing her daughter back from another province at 2:30am? She hates me already, but I'm pretty sure that sight would lead to me spending the rest of this night in jail. But the most critical thing is…I just don't have the heart to wake her up. This is the first moment of peace she's had in so long – am I just supposed to put an end to it? I can't do that. I won't, I decided, as my gaze remained fixed on the girl who still had my heart after all this time.

However, just as I had made my decision, I saw her stir and her eyes fluttered open as she sleepily rubbed them and looked around her.

"We're here, we stopped moving," she said in a really soft voice.

I reached over and touched her arm as I noticed she was starting to stress a little. "We are, but it's okay, take your time. It's only 2:30, it was an easy drive, roads were all clear," I informed her.

"You got me home," she whispered as she looked me in the eye and I saw tears form in her eyes. _Oh, please, not again_.

"Of course I did," I pointed out. "I promised you," I told her and she nodded her head as a tear slowly made its way down her cheek.

I slowly reached up and wiped it away, "There's no more of those allowed tonight, okay?" I told her and she gave me a smile.

"Okay," she whispered.

She stood up and brought her seat back to the upright position as she placed the pillow in her lap and fixed the blanket a little. I thought she was pretty calm, but then I saw the look of worry that flashed across her face as she said, "Oh no, Eli, I don't have my keys – I left in such a hurry – I can't ring the doorbell and just show up like this at this time, my mom will have a heart attack," and I nodded knowingly as I had just been thinking about that.

"Don't worry, we'll figure something out. You can always come to my house for a few hours and then return here a bit later so your mom doesn't get scared," I suggested, and she shyly looked up at me.

"That would be okay? I've already inconvenienced you so much," she said, and a huge blush crept on her face.

"That would be more than okay, Clare. And you are _never_ an inconvenience to me," I plainly told her.

I saw her smile but then instantly she burst into tears as she glanced out the window. What did I do wrong? Did I pressure her? I did - I pressured her and now I'm no better than _him_.

"Clare, I'm not going to try anything when you are at my house, but we can go in and talk to your mom instead if you want," I nervously said. "Please, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it," I admitted.

"What? Eli, I know you wouldn't do that, that's not it," she said shakily, "it's just that…when I decided to go on the boarding trip, I was running away from something and now that I'm back it's all catching up with me," she added.

"What is it, Clare? We fixed our other problem by getting out of Montreal, we can fix this too, I promise," but she just shook her head desperately as she muttered "We can't, we can't, we can't," and she began working herself into as wild of a frenzy as the one on the lodge balcony, and I feared that panic attack I thought we had managed to avoid was coming after all.

She started shaking again too, as my heart sunk at the sight – I was so relieved when her shaking had stopped, and now it was back again – and she slowly moved the blanket away from her body, took her seatbelt off, and surprised me by coming over to the driver's seat and crawling onto my lap and hiding her face in my neck. I wrapped my arms around her, wishing so desperately I could chase all her fears away as I ran my fingers through her hair and just held her for a good ten minutes – she was done with talking, I could just tell.

"I'm sorry. I don't have the right to do this anymore, I know. I just…needed to," she finally said.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," I told her, and as she pulled away from me a little to look into my eyes I softly added, "I really wish you would tell me what's going on with you, though".

She rested her head on my chest sideways and played with the buttons on my long sleeve shirt as she whispered, "There's another woman. With my dad," burying her head back into my neck as soon as she finished the sentence.

I took a deep breath as everything started to piece together. I couldn't believe her dad was making her go through this. I knew he was divorced, but still. If you have a child our age, you think twice about starting something like this. I needed a few more details, though.

"Are you sure?" I asked her.

"I heard my mom say she doesn't want him to bring her around to the house when I'm there," she said.

"And he shouldn't," I said, clenching my fists. What a fool. He'd just bring her around surprising Clare like that?

"E-Eli, do you think…do you think…she's the reason my parents divorced in the first place?" she slowly asked me.

I answered honestly, "I actually don't. If she was, you probably would have found out much sooner, right after the divorce. It's been a year, it just doesn't make much sense," I pointed out, hoping this would bring her some tiny bit of calm. This was not an easy issue for me to help Clare with, as my parents might be a little off, but they have always been really devoted to each other. I've never heard of any doubt regarding faithfulness creep into their relationship. But…I did experience that with Julia, so I know how devastating it can be to have to think about whether the person you thought you completely trusted might be doing other things behind your back that you never even thought of. Clare might be seeing her dad in a whole new light after finding this out.

"Is it…serious?" I asked.

"I have no idea, I just overheard them yelling. But…there's _another woman_, Eli. My dad has a…._girlfriend?_" she whispered incredulously.

"Oh, Clare, I really wished this wouldn't have happened to you, but you need to talk to him first okay? We need all the information before we make a decision. Trust me, you wouldn't want to not have the complete picture, all right?" and I saw her surprise when she heard my voice crack, but I continued, "You'll tell him how you feel, and he'll tell you everything, I hope, and then you have a choice. You can never meet her if you want, but to be honest, I think we're rushing into things here. We don't even know much about her, so let's take it one step at a time, okay? It might not be much after all, you know. There's still a chance this might all go away," I finished.

But I knew I owed Clare more than that, so I told her, "But for what it's worth, I don't think your dad cheated on your mom. You know, with…Julia – I had been suspecting something was off for a while before one of my best friends at the time came up to me to apologize for…being intimate with her. He kept going on and on about how it meant nothing and we could all just move on from their mistake, but I just felt like my whole world was imploding as he was speaking; she was my first girlfriend and I had been convinced that what we had was special. Then when I confronted her at home that night…I said some awful things I didn't mean, and you know how that ended," I continued. "So, let's just get all the information first, and then we'll calmly make a decision – you'll make one together with your dad, okay? If he hasn't told you about her yet, there's a reason for that," I pointed out.

I saw Clare's look of shock. I didn't want to talk to her about Julia anymore, but I thought this might help her, so I figured it was worth the risk.

"Eli, did she? She cheated on you with one of your best friends?" she carefully asked.

"Well…I prefer to think that she didn't, at least nowadays," I truthfully said, and Clare held on to me tighter.

"Let's go to your house," she said, giving my shoulder a little squeeze before going back to her own seat, but my heart swelled when she reached for the hand that I had resting in between our seats and held it for the entire ride.

We got to my house quickly, and I asked Clare to just hold on for a minute as I texted my dad after I parked in front of my house – he was probably just waking up, and I explained to her that I didn't want to scare him – he thought I'd be coming back much later. My dad wasn't like anything like Clare's mom, but I'd just startle him if I walked in at this hour. Not to mention Clare hasn't been here in a year and I try to not mention her much around my parents, even if I'm pretty sure they both still know how I feel about her.

"Eli, will it be okay that I'm here?" Clare shyly asked.

"There is no other place you should be right now, and my parents will be the first to tell you that, believe me," I confessed.

I decided to phrase my text carefully:

_Dad, long story, but I didn't stay at Mont Tremblant. Something happened with Clare and she needs my help. _

I knew my dad had his phone on him always, and as I expected he answered instantly, and we started a series of rapid texts.

_Well, what are you standing around texting me for, boy? Go help her! Where are you guys? I'll come get you. _

_ It's okay, she's not in any danger anymore. I drove us back home; we're just outside, I didn't want to alarm you coming in. _

_ Eli, stop keeping her outside any second longer. Bring her in. I'll tell your mother. _

"Okay, let's go," I said, and we both stepped out of the car at the same time. I grabbed her bag from the back as I saw my dad come up the footpath to us and he gave Clare a warm smile as he said, "It's good to have you here, Clarabelle. I have to go do the morning show, but you call me if you need anything, all right?" he said, shooting me a poignant look. I saw he noticed my now pretty swollen hand, but he didn't say anything; my dad was one to throw a punch or two when he was my age, so I knew if anyone would understand, I'd be him.

Clare gave him a shy smile and thanked him as I assured him I'd call if anything came up.

She kept holding on to my hand as I led her into the house.

I led her up the stairs, but I didn't think bringing her into my bedroom would be such a good idea; I didn't want her to feel the least bit uncomfortable. My number one goal right now was just to get her settled as quickly as possible, so I was therefore so relieved when as we passed my parents' bedroom, my mom opened the door and she gave Clare a big smile.

"Sweetheart, you're here. Good, come inside," she motioned, and Clare followed, pulling me in as well as I placed her bag on the floor.

"Thank you so much for having me…I'm so sorry to wake you up in the middle of the night, Cece," Clare said, and I'm sure my mom picked up on her embarrassment as her face was bright red.

"Nonsense, silly, I'm always up at this hour, my husband leaves for work every morning at this time and I always hear him and get up for a little while," she said, and I knew this was true. "And this one," she said, pointing at me, "never sleeps, so this is nothing new for him," and I gave her a smirk in return.

"You must be exhausted, sweetheart," my mom said, and I noticed she had changed the bedding and laid out her collection of

'princess pillows' as my dad called them – she was a little obsessed with those pretty decorative pillows that go on top of beds like the ones in magazines or fancy open houses. She would buy them whenever she found ones with colours and patterns that she liked and she'd keep them the closet in the bedroom, and I thought her laying them out for Clare was such a nice gesture on her part – Clare had just spent the last 4 hours trying to sleep in a car; she could really use a comfy bed about now.

"You lay down and sleep, it's still so early, and I need to go into the office my husband and I have set up across the hall so I can finish some work I have," mom suggested, but I saw the look of fear that crossed Clare's face.

I intervened, "Mom, let's not leave Clare alone right now," I suggested, and I saw a look of realization flash across mom's face. "I'll bring your laptop in here, and you can maybe quietly work at the desk?" I added and she nodded quickly as I went off to get it.

When I came back, I knocked on the door and I was told it would be all right to come in. I also brought Clare my iPOD just in case she wanted it and I noticed that she had changed into a pair of pink pyjamas and she was snuggling in under the blanket and in between all those pillows. She really did look exhausted. I handed my mom her laptop as I mouthed "Thank you," and she nodded in response. I could tell she was incredibly worried as she didn't know what had exactly happened to Clare, but I didn't want to go over everything right now and make Clare relive it all over again. I think my mom understood.

I went over to the bed and I kneeled down and drew the blanket that was covering Clare a bit higher over her body as I asked her, "Are you all right? Is there anything I can get you?" but she just smiled up at me with large doe eyes and softly whispered, "Just…thank you," and I heard my mom say "All right Eli, get out now, it's girls' time," and I did as I was told. I felt a little guilty leaving Clare behind, but I knew that this was the appropriate thing to do. As I got back to my room, I didn't bother changing, I just crashed onto my bed and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

**Clare's POV**

_Safe_. That's the only feeling that flowed through my body and mind as I asked Eli's mom if she could brush my hair after he left.

She was doing it really gently as she sighed, "You know, I really wish I could've had more than one child – I think I would've liked to have a daughter".

"You would have made a great mother to a daughter, Cece," I told her as she laughed in response.

"Thank you darling, but it just wasn't meant to be – after I had Eli the doctors told me it would be too dangerous for me to have another child. But I was too happy to be blessed with him to care, and I still really feel the same way," she added and I felt a smile form on my lips.

I told her, "Eli would have made a good big brother to a younger sister," remembering the moments I had seen him with Dylan and Scotty.

Cece laughed a bit louder as she said, "Yes, he would have, but could you imagine? The poor girl would _never_ be able to go on a date, and Eli would make sure to scare all the teenage boys away anyway – just in case," and I couldn't help but giggle madly in response. She had a point.

"Baby girl, I need you to promise me something," she softly said, scaring me a little. The entire atmosphere had just turned around from light-hearted to very serious and I feared I knew exactly why.

"I know I have no right to be treated this way by Eli after what I did to him -"I started shakily, but Cece turned me around gently as a look of shock was displayed on her face.

"What are you talking about, pretty girl? It's Eli; the boy would do anything for you. He doesn't harbour any resentment towards you, you know. But that's not my point – I want you to promise me that whatever happened to you tonight – and you don't have to tell me what it was – but I want you to promise me you will tell your mother _everything_ that happened, Clare. She's your mother and she'll help you through it, whatever it is. She needs to know," and I could see tears forming in her eyes as she continued, "There's not a worse feeling in the entire world for a mother than realizing there are things about your child that you should have known about earlier – trust me," and I knew she was referring to how she hadn't picked up on Eli's oscillating mental health.

I held her hand as I said, "I promise. First thing, I'll tell her first thing," and I gave Cece a hug that she warmly responded to.

She wiped her tears away and said, "Okay, good, now that's settled. You have the most beautiful curls out of anyone I've ever known, baby girl, by the way. But now it's time to rest them on that pillow, all right?" she said, pulling out of the hug. She then got settled at her laptop and turned off the main light, leaving only a soft dim glow in the room that was coming from the lamp on her desk, and I was grateful the room wouldn't be completely dark.

I turned onto my side, pulled the blanket over me quickly as the many pillows that surrounded me felt so comfortable, and I let sleep overtake me.

When I woke up, I saw the digital clock on the night table display 11:00am. I slept for eight hours? I panicked a little when I woke up surrounded by about ten decorative pillows but then I realized everything was fine as I saw Cece reading at the desk. She noticed I woke up and came over to me and said, "Hi, baby girl. Did you sleep all right?" and I nodded and nodded sleepily in response.

"Well, if you want to get changed or have a shower or anything, you can use my bathroom – it's the pink one connected to this room, and I have brunch waiting for you whenever you're ready. Maybe wake Eli up too before coming down, he's still sleeping," and she added, "My closet is the one on the left, feel free to grab anything – you might change your style to be a little bit more rocker, but I have a lot of casual things in there as well," she said with a laugh. I told her I had my own clothes with me as I had packed an overnight bag, and she nodded but assured me I could borrow or use anything of hers in the room.

I had a quick shower and used her blow dryer and then I went over to my bag and changed into a pair of skinny jeans that I paired with a green shirt and a blue cardigan. The house was really quiet and I could hear Cece's music and cooking downstairs, and I decided to go wake up Eli like she had asked, bringing his jacket with me so I could return it to him.

As I stood outside his door, I was flooded by so many memories and I was just so grateful that I had the chance to stand here one last time – this was the last summer he'd be living in this room before he moved to university. After these next few upcoming months, it would be…just a room. I noticed the lock was gone, but when I pushed the door open, I got the surprise of lifetime. His room was…organized. There was no sign that he had ever had a hoarding problem, and he had replaced some of the original posters I had seen with different ones. Standing in the doorway of his room and looking at all of the different posters and taking a glance at all of the interesting titles lining his bookcase, I felt so…surrounded by his presence. I couldn't help but let out a giggle when I looked to the bed and noticed that he hadn't changed out of his clothes.

I laid his leather jacket on his desk chair and decided to just let him sleep for a few more minutes. He was sleeping on his side, his navy blanket tangled around his body, and guilt plagued me as I realized he looked totally exhausted. What did I expect – last night I made him cry, and then he drove for four hours in the middle of the night because of me. His hand was swollen and a bit bruised as well. He never even went to his own hotel room before leaving; he just dropped everything and did what I asked. _That's my Eli for you_. After a few seconds of looking over at him, I noticed something significantly disconcerting; lying there, he looked so…vulnerable. I was troubled to see that he wasn't sleeping peacefully, but he was trembling and jolting at times – he was having a nightmare? When I heard him start to whimper, I realized that's what it was indeed and I got scared and went over and shook his arm gently as I said, "Eli, Eli, wake up," and he immediately did, sitting up quickly.

"Clare…are you okay?" he asked me, eyes widening.

Oh, Eli. Even now worrying about me. "Of course. I feel so much better now. Your mom made us brunch, let's go downstairs," I said, but I noticed his face was flaming. Was he embarrassed that I had walked in on him sleeping? Or because I had seen him have a nightmare?

"I'll be down in a second, I never got changed last night," he said, looking down at his clothes with a frown as I let out a giggle.

"See you there," I said, and before I walked over the threshold into the hallway, I turned around and told him, "Your room looks amazing, Eli," and I gave him a small smile as he responded, "Thanks," and he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. An even more pronounced blush formed on his cheeks and I wondered if the same memory that was going through my mind was forming in his as well. The moment in which his room would finally be clean was another one of our joint imaginations, and now that is was finally accomplished, just like graduation – it was amazing, but it also served as a potent reminder of just how different things were between us than they were in the moment in which those visions were created.

I headed into the hallway and made my way down the stairs. Cece met me with big smile in the kitchen as she handed me a plate of waffles and raspberries and asked me if I would prefer apple or orange juice. A few seconds later after my response, she passed me a glass of orange juice, and I heard Eli coming down the stairs. He entered the kitchen and helped himself to a waffle and some orange juice before taking a seat on a stool next to me. Despite the fact that he had changed into different clothes, now wearing a pair of dark skinny jeans and a simple gray T-shirt, he still looked incredibly tired. His eyes were extremely bloodshot and I saw Cece glaring at his now definitely bruised hand.

I saw her open the freezer and pull out an ice pack and hand it to him, but he just gave her a sad smile as he discreetly said in a quiet voice, turned away from me, "It's been a few hours, mom. It's not going to swell any more; it'll go down soon," and I saw her give him a very unimpressed look as guilt washed over me. It was my fault his hand was the way it was. Cece definitely looked a little irritated with him, but she didn't look very angry, and I tried to comfort myself by remembering that I knew for sure that this wasn't the first time Eli's fist threw a punch or two. This train of thought didn't make me feel much better, though.

"Okay, kids, I still have a bit of work to do, but if you need anything, I'll be upstairs," she said before giving us both a warm glance. I was grateful she had read the situation and wanted to give us a bit of alone time.

"Thanks, mom," Eli responded as I gave her a smile.

I took a better look at his hand myself and it definitely looked bad.

"Does your hand hurt?" I asked him with a small grimace.

"Nope, not at all. It looks a lot worse than it feels," he said with a smirk, and I hoped he was telling me the truth. He turned around, facing me fully, as she said, "Clare, how are you feeling? That was a long drive and you never got to head to your own bed at the end of it, like I promised you you would," he added, looking worried and regretful.

"Eli, I feel a lot better. Don't worry about that – I slept so well; both here and in the car," I honestly told him. "It was so peaceful and I've been so well looked-after…much more so than I deserve," I said, not meeting his gaze.

"Look at me, Clare," Eli said, and his look was filled with care as he said, "You deserve e_verything_. I don't ever want to hear you talk about yourself that way again, because it's just not true," and I gave him a smile in response. How did Eli know exactly what to say to always make me feel better?

He ran his hand through his hair before saying, "Clare, before coming down to eat I called Dr. Sadler – she's the therapist who helped me with everything. She works at this really nice clinic down in Yorkville. Because I've been seeing her for such a long time, I'm really comfortable with her and I didn't tell her anything about what happened last night in detail, because I wasn't sure you would like that, but she did say she would love to see you. She said she would clear her schedule for whatever time you wanted. Now, I know how I felt the first time my mom told me I'd be seeing her – let's just say I wasn't thrilled – but she's really different, Clare. And you definitely wouldn't need the kind of therapy I did; I saw her for a year, Clare - I only had my last appointment last week. But maybe you could talk to her just once. Just one hour. Just to maybe talk about…what happened and maybe about your parents – my parents came with me to some sessions, and Dr. Sadler said it's up to you if you want to bring your dad, or your mom, or both. She's really empathetic; it'll be like talking to a friend, I promise," he finished.

Eli looked so worried and so utterly exhausted as he handed me her business card in a final gesture of determination that I just didn't have the heart to cause him any more pain.

"Okay. Sure. Thank you for connecting me to her," I told him, and I saw him exhale and give me a small smirk.

"Thanks, Clare," he said.

We ate the rest of our breakfast pretty quickly and Eli insisted he'd do the dishes despite all of my requests, telling me I was his special guest today and honoured guests don't do dishes. I managed to coax him into letting me dry them – by just grabbing them somewhat by playful force. When Eli protested, I just splashed a tiny bit of soapy water on him in response and he finally just let me have my way.

As I was drying the last plate, I glanced at the large clock in the kitchen and I saw Eli looking at me worriedly out of the corner of his eye as he said, "You know you can stay here as long as you want, Clare. I'll drive you back whenever you like," and I really wanted to reach over and give him a hug, but I controlled this impulse as I responded, "I know you would," because that was the way Eli had always been, "but I think I'd like to be there for when my mom gets back from church. I have a lot of things to tell her," I honestly told him.

He gave me a small, but incredibly empathetic smile and just simply said, "Let me go grab your bag from upstairs and we'll be on our way". I headed upstairs with him as I wanted to give Cece one last hug and thank her for opening her home to me, and a few minutes later we headed into the Jeep.

Eli placed my bag in the back and threw the blanket and pillow that were still lying on the passenger seat to the backseat and then held the door open for me. He got into the driver's seat and before starting the car he sighed, "I'm really sorry I never finished teaching you how to drive, you know," and my heart broke at the honest regret displayed across his face, so I reached for the hand that was resting on his thigh and I gave it a squeeze as I said, "I don't want you to worry about that," and as he started the car and set his gaze forward, he softly said, "It's not right. Another promise I made to you that I broke," shaking his head. Hearing him beat himself up over this was more than I could handle because it was such a blatant reminder of his caring personality. I gave his hand another small squeeze, grateful that the one closest to me was not his bruised one, and decided I'd change the subject.

"Eli…thank you for making me feel like the most special girl in the world by getting me that _Fortnight_ book ahead of its release date," and my plan seemed to work as his jaw literally dropped before he flashed me a wide smirk.

"You weren't supposed to know that was from me, Edwards," he said.

"Your little covert operations have nothing on me," I cheekily responded, "I knew instantly it was you," I admitted.

"Did you like it?" he asked.

"Best one of the entire series," I assured him. "But you took a pretty big risk you know – what if I had decided to put up spoilers online for everyone to see?" I playfully asked.

"Then I would have gotten fired and we wouldn't be sitting in this car. But I doubt you would have ruined it like that for others," he retorted and I giggled in defeat.

"So, are you excited for U of T?" I asked him.

"It doesn't feel quite real yet, but yeah, I am," he answered and I think I knew what he meant by that; I couldn't imagine him not being at Degrassi next year.

"And how about you, are you excited to finally officially rule Degrassi next year?" he said, widening his eyes humorously.

"Hmm, I think I'll take summer first," I answered with another giggle. I couldn't help myself; laughter just came so easily around Eli. "What will you be up to this summer?" I asked him, careful not to ask specifically about Chapters because he wasn't supposed to know that I knew he worked there last summer, even if I am pretty sure our _Fortnight _exchange gave me away.

"I'm actually going to be working for Big Brothers as a grant writer. Dr. Sadler recommended me for it, and it sort of just happened," he said.

"Eli, that's great! Your writing will be doing so much good," I said, my happiness completely unmasked.

He shifted in his seat as he said, "Let's hope so – I hope I actually manage to get some funding and not just totally screw it up," as I laughed in response and responded, "Oh Eli, I bet you'll win every single grant you write," just as he parked in front of my house.

"Highly doubt _that_, but I appreciate the vote of confidence," he answered. His expression changed from one of excitement to the look of worry that I had seen so much over the last twelve hours, as he said, "Is it okay if I walk you to your door?" and I nodded in response.

We got out of the car simultaneously and he grabbed my bag out of the back and flashed me a smirk as he walked me to my door. I scanned his face and body for any signs that he'd be putting his guard up – I knew the way I broke things off with him had greatly wounded him, and I had no right to receive such kind treatment for him. Eli was strong, especially after all the progress I can tell he's made this year, but…I had hurt him _so_ badly, at the worst possible time. There was just so much hurt in the last few years of his life, I realized now, and consequently, there must be very little place left for trust in his heart.

I couldn't read any signs of him retreating from me in this moment though, so as we reached my door I turned around to face him and I didn't give him any time to react before wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling his body towards mine. He responded quickly, wrapping his arms gently around my waist and placing a small gentle peck in my hair. My eyes couldn't meet his, but as I rested my head on his shoulder, I told him "Thank you. I don't know what I would've done without you," and he responded, "Anytime. Anytime, Clare, I'm just a call or text or a tweet or an email away. Last night I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, but I don't want to just count on that miraculously happening if you ever need me, you know? I want to keep my promise to you, but…if you ever need anything, I'm here, you know that, right? Even when I'm at U of T, offer still stands," he said, adding in a whisper that seemed to be more directed at himself than at me, "It'll always stand".

I could feel myself tear up at his comment. I could tell how conflicted he was over the promise he had made to me to never bother me and his desire to let me know that _I_ could always go to him if I needed anything, and I hoped my understanding of this was reflected in my answer. "I do. Thank you," I said, and he slowly pulled away as he whispered a shaky goodbye. He got into his Jeep and I watched him drive away, wondering if I would ever see him again – over the summer, over the next year…_when_ and _if_ I could see him again.

I rang the doorbell and when my mom opened it and a look of surprise flashed across her face. I instantly remembered the promise I had made to Cece just a few hours ago. "Mommy," I whispered as I let my tears freely fall and I relaxed into her embrace.

"Sweetheart, what's the matter? Back so early from the trip?" she asked.

"Mommy, I have so much to tell you," I managed to get out between my tears, and I was relieved when she said, "Oh honey, let's go make some tea and you can tell me everything…finally," she added, whispering the final word with a clear sense of relief.

**I would love to hear your thoughts in a review…this chapter is my favorite so far so I would really like to hear what you think – good or bad!**


	13. Already Gone

**Hello lovely readers! A very special thank you to musiksnob, ilovetaylorswift13 and Stalker/Angel for reviewing my last chapter; I was pretty nervous about it and your amazing reviews helped. I am not sure how many people are still reading this though as I didn't get much feedback from a chapter that I thought would create a lot of feedback. Sad, I guess we'll see what happens! But thank you so much to those of you that do give me feedback, it is the nicest thing you could do!**

**This chapter takes us to the start of Eli's college days and Clare's gr 12 year. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

"Goddamn it. As much as I want to say this is unbelievable, I had a feeling about that punk. I sure do hope you did break his nose," my dad said as he sipped his coffee.

"What? You know him? How?" I asked in shock.

My mom pitched in, "When we came to your graduation, we ran into Clare and he came up to her a few minutes after," she explained. "I was really surprised that was the type of boy she had opted for, you know," she continued.

"It's not that easy, mom. He had me fooled for a while there too, he's really deceptive," I said, defending Clare.

"Well, Eli, you know how I feel about you fighting, but in this case I'm willing to let this one go. Poor Clare, it was really good you decided to go on this trip after all," she said with a sad smile.

"Plus, our boy totally _dominated_ that fight!" my dad said as he punched my shoulder playfully. My mom shot him a glare in response.

She looked right at me after and said, "I'm proud of you for helping Clare like that. That's the measure of a man, you know," and I could see her hesitate as she said, "but, Eli, what does this mean now? You practically haven't spoken to her in a year and you go from that to a night of comforting her…holding her…and maybe even…kissing her?" she asked and I raised my hands in defense.

"Hey - I didn't kiss her. I comforted her and yes, I held her, but what am I supposed to do? Mom…she felt so fragile and so broken in my arms, I wasn't about to leave her crying alone because I'm too much of a mess to deal," I pointed out.

"You're not a mess," my dad strictly said, "but we're only asking because your mom and I would like to know things this time around".

"Baby boy, I'm worried about you. I know you still have feelings for her, and there's no way you can tell me those feelings aren't confused after what just happened," mom said, and I pushed my own coffee aside.

"What happened last night doesn't change anything," I told them.

"Really, Eli?" I heard my dad ask.

"Really. Well, I told her she could call me whenever she needed anything, so I guess that's changed. But still. So Jake wasn't the perfect Christian boy she thought he was; but there'll be one, and it won't take her long to find him. She doesn't love me – and to be honest, sometimes I doubt if she ever did. When she broke up with me because I was scaring her – that was the real reason; not because we were growing apart or because spring was coming or whatever – I felt like I misread everything we ever had. Last night doesn't change anything because it was just me giving her a ride home when she really needed one," I continued, but my parents both didn't seem to understand, so I explained, "_One_ ride…_one_ thing that I could finally get right…it doesn't change months of huge mistakes. It doesn't cancel those out, it just doesn't work that way," I said, and my mom slowly nodded.

"Son," my dad started, "you've come a long way. And if you honestly, truly feel in the bottom of your heart that Clarabelle wants nothing to do with you, then so be it. You know best," he said, "but if you think a girl doesn't want you, the best course of action is not to keep hanging on, Eli. There will be another one who does, you know," he added.

Now, I know my dad meant the best by this, but being called out like this by him and my mom, and the mention of another girl – it was all too much after the night I just had, and I felt tears stinging my eyes, and I really didn't want my parents to see that.

"I…have my first day of work tomorrow and I'd like to spend some time getting ready," I quickly said, moving off my stool as my mom came over and wrapped me up in a hug. Her touch felt so warm and comforting that I held on a few extra seconds as she placed a kiss on my forehead and said, "Make sure you get enough sleep tonight. You'll do great tomorrow, I just know it".

After my dad also assured me I'll do great, I headed upstairs and plopped down on my bed with my training manual and writing samples, trying to push the thoughts of last night out of my mind.

**Helen Edwards' POV**

As I noticed the receptionist wasn't at her desk, I decided to take matters into my own hands and it was all too easy, really. The company directory was right next to the phone and his name was connected by a dashed line to an office number. I didn't even really need to use the map, as his office turned out to be just past the employee lounge and down the hall.

I knocked twice and was surprised when instead of being told to come in, he just opened the door from the inside. Good, I had gotten the right room number – he looked a little more formal than I was used to seeing him, wearing a pair of black slacks and a dark green dress shirt that brought out his eyes.

He had begun talking just as the door opened, saying "So, they'll be here in a few hours, but I have everything more or less ready –" but as he saw that I was clearly not whomever he expected, a look of surprise stretched across his face.

"Miss Edwards. Sorry, I thought you were my boss," he managed to apologize as his face got paler and paler and urgency crept into his voice as he said, "Is Clare all right?"

"Of course; she's perfectly fine, Eli, that's not why I'm here. I'm sorry for coming by unannounced like this," I told him in response and I felt bad; after hearing Clare wasn't hurt some of the color returned to his face but I could still clearly tell that Eli felt ambushed; he was really nervous. From what Clare had finally told me – from the very start of their relationship to its crashing end – I assumed he might be a little intimidated by me, but the last thing I wanted to do is make him feel uncomfortable.

"No, it's all right. Please, have a seat," he said, gesturing towards the chair in front of his desk. He worked in a small, but nice office with a good view of downtown. The desk was filled with neatly organized binders but papers were spread out messily all across it as well – obviously he was in the middle of a project. He had a large screen computer that I could see displayed an Excel accounting file, photos of children, and a Word document set on Print Preview that was composed of several pages.

"Thank you, Eli. Now, again, I'm sorry to come by like this, but I want to just talk to you for a few minutes," I told him, and I saw his confusion only get greater as he turned the computer monitor off.

"Would you like some coffee or tea?" he politely asked me, and I told him I wouldn't mind a cup of tea and he excused himself, saying he would just go get me one from the lounge and be right back.

I took the time to study his office a little more; the furniture was made out of dark maple and other than the desk and the office chairs, there were also bookshelves lined with Big Brothers annual reports and a lot of books on child psychology. There were framed photos of various children at play on the walls, and I noticed that one of them was of Eli himself, reading to two boys who looked to be brothers. The papers on his desk had a lot of notes on them and I could tell he was putting together some sort of grant application. Overall, this looked to be like the type of job a college student would perform in the summer, and I knew Eli wouldn't be headed to college until this fall.

He soon entered the room and handed me a cup of tea and I could tell that his hands were shaking. This was not the slightly nervous, but poised Eli I had seen the last time when he had come to visit me with his dad; he even looked older and this job was a testament to his intelligence, so why was he this nervous around me?

"Thank you, Eli, that's very kind of you. Let me tell you why I'm here – Clare is in seeing Dr. Sadler in the next building over right now," I said, and I saw a look of realization cross his face.

"Is she all right?" he immediately asked, his worry betraying his efforts of keeping himself composed.

"Stop worrying, Eli, she's fine. She's just taking Dr. Sandler up on her suggestion to return for a second and final visit – this time with her dad," I told him and he nodded in response.

I continued, "Eli, I'm here because I really wanted to thank you. You see, I never really knew all the details of you and Clare's relationship," and I saw him flinch and gaze out the window in a fruitless effort to prevent me from seeing the tears stinging his eyes.

I continued, "and now that I know so much more about your past, I understand a lot more about why you acted the way you did on the night of your car crash," and I could tell that by now I was really pushing his limits. I now wish I had previously told him I was coming, but I wasn't here to criticize him; if anything, I was hoping to bring him some sort of relief.

I added, "Clare told me Dr. Sandler helped you for the past year and she told me about all of your progress – and that's great, Eli," but his gaze now moved from the window to the floor, still refusing to meet my eyes.

"But the reason why I'm really here is to thank you for helping my daughter get home that night two weeks ago. You have no idea how thankful I was that you were also there, and that you did whatever it took to get her to safety, Eli. That is the most precious gift you could have ever given me," I told him honestly.

"And seeing Dr. Sadler helped Clare, you know. Clare's dad took care of things with Jake as well," I told him, and I saw his chest fall deeply when he heard that. I continued, "Clare was already much calmer by the time you had looked after her in regards to the events of that night, but the session with Dr. Sadler helped even more, especially on the topic of her dad. You were right by telling her what you did there too, Eli – her dad won't be getting into a relationship anytime soon after seeing what even just hearing about that possibility did to her".

He didn't look up to meet my own gaze like I hoped he would, but he said, "I'm really glad to hear she won't have to deal with that, Miss Edwards," and I could detect the relief in his smile.

"Me too. You know, Dr. Sadler refuses to charge me no matter how much I insist – something about how she never charges for friends of co-workers?" I asked him, hoping he'd give me more information.

He looked up and said, "We're not really coworkers; the doctors' foundation that she is a part of sponsors Big Brothers and I am working as a grant writer for them this summer. I just sort of fell into the job at Dr. Sadler's recommendation, that's all," he modestly added.

"Well, Eli, what you're doing here is really great, you know. I know about the Big Brothers programs from my church, and it's great that you are helping them in such a valuable way," I pointed out.

"Thank you, Miss Edwards," he said, finally directly meeting my gaze.

"Eli, you see - I'm not sure what the best way to say this is, so I'm just going to say it – I won't ever be able to repay you for the help you gave Clare, so I just really wanted you to know I how much I value what you did. You know, my daughter told me you explained something really important to her, something that I thought you communicated so beautifully. You told her that people can label themselves Christians all they want, but not actually live by those standards and ideals. Well, Eli, you know what I think? I think that works both ways – there's also wonderful, loving, caring and compassionate people in the world that embrace those concepts even if they are not religious," I told him, hoping he would recognize those qualities in himself.

He looked at me sadly as he said, "Miss Edwards, all I did was give her a ride. Anyone would have done it, and the fact that I got one thing right doesn't make up for months of mistakes and everything else I did to Clare," and it broke my heart to see that's what he was trying to convince himself of.

"No, Eli, you see - you're wrong – that was about much more than a ride to Clare, I know that for a fact. And I beg to differ – not every ex-boyfriend," I said, immediately regretting my choice of words as I saw him flinch again, "would have done that. Many men your age, and even mine, would not have been able to put aside their own hurt to do that".

Eli looked deeply saddened but also very determined as he said, "Your daughter was not just my girlfriend, Miss Edwards. She was my best friend," repeating something he had said to me earlier. In that moment, I really admired how Eli really was wise beyond his years – he had already realized that a deep friendship is the key to a successful relationship.

"I know that, Eli. You and Clare's timing…it just didn't work out, did it?" I said, more to myself than to him.

"No, it didn't," he replied with a sigh.

"Well, Eli, where are your plans now that you've graduated?" I asked him, knowing full well about his choice of school and about his scholarship.

"I'll be going to U of T in the fall," he said.

"Hmm, U of T. That's a good school – I graduated from there. So did Clare's father. That's on her list of college applications, you know," I hinted, and he shyly lifted his gaze to meet mine.

I nodded at him meaningfully and then continued, "Thank you for the tea, Eli, and it was nice to see you again. Congratulations on the fine work you're doing here, and best of luck at U of T," I told him before we exchanged good-byes.

**Eli's POV**

"Mom, don't cry, please – I'll see you both for dinner on campus on Friday night, right?" I asked, trying to comfort her as my dad was placing the last box I had packed in the back of my Jeep.

"And U of T is so close by, I'll come home lots and you and dad can come visit me whenever you want," I added. It was Labour Day Monday and I was heading off pretty early, as I wanted to take the day to get settled into my room before Orientation tomorrow. The good thing was that all classes for first years were cancelled on Orientation day, so I would technically have two days to get everything figured out before I'd actually have to start any actual school work.

"The boy's gotta go to college, sweetheart," was all my dad seemed to be able to come up with as he embraced my mom in a hug.

"I know, I know, I'll be fine, I swear. I just can't help but feel…that everything is changing. Besides, it's my prerogative as a mother to be sad, so lay off, boys," she said, as we all walked back into the house – I still had to grab my backpack and my phone and a few last things from my room.

My room did look really surreal – it was so empty – I never realized just how many things I would have to bring with me; I was moving my entire life, practically. I wasn't worried about retreating back to my hoarding ways in college, as I had dealt with that problem with Dr. Sadler quite well and I have other coping techniques now. But I wanted one last trip to the room that I grew up in because realizing how much more time I would be spending on my own, living in a room by myself on campus – it made me come to the conclusion that my previous determination to not take anything that would remind me of…her was a stupid idea.

After all, Dr. Sadler had told me I shouldn't go the other extreme, either, and I wasn't planning on doing that. So I grabbed the photo album containing stills of our Romeo and Juliet film and a variety of pictures from our happier days and placed it in my backpack, and I took my Chuck Palahniuk novel off the shelf, double-checking that its corresponding bookmark was also there. I decided that I would use that bookmark for the readings for English 200 and 201; having done AP English at Degrassi, I was able to register right into second-year English Lit courses at U of T, and I would need to do well in them as the average between those two courses would be used to determine my admission to the English Lit major. I hope the bookmark would bring me good luck – that was a perfect night, and I didn't want to taint it by remembering the times that came after it. I put the book on the passenger seat, and allowed myself a moment of weakness and went back to the memory of a peacefully sleeping Clare in that same seat.

When the time came to actually say good bye to my parents, my mom couldn't help her tears and my dad also gave me a hug, wishing me good luck with the first week, which he warned me would be one of the craziest of my entire university experience. He also reminded me to not do anything he wouldn't do. I reassured them both I'd see them for Friday night dinner, but as I looked in the rear-view mirror the image of my dad just holding my mom made me tear up as I realized what my mom meant when she said she couldn't help but feel like everything was changing.

**Clare's POV**

"And you have everything you need for tomorrow, right sweetheart?" my dad asked.

"I do. But it's not like anything happens on the first day anyway," I told him before wishing him a good night.

I changed into my pyjamas and brushed my teeth before tucking into bed. I did my best to try to fall asleep, but it just wasn't happening, so I turned my lamp on as I reached for my night stand and grabbed my laptop. I waited for it to log onto Windows before signing on to Twitter and going to…his page. All there was though was a good luck message to him and to Lana from Adam with move-in and Orientation at U of T. Eli would be living on his own, I realized, as Adam joked about how he would have been dead had he opted for a roommate – he told Eli he'd just have to wait one more year for him to get to U of T and then they could room together, and a smile formed on my lips at their hilarious friendship. Adam had also sent an individual good luck message to Lana, and my heart ached for him; surely he must be counting down the days left until they can be re-united at the same school.

_This was it_; even after a summer of not seeing him, it still didn't feel real. I would go to school tomorrow and _he wouldn't be there_. I know that I went to school at Degrassi for a long time before Eli was even a student there, but after he strolled in, running my glasses over with Morty, imagining the school without him just seemed impossible. Someone else would have his locker, someone else would be eating lunch in the cafeteria in his spot, and instead of English class I would now have a…spare, as I had finished grade 12 English last year. A spare – even the word itself seemed to mock me, reflecting a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness.

I had made plans for how my year would go in an attempt to imagine it go by faster, but nothing worked; I really wanted to expand Project Love into a year-round thing, but even all of my meticulous planning on that couldn't stop me from thinking about the many ways in which school would be different now. I realized I wanted – no, I needed, just something to get me through the day tomorrow. In the eerie sense of faded light created in my room by only the light coming from my lamp, I needed to know that Eli being at Degrassi, having met him, been with him – it really was all real and good and worth everything I gave it and more – so I went over to my closet, found my Eli box, pulled out my Chuck Palahniuk novel and found its matching bookmark and inserted it into my agenda. I hugged the agenda to my chest for a brief moment before putting it back in my school bag.

I went back to my bed and grabbed my laptop and I closed the window showing his twitter page; he hadn't even updated a status about college. I remembered the day I finally convinced him to get a twitter account and how pleased I was he seemed to do it just at my request; slowly, though, his tweets had become less and less frequent after our break-up, and even though he responded to Adam and Lana whenever they asked him something, he hardly sent out tweets himself. I went to my Google homepage instead, and I was quickly redirected to the University of Toronto homepage after a few seconds after searching for it. The page had a large banner saying "Welcome first year students" and when I clicked on it, I was redirected to a schedule of the Orientation day events. It was insanely complicated – everything was color coded by times and faculty and I noticed that if you typed in your student number and password credentials it would personalize the day's schedule for you, but I had no way of knowing what those were so I just attempted to decipher the master plan.

There was no doubt in my mind Eli would be in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences, so his day would include…a morning meeting with the other nine people in his frosh group and his older student leader, followed by a faculty-wide Meet the Dean session, followed by a Student Success workshop in which the students would get to ask questions from a professor. Then he would have lunch and a campus tour, and the final event would be a pep rally. That's what he would be doing tomorrow, as I would be moving from class to class at Degrassi. Instead of making me feel closer to him like I thought this little search would, it only made me feel more distanced; Degrassi and U of T were relatively close by, but it really felt like they might as well be in different universes to me. As I shut my laptop off and snuggled underneath my blanket, tears came to my eyes as I just couldn't shake off the feeling that everything was changing.

**I would love hear your thoughts in a review!**


	14. Please Remember Me

**Hi lovely readers! I would like to give a huge thanks to musiksnob, taylorswift13, StalkerAngel, steph982912, gretchen132435421, krazyqt392, meandthatperson, and Cool Person for reviewing! In response to the anonymous review asking me when Eli and Clare would get back together in this fic – while I can't say exactly when, right now they are not at the same school! So let's just get them both to U of T first. **

**Thank you so much to everyone who reviews, there is nothing I appreciate more! I'm not sure how many people are still reading this, so it's great to hear from you. **

**This is part ½ of Clare's gr 12 year at Degrassi and Eli's 1****st**** year at U of T. The chapter is dedicated to my friend StalkerAngel and put up at this time in her honor because – you just wrote History Paper 3 (a hard exam) and I am all too familiar with the pain of HL History, been there myself. So I hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

"Good morning, everyone. This is English 200, section 002 and I am Dr. Gifford; if you are in the wrong room now would be the time to leave. If you are also not registered in the course yet, good bye – I have no extra seats," I watched the middle aged prof politely, but strictly say as he made his way to the podium at the front of the room. I wasn't really fond of the fact that my first ever university class was my 200 level one; but English Lit is definitely my favorite subject and I hope studying it at university will be a lot more fast-paced than studying it in high school. Mrs. Dawes was a really good teacher and I enjoyed her class a lot, but Sav had told me that everything was a lot faster and generally better in university, so I was pretty excited for this class.

I'm just going to not have be phased by the fact that everyone else around me in this room isn't a confused first year; they're all students who have already been here for a year and who know how everything works. I could feel the urge to pull out my Sharpie to distract me from the bit of nervousness I was feeling, but I decided paying full attention might be the best course of action for now. Making Dr. Gifford mad isn't something I want to do on the first day; he doesn't look like he'd be the nicest person if he was ever annoyed.

I heard him continue, "I assume most of you are here because this class is a prerequisite for the English Literature major – which is good news because that surely means that you like literature and that we will have a pleasant semester together as we study some of the greatest works of the English language," and he passed out course syllabuses to all of us. I liked this whole syllabus thing that I had also heard about from Sav; the outlines told you what reading you had to do for each day from now until the end of the course in December. Plus, the midterm, the final essay, and any other assignments were already scheduled in.

Dr. Gifford fixed his glasses and added, "Having said that, I expect you to come to each and every class prepared – with the reading completed and one or two questions or comments that you have about the text. You will notice that 10% of your final mark comes from a participation grade – yes, you will be initialling in an attendance sheet everyday but if all you plan on doing is coming to class simply for the purpose of occupying a chair, you can be assured that your participation mark will be a 0. I'd also like to draw your attention to the English Department attendance policy; as you can see on your syllabus, if you miss 40% of classes or more, you will not be allowed to write the final exam – and I guarantee that that _will_ result in you failing the course. For those of you wishing to move on to the English Literature major, you will need an average of at least 78% in this course and in another 200 level English course to get in; and that figure is only an approximation – it could easily rise this year; 78% is only the average that was required last year. If you do not come to class, you will most definitely not pass my course – I've done that to students and I guarantee I will be doing it again," he said as he cast a stern look at all sixty of us.

_Great. _I wasn't planning on skipping regularly, but it was a little disturbing that this is how Dr. Gifford was starting class. At Orientation yesterday, we had a session where we got to ask a professor some questions, and he was _much_ nicer than Dr. Gifford. When I registered for this particular section of English 200 out of the many that were offered, I did so because the English Department website listed him as one of the profs who sat on the English Lit major admissions committee, so I thought it might be useful if he knew who I was from this class. _RatemyProfs_ also had a lot of comments about how his lectures were really interesting, but his little speech was definitely making me have second thoughts. I knew I had two weeks to switch into another section as I pleased, and in this moment I was definitely considering it as a definite possibility.

"Now, I won't be taking attendance every day during these first two weeks because I know you are all still 'class shopping' during this time, but just today I would like to see where we stand with registration, so bear with me as I do this," he said, and I took the opportunity to look around the room. Everyone looked to be about my age, I didn't think I stood out as being a year younger necessarily, and there were a lot more girls in the class than boys, but apparently this was common in English Lit classes.

"Elijah Goldsworthy," I heard him say, and I gently specified "Here. You can call me Eli, Sir," hoping he wouldn't snap a gasket at me.

"Sure. Thank you, Eli," he said, as I saw him scribble the shortened form of my name beside my full name on the attendance list, and I relaxed a little.

After he made his way down the list, struggling with some of the more difficult names, but being really patient as he figured all of them out, he began going through the syllabus, outlining important dates and asking us if we were able to successfully find all of our textbooks at the bookstore. Some people nodded in response, and I was grateful I had had enough time on Labour Day to get my textbooks for all of my classes. I didn't want to be behind on the first day.

"All right then, so please don't forget to complete your first reading of _The Canterbury Tales _for Friday – and I don't see any reason for keeping you here any longer today. Nice to meet you all," he said, and everyone started packing up and making their way out of the classroom.

Awesome, I thought to myself – I liked first days that only lasted of twenty minute classes.

"Hey, man, you ever have him before?" I heard the guy who sat next to me ask.

"No, I'm in first year, actually – this is my first class here," I specified as I saw a look of amusement cross his face.

"Nice! You have credit from high school?" he asked.

"Yep," I simply responded.

"My name's Daniel. I'm in second year," he said and I replied, "I'm Eli," and we made our way out of the classroom together.

"Do you live in residence or are you from out of town?" he asked.

"I'm from Toronto, but I'm staying in rez just to be a bit closer. I'm in New College, Wetmore Hall, "I explained.

"Cool, I'm from Ottawa, so I'm in rez. And we're in the same building, dude! I'm headed back there right now actually, if you're going back too, wanna grab lunch?" he asked nonchalantly.

"I'm in, I'm starving," I told him, and we headed outside the building to start the five minute walk back to rez together.

An hour later, I had found out that Daniel was pretty familiar with Toronto as Ottawa wasn't that far, and that he had opted to come to U of T because he wanted to go to law school after his undergrad and he thought that being at the best school in the country might be a better long-term plan. He was planning on majoring in English Lit like me, and he told me a few helpful tips about some of the English profs. He had had Dr. Gifford for first year English last year and apparently he isn't so scary after the first day, it's all part of a scare tactic or something like that. Daniel also mentioned that if he sees that you're serious about your work it's not hard to do well in his class. That was really nice to hear, as after that first class I definitely had my doubts.

I had told Daniel that seeing how I'm from Toronto, if he ever needed help with anything to do with the city he shouldn't hesitate to ask me, and as we were walking back to our rooms from the dining hall we actually figured out he lives just on the floor below me. It didn't surprise me that I hadn't met him yet, as move-in day was completely nuts and all the incessant ice-breakers that the RAs had us play were only done by floor groups. I knew that everyone at college, and especially in first year, was in the same boat when it came to making friends, and I was glad to have met Daniel because at least we could exchange English notes if we ever missed a class and such…but the way in which he was telling me about his high school and his hometown with such ease was making me feel a little guilty. I could never be that open in return with him; what would he say if he heard that the formative events of my high school life included causing the death of my first-ever girlfriend and crashing my hearse in a fruitless attempt to prevent losing the girl I love? Exactly. I know he could tell I was being a lot more distant with him than he was being with me, but he seemed like a chill dude and I hoped we could be friends.

He had come over to my room to borrow a book I had told him about at lunch, and as I opened the door and turned the radio on, he said, "Awesome, that's my favorite station," and I decided to tell him something about myself that I could share, even if it was a little embarrassing.

"You ever listen to their morning show?" I asked.

"Only every morning!" Daniel enthusiastically exclaimed.

"Bullfrog...is my dad," I told him, and his face displayed an incredulous look.

"Seriously?" he asked. "That's awesome!" and he held out his fist to me as I bumped it with my own in response.

"Ha - not so much when him and my mom spend parent-teacher conferences talking about how I might not hear so well in class on account of them taking me to every single rock concert known to man when I was a kid," I said with a smirk.

"Well, all I know is that this summer I'm doing whatever it takes to get tickets to the Dead Hand tour," he said enthusiastically and I knew this friendship was off to a good start. Adam would have to meet Daniel soon as well, I thought to myself. Maybe this weekend when he was coming to visit Lana and I.

"Oh man, me too. I went to the Reunion Show two years ago and it was…epic," I told him as he responded with an approving nod.

"Your room is just the same size as mine," Daniel said, "but my closet is on the other side. Dude, do you have a girlfriend?" he asked and I grimaced. This was definitely not a topic I wanted to dwell on.

"No, I don't," was all I said in response. "You?"

"I _did_, up until recently. Naomi - a really pretty and really smart girl from Ottawa. We did the long distance thing as she stayed home for university – you know, we did it for all of last year and I thought we just might be able to pull it off, but when I came home for the summer – boom. Apparently she had decided we had grown apart and it was over just like that," he sadly said. "I was so mad at her for not giving me an actual reason that I never spoke to her again, but I'm pretty sure there must have been another dude involved, you know?" he sadly said and I couldn't help but grimace again.

"I do, actually. That's the exact same reason my girl gave me too. There was no other guy, though, I was just too much of a mess for her to deal with," I bitterly said, letting go of my inhibitions for once.

"It sucks, doesn't it," Daniel said, and I could tell he wasn't over Naomi.

"That it sure does," was all I was able to come up with.

"Man, look at us – we're pathetic," he said all of a sudden, "College is supposed to be the best days of our lives and here we are sitting sulking over two chicks. We should just hit up a party tonight and get them off our minds," he concluded, and in that moment I realized this potential friendship might be kind of over before it even really starts.

I just responded, "I think I'm gonna stay in tonight". Clare was not a 'chick' whose memory I could wash away with a couple of beers; just because I was in college doesn't mean I'm gonna try that technique. If a year's worth of time and distance didn't really help much – if I was being truly honest with myself – I know one night of purposeless partying sure won't.

"Nah, I get it," he said, as he waved his hand in a gesture of dismissal, "it's not really my style either. I just thought I'd try something different for once, that's all. I've tried everything and I can't seem to move on, really. She still creeps up into my mind. I know she shouldn't, but still, I can't help it," he admitted, and I was glad to hear that my initial instinct about him wasn't so far off.

I confessed, "I know how that feels. It's been over a year for me".

"What's her name?" he asked.

"Clare," I said, and I hated how it was making me slightly happy to be able to say her name out loud in a conversation, even if she wasn't around or if the person I was talking to had never known her.

"But enough about that," I abruptly said, as I handed Daniel the book we had been talking about, "Here you go, man. Hope you like it." He thanked me in response and told me he had to make his way to his next class.

I didn't have another class for two hours, so I stayed back in my room, but there was somewhere I had to be in half an hour, and much like everything these past two days, I really didn't know what to expect when I got there. A few days before I started at U of T, I received an email from the Canada Centennial Foundation - the organization that had given me my scholarship – explaining that apparently there were chapters at every university where the winners could meet each other. Run by third and fourth year students, apparently the chapters would meet about once a month and it was a chance for us to know each other and form a type of support network, and there would even be a conference each year in a different Canadian city that we would all attend.

I was a little weary of what to expect; I'm not the most immediately social guy and the whole deal sounded like a _very_ social activity, but I figured I should do it, and it might be interesting to see what all these kids are involved in. I still don't feel like your average scholarship winner, but maybe Mrs. Dawes had a point about this scholarship covering lots of different disciplines and interests, and since doing grant writing for Big Brothers this summer, I liked learning about different foundations. And besides, I had already registered for the conference that would take place in October as the deadline was a few days after receiving that first email, so it might be nice to meet the people going from U of T before I'd actually have to spend three days with them, as well as with all the other students from all the other universities across Canada.

I shuddered a little as I remembered the conference would be in Montreal, but I tried to shake off that thought; it would be in downtown Montreal, at a hotel far, far away from Mont Tremblant. I'd be flying there with all of the other U of T students, and I'd be going to learn about different organizations, not to snowboard. Besides, the last night I was in Montreal…couldn't have meant anything to her other than a ride home. I told myself I _could _push my thoughts of Clare aside and focus on my own business; I need to, because I sure as hell don't think that she's thinking about me at Degrassi right now. Out of sight out of mind, right?

**Clare's POV**

I never thought I'd be incapable of shaking off this feeling of…regret. He's nowhere in sight anymore, I realized as I walked through the same parking lot where we had met exactly two years and a month ago. How did things get so bad? How did we both let it come to this? Why didn't we fight harder? But I could feel tears stinging my eyes as I realized that he had. Eli had fought hard for our relationship; through everything with Fitz, and then…he even fought hard through his illness. That's what that was. He was fighting for us, but his judgement was clouded because he was sick; but he was still fighting. His determination just ended up resulting in that erratic behaviour as it was filtered through his sickness. So, if I had broken things off romantically – because no matter what, that needed to be done for a period of time – but remained there for him as a friend…maybe we could have made our way through everything together. But I was too stubborn to see that at the right time, and now it's too late. Now…he's gone.

At least there was one good thing about the fact that I no longer had English class this year and I had a spare instead – so did Adam, and the past month had provided the perfect opportunity for us to re-connect. We'd spend our spare together, usually either in the library or in the cafeteria, doing other homework. Today we were in the cafeteria but Adam wasn't paying much attention to the math equations in front of him; he was texting madly instead and by the wide grin on his face I just knew he couldn't be talking to anyone else but Lana.

"So…does she like U of T?" I shyly asked him once he put his phone down for a second.

Adam gave me a small smile and said, "She really does. It's the perfect place for Lana – fun and huge – there's always a million things to do. I just wish our timing wasn't off was like this," he ended with a frown.

"I'm sorry Adam, I can only imagine that must be so hard," I said empathetically, "but don't give up. At least she's still in Toronto, and it's not that far," I tried to encourage him.

"Oh _believe me_, I have no intention of giving up. And you're right – U of T is really close, it's just that her schedule at university just seems all over the place. There's no 9-3 kind of thing, she has classes in the evening, but huge breaks in the morning, she goes swimming on some of her breaks, running on others, – it just feels different, you know?" he said with a shrug as I gave him a smile.

"Have you…been to visit her?" I slowly asked him, hoping this topic might help me hear a little bit about how Eli was doing. It was a big change, after all, and while I wasn't exactly worried about him…I just wanted to know even something small about how he spends his time these days.

"I have; I headed out the first weekend after she moved in, I stayed with…Eli," he slowly said, and I could tell he was scanning my face for a reaction.

I tried to not let my sadness show across my face as I just resolutely said, "That sounds like fun".

Adam gave me a small smile and said, "It was. Clare…" he continued and I could feel his hesitancy, "He's doing well. Really. He is. He's a lot busier than Lana though. He's in this class a year early that'll determine if he can get into the English Lit major and he's stressing out about it a bit. He also sees Dylan and Scotty still, and he's stayed on as a grant writer for Big Brothers because there's this big grant with an April deadline that he didn't want the organization to miss out on, plus the scholarship he won has all these activities for all the winners that came to u of T, they're like some kind of a campus club – he's going to Montreal for a conference for that soon," he finished.

I wanted to give Adam a hug for being able to read me so well; he told me everything about what Eli's days were made of, and he didn't even put me in the awkward position of having to ask. Eli did sound busy, but it was kind of an incredible busy. He was doing so many great things…things that I wish I could be a part of.

"He sounds like he's really adjusting well," I said, looking over my own math homework absent mindedly.

"Sure," Adam responded, "but I can tell he gets lonely sometimes. He lives on his own, and I met his friend Daniel when I was there, and he has dinner with Lana whenever they can, but you know Eli," he said with a laugh and I giggled in response as I knew exactly what he meant.

I could tell Adam was a little hesitant to say whatever he meant to express next, but I raised my eyebrow at him and nodded encouragingly and he said, "Clare, do you ever think about being friends with him again? Especially after talking to him a bit that time at Mont Tremblant?"

"I…don't know how," I honestly admitted.

Adam's face displayed a look of total shock and mild confusion. "You don't know how? Just talk to him, Clare! About anything. He'd be so happy to hear from you, you know," he added poignantly as we started packing up our things and headed for the front doors of the school.

I was grateful that the school day was over; I was so tired after stressing out all day about Project Love long-term plans for the year; I was worried that I just wouldn't have enough funding to make it a year-long endeavour, and I was weary about starting something and not being able to finish it. I had talked to Principal Simpson about my concerns, but to be perfectly honest, he wasn't as helpful as I had anticipated he would be. Alli also volunteered to help with the actual running of the project, but I was more worried that I would never get to the actual execution if I couldn't be sure that I could get enough support to send packages to _every_ child in the orphanages. And it would _have_ to work out so that _every_ child receives something, or else I would be doing more harm than good, only helping out some children but not all of them? I couldn't do that.

I was getting a headache just thinking about all of it again, but when I saw a black Jeep parked outside the school, I was so happy that I could cry. I knew it was Eli's – I would recognize it anywhere. Maybe this was my chance; I could follow Adam's advice…seeing Eli would be just the energy boost I'd need right now. I could feel my face light up as Adam and I walked down the stairs, and I started to walk faster.

The door opened and I couldn't wait to see him come out and flash me his signature smirk. But then I saw a shining flash of blonde hair as Lana was the one to get out of the driver's seat. Had he maybe let her drive? As I glanced over to the passenger seat that I had sought refuge in on that horrible Mont Tremblant trip, I realized Lana was alone. She closed the door and let out a tiny squeal as she saw Adam and she ran over to him and gave him a sweet kiss. He was still very much in shock to see her, and as happy as I was for them, my heart ached at the thought that this happy scene would never be a moment between Eli and me. He'd never come visit me from U of T because I had hurt him badly and I never tried to make amends.

Lana and Adam pulled away as he said, "This is amazing! How did you get here, I thought I wouldn't be seeing you until Saturday!" and she flashed him a flirty smile as she said, "When we were texting earlier, I was just sitting in a coffee shop with Eli - we were both doing some homework. I had texted him to join me because I was having a horrible lonely day and I knew my two hour Wednesday break overlaps with his. Anyway, he made some sort of sarcastic remark about me not actually doing any homework because I was too distracted by texting you, and he just shook his head and tossed me the car keys, pointing out that if I left then, I could catch you coming out of class. And he was obviously right!" she said, clapping her hands in happiness at the end as she leaned in for another quick peck.

"Remind me I owe him one," Adam said with a smile as he put his arm around Lana.

I admired the lovely image of the two of them together for a minute, but after that I felt the need to immediately go home. Knowing that only thirty minutes ago, Lana had been doing homework with Eli just like the two of us used to do all the time, knowing that he really was so close but yet so far away…it was all a little too much.

Lana turned her glance towards me and a blush formed on her face as she apologized, "Hi Clare – sorry. I got a little caught up in seeing Adam, I didn't meant to be rude," but I assured her "It's okay, Lana. I get it. I actually have to be on my way home, I have a lot of things to do". Lana flashed me a small understanding smile, and enthusiastically added, "No! Don't go home. Come to campus with Adam and I – we can show you around. Are you thinking of applying to U of T?" she asked.

"I am, actually, and that's so nice of you to offer, but I really do have to be on my way," I said, giving them a quick goodbye as I rapidly walked away from the sad smiles that stretched across both of their faces. I hoped they wouldn't be offended that I turned down their offer, but…I just couldn't imagine getting a tour of the school I planned on going to next year from anyone else but the boy whose heart I wish I had never broken.

**Cece's POV**

"…and that's probably one of my favorite things that's different from high school. I love the freedom of making my own schedule, and I love that we're not in classes nearly as long as in high school. I mean, yeah, I have to do a lot more work outside of class time, but I prefer it that way, actually," I listened to my baby explain with an enthusiastic look on his face.

Nothing could make me happier than seeing him so happy and…free. He was telling his dad and I that he thought he had done well on all of his midterms – we came over to campus to take him out to dinner pretty much every Friday but this particular time we were also celebrating the fact that he had finished all of his midterms and that he had just gotten back from Montreal from a conference organized by the scholarship foundation. I was glad he finally got a more relaxed trip to Montreal, as the last time that he was there that entire drama with Clare happened. His trip to the conference however, sounded really different from that. He had to go to different workshops during the day, and the main goal of the conference was for all the students who had won this particular scholarship from all over the country to meet each other, and I could tell he found it interesting.

"Eli? Hey!" I heard a pleasant voice say, and I looked up to see a very pretty girl with gorgeous red hair smiling at him. Well, who might this be? Bullfrog flashed me a small smirk and I could tell the same thing was going through his mind.

Eli looked up at her and gave her a small smile as he said, "Audrey, hey. These are my parents, they came in for dinner. Mom, dad, this is my friend Audrey, we did a presentation together in my history class just last week," he explained.

"Oh, it's so nice to meet you! I had so much fun working with Eli, and we got a great mark on that project," she added with an extremely bright smile.

"It's nice to meet you Audrey," I said and my husband added, "It's a pleasure. Are you from Toronto?" he asked her and she shook her head, her smile never leaving her face, "I'm actually from New York, but I decided to head up here for university and I love it," she explained. "But I'm sorry for interrupting your family dinner – I'd best be on my way. See you in class, Eli," she said, touching his arm and leaving before we could protest. Huh.

As soon as she was out of earshot, I knew my husband would speak up and he surely did.

"Eli, that girl likes you," he deadpanned.

"No, she doesn't, dad – she was just a project partner, that's all," he said, a stubborn look on his face.

"Why don't you ask her out and find out? I bet I'm right, though," Bullfrog insisted.

"Because – I don't want to ask her out," Eli replied and I knew where this was going. My husband and my son were both rather stubborn.

"Why not? She's pretty, and probably smart. Just one date, see where it goes. You're in college, this is the age where you ask girls out, you know," he kept pushing.

"I just don't want to, all right?" Eli said abruptly, and I placed my hand over my husband's and glanced at him to indicate that he should just lay off of Eli, which he did. We both knew why he didn't want to ask her out, and as much as Bullfrog wanted him to get over this already, I knew it wasn't that easy for him.

Eli started telling me about what had happened in his classes since the last time we were here and I was really glad to hear that he was enjoying most of them. I was so relieved to see that he seemed to be adjusting to college really well, as I knew that this transition wasn't easy for anyone, and I couldn't help but worry initially. He was living on his own, and generally spending a lot of time by himself, either studying and going to lectures that in first year were made up of hundreds of students. Eli had proven his strength and determination to me time and time again over the past year and a half, and I was very pleased to see that this trend was continuing.

But I also knew my son. And I knew that keeping himself busy was something he's been leaning towards as a coping technique lately. And it's not a bad one, as he is not deviating into an unhealthy territory, but I just don't want him shutting himself off from the world because he still blames himself for what happened with Julia, and _especially_ for what happened with Clare. Eli's a teenager, is what my husband always says as support for his belief that there'll be another girl soon…but I know that he's only trying to soothe himself by saying that.

Eli might be a teenage boy, but he doesn't give trust or love easily, and he doesn't attach himself to others easily either. The fact that in one way or another, he's lost two of the few people he actually completely let in…it worries me if he'll ever be able to open his heart to trust again. I know that he what he felt for Clare was love, and that he was deeply hurt by what happened. And I am also convinced he still loves her, and as much as I love Clare myself, I can't help but agree with my husband that it might be time to let her go. Now that he's here and Clare is not, I hope this might help him. Maybe if Clare also went here and she wanted to get back together with him, they could try again – but even then I'd worry. They are both so young, and if things weren't to work out a second time…I'm afraid that would be too much for Eli to handle.

I watched him point out a few buildings to his dad through the window and I lost myself in my own thoughts as I glanced out at all the old beautiful buildings on this campus. I couldn't help but wish that I could just freeze this moment in time…when did Eli get so old? The house felt so empty now without him, and even though he's only away for four months at a time, and he comes home some weekends, I miss the times when I would get to see him every day. I miss just being able to head up to his room whenever I wanted to see him – nowadays I found every excuse to _not_ enter his room. Most of his books and most of his clothes were gone. I didn't want to move anything around in that room….I wanted him to find it just the way he left it when he would come home for Christmas break a little over two months. I was already counting down the days.

"You all right, sweetheart?" I heard my husband ask me as he reached for my hand across the table and twisted my wedding band around my finger. He must have noticed that my eyes were tearing up.

"Yes, yes, I am," I said, making sure my mascara was still in place.

Eli gave me a sad smile as he said, "Mom, I'm going to come home this weekend, all right? I have a lot of studying to do, and I need to write my first term paper, so I could use some quiet time away from rez". I couldn't help but give him a grin in response, "All right, baby boy, that would be lovely," and I made a mental note to stop at the grocery store on my way home to make sure that I had all of Eli's favorite foods and snacks available for his study weekend. I felt my husband move our intertwined hands off the table and he placed a small kiss on my hand as Eli made a face and moved his glance away.

**Clare's POV**

I could hear my mom giggle in response to my outfit.

"Oh sweetheart, you've always loved Christmas but I love that this year that gorgeous red coat we found is just so in the spirit – _especially_ when you pair it with a green dress," she pointed out, her giggles getting more frequent.

"Too much?" I asked, turning around in front of the mirror.

"It's perfect," my mom assured me, "and you are too cute for words, but we'd better get going if we want to catch the movie after dinner as well," she told me, and I grabbed my purse and slipped my boots on. We were going out for dinner at Little Miss Steaks in honour of me finally being out for school for winter break, and my mom getting off of work for the holiday as well.

We had a really nice dinner and I was able to forget all about my Project Love troubles – just as I had suspected, I wasn't able to get all the funding I needed in time to make and send off the packages for Christmas. I tried not to feel too guilty about this, and reminded myself that last year I didn't send them until the end of April, but it was just that…now I was worried about being able to meet that deadline as well. I was determined to find a way to make this happen, as I didn't want to disappoint Darcy and all of the children she looked after, but I was one step away from a complete panic. I couldn't force people to help if they didn't want to!

"Sweetheart, sweetheart, do you want dessert? You look so lost in your own thoughts over there," my mom said, casting me a worried glance.

"Sorry mom, just trying to think of a way to make Project Love work," I told her.

"Oh honey, you need to stop stressing out about that. Just give it time, love," she advised me and I did my best to put it in the back of my mind as we decided to order chocolate cheesecakes.

I had just started eating mine when I was shocked to see Eli, Cece and Bullfrog come in the restaurant. Cece was as happy as I'd ever seen her, and Eli and his dad were bumping fists as she was rolling her eyes in playful frustration. They hadn't noticed my mom and I, but I saw my mom pick up on my expression of surprise and she turned around to see what I was looking at and then gave me a small smile in response.

"He must be back home for winter break," she pointed out. "Have you talked to him lately, Clare?" she asked, and I shook my head sadly in response as I kept my eyes fixed on my cheesecake.

"Sweetheart, maybe you should just go say hi," my mom gently said and I felt a smile cross my lips. She was right. I should say hi, and as Eli and his mom and dad sat down at a table pretty far away from mine, still not noticing I was also here, I decided I would just see how he reacts.

"Okay, mom, I'll be right back," I said, and I felt my hands shaking a little as I approached their table. Eli was sitting with his back turned towards me and Cece and Bullfrog were sitting across from him. Cece was first to see me, and her eyes widened in surprise, but then she cast me an electric smile.

I saw Eli turn around with his eyebrow raised curiously, and when his eyes met mine I felt my cheeks flaming. A small blush was also forming on his cheeks, and by the time that I was at their table, Cece was already standing as she said, "Hi, Clare, so nice to see you again! Come on Bullfrog, we have to go up to the bar for a second so we can decide which wine to have tonight," she said, speaking almost at Alli's speed as she grabbed her husband's arm and pulled him away from the table before he could say more than a rushed greeting that I responded to with a smile.

I sat down across from Eli and hid my hands under the table because I didn't want him to notice that they were shaking. I raised my eyes to meet his, and when I did, I immediately wished I hadn't because it took me a few seconds of just staring into them before I was able to compose myself.

"I…I just saw you coming in and wanted to say hi," I nervously blurted.

"I'm glad you did," Eli responded, flashing me a somewhat sad smirk. "You look beautiful, Clare – so in the spirit," he said, taking in my green satin dress and white pashmina. I didn't think I'd be possible, but I felt my cheeks get even warmer.

"How was your first semester at U of T?" I asked him, and relaxed a bit when I saw that he seemed to get a little more comfortable.

"It was kind of busy and crazy, but good overall," he said. "How about yours?" he asked.

_Lonely_ was the only word that came to mind, but that wouldn't make any sense. I was always surrounded by friends at Degrassi, so I had no reason to be lonely. "It was…predictable," I termed it, and added, "kind of looking forward to graduation already," I added.

Part of me hated this. _This_ is what Eli and I had been reduced to? Talking about the last four months of our lives in general, abstract terms, when I wished I could know every detail of every single one of his days. I hated all the…_space_ that seemed to exist in between us, and what I hated even more was that I had no idea how to bridge it.

"Did you apply to universities yet?" he asked, and as the waitress stopped by he asked if I wanted to a drink or anything. I looked over at my mom and she gestured that she was all right and that I should take my time, and at the bar Eli's parents were having a glass of wine and chatting closely – they also looked comfortable, so I accepted and asked for an ice tea as Eli ordered a Coke.

"I did – I applied to U of T, Queens, and UBC," and I saw the look on Eli's face turn from a smirk to a look of confusion.

"Are you dating him again? He's dangerous, Clare," he said, barely getting the words out as I saw his fists clench.

"What? Oh, no, God, no. I forgot he even goes there," I honestly responded, "I just wanted to apply to a school that wasn't in Toronto, but not as far away as Vancouver," I explained as the waitress returned with our drinks.

I saw he relaxed a bit, but he still wouldn't meet my gaze, as he said, "So you're leaving town for school," and I hated how this was all going wrong.

"No, I don't want to, U of T is my first choice, but it's really competitive, so I just want to have all of my bases covered, just in case," I told him, and I saw the tension seep out of his body as he heard about how much I wanted to come to U of T, and a slow smirk spread across his face.

"I can't believe you're worried about getting in, Edwards. If _I_ got in, you're _definitely_ getting in," he said, shaking his head in amusement. "And you're gonna love it, it's a great school and the campus is pretty awesome if I dare say so myself," he added.

"Oh really? Maybe I'll need the exclusive campus tour before I can make my final decision," I heard myself say before my brain could catch up with my mouth.

Just as quickly, however, I heard Eli reply nonchalantly, "Oh, I think that can definitely be arranged. As soon as that early acceptance letter comes, tour's all yours," and I wanted to reach over the table and hug him right then and there, but I controlled myself and just gave him a huge smile in return. He flashed me his signature smirk and took a sip of his Coke and I could practically feel my face blazing, so I moved to push my bangs out of my face in an attempt to hide it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eli lightly chuckling and I knew I had failed. He was enjoying this, but so was I.

"I'm gonna hold you to that, Goldsworthy," I said in a strict tone and Eli raised his hands in front of chest in a defensive gesture as he laughed.

I didn't want this moment to end, but I didn't want to keep him away from his parents for too long, as I knew they missed him, so I said, "I'll let you get back to your family dinner, but it was great to see you, Eli," and he responded, "It'll be _even better _to see that early acceptance letter, I bet," as I shot back, "And _even better_ to get my exclusive tour," and he flashed me yet another smirk as I turned around and walked back over to my mom.

I could still feel the heat radiating off of my face and as she asked me "Well?" and I promised I would tell her everything at home, afraid Eli would hear me have a total giggly moment with my mom.

_This was a good night. _

**Please let me know what you thought/predict/would like to see happen in a review!**


	15. Born to Fly

**Hi lovely readers! I love hearing your thoughts on this story so much, and I loved the last set of reviews where you told me what you would like to happen. I am pleased to say that we think along the same lines!**

**I know I said this will be last chapter of Clare's gr 12 year/Eli's 1****st**** year at U of T but some things changed, and that year will actually be 4 chapters. But in an attempt to make up for my lack of foresight, I'm going to put up 2 chapters because the one after this one has something people said they would like to see. **

**A special thank you to all my fantastic reviewers MelissaIsLame, CheapNovelty, StalkerAngel, Cool Person (your message made me smile so much!), musiksnob (I love your suggestion in regards to their tour, but it's too soon – but there is an homage to your idea in this chapter), TJ Binx, krazyqt392, and my new friend MaddieLovesEclare!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Clare's POV**

"I think she might like…this one," I said to Adam, pointing to an image of a delicate anchor necklace on my laptop. Lana's birthday was coming up and Adam said she wanted to buy her something that reminded her of California and the ocean, and his comment made me instantly remember this collection of jewellery I had seen in which every piece was inspired by something nautical.

Adam smiled when he enlarged the image and told me, "It's perfect! I could really see her wearing that, you know. Thanks for helping me out with all this girly stuff, Clare," he said with a laugh.

"Anytime, Adam. What are you guys doing next Friday night?" I asked him, knowing that the Lana topic was always one he'd be happy to stay on…he'd talk about that all day long if he could.

"Well, seeing how we have the day off because it's a pro-day and Lana only has two classes on Fridays, we were just going to go to catch a movie during the day and just hang out, and then I'm taking her to a nice dinner downtown – she said she wanted to keep things simple because she's heading into finals pretty soon," he explained.

"That sounds so nice Adam! I'm sure you two will have a great time. It's so weird she has to study for finals when we have spring break. Are you excited she'll be done so soon?" I questioned him.

"Yes. Oh my God, yes. But you're right – it'll be so weird. I'll still be in class for May and half of June, while Lana will finish all her finals on April 28th. And Eli finishes even earlier – on the 22nd," he said, and I felt my heart sink.

"He finishes finals on April 22nd? He has to be completely on his game on _that_ day? That's the worst timing in the world!" I exclaimed, shutting down my laptop promptly.

"I…know. I asked him about that and he said it's an 8:30am final and that he'd just have to pretend that April 22nd doesn't actually start until noon that day or something, which sounds totally weird, but at the same time it also kind of makes sense, you know?" he asked, but I frowned in response.

"I don't like this, Adam. It's a Saturday too, that makes no sense!" I pointed out, checking the calendar on my phone.

"I know, U of T does Saturday exams, isn't that so lame? But Clare, don't worry, Eli will be prepared, he assured me. Besides, he hardly mentions…Julia anymore," he softly said.

"That doesn't mean that that day will be any easier for him," I pointed out, and then I blurted out, "What about me? Does he mention me?" I needed to know after what happened two years ago on April 22nd; I knew that this day now represented a double loss for Eli.

Adam turned around to look me directly in the eye and he softly said, "Yeah, he does. He tries not to, I can tell, but he slips up a lot, and it's really obvious he misses you. Clare - I think you guys should talk every now and then. I'm not saying date him again. But don't you miss being friends with him? I know I miss all of us hanging out, and I really wish Lana could've seen what a fun thing we all had and that she could be a part of it too," Adam said with a sigh.

"He offered to give me a campus tour," I told Adam and he smiled in response.

"Well, you should take him up on that offer. I know that small initiative on his part might seem like nothing, Clare, but that's actually Eli putting himself out there quite a lot actually…he's still pretty into that promise he made you, you know," he told me.

"Maybe…it's time for us to let that promise go. I don't see why he has to be so keen on staying away from me now that we don't even go to the same school. And I wouldn't mind…getting a tour from him, seeing what his life at U of T is like," I admitted to Adam.

"You should tell him, Clare. He's made you the offer, and that's a big step for him, so just tell him. He'd do it in a second," Adam said.

"I know he would," I responded as a smile spread on my face. "We kind of have a deal, I'm waiting for my acceptance letter," I pointed out.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, don't even mention those. I'm waiting for mine too – and this is the week they're supposed to come damn it! I really hope I get into U of T…I don't know how Lana and I could do long distance…if she'd even want to," Adam was mumbling.

"Adam – you'll get in. And don't worry about those other problems until it's time to, okay? We'll cross that bridge when – and if - we ever come to it," I pointed out and he gave me a shy smile in response as he agreed.

We want back to working on our math problems and a little while later I could see Mrs. Dawes approaching the cafeteria lady and ordering a tea. I missed seeing Mrs. Dawes every other day; she was my favourite teacher at Degrassi. On her way back she stopped and greeted both Adam and I and told us she really misses having us in her class, and even complained that her grade 12 Advanced English class this year wasn't nearly as good as ours. Adam and I both smiled, pleased with this tidbit of information.

"Actually, Clare, do you mind coming to my room for a bit? There's something I need to give you," she said, and I shot her a puzzled look. Did she still have one of my assignments from last year or something? I said a quick goodbye to Adam who also gave me a confused look and I walked with Mrs. Dawes into the familiar classroom that held so many memories for me.

"Thanks for coming with me, Clare. I didn't want to give you this in front of Adam," she said with a smile, as she reached into her filing cabinet and handed me a stapled set of papers, with a small Canadian flag at the top and the Province of Ontario logo in the corner. I recognized them immediately.

"Have you thought about applying, Clare?" she asked, and I gave her a shy smile in response.

"A few times, but I really am not sure," I told her.

"Well, be sure. I am, you know. Your schoolwork is excellent and you've always been so involved with extra-curriculars. And this year in particular, your expansion of Project Love has been impressive," she continued.

"Mrs. Dawes, that project might not really make it off the ground – I don't think I'll be able to get all the funding I need," I admitted, my headache returning instantly. More time had gone by and people were just not participating, and I couldn't finish the packages. Every morning, I'd check and check, and announce it and announce it, but it was just not happening.

"Don't lose hope, Clare. Maybe try some new ideas," she suggested, and as great of a technique as that was, what new ideas exactly? I was all _out_ of ideas, that was the problem!

Mrs. Dawes added, "Regardless of what happens with Project Love, Clare, I still think – no, I know – you should apply for the scholarship. Would you like me to write one of your letters of recommendation, because it would be my pleasure," she said with a warm smile.

"I would be so grateful, Mrs. Dawes," I admitted, letting out a breath I wasn't even conscious I was holding in.

"Great. Come by next week to pick it up, and make sure you ask two other teachers, or Principal Simpson maybe, for one as well – you'll need three," she said. "Clare, fill the application out with confidence – every student that I've encouraged to apply before has won it, and I know this tradition will continue with you. Last year, Eli won it – did you know that?" she asked me, not a sign of hesitation on her face.

"I did, I was there," I told her, and she smiled in return. I didn't think telling her the specific reason why I was there would help things, and…it felt nice to say that I was at Eli's graduation, regardless of the circumstances.

"Very well, then. Your writing partnership produced excellent work, you know. Do you how Mr. Goldsworthy is doing at U of T?" she pursued, and I knew I couldn't deceive her any more, however innocent it was on my part.

"I…don't talk to him much. I ran into him when he came home for Christmas and we chatted a bit, and he seems to be doing really well, actually. Keeping busy," I said, somewhat awkwardly.

"Well, that sounds good. Anyway, this isn't about him really – it's about you, and how I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you now that I know you'll be officially applying," she replied with a smile before we exchanged good-byes and I re-joined Adam in the caf.

"Everything cool with Dawes?" he asked, already starting to pack up his things as school was almost out.

"Yeah, she just had to give me something," I said, not wanting to make Adam feel awkward about the whole thing.

"You ready to go to the mall?" I asked him, knowing he might like some company – he was going to shop for Lana's present right after school.

"Oh, thank God, I thought I'd have to brave the jewellery store by myself," Adam said with a huge sigh of relief as I giggled in response.

"Now, Adam, what are friends for?" I asked him with a laugh as we headed off.

A few hours later, a very excited Adam walked me home, carrying a delicate pink box which contained the anchor necklace that I suggested. He thanked me profusely before he headed home himself.

As I went into the living room, I could see my mom at her laptop on the couch but she immediately got up when she heard me come in.

"Clare, honey – don't get too nervous, but some mail came for you today," I heard her gently say, but I was immediately somewhat petrified. _College admissions_.

"Mom, where is it? Let's open it!" I urged her, and she handed me three envelopes with a huge grin on her face, pointing out, "The _big _envelopes, sweetheart. This means you got into every school that you applied to".

"Mom, we don't know if that theory is anything beyond a funny joke," I said, my hands shaking as I clutched the envelopes and tried to steady my nerves. "Which one first?" I asked her, studying each of the envelopes – UBC, Queens and U of T.

"Okay, okay – your last choice first and then your first choice last; that's the way to do it," my mom said, jumping up and down a little. How could she be so sure that just because I was sent big envelopes that meant that I was admitted to all the schools? Maybe admissions boards were evil and just liked to print big fat **NO**s on really big paper.

"All right then, UBC first. I don't want to go quite that far. Vancouver's gorgeous, let's save it for the holidays, though," I muttered, fruitlessly trying to calm myself down.

I ripped the envelope open and I pulled out lots of shiny brochures and a letter that started off….

_Dear Clare Edwards, _

_ We are pleased to offer you admission to the Bachelor of Arts program at our Vancouver campus…_

And that was as far as I got into the letter before I told my mom, "Okay, I got it. Vancouver's not so far after all," I told her as I realized that if I had to go there, I would.

"Next one, next one," my mom said impatiently.

"Okay, Queen's," I said, with a frown. I knew it was a big school, but _his_ presence there kind of made that entire school feel gross now. Poor Queen's, it doesn't deserve that, I thought as I ripped this second envelope open.

_Dear Clare Edwards, _

_ We are pleased to offer you admission to the Faculty of Arts and Sciences program at our Kingston campus…_

"I got into Queen's too," I told my mom and I saw her smile get wider, most likely due to the fact that Queen's was only a few hours away from Toronto by car, a big difference from the six and a half hours of flying time needed to get to UBC's Vancouver.

"All right, darling, now…the one we really want," she said.

"Okay, okay. Here we go," I said, but I couldn't do it. Ripping the other letters was so easy, but now my nerves had gotten the best of me.

"What are you waiting for, darling?" my mom asked. I knew she was just as impatient as I was, but she was nowhere near as nervous as me.

"I'm worried mom. U of T's standards are a bit higher than those of the other schools'," I admitted.

"Clare, be the confident girl I know and open your huge envelope so you can stop stressing already," my mom said with a look of assurance and slight amusement on her face. She was right. The answer was right in that envelope and I have been working for it for years and waiting for it for months. It was time.

In one seamless motion, I ripped open the envelope and took a deep breath as I read,

_Dear Clare Edwards, _

_The University of Toronto is pleased to offer you admission to the Faculty of Arts and Sciences program at our downtown Toronto campus…_

And as soon as I read those words, I began jumping up and down with excitement and my mom broke out in laughter and gave me a tight hug as she said, "I told you sweetheart, big envelopes always mean good news. U of T it is, then? No last minute change of heart?" she added, a small look of worry displayed across her face.

There was no way I was about to leave the remainder of the family unit that I had left – that much was for sure, so I immediately assured her that the first thing I would do when I would go upstairs to my room would be to log on to my admissions account with the university so I could formally declare my acceptance.

She smiled in return and said, "I'm so proud of you, love. You should call your dad – I'm sure he'd love to hear the news too, and then let's go out to dinner to celebrate tonight!"

"That sounds perfect, mom. Let me just go get changed," I told her, before I headed upstairs.

Ten minutes later, I was officially a confirmed U of T future student. The little bar at the top of my account no longer said "Check Admission Status," but it had now shifted to "Check Registration Status". That's because the next thing I would be doing, at some point in the summer, would be to officially register for university courses! And looking at the U of T online calendar, there were literally hundreds of first-year courses to choose from in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences. There were about a hundred of just English Lit courses! Even if in first year I'd have to take the mandatory prerequisites, in third and fourth year I'd be free to take as many English Lit classes as I wanted! This was all too exciting, and I knew that if I didn't separate myself from my computer now, I could easily spend the entire night just analyzing the reading list of every Lit course. It took all my effort to pull myself away from the beautiful website with photos of excited students reading in the sun, surrounded by beautiful old buildings, but I knew my mom was probably waiting for me downstairs by this point.

But in all my giddiness, I knew there was one more thing I needed to do in order for all of this to feel right. In this moment I didn't care about whether or not I had the right to do this anymore, because it was like a curtain had been lifted from my vision and I could think clearly again.

_He would want to know_ was the only thing running through my mind as I pulled out my cellphone and made my way down my contacts list to a number that I hadn't dialled in so long. A number that was completely gone from my call log, from my text message inbox and outbox – but not for long. I didn't stop to think if he might or might not be in class – _he would want to know. _

"Clare?" I heard a raspy voice say at the other end, clearly surprised to hear from me. "Are you all right? Where are you, I'm coming to get you," he immediately said, making me remember that the second to last time that we had talked, I told him I would call him if I was ever in trouble. Oops. This is not what this was.

"No, no, I'm fine, Eli, it's not like that at all. I'm calling because I have happy news. News I want you to know. In fact, you're the first person besides my mom to know," I told him.

"Really?" he said, a hint of smugness and amusement in his voice. "Shoot".

"I'm calling to take you up on that campus tour. I think that as a _future U of T student_, it wouldn't hurt to get a head start on knowing my way around that huge place," I said, mirroring his smugness and amusement as best as I could.

"Wow! That's fantastic news, Clare! Congratulations! I _knew_ you could do it!" he said with a laugh.

"Are you going to be an honest man and stay true to your word there, Eli?" I teased him.

"Wouldn't dream of anything else. Really, though - this is awesome. I'm so glad you called," he said, his tone turning from excitement to serious.

"Well, I just wanted you to be the first to know," I softly admitted. "Just the way we imagined, remember?" I blurted out, not being able to keep it in any longer.

"Yeah. I remember," he softly said, and I wondered if the memory of the two of us sitting on Morty's hood imagining the moment in which I would finally be able to join Eli at university was also playing through his mind.

After a few seconds of silence, Eli said, "So, when are you coming out here, Edwards? I owe you one official insider's campus tour," and I couldn't help but giggle in response.

"I have a pro-day next Friday," I shyly told him.

"Next Friday it is then! I only have two classes that day – wanna sit in on them as part of the official student experience? Without all the fun of actually _doing the work _for those classes, obviously. The first one is my favorite class too, it's 2nd year English. Then I have history, which is also a pretty good class. But we don't have to go to them if you don't want to. Believe it or not, I'm yet to skip a class this semester, so I could afford to miss one," he said.

"Wow, I _am _impressed you didn't decide to take off not even once," I said, but he playfully interrupted, "Well, public embarrassment is no fun on your own," and I let out a few giggles.

What he had said was really bittersweet though. I knew that loneliness feeling all too well. But next Friday I could do a whole bunch of fun U of T things with him, I reminded myself, as I told him "But no, I really really want to come to your classes. I'm so curious to see what they're like," I admitted. "But would your profs be okay with having a random person show up all of a sudden?"

"You're not a random person, Clare," he said. Did his voice just crack? He continued, "and I'll work it out with them, don't you worry. My history class is a lecture, it has over one hundred people in it, so it definitely won't matter in that one, and I'll just ask my English prof, I'm sure he will say yes, he's a pretty chill dude. Oh my God, you're gonna love his lectures. We're doing _Hamlet_ right now, I just know you'll have a great time".

"I know so too," I immediately told him, and I couldn't help but squeal, "I'm so excited!" and I could hear Eli laughing in response.

"Thank you, Eli," I slowly said, my voice laden with emotion.

"Anytime, Clare," he responded, echoing what he said to me that night at Mont Tremblant. "So, what time should I pick you up? My English class isn't until 11, but a campus tour is a big deal at U of T, it's so huge, and I know how you don't like to do things halfway, so maybe we should get an earlier start than that," he suggested.

"Eli, you don't have to drive all the way over here just to pick me up," I pointed out. It didn't make much sense for him to get up early and drive back from rez just to come get me. Or…so I'd been used to justifying when it came to rides lately.

"Are you kidding me?" he asked incredulously. "That's ridiculous; in what universe would I not come pick you up? I'm supposed to let you take the street car? Not happening, Edwards," he strictly said and I could feel my eyes tear up at his reaction. _This was my Eli._

"Umm, all right, if it's not too much of a bother," I started, but he cut me off, "Clare, you need to stop thinking like that. What time should I be at your house?" he asked, and I decided to stop arguing with him over this silly detail. Eli _wanted to_ drive me.

"Would nine o'clock be okay?" I shyly asked him.

"Nine o'clock would be perfect," he assured me, and then he added in a humorous tone, "Wear comfy shoes. It's a big place!"

"I will. Anything else I need to bring?"

"Nope, I'll have everything we need. You just bring your beautiful self," I heard him say and I giggled in response as immediately after he slipped he was stuttering, "Oh man, sorry Clare, I – sorry - it just – sorry - I didn't mean to – I know I don't have the right…" but I just laughed in response as I said, "Don't worry about it. See you on Friday, Eli!".

"See you Friday," he said before we both hung up.

I changed into my dress and practically skipped down the stairs where I saw my mom waiting for me.

"Are you ready, future U of T girl?" she asked me with a smile.

"Sure, mommy. Mom…I just…called Eli," I told her. The nervousness was finally catching up with me.

"Oh! Well - that's good, honey. Were you calling him to let him know your good news?" she coyly asked me.

"Yeah. He goes there, remember?" I asked her.

"I remember," she said, casting me a funny glance. "He's a good boy, Clare…maybe he can show you around, give you a few tips – he's planning major in English too, right?" she continued, and I knew that tone. It was the I'm-not-going-to-say-what-I'm-thinking-but-just-strongly-imply-it tone that Darcy and I were so familiar with.

"Yeah, he is," I confirmed, "and that's why I called. When we saw him at Little Miss Steaks that day in winter break, he told me he'd give me a tour, and I wanted to take him up on his offer. I'm going there on my pro-day next Friday," I told her, and I saw her unsuccessfully trying to suppress a smile.

"That's good news, honey. I can drive you over there in the morning," she said.

"Oh - not necessary mom, Eli insisted on picking me up," I told her.

"He did, didn't he? Well, as he should. Nice to see a young man acting like he should," she said suggestively, and by this time I could feel my cheeks heat up.

I think my mom picked up on my embarrassment as she started to walk out the door and told me, "Don't forget to call your dad and let him know about U of T as well, sweetie, I know he's waiting just as impatiently as I was," and it touched me to see my parents be united over this. But – major oops on my part. Call Dad. Right. Kind of let that slip my mind for a few minutes there in all that excitement.

**Eli's POV**

Right. Just go in. I've been to plenty of office hours before. Dr. Gifford might be a little scary, but I did e-mail him to let him know I'd be dropping by, so there was no bailing now, I concluded as I gently knocked on the door.

"Come in," I heard him say, and I did just that.

"Eli. Nice to see you. How are you doing? That was a fine term paper you wrote," he said, and my nerves eased up a bit.

"Thank you Dr. Gifford. I really liked my topic," I told him.

"So…do you have a question about the final exam?" he asked.

"Well, actually not really - the instructions you gave us in class were very clear. I'm here to ask you if something would be okay," I started.

"What is it, Eli?" he pursued.

"One of my good friends from high school just got admitted into U of T, into our faculty, and I was hoping she could sit in on our class next Friday," I told him, hoping he'd say yes and wouldn't have some sort of problem with this that I didn't anticipate. I continued, "You see…I kind of want her to come to your class especially, because I want her to get a good impression of the programs here, and your year-long class has been my favorite across both semesters," I admitted.

"Thank you, Eli. Why, I don't see a problem with that at all. What is this young lady's name, I'll just make a note in my scheduler here – I'll add her name to the attendance list that day so when I do roll call we can give her a bit of a fright," he said with a chuckle, much to my surprise. _Dr. Gifford wanted to pull a sort of prank on Clare?_ I couldn't be more surprised if an elephant were to drop out of the sky and into his office in this moment.

"Um, Clare - Clare Edwards," I stumbled, still reeling a bit in shock.

"Great. Does Miss Edwards like literature?" he asked.

"Oh, she loves it. She'll most likely apply to be an English Lit major too," I told him.

"Perfect, I hope my class doesn't disappoint. Speaking of English majors, I was in that program admissions meeting yesterday. We were only dealing with the first few letters of the alphabet, we'll get around to the rest next week, but is your name on the list of applicants, Eli?" he asked me.

"Yes, Sir, I handed in my application in the first few days that the Department office began taking them," I specified, secretly glad he was asking me. This at least means that when he comes across my application, he'll have some recollection of who I am, right?

"Good, Eli, good. Well, then, if that's all, I look forward to meeting your Miss Edwards on Friday," he said.

"Thank you, Sir. I really appreciate it," I honestly told him.

"Not a problem, Eli. Always glad to give a future student a glimpse of what's to come. Good-bye now".

"Have a nice day, Sir," I said, letting out a deep breath. That went better than I had expected.

After I left the office tower, I decided to go grab a coffee before I'd buckle down in the library for a few hours – I wanted to finish all my work so I could plan Clare's visit in peace. Just as I was waiting in line – everything at this school required waiting in line, and coffee usually had the longest lines of all, much to my chagrin – I felt my phone vibrate and I saw Adam's name flash across the screen.

As soon as I answered, I was met with an extremely loud Adam yelling, "Dude, I got in!" and I could feel a huge smile spread on my face. This was a damn good day.

"That's great news, Adam! Congratulations, man. You can finally get your butt up here in a few months," I told him. "Have you told your lady yet? I bet she's gonna be so happy, and then probably come find _me_ and scream for about 15 minutes straight – so thank you in advance for that very pleasant ear damaging experience," I told him with a laugh.

"Whatever, man. I actually have a question about that. Do you think I should wait and tell her on her birthday next Friday? Make that day a bit more special?" he asked, and I could hear the doubt in his voice.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Adam. That's a week from now. Just tell her; the campus paper will come out with statistics on how many people got admitted into each faculty, average grades and all that. When she sees that, she'll know admission letters went out, and if you don't tell her, she'll think you didn't get in. That'll crush her, Adam," I pointed out.

"Crap. You're right, dude," I could hear on the other line.

"Always am," I said sarcastically, and I knew Adam was rolling his eyes on the other end of the phone.

"Just tell her, Adam, she'll be so stoked. Doesn't mean you still can't have a double celebration thing on Friday," I suggested.

"I will. See you on Friday in the am for a bit?" he asked.

"Yes. Oh, and Adam – I'm giving Clare a campus tour on Friday, so she'll be with us when we have coffee," I slowly informed him, not sure of how he'd react.

"Well – hallelujah," was all I heard on the other line.

"Excuse me?" I replied.

"Hallelujah! Finally, Eli. It's about time you guys talk…try to be friends again, maybe?" Adam slowly asked.

"It's just a tour, Adam. Just helping her out a bit; people do this for third cousins and family friends they've never met," I tried to reason with him.

"Uh huh," he said, not even making an effort to sound the least bit convinced.

"Whatever, dude, just remember that about morning coffee so I can say happy birthday to Lana before you whisk her off. Anyway, don't forget to go online and accept your offer so we can put in our housing application; the double rooms for undergrads go fast so we should get on that," I explained. "And tell Lana already," I reminded him.

"Okay, will do. See you Friday morning," Adam said.

"Okay, bye," I replied and hung up.

After finally getting my coffee, I went back to my dorm so I could grab my laptop and the textbooks I needed for my library session. I stayed in my room for a bit first though, answering a couple of emails from my dad, and I also replied to Daniel's FaceRange message. I was looking at my newsfeed and I smiled at Clare's status. She had changed it to "U of T bound come September," and I really wanted to 'like' it and leave her an encouraging comment but I decided against it. I hated just the vision of seeing her grimace at my name; I didn't want that to ruin her happy moment. I didn't have any idea what would qualify as crossing the line these days; what would be suffocating in the least bit.

But during her visit, I'll definitely squeeze in every bit of U of T fun because she's the one who wants to be here for those hours. And I'm too excited to spend time with her again and show her around this place to be hurt in the least that she might be only doing this because I'm the only person she really knows here. But she knows Sav pretty well, doesn't she? Wouldn't she want to visit him with Alli instead then? Ugh, this is all a little too confusing, I was thinking, but my train of thought was interrupted as I jolted in response to the loud knocking at my door.

"Eli! Eeellllii! ELI! Open up!" I heard, and I rolled my eyes in amusement. _Right on time. _

I opened the door and couldn't help but laugh at her flushed face. She had clearly run here from her own rez.

"Did you hear? Did you hear? DID YOU HEAR? He got in! HE GOT IN!" she said as she reached forward and gave me a sudden hug.

"I heard, I know. I'm really stoked he'll finally be here. It's gonna be awesome," I told her, as she kept bouncing around my room. "And I'm really happy you guys can be in the same place again, he hates the distance," I told her in a more serious tone as she settled down.

"Thank you, Eli. I'm really glad we made it all this time without getting too upset about the whole distance thing. Hey, you know, Eli, I was wondering if the next time the three of us hang out, I could bring my friend Racheal," and I shrugged in response. Lana didn't need my permission to bring another friend to hang out with us, and I thought it was a bit strange she felt she had to ask before.

She sat down on my bed as she continued, "She's in first year too, and she wants to major in Creative Writing, she said. She's in my running club, and she also likes comics, and…." Lana was saying as I realized what was going on here. She shyly looked up at me as she said, "So, I was thinking she'd like to meet you, you know? I really think you'll hit it off, and we could do like a group hang out thing soon, you know?" she asked.

"Lana…" I told her as I let out a huge sigh. I thought she knew better than that.

"Sorry, Eli. Just a thought, that's all," she said regretfully. I immediately felt bad; I had single-handedly managed to ruin an incredibly happy moment for her – I needed to fix this.

"I'm sorry, Lana. Of course your friend can hang out with us, you don't even need to ask me ahead of time or anything, you know? But I just…I don't see myself doing that – dating someone – for a while. It just wouldn't be a good idea," I tried to explain.

"Eli, you're a really nice guy. You're smart and funny and you'd treat a girl right. You're the type of guy girls love. I just don't want you deluding yourself into thinking that you're like…bad for a girl, or that being with you would be bad news for a girl. Because that's just not true," she said, looking directly at me. I knew Lana was a smart girl and now I just realized that she had picked up on some of my fears when it came to relationships.

"I know the two relationships you've had were….intense, Eli. But I don't think it's fair to keep blaming yourself for what happened. We all learn lessons from every relationship we have, and for what it's worth, I think you've done so well in light of what happened, made so many positive changes. It's really amazing, Eli," she said with a warm smile.

"Thank you, Lana. That means a lot to me," I honestly told her.

"Well, it's the truth. And…I'm sorry I tried to push you into anything. I promise I won't do it again," she said.

"Hey, don't worry about it. How about we go grab come lunch to celebrate Adam's good news, okay?" I asked her, and I was relieved to see her unable to contain her smile at that thought, and I rolled my eyes playfully at her in response. These two will drive me crazy next year, but every time I hung out with Lana she texted Adam at least once, so I knew the past months have been really hard on her.

"That sounds great Eli," she agreed.

"Cool. I need to have a library session after that, if you want to join," I informed her.

"Oh my God – yes. I desperately need to get this paper for my sociology class written. How about I grab my books and we meet in the dining hall in ten, all right?" she said, and I nodded in response.

I was really glad that the little discussion Lana and I had didn't affect our friendship or make things awkward at all after that day. We had dinner together and hung out and did homework together like we always did, and one time she brought her friend Racheal as well, and I was glad that wasn't awkward either. I'd met a lot of people since starting at U of T – everybody did, especially if you lived in rez. Racheal was nice, and it was nice to talk to someone about some Creative Writing courses – I planned on getting a double major in English Lit and in Creative Writing, which meant I'd have to take a Creative Writing course in the summer as I couldn't fit one in my regular semesters. Racheal gave me some hints about which profs' courses to take, and I told her a bit about the English Lit courses in return. I think Lana had talked to her previously and didn't encourage her into thinking something would be happening between us, because she didn't cross any lines or showed any interest beyond just general friendliness, nor did she slip any future plans into conversation. I wouldn't mind being friends with her, but I'd hate to lead her on, so making immediate plans to see her again just didn't seem like a good idea.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review!**


	16. Fly With Me

**Hi lovely readers! I love hearing your thoughts on this story so much, so I really hope you let me know your opinion in a review.**

**I know I said this will be last chapter of Clare's gr 12 year/Eli's 1****st**** year at U of T but some things changed, and that year will actually be 4 chapters. This is the third. It's a nice long chapter that will help you learn a bit about U of T as well!**

**A special thank you to all my fantastic reviewers MelissaIsLame, CheapNovelty, StalkerAngel, Cool Person, musiksnob, TJ Binx, krazyqt392, and my new friend MaddieLovesEclare!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

The rest of the week went by in a flash, as I had two term papers due and a few assignments here and there. My last major thing to hand in was due on the Thursday morning before Clare's visit, so after I handed that assignment in to my political science prof, I spent the rest of my time getting organized. I wanted Clare to have a nice fun visit that would also help her know a bit more about the school before she actually came here next year. Now that thought…Clare being here next year – it unnerved me a bit. Knowing that I wouldn't run into her brought me a lot of sadness this year, but in a way it had also made things pretty calm for me. It made it so much easier to convince myself that I now had my own things to do, and that maybe a day would come when she wouldn't cross my mind.

U of T had 60 000 students, so I knew I wouldn't see her nearly as much as I used to at Degrassi, but she would be in the same faculty as me, meaning she would spend a lot of her days in the same buildings and general area of campus. I'd already run into a lot of Degrassi students here, so I knew I'd see her around. She probably wouldn't be in any of my classes, because there was so much choice at university, and I'd be in 300-level English courses next year, while if she opted to use her credit from Mrs. Dawes' class she would be in 200-level classes. I knew that once she passed that level though, and got into the English Lit major, it didn't matter if you took 300 or 400 level courses at the same time, or in a different order – so we might have classes together after her first year - but that was still a year away. A lot could happen in a year, as I very well knew. She might completely forget me by then…it's a possibility.

These were the kind of thoughts that were circling through my brain as I laid there in my bed on Friday morning, twenty minutes before my alarm was set to go off. When it finally did, I decided I didn't want to think like that today – I wanted to be happy. I wanted to forget about all the terrible things I brought into our relationship, about the horrible way it came crashing down, and I just wanted a fun day where I could show Clare around this beautiful campus. I got dressed quickly, putting on a pair of black jeans and a gray button-down shirt. It was still a bit chilly outside so I opted for my plain leather jacket over the one with more zippers. I made my way out of my building and towards the parking lot.

I made sure to turn the heat on in the car because Clare always seemed to get cold so easily, and there was a definite typical Toronto chill in the air today. The drive to her house was only about twenty minutes long, but I had left a little early in order to ensure that I wouldn't be late so I decided to wait in the car for a few minutes before knocking on her door. I started to get a little nervous as I was waiting though – it had been so long since we had hung out one on one for an extended period of time. The last time was when that horrible thing happened to her at Mont Tremblant, a really confusing night that I'm not sure that I'll ever fully process.

My thoughts were interrupted, however, by the sound of her door opening and _there she was_. I took a deep breath – she looked so radiant as always. Had she seen my car? She was walking out with her mom, though. Did I get the day wrong? No, it was Friday – I'd handed in my poli sci paper yesterday and that was _definitely _due Thursday.

My heart sunk as I realized she probably forgot all about this and made other plans with her mom. I felt so silly – I have been preparing and looking forward to this day for so long, and clearly it didn't mean that much to her. I was thinking that I should just drive away when I saw her mom give me a small wave. Well, there's no way out of this now, I thought nervously. I stepped out of the Jeep and desperately racked my brain for some lame excuse as to why I was outside their home at 9am.

"Hi Eli, nice to see you again," her mom warmly said. "I hope you can give Clare some useful hints about life at U of T today. I tried, but it's just been so long since I've been there; it must be so different now," she continued, as I let out a deep breath. I wasn't crazy; this was happening today after all.

"Hi, Eli," Clare said with an electric smile that made me slightly weak in the knees. I'd been so long since I'd seen it directed my way, and I told myself I needed to get it together if I was going to give her that fun day that I had planned after all.

I smiled back at the both of them and said, "Hi, Clare," and I addressed her mom, "Good morning, Ms. Edwards. I'm just going to show her around campus, and she's coming to the two classes I have today as well. I'll tell her everything I know," I told her and she gave me a smile in return.

"Well, good - have fun, you two. I'm off to work; Clare was just walking me out and then we noticed you were already here, so good timing. Don't get Eli in trouble in class, Clare," her mom teased and both of us laughed in return.

"Bye mom," Clare said warmly as her mom got in her car.

"Take good care of her like you always used to, Eli," Ms. Edwards said, shooting me a poignant look.

"I will, Ms. Edwards," I told her before she drove off, turning to Clare after to tease her, "If she'll let me," and she giggled in response.

I glanced at her as I asked, "You ready? You _look_ ready – beautiful and so…collegiate," I pointed out, taking in her dark skinny jeans, flowered shirt, navy blazer, and one of those huge wrap around scarves. I told her, "All the girls on campus wear those kind of scarves, you know - you'll fit right in," with a puzzled look; you'd have to be blind to not notice that those scarves were like some kind of uniform around U of T, but girls' fashion wasn't really my thing.

I seemed to get this one right though, because she grinned, making her eyes seem even more shiny, and said, "Thanks. Collegiate is what I was going for, actually," ending her sentence with a small giggle as she straightened her blazer.

I held the passenger door open for her and she got in, and I walked around the car and got into the drivers' seat as Clare was putting her seatbelt on.

She settled into her seat, placing her leather purse on her lap as she said, "Oh, it's so nice and warm in here, I love it. It's so chilly outside this morning".

"It is. I just hope it doesn't rain, that would put a huge damper on the whole tour thing," I said with a frown.

"That would be so sad," she said, and I could detect the disappointment in her voice.

I tried to reassure her, "Don't worry, the forecast said it shouldn't, and even if it does, we'll just adapt our tour to include a lot of indoor things. There are tons of those to see anyway," and she flashed me a small smile.

"So, when do I get to know the itinerary?" she playfully asked.

"That's classified information, Edwards," I told her. I wanted to keep the surprise element to a lot of the things we'd be doing.

Clare was never one to be underestimated though, and she flashed me a cute little pout that I never was quite able to resist.

"Don't you dare," I warned her, fully aware that she knew exactly what she was doing, and she giggled in response. "All right, all right – you get _one _hint. The first thing we'll be doing will include seeing someone you probably saw just yesterday," I gave in.

"Adam! And Lana, I hope, I brought her a box of chocolates for her birthday," she told me.

I flashed her a smirk as I said, "Damn, there's no getting anything past you, Clare," and she laughed again, saying "Nope," with a popping sound.

She reached into her bag and said, "Well, if you won't tell me, I'm just going to have to guess," and she pulled out a campus map as I shook my head in amusement. I recognized the map she had, and it wasn't a very good one; it just had major landmarks on it, so I knew it wouldn't bring her much success.

"Okay, are we going to Back Campus?" and I couldn't help but give her a little laugh, "Back Campus isn't a particular place – it's more like an area. And nope, we're not going there".

"Front Campus?"

"Nope".

"I don't understand. What other areas are there? Right and Left?" she asked, her voice laden with confusion.

I explained, "Well, if you look out your window right now, you'll see we're going down St. George's Street, and Front and Back Campus are both coming up on your side up ahead. Those are names that the university kept from a long time ago, and over the years it expanded a lot; the campus includes everything from Bay Street on the far left over there, to Spadine Avenue on the right, Bloor Street up top, and College Street is the lower limit," I told her, as she nodded in understanding.

"That's huge," she slowly said.

"That's how I felt on my first day too, but honestly, after a few weeks you start to learn it quite easily and by now, I know it all, so I'm sure it'll take you even less time. And we'll get you a better campus map than that one – I actually have one for you in my bag. The detailed maps are great, really easy to read – saved my butt for the first few weeks. Plus, people are really nice if you ask for help, you just gotta develop an eye for picking out an older student and asking them," I tried to reassure her.

"Oh, like you?" she cheekily asked.

"Hey, I'll have you know I've been asked for directions a few times and I knew exactly how to guide the people asking, and _technically _I'm still a first year," I pointed out.

Clare laughed in response, and I adored being around my favourite sound again, even if just for a few moments. "You know, Eli," she said a little wistfully, "you do look a little older, now. _You_ are the one who looks collegiate," she added.

"Nope, today, we're _both _collegiate, so I hope you brushed up on your knowledge of _Hamlet_ and of the First World War, because both of the profs I have today like randomly calling on students for answers in class," I said, playing with her a bit.

I saw her eyes widen and she said, "What? Really? Oh my God, Eli, I can't go to those classes, I won't know anything!" and I felt a little bad as she was genuinely scared, so I told her, "I was kidding, I swear. They only call on you if you put your hand up. But I kind of have a feeling you could outclass any of us actually registered in those courses any day," I honestly told her, and she giggled again.

I pulled into a parking spot in one of the central campus parking lots and I saw Clare look around and smile at the hustle and bustle of all the students making their way to their first classes of the day. I knew exactly how she was feeling; I remember feeling the same way on my first day here.

"Okay, so enough suffering now – our first stop is at Bulldog Coffee; it's where you can get the best coffee on campus. I'm here a lot more than I should be, and Lana does a lot of her homework here and sometimes I join her on my Wednesday breaks, so it was only fitting we'd all meet here," I told her, and I saw her give a huge smile to Adam and Lana as we headed over to a table where they were already sitting.

"Adam!" she said, giving him a hug, and then she saw Lana and said, "Lana! It's so nice to see you again, and happy birthday!" and she pulled out a box of chocolates from her bag and handed it to Lana.

"Clare, you shouldn't have! I didn't even expect you to know that it was my birthday," Lana said in surprise.

"Are you kidding me? Adam has been keeping a countdown to it since the start of the month," Clare told her, and I saw Adam get a little embarrassed, which was pretty funny. I could only imagine Clare was dealing with his I-miss-Lana moments just as often as I was dealing with hers back here as well as with Adam's phone calls.

Lana blushed at Adam's comment and said, "I'm so happy both of you guys got in. Next year will be awesome!" and now I was the one to get embarrassed. Lana was assuming the four of us hanging out like this might be the norm for next year, but I highly doubted that.

I pulled out my own birthday present for Lana from my backpack, and she unwrapped it to reveal a collectible edition of the first _Superman_ comic in which her namesake character makes an appearance. She jumped up and down a little, squealing, "I love it Eli! I'm missing this one and it's the first one in which Lana appears," and I laughed in response to her excitement.

"I'm glad you like it, and now you're not missing it anymore," I pointed out, and I saw Clare give me a huge smile. I hope my slight embarrassment wasn't etched on my face.

We spent a little bit of time catching up with Adam and Lana, but I could tell they were getting impatient to start their day together - I noted that Adam hadn't opted to give her the pretty necklace he bought her in this particular present exchange. I could tell that he was waiting for their time alone, so I suggested to Clare, "Do you want to get started on your tour? It's 10, so we have an hour before English class," and she nodded and leaned in closer to me and let out a tiny squeal of excitement as she said, "I really want to," and my heart swelled at her reaction.

"Have fun, Clare!" Adam and Lana said together and we all said our goodbyes before Clare and I left the coffee shop.

There were many students out on the streets, so I told her, "All these crowds will dissipate in a few minutes…there's always a flood of people during the 10 minute breaks we have to switch classes, followed by periods of total calm as courses are in session".

"Where are you taking me first?" she asked, taking in everything around her with wide eyes.

"I thought we'd start with a building you'll probably spend a lot of time in – the SUB or Student Union Building. It's just this way, at the end of the street," I told her as we headed in the correct direction.

"I love all the blossoms on these trees," she said, looking up at them.

"Me too," I admitted, "and then when you come in September there'll be leaves everywhere – college stereotype #1 that U of T fits perfectly," I said and she giggled in response.

"How many 'college stereotypes' does it meet perfectly exactly?" she asked, playfully mocking my tone.

"Guess we'll have to keep count," I responded.

We got to the SUB pretty soon and I began telling Clare about it, "Okay, so this building is really popular with the students and pretty much only with the students and the university staff who work directly with students in clubs and student government and such, but the real reason it's cool is that there's so much that goes down in a relatively small building. It's a good study spot – the tables and couches over there are guaranteed to always have lots of room, there's a Starbucks and couple of other coffee shops that way," I told her, pointing in the correct direction, "and most students don't find out that downstairs pretty much has the best food on campus for a while. And they take your meal card, which means you don't have to eat in residence every day – that gets old pretty quickly. Upstairs you have all the club offices; the second week in September all the clubs will set up booths on all three levels and you can sign up for them then. There's over 300, so I can't really list them all, but there's an official list online. Let's go upstairs, there's a couple of cool things there," I added, and gestured towards the staircase.

Clare's smile had never left her face – I think she liked it here. So far at least.

I led her up the stairs and we walked past the CIUT office, the campus radio station, and through the window you could see a guy talking into a round microphone as the 'On Air' light was on. The lights were dimmed and it was a neat sight, so I pointed it out to Clare and her smile got wider as she whispered, "That's so cool".

After a few minutes she stepped away and softly asked me, "Do you want to work for the station?" and I responded, "I thought about it when I first came here, but I don't think it's for me necessarily – I help out at my dad's station sometimes and that suits me more. I like rock music…this station plays a lot of weird stuff," I said with a frown.

Clare giggled and gave me a sly little look as she said, "Hmm college radio station playing strange indie music – stereotype #2?" and I couldn't help but laugh and add, "Exactly. Now come this way," I guided her, and I hoped she'd enjoy what I had planned next.

"Where are we going?" she asked, but all I told her was, "You'll see, it's just the office around the corner," and when we stopped in front of her I saw her draw in a breath as she read the label on the glass door – '_The Varsity'_. She smiled, "this is the university's paper," and I was happy to see that she recognized it.

"Indeed it is," I told her as I held the glass door open for her.

Clare widened her eyes and said, "We can't just walk into their office, Eli," but I explained, "No, it's okay, we just won't bother them," and she looked at me puzzled.

The thing is, she was right – you couldn't just walk into their office unless you worked on the paper, but I saw a look of realization cross her face as Mathew, my friend from the Centennial Foundation scholarship chapter here at U of T, came up to us.

"Eli! Hey man, good to see you guys made it. I take it this is Clare?" he said, holding out his hand and she shook it in response as I nodded.

Mathew continued, "Nice to have you here, Clare. Eli and I are friends, and I thought you guys could help me out a little today. I'm the news editor at _The Varsity_ here. Sadly, I'm not one of you first years – it's my last year here, which is kind of totally scary. Anyway, would that be cool?" he asked, and I was really happy to see Clare grin in response as she said, "We'd love to".

Mathew guided us over to a light table and explained, "Okay, now Clare, this is tomorrow's paper – it's all set to go, but I was hoping you could do the last task that is typically done before the paper is sent to print – just glue the articles down as these outlines indicate. The print guys will then photocopy that layout and print about 30 000 copies. I have to go to a meeting with the sports editor, so make sure you don't glue anything upside down or my head will be chopped off," he chuckled, and he left shortly after we thanked him.

"Eli, this is so cool!" Clare exclaimed, making me ecstatic that she liked this idea. Clare obviously liked writing, but I couldn't exactly arrange for us to publish a novel, so I figured this was the next best thing. And the paper was kind of genuinely cool on its own, I thought, and by her reaction she seemed to agree.

About fifteen minutes later – we _really _took our time, because we were a little paranoid as this was a task with the potential to have pretty serious consequences – we finished and Clare held the large page up as she said, "Tadaa!" and giggled.

Mathew returned right on time and said, "Awesome – wow, that's actually way more perfect than all of the times I've done it," with a funny frown, "You'd better come back to us in September, Clare," and she laughed in response as she said, "I just might do that".

I glanced at my watch and realized we'd better be on our way if we were going to get to English class in good time, so I thanked Mathew again and told him I'd see him at our chapter meeting next week, and Clare and Mathew exchanged goodbyes.

"That was so much fun," Clare said as we headed down the stairs on the opposite side of the building, and I responded, "It really was – I've actually never been in there before".

We were outside and I had gone on a different route than usual, as I wanted to show Clare a particular building on the way. "Clare, see that building with the big U of T logo and the Welcome banner?" and she nodded in response after glancing at it, and I continued, "It's the Admissions and Awards building; it'll be another important one during your first week. You can pay tuition there, but you should try to do that online because it's really easy and the in-person line-ups are crazy; and it's also where you go to pick up scholarship cheques, and I'm sure you'll have a couple of those, so just a useful place to know".

She smiled in response and said, "Cool. It looks…important". I laughed in response and said, "A lot of the buildings here do. It's a little intimidating, but just as first – after a while, it's just kind of cool that we get to hang out in some of Toronto's oldest buildings," I tried to reassure her.

We had reached the Buchanan building complex, which I definitely had to explain to her. "Okay, so this the Buchanan building – most of the humanities classes are in one of these five blocks; labeled A-E; they're all connected by these little bridges. I had four of my classes in here each semester, so if you're familiar with this building somewhat, you've already won over half the battle. We're in 201, just up on the second floor," I told her, leading the way.

When we got to the second floor, she motioned to go the wrong way, so I gently put my hand on her back to guide her in the right direction and said, "Oops, it's actually this way," and I saw her blush at my touch. I was instantly reminded of the beginning of our friendship – that coy little blush was permanently on her face in those days, and I really missed those simple, joyous times.

"Don't worry about it, I got so many of my classes wrong, and I'm sure I'll keep doing it at the start of each semester. That's the thing – it's like starting over each semester, so don't feel that first years are the only ones lost," I told her with a wink, and she giggled and seemed to relax.

"So, _Hamlet_ class, right?" she asked.

"Yes – we're starting the second act today. The prof's name is Dr. Gifford and he can come off a bit intense, but he is such an intelligent guy, and he's not that scary. Compared to your average first year class, this one is a lot smaller – about 60 people, because it's a second year course. Because it's a smaller class, I talked to the prof and he was happy to hear that you were vising, so don't worry about that at all," I told her as we entered the classroom and I held out a seat next to my usual one for her.

I saw Daniel walk in; I had told him Clare was coming, which just as I originally assumed, led to him asking me a whole bunch of questions that I just didn't really have the answer to. I told him I was just helping her out a bit, but his reaction was pretty similar to Adam's – he didn't seem convinced. I could also tell that he was pretty curious to see her, too, and that didn't exactly thrill me.

I introduced the two of them and was grateful that Dr. Gifford walked in pretty quickly after, and he gave me a small smile as he noticed Clare sitting beside me. He took a few minutes to settle his papers, and I reached into my backpack and handed Clare the U of T clipboard I had picked up for her yesterday.

"Clare, you need to fit in seamlessly today – and if you look around, you'll see most people use these to take notes," and she seemed pleasantly surprised as she said, "Oh, Eli, you didn't have to do that! But I love it, such a pretty shade of blue…and I've kind of always wanted one of these," she shyly said, and I managed to abstain from telling her it was such a _pretty_ shade because it matched her _pretty_ eyes. I noticed Daniel rolling his eyes at our little exchange, turning away to pull out his own clipboard a few seconds later.

Dr. Gifford took his usual place by the podium and said, "Good morning, class. Today we will continue with our study of _Hamlet_, I believe we will move on to the second act of the play. But first, let's do attendance," he added, and I was a little nervous. I didn't want Clare to get totally freaked, but I wasn't in a position to tell Dr. Gifford to not do whatever he wanted to.

He got to the Es in the alphabet but didn't call out her name, which I found a little peculiar. He called out my name, though, and immediately after I heard him say, "Clare Edwards?" and as I looked over, her face got really red as she put her hand up and said, "Here?" in confusion.

Dr. Gifford gave her a warm smile, a rather rare occurrence, and added, "Great, Miss Edwards – glad to have you here today. Class, Clare will be coming to U of T in the fall and she is just joining us today to get a small taste of what is in store for her," and I saw Clare relax a bit at his explanation. I still felt the need to calm her down a little, so I gently placed my hand over hers and whispered, "Sorry, Clare. You okay?" but she gave my hand a squeeze and said, "Don't worry about it," and I could almost feel my heart skip a beat.

Dr. Gifford continued with his lecture, and when he told us to turn to a certain page in our text, I placed my copy of _Hamlet_ on the table, in the middle of Clare and myself so she could see it as well. As soon as I opened it though, I saw Clare glance at my bookmark, and I silently kicked myself – this was the bookmark that matched the Chuck Palahniuk novel we had bought together on our first official date, and there was not a doubt in my mind that she recognized it.

She picked it up and grinned at me though, but I didn't have any time to process her gesture as Dr. Gifford pulled one of his classic Let's-pick-on-Eli-when-he-least-expects-it-moments as he said, "So, Eli? Was _Hamlet_ insane or not?" and I grimaced. Really? This was the topic I had to stay on? Ugh, here goes nothing.

"I don't think it's that cut and dry in the play, but if I had to choose one concrete answer, I'd say – yes, he was".

"Interesting," Dr. Gifford said in response, "why do you think so? And do you think he truly loves Ophelia?"

"Well, he is obviously ill – he believes he sees his father's ghost. I guess it could also be argued to be post-traumatic stress following his father's death if you want to argue that he's _not _insane, but I just don't think that's the perception Shakespeare intended audiences to have. But at the same time, Hamlet's logic throughout the play is very sound; he is able to orchestrate an elaborate plan that plays on guilty conscience in order to reveal the murder his uncle plotted. So even if he is crazy, what I think is important is the way in which he is portrayed as a very sympathetic character; he wins the audience's, or in our case, the readers' affection. His intelligence and loyalty makes him admirable," I explained. "And in regards to Ophelia – yes, I do think he really loved her," I slowly added, "but he doesn't really trust himself around her, and he recognizes he can't really be in a relationship. In his declaration, 'Get thee to a nunnery,' he illustrates that he cares for her well-being and protection, and he is obviously very distraught following her suicide, so yes, I think he does truly love her…he just can't be with her," I finished.

"Good - very insightful answer, Eli," Dr. Gifford told me and he went back to lecturing. Clare gave me a shy smile and I really wished I could put this moment behind me. I'm not Hamlet.

When class ended, Daniel told Clare it was a pleasure to meet her and they said their goodbyes. Once outside the room, Clare gently touched my arm and said, "Eli, that was a really good answer. It's really cool to see you in your classes, you know," and I could feel a brush creep up on my cheeks, so I looked away in an attempt to hide it, but I'm pretty sure Clare saw it regardless of my try.

"Where are we going next?" she asked.

"I thought we'd have lunch. Are you hungry?" I said.

"Sure," she answered, playing with her scarf. "Are we going to your dining hall?"

"I thought we'd do something different; I eat there all the time, and it's great, but it's not that nice," I specified.

"We don't have to go somewhere nice," she shyly said.

"I don't we don't _have to_, but I _want to_," I admitted, "it's not every day that I can have lunch with you on campus," I blurted out, immediately regretting it, but Clare just gave me a sad smile as that adorable bush returned to her face and she slowly gave in, "Okay".

On our way there, we walked through a beautiful cobblestone courtyard where all the surrounding buildings were run over by ivy, and Clare stopped to take a few photos. She was too cute.

I told her, "This is one of my favourite places on campus – its name is 1 Spadina Crescent. It's one of the most historic places at U of T – it once served as a World War Two veterans' hospital," and Clare moved her head a bit to its side in interest as I continued, "Now there's all sorts of science labs, fine art studios and the offices of a few other campus papers; there are 15 different papers in all. But what I really like is this story from its WWII days; apparently a French nurse came all the way over here in search of a Canadian soldier whom she nursed back to health and fell in love with in the process. They had gotten separated after he was transferred when he felt better, but they were reunited in this very sport – right where that fountain was built to commemorate them".

"Really? That's such a beautiful story," Clare slowly said, taking a few pictures of the fountain.

"I know. It really is," I said thoughtfully. I snapped out of my little moment, though, pointing out the restaurant where I wanted to take her.

"It's called 99 chairs, because apparently there's actually 99 chairs in the restaurant; I've never counted though," I informed her. "That place over there, Falcon Bistro, is a nice fancy place, the kind where you're supposed to take your parents – I went there once for an event, and it was really different. When my parents visit me we eat at 99 chairs, but we can go to either place – your choice," I told her. I just wanted her to be happy, I didn't care where we'd eat.

She sarcastically appeared to be thinking about it intensely as she said, "Hmmm. Tough choice," but then she broke out in tiny giggles as she said, "I want to go to 99 chairs but on one condition," she added, pointing her finger at me.

"You wish is my command," I replied, and she got closer to me as she said, "We have to count the chairs!"

"Deal," I promised her.

About an hour later we had indeed confirmed that 99 chairs could honourably keep its name. We had a nice meal where Clare was telling me her opinion of Dr. Gifford and how he was different from high school teachers, and I told her about what to expect in my next and last class. My history prof was a lot more relaxed, and that lecture was huge, so I'm pretty sure it would be a lot less intense than English.

Just as I was holding the door to the restaurant on our way out, I heard someone call my name and turned around to be face to face with Harry, one of the men who ran the scholarship foundation. All the staff worked in Montreal, but they'd visit each chapter to check up on how we were doing and if we ever needed any help. Recently, he had asked me to consider being one of the chapter co-ordinators for next year; both the guy and girl who ran it now were graduating. Apparently, my grant writing experience from Big Brothers 'makes me perfect for the role'. I had finally decided to do it, because the work was interesting – I just told him that I hoped that the other chapter co-ordinator could take care of the more social aspect of things, because that wasn't really my element.

"Hi Harry," I greeted him and introduced Clare and him to each other.

"I didn't know you were in town," I told him and he explained, "Coming in to review scholarship applications from Ontario high school students. I was actually going to shoot you an e-mail, I was hoping you could meet me next week for a bit," he said, and I told him that that would be fine. He could sense that I didn't want to talk longer, I think, as he excused himself and pretty soon Clare and I were walking down Queen's Street to our next destination.

"Before we get to our next spot, Clare – that big blue building over there is the RAWC – the Recreation, Athletics and Wellness Centre. They offer all sorts of stuff, from swimming in their awesome Olympic-size pool to dance classes," I told her, thinking she'd probably like a dance class. "And during the third week of September, all of their classes are free – they call it 'shopping week'- so it works well if you try a class then and then you can join if you like it. Lana spends a lot of time here, she tried so many classes that week and joined a lot of them after," I mentioned to her.

"Adam's so happy he's finally coming here," she said, hearing me talk about Lana.

"I know. I'm so excited to have him here, too. It's been hard on both of them, I think, but they're almost done with the distance thing, so it will only get better," I said with a shrug, and I noticed a look of sadness cross Clare's face.

I hated to see her like that, so I decided to point out a place she might find interesting as we turned down a large avenue surrounded by trees filled with blossoms. "Clare, that building over there, with the tree-like logo on it; it's the Munk School of Global Affairs; all sorts of important people work there I think, but every month they have a really cool guest speaker who gives a seminar on current global issues. It's along the same lines as your Project Love," I added.

Her face fell, though – my plan definitely didn't work. "Ugh, please don't remind me about that," she said, stopping to catch a falling cherry blossom petal.

"Why? I just assumed you'd be running it again this year, it was such a success last year," I justified myself.

"It _was _– but that was last year. This year, people just don't seem to be interested," she said, glancing at the building.

"Well, maybe you need a different approach," I suggested.

"Like what?" she asked, and I could feel her frustration. "I've tried everything," she sighed.

"How many packages do you still need?" I asked.

"Eighty," she informed me. That was not good news; 80 was a lot.

I kept thinking as we walked, and after a few minutes I said, "Maybe you could focus on the grad class; 80 is a good number to do that with. Set a deadline that has to do with a grad deadline – it can be anything. Aren't grad photos coming up? Maybe you could do something where everyone can hand in a package as they get their photo done, something like that?"

A smile crept on her face as she gave me a sweet look and said, "I like that Eli; the idea of putting the responsibility on the grads…it might work," and I couldn't help but smile in return – her smile was absolutely contagious.

"Okay, we're here," I told her, and I led her into the bookstore. She took a while to look at all of the different U of T merchandise, and asked if we could return here right before she left so she could do some shopping, and I assured her that of course we could. I showed her the section I knew she would love and that represented the main reason I came here – the section in which all of the books that were written by actual U of T profs were laid out.

"There's so many…" Clare was whispering as she walked along the bookcase.

"It's pretty neat, isn't it? This one," I said, pulling out a thick book on English medieval literature, "is Dr. Gifford's. A lot of the time, profs will make their own books required course textbooks. Now, textbooks – those are such a pain – they're pretty expensive. The other thing that's important about the bookstore is that it's the place where they will make you your student ID card, right at that photo desk over there," I told her, pointing its location out. I pulled out my wallet so I could show her mine. I handed it over and she looked at it, flashing me a small smirk as she returned it.

"But don't forget your student ID and password, like I did, because they need it in order to make your card. I had to go all the way back to rez to get it, not my brightest moment," I admitted, and she laughed in response, at my 'lack of smooth-ness' as she put it.

We walked out of the bookstore and I told her we'd be going to one of the libraries next, highlighting that U of T had the largest library in the country as well as the second largest university press in North America, playfully mocking the tone and motions of a flight attendant as I pointed out the respective buildings. She dropped her bag from her shoulder in a tiny fit of laughter that thrilled me to no end.

"But the library we're going to is one of the more special ones; I don't study in here; I'm always in the humanities library because in this one people watch you like a hawk." I told her, holding the door open for her, "This is the Thomas Fisher Rare Books Library, you see," I continued as we both walked along the glass bookcases.

Clare was staring in awe at the old manuscripts that lined the shelves, and at one point we separated to go in different directions only to meet again at the end of the room. I guided her towards the bookcase in the middle of the first floor. There were only about five other students in here and a couple of librarians, but we had to keep quiet as this was one of the strictest libraries on campus, so I whispered, "that book right there," I told her as I pointed to a very old manuscript in the biggest case, "is original Shakespearean sonnets as penned by the man himself," and her eyes widened in response. She looked at the book for a long time, an electric smile on her face the entire time. Finally she gestured that she was ready to leave and when we were outside, she shook her head at me and said, "It's almost unbelievable, you know? I always thought you'd have to go to London to see anything original by Shakespeare".

"Me too," I told her, "I was actually really surprised U of T had that. They also have original manuscripts from 60 Canadian authors in there apparently, but I expected that more or less".

"Eli," she said, stopping in the middle of the street, causing me to pause as well. "Thank you. That was lovely," she added, and she lightly touched my arm. Her move flustered me a little and all I was able to do was mumble back something along the lines of "No problem, it was right there, it's not a big deal to take you in".

She pulled her arm back and I instantly felt the loss as she asked me, "Do we have to go to history now?" and I nodded in response. She let out a tiny squeal of excitement.

"Wow. If only I were that excited about _class_," I teased her. "Maybe you should just go to the rest of my classes this semester for me," I said.

"Deal. And you can finish out my year at Degrassi," she shot back.

"Hmm, on second thought, maybe we'll just wait for you to get here," I said, and I regretted that immediately. My biggest fear during this tour was that Clare would feel manipulated by me…like I was trying to possess her when she came here just because it's my school as well. That's not what I was trying to do here, and it would kill me if she perceived it like that.

"Five months," she whispered, and I narrowed my eyes, realizing she's counting down to when she's coming here.

"Clare," I slowly said, "How are things at home? With your parents? Are they going to keep the house when you come live here?" I asked her, hoping I wouldn't upset her.

Her gaze met mine as she gave me a small shrug. "They're all right. My mom and dad still bicker occasionally if they cross paths," and I gave her a sad look when I heard that. "But they are going to keep the house, yeah. My mom says she doesn't want me to feel like I don't have a home to come to on Christmas and on holidays," she added.

"That's perfect, Clare. Good thinking on her part," I softly said.

"I was really glad to hear that when she told me, of course. But they won't be switching back and forth all the time; I think my mom is going to stay at the house while my dad just stays at the condo," she sadly said.

"What's going to happen when you are at home?" I asked.

"Go back to the original schedule, I guess? I don't know, we haven't talked about it much," she mumbled.

"I'm sorry, Clare. I know they got divorced a while ago, but it's still hard, isn't it?" I gently asked her, and she just sadly nodded in response.

I wanted to get our conversation off this sad topic so I said, "Hey, check it out – this little stand always has good coffee, whenever I'm tired or I've had a long day I always get one before history class. Let's go get something, we still have ten minutes, plenty of time to get there," I told her.

"But we've already had coffee," she pointed out.

"Oh, Edwards – so much to learn! _One_ cup of coffee, or latte in your case, isn't enough to get you through a college day!" I sarcastically said.

Clare narrowed her eyes at me and said, "College stereotype #3, Eli" and I was ecstatic to see the little twinkle of excitement return to her eyes.

"My favourite stereotype. Why don't you go sit down and I'll get them," I told her, and I had to move my gaze from her as she walked to a table or else the vision of having Clare here with me would leave me unable to do anything else. It's been nothing but go-go-go since she got here, and I haven't really had a chance to let my feelings catch up to me, and I don't plan on doing that until she's safely at home.

I ordered a coffee and a latte and after I was given them, I went over to the bar so I could add a little bit more milk and a little bit of sugar to Clare's latte. I handed her the cup and as she sipped it she told me it's perfect, looking a little surprised that I had remembered the way she likes it. _It hasn't been that long, Clare._

We then made our way back to the Buchanan building complex carrying our coffees and when I led Clare into my large history lecture hall, I saw her look around with a smile. This room really was your typical, huge university lecture hall. When the professor got to the front of the room, she connected her PowerPoint presentation to the large two screens at the very front and everyone started pulling out their clipboards or laptops.

Clare and I took our seats towards the middle of the room, and a few minutes after Audrey came in and sat on the other side of me, like she usually does.

"Hi, Eli. How's it going?" she cheerily asked me, like she always did.

"Hey Audrey," I replied, "I'm great. This is my friend Clare from high school, she's coming here next year so she's just visiting," I told her, then explaining to Clare, "Clare, this is Audrey. We did a presentation together in this class," and Clare and Audrey exchanged smiles.

"Eli, are you coming to the Fireball?" Audrey asked me, and I replied, "I think I'm gonna sit that one out," and I saw her face fall. I didn't want Clare to feel left out so I explained, "The Fireball is this formal dance they do here every year, on the anniversary of a large fire that wiped out one of the residences," and Clare just nodded in response.

The history lecture was pretty standard, but I hoped Clare would find it interesting. I knew it would be kind of weird to just randomly get thrown into classes for a day, but there wasn't much I could do about the subject matter. Clare didn't look over at me once during the lecture though – she kept her gaze either on the prof, or strangely, on Audrey. I saw her studying Audrey a few times during the class. Did Clare maybe want to get the rest of her tour from a girl? Did she want to hear about parties like the Fireball…I didn't know much about that stuff, and Audrey was in a sorority, so if Clare did want that, Audrey was definitely her girl.

We left the lecture hall and Clare and I said bye to Audrey, as I thought I could always give her a call if Clare wanted to switch me for Audrey; I still had her number from our project. I felt a little awkward now; it was that the return of that horrible feeling during the last few weeks of our relationship where deep down inside I could feel Clare being uncomfortable around me. And just like back then, I desperately wanted it to go away, but I didn't know just what to do about it.

I awkwardly said, "The good thing about U of T in general is that it's right in downtown Toronto, obviously. So sometimes when I feel like I've been in the campus bubble too long, I like to get away to Queen's Street and all the galleries and stores there. A lot of students go out at night there," I continued, hoping I could gage where Clare was at and what had caused her sudden change in mood.

"Do you take Audrey there a lot at night? At the bars there?" she blurted out, immediately blushing after.

"Excuse me?" I replied. That wasn't fair. She didn't get to do this to me.

"I most certainly do not, Clare. Audrey and I don't hang out outside of history class. And I'm not into the whole aimless drinking thing at college you know. College stereotype NOT met, sorry," and as I glanced over I saw her give me a regretful smile. There was something else I needed to say, though. "Clare, I know you think I…don't have values or whatever because of what I did with Julia, because I'm not religious, because I'm like...just _wrong_. But it wasn't like that; I had real feelings for her, you know, and I wasn't forcing her into anything or abusing her or even suggesting we do those things together. I was really young, though, I'm not saying our decision was totally right, but I can't go back and change it now. But I didn't do that with her just for the sake of doing it. I'm not that type of guy, and I don't do those things here, you know," and I could feel tears stinging my eyes. It was really hurtful, but I sometimes believed that Clare thought that just because I wasn't religious, I had no morals…that I was some type of _heartless monster_.

I felt her reaching for my arm, but I moved out of her reach and just sat down on a chair in a lounge area.

"E-Eli, I'm sorry. That's not what I meant, though. I don't see you like that – you actually have the strongest values out of anyone I know. I never doubted that, Eli. I'm sorry, I just…jumped to conclusions about Audrey," she slowly said.

I took a deep breath – I was relieved to hear her say that…does this mean she was _jealous_ of Audrey? I pushed that thought out of my mind for the time being.

"No, Clare, it's okay, you have nothing to apologize about. I'm sorry, Clare, I'm just a bit sensitive to that topic I guess. Ready to continue the tour?" I asked her as I stood up and she smiled in return.

"Okay, I want to take you to see something I think you might like, it's on the other side of campus, closer to Bay Street," I told her.

The walk took us about fifteen minutes, and when we got to the outside of the building Clare read it out loud, "The Centre for Cellular and Bimolecular Research," and I felt the need to explain.

"I didn't want this to be all about literature and history, because I know you like science too. I don't know much about this area of campus, but I do know that we're allowed to go upstairs and look at the labs with this guest pass that I picked up," I told her as I scanned the key card and gained admittance into the building. I didn't tell her how I had to ask another of my Centennial Foundation friends for permission to do this, because I didn't want her to feel bad.

We took the elevator up to the third floor, where all the labs had glass doors and you could see scientists working with complicated-looking equipment as Clare read the labels on the windows to find out what exact studies they were working on.

I told her, "This fancy building is quite new obviously – the old one had to be torn down, but this very spot is where they discovered major breakthroughs on insulin, the polio vaccine, and more recently, open heart surgery," and she replied, "Wow. I bet Alli would love to see this as well".

"Well, you can show her. She's coming here too, right?" I asked.

"Yep, we're hoping to room together. Sav is showing her around today, too, actually," she told me, and I couldn't help but smirk as I just got the answer to my earlier question. I guess she didn't want to go with them after all.

I added, "Alli might like that building over there as well," as I gestured across the street, "it's the Tanz Neuroscience building, but access for guests is restricted to the first floor so that can only mean that upstairs is where the _really_ cool stuff goes on".

"Top-secret," Clare said with a laugh as we left the building and started walking back to main campus. I guided us down a particular path because I wanted to point out the law building to her.

"Clare, that's where your dad studied - the Law building," and a look of shock crossed her face.

"Oh my God, Eli, you're right! That's kind of weird," she added with a cute little frown.

"You know…" I said, getting an idea, "if we go in, we can probably find his photo in the grad composite," I told her.

"Ah! We have to! We just have to! Come on!" she said, reaching for my hand and pulling me in the direction of the building as she started running. I couldn't help but smile at how adorable she was.

Fifteen minutes later, Clare and I were staring at one _very young_ Randall Edwards.

"Wow," she exclaimed, "Look at his hair! And those glasses!" and I added, "Look at all the girls' hair! It sure was the 70s," I pointed out as Clare giggled in response.

She said, "He is so not getting away with this," as she snapped a photo of his picture. "Tomorrow's dinner is sure going to be interesting," and she flashed me a smirk of her own.

As we continued our walk back to main campus, Clare stopped in front of a commemorative square that had a large cement square raised off the ground to the level of her waist. On the square was a metal circle with names all around it. "Eli, what's this?" she asked me, as I shook my head in amusement. This really was too easy.

"This is the Echo Circle. The university had this built fifteen years ago when they had this huge fundraising campaign – the closest a person's name is to the actual metal circle, the more money they donated. The names right next to the metal gave ten million dollars," I explained, "But that's not the real reason why it's so cool. This is kind of those must-do campus things. See that metal circle in the middle there?" I asked her as she nodded.

"Well, if you stand on it and yell, making sure your feet stay on the metal part, you and only you can hear your own echo," I told her, and she cast me a smug look in return.

"Really, now?" Clare asked.

"I swear, I'm not making this stuff up," I told her. "If you want to be a U of T student, you're just going to have to do it, Edwards".

"What is it with you and getting me to scream in public Eli? I'm not doing it," she said, stubbornly crossing her arms over her chest.

I was pretty sure I knew exactly what to tell her to get under her skin though, so as I moved to turn around I said, "Well, suit yourself – but the girl I knew used to be fearless," I added with a smirk and I saw her jaw drop and the look of determination that I loved so much crossed her face.

She climbed on top of the Echo Circle as I told her to make sure her feet stay within the metal part or else it wouldn't work, and she shouted, really loudly, "Eli Goldsworthy is next!" and then quickly made her way back down, straightening her blazer.

She got closer to me and cheekily added, "I believe giving the Echo Circle a try is the _style_ of _every_ U of T student," and all I could say in response was, "Damn it Clare," as I got up and shouted "U of T unique stereotype #1," as Clare giggled in response.

As we were in central campus, I pointed another cool spot out to her. "Clare, that building over there is Hart House – it has a lot of plays, theatre events and music," and she responded, "I love how much of that there is here!" and I smiled in response.

"Now, over here is another thing I wanted to show you – this is the Multifaith Centre. Now, I had to check on this because I didn't know anything about it, but I'm told that this place is a place for communication for anything within the Judeo-Christian spectrum," I explained, carefully reciting what I was told, and the words sounded a little foreign in my mouth, but I knew this was important to her. "So, while this place sounds interesting, what I think you might like best is the classic chapel at Emmanuel College – that's a Christian theological college, and it's that pretty building over there with all the ivy on it," I told her, pointing it out.

Clare was a little frozen and I thought I could see her eyes tear up. She didn't say anything, but she minimized the distance between us until all of sudden, I felt her arms wrap themselves around my back as she pulled me in for a hug. I rested my head on top of hers as she rested her own head on my chest and took a deep breath as she said, "Thank you, Eli. That's so thoughtful of you," and I could feel myself shiver a little as her sweet lilac scent invaded my senses.

We pulled away from each other after a period of time that exceeded that of your average hug, and I stuttered for a moment, trying to think of the next point on her tour, "Um, n-no problem. Okay, so I've shown you around the entire day," I said, gathering myself, "but now, if you look inside that clipboard I gave you, you'll find a good map, and it's your turn to be the guide," I told her with a smirk.

I continued, "I assume that by now you know that every Arts and Science student at U of T is assigned to one of seven colleges for residence and such, because the school is just so big. I think you should find yours. Now I'm guessing you were assigned to Victoria College?" I asked her.

She nodded, looking surprised as she said, "How did you know? Vic College, Annesley Hall," she specified.

I chuckled as I explained, "Most of the girls who study humanities stay there, and they assign you based on that questionnaire you filled out. I just thought Vic, and Annesley especially, suit you. You will be living in the same place that Margaret Atwood once lived in, you know," I told her, well aware of how intrigued Clare was by the Canadian author's writing.

Clare pulled out her map and I motioned for her to lead us. I wanted her to gain a little bit of confidence doing things on her own as well. Five minutes later she had successfully guided us to her future residence.

"You did that better than I would have," I told her. She looked up at the historic building and whispered, "I think I'm going to really like it here, Eli," and I flashed her a smirk in return. I loved seeing her so excited at the thought of coming here.

"Can we go inside the building? I'd like to see a dorm," she asked me.

I responded, "Clare, I can't go into the girls' residence, but we can maybe give Lana a call," I said, pulling out my phone, but Clare stopped me.

"Oh, no, it's okay, I didn't know the rules were so strict," she said.

I had to explain, "They're not – anyone is allowed to have a guest for a few days, regardless of gender, but…I just can't go in, I'd feel really weird," I specified. I wasn't about to go creeping around the girls' dorms and I hoped Clare wouldn't pick up on my embarrassment.

"Oh, I see," she said, slight disappointment on her face.

There was one thing I could do, but I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, so I didn't really want to suggest it.

I didn't have to, though, because Clare shyly looked up at me and said, "Could I maybe see…your dorm?" and she immediately blushed and looked down, like a little girl about Scotty's age who had been busted doing something she wasn't supposed to be doing.

"Yeah, of course. I don't live in Vic College, though. I'm in Innis College, and I hope Adam and I get placed here again next year because it's so nice," I explained.

"How far away are we from it?" she asked, and I told her "It's right next to Vic, actually – just that taller building over there," and I saw her smile in return as we started walking towards it.

Once we got to the front door I punched in the access code and held the door open for her. I led her to the third floor, and opened the door to my room, grateful for Dr. Sadler's amazing help in dealing with my hoarding. You couldn't tell from my dorm that I had ever had a problem with it.

I walked into my room and watched Clare's reaction. She had a grin on her face as she took in the contents of my rather small single room – a navy bed, a closet, a desk consumed with all of my schoolwork, a bookcase with all of my textbooks and books that I read for fun, and _a lot _of band posters everywhere.

"I love it, Eli. It's so…_you,_" she said, moving to look out at the window at the flow of students below.

"Living on my own has been really different," I admitted.

"Lonely?" she asked, now gazing out the window and not looking at me.

"At times," I told her, "I'm glad Adam's moving in next year," I added, and her gaze finally met mine as she flashed me another one of her perfect smiles.

She surprised me a little by sitting down on my bed, and I took a seat directly opposite of her, at my desk chair. She slipped her flats off in a swift movement and lied down on my bed, gently placing her head on my pillow, and I widened my eyes. _Clare Edwards was lying down on my bed_. Her curls slowly fell on my navy pillow and she slipped one of her hands under it. I tried not to freak out at this vision of perfection, but I was too frozen to say anything to her. I saw her close her eyes a bit and snuggle into the pillow as she softly said, "This day is…perfect," and I couldn't help but smirk at her comment.

Did I totally tire her out? I kind of did drag her around campus all day, and while I had become more accustomed to this pace over the past year, Clare's school routine at Degrassi was pretty different.

I gently told her, "You can rest here a bit, Clare, and then I'll drive you home. Sorry I got so into the whole tour thing," I said, and I could feel a slight blush on my cheeks.

She shook her head though, causing her curls to captivate me as they moved across my pillow and said, "No, I'm not tired. I'm just…really comfortable. I like it here," she slowly said, and I wasn't quite sure what to make of that. She liked it where? U of T, right? Yeah, that's what she meant. She liked it here, as in at the school. That must be it.

"Eli? Do you ever miss Degrassi?" she softly asked.

"I miss…certain things about it. You see, high school is a bit of a strange memory for me," I finally admitted, the first time ever out loud, and I'm not even sure what made this moment different. Maybe it was the overwhelming sense of calm and intimacy that Clare had managed to somehow create for me.

"You'll see that when you come here in first year, people talk a lot about what their high school used to be like. I never like that topic, because for me…I moved schools right before grade 11 and I always try to not think about my other school, it's just too much. But Degrassi…there was a period of time there, for a few months, where I really liked it there. I felt I had everything I needed to be happy…to get better. It may have not lasted long, but sometimes I like to pretend that those few months were actually all five years of high school for me, because I just really wish they could have been. And then…yeah, I do miss that," I honestly told her, not specifying that those months were from the day that I met her up until Fitz' return, when everything started to go downhill for us.

Her eyes remained closed as she softly whispered, "I know exactly what you mean," and I decided that she did need a little bit of a rest despite her insistence that she was fine. I got up from my desk and grabbed the blanket that was at the end of my bed and slowly laid it across her body. As I reached her shoulders and leaned over her to make sure I could properly tuck her in, she opened her eyes and gave me a soft smile, our faces just inches apart. She leaned in closer to me and I thought my heart would stop right then and there.

Then a loud vibration reverberated through my little room and she moved to grab her phone from her blazer pocket as a regretful look crossed her face and she told her mom she wouldn't need a ride back from U of T as I nodded in confirmation. Her face was at its possible reddest, and I could only imagine what my own looked like. What was I thinking back there? It's a good thing her phone rang, I tried to tell myself. I also calmed down a little by reminding myself that she was the one to lean in towards me, and that I didn't force anything on her.

"Sorry about that," she said as she hung up, and crossed her legs on the bed.

"Um, no problem, don't worry about it," I responded, uncomfortably rubbing my neck with the back of my hand. "Should we start driving to your house?" I asked her, wondering if her mom had given her some kind of timeline.

"Is my tour over? I don't have to be home for a while, and I'm not tired, don't worry," she said reassuringly.

"Well, actually there was just one more thing I wanted to show you, and it's not very far," I told her, and she moved off the bed, snapping me out of my little trance.

Ten minutes later we were standing in front of a relatively high wall as I showed the lady in the ticket booth my student ID and identified Clare as my guest.

"What is this place, Eli?" she impatiently asked.

"This is a traditional Japanese garden right on campus," I told her, as we crossed the threshold and we were surrounded by a peaceful and incredibly green space with lots of different trees imported from all over the world and beautiful ponds and fountains. Not very many students came here regularly; there were only about five others around and an elderly couple looking at the tiny fish in one of the ponds.

"It's so beautiful," Clare said, delicately making her way across the stone pathway that traversed a pond and stopping every once in a while to take pictures. I sat down on a bench as she moved closer to particular trees and plants, taking photos of them up close, and I could feel a smirk forming involuntarily across my face at her playful fascination and innocence. I wished I could freeze this moment in time, I thought, as I closed my eyes for a few seconds and I just basked in the glow of this moment; in the joy being here with her.

Soon after she came over to the bench and sat next to me.

"Do you come here a lot?' she asked.

"You know what – my first time here was actually yesterday. We were told about it on Orientation day and I meant to come here ever since, but sometimes I feel like this campus has two facets; the student one and the tourist one. It's just so busy during the school year to do everything you want to," I explained.

"What were you doing here yesterday?" she pursued, and I knew I had been busted.

"I…was just walking myself through our tour path, making sure I knew where it all was," I admitted.

"Eli, you did so many things today that you don't usually do – and that means a lot to me, you know," she said, playing with her scarf. "This was the most special day I've had in a long _long_ time. It's perfect." she said, and she slowly rested her head on my shoulder.

"You deserve it…this, and a whole lot more," I sighed.

I'm not sure how long we stayed like that, as I didn't want to ruin the moment by checking the time. Eventually I felt Clare stir as her curls tickled my neck and I glanced over at her and said, "Should we drive through campus one more time before heading back? Stop at the bookstore like you wanted to?" I suggested, not wanting to drop a bomb and just say it's time I take her home. Something told me she didn't want to leave as much as I didn't want her to.

"I'd like that," she said, and she stood up.

"There's just one more thing you need to do in your preparation towards being an official U of T student," I told her.

"Screaming in the Zen garden would probably be frowned upon, Eli," she shot back playfully as I held my hands up in a surrender gesture and couldn't help but laugh.

"Hey, who said anything about screaming? You need to put this on," I said, reaching into my backpack and pulling out a package in a U of T gift bag.

"Eli! You didn't have to get me anything else!" she said, as I assured her that this was very essential, and she pulled out the girls' blue U of T hoodie that I had also picked up yesterday.

"This is the one that I wanted to go back to the bookstore to get! I love that it's a zip-up with a smaller logo on the side, not one of the ones you pull over," she said, bouncing with excitement.

"I know you don't like the pull-over ones," I admitted, and she gave me a somewhat sad smile in return.

"Well, I love this one," she added and I told her, "It matches your pretty eyes," watching her smile only get bigger as she took her blazer off and put on the hoodie right away.

"You look great," I told her, and we walked out of the Zen garden and headed to the car. She looked at herself in the mirror in the car, trying to get a full picture, which was somewhat hard, but her many attempts amused me to no end.

Twenty minutes later, I was holding the door open for her as she made her way out and I walked her to her front door.

She got closer to me and said, "Thank you so much, Eli. I had the best day with you today," and I assured her that it was no problem and that I had a lot of fun as well. One of her curls fell over her eyes and I couldn't control my impulse to pull it behind her ear and she smiled at my touch. I couldn't imagine how lonely campus would feel right now, and how everything and every place would now remind me of her, but I knew this moment had to end so I said good-bye to her and started walking up the footpath.

Just as I was about to get into my Jeep, I heard Clare's voice say, "Eli! I'll…see you around….at U of T?" she shyly asked.

"I guess you will," I responded, flashing her a smirk before I got in the driver's seat.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review!**


	17. Stand by You

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for your lovely reviews, they bring such a smile to my face. **

**Also, apologies - I lied…we will still have one more chapter in this year after this one. This chapter is already so long and packed with things that I think one more chapter is the best route to take. **

**A special thank you to all my fantastic reviewers MaddieLovesEclare, ilovetaylorswift13, musiksnob, eligoldsworthy-is-life10 (oh man, how I miss the simple days of EClare too), Cheryl (so nice to read your message!), EpicNinjaChica (that is so evil of your computer to do that! Glad it turned out all right in the end), xeneti (it means so much to me that you are going back and reviewing!), CheapNovelty, and my super Degrassi friend StalkerAngel of course!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, The Wizard of Oz, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

"Well, I didn't expect this to happen so soon," I told my boss in amazement, and I asked him "Is Barbara in the conference room?" He nodded in response and I started to make my way there.

Barbara, or Barb as she preferred to be called, was one of the key co-ordinators of the Big Brothers society on a national level. She was a really mellow, kind-hearted lady who had actually adopted two of the children she met through the program a while ago. She was the provincial co-ordinator for Ontario and she told me that she had just gotten sick of watching the girls move from foster home to foster home, always having to change their Big Sisters as they moved into different neighbourhoods, so her husband and her adopted and raised them from the ages of 6 and 8. The girls were now in grade 10 and 12 respectively.

However, when it came to her work, Barb was rather intense. Because she was the provincial co-ordinator, she didn't come into the regional office that I worked at a lot – she worked at the national offices in Ottawa - but at the end of the tax year she would visit each one of the larger offices. I came home last weekend and stopped by the Big Brothers to put the finish touches on this grant with an April deadline that represented the reason the society kept me on part time during the school year. I ran into Barbara just as I was about to mail the completed application, and she proceeded to read it right in front of me, because she was "curious" as she put it, while I sat there petrified. She had never read any of my grant applications – she was my direct boss' boss – but she complimented it and said the society is lucky to have found me. I was hugely relieved to hear that she was satisfied, because she had turned up out of the blue that day and what twenty minutes of reading was to her was actually months of work for me.

Now I was back one week later because she had called me in, and I assumed this was because she had gotten the answer back on the grant. To say that I was nervous was an understatement.

I knocked on the door to the conference room and she told me to come in, gesturing for me to have a seat a few seconds later.

"Eli. Hi," she said, giving me a warm smile. "Thanks for coming in. I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience, I know you live on campus now," she added.

"Not at all, I was home this weekend anyway; studying for finals," I explained.

"Oh, I won't keep you long then, Eli. Are you excited to finish your first year?" she asked.

"I am, but I need to get past finals first," I told her with a small frown at that thought, "and I'm actually going to take a summer class at U of T, but it's only two days per week so it shouldn't be too bad".

"It's beautiful there in the summer," she told me. "I took a couple of summer classes there myself when I went there a lot of years ago. You'll find the pace of classes is a lot faster in the summer, but it's usually easier to do well because you don't have as much time to forget everything as you would in a regular term," she said with a chuckle. "Are you still going to be staying on campus for the summer then?"

"No, I'm going to come back home; there's not much point in living there only to be close to a class that's only six hours each week. I don't live really far from U of T anyway," I explained.

"Of course. Okay, Eli, so I called you in today because of two things, the first of which is that I got the response to the grant you submitted last week," she said, and I stood up a little straighter. I really hoped the foundation would get it; I had worked on nothing but this since September for them; how would it look if I didn't manage to get it? I was pretty nervous to hear what she had to say, but at the same time I was wishing for nothing more than for her to just get on with it already!

"And I'm pleased to say that like pretty much every other grant you have written for us, you managed to secure it! It's really something Eli, I don't know how you do this. You're one of the youngest writers I've ever seen working in this capacity, and I've been here for over twenty years," she said, making me a little embarrassed.

"It's nothing I do, Barb – I just write down what the foundation does, that's all," I tried to explain. "It's all the people that work here that actually do the important work," I shrugged.

"Now, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Eli – the plain and simple fact is that if this office didn't have you working with them, they simply wouldn't be receiving all the funding that they have been so fortunate to obtain lately. It's really hard to get funding these days, Eli. And don't try to fool me silly, I know you have two Little Brothers of your own, so I know you do the hands-on work as well," she pointed out. All right, so I might have been busted there.

"Thanks, Barb. I've been really lucky to be connected to this place," I honestly told her and she gave me a wide smile in return. I knew how much she valued this organization; she was instrumental in building it from the ground up.

"That's so nice of you to say, Eli. Okay, now on to our second piece of business - _I_ also asked for a meeting with you today because I was hoping you'd come back to this office in the summer," she said, greatly surprising me.

"I didn't think I would be eligible to work here this summer because I'm taking that class – I can't work full time," I told her – had she forgotten?

"Well, technically, yes, that's the rule, but that doesn't matter really – I just don't want the foundation to lose you. I know your boss might have told you that – just because he doesn't know, though. I have the authority to easily override that rule, you see. And then you'd work the three weekdays that you don't have class on, and you can do as much of your work as you want from home. You can take the week before your final for that class off, or organize your own time the way you want. This kind of job gives your that kind of flexibility. It's just not offered to everyone who works because it can make things a bit harder sometimes, but I think we can definitely make a special exception in your case, Eli," she said with a grin. "So, what do you say?" she asked me.

"I say a big, definite yes! It would be an honour to work for Big Brothers again. But are you sure all of that would be okay? I don't want to create any hassles for anyone," I told her.

"Oh, Eli, don't worry about that – you remember from last summer how much of this job you spent working on your own, don't you?" she asked and I nodded in response. That was one of the things I liked most about it.

"Great. It's settled then," Barb said with a smile. I then saw her pull out a letter from a file folder and my eyes widened when I recognized it. I didn't think it would get to her – I thought it would only go to my boss.

She looked up at me and said, "Now, about your special request – oh, Eli, don't look so pale! I love the cause you described, but unfortunately it was such short notice that I wasn't able to get you what you wanted," she said and I wanted to go crawl into a hole and never come out. I had no idea my impromptu request would go to the top boss! This was so embarrassing and a potential total disaster.

I was so nervous that I barely managed to mumble, "Barb, please don't worry about that, it was just a silly idea I had –" but she interrupted me before I could go any further.

"Eli, what you described here is not silly at all, and there's no need to get so nervous. I know it might have put you in an awkward position, but what I said was that _I_ was not able to get you what you wanted, but I knew of a foundation that could help, you see," and I widened my eyes yet again. What was she talking about?

"So I passed on your request, and they felt the same about it that I did, and what they ended up doing was that they donated the necessary funds to Big Brothers, and then in turn you can pass on the donation to the other foundation, you see. In fact, I believe you might recognize the representative of the foundation who ended up helping us out with this," she said as I just sat there baffled. Barb pressed the intercom button on her phone and said "Come in, please".

I then saw no one other than Dr. Sadler come through the door as she said, "Eli! So nice to see you again! Look at you, you practically _radiate_ college air!" she said with a laugh. I had paid Dr. Sadler a visit at Christmas and I saw her a little last weekend as well – I really liked how she treated me so kindly and normally; she never looked at me like I was some type of freak. And she had given me my life back – I could never pay her back for all the patience and support she showed me when I felt like everyone else with the exception of my parents and Adam had finally given up on me. I always liked seeing her, but I was a little confused as to why she was here now. It didn't surprise me to see that Barb and Dr. Sadler were probably close friends by the manner in which they were interacting.

"Okay, so Eli, my doctors' foundation has this for you to pass on for your special cause," she said, holding out an envelope for me.

"Are you serious?" was all I was able to get out. "I can't accept that, Dr. Sadler," I told her, hoping she would understand.

An incredulous look crossed her face as she said, "Eli – it's not like this money is for you! You'd _better_ accept it, or my doctor's foundation will be very unhappy with me – this was the final tax write-off we needed for our charity support section; the timing was perfect. Eli, everyone loved the cause – they want to help. And we need to help _someone_, you work in grant writing, you know we have a legal and financial obligation to support charities," she explained, and I instantly remembered how sound Dr. Sadler's logic for doing something always was.

I gave her a grateful smile and I said, "This is amazing, Dr. Sadler. I appreciate what you have both done so much," I said, addressing both her and Barb, "I honestly thought this request was such a long shot".

"It's not, Eli. Where there's a will there's always a way – building this charity over the last twenty years has surely taught me that," Barb said. "Now, Dr. Sadler and I are going out for a coffee break – you'd best be off and make sure that cheque ends up in the right hands," she added.

"I'll check the address a hundred times," I said ecstatically.

A sudden look of surprise crossed Dr. Sadler's face, though, and she said, "No, Eli! You can't mail it! One of the papers in that envelope is a receipt that I need to bring back to the doctor's foundation – I need the recipient to sign it, to make sure the cheque was received by a representative of the whole project. I would prefer if you get that for me in person," she said sternly.

"Of course, Dr. Sadler. Sorry, I didn't know," I told her. I wasn't going to screw this up for her.

"No worries, Eli. Just a different procedure than you're used to, my fault, I should have specified earlier," she said, as we all made our way to the door.

I thanked them one more time before we went our separate ways. I still couldn't believe how much has happened today – the grant I had spent so much time on was approved, I'll be able to still work for Big Brothers doing writing this summer as well, and…_there was a way._ I glanced at my watch and saw that I still had twenty minutes before 3pm – perfect. I had just enough time to get there and do this before I had to pick up Dylan and Scotty; this would be our last hang-out session before I went into finals and I switched our schedule up a bit as I needed the full weekend to make sure I'm ready for finals. I tried not to let both my excitement and my nervousness overcome me as I got into my car and started driving down a set of roads I hadn't seen in almost a full year.

**Clare's POV**

"It's a little early for that though, isn't it Alli?" I asked.

"Clare! This is PROM! There's no such thing as 'early' when it comes to dress shopping! It's the middle of April…so we have just a little over two months left. Our dresses have to be perfect, this is our last Degrassi dance and these are going to be the photos we will look at for the REST OF OUR LIVES so we HAVE TO start looking this weekend!" Alli squealed in a panic as we made our way to our lockers at the end of the day.

"All right, okay, let's do it," I gave in, knowing this was really the only wise course of action when Alli got in one of her moods.

She let out a tiny scream of excitement and embraced me in a bone-crushing hug as she said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have to go now, my mom is probably already outside," she told me, and she rapidly headed out the door.

Adam came over from his locker and said, "Wow, now that's going to be quite the trip…Alli seems half a step away from buying the entire mall – or everything that's pink in it, should I say?" as she flashed me a sarcastic look.

"Well, Alli certainly has never met a pink she doesn't like," I informed him. "Do you want to come?" I asked, knowing it wasn't really his thing but also being very familiar with the fact that Lana was preparing for finals and the next two weeks would be pretty lonely for him.

"I think I'd rather be dragged across town by wild horses," Adam said, and I giggled in response. I guess my first instinct was right.

"Is your mom picking you up or do you have Science Olympics stuff?" I asked him, trying to figure out if we could walk together out of the school.

"Not today, I'm just walking home. Are you ready?" he asked, as I shut my locker and nodded.

We made our way out of the building and down the front steps and I could feel my smile in response to noticing the familiar black Jeep that was just pulling up in front of the school. Seeing Lana would be just the thing Adam needed right now, so I nudged his elbow and said, "Look, Lana's here".

However a look of confusion crossed his face as he slowly said, "That…can't be her, Clare. She has sociology class right now," and I could my heart beat faster and the blood rush to my cheeks – there was no way Adam would be confused about Lana's schedule.

I stared at the ground as I said, "Oh, okay, so…you have plans to hang out with Eli today?" I asked him, trying to sound casual and not let Adam pick up on the nervousness invading my senses.

"I had no idea Eli would be going off campus today, Clare. He's got finals too," Adam pointed out. As I raised my glance to meet his, Adam shot me a determined look and said, "He's not here to see me".

In that moment I saw the driver's door open and my heart skipped a beat when I saw that it was really him, wearing a pair of black slacks and a light blue dress shirt. He looked a lot more formal than I was used to seeing him, but it was as if this different, more mature look made him look even more handsome. He reached to the passenger seat to grab an envelope and then shut the door, looking around at the school before sitting down on a nearby bench. Was he meeting someone else here? I couldn't imagine him waiting for anyone other than Adam or me, so that action on his part confused me a bit. He was checking his phone, but he put it away after a few seconds as he stood up from the bench. Was he…nervous?

He walked away from the bench and towards the front entrance, and as his gaze moved from the flow of students to his right to the stairs, it locked with mine. He flashed me a little smirk and waved to Adam, who did the same in response. I could tell he really was nervous, and I didn't really care why he was here – I just wished I could get that horrible tension to leave his body. I wished I could just wrap him up in a hug and not let go until the confident and sweet Eli that showed me around U of T resurfaced again.

"Hey man! What are you doing down here, I didn't know you were coming?" Adam asked him as he stood in front of us.

"I didn't know that myself until a few minutes ago, it's kind of a…recent development," Eli responded as he looked in my direction and said, "Hi Clare," in a shy tone.

"Hi Eli," was all I managed to come up with as I felt my cheeks burn.

"Sorry I didn't bring Lana – I didn't know I'd be coming here until I was already off campus, so I didn't even get a chance to ask her," he explained to Adam.

"Don't worry – she's got class at this time anyway," Adam told him, and Eli gave him a sad smirk in response.

Adam then looked back and forth at Eli and myself and a slight uncomfortable look of realization crossed his face as he said, "Um, I have to be at home before my mom freaks out, so I'm gonna get going. See you guys later," and he stepped in between Eli and I and he booked it before I even had a chance to say good-bye to him.

Eli shifted a little uncomfortably and said, "I know it's weird I'm here, but I just have a delivery to make, that's all," he said, holding out the envelope he'd been carrying to me.

"It's nice to see you, Eli – it's not weird you're here," I told him, chastising him a bit. "What's this?" I said as he handed the envelope to me.

"Open it," was all he said.

I did as he asked and I pulled out a piece of paper with a table on it that had…_a cheque_ attached to it? Why on earth would Eli be giving me this? And then I saw who the cheque was made out to – it said _Project Love c/o Degrassi Community School. _I couldn't believe this. I saw the cheque was from the Big Brothers foundation and I could feel my eyes tear up. I knew Eli worked for them. He had gotten them to donate _a thousand dollars_ to Project Love? And here he was, standing right in front of me, looking at me like I was the only person in the world. I tried hard to fight back my tears as I addressed him.

"E-Eli…this is amazing, but…how did this happen?" I whispered.

"Big Brothers just caught wind of what you're doing here and they wanted to help," he said nonchalantly. "They just need a signature from the recipient as a tax write off requirement, and…they know I went to this school, so they just sent me to get it," he justified.

That couldn't be all there was to this, though. Eli had been so worried about keeping his promise to stay away from me over the past two years, that I wasn't suspicious about this being some kind of ploy like I would have been two years ago. I could tell that him being here really was needed so someone could sign that piece of paper with the table on it. But…there was still something he wasn't telling me, I could tell. He was standing there rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably with his hand, and I knew that look. There was more to this, and I'll be damned if I don't figure it out. Because I'm quite sure I know what it is.

"How did Big Brothers…find out about one of the many extracurricular activities going on at one of the many schools in the many districts of Toronto?" I gently asked him, trying to keep my voice warm so he wouldn't confuse my curiosity for aggression and accusation.

He kept rubbing his neck as he slowly said, "Yeah, I might…I might have mentioned something to my boss, who might have said something to some investors…and one of those investors might have been Dr. Sadler, who might have handed me that cheque…twenty minutes ago," he admitted.

"E-Eli, this is _one thousand dollars_," I said, staring at the cheque.

"I know, it's kind of crazy, I worked with large grants all summer and this year a bit too, but it still feels weird to see that kind of money thrown around. But they actually need to make donations like these, you know – they use it to bring their total income stats down so they don't have to pay high taxes, like they'd have to if they didn't donate anything," he explained, and I knew about how that worked from my dad's firm, so I nodded in understanding.

Eli shyly stopped rubbing his neck and bit his nails for a second before he said, "It's…enough for 80 packages at about ten dollars' worth of things each, and then you have two hundred extra dollars – maybe you can buy the orphanage something bigger that you know they'd need". Hearing that blasted 80 figure from someone else – lately I'd felt like this Project Love stress only existed in my mind – was already too much, but hearing it from Eli made everything that much more overwhelming.

He continued, "At least, that's what I suggested in my letter; I only asked for $800, but I see that the investors took it upon themselves to add more to that; as much as I'd like to say that they thought a larger present for the orphanage might be beneficial, they probably did that because they were exactly $1000 away from meeting the tax break," he said with a humorous frown.

Something he said made me backtrack a bit though, as I asked him, "Your…_letter_?" and he slightly flinched, realizing he had slipped up.

"Just something I wrote explaining what Project Love was," he responded.

I took in his entire appearance again, his expertise on all of this grant economic stuff, and the confidence he exuded when he talked about it and I realized, "_You_ did this…_all_ of this," saying it in a whisper. Eli just looked away and didn't respond though, so I pursued, "Right, Eli?" and I saw him flinch again.

"I swear, Clare - they really did ask me to get that signature in person…I wanted to mail it to you, but they need that signature and I wasn't really in a position to say no, and I couldn't just ask someone else to drop what they were doing and come out here…" he started rambling, not understanding that's not what I had meant.

"No, Eli, I didn't mean it like that; I mean…_you_ did this wonderful, incredible thing, and you don't even want any credit for it," and by now I was overcome with emotion as tears were definitely stinging my eyes and I could feel them threatening to fall down my face. I didn't want to upset Eli – I knew seeing me cry made him feel that way – and there was something else that I desperately needed to do, something that would simultaneously solve my crying problem as well.

So as I saw him leaning down a little to study my face, I softly told him, "Just…just…thank you. Thank you so much," and I knew I was seconds away from bursting out in tears, so I moved forward and slipped my arms under his and pulled him towards me in a hug and rested my head on his shoulder. I felt him freeze up a little initially and that horrible tension in his body was so incredibly pronounced, so I moved one of my hands in a circular motion across his back in an attempt to get him to relax, and I was relieved to see that he quickly did. I felt him wrap one of his arms around my waist and he patted my hair down with his other hand, moving to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear as he whispered "Hey, it's okay. Don't be sad. This is a good day".

I felt myself shiver and I could tell he felt it too, as he moved his hand to meet the other one that was wrapped around my waist, and he pulled me a little closer towards him. I felt his lips place a small peck in my curls after he whispered, "You're amazing, Clare - and this is just a little bit of help that doesn't take anything away from the wonderful thing _you_ created; it's just more people wanting to join the cause, that's all – people who give money to charities all the time". I felt another shiver cross my body and I didn't want to move; I wanted to stay here forever, and I wanted Eli to give me a _real_ kiss, and I wanted to apologize for all the hurt that I had caused him, and I wanted him to tell me that what happened between us didn't leave him…adrift. Because as much as I knew he had progressed in so many different aspects of his life, I wasn't so sure about where he was emotionally speaking. Was there space for trust and love in his heart after everything that had happened…or was he convinced now more than ever that people always leave?

I turned my head so I was able to bury it in his neck, keeping my eyes closed because I felt that even opening them might ruin this magic moment. I knew my tears must be visible by this point, but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care that there were many other students around us on the stairs, I was too absorbed by Eli's scent, his gentle but powerful touch, the way his chest was rising and falling shallowly…by his entire presence. I could feel the tears steadily flowing down my face at this point, and as I had moved my face against his bare skin, I knew there was no more hiding it from him now. As soon as the tears came into contact with his skin, I felt him sigh and he lifted me off the ground in one fell swoop as he kept one arm wrapped around my waist and he locked the other one behind my knees and brought my feet off the ground. I felt him carrying me as he walked over to the edge of the stairs and sat down on the low and wide cement railing and adjusted me in his lap, and I slowly met his gaze while I moved my arm to hang onto his shoulder. He looked so utterly worried as he slowly pushed my bangs back and softly said, "The last thing I wanted to do was make you cry". As I moved my face back to his neck, I felt him rock me gently a few times as he whispered, "Shh. Shh. It's okay," and he patted my curls down a bit.

"I'm not sad," I told him, "I'm just so touched by what you did," I confessed.

"Well, you see, that's the wrong thing to think about right now - you _should _be thinking about the best way to blow a thousand bucks," he playfully said, and I couldn't help but giggle as I moved my head so I could meet his gaze.

Suddenly, I felt him jump in surprise as a basketball bounced off the stairs and was about to hit my legs if Eli hadn't caught it in time.

"Sorry, sorry – Eli!" I heard a surprised voice say as Eli held the ball out for its approaching owner.

His footsteps got closer and it took all I had not to groan when I realized who it was…really?

"Careful, man," was all Eli said as he held the ball out to an incredibly uncomfortable looking KC. I held on to Eli a little tighter, wishing KC would just go away now.

But of course, Jenna was trailing right behind him and she intertwined her hand with his as she said, "Can we just go already? Your mom's already been babysitting him all day –" but she trailed off when she took in just who KC was grabbing the ball from.

"Eli!" she said in a sickly sweet tone, as she noticed that I was lying in his lap and she flashed us a fake smile. "This is a surprise! Nice to see you here, with…Clare," she awkwardly added, and Eli flashed her an impatient look as he said, "Just take your ball," and KC did as he was told and then they walked away quickly.

I shifted in his lap; KC and Jenna had ruined our moment and now it was time to snap back to reality. I slowly stood up and Eli straightened his shirt and leather jacket.

"Will you come with me?" I blurted out, "to Simpson's office? So I can tell him the good news and so that he can give me the clearance to deposit this cheque?" and Eli said, "Of course," and flashed me a huge smirk.

We were walking through the hallway and I asked him with a giggle, "Does it feel weird to be back here?"

"It does. I'm surprised security let me through without a uniform on, but I swear it's because that officer remembers me from last year and all the trouble all the metal I wore would cause; I'd always set off the alarm. He just waved me in for old times' sake, ecstatic he no longer has to deal with me on a daily basis," he said, and I couldn't help but laugh in response.

He added, "I don't have a lot of time, but I think I should stop by to see Mrs. Dawes as well".

"Looks like you won't have to go far," I told him, pointing to the office; she was talking to Simpson.

We entered and Mrs. Dawes was the first one to notice us and I saw a small smile cross her face.

"Mr. Goldsworthy," she said, "What brings you back here?"

"I just came to drop something off," Eli said modestly, but Mrs. Dawes didn't look convinced and she kept glancing at the two of us.

"Mrs. Dawes, Mr. Simpson," I started, "Eli came to drop off this –" I continued, holding out the cheque for them to see, "he works as a grant writer for Big Brothers and he got one of their sponsors to help us out with a donation that should more than cover the last 80 packages that we need," and I saw a look of surprise cross both of their faces.

"This is fantastic! Eli, your writing is doing so much good!" Mrs. Dawes exclaimed.

"Eli – you should've been more like this from your start here, you gave me some frights the first few months there," Simpson jokingly told him as Eli's trademark smirk etched across his face.

"This really is remarkable," Simpson continued, and then he clapped his hands and said, "Okay, so Project Love is back in business," and he signed the accompanying piece of paper for Eli. "Clare, I listed you as a project leader when I made that bank account for the project, so you don't need anything from me in order to deposit this – it's all in your hands now. I look forward to hearing how everything works out when Darcy lets you know the final result. Eli, glad to see you again, and thank you for making this happen. Fine teamwork from a Degrassi student and a Degrassi alum," he said, placing a head on each of our shoulders. I saw Mrs. Dawes' smile get bigger as she looked first at me and then at Eli and I instantly felt my cheeks blush.

"All right you two, I'm still trying to get Archie to approve an event – so thank you for putting him in a good mood, but we need to finish our meeting and it looks like you two have a lot of shopping to do," Mrs. Dawes said, her smile never leaving her face as we all said our good-byes.

Eli and I were walking out of the school and Mrs. Dawes' words kept ringing in my mind. I quickly stepped in front of Eli's path and asked him, "Do you want to do the shopping together? Do you want to come help me?" and I saw him look at his watch regretfully.

"I do, Clare…but I have to pick up Dylan and Scotty – I promised them we'd hang out at my house this afternoon," he said, and I felt my heart sink. Now I'd have to say good-bye to him for God knows how long.

Eli stuck his hands in his pockets and surprised me by saying, "Unless…" and I encouraged him, "Unless what?"

"Unless you don't mind having them come along as well. They'd love it – they kind of both adore you, in different ways. You remember how Dylan feels, and Scotty is convinced you're…Dorothy," he said with a smirk.

"Dorothy?" I asked in confusion. That better not be Eli's college girlfriend, or any other girlfriend for that matter.

"You know…Dorothy, as in from _The Wizard of Oz_. I read him that book a while ago, and he kept pointing to the pictures and told me that since I knew you, I should ask if you could take us to the Land of Oz as well. When I managed to get him to explain what he meant, he said 'You know, the pretty girl with who we made the Africa surprises, except you call her Clare and not Dorothy,'" Eli said and I could no longer contain my laughter. Neither could he; we both burst into a wild fit of giggles and a few minutes later, we finally regained control and I literally had to wipe a tear from my eye.

"Oh my God, Eli, now we _have to_ all do this shopping together, you do realize this?" I told him, and he gave me a smirk in return.

"Hey, I'm not the one who's going to have to tell Scotty he can't go to the Land of Oz," he light-heartedly pointed out, and then added, "So, all right, then, to the Jeep!" he said, holding the front door of the school open for me.

As soon as we got in the car, Eli turned the heat on and I smiled to myself. He never seemed to get cold, and it touched me that he remembered that I always liked the heat to be on in the car; I had never even explicitly told him so while we were dating, but he had just picked up on it really early on.

We stopped at the bank on our way to the school, where I had no trouble depositing the cheque immediately, as Mr. Simpson had left things in perfect order just like he had said. I had a tiny panic moment when the teller told me they would need clearance from Big Brothers before they could obtain the funds, but it turns out that clearance was in the form of an email to Big Brothers that Eli accessed from his phone and replied to right in front of the teller, potently displaying his slight annoyance with the fact that the teller seemed doubtful that he was an official foundation representative.

Once we got back in the car, Eli explained, "Dylan and Scotty's school is about fifteen minutes from here," and I took a minute to look at him again. In so many ways he was the Eli I always knew, but there was also an undeniable element of maturity about him now, one that extended past the mere fact that he was dressed formally. He was only using one hand to drive, resting his other one on the divider between our seats, and he was occasionally glancing into the rear view and side mirrors, causing the short sleeves on his dress shirt to rise up at times. I reached over to turn the radio on, and I changed it to my favorite station before I even took the courtesy of asking.

"Sorry," I said.

"What for?" he responded, shooting me a confused look.

"I changed the radio station without asking," I pointed out.

"Wow, call the police!" he sarcastically said, glancing at me a little worriedly. "Clare, I don't mind, you can do whatever you want in my car," and I grinned in response and fondly remembered how easy going Eli was when it came to making me happy.

We were making our way down a set of streets I wasn't all too familiar with and I noticed Eli slowed down significantly, which could only mean we were approaching a school zone.

"So, where do you want to get all the materials from after we get the kids? Should we go to the Eaton Centre so that way we have a Staples and a Toys R Us?" he suggested, naming the exact destination I had in mind.

"That's what I was thinking," I replied, as he parked right in front of a medium-sized school building.

"Sir Winston Churchill Elementary School," I said out loud. "This is it?" I asked, and Eli nodded in response.

We both got out of the car and walked up the stairs, but I hesitated to go in, knowing that elementary schools have strict policies about who can and can't enter.

Eli gently placed his hand on my lower back and said, "We actually have to go into the school to get Scotty, he's only in grade one, so we should pick him up right outside his classroom. Dylan will meet us by the car," and I couldn't help but smile at Eli's protectiveness of Scotty. He seemed to know exactly what to do without any sort of doubt, and that confidence suited him.

I followed his lead up a set of stairs and noticed many parents were waiting outside the grade one classroom, and I remembered the many times that my mom would be waiting for me – she'd often be met with a bouquet of dandelions that I had picked from behind one of the portables at my school.

Eli patiently stood around with the other parents, and I couldn't help but let a giggle escape – I never thought I'd see such a sight, but strangely enough he didn't look out of place at all. He was looking at a display of colored, humanized Easter bunnies that the children had drawn clothing and human expressions on and he grinned as he came to a stop in front of a particular one. He pointed it out to me and said, "Check it out, that's Scotty's," and he raised an eyebrow as he pointed to the sparkly red shoes Scotty had assigned to his bunny.

Eli smirked and said, "Looks like he was trying to make his bunny look like…Dorothy," and I burst out in uncontrollable giggles, causing a few parents to turn around and stare at us. I felt my cheeks burning, so I turned around and hid my face in Eli's shoulder as I groaned and I felt him give me a small squeeze in return and I could tell he was chuckling.

"Eeeelllii!" I heard a little voice screech, causing me to pull away from him, and I saw a slightly taller, mischievous looking Scotty running towards him at full speed as Eli bent down to pick him up in a hug.

"Hey, buddy! There you are! How was school?" he asked him, creating a sight that made my heart melt.

"Good, we played dodge ball!" Scotty answered, still in Eli's arms.

"Sweet," Eli replied enthusiastically, and then he adjusted Scotty in his arms a bit so he could see me and said, "Look who came with me, it's Clare. She's going to play with us today too because we actually have something special to do, okay?" and Scotty nodded keenly in response. He then bent his head down and stared at my shoes, and Eli chuckled as he took this in and shot me a smirk, making me burst in giggles once again. I _really_ wished I had worn my red flats today as opposed to my black ones.

Scotty then looked into my eyes with an intrigued look on his face but he didn't say anything like I had expected him to. He just turned around and looked back at Eli and he burst out, "Are you and Clare daddy and mommy now?" and I widened my eyes at his question and I could feel practically all the blood in my body race to my cheeks.

Eli's own cheeks reflected a blush as he gently put Scotty down and said, "Um, let's go start our fun, okay?" trying to change the subject, but to no avail as Scotty pursued, "Because you were hugging like daddy says only mommies and daddies should do. _Again_. You two always do that," he said, with a puzzled frown that looked so amusing on a seven year old.

Scotty then held his hand up and I saw Eli instinctively reach for it as we started walking down the hallway. Eli told him, "Scotty, Clare is my good friend, okay? Sometimes we hug because we're really happy about good news, but that's something for when you're older, okay? Don't do that to the girls in your class," Eli cautiously told him, and I admired how well he handled the situation. I noticed he was still embarrassed, but he looked up and flashed me a small smirk.

We headed to the car where just as Eli had predicted, Dylan was waiting. I saw his face light up when he noticed me, and he started blushing as well. Great. Out of the four of us, only Scotty, the real instigator of everything, seemed to be perfectly at peace with his existence.

"Hey Dylan," Eli said, giving him a small fist bump. "Thanks for meeting me by the car, dude. You remember Clare, right?" he asked, and Dylan nodded shyly. "Is it okay if she hangs out with us today too, we kind of have something special to do," and Dylan nodded even more enthusiastically as he said, "Of course."

"Thanks, Dylan," Eli responded. He was so good with these boys; he treated Dylan so differently than his little brother, in a much cooler, nonchalant manner that was perfect for a twelve year old boy, I realized.

Eli opened the door to the backseats as the boys got in, and then he held the door to the passenger seat open for me. I noticed that before he came to the driver's side, he double checked that Scotty had put his seat belt on properly.

He got in the car and turned around and faced the boys and said, "So guys, I know we were supposed to hang out at my house today, but I was thinking you'd like to go to the mall with Clare and me and help us with a special project. We have to buy a lot of school supplies to send to Africa, just like last year, remember?" he explained, and they nodded in response.

"I want to help," Dylan gladly said, and Scotty quickly followed, "Me too! Me too!" probably only somewhat aware of anything beyond the fact that he'd be included in whatever we were about to do next.

Eli flashed me a smile and said, "That's awesome, guys, we'll have lots of fun, I promise," and I wanted so badly to reach for his hand and squeeze it, but I feared the comment that such an action would cause Scotty to make.

Dylan was next to speak up though as he said, "But wait…is your boyfriend meeting us there?" he said, not making the smallest attempt to hide his disgust at such a possibility, "because then I want to change my mind; I want to hang out with just Eli if he's coming," he stubbornly said, and I saw Eli awkwardly pretend to check if there was something wrong with his side view mirror.

"He's not my boyfriend anymore," I was glad to announce, "He was a mean boy," I explained to them.

Scotty spoke up at that point and said, "Yay! Dylan, I think Eli and Clare are daddy and mommy now?" and I sighed, still amused. It looks like Eli didn't manage to convince him after all.

Dylan laughed in response and said, "I don't think they're married, they're way too young for that," and Scotty finally seemed to understand as he nodded. Dylan continued, "But…are you boyfriend and girlfriend?" and Eli spoke up.

"Jeez, it's like a CIA interrogation over here!" he said with a laugh as he continued, "We're good friends, Dylan, but I'm not her boyfriend," and I chose to look out the window as there were too many questions and ears in this car right now.

I felt Eli reach for my hand and I turned around to see a concerned look on his face as he whispered, "I'm sorry, Clare. You don't have to do this; I'll take you home, okay?" but I immediately said, "No; I don't want to go home, I want to be with you; I want all of us to do this together," and he flashed me a smirk in response.

He turned around to face Dylan and playfully added, "But she's too old for you, Dylan, sorry. That wouldn't be fair to the girls in your grade," he said, and I admired the reasoning he presented. Mentioning the girls in Dylan's grade was a good tactic.

Eli pursued, "And speaking of girls in your grade, how's Angela?" he asked in a somewhat playful, but still mildly serious tone. "Did you ask her yet?" he added.

Dylan shyly nodded in response and said, "She said yes," and Eli fully turned around and gave Dylan a high five. He explained, "Dylan here just scored himself a date to grade seven grad," and I immediately understood. Elementary school graduation was sort of a big deal when I was younger, too.

About twenty minutes of Scotty describing his dodge ball game in painstaking detail later, we had finally reached the mall and Eli pulled into a parking spot close to the entrance. He pulled his own seatbelt off quickly and got out of the car and opened the passenger door, unbuckling Scotty and picking him up out of the car and placing him on the ground gently as Scotty reached up and grabbed his hand. I noticed that Scotty had a tight grip on Eli's hand and he was leaning into Eli just as strongly as we walked away from the car. I saw Eli bend down a little and ask Scotty if he wanted to be picked up as they walked through the parking lot, but Scotty said it was okay.

Dylan was walking alongside of me, behind Eli and Scotty, and I could tell he saw me studying Eli's behaviour with Scotty as we were making our way to the mall entrance.

He shyly said, "Eli's doing that because he knows Scotty's afraid of parking lots," he told me, and that made a lot of sense. Dylan continued, "I know it looks weird, Scotty's a little old to do that, but it's because of…our mom. The car that hit her was speeding through a parking lot, running away from the police," he said and I widened my eyes. Something had happened to the boys' mom? My heart sunk as I realized 'family breakdown' was one of the reasons listed for children joining the program in those commercials for Big Brothers.

Dylan continued, "Scotty doesn't tell people, but Eli caught on pretty quickly, in the parking lot at the Blue Jays game when we hung out together for the first time. He told us then that he didn't like cars a lot either, one hurt his friend Julia like it hurt our mom, apparently," and my heart sunk. So their mom really did die, and it must have happened relatively recently by the sound of everything.

"Scotty's a brave boy," I told him, looking him right in the eye. "And so are you. You're a perfect big brother, Dylan. I'm sure Angela loves that," I told him playfully and the blush returned to his cheeks.

Scotty and Eli waited for us to catch up at the mall entrance. Once we were all together, I saw that Scotty had ended up in Eli's arms regardless, and now he was staring longingly at the McDonald's that was connected to the mall, but unlike your average seven year old, he wasn't saying anything about his clear wishes.

Eli put him down gently and said, "So, I think our first job should just be to go get something to eat, you boys have been at school all day, you must be hungry," and I winked at him, gesturing towards the McDonald's, and he cast me a smirk that left no doubt in my mind that he had picked up on the same thing that I had.

"You don't have to take us anywhere, Eli, you always do that -" Dylan started, and my heart warmed when I saw what a conscientious boy he was, and when I heard that Eli always did this kind of thing with them.

"Well, I want to go too," Eli said, "and so does Clare. You wouldn't deny Clare that now, would you?" he said mischievously and I let out a few giggles.

"Yeah, I want to go, come on," I said enthusiastically, adding, "but I want to go to…" I paused, getting closer to Scotty and tickling him a little as I said, "McDonald's! I'll only be happy if you take me to McDonald's, boys. If not, I will be very sad, and I'll consider it all _Eli's _fault," I said, pointing my finger at him.

Scotty giggled madly as I continued to tickle him and said, "McDonald's! Yay McDonald's! Let's go, let's go!" and Dylan smiled and said, "All right," as we walked in the direction of the restaurant.

Eli took Scotty's hand and shot me an amused look as he said, "Well played, Edwards".

Once we were in line, Eli took Scotty over to the toy display so he could decide which one he wanted. They returned just as it was our turn to order, and after we all did so, Eli categorically refused to let me pay. This was a battle I hadn't managed to ever win with him when we were dating either. Eventually I just gave in like I always did, this time after Eli asked me what kind of an example would he be setting for Dylan if he made a girl pay, regardless of whether or not we were 'mommy and daddy' as he eloquently put it. I couldn't really argue with that.

The boys ate pretty quickly, and I'm pretty sure that Scotty spent more time playing with his toy than actually eating; after a few tries of getting him to focus, Eli just shrugged and let Scotty do as he pleased, which actually worked as Scotty was a pretty good multitasker. His multitasking did lead to him creating the biggest mess I had ever seen on a table, one that Eli diligently cleaned up right before we left.

Eli and I had taken the time at McDonald's to come up with an action plan; first we'd get all the school supplies we needed at Staples, and then we would pick up some more fun things for the packages and try to find the larger item that we needed at Toys R Us.

Eli also got closer to me at one point when both boys were preoccupied with their food and he softly said, "Once we're at Toys R Us, I'm going to let Scotty and Dylan choose a toy for themselves, as well, okay? I've been meaning to do that with them for a while now, and this is perfect timing," he said, and I told him that was a great idea. Eli had always been really thoughtful and considerate, but seeing how much he cared about the experience Scotty and Dylan had honestly just really made me want to kiss him.

Once we got to Staples, Eli and I both grabbed a shopping cart.

I told the boys, "Okay, boys, so we're buying 80 of everything today because we're sending these things to 80 kids in Kenya, so we need to make sure we count properly so that no little boy or girl gets left out," and they nodded in response.

"How is your counting, Scotty?" I asked, and he responded, "It's good!" and Eli nodded in confirmation, much to my relief. He got closer to me and whispered in my ear, "I'll stick with him just in case," and that sounded like a good plan to me, I reassured myself as I tried to shrug off the shivers that Eli's proximity caused.

We walked all up and down the aisles, filling our carts with pencils, colored pencils, pens, notebooks, rulers, geometry sets, and markers. We also picked up some larger sets of chalk as Darcy had mentioned to me that the kids loved doing that, and Eli made a fantastic suggestion that we send them some books that might help them learn English, so we got those as well.

Our total was just under six hundred dollars, and it made me so happy to see this project finally coming to life. Having each student make a package was a great plan, and I'm glad we got to do that last year so well, but being here with Eli and the boys…the last people I would have ever expected to be here with…it just all felt so perfect to me. As we were walking out of the store, each of us carrying as much as we basically could, I felt tears stinging my eyes when I thought about the way this day had turned around. I didn't want it to end, so I was very grateful we still had Toys R Us to go to.

Eli told Scotty not to wander away in the store as we entered the doors, and I saw he took his hand once again. He explained to me in a soft voice that going into Toys R Us was a bit of sensory overload for Scotty and he got so overwhelmed he didn't know what to even look at first, so he usually took off running in all directions. I giggled at the image, as I didn't find it hard to imagine at all now that I knew Scotty a bit better.

This time, we wandered up and down the aisles and chose things that I could tell the boys had more fun with – stickers and sticker books, tiny monster trucks and tiny dolls (those were my selection), and fun-shaped erasers. We were just turning into a new aisle when Eli and I looked at each other at the same time, the smile on my face meeting his smirk as we both realized we knew exactly what to get the orphanage for the larger item. It was perfect.

"Yes?" was all Eli said, as I nodded in response and we began studying the LeapFrog computer on display. Much to our relief, it was only over a hundred dollars as it wasn't really a computer but rather a recognition reading software application; you put up the pen to the screen and the speaker said the corresponding word. We also picked up a few extra pens and some books, as we thought the kids would have fun holding the pens to the words in the book and hearing the words out loud. This was also perfect as they were all learning English, and Darcy could help them much more this way. Scotty and Dylan both seemed to find it interesting, and after the products passed that ultimate test, we put them in our cart, gently placing the box with the computer in last.

We were slowly walking through the store and headed towards the cash register when Eli said, "Hold up. We still have one more thing to do," and he winked at me before continuing, "Scotty, you and Dylan need to choose one toy for yourselves," and after Dylan's polite objections that Eli was simply having none of, the boys both flashed us an identical joyous smile. About fifteen minutes later, Dylan had chosen a neat-looking set of Star Wars Lego, while Scotty was deciding between one of two Transformers men.

Eli was by his side, looking at all of the other Transformers options as well, but I noticed Scotty's gaze move away from the toys and to the reading corner section of the store opposite from where he was standing. A mom with two boys who seemed to be about two years younger than Scotty and Dylan, but who were definitely brothers, were just finishing a book and the mom placed a gentle kiss on each of their foreheads before placing the book in her basket and leaving with her sons.

Scotty was watching this scene enthralled, and I noticed Eli had picked up on this as well, and he dropped the Transformers that he was carrying just in time to kneel down in front of Scotty as he burst into tears. I felt tears stinging my own eyes as I realized what exactly had made Scotty so sad. Eli didn't say anything to Scotty but just wrapped him up in a hug, lifted him off the ground and brought him over to the reading corner area where he sat down in an armchair. He rocked Scotty slowly and as Dylan and I approached, I could hear him saying, "Shh. Shh. It's okay, little buddy. It's okay to miss her. Shh. Shh," and I noticed that Eli's own eyes were teary and red. He moved Scotty's long blonde bangs out of his eyes and wiped his tears away as Scotty nestled his face into Eli's neck. I noticed his tiny hands were hanging onto Eli's shirt for dear life. Eli continued to coo him, whispering things in his ear, and Scotty's tears were subsiding, but he was shaking a bit despite Eli's best efforts to calm him. I took a quick glance around me, and when I realized where we were, I did a quick alphabetical scan and I silently thanked God as I found what I was looking for.

I placed my hand on Scotty's back, just above where Eli's was resting, and I softly said, "Scotty? Would it be okay if I read my favorite book to you?" and as he pulled away from Eli a bit to see what I was holding out, a small smile stretched across his teary face as he took in the cover displaying the title _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz._ He slowly nodded, and Eli moved him off his lap and next to him as I sat down on the other side of Scotty, laying the book across his lap. Eli gestured for Dylan to come sit on the other side of him, and Dylan immediately did so.

Scotty opened the book and turned the first few pages as I began reading, _"Dorothy lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and Aunt Em, who was the farmer's wife..."_

As I was reading, Eli kept pushing back Scotty's bangs delicately whenever they got in his way, and he would give me these looks every once in a while when he wasn't looking at the boys that nearly had me down for the count. It was as if he was looking at me like I was the only girl in the world, and I'd miss a few words or stutter when I locked my gaze with his, and I just knew my cheeks were deeply red in those moments.

Scotty slowly calmed down as I finished the book, and as I moved to put it away Eli gently laid his hand on mine and said, "No, don't - let's get it – we'll put it on the bill with their toys". Scotty kept staring first at me and then at the illustration of Dorothy on the cover, and then back again and he motioned to say something, but he pursed his lips in determination and just looked down at my shoes as a little frown crossed his face. Eli was flashing me a killer smirk as he noticed this and I couldn't help but let out yet another giggle.

We walked to the check out where Eli paid for the boys' toys and for the book first, and after we nervously watched our total for all of the Project Love items reach three hundred and eighty four dollars and seventy six cents, keeping us just around fifteen dollars in the clear. Eli and I both took a deep breath as I punched in the PIN on the interac transaction and the cashier handed me back the debit card that corresponded to the Project Love account.

"And that, children, is how you blow one thousand bucks in a few hours," Eli said with a smirk as we both took a little bow at the cash register and the boys laughed in response.

About thirty minutes later, Eli had dropped the boys off at home and we were now unloading everything into my house so I could bring it to school where the packages would finally be made under Alli's supervision tomorrow and hopefully mailed off to Kenya by the end of the week.

As he laid the last shopping bag down, Eli placed _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz _on my coffee table as he shyly looked around. I was so embarrassed to realize that the last time he was here, he had walked in on me grabbing Fitz' arm, urging him to leave. I knew Eli didn't blame me for that episode, but I can only imagine how it made him feel. I didn't realize until just recently how much Fitz' return had messed with his head, tipping him closer and closer to an edge that I didn't even see him approaching, not to mention that I contributed to him falling over it.

"Um, okay then, thanks for a really fun day, Clare," he somewhat awkwardly said as he walked to the door. I followed him and said, "Eli, thank _you_. What you did today…I will remember it for the rest of my life," I honestly told him. "So…you have finals now?" I asked him.

He groaned and said, "Ugh, I sure do. Those are a whole new level of awesome," he said in a sarcastic tone.

"When are you done?" I asked, wanting to shoot myself right after. How could I forget?

"Two and a half weeks from now," he said. Was he avoiding saying the date on purpose? "April 22nd, at noon," he continued, giving me my answer. I tried to study his face for a clue as to what he might be feeling, and his eyes displayed a quiet resignation and I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

"I'll be thinking of you. On April 22nd, then," I told him, glancing at him meaningfully and hoping he picked up on what I meant.

"Thanks, Clare. It should be fine, don't worry," he said, and I relaxed a bit when I heard him say that.

_Kiss me. Kiss me, _I was saying over and over in my mind as if that would help it become reality. Eli was giving me that knee-buckling look again, but he wasn't approaching me or anything. _Kiss me or I'll kiss you damn it_, I adapted my train of thought.

Suddenly the door opened and Eli and I both jolted a bit.

"Oh, Eli! What a surprise!" I heard my mom say as she put her purse down.

"Hi, Ms. Edwards. I was just dropping Clare off, we had an errand to do," he politely explained.

"An errand?" my mom said questioningly. I was relieved to see that she didn't seem mad to have walked in on Eli and I alone in the house, but she did seem a bit confused.

"Mom, you'll never believe it," I said gesturing to all of our shopping bags, "but you know Eli writes grants for Big Brothers and she nodded in response, as I continued, "and he found some donors who needed a tax break and connected them to Project Love! And then we went out to buy the actual supplies".

My mom looked as the both of us first in shock and then she smiled as she said, "That's remarkable, Eli! The children in Kenya are going to be over the moon when they receive all these things! And maybe now Clare will finally be able to get some peaceful sleep, she's been stressing non-stop about this Project Love business since Christmas," my mom added, causing my cheeks to feel like they were on fire again.

"I was just a connecting piece, that's all, Mrs. Edwards. I'd best be on my way, it was nice to see you again," he said, opening the door. _No, don't go. _

I heard my mom say, "Well, now just hang on a second, Eli. Why don't you stay for dinner?"_ Yes, stay for dinner. _

Eli gave us both a sad smile as he said, "I'd love to, but I have a meeting on campus – remember Harry, Clare, we ran into him at lunch during your tour? Sorry Ms. Edwards, he's sort of like my boss and he's in town from Montreal for just a few days so we can do something important, I have to be there," he apologetically said as my mom assured him it was fine.

And just like that, after exchanging good-byes, he was gone.

I spend the rest of the evening telling my mom about my day as she silently took it all in.

"Sweetheart, I don't know what to tell you," she said after I was finished.

"What do you mean?" I pursued.

"I can't Eli's mind, and neither can you, but he seems to be very conflicted, Clare – over that promise he made you. The only reason he ever breaks it is to help or support you in these wonderful ways. Do you still love him, honey?" she bluntly asked me.

"I…still have feelings for him. But I'm afraid, mom. Our relationship came crashing down so horribly and I don't know if I can ever get past that. It's so…messy, I don't even know where I'd begin fixing it," I honestly told her.

"That sure was intense, darling. That's what makes this so complicated. He's a good boy, Clare, and he clearly cares for you so…but you're both so young," she said, and I nodded in response.

She continued, "Promise me you'll be careful next year, at U of T?"

"Mom! Eli would never pressure me to do anything like that, he's not that kind of guy," I told her in shock.

She fixed her gaze on me and said, "That's _not _what I meant, Clare. I meant with your heart. And – with his too, sweetheart. Don't string him along," she added, and I slowly nodded before I headed up to my room.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

7am.

9 am.

Noon.

2am.

4:30pm.

6:00pm.

The seconds, minutes, and hours seemed to go by painfully slow today, and I didn't even have the distraction of school available as it was a Saturday. My dad had to go to the law firm office as they are working on an important deal that they are racing to finalize by next week, so I have just been sitting around my house in a vain attempt to do homework and glancing at the time about eleven thousand times so far.

That's enough, I finally concluded – six hours to pack up a tiny rez room and drive thirty minutes is plenty…leaving time in there for a drive to Riverside cemetery. I can't do this anymore, I'm going crazy. I changed into my navy skinny jeans, threw on a flowery button-down shirt, grabbed my jean jacket, slipped on a pair of sandals and grabbed my phone and keys and rushed out the door, doing things as quickly as possible so as to not let myself turn around and change my own mind.

Then I ran. I ran as if I was trying to escape all the negativity of the past two years while desperately clinging on to the good moments, like our day at the mall. When I knocked on their door, Bullfrog was the one to open and his eyes widened as he took my rapid breathing and dishevelled appearance.

"Who am I beating up, Clarabelle?" he said, looking around on the street.

I gave him a sad smile and said, "No, no one, I'm fine, I just ran from my house because…I want to see Eli. Where's Eli? Is he home? Is he at school? Because I know his final ended at noon, and it's past six now, but if he's not back yet, I'll take the street car over there, it's number 24 I think," I was rambling, and Bullfrog gave me a sad smirk that reminded me so much of Eli's.

He gently said in his raspy voice, "He's here. But Clarabelle…this might be too much, he's had a long day," and I felt tears stinging my eyes at the suggestion that my presence wouldn't be helpful but rather hurtful.

I was shaking my head stubbornly, trying to come up with a clear argument as to why he was wrong – because he had to be, but the words weren't coming out.

I then saw Cece emerge at her husband's side and said, "Who is it, Bullfrog?" and as her gaze met mine she said, "Oh, baby girl! What is she still standing around outside for, silly?" she said, shooting her husband a look of daggers that I had no idea she was even capable of producing, and reaching for my arm to lead me in.

Bullfrog just mumbled, "Sorry, Clarabelle, I didn't mean anything by it," but before I could respond Cece said, "Didn't mean anything by what? What did you do?" and I was a little too shocked to process anything. This was the first time I had seen Eli's parents have the slightest disagreement, and I really didn't know what to expect.

"I was an idiot like always," Bullfrog sighed as Cece shot him another ice cold look as he explained, "I told her I don't know if it's so good for her to see Eli today".

Cece shook her head at him and smiled at me warmly as she said, "Wow, it really is true – men really are from Mars," and she gestured for Bullfrog to get out. I felt horrible at the thought that I had basically caused a fight between them, but Bullfrog immediately approached Cece and grabbed her hand gently and laid a small kiss on her forehead, much to my relief and thrill. "I'm sorry love, but you knew what a fool I was when you married me," and she just smiled playfully in return.

"I hope you can forgive me Clarabelle, and I hope you believe me when I tell you that I honestly don't think you're bad news for Eli. You're an amazing girl," he added.

"I believe you, and there's nothing to be forgiven for," I honestly told him. Bullfrog left and Cece pulled me into the kitchen, handing me a cup of lemonade and some cookies on instinct and memory, I guess.

"How are you, baby girl?" she said, pouring a cup for herself.

"I'm…worried," was all I managed to say.

"Clare, don't be. Eli's already learned how to deal with this day by now. I was worried too, but when he came home at around two this afternoon, he told me today's final was the one he probably did best on, he unpacked everything and got his room organized for the summer, and…then we all went to Julia's grave. Of course he was sad there, but we should be worried if he _wasn't _sad, not if he was," she gently said.

"I know he's come a long way," I told her, and tears flooded my eyes now.

"I know that. He came a long way, _without me. _I left him, I know," and I ignored Cece's shaking of her head and continued, "So I know he's fine, but _what about me? _April 22nd means something now for me too, it's a loss for me too, don't you see? Why doesn't anyone see? Yes, _he_'ll be all right, _he_'ll be okay, but _what about me_?" and by this point I was yelling, and I knew I was being selfish, and in front of Eli's parents too, but I needed someone to listen to me.

"What about _me?_" I blurted out again as Cece just speechlessly stared at me in shock and in that moment Eli entered the kitchen, and the look on his face told me he had heard everything.

"Let's go upstairs," he said to me, adding a small, "thanks mom," to Cece.

I silently just followed him up the stairs and into his room. There were a few boxes on the floor; he was still obviously in the process of unpacking all of the things from his dorm.

I sat down on his bed and he took a seat in his desk chair, rolling it over so he was just in front of me.

"I'm sorry I hurt you and ruined this day forever for you too," he whispered, and I took in his bloodshot eyes and messy hair for the first time. He wasn't even bothering to hide the shaking of his hands like he was in the habit of doing around me ever since our break-up.

His hands shook more as he said, "I'll stay away properly from now on, I swear".

"That's not what I want, Eli," I told him, and I lay down horizontally on his bed in an attempt to make myself feel better.

"I…don't know what else to do," Eli said, and I noticed that his lower lip was trembling. "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it," he said.

His voice was breaking so he took a few seconds before he continued and said, "I'm sorry I never realized just how much damage I did to you, Clare. I never wanted that. I only wanted to be with you and treat you right…make you happy," and I assumed his tears overcame him as he turned his chair around so I was unable to see him.

"I know that, Eli. Really, I do. I just wanted to come by because I couldn't think of anything else but you today," I admitted.

"I hate that," he deadpanned.

"You hate…that I think about you?" I asked him.

"I hate that you can't live the normal happy life you deserve because _I_ managed to taint it, even if it's only one day in the year," he slowly said.

"Eli…you asked me what can you do, right?" I said, and he turned around so that his gaze met mine as I reached forward and grabbed his hands and played with the many rings he had on them. I was still laying down as I took his skull ring on and off absent mindedly as I said, "I'd like you to come to my graduation. June 11th. And I know you'd probably come anyway, to see Adam graduate, but I want to invite you to come…for me. I want to look into the audience and know that you're there…for me. Just like we always said, remember?" I pleaded, my tears falling on his pillow.

"I remember. I'll be there," he resolutely said and he reached for a tissue and wiped my tears away as he whispered, "But please don't cry".

I recalled what he had said to me pretty much exactly a year ago and I repeated it back to him after all this time. "I'll stop if you stop," and I pulled him off of his chair and onto the bed as I stood up, crawled into his lap, hugging him tightly as I whispered, "You're coming. Don't forget," and he softly responded, "I won't. I'll be there".

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review! What was your favourite part and what would you like to see happen next?**


	18. My Heart Has a History

**Hi lovely readers! **

**So this is finally the last chapter of Clare's gr 12 year/Eli's 1****st**** year! I just want to say…this is very much a ECLARE story, and I know we all want to see them back ASAP, and I promise you that will happen after they figure out everything and prove the necessary things to each other. I promise you they will come together, and when they do, it will be wonderful. **

**Special thanks to my fantastic reviewers MelissaIsLame (what a sweet review!), MaddieLovesEclare (you are too cute. I just adore that that email made you happy), Cool Person (major apologies for leaving you out last time! Totally unintended, I love your detailed reviews! So I'm very sorry!), musiksnob (that makes two of us…they are driving me insane as well), ilovetaylorswift13 (loved you noticed their touchy feely-ness), eclaredegrassi95, CheapNovelty (booyeah right back at you), xeneti (I always look forward to your reviews, they are excellent. And I love that you loved the tour! I worked as tour guide at my uni, and am pretty familiar with U of T), my special Degrassi friend StalkerAngel (you have to stop apologizing for your long reviews because they make my day! Honestly!), and EpicNinjaChica (I do check her tweets, but it totally depresses me how Eli's are about how depressed and sick he is, while Clare's are about bike rides, giggling with Alli and such….insensitive much?)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real-world references I happen to make.**

**Eli's POV**

_Hi Eli, _

_It was great meeting with you in Toronto last week; I appreciate you taking the time to see me. I know how busy you must be, especially considering that our meeting was around the time of final exams. I'm very pleased you decided to accept the chapter co-ordinator position and I am very excited about the work the U of T chapter will be doing in the upcoming year; as our biggest chapter, Toronto is always an important example for all the other chapters, and will especially be so next year as it hosts the regional meeting. _

_I have not yet decided who your partner co-ordinator will be, I am still waiting to hear back from the other student I have offered the position to. As soon as she gets back to me, you'll be the first to know. I kept in mind what you told me about feeling more comfortable with a co-ordinator who could handle the more social aspect of things, and if she accepts I am confident that her energy will make you two the perfect team. I recommend you two have just one or two meetings over the summer to discuss what you would like to do at your first chapter meeting, but this will depend on your own summer schedules and locations, obviously. _

_In regards to what we talked about in person, I did want to write to you to let you know that I have taken in consideration your insight and will present it to the rest of the board as we make our final decisions this afternoon. _

_Thank you for everything Eli – the U of T chapter is lucky to have you as its co-ordinator next year!_

_Sincerely, _

_Harry Lambert_

_Canada Centennial Foundation Program Director _

_100 Sherbrooke Street, West_

_Montreal M5X 4F5_

Hmm. All right, 'taken into consideration' then – could be worse, I guess. He could _not_ be taking into consideration what we talked about right? Who knows, I hope that's not just polite e-mail speak for 'I really could care less what the lowly student has to say'. Harry was such a genuine and nice guy though, his writing really did give me the impression that he was listening to my opinion. I really have no choice but to trust that he gave my argument a thought, because it really was a sound argument like Dr. Sadler would term it, I thought with a smile as I remembered all the times she'd try to talk me out of my self-deprecating ways.

Just as I was thinking back to some of our sessions, my mom came into my room.

"Hey, mom. What's up?" I asked her.

"I am just about to head out shopping – I'm going to the Eaton Centre. Wanted to see if you need me to pick you up anything?" she asked as she glanced around my room.

"I actually wanted to go there myself," I told her, "I need to look around for something," I ambiguously said.

"Oh, well what is it, I'll get it for you," she told me, but unfortunately it wasn't that simple.

"I…wanted to get Clare something for when I go to her graduation," I admitted, and I looked down at the ground in an attempt to hide my blush from my mom. This was all a little too embarrassing.

"Oh," was all she said.

"She asked me to come, and I promised her I would. It's on June 11th," I told her, thinking she might as well know everything.

"Baby boy, what's going on there?" she directly said.

"Nothing, mom," I stubbornly said.

"Eli." She countered, giving me a strict look. That wasn't a very frequent occurrence with my mom.

"I wish I could tell you, but I just don't know," I admitted.

"You two have seen a little bit more of each other than usually lately, huh?" she pursued.

"I know I promised her –" I started, but my mom cut me off.

"That's not what I said, Eli. And she's the one who asked you to come to her graduation, right?" she asked, as I nodded in response. She continued, "Well, of course you'll go then, Eli. Just…be careful, all right? I don't want to see you get your hopes up. Maybe Clare misses…your friendship," she gently put it.

"I don't expect us to get back together, mom," I honestly told her. "I messed that up way beyond the point of repair," I added, and my mom just sighed in response.

"Eli…just…let's go to the mall and find her something pretty, all right?" she said with a warm smile as I softly responded, "I'll drive," hoping my mom wouldn't relay our entire conversation to my dad later. If my mom had her doubts about me and Clare establishing more contact, I had a strong feeling my dad didn't really desire it at all.

**Clare's POV**

"Sweetheart, I found this in our mailbox, and I think it's for my lovely daughter on her graduation day," I heard my mom say as she came into my room.

As soon as she glanced at me in my blue robe though, I saw a big smile cross her face and I could see tears stinging her eyes all at the same time.

"Oh, Clare," she softly sighed. "You look beautiful," she said as she embraced me in a hug and added, "I can't believe my baby is graduating high school". I knew today might be emotional for both of my parents, as this was a moment they hadn't really experienced with Darcy.

"I'm going to U of T mom, it'll be like I never even left," I said, in an attempt to make her feel better.

"I know, honey, I know you'll be close – but I can't help but feel that everything is changing," she said as she pulled out of the hug and sat down on my bed.

"Mom….did you and dad talk? About the house?" I hesitatingly asked.

"Oh, of course honey, ages ago – he agrees that the best thing is for me to live here while he stays at the condo, and then on holidays and during the summer when you're home we'll go back to our usual pattern, okay? And when you come home for the week-ends, we'll switch days, or maybe we'll both stay or something or other – we'll see, but don't you worry about that, okay?" she asked.

I nodded in response, somewhat still feeling doubtful but at least relieved that they were keeping the house and that they seemed to be aware of the fact that I would like to see them both when I came home. I was surprised to hear my mom mention the possibility of both of them staying in the house at the same time if I come home on a weekend – the times when the three of us were all together had been so rare in that past two years that it seemed somewhat strange to me to even imagine such a possibility.

"But sweetheart, here, open this," she said, as she handed me a small square package wrapped in blue tissue paper and decorated with a silver ribbon.

"How do you think know this is for me?" I asked my mom, silently hoping that my first instinct was right and that it was indeed for me…from the one person it seemed like I had always planned on sharing this day with.

"Oh, I just have a feeling, that's all," my mom said as she tucked one of my curls behind my ear, giving me her motherly knowing tone for the first time today.

I removed the ribbon and stripped the wrapping paper off to reveal a delicate jewellery box that I could tell peaked my mom's curiosity despite her efforts to appear nonchalant. Once I opened it, I saw a delicate gold chain that had an exquisite pendant in the shape of an angel hanging from it. The angel was made of the same beautiful gold as the chain, but its halo was crystal blue. _You're an absolute angel, Clare _flashed through my mind as I stared at the necklace in shock.

"Wow. That's beautiful, love," my mom said. "Read the note," she added.

I noticed a small, folded-up piece of paper in the box and when I opened it up, I recognized the slanted handwriting immediately.

"_Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful"_ was all it said.

"That's so true, sweetheart," my mom said, as I gestured for her to help me put the necklace on. I touched the pendant, enjoying its cool feeling against my skin, and as soon as my mom had locked it, I felt the need to explain to her, "It's…what Romeo said to Juliet". My mom flashed me a sassy smirk as she said, "I'm aware of that, Clare."

"So, your father will meet as the school and…I'm assuming Eli is also meeting us there?" she added and felt my cheeks redden instantly at the mention of his name. I told my mom I had invited him and she seemed happy to hear the news. I was grateful she wasn't pushing it though – I knew she was well aware he was the one to give me the necklace, but I was afraid that if the questions started coming, I simply wouldn't have the answers for her.

I'm trying to come to terms with my feelings for Eli, but I've also realized that I'm still…scared. I'm scared to jump back into a relationship with him, regardless of how all I want to do whenever I'm around him is kiss him.

"I think so," I nervously added, "I haven't talked to him since I invited him to come, but I think he'll remember," I shyly added.

"Oh, he'll be there, I'm sure," my mom said, once again employing her I'm-not-going-to-say-what-I-mean-but-just-strongly-imply-it-tone that she seemed to use so much lately whenever the subject of Eli came up.

"Let's go get me a Degrassi-graduate daughter," she said with a smile as she wrapped her arms around me.

I did one final mental check that I had everything I needed before we left the house so I could head to Degrassi for the very last time, and I realized…_I was ready. _

Once we got to the school, my mom and I had to split up; I had to head straight to the auditorium so Principal Simpson wouldn't have a heart attack in his efforts of making sure all the grads were seated in the correct order on the stage, and my mom still had a bit of time before parents would be allowed to come into the theatre. She told me she was going to wait outside for my dad, and I couldn't help but tear up a little at the realization that they were planning on sitting together after all. I had tried to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that they would sit at completely different ends of the auditorium, telling myself I could do it, but deep down I knew that it would be heartbreaking if the vision I had had for so long of my parents sitting side by side on my graduation day wouldn't come true.

I headed inside the auditorium, walking slowly as I wasn't too used to my new heels, and I was immediately embraced by a very excited Alli, who instantly snapped about a dozen photos of us before I was anywhere near ready.

"Clare! Can you believe it! We finally did it! And now we're just a day away from being out of this place and on to college, on to living in the dorms, meeting cute boys…" she squealed, enumerating a million possibilities and visions of college that I was quite sure she had every intention of acting out once we got there. Now that's a bit of a disturbing thought, but one step at a time, I thought.

Adam also came up to us, and he also had a huge smile on his face.

"One day away until I can finally say I survived high school…all I can say is – _booyeah_!" he joyfully exclaimed, banging his head and placing one hand on each of our shoulders as we made our way to the stage. Sadly, we had to split up once we got there, following Principal Simpson's somewhat frantic instructions – our seats were not all that close together. Alli sat next to Wesley, while Adam was next to Dave, while my seat was at the end of the aisle, leaving me a clear path towards the podium for when I would have to head up there and do my valedictorian speech.

Wesley and I were actually doing it together – Principal Simpson had told us we were the teachers' nominees and we had the option of asking the class to vote for one of us, or to do a joint speech, and we both immediately said we would much rather just do it together. I was somewhat also pleased because the time we spent writing it together allowed me to show Wesley that I was not a vampire obsession-crazed tween anymore; writing it together was at times awkward as Wesley's humour was…an acquired taste, and I had to talk him out of throwing in a few jokes here and there that I knew would reduce the auditorium to crickets.

As soon as Principal Simpson quieted us all down and gave us one last review of the procedures, the curtain closed and parents and friends were allowed to come in. Once they were settled, Mr. Simpson came to the front one last time and said, "All right, grads – this is it. It's been an absolute pleasure to be both your teacher in some cases," he said, as he cast a warm glance at me, Alli, Connor and Dave that brought tears to my eyes, "and your principal for all of you. Now it's time to go out with a bang!" he enthusiastically said, taking his place at the podium and motioning for the curtains to open.

Once they did, the auditorium erupted in applause and I scanned the audience, somewhat in disbelief that this moment was finally here. I knew my mom liked to sit close to the front for these types of things, so I searched the first few rows and…_there they were._ My mom and my dad were sitting together, and…Eli was there too just as he had promised, the sight causing me to let out a shaky breath.

Was there really a doubt in my mind that he just wouldn't come though? He was wearing a dark blue dress shirt with small vertical, darker navy lines on it, and his eyes were shining as his gaze met mine. I wondered if he could see my wild blush under the lights of the stage, and I was pretty sure I saw him smirk as he noticed I was wearing the beautiful necklace he gave me. He also had a gorgeous bouquet of purple and pink flowers resting on his lap. Were those for me? Lana was on the other side of Eli, while Adam's parents and Drew were in the row below, and my heart went out to her, knowing why she chose to not sit in Mrs. Torres' proximity, but rather sought refuge next to Eli.

Principal Simpson gave his own speech telling everyone how proud he was of us and how he expected to see great things from each and every one of us before calling Wesley and I to do the podium to deliver our own speech. I noticed the pronounced smirk on Eli's face when Principal Simpson announced my name as one of the valedictorians, and throughout my entire speech, I found the courage to meet his gaze several times, and his smirk had turned into a beaming smile that I had never seen sustained on his face for so long on any other previous occasion.

The audience responded to our speech very well – Wesley's jokes that had previously gained my approval were met with laughter just as I had anticipated they would be – and my nervousness subsided whenever I stole a glance at Eli's look of pride…later making me wonder if I had perhaps locked my gaze with his a little too long, especially when Alli walked by me after receiving her diploma and an envelope containing a Science Award scholarship. She seemed to have rolled her eyes at me. I knew how she felt about Eli, and she wasn't too impressed to hear that I had received a campus tour from him…but I didn't think she was entirely correct.

Wesley was next after Alli, and I heard a few cheers and murmurs of congratulations from the crowd as Mr. Simpson announced that he had won a Canada Centennial Foundation Provincial Scholarship. I tried to be happy for him, and I really was, but I couldn't help but feel a pang of regret. I guess Mrs. Dawes' instincts were meeting their first year of being wrong, and that was what I hated the most – she knew, as well as my parents, that I had applied for that scholarship as well, and I couldn't help but feel that I was disappointing all of them.

A few more names passed after Wesley was safely back in his seat, holding his diploma and a Centennial Foundation envelope and sporting his tassel on the opposite side of his hat than the one that mine was currently resting on. I remained a little frozen, not wanting to meet Eli's gaze in light of that last announcement. I knew he had won that scholarship last year, and on a few occasions I let myself imagine the two of us having that in common.

I snapped out of it as the girl next to me left her seat in order to get her diploma and then Principal Simpson called out my name, giving me a fond look that I mirrored, thinking back of all the fun I had in his class, and even of all the trouble I caused for him, because that look told me that it was all water under the bridge and that he really did enjoy having me at Degrassi. Besides, he had clearly spelled it out for me in that manner when I showed him the photos Darcy sent me of the children at the orphanage enjoying all of their Project Love materials.

As I was making my way to the stage, Principal Simpson didn't need to glance at the paper he had resting on the podium as after calling my name he added, "Clare will be headed to the University of Toronto in the fall, studying in their Arts and Sciences faculty," and my entire body tingled with excitement at that official announcement. Because…U of T would be my school now, just as soon as I would be on the other side of the podium Mr. Simpson was at. However, he didn't just grab my diploma from the side as he had done with all the previous students, but he reached for another piece of paper as well, confusing me. What was he doing?

His smile then got bigger as she said, "And I'm very pleased to announced this evening that Clare Edwards is _also_ a winner of the Canada Centennial Foundation Provincial Scholarship," and I couldn't believe what he had just said. This never happened! I have never seen more than one student from one school win one of these major scholarships – not in Holly J's year, not in Eli's year…there were in fact many years when _no one _from Degrassi won one. I always thought it was some sort of unwritten rule for the Foundation to never award more than one scholarship to the same school, but the smile on Principal Simpson's face and the excited clap that came from Mrs. Dawes, who was seated in the front row, confirmed that I wasn't dreaming.

I finally got to the podium – the entire walk being maybe about fifteen steps but truly feeling like an eternity – and Principal Simpson stepped away from the microphone and told me, "Congratulations, Clare, you truly deserve it," as I was still a little in shock.

I heard Adam cheering from the stage, and a few surprised gasps from both the stage and the audience – I guess I wasn't the only one who had the one-student-only theory. I looked over to my mom and dad and noticed that my dad reached over and held my mom's hand for a minute as they exchanged excited smiles; obviously a little surprised themselves to see the one-student-theory that I had shared with them so many times be disproven. As I looked around, this had surprised many people - it was written clearly on their faces…but when I glanced over at Eli, he seemed to be the only person in the auditorium who was _not_ surprised. He just flashed me a proud, and slightly amused smirk and clapped his hands slowly as his eyes widened with humour. He was clearly enjoying this.

After Adam made his way across the stage and received his diploma and the same Science Award scholarship as Alli, causing loud cheers from Eli and Lana, who high fived each other after Adam shot them a death glare, I pretty much tuned out the rest of the repetitive ceremony until the moment in which we all threw our hats up in the air and became official Degrassi Community School graduates.

Afterwards, everything was a bit chaotic as we all made our way out of the auditorium and to the front of school where people started to amalgamate in little masses. I went over to where Alli was standing with her parents and they took several photos of us together, I took one of her and Sav, her mom took one of me and her and Sav, and then I took one of their entire family.

She gave me another bone-crushing hug and as she was checking to see that her mascara hadn't worn off she said, "I'm going to go take a few pictures with Jenna, but meet me in about ten minutes, okay? Don't go anywhere, don't leave before saying bye, all right?" and I nodded in response.

I saw my mom and dad talking excitedly to each other – a rare sight these days – as they stood next to a picnic table. Eli was sitting on the table, a little to the side, giving them some space and staring intensely at the flowers he had now placed down on the table.

I approached them and was immediately met with a "Sweetheart, congratulations!" and a hug from my mom. I felt his dad place his hand on my shoulder as I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the three-way connection that was such a rare occurrence these days. When I opened them, I saw Eli giving me a small smile as he ran his hand through his hair a bit uncomfortably.

He came up to my dad, gesturing towards his camera and said, "I'll take a photo for you," and my dad handed him the camera and came and stood beside me, placing an arm around my shoulders. My mom did the same and Eli counted to three and snapped a couple of photos. He then took one of just me and my mom and just me and my dad, and then handed the camera back to my dad.

"Congratulations on being valedictorian and on the scholarship, Clare," he softly told me.

I saw my mom gaze at the two of us and she said, "That's the same one you got last year, right, Eli?" and I felt a massive blush creeping on my cheeks.

"Yeah, same one," he answered, "and I need to talk to you about that Clare," he confidently continued as I narrowed my eyes at him. "You'll see that the Foundation wants to get all the winners together at different points throughout the year – we all make a chapter at U of T and there's chapters all across the country. We all have meetings once a year too – last year I went to the one in Montreal, but this time it's right here in Toronto. Anyway, the thing is, I just became the co-ordinator for the U of T chapter…so…" he said, moving his gaze to the side, "…so I'll be there, at the meetings. But there's about sixty people in the U of T chapter, so there'll be a lot of other people there, and the meetings are always jam packed and crazy, and I'll spend most of the time working with Harry, the guy who works for the foundation anyway," he quickly said.

It was obvious he desperately wanted to get this off his chest, and I sighed in response. What had I done…Eli was so…_tormented_ by this promise of his. I saw my mom look at him sadly and my dad looked a little confused. He didn't know as much as my mom about what had happened between Eli and I, so he's probably wondering why Eli is telling me he will, but actually won't, be seeing me at these chapter meetings.

"Eli," I said, interrupting his little rant, "I'm excited we're going to be there together," and his face instantly displayed an astonished look and he stopped talking.

My mom adjusted her scarf and said, "Well, that sounds great, you two," and I didn't want anyone to make any more awkward transitions that would cause Eli to walk away for weeks or months again. He reached to the table and grabbed the flowers he had brought and handed them over to me, shyly saying "These are for you," as I thanked him and buried my face in them for a second.

I raised my glance to meet his and I knew I didn't want to miss my opportunity, so I said, "Eli, will you take a photo with me?" and he smirked and said, "Of course". I saw my mom grab the camera from my dad and she told us to go stand against a background of trees. I brought my pretty flowers with me and as soon as we were in front of the trees as my mom had indicated, I leaned into Eli a bit and he instinctively put one of his hands on my lower back, which caused me to lean into him a bit more as my mom snapped a photo. I felt tears stinging my eyes – I was so happy that I at least got my photo of me and Eli together on my graduation day.

"And we need one with Adam too !" I found myself blurting as Eli chuckled and said, "Of course."

My mom handed me the camera as she smiled at me and told me, "Take your time with all your friends, okay Clare? I think your dad and I are going to head home – and then we'd like to take you to dinner after you're done here, so just meet us at home, all right?" and I thanked her, grateful for how well she was able to read me. She asked Eli if he could drive me home, and he promised he would.

Eli and I found Adam pretty quickly, and Lana warmly offered to take a photo of just the three of us, then I took a photo of just Adam and Eli, Adam took a photo of just Lana and I, and Wesley took a photo of all four of us. Then Eli made Wesley and I take a photo together, playfully saying the two valedictorians need a picture together. I then took a photo of Wesley and his girlfriend Hanna for him, and after that Wesley so elegantly and extremely loudly asked if Eli and I had a photo together yet, innocently assuming that would be the equivalent of the photo I had just taken for him. Eli rapidly blushed and told Wesley not to worry about it.

Mrs. Dawes then called Eli and me over to her – she was standing pretty far away from the general crowd, and we headed in her direction after I left my flowers on a table close to where Alli was, remembering that I promised not to leave without saying good bye to her. Mrs. Dawes gave us both me and Eli a hug, and she had a beaming smile as she said, "Look at my two Centennial scholarship winners! It's nice to see you here, Eli. I hope both you and Clare both stay in touch from U of T," and we both gently assured her we would.

After we said good-bye to her, Eli moved to head back towards the front of the school where everyone was, but I grabbed his hand and said, "Let's go this way for a bit, okay?" and as he cast me an intriguing look, I led him to a picnic table that was a little further from the crowd and to the side.

"Thank you for being here," I told him, as I guided him to sit down next to me and I turned so I was completely facing them.

"I'm really happy you asked me to come," he responded, as I admired his green eyes yet another time. I was pretty sure they'd always have the power to unsteady me, no matter how familiar I am with them.

"E-Eli, there's something I want to tell you," I said, and I quickly added, "I think it's time we let go of that promise you made me," and I saw him flinch at my choice of words. His eyes left mine, and he looked down at the ground. I gave him a few seconds and then he slowly raised his gaze and I noticed he was blushing just the slightest bit. I could feel my heart beat faster as I knew that whatever words I'd desperately string together next wouldn't be enough.

So I slowly moved closer to him and placed my hands on his chest as he stared at me in shock. I needed him to know everything I felt, and I was tired of waiting for him to realize as I realized he was too scared to push me, so I gently laid my lips on his and kissed him softly. I instantly felt his chest rising and falling very rapidly as his breathing got shallow and he responded ever so gently, as if he was unconvinced that this was really happening or as if he was afraid to hurt me. I felt him wrap his hands around my lower back as he pulled me in a little closer and he took the lead on the kiss… it had been so long since a single kiss had made me feel so much that I felt my body tremble a bit. Eli pulled away immediately when he felt that, and his extremely flushed face had a look of horror as he kept saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm such an idiot," but I grabbed his hands and placed a gentle kiss on his lips again, soon moving one of my hands to the back of his neck to make sure he wouldn't pull away. This time he responded a little more eagerly and I soon felt him sigh happily and now he was the one who shivered. I pulled away slowly and grinned up at him. If Eli's face was _that_ red, I could only imagine what my own looked like.

I quickly intertwined our hands as his eyes never left mine as he said, "Wow" and I giggled in response.

However, his blissful look quickly turned to one of nervousness and worry, so I leaned towards him again, but he whispered, "Wait. What does this mean? I can't kiss you like that just to have it be a graduation good-bye kiss, for the sake of how we always imagined this day…you mean too much to me to that, Clare. If a good-bye kiss feels like this, then…" he said and I felt tears stinging my eyes when I heard him say that.

"It's not like that, Eli," I assured him.

"So then what's it like? You want to go back to dating me? Are you're sure that's what you want?" he asked, and my mouth wouldn't listen to my mind. _Say yes. Say yes, damn it. _

However, what I managed to say instead was, "I want us to figure this all out, there's just some things I want to talk about, and I mean _really_ talk about. There's so much about the two past years that we don't know about each other," I tried to explain, "but I want you and me to go somewhere, right now, and start figuring it out," I said, and I placed a gentle kiss on the corner of his lips and rested my head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around me. I knew I was asking a lot of him, and not giving him enough, so I desperately hoped he would take a chance on me.

I felt him sigh and he reached down to tuck one of my stray curls behind my ear as he said, "Okay".

I raised my head so I could meet his glance and told him, "Then let's go. I don't want to wait another second longer. I just need to go say bye to Alli and grab my flowers," I explained, and he nodded and I ran off to find Alli.

It didn't take me long to find her, because I could hear her before I could even see her, and as she took in my blush she asked, "Umm, care to explain where you have been?"

"Kissing Eli," I told her happily.

"What?" she blurted. "Clare…that's why I told you to meet him, because I saw him here," she said.

"I asked him to come," I told her. I hadn't given her this piece of information before because I didn't feel like getting a lecture from her.

"Clare, you're doing it again," she said in a disbelieving tone.

"Doing what?" I asked her.

"You're falling for his tricks," she said in an accusing manner.

"What tricks?" I insisted.

"What happened with Eli doesn't make you a bad person, it makes him a crazy one who can't be trusted. He's bad news, Clare. Don't you remember that messed up story he wrote? How can you be with him alone after that…he wrote that _about you_!" she kept pushing.

"Alli, that was two years ago. He's different, he got better," I told her, starting to get a little annoyed with her.

"I know you feel guilty about what happened after you guys broke up…but face it, Clare – he would have done something like that anyway, don't you see? And _he will_, but maybe this time you'll be around for it as well. Breaking up with him was good!" she continued.

"I'm not saying I regret breaking up with him them, I'm saying getting back together with him now is the right thing to do," I was trying to explain.

"It's the same thing! So he's in college now, and he works with little kids – but he is _the same guy_, Clare," she kept saying.

"No, he's not. You're wrong," I told her, tears stinging my eyes.

"Clare – leaving Eli alone once and for all is not the wrong thing to do. You don't have to keep running back to him to make sure he's okay," she said.

"He's better, he got better, it'll be different this time," I kept repeating.

"Clare…open your eyes," she said, her tone changing from one of frustration to one of warmth as she added, "He's not doing it so blatantly, but his manipulating ways have not changed – he just happened to come on the snowboarding trip for fun? Cause we all know the big joiner that Eli is! He came there because he knew _you_ and Jake were going to be there! He made it all work so _he_ was the one giving you a tour of U of T, he blatantly pitched for Project Love because it was _your_ thing, and…now you have that Centennial scholarship, and I know they have a program for everyone who wins it, and oh, _guess who_ has one too! Don't you see, Clare? He's just not as blatant about it, but he is _the same old Eli_," she said.

I stuttered, trying to find my next words as she said, "Can you honestly tell me you're sure that he's not?"

I looked away from her and said, "I'm…scared of getting back into a relationship, but Eli's changed," I tried to tell her. "You don't know him like I do," I said, but Alli immediately countered, saying "That's exactly what you said last time".

I took a step back and she said, "You don't have any obligation to him, Clare. It's not your fault he's like, _obsessed_ with you! That doesn't mean you have to date him, or even be around him. You need to get away from him," she concluded.

"Eli might be intense, and passionate, and he does these make crazy elaborate schemes all the time, and yes he frightens me sometimes, and what he did when we broke up was so horribly manipulative, so how can I not be scared? But…" I started, turning my back to her, trying to process the examples she had given me – no, those were consequences…right? They had to be, I thought to myself, but as I lifted my gaze from the floor, I found myself staring into a pair of green eyes that I had never seen look so hurt. When did Eli get here? By the look of sheer terror on his face, I just knew he had heard everything. His eyes were tearing up and he just stood there, frozen. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die when I noticed that horrible tension was once again present in his body.

Alli seemed regretful when she saw him and she said, "Eli, I was just…" but he shook his head as I noticed a tear fall down his face and he said, "No, it's fine. I get it". His voice was raspy and I had never seen anyone look so utterly devastated; it was as if he was completely disengaged from his body.

He looked away from me and said, "Clare, I promised your mom I'll drive you home. Alli, if I have _your permission_, that's a promise I'd like to keep. That's because the last time I didn't, a girl who would have done nothing but good died because I didn't drive her," and I widened my eyes to hear Eli talk to Alli about Julia so openly. His tone was cold and distant as he said, "I won't kill Clare on the drive, I promise. If you want, you can come with us to make sure. Oh, but wait, you're probably scared of me, so that doesn't work. Well, maybe can ask Sav to come, I know he's not scared of me. Whatever you two decide, I'm going to wait for you on that bench," he said, and he walked over there determinedly.

"Clare – how can you say he's _not_ messed up?" Alli deadpanned as soon as he was out of earshot.

"Alli, just, just…I'm leaving, all right? I'll call you tomorrow," I said, and walked over to where Eli was. How could it be that just a few minutes ago we were happily kissing?

As I approached, he pulled out his car keys from his pocket and said, "Are you going home now?" as I said, "No, I want to talk to you, Eli".

"You're…scared…of me. I heard it, that's all the talking I need," he said, walking quickly through the parking lot and eventually holding the car door open for me.

I got in, and as Eli got in the driver's seat I wanted to say all the right things to him, but I couldn't think of how to fix this. All I could think was that this couldn't be happening again. I couldn't hurt him like this again.

"Eli, listen to me," I started, but he gently pulled over and said, "Clare. I need to make this ten minute drive. And in order for me to make it, I need to see and think clearly and I can't do that if I allow even the slightest thought about what just happened in my mind. So, please, just don't bring it up," he told me, and all I could do was nod in response.

We got to my house faster than that, though, and I wasn't about to let things end this way.

When Eli parked, I took his hand, only to have him pull it away immediately.

"E-Eli," I started, and I felt the tears stinging my eyes. I started saying something that made sense in my head, but it only came out as incoherent mumbling.

I saw Eli sigh and reach for some tissues and he passed them to me, holding on to my hand, much to my relief. I held on tightly, as it was the only thing that was keeping me the slightest bit sane.

"Look at me," he gently said, and I did as he asked. "This…is your graduation day. You were valedictorian and won a major scholarship – this is a good, happy day. Please, stop crying. If you want to make me feel better, please stop crying," he continued, and I really wanted to respect his wish, so I gathered all my strength and did so.

Eli flashed me a smirk and said, "There you go, all better," and he pushed a stray curl behind my ear and said, "I want you to go have a nice dinner with your parents and enjoy this beautiful day. Thank you for letting me be a part of it, but now it's time to be with your family and enjoy the last little bit of your day before you're a U of T student," and his smirk turned into a smile as he referenced his current school and my future school.

"Will you do that for me? Will you enjoy the rest of this day with your parents?" he gently asked and I nodded in response.

He flashed me another smirk and said, "Okay, then, they're probably waiting for you," and he got out of the car and walked around, eventually opening my door for me.

He walked me to the front door and said, "Congratulations again, Clare," and walked back to the car before I had any time to react.

I walked into my house and immediately hugged my mom, telling her everything that had just happened.

"Sweetheart…don't cry," she warmly said, seeing the tears stinging my eyes.

"I told Eli I wouldn't cry, I don't want to," I said, shaking my head.

"Give it time, Clare. He wasn't mad, he drove you home," she pointed out.

"But he was hurt. And Alli was wrong, and I was just about to tell her, but then I was all confused, and…my flowers!" I remembered. I just left them there on the table, to die. "I want my flowers, mom. I left them at school. We need to go get them. Now. I want to get them. They're my flowers that Eli gave me, I want them. I don't want to leave them there to die. We need to go, mom, right now," I said, repeating it over and over again as my dad gave my mom a worried glance. She was hugging me, rocking me slightly, making no motion to get up, much to my displeasure.

"I'll go," he said, and he grabbed the car keys and walked out the door.

"It's okay sweetheart, your dad's got them. It's okay," she said.

"Eli said not to cry, to have a nice time with you and dad," I told her, trying to hang on to every word he had told me and search for clues. His calm and lucidity had surprised me. I almost wished that he had gotten mad, because then I could figure out what he was thinking. But that eerie calm…it seemed like…resignation on his part.

"Well, let's do that then, sweetheart," she responded, and I took a deep breath. This was one promise to him that I could keep.

**Eli's POV**

"Baby boy, do you want some early dinner? We don't have to wait for your father, we can have a dinner together, just you and me," I heard my mom say as she sat down on my bed beside me. My back was turned towards her and I had every intention of staying that way.

"No, it's okay mom, let's wait for dad," I said, hoping those few words wouldn't give away the fact that I was crying.

"All right. But I made you some cookies," she said, and I noticed she had laid a plate on my desk when she first came in. No. I wasn't about to do to this to my parents again. They had been through enough. I had put them through enough.

I turned around, stood up, and washed my face in the bathroom before coming back in my room.

"Mom, don't worry. Nothing's wrong," I lied.

"What happened?" she softly asked.

"Just some dead flowers, that's all," I said. "Do you want to go downstairs and watch some TV?" I asked her, hoping my fake stability would comfort her.

It seemed to do the trick, as she smiled and said, "I'd like that".

**Clare's POV**

_Please be home. Please be home. _It was a weekend; he had to be at home; he couldn't be at work. Adam had seen him last night for guys' night, he had told me, and much to my relief he said that Eli was fine and laughing and joking like he normally did at guys' night. I didn't tell Adam I was planning on seeing him today; it wasn't that I didn't trust Adam, it was just that sometimes he let things slip by accident and I didn't want Eli to avoid me.

I knocked on the door and held my breath. Bullfrog opened it shortly, and I really wished Cece had come to the door instead.

"Clarabelle," he sadly said.

"I know you don't want me to see him…" I started, but Bullfrog flashed me that same sad smirk that was the last image I had of Eli from last week.

"It's not like that, Clarabelle. He's not here," he responded.

Just then, Cece also appeared in the doorway, also flashing me a small smile.

"Oh, that's all right. When is he coming home?" I asked with a look and stance of determination.

Cece slowly said, "September 1st," and I felt my jaw drop. What was she talking about?

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"Eli…took a job in Ottawa, working at the Big Brothers office down there. It was sort of a…last minute thing," she explained.

"What? He's in Ottawa? All summer? He left? When?" I asked.

"Just this morning, baby girl," Cece answered.

Bullfrog awkwardly nodded and walked away as I just stood there in shock. I didn't want to break down again in front of Eli's parents, but…this was too much. He…_just left?_

"It's a summer job, sweetheart. A lot of college students do this kind of thing," she gently pursued.

"He _had_ a summer job! He was going to work right here in downtown Toronto! He was going to take that Creative Writing course at U of T that he needs for the major. What, now he's just _not_ going to do that major? He wanted to double major in both things!" I said in frustration.

"He got into the English Lit major, and he said he'll take 6 courses next semester. He still wants to do a double major," she slowly added. "It was a good opportunity, and he took it. That's all there is to this," Cece added.

"Then _why_ didn't he tell me?" I pleaded, tears stinging my eyes.

Bullfrog came back and sadly held a piece of paper out to me. "He wrote this to you, just in case, he said," and I recognized his slanted handwriting forming my name on the envelope.

"Thank you," I said, clutching it desperately, hoping that letter could give me the ray of hope I needed.

I said goodbye to Eli's parents and wondered why on Earth they don't just kick me off their property these days, and as soon as I turned the corner I slumped to the ground and began reading.

_ Dear Clare…_


	19. Letters and Emails

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback on that last chapter – I realize it may have not been the most pleasant to read, but…just read the next chapters is all I really have to say! I tried to update quickly as requested most potently by my friend StalkerAngel, and I will put up two chapters because I feel they go hand in hand. **

**Thank you so much to all my wonderful reviewers meandthatperson, Cool Person, ilovetaylorswift13, my official rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel, CheapNovelty, xStayWithMe (so happy to see you are reading this story too, Degrassi buddy!), ToDecember, EpicNinjaChica (the points you made in your review were simply excellent), iloveeliandclare, and MaddieLovesEclare. It truly means the world to me that you share your thoughts with me. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real-world references I happen to make.**

**Clare's POV**

_Dear Clare, _

_ So, I'm going to keep this letter pretty short. My reasons for doing so are two-fold; one, I am pretty sure you won't ever read this – I'm leaving it with my parents just in case…but I know it's a long shot, and two, because we both know I tend to make things too wordy anyway. Funny thing, two years later, and I still got a comment about being wordy on pretty much every essay I wrote last year._

_ Anyway, let's assume you do come look for me and that you are reading this. So I left. I didn't want to be adrift in Toronto for the summer, and I figure Ottawa is just a good of a place to be adrift as any, no? At least there I'll be adrift and bilingual. Or so I'm told, apparently it's much more bilingual than Toronto. It's a funny thing; my boss Barbara called me the very next afternoon after the day I saw you, offering me this position and honestly, I didn't have to think twice before accepting. My parents could use a break from my intensity; they didn't do anything to deserve such a messed up kid. They raised a weird kid that's for sure, but they didn't do anything to mess me up. Adam and Lana need some time together where they don't have to put their relationship on hold so they can deal with me. Scotty and Dylan are spending their entire summer in Portland at their grandparents' house; they left before your graduation, so…there's nothing holding me back to Toronto. So I run away from my problems. I think we both know that on the wide spectrum of things that are wrong with me, that's not such a big one if you think in perspective. _

_ You're a smart girl, Clare. That's why deep down inside you know. You know you don't really want to be with me; you know better than that. I guess it's just like you said – we're not meant to be together, right? So when a good-bye kiss feels the way it did, I hope you don't hate me for saying that I just can't do it; I can't stay here. It means too much to me to hold you and kiss you one day and forget about it the next. Kissing you and then letting you go because I'm too much of a mess…that can't be the pattern of my life, or yours for that matter. So I choose to make things easier for you by removing myself from the equation. I choose Ottawa. _

_Now, I'm not dumb, I know we'll run into each other next year at school, and I can't just unaccept my chapter co-ordinator position because I made a commitment and that wouldn't be fair to my boss or to the other chapter co-ordinator whom I have yet to meet even. But U of T is a big school and we'll both have very busy schedules. Please feel free to come over to me and Adam's dorm at any time to hang out with him – I really don't want to ruin you guys' friendship - but just know that I won't be there. I can't be. Wow, to tell you the truth I kind of hope you don't ever read this – if I was a little more certain that you would, I'm not sure I'd be writing this openly._

_ Anyway, so much for not being wordy, I guess, but there are just a few more things that I need to tell you. I won't be able to be by your side helping you with these things, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't know it anyway:_

_When you register for courses in the middle of July, you know you have the option of skipping first-year English and going right into second year. Do it; first-year English is full of engineering and science kids who are learning how to write reports and essays for the first time; you'll die a slow and painful death in there. _

_Take English 200 with Dr. Gifford. The fact that he'll know you will make it easier for you to get into the English Lit major (which I assume you're still planning on applying to). _

_If you take first year history, don't forget to register for a seminar - every lecture comes with a seminar and in my first year, no one understood this and there was a big mix-up that caused some people to have to drop out of the course. The seminar will be listed right under the course code for the larger lecture section. _

_You'll like Bulldog Coffee's cinnamon buns, and they're always fresh at around nine o'clock. They are worth the walk from rez. _

_Don't walk by the swimming pool on your first day on campus. Apparently first-years are free game to be thrown into the pool by upper class men, and they'll be able to pick you out because your campus tour will take you right past it._

_Well, that's it for me. I still need to go figure out how to get from the airport in Ottawa to the place that I'll be living for the summer. I hope you have a fun, carefree summer before you start college. And Clare…I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. _

_Sincerely, _

_Eli. _

_ What I'm looking for is you, Eli_, I thought bitterly. _But no - you had to book it to Ottawa for the summer, and leave me here with my doubts and guilt. _

I got up from the ground and wiped my tears away and headed for the house that I have spent so much time in since I met its most energetic occupant. I knocked on the door and Sav was the one to answer, telling me with a smile that Alli was in her room. I made my way there, and she looked excited to see me. I didn't want to get angry and yell at her, but I had something to say and I'll be damned if she won't listen.

"I need to tell you something," I said entering her room in a blitz, and she gave me a puzzled look in return as I took a seat next to her on her bed. She noticed the letter in my hand and I saw a frown cross her face as she saw his signature.

_No. She doesn't get to do that._

"So now he's writing you letters?" she immediately started, taking the letter from my hand.

"A good-bye letter. He went to Ottawa for the summer after the little display we gave him at graduation," I informed her and she crossed her arms in response as she said, "Well, that's good. Hopefully he stays there forever, maybe transfers to U of Ottawa," she said, and I felt anger coursing through my veins by this point.

"What does that letter say? Let me guess - that it's all about you…how can you even read his creepy stuff, Clare, it's beyond weird," she said.

I grabbed the letter out of her hand as I calmly said, "This…is _my_ letter. Eli wrote this for _me_. So I'm going to keep it, and read it as _I_ please. This is _my _letter just as much as this is _my _relationship with Eli. So the people that get a say in what happens with us, not that that concept even exists anymore, or with if we are or aren't meant to be together are _me_ and _him_. No one else. I already hurt him enough, I don't need other people doing that as well," I told her.

"Clare, I was just trying to –" she started, but I cut her off.

"I know you were only trying to be a good friend, and I appreciate that, but I'd like it if you listened to me now. You don't even know about how much Eli has changed because you never listened when I tried to tell you. It's not like I don't want your advice; you're my best friend, of course I do; but I want you to listen to what I tell you in return as well. And I know, Alli, I know I was really judgemental when everything happened with Johnny, but I want to be a good friend to you now…I want us both to be good to each other," I pleaded, and Alli's face immediately softened as she wrapped me up in a hug.

"I'm really sorry, Clare. I should have listened to you," she said, and I truly believed she was regretful. I just wish things could have gone differently – now I don't know if Eli will ever speak to me again; the fact that he went to Ottawa certainly isn't a good sign. I know it might be presumptuous of me to assume he left because he was so hurt, but it doesn't make any sense; he already had a solid summer plan in Toronto. Why would he ditch it at the last minute like that?

Alli pulled away and I noticed she was tearing up a bit as she asked, "Do you want to go get some ice cream, and then maybe you can tell me…everything about Eli? And then we can figure out what to do when we're all at school…because we'll be there soon, Clare…all of us," she meaningfully said, and I wondered just how many days were exactly left until courses at U of T began.

**Eli's POV**

"Well, man, it's been really awesome having you in town," Daniel said as he gave me a small fist bump before I had to head to security. "Helped me keep my mind off of she-who-shall-not-be-named," he said with a chuckle, and I was glad to see him be able to laugh about his Naomi crisis.

I could tell that at the start of the summer, when he was so surprised to see me in Ottawa but totally ecstatic that I'd be in town for four months, he was really eager to see her again. However, he soon found out that she was really dating the guy he had suspected her of hooking up with, and the plans of a reunion were over before they really began. But I was never a fan of the two of them ever reuniting, because it was pretty clear he liked her a lot more than she liked him. A formula that was all too familiar for me.

"Dude, this summer would have sucked without you," I honestly told him.

It was true that my job at Big Brothers was great and everything; I secured some larger grants than last summer, but…I was lonely so much in Ottawa. It was a great city that had a lot of things going on, and my French did improve just as Barb told me it would, but there were just so many hours in the evenings and weekends where I wouldn't be at work that I didn't know to fill. Daniel had been awesome and shown me all around town, and I felt pretty confident in doing some significant exploring on my own, but after four months, I was really aching to get back to Toronto.

I wanted to see my mom and dad and Adam and Lana, and I wanted to sleep in my own bed for the last two nights I had before I'd have to move back to rez. Scotty and Dylan weren't returning to Toronto until next week, and I was desperately counting down to that date as well. Last summer we hung out so much, and I missed that this summer. They were staying at their mom's parents' ranch in Portland, as their grandmother and grandfather hadn't seen them since their mother's funeral, and they didn't want to lose touch with their grandchildren. I hoped that proximity to their mom's parents had brought them some comfort, but I was also worried about how they handled being back on the ranch without their mom there, especially Scotty. My heart broke whenever I thought of how much they both missed their mom.

Daniel's voice interrupted my thoughts, though, as he said, "I'll call you when I get to campus on Monday, all right?" He was catching a plane to Toronto in two days' time; apparently he didn't want to be back at school until the minute he absolutely had to be there for class.

"Sure thing, you can come over and see me and Adam's new dorm," I reminded him.

"Of course! It's rad we're both in Innis again, our suites are definitely the best. Hanging out with Adam will be great too," he said with a smile. Daniel and Adam got along really well, much to my delight.

Daniel said his final good bye and wished me a safe flight as I advised him to enjoy his last few days of freedom. After that, I had to go through one of my least favorite processes in the world, security. Obviously, I set off the metal detector, and the security guard checked everything over in extreme detail, down to my belt buckle, making me lift up my shirt and take my belt off, and as if that wasn't enough of a show for everyone around me, he also made me open my carry-on bag as he looked through it. _Awesome_, I thought as I stood there as he was pulling everything out, later leaving it for me to pack all over again.

My return trip to Toronto was already going _oh so well_.

Three hours later, I was completely exhausted for some reason as I waited at Pearson International Airport for that damn black bag to appear on the baggage claim. Keeping with the theme of my journey so far, it was one of the last bags to surface and after I pulled it off the conveyor belt and dragged it through the arrivals area and past the gates separating passengers from family and friends, I headed right for my mom's open arms. I felt my dad place his hand on my shoulder and I just so relieved to finally be back home.

"Oh, baby boy, I missed you so much!" my mom said, and I could tell she was crying. "And to think I only get you for two days before you have to leave again," she added.

I cast her a smirk and said, "Trust me, by the end of the next two days, you'll be itching for me to get out of the house," but she only chastised me playfully in response.

I was really glad that neither my mom or my dad were peppering me with detailed questions about how things had gone in Ottawa, or how I felt to be back home; I called them every Sunday and we texted and emailed a lot, but I was just so tired, and my feelings of exhaustion only got worse on the forty minute drive from the airport to my house. I must have fallen asleep within the first few minutes, as I soon I felt my dad waking me up and just seeing our house again felt so comforting.

My dad even brought in my bag for me, as I headed up the stairs, quickly changed into an old pair of shorts and a T-shirt and let comfort overcome me as I was overwhelmed by the warmth of my own bed. Lying there, I realized that…unlike last year, I really wasn't looking forward to going back to U of T. I didn't want to leave home. Heck, I didn't even want to leave my room.

Now more than ever, I needed a place of my own where I could be happy and where I wouldn't have to live in fear of seeing her…and hurting her. As I felt sleep overtake me, I really wished I could just freeze this moment in time. I had no idea what I would do next, I no longer had a plan or a promise to keep. Because she had hurt me badly this time and I didn't want to enter into any more promises with her. I didn't want to enter into anything with her.

This is why deep down inside, after Julia's death, I knew I'd be better off alone. It's easier to be alone…because what if you find love…and you like how that makes you feel? You start to lean on it? And then it all falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing something you care for so deeply could even be compared to death. The only difference is, death ends; this, what I feel right now…this could go on to consume me forever.

**Clare's POV**

"And this one, this was taken the morning of the day of my wedding," my grandma explained, as she stuck the delicate photo into the new album I had bought her. I only had one day left with her before I would have to return to Toronto…to the real world, and I was relieved that it looked like we would finish our major scrapbooking project in time.

My grandma had wanted to reorganize all of her photos and put them in chronological order for a long time now, and I thought the two weeks that I had with her would represent the perfect opportunity to finally bring this project to life, and I had turned out to be right.

In the end though, I really feel like this project benefited me more than her; as we went through each photo she explained to me who each person was, and basically told me their entire life story. I got to know my own extended family so well through my grandma's narratives. I heard about so many amazing accomplishments, so many heartbreaking disillusions, so many joyous moments of new life being introduced into the family…and I got to know a lot more about my own grandma's marriage. My grandfather had died when I was five, and I still remember the funeral and the sadness that had plagued me. I didn't get to see him much or know him very well; I'd only see him on holidays and he was quite old and sick by then, but it was still heartbreaking and I knew my grandma was really lonely after his death.

Their marriage was really the stuff of novels. She was a teacher and he was a military doctor, and they met when he was stationed close to the school she taught at. Both of their families were farming families from somewhat distant villages. While it was apparently expected for my grandpa to easily leave the village, and he had chosen to do so in order to enrol at the Canadian army's medical school, things had not been so easy for my grandma.

One of the most touching stories she shared with me during our two weeks together was how her mom really wanted her to get an education so she could do more than just marry into a farming family and spend the rest of her life in the small community. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget how she told me about how determined both of her parents were to send her to a boarding school in a nearby town and how much her mom especially was convinced that this was the right thing to do, despite the fact that it completely broke her heart.

My grandma was only eight when she went off to a boarding school in Montreal, and she told me that on the day she was meant to leave, after her mom, my great-grandma, had neatly packed her bags and sewn her initials into all her clothing and made sure to buy her everything she needed with the little money she had, my grandma was just hanging around the farmhouse kitchen with her mom as they always did. I will never forget how my grandma told me that her mom was always working around the home and even on that last morning, as she was dusting the blinds, my grandma could see her silently crying in front of the windows, something that according to my grandma was a very rare occurrence for such a strong woman. Apparently, her husband had later come in and quietly told her to stop, so as to not upset their daughter.

That story really made me appreciate the opportunities I had; here I was, going off to U of T in a few days, and as nervous as I was, I knew that change wasn't really something I couldn't handle. All my life, I'd been given all the tools needed to be successful, and I wanted to make my grandma proud – she was really excited that I was going to university, and she even insisted on taking me shopping yesterday, and she bought me so many pretty, unique dresses and shirts that only she knows where to find.

Right now we were just sitting in her kitchen, filling in the last little bits of the section of the master album that contained her wedding photographs. It broke my heart to see just how much my grandma missed my grandpa, and even if she kept saying she'll see him someday again, I couldn't help but tear up. Even in their photos, they looked so…in tune with each other.

My grandma had looked through my own graduation photos on my first day here, and she admired them and listened as I told her about all my friends, but the one photo she specifically asked me about was the one photo I wanted to avoid. I didn't know what to tell her about 'that young man' as she had referred to him. And I loved that photo; Eli and I were leaning into each other ever so slightly as his hand was resting on my lower back, and he wasn't actually looking at the camera, but at me. My grandma wouldn't drop it though, even as I flipped through other photos that contained me and only one guy; I had photos with Wesley, Adam, Connor, Dave, even one with Sav, but no – my grandma only wanted to know who Eli was. I kept things brief and told her he was a friend who had actually graduated the year before me, but I could tell she wasn't convinced, or pleased with my answer.

She just said Eli was very good-looking and she asked me if he was also smart. I told her that he was very intelligent indeed, that we had English class together and that he was a really talented writer. She asked me where he was now and I explained to her that he was working for Big Brothers in Ottawa for the summer but that he went to U of T and all she said was, "Well, that's good".

However, it was the way in which she said it that made it more than a casual remark – she had that same tone that my mom had been adopting lately in reference to Eli and she gave me a look that was had too much meaning for me to process right now. Eli had changed his phone number to an Ottawa for the summer, and I didn't know it and I didn't want to ask Adam or Lana for it. When I tried to call him at his old Toronto number all I got was a message that the number had been disconnected. And I definitely didn't want to talk to him through e-mail, or worse, twitter or FaceRange. He hardly used twitter anymore and his FaceRange page had a status that said he'd be offline for the summer. But I knew I needed to hear the tone in his voice if I was going to try to repair things. I at least owed him that.

My grandma finished putting in the last wedding photo in the album and sighed peacefully as her fingers crossed over the glossy pages, her eyes filled with love and reminiscence. I loved quiet evenings at her house and tonight, it seemed like time was standing still just for the two of us. The sunlight was streaming through into the kitchen as a couple of leaves were already falling from the apple trees outside, the proof that I couldn't deny that fall and all of its accompanying realities awaited me just around the corner.

"Nana," I addressed her softly, laying my head on her shoulder because I didn't want to meet her gaze as I asked her this, "How…how did you know?" I was absent mindedly adjusting the sides of the main wedding photo as I awaited her response.

"Know what, sweetheart?" she gently asked as she patted my curls down the way she always used to do when I was little and upset.

"That grandpa loved you. That you loved him. That you could…trust and count on what you had," I responded in a whisper.

"Oh, honey. I know the past two years haven't been easy for you. Love is a complicated thing. And sometimes, it's not enough to make everything work. Marriage is work; it's always growing and changing and evolving, and it requires the two people in it to constantly be prepared and willing to deal with those changes as well. What my daughter and your dad had, Clare – it was a good, strong, thing, sweetheart," she continued, as I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

She gently added, "It was a good marriage that lasted a long time, and that produced two amazing girls. And there's no shame in it coming to an end – there's sadness of course, but no shame, sweetheart, because it brought so much good into the world. And you know…God knows that. All those people that say that divorce is an abomination in the eyes of God…they just haven't caught up with God yet, sweetie. But they will, one day," she sighed.

"But to answer your question…it's easy, sweetheart. It was two things about your grandpa, really. I knew…that your grandfather would never hurt me by betraying me in any way, and also because he always supported and always helped me in every single way. He was my best friend. You see, I grew up in a different time, sweetie – a time in which women were supposed to do certain things and keep quiet about others, and a lot of my friends' husbands just expected them to be quiet and obedient. But your granddad…" she said, with a wistful look on her face, '…he always found ways of supporting and encouraging me – even pushing me when he could tell that I needed it. He made me the best I could be. That's the measure of a man, you know – he didn't stand in front of or behind me – he stood right beside me. Oh, we had our share of problems, of course, but through it all, I knew one thing, because he told me in the early days of our courtship: he'd never leave me alone. And he didn't. He fought until the very end," she said, her own voice breaking now, as a sob escaped me.

"No, don't cry, sweetheart. I had forty-three years of more love than some people know in a lifetime. All because of your granddad and the fact that I knew that no matter what would come, he wasn't going anywhere; we were a team. Marriage – and every relationship," she said with a pause, "is hard. And it needs its trials, you see – you need to know you can overcome obstacles together, because, like it or not, those are always coming. I loved your granddad even when his stubbornness drove me crazy and he loved me no matter what I said when I got mad…I always felt safe, and complete with him…because leaving wasn't an option after we both realized the true extent of our feelings for each other. Leaving wasn't an option when we both loved and supported each other so," she continued, and tears were rapidly streaming down my face at this point.

"I wanted to be with him every minute of every day; he was the first person I wanted to talk to whenever I received good or bad news," she said, and I froze for a second. "I spent the majority of my lifetime loving him…and that was the pleasure of my life, and standing by my side was the pleasure of his life…as he told me on one of his last days," she sighed.

Then she added, "Sweetheart, it's not as easy as movies make it look. You don't know right away. It'll take time, and suffering at times. You'll make mistakes, and so will he. Maybe he already has. Maybe _you _already have," she said, the sudden change of pronouns making me wonder if my grandma had figured out who this was really about.

She continued, "But if there's a strong friendship there, serving as a good base for everything, it'll work. There are some things that should not be forgiven, like constant infidelity and other types of betrayal, but you're smart; you know what can be forgiven and what can't. You'll make it work if you talk it over and if you both decide to give it trust and time. And…I hope I will still be around to see your wedding day. But that better not be for a long time now," she said, playfully mocking a serious tone. She dried her eyes and embraced me in a hug. Tears kept running my face as I realized what I had to do.

Eli had done nothing but support me all along and I knew he'd never hurt or betray me. So leaving wasn't an option I wanted anymore. If there's any way for some love to make its way back into his heart, I would do my best to find it and take proper care of it this time around.

"Thank you, Nana," I whispered as she squeezed me tighter in response.

**Eli's POV**

"So, just to be clear here, is there _anything_ that you do _not _plan on bringing with you?" I asked Adam as my eyes took in all of the boxes in his room.

"Ha-ha, very funny coming from the dude who used to be a hoarder," Adam good-humouredly shot back and I rolled my eyes at him in response. We both grabbed as much as we could carry and after a couple of trips back and forth from the Jeep, the car was packed to the max with both my stuff and Adam's.

I had said goodbye to my parents earlier today, grateful that because it was Labour Day my dad was also there in the morning. My mom had been a lot calmer this year in comparison to last September, and I attributed this to the fact that this year she knew what to expect. She knew I'd still come home lots, that we'd be continuing Friday night dinners on campus, that she could drive up to campus whenever she wanted…so she felt a bit better.

My dad was the one who chose to act a little curiously, though. The night before I left, we went to an AC/DC concert, which was absolutely epic, because I had my doubts about whether or not they'd do another tour in my lifetime, so I was glad I had gotten to see them in person. While my mom went home after the show, my dad insisted on taking me out and buying me a beer. He told me Clare had come by, and I was shocked to hear that, and I regretted speaking quite so openly in that letter. He then proceeded to tell me that I need to stay away from her when she comes to U of T. I guess my dad had caught on to more than I gave him credit for, but he also didn't know the whole story about what had happened at her graduation. So I told him everything, and he laid off of me a bit. Clare wasn't evil or mean, and I didn't want my dad to think of her in that way. But I assured him I didn't want much to do with her anymore. She didn't love me and you can't make someone love you. I had realized this earlier, but I let my feelings for her cloud my better judgement…yet again.

Adam and I spent the rest of Labour Day organizing our place. We each had our own room and bathroom, which was good because I didn't want there to be any awkward moments. I didn't want Adam to feel uncomfortable and my nightmares had only been getting worse over the summer, and I didn't want him to find out about them. He hadn't asked me about that particular problem in a long time, probably assuming it was long solved. We also had a small common room with two small but comfortable couches and we had also split the cost of a TV because we both agreed that we'd feel totally disconnected from the world without it. Sometimes the campus bubble got to be too much, I told him, and TV kind of clued you in to what the rest of the world was doing as well. Adam assured me there was no way he was planning on going an entire year without having a TV nearby, so it was an easy decision for us. The coffee table was already filled with random books, magazines, and comic books, and it was likely to stay that way all year.

Daniel lived on the same floor as us this year, and he'd already been over once, stopping by right as he got here and before he headed off to organize his own room. He was stoked to see that Adam and I had a pretty sweet plasma screen, making him declare that now he'd _definitely _be coming over lots, which was totally cool with me. Daniel and I also compared schedules and figured out that we were in American Lit together, which was great news. I was so excited about that class – I chose the section that had works by Edgar Allan Poe on the reading list. I'd finally get to see study those texts with a professor who would give interesting lectures and who had written critical articles and books on Poe, and I'd finally get a class of only reading material that I loved. Second-year English was very interesting as well, but there were still some things in the curriculum that I had found kind of boring. This would be a good semester, even if I had to take 6 courses, one more than the standard, which would probably cause me to be buried in books for the rest of the semester. I needed to get good grades so I could renew my scholarship next semester.

And that thought reminded me I needed to get in touch with the girl who was the other chapter co-ordinator; she should be on campus by now. And we really needed to touch base in this first week because we were expected to host our first chapter meeting next week. I'd already booked a room in the Student Union Building for it, but we needed to figure out exactly what we wanted to say. We didn't have much information to share yet, it was the very first meeting so it was meant to be more of a chance for everyone in the chapter to get to know each other.

We also needed to announce that the U of T chapter was hosting the regional meeting this year which meant other students from other universities from all over Ontario would be coming to Toronto for three days. We'd all be staying in this fancy hotel downtown, just like I had last year at the meeting in Montreal – as I had rapidly come to learn, money really wasn't an object for the Foundation. They had been established and given a grant from the Canadian government to run this program, and I knew what kinds of grants those were…huge ones. The three-day conference would consist of us students running our own workshops and a few workshops from some of the Foundation staff themselves, and we'd also get a decent amount of time off in the evenings. Obviously, the people coming from out of town would be much more stoked about that part than us Torontonians, but I was pretty sure that as one of the two chapter co-ordinators of U of T, I'd be expected to show them around. I'd also be giving a workshop on finding funding and grant writing in general because I knew a lot of other students also worked with charities, and I figured I was also expected to run a workshop. I wondered what the other chapter co-ordinator would be doing; I should ask her that too when we finally sit down and meet.

My thoughts were interrupted as I heard a knock on our door and I laughed out loud as Adam jumped about a mile and booked it to the door. As I slowly followed him, I could see a mass of blonde hair being spun around by an incredibly excited Adam. I let their little reunion show go on for a few minutes before I threw a pillow their way and said, "Ugh, that's disgusting. Makes me think twice about my decision of moving in with this one," I said, frowning at Lana while pointing at Adam.

I continued, "Lana, I hope you remember you're the one _without_ a roommate this year," I cheekily added. But seriously, I hoped these two would remember that if they decided to take things further than kissing.

Lana just rolled her eyes at me and said, "Wow, I've missed you too, Eli," as she elbowed my arm.

"Sorry," I immediately said, "It's good to finally see you again".

"No kidding, it's good to see me! I'm still mad at you for ditching Toronto for Ottawa this summer, you know," she said, but I knew she was playing around. She had been there on that fateful graduation day as well, but she was doing her own thing with Adam and even if I told him everything that happened, I told him Lana didn't need to know. She had a heart of gold and I didn't want to bring her down. I'd be fine…eventually…I guess.

Lana hung out for a while with Adam in his room and then we all left our room so we could go have dinner together. Lana opted to stay at our dining hall as opposed to going back to the Annesley dining hall. When we all sat down with our food, she began telling us about her move-in process…Lana wasn't very patient when it came to slow-going things like moving in, and her frustration as she was telling us about her troubles was pretty obvious, and also kind of amusing.

"Ugh, but that RA is _not_ going to get the best of me, I promise you that," she stubbornly said after telling us about a confrontation she had had with her new RA as Adam and I exchanged entertained looks.

Then her expression changed from one of anger to one of excitement as she said, "Oh! I can't believe I forgot to tell you guys! You'll never guess who lives just on the floor above me!"

"Taylor Swift?" Adam retorted, knowing Lana's fascination with the country singer.

"Ha! I wish! Taylor is too busy touring the world and generally being an awesome superstar to go to college," she said with a frown. "But no, it's Clare and Alli!" she said excitedly, and I felt all the color drain from my face. I knew they'd be living in Annesley, but really? Right above Lana? Ugh. Lana will always have to come over to our place then. I'm not going over there.

"Eli! Eli!" I heard her say, and I snapped back to reality. She was asking me things about my classes now, and I despised how nervous I still was and how I was jumbling up all of my words. I hated the power that Clare still had over me. _Damn it. _

**Clare's POV**

"I love college," Alli sighed across the table from me as she glanced at the team of football players that were all eating together in their uniform track jackets.

I rolled my eyes at her and said, "Well, I'd say we did pretty well for only being here one day. Our room is all organized, and I love it," I told her with a smile.

I was really excited to be living with Alli, but also grateful that we each had our own room in our suite, and that we could have our friends over in the small living room as well. Alli had already invited Jenna over, but I only spent a little time with the two of them before I retreated back to my own room.

"Yeah, we did so well because _you_ knew where everything was and what we needed to do exactly. I read that welcome pack too, though, but half the things you knew weren't in there," she said, as a puzzled look crossed her face. "How'd you know all that stuff?" she asked me blatantly.

I decided to tell her the plain and honest truth. "Eli told me about it when he showed me around," and Alli gave me an embarrassed smile in return.

"Have you…um, talked to him yet? He should probably be back on campus by now," she softly said.

"Yeah, well classes start the day after tomorrow for him; first years are the only ones who have the day off tomorrow because we have to do Orientation," I reminded her, "so I'm sure he's here," I said, as I looked around sadly. I knew he wouldn't be in this dining hall, but it was still a little comforting to know that Eli wasn't 250 miles away anymore, but rather somewhere on this campus.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Look around, Clare, there's cute girls everywhere on this campus. Eli could run into one of them on his way to pay for parking, and she'll ask him to a poetry reading and ask if he's taken, and he'll say no, and then she'll –"but I cut her off. I was kind of sick of her advice when it came to the topic of Eli.

"Just stop, Alli," I sighed, looking down at my food.

But stopping never seemed to be her thing. "Well, I guess he's technically had over two years to meet a cute girl and he hasn't yet, so, that's a good sign," she continued, and I knew she was only trying to make me feel better, but it wasn't helping much.

"Leave Eli alone," I blurted out, and she finally seemed to get it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I had decided to just focus on getting adjusted to college life during my first week here and I also wanted to give Eli some space. I thought about writing him a letter in response to the one he had written me, but the more I considered it, I decided against doing so. I wanted to talk to him in person, hear the tone in his voice, see the flashes of emotion in his green eyes, and…if things went the way I hoped they would…I really wanted to be able to kiss him.

I hadn't run into him anywhere on campus, and my rationality seemed to be drifting off bit by bit, day after day, as I began doubting that he was even here.

However, I found my transition to my new routine quite easy when it came to courses; and I was pleasantly surprised when Dr. Gifford remembered me. Not so much when he asked me with a smile how Eli was doing - the very first class. I just smiled awkwardly and ambiguously said he was fine. And I really hoped he was, and I had a bit of a plan to find out if he was…one which I was going to put in motion tonight with Adam's help.

I had met up with Adam for coffee on our second day on campus and asked him how Eli was and he had told me that Eli's fine and acting like he always had. I could tell Adam was really excited to be living with Eli and over the moon that he was no longer separated from Lana. The two had been committed and determined to make things work last year, knowing that it was just a matter of time before they could be together, and now they had the right to enjoy the beautiful relationship they had fought for. My grandma would approve, I thought with a sigh.

I had also asked Adam if he thought it would be all right if the two of us watched a movie this Friday night and he had told me that him and Eli have the 'sweetest TV ever' and that I would have to come over. I shyly asked if Adam thought that would be okay, and he looked at me meaningfully and said that he was sure it was. Then Adam told me he would get Eli to come, and I felt so grateful that tears flooded my eyes. I genuinely wanted to spend time with Adam too, I wasn't just using him to get to Eli. But I hoped that after our movie date, I could take Eli to get some coffee from his favorite shop and I could tell him all the things that I finally realized after what my grandma had told me.

So as I took in the blue dress that she had bought me on the second to last day of my visit and threw a beige cardigan on top and put on a little bit of mascara and lip-gloss, I said a silent prayer. _Please, just let him listen to me. _

**Eli's POV**

"So, what are we watching?" I said, plopping down on one of the couches as I waited for Adam to answer my question. He was super keen on having a movie night tonight, reminding me about it all week long.

"We…are having a Harry Potter marathon," he said, and I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Excuse me?" I retorted.

"Dude, I need you to listen to me without walking away, got it? There's something I need to say," he told me and I just nodded in response. What was this all about?

"Clare's coming over," he said, and my eyes widened at that little piece of information, and I could feel the nervousness creep into my voice. I could tell Adam was surprised to see me calmly answer, "Oh, all right. She loves Harry Potter, I get it."

"Eli, this is the perfect opportunity for you guys to…talk things through," he pushed.

"Not happening," I just stubbornly replied. "This is our place, not just mine obviously, and Clare's your friend. Have a fun movie night," I said as I grabbed my backpack and headed for the door.

However, Adam quickly moved right in front of it and said, "Don't, Eli. I can tell she really wants to talk to you," he said.

"Adam," I sighed, "I can't…listen to Clare telling me about how much I scare her. Not anymore. I just can't deal with it, all right? I need to move past this," I explained to him, and I could tell that he was aware that my voice was breaking as he stopped pushing and just put his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, man. I should've told you earlier," he said with a warm smile.

"Don't worry about it. I'll be in the library, just text me once she heads back to Annesley," I asked him and he assured me he would.

After about an hour of some productive library time, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and I really hoped that Adam wasn't taking up his argument again. However, I saw that the other chapter co-ordinator was finally answering my text.

Her message read,

_What are the chances you're free now and you'd like to grab a cup of coffee and figure out the details of our first chapter meeting?_

I was glad to see she had some spare time now, because we really needed to get this done, so I replied:

_That would be great. Bulldog Coffee in fifteen? _

She sent me another text to confirm as I packed up my things and started walking towards the coffee shop.

**Alli's POV**

I headed to bed relatively early as my physics problem set had taken a bit of a toll on my brain, but as I was a pretty light sleeper I got out of bed a few hours later, once I heard our apartment door close. This could only mean Clare was back…but I wasn't really nervous about what had happened, more just a bit curious. I was convinced Eli still loved her, and I didn't see many possible obstacles to them getting back together – she could just run back into Eli's arms and that would make today the happiest day of his life, right?

That's what I was thinking as I headed into her room and was thinking about what celebratory snack she would like best, but I was shocked to see her back turned toward me as she was snuggled under her blanket. She had already changed into her pyjamas and her clothes were lazily thrown around her room, something that was an apocalyptic event in Clare's universe. I could see her shoulders were shaking and sure enough, a few seconds later, I heard her crying.

"What did he do?" I asked her in an alarmed tone.

"Just leave," she pleaded.

"Clare, just tell me, please," I said.

"He wasn't there! Are you happy now? Adam had told him that I was coming over and he left! Because he doesn't want to see me after what I did to him! His leather jacket was lying on one of the chairs in their living room, and books that I knew were his were on the coffee table, but he. wasn't. there. He's finally had enough. It's too late," she tearfully said, her back still turned towards me.

_Oh no_. I never anticipated _this_.

"Oh, Clare, I'm so sorry," I empathetically said.

"It's not your fault," she responded. _Um, I'm not so sure about that one. _

I pleaded with her, "You don't know that this is the end, though. It doesn't have to be. Maybe Eli just had something to do tonight," I said, realizing that was a pretty lame excuse. Eli would do pretty much anything if he really wanted to see Clare. I was shocked he didn't want to see her.

"Just, please…leave. I need some space," she shakily whispered, and I decided to respect her wish.

My heart was breaking for her, but I just didn't know how I could help her.

**Clare's POV**

_Dear Laureates, _

_We believe that by now you have read the e-mail sent out from the Centennial Foundation explaining what a chapter is and letting you know your chapter co-ordinators should be contacting you soon with specific information regarding our first meeting._

_And here we are! Our meeting will take place next Thursday at 8:00pm in room 207 of the Student Union Building. You don't need to bring anything other than your enthusiastic selves, and dinner will be provided. Our first meeting is just an opportunity for all of us to get to know each other and to welcome the new first year students to our group. _

_However, we would like to ask that you ensure that you have registered for the regional meeting before you come to the chapter meeting. We know that since the regional meeting happens to be in Toronto this year, you might not consider registration a priority but the Foundation insists that you do so, as we will all be staying at the Ramada downtown regardless of the fact that we will be so close to our own campus. We will have some night activities planned and the overall atmosphere will be better if we are all in the same space for the entirety of the regional meeting._

_Thank you for your time and we look forward to meeting you at our very first chapter meeting of the semester! _

_Sincerely, _

_ Eli Goldsworthy and Imogen Moreno_

_ U of T Chapter Co-ordinators _

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review! **


	20. I Won't Let Go

**Hi lovely readers! I hope you are happy to see a double update! This chapter is one of my favourites of the entire story. **

**Thank you so much to all my wonderful reviewers meandthatperson, Cool Person, ilovetaylorswift13, my official rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel, CheapNovelty, xStayWithMe, ToDecember, EpicNinjaChica, iloveeliandclare, and MaddieLovesEclare. It truly means the world to me that you share your thoughts with me. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real-world references I happen to make.**

**Clare's POV**

Right. I read the e-mail just one more time before I knew it would be time for me to leave if I was going to be there on time. I took one final glance in the mirror because I wanted to look nice when I'd see him. I had chosen to wear black skinny jeans and a pale blue dress shirt with tiny navy and white flowers printed all over it, a shirt my grandma had bought for me when she took me shopping during my visit. I also grabbed my green pashmina and put it on because regardless of the fact that it was still a rather summery day in Toronto, it was around 8pm after all, and it was getting a bit chilly outside, and it would only be colder when the meeting would end and I'd have to walk back to rez.

I tried to calm my nerves on the walk to the SUB, but I really had no success; if anything, I only got more nervous. I'd finally be seeing him, after a summer of him being gone, and two weeks of scanning the crowds in every possible context for him.

My knees were shaking as I headed up the stairs and entered room 207. The room was actually a smaller lecture hall, and there were already about forty people chatting excitedly to each other. I saw Wesley right away and he headed over to me quickly. It was obvious he was a bit nervous and that he was happy to see a familiar face; crowds have never really been his thing.

We sat together near the middle of the lecture hall, and I felt a little bad because I thought Wesley definitely realized I wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying; I was trying to scan the group for Eli. He was the co-ordinator, he had to be here! Him and that Imogen girl were the ones who had called the meeting!

Something Wesley said caused me to turn my full attention towards him, though.

"…and isn't it great how Eli is one of the co-ordinators? Degrassi has done well in terms of representation to this thing," he excitedly said. "I guess he's not here yet, though…I thought for sure he'd come with you," Wesley awkwardly added.

"Why would you think that?" I innocently asked.

"Because he's your boyfriend, you brought him to graduation," Wesley responded, as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet.

"He's not my boyfriend, Wesley," I finally told him, focusing my gaze on my blue U of T clipboard.

"Oh. I'm sorry, Clare, I just didn't know," he immediately responded, and he was obviously a little uncomfortable.

I could tell he was desperately searching for a new subject as I awkwardly took off my scarf.

The best Wesley that seemed to be able to come up with though was, "Well, that's a pretty necklace". What was it with Wesley and picking on pieces of jewellery that I didn't want pointed out, I wondered.

"It's an angel, right?" he pursued, and I just silently nodded.

_Where_ was Eli? This was ridiculous. Then I noticed that the two chairs at the front of the lecture hall, in front of the desk reserved for the professor, had clearly been previously occupied; there were two clipboards in front of them and I saw that on one of them…a simple black leather jacket that had been wrapped around my own shoulders a few comforting times was resting. So he had just stepped out to get something.

Just as I realized that, I saw the side door of the lecture hall open and Eli entered, clad in black jeans and a grey band T-shirt. His hair was a bit shorter than I was used to seeing it, but he looked extremely handsome, and he had that air of confidence about him that I loved so much. There was definitely no horrible tension in his body anymore as he purposefully walked to the centre of the room and sat down on the chair that I had correctly assumed was his.

But…he wasn't alone; he was with…a girl. She had walked in with him and hadn't taken her eyes off of him for a minute. She was…a very pretty girl. She had gorgeous long brown hair and as she giggled in response to something he must have said, her green eyes seemed to just light up. They were both carrying some type of forms that had been photocopied on pink paper, and as soon as Eli put his pile down, he looked up to the group occupying the room. His eyes met mine and I had expected him to shoot me a cold stare, but he just flashed me a small smirk and I instantly relaxed. Did this mean he wasn't totally upset with me?

Then I saw the girl he was with reach over and touch his arm softly and I looked away immediately. She had beautiful French manicured nails, I noticed. Why was she doing that…why was she touching him like that, looking at him like that, giggling madly at everything he was saying, flashing him a perfect smile? Was she his…no, she couldn't be.

I tried to study his reactions to her touch, because she kept her arm on his as she pointed to the pink forms and asked him a question. I couldn't help but feel a small smile of satisfaction cross my lips when I saw him pull his hand away and move it to under the table. This girl wouldn't quit, though – now she reached up and pretended to brush something out of his hair. Oh, please. There was nothing there. He gave her a puzzled look and she just giggled. I thought we were here to have a meeting, I thought bitterly, as I glanced at the watch. There were still a few minutes left until eight o'clock, but I saw Eli and the girl stand up and the room quieted down.

She was the first to speak, saying "Hi everyone! Oh, this is so exciting – our first chapter meeting," she squealed, and I saw Eli shy away from her a little as her voice reached a level only dogs could hear.

She continued, "My name is Imogen, and this is Eli," she said, touching his arm again, "and we are you chapter co-ordinators". Oh, so that's who she was. "We'd like to invite you to head to the back of the room so you can grab some pizza and a drink. Feel free to mingle and get to know each other, and as soon as we're all done we'll get started with our meeting," she said, playfully moving her body weight from one leg to another as she was speaking.

She was obviously very comfortable with attention – her energy seemed to almost feed off of the response she was getting as people were turning their vision and hearing towards her. She was wearing a casual, but rather sexy tight black dress made of a sleek athletic material with a fashionably cut light brown leather jacket on top. She also had stunning brown heeled leather boots on, and as she was doing her little foot movement at the end of her introductory speech, she stepped sideways a little too much, causing her to lose her balance for a second before Eli rapidly reached an arm around her waist to steady her and prevent her from falling.

I could feel anger coursing through my veins despite my best attempts to not form such thoughts, but it was too much when she laid her hand on his chest in response and said, "Oops. Thanks Eli," and she flashed him an electric smile.

Oh please. She _so_ didn't need to lay that hand on his chest, and she definitely didn't need to run it all the way _down_ his chest, touching his belt with her perfect nails before finally removing it. What really made me angry though, was that despite how quickly he distanced himself from her after he helped her stabilize herself was that he _blushed._ The last time I had seen him blush was when I shared one of the most amazing kisses of my life with him on graduation day. It was clear that she was into him. Really into him. And…by the way she touched him, I just _knew_ she didn't have the same boundaries I did. And this girl was his _partner co-ordinator_. They'd be spending a lot of time alone planning meetings, events, and…multiple day trips. Did the co-ordinators share a hotel room at the regional meeting because they'd have to be up late working? These thoughts were driving me crazy as Wesley had to repeat his invitation to go grab some dinner a couple of times before he got a response out of me.

We got our dinner and I knew I was supposed to be socializing and meeting other people, but that was the last thing I felt like doing and no one could make me, I thought stubbornly. Wesley really was a sweetheart, though…I was even starting to think he had picked up on why I was acting the way I was. He didn't leave me sitting all by myself, he sat next to me and just ate quietly.

Eli and _her_ were eating together at the front desk, of course, and I noticed they also had matching coffee paper cups. So, they had gone for coffee before this meeting as well? _Great_. He was writing some things down on a piece of paper while she reached over to look at his watch. There's a huge clock on the wall over there, smartie.

Eli kept focusing on the paper but she kept asking him things, so he eventually put his pen down and just talked to her as they both ate. At one point she reached over and had a drink out of his coffee cup, and I could see the outline of her lips left on the lid of his cup in sparkly pink lip-gloss. What was going on here? She giggled and I could her tease him about the how the coffee was too bitter for her taste. Eli didn't like sugar in his coffee, what's so wrong about that? That's why you have your _own _drink, Imogen.

When everyone stopped eating, Eli and Imogen came to the front of the room again and explained some things about the regional meeting first, reminding us we should all be registered by this point and telling us that when we stayed at the hotel, we'd likely be paired with a student who was not from Toronto so we could show them around town.

_What about you guys, who will you be staying with?_ That was what I wanted to ask, but I controlled myself. Eli handed out the pink forms to everyone – they turned out to be emergency medical consent information, a formality for the regional trip. He gave me a small smile as he handed me mine, and I saw a flash of surprise cross his face as he noticed my necklace.

"Okay, thanks Eli," Imogen said. He had been the one to explain mostly everything about the regional, and he took a seat in the front row of the lecture hall, much to my approval. It was time for him to sit with everyone else, I thought.

"Great, so what Eli and I forgot to do – and you'll have to bear with us, we're both new co-ordinators this year – was to introduce ourselves!" she cheerily said.

"My name is Imogen, and I'm from right here, from our lovely and fun Toronto. I'm in my second year here, and I just declared Psychology as my major because I absolutely love it and think it's very interesting. I do work with Crisis Teenage Centres, because a lot of the youth who come into the centre are dealing with a variety of issues that I had to deal with in high school myself," she said, as she slowly rubbed one of her wrists.

_Whoa_. Really? Didn't see that one coming. It kind of makes sense that that was during high school though, because I couldn't see any scars on her wrists now. I thought those things don't heal for a while. Darcy's didn't. I saw Eli look at her at once when she shared that piece of information though, and he immediately inspected her wrists with his gaze himself, and I knew why. I knew Eli had feared Julia might do that because of the things her stepmom would say to her, reducing Julia's self-esteem bit by bit and making her feel worthless. He told me he had to remove all of his razors from his bathroom and shave in his dad's bathroom because he was too scared she might resort to that after she started this cryptic conversation with him that he tried to describe, but I never really quite understood.

Imogen had kept going on and on about herself, and when it seemed like she had finally wrapped up, she added in a rush, "Oh! And when I have some spare time, there's nothing that I think is more fun than going to a good rock concert!" _Really now_, I thought bitterly. Why I am not surprised? Maybe she can just read the name of the band on Eli's shirt and _what a coincidence_ – that's definitely the band that she thinks is best in the whole wide world!

Eli awkwardly detected that it was his turn and he turned around from his seat at the front of the room and flashed everyone a smirk. "Hey guys, I'm Eli. I'm from right here in Toronto too, and I sort of just fell into this position because I do some work with Big Brothers. I'm an English Lit major right now, and I hope to study Creative Writing as well. That's it," he said.

Imogen giggled and said, "You'll have to excuse Eli everyone, he's a bit shy. There's much more to him than this broody writer thing, though," she added, and I could see his face turn to a look of frustration. Just how long had this girl know him to have the audacity to say such a thing?

She kept going, "Eli's dad is Bullfrog, the best DJ on the best rock station in Toronto, and Eli has an excellent taste in music himself. What he does for Big Brothers is grant writing, which is so amazing. And his fictional writing has been published a few times, right, Eli?" she pushed.

"Just a few times," he modestly added.

"Where?" I heard a guy from the back ask.

"I had a short story published in a creative writing magazine in grade 12 and then the creative writing magazine on campus here has published some of my stuff as well, nothing major," he said, and then he immediately switched the conversation to thanking everyone for coming, and telling us the next time we'd all see each other would be at the regional meeting in November.

But as he was listing some final reminders, I couldn't take it anymore, so I just stuffed my clipboard in my bag and quickly walked out of the room, and I was happy that for once in my life I managed to control my tears and not let them appear until I was out of that room.

But I didn't make it very far; I was just past a few classrooms down the hallway when I leaned against the wall and hugged my bag to my chest as the sobs overcame me. I slid down to the floor and hid my face in my knees and thought that _this is what I deserve_. I deserve to have him treat me practically like a stranger. My sobs got more frequent and I was pressing my eyes so hard into my knees that little multi-colored spots started to appear in my vision. I made up my mind that I would stay here forever in that moment; I didn't have the strength to push this feeling away.

My brilliant plan was shortly interrupted though, as all of a sudden, I left a pair of strong arms pick me up, one of them locking behind my knees while the other wrapped around my back, keeping my balance as they lifted me off the ground and gently brought my head to a calm rest on a lean chest. I only cried harder and clutched his shirt tightly as the familiar scent enveloped me and I felt him place a small kiss in my curls. He started walking down the hallway towards a set of stairs as his strong grip held me securely.

"I'm just going to take you upstairs to the lounge area there, all those people are going to walk out of that room in about two minutes," he said in a low whisper.

I kept my eyes closed and I felt him sit down and gently place my legs along the length of a soft couch. He didn't say anything, only rocked me gently and slowly and he kept whispering, "It's all right," in my ear as I buried my head in his neck and tried to avoid the moment in which I would have to meet his gaze. But as my sobs became even more frequent, I finally opened my eyes and looked into a pair of extremely worried and tired green ones.

I moved off of his lap and stood up and said, "It wasn't grade 12! Why did you say it was grade 12? It was your grade eleven year and my grade ten year, and you know that! What you wrote in grade 12…that was your _second_ story to be published, Eli! Your first was 'Stalker/Angel'!" I yelled, and I saw him flinch when I mentioned that title. "It was the story _I _edited, the one _we _worked on _together!_ Did you forget all about that? Did you forget all about me? _Why_ did you just erase me from your life like that?" I said, but that was all I managed to get out before my tears got the best of me.

Eli looked shell shocked and he slowly said, "You…can't blame me for wanting to forget about that. That's when…when everything started to go downhill, Clare. Not talking about it is easier, because it only reminds me of how I lost…you," he said, a potent tone of resignation in his voice.

He was shaking his head as he continued, "I really tried, you know. I've spent the two years trying…trying so hard to get better. Not so I could manipulate you into getting back with me. I never meant to do…all those things Alli said just to…play you, Clare. I know I did that before, but I wasn't thinking straight and honestly, I didn't realize that's what I was doing until you said so concretely in the hospital. And…after that, I did my best to respect your wishes. But…you can't expect me to go around flashing 'Stalker/Angel' around. There are some things that I want, no some things that _I need to forget_. It's the only way I can deal, it hurts too much any other way," he said, and his brutal honesty shocked me.

"And _I_'m one of those things?" I asked.

Eli took a step back and softly asked, "What do you want from me Clare? You're scared of me, you said so yourself. What am I supposed to do after knowing that, go around talking about our past to you and forty other people that I just met?"

"No, but just…don't write me off like that, Eli. Does what we had mean nothing to you?" I whispered, my eyes not meeting his gaze.

"Does it mean _nothing_ _to me?_" he asked incredulously, raising his voice to a normal level. "_That_ is not fair, Clare. _You_ left _me. _You…moved on before I was even out of crutches," he pointed out, causing a tremor to overcome my body.

"_You_ erased _me_ out of your life, with a bike ride…a dance…a movie night," he listed, and I couldn't deny what he was saying.

His gaze then locked with mine as he ran his hand through his hair and he said, "You know…it wasn't just when I felt you slipping away from me that I wondered something. When I realized the true extent of my feelings for you, when I realized I loved you, I wondered if my love would be strong enough to make you stay; and I was answered by waiting and waiting by myself on a bench that I had managed to delude myself into thinking had some sort of…special meaning for the both of us. Turns out I was just kidding myself all along," he said, and I hid my face in my hands in desperation.

"E-Eli, I'm sorry about that," I began.

"No – you don't have to apologize for the fact that I did some horrible things when I was sick; I thought we established that in the letter I wrote you from the hospital when I finally came to my senses a bit," he immediately said, and I nodded in response.

"But…when you kissed me, Clare. I responded and I told you how I felt. I was honest with you and I told you how I felt," he repeated emphatically, "and _so were you_ – in your conversation with Alli," and he slowly continued, "I won't do this to you again. I am not going to let you enter a relationship with someone you fear, even if that someone is me," he determinedly said.

"Eli, it's not like that. I feel the same way you do!" I yelled at him, but he immediately flashed me a look of daggers.

"No, you don't," he quietly said. "That's what I was trying to tell you in that second letter, which by the way, I still can't believe you actually read. I was so sure you wouldn't that if I knew you were going to after all, I know I wouldn't have admitted to being adrift like that so openly," he continued, and I felt guilty – he was expressing everything so lucidly and candidly and I could barely string more than a few sentences together.

"Eli, but I _do_ feel the same way! I love you and…I need you," I tried to tell him.

"No, you don't, Clare. Because…I never would have treated you like that. You love me but you leave me? You don't want me but you need me?" he shot back, and this time I could feel the hurt in his voice. "And I'm not talking about two years ago, that was my fault entirely. I'm talking about what happened before the summer," he gently added, and it touched me that even in this heated moment, Eli didn't want me to associate that day with graduation by referring to it with that term…he had always insisted my graduation day needed to be one of the happiest of my life.

"But you did leave! You went all the way to Ottawa!" I accused him.

"That was after, and because I thought it was the best way to make things easier for you, and because I was so incredibly hurt that I couldn't even _imagine _waking up in my room the next morning and pretending nothing had happened. And the way I manipulated you back when we were dating is one of the biggest regrets of my life, but going to Ottawa I will _not_ apologize for, Clare," he said, a powerful determination in his voice.

"After two years of working at it every day – I'm all glued back together now, Clare," he said, shaking his head and raising his hands in a defensive gesture, and after a heart-sinking pause he added, "I make no apologies for how I choose to repair what you broke that day this past summer," and I saw a few tears escape his eyes.

I stood there, frozen, feeling like I had just been hit by a truck. _Eli was really hurting_. He was hanging on to this getting better determination because it was all he knew. I realized that the intense feelings that rose in me when I saw him talking – just talking – to Imogen must have been multiplied by a factor of a million in his case for _the year_ that I had been together with Jake. I had put him through so much, and even now looking at him after all this time, I realized the damage I did was more extensive that I ever realized. Eli was strong, but _I had really hurt him_.

As this realization fully registered with me, I tried to calm down and stop crying, but every effort I made towards that goal only seemed to drive me into a crazier frenzy, and I felt my chest heaving, and it was causing me this sharp pain. My grandma's words resounded in my mind and my head was absolutely pounding, and I felt the need to place my hand across my stomach and lean over a little as I needed to catch my breath. I felt myself get really light-headed and I needed to sit down. Eli had picked up on the sudden escalation in my distress, and he jolted out of his frozen stance and kneeled in front of me at once.

"You need to take a deep breath, Clare," he pleaded. "This isn't worth all this worry, it's just idiot me creating more trouble," he said, and he touched my necklace as he said, "What is it…a puppy dies every time an angel cries? We don't want to kill any puppies now, do we?" and a small smile crossed his face as I couldn't help but giggle at the way he had turned that logic around.

I didn't want him to move his hand from my necklace though, so I just put my hand on top of his and held it in place as I whispered, "Don't. Don't move, just stay like this a minute with me," and Eli sighed tearfully and nodded. I focused on his hand as it was rising and falling as caused by my frantic breathing – I tried to minimize the distance it was moving with each breath as I rotated some of the rings on it with my own hand.

He used his free hand to push my bangs back and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear as he said, "There's…something you should know," and I felt more tears come down my face. Is this the part where he tells me Imogen is his new girlfriend?

"Clare…the love you showed me…our good months – _those times_ are what truly saved me. You gave me a reason and the faith I needed to save me from myself, to start again. I know that might sound strange considering I ultimately did end up losing it big time, but I don't think you realize just how bad it was for me right before I met you. Nobody does, because I made sure they couldn't possibly. It would have been a complete disaster, a much worse one, if you had never reached out to me like the angel that you are. The light in these eyes," he whispered as he gently pushed my bangs back again, "brought down a guard that I categorically swore I'd never bring down for anyone ever again. Your love was healing," he continued, and I was so overcome with emotion to hear that that I grabbed his hands, pulled him up and quickly embraced him in a hug. He slowly wrapped his arms around my lower back and I could see goose bumps form all over his skin when I pushed our bodies as close as possible.

My chest was only heaving more intensely though, and Eli started running his fingers over my hair because he knew I always found that extremely calming.

I pulled away a bit and moved my hands to his face as I whispered, "But Eli, this can't be the way it ends," and he slowly responded, "But…I don't see any other way…I don't know what else to do".

I slowly moved my fingers to wipe away his tears and said, "Will you do something for me?" and he immediately nodded. "Eli…you were my best friend. _Please_ don't stop talking to me. _Please_ don't leave your dorm when Adam and I have movie nights," and I saw the look of hesitation in his eyes when I mentioned this option. I knew what he was going to say; I could picture it all in my mind and I didn't want it to become reality.

It couldn't become reality, I thought in a panic. I felt that dizzying light-headedness return and I desperately said, almost choking for breath as I remembered what my grandma had told me, "_Don't_ leave me alone. You _can't_ leave me alone. Please, Eli, you _have to_ promise me. You _have to_! Promise me you and I won't erase each other from our lives. You _have to_ promise me, Eli, please. Just promise me, I trust your promises, you don't break them. I need you to, Eli, please, tell me you won't ever leave me alone. I want to see _you _and not your jacket on a chair. Please, you're my Eli, you need to promise me," I said, speaking frantically and I couldn't even see anymore, the tears were completely flooding my vision, and my chest was falling and rising in a way I had never seen it do before. I had lost all control over my body, and I had no idea how to regain it.

"I promise you," I heard him say as I took in his teary eyes, and I let out a deep breath that I wasn't even aware I was holding. "You're my best friend, Clare," he whispered as one of his hands was rubbing my back gently. As soon as I heard his shaky voice say that, I laid down on the couch in exhaustion, keeping my legs across his lap. Eli moved though, kneeling beside me and he kept patting my curls down as I couldn't help but whimper. Eventually, my breathing slowly returned to normal. Once he noticed that, he slipped one of his hands under my knees and the other just under my lower back and he lifted me off the couch and I rested my head on his chest as my body came into full contact with his. I whispered, "You don't have to," but I was too exhausted to object and I was secretly grateful for his gesture.

I felt myself getting closer to the ground as Eli leaned down to pick up my purse, and I heard him gently say, "Hey, hey, it's all right. I've got you," and I couldn't help but close my eyes and hold on to him a little tighter.

I felt like I was watching everything through a bit of a haze as I saw a girl who looked vaguely familiar hold the door open to my residence building as Eli thanked her and increased his pace a bit as he rushed over the threshold. His grip on me never weakened, and occasionally he kept whispering, "Almost there. I've got you, don't worry".

I saw him grab my keys out of my purse and open the door to my suite. I knew Alli would be at the library, and I silently thanked God for that as I just didn't want to deal with any comments from her that were sure to come at the image of Eli carrying me to my bed. I saw him push open a door, but I couldn't gather the strength to tell him that it was the wrong room…I didn't want to sleep in Alli's bed. However, when we were only a few steps into the room, I felt him turn around as he muttered something to himself that I couldn't understand. He entered the right room and this time I thought I heard him say, "There we go," and I felt him gently put me down on my soft bed. He just stared at me for a few seconds, as if in a trance, but he snapped out of it quickly. He then gently took my shoes off and I could also feel him slip my pashmina off of my neck. His touch was extremely tender and intimate, but in the most innocent and nurturing of ways. I felt him lay my blanket over my body and he placed a gentle kiss on my forehead, before he said, "You get some rest now, okay?" and I slowly nodded in response. He turned the light off but I didn't hear him leave, and I wanted to see what he was doing, but my exhaustion just overwhelmed me in what must have been the next few minutes.

I kept hearing things as I was drifting in and out of sleep, but the only thing that I could ultimately make out was Alli's voice saying, "Thank you for being so understanding, Eli". He had stayed with me until Alli got here, I realized. A few moments later I did finally hear the main door to our suite close and I knew he had left.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review! **


	21. My Heart Is Open

**Hello, **

**I would like to thank my wonderful reviewers ToDecember, EpicNinjaChica, iloveeliandclare, MaddieLovesEclare, xeneti, Cool Person, ilovetaylorswift13, StalkerAngel (kept my fingers crossed for you for your exam!), allysonangel09, eclaredegrassi95, and a lovely anonymous reviewer (how can I identify you…you left me 2 reviews and plot suggestions!).**

**Okay, so there's something I need to say: I'm truly sorry my writing has disappointed some of you. I am pretty new to this fanfiction thing and normally do not show my writing to anyone but professors and work supervisors, and the writing they read is either academic essays or boring legal documents. Never fiction. I started doing this after reading some fabulous stories on this site and as an outlet to process some of the things the show was doing. **

**I received some private messages that were…not gonna lie, pretty hurtful (and I do not mean reviews; some of you left me fantastic advice in reviews that I am very grateful for; particularly musiksnob and ToDecember). As much as I'd like to be able to shrug them off, I can't help but re-evaluate…why I'm doing this. I had planned to sit down and write a bit more tonight, but after what awaited me, I just couldn't do it, and I think it might take me a while before I can. **

**All I can say is I'm sorry I have let you down and you feel like you have wasted your time…or whatever you feel, I can't say I'm entirely sure. The timing is interesting, especially considering that this chapter was meant to be united with the previous one, and the only reason I opted against doing so was because I just thought it would be long, and I don't think in not including these parts together, I created a cliff-hanger. Because I don't like those much. **

**However, this only makes me appreciate the amazing reviews that I received even more…and by that I mean each and every single review. So if you reviewed, yes I mean you. You are fantastic. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real-world references I happen to make.**

**Eli's POV**

"Wow, well as sad as that makes me feel for Clare, I'm glad that you and Alli finally got to talk, dude," I heard Adam say after he had had a few seconds to recover from the shock of hearing what had happened at the end of that chapter meeting.

"Actually, I am too. I knew she wanted to be a good friend to Clare all along, but she surprised me last night. I've never really talked to her properly because she had that period of time where she left Degrassi and that overlapped with a good chunk of time that Clare and I were together for," I told him, "but she's a really smart girl, and I was happy to see that she seemed to understand everything a lot better after we talked some things through. We had a nice chat, and she promised me to look after Clare in the morning," I added.

"Oh man, poor Clare, that sounds kind of beyond intense," Adam said as he cast me a sad look.

"I just didn't know what to do to make her feel better…I felt so helpless," I honestly told him.

"You did the right thing, Eli," Adam assertively said. I felt him hesitate a bit as he added, "But what you do from here on out is even more important, you see. I'm gonna be honest – I don't like hearing about Clare breaking down so many times, Eli. I know Jake messed her up, but Clare's a strong and independent girl…it worries me that all of this stuff has been happening to her," he said.

"You think I like seeing her like that?" I retorted.

"That's not what I'm saying and you know it," Adam softly said. "But Clare really put herself out there when she told you not to erase her from her life, and if you choose to keep up this fear of being in contact with her..." he emphatically continued, "…it'll crush her, Eli. You know it will," and he shot me a serious glare.

He slowly added, "I think…you should ask her to hang out. If you truly want to see her stop hurting, you should let her spend some time with you. And you can see how it goes. But right now you're flying blind, making decisions that don't correspond to what Clare is thinking, Eli. And she sounds like she's close to an intense breaking point. Don't push her past it, dude. It would be so silly, because I'm pretty sure you both want the same thing," he said, and I knew Adam was being brave himself telling me all of this. I knew I wasn't the easiest person to talk to and many times my stubbornness got the best of me.

"You're right," was all I told him in response and he flashed me a huge smile and I swear I thought I heard him mutter "Boo-yeah!" to himself. He prepared to head over to Lana's as only one thought crossed my mind.

Where the hell had I left my phone?

**Clare's POV**

"Wow. You and Eli talk and I am _sleeping_ and miss the whole thing?" I said with a giggle that was only possible in light of hearing the entire conversation Alli and Eli had last night…in my drowsy state I had only caught fragment of their good-bye.

"He's a good guy, Clare. He means well, and he kind of completely worships the ground you walk on," she said with a big smile as she let out a squeal and added, "You should ask him out…make things official!"

"Alli, we _just_ agreed that we'd hang out again as friends yesterday. And I barely got him to do that, I don't want to push," I told her sincerely.

She fixed her stare on me as she said, "You know what I think? I think both of you want the same thing but you are both afraid to admit it to each other. And that way – this is going nowhere fast," she added, crossing her arms over her chest.

I then decided this was as good of a time as any to fill her on Imogen.

"She's after your man, Clare" was all Alli said after I described Imogen's actions last night. "It's too bad for her, though – Eli clearly has eyes for no one but you," and I desperately wished I could completely share her certainty. The only time I had concretely seen Eli respond to Imogen's touch was when he hung on to her so she wouldn't fall…but did that even count?

There was…one other thing that was bothering me about the way that I had seen her touch him last night, though.

"But, Alli…what if Imogen can give Eli…things that _I can't_? That…_I'm not ready to_?" I asked her, thoughtfully rotating the ring on my left hand. I knew Alli had caught on right away, and I was grateful I wouldn't have to spell it out for her.

"Oh, Clare, don't be silly - if Eli really had considered that to be a problem, he'd be long gone, trust me. That stuff...isn't what makes a relationship good - look at me; I did that and look how that turned out! Honestly, I know Eli's a college guy and that it's a little weird knowing he has…done that before with someone else, but don't you think if he was a jerk like that he would have moved on faster than the speed of light? After talking to him last night…I think…that he loves you Clare, and he just wants to be with you – the _real you_, not the…physical stuff," she said, and the complete confidence she exuberated as she shared her opinion with me, combined with her sound argument chased the fear out of my mind.

"You're right," was all I told her in response as I gave her an excited smile. "So, I'm going to Innis College," I announced, as I grabbed my jacket and Alli giggled in response as she said, "That's my girl! Go and get your man!"

Now, where on earth had Eli put my shoes?

It took Alli and I ten minutes to find them, which caused her to ask me at one point if this was Eli's idea of a joke, but then we were the ones to feel a little silly as we noticed that Eli had placed them right beside the door to our suite; I usually just kept them somewhere in my room. I quickly slipped them on and began the four minute walk, and even though I felt a little nervous, I felt more excited than anything. I finally felt that…_this was right. _

Eli had come after me yesterday when he noticed that I was upset, and I knew he felt the same way I did; he was just hesitant because of everything that had happened. I didn't want him to have another opportunity to retreat from me…and somehow end up in Imogen's arms. He was _my _Eli; sweet and charming and caring and intelligent and…even great with kids. Even if our lives had followed different trajectories over the past two years, he had added a lot of good things into his life that only made me want to be with him more. I didn't want him with anyone else, and I definitely didn't want to be with anyone else.

Just as I was heading up the stairs to Eli and Adam's floor, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket as I awkwardly walked by a guy wearing nothing but a towel. Gross.

I glanced at the name that was flashing across the caller ID and felt my heart swell with joy. I didn't care about sounding too desperate, I picked up on the first ring.

"Eli!" I said excitedly.

"Hi Clare," I heard his raspy voice say at the other end of the line. "How are you feeling after last night?"

"So much better. Thank you for getting me back to my room, you really are too good to me," I told him, and I thought I must look like a silly school girl right now, as I just couldn't wipe the huge smile off of my face.

"No, I'm not," he said with a chuckle, and I was glad to see he didn't seem upset, "But I want to ask you something," he said, and I could hear that brave determination in his voice that I loved so much.

He continued, "Do you remember what we talked about last night right before we headed to your rez? How I made you that promise?"

"Yes, of course," I told him. Where was he going with this?

"Yeah…about that…" he slowly started. _No, Eli, don't. _

"I think it's time we start acting on it," he confidently said and I felt myself let out a huge breath. He wasn't calling because he had changed his mind.

"I want to spend time with you, Clare," he plainly said.

"So why don't you come open you door then?" I cheekily responded as Eli softly said, "What?"

"Come to your door, silly – and open it," I emphatically repeated and by this time, I could hear his footsteps on the other side of the barrier.

The door flew open all of a sudden and I quickly took in Eli's appearance; he was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a dark green shirt that brought out those eyes that captivated me so much.

I saw a surprised smirk spread across his face as he saw me standing right in front of him, and I decided that a second to get used to the idea that I was here was enough. I was tired of talking and arguing and crying – I only wanted to do one thing, and I'll be damned if I let him get away again, I thought to myself while allowing him just one more additional second.

Then I took two small steps forward, laid my hands on his shoulders and lightly pulled him in towards me so I could place an eager but gentle kiss on his lips. Initially I felt him shiver a little and it took him a few seconds to respond, but I soon felt him pull me even closer towards him, allowing him enough space to close the door behind me. He gently placed his hands on my hips, and later wrapped them around my lower back as he took the lead on our kiss. It felt like two years of misunderstandings, frustrations, missed opportunities, and feelings so intense that they could barely be contained in our bodies for a second longer were all being poured into this one kiss, and I knew neither one of us wanted it to end.

When I eventually had to pull away so I could catch my breath, I noticed that I had never seen Eli's face quite so red and his eyes widened as he smugly said, "Man, you _gotta _stop kissing me like that, Edwards. You're killing me over here," but his tone was playful and eager and he sure didn't seem to mind as he leaned in and stole a kiss from me himself. His kiss was a lot more tentative than the one I had initiated but it gave me all the information that I needed to know.

"I… love you, Eli," I breathed as he slowly pulled away, "And this is me asking you to jump with me. I don't want to start all over again. I don't need to; I have all the answers I need…I know we can figure this out together. We…are meant to be together," I whispered.

I felt Eli shiver a bit as I ran my fingers through his hair and his hand reached out to touch my angel necklace as he softly said, "I love you so much, Clare. Of course I want to jump with you. I'm going to work at this every day, okay?" he told me as he cast me one of the most vulnerable but sincere looks I have ever seen, and I eagerly responded, "Me too".

Eli then captured my lips and initiated a kiss that I just knew he had been probably been dying to give me for so long now…a kiss that I felt in my entire body…the best kiss of my life.

When we finally pulled away he smugly said, "And I didn't even ask you to come in," as I giggled in response.

"Where's Adam?" I asked him as I sat down on his lap on the couch.

"He's actually in your building, at Lana's," and I felt him shiver as I placed a kiss on his temple. His hands were resting around my waist and there was a sparkle in his eyes tonight that made my knees weak.

"Eli…I hated how Imogen was touching you at that meeting, it drove me nuts, you know," I told him, not bothering to try to filter out the jealousy from my voice.

"That makes two of us," he quickly said, frowning at her name.

"Good," I immediately said and leaned in closer to him, placing a kiss on his piercing. The feeling of being able to touch him again was overwhelming me, and I knew there was something I had to tell him.

"E-Eli…I know there's so much I still have to prove to you, but I mean to do it," I said, as I absent mindedly played with the buttons on his dress shirt.

"I have a few things to prove to you myself, Clare, and I feel the same way," he said, sealing the deal with a series of small pecks on my lips as he was running his hand up and down my arm.

"What time is Adam coming back?" I asked him, surprised at own boldness as I ran my hand down his chest.

I saw him widen his eyes as he said, "I don't know…he's always gone for a while when he goes to see Lana," and I could feel the nervousness in his voice as I slowly tangled my fingers in his hair. I could feel myself getting lost in his smile, and I just wanted to stay with him like this forever.

He softly kissed me again and he let out a deep breath as he pulled away and said, "This is so amazing, Clare…I could kiss you my entire life and I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth," and the look in his eyes was full of love and understanding. I felt my eyes tear up as I realized what Eli was trying to tell me…I realized there was no need to rush into anything as I buried my face in his neck and I left him sigh.

"You know, I'd like to take you out on a date, and I'd like to do it soon," he told me.

"I'd love that," I admitted as I felt his hand rub slow circles across my back.

"Next Friday night?" he asked and I nodded in confirmation, but I also added, "I don't want to wait until then to see you".

"Well, that's the great thing about us being best friends as well," he started, but I interrupted him, "We need to figure out if we have common breaks and when we can have coffee and such," and I felt him pull me a little away from his body, tenderly slipping his arms under my underarms and supporting me in order to be able to give me another gentle kiss that I was convinced almost melted my entire body away.

My mouth didn't catch up with my mind as once I was back to resting my head on his chest I heard myself sigh, "I'm not sure I have the strength in me to leave you tonight, Eli". I immediately felt my face blazing as his eyes widened to an unprecedented level and I could actually _feel _his heart start to beat so much faster.

I felt him take a deep breath and he slowly said, "I love you, Clare, and _because_ I love you so much, I think we should get some coffee and a piece of cheesecake from Bulldog Coffee…and then I will walk you back to your rez," he added, running his hand through my curls lovingly. "It's not that I don't want you to stay – you are _always_ welcome here – and it's not like you ever should associate doing…physical things as some sort of requirement for staying here, because that would be absolutely ridiculous. Just for the record. But this night has been absolutely magic and…if you did mean it _that _way…I'd hate if we let ourselves get caught up and do something we'll regret later…there's no pressure with me, sweetheart, all I want is to take my time to be with you and treat you right," Eli gently told me, and I knew he was right.

I could tell he knew I was still a little embarrassed, and I felt him take my face in his hands as he said, "Hey…look at me, beautiful," and I listened as he continued, "I _love you._ You have a quicksilver mind and a gigantic heart…you're my angel, Clare," and all I could feel was love and comfort and security as I intertwined our hands and whispered, "I'd love to go have coffee and some cheesecake".

**My heart really could use a review right about now. **


	22. Leaving's Not An Option

**Hi lovely readers! So, after receiving so many sweet and encouraging comments, I found the inspiration to return to writing it. And of course I was always planning on finishing it, I have had some very special consistent readers who have told me their feedback every chapter or so…I would never just leave you hanging with an unfinished story!**

**Thank you so much to all of you who contacted me, you are amazing, and I am so glad to hear you like this story. So a huge thank you to EpicNinjaChica, iloveeliandclare, MaddieLovesEclare, xeneti, Cool Person, ilovetaylorswift13, allysonangel09, ToDecember, musiksnob (your review did not sting, it was great and I greatly appreciated it! And I left your name out from my thankyous last chapter by complete accident so I'm sorry!), eclaredegrassi95, dimpleface, eclare1024, molly, Deena, K.N, truelovealways231, MelissaIsLame, CheapNovelty, AzureRay21, Eclare070897, meandthatperson, degrassifan2891, crazfilipina, SJ, and Sophia.**

**Special thank you to my rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel who is also an awesome insight giver! At the bottom of the chapter I have not about a suggestion of hers as well!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Cineplex, Taylor Swift's music or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Clare's POV**

"Clare…would it be okay if…" I heard Eli say as we were walking out of Bulldog coffee, but he just trailed off before he finished his sentence.

"If what?" I encouraged him. I knew the conversation we had over coffee and cheesecake wasn't easy for him…I had basically asked him to resurface all the demons of his past after he had spent the last two and half years working so hard to put them away once and for all.

He told me what he had been doing with his time over that period, and while I was familiar with glimpses of it, there truly was a tremendous amount of information that was all new to me. The changes with his parents – I was relieved to hear they became more aware of what he was up to constantly and that he had an easier time opening up to them both now, how he came to love doing story time at Chapters when he worked there for the summer, how exactly he came to be a Big Brother to Dylan and Scotty, how the transition to college was for him in detail, and his summer in Ottawa.

He was really open with me about everything, and there were a few times when I could tell talking about so much was difficult for him, so I appreciated the effort on his part with all my heart, and I hoped the comments I threw in once in a while were encouraging, because I could tell recounting everything was slowly but systematically draining him.

I also told him what my past two and half years consisted of; and I was ashamed to find myself all nervous and uncomfortable when I was describing the year that I had been with Jake for. I wished I could just erase that part of my life…I just felt like I horribly disappointed Eli by choosing Jake, and because I had been so consumed with worrying about keeping Jake happy, especially near the end of our relationship, that I realized I hadn't done much for myself during that period. I watched a lot of sports and hung out at parties a lot in an effort to please Jake…and I was just ashamed to tell Eli that, so I just briefly alluded to it and rapidly skipped over that period in my narrative. I cringed as the memories of the few interactions between Eli and Jake flashed through my mind…I felt so horrible seeing Imogen hit on him, I can't even imagine how Eli felt watching me with Jake for an entire year…especially considering it was all so soon after I broke up with him. And to make things even worse, that relationship was so horribly exposed and uncomfortably physical and I hate that Eli had to witness that day in and day out for a year.

So I chose to fast forward through that part really, and just tell him about how I pleasantly finished my grade 12 year at Degrassi and I told him my favorite moment of the year was the day he came to the school to give me that cheque for Project Love and we went shopping with Dylan and Scotty, a piece of information that caused a huge smirk to spread across his face. A lot of the comments he made throughout my retellings caused a blush to creep onto my face…I couldn't believe that after all this time, he _still_ had this effect on me. Pretty much the only times where my face would redden so often were times that I spent alone with Eli, when his little witty remarks would leave me all flustered, and I knew there was nothing he loved more than watching me try to hide my blushes in vain. The satisfaction on his face at causing the redness on my cheeks was clear as day.

We talked about the past summer as well, and I told him I had spent a significant period of it at my grandma's…and I'm pretty sure my most intense blush came during this part of our conversation. I didn't tell Eli about our intimate conversation about relationships, and I knew he was a little confused as to why I was blushing at the mention of my grandma, but he didn't push.

He never pushed throughout the entire conversation. Not once. I suspect it was because he was afraid to after I had broken down in the hallway yesterday so intensely. During the more difficult parts of our conversation, he would just reach over and give my hand a squeeze, and he kindly reminded me a few times that we didn't have to figure everything out tonight.

It was also quite late now as we were walking along St George's Street – just past ten. I normally didn't like to wander across the dark campus at this time, but this was different; I was with Eli so there was not the slightest amount of fear or worry in my heart; it actually felt special and even a little exciting to be able to be out this late. All because I felt so safe and well looked after due to Eli's presence. The street was leaf-lined – Eli had been right about that stereotype, and just like he anticipated I absolutely loved the sight…it made everything feel so collegiate and historic. Because it was so quiet – there were only a few other people out walking at this time, you could hear a definite crunch with each step we took.

"Would be okay if you did what, Eli?" I gently repeated, flashing him a warm look.

"I want to…I'd like to…" he said, and he seemed to be at war with himself.

"Yes…?" I encouraged him. What is he so hesitant to do?

"I'd like to hold your hand," he said, causing me to give him a sad incredulous look. _Oh, Eli_. He's so nervous to ask me _that?_

"Eli," I softly sighed, "You don't need to ask my permission to do that," and I gently took his hand in mine. He intertwined our fingers with a shy smile on his face and his touch felt so comforting and secure. I leaned into him a little more – _why_ was it so cold out tonight? – and I placed a small peck on his lips in an effort to communicate to him that I wasn't afraid of his touch. I craved his touch, for God's sake, and I wanted him to realize this.

I didn't want him to feel like he had to place all these inhibitions on himself around me, so as I pulled away I said, "You're my boyfriend, you can hold my hand and hug and kiss me whenever you want," I told him emphatically and I saw his smile turn into that smirk I loved so much. _There's my Eli surfacing_, I thought with a smile of my own.

"Boyfriend?" he repeated spiritedly as I nodded immediately. Unless…"Um, only if you want to," I added nervously, and I felt my cheeks redden as I panicked a little.

"Oh, I want to!" he quickly said, "I just wasn't…you know, sure if you wanted to call me that," he added and he moved his gaze to his feet.

This insecurity on his part was of course justified, but it just had to stop, so I decided to just spell it out clearly for him. I stepped in front of his path and moved his chin up a little so his eyes met mine and told him, "_I love you_, silly. Of course I want to call you my boyfriend. I want to shout it from the Echo Circle, for God's sake!"

Eli flashed me a smirk and immediately gave me a proper kiss full of love and tenderness, whispering, "I love you too, _girlfriend_. So much," as he pulled away.

"Eli…I know it's late, but it's Saturday tomorrow after all…do you want to go to the Japanese Garden for a bit before I have to say bye to you?" I shyly suggested.

"I'd love to," he responded, "the only other time I've ever been there was with you…I love it there," he meaningfully added.

"I love it there too…good things start there," I told him and he pulled our intertwined hands upwards and placed a soft kiss on each of my knuckles. He let go of my hand right after that though, and I saw him slide out of his leather jacket and he placed it around my shoulders, and rubbed my arms gently. He leaned in to place a kiss on my forehead as he said, "It's a bit chillier tonight, you must be pretty cold," and I almost felt tears stinging my eyes in amazement at how Eli could practically read my mind sometimes.

I snuggled into his jacket, loving how his scent was infused with that of the leather, and he took my hand again and led me down the forest path that led to the Japanese Garden. We flashed our student cards to the guard, who reminded us the garden would close in one hour, and once we got in, I was ecstatic to see that we were the only ones here.

Eli led us to the same bench that we had sat on the day of my campus tour, and he sat down at one end while I lay down across the bench and rested my head in his lap. I had a perfect view of the pond; it was barely discernable in the darkness of the night as the garden only had a few solar powered lamps for lighting. If you really focused, you could hear the murmur of the fountain nearby. The peaceful silence in this place made it seem like it was miles away from the hustle and bustle of the usual university chaos, and we just sat there in blissful silence for a few minutes. I could feel Eli slowly twirling one of my curls between his fingers, and I closed my eyes at the tingling sensation; I loved it because it was such a potent but gentle reminder of his presence by my side that I needed in the absence of being able to meet his gaze with my own.

I didn't know if it was the serenity of the garden or the fact that we were the only ones here that transcended into feeling like we were the only two people in the world right now for me, or my overwhelming happiness that we were together as a real couple again that made me break the silence and ask him something that I had been too hesitant to ask him before; our conversation in the coffee shop was so focused on the past two and half years that I never found out something that had been haunting my own mind for so long now.

"Eli?" I softly said, feeling that a tone too loud would disturb the peace of this tranquil garden of escape which seemed to be opening its arms warmly for just Eli and me tonight.

"Yeah?" he responded quietly as he let go of one particular curl and started slowly twirling another.

_Please, God, don't let this question be more than he can handle right now_. "W-when you first went to see Dr. Sadler…did she…" I started, and I didn't feel him flinch or move at the mention of her name or those times so I decided to continue, "did she…diagnose you?" I whispered, immediately regretting my choice of words. I didn't want Eli to feel like I was thinking of him as some type of lab rat at a doctor's disposal.

Silence engulfed us for a painstaking minute before I heard his voice take on a raspy tone and he declared, "Yes".

It was another full minute of me sensing a follow-up question was needed and trying to come up with the perfect wording this time before I knew I wouldn't have to after all, as I felt his chest rise with a deep breath and he continued, "I thought the doctors in the hospital would be on my case before I'd even start physiotherapy…" but I interrupted right away, "You needed physio?" in surprise. I hated how I didn't even know that.

"Nothing serious, just a little for my leg, I only did a few sessions in the hospital," he answered before continuing, "But much to my surprise, they only treated the physical aspects of my injury and discharged me quickly. But I wasn't in house arrest for long before my parents arranged for me to see Dr. Sadler".

I was worried now. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him so bluntly. Did I hurt him? Did he think that once I heard the diagnosis I wouldn't love him anymore? That I'd only look at him through the label of that disease? These thoughts were running through my mind wildly, but then he stopped twirling my curls around his fingers and he instead ran his hand over them, in the soothing manner that he always did when I was upset.

I felt him take another deep breath and he continued, "Anyway, during our first session it was really hard for me to open up to her. She tried so hard to be kind and gentle, and I could tell, but I felt so foreign sitting across from this lady I had never met, knowing I'd have to tell her all my secrets…I felt like it was the official recognition that I was truly crazy, you know?" he asked, my heart slowly breaking for him.

"She didn't have much luck with me in that first session either – she started off by asking about my favorite school subject – I guess that would be a pretty tame introduction question usually - and somehow she had a copy of my latest report card so she could tell it was English; anyway, it was the worst possible note to start on because my writing fiasco was the last thing I wanted to remember then," he continued, and I wondered if the fact that he couldn't meet my gaze was making things a bit easier for him – he was being so candid and explaining everything in more detail than I originally expected.

"I was curt with her initially but I wanted so desperately to get better…not to try to get closer to you, but because I felt like I was about to lose the little I had left as well. It was a feeling that I had never had before, and I never want to have again…it was like I could clearly see what I was headed for…I felt like I was going to lose it all, Clare. I had some nights where I was sure I wouldn't see the morning sun, and then there were days that seemed so dark I couldn't wait for night to come. I knew enough about the direction I was heading in after the hospital to tell that…if things didn't change for me, I was heading for…complete depression. And that thought frightened me to the core, because I just _knew_ that if I'd get lost in that cloud, odds were I wasn't coming out…for the rest of my life," he said, and that disclosure on his part made my heart sink. He had been one step away from such a terrible danger, and I didn't want to think about…_what if._

It was like the floodgates had opened for him though, and he kept speaking, telling me everything I needed to know, as he continued, "Once that realization set in, I thought that if the lady in front of me could somehow pull me away from that cliff, she deserved to know a little about me; she needed to in order to be able to do whatever it was she had planned. So I gave her a brief overview of things, staring out her window the entire time. I started with that fight Julia and I had and ended with how I crashed Morty," he said, and I flinched at the memory of the vulnerable and haunting tone in which he had announced to me _"I crashed Morty"_. He must have felt it because he ran his hand down my arm before resuming patting down my curls.

"So, to answer your question…a few sessions later, during one particularly difficult meeting with her," he said, but I wanted more detail, so I interrupted to ask, "What was it about?"

I felt him hesitate but he eventually said, "She kept pushing me to talk about…you, and I just wasn't ready," and I wanted to hug and kiss him until all this trauma that he had been through could just escape his mind. I wished it was that easy, though…I knew that wasn't our solution, so I just let him carry on.

"I wasn't ready, so I started going off about how I was crazy and maybe she should just leave me alone after all, and I'm not proud of that, but my judgement was still too clouded, and she kept pushing and pushing and I thought I would explode if she didn't stop...talking about you," he said, and I heard his voice crack.

"When Dr. Sadler heard me call myself crazy, she said I wasn't right…and she finally let me know the diagnosis that I knew she had probably assigned to me after that first session," he continued.

There was another minute of silence before his voice came out really hoarse and I felt him move his hand out of my hair.

"Post-traumatic stress leading to a psychotic break," he deadpanned.

Now, I had done my share of research this summer on what exactly might have happened to Eli, and PTSD crossed my mind, but it just didn't seem to match completely. But this…post-traumatic stress leading to a psychotic break… the very second I heard it, I just knew Dr. Sadler had gotten it right.

The minute he said his diagnosis out loud, it was like his body almost went limp and I didn't turn around to meet his gaze, but searched for his right hand and intertwined our fingers instead.

"I just realized something," he said, "What I did tonight…wasn't fair. I should have told you this before kissing you. If this…changes your desire to be in a relationship with me…I completely understand. And it won't lead to another psychotic break, so please don't feel like you have to stay with me because of that. It's not the gun situation all over again," he said and I wanted to burst into tears. He had realized in retrospect that that hug I gave him in that moment…was fake.

"One heading in a medical dictionary opposed to another doesn't change my love for you," I assertively told him in a loud whisper as I stared at the pond, and I was shocked to hear him sob.

"I swear, Clare, Dr. Sadler says it's not a permanent thing, it's not like I'm sick forever. She dismissed me as a client a year and a half ago now…I don't have to be in therapy for the rest of my life," he managed to choke out, and I squeezed his hand tighter.

"I love you and I stand by you," was all I said in response because it's all I felt, and this time I was the one to move our intertwined hands upwards and place a kiss on his hand.

There was something I needed to know, though. "E-Eli? Did she tell you…the exact cause of the post-traumatic stress?"

I felt him take a deep breath in an attempt to calm down his sobs and he responded, "She actually seriously said I could make the textbooks in that category. She told me she had never seen anything like it, that it was a series of traumatic episodes one right after another and that apparently each one on its own would have been potent enough to cause a break on its own. She identified four things…Julia's death, what happened with Fitz at Vegas Night, then Fitz's return and how he wanted to…get close to you," and he trailed off.

But that was _three_ things. I knew why he had stopped, and I gently pushed, "…and my phone call. My damn phone call was the fourth," I muttered.

"Did you just…swear?" Eli asked incredulously.

"I'm allowed just this once," I said, much like a stubborn little girl looking to get her way, but at least it made Eli chuckle a little so it was worth it.

"I don't want you to feel any guilt, Clare. I couldn't live with myself. I brought all of this on. Please…tell me you don't feel guilty," he pleaded.

"How can I not?" I said tearfully.

"Because…don't you remember what I told you? Your love saved me, Clare. Without it…it would have been so bad. What you showed me…it was the single, most amazing display of love and kindness that I had ever seen. Before you, I wasn't even aware human beings were capable of such a thing. Please…I don't know how to make this work if you feel guilty. That'll consume me. Please, let's both work together on moving on," he said.

I knew he needed this, so I let out a shaky breath and said, "Okay. Together. Moving on," and I felt him place the hand that was not holding my own in my hair again and he once again began twisting one of my curls around his finger.

"Thank you," I heard him whisper and he bent down to press a kiss to my temple. I felt his face was extremely hot and also damp, and I knew maybe I should stop pushing him, but there was something else that had been plaguing me.

"E-Eli…you never dated anyone else while we were apart, right? Not at Degrassi, and…not here?" I softly asked. I was sure I would have found out about things at Degrassi…but he had been here a whole year without me. When I came for my tour we had that little moment where I implied things about Audrey and he told me he wasn't into the college drinking and sleeping around thing, but…what if he had tried a short relationship? It was possible, though I highly doubted it.

"No, I didn't," he said, and I felt relieved. I knew it was selfish of me, and I was so ashamed to think about Jake again, but…the thought of another girl touching him drove me absolutely crazy. It had the power to bring thoughts to mind that I knew a Christian should not have.

"My dad…he really wanted me to, I could tell. He was all…worried, took it as a sign that something might be wrong with me. I could tell my mom knew why I didn't, though. And I don't blame Bullfrog, that's just what he thinks a college kid is expected to do…but you see, it's different. He met my mom in college and they've been together ever since, I just don't think he understood," and I was really glad to hear that. It also explained a little about the way Bullfrog was so hesitant to me whenever I saw him after I broke up with Eli.

I slowly asked, "You…didn't _want to _date another girl? You could have had your pick, you know. Girls who…are different than me, who…_will do things that I can't do_," and I couldn't care if he could detect the jealousy in my voice as I twirled the ring around my finger, hoping Eli's fingers, that were intertwined with my own, wouldn't detect the movement. Imogen's presence had triggered a monster in me…one that surprisingly had Alli's tone in my imagination as it whispered to me 'She's after your man'.

"Clare…I couldn't pull a number like that on a girl. I couldn't use a girl like that. I couldn't choose a girl and just pretend she was you. It doesn't work that way," he slowly said and I felt tears stinging my eyes.

The position we were in, Eli just sitting on the bench as I laid across it with my head in his lap, had created an environment in which throughout our entire conversation, we had kept our gazes forward, but now I felt Eli lift me up and I continued nervously twirling my ring around my finger. He looked into my eyes for a minute, and there was so much concern in his eyes that I had to look away.

_ He knows. He's figured it out. Oh God, this is so embarrassing. _

"What did he do to you?" he whispered, horrified, scanning my eyes with a look that made me swear he could see right through me in that moment.

I shook my head and refused to meet his gaze.

"Clare, you're killing me over here. You said, at Mont Tremblant, that…he tried, but that you ran away. That was _before_ he actually did anything, right?" he asked in a panicked tone, but I still couldn't answer him. "Right? Oh my God, Clare, right? Was there…another time? Did he come near you after that? Because if something happened…sweetheart, it's not your fault. Because if he took that away from you, that time doesn't count...even I know that God understands that it doesn't, and we'll find a way to get through it," he pleaded with me, and my heart swelled at what Eli was saying.

I didn't want to give him a heart attack, so I stopped him from going down this tangent and I said, "No, Eli, he didn't. No one took that away from me," and I saw his features instantly relax.

"Good, because then I would have killed him. But, Clare…that still doesn't answer my question. All this talk lately of…other girls who would do things you won't, and that moment earlier in my room…what did he do to you? And I don't mean physically," he said.

I kept silent, trying to phrase everything correctly.

Eli spoke up though, "You know, at first, when I realized you were dating him, I was a little relieved," and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He explained, "I was originally scared…that Fitz might start creeping on you once he'd find out you were single. Not that he didn't creep on you when we were dating anyway, actually. But I was terrified of that really. So when I saw you with Jake and Adam told me that he had been a Christian all his life, and when I saw how everyone at school loved him right away, I was at least happy that you wouldn't be in any danger. And I'm sorry, but I still don't trust Fitz so I hope you don't get mad about that, and may I point out Dr. Sadler agrees with me, just for the sake of argument. So, as much as every touch of his on your body drove me insane, and the only thing worse than that was seeing you touch him in return, I took solace in thinking he was a lot better for you than I ever was," and my heart broke when I heard Eli say that. _That's what he was thinking?_ He couldn't be more wrong.

"But then…do you remember when I had to do that history project with him?" and I nodded in response. "Well, the only reason we got paired up was because we were both late to class, and he told me all about how he was late because he was up late exhausted from the night before when…he had…done things to you in the back of the movie theatre, and that you had…done things to him in return. And I didn't believe him obviously, but I knew something was up, and I should have acted sooner, but I was too blind by my obsession of keeping my own promise to you so I dismissed as him just trying to get under my skin. But, Clare…we know now Jake is not a Christian, and nothing but a disgusting jerk. So…things he said and argued…are not worth a second thought," he pleaded with me.

"Clare, _please_ tell me what you are thinking. Your silence is killing me," he confessed, and I knew I had to speak up now.

"You're completely right about Jake, Eli. But…seeing the way Imogen touched you, and hearing the things Jake asked of me…" I tried to explain, and I knew I wasn't being clear, "and being here at college, it's…all too much, it's messing with my head."

"What do you mean? What's wrong? We'll figure it out together," he said, softly squeezing my hand.

"It's just… that episode where Jake asked…_more_ of me. Not breaking my vow, but…_more_. I knew my answer would be no right away, because I was repulsed by him, but his proposition keeps haunting me. Because I'm not sure…I _can _ever give more anytime soon. In fact, sometimes the idea of giving more is kind of _scarier _in my mind than the thought of…fully breaking my actual vow. I always thought the limits of my vow would be so simple, but the more determined I am to keep it, the more confusing it gets. I know I'm sending you mixed messages, and that's not fair, but Eli…being with you is so amazingly overwhelming at times that you're the only person that could _ever_ make me reconsider this. I know that I love you and that I wouldn't regret it, but…it's still scary for me, Eli. I look at my ring, and even after my parents' divorce…it's still important to me. Ugh, I don't know, I'm not making any sense. And then there's the fact that…I don't want to like…hold you back, you know? I know my vow is not your favourite thing, and you're so understanding, but there's all this pressure…" I enumerated and my words all started to jumble together as I buried my face in his shoulder in embarrassment.

Eli just lovingly rubbed circles across my back with his fingers and after letting me hide for a minute, he whispered, "Look at me," and I did so, hoping he wouldn't see the shyness in my eyes.

"What pressure, sweetheart? Who is pressuring you?" he asked so sincerely.

"Sometimes I feel that it's everything and everyone around me!" I honestly told him. "Except you," I softly added, realizing I just answered my own concern. "But…what if you change your mind? What if…I'm not enough?" I asked him.

"What! That's ridiculous, Clare! I love you because you have stealth intelligence, the kindest heart out of anyone I know, the most energetic passion when you put your mind up to something, and most importantly, because you are my best friend. I love the way this curl," he said, reaching for it and bouncing it gently, "can never seem to stay quite completely away from your face, how your blue eyes change the exact point of their sparkle in the sun every so often, how you always seem to be just _a little_ colder than everyone else in the room in all seasons, how you try to hide that adorable blush that is my favorite sight in the whole world, and how the slightest giggle from you can turn my most nightmarish day into a ray of light. _Those_ are just a few of the multitude of reasons why I love you…and even if you are absolutely breathtakingly beautiful, it's not…your body that I'm in this for. You're an absolute angel and I wouldn't change _anything _about you. Your vow is a part of who you are, and I love who you are so much. I wouldn't change one hair on your head," he softly said, pulling me in a little closer and placing a kiss in my curls.

"I hate that you feel that being with me puts…this pressure on you," he said, his voice breaking. I was still tearing up from his list of reasons, because his eyes shone with a brutal honesty as he enumerated them all…an honesty that had the power to chase all of my fears away.

"It's not like that, Eli, that's not what I meant. I just…it's other people, not you and me, that have caused all these doubts," I tried to explain.

Eli then gently intertwined our other hands together as well, bringing them between our chests and he said, "Those other people don't get a say in what is _ours_, Clare. The only people that matter here are _you_ and _me_. And there is no universe in this world where you won't be enough or where I will change my mind, and it breaks my heart to even hear you fathom such a possibility. Those limits and definitions that Jake placed on your vow…that's just idiotic and ridiculous and none of those exist with me. I love you so much...every part of you. Of course we'll honour your vow, sweetheart, and I want you to know you can always talk about it to me as well," he said, lovingly tangling his fingers in my hair. He paused for a second as I rested my head on his chest before he whispered, "Clare, what we're doing here, me and you – I just want you to know that I'm all in," and I couldn't help but lean in and give him a slow kiss.

"Leaving's not an option," I whispered as I pulled away, remembering my grandma's words.

Eli flinched though, as he said, "No…I don't want you to feel trapped in this, Clare! I am all in and will work every day to make you happy, but only for as long as you decide to give me," and with everything that had happened between us, I realized why he was reacting like this, but I wasn't worried about it. I knew he was being really honest, so I just gave him a quick kiss and said, "I _don't_ and _won't_ feel trapped, so don't worry about that. I know what you mean, but let it go, Eli," and he sighed with relief.

I felt him wrap his arms gently around me and he gave me a tender kiss in return, a kiss it took me a couple of seconds to recover from as I laid my head back on his chest and closed my eyes for just a few seconds, knowing we probably only had a few minutes now before the garden closed and we would have to leave.

**Imogen's POV**

_Hi Imogen, _

_ Hope things are good at college. Everything is fine here at work and at home. _

_ Let us know by e-mail if you need us to increase your credit card limit now that you are living on your own. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Mom and Dad_

Sincerely? It wouldn't kill you to put _Lov_e, I thought as tears stung my eyes. But then again, deep down inside I knew better than that. Neither of them wrote this e-mail, it was probably some nervous intern who my mom or dad instructed to write to me as they were walking in the hallway towards an Operating Room or going down an elevator to a meeting. I could just picture it all in my mind right now.

_That was an amazing surgery, Dr. Moreno, thank you so much for letting me scrub in on it. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight? _The intern would ask, desperate to have my mom or dad remember their name so they could get hired at the end of their training program.

_Actually, if you aren't heading off yet, there is just one thing I would greatly appreciate, _they would say, knowing the intern would donate a kidney to them if it meant they would give them a word of praise in return. _Go to my e-mail account and send a message to my daughter saying we're fine and we hope she's the same. _And then, as they would bother to think about me for longer a second and the realization that I might be lonely or not okay here crept in, they would add the detail about the credit card, and that would push any feelings of guilt, small as they might be, aside.

I don't need my stupid limit increased, it's astronomical in the first place and I have a scholarship after all. Not that they noticed or came to my graduation or anything like that. And I know, I know, I'm not about to remove a dying man's surgeon from their bedside so I can feel like just like all the other kids at graduation, but…when I told them I got accepted to U of T they didn't even blink, telling me of "Of course you did".

Then when I received my scholarship, I thought _finally_ – something that would make me distinct in their eyes, but all they said was that they hoped I was proud of myself. Not that _they_ were proud of me.

And I'm different now…or so I thought. I'm not the way I was in high school, doing anything to get their attention, and…everyone else's. Because I quickly figured out that the attention of people my age was really easy to get, much easier than my parents'. All it took was a bandage on my wrist and _boom_, people looked at me with an empathy that _never_ flashed across my parent's eyes. Calculating the age difference between myself and my parents…it didn't seem like I was an accident, although I know those can happen at any time, not just to young parents. But I had to be. Why would you have a child if you never pay attention to it? The people in my life that I was closest to were always nannies, but after I turned eleven, my parents decided I was too old for those and it's been just me ever since. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. Oh, poor lonely little rich girl, all alone among her pretty clothes and unlimited funds. I can have everything and anything I want, right? _Wrong_. The one thing I want I will never get.

And when I was in high school, I looked for love somewhere else, and…I thought _he_ did love me. Turns out I was just a ditz with a credit card whose parents ran the surgery department he dreamt of one day getting admitted to. And the worst part is I knew that one day he _will_ be admitted into it. I believed him when he told me that he loved me.

And man, he really was a credit to his gender, telling me I was…_special _all the time. He knew exactly what I needed to hear and he would tell me it whenever doubt crept into my mind, and every single time it would make me feel better. He got me to do everything he wanted by telling me that. And after that first and only night together, I didn't regret anything because I thought he loved me. Then, when I followed my parents to a medical conference thinking that if I sat in on their sessions at least that would be time together, I came home to find out he had spent the entire week with some blonde cheerleader that accompanied the football team on their away games road trip. I didn't believe her at first, because I…was _special_, right? How could he do that? But she had…his texts. His completely incriminating texts, and even though he tried to fix things with me, he never denied it. And when he asked me to not tell my parents, when he desperately pleaded me not to, I _knew. _I knew the blonde was telling me the truth and that all along he was just using me to get to them. And of course, I never did tell them.

So I stopped my attention seeking ways and started volunteering at the Teen Crisis Centre, and pretty soon I spent as much time there, finishing my training and actually starting to take phone calls, as my parents did at the hospital. I eventually even made a few friends, none of whom stayed at U of T. And I totally stayed away from boys. My first year at U of T was lonely, I chose to stay at home, thinking maybe now that I was in college my parents might start telling me more about their lives, I was older now, right? Wrong. Wrong again. So this year I moved in on campus, thinking it would help me make more friends. But so far, I've been wrong yet another time. Whenever I'm not in class or going for a run or doing scholarship chapter business, I just stay here…alone - in one of the nicest suites money can rent, of course. And…I wasn't proud of the way I acted at that chapter meeting.

_I lied_. And it's been so long since I've done that. I implied I had serious issues in high school, and I didn't, really.

But the reason that I did it was even more shameful. I knew…it would make Eli pay attention to me. We had only just met one time before that, when we had coffee to plan the chapter meeting. But something that he did made me realize that he is the kind of guy that I had desperately wished for Steven to be. He would never hurt anyone the way Steven had. He was so polite with me the entire time, and so focused on our work, and when I forgot to bring my chapter co-ordinator handbook, he told me I could just borrow his for a couple of days, and when some drunken idiot whistled at the short dress that I was wearing as Eli walked me back to my residence, something he insisted on doing because it was dark by the time we finished, he instinctively told him to go take a hike.

And Eli's major is English Lit and Creative Writing, so I don't think he's looking to get into surgery anytime soon. And even if he was, this isn't high school. People don't know who my parents are or what they do here. Is it so wrong for me to want to be with a nice guy who I know will treat me right? It's not…but I knew it was wrong to lie to him like that. And when he did look at my wrists after I had rubbed them…I felt that same rush of triumph that I often did in high school. I knew this was wrong, and I didn't want to manipulate him like this, but…I'm scared he won't like me once he finds out that I am exactly what my mom called me. Her and my dad thought I was asleep that night, but my recent news of winning a Centennial Foundation Scholarship had me all giddy and too excited to sleep so I decided to come down to the kitchen to have a celebratory piece of chocolate cake – something that I knew my mom would disapprove of, so I was tip toing around.

I didn't expect them to be in the kitchen – it was the day of graduation and because they had missed it due to being in surgery, I thought their procedure would take a while and they would be coming in late at night. But as much as I have tried to forget and convince myself that they are wrong, I will never forget the moment in which I heard my mom say to my dad…_How is it possible that the two of us, after all the work we've done and all we've achieved, could have a child that is so…ordinary?_

_So ordinary. _

_I was ordinary. _

_I wasn't what they wanted. _

_I was interchangeable. _

_I was nothing. _

But…I _had to_ mean something to someone. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. If I ever have a child, I want them to be the centre of my universe. So when I saw an e-mail from Harry that he had sent to both Eli and myself asking us to join the senior co-ordinators at training weekend at the foundation headquarters in Montreal, I prayed that he would also RSVP yes. And I knew he would…Harry's requests were not the kind of thing we were supposed to say no.

**Adam's POV**

"Man, I'm like the head cheerleader for this relationship…and I couldn't be more proud tonight. I was kind of out of a job for two freaking years there," I told Eli with a laugh as he was getting ready for his first official date with Clare. Or first official reunion date? Or first official make-up date? Oh man, who even knew with these two anymore.

And figuring out the difference between these labels is something I never intended to do with Lana; I so don't want Lana and I to ever have to spend any time apart. But Eli and Clare…for a couple who was apart for two years, they sure seemed to be like…magnetically pulled toward each other at different crisis moments over that period of time…who did they think they were kidding? I could tell that not even Dawes bought their little act. Out of everyone around them, the only people that really did were really…each other.

"Shut up, man," Eli shot back with a glare, but I knew he wasn't angry. Nothing could make him angry tonight. Not even the news that he had to head off to Montreal for the weekend for some training thing bright and early Saturday morning. He wasn't stoked on having to do that, but his plans with Clare were for Friday night, so I knew he wasn't looking past tonight. He was much too happy for that.

"You and Lana going out tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah, just to catch a band she wants to see," I responded, grinning like an idiot the whole time. That's what her name did to me.

"Country?" he said with a frown, being all too familiar with Lana's music preference.

"She insists they are more 'rock and roll string music,'" I said, quoting her as Eli slapped his hand on my shoulder as he said, "Right. So, have fun at the _country_ show man!" and I rolled my eyes in response.

"Have fun with Clare," I told him as he headed out the door. I could have opted for a much more humorous remark about the two of them finally reuniting, but I chose not to. I didn't want to take a risk and upset Eli. There will be plenty of time for teasing later on.

**Clare's POV**

"Eeekkkkk! You look so gorgeous," Alli squeaked out once I had added my angel necklace to my light blue dress and black cardigan. I really did like this dress. It had little cap sleeves and it went to just a little above my knees, and it had such pretty Western-inspired trim along the hem and neckline. Alli lent me a pair or blue pear drop earrings and gave me a hug.

"I'm so happy to see you happy," she said, and the sincerity in her voice touched me.

"I probably wouldn't be here without you," I told her, meaning every word. Alli had given me a critical push just at the right time.

Alli's giddiness got the best of our moment, though, as she let out another squeal as she said, "Eli's eyes are going to pop out of their sockets once he sees you, I bet!" and I giggled in response. Getting dressed for dates that Eli would take me on was so fun…and not stressful. I knew that I could take the time to try on pretty things and choose whatever I wanted, because he seemed to love everything I ever put on.

"And speak of the devil," Alli said as we both heard a knock on our door. I headed to answer it, but Alli made a beeline for it instead, whispering, "No! You can't answer the door, make him wait a little bit! Even if he has practically waited two and a half years," she said with a giggle that I couldn't help but respond to. Poor Eli, being subject to all of Alli's little dating protocols.

"Hey there, Eli," she said as she opened the door, "So, mister…just what are your intentions with my friend tonight?" she playfully asked, but my face immediately flushed…not the best timing on her part, considering how that subject was at the centre of my little bout of insecurity last week.

"Umm, nothing but the best?" Eli said with a smirk on his face, but I pushed Alli out of the way and shyly said, "Hi, Eli" and he had the same reaction to seeing me appear for a date night that he always used to have.

He flashed me his trademark smirk as the tiniest of blushes appeared on his cheeks when he took in my appearance, smiling when he noticed my necklace. "You look so beautiful tonight, Clare," he said, and of course, even though I knew that comment was coming, he still left me all flustered and unable to come up with an immediate response.

Alli piped in, "Aww, Eli, you don't like my pink PJs? That's too bad, guess I won't accompany you two lovebirds tonight," and he smirked at her in response. I was so happy to see such an interaction between the two, and when Eli held out a bouquet of yellow and orange flowers to me and handed a single pink flower to Alli, I had to control my impulse to kiss him so as to not embarrass Alli.

"These are for you," he said as he handed me the bouquet and I buried my face in it, taking in its lovely scent, and he shyly handed the other flower to Alli saying, "And this one is for you. Thank you, Alli," he said meaningfully, and she let out a tiny squeal as she sadly said she can't remember the last time she was given a flower, and I saw Eli's face fall a little.

I gave her a side hug and told Eli I'd be right back as I had to put my flowers in some water, but Alli gently took them from me and said "You'd best be on your way, I'll take care of that," and I gave her a proper embrace before taking the hand that Eli was reaching out to me and leaning into his shoulder as we made our way to the Jeep.

"Oh, I'm pretty excited to be getting out of the campus bubble for a bit," I told him as he held my door open for me. His theory about the campus bubble had also been spot on.

"Me too, it's been such a crazy week," he responded.

Eli and I had figured out our common breaks and we'd often go for coffee, hang out at his apartment and watch a movie or some TV, or just have a library session together. His semester seemed so intense to me; he was taking six classes to make up for the fact that he never did take that Creative Writing class this past summer. In addition, he was doing part time work for Big Brothers, and all that chapter co-ordinating business for the scholarship foundation.

Despite everything though, he would always make time to see me, in the beginning needing a little bit of coaxing from me…he was still a little hesitant to send me too many texts, so I'd encourage him by starting those conversations myself. But we had struck a perfect balance in between all of his commitments, and my efforts to make a successful transition to U of T…sometimes I'd get a little jealous of all his commitments, especially when I knew Imogen would be at all those meetings. He told me she had laid off once he mentioned he had a girlfriend, an obvious smirk appearing across his face at that term, and that nowadays she just looked sad and really preoccupied all the time, so I didn't worry much. Besides, I completely trusted Eli; it was just gross to think of her advances, though.

Eli turned on the heat in the car just as we got in, and he switched the radio station to my favorite one as I reached for his hand – he always only really drove using one hand – and intertwined it with my own. I didn't want to ruin this nice moment with words, I just enjoyed the fact that I was once again able to be with the Eli only I got to see. I watched as his eyes rapidly scanned the road at every turn and at an occasional red light I would lean over and place a small kiss on his temple, or his ear piercing, or his cheek, and ultimately his lips. I could tell that now I was the one flustering him, because I was kissing him but both of us were just enjoying the quiet Toronto night and not saying anything.

Once we got to the movie theatre – Eli had suggested we watch a movie that I had been dying to see for a while now – he took my hand and I asked him something that had me a little nervous.

"How was dinner with your parents?" knowing that he did this every Friday night as Cece and Bullfrog came to campus to visit him. I assumed today would be the moment in which they would have found out Eli and I were back together…and I was worried about their reaction. They had every reason to be doubtful, or to hate me even.

"It was good," Eli replied. "It's always fun to see my parents, and we were all hoping you would join us next Friday night…and hopefully for many more after that," he confidently said as we lined up to get our tickets.

"Really?" I shyly asked. "They're not mad at me? They don't…hate me?" I said, and I felt Eli squeeze my hand.

"Of course not, Clare. My mom was delighted to hear the news, and Bullfrog said he's on board as well," and I let out a deep breath. It was so nice to have their support. I had kind of figured about Cece, but I wasn't so sure where things stood with Bullfrog. I really wanted to prove to them I wasn't just playing around with Eli's emotions.

"I'd love to," I responded as Eli flashed me a smirk.

He bought our tickets, and didn't even give me a chance to argue about paying, and then at the concession stand it touched me to see that he remembered that I loved popcorn and M and Ms, but as he put his arm around my shoulder, he didn't just assume that's what I wanted…he asked me if that was the choice for tonight as I nodded with a smile.

When he headed in the movie theatre, Eli asked me where I would like to sit and I chose a couple of seats towards the back so I snuggle into him throughout the movie and not feel too self-conscious. I knew he wouldn't interpret this as a sign that I didn't want to be seen with him or something…it was just the way I had always been about public displays of affection.

And Eli was being the way he had always been about being respectful of my boundaries, as he settled in his own seat, and I was the one to raise the hand rest in between our seats. Once he saw me do that though, a small smirk appeared on his face and he opened his arms. I happily nestled into them and looked around me as the previews for other movies began playing and the screen flashed "Cineplex: Escape With Us". I let out a contended sigh as I whispered to him,

"Eli…I'm having one of those moments," and I felt him lower his head towards my own as he asked,

"What moments?"

"One of those moments where everything is so wonderful and so perfect…that it almost makes me feel sad, knowing it will eventually have to come to an end," I admitted, wondering if what I just said made any sort of sense.

"Oh, Clare, you are just _too _cute," he said, as I felt his chest rise and fall, "…I promise you there will be many others, okay? And besides, this moment itself is just starting," he said playfully, as the title of the movie flashed onto the screen. How did he know exactly what to say to make me feel better?

This right here, being in this movie theatre, another space that had been a little ruined for me after Jake, with Eli holding onto me gently but securely…it was the happiest and most content I had been in a long time.

"I can't believe the writers were so stupid - they killed her!" I exclaimed in disbelief.

"That was truly a lame ending to an otherwise pretty solid movie," Eli said, and I was glad that he shared my opinion. "It was dumb really – she comes back to give one great concert and then she kills herself? Because all artists must die for their art? Please!" he exclaimed, waving his hands around. He was completely right, and I loved his light-heartedness as he was explaining just how mad he would be if when it came out on DVD it wouldn't include an alternate ending.

I headed into the washroom while Eli waited outside for me, and as I came out it felt so good to see him standing there in his dark jeans and blue dress shirt, knowing he was waiting for _me_, that I ran excitedly to him and gave him a small kiss.

"Thank you for taking me to see this movie," I breathed as I pulled away.

"Thank _you_ for doing me the honour of letting me take you on our first official date – part 2," he said with a smirk, and I was glad to be offered a glimpse of a future where his sarcastic remarks would include jokes about all we've been through.

As we got in the car and Eli turned the heat on, much to my relief as I was freezing in the cold night air, I knew I didn't want this night to end and…there was something I really wanted to do.

"Eli…do you mind if we go somewhere else for a bit? I want to…do something," I told him.

He was driving down Queen's Street at this point, and he reached over with his free hand to find my own, and said "Of course not, Clare. You don't need to ask me if I mind. Just tell me what you want to do, and _your wish is my command, milady_," he said in a mock British accent.

"How about I just…give you the directions?" I countered playfully and he chuckled in response.

I gave him the clues to the right turns in the familiar neighbourhood and made him pull over at the end of the block from my intended destination, as I wanted the anticipation of walking there.

When we finally got there, I rested against the door just as I had first done almost three years ago, and I saw a huge smirk spread across his face as I said, "I need to get my piercing redone".

He didn't respond, but just captured my lips with his own and gave me a kiss so full of emotion that it made me shiver.

Once we were inside the shop, we explained to the lady at the front what we wanted, and Eli squeezed my hand a bit tighter once he saw that I was starting to get a little scared…this did hurt a little after all.

We headed to the back of the shop and I took a seat and a few minutes later a guy in his middle to late twenties came in.

"Okay, so I love your choice," he said, puzzling me a bit. Weren't these piercings pretty common? "We can get started as soon as you take off your cardigan and lift off the top of that dress, honey," and my eyes widened.

"_Excuse me_?" I heard Eli say in anger as he stood up straighter and pulled me gently behind him.

"Um…if I'm going to tattoo that anchor on her shoulder, I need to actually access the skin there, man, not my fault she didn't just wear a tank top," he said, blushing and raising his hands in defence.

I saw Eli relax a bit as he realized the misunderstanding and he just slowly said, "She's not here to do that, and she's most certainly not taking _anything _off. We're here for a _cartilage piercing,_" he spelled out.

The employee's own eyes widened as he muttered, "I swear to God, that new receptionist is never going to learn how to put things in a daily log," and he looked right at Eli when he said, "I'm so sorry man, I didn't mean to make your girl or you uncomfortable, I'll got get that stunt gun and be right back," and Eli just responded, "It's all right," looking very unimpressed.

As the employee left, I rubbed his back a little as I saw he was still a little upset with everything, so I said, "Thank you for standing up for me," and he softly kissed my cheek in response. I knew that Eli was fiercely protective, but I had come to realize that maybe that wasn't such a bad thing…what the employee said to me did unnerve me a bit, it was a little creepy in here.

When the guy returned with the stunt gun, Eli took my hand as I was warned it might hurt a bit, and I could the look of concern in Eli's eyes. However, as he inspected my cartilage closer, he said, "Oh, hang on here. Have you had this pierced before?" he asked me.

"Three years ago," I told him.

"Yeah, I can tell. It hasn't completely closed off yet, so you're lucky – this won't hurt so much," he said, as he traded the stunt gun for a sterilized needle and just lightly pushed it in my ear. I barely felt anything, and I assured Eli of that immediately.

The employee said, "Yeah, sometimes it's a weird thing, even after three years like you said, these little buggers just don't want to close off, they have a mind of their own," and I winked Eli's way.

"I would like a hoop just like his," I said, reaching over to pull the hair away from Eli's ear to show the employee, and he told me that that wouldn't be a problem and returned a few minutes later and inserted it into my ear.

We left the store, and as Eli and I were walking to the car hand in hand, I slowly said, "Eli?"

"Yes?" he encouraged me.

"I'm really happy right now," I told him, like a giddy schoolgirl, but he had the right to know. He was the one who made me happy.

"I'm so glad, Clare," was all he softly whispered back to me.

"Do you _have to_ go tomorrow? All the way to Montreal? And by train, too? That will just take so much longer," I whined. Who's the clingy one now, I thought with a small smirk.

"I don't want to, but I have to," he responded, and I was glad that Eli had added so many things in his life in an effort to get better, but now all these things were consuming his time, and I jealously wanted him all to myself after such a long separation.

"I'll be back before you know it, though," he said, "and the train trip will give me the perfect chance to proofread _someone's very first university English essay_," he said poignantly.

"I'm so nervous about that, I hate that the first thing I had to write had to be for second-year English," I told him.

"Don't be nervous, you're brilliant, and besides – I know Dr. Gifford's marking style and what he wants, I'll be able to fine-tune your essay to his liking," he said, and my heart swelled with gratefulness.

"Eli, what would I do without you? I'd be sad and lonely," I said playfully, but my voice also had a tone of seriousness etched into it that I'm sure Eli picked up on judging by his response.

"Well, then, it's a good thing I'm not going anywhere," he assured me as he placed a kiss on my forehead and I grinned up at him.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review!**

**Also, credit for the symbolic Clare's-piercing-never-closed moment goes to my friend StalkerAngel. **

**Eli's diagnosis…I am not sure the show will ever give us one (they'd better), but this one comes courtesy of my aunt who is a doctor. She's not a psychiatrist, but doesn't it kind of perfectly match him? (She's watched his episodes).**


	23. Got on That Train

**Hi everyone!**

**I have a special note: I appreciate that you are reading this story so much and I hope it helps your broken EClare heart (after that Drop The World Disaster…how can we all not have broken hearts?), and I love that you stuck with it so far…I know I took my sweet time in getting them back together, but that is because that is the only way I could realistically imagine it happening. There was an intentional car crash after all…that's not light-hearted stuff! So on that note, I don't want you guys to worry too much about Imogen. She definitely has an important part in the story – and obviously that background I gave on her is just a vision of mine, I'm sure it'll be quite different on the show, but we don't know much about her so I just gave her a background that I thought was consistent with her behaviour in high school. So yes…don't stress too much. Today's chapters (yes that's an 's') will make things quite clear. **

**Please leave me a review if you are reading this so I know you exist! And on that note, I would like to thank my last chapter's reviewers Sophia, MelissaIsLame, ilovetaylorswift13, truelovealways231, EpicNinjaChica, iloveeliandclare, CheapNovelty, RimaNagi4Ever (hi friend! Glad to have you on board), Michelle-Chambers1 (thank you so much for that super sweet review!), and my rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel! **

**Cece's POV**

"All right, baby boy, have a good train trip and call me when you come back to Toronto tomorrow night, all right?" I said into the phone as I poured water into the coffeemaker and turned it on.

"I will, mom. And I'll see you and dad Friday right?" he asked, and I could just feel the worry in his voice.

"Of course, Eli. We'll both be there, we're excited to see Clare again, I promise you it will be good," I replied, trying to assure him. I planned on making sure everything would be wonderful because he needed this. He really needed this, and even if I have my share of doubts, I need to be here for him. I just have one battle left in this area…his father, and I know Eli knows – that must be the reason why he is sounding so worried.

"Thanks mom," he said, the gratefulness in his tone overwhelming the simple two words.

"No problem, now don't miss that train!" I cheerfully said before we said our good-byes and hung up.

Just then my husband walked in and placed a kiss on my forehead as he said, "Good morning, sweetheart".

"It's more like night for you, silly," I told him, seeing how he had just returned from doing the morning show; it was just after 9am.

"Don't remind me," he said, and I held out a strong cup of coffee to him, praising his perfect timing.

Things at our house were so much quieter without Eli around, regardless of the fact that he had always been a kid who liked to do his own thing. But he would often have friends over and if I ever wanted to see him before, I could just go to his room. Now everything was different. I never liked going into his room when he wasn't at home, because being surrounded by all the things he loved in there was just too overwhelming for me. I made it a rule to pretty much only go in there when he was at home - the best times of the year for me now. It had been pretty much twenty years since it was just Bullfrog and me, and I love my husband with all my heart so I cherish every minute we spend together, but I know he's aware of just how much I miss Eli. I don't even want to think about what it would have been like if he had opted to go to a university outside the province and then he would never have the option of coming home on weekends. I was really grateful that the best university in the country was right here in Toronto, or otherwise I would have been completely broken hearted that my intelligent boy would have to completely leave home. And because I missed him so, this is exactly why I wanted to make sure that we don't place any distance between ourselves and our baby boy, not after the colossal mistakes I had already made as a parent.

When he was in the hospital for that first night and I just stayed with him and watched him sleep restlessly, I swore to myself…_never again._ Which is why I am going to be supportive of his reunion with Clare. She is an amazing, intelligent and caring girl and I would love to see the two of them get married even. She was fifteen when everything happened…she had the right to walk. And most importantly, she was back now. These are the kinds of things I would tell myself whenever doubt crept into my mind, and I also believe that if things don't work out this time around, Eli is better equipped to handle it. That's what I tell myself over and over again, but deep down inside I can't help but wonder. But all I can do is stay close to him so I can see if he deviates again. He loves her, and I am going to be here for him and as he tries to figure everything out. I am not going to put my foot down and forbid that he sees her, because they could enjoy a beautiful relationship and because…I don't want to lose him. Or her, for that matter. I am just going to have to take things one step at a time, I reassured myself.

"You're doing it again, love," I heard Bullfrog slyly say.

"Doing what?" I asked.

"That thing where a million thoughts are running through your head but you're not telling me any of them," he pointed out with a smirk.

"Sorry," I said with a shy smile. I still forget sometimes how I can never get anything past my husband; he just knows me too well.

"I am just thinking about Friday night dinner," I admitted.

"Ah, that," was all he said, sipping more coffee. _Great, off to such a good start already. _

"Bullfrog." I said in a chastising tone. "You used to like her. She's a great girl; smart and passionate just like Eli," I pointed out.

"Maybe that's the problem. Maybe he's not good with someone who's going to drive him up the wall like that, no matter how intensely they are attracted to each other. We already know that leads to bad kind of intensity," he said, and I felt myself get a little angry.

"No. You're wrong. The intensity was undoubtedly in part because of that horrible break-up, and I'm not saying she went about it the right way, but that was definitely not the only thing contributing to it, and you _know that_. You sat there in that office with me as Dr. Sadler explained how the post-traumatic stress from so much in so little time led to his psychotic break. We should have had him talk to someone right after Julia's death, after that horrible night when he had a knife pulled on him…we do _not_ get to blame this all on Clare," I said.

"That's not what I'm doing, Cece. I'm not blaming it all on Clare. But I have my doubts, all right? Fire and fire only leads to more fire, and Eli's already been badly burned," he retorted.

"Enough melodramatic explanations," I told him. "You think a calmer, meeker girl would be a better for Eli?" I asked.

"Yes, I do," he stubbornly insisted.

"Then by your theory, _you_ should go find Christine Harvey and go marry her!" I yelled at him in frustration, - pulling out the big guns now - and his face dropped.

"I love _you_. I married _you_, and I wouldn't change that for the world," he replied.

"But that's what your parents told you to do, right? That intense and intense don't go well together, that intense and calm is the real match, right? And _don't _you lie to me, Bullfrog," I warned him.

"They didn't know any better, and as soon as they got to know you they realized…" he trailed off.

"Exactly," I pointed out. "Clare stood by him for so much, and she was only fifteen at the time. Fifteen! It's not fair to judge who she is now by the things she did back then. She came back after all this time. She loves him. She needs our support if they are going to try to fix things, and so does he. And I will not have my own son pushed away from me. We _will_ stand by him. That's what you promised me," I said tearfully, "you promised me it will be different this time, that we'll be here for him. I know it's a leap of faith, but we're _not_ going to leave him alone to figure it all out. Not this time. And if you won't stand by me, then you can…" I started, but he immediately came over and wrapped me in a hug, as he ran his fingers through my hair.

"I will, I will, sweetheart. You're right. I'm sorry. I promised. I'm with you," he said, much to my relief.

I pulled away from him after a few minutes and cheekily added, "See…I knew my daddy was wrong about you," as I made my way into the living room, and as I heard a dumfounded, "What?" coming from my husband I couldn't help but let out a small laugh.

**Eli's POV**

"Who were you talking to?" I heard Imogen quietly say as she took her seat opposite of me on the train and pulled out a clipboard and a pen from her purse and laid them next to her cellphone on the small table in between our seats.

"Oh, just my mom, didn't get a chance to tell her I'd be going on this trip until this morning…it was all so last minute," I replied.

Three hours on the train with Imogen…I really hoped she wouldn't do anything to embarrass herself. Once we got to Montreal, there would be two chapter co-ordinators from each chapter across Canada…so about thirty people. Imogen and I would have to go to all the sessions together because we had to apparently take back what we learn here to our own chapter, but still…these three hours, and then the train ride back, would be the only bit of time in which we'd be completely alone, I reassured myself. She kind of…gave me the feeling that she was into me, and even if she had kept her distance after I desperately slipped it into conversation that I had a girlfriend (Clare! Clare was my _girlfriend_. I would never get tired of mentally saying that to myself), I was still a little…worried. Things between me and Clare were finally good again and wasn't about to let anything screw that up.

I thought the news that I was talking to my mom and not my girlfriend would be…not so bad in her opinion, though, but when she only seemed to get sadder I realized maybe I was being a little narcissistic. Maybe she wasn't into me after all.

I tried to bump along our conversation….it was actually important the two of us got along well professionally for all the things we had to do together, so I didn't want any awkwardness.

"Did _you_ get a chance to tell your mom in between the time Harry sent us the tickets and now? It was crazy," I said, trying to stay on a neutral subject.

She brought her hands together on her lap and looked out the window. Oh man, she was tearing up.

"No," was all she said.

I immediately thought of the way Dylan and Scotty would react when someone would ask them about their mom – not meanly, just other kids who didn't know what had happened….Imogen's reaction was really similar. I think I hit a nerve, damnit.

"Sorry, Imogen. I didn't mean to upset you," I shyly said. I didn't know how to make her feel better.

She tried to hide the motion of wiping a hand across her eyes and she said, "What? You have nothing to be sorry for, Eli, don't worry about it. Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude and not answer your question. No, I didn't tell my mom or my dad…but they're really busy, I'm used to traveling a lot on my own, it doesn't matter," she replied hurriedly, leaving me a little confused now.

"Where else have you been to?" I asked her, trying to make an effort to establish a good balance after my first mistake.

"When I was little, we traveled around a lot. I ended up going to school in England and in Germany for a bit," she said.

"That's so neat," I said, trying to encourage her to feel better. "Do you speak German then?" I asked her.

"No; everyone asks me that and whenever I say no I feel like I'm disappointing them," she said with a giggle. "I lived on the armed forces base there with my parents so I went to an American school," she explained.

Uh oh. Her parents were in the military, then? Maybe they were overseas and that's why she got so sad. I decided not to ask about that.

"My parents are both trauma surgeons," she said, answering my question anyway, "and they both worked with the army then. Now they work at Toronto General," she added.

"Cool," was all I responded. I don't want to talk about hospitals.

I decided to focus our conversation a bit as I asked her, "So do you know what exactly we're actually going to be doing today and tomorrow?"

"I e-mailed Harry to ask him that, funny you should ask. He said that he invited me and you to come as sort of a bonus – apparently all the other co-ordinators who will be there were also co-ordinators last year and he thought it might be good for the two of us to just listen on what things they have done with their chapters and just take notes, and use some of those ideas back at U of T," she answered.

"Oh, good. Sounds easy enough," I said with a smirk. At least I wouldn't have to do that muck work.

Imogen flashed me a smile and said, "Yeah, maybe we'll even have some time off tomorrow evening, we can…go explore Montreal? I've never been there before," she shyly added.

Now, if I knew if she was into me or not I'd know how to answer that, I thought. It could be innocent enough; I was the only person going on this trip that she knew, and wandering around the city by herself would not be a good idea. But…it could be more than that.

"Um, I don't know if I'll make it out at night, I actually have a lot of schoolwork to get done this weekend," I said, as her face fell. I decided to take the safe road.

"Right. Me too," she said, and she opened up her clipboard and added, "I, um, actually, need to get started on some readings and I thought the train trip would be the perfect chance to do so". She wouldn't meet my gaze and she just put her iPOD ear phone in her ears and it was like she was kicking herself mentally. A few seconds later I could see that her eyes were red and teary, but she brought her clipboard up to hide her face and she seemed determined to keep it that way forever.

This was all so…awkward and made me feel slightly guilty. We were traveling together and maybe it was expected of me to say we should hang out and see the city? But I don't want to encourage her. And what am I supposed to do, tell her I'm not into her to have her reply that she never thought of me that way? That would be so awkward.

Some girls were just more naturally outgoing than others, and Imogen was outgoing if anything, I tried to tell myself as I watched her start her readings, never taking her eyes of them. Her eyes were so teary. There was something so…sad about her demeanour right now; I think there's…something wrong with her. And remembering what she had said at the chapter meeting, I couldn't help but worry a little. I'd have to be careful to not hurt her, I thought, but there is no way I'm going to do anything to encourage her either.

I leaned my head back and decided to take a nap. Clare hadn't e-mailed me her final version of her essay yet; she said it would be ready for my train ride back, and I really was exhausted….my nightmares had returned last night, which was something that was worrying me. I had the most perfect date with Clare the night before, and deep down I had hoped that that would be just the thing to have them go away once and for all, but unfortunately that did not happen. I felt my lips curl into a smile with a mind of their own when the memories of that night flooded my mind, and I reached up to twirl my piercing a little_. I love her so much and I'm not going to mess it up this time. _

**Imogen's POV**

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid_. Why would he want to hang out with me anyway? All of a sudden I remembered why I used to be the way I was in high school. Eli wasn't interested in how…_ordinary_ I was. He didn't even want to hang out a little in the evening and see Montreal with me…I was the only person he would know at this thing, we could go see the city not even as friends, but just as co-workers. But no. Not with my boring, ordinary self. I could feel the surge of a plot forming in my mind…maybe if I told him that…No. I need to stop it. I am done doing that.

I hope Eli didn't notice my tears before he fell asleep. I attempted to hide behind my readings, but I didn't like this particular chapter…it talked about post-traumatic stress and I had seen that in so many soldiers that my mom and dad treated when they worked with the army when I was young that it brought back some unpleasant memories. I just put my clipboard down and let the readings fall onto the table - now that Eli was sleeping I didn't feel the need to hide my face anymore, so I just leaned back in my seat a little and changed the song on my iPOD to a slower one as I studied the really attractive sleeping guy in front of me. He was wearing black slacks and a white dress shirt with rolled up sleeves, making his black hair really prominent. But my favourite feature about Eli was definitely his green eyes. They were so striking, and they shone with spirit and intelligence.

He did mention a girlfriend this one time…but girlfriends were temporary at our age. Maybe it wasn't a completely sealed deal…maybe someone could like _me_ too. Was that such a crazy thought? Eli and I were the two chapter co-ordinators, we were both U of T students in the same year…we could make this work. I'd probably have to get more information on this girlfriend first, but…that shouldn't be too hard.

I spent the next two and a half hours just going in and out of sleep and glancing out the window at the orange and yellow trees that really made the landscape look like your typical Eastern Canada postcard. I then pulled out my earphones out of my ears as I was getting a little tired of listening to music. The minute I did that, I noticed something that alarmed me. I had occasionally glanced at Eli over the past two and half hours, and at some point he had put his head down on the table in order to sleep better, I guess, so I could no longer see his face, but it must have been the peaceful one I had imagined because I could now hear that he was….whimpering? As I studied him further I also noticed his body would be overcome by a tremor now and then, one that didn't correspond to the occasional sudden movements of the train. And now that my headphones were off, I could hear him muttering some jumbled things…what was he saying? _Don't leave me? You can't leave me?_ _Did you ever really love me? _

_Whoa_. I knew enough about this from the time my parents spent with the armed forces to tell that this wasn't just some nightmare. Eli suffered with the exact kind of sleep as those soldiers…what had happened to him? Who left him and never loved him? I tried waiting a few minutes to see if he would wake up on his own, but when his tremors only got more pronounced and more frequent and his whimpers were loud enough to probably also produce tears, I knew I had to wake him up. And I knew I had to do this gently, I'd watched some of the doctors on the army base do it and it often left their patients really distraught and they needed a minute or two to calm their breathing and get their bearings. Sometimes they'd cry a lot after as well. I prepared myself to help Eli through that if it did happen.

I moved over to the seat beside his and gently placed one arm around his back and the other on his arm.

"Eli, Eli, wake up, it's just a nightmare," I whispered, but that didn't do anything.

I tried again, raising my voice, "Eli, Eli, you're all right, you're okay, it's just a bad dream," and I shook him a little and this time he quickly raised his head off the table and opened his eyes. He flinched away from my touch immediately and there was such a pronounced red tint on his cheeks as he studied my face.

I needed to let him know that he shouldn't be so embarrassed, that I had seen this a lot of times before.

"You all right?" I started.

"I'm fine, I'm okay, everything's gonna be okay," he mumbled, and upon seeing that desperate self-assurance, I knew I had been right. This hadn't been just a onetime occurrence. Something had happened to Eli - something that was still haunting him.

"You're right, it'll be fine, it's over now," I told him with a small smile, trying to imitate the doctors I had seen do this before.

His eyes finally focused on mine and his blush only got more pronounced as he backed away further from me and said, "Sorry, Imogen. Um, guess I had a nightmare or something. Thanks for waking me up," and I could almost physically feel him put up a wall behind us. But I knew this was normal in this kind of a case.

"Eli…you don't have to be embarrassed, I've…seen that before…in Germany," I tried to hint to him.

His face turned completely pale and then I noticed him staring at my readings that were spread out on the small table. Great. He could clearly see the title, _PTSD: Diagnosis and Treatments_, and he got up immediately and said, "No, it's not like that. I'm not a soldier," he said with a strong determination, "I'm really sorry I scared you," he added.

"Eli, please…I'm the daughter of t_rauma _surgeons…you think _that's_ going to scare _me_?" I said with a light laugh. Really, though, this was nothing compared to my mom and dad's surgeries and some of their patients.

He flashed me a shy but grateful smirk but I could tell he just wanted to go crawl into a hole and I didn't know how to pull him out of this state of mind.

His hands were shaking a bit and he said, "I'm going to go to the washroom, I'll be right back," and I flashed him a small smile in return.

I guess there is more to Eli than I first suspected.

**Eli's POV**

_Ugh, I can't believe that just happened_, I thought as I washed my face and tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes. For two and half years, no one besides my parents and Dr. Sadler has found out about my nightmares. Not even Adam or Clare. I forgot to tell her when we discussed everything – I would have told her if it had come up, but then in retrospect I thought that it's maybe that she doesn't know…I know she's already plagued with guilt over what happened and she doesn't need any more.

And now…out of all people, _Imogen_ knows. But she doesn't know any of my close friends, so who might she tell? When I signed on for this chapter co-ordinator thing, one of the major hurdles to overcome was the fact that it included overnight trips to different cities…but with the regional meeting being in Toronto this year, I just planned on going back to rez and not staying at the hotel with everyone else. I was probably the only one out of everyone really glad we weren't traveling anywhere. And when Harry sent me and Imogen that email asking us to come along to Montreal, I looked at the logistics and saw that when the meetings were only for chapter co-ordinators, the Foundation booked us each into our own room – there were only 30 co-ordinators across the entire country, whereas we would have 60 people only from Ontario at our regional meeting. So that wasn't a problem, and I was able to come. It was so stupid of me to decide to try to sleep in the first place. But I thought two hours wouldn't be enough time for the nightmares to surface, and I already had them last night…they've never happened two nights in a row before. That thought made me panic a little…things are getting better, so much better, for me now – not worse, so why aren't these damn nightmares following that pattern?

And the really scary thing is that I think Imogen has caught on to the fact that…I had other issues. She could tell from her parents' trauma work, I think. I don't want to share this with her, and I hope she doesn't push. She should understand I don't want to talk about it, shouldn't she? She had all those problems in high school like she touched upon at our first chapter meeting.

When I got back to my seat, I was relieved to see she put that horrible reading she had away, and she just gave me a small smile and asked if we could go over the schedule that the two had outlined for the Ontario regional meeting. That was a good plan, because we wanted to be prepared when we saw Harry, and we also had a two-hour block that we hadn't yet filled with any activity, and we hoped we could get an idea from the other, more experienced chapter co-ordinators that would be in Montreal. I was glad to see that she was acting like nothing had happened…because that's exactly how I wanted it to be.

She went to the washroom herself, saying she wanted to freshen up before we got into the station, and when she was gone I noticed her phone buzz, so when she returned I told her to check it. Her face lit up when she heard that – did she have a guy she was waiting to text her? I sure hope so. However, her face quickly fell and she told me nonchalantly that it was just an e-mail from her work, and I saw her turn to the phone number labeled 'Mom' in her address book, but she never did dial it.

When we got off the train, she was having trouble carrying her purse, clipboard and her small carry-on style suitcase all at the same time so I just grabbed it for her and she thanked me in return. She was a pretty tiny girl, and that was one big bag.

I was still a little exhausted, and when I saw a Starbucks I asked her if she minded if we stopped by and she said she had actually wanted to ask me the same thing. I ordered just a medium plain coffee and asked her what she wanted. She insisted I didn't have to get her anything as she pulled out a gold credit card to pay for herself, but I figured it was the nice thing to do, especially since she took care to wake me and she tried to soothe me after everything, too. Besides, if I was buying a coffee for myself I wasn't about to ignore the girl I worked with. Eventually she let me pay with a bit of an embarrassed smile and then we stepped outside and had a bit of a shock.

Toronto was cold at this time of the year, of course, but it was nothing compared to Montreal. Clare would have turned into a frozen statute in just a few steps, I thought with a smile and I instantly felt a little sad that she wasn't here. _She should be here_. I knew she had plans to hang out with Adam and Lana tonight so I pulled out my phone and sent him a quick message saying, "Take care of my girl tonight". He replied with some snotty remark, but I knew he would. I looked up – was Imogen just reading my text? That's not cool. She looked away quickly.

We hopped into a cab and I noticed Imogen chose to speak French to the driver as she gave him the information of the hotel Harry had e-mailed to us – all cab drivers and people in general spoke English in Montreal and they actually would get a little rude if us English folk attempted to butcher their beautiful language, and they'd usually short back an annoyed 'We speak English here, Sir,' – but Imogen's French was quite good. She had a clean European accent, not the strange Quebecois thing that I didn't like. I assumed she must have learned her French when she was over in Europe, and the cab driver immediately responded pleasantly to her – a rare feat in Montreal when you speak French to them. I flashed her an impressed smirk, which seemed to thrill her to no end. _Uh oh_. She might be into me after all?

Once we got to the hotel we were warmly greeted by Harry.

"My two newest co-ords are here!" he said excitedly, as he gave us each the key to our rooms and explained that all of our sessions would take place in the conference room right here at the hotel, which apparently was the entire thirtieth floor. We got a chance to go to our rooms for a bit, and I was happy to see that the rooms were _really _nice. But what thrilled me more was to see a text message from Clare – I wanted to text her but I was a little afraid of coming on too strong, so I was delighted to see that she was thinking about me too. Her message read_, 'I miss you! Hope the train ride was good and I'm counting down the hours until you get back,' _and I just about melted as I read it. I wouldn't dare type that I'm counting the hours until I see her, so I was glad she did. The fact that I couldn't really say those things to her bothered me a great deal, actually. Wasn't it a boyfriend's prerogative to miss his girl? To count the hours until he'd see her again? To look forward to seeing her again? I couldn't, though, because I don't want to be ever be called _suffocating_ again. Out of everything she's ever called me, _suffocating_ might even be worse than _heartless monster_.

I put those thoughts away and replied, _'I miss you too, love. It's so cold here! I just have to last one day really, though. Can't wait to see you Wednesday'_. Clare and I would always spend Wednesday afternoons together now, as we both had a four hour break. Lately we'd been going to the library because midterms were coming up, but once those were over I hoped we could go back to also watching a movie or just relaxing at me and Adam's place every now and then.

I met up with Imogen at the elevator – our rooms were right next to each other and we headed upstairs where we met all the other chapter co-ordinators and Harry introduced the two of us to everyone, saying we were the U of T co-ords here to observe and he asked them all to take some time and tell us about the best things they had run at their own chapters. We headed off to different sessions and workshops, and I enjoyed the feeling of being busy. Imogen and I took notes and I was grateful that she had a very strong work ethic. Before we headed off for the night, Harry took some time to talk to just the both of us and we showed him our plan for our own Ontario regional. Up until now, our e-mails to him concerned all logistical details - transportation for everyone and equipment that workshop presenters had asked for. He kept telling us that students knew the content best and he didn't need to see that until very close to the conference, and he assured us he wouldn't even be making any changes even then.

This turned out to be true, as he was pleased with what we had put together and told us not to panic, that we had done a fine job, and he would come to Toronto a day early and meet with us at the hotel, as Imogen and I had to be there a day early to get everything early, and we probably would have to stay a bit behind after the end of everything…which made me a little sad because it meant I couldn't drive Clare there and back. I didn't like leaving my girl to fend for herself. And lately she had taken to doing this really cute, slightly mischievous thing when I would drive her places…she'd give me tiny kisses on my cheek, or on my piercing, or even on my lips whenever we'd hit a red light...which had the power to make red lights my new favorite sight, and I _really_ hated those before. It always left me all flustered, which is why I know she enjoyed it so much. Just wait until I start giving her driving lessons again – something I plan on doing right after the madness of midterms and the regional meeting is over. Although doing that to the same to her in return was probably not a wise idea…considering how much more flustered I always left her than she did me, I didn't want her to get hurt if she didn't pay attention as she drove.

After we finished meeting with Harry, we were dismissed and little groups started to form as people were talking about heading out to St. Catherine's Street, or to the pubs, and so on. I thought Imogen should join one of those groups just as easily…everyone was really friendly and I don't think it would be weird at all.

However, when I took the elevator to my room I saw her walking down the hallway and she asked me to hold the doors open.

She entered and pressed the button to our floor, and she asked me,

"Are you going out with any of those guys?"

"I really should get started on that work," I told her, "and that letter to the hotel Harry mentioned," I threw in.

"Oh, I'll help you with that," she said, "Meet you in your room in ten?" and I didn't really like this, but I figured I'd just write the letter in the next ten minutes, then she could just read it over, leave and that would be that.

Also, I _did_ kind of want to go out for a bit, not to go drinking or sightseeing…I wanted to pick up something for Clare from Montreal and I knew I wouldn't have any time to do that tomorrow. I felt like a jerk because I was trying to hide the fact that I did want to head out from Imogen, but it's like…the girl just practically invited herself to my room…I think I might have been right with my first instinct there after all.

"Um, all right," was all I said in response, then quickly added, "We can do that quickly and then I can buckle down and start my school work," hoping she'd take the hint. She just smiled in return and didn't say anything.

**Imogen's POV**

Eli is a bit of a shy guy, but I don't think it will take much convincing. Especially…if that girl he is dating is going to leave him. I'm pretty sure that's what that nightmare was about…maybe he just needs a little push in the right direction. He's such an attractive, smart, and nice guy…he even carried my bag and bought me coffee earlier. So sweet. I excitedly ran to my room and changed out of my knee-length dress skirt and blouse into something a bit more stylish. I chose a shorter black leather skirt that had a slit on the side of one leg that I really liked, and I put on black pantyhose and a pink blouse, leaving the first few buttons of it undone and slipping a gold necklace under it. I wasn't going to throw myself at him in his room or anything, but I want to look nice because I want to convince him that we should go out for a bit, and I want to look appropriate for when we do that.

**I hate cliffhangers! This is why I am doing a double update…you have been through enough tension with this story, lovely readers. Please let me know your thoughts in a review!**


	24. Shadows and Saviors

**Hi lovely readers!**

**Here we have part 2…didn't want to leave you hanging there!**

**Please leave me a review if you are reading this so I know you exist! And on that note, I would like to thank my last chapter's reviewers Sophia, MelissaIsLame, ilovetaylorswift13, truelovealways231, EpicNinjaChica, iloveeliandclare, CheapNovelty, RimaNagi4Ever (hi friend! Glad to have you on board), Michelle-Chambers1 (thank you so much for that super sweet review!), and my rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any other real world references that I happen to make. The long section in italics in this chapter is all things that the speaker has actually said in real life. The story of those two individuals is real life EClare and it's wonderful. **

**Eli's POV**

Once I got to my room I started writing that letter to the hotel and was about halfway through when I heard a knock on my door, and opened it up and just I had expected, Imogen was on the other side. What I didn't expect, however, was…that outfit. She was dressed so professionally before, but now she had on a short leather skirt and a hot pink top…um…did she change just for hanging out in my room? This could be bad.

"Hey," she shyly said. "I thought I might go out after, so I changed," she said, and I almost heard myself exhale deeply. At least she didn't change just to see me.

"Okay, so it's about halfway done," I told her, getting right on the subject we needed to be on, and we spent the next twenty minutes finalizing everything and now…I just wanted her to go.

"Awesome, well, thanks for helping me, Imogen," I said, pulling out my school clipboard and the novel I needed to write about, hoping she'd take a hint.

"Eli…are you sure you don't want to go out and see the town a bit? It's so early," she pushed.

"No, I can't, I have to do this," I insisted, gesturing towards my notes and novel.

"Oh all right," she said, and her face fell. I felt bad, but really…I wasn't going to do that. It would be the wrong signal to send.

She continued, "Okay, well can you tell me which way I should go then since you've been in this city before? What a good spot is?" she said, and my eyes widened. _Hell no._ She isn't thinking of going out in a town she doesn't know, alone and dressed like that, is she?

"Um, are you going to go…by yourself?" I asked, hoping she would understand that was the worst idea ever.

"Well, yeah. I'm here and I don't want to miss this chance, and it's not like anyone will go with me. " she answered me, shrugging her shoulders.

"Imogen, that's _not_ a good idea. Montreal's nightlife is really different than Toronto's, believe me," I told her, which was completely true. "It's a lot rowdier, the drinking age here is even lower, and you won't even know the streets," I pointed out.

"I can handle myself, thank you very much, Eli. Exploring cities on my own is something I've been doing all my life. I'll bring a map," she said. Her parents let her do stuff like this on her own? At night? Dressed like that? I highly doubted that.

"Waving a map around is the last thing you want to do, trust me. Don't go, please," I pleaded. If she left…and something happened and I didn't stop her…I'm the last person she's going to see before she leaves, it's my job to stop this from happening.

"Why do _you_ care anyway?" she shot back, and I knew the more I'd be pushing her, the faster she'd head out to streets that at this hour were crawling with creeps who would love to take advantage of a young, pretty girl wearing a short skirt who didn't even know anything about where she was. Everything about her situation made her the perfect prey, and those creeps would pick her out in a second.

I sighed, knowing I only had one option. Well, at least I could get Clare that present now. Stores in Montreal stayed open until midnight.

"Will you just wait for me to get my stuff and then we can at least go together?" I asked her, and her face immediately lit up as she nodded.

I grabbed my wallet, my phone and my jacket and as we left the hotel, I wanted to make everything perfectly clear so I told her I wanted to stop by a store so I could get a present for my girlfriend, and I saw her look down at the ground as I said that. _Damn it_. I'm pretty sure that she _is _into me.

"What would you like to see?" I asked her. I didn't know Montreal super well, but I knew the top touristy stuff, which is probably what she wanted to see anyway.

"I don't care, let's go wherever," she said.

"Okay, let's go to Old Montreal then. It's the prettiest place to see in this city," I told her, and we started walking in that direction.

Once we got there, she was impressed with all the old architecture and she took many pictures of it. She tried to get a picture of the two of us, but I told her I don't like taking pictures, and even if it may have been a bit mean…the last thing I wanted was for Clare to see a bunch of photos on Facerange of Imogen and me together chilling at night in Old Montreal. She was uploading each photo to Facerange right from her phone and when I offered to take a couple for her so she could actually be in them, she happily agreed.

I was glad that I at least found something nice for Clare in a small but fancy souvenir shop.

Just as I suggested that we should start heading back, Imogen asked if we could go grab a beer at this bar in a historic-looking building. _Um, hell no_, was the immediate thought that ran through my mind.

"We should get back now, and we're technically working, I don't want to drink," I told her.

"Oh okay, well then, see you tomorrow morning," she said.

I couldn't believe this girl. I looked inside the bar, and sure enough it had both guys and girls, but…there were some creepy looking dudes in there, and I could practically see them ogling her in her short skirt from where we were standing, and we weren't even inside the bar, damn it. I can't let a girl walk into that kind of a situation alone, so I just sighed and gave in.

There was no way I was going to drink alcohol tonight though, so I just drank a Coke as Imogen ordered some pretty strong mixed drinks…having three in total before I decided it was time for me to draw the line on this insanity.

"Okaaaay, and we're off," I told her, gently grabbing her arm so as to have no time for objections.

She seemed to be walking fine on her own, but after a while she hung onto my arm and I could tell she was definitely a bit buzzed so I just let it slide. Then just as we were waiting for the light to change so we could cross the street, she stepped in front of me, placing her hand around my back and running it up and down my spine for a second before she leaned in and tried to kiss me.

I moved out of the way immediately, a little in shock, and I tried not to be too harsh with her because I knew she was fragile, not to mention definitely buzzed, but I told her, "Imogen, it's not…like that. I have a girlfriend and I love her," I reminded her.

"Why don't you like me?" she screamed as she burst into tears.

"It has nothing to do with you," I tried to tell her.

"But _why_ don't you like me?" she repeated as tears ran down her face. Ugh, I really hoped she wouldn't remember this in the morning.

"Imogen…" I trailed off.

"You don't like me. _Why_? Just tell me _why_!" she pleaded, raising her voice even more, and running her fingers through her hair in frustration.

This was bad. This was really bad. What if she decided to run away from me right now? There's no way she'd end up back at the hotel on her own.

"Can we talk once we get back to the hotel?" I asked her, gently taking her arm again. I really didn't want her to run away from me. What the hell was the number for the police in Montreal? Just in case she decided to head off into the night on her own, I'd like to know it.

Tears kept streaming down her face, but much to my relief she nodded. We got there in about ten minutes and I decided to take her to her room, to make sure she'd be safe once and for all.

Once we got there, she checked her phone but threw it to the side quickly as she let out a painful sob.

"Go away, Eli. Right now. Go away. Leave. Get out," and my heart froze as she repeated the exact same words Julia had last spoken to me…probably the last words she ever spoke. I couldn't leave Imogen like this, not now. I needed to talk to her.

"Imogen…please don't be upset. This is nothing to be upset over," I told her.

"How would _you_ know? Why do you even care? You made it perfectly clear how you feel about me…I'm such an idiot," she muttered.

"Just because I am not interested in you in that way doesn't mean I don't care about you as a friend," I pointed out.

"_Why _don't you like me?" she whined. "Please, just tell me that," she pleaded. What was going on here, what was her obsession with knowing that?

"I…love my girlfriend, Clare. She's not just a random college girlfriend, Imogen…I want to marry her someday," I admitted.

Imogen looked up at me with sad eyes and sighed.

"So, she's…_special_, right? Clare is _special_?" she repeated.

"_Very_ special," I softly replied, and something about that word seemed to strike a chord with her as she slowly nodded and instantly looked deeply regretful of everything.

"I'm sorry, Eli. I…can't believe I embarrassed myself like this. My parents would kill me if they knew I practically threw myself at a guy after having too many drinks," she said.

"They'd understand," was my natural response. This seemed like completely the wrong thing to say though, because she covered her eyes with her hands and sobbed wildly.

"No, they wouldn't," she finally choked out and I had no idea what to do now.

Clare I knew how to comfort; it was like an instinct took over in me every time I saw her crying, even all those times when I really should have kept my hands off of her because we weren't dating. But like Imogen said, Clare was special. I couldn't comfort anyone else the way I comforted Clare.

"Well then, who says they need to know?" I said, pointing out the obvious solution.

Then I realized how she might be feeling in this moment and I added, "Who says..._anyone _has to know what happened? Me and you are the only ones who know, and if we don't tell anyone, it's just ancient history. It'll be like…it never happened," I tried to tell her, hoping this is what she needed to hear right now. I would definitely be telling Clare, though, because I didn't want any more secrets or surprises between us. But Imogen didn't need to know that, not now.

Imogen removed her hands from her eyes and shyly looked at me as she said, "Really?" and I eagerly nodded in response, saying, "We all make mistakes, but this one doesn't have to leave this room." What did she think I was going to do, shout it from the roof tops just to humiliate her?

"Thank you, Eli," she softly said.

"No problem. Now, get to bed, we have a lot of work ahead of us tomorrow," I said in a playful tone, pretending to chastise her and she held out her hand and I shook it in response as she said, "Deal, partner," with a mock professional tone.

When I finally left her room and plopped down on the bed in my own, I couldn't help but feel a big sense of relief over the fact that the whole thing didn't end disastrously. Imogen was safe in her room and I think she finally understood things now.

**Imogen's POV**

I thought that being rejected like that by Eli would be devastating, but it was actually surprisingly…mediocre. It still hurts like hell, but I get it. When Eli says Clare is special, he really means it. She really _is_ special to him, not Steven's kind of special. So I hope that he's just as nice about everything tomorrow morning as he was tonight, because I like that I'm in charge of running the chapter with such a nice guy, and I don't want there to be any awkwardness between us. And for now…I guess I'm back to being alone. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no such luck.

**Eli's POV**

I decided to log onto FaceRange for a bit so I could calm my nerves after that little incident. Neither Clare nor Adam were on, but I knew that was because they were hanging out together tonight, but I did have a message from Daniel about when the American Lit article assignment was due. I responded, having memorized that date, and right as I did so I saw a chat window from him pop up and we started a little exchange.

_Dude! How's Montreal! _

_ It's good, train trip was exhausting though. Doing work mostly but headed out to Old Montreal for a bit,_ I told him, not wanting to go into the details of the exact circumstances of that trip for very good reasons.

_Sweet, Old Montreal is fun! Got any pictures?_

_The girl I work with took a couple_, I told him, sending him a link that opened up one of the photos I actually took that had Imogen in it.

_THAT'S the girl you work with? She's gorgeous! _Daniel replied, obviously after looking at the photo, and I couldn't help but feel a smirk spread across my face. _Yes_. Oh my God, yes. This could work. Daniel's a nice guy, and it is so time for him to find someone new. He is just as crazy energetic as Imogen, too, so these guys would have a lot of fun together.

_Her name is Imogen, man. She's single. And she's really energetic and fun. I could see the two of you hanging out_, I said getting right to the point.

_Dude, what else do you know about her? _

_ She's from Toronto, second year Psychology major, parents are both surgeons, she lived in England and Germany for a while as a kid, and she's a really hard worker_, I enumerated, hoping these facts would be to Daniel's satisfaction.

_Think she'd be up for letting me take her on a date?_

_Never hurt anyone to try_, I pointed out, not wanting to get his hopes up. Imogen was pretty unpredictable after all. But Daniel would treat her right, and judging on all that stuff she was asking me, it sounds like she could use a nice guy who she could have fun with and who would treat her right and make her feel good about herself.

_Eli, dude, if you hook that up, I'd be forever grateful. _

_ I'll do my best,_ I promised him, before we logged off, feeling just a little weird about the fact that this set-up was just arranged on Facerange…all from the fact that I sent Daniel her photo. But he wasn't a creep, he was a good guy…and I really hoped the two of them would hit it off.

**Imogen's POV**

After the alarm clock on my cell phone woke me up, I put on my black dress pants and a light pink blouse and threw on a black blazer on top after. I grabbed the name tag I was given yesterday and put it around my neck and took my clipboard and a pen with me as I headed out the door. Please, God, don't let things be super awkward with Eli. I remember everything, down to our handshake, and I am so deeply embarrassed by my little episode.

Just as I swung the door open I saw Eli walking down the hallway carrying two cups of coffee with the Starbucks logo on them. I felt my cheeks blush just at the sight of him…please, please, don't let this be horrible.

"Hey," he said, flashing me a small smirk, "Did you have a good night?" he asked, and the symbolic pause he inserted told me everything I needed to know. My heart swelled at how he was literally erasing that night out of his memory, and I don't think I've ever been more grateful for anything in my entire life.

"I did. You?" I shyly asked.

"Yeah, quiet night," he said with a warm smile and I just knew. I knew we'd be okay and we could work together and I knew Eli was a nice guy who I could trust to be a good friend.

"Vanilla latte, right?" he said, holding out one of the cups to me as I nodded and told him I owe him two coffees now, a piece of information at which he shrugged his shoulders.

Eli walked a bit slower as we were both headed for the conference room and he started speaking again.

"So, funny thing happened last night," and I froze. Please, Eli, don't make me regret the opinion I have of you. I think he saw my worry as he gave me a warm reassuring look and whispered, "No," as he shook his head.

He continued, "I was talking to my friend Daniel, and when he found out I was in Old Montreal he wanted a photo. I'm sorry I did this without asking you and I hope you'll forgive me, but I sent him that one of you in front of the cathedral…and basically, Daniel kept asking me about you for the rest of the conversation that was supposed to be about how _I_ was doing," he said with a laugh.

My face went from one of surprise to slight embarrassment.

"Really?" was all I managed to get out, and I could feel a small blush creep up on my cheeks.

"Really. He's a nice guy, really trustworthy…any chance you'd make his dream come true and give him a chance…just one coffee date?" he asked with a smirk on his face. He does that a lot, I concluded.

"Depends," I answered. "What's he like?"

"Second year English Lit major just like me. He's from Ottawa and when I worked there last summer he was so considerate, always showed me around and made sure I felt comfortable and entertained," he said, and I liked to hear about the attention that his friend gave him. That's what friends should do. Eli added, "he's a good guy, Imogen, he knows how to treat a girl right. He had a pretty bad last relationship, he was head over heels for this girl who ended up cheating on him," he said, and I instantly felt bad for Daniel because that sounded just like my relationship with Steven.

There was just one more thing I needed to know before giving Eli my approval, so I shyly asked, "Any chance he's looking to be a surgeon anytime soon?" and I saw Eli's face turn to one of slight confusion.

"Not in this lifetime," he said, "he's very set on going to law school and being a lawyer," he said, and I gave him a big smile in return.

"I want to meet him," I blurted, and Eli's smirk turned larger as he told me that Daniel would be over the moon to hear that and that he would set things up when we got back to Toronto.

**Clare's POV**

"He won't be gone forever…aren't you seeing him Wednesday?" Adam reassuringly told me when he caught me staring at the loving way in which he and Lana intertwined their hands as they sat on the couch next to each other. I was sitting on the other small couch and Adam's instinct had been right; I was missing the other person who usually shared this couch with me.

"I know," I sadly sighed and flashed Adam a warm smile because I honestly didn't want him to feel like I wasn't enjoying my time with him and Lana, because I loved hanging out with the two of them. Lana had made Adam so much happier since they became a couple and their love was a beautiful thing to witness.

Lana also gave me a small smile and she got up to grab some popcorn and called out, "Ten more minutes and that TV is _mine_". She squeaked out "Keith Urban is doing an interview on _The Rebecca Show_ and apparently he finally 'opens up' on it and there's no way I'm missing that!" Adam rolled his eyes at her playfully and I assured her she'd definitely get to see her interview. I only really knew of Keith Urban as Nicole Kidman's husband and I knew he was a country singer, but Lana knew his entire life story, except for a mysterious time period where he stopped singing and apparently he'd finally be talking about that today, so this was a bit of a monumental day for her.

She spent the next ten minutes being totally nervous and she kept saying she hoped he doesn't reveal something that will make her stop liking him. This caused Adam to say that that would be impossible, with a hint of jealousy in his voice that I'm sure Lana picked up on, as she leaned in and kissed him sweetly, leaving Adam grinning and Lana totally forgiven. And me missing Eli.

When the show finally came on, Adam and I grabbed some popcorn and instinctively knew we had to be quiet. I wondered if maybe Nicole Kidman was coming too, that might keep me interested a bit more. The credits stopped rolling and Lana let out another squeal of excitement as soon as clips of Keith Urban's different music videos began rolling on the screen and Rebecca, the host said:

_Raised in Queensland, Australia, Keith had a song in his heart since the age of six when he picked up his first guitar. He fell in love with country music and the world fell in love with him; he's snagged every award country music has to offer. His latest CD, Get Closer, is a musical love letter to the woman he adores, Nicole Kidman. His undeniable talent, good old country charm and rugged good looks have made him a superstar. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome…Keith Urban!_

Lana let out another squeal of excitement as he came out on set and I now remembered him perfectly from some magazines I had read where he was at movie premieres with Nicole. He was good-looking for sure, but very shy as he made his way to the couch. When I pointed out his shyness, Lana said he's always like this in interviews.

_Welcome! You know, Keith, I didn't know I was such a big fan until I listened to that CD Get Closer, that is really something! No kidding, it's a love letter, I can feel your heart in every song, it's beautiful, _the host told him.

_ Thank you, thank you. It was a joy making that record, it truly was. I think the most enjoyable record I've ever made,_ he said with a smile that lit up his entire face. He had a slight Aussie accent just like I knew Nicole Kidman did, but it was not overpowering at all.

_Why, why do you think, because you're in a good space? _The host gently asked, obviously trying to get to whatever Lana and everybody else watching this wanted to hear about.

_ Yeah, everything…just lined up, absolutely_.

_ As we know, when things line up, we have to…help them line. So what happened for you that made things line up the way they are now, that you're in this spot?_ Rebecca asked, and he obviously got a little more uncomfortable as he swallowed deeply and looked down.

_Well, I…I got faced with a decision, um, a specific one, about six years ago, when my life had gotten to a complete unmanageability. And I had to make a decision, which road I was going to take, once and for all. I couldn't stand to think about how my life used to be, and how without a single warning, it all slipped away from me. And…like a fool I thought that I could fight…the shadows on my own…you see, I was no stranger to the dark, but this time…it was stronger than anything I had ever known. By the time I knew I was in too deep I had gone too far. _

He was speaking slowly and rubbing his neck with his hand, but at the same time there was something in his demeanour that screamed complete honesty and vulnerability. The things he was saying began to send chills down my spine. I knew his situation was different, but still…the parallels were undeniable. He continued…

_People say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, and I had done that repeatedly, again and again, and I got to that crossroads where I said…if I don't surrender, I know where this is headed. _

My heart froze at this point and I felt the color rush out of my face. What had happened to him? Whatever it was, it was so eerily similar to what Eli had told me that day in the Japanese garden about being scared of heading for depression and how that fear was ultimately what had made him embrace Dr. Sadler's help.

"Lana, maybe we should change the channel," Adam softly said, and I knew he was thinking the same things I was and had said that for my sake.

"Are you kidding me?" Lana asked incredulously.

"No, Adam, it's okay…I want to hear what he has to say," I told him honestly. I know Keith Urban isn't Eli, and I understood Eli perfectly when he had explained himself to me, but…I wanted to hear this as well.

"Shh," I told everyone and they listened to me as Keith began speaking again.

_…I thought to myself, 'I don't know where I go if I surrender, so maybe if I really am courageous and adventurous, let's take the road less traveled this time. Before I got help, I believed that people swore they'd stand beside you; they swear they'll never leave, but when…the rain started falling, it only fell on me. It was hard to keep believing in myself when all I felt was so much pain and guilt and shame that I couldn't even…ask for help. _

I felt my eyes stinging with tears. I wondered if that is how Eli felt…and I _just knew_ it was. Something about the pure honesty and exposure on Keith Urban's face reminded me of Eli's look of vulnerability as he was telling me about his dark times.

After slowly nodding, the host said, _For those of you who don't know, a few months after he got married to Nicole, Keith checked into rehab for substance abuse. What was the substance?_

_ Everything – alcohol, cocaine predominantly, but it doesn't matter what it was, it was a huge hole in my life that was going to be filled eventually by the right thing, or it was always going to be filled by the wrong thing. _

Oh, so he went into rehab for that. But…my God, I felt like Keith Urban was giving me a really poetic and personal explanation of what Eli was feeling in those times…when I left him alone. Lana was squeezing Adam's hand tighter and an eerie silence engulfed the common room as all eyes were on the TV.

_ And did you figure out what needed to be filled for you? _Rebecca asked him.

_ Ultimately, for me it was…love. That's what it was for me; what I was missing in my life; love for myself. Nic has taught me so much and brought so much into my life and opened my eyes in so many ways. _

_ Nic….love that, _Rebecca pointed out, and the audience laughed in response at the nickname. _And I want to say – you've been clean for six years now? _

_ Yes,_ he modestly said, but the pride and joy he felt was so transparent.

_ Was there a particular incident that forced you to look at yourself and say 'I'm gonna go get treatment'? _

_ I just…went off the rails. I think I hadn't been…fully able to concede to my innermost self… that I needed help and I needed a new direction in my life, and I cannot do this anymore. _

I could not believe the parallels. All I could think about was how I didn't want him in stupid Montreal anymore. I wanted him right here with me.

_ And I've heard you say, or I have read that you have said that Nicole saved you. _

_ Absolutely, _he responded, without a moment of hesitation and with absolute conviction. I nervously wondered if she…stayed with him as he went to rehab. The TV behind Rebecca flashed photos of them at different movie premiers, country award shows, and a few tennis and soccer matches at which they were in the audience.

If I thought he looked a bit shy previously, now he was downright blushing and the same look of guilt and embarrassment that I had seen across Eli's face so many times was reflected on Keith Urban's right now. He slowly continued…_Well that's the point right there…that she really should have…just walked. I mean…not should have, that's not the right word, but I…I…_

_ …would have understood if she had? _Rebecca supplied, and I thought my heart would stop beating any second.

_ Of course_, he said, with such sincerity in his eyes as he brought his shoulders forward in a defensive gesture. He took a deep breath and continued, _ I'm just so glad she didn't, _he said, and he exhaled intensely and intense relief seemed to overtake his entire body. You could almost _feel _the gratefulness in every pore of his body.

I think Adam must have noticed the tears in my eyes because he grabbed the remote and said,

"Lana, we're changing…right now," but I stopped him, saying, "No, Adam, _I_ want to hear what he say to say. Please," I pleaded, and he hesitatingly obeyed me. I could tell Lana was super confused about everything that was going on.

Keith slowly continued, _And she made a decision to turn around and initiate ultimately, this intervention for me…and it was done in such a way…the love in that room in that moment was just right, and I was just fully…like, put the cuffs on…let's go. It was Nic and a close group of people in Nashville very close to me. _

_ Did you know that was what was happening when you walked into that room? _Rebecca asked him.

_ I did…the moment I saw Nic...and…like…you can't do this for somebody, like I couldn't do this…just for her, but to see…love in action, to that degree at that time, in that way…I had never experienced anything like that and all the rest of it is very, very personal, and it's very hard to talk about, but it just had a profound meaning…all of it. I think Nicole for my heart and for her love, and I thank God for grace and mercy and…for the fact that she became my wife. _

The program went to a commercial break and when they returned, Keith began talking about the two daughters him and Nicole had had since then, and his eyes were sparkling with joy and pride the entire time. I saw Adam place his arms around Lana and by this time I had wiped my tears away.

I decided that it was finally time to tell Lana everything…I knew Eli and Adam had given her tiny glimpses of what had happened, but it was also obvious that she did not know the entire story, and she deserved to. So I told her that, and asked her if she would like to know. When she confirmed, the warmth in her eyes told me that this was the right decision on my part and she handled everything so gracefully.

"We should have changed the damn channel!" she said at the end of our discussion.

"No, that's just it…I know their situations were different, but when he talked about those shadows…I just wanted to hear someone else who had felt a similar way to how Eli had felt, you know?" I told them, and they both nodded in understanding.

"Except…Nicole stood by him…she s_aved_ him, not abandoned him," I said, my voice breaking.

"Clare…" Adam softly said, "Eli…that's the same word he always used to describe your relationship…all along. From when things started to get tense…to the entire time that you were apart for, you know. At first it was really hard for him to talk about you, so I didn't push, but after Dr. Sadler helped him a bit, he always said that you _saved _him and that you were an _angel. _The entire time, Clare. And if he knew you were beating yourself up like this…it would crush him. I'm not sure he could handle it…it would convince him to do something stupid like convince himself that in order to protect you he has to distance himself from you or something just as…idiotic, really," Adam said.

"He _would_ call me that," I said quietly.

"The past is…just that, Clare. It's over. What matters is the future. That's what Keith Urban was saying too. Why do you think he waited six years to give this interview? Because this is a chapter in his life that is now over, and him and Nicole moved on from it…he made a whole bunch of new records, they had two beautiful girls…because he had a problem, he fixed it, and even if I'm sure he still works at it every day, it's in the past now," Lana gently said and I was so grateful for her kindness.

I knew Lana and Adam had plans to go get dinner and see a movie after this, and after seeing this interview there was just one thing that I really wanted to do, so I gently asked Adam, "Do you think it would be okay…if I stayed here for a bit so I can meet Eli when he comes home? I don't want to wait until Wednesday to see him," I shyly asked.

"Of course, Clare. Stay as long as you like. He'll be thrilled at such a surprise," Adam said and Lana gave me a huge smile.

The two of them left soon after that as I thought to myself that I only have thirty minutes before he should be back…meaning he's probably driving from the train station right now, and my body was invaded by a rush of excitement.

**Eli's POV**

I was pleased that the return train ride went much better than the first one…most likely due to the fact that this time I knew better than to sleep. Imogen and I were both just doing homework and I also fixed up Clare's essay for Dr. Gifford a little bit. Her paper was excellent just as I had anticipated it to be, I just gave her some small advice here and there that was more just specifics about the little ways to make Dr. Gifford happy…and I realized I also needed to teach her how to do MLA bibliographies. I'm not sure what style she was doing, but it wasn't the right one.

I was also delighted that Imogen and I were able to get past the little event of Saturday night – and I had planned it out in my mind just how I would explain it to Clare; I wanted to call her tonight and tell her just so it's off my chest – and we prepped quite well for the upcoming regional conference in Toronto. She was pleasant to work with and she liked my humour, so I knew we'd have a nice friendship, and I really hope she hits it off with Daniel. I'm pretty sure they will; I was right about Adam and Lana so I can only hope I will be right about this as well.

I was pretty exhausted from the _go-go-go_ rhythm that I'd been following all weekend, so when I opened the door to my apartment, I couldn't see Adam anywhere, so I just yelled, "Adam, I'm back…so come say hi to me 'cause I'm heading right to bed soon," but he still didn't surface. Where was this kid?

I walked through the hallway and into the common room and…it's official, I'm the luckiest guy on Earth. Clare stood in front of the table wearing the cutest little flower blouse and some very flattering jeans and she had the most adorable mischievous smile on her face. I noticed she had dinner on the table and she gave me a second to pick up my jaw off of the floor before she started giggling madly and jumped into my arms. I was so happy to see her that I picked her up off the ground and twirled her a little around the room, and as I lowered her, I captured her lips and gave her a sweet kiss that she reciprocated to eagerly and I felt her sigh contently as I eventually had to pull away.

She was still a bit flustered when her feet touched the floor, her cheeks that pink shade that I loved so much, but she breathed "Welcome home," and I flashed her a huge smirk and said, "This is _the best_ welcome in the world," really wanting to tell her this was the only welcome I want to come home to every day of the rest of my life, but I didn't want to scare her away. One day, I'll tell her. One day, maybe I will be lucky enough to come home to her every day and to have her come home to me after her day at work as well. One day.

"Are you hungry?" she shyly asked.

"Clare, this is so amazing, and yes, I'm starving, actually. But you didn't have to do this, I don't expect you cook for me…I'm not one those 1960s-is-how-it-still-should-be type of guys," I said, just wanting her to know that.

"And that's very good, because I'm _definitely _not one of those 1960s kind of gals. But I am the kind of girl that likes to do something nice for her boyfriend who she missed so much…and I hardly think pizza and pop from the SUB counts as cooking," she said with a small frown.

"This is …perfect, Clare. More than perfect…this is one of those moments you were talking about," I told her, remembering what she had told me in the movie theatre about moments that feel so absolutely amazing that you never want them to end.

She gently placed her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in for a slow kiss that now left _me_ all flustered as she pulled away.

"Okay, I take that back," I said. "_Now_ it beats perfection," and she giggled in response as she said we should eat.

"Wait," I told her. I didn't want to start this beautiful moment with her until I got something off my chest, "There's something I need to tell you about my trip," I said, and I saw her face fall instantly. "It's not too serious, don't worry," I assured her, and I told her everything. Well, almost everything. I left out the part about where I told Imogen that I want to marry Clare someday. One day, I'll tell her that. Just not yet.

Clare was obviously not pleased, and when I was finished, she said, "I hate that she put the moves on you like that, Eli, I had a feeling she would, but…you handled that so well. It's good she changed after that night, because if she hadn't…well, let's not go there, but it wouldn't be good," she said, and I loved to see this feisty side come out in her sometimes. It was just so incredibly cute. She continued, "And I hope things work out between her and Daniel, and that whatever caused her to be so insecure gets solved. But to be honest, it sounds to me like it's her parents," Clare said, and I was once again impressed by my girl's brilliance. I hadn't even thought of that, but it made perfect sense, and I praised Clare for her insight. Much to my delight, that caused a blush to form on her cheeks yet again.

After we ended our Imogen discussion and I slyly slipped into conversation to Clare that I could never love anything as much as I love her, she placed a small kiss on my lips but pulled away teasingly before I could respond. I'd have to get her back for that. But there was something I had to do first so I walked over to my bag and told her,

"I picked you up something in Montreal," and I held out the small package to her.

"Eli…you didn't have to," she started, but I cut her off, saying, "I just wanted to get something special for my girl, not a big deal," and I saw her blush get even more pronounced.

She opened the package and my heart skipped a beat when I saw her smile at the silver bracelet that was twisted in a fleur-de-lis shape, one I'm sure Clare will recognize from the Quebec flag. The bracelet also had 'Montreal' engraved on either side of the flower…it was just a cute little delicate thing that I could instantly imagine on her wrist when I saw it in the store, so I just had to get it for her.

"It's so beautiful, Eli…fleur-de-lis, so Quebecois!" she exclaimed, much to my delight. She put it on right away and I took advantage of the moment to plant a series of small kisses up her arm. I had never done this before and hoped it wouldn't scare her, but I was ecstatic to see that she only giggled madly in response. Was she a little ticklish? That was something I'd definitely have to explore further.

I ultimately got my revenge on her for that teasing kiss by leaning in and taking her breath away with a passionate kiss but pulling away quickly, and I saw the little look of frustration that crossed her face. _Well, that's what she gets for starting that with me_, I thought playfully.

We sat down to eat and after I thanked her again for dinner. After we were finished, I categorically refused that she does any dishes, jokingly saying that doing those had always been, and will always remain Adam's job in our domestic partnership. Clare continued to make this night pure magic for me by asking if we could watch TV for a while; I was so glad I wouldn't have to say good-bye to her yet.

I sat down on the couch that the two of us usually sat on whenever we had a movie night with Adam and Lana, and she shyly moved my arms away from my body as she snuggled closer into me, draped her legs over my own, and laid her head on my chest with a contented sigh as she placed my arms around her waist. I placed a small kiss on the top of her curls as she settled on making us watch one of those Reese Witherspoon movies she liked so much. _Sweet Home Alabama_ I think this one was? How do I even know such things? Oh, right – just one look at the adorable little smile on Clare's face when she came across it reminded me how I'd watch anything really…because it's that smile that I really want to see. I could look at that smile every day for the rest of my life. One day I will tell her that.

I was gently running my hand up and down her spine when she asked me something that seemed a little out of the blue.

"Eli, do you know who Keith Urban is?"

I rolled my eyes playfully and said, "Yeah, and I'm guessing Lana has you listening to him?"

"Sort of. But you know about him, right?" she continued.

"Yes, I do, quite a bit actually because he used to be a rock guitarist before he became a country superstar, you know. Even now, I like some of his songs because all of that crazy rock guitar stuff on his songs is actually him playing. He can play like seven different instruments, too, and he writes every single one of his songs. When the Grammy awards a couple of years ago had to find five guitarists in an emergency, they asked these four guys from rock bands…and him. And he kind of kicked all their buts when he played, there was even an article in _Billboard _magazine about the whole deal. My dad and I have actually been to one of his shows, because he is nuts live. Definitely one of the best guitarists of his generation, total rock star despite the fact that his music is classified at country," I explained to her. I liked the dude.

Clare seemed a little…worried when she saw that I knew about him. Why? I assumed she's asking because he's probably coming to town and Lana wants to go, which means Adam will take her, and Clare probably wants to go too. Of course I'll take her, she doesn't need to be all worried.

However, she continued, "You know…about him and Nicole Kidman?"

"I know they're married…I'd be hard not to know that though, – after he met her, his songs…they kind of changed. Before they were all about heartbreak, and after he got much more optimistic and it was all about how he found a happy place. On his latest album, every single song is about her. But that's all I know," I told her. Where was she going with this? The personal life stuff was much more Lana's domain…she had a thing about her celebrities and knowing everything about them. I guess you can take the girl out of California, but you can't take California out of the girl.

"But you don't know about those months right after they got married where he stopped singing?" she pursued.

"I had no idea that was after they got married – but I do remember he stopped for a while right after a record of his came out, only because he was winning all of these guitarist awards and everyone was wondering why he wasn't coming to the award shows to pick them up. I think he was in rehab for substance abuse, right? Typical rock star stuff, but he actually came out of there pretty quick and his music became even better, and he only got more famous," I told her.

"Yeah, that's right," she said. "So, in his songs it's obvious he loves her a lot and she loves him back just as much?"

"Absolutely," I told her. It really was.

She lifted her head a little so her gaze met mine and she said, "E-Eli? You know how she loves him so much? I love you like that too, you know. No less than that, if anything – more," and my heart swelled to hear her say that, but I was a little confused. Where was this coming from?

"And I love you that much right back, but what's going on, Clare? What's with the sudden Keith and Nicole romance admiration?" I asked her.

"I saw him on a talk show today with Adam and Lana, and he was explaining his love and her love so beautifully, and I don't know…I just wanted to tell you this…just so you know," she said, innocence and shyness in her beautiful sparkling eyes.

"I know, sweetheart. And I hope you know I love you with all my heart, too," I told her, giving her a small squeeze. She grinned up at me and lovingly tangled her fingers in my hair, a gesture that always made me melt, as she gave me a tender kiss full of emotion. I happily responded and we spent another hour and half just cuddling on the couch as we watched her movie and traded small kisses every now and then before I walked her back to Annesley.

**Please leave me a review and let me know what you thought!**


	25. Lurking in the Shadows

**Hi everyone!**

**So, am I the only one who totally hates that promo? Well, not the style and everything, (that's how you do a cool promo! Not just scenes like all the other shows do), but the content. That look Eli has at the fire…man, my heart just aches for him. I found it very hard to have any type of sympathy for Clare in that promo, and I am pretty sure now Imogen will be into Eli, but she won't be into him…the entire promo all Eli cared about was Clare. If the storyline it just him pining over her, I will be mad. And it looks like it's gonna be! So promo = majorly upsetting. You'll know just how much I hated its content in the next chapter. **

**Anyway, I would like to spend a special thank you to my reader iloveeliandclare who got her twitter friends to read my story! That is so incredibly sweet, and then her friend Michelle-Chambers1, and then what I think happened is both of them got my newest reader Lovely'Henae on board as well! Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me that you went to all this trouble! And I don't have a twitter account, but I'll make one soon ad let you know. Special thanks as always go to my rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel. And of course, thank you so much to all of those who left me a review, you are the reason I am still going with this story: MartinaRR, Lovely'Henae, skygoldsworthy, MaddieLovesEclare, MelissaIsLame, deena, Julsgracie, CheapNovelty, Michelle-Chambers1, musiksnob (your reviews are always so insightful! And the physical aspect of their relationship will be dealt with, don't worry), iloveeliandclare, ToDecember, Cool Person, meandthatperson, StalkerAngel, and EpicNinjaChica. Where is my other fab reviewer ilovetaylorswift 13? Hope you are still out there!**

**Also, one of you asked me for personal advice but left me a totally anonymous review (this was a few chapters ago). I'm not going to answer so publicly, so leave me a way to contact you and I will get back to you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Clare's POV**

I filled in my name and student number at the top of the answer booklet as everyone waited for Dr. Gifford to pass out the midterm question sheets. I was really nervous; I wanted to do really well on this midterm. Dr. Gifford had given me an A on my first paper, and I knew that without Eli's modifications I would have scored lower, because Dr. Gifford spent the entire lecture after handing back the papers ranting about the typical errors. He said that those tiny errors, when all combined, were often enough to dock students an entire letter grade…and as he talked about them, I recognized a lot of those errors in my draft pre-Eli's edits. Also I hadn't done my bibliography properly before Eli fixed it up for me, and Dr. Gifford called mistakes in MLA style his biggest pet-peeve. As that class came to an end and I was making my way to my next one, I remember thinking how lucky I was that…I had Eli. In more ways than one. My grandma's words about feeling well looked after and feeling like part of a team kept resounding in my head, and they gave me a warm feeling in my tummy and brought a smile to my face that must have looked quite silly as I was walking through the hallways of the Buchanan complex.

So, in these moments of nervousness – I really just wanted to see the passages we had to identify and the essay question already – I recalled Eli's final words of advice and took a deep breath.

_Just relax, Clare. Being nervous is good, but you don't want to psyche yourself out so badly that you won't be able to produce a good essay. You've aced all of your other midterms; don't let the year difference for this class make you nervous, it doesn't mean anything. Do the identification questions first, and take five minutes to plan your essay before you actually start it. Make sure to include as much concrete evidence from the text as possible, make as many direct references as you can because Dr. Gifford will raise you a mark for all of those for sure; it'll prove to him you know the text well and that you listened in class. You'll be brilliant. _

Just as I finished reliving that moment of advice that had occurred just last night outside my apartment door, Dr. Gifford walked by my desk and placed the question sheet on it with a small smile. I took a deep breath, flipped it over, repeated Eli's advice in my mind one more mind, and realized…I can do this. I could deal with all of these questions. And I spent the next eighty minutes doing so, and after applying all of Eli's advice throughout my answers, I felt pretty good about my midterm as I handed in. Dr. Gifford gave me another smile as he looked through the window of the door to the lecture hall – what was up with that? I shook it off and walked out, and once I saw Eli waiting for me outside, holding two paper coffee cups, I realized that Dr. Gifford had been happy to see one of his former students…and maybe to see our friendship again? I blushed a little at the thought that Dr. Gifford might have caught on to something…I didn't really want my profs knowing about my dating life, but Dr. Gifford seemed to…approve of Eli?

After getting over that tiny moment of embarrassment, I managed to process how touched I was that Eli came to meet me…not only because I knew he was up until 2am last night working on last-minute details for our Ontario regional meeting and this was an 8am class, but also I knew he was a bit hesitant still of springing surprises on me, particularly ones that involved him demonstrating that he knew my course schedule by heart. But I wanted to know that this was more than okay with me, so I let out a tiny squeal when I saw him and placed a sweet kiss on his lips. I couldn't help but giggle when I saw his lips shine with pink berry gloss so I gently wiped that away as I felt his lips form into a smirk. He held out one of cups to me as he said,

"Figured one of these lattes might come in handy for you right about now," and I grabbed it from him and took a sip. It clearly had one added packet of sugar and a little more milk. It was absolutely perfect. I couldn't help myself and I leaned in and gave Eli a bit of a longer kiss, and I placed my hand on his chest in a little test that I had been applying to him lately; just one heated kiss and I could actually _feel _his heart speed up.

"How did it go?" he asked, not showing the smallest shadow of a doubt.

"It went well, I think I did okay," I answered.

"Pssh, you think you did just _okay,_" he sarcastically said, as I intertwined our hands and gave him a giggle in response. He continued, "I was hoping you'd like to have lunch with me to celebrate both of our midterms being officially over now…before I have to go to American Lit at 2".

I grinned up at him and said, "I'd love that. Annesley caf or Innis caf?" I asked, wondering if he preferred to go back to his own college for lunch or come to mine, as he had a few times over the past month since his Montreal trip, and often we'd be joined by Alli as well.

Eli moved to the other side of me as we were now walking outside and he had this funny thing about if we were walking by a busy street, he'd prefer to be on the side nearest the traffic, positioning himself in between the cars and myself. It seemed almost like an instinctive thing on his part, and it intrigued me a bit so when I mentioned it to Alli she just said he was so chivalrous and when I told my mom about it she just said that it was probably just a protective instinct that he was acting on, potently adding, "As he should".

He was looking at the traffic as he said, "I was actually thinking we could go somewhere nicer – 99 chairs perhaps? Or wherever you want," and my heart warmed at the way he'd always try his hardest to make sure I was happy. I was pretty sure that if I were to ask him to get me a salmon fresh out of the river and berries from the other end of the country in the Okanagan fields, he'd take up fishing and fly to B.C., rushing to be back in time for dinner.

"99 chairs sounds perfect," I assured him, and I couldn't help but relive the moment in which Eli had first taken me there the day of my campus tour and we had counted all the chairs. We also came here a bit with his parents; I had joined for a few more Friday night dinners since the first one a month ago; I didn't want to intrude and come to all of them, but I ended up going to the majority, at Eli and his parents' request. I was originally really worried about how Bullfrog would act, and he was nice and friendly and funny and him and Cece made the perfect _Let's-embarrass-Eli-as-much-as-possible_ team…but I could still detect this…tension with him.

I had the feeling that something had changed in the way he felt about me. He never called me Clarabelle anymore, and that affectionate nickname was the only thing he'd use for me when Eli and I were first dating. He was really pleasant to me, asked me a lot about my own schoolwork, but…I just knew that something was different now. And I definitely couldn't blame him for his hesitancy, but it deeply saddened me. I brought it up in conversation with Eli one time and he just gently told me there is nothing to worry about as both of his parents loved me. Cece, on the other hand, seemed gladder than ever to see me…and I wasn't sure that was even possible. She would always give me a warm hug that inevitably made me recall the moments in which we were both sitting on her bed and she had brushed my hair so gently and thoroughly, telling me about how she always wished she could have had a daughter after she had Eli.

We had a very nice and relaxing lunch – I hadn't even realized how hungry I was until I got my food; these midterms really took a lot out of you. Eli and I still had one thing keeping us busy before we could fully relax though – the Centennial Foundation regional meeting. Admittedly, it was keeping him a lot busier - all I really had to do was show up, but he had to plan it all. I was actually really excited about it as I had never been to one before and as Eli had told me about the one in Montreal that he had been to last year, it sounded really interesting and fun. I was also excited that we would get to stay in a fancy hotel downtown – only about ten minutes away from the university really, but I knew it would feel really special anyway.

Eli had told me my roommate would be a girl named Emily from Stratford as he had access to all the lists; the Foundation partnered people and didn't leave that up to Eli and Imogen (pretty much the only thing they didn't have to do), but he could still tell me. I remembered that at our very first chapter meeting, Eli and Imogen had mentioned all of us originally from Toronto would be paired with a student from outside Toronto so we could show them around during down-time, and I was actually looking forward to that. Eli himself would have to always be ensuring the workshops would have everything they'd need in order to run, so he wasn't expected to go to them unless he was running one, and I knew he would be running two, so they had just partnered him up with a student from Toronto so he wouldn't have to be overwhelmed with things to do.

I giggled when I found out that the particular student was Wesley as the image of the two of them sharing a room could only bring laughter to my mind, which caused Eli to roll his eyes in response and tell me that the Foundation had probably done that because they knew they had both gone to Degrassi and they wanted to make things easy for him so he'd be happy and run the conference smoothly. I assured him he'd do a fine job, because I was by now familiar with Eli's determination to make everything perfect. This professional capacity was something he had really developed in his time working with Big Brothers and with the Foundation… the time that we had been apart, and it was a pretty striking change for me, but one that I adored. I liked watching him lead meetings and tour Big Brothers investors, and it didn't hurt that he looked so…attractive in his more formal dress pants and dress shirts as well, thoughts that made me rotate the ring around my finger with intensity at times. I knew I shouldn't have these doubts about…waiting, but lately they have creeping into my mind, and then the next minute it was like I would jolt out of them and the thought of breaking my vow terrified me. Eli was amazing at not putting any pressure on me just like he had always been, but at times I couldn't help but wonder if there was any…frustration on his part…Peter had once told Darcy in frustration that while _she_ may have taken a purity vow, _he_ never had. I couldn't help but wonder if that thought had ever crossed Eli's mind as well.

As he grabbed the bill and we started walking to the front of the restaurant as Eli said he needed to pay with his debit card, I tried, in my most assertive voice, to tell him to let me get it just this once. All Eli did was in response was lean in towards me, and I thought he was going to kiss my lips, but he placed a gentle kiss on my cheek instead and whispered "Not a chance," in my ear and flashed me a smirk. All I could do was sigh in response. After he paid we started walking in the direction of his next class, and I was starting to get a little sad, as I knew he'd be leaving for the hotel right after. He had to be there one day earlier than the rest of us because apparently, the Foundation boss Harry, was going to meet with him and Imogen and get everything ready for everyone's arrival tomorrow.

We stopped in front of his classroom and I didn't want to let go of his hand as I asked him, "Do you really have to go so early?" and I flashed him a small pout…a secret weapon of mine that nearly always caused Eli to let me get my way.

His eyes widened as he said, "Don't you _dare_ pull that cute little pout on me, Edwards, this is out of my control," adding, "I don't want to, but I have to," he said sadly, just like he always did when I complained about all of the activities that would tear him away from me.

I gave him one last kiss, but it was interrupted by a suggestive whistle coming from Daniel which caused me to pull away and I could feel my cheeks blazing, so I just hid my face in Eli's shoulder. He just whispered "Don't worry about him, sweetheart," to me and rubbed slow circles in my back with one of his hands.

I could feel Eli turn his head in Daniel's direction and say, "_You're_ one to talk. Every Tuesday and Thursday I almost throw up at the full-on extended make-out session you and Imogen insist on having outside this classroom," and while I have been really glad to hear how well the two of them had hit it off over the past month, I couldn't help but focus on the new detail that Imogen seemed to accompany Daniel to American Lit e_very day_? I definitely didn't do that with Eli…I didn't want him to feel…neglected.

"Shut up, man," was all Daniel retorted and I slowly tore myself apart from Eli as he flashed me a small smirk.

"Don't forget to be outside the SUB before 1:45 tomorrow so you can catch the shuttle to the hotel," he reminded me.

"I won't. So great that there is going to be transportation for us U of T folk as well," I added, because originally we were told we'd have to make our own way to the hotel. It was only ten minutes away, but just walking to the SUB and getting on a shuttle was just so much more convenient, especially with a small suitcase.

Daniel piped up at my comment and told me, "Haha, I remember Imogen talking about that – about how Eli made sure that would happen just so _you_'d be well looked after seeing how he can't drive you there. She told me that when I showed up a couple of minutes late to picking her up one time because my stupid car wouldn't start so, Eli, dude - stop making me look bad in front of Imogen," he said with a smile and I noticed the faint of blushes form on Eli's cheeks.

_Really? Oh, Eli. _

I didn't care what Daniel would say, I decided I needed to finish what I had started so I gave Eli a proper kiss, and much to my delight, by the time I had pulled away Daniel had headed into the lecture hall.

"I'll see you tomorrow night," I said to him, but I still clung my arms around his shoulders, not wanting him to leave.

"Can't wait," he said, flashing me a smile before he headed into the lecture hall.

**Adam's POV**

I was walking Lana back to her dorm and we had just reached her door. The sight of her door had the power to cause the most intense emotions in me – excited joy when I would arrive to visit her, and sadness when I would watch it close at the end of my visits. This time it would be former.

I was a little confused when she didn't let go of my hand after she had unlocked her door, but rather leaned against it, facing me directly. She gave my hand a squeeze and I could detect she was a little nervous as she bit one of her nails quickly, a little impulse of hers.

"Adam?" she softly said, shyly locking my gaze with hers.

"Yes?" I said, trying to encourage her to tell me whatever was clearly making her anxious. Nervousness was a trait that wasn't really present in Lana's blood much, so I began to get a little worried.

"I was hoping that…that next Friday night…would you like to maybe….?" She started, but she trailed off. I gave her hand another squeeze and I felt her inhale and gain her confidence back.

She now assertively said, "I'd like you to sleepover. In my apartment. I want to…be with you," and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was true that Lana and I have been together a long time, but…this aspect of our relationship was something that had been worrying me for a long time now. I couldn't exactly…What would she really think when…I wouldn't be able to…

"Adam?" she asked, interrupting my wild flurry of thoughts.

"Um, but you know, there's…things I can't exactly…" I stuttered, trying to phrase this perfectly but failing miserably.

"Adam," Lana said, and the sincerity in her eyes struck me. Lana would rarely let others, even me, see her so vulnerable, and I knew this was a difficult question for her to ask me, and I didn't want to make her feel…undesired. But…

My thoughts were once again interrupted by the most comforting kiss I have ever received. Her kiss told me everything I needed to know, but it was still amazing to hear what she said next.

"I want to be with _you_. No one else, Adam. It's you, I just…want a night with you," she emphatically said, as I embraced her in a hug and told her I loved her and that I couldn't wait to see her Friday.

**Imogen's POV**

I was just reading the one-month anniversary card that I received last night from Daniel for about the millionth time. I just couldn't get over it.

_Baby, _

_I know getting a one-month anniversary card might be considered lame, but I couldn't care less. I continue to be amazed every day at how I ended up with such an extraordinary girl. I don't care if people say one month is too early, I know that I love you and all I want is to make you happy and always be here for you. I can't wait to take you out tonight because every minute I spend with you is the best minute of my life. Before you came into my life, it was so…ordinary. But now…now…there is nothing ordinary about the joy, encouragement and energy you bring into my life. You're my amazing girl. _

_I love you so much. _

A few minutes after I put the card away, not wanting him to see me read it so much, he came out of the lecture hall with Eli and we began walking to the parking lot as Eli would be driving to the hotel and he had told me I should just get a ride with him as opposed to walk. I was so grateful to Eli, not only for completely honouring his promise to just pretend my drunken advances on him had never happened, but also because…he had introduced me to Daniel. And Daniel was…_special_. And more importantly, he treated me like I was…_special_ as well, but not Steven's kind of special. The kind of special that Eli felt Clare was. Eli was ecstatic when he came out of the lecture hall with Daniel and saw that Clare was waiting for him; apparently they had said their good-byes earlier but her lecture had been cancelled and she had returned to see him off again.

I felt extremely guilty about the way I acted now that Daniel and I had double dated with Eli and Clare; before, she had been an anonymous girlfriend in my mind, but after I got to know her a bit better, and especially after I saw how Eli looked at her…I just felt so much worse. I am so thankful Eli had dealt with that situation so well; he really was a perfect gentleman. I know it was all water under the bridge by now, but I really couldn't help but feel guilty and ashamed…I didn't really want to regress to the way I was when I was in high school ever again.

Eli and Clare were walking behind Daniel and me and we all came to a stop in front of Eli's Jeep and Eli threw my bag and his own in the back.

Daniel gave me a quick kiss and said, "I'll be counting the minutes until you get back, baby. Every second's going to be painful," and as I smiled in return, I couldn't help but notice that Daniel's comment had made Eli and Clare…uncomfortable? That was strange; Daniel and I were kind of bad about limiting our displays of public affection, and Eli and Clare did make fun of us about that a bit, but they never looked uncomfortable. Was it something he had said? No, he was just talking about missing me. Bizarre.

Clare leaned up and Eli met her halfway as they also shared a quick kiss and he said, "See you tomorrow, Edwards," with a smirk. Hold on. Clare _Edwards?_

"Your last name is Edwards?" I asked her.

"Yes…" she confirmed with a puzzled look on her face.

"I've seen that name like a million times over the last month as Eli and I organized all those crazy workshop lists! You're a scholarship winner too!" I told her in excitement.

"Right," she nodded, "hence me coming tomorrow," and I gave her a small laugh in return.

"Sorry, I just didn't know. I can't believe it hasn't come up yet, but this is awesome!" I honestly told her as I genuinely liked Clare, "See you tomorrow," I added, and Eli and I got into the car as Clare and Daniel began walking back to main campus.

Clare _Edwards. _It wasn't just on the workshop lists that I had seen that name, though. Everything made so much sense now; all those e-mails I got cc'ed on when I wasn't quite an official co-ordinator yet, discussing that dilemma about her and that other kid, what was his name…Winston? Wilson? Wesley? I think Wesley was it. Well, that whole e-mail discussion makes more sense now; they all went to the same school.

I looked over at Eli and asked him, "You and Clare went to high school together, right?"

"That's right," he responded as he pulled out of the parking lot. "At Degrassi."

**Eli's POV**

Imogen must be very good at memorizing lists if she can connect the fact that Clare and I had gone to the same high school. She wouldn't know that I had previously gone to another high school before Degrassi, because our Centennial data forms only listed the school we graduated from, and that didn't bother me at all, as Degrassi felt like my high school in my mind.

I was so happy to see that Imogen and Daniel's relationship progressed so well; I always thought that at the very least the two of them would go on a few fun dates, but they might not be able to form a friendship that would enable a relationship to really last, but somewhere between rock climbing and mountain biking and all the other crazy things they did, it seems they were able to bond very well. Daniel had told me just how much he liked her, and the blissful foolish look that would cross his face just at the mention of her name told me everything I needed to know. He adored her, and I'm convinced the feeling is mutual.

Imogen and I saw that Harry and four other Foundation staff whom we had never met before were waiting for us in the hotel lobby just as we arrived, and they were all quite excited to see us. Harry introduced us to all of them, telling us they were here to help in any way we needed them to, and not to be afraid to "put them to work". He told us that Andrea, whom I made a mental note to remember by her bright red hair, had been working directly with him over the last four years at the Foundation and that she would be acting as his assistant for the conference, and if we couldn't find him in any moment, Andrea would be the one to help us.

After we all had a meeting and had dinner together and figured out every single little detail except for laying out the name tags which we agreed was best to do tomorrow morning right before everyone got here, Imogen and I finally got a chance to go to our rooms. We grabbed our bags from my Jeep and headed inside the elevator. I noticed she received a text message from Daniel, and she showed it to me with a giggle.

It said, _I know it's crazy, but I miss you so much already baby_, and I know she was just excited and that is why she showed it to me, but I couldn't help but feel a sharp pang when I saw his selection of words. I could never say something like that to Clare, and that really made me sad. I wanted to; not in a suffocating way…but…Daniel had said it to Imogen. All over the world, boyfriends are saying that to their girlfriends…but _I can't_.

So I pulled out my phone and instead texted Clare, _You're gonna love this hotel _and when I saw just how lame that looked, I thought…what the hell, and I added, _I can't wait until you get here. _I was happy to see that Clare's reply was _Counting down the hours now. Get a good night's rest. I love you. _I sent her a quick reply to tell her I love her as well, and just as I finished Imogen and I heard the elevator's ding as it signalled that it got to the seventh floor.

Our rooms were side by side again – probably planned by the Foundation so we'd have quick access to each other, but this didn't worry me at all as it did in Montreal. I had…told Imogen that I wouldn't be spending the night at the hotel because she needed to know just in case something came up and she couldn't find me. When I shared that with her, she just gave me a warm smile and said it would not be a problem at all. The look in her eyes when she told me that though…_she knew. She knew why. _

I was planning on enjoying my only night of freedom in this nice room though, I thought as I looked around and noticed the nice furniture, big TV, and really big comfy beds. Tomorrow night Wesley could have this room to himself, and I really hoped he wouldn't think I like…had something against him, or worse, that I'd be sneaking off to go fool around with Clare in her room. Clare and I had run into him one time on campus when we were just walking, holding hands and he had congratulated us on getting back together. Wesley was nice enough and he really did look happy to see us together, but he struck me as a little awkward and a little…afraid of me even. I was pretty sure that he'd be more relaxed without me in this room during the night, I thought with a chuckle as I changed into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and plopped down on the bed and turned the TV on.

I heard my phone buzz so I glanced at it, and when my favourite name flashed across the screen, I felt my lips form into an involuntary smirk.

"Hi, Clare," I said excitedly.

"Why, hello to you too! Did all the prep go well?" she asked.

"I hope it will be up to your standards when you arrive tomorrow," I playfully answered.

"It'd better," she sarcastically answered, before she asked, "Where are you now?"

"In a nice, warm, soft bed with really silky sheets…" I said in a husky tone, just trying to play with her a little bit, and it obviously worked as it took her a few seconds to stutter out, "U-Uh, that's-that's good. Bed-bed is good, you've had a long day".

I shook my head at her coy shyness and decided that was enough teasing her. I knew Clare was worried about my feelings on her vow, and I only wanted to reassure her that I could deal. Except maybe express that more gallantly than "I can deal because there's no other option". Obviously, being with Clare _like that_ would be amazing, and I really want to, but…the conversation we had that night in the Japanese garden told me she definitely wasn't ready. And I knew that if we rushed into doing that before she was ready…it would constitute irreparable damage. The last thing I want to do is mess this up and push her too far. She did say she loves me and that she wouldn't regret it…but I think that if she wasn't ready, she _would _regret it_. _

And if I took something that was so important away from her for my own selfish desires, I knew not only would that be the end of our relationship and the start of her hating herself, but I would…never be able to forgive myself. I couldn't live with myself if I were to abuse her trust and confused state of mind as she's coming to terms with everything. No matter how difficult it is at times. Her little speech on the subject had intrigued me, but it had revealed a lot of conflict and insecurity on her part. And we'd have to work on getting rid of that insecurity together before we could even _talk_ about her…maybe being ready someday. And I knew that I really should just think of her marriage day as the one in which she'd actually be ready. And, wow, if I ever got to marry Clare…now that fantasy was one I wouldn't allow myself to develop beyond the vision of her in a wedding dress, in a church of course. Because if all it would remain to be would be just that – a dream – the pain of those visions never coming true would be too much.

"Sorry, sorry," I said, apologizing for my earlier cheeky comment.

"No worries," she nonchalantly said, "but is there a TV in your room?" she asked and I told her I was watching it right now.

She let out a little squeal and said "Good, turn to channel 19 then," and when I did so and saw what was playing I couldn't help but groan and I heard Clare laughing in response.

"Really, Clare, _again?_" I asked her when I saw the small bubbly blonde actress dressed as a doctor this time. I sighed and asked, "What's this one even called?"

"_Just Like Heaven_," she said with a giggle. _Awesome, girly chick flick and religion all rolled into one._ "But it's not all that religious," she quickly added, and I smirked at how she had practically just read my mind.

I decided it was time to come clean, "Okay Clare, confession time - the only reason I watch these movies is because I get to hold you for two whole hours, steal kisses and see a smile on your face for the entire length of the movie. Neither of which, I would like to point out, can be achieved _over the phone_," and I heard her giggle again.

"Whatever, you totally _loooove_ them," she teased me.

"I love _you_," I shot before my mouth could catch up with my mind.

"Eli?" she suddenly asked me, her tone all serious.

"I'm so excited for the conference, and I can't wait to see you tomorrow," she said, and my heart swelled with love when I heard her say that.

"Me either, sweetheart. I'll stay on the line and we can watch the rest of this movie together?" I offered, knowing that's what she wanted.

"You don't have to, you're probably tired and busy…" she started, but I cut her off.

"I'm all done all my work, and there's nothing else I'd rather do," I honestly told her and she whispered a soft thank you. It was only thirty minutes later, after several comments between the two of us on the movie, that she said she was tired and would head off to bed. Then she said something she never had before; maybe because her drowsiness had invaded her senses and she wasn't really aware she was actually saying this out loud, but she told me "I hope you'll be in my dreams tonight," and as happy as that comment made me, it also saddened me. Because I knew for sure that _she_ would be in _my_ dreams tonight, but…in a different way than what she had referred to. For the past month, my nightmares have been occurring _every single_ _night_. And previously, I could wake up and after a minute or two, my breathing would return to normal, but now…now it was not that easy anymore. Now I would be panting and gasping for every breath, and it would take me a good ten to fifteen minutes to calm down. And no one knew.

**Clare's POV **

"So anyway, I'm excited he's my roommate," I heard Wesley say as the hotel shuttle pulled up to the entrance, much to my happiness. Wesley had been chattering in my ear non-stop ever since we left campus, all about how he was looking forward to room with Eli. But I kind of didn't buy into it; he sounded more like he was a little scared of Eli than anything. I knew some people reacted that way to him, but in reality, that instinct couldn't be more wrong, and I tried to subtly suggest that to Wesley, and I think he picked up on it, because he gave me some comment about how if Eli is my boyfriend obviously he's a nice guy. Wesley also felt a little special to know his roommate ahead of everyone, I think – the room assignments would be handed out with our name tags when we first registered upon arrival, but when he sat down next to me on the bus I figured I might as well just tell him, because Wesley was freaking out a little about how he would have to show a student from outside Toronto around. He was obviously pretty relieved he wouldn't have to deal with that duty.

As we all made our way out of the hotel, I just wanted to see what Eli was up to, so I was a little disappointed to see that Imogen was greeting the bus by herself. She told us all to go check in and grab our name tags, so I just followed the crowd, but just as I was about to walk into the hotel, I felt a strong hand on my lower back and turned around to see Eli and I gasped a little in shock, but he quickly pulled me into a little hallway that was away from everyone and kissed me passionately before I even knew what was happening.

He slowly pulled away and said, "Welcome to the Ramada downtown," and I giggled in response.

"Is this the traditional Ramada greeting?" I asked while I narrowed my eyes at him.

"It is for _you_," he shot back. "Missed you last night," he added.

"Even if _Just Like Heaven _was on TV?" I replied.

"Well, she wasn't _an angel_ in that, Clare, she was a ghost – which s_omeone _would know if _she _had managed to stay awake long enough," he sarcastically said.

"Sounds like someone _else _kept that movie on _after _we said goodbye. So much for 'confession time,'" I pointed out, and Eli laughed in response.

I wanted to tease him a bit, so I said, "Anyway, I have to go check in, heard the two chapter co-ordinators running this whole gig are pretty strict," and I pulled away from his embrace.

"What? No, check it out, I have all your stuff right here," Eli said, and I saw he had picked up my name tag and he handed me a conference brochure and the key card to a sixth-floor room as well. I noticed my white name tag said _Clare Edwards, U of T_, while his pale blue one said _Eli Goldsworthy, U of T Chapter Co-ordinator. _Eli pinned it to my blouse as I straightened his a bit; it was all crooked.

I playfully looked around the little hallway and said, "Hmm, well then…what to do while all those other guys are checking in?" and he just narrowed his eyes at me in response and asked, "Couldn't tell you, but is there any chance I could convince you to stay a little bit longer for some…contraband kissing?" and I flashed him a little smirk of my own as I happily obliged.

A little while later I saw Eli catch his breath and he said, "Um, we should probably get going now, Imogen's gonna kill me if I'm not there for the welcome," and I agreed, noticing Eli was all flustered. We made our way out of the little hallway and caught up with everyone in the large dining room.

A few students were still signing in, and Eli apologized for having to leave me alone, but I knew he had co-ordinator duties so I just joined Wesley and a girl who I had made friends with while waiting for the hotel shuttles back at U of T. We were all sitting around one of the approximately thirty round tables in the large room, and pretty soon the guy who I knew from Eli as Harry came up to the front and gave a welcoming speech, and he explained that he was one of the directors of the Foundation. He then introduced Eli and Imogen and they gave a little speech as well, just welcoming everyone and saying that the Toronto chapter was glad to host students from the entire province and that we would all ensure to show them a good time in our city. Eli would flash me these killer looks at times throughout his speech, and I could feel my cheeks redden and I'm pretty sure Wesley noticed what was going on. Then the activity moved into a whole bunch of ice breaker games that Imogen ran while Eli disappeared to prepare the first workshop sessions.

Watching Imogen's energy and light heartedness as she engaged everyone in the games made me realize that she was the perfect partner for Eli for this job; I could never imagine doing him this kind of thing, but I couldn't also really imagine Imogen settling down long enough to plan all the concurrent workshop sessions like I knew Eli was doing.

After the games were over, we had to head to our first workshop, and I was going to one led by a fourth year student who had started an Africa initiative that was similar to my Project Love. I wanted to hear how she had gotten funding for her project – Eli kind of totally saved my butt with that grant last year, but what did people that didn't have an Eli do? I hoped the workshop would answer my question, and it ultimately did not. It seemed like she was just able to find enough supportive people without running into the same motivation problem that I had, and when I mentioned grants she said those were really hard to get and a lot of work for a result that was not ever guaranteed.

After that first workshop, it was now about five o'clock and our schedules said it was time to go back to the dining room for a snack, which was a fun little portion of the day as I shared a piece of chocolate cake with Eli – he was able to come join the break with everyone, and he was telling me about some projector crisis one of the presenters was having that he had to deal with. I was also excited because my next workshop would be the one he was running – his grant-writing workshop. While I knew what his work involved, I never actually saw samples of his writing, and I knew his workshop would include that.

After we finished our piece of cake, he took my hand and I was glad to see that that wasn't against the rules for him working here or something, and led me to the room in which he was presenting in. I noticed he had a PowerPoint presentation displaying on a large screen, and he also had booklets at every spot around the large tables. He motioned for me to sit in the seat which was clearly next to his – I could tell by all his notes and the jacket on the back of the chair – and I did so, taking in all the people that were slowly filing in for his workshop. There had only been about 15 people in my previous one, but about sixty people entered the larger room. Obviously grant writing would interest everyone as a lot of the students here did work with charities and funding was always a constant issue, but this was so many people!

Not that that seemed to phase Eli at all. He just got on with his workshop without any hint of nervousness, which made me remember the times he had told me about how often the grants he would write for Big Brothers included having to do an in-person presentation to groups of investors. He told people a little about himself, but just a few sentences, before he turned to a list of the typical government grants that he encouraged everyone to apply for, saying that the government often put aside a large number of these for every registered Canadian charity. This was a good thing to mention because I could feel the competitive spirit right there in the room within the first few seconds, and it thrilled me to see Eli didn't like it because I completely hated it. In each of the workshop participants' booklets he had also included a small sample of one of his Big Brothers grants, but he had blackened out all the specifics. I think everyone could tell he was obviously talking about a children's charity, and some people even guessed.

I was really impressed by his writing…it was so different than what I had previously seen from him. I was a little overcome by sadness to realize that the last thing of his that I had truly read was Stalker/Angel. I wanted to read the other things he had published, but he had never volunteered to show them to me. And I couldn't blame him for that. I was so deeply ashamed of how I ruined what should have been a wonderful moment for him; Eli wanted to have a career in writing and every writer remembers their first publication; but that memory will forever be tainted for him. I know that if I were to ask Eli to show me his other published works, he would, but I was also a little hesitant because I knew how deeply personal and sensitive all of his writing was, and…it was all produced during our time apart, so I didn't want to read about his heartbreak because I honestly don't think my own heart could take that. I wanted to read them eventually, but I just felt like I needed a little more time. And his professional writing was also remarkable; so clean and crisp but still emotionally impacting as he talked about the work Big Brothers does – it's no wonder he seemed to secure a lot of the grants he applied for. Who could say no to the wonderful things he so persuasively described?

I could tell that the rest of the workshop participants thought the same thing, and there was one peppy girl who was _really _into his work; apparently she worked with kids as well. I didn't like the little giggles and compliments she would throw his way – it was way beyond those of everyone else – so I couldn't help but let a small smile of satisfaction cross my lips when I knew that Eli felt my frustration and gently intertwined his fingers with mine as he was taking questions from everyone. The girl lay off after she saw that. _Good. _

His workshop ended after the standard hour and a half length and I waited for everyone to leave before I embraced him in a kiss and he walked me to the dining hall for dinner. Sadly, he had to join Imogen on stage for dinner announcements in the beginning, but I saved him a seat next to me and he joined me just about ten minutes later. Imogen sat on the other side of me and from the huge grin on her face, I could see she was less interested in eating and more interested in texting Daniel. I noticed he had switched to an actual concrete countdown of how many hours were left until they'd be reunited. Upon seeing that, I reached for Eli's free hand under the table, which caused a pleased little smirk to stretch across his face and I didn't let it go until the very end of the meal. I was happy we were both here together.

Harry made a couple of announcements after dinner, saying that after the final session of workshops that would be run by the Foundation and organized according to the year of everyone's study – as I was in first year, mine would apparently be information about how to renew my award every year – we would essentially have free time. Those of us who were showing our roommates a little around Toronto should do so at this time, he indicated, and reminded us that if we were heading out to the pub district or to any other locations to be safe and come back at a decent hour as we still had a lot to do tomorrow morning and we would be starting bright and early at 9am.

I knew Eli and Imogen and Harry needed to have a meeting about the day and to make sure everything was ready for tomorrow, so while they did that I went up to my room; it was on the sixth floor and had such a pretty view. I saw Emily there and I offered to show her the CN Tower, grateful that we had already met in the Africa workshop so things wouldn't be so awkward. She turned out to be very sweet and conscientious, thanked me a million times for showing her the Tower, and much to my delight, she said she just wanted to head back to the hotel afterward and she didn't want to go drinking or anything like that.

When we returned, I saw Harry sitting at the orientation table with another Foundation staff member with pretty red hair. The fact that Harry was not here must mean Eli would be free by now. I noticed that I had lost my name tag on my little tour of downtown Toronto though, so I approached the table to ask him to just borrow a spare one. I knew Harry wouldn't remember me from the one time I had met him at 99 chairs on campus, and he didn't seem to as after I explained to him that I had lost my name tag he said,

"That's not a problem at all, we'll just get you one of these spares right here. I apologize though, you must be in first year because I don't know your name," but just as I was about to tell him another Foundation staff member came up to him, and whispered something in his ear that caused Harry to excuse himself and tell me that the girl with the nice red hair could help me, telling me her name was Andrea.

"What is your name, darling?" she asked, holding a black Sharpie just above the nice white name tag paper.

"Clare Edwards, and I'm from U of T," I told her.

"Oh my, Clare Edwards! _You're Clare_!" she said, her whole face lighting up. What? How did she know my name…she clearly didn't know me.

She must have noticed my puzzled look as she said, "Oh sorry, I always tend to scare people a little like that…it's just all of us at the Foundation, working in Montreal and everything, we don't get to know you guys as more than names on a paper sometimes, until we see you at these conferences," she continued, and I started to understand now. "I definitely remember reviewing your application last year – we had so much trouble because there were two of you so amazing at your school, and we don't really give an award to two students at the same school usually," she added, confirming that my original belief wasn't just a paranoid theory after all. "But then, after that really touching e-mail from your chapter co-ordinator, there really was no doubt about the right thing to do," she said with a huge smile, holding out my name tag to me.

I slowly took it from her hand and asked, "My…chapter co-ordinator?" as I felt an eerie feeling overcome my body.

She nodded in confirmation and said, "Yeah, the boy with the black blazer, not Imogen. Eli. He just made things really clear for us, wrote to us about you".

Eli had…written to them…about me. But that must have been…right when he started as chapter co-ordinator. What had he said? I felt the same strange feeling overcome as that time when he let me know that he had talked to my mom about the gothic lit convention, basically behind my back, putting all this pressure on me. I slowly walked away from the table and tried to process my feelings about this. Why hadn't he told me? Did I…only win this award because Eli's writing was so convincing? Did I…not really deserve to be here? I knew Alli hadn't been right about Eli trying to manipulate me a second time, but…this was a little bit of a warning bell. If I won the award, I'd obviously be going on these conference trips, and he was in charge of them. They were overnight, in hotels…_whoa, stop Clare. That's taking it too far...right? _

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review! It would be nice to know you are reading!**

**And no cliff-hangers, I hate those, so…DOUBLE UPDATE!**


	26. Chase Your Fears Away

**Hi everyone!**

**Double update! Important note for this chapter: I know some of you skip over Imogen's POV, but in this chapter it's important you don't. A crucial scene between Eli and Clare is seen through her perspective. **

**I would like to spend a special thank you to my reader iloveeliandclare who got her twitter friends to read my story! That is so incredibly sweet, and then her friend Michelle-Chambers1, and then what I think happened is both of them got my newest reader Lovely'Henae on board as well! Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me that you went to all this trouble! And I don't have a twitter account, but I'll make one soon ad let you know. Special thanks as always go to my rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel. And of course, thank you so much to all of those who left me a review, you are the reason I am still going with this story: MartinaRR, Lovely'Henae, skygoldsworthy, MaddieLovesEclare, MelissaIsLame, deena, Julsgracie, CheapNovelty, Michelle-Chambers1, musiksnob (your reviews are always so insightful! And the physical aspect of their relationship will be dealt with, don't worry), iloveeliandclare, ToDecember, Cool Person, meandthatperson, StalkerAngel, and EpicNinjaChica. Where is my other fab reviewer ilovetaylorswift 13? Hope you are still out there!**

**Also, one of you asked me for personal advice but left me a totally anonymous review (this was a few chapters ago). I'm not going to answer so publicly, so leave me a way to contact you and I will get back to you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make. **

**Imogen's POV**

I was pleased that the conference was going well and I was just about to head up to my room so I could plan for the Open Space workshop that I would be leading tomorrow morning when I decided to just check in with Eli before I'd head up, because I knew he wouldn't be staying here for the night. And no matter what excuse he'd give me, I knew it was because he was too scared of having his roommate witness his nightmares. I felt really bad for Eli, but I had also seen what happened to the Canadian and American troops at the German hospital when doctors tried to push them into talking about things they were not ready for, and I really didn't want to do that to him. As worried as I was, I didn't want to make things even worse for him. I had a feeling he hadn't told Clare – I noticed she wore a purity ring so I doubt they spend their nights together – because he was really protective of her, and part of me thought he should just tell her. She might be able to help him.

I was just about to head into the room in which he had been running his grant writing workshop all afternoon when I hesitated, as through the glass door I could see Clare approach him, and she looked all…prickly.

Eli, on the other hand, looked ecstatic to see her. I knew it was torture for him to only be able to see her at little intervals throughout the day, and he also looked pretty tired.

He leaned in to kiss her as she got closer, but she pulled away at once. I had never seen her do that before. _Uh oh_.

"Everything all right?" he asked, with a look of concern on his face.

"Do I even deserve to be here?" she replied, and Eli's look now changed to one of confusion. She continued, raising her voice at him as she said, "I know about your e-mail. The one you wrote to the Foundation when they were trying to choose between me and Wesley".

Oh, that. I remembered about that as well, but why on Earth was she so angry? It was such a touching e-mail, and I had no clue who they were back then, and even I thought so. The answer to that dilemma isn't a surprise, and she should know that well because when she came off the bus she did so with that Wesley kid, so they both obviously made it. Why was she reacting like this?

Eli didn't seem too worried though, he was stuffing some papers into a binder and he said, "Oh, yeah - that whole discussion was so dumb, all this self-manufactured drama because of some only-one-kid-per-school formality that isn't even a rule," but then I saw a look of understanding flash across his face as he looked into her eyes. I wish I could understand this though…it made no sense.

Eli dropped his papers as all the blood quickly left his face and I saw his hands shaking. This was a side of him I had only even seen on that train ride, and only for a few seconds as he quickly composed himself. But now…now he just looked completely broken, totally destroyed, and Clare only had the coldest stubborn look on her face. What was wrong with this chick? I wanted to scream at her to not do this to Eli, not to mention why on Earth was this such a problem in the first place…but really, from the way he slept and now this…she shouldn't be taking him down this road. He needed to be reassured and calmed down right now, not spoken to cryptically.

I saw him slowly spread his fingers out and press them into the side of his dress pants and I _knew. I just knew. _That was a textbook calming down technique that the doctors would always teach the soldiers. Something about the awareness of their own body. I was now certain that Eli had had PTSD, but…he didn't seem to have it anymore so I was only more confused…and then I remembered that some of the soldiers that had been discharged way earlier than others had been diagnosed with 'PTSD leading to a psychotic break,' meaning that after they dealt with the repercussions of that psychotic break in therapy, in the eyes of the army they were fine, but sometimes slight PTSD symptoms would resurface. I knew this was happening to him know, and I prayed Clare wouldn't push him, or else I would have to intervene, and I knew Eli would hate having so many people know about what was wrong with him and being ambushed like that. When he tried to hide this issue from me on the train, I knew I couldn't really bring it up again for his sake.

His voice was raspy as he said, "No, my e-mail is _not_ the reason why you are here. The work you've done _is_ the reason you are here," and Clare seemed to understand a bit, but there was still a very detectable frigidity in her body.

"But Eli, why did you do that without asking me?" she slowly asked, but he only flinched in response. She continued, "I can't help but wonder if you were trying to get us together in the same space," and as Eli's face contorted into an expression of raw suffering, I knew that this argument on her part, however strange it seemed to me – what the hell was wrong with her for getting mad at him doing such a nice thing? – was the worst thing she could have said. Eli was at his breaking point and I was scared for him.

He just bent down to pick up his papers, finally managed to get them into the binder and he whispered, "Got it. Point taken," and started walking towards the door. I quickly jumped into the adjacent room as I didn't want him to know I had been listening to all of this. I then watched him head towards the staircase – _Um, Eli, our rooms are on the seventh floor_, I wished I could tell him. A few minutes later Clare came out, looking all confused and sad. This was beyond strange. What was going on here?

**Eli's POV**

_Why did you do that without asking me? You were trying to get us together in the same space? You're messed, Eli. You're a sociopath who likes to jerk people around and hurt them. My parents just have to deal with the fact that I have a big, scary boyfriend. I talked to Fitz…this morning. Fitz apologizes, and that's all you have to say? That's…disturbing. Just…try not to kill me all right? If you don't like it, don't come. We're going, Eli, what more do you want? You're pressuring me because you're not over Julia. Stop it! You're suffocating me! What's so funny about bringing a gun to school? I think it's time for us…to let go of that promise. Spring is coming… I HATE the hearse! We NEED TO break-up. We're not meant to be together!_

Every stair brought a new line to my mind, and I didn't even realize I had made it all the way to the seventh floor until after I scanned my key card and was met by a very nervous-looking Wesley on the other side of the door.

"H-Hi, Eli. Are you all right? You're breathing so hard, practically hyperventilating," he pointed out.

"I'm fine, I just took the stairs," I told him.

"Wow, to the seventh floor? That's impressive," he responded, but I didn't feel like sitting here and making small talk with him. I was only here to get my stuff.

"Hey, Wesley, I'm not actually staying here tonight, I have some things to do in town, so you have the room all to yourself tonight," I told him, and I saw a look of nervousness flash across his face.

"I know you don't like me…" he started, but he had this totally the wrong way. I neither liked nor disliked him, we hadn't ever interacted much.

"It's not that at all, man, I just need to get away for a bit," I honestly told him, but he didn't seem to be listening to me as he just continued, "and I get it, I know it's weird for you because of all that stuff that happened with me and Clare, all that touching…" he trailed off, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What?" I blurted out. "What stuff? What _touching_?" I snarled, getting closer to him and now I could tell that he w_as _definitely scared of me.

"Hey, she gave _me_ that hickey, and when I put my hands on her…chest, it was all a big misunderstanding," and my eyes widened and I thought my heart would stop at any minute. _Clare gave Wesley a hickey? He touched her boobs? _Was I living in some sort of alternate universe where Clare's boundaries seemed to exist only for me? Because I sure as hell haven't done either of those things with her. Did she only put limits on what she did with me? Only because…she was scared of me?

I couldn't take this anymore, it was all too much for me, so I just started stuffing the few clothes I had out and about in my bag as I only wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible.

"Eli, it was all a big misunderstanding," Wesley kept repeating, and I told him in response, "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you," and I headed for the door, slamming it behind me.

I sighed when I saw that Imogen was outside my room, obviously waiting for me. _Great_. There was something we had forgotten to do for tomorrow after all…and I couldn't focus right now.

"Eli, are you all right?" she asked me. Why was that everyone's favourite question today?

"Never better," I responded. "What did we forget to do for tomorrow, I thought we got everything," I told her.

"It's not about work, I just…I'm a little worried about you, you seemed a bit sad earlier". What the hell, when had she seen me? She didn't say anything for a few minutes but then she added, "You know, if you need anything, Daniel and I are here. I can't thank you enough for bringing us together," she warmly said, and even if I was so happy for the two of them, I didn't want their happiness rubbed in my face right now.

I just muttered a quick "Thanks, but don't worry about it," and she asked me if I'm going back to campus now, as she knew I wouldn't be staying here tonight. I actually told her no, and shared my real destination with her. Adam is the best roommate ever, but right now I really needed a night of being on my own in order to get my bearings again. My mom was visiting my aunt in Hamilton and she had left hours ago, so my dad would be the only one at home, and he was never one for pressuring me to talk when I didn't want to. And I _definitely_ don't want to right now. All I want to do is lie down and hide under my covers forever. Were me and Clare over? I sure hope not, I meant it when I told her that I'll work at this every day…but that will only work if she wants it to as well.

**Clare's POV**

Where did he go? I don't want this to be the end of our relationship, or another huge break. I want to figure this out; because I'm pretty sure I am over reacting. But I need to know that Eli and I will be able to work things through…running isn't the answer, Eli. I couldn't exactly blame him for his reaction, though, and all I wanted was to see him so I could fix this.

I walked to his room, grateful that he had told me the number earlier, and Wesley opened the door after he heard my frantic knocking.

"Where's Eli?" I asked, pushing past Wesley.

"He left, saying he won't be staying the night here," Wesley nervously said. _No. He was so hurt that he decided he won't stay the night here? _

I didn't bother answering Wesley, I just slammed the door shut on my way out and phoned Adam.

"Adam, I need to talk to Eli," I said, not even taking the time to say hi to him.

"I'm great, thanks for asking," Adam sarcastically said, but he must have felt the panic in my voice as he quickly added, "He's not here, Clare. He sent me a text saying he's not coming tonight," and that just puzzled me. No duh, he's not coming home tonight, Adam, he's at the conference this weekend. That was the original plan anyway, before he decided to book it.

"Just call me if you hear from him, all right?" I said to Adam.

"Of course, but what happened?" Adam asked me.

"I just said something to him I shouldn't have, well no, that I should have, but I just went about it the wrong way," and I heard Adam sigh at the other end of the line.

"Clare, just remember…you and Eli have been through fights before. So this is your first one since you got back together, but it's nothing the two of you can't figure out," he told me, and I thanked him as I said a silent prayer that he would turn out to be right.

But after I hung up, I realized that _I can't fix things if I have no idea where he is!_ I knew he'd be back here at breakfast tomorrow to run everything with Imogen, but I didn't want to wait an entire night. Just as I was thinking of her, I saw her running from the room that looked to be hers towards me, holding a piece of paper in her hand.

She rapidly said, almost reaching Alli speed much to my amazement, "I know I shouldn't have been eavesdropping on your argument with Eli, but I swear I wasn't stalking, I just needed to make sure we were done for the night, and then I heard everything. So I ran to my room a few minutes ago, scanned through my inbox, and…you need to read this," she said, holding the paper out to me.

"What is this?" I asked her, puzzled.

"It's that e-mail Eli wrote to the Foundation when they were trying to decide between you and Wesley. None of it really meant anything to me at the time as I didn't even know much about the Foundation, not to mention about the specific people being discussed – I was only cc'ed as a courtesy on Harry's behalf because he didn't want me to feel left out of anything that had to do with the U of T chapter, but….just read it, Clare, all right?" she said, and I nodded my head. I really wanted to, she didn't have to try to convince me.

I could tell Imogen felt my need for silence as I slid down to the floor and began reading.

_Dear Harry and Centennial Foundation Selection Committee Staff, _

_ First of all, I would like to thank you for the honour of asking my opinionoin this matter. One of the most wonderful aspects of the Centennial Foundation is the trust and responsibility you place in its students. What other organization gives us a chance to retreat for three days in cities all across Canada and have a chance to reflect and connect with other students who have similar interests and are faced with similar challenges? _

_ It is true that I did graduate from Degrassi Community School last year, and more importantly, I do have a strong belief in regard to this dilemma. I would like to tell you a little bit about these two students from the perspective of just another ex-Degrassi student. My studies at Degrassi overlapped with both Clare Edwards' and Wesley Betenkamps' for a period of two years, as I transferred to the school before the start of my grade 11 year. _

_ Although I rarely interacted with Wesley, one did not have to do so in order to realize his intelligence, and his loyalty to the Degrassi Community. As we all know, sometimes things in high school are not so easy for students who are clearly very intelligent, but Wesley persevered through everything with determination and with a clear intent to do good for the school. He participated in many fundraising events, and even attempted to break a World Record. Although unsuccessful, the event he organized illustrated how much pride Degrassi students had in their school, and it was all highlighted due to his efforts. Nevertheless, it is Wesley's commitment to science that makes him truly remarkable; I wouldn't be surprised if one day, the world will owe a major scientific development to him, and much like the scientist who donated the polio vaccine to the world for free, refusing to put a patent on it, Wesley's genuine good nature will only enrich whatever projects he embarks on. Therefore, I believe that a Centennial Foundation Scholarship would be essential support to help him get there… and to help us all get there by extension. _

_ And in the case of Clare Edwards…I have a difficult time putting into words the amazing that this young woman is, and I believe all six of you are aware of my two majors, of my job, and of how much I just generally love writing. I have a hard time doing so because I believe that once every so often in a generation, a few people are born for whom the term 'role model' only encapsulates a pale sense of what exactly they provide for the rest of the people whose lives are invariably touched in the smallest of interactions with them. Individuals who…leave the rest of us in awe of how such kindness, selfless, and strength of spirit can even exist in a global community that now more than ever seems plagued with evil will, catastrophe and human destruction. Some individuals of this rare type can be found in the photos of the books of pages of history – there are no words to describe the intimacy of a gaze between Princess Diana and the orphan children for whom she would often provide the only affection they would ever get, or the comfort of a touch given by Mother Theresa to a terminally ill patient. _

_In a similar fashion, words fail when one tries to describe the kindness of Clare Edwards, but as they are the only weapon I've got, please indulge me in my attempt to do so. I was lucky enough to meet Clare from the start of my time at Degrassi, and despite the fact that throughout the years we have had our significant ups and downs, what is truly important is that no matter what happened in her life, her commitment to the things that she was passionate about never wavered. At first glance, I realize Clare's application might not look like it comes from a girl who has suffered hardship in her life – the economic status of her application does not match those of applicants from other socio-economic groups, but life has not been as easy and gently to her as it may initially seem. _

_When the strong Christian foundation that she had been raised on her whole life (as it is probably evidenced by her list of extracurricular activities with her church) came crashing down as she was forced to experience a truly painful family breakdown, Clare only continued to put others first. A list of all the activities she has done for the school, though impressive, does not amount to be the complete picture here, and I doubt that she talked about that in her application, because that's Clare Edwards for you – her own pain in the last that matters. All she ever wants to do is help others. In addition to having one of the things that her parents built for her for her entire life completely crumble before her very eyes in a matter of weeks, Clare also had extreme pain brought into her life by a peer whose darkness had been previously proven to eradicate some of the most powerful sources of brightness. But not Clare Edwards'. When everyone else had given up on this individual, who had severe traumatic problems, she was the only one to stand by him. Her kindness and unwavering care was what truly saved a person whose life might have turned out very differently today in her absence. _

_In her last two years at the school, she single-handedly organized one of the largest partnerships between a Canadian school and African orphanages, starting out with a small project one year and developing it so passionately to an enormous level the next. Day after day, everyone at Degrassi watched Clare would fight every bit of negativity in the school community fearlessly– whether it was bullying, staff members who ostracized students with special needs, the special challenges that came with standardized tests…whatever it was, she found a way to tear down whatever walls existed, and open the door to a patience, love, and understanding that is truly one of a kind in the entire world. When I read your organization's mission statement –" to empower young Canadian students to continue to develop the academic, personal, and professional aspects of their lives towards building a stronger and more united Canada "- I can only think of how there is not an individual more congruent with the full potential of those goals than Clare Edwards. Once Clare is in your life, she in your life forever, and a Centennial Foundation Scholarship would allow her the opportunity to truly bless the lives of many more; and my personal experience allows me to pledge that the truly lucky recipient in such a situation would not be Clare herself, but the individuals whose lives she will undoubtedly enrich, support, and maybe even…save. _

_ Therefore, I will not make a selection; I will not plainly e-mail you a name, but I would rather like to urge you to consider this – if these two individuals had happened to live on different sides of town and had consequently attended different schools – would this 'problem' even be a problem? Even the fact that they were both Degrassi co-valedictorians reflects our clean answer for this situation. Often, something becomes a tradition just because it is repeated a few years in a row; and while inclusion for all schools is a wonderful goal to aspire to, in this case I advise against it, as it would be detrimental to the Foundation's core values. I am confident that you will make the right decision. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Eli Goldsworthy_

_ Incoming U of T Chapter Co-ordinator. _

**Wow**. I had seen Eli's writing before, he had written me many sweet cards, and he had verbally told me how he felt about me, always calling me an angel, but….reading this felt even more intimate than all of those moments. Of course he thought I would never see it, but the picture Eli had painted of me in those paragraphs…finally allowed me to see myself through his eyes, I thought, as tears were stinging my eyes at my own stupidity. The date of the letter was June 1st of my grade 12 year – part of that long time period where Eli was consumed by keeping his promise to never bother me again. And besides, the Foundation had asked for his opinion – was he supposed to just not reply? Ugh, I had been so wrong.

I saw Imogen uncross her legs and she gently added, "His e-mail was…obviously very personal when it talked about you. It only really worried one staff member at the foundation, though, she said he was just trying to give this award to a friend. Harry knew Eli quite well at that point, however, and the Foundation actually did this horrible thing to him in order to figure out his relationship to you and if it biased what he said in his e-mail. I thought it was the dumbest thing ever, because his advice to give it to both people couldn't be clearer, but I wasn't even a co-ordinator at that point – no one would listen to me. And to be honest, I didn't really push that hard; I am way more interested in all of this now, when I know all of you; before, this kind of felt like spam in my inbox. Anyway, when Eli says in there that you've had your ups and downs…I thought it was pretty clear that…you were on a down at the moment. Anyway, Andrea, the girl who had her doubts in the first place, asked Eli if you were to get the award, would he mind going to Degrassi and delivering it to you on the day of your graduation, at your ceremony. Her argument was actually plausible because as the incoming U of T co-ordinator, it would have made sense for him to travel to his old school and give it to a student who was also coming to his new school now, but Eli said he couldn't possibly do that. We were all sitting in a meeting that morning, and the look on his face of sheer vulnerability as he looked at Harry, so obviously pleading him with his eyes to not make him do that…it kind of gave everyone the answer we needed. Eli had written that with complete honesty, you weren't just a buddy who he wanted to hand a windfall to," she told me, as a tear slowly made its way down my face now.

Imogen continued, "Clare…it's him, isn't it? The troubled person he mentioned in the letter?" and I nodded in response.

I managed to choke out, "He's not crazy, he's just been through so much…" and I saw a look of worry flash across her face.

"Clare…" she slowly started, "When Eli and I went to Montreal that weekend…I noticed something as I was just watching him sleep," and my heart froze.

"Y-You were watching him sleep? You…spent the night with him?" _Oh My God._

"WHAT! No - God no, of course not! Trust me Clare, Eli is the most devoted guy on the planet, he worships the ground you walk on. How can you even think he'd ever do such a thing? It was on the train, silly, he fell asleep on the train on the way there," she said, and I took a deep breath. I never thought Eli would cheat on me, but all the doubts about my vow and the emotion of reading this letter were making me a complete wreck.

Imogen shyly continued, "But…he wasn't sleeping restfully…Clare, that kind of sleep…I've only ever seen it once, but there's no mistaking it once you see it. I only ever saw it…in Germany, when my parents worked with soldiers who had post-traumatic stress issues," she said, and I felt my entire body tremble. The nightmare were a _regular_ thing? It's true that the morning I woke him up after he had driven us back from Mont Tremblant I noticed something was strange, but I had dismissed it as just a single occurrence. This had been haunting him for over two and a half years now?

Eli's troubles felt like such a private thing between just me and him that all I could do was just repeat what I had said earlier.

"Eli's been through a lot," I whispered. I needed to find him, and I needed to find him _now._ Then it occurred to me that I was sitting with the one person who might actually know where he was – if he would have told anyone, it would be his partner co-ordinator.

"Imogen, please," I whined, "tell me where he is," and she didn't show any hesitation as she said, "He went home for the night, as in his parents' house, not campus".

I gave her a quick hug before I began running down the stairs, only to be surprised when I was just about to head out the main door of the hotel at the sight of my dad just waiting there. Oh, right, he had said he would stop by during my free time in the evening to take me for coffee and a piece of cake as his law firm was right across from the Ramada. I really wanted to find Eli right now, but…maybe he needed some time to cool down, and time with my dad was so rare these days, so I made up my mind to just spend about 15-20 minutes with my dad. But not a second longer.

He looked a little shocked at my flustered appearance, but as we headed across the street and settled down at a table in the coffee shop, I explained everything to him. He didn't know as much about Eli as my mom, but he did know the entire plotline of everything that had happened. It was just a little more embarrassing to admit to my dad that I still had feelings for him when we had been apart, so I never had, I had only told my mom.

I handed my dad the e-mail, and just for an experiment's sake, I didn't tell him that I had already reached the conclusion that Eli wasn't trying to manipulate me. I wanted to see what my dad would say all on his own; he was a lawyer after all, and he was an expert at evaluating a situation based on different evidence, so I also told him what Imogen had said about the question of what to do on my graduation day as well.

My dad just gave me a smile and said, "Two things: one, I am glad to see that Eli knows how lucky he is to be your boyfriend, and it seems like he always did as he characterized you spot-on, and two, you should tell him that he would make a fine lawyer. This is a very sound and well developed argument on a complex issue that would sure be enough to convince me, and you know the reputation I have for being hard to please when it comes to accumulating sufficient evidence".

My daddy was right. _So right_, and I am sure he saw tears stinging my eyes, as he then said, "All right then, let's not drag this out any further, I can tell when boyfriend time wins over dad time and this is a bit of a crisis, so go back to the hotel and find him, sweetheart".

"He went home, to his parents' house for tonight," I sadly said.

"Well, okay, then – get in the car," my dad said as he jingled his keys. I was so happy that I hugged him and placed a kiss on his cheek as I said, "Thank you, daddy, thank you, thank you!"

Twenty minutes later, I assured my dad that I would call him if I needed a ride back. I saw that Eli's Jeep was here, and I gathered up all of my strength as I walked up the footpath and knocked on the door. _Please, please, let Cece be the one to answer_, I silently prayed, but I didn't get such luck.

I saw a look of realization cross Bullfrog's face as he saw me. It occurred to me that he might not let me see Eli, and that just wasn't an option, so I blurted out, "I know you don't like me anymore. I know you think I'll destroy Eli…again. But I never meant to do that in the first place, and I definitely don't mean to do it now. I know Eli and I are both very stubborn, but I will never hurt him like that again. I am not here to play with his emotions, that is the last thing I want to do. I love him, I really do, I love him _so_ much – and I only want for us to be able to figure things out," I continued, despite my voice breaking as tears streamed down my face, "so please…don't write me off just yet. I need your help, I need to see Eli," I started rambling, and I saw Bullfrog's expression soften.

I expected him to try to talk me out of seeing Eli, but he just stepped to the side and held the door open as he said, "Go ahead. He's upstairs….Clarabelle," and I was so excited to hear him use that affectionate nickname for me that I gave him a quick hug and whispered "Thank You," before running upstairs as fast as I could.

I knew I was making a lot of noise and Eli would probably know I was coming, but I didn't care much about that as he couldn't avoid me now. I urgently opened the door to his room, and it created a current with another open door, creating a loud bang as the other door closed. Oh, whatever, I thought, I just wanted to see Eli.

And I quickly did…but the image wasn't what I expected at all. I expected him to be angry, or sad, crying even, or hiding behind his large headphones, but instead, he was in bed. Specifically, he was in the very far corner of his bed, his back and entire body pressed as far back into the headboard as possible, as he held his sheets in a desperate clutch to his chest as it was rising and falling unlike anything I had ever seen before. His breathing was erratic but so powerful that it seemed to shake his entire body and his gaze was fixed forward, moving abruptly after a second as he took in my presence. I saw him squeeze his eyes shut when he saw me, and I realized that the loud noise I just created had woken him up from a nightmare. It was as if he was afraid of everything around him, and he just cowered in the corner of his bed, but he was almost gasping for every breath as his chest was moving up and down with these wild vibrations. Is this what it was like for him every night? Dear God, how is it possible that I didn't know about this for so long?

I could care less about the whole episode with that e-mail in this moment…Eli had been dealing with these nightmares on his own for so long now that all I wanted to do was just pull him through them just this one time. I had no medical training in this area whatsoever, but this was _my_ Eli and I knew how to comfort him. I didn't need some stranger telling me how to get through to him.

I didn't say anything to him but I just quickly scrambled onto the bed next to him, placing one of my arms around his neck and my other hand directly above his heart, so I had him in somewhat of an embrace as I leaned my head to rest against his. The speed of his heart completely terrified me; I had been with him in some terrible moments, but I had never ever felt it beat so fast. I was really worried that something truly horrible might happen to him if I couldn't get it to slow down. I just pressed my body up against his as much as I could and I ran my hand in circles over the area of his heart. His chest was moving up and down so powerfully that it was moving my entire body as well, so I just whispered to him, "We need to slow this –" I said, while gently keeping my hand over his heart, "down a bit, love," and his gaze met mine but it still wasn't working. I ran my other hand through his hair, repeatedly pushing his bangs back, and decided to keep rubbing circles over his heart. Should I take his shirt off? Considering we had never done that before, it might only make him more nervous, so I decided against it. I saw his hands slowly let go of the bed sheet, and I thought that was a small victory for us, so I just kept up my movements as I leaned in his ear and just whispered a series of "I love you"s and "I'm right here. Just hang onto me."

About ten to fifteen minutes later, his heartbeat was back to normal, his breathing was regular, but his face was the reddest I have ever seen it. I knew he was mortified that I had found him like this, and I just wanted to reassure him that it didn't scare me and that I'm not going to run away this time.

I cupped his cheek with my hand, and I told him, "Eli…I love you…_every single_ part of you," repeating what he had said to me on a different occasion.

I felt a small whine escape his lips involuntarily, and he then said, "I don't know why; all I ever seem to do is manipulate you, even when I am trying so hard to keep my promise of staying away from you," he said, and now he really was crying; a slow tear made its way down his cheek.

I wiped it away and told him, "I love you because you are the most amazing and caring person I know, silly. We're a team and you're my best friend. I'm so sorry I over reacted about that silly e-mail thing. But…you left before we could even talk about it. I didn't mean that you were manipulating me, but I was a little shocked, you should have just explained everything to me," I pointed out.

Eli took a deep sigh and he just looked so…defeated, like a soldier who had spent entire weeks fighting an entire enemy army on his own and was only now finally giving up and resigning to his fate.

He told me, "What's the point, Clare? Sometimes I just feel like…" but he trailed off as he buried his face in his hands and I noticed they hadn't stopped trembling.

"Like what?" I encouraged him, gently tapping each ring on his hand before moving his hands away from his face. His eyes were so bloodshot and so red.

"Like…you always listen to other people before you'll listen to me, your boyfriend. Whether it's Fitz, or Alli, or whoever else it might happen to be…why does what those people have to say always come before what I have to say to you? Before what is ours? Why…don't you trust me, Clare?" he softly said, and the pain that accompanied every word told me this was something he had been struggling with for a long time. I could tell how he saw it this way, so I needed to explain something to him.

"Eli…I hold you to a different standard than _all_ of those people, _because _you are my boyfriend who I love so much. I just wish…we could agree to talk things through like we are doing now. Do you think we can do that?" I asked him, and he nodded in response, adding "I know we can."

He then shyly asked, "So that's why you do that?"

I replied, "Yes, because _you_ are special," and tapped his nose lovingly before I scrambled into his lap and gave him a proper kiss. His face was so hot and his lips were a little salty from his tears, but I never wanted to pull away. I felt him sigh, and I just moved my body lower and rested my head on his chest.

"Clare?" I heard him say.

"Yes?" I quickly replied.

"I would have taken you to that dance, you know. If…you would have said you wanted to go with me, I would have taken you. I would have…done anything you wanted me to," he softly sighed, and then he bitterly added, "But then again, that kind of seemed to be my problem, didn't it?"

I hated how he was still beating himself up over this; no wonder he still had these nightmares. I gently added, "I know you would have taken me, and I'm sorry I was so rude and ungrateful for how kind you were being and how much you were trying to fix everything. I ruined your first publication, a moment that should have been so special and so joyous. Not to mention, I was also ungrateful for how you credited me with it, too. Eli, we both have regrets," and I bushed his bangs back so I could see his green eyes absorbing the fact that he wasn't the only bad guy here. He kissed my cheek in response, and I knew he had understood my point.

But there was still a huge elephant in the room that we needed to deal with. "E-Eli…these nightmares…they're really bad," I pointed out.

I looked up and I saw that he was really embarrassed, so I placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. "How long have they been going on?" I asked, but I am pretty sure I knew the answer to that quite well.

I intertwined the fingers of our right hands together and he took a minute before he answered, "Um, ever since the night that I crashed Morty," and even though that is the answer that I expected, hearing it was not any easier.

"What did Dr. Sadler say about them?" I asked him.

"She kept track of the dates of them for a while, but then she explained to me that while what happened to me was post-traumatic stress leading to a psychotic break and that in our time together we had dealt with the causes of the psychotic break and I learned coping techniques for the stress….the nightmares might be something that I will have to live with for a long time, maybe even for the rest of my life," he shyly admitted.

"And…do they happen every night?" I pushed.

"They didn't used to, but lately they have been. This one was so much worse though, that's why it took me so long to recover. And I couldn't tell you why, it doesn't really follow any pattern. But whatever, Clare, it's fine, not a big deal," he said, trying to shrug it off.

"Do you think you could maybe just tell me what this one was about?" I gently said. Why was tonight's that much worse? Because it was the night of our first argument?

"They don't make any sense," he mumbled, but I pleaded with him again and I saw he couldn't resist my request.

Eli slowly started, "Ugh, I warn you it's weird and it doesn't make much sense…but tonight…I saw what I usually do, which is a really messy distorted version of that argument we had on the phone, but it's all interspersed with images of the car crash. That's when I usually wake up, after all of that, but tonight…." he said, pausing to take a deep breath.

"Yes, Eli?" I gently encouraged him.

"Tonight…it was like…after the car crash, I didn't have any casts or anything…I was all fine at this beach bonfire that a lot of people from Degrassi were there at too, including you. You had these sparklers in your hand and you were so happy, giggling and dancing around with them, and I was just watching you from the bonfire, but it was like…no matter how hard I tried to get you to meet my gaze, you eluded me. I thought at one point that I saw you, and I tapped your shoulder, but then when you turned around you weren't you anymore, just some random girl that looked like you. Then I kept walking around the beach looking for you, and I saw you hold the sparkler between you and some other guy…sparks flying between the two of you. And then I could finally call your name, but it was like…not like you couldn't hear me, but like you didn't want to hear me, you were ignoring me as you were laughing and dancing around…and I kept calling and calling, but nothing happened, and…that's when I woke up," he finished, out of breath by this point.

"Oh, Eli," I sighed, "I'm…right here…and I can hear you, and I can touch you," I said, giving his hand a small squeeze, "and I can kiss you," I said, giving him a tender and gentle kiss, and "I'm not leaving your side because you are my best friend and my boyfriend, and not all the sparklers in the world would be enough to illustrate how many sparks fly, and will continue to fly between us two," and I was glad to see that my words must have brought him some form of comfort as his lips slowly formed a smirk.

I locked my gaze with his and asked him, "Is this why…you weren't going to stay at the hotel in the first place?" and he nodded, looking so ashamed. I needed to know something else, though, so I pursued, "Why didn't you tell me about this before, Eli?"

He quickly answered, "I wanted to, I really did, but it didn't come up that first night in the Japanese garden and then…I just didn't want you to worry," and the look on his face of complete vulnerability told me he was being honest.

"Eli…I'm all in, you know. I want to know everything," I told him in a strict tone, and he just silently nodded.

"Clare…do I pressure you?" he blurted out all of a sudden. What? Where was this coming from now?

"What?" I asked him incredulously.

"Physically. Do I pressure you, you know, like am I too rough with you too or too intense or too eager that it makes you…not really want to be with me that way?" he clarified.

"Um, Eli, it's actually kind of at the other end of the spectrum. Sometimes…I seriously think about breaking my vow with you," I admitted. The last thing I wanted him to do was be even more hesitant around me.

"That doesn't make any sense," he then said.

"Why not? I know I shouldn't have those thoughts….but sometimes I do," I honestly told him.

"Did you have them with Wesley?" he exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" I retorted.

"With Wesley, I mean, you…gave him a hickey and let him…feel you up," he said, jealousy steaming from his every pore.

_Damnit, Wesley. You get one night – no, not even that, more like a few minutes - to room with another guy and you start a brag fest? _

"Eli, I never dated Wesley," I told him in an effort to reassure him, but then his eyes only got wider. _Uh oh_.

"No, Eli, it wasn't like that! I'm not random like that," I told him, and I proceeded to explain the misunderstandings. Eli looked relieved when I was finished but it was still obvious that he wasn't impressed with the whole situation.

I needed to ask him one thing for my own conscience though. "Um, Eli, is Wesley…still alive out there somewhere?" I said with a giggle, knowing Eli wouldn't really hurt him. I knew Eli could tell the difference between people like Wesley and people like Jake.

"I didn't do anything to him," he told me and I couldn't help but giggle again.

However, I did have a serious question for him. "Eli, does it bother you…that Wesley…I don't know, like, got further or something than you?" I shyly asked.

"Yes, definitely yes," he immediately said, "but not for the reasons that you think. Your body is not a competition ground for me and other guys, at least not in my view anyway. It just bothers me that both of those events were like…strangely accomplished, you know?" he asked.

"I know," I sighed, "it kind of bothers me too. But…" I hesitated, "maybe you can help me change that…sometime," I quickly added.

His eyes got wider and I noticed that he rather quickly moved me off of his lap and gently laid me next to him on the bed, pulling the blanket over his own body, up to the level of his bottom ribs. It was times like these that I felt really bad that he was always so sweet about everything when I knew it must be slowly killing him.

"Um, Clare…we…don't need to…rush. I don't want to…pressure you into…the slightest thing," he was nervously explaining.

I could feel my cheeks blush as I said to him, "Do you think that…when the time is right, we'll…just know?" and I could tell that Eli knew I was embarrassed because he started patting my curls down gently in a soothing manner.

"I think if we talk about it, we can figure this out too. Just like everything else," he said, flashing me a reassuring smirk. "But…" he started, and this time he was the one to twirl my purity ring. "…so important," was all he managed to get out.

"I'm not saying…doing _that_," I quickly clarified and I was glad to see Eli didn't look disappointed, but he just kept patting my curls down. "But maybe…ugh, I don't know," I told him, hiding my face in his shoulder.

"Hey, hey, it's all right, sweetheart. We don't have to figure everything out tonight," he whispered. "I'll drive you back to the hotel," he said, but I pleaded with him, "Just five more minutes," as I didn't want to leave the comfort of just being with him in his high school room again. I saw a huge smirk spread across his face in response as he leaned down and placed a kiss in my curls.

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	27. Only You Can Love Me This Way

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for your lovely reviews, I hope you continue telling me your thoughts on each chapter because it makes me so happy to see them!**

**Let's go on with the story and see what else happens in Clare's 1****st**** year/Eli's 2****nd**** year at U of T!**

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**Clare's POV**

"C-Clare? Can I talk to you for a minute?" I heard a very nervous Wesley ask me. I think I knew what this would be about. I gestured for him to sit on the chair next to me – not the one I was saving for Eli, but the other one.

Wesley obeyed and I politely asked him, "Did you have a good night last night?"

He nodded somewhat shyly and then he said, "That's kind of what I want to talk to you about, you see. I think I said something to Eli last night by accident that made him worried," but I held up my hand at this point because I didn't want Wesley to continue further and repeat what had happened between us…yet again. It was embarrassing enough that Eli knew, and I could tell it had made him really unhappy.

I quickly said, "Wesley – don't worry about it. I made everything clear with Eli, really, it's not a problem," and he looked so relieved once I told him that.

A few minutes passed and then we saw Eli and Imogen come up to the podium, and I was happy to see that Eli didn't look too tired from the ordeal that he had been through last night. He did have bags under his eyes, but they were not really big, and he looked like his normal confident self, standing there in his nice black blazer as Imogen greeted everyone and ran through the schedule for the final day of the conference. Eli then came to the microphone to share some last minute logistical details about everyone's return trip home. He started with the most northern regions of the province and ended with a reminder to the U of T students that our shuttle would be waiting for us right after lunch, and as he said this, he locked his gaze with mine and flashed me a smirk, his green eyes shining playfully in my direction.

After they finished all the announcements, Imogen and Eli came to sat down in the seats that I had saved for them and I noticed Eli and Wesley exchanged quick greetings, and there didn't seem to be too much unpleasantness between the two. Wesley finished his breakfast before everyone else, and once he left I decided to just make sure everything was okay with Eli in this category but before I could say anything, I felt him grab my hand under the table and he intertwined our fingers, ultimately resting our hands on my leg, just above my knee. I smiled in response and I felt Eli's breath in my ear as he said, "Was he putting the moves on you?" but Eli's humorous tone told me that he was only playing around. I decided to whisper in Eli's ear in return, telling him, "Eli, everything that happened at Degrassi before you came and swept me off my feet isn't important". I knew my ego-stroking strategy would work as Eli now let go of my hand and placed his on my lower back, encouraging me to stay close to him as he whispered back, "_You bet_ I swept you off your feet," looking very pleased with himself.

I decided to just let him have this particular victory…he could use it after the night he had. Yet, what really worried me was the thought that that horrible routine that I only really witnessed once was something Eli suffers through night after night after night. All on his own. This was no way to live. How could Eli ever escape that horrible night if it returned and haunted him every night in his dreams? And his other dream…the one about me running around with sparklers on some beach as all I seemed to care about was some other guy and never even acknowledged Eli's presence…I knew dream interpretation was a shady thing, but I couldn't help but wonder if this reflected Eli's insecurity over the possibility of me leaving him again. Because the circumstance of that dream...me with a different guy just having a fun, light-hearted time…it sure sounded a lot like my choice of entering a relationship with Jake after Eli's car crash. I needed to let Eli know I wouldn't do such a thing again, and more importantly, I know Dr. Sadler's professional opinion was that Eli might have to suffer with these nightmares for the rest of his life, but…I can't help but wonder if _there is_ something I can do to at least reduce their frequency. There _has _to be.

The rest of the conference went by pleasantly and really quickly as I went to two other workshops in between lunch, and then over that last meal of the weekend, we listened to Harry give a warm thank-you to the U of T chapter for hosting such a wonderful event, and Eli and Imogen came up to the microphone to thank everyone as well, and they gave gift baskets to all the workshop presenters. I thought that next year I would like to run a workshop at the regional meeting, as I really enjoyed getting to hear all about what other students were doing and I think some others might be interested in hearing about ways to help the African orphanages.

Right after I handed my key card to the receptionist at the front desk of the hotel, a wave of sadness overtook me at the thought that I wouldn't be heading back with Eli – him and Imogen had to stay and have a final evaluation meeting with Harry, and I knew it would be taking place right now. Everyone else from outside of Toronto had already left, and the shuttle bus that was heading back to our campus was just pulling up outside of the hotel. I sighed, knowing there wasn't anything I could really do about it, but then I felt a warm pair of arms snake around my waist, and I let out a squeal of excitement as I turned to face my favorite pair of green eyes.

"Aren't you supposed to be in that final meeting?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"It's going to start any minute now," he replied, "but I just wanted to say bye to you before you head off," he added, and he moved a stray curl behind my ear. Since he had presented a workshop, Eli also received a gift basket from the Foundation, but he brought it with him and gave it to me, which was such a sweet gesture on his part. I noticed that by this point in the day, he did look exhausted. I pulled in a little closer to his embrace and played with the hair at the back of his neck, wishing he could just come back with me on the bus. I knew doing this last meeting would take all the energy he had left in him, but at this point, it already looked like all he really needed was a good night's rest – but then again, would he ever really be able to get that?

"Eli," I whispered, "Finish your meeting quickly so you can get some rest, okay? You put on a great conference," I gently told him, and he nodded in response.

"Thank you, Clare. For…everything this weekend," he shyly said, and I _knew. _I knew I had to find a way to get these nightmares to end, or at least not happen every single night. Eli's schedule at university was already so jam-packed. He was doing a double major, working for Big Brothers, and while it is true that organizing the regional meeting was the biggest job he had in his capacity as a chapter co-ordinator and that was over now, he still had all those chapter meetings to run. It would be difficult for anyone to keep up with such a schedule, but Eli didn't even get the chance to get peaceful rest. He has supported me so lovingly in all the time we've known each other, dating or not dating, many times from the sidelines when he was so concerned with that promise of his…now _I_ needed to be the one to pull him through something difficult this time, I thought as I gave him a sweet good-bye kiss and watched him walk away; he headed further down the hallway towards the hotel's conference room as I left the building and got on the bus.

I didn't see Eli over the next couple of days as we were both working on final essays, much like everyone else on campus, but on the Thursday night that I knew he would probably be madly finishing up his Canadian Lit essay, I texted Imogen asking her if we could meet for coffee. She seemed to know a little about the whole PTSD nightmare business, and I figured I could use all the information I could get. I didn't have time to do much research on the subject, but it all seemed to basically say 'tough luck on the nightmare bit, you're stuck with it forever, suckers!' That couldn't be it, and Imogen had seen this stuff in person a few times, so I was hoping she might be able to help me.

I soon saw her walking up to my table, wearing a gorgeous pair of dark skinny jeans, a blue stripy shirt, and a really pretty, soft-looking alpaca wool scarf. Her shiny leather boots made a noise with her every step – she was rushing as she was a little late – and then she quickly dropped her leather purse on the table, apologizing for her tardiness. We grabbed our lattes, and after a few minutes of small talk, I decided to dive right in.

"Imogen, I was hoping you could help me learn more about Eli's nightmares…I was with him when he woke up from one of them, and it was beyond intense. I can't believe he goes through that every single night, or almost every night," I told her.

"Did you spend the entire night with him? Was it just one time that he woke up and then went back to sleep or did it happen repeatedly throughout the entire night?" she quickly asked me, and I knew she wasn't trying to make me feel bad, but I could feel myself blush at her question.

I nervously managed to stutter out, "E-Eli and I….don't spend our nights together, so…I don't know," and I saw her look at my ring and she flashed me an understanding smile.

"Don't worry about it, that detail doesn't really matter," she empathetically said, and she nervously added, "And for the record, Daniel and I haven't done that yet either, and it will be some time before we even discuss it," and that did make me feel a bit better.

She continued, "But Clare, sadly I don't know if there is much that you _can _do for his nightmares. The doctors always dismissed the soldiers if that was the only symptom they had left, so I didn't see them after that. They would tell the soldiers that they might have the nightmares for a long time, you know," she said, telling me what I already knew.

I sighed and told her that's what Eli's doctor had said to him.

Imogen spoke up next though, softly saying, "But I do remember this one doctor – see, it's kind of inconvenient that my parents are surgeons; they don't actually deal with any of this stuff so everything I know is just random bits from other doctors who I would hang around sometimes – and this one doctor's research on PTSD I do remember quite clearly. She was working for the government trying to convince them to keep soldiers who had been formally dismissed because they only had nightmares left on support pay, arguing that it was still the responsibility of the country to look after them for a little while longer. But, she did find some soldiers who stopped having nightmares – but I'm afraid it was after a while, and the rationale she attributed to it was that those soldiers became really well adjusted back into their family lives, a lot were new fathers, and their days became so busy with other things that slowly the nightmares stopped," she said.

That was a bit encouraging…but Eli already had changed his life so much from high school. And…he had also mentioned that it's only recently that the nightmares had been occurring every night. He told me they didn't follow any pattern, but I couldn't help but wonder why they had been increasing so.

**Imogen's POV**

Ugh, how can I explain this to Clare better? Maybe if I told her…

"Clare, I think the reason Eli's nightmares are so bad now is that there's something that's still worrying him, maybe a recent development that is connected to the past trauma - that's not making them go away. And you have to remember, even if you identify that and deal with it successfully, he will still have them every now and then. I have no idea what happened to him, but I'm sure that it was bad if he needed professional help and just…by the look on his face on that train. You need to be patient with him," I told her, because I didn't like the way I had seen her push him back at the conference.

"The doctors would always remind new interns that people with PTSD can be hard to deal with, because most people don't know what to do around them, but all you should do is just soothe them and let them know you are there for them, and most importantly…don't make them feel like…" I was telling her, and I wanted to say freaks, but I chose a more delicate word, "they are strange, that their fears are unfounded, because they certainly aren't".

Clare nodded in response, and I thought of the best way of asking her something that I was pretty sure had to do with Eli's fears, but I also had a hunch he hadn't shared his full intentions of his relationship with Clare with her the way he had with me when he told me he wants to marry her someday.

"Clare, do you and Eli ever talk about…the future?" I gently suggested, and it was like almost immediately I could feel her put a guard up.

"Sometimes," was all she said, but I kind of didn't really buy into it.

I really wanted to tell her that when you have a guy like Eli or Daniel, you have to hang on to them, but I just couldn't. I liked that she had trusted me enough in order to confide in me, and I didn't want to ruin that. But I think I understood Eli's nightmares a lot better now, and I prayed Clare would understand this possible cause soon as well, mostly because if Eli's insecurities grew any larger…it's like…she needs to step it up and take care of it now, not later. Later might be too late. But it's not my place to tell her so, and all I can hope is that the hints I've given her are enough.

**Eli's POV**

After printing out and stapling my Canadian Lit essay and placing it in my clipboard, I grabbed my car keys and headed for St. Andrew's church downtown. I had promised Clare I could drive her back from an event the campus Christian students' society that she was a part of had organized there, as on Fridays I only had one class at 9am and Canadian Lit at 4pm, giving me a huge time interval. I did stay up pretty late last night working on my paper for that class, but I had always meant to finish it by the time the sun came up…didn't want to be totally rushing with it during the same day that it was due, figured the night before was enough of a rush.

She had gotten a ride back there with one of the professors that ran the association, but she had gladly accepted my offer to drive her back, and I quickly got there and noticed that she was sitting at a table outside the grounds of the church, with that Luke kid from Degrassi who had come to U of T and some girl who I guess was his girlfriend as they were holding hands. I mentally groaned – I didn't know this kid was in this club as well, he kind of didn't like me because of the things I said to him when he was feeding Clare all that crap about how Jesus' plan for included her parents' divorce or something like that. I didn't want Clare to buy into that, which she probably did anyway, so I pointed out the obvious to him at that time, and as I was walking up to them, his look told me he definitely remembered who I was and that his feelings towards me haven't really changed.

Clare's face lit up when she saw me though, and I took in just how beautiful she looked in her plain white dress, her cross necklace shining in the rays of the sun, and I was pleased to see that under it, the blue halo on the angel necklace I had given her was also capturing the sun's rays. She was clutching a Bible tightly in her hand, and her lips shone with a glossy pink hue, and her eyes seemed that much brighter in the sunlight. It was in this moment that _I knew_. _I just knew it_, and as much as I never really thought I'd be one to fully believe this, I just knew it was the right thing to do by her.

It wasn't the gold cross superimposed on the black cover of the Bible, or the silvery gold one framed by her delicate collarbone tips, or the slightly larger angel lying just below it…it was the look on her face as her gaze met mine; the way her eyes sparkled when they looked at me with…complete trust. And I just knew…the right thing to do here is to wait. The right thing to do was to chase all her fears about frustrating me away, because deep down I knew she had picked up on that and it was a big part of why she has been feeling so conflicted over her vow lately. The right thing to do was to reassure her and to tell her what I just realized. The right thing to do was for her to honour her vow. And hopefully…she would one day be honouring it with me. I couldn't just forget my confusion and frustration about those things that had happened between her and Wesley, but I could move past them and not be so angry that they did happen. Because the vision of perfection in front of me…she's my girl and I only want to do the right thing by her. It should be…the way she's always wanted it to be. I knew that no matter how much she loved me, no matter how well she internalized the belief, it would be so much better for her if it happened the way she has always thought it would. I've already messed up so many things for her, but this one…this one is really important. Call it insanity on my part, but…I would do this for her, because she was worth it. She was _so _worth it.

She quickly came up to me and gave me a chaste kiss, and I knew her mind ruled this decision as she was probably thinking we were so close to a place of worship and only a quick peck would be appropriate, and then she quickly giggled as she pulled away and ran her finger across my lips, wiping away the gloss that had transferred there. Not my fault she insists on wearing that pink liquid gloss…not that I'm complaining here. Its sweetness was like a manifestation of Clare's personality, and I loved her giddy amusement at seeing it on my own lips.

She politely re-introduced Luke and I and it turns out his girlfriend's name was Joyce.

I addressed everyone as I said, "Clare and I are going back to campus, if that is where you guys are headed, you should just come back with us," and Luke and Joyce thanked me and agreed to ride with us. Clare flashed me a beaming smile when she heard my proposition, and another one as I held the car door open for her. Once in the car I put the heat on as despite the fact that it was sunny outside, there was a definite Toronto chill in the air that was sure to be bothering Clare, and to be honest, I didn't care how my two other passengers felt about it. What mattered is that my girl was warm and comfortable.

I stopped at a red light, and winked in response to the little bashful look Clare sent my way; I knew she'd be too shy to play her little game with other people in the car, and I lightly chuckled at her cute little innocence. Sometimes I loved this part of her the most.

I dropped off Luke and his girlfriend by their residence, pleased Clare hadn't opted to stay in the Christian college but chosen Annesley instead. Who knows what kind of visitor rules that college had; and even though Clare came over to my dorm a lot more than I went over to hers as we'd often watch movies on the TV Adam and I had and because I just didn't want to put any added pressure on her, I liked that our dorms basically let you do whatever you wanted. We were adults after all, I didn't need a curfew or anything like that.

I drove to the parking lot that our two colleges shared and took Clare for a coffee and piece of chocolate cake in the dining hall, and she was excitedly telling me all about the success of her event, and I couldn't stop smirking lovingly at her, which I think she caught on to, as she asked me,

"You all right there, sport?" sarcastically.

I just reached for her hand and held it for a minute, thinking back to my earlier little epiphany. The look of complete trust had never left her gaze, and I never thought I would feel so at peace with…keeping an abstinence vow, because like it or not, I realized I was kind of on one from now on as well. I would tell her soon, just not in the dining hall, I thought to myself.

"Of course," I told her, "just thinking about how much I love you," I blurted out before my mouth could catch up with my mind. _Damn it!_ I couldn't tell her stuff like that, it would scare her, it would push her away, it would make her call me suffocating again, it would…

"Well, it's a good thing I love you just as much back," she immediately said, but I still couldn't shake off the jitters from my mind, even after we had said our goodbyes and I was sitting in my Canadian Lit lecture hall.

The prof came in and I decided to just snap out of it as I pulled out my essay and walked over to the front of the room where other students had started a pile. I added mine to the pile and let myself be absorbed by his lecture.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"…so the inclusion of the supermarket encounter between the two protagonists could also be used as evidence for the argument of the author's emphasis on consumerism in 1950s society," my Canadian Lit prof was pointing out before glancing at the clock and telling us we would be picking up on this point next lecture.

This class felt like an eternity; not only because it was my last one on Friday afternoon, but also because today was the day our essays were due. This had been my last final essay to hand in out of all my classes, leaving only final exams to deal with now, but it took me a long time to put my argument together and integrate it with that of the critics', so I ended up staying up really late last night. Then it got so late that I feared that if I went to bed and became overwhelmed by my nightmares, who knew when I'd wake up. And turning it in late was not an option, not only because that would be completely ridiculous because I just basically pulled an all-nighter to get it done, but because I knew I needed to get good grades, not just to renew my scholarship, but because I knew I'd be trying to get into a grad program after I finished by BA. This was something that had been on my mind a lot more lately, as is only really normal by second year though…talking to everyone else in my classes and at our U of T Centennial chapter…the future is something I need to be considering right now.

I would love nothing more than to be able to have a strong career in writing…that would be my dream come true, and it is good that I have been consistently been having my writing published, but I am quite certain that I would like to also get my Masters, and a PhD in English Lit so I could teach at the university. There is no way I would ever think of teaching any other age; I'm so not the teacher type, but being a prof I could really get used to, as it was about so much more than teaching, and I liked that. It would be a job based on writing and publishing and reviewing my favourite works if I manage to get into the correct specialization, and it would also be a job that would be very congruent with working on my own writing at the same time. I couldn't exactly be a prof in the Creative Writing department because in order to get one of those teaching positions, you had to already be a famous writer, but more importantly, I like teaching English Lit better and keeping my writing as just stories and novels to be read, not used as textbooks on writing – that would be kind of weird. Before I came to university, I always imagined just finishing my BA and possibly a Masters in English Lit and then going off and becoming a writer, but once I got here I realized that I like the environment here, where everyone cares about writing and literature so much, and I knew that having a stable career that also allowed and encouraged me to keep up my own writing would be…perfect.

Because there was this other vision of perfection that I have had on my mind lately, of a certain blue eyed, curly haired beauty, a few years older, in a white dress walking down an aisle towards me…and I knew that that vision required the corresponding effort on my part. I didn't allow myself to extend my vision to that of a home together because I had already lost her once, and the pain of losing her a second time after letting myself daydream so far down the road…it would be more than I could bear, I was sure of that. But to be…worthy of a possible future with her, I wanted…I wanted to be able to provide a certain stability for her. Not that she wouldn't be making an amazing career for herself, I'm certain she will, but…I don't think there's anything wrong with my desire to want to be able to properly look after her…and if I break my own rule for a second and do allow myself to expand my vision…I don't think there's anything wrong with my desire to want to take care of…a family, _my_ family.

When I first began to have these thoughts, I was a little scared. Clare had freaked out last time – at the thought of a future with me, and she never mentioned it these days, and I sure as hell was not going to bring it up. She would call me suffocating again, and I couldn't take that. I couldn't help but be completely torn though – I'm not the way I was in high school anymore, my vision of our future is no longer locking ourselves in a room and writing a novel together; I haven't even shown Clare any of my latest writing. And I'm getting older…is it so wrong for me to start thinking about setting up my life?

So I swallowed my fear one time and talked to Adam about this, and much to my relief he told me he didn't find it weird at all, and that he had the same thoughts about his future with Lana. Except the two of them had actually discussed it a little. I just couldn't do that with Clare…it might scare her away so badly that she might run again, just like she did in my nightmares, pretending to never hear me again. The feeling I would get when I would wake up from them…not quite sure if that had actually happened in real life for the first minute after waking up….I never wanted that feeling to become permanent. I loved Clare so much, and what she said to me when she was talking about Keith Urban and his wife was so beautiful and touching…but whenever I would wake up from those nightmares, all I could remember was…how real her leaving felt.

These were the thoughts rummaging through my brain as I grabbed a coffee and headed back to my dorm. The coffee was a necessary piece of armament as I knew I'd be spending the next few hours with a very nervous Adam. Tonight would be the first night that he would be spending at Lana's apartment, and even though we've talked about it pretty much ever since she invited him over there, and I gave him as much advice as I could, I knew there would probably be at least one more freak-out moment we'd have to deal with. It was a good thing my parents had to go to an event for the radio station tonight and couldn't make dinner, because all alone with this thoughts, Adam would probably just physically implode from all the stress he was placing on himself.

Much to my surprise though, he was pretty calm for the few hours before he had to get dressed and go; we just sat in our common room both doing course work. Adam and I no longer had any classes together as he was pretty much only taking Science classes, so he actually shared physics with Alli, but that didn't really affect our friendship. Around seven o'clock, he went to his room and got changed, and he came out looking a bit nicer than he usually did on casual dates with Lana, and I knew this was because he planned on surprising her with a fancy dinner.

As I walked him to the door, I saw the nervous look he was giving me, and I knew he wanted some reassurance and last minute advice, but that he was too nervous to ask me, so I just volunteered,

"Adam, everything will be fine. Just take everything slow, listen to her like you always do, and – don't doubt yourself," I emphatically said. I had told him a little about my experience with Julia, but…obviously there was a pretty big difference between anything I had experienced and what awaited him.

"You really think…everything won't freak her out?" she shyly asked.

"Dude – it's not like it'll be a surprise," I said, and I was happy to hear him laugh in response.

He then said, "Thanks, Eli. Um, have you and Clare, discussed maybe…I don't mean breaking her vow, but maybe doing other things?" and I could feel myself blush as I just shook my head.

"No, we haven't, I don't want to mess anything up," was all I said, wanting to get off this topic. "So, just remember - don't get yourself so nervous that you'll make her uncomfortable. She's your Lana, you know her best, and I know everything will be better than fine," I repeated to him, and I was happy to see a smile spread across his face before he left.

I really hoped everything would be fine for him, because if something happened that upset him…I'm not sure he could handle it. But I wasn't really worried, because I knew Lana, and she was the best person at dealing with Adam's insecurities, even better than Clare and myself, so I knew this would be no exception.

After Adam left I picked up Clare as we had arranged to have a date night tonight, and I took her to the art gallery downtown because they had an exhibition there with paintings from the Amsterdam museum by Dutch masters that she had mentioned once, and the tone in her voice had told me she really wanted to see it. I found it interesting as well, but I could tell the whole thing kind of thrilled her a lot than it thrilled me.

We were now driving back to campus, and Clare was playing her red-light game again, much to my delight. This was _definitely _my favorite car game, I thought as I caught a whiff of her sweet lilac perfume as she pulled away from me.

"Eli, do you want to watch some TV for a while? And I could also show you my article?" she shyly asked, and I told her I would love to. It was Friday night, we had both finished all of our final essays, and I knew we wouldn't see much of each other during finals other than for study sessions. Finals were a stressful time, and this would be Clare's first round of them, so I wanted to make sure to give her lots of space but also be here if she needed help with anything. Clare had also joined the student paper, and she told me a large part of it was because of how much fun she had in their office on the day of her tour. She also told me that my friend Mathew, who had returned to U of T for a Masters in Journalism, had let her write an article without any kind of pre-test, telling her that if she came on a recommendation from me, he was sure she could handle it. My heart swelled to hear that I was able to make her so happy…all those things I did in our time apart – I never meant them as manipulative, and they weren't, because if I wanted to manipulate her, I wouldn't have done them anonymously…I just…liked seeing her happy. That was all there was to it, and I was glad to see that after that entire e-mail ordeal, she seemed to understand that.

We entered my dorm and Clare settled on one of her romantic comedy movies – this time she wasn't lucky enough to find a Reese Witherspoon one – but I happily obliged as she snuggled into my lap, and I could feel my eyelids drooping…obviously due to the fact that I had practically never gone to bed last night.

**Clare's POV**

I could feel Eli's chest fall at a slower pace only about fifteen minutes into the movie, and the hand that he had draped around my waist fell to my thigh instead, and I knew he had fallen asleep. My heart ached a little for him as I knew that he was up late last night writing his last final essay, and even after all that, he still insisted on picking me up from my church fundraiser. I didn't want to wake him up, but I slowly turned around to watch him sleep, and I was happy to see he didn't stir at my movement. He really did look exhausted; his head was leaning a little sideways as his nostrils flared and relaxed with each breath. I slowly brushed his bangs back, and he did stir a bit, but immediately readjusted his head slightly, never waking up. I was so happy to see that he looked so peaceful in this moment, and I wished we could stay like this forever.

Imogen's question about the future had gotten me thinking, and now…my feelings on the thought of a future with Eli weren't what they were back in high school. What Imogen said made me realize that it's slightly unfair for me to judge the things Eli does now by his sixteen year old sick self – he had worked so hard to change, and he really had, I thought to myself as tears stung my eyes as the sight of the sleeping boy in front of me. But I knew bringing that discussion up with Eli would be hard…I knew how he was so hesitant to be perceived as clingy, or too into his feelings for me…the moment over coffee and cake was just an example of that. And…that made me feel really bad for him; whenever we were in the presence of Imogen and Daniel I knew Eli was a little envious of the way Daniel was able to tell Imogen so emphatically how much he loved her. And I knew Eli loved me that much as well, and I hated that my behaviour had him so scared of the best way of telling me.

I turned back around, still lying all snuggled into Eli, to look back at the movie, and I did so for about the next thirty minutes, until I noticed that all of a sudden, his breathing started to pick up erratically, and his hands were twitching.

_Please, God, no, not again. Why can't he have just a few hours of peaceful rest? _There was something I did want to try, and that was part of the reason for why I wanted to come to his dorm tonight, but I would have been much happier if he never had to live through these nightmares in the first place. His chest was _definitely_ rising and falling abnormally now, and I quickly turned around when I heard these really painful whimpers coming from him. He was tossing his head side to side, and I knew I had to be careful about not waking him up too abruptly and that I would have to be prepared to deal with him all distraught when he did wake up. I could see some tears forming in the corners of his eyes, and he was starting to mumble something…dear God, this was _so_ bad. I knew I should wake him up before he works himself into an even worse frenzy…but maybe if I knew what he'd say, maybe that would help me figure out whatever fear was plaguing him in this violent way.

Was he…calling my name? He definitely was! But what else was he saying? _I know you…you don't like…how I make all these plans, how I talk about forever…but don't go…please don't go. Clare! Why can't you see me? Can't you hear me? Clare? Put the sparkler down…_

So he was having that beach dream again, I realized, and I froze as I heard him use the very expression I had told him. _You make all these plans…talk about forever…_

More tears were pooling at the corner of his closed eyes as tremors overtook his body, and I knew I had to wake him up now. Instead of jolting him madly, I just decided to push his bangs back, wipe the tears away from his eyes, and place a loving kiss on his lips.

After I did all of those things, I saw his eyes slightly open and he confusedly said, "C-Clare? Y-You're here," and he exhaled deeply.

I flashed him a warm smile, so I could let him know that I was not scared of him, and I softly told him, "Of course I am, Eli. Of course I'm with you," and I grabbed one of his hands and intertwined our fingers. I kept pushing his bangs back with my other hand – they were all sweaty now - and after I stopped doing that, I moved my hand to his chest, right above his heart, and sure enough it was beating really quickly.

"I'm sorry," he said, his face all red and a look of deep shame etched across it.

"For what, silly?" I asked him playfully, tapping my hand against his chest over the location of his heart.

"For…being this…broken, damaged thing," he said, hanging his head low.

My heart broke to find out that this is how he saw himself, so I immediately placed one hand under his chin and lifted his gaze to meet mine. I gave him a slow kiss and I felt tears coming down his eyes as our faces were pressed together. I softly, but assertively told him, "You're wrong, Eli. You're not like that at all. You know what you are? You are my rock. You always have been," and I felt him sigh before the smallest of smirks spread across this face.

He pulled back a little from me though, and his smirk was replaced by a look of sheer worry as he said, "But…I've done so many bad things".

I cast him a gentle look and said, "You've done a few. But you've also done many more wonderful things, Eli. Those things outweigh the bad things by now. And this nightmare thing…we'll figure this out together, okay? We'll solve it, we'll find a way out of it, we'll fix this too," I told him, repeating what he had said to me at Mont Tremblant in reference to how things were going to get better.

"What if…it never does get any better? Or maybe it gets even worse? I'll never be able to travel anywhere; I couldn't even have a roommate at that meeting, and I can't even…watch a movie with you," he said, and for the first time, I saw the fear in his eyes when it came to these nightmares.

I immediately wrapped my body around his and told him, "It will, Eli. I promise you, okay? I promise you we'll figure out a way to make it better. In the future, me and you. We'll figure this out, I promise," and my words must have struck a chord with him as I felt him squeeze my shoulder gently as he let out a deep breath and said, "Thank you".

We just held each other for another minute and then he shyly asked me if he could see my newspaper article and I went over to my bag and grabbed it for him. I had written about cuts to the Education faculty, and it was really interesting to write for a news audience, and apparently I did well, because it was the first thing Eli praised about my article. I happily giggled at seeing he was so proud of my writing, and snuggled back into this lap as he continued reading the newspaper, but my heart froze as he was turning to one of the last pages…the sports headline read _U of T Blues Can't Get Past Queen's Gaels' Martin Striker Powerhouse, _and the photo of the soccer players showed a very disappointed U of T soccer team, while at the other end of the field, a team of boys in different uniforms were…lifting up Jake, who held a large trophy in his hands. There were also a few…sparklers around, probably to celebrate the victory along with bottles of champagne.

I knew Eli had seen the photo as his hands shook a little, and all of a sudden it finally clued in for me. _I know you…you don't like…my plans, how I talk about forever…but don't go…please don't go. Clare! Why can't you see me? Can you hear me? Clare? _

Eli's nightmares…he was scared of losing me again. He was scared I would walk away again…for another guy? He was scared he wasn't enough, that his love wasn't strong enough to make me stay? He was scared I would walk away and happily run into the arms of another guy. _Oh, Eli_. But this was so different…it wasn't in an obsessive, pressuring way…this was in a…logical way, as much as I hated to admit it. Eli had reasons to subconsciously fear this. I knew he had been deeply wounded by how I immediately turned to Jake after our break-up. Looking back, it all seems so…_insensitive_ on my part.

Eli was staring at the photo and I pulled the newspaper out of his hand and sat across his legs, looking directly into his eyes as I told him, "Eli, I love y_ou._ Not him, I never loved him. He was just…a mistake. A big mistake. I wasn't thinking straight," and Eli just sadly looked at me in return and he softly said, "I know".

I continued, "Eli…do you sometimes think that, I don't know…that I'll get bored with you, or will decide not to be with you anymore and I will just…walk out?"

His voice was raspy as he answered me, "As much as that saddens me, it's not exactly…what worries me. We're young, I understand we might break up," and I just pushed his bangs back softly trying to encourage him to continue as I noted that comment is something the old Eli never would have internalized, "What worries me is that…you might do it…without giving me a chance to explain things. Because I'm sure I'll screw up things eventually, Clare – look at my track record, how can I not? But…I can't bear the thought that…you'll just leave, just like that," and I actually understood what he was saying, and it was an important point that he was making. He was scared I'd leave and then never cast another glance in his direction…like I did in his nightmares.

"Eli, _I won't_. I promise you I won't. I meant what I said to you about talking things through this time around," I told him, and he looked into my eyes so poignantly that I could swear he could see right through me in that moment, and he must have been able to gage my sincerity as he softly kissed my cheek and whispered, "I love you," in my ear.

"I love you too," I told him, and I really hoped that this new confirmation on my part brought him some type of comfort.

"When is Adam coming home?" I asked him, somewhat surprised he wasn't here yet; it was almost eleven o'clock.

I could tell something strange was up though, as Eli got all flustered and he even blushed as he said, "Um, he's not spending the night here tonight".

"Is everything okay with his family, did he go home?" I immediately asked, knowing that Adam didn't usually take as many trips home as Eli and I did.

Eli's blush only got more pronounced as he answered me, "Don't worry, they're fine, it has nothing to do with them. He's um, spending the night at Lana's," he said, and I realized why he was so hesitant to tell me this; he didn't want me to feel pressured.

"Oh, okay," I nervously stuttered out, "This is, um, it's the first time he's staying over there, right?" and Eli just nodded in response. I wondered if Eli…feels like, left behind in this area or anything like that. First the whole Wesley thing (why couldn't he have just kept his mouth shut?) and now this…poor Eli.

I saw him quickly gain his confidence back, though, as he said, "Clare, there's something I need to talk to you about…it's kind of on this topic". _Uh oh_. Had Eli finally had enough with my severe indecisiveness and all the mixed messages I have been sending him? Maybe _I _should have just kept my mouth shut about everything…

He lovingly gave my shoulder another squeeze, which calmed me down a bit, and he said, "I realized something today, when I picked you up from St. Andrew's. I realized that…while being with you…you know, _like that, _would be so amazing, there is one way in which it would be even more amazing," leaving me to wonder where he was going with this. He continued, "…if it happened the way you always thought it will…on our, errr I mean, _your_ wedding night," and he blushed furiously at his pronoun correction – though I liked the way he said it the first time much more than the second, "…what I'm trying to say here is that I see clearly now – let's honour your vow. Let's do it. Let's not be confused or doubtful or frustrated about it anymore – let's just honour it," he said, and I felt tears stinging my eyes at his sensitivity. He grabbed my hand and held my fingers as he kissed my purity ring…and this moment was so perfect and…it calmed all of my doubts and insecurities so much that I just really wanted to clarify something up to him.

I leaned in as close to his possible to his lips without actually touching them and I whispered, "E-Eli, part of honouring my vow is…being able to do…well, _that,_ on my wedding night, you know; it's like a sort of second part of it, if you will. I would love it…if…I got to honour both parts of my vow…with…with you," I softly breathed, and as soon as I was finished he quickly whispered, "That would make me the luckiest guy in the world, Clare," and he moved forward a few millimetres and captured my lips before I even knew what was happening. I eventually managed to pull myself together and respond, and it felt like all of his frustrations and all of my doubts were being melted away in this one single kiss. I had been completely sincere with him, because his comment that we were both young and the fact that he no longer just has blinders on that make him oblivious to the fact that we still have a lot to accomplish and a lot of work to put into our relationship made me realize just how well-adjusted he was now. This was the Eli I had always wished for him to be, and there was no fear in my mind anymore. Challenges would come, but we would both fight through them and hope to make it out together at the end of them.

And the fact that Eli basically just entered into an abstinence vow himself…is only another testament of just how much he cares for me. I pulled away from one of the best kisses of my life and tangled my fingers lovingly in his hair as I grinned at him, a gesture that I knew always made him melt a little. What Eli had said to me about my vow finally made me realize that the thing that would make me feel best would be indeed waiting, just like I always imagined, but it meant the world to me that he made such a suggestion. Would any other guy do such a thing? I've really known all along, deep inside, just how much I loved him, and I didn't think it was possible to feel like I love him more…but as I looked into slightly questioning green eyes, I knew just how lucky I was to be with him again…how lucky I was to be in love with my best friend. I felt my own breath get slightly shallower as I moved my legs to straddle him, folding them so my knees were against the couch as I towered over him a little and I immediately I felt his hands shaking against my lower back and I realized that…he was getting nervous.

I felt his breath hitch as he stuttered out, "N-no, j-just b-b-because Adam and Lana…n-no, i-it doesn't mean that you have to…feel like we have to go further," but I just held a finger to his lips as I assured him, "Shh…this has nothing to do with anyone but you and me. Just…a tiny bit further," I calmed him, and I knew I would have to take the initiative as he was way too weary of scaring me and…perhaps a little too nervous as well. I didn't want to do too much tonight, and I could tell he knew that and I felt so…safe and comfortable with him. I slowly moved his hands from my lower back to my thighs, and his breath also got shallower, matching my own. I knew he would be too scared to push my skirt up, and I was glad he didn't, as I liked the feeling of his fingers just massaging my thighs through the fabric. When my skirt did slide up accidentally, he slowly laid the fabric across my thigh, setting it back to its place, and I almost teared up at how that automatic reaction on Eli's part completely erased the last unpleasant memory of an individual I never wanted to see again from my mind. I leaned in and gave Eli a passionate kiss that he responded to immediately, and as I pulled away, I realized he had moved one of his hands to my hair, tangling it between my curls. I set one of my hands on his chest, and I could feel that his heartbeat was so rapid…but this time for a pleasant reason, I thought to myself, and I could feel my lips form into a smirk of my own. Eli leaned in and initiated a gentle kiss as my hands reached for the tie that was loosely thrown around his neck, and I struggled to unknot it and slide it off, and when I ultimately succeeded he pulled away, his green eyes shining with concern.

"C-Clare, w-we…." he started, but I silenced him with a kiss and leaned him further into the couch as I pressed my body against his, leading him to gasp in surprise. I felt his hands travelling up and down my back, and his fingertips sent shivers down my spine. I pulled away from his lips and I planted a series of butterfly kisses down his neck, and I knew he was a little in shock as I felt his hands stop moving and he was breathing quite heavily by now. I placed a more forceful kiss at the bottom of his neck, tugging at his skin a little and ensuring it would leave a mark as Eli let out a surprised gasp. I grinned a little mischievously as I pulled away and stared at the incredulous look on his face. His face was so flushed, so I could only imagine what my own looked like. His lips formed into a smirk, and he pulled me closer to him, wrapping his arms around my waist, moving my angel necklace to the side and reaching up and placing a soft kiss where the pendant usually lies, before he started a trail of gentle kisses all up and down my neck, and he whispered, "Don't worry, I'm not going to leave a mark," and I was happy to see that he knew I didn't really want to deal with the questions that that might produce. His touch was making my chest rise and fall erratically and I couldn't control the contended sighs that escaped my lips…and they only seemed to encourage Eli. He placed a series of kisses along my jawline before he captured my lips again, and I couldn't help but moan into the kiss, and I felt his lips form into a smirk for a few seconds. There was still something I wanted him to do though, so I gently grabbed his hands and as his gaze locked with mine, I moved them to the bottom of my shirt and slipped them underneath, trying to give him the hint that this was okay.

"A-are y-you sure?" he nervously said, and I silently nodded as I looked directly into his green eyes. I pushed my body against his as I continued to kiss him and I felt his hands slowly graze across my back as he was obviously trying to control the irregularity of his breath, not to too much success. Wherever his hands would travel, goosebumps would form on my skin, but he was being very slow and gentle, probably very aware that he was the first person to directly touch me like this. And I wanted him to be the last as well, to be the only one that I would ever share such moments with. I felt my own breathing get even shallower as his hands ghosted across my hips and stomach, but he never dared to move them higher. I moved my head a bit lower so I could leave a few kisses on his chest, glad that his dress shirt had the first few buttons undone, as I would not want to give him the wrong idea about how far this would go and unbutton it myself. I adjusted myself a little in his lap so I was facing him again and I whispered to him, "I-it's all right to go higher, I…I don't…" but I think he felt my hesitation, as he slipped his hands out from under my shirt and touched my chest over top of my shirt, causing me to arch my back into him a little as he gave me a tender kiss. His touch was amazingly overwhelming but so gentle at the same time, and I knew he would never do anything to make me uncomfortable.

"I love you," he whispered to me as he slowly pulled away, "and this was so amazing," he said, gently kissing my piercing, and suggesting to me the same thing that I was thinking. I knew we had to stop soon, because it was so easy to get carried away, to get lost in his touch, and going further right now would just be…too fast for me.

"I love you too," I told him, as he moved me a little, and I buried my face in the crook of his neck as he ran his hand up and down my arm and we both took a minute to calm down and regulate our breathing. I eventually needed a little bit more room to breathe though, so I just lay down lengthwise on the couch looking up at the ceiling, resting my head over Eli's legs as he gently ran one hand through my curls and grazed my side with the fingertips of the other.

**Eli's POV**

_Whoa_. Did that just happen? Was this a dream…I haven't had a pleasant one of those in years though, and as I looked down into the eyes of the amazing girl that had completely opened herself up to me, her chest rising shallowly up and down and her so flushed, I know that I wasn't dreaming. I didn't want her to feel ashamed or guilty – I knew we had only really crossed a couple of bases, but this was all new to her, and she was just so sweet and innocent that I knew she had really put herself on the line in initiating this little session. I gently kept patting her curls down, as I knew this soothed her, and I leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead. Part of me was grateful that she seemed to want to stop at the same time as me, because had we gone on for a second longer, I would have practically exploded…I wouldn't want to put her in a situation that would either make her feel rejected and undesired by abruptly stopping, or in one in which she would be totally embarrassed. I would have to get used to really controlling myself around her, but I knew I could do it. She was worth it. She was worth so much.

She grinned up at me though, and she moved up to cuddle into my side as she let out a small contented sigh.

She ran her hand across my chest, stopping it right above my heart, something that had such a calming effect on me. She could make me feel so much better with just one look, just one touch, and she doesn't even know it. She's a true angel. She softly said, "Eli, I want to try something…for your nightmares," and I really hoped she didn't mean sleeping in the same bed as me so she could soothe me throughout the night – obviously _just_ sleeping. Because I eventually wanted us to do that, but not out of force due to my nightmares. I wanted that moment to be special, a beautiful first memory, not something to be forever associated with my…problems.

"Clare, I don't want you to worry about that," I told her.

However, she immediately countered, "Please, Eli, I love you and I want to help you. _Please_ – don't push me away," and her voice let out the tiniest of whimpers that told me she might start crying anytime now, so I immediately gave her a small squeeze and said, "Okay, sweetheart, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to push you away," and I was happy to see her give me a small smile. I still wouldn't let her spend the night in my bed, even if it's just sleeping, on that note. She was too special for that, not to mention – what if it didn't even work? Then she'd have a night that would probably give _her_ nightmares for the rest of her nights as well, and I couldn't be responsible for that. She was too much of a ray of light for that.

"What do you want to try, love?" I softly asked her.

"I just thought that I could maybe…just make you a cup of tea and then I could…put you to bed," she said, immediately blushing, and in the moment in which she flashed me her cute little pout, I was down for the count and obviously agreed. This seemed to thrill her to no end, and she was up in a second, putting Adam's kettle on in our tiny kitchen. She told me to get changed for bed and I did as she pleased, throwing on some black shorts and a red shirt. Why was I nervous? It wasn't like anything was going to happen, but apparently just the thought of having her in my room as I got ready to go to bed was making my hands shake.

I went into the small kitchen and snaked my arms around her waist and breathed in the sweet scent of her fruity shampoo, causing her to give me a little adorable jump as she turned around and grinned up at me. I heard the kettle whistle and watched her move around my kitchen – she knew where everything was, and this caused another vision of the future to form in my mind, one that I rapidly tossed aside as she handed me a small cup of tea and took my hand and led me to my bedroom.

"Well, get in your bed," she slowly said, and I obeyed, getting under my blanket.

She scanned my book shelf and grabbed the Chuck Palahniuk novel that we had picked up together on our very first official date, flashing me a big smile as she saw it.

"Perhaps not the _top_ choice for _not_ causing nightmares," I teased her, but she shot back, "We'll only read the intro, silly, and you should be drinking your tea right now," and I conformed.

She came and lied down next to me on my bed, creating an image which caused me to gulp a little, and she began reading in a soft voice as I just watched her eyes scan the pages and marvelled at her beauty, intelligence, and spunk.

When she noticed I finished the tea that she made – this being probably the first time I had had a cup of tea since when I was sick last winter – she put the book on my nightstand and she said, "Now…just relax and try to fall asleep," and she pulled my blanket up a little higher along my body as she asked me to lie down. She then started smoothly running her fingers through my hair as I gazed into her icy blues.

"Eli…I'm so lucky to have fallen in love with my best friend," she slowly whispered, and I quickly told her, "Me too, sweetheart. Me too," and I closed my eyes at the sensation of her fingers running through my hair. Just as I felt sleep starting to overtake me, I shot up, realizing what a dumb idiot I was.

"Clare – I'm not going to bed!" and she shot me a shocked look in response.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because! I have to take you back to your dorm!" I pointed out. How could I forget about that?

"Eli, my rez is just across that street, and there's only other students in this area, it's so safe," she tried to reason with me. It could be just a step away or on the other side of town, I couldn't care less. All it takes is just one time for something horrible and irreversible to happen, and the fact that some idiot is or isn't a student wasn't a guarantee that he wouldn't harm her, and I hoped she would understand this. I didn't want to start an argument with her, so I just gently said,

"I know, Clare. But how could I sleep knowing that I left you to walk by yourself around a dark campus at almost midnight? Pretty sure the nightmares _that_ would produce would seriously send me into cardiac arrest," I told her, and she seemed to understand. She seemed sad though, and I knew it was because she had tried so hard with my nightmares, so I gave her a small hug and said,

"Clare, what you did – putting me to bed like this – I will relive it just as I go to bed again, okay? Every touch of yours on my body, every word you whispered to me…I will recall," I softly told her, and she placed a kiss on my cheek in return as she said, "Okay."

She added, "Eli – there's one more thing I wanted to try, though – because I kind of realized you might do this," and I smirked in return. My girl was brilliant, I knew that already, but she still never ceased to amaze me.

She was a little nervous as she said, "It might seem weird, all right, but…I just wanted you to try it, all right?" and I assured her I would.

She left the room, and I could see she was grabbing something from her bag, sticking it in the crook of her arm and when she returned the apples of her cheeks were that adorable pink color. She lay down next to me again and said, "I know you might find this a bit strange, but I don't mean it the way it first looks, so just let me explain, all right?" she said, and she unveiled a framed photograph of some…religious dude.

"It's…Saint Gabriel, the patron saint of dreams," she explained, "and I know you don't really believe in that, but…just try it, for me, okay?" and the sheer desperation in her voice made me instantly realize I should accept. Besides, she was right about it not being the way it first looked – while I may not believe in this whole Saint business, this is something my angel is giving to me, and I do believe in the healing power of her love because that's already been proven to me.

"Thank you, Clare," I emphatically said, "I love it," and her eyes lit up when she heard me say that, "because it reminds me of my own angel, and _you_ can chase _any_ fear away," I admitted.

"I _thought_ it might remind you of me," she cheekily said, "so then I brought this one just in case as well, if you want two frames for your nightstand," and she pulled out a framed photograph that was my favourite image in the world; the picture of me and her at her graduation. She giggled when she saw my happiness upon seeing it, and I basked in the joy of hearing my favorite sound so many times in one day.

"Now this one…this one is even more special," I told her, and she leaned in and gave me a sweet kiss. "Thank you, Clare. With these photos by my side, I'm sure nothing bad will come haunt me," I sincerely told her, whispering "You're my angel," right before I kissed her forehead.

"But," I playfully added, "Even angels need their sleep, so let's head back to Annesley, sweetie," I said to her, and I proceeded to walk her to her door. When I returned to my own room, I fell asleep to the image of Clare and I side by side as she was hanging on to the flowers I gave her…and I had my first restful sleep in months.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review, I would like to know what you think!**


	28. Sweet and Wild

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for your lovely reviews, please keep sharing your thoughts with me as the story moves forward! **

**This chapter shows us the rest of the term and winter break (Eli's 2****nd**** year and Clare's 1****st****). **

**A very special thank you to all my reviewers from last chapter: siandam, ilovetaylorswift13, CheapNovelty, Julsgracie, iloveeliandclare, Cool Person, MartinaRR, skygoldsworthy, musiksnob, MaddieLovesEclare, Lovely'Henae, ToDecember, EpicNinjaChica, and as always to my rockstar reviewer Stalker Angel (hope 2 chapters won't overwhelm you now friend).**

**And for my friend who asked for advice (I couldn't figure out that website, so I'm just going to do it here because you told me this would be okay): I don't like the sound of that guy. There's no reason why you still shouldn't be friends with him, but the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend proves he's untrustworthy! So before you enter a relationship with him, he needs to prove to you that he has changed (a hard feat). But then again you have to remember that I don't know him! But my best bet would be to just…be careful and after all, you know best. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift or Keith Urban's music, or any other real world references I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

I heard the door open and I immediately booked it over there, and I was very relieved to see a grinning Adam coming in. _Phew_. I didn't want to pepper him with questions; I knew I would need to give him some time to calm down a bit and absorb everything, but I did ask him,

"Adam, everything go well?" in a calm tone of my own.

"It did. Thanks, Eli. That was really good advice. Everything was great. I'm so lucky I found Lana," he said with a smile.

"You mean you're so lucky _I_ hooked that up," I sarcastically told him. They probably would have found each other at Degrassi anyway, but still…a little bit of help never hurt anyone.

"Yeah, is there _anything_ you _don't_ take credit for?" he said, narrowing his eyes at me and I rolled my eyes in response.

"So, you'll be staying over there again sometimes?" I asked, although I was pretty sure I knew the answer to that already.

"I think so," he said, and a faint blush appeared on his cheeks.

I was so glad that Lana was so understanding and more importantly, so expertly able to chase Adam's fears away…I could only imagine how hard everything must be for him. I watched him struggle with a few really bad relationships when he was at Degrassi before Lana's arrival, and both of those came crashing down because he was transgender…I knew it much mean so much to him that Lana loved him for who he really was, and that this significant obstacle was something they were able to overcome. Also, there was also something that just hit me that I would like to tell him.

"Adam, you know, you don't always have to be the one to go over to her place. Maybe she would like to come here sometimes as well, just let me know and I'll go somewhere else for the night," I pointed out to him.

"Dude," he said with a shocked look on his face, "Did something happen between you and Clare while I was gone?" and I knew he didn't mean our vow talk, and even if Clare did cross a tiny boundary with me last night, that was definitely not what Adam meant, and for the time being I kind of wanted to keep that moment private…it was actually really special to me, even if it was essentially just a few more kisses. The fact that Clare initiated it kind of made it so much bigger in my mind, because I knew that couldn't have been easy for her, especially after the trust issues her parents' divorce and Jake's despicable and aggressive advances planted in her mind.

"Rest assured _that_ didn't happen, ring is still safe on her finger. I meant I'd just go home for the night, my mom would be delighted to see me a bit more anyway, so that's an option for you to keep in mind," was all I said in response. "Anyway, um, Clare and I…decided she needs to honour her vow," I shared with him, knowing she wouldn't mind that.

"I…expected you would come to that conclusion," Adam slowly said. "You're a good guy, Eli," he added, and after I obviously had to give him a high five for the success of his night, we went down to the dining hall to grab some breakfast. Finals were coming up, and it would be a long and painful two weeks for me, and a difficult week and a half for Adam as well – his finals schedule turned out to be a lot more compact than mine this semester, and our apartment would be a definite buckling-down-to-get-through-this-pain-without-any-screw-ups space until the end of the semester.

**Clare's POV**

"EEkkkkk, and he brought you flowers," I couldn't help but squeal as Alli returned from her date with Nick, an engineering student she met in her math course designed for both science and engineering students. Ever since her comment upon receiving that single pink flower from Eli, I couldn't help but feel a bit sad for her. But now, she had finally met a nice boy – and she couldn't help but giggle in awe that out of all the guys at the university she managed to fall hard for the "one guy my parents would actually approve of," as she put it.

"And, that's not all," she said excitedly, "he also invited me to Fireball….which means we have to go…DRESS SHOPPING! TONIGHT! The dance is the day after tomorrow," she squealed, but she must have caught on the look of disappointment on my face, as she immediately settled down.

Fireball was this big formal dance for all the students in residence after exams and before we would all head home for Christmas – it was on the anniversary of this huge fire a lot of years ago that had apparently burned down a huge portion of the residences, as I knew from Eli's tour. I really wanted to get dressed up and go and have a good time…but Eli hadn't brought it up, and I didn't want to be the one to ask him, because I knew he'd take me if I asked him to…but was it so wrong for me to want _him_ to ask me all on his own?

"So…I take it Eli hasn't asked you yet?" she shyly said.

"Nope," I shook my head, "but then again, dances haven't really been our thing, we just seem to have no luck with them," I sadly said, hoping Alli wouldn't be able to detect just how desperately I wanted to go.

"Clare – it's _Eli_ – I'm sure he'd take you, the boy just probably has no idea that this thing is even on," she said, and I nodded in confirmation, because I knew she was right.

Alli continued, "But, um, Clare…Nick told me that he bought the last two tickets. Apparently that's what the girl who sold them to him said," and I assured her it was fine as I made my way to my own room.

I knew it was silly to cry over something so silly after everything that we had been through…but…I just really wanted to go. Eli and I had never gotten to share a dance together, and I loved dances. I had this vision of the dress that I would wear, and I tried to imagine how it would feel to share a dance with him, but I couldn't…something seemed to be blocked in my mind as I attempted the vision, and I hated that with a passion. Alli was going with a guy she had just met, and Daniel had been practically the first person I knew to buy tickets to it – okay, so Imogen might have literally made him do that, but still. Maybe the fact that Adam and Lana both finished their finals early and had already returned home meant that Eli didn't hear about it, but still…I just really wanted to go – it was a U of T thing, and I wanted to be a part of it. And now I definitely couldn't. All the stupid tickets were gone.

I felt my phone buzz and when I read Eli's text, I allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe, he had somehow clued in. I wiped my tears away, washed my face, and met him outside of Annesley a few minutes later, and he gave me a quick kiss and he said, "Thought we should squeeze in one last lesson before you take your test when we're home for the break".

_Oh. He was here for a driving lesson. _

"Sure," I said, trying to hide my disappointment.

"You all right there, Clare?" he said, obviously picking up on it.

"Of course," I lied. "How was your last final?" I asked him.

"It went well, thank goodness, I was a little nervous about it. I'm so impressed by how you handled your first round of finals, by the way," he said, and even if I knew he was being honest and sincere, we were walking by an announcement board plastered with Fireball posters. _How could you not know, Eli,_ I thought bitterly, instantly feeling guilty. I should have just told him I wanted to go if it was hitting me this badly, right?

"Okay, so - foot on the break, let's practice switching gears," he said right after we both got in the car and put on our seatbelts, but I just felt so tired.

"Clare, what's wrong?" he asked me.

"Nothing, I think I'm just tired," I told him, but I knew he wasn't buying it.

"Well, okay, let's do something easier then," he said, "Let's go through vehicle trip check, because I guarantee you they will ask you that on the test – and there's kind of something blatantly obvious that you haven't noticed about the Jeep, it's doesn't make driving really safe," he playfully said, but I didn't feel like doing first trip check right now. I just wanted to go back in my room and hide under my covers, not wanting to see Alli bouncing around trying on dresses. Because _she_ would get to go.

"Um, that thing on the windshield. You forgot to take off the advertising flyer," I pointed out, remembering that this had been an example in the learner's manual.

"Well, then, _Miss New Driver_, you should do that," he cheekily pointed out.

"I guess so," I sadly added, and he also left the car when I did, and as I removed the piece of paper that I thought was a flyer, I noticed that it was actually an envelope with my name on it. I'd recognize that slanted handwriting anywhere, so I asked him,

"What is this, Eli?" but he just shook his head as if he had no idea what I was talking about, and just said, "Why don't you open it and we can find out," and as I did so, I felt the biggest smile ever cross my lips and I wasted no time in jumping into his arms and he laughed playfully and kissed my cheek.

"How did you know I wanted to go? You never brought it up once," I said, a little reproachfully.

"Are you kidding? I know you think dances are fun, and I'm sorry it took me so long to let you know we're going…I was being all lame and couldn't figure out the best way to ask you, and in the end, I'm still not very happy with what I came up with," he said with a small frown.

I leaned in and gave him an eager kiss, telling him, "This was perfect," as I pulled away.

"I'm glad you're happy, Clare," he said so sweetly, and I just wanted to say, "But…Eli, we don't have to go. I know you don't like dances," I said.

"What - that's ridiculous! Dances may not be my favorite thing, but I like _you _and I want to do something special for my girl...and besides, the Fireball is U of T unique stereotype #2, and you know how much I love those," he said with a smirk as I immediately laughed, remembering the lovely day of my tour and how we had counted stereotypes. He then thoughtfully added, "plus…Clare…one of my biggest regrets has always been that I was never able to give you just one fun, carefree dance, especially knowing how much you love them," and the shameful look in his eyes as he glanced down told me he was being so sincere.

"Eli…thank you," was all I said as I gave him another sweet kiss to which he happily responded, quickly adding, "Of course. So…we both know you're going to pass this test with flying colours, so…why don't you grab Alli and I'll take you two to the mall, my mom says girls like to shop for dresses before a dance, and I can enjoy one of the last times I will be chauffeuring you two around in my Jeep before you completely commandeer it," he said with a playful frown.

I giggled as I shot back, "Oh don't you worry – there will still be plenty of chauffeuring even _after_ I have my licence," fully meaning every word. I didn't like driving as much as Eli did, and I liked to watch him drive. Besides, I'm pretty sure that if the roles were reversed during our red-light game, his Jeep would end up having the same fate as Morty.

Alli squealed with excitement as I told her the latest developments and insisted we take Eli up on his offer, and twenty minutes later we were inside Eaton Centre, and I watched Alli give Eli a set of specific instructions that amused me to no end:

"So if you run into us while you're doing your own thing and we're actually outside the changing room looking at our dresses in the mirror – GO AWAY! You can't see Clare's dress and I want my own to remain a secret until the day of the dance – royal wedding style, you know?" she asked him, and I'm pretty sure I have never seen Eli's face look more confused as he assured Alli he had no clue what she meant. She didn't seem fazed by this answer at all as she continued, "We'll text you when we're ready to be picked up, and don't be late Eli, we'll be tired, and it's bad enough you won't be around to carry our bags, but the risk of that is too great as you're a sneaky one – I know you – and you might peek inside," and at this point I could tell Eli was trying so hard to not laugh out loud at the outrageous things Alli was saying. Strangely enough though, he cryptically asked Alli a question all whispery and secretive-like, away from me, and she indicated at a point on the directory map that Eli was holding.

When he came close to me, I played with his tie a little as I said, "Hope you don't get too bored," but he assured me he would be fine as he said this was perfect because he needed to buy a present for Scotty's birthday anyway, and I gave him a rather heated kiss before we separated.

**Eli's POV**

The gorgeous girl in my arms was as happy as I had ever seen her – she really meant it when she told me she liked dances. I was so glad that I was finally able to give her one happy moment, because she deserved so much more. She looked absolutely stunning tonight – she was wearing a blue satin dress that was so classy and yet so sexy as the sheer fabric accentuated her every movement. Her curls were extra bouncy tonight and held in place by a beautiful feathery clip, allowing me to see the crystal blues that completely captivated me perfectly – they had lit up at the sight of the blue corsage I gave her, thankful in that moment that Alli had told me where I might find such a thing, because I didn't have the slightest clue. I didn't know in the moment that I bought it that she would be wearing a blue dress, because she hadn't even picked out her dress herself yet, but…I was kind of hoping she would opt for blue, and like she often did, she made my dream come true tonight.

Her head was resting against my chest as we swayed to the rhythm of a pleasant slow song – the DJ at this thing appeared to have some sense in him after all, as this was Keith Urban's 'Making Memories of Us,' playing, which was a lot better than your banal Top 40 stuff, because Keith Urban actually had major song writing talent. I felt Clare's head slowly lift off of my chest, and I missed the contact instantly, but she gazed up at me so lovingly before whispering in my ear, "Thank you for taking me to this, Eli, I'm having so much fun," and I just gave her a slow kiss in response. I smirked to myself when I felt her shiver – Clare was a lot more used to my touch by now, but she was still so…innocent and I loved that about her.

After she pulled away, she leaned in towards my ear again, as she whispered, "E-Eli?" and I could just feel her nervousness. I rubbed her back gently in an attempt to get her to relax and I asked, "Yes?"

"When we go home for break…I would like to take you to meet my grandma, she wants to meet you," she told me, and I flashed her a smirk in response. I take this was a good sign.

"Of course, I'll take the Jeep out to Oakville whenever it works for the two of you," I told her, knowing that was the place where Clare's grandma lived.

Clare gave me a soft smile once she heard me agree and she whispered, "Thank you. She'll love you," and she placed one of her trademark hesitant, but incredibly sweet kisses on my lips that reminded me so much of the first few weeks of our relationship.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Imogen and Daniel were also on the dance floor, and she was giggling madly as he had a smug satisfied look on his face, and I assumed he was just making some kind of joke about what she would like most about Ottawa. Her parents were working over the break, they weren't even going to be at home for Christmas, and Daniel had told me that had made Imogen really sad so when he suggested that she should just come to Ottawa and be with his family, all nice people who I met during my summer there, she happily accepted after some reassurance from him that it was time they met his extraordinary girl anyway. Clare had been really happy for Imogen when she heard that, and I was too. She deserved a nice guy like Daniel who appreciated how all she wanted to do was be with someone who would reciprocate her love. And Daniel deserved to finally bury the ghost of Naomi, a mission which I knew had been successfully accomplished rather shortly after he met Imogen.

Once Fireball was over, Daniel and Imogen headed off in their own direction while I told Clare I would walk her back to Annesley. Her pretty black heels were producing the only sound on the street as we were walking back to the residence area, and when I moved in the direction of Annesley, she hesitated and asked me if she could come to my dorm for a bit instead. I immediately told her that I'd love that, and reminded myself to be the gentleman that my mom raised me to be…Adam had already gone home for Christmas break, so we would be all alone.

I handed her a glass of her favorite berry juice that I always made sure to keep on hand in the tiny fridge in my room as she sat down on the couch and I took a seat next to her.

"Are you excited to go home for a bit?" she asked me.

"I am, although to be honest, I'm a little bit worried about our trip tomorrow – the Jeep might not be able to fit two passengers _and_ all the things Alli is planning on bringing back with her for the next two weeks," I told her with a smirk. Driving the two girls tomorrow should be…interesting.

"It really might not," she said with a small laugh.

"And I'm also excited to meet your grandma…any advice for me though?" I asked her, getting a little nervous about the whole deal now. My first time meeting Clare's parents was a complete and absolute disaster…she said enough things at that dinner that if repeated to a sweet old granny would definitely be enough to send her into cardiac arrest.

"There's no reason to worry - my grandma is really nice and accepting, and she…already might know a little about you," she added nervously.

"Really?" I asked her with a smirk, "Like what?"

"I…talked to her a little during our time apart, and I think she just generally knows more than people give her credit for," she continued.

I flinched a little and said, "Clare, she probably thinks I'm a total basket case if you talked to her about the way I was then," I pointed out.

"What, Eli, no, she doesn't know any details, and she wouldn't think that anyway because it's not true, silly. But when I told her that I had a boyfriend on the phone one time last month, she…immediately asked me if he was that 'young man' in my graduation photo that she had seen when her and I talked during the time we were apart for – and she obviously meant you," and I was quite pleased to hear this. Clare had been showing her grandma our picture together from her graduation during our time apart? As Adam would say, _boo-yeah!_

"Hmm," was all I said in response, deciding Clare was already embarrassed enough about this.

She had just been sitting next to me on the couch until now, but after she finished her juice, she moved to straddle me, an action on her part which always had the power to make me so…damn nervous. I have been letting her initiate all activity in this…facet of our relationship because I didn't want to come on too strong and scare her; I just wanted a bit more time of Clare gaining confidence before I felt comfortable with being the one to start anything…but I could tell that that time would be pretty soon now. She started slowly kissing my neck as I ran my hands in circles on her back and down her sides – she was wearing a dress so staying on top of the fabric was my only choice here. I could hear her breathing get shallower as she took off my blazer and started to undo the buttons of my dress shirt, and my own breathing hitched when I realized she had undone them all and she ran her hands down my chest, moving the now two separate sides of my dress shirt apart before she leaned in and began to slowly plant kisses on my chest in a downward pattern as her hands felt so warm resting just above my belt.

I could feel my muscles contracting under her every touch, and I knew that this might be too much for me any second now, so I slowly brought her head up and gave her a passionate kiss, after which I slowly whispered the only thought running through my mind right against her lips, "God, Clare, you're so beautiful". She gave me a loving look and moved my hands to her thighs, which caused the fabric of her dress to move really high really quickly, as the satin material was so light and delicate. I moved to fix it, but she whispered in my ear, "D-Don't. Y-You can…move it up," and I slowly did as I was told, gently massaging her bare thighs, but still keeping her decently covered. I didn't know just how far we'd be going and I didn't want to take any risks. I didn't want to push her too far and have her regret the slightest thing. She interlocked her hands behind my neck as I placed butterfly kisses all over her neck and the exposed part of her chest as I could feel her push her body closer and closer into mine, and in a bold movement I slipped the straps of her dress down. I placed gentle kisses along the newly exposed skin as well, and I heard a gasp escape her lips initially, followed by the most intriguing little moans as I could feel her chest rising and falling with these small heaves. Her skin was so soft and warm and I noticed it get pinker and pinker with each of my kisses…she was too much, driving me so close to the edge. I pulled my head back a little and took a glance at her and realized this was the most exposed I had ever seen her, her face was the reddest and most nervous I had ever witnessed it, and her eyes showed just the smallest bit of insecurity, so I gave her one last loving kiss before I moved her straps back up, fixed the bottom of her dress and whispered, "I love you so much," and I saw her struggle to say something in return, and I panicked a little when I saw that she wasn't quite able to. _I took it too far. Damn it, I took it too far. _

"Clare, I'm so sorry – I should have asked before moving your straps down," I quickly said, but she shook her head.

"It's okay, Eli, no – you didn't push me too far," and I was so incredibly relieved to hear her say that. "I'm just…it's just," she struggled to explain, breathing heavily and tangling her fingers in my hair a little roughly.

"Clare, if…this is too much, we can go back to just kissing and no touching anytime. We can do that, that's an option, really - it is," I pleaded with her. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel like I was leading her down a series of points of no return.

"No, Eli, it's not that, I'm okay, r-really" she said, and as I scanned her eyes I could tell that she was telling me the truth. "I just…I need a minute," she said, intriguing me a little, and then I realized I might not be the only one for whom stopping is difficult. But maybe I should've taken it a bit easier on her; she was a little overwhelmed, I could tell.

I gently patted her curls down after our breathing returned to normal and I told her, "Clare, we're both in this together, and because it's so important to you, it's so important to me too," trying to let her know that she can talk to me about this.

"Eli…I love you too," she whispered as she curled into my side and after a few minutes when both of us were a little bit more settled down, she turned the TV on and excitedly squealed, "Eli! Look – _Walk the Line_ is on!" I smirked and opened up my arms as she buried her body in mine. I knew she was so excited because lately she had told we don't always need to watch movies that only she likes, but I really didn't mind, I loved the way she would cuddle into me as deep as she could – but she knew that I thought this movie was actually rather well done; it was actually the one Reese Witherspoon movie that I had actually seen before, and Clare was kind enough to never point out the parallels between my period of darkness and Johnny Cash's. It touched me how thoughtful she was to even mention that we don't always need to watch movies that only she likes, but I just…like seeing her happy.

Two and a half hours later, I debated what the best thing to do with the sleeping beauty on my couch was. I could easily let her just sleep on the couch, or put her in my bed and I could sleep in Adam's – but I can just imagine that embarrassed little blush of hers tomorrow morning, and it wouldn't be a cute one, but a guilty one. There were certain things that were important to Clare, and waking up in her own bed, in her own room and not having to do something that wouldn't technically be a walk of shame, but in her mind might feel that way, tomorrow morning out of the boys' dorm would still make her feel guilty. I knew her, and I didn't want her to have the slightest reason to feel like she had betrayed herself, and I might be exaggerating here, but when it comes to this stuff, I'm pretty sure it's better safe than sorry with Clare, so I gently picked her up and rested her head on my chest as she stirred a bit. She woke up for just a second and looked a little freaked out, so I just told her, "Hey, hey, it's okay – I've got you. Just taking you home," I told her, and the coy little smile she flashed me before drowsily resting her head on my chest told me that my instincts had been right.

**Clare's grandma's POV**

"It's a pleasure to meet you ma'am," the young man dressed in black pants and a white dress shirt said to me as he held out a lovely bouquet of sunflowers. Well, he was off to a good start, but I hoped he was aware he was here for…well, a test, you could term it. Clare was my youngest granddaughter, and I could tell she was serious about this boy. Now I would just have to figure out if he was serious about her, and if he had what it would take to properly look after her.

He was pleasant and very courteous at dinner, and I could tell by his mannerisms and by his vocabulary and general demeanour that he was a very intelligent young man, but of course he was on his best behaviour at dinner, and he had the shield of my granddaughter there, who was so obviously smitten with him, blushing madly at his every little witty comment. He had a very intelligent sense of humour as well, something that made him quite charming. They really were adorable together, but from adorable to good long-term there is quite a leap. There was just one thing I needed to figure out about him, though, and it couldn't be achieved over dinner, so I had arranged for her to get him to agree to stay overnight in my guest room, as the drive to Oakville from Toronto was a long and tiring one, and after all he was on vacation from college right now. He had agreed quickly, and when I went up to the guest room to place some extra towels in the adjoining bathroom, I noticed on the nightstand, that he had placed the framed photo of him and Clare at her graduation that had first clued me in as to who he just might be in my granddaughter's life, and he also had a framed photo of St. Gabriel. Now that bit puzzled me, as I knew he was not religious. I suspected my granddaughter must have had something to do with that, and that was point two in his favour – if he was not serious about her, I doubt he would have cared enough to do that.

He had said his good-night to Clare respectfully downstairs before she headed to the room that I had always kept for her and Darcy in my house, and I told him I would be right down suggestively. I knew he had picked up on the fact that he wasn't to go anywhere – I'd be talking to him as soon as I returned from Clare's room.

I sat next to her on the bed and she held out her hairbrush for me and I began to run it through the beautiful curls of the same reddish auburn colour that mine once used to be.

"So, sweetheart, he's a nice boy, seems to be very intelligent," I started.

"That he is," she shyly said.

"Is he good to you?" I asked, getting right to the point.

"_So _good to me, Nana," she softly responded.

"Then why were you in tears the last time you were here?" I gently asked. I couldn't just overlook that fact.

"Because I had realized I had been stupid, and walked away from Eli and right into the arms of a…jerk," she plainly said.

"That was that boy Jake?" I asked, and she turned around to face me in a little bit of a shock as I softly said, "Your mother mentioned something to me," and she nodded in understanding.

I didn't want to dwell on the subject of that horrible boy any longer because he was no longer the least bit important. Eli was important. "Well, the important thing is that you are back together now, sweetheart. Clare, and is Eli…respectful?" I asked meaningfully, because I knew how some college boys were.

"Very respectful, especially when it comes to my vow," she said, and the points in favour of Eli were adding up.

"That's very good, sweetheart. Some things should be saved for marriage, and that's definitely one of them," I reminded her, because that window guided me perfectly towards the important question here.

"Do you…see yourself maybe marrying him someday, Clare? Building a life with him? A family?" I gently said.

It took her a minute, but eventually she turned around and met my gaze as she said, "Someday…yes, I think I do," and I gave her a warm hug because this young girl needed some security that marriage isn't something to be afraid of, something to avoid just because it's hard and because sometimes it doesn't work out.

She got under the covers after our little conversation and I tucked her in just like I used to do when she was a little girl I would put both her and her sister to bed. I moved her curls away from her eyes and patted them against the pillow as I whispered goodnight to her and got up from the bed, turning the light off on my way out.

When I made my way downstairs, I saw Eli had listened to my instructions and he was reading a novel that he quickly put away when he saw me approaching.

"Thank you so much again for opening your home to me, ma'am," he said, this being about the third time he had mentioned it.

"Of course, Eli, I'm glad you came, so please stop worrying about thanking me. Do you want some hot chocolate?" I asked him, hinting to him that a discussion was coming.

"That sounds lovely," he said, flashing me a smirk that seemed to appear on his face quite a bit.

A few minutes later, I handed him a cup of hot chocolate and placed marshmallows in it, telling him this was Clare's favorite night time snack when she was little, and I saw his eyes sparkle with amusement at that tidbit of information.

"These days it's a piece of ponderosa cake and a tiny bit of a latte," he added, and I was a little impressed at this knowledge.

I decided to play with him a bit and I sternly said, "You…are around my granddaughter during the night to give her snacks?" and his face froze a little.

"No, ma'am , that's not what I meant at all – me and Clare's colleges at U of T are right next to each other, and sometimes she has dinner or a study snack in my college's dining hall, I promise you," and I instantly regretted my little mischievous action as I noticed all the color rapidly drain from his face.

"Relax, Eli, I was just teasing you, I know how respectful you are of Clare," and I was glad to see a little bit of a pink hue return to his face.

I took a seat on a stool next to him and gazed out at the snowy little country street lit up by the tiny yellow lights that hung in the trees.

"Eli…my granddaughter really cares about you, you know," I slowly said.

"I assure you I love her, ma'am – your granddaughter isn't just my girlfriend, she is my best friend," he said, locking his gaze with me, and not a flicker of a doubt was detectable in his eyes as he told me this. It was also the best possible answer to the question I wanted answered in his time here.

"You'll treat her well?" I sternly asked.

"_All I want to do_ is to treat her well…look after her and…make her happy," he softly said, and I noticed he quickly touched his hand up to a metal hoop in his ear that was identical to the one my granddaughter now wore.

Eli was very eloquent for his age, English major or no English major, and it wasn't like he was pulling these lines out of a little trick book – the sincerity and vulnerability in his voice was plain as day.

"I hope you…do make her happy - she deserves that," I told him.

"I know she does. She deserves the best, and I'm going to do everything I can to give her that," he determinedly said.

"You mean like…in a marriage?" I pushed, wanting to see if he'd run as far as possible in the other direction at the mere mention of this subject.

Eli rotated a skull ring on his finger and slowly said, "Marriage…we're so young…and Clare and I need to take care of our careers first…it's not…I can't…we're still so young…" he was struggling to say, bringing his mug up to his lips, but later setting it down without drinking any of the liquid in it. His words…were not matching the emotion that seemed to ooze out of his every pore, nor the wistful look in his eyes as he stared out at the snowy street.

I gently pushed him, saying, "That's not…what those eyes are telling me, Eli," and he immediately moved his gaze to meet mine and he looked so open and vulnerable as he said, "Marrying Clare…would be the greatest honour and joy of my life…but please…don't tell her….please, I want to tell her myself…when the time is right…when we are more settled – _a lot_ more settled," and the look on his face told me everything I needed to know.

I assured him his secret was safe with me and told him he'd probably best get off to bed, which he did after extinguishing the fire for me, as he was the one to help me start it in the first place and thanking me profusely once again. Before going to bed, I said a prayer to God that Clare and Eli are able to figure out all the challenges they still had ahead as a team and only grow more together…and that I am still around if not for her wedding day, then at least for the day when he shares with her what he just shared with me. Because I knew they would have to get their lives organized first, and I would gladly wait for that, I thought to myself, and for the first time in a long time, my eyes stung with tears as the memories of all my wonderful times with my husband invaded my mind. _I just want to stay here a little longer so I can see our Clare happy…and then I'm coming, darling._

**Clare's POV**

The front door flew open and I immediately held up the little plastic card and Eli flashed me a huge smirk as he picked me up and spun me a little and said, "I _knew_ you could do it! That's my girl!"

I just hung on to him tightly and twirled his piercing in response, laughing the whole time.

He gently put me down and as I made my way into the house, saying a quick hello to his parents and noticing that Bullfrog was humorously exasperating Cece by following her around the kitchen with a pair of outstretched headphones as she kept telling him to get out of her way.

Eli poured me a glass of my favourite berry juice, knowing that I was always up for one of those without even having to ask me, and as I felt its slightly sour taste on my tongue I heard him listing, "…and then I'd like to go to the comic book store, and then to HMV to pick up a new magazine to see what movies are coming out over the next couple of months, and then to the park, and then to Chapters, and then we can stop by my office so I can pick up some papers, and so we can say hi to Dr. Sadler, and then we'll need another quick trip to my house because I'm sure that by this point I will have realized that there's something I need that I forgot at home, and then to the movies, and then to dinner, and oh – I've always wanted to go to that _other_ comic book store on the other side of town – you know the one, just a thirty minute drive away if you take the _ten-lane _401 at one hundred miles an hour," he finally finished, eyes widening playfully at the mention of that killer highway that I would never be caught dead driving on. Cece and Bullfrog were both looking at us and laughing lightly.

I just sternly shook my head at him in response, and he dropped his jaw playfully, before saying, "Wow, so that's how it's gonna be, Edwards? After all those years of me driving you everywhere, _this_ is the treatment I get back?" but I silenced him with a little pout, a weapon that never failed me.

I quickly added, "Of course I'll drive you places, Eli, but no passenger seat driving!" I told him, and he held his hands up in defence.

"Hey, you're still the n_ew_ driver here, someone's got to put you in your place sometimes," he said as we made our way up the stairs and entered his room.

I took a seat next to him on his bed and as much as I loved our little banter sessions, there was something serious that I did need to tell him, so I intertwined the fingers of our left hands as I said, "Thank you for teaching me how to drive, and for letting me practice so much on the Jeep. I couldn't have done this without you," and he only kissed my cheek in response as he whispered, "Of course, and you can drive the Jeep anytime you want," in my ear. He then got up from the bed and walked over to the desk area where his leather jacket was lying on the back of a chair.

I saw him search through the pockets and then he got a sly little look on his face as he held out a pair of keys with a sparkly "C" keychain on it.

I felt my eyes tear up at the realization that Eli had another set of keys made to the Jeep made just so I could have my own.

He walked over to me and placed them in my hand as he said, "Anytime, and this should make it easier for you to do that". I examined the sparkly blue "C" and realized for about the millionth time what a lucky girl I was, and I guiltily wondered how I could ever do all those horrible things I did to such a remarkable, thoughtful boy. And Eli making me a set of keys without asking me…showed a little bit of progress on his part; it told me he wasn't so fearful of being perceived as manipulative or suffocating anymore. Because I knew those were deep fears of his, and as much as I wanted to chase them away…I didn't know how. I didn't know how he would react to a discussion of this issue, and he had every right to not want to have one on this topic…just as recently as a month ago at the regional meeting, I accused him of trying to be manipulative again.

"This is so wonderful of you, Eli. Thank you so much," I whispered right against his lips before giving him a grateful kiss. As we were pulling away, I quickly added, "But I don't want to drive without you a lot, you know. If I'm in your car, I want you there too, by my side," I told him, because all of a sudden I had a vision in my mind of these keys creating more distance between us than proximity. And I didn't want more distance, and I really didn't want Eli to feel like he had to put it there. I didn't want us to head to the other extreme now, where he would be scared that I would perceive the sweetest things on his part as suffocating. Like I did the first time around…when he was trying so desperately to fix things and all I did was speak back to him in snotty tones and never even gave him a chance to explain anything. _Even a stranger would show more compassion than that_, I thought as shame overcame me.

Eli looked very thoughtful upon hearing my answer and he said, "Of course, and I want to be there too. I just thought, for occasions when I'm in class or something, and you need to get yourself somewhere off campus," he justified, and I pushed a little bit of hair behind his hair as I said, "Now _that_ sounds perfect," and grinned up at him.

"So, did you have any more luck with your story?" I asked him, knowing that his major project during the winter break was to come up with a short story that he could hand in as part of the application to the Creative Writing major.

"It's still in the early stages," he answered, and my heart ached a little. After the 'Stalker/Angel' fiasco, Eli was scared to share his creative writing with me again. We had edited each other's academic English essays all semester, but to this date, I still hadn't seen the other stories that he had published…and I wanted to.

I leaned against the headboard and told him, "I'd like to help…with your story," and he flashed me a smirk as he said, "That would be great, Clare, thank you so much," and I was happy to see his eagerness.

Maybe I was wrong after all? This encouraging reaction on his part allowed me to add, "Eli…do you think…that you could show me the stories you published that I haven't seen yet?" and I saw the look of hesitation on his face. Or…maybe my first instinct was correct after all.

"Yeah…you can see those, of course," he said, but I could still detect the fear in his voice.

"Eli, your writing…it's beautiful. It's so special and unique and you're so talented," I gently told him, but at this point he was looking away.

I crawled up a little closer to him and I meaningfully said, "_Everything _of yours that I have read, Eli…it's fantastic," and his gaze slowly met mine.

"Please," I whispered, "I want to see them," and he slowly reached for his laptop and placed it in front of us on the bed. He opened it up to a folder titled _Publications_, and I noticed that he actually had two stories and a poem in there. I frowned as I realized that he never included 'Stalker/Angel' in this folder. I really think he should – it was a special achievement that he was published at the age of 16, and that could really help him in his career. It shouldn't be eliminated just because of how horrible I made him feel about it.

He was being completely silent throughout this whole process, and I could tell he was nervous. He opted to lie down across his bed, facing away from me and towards the wall, and I placed the laptop over my legs and opened the poem first, noticing that he had written this one when he was in first year – it was a scanned image of the university's creative writing magazine, and I knew they must have sent him this as a preview. I was really surprised to see that this poem didn't appear to be about him or me, but about…Scotty and Dylan. It was about two brothers who were preparing to face the world knowing they would always have each other to lean on, and it was so…incredibly beautiful and touching that it brought tears to my eyes. Eli was an only child, which I would think would make it really difficult for him to understand the bond between siblings, but he had captured it so perfectly. The poem had undercurrents of suffering, but its overwhelming tone was one of optimism, and I loved that Eli's writing could also capture this feeling.

I then read the short story he had also published in his first year at U of T, and this one…this one did ring a bell. It was about a protagonist who moves from one city to another in an attempt to escape his past, but despite how different his life gets to be, he is still haunted by…these horrible nightmares. The pain and suffering and loneliness of the character came through so potently in the writing, and I hated that Eli felt this way for so long…he felt…abandoned. What really hurt especially was that after a long process of trying to adjust to his new city, the protagonist eventually decides to go back and look for the girl who broke his heart, only to find her married, with children, as a minister's wife. When they run into each other by accident…she re-introduces herself pretending that they had never met, and the story just ends with the image of him deciding to leave his hometown all over again. But the second time he leaves…it's portrayed as a much more fulfilling decision than it was the first time around, and it gives the readers the feeling that his trip back was necessary in order for him to realize that…the girl never loved him. _The girl never loved him. She always thought of him as…just wrong. _I tried really hard to keep my tears quiet as I read it because I didn't want Eli to hear me, although I was pretty sure he was crying as well, though I couldn't be sure with his face turned away from me.

And then…I came to the story that I knew I had seen him hand to Mrs. Dawes in grade 12. This story was really different than anything I had ever seen Eli write. It was…humorous, and I knew changing your writing style like that wasn't easy. Eli's writing always had dark instincts, but there was nothing dark about this story; it described the interactions of a group of children who were a bit puzzled by the things they saw adults do and say and they tried to make sense of them. I realized his inspiration for this story came from the time he must have spent in the big playrooms in the Big Brothers offices. It was hilarious, and I found myself laughing out loud several times, and I especially loved its happy ending as each child is eventually picked up by his or her parents; each kid asks their parents an awkward question that they aren't quite sure how to answer.

When I finished that story, I jumped up excitedly from the bed and walked around so I could see Eli and he did have small tears in the corners of his eyes, and I kneeled beside the bed and quickly dabbed them away with the sleeve of my sweater. Eli looked so sad and vulnerable, like he was reliving all of his pain again, so I just placed a small kiss first on his forehead, brushing his hair to she side, then on each of his eyelids as he closed his eyes, then on his nose, one on each cheek as I interspersed them with a few words that combined made up the sentence "I loved – each and every – one of them – almost as much – as I love – you" and eventually I brought our lips together and he immediately deepened the kiss. I didn't want to pull away, but eventually I had to, and I ran my fingers through his hair as I told him, "I didn't even know you could write such amazing humour," and he softly replied, "Neither did I, it just sort of…happened".

"You…you really liked them?" he gently asked.

"_So_ much," I emphatically said, hoping he could detect my sincerity, "you are so amazing, and I can't wait until the day when I get to edit your first novel," I added, wanting Eli to know that the thought of a future with him was a dream of mine that I wished would come true.

"Me too," he softly said.

"E-Eli?" I gently asked.

"Yeah?" he said, as he got up for a second so he could place a kiss on my lower neck, in a particular spot he had rapidly discovered. After I regained my senses after that kiss, feeling him smirk against my neck as soon as he heard my reaction to his actions, I told him, "I…_did_ always love you. I know…the things I said, on the phone, made it sound like I was trying to cancel out everything we had…but I wasn't thinking straight," I said and I felt the tears coming as Eli ran his fingers through my curls, looking so worried, "It...it breaks my heart that you think I never loved you," I managed to choke out as a sob overcame me.

Eli pulled me closer to him and just held me for a minute before he said, "Hey – hey – shh, shh, I wrote that story a long time ago, I don't think that anymore, Clare, and…I let those characters be a lot more exaggerated than us, but…I don't think that anymore, Clare, I really don't. It was just a thought I had…that I explored in a story. That's all it was, nothing more," he explained soothingly, and as I pulled away a little from his embrace and looked in his eyes, I knew he meant what he was saying.

I then quickly blurted out, "And I don't _ever _want to be a minister's wife," much in the style of a frustrated little girl, which caused Eli to chuckle a lot as he just kept patting down my curls. As soon as I heard the way my thought came out, I couldn't help but join him in his laughter as I set the laptop back on his desk. I loved how Eli could make me feel so…happy and confident that everything would be all right…with just a simple burst of laughs.

He moved his legs to the floor as he was sitting on the edge of the bed and I took advantage of his position to come sit on his lap and as I played with his guitar pick necklace I cheekily asked him "I can't wait to hang out with Dylan and Scotty with you tomorrow – think they'll be happy to hear that we're officially mommy and daddy now?"

Eli cocked his head to the side, flashing me a confused look and then widening his eyes as he gently placed a hand on my stomach and asking, "Got something you need to tell me here, Edwards?" and moved his hand in circles on my stomach.

I could feel my face instantly flaming as I playfully slapped his hand away and nervously replied, "Eli! H-How can you say that—that's…that's impossible," I pointed out, but he only placed a soft kiss on my shoulder in response and chuckled lightly.

"Oh, I know," he teased, placing another one of those overwhelming kisses on my neck. I got up after that, deciding he deserved a little punishment for his cheeky comment, and we spent the rest of the afternoon reviewing the outline of the new story he wanted to use for his application to the Creative Writing major.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next afternoon Eli took me to a late lunch, to which he suggested I should drive us to, which I successfully and excitedly did. However, after we left Little Miss Stakes, I told him he should be the one to drive during our time with Dylan and Scotty – he was a much experienced driver than me, and we'd have kids in the car; it was the right thing to do.

As we were driving over to the boys' house, I wanted to confirm something with Eli.

"So, Scotty is turning eight today, right?" I asked him.

"No, actually he's turning just seven – he kind of hates his late birthday, everyone else in his class has already turned seven and it's kind of a sore point of him," Eli answered with a frown.

"He kind of...looks small…even for seven," I pointed out with a giggle.

"And that would be sore point number two," Eli said with a smirk. "Let's not mention that in front of him," he added as I assured him I wouldn't dream of it.

Eli and I walked to the front door of the house – I was happy to hear that Eli had spoken to their dad about who I was and their dad had been apparently happy to give his blessing in me hanging out with the boys as well. We were barely halfway up the footpath though, as an extraordinarily bouncy, laughing Scotty ran at full speed towards Eli, who quickly picked him up and settled him into his arms.

"Hey buddy! Happy birthday!" Eli told him, tickling him a bit, which caused Scotty to laugh even harder. "You remember Clare," Eli said as he turned Scotty around to face me and Scotty flashed me a big grin.

He announced "Clare! It's my birthday, Clare! I'm seven years old today! FINALLY!" he told me.

"I heard – big day! You're a big boy now," I told him, and my answer must have pleased him as he smiled at me, and then immediately looked down at my shoes, and I saw his eyes widen as he noticed the shiny ruby red flats I purposely wore today. I could hear Eli chuckling, obviously realizing what was going on, and after Scotty got over his slight shock at that sight he asked me for a birthday hug and I happily obliged as Eli transferred him to my arms. I noticed Eli glancing at me with Scotty in my arms for a minute before he said, "Look at that – almost _three years_ with me and he trades me in for you in _a second_," and flashed me an amused smirk.

Dylan made his way out of the house at that moment, and he did look significantly older than the last time I had seen him, but I was pleased to see that he had remained the same courteous boy that I had always known to be as he looked at me and said, "It's nice to see you again, Clare". He then bumped fists with Eli as they exchanged greetings.

We walked to the car and Eli held the door open for the boys and I noticed that checking Scotty's seatbelt seemed to be a habit of his, one that I approved of very much.

Eli and I got in the car and he winked at me before turning around and holding out a gift bag to Scotty as he said, "Present time!" and Scotty quite literally jumped as far up and down as his seatbelt would allow him too. I thought with a giggle that there might have been a good reason for Eli's decision to strap him in before giving him his present.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Scotty said, and he quickly dug through the tissue paper in the bag and held out the kids' Blue Jays jersey, eyes widening when he realized what it was. "For me?" he incredulously asked as Eli and I eagerly nodded in response, and then he exploded into a fit of "I love it! I love it! I love it!"

Dylan smiled at his brother, but I could see the slightly sad look that crossed his face for a second, and I realized something that I should have a long time ago. I remembered all of Darcy's birthdays and how I sometimes felt at them….but Eli was an only child…he wouldn't see this coming, I thought in a panic.

However, I saw Eli flash me a smirk as he pulled out a second gift bag from next to his seat, and I instantly knew he had anticipated this moment.

He turned around to the boys and said, "I'm glad you like it Scotty, but we're not done – we're going to let Dylan get this next one, okay?" and I was happy to see Scotty nod eagerly. He was much too absorbed by his nice jersey in this moment – Eli could have told him he was kidnapping him and taking him to live in Siberia and Scotty would have probably nodded just as eagerly.

A surprised and confused look crossed Dylan's face and he opened the bag to reveal a slightly different Blue Jays jersey in his size – this one had a player's name on the back, and I realized Eli must know that player to be Dylan's hero; I knew both boys loved baseball, and Eli had told me that just this year Dylan had made it onto the baseball team at his school.

Dylan shyly said, "But it's not _my_ birthday…" though the look in his eyes when he saw the jersey told Eli and I exactly what we needed to know.

"So what?" Eli said in a very convincing tone. "Blue Jays are only awesome on birthdays?" and Dylan quickly answered, "The Blue Jays are _always_ awesome".

Eli then said, "Well, okay then, problem solved, but there's still something in the bag," and Dylan searched and found a Blue Jays baseball, and Eli suggested, "Maybe you could practice your pitching with Scotty, and that way he'd learn how to hit the ball too," and Dylan eagerly nodded.

Eli looked very satisfied with the whole gift moment, and he started driving to the movie theatre – Scotty had chosen the day's activity as it was his birthday; and he really wanted to see a children's movie whose description Eli and I both found eerily similar to the Toy Story movies we liked so much as kids, so we were rather curious where the writers would take the storyline.

I took one last glance over my shoulders and both boys looked so happy and so comfortable in Eli's car, admiring their jerseys, that my heart swelled and I was so overcome with emotion that I could feel tears stinging my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away as I didn't want Eli to misinterpret them and worry. I did however reach for Eli's hand because I wanted to hold it for the length of the drive, and I should have known that Scotty would pick up on that in a second.

"Daddy says only mommies and daddies should hold hands like that," he said with his characteristic little frown, and Eli looked in my direction with a pleased smirk. I was so happy that now we could laugh at that comment that had been thrown our way quite a few times over the past three years, as opposed to look away from each other uncomfortably. I mouthed to Eli, "You tell them," and his smirk only got wider.

"Your daddy is right, Scotty" Eli said, "But…Clare is my girlfriend, so I'm allowed," and I turned around a little because I wanted to see the boys' reaction to that.

Dylan gave Eli a big smile and told him that if he wasn't driving he would give him a high five, because apparently, it took Eli "long enough," a comment which caused me to giggle. If only Dylan knew the half of it.

Scotty also grinned and he said, "Girlfriend…so that means that one day you _will_ be mommy and daddy right? Like a little while after Clare is your wife? That's what happened to our mommy and daddy," and Eli quickly blushed and I tried to think of an appropriate answer, but I wasn't coming up with anything, so I was so relieved when I heard Dylan speak up to say, "One thing at a time, Scotty. They're not old enough for that yet". I didn't let go of Eli's hand though, because…I kind of liked the simple way that Scotty had expressed that.

Eli cleared his throat and asked, "So, Dylan, how's Angela these days?" and Dylan got a blush of his own on his cheeks.

"She's g-good," he stuttered out, "…she came to watch my baseball game last week," he said, and then he rapidly added, "And the week before that. And then the week before that one too," a comment which caused Eli to say that once he was finished driving, Dylan would _definitely _be receiving that high-five.

Eli kept true to his word and after Scotty unbuckled his seat belt, both him and Dylan asked us if they could wear their jerseys to the movies, and we assured them that that would be a great idea. After Eli helped Scotty with his, I saw Scotty's little arms stretching out towards Eli, who diligently picked him up, pulled him out of the car and carried him through the parking lot, setting him down when we got into the movie ticket line. The line moved quickly, and then we led the kids to get some popcorn and drinks, despite Dylan's polite objections – Eli reverting to the argument that a movie isn't a movie without popcorn, and telling Dylan to remember that for when he'd be old enough to take Angela to the movies. That comment flustered Dylan and by the time he recovered, Eli was already ordering popcorn and I saw him pick up a bag of M and Ms as well as he flashed me a smirk and I nodded in confirmation.

We made our way into the theatre and sat near the middle; Dylan sat at one end, Scotty was in between his brother and Eli, and I was at the other end. The previews started and I took Eli's hand, playing with the skull ring on one of his fingers; that was my favorite of all his rings. I noticed that Scotty immediately came over and crawled into Eli's lap when a violent car crash scene came on screen during one the previews, and Eli just gave him a little squeeze and whispered something in his ear that I couldn't make out, but that obviously had a calming effect on Scotty. He didn't leave Eli's lap throughout the movie, though, and I could see his little hands clung to the side of Eli's jeans at the more scary bits, and other time I noticed Eli would just gently uncurl Scotty's stressed out little fists. Dylan seemed to like the movie as well, as he confirmed to us when we made our way out of the movie theatre.

Dylan took Scotty inside the washroom before we left the building, and while Eli and I waited for them outside, I giggled at the sight of little popcorn bits all over his shirt and jeans – I knew these were from Scotty's buttery fingers; he had spent the entire movie in Eli's lap, and he was quite the messy eater. I got closer to him and brushed them off of his shirt and jeans, and I couldn't control my giggles as Eli rolled his eyes playfully and muttered something about Scotty as an explanation that wasn't really necessary. It always made me feel a little victorious to feel Eli's muscles contract under my touch, and just as I was ready to pull away he drew me a bit closer to him and placed a kiss in my curls. I leaned in closer to his ear and suggestively whispered, "Eli, not in front of the children," but that comment only seemed to egg him on, as he leaned in and gave me a heated kiss before I even realized what was going on. I pulled away after a bit and sarcastically pretended to be mad, but he took my hand as we saw Dylan and Scotty come out of the washroom.

The ride back to the boys' house was really peaceful, as they both fell asleep, and I even took a chance and played the red-light game with Eli once, much to his shock. Dylan woke up just before we got to their house, and as Eli parked he quietly grabbed both gift bags that now contained his and his brother's original shirts. Once the car was stopped, Dylan quietly slipped off his seatbelt and I noticed he took out a set of keys from his pocket, and he addressed Eli as he said, "My dad said he had to go to the office for a bit while you took us to the movies, and I see his car isn't here, so he's probably not home yet," but Eli just nonchalantly said that's okay and after he noticed me nodding at him, he said we'd wait until their dad came home.

Eli slowly slid Scotty's seatbelt off, and he didn't stir at all, and then I watched Eli gently pick Scotty up. Scotty's little eyelids fluttered and he opened his eyes ever so slightly, but he just wrapped his legs around Eli's waist and hung on to his shoulders as we entered the house and Dylan led us to Scotty's bedroom, telling us he was going to his own room for a minute. I stayed in the doorway and watched Eli enter the baseball-themed room, and I found myself once again overcome by emotion as Eli laid Scotty down on his bed ever so quietly and smoothly, and he covered the little body with the blue blanked lying at the end of the bed and tucked him in. I noticed a framed photo on Scotty's bedside of a beautiful blonde woman with one of the most captivating smiles I have ever seen, and holding on to her were a much younger looking Dylan and Scotty and I immediately understood who she was. Eli adjusted Scotty's pillow a bit and I was completely enraptured and convinced that I had never seen anything quite so serene and gentle in my entire life…the vision in front of me made me recall Scotty's earlier comments as he was trying to process me and Eli's relationship. As Eli and I waited with Dylan for the boys' dad to come home, I couldn't get that vision of perfection out of my mind, and as Eli drove me home, I didn't let go of his hand for a single moment.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review so I can tell if people are still reading this story!**


	29. Didn't Even See the Dust

**Hi lovely readers! I am so happy to hear that Scotty and Dylan are fan favourites! They will make other appearances, don't worry!**

**Let's move on with our story and see what happens with Clare and Eli between Christmas and the summer!**

**Thank you so much to all of you who reviewed last chapter, it means so much to me that you take the time to share your thoughts with me! Special thanks to my rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel and C.A. who left me very detailed reviews of their thoughts, so greatly appreciated! And I appreciate every review so much, so thank you to all who reviewed last chapter: MaddieLovesEclare, iloveeliandclare, musiksnob, Cool Person, Julsgracie, MartinaAxi, ilovetaylorswift13 (I loved your longer review style where you read and pause! So much!), deena, CheapNovelty, Nattyrox, meandthatperson, skygoldsworthy, ToDecember, GinHermi, Michelle-Chambers1 (it made my day to hear you liked my representation of Montreal, so cool you are from there! I have been there for just a few days every now and then, it's gorgeous!), Lizbit (don't cry! It's not over yet…they are only in 1****st**** and 2****nd**** year, still lots of college days to go), EpicNinjaChica, Nydegrassigirl, and KarenIsCoolio!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any real world references I happen to make!**

**Cece's POV**

"Ugh, mom, you gotta be kidding me!" I heard Eli exclaim, not that I really expected any other reaction from him. This was _so_ not his thing.

"Sorry, baby boy, but your dad needs to be in for that interview, you know that. And I can't exactly go by myself, you're my big strong man now," I teased him, not that he got the slightest look of amusement on his face. He flashed me an irritated smirk and I couldn't help but giggle. I knew he'd come; he wouldn't just abandon me like that, but this little annoyance ritual was something I also knew we had to go through.

"But mom, if the whole point of you and dad doing this is so you two know how to do the wedding waltz or whatever…bringing me as a substitute isn't really going to help achieve the ultimate goal here, is it?" he intelligently pointed out. Too bad he wasn't getting out of this that easy, though.

"Eli, this is my sister's wedding and it _will _be perfect. I'm glad to see you are so concerned about the aesthetics of everything," I humorously told him while he impatiently rolled his eyes. "Once we come back, you can just teach your father," I pointed out to him, and he only stared at me more intensely.

"Mom, it's going to be a miracle if I am even able to keep up – I'm not going to be able to teach that stuff, and if you think so, you're living in another world," he scoffed.

My husband was just sitting on the kitchen stool next to Eli, clearly enjoying all of this. He piped up, "I'm going to have to second that – no way will I be able to pick up on this little brat's messed up instructions," he teased, elbowing a now severely annoyed Eli.

I knew it was time to pull out the big guns; I'd have Eli in the palm of my hand with what I was about to share with him.

"Well, when Clare comes to the wedding and is all proud that her date is one of the best dancers there, _then _you can thank me. You two may think you know girls oh so well, but neither of you geniuses even thought about that," I replied, and sure enough, a happy smirk slowly spread over Eli's face.

"I can invite her to come with us to the wedding week-end in September?" he asked, unsuccessfully trying to mask his enthusiasm.

"Of course, Eli, she's your girlfriend, she should be there. She can share a room with me, or stay with you, whatever makes her most comfortable," I told him, as Eli had shared with me the promise he made Clare during one awkward pharmacy shopping trip. I was actually happy to hear he was supporting her so nicely, and I told him that now he had made her such a promise, he'd better not complain or pressure her because he knew very well what he was getting into when he discussed this with her. I knew he wasn't likely to do that, but I thought that it was my duty as a mother to point that out. When I shared what Eli had told me about this vow with his father, Bullfrog was somewhat surprised, but then he said Eli would do anything for Clare, so it all made sense, which he was right about.

After Eli heard my response about inviting Clare to the wedding, just as I suspected, I heard no more complaints all the way to Hamilton, during the dance lessons, and during the car ride back, and when we returned, I giggled at the sight of a frustrated Eli trying to explain a one-two-three waltz count to an even more clueless Bullfrog.

**Eli's POV**

"Fantastic, Eli. Now can you just come into the conference room for a second – I have something I'd like to talk to you about," Barb told me as she reviewed my latest grant application. It was getting close to midterm season for me so I wanted to get this grant out of the way before the real madness began.

I was happy Barb seemed pleased with it, but I was a little intrigued about why she had called me into the conference room. I wasn't really nervous, because Barb was one of the kindest people I had ever met…she never seemed to get angry, and the conference room held a pleasant memory for me; it was where she informed me that she was able to get the Project Love funding last year, so this had to be good karma, right? I sure hope so.

"Eli," she started, "Derek isn't coming back in the summer," she told me. Derek was a part-time employee for Big Brothers, and last summer he was also one of the grant writers, and we sometimes worked together on a larger grant. He was nice, a little soft spoken, but I didn't have any problems working with him, so it was a bit of a bummer he was leaving, but…what did this really have to do with me?

Barb continued with a warm smile, "And I need to replace him, but I've been doing this job for a while as you know, and I find that flipping through resumes and wasting hours interviewing people is just not for me – I don't have the heart to tell so many people no – who am I to tell if one resume is better than another? What is better anyway? Everyone has work and volunteer experience that is so valuable," she was saying, and I couldn't help but smirk at her in return – that was such a typical Barb argument, never wanting to do any harm to anyone or say the slightest negative thing about another individual. This lady really was unique…there was only one other person that I had ever known that was as kind as her.

"Anyway, Eli, since I'd like to have you lead the grant writing for the organization this summer, as I think it would be a nice growth opportunity for you this summer," she specified, not even giving me a chance to thank her for her consideration and for the little upwards step she has given me, "so I was thinking that if you know anyone – maybe from school, from your classes – that is looking for a twenty-five hour per week job this summer and who you think would be good at grant writing and at understanding what our organization is about…I think you should have them come talk to me. They can bring a resume, and you'll be their reference, obviously. What do you think? Anyone who you can think of off the top of your head?" she asked me with a smile.

Well, y_eah, obviously_.

"There is someone…" I started, and Barb nodded her head at me encouragingly as she said, "Yes?"

I continued, "But I would have to check with her first, obviously, to see what her summer plans are exactly. But, Barb, you would love her – she would be so perfect. Her writing is so wonderfully empathetic and emotional, and she has done so much work for charities; I don't know if you remember that Project Love letter?" I asked her.

"Of course, Eli, that sounded like such a wonderful initiative," she warmly said.

"Well, that was something she started all on her own. I know she would excel at this job…but I do feel that I do need to tell you that she is…my girlfriend, Clare Edwards. But I'm not just recommending her because of that, it's because I know she could do this job to perfection," I honestly told her, knowing Barb not only trusted me, but that she also was a bit of a human lie detector.

"Your girlfriend!" she said, with a large smile on her face. "That's wonderful, Eli! Well, then, why don't you take some time to talk to Clare and have her send me a resume and then next time you come by, after your midterms, just bring her with you and we can do her interview together, okay?" Barb asked.

"It would be okay that we waited the two weeks of midterms to get this rolling?" I asked her, knowing how Barb liked to respect strict deadlines and how she generally liked to take care of business as quickly as possible.

Barb stood up, grabbed her sweater off the back of her chair, and she flashed me a large smile as she said, "Oh, Eli, we both know the job's already hers if she wants it," and she winked at me before she quickly stepped out of the conference room and on to her next meeting of the day, leaving me behind, slightly dumbfounded and incredibly excited.

Thirty minutes later, I was sitting with Clare on the edge of the campus fountain and she reached over and scooped up some of my chocolate ice cream with her spoon while I had a bit of her maple walnut cone.

"I can't believe it's nice enough for ice cream in February," she said with an adorable giggle.

"Well, seeing how this is probably the only sunny day that Toronto will allow us for the next three of four months, I think it's definitely important we take advantage," I told her and she smiled and nodded in return.

I decided to share my mom's news with her first. "Clare, I told you my aunt is getting married in September, right?"

"Yes, Cece's sister, right?" she asked and I nodded in response.

"The wedding is in Hamilton the weekend of September 17th…and I'd like you to come with me as my date," I specified. I thought Clare would love a wedding…mom had said that all girls do, so why was a look of hesitation spread across her face as soon as she heard that date?

"Sure, Eli, that would be lovely," she replied, much to my delight – I guess I was imagining things for a while there. "But let me just check on those dates, all right?" she quickly added.

"Of course," I told her, hoping she could come. It would be horrible without her, but…if she came, it might be…rather nice.

There was something else that was really the real reason why I had asked her to hang out right now, though.

"Clare, there's something I need to tell you about work," I started, barely able to contain my excitement.

"What is it? You'll be working for Big Brothers again in the summer, right?" she asked as she adjusted her blue wrap-around scarf.

"Yes, they renewed my contract…and that's kind of what I actually wanted to talk to you about. My boss Barb – remember how I told you about her?" I asked. Clare had finally been privy to exactly how I came to find the funding for Project Love…everything during our time apart slowly came to light with every passing day that we were together.

"Yes, she sounds so nice," she responded.

"She really is," I assured her, "Anyway, she was telling me how she is looking to hire someone new for the summer to work in grant-writing. It's a part time position, twenty-five hours per week, and she asked me if I knew anyone that would be good for the job – she prefers to hire staff based on recommendations," I explained, hoping Clare could see where I was going with this. She was just nodding in response as the reddish tint her hair always gained in the sunlight held me mesmerized.

"Well, I mentioned…you," I admitted, hoping she would find this to be good news and that she wouldn't be totally freaked out.

"You did?" she shyly asked me, and she took another spoonful of my ice cream as a large smile crossed her face. I took all those gestures as a positive direction, so I continued eagerly.

"Of course I did – I explained to her how wonderful your writing is, and how you already have so much experience working with charities despite the fact that you are so young," I told her, and I noticed her cheeks were turning that rosy shade of pink that I loved so much already.

"Anyway, she basically told me that the job is yours if you want it. She does need a resume and an interview that I'd be sitting in on as well, but those are more formalities, you see?" I asked her. I was really nervous at what she would say, and I tried to keep my thoughts away from how wonderful it would be to get to work with her every day.

"Eli, that's so amazing! I would love to love to love to!" she excitedly said, and then quickly added, "But there is something I do need to know, though, before I can make my final decision. How much time would I be spending working directly with you?" she asked, and I could feel my palms start to get sweaty. _I knew it. I knew she'd find it too much. I knew she'd find it…suffocating. _

"Well, um, I'll be leading the grant writing department, so we'd have weekly meetings, but I wouldn't bother you all the time, Clare. You'd have your own small office, and I promise I'll let you have your space, it's not like I'm trying to…" I was quickly enumerating, but I was cut off by the sweet taste of Clare's berry lip-gloss.

As she pulled away from the kiss, she said, "Eli, you need to stop those thoughts. This is a fantastic job where I can use my writing for a good cause, but what makes it even _more_ special is that I'd get to work with you, so you'd better come meet me for lunch. Every single day. And I'll drive us to work some days, and you others, okay?" she asked me, and I was so happy that I never wanted this moment to end.

Clare continued, "And we can get coffee together sometimes," trailing her hand up my spine, "…and you can come by my office anytime you want," moving her hand through my hair now, "and…when we win a grant, we can celebrate with a tiny contraband kissing session," she continued, trailing her hand slowly down my chest, and slipping her fingers a little underneath my shirt, resting her hands on my belt and lightly brushing the skin just above it. She'd quickly learned just how to drive me nuts, but I wouldn't have guessed she'd slip her fingers under my shirt…outside, in public. It was barely discernable because we were sitting so close anyway, but it was pure torture because I couldn't reciprocate as we were in public after all, and that wasn't my style. I narrowed my eyes at her in return and gave her a heated kiss, and I felt her pull her hands away from my belt as she wrapped them behind my neck, just as I anticipated she would.

"Thank you…for recommending me," she managed to barely get out in a nervous whisper as I pulled away and grabbed her hand as we headed inside the library to start studying for our first few midterms.

**Clare's POV**

Alli flipped through the brochure I handed her and she gave me a quick smile but when she came to the last page her expression changed to a frown.

"Um, as fun as this all looks – do you see the choices for my program – Switzerland, Germany? No thanks, I won't understand a word about what goes on around me," she told me, and I couldn't argue with her. "We can't _all_ be English majors," she said sarcastically.

She then paused for a second, returning to her chemistry problem set, but quickly turned around and said, "Are you going to do it for sure?" and she had a sad look on her face.

I assured her, "I'm just going to a meeting, nothing more. I just thought you might like to come. Imogen is. Anyway, I'll be back around five, okay?" I told her as I headed towards the door to our apartment.

"Eli's coming to the meeting too, right? He's an English major, so that would work really well," she pointed out, and I could feel my cheeks burning. I knew I would have to give her an answer.

"Actually, he's not, I didn't tell him I'm going…or that I'm thinking about this," I told her.

Alli's eyes widened and she quickly exclaimed, "Clare, you should tell him if you're seriously thinking about it!"

"I haven't even applied yet, Alli, I'm just going to a meeting!" I pointed out.

"He has a right to know," was all she said in response.

"He has a right to know or I should tell him so he doesn't freak out and have another psychotic break?" I told her, a little annoyed with her tone.

Alli's look didn't soften at all like I expected it to, but she rather raised her voice as she said, "He's your _boyfriend_! And, Eli is…the long term kind of boyfriend, not the here-one-semester-gone-the-next type. I didn't mean it like that at all. You really don't think he should know?" she asked.

"I'm not saying I'm never going to tell him," I insisted. "I just don't feel the need to tell him every little place I go all the time," I pointed out, although I could tell right away that wasn't fair. Eli definitely wasn't keeping tabs on me or anything like that, he had learned the space lesson really well.

"Just don't wait too long to let him know," Alli told me, and I nodded in response before we said our goodbyes and I walked off towards the direction of the SUB.

**Eli's POV**

"Tadaa – last midterm paper of the semester!" I said, holding out the freshly printed out pages for Adam to admire.

"Awesome, Eli. I just wish I could say the same," he said as he looked to his physics homework with a frown.

"When's your last midterm again? Friday?" I asked him and he nodded in response as he punched some numbers with anger into his calculator.

I threw him a chocolate bar and said, "You can do it, man. That English paper you wrote was solid, definite A for sure," I told him.

"Thanks for fixing that up again. I know you think the first year English classes are a 'slow and painful death'," he said, quoting what I told him when I discouraged him from selecting one of those. Adam had opted to enrol in one anyway, telling me he'd prefer an easy elective, no matter how boring it might be, that could give him a high mark without a lot of work, and I couldn't argue with that logic.

He continued, "I miss reading real literature like we did with Mrs. Dawes, but what can I do?" and I just shrugged my shoulders in response. For his first year English class, they basically had to prove they were capable of putting together a decent research essay, and Adam had always been strong at English anyway, so I really had just a little bit of advice for him and a few corrections her and here; I knew his paper would get an A, especially when I remembered that the other students in the course were science and engineering kids who had a lot of trouble with writing.

"Well, just hang on until Friday, and then we can all go out and do something fun," I told him and he agreed with a smile. Our girls had already finished their midterms, so they were kind of waiting on us.

I had finished my paper a lot earlier than I expected – the last 1000 words or so kind of just flowed – so I decided to text Clare and ask her if she wanted to grab some coffee and cheesecake and I knew she'd look over my paper as well, so I stuffed that in my backpack after I sent her a text. I knew she was free on Wednesday afternoons this semester, so I was a bit confused when her reply was

_Sorry, I can't. I'm a meeting. _

We were all a lot busier in college than we ever were at Degrassi, and I figured this meeting must have been and impromptu one, so her answer didn't really upset me – we'd find another time soon enough. I just replied,

_Don't worry about it. Have a good meeting and say hi to Mathew for me!_

The only meetings Clare had other than her Campus Christian Students' Association ones – and those were always only on the weekends, much to my chagrin – were for the paper, and Mathew was the news section editor, which I knew worked well to Clare's advantage because he favoured her because he knew she was my girlfriend. Mathew and I became really good friends in my first year at U of T – he was just about to graduate and he was the last chapter co-ordinator before Imogen and I took over. We had a few meetings in my first year and he told me about what would be expected of me; it seemed like the girl he co-ordinated with and him had a similar arrangement to the one Imogen and I have; he would do a lot more of the writing and planning while she would take care of the more social stuff. He had told me it worked really well for them, which was really good news to me back then, because I knew I didn't want to do all that stuff and it was nice to hear other people had made it work for them.

Although he technically stopped being a member of the Foundation in fourth-year because he got really busy with running the newspaper, I was able to ask Harry for a favour on his behalf and Harry let him come to the regional meeting in Montreal that year anyway, and I knew Mathew was still really grateful for me because I had worked that out for him. I knew it would be awesome to have him come, because he would do this really cool workshop of writing for university papers, and it was one of the most popular ones I had ever seen given.

Clare never replied to me, which was a little odd, but I shrugged it off, thinking I shouldn't be so paranoid – that worked_ so _well last time, after all. So I just spend the rest of the afternoon doing some readings for my history class, and when Clare did get back to me, we eventually met up in the dining hall and had our coffee and cheesecake.

"Switch," I heard her say, and our plates traveled in a semi-circle across the table.

"That was a cool paper, Eli, I wouldn't have thought of that topic," I heard her say. She was wearing her angel necklace again today, which thrilled me to no end. She wore it a lot, and I loved the sight of that delicate shape nestled in between the tips of her collar bones. If we were in one of our rooms, and not in the dining hall, I would move the angel and place a kiss in that very spot, and I knew it would take her about two seconds to regain her senses, and that exhilarated me to no end.

"Well, those were some very fine corrections – pretty sure I would have been docked a grade if I handed in my paper pre-Clare proofreading," I honestly told her.

"Same here, without pre-Eli proofreading," she said with a small giggle.

I saw her look up and wave at someone behind me, so I turned around and saw no one other than Mathew, and he came and sat down with us for a bit.

"Did you guys have a good meeting today?" I asked the two of them.

Mathew smiled and said, "Yeah, I loved being in a meeting where I didn't have to be in charge and yell at everyone," and Clare just gave him an awkward little giggle in response. Clare had told me that he had a bit of a reputation at the paper for his short fuse. I guess someone else must have been running the meeting they were in earlier today, but I thought that as news editor, he was always in charge of them. But I didn't know the inner workings of the paper very well at all.

"Are you going to do it for sure, Clare?" Mathew asked her, but I had no clue what he was referring to.

"I'm not sure yet," she shyly said. Why was her face all red?

"Yeah, me either. It's just so long, you know?" he asked, and she just nodded in response. He quickly excused himself as I heard his phone buzz, and after he left I asked her, "What is he on your case about?" but she just stared at her cheesecake and said, "Oh just, something about that meeting. Nothing major".

"You know you can tell me, right?" I asked her. I didn't want Clare to be afraid to share her concerns with me, and whatever Mathew was talking about…it seemed to unnerve her a bit.

She just got up from her side of the table and came over and sat next to me before giving me a sweet and gentle kiss that got my heart racing, and I knew she could tell because her palm was pressed up against my chest right in the region of my heart, a little trick that seemed to amuse her to no end. Just as she began to pull away I captured her lips and placed my hand around her lower back, pulling her closer and deepening the kiss. That's her little punishment for thinking she can fluster me with no consequences. She gave me a playful little smile as she went back to her seat, and the motion of her skirt held me captive for a minute or two.

I snapped out of it and asked her about something that I had forgotten to after me and Imogen's last meeting to plan chapter activities.

"Hey, Clare, don't forget to sign up for the regional meeting – it's in Calgary next year, it'll be so fun to go on a plane and everything. October 11th-13th. I noticed your name wasn't on the list yet," I pointed out and noticed that she got all red again and she wouldn't meet my gaze. I knew she wanted to run a workshop at the next meeting; she had told me so at the last meeting, so was she all nervous about that?

I didn't want her to be, so I added, "I'll help you plan that workshop you wanted to, it's not that hard".

"Sure, okay, I won't forget," she quickly said, acting all…prickly. She then rapidly changed the subject, "So, about my papers and your master proof reading skills. Question - why must Dr. Gifford be _such_ a stickler?" she asked with a small frown.

"I know, I wondered that all of last year too, you know. I think he only does it because he knows his class is like a weeding-out process for everyone who wants to be a Lit major. I bet you in his 400-level classes he's a lot more relaxed," I told her, repeating what I heard from other friends who were older English majors.

"I sure hope so - and you can tell me if that's true next year," she cheekily added.

"How do you know with complete certainty that I'll take his class?" I shot back playfully.

"Because – you _know_ your chances of getting into the master's program are better if he knows who you are. Well, he already knows you, but I know that if you take his 400-level class next year, he'll know you even better," Clare told me, and I just shot her a smirk in response; I couldn't really get anything past her.

I hadn't shared my vision of the future with her yet…I didn't want to scare her off again, and she was only wrapping up her first year – it was so early for all of this talk. I told her I might like to get my PhD in English Lit as well, but just nonchalantly one time. I didn't want her to feel…._suffocated,_ like I was jealously guarding her all to myself forever. Because then she'd take off running as fast as possible, before I'd even get a chance to explain to her that my vision of a future with her is a dream that I only want to come true if it is what she wants as well. And I really hope it is; if at the end of college she decides this no longer works for her…that would completely shatter my heart. But…something in the way our relationship has been progressing so smoothly tells me she won't do that. Something tells me we are definitely on the right track, and that maybe, just maybe, I could have my best friend by my side for a long time to come.

**Clare's POV**

_ Congratulations and we look forward to receiving your confirmation in writing!_

That sentence, that awaited me in my e-mail inbox this morning, has been haunting me for the entire day.

I need to tell him. I need to tell him _now_. It's been two months! The longer I wait, the worse this is all going to get…and it's already _so_ bad.

"Are you ready sweetheart?" I heard my mom ask from downstairs. I appreciated the time I had at home even more ever since leaving for college. It was so nice to come home and sleep in my own bed, have my mom cook my meals for me, not have to stress about how long I have before I need to be in my next class, in my next meeting, how many nights are left before that paper is due or before that midterm or final exam is upon me.

I made my way downstairs and into my mom's car and she drove us to Little Miss Stakes where we had a lovely catch-up dinner, but about halfway through I felt like I was going to burst from anxiety anytime now.

"I just can't believe my youngest daughter has already finished one year of university," my mom exclaimed for about the hundredth time since I got home for the summer.

She continued, "And I'm excited for you working for Big Brothers writing grants for them. It's a great opportunity, and what I really like about it is that it's totally related to your major – very few university students can get these kinds of jobs, especially just after first year," she said with a proud smile.

She added, "I really like the ways Eli supports you, Clare. He's dependable, and that kind of a boy is rare these days. I was really worried about him at first, especially in that period when we didn't even know he was sick, but he's been just absolutely wonderful since university," she pointed out and I began to physically feel a little ill.

"He doesn't know!" I blurted out, and my mom shot me a confused look.

"He doesn't know that you'll be working for Big Brothers? But I thought he was the one who recommended you, that doesn't make any sense," my mom said with a frown.

"No, he knows about that – he _was_ the one who recommended me. He doesn't know…that I was accepted," I slowly said, knowing my mom would know what I meant this time. I had shown her the confirmation e-mail just this morning, right after receiving it.

"Oh, well I doubt it'll come as a surprise. Eli knows how smart you are, sweetie, he's guessed by this point that you got in," she responded.

I was getting a bit dizzy as I specified, "No mom, he doesn't even know I have applied," and my mom's jaw literally dropped in shock.

"You didn't tell him this at all? Discuss it with him?" she asked incredulously and all I could was just sit there and not meet her gaze as I ran my fork up and down the cloth napkin lying on the table.

"Clare, how could you?" she whispered. "I thought…you were serious about Eli," she said.

"I am, mom!" I immediately said.

"I can't believe this…you weren't excited at all, you didn't want to share this with him? Clare, how is he going to feel when he knows you've kept this from him for so long? He won't be very happy," my mom told me.

"I didn't mean to keep it from him! I just knew he'd be sad when he heard about it - that's why it was so hard to tell him, mom! He'll be…so sad! So I just didn't tell him that I went to that first meeting, and then I didn't tell him that I filed an application…and it all just happened so fast, you know? It's like the entire semester just flew by, and here we are…and I feel like…if I tell him now, it'll be this huge dark cloud hanging over our entire summer together, and I just want a fun summer with him. And a good summer at work, too," I specified for her.

"So what - you plan on telling him in September, the day before? Or do you just hope he won't notice?" my mom accused me. Her tone then got a lot gentler and she said, "Sweetheart, it's still early – there are four months until September…but you need to tell him, Clare. He has a right to know," she told me, echoing what Alli said two months ago. I had sworn both her and Imogen to secrecy, and I hated that they had to become a part of this as well. Every time that Eli would return from a meeting with Imogen, my heart would feel like it was about to jump out of my chest as I waited to see if she had slipped up by accident, or if she just couldn't hold it in anymore.

"But…you think I should accept it, mom?" I asked her.

"I…don't know, Clare. That's your decision. Your father told you about his experience, right, how did that sound to you?" my mom asked.

"Amazing and so much fun," I honestly responded, editing out the part where my dad had chastised me about planning to do this on my own.

"Well, Clare, I'm not going to tell you what to do. But you know I'd feel a lot better if someone else you knew was also doing this," my mom said. Obviously this was a point my dad and her agreed on, which ever since the divorce was a rather rare feat.

"I don't need anyone to protect me," I stubbornly answered. I hated how everyone seemed to think I was this defenceless little girl who couldn't do anything on her own.

"I know that," my mom slowly said, "but it would just be much more fun with someone else there".

"My friend and boss from the paper Mathew had confirmed, and Imogen has too, I think," I told my mom. The truth was that I was relieved Imogen was also doing this, because my mom had a point about how much better it would be to do this with a friend. I didn't know Mathew very well at all; he was just Eli's friend and my boss to me.

"Well, that's good, sweetheart, but how well do you know those people?" my mom pursued.

"Mathew not so well, but Imogen I have gotten to know quite well," I let her know.

My mom still looked hesitant though, and she softly said, "Clare, to be perfectly honest, I wish Eli were also doing this. He's an English major, isn't he? Or…you wouldn't like to have him there?"

"It's not like that…it just…doesn't strike me as his thing particularly," I told her.

"How do you know that? How can you know that? Working for Big Brothers with little children never struck me as his thing either, until I saw him do it, and he is absolutely superb at it," she pointed out.

All I could do was nod in response, and the point my mom had made stayed on my mind for the entire night. It was on my mind as we drove home, as I had a shower, as I got changed for bed…and as I sent in my confirmation email and as my printer spewed out the five familiar pages. Eli and I were both taking one summer class at U of T; he would need to do that every summer if he wanted to finish his double major in five years, and I just thought it would make it easier on my schedule next year; and seeing how I lived in Toronto, it just made sense. We didn't stay on campus though; our classes were only six weeks long, two days per week, and they were at the same time, so we would drive there and back together. I would have to head there on my own tomorrow though, because I would have to go to the administration building without him seeing me. It's time for me to fix the mess that I made. By the time that we're both in our respective classes tomorrow, everything will be fine. No more huge secret. Just one signature and everything would be okay, I told myself over and over again, in an effort to reassure myself, but I just couldn't kick the nerves completely aside.

**Eli's POV**

Clare was doing something with her mom before class this morning, so I drove to campus on my own and after I parked, I headed to Bulldog Coffee where I ordered one medium dark roast and a vanilla latte that I added a little bit more milk to as well as a packet of sugar. I took a seat at a table and just waited for her to meet me here as we had planned. One of the many nice things about taking summer classes on campus was that the crowds of the regular school year were gone; I was getting quite spoiled not having to ever wait in line at Bulldog coffee or anything of the sort – I loved it. I saw Clare quickly rushing over to where I was – she stuffed some papers in her purse before sitting down at the table and giving me a sweet kiss.

"Sorry I'm late," she said after pulling away.

"It's all right, you're not late, I'm early," I told her, not wanting her to feel guilty.

"Everything go well with your mom?" I asked her. Why was her face getting all red?

"Uh huh," she just nodded. "Yum, this latte is perfect," she quickly added.

I brushed her somewhat strange behaviour off, thinking she must have been doing one of those mother-daughter things earlier, and if she talked about it with me it would be embarrassing. I briefly remembered the redness on Julia's face when I kept peppering her with questions about where exactly had she just been with my mom this one time, and she got so mad at me that she yelled some profanities before also yelling she had gone to the doctor's so she could get on the pill. Now, I knew for a fact that's not what Clare and her mom were up to – unless I was dreaming right now – but I figured it might be something almost as embarrassing, and I didn't want to make her talk about it to me if it would make her uncomfortable. But was something wrong with my girl?

"Clare…you're not sick, are you?" I quickly asked her.

"What? No, why would you ask me that?" she responded.

"I don't know…it just seems that you've been a little off the past few days," I gently told her, not wanting to use the word 'distant' and trigger off a fit of anger. I didn't want to argue with her.

She quickly said, "It's nothing, don't –" but she was interrupted by a very loud voice that completely made me freeze up as I racked my brain in a panic for what Dr. Sadler would tell me what to do right now.

"Well, well, well! Who do we have here? He lives after all, ladies and gentlemen! Elijah Goldsworthy in the flesh! Would you look at this!" he smugly said, and I saw Clare's face scrunch up in confusion as he came right up to our table.

_No. No. No. This isn't happening. _

What would Dr. Sadler say? What would Dr. Sadler say? What would she say, damn it? Why had I never asked her about what to do if this kind of a situation were to come up! I looked over at Clare and now she looked a little afraid as opposed to just confused. _I'm frightening her. No, please, no. _

He slammed his fist on the table and Clare jumped in fear. That horrible sight made me regain control of my senses as I stood up and gently took her arm, and guided her far behind me, placing myself in between her and him. If there was one thing I learned about him, is that he is unpredictable. If there is one thing that I know now, it is that he's like a vulture…patiently circling, studying and observing, before picking the perfect moment to swoop in and betray you in the worst way possible. But he is _not_ hurting my girl. He is not laying as much as a finger on her. He's not as easy to deal with as that idiot Jake, because he's smart. Smart he surely is, kept me blind all that time, didn't he?

I made sure Clare was at a safe distance behind me and I just stared despicably at him as he continued his little theatrics. "Yep, yep, here you are! _Eli Goldsworthy_," he said, drawing each syllable of my name out. "And here _I _am, Evan Busiek. Little reunion show at your lovely university, I am assuming. I'm a Western kid myself, just visiting, but you always were a smartie, weren't you Eli? Yeah, lovely little reunion here," he said, before he stepped a little closer to me and said, "But…we're not _all _here, are we, Eli?" and I felt like I was going to throw up any second now. Why was everything so damn bright all of a sudden? It wasn't that bright a few seconds ago!

"_Julia_'s not here, is she?" he said, with the cold serenity of a serial killer proudly listing all his murders on the stand. I glanced back at Clare, and she stood there frozen in fear, staring at Evan. Did she realize who he was? I don't think she would, even if I did briefly reference him to her one time.

Evan snarled, "But then again, she can't really…be here, can she? Funny thing, Eli, how you left school right after she…died," he accused, and I could feel the bile rising in my throat. I wanted to unclench my fists, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"You know, I was in the office for one thing or another as your dad was feeding the principal some lies about how 'Oh, poor emo Eli can't come back to school and see her empty locker, sit next to her empty desk, it's too much for him when he loved her so,'" he said, in a mocking tone. "But it's not like a shock jock is even a pathetic excuse for an actor, buddy – I could see the principal didn't buy _one _word of it…no one did in fact," he said as he got closer to me.

"And I see now, same old Eli – never did drop that emo look, did you now? You know, I always knew you were a nut job – Julia talked to me, you know. Every science class, while you were safely away writing your pathetic poetry in English or whatever it is you were doing in that class. And she'd tell me about how you'd always need to know where she was, how you'd freak out and start shaking when she didn't come to your house at the time she was supposed to…calling your house home for the both of you…when all she wanted to do was run away from you as fast as she could. She was going to break up with you, so we could be finally be together, you know," he said. What was he saying? Julia didn't talk to him; they might have done _that, _but it was just one time and… that was a mistake. She had said so, she said she was weak in that moment and confused and he took advantage of how emotional she was, she said…

"She was scared of you, you know. She told me that. And she sure had reason to, didn't she? You know, I knew you'd be pissed once you found out I had _fucked _her. But I never thought you'd go as far as _kill_ her. Hit her? Maybe, who knows. But no – you had to go and _kill _her. You've never been one for doing things halfway, but don't you think that was a bit much even for your standards? Couldn't stand that you weren't the only one to have fucked her, right? Well…maybe I can't blame you there – she was _good._ _Really good. _You know that little trick of hers, where she'd…oh, what I am saying, I'm sure you do! Well - I taught her that, you know. Taught her _everything _she knew - it wasn't just one time, one mistake, you idiot. I still can't believe you bought that, you _are _supposed to be smart after all. Anyway, I'd been fucking her for weeks. All those times when she didn't come to your house on time? Well, I kept her…occupied, shall we say. And man, was it ever _great. _She was absolutely mind-blowing - never once told me to stop, in fact I can almost hear her now, calling my name over and over and over again," he said, and then he moved to the side a little and I have never felt more anger coursing through my veins than the moment in which his greedy lust filled eyes travelled up and down Clare's body.

"Hmm, is _this one_ any better? Maybe you can teach her Julia's trick, or better yet, let the real teacher show her," he had the audacity to say as he took the smallest of steps towards her, but all it took was one punch and he was down on the floor.

I shook my fist out and it finally came to me, clear as day – _That's what Dr. Sadler would have wanted me to do. _

I knew what I would have to do next would break my heart and hurt me more than anything I have ever been through, but I had to. So I did it. I turned around and looked at her, and the sheer terror on her face was the most gut-wrenching thing I have ever seen. That was the moment in which I knew I lost her for good.

**Clare's POV**

_Oh, Eli. _This was terrible. He's been working so hard to repress these memories – and now, this guy just brought them rushing back. And in what a way. I knew something was suspicious and just not right from the very first moment that he addressed Eli, but when he started talking about how not everyone was here…I _just knew_. This is the guy with who Julia cheated on Eli with. The guy who had apparently been one of his best friends – but I really couldn't see how this horrible human being can be friends with my Eli.

But then I think of Jake and Jenna and the fake sweetness they put on and how deceiving it was…and I remember just how horribly conniving and calculating some human beings really can be. And…the things he said…not only were they so heinous and hurtful…but that was no way to talk about a girl who had passed. The Julia topic was one Eli and I steered clear of; it was really the only thing we hadn't discussed since reuniting, but we never talked about it extensively when we were dating either, so I wasn't all that concerned about it. From what Adam had also told me, it appeared that after his therapy, Eli started talking about Julia less and less, and I knew that Eli did used to talk to Adam about her more than he did to me. And I didn't think that was such a bad thing…I knew Dr. Sadler worked with Eli on properly processing her death, and if he chose to stop talking about her as much…I interpreted that as a successful progression on his part.

But this…how could poor Eli face this now? I knew Julia had meant a lot to him; I didn't need to know everything about her or their relationship to figure out that much; even the very first time that he told me about her, he referred to her as the closest person in his life. I knew he truly cared about her, and Eli had told me that these days he chose to believe she didn't cheat on him…but, I knew that deep down inside he knew that she had, and that is the ultimate betrayal considering his friend was the other participant. This…was a feeling I was quite familiar with myself, but the circumstances made it so much more intense than what I had experienced with Jenna and KC.

I was too worried about Eli's emotions and what we had to do next to care about the fact that he had punched this guy. And part of me couldn't help but think…what did this Evan expect, coming here and telling him all that stuff? He's pretty lucky a punch is all he got. Most importantly, I knew that it was the disgusting thing that he had said in my direction that really set Eli off. I knew he was horrified by the way Evan looked at me, and…so was I. I knew I needed to show Eli in the next few critical moments that what just happened didn't scare me and that we could easily deal with the aftermath together. Because I know we can.

I ran over to where Eli was standing right away and I saw that a look of surprise crossed his face. I placed my hand over his chest, and sure enough, his heart was absolutely racing. Evan was still on the ground, so I quickly gave Eli's hand a squeeze and whispered "Just hang onto me," into his ear.

I was really happy to see that the barista had called a campus police officer and I pulled Eli with me as I went over to the police officer and directly told him, "Officer, that guy is not a U of T student. He came here and threatened to assault me so my boyfriend punched him in order to stop his scary advances. He is making me feel unsafe on my own campus, please help us," knowing full well that U of T had strict policies when it came to these sorts of things.

Fifteen minutes later, Evan had been escorted off campus and banned from returning, after I signed a complaint form in the campus security office. I didn't let go of Eli's hand the entire time and he was breathing so hard at intermittent times that the officers in the office had to ask him several times if he was okay. He wasn't able to form a coherent answer at any point; he just nodded a couple of times.

Once we were finished with all the legal formalities and both our classes were well underway by this point, I was relieved that it was finally just the two of us again. I led him out of the SUB and sat us down just under a tree, hidden from the view of everyone walking around campus. It was really warm outside and the shade of the tree provided a nice shelter. I could tell Eli was struggling to process everything that had happened and that a million thoughts were running through his mind, but I knew he was still a short while away from speaking.

I crawled into his lap and tightly hugged his shoulders and just held onto him, knowing he would need the physical awareness of not being alone right now – this was another hint that Imogen had told me; she would remember something every once in a while that wasn't in any of the books I had read, and she would just text me or we'd have coffee and talk about it, making me so grateful for her support and expertise in this topic. I could feel that Eli was shivering involuntarily, on and off every few minutes – the tremors would last about 30 seconds, and then his breathing would pick up again…it was all like a never ending road. I pulled out of our hug just a bit and rested my hand against his heart like I always used to do whenever I was trying to calm him down – but I just felt like I needed to get as close to him as possible right now, so I slipped my hand under his shirt and I heard a tiny surprised gasp escape his lips at the contact; his chest was so hot so my hand probably felt cold, but he didn't complain so I didn't remove it. I could tell he was sweating quite a bit, but I didn't mind. I felt his heart slow down after a few minutes, and Eli reached for my arm, pulled my hand out from under his shirt, and just held it lovingly for a minute before placing a kiss on it.

"I'm sorry," he told me in a barely audible whisper.

I pushed his now sweaty bangs away from his eyes and responded, "None of what just happened was your fault in any way, shape, or form," keeping my voice soft and my tone warm.

"I hate…that you were dragged into this. I'm sorry," he repeated, and I felt his body shake again.

"Look at me," I assertively told him, and he listened. "I love you. How could _you _have anything to apologize for, Eli?" I gently asked him.

"I don't want…you to suffer from the ghosts of my past. But…it seems like no matter what I do, they'll keep chasing me forever. I didn't want…my past with Julia to come in between us _again_, but it sure did," he said, a bitter tone invading his voice.

"Eli – what just happened was a horrible event over which you had no control," I said. "And I'm not going anywhere," I told him, and right after those words escaped my lips, I felt him pull me a little closer to him and he let out a deep sigh.

"Only if you want to stay. Not because you feel like you have to, please," he whispered. Was this him offering me an out clause or something?

"Eli, I love you," I emphatically repeated, and I leaned in towards his ear and softly kissed his piercing. "Will you spend the day with me today?" I asked him, pulling away from his embrace just a bit so I could meet his gaze.

"I should take you back to class, it's already started," he softly said as he looked at his watch. I gently laid my hand on top of his watch and said, "We're going to miss today's classes, okay? Just one day, we'll get notes from someone in class, just one day is all right, we'll catch up," and he just nodded in response. He scanned my eyes as I wiped his tears away with the sleeve of my cardigan and he nodded again.

"Good," I said, and I placed a kiss on his nose. I began standing up but Eli gently pulled me back down.

"Clare…" he began, and I gave his hand a squeeze in encouragement.

He took a deep breath and continued, "Do you know who he was?" and I slowly nodded in response.

Eli continued, "He…said some awful things. I just…want you to know….it wasn't like that. She wasn't the way he made her sound. Julia and I were in a relationship that meant a lot to me at the time, I wasn't just sleeping around with her for fun. He lied. And…I didn't kill her, Clare, at least not directly. That night…I confronted her about what was going on with Evan because he had told me at school that he slept with her. She eventually started crying and admitted it, said she was all emotional before it happened because of something her stepmom had said about no guy wanting her and he took advantage of that. I believe her. I believe that it was just one time. I even try to believe that it never did happen these days, because I don't want that thought to be the last memory I have of her. Obviously I was furious when I found out she slept with a guy who was one of my closest friends at the time, and I said some horrible things to her when I was upset, but…she took off on her bike in the middle of the night and she got hit by a car. That's what happened, I swear," he said, his voice choking all throughout and a look of deep regret etched on his face.

"I know, Eli. You told me, and I believe it. Of course I believe it. I'm so sorry that happened, but you know I believe it," I repeated assertively, because I knew he was being honest with me and there was no way I would trust what Evan was saying.

Eli took another deep breath, "And…what he said about me trying to control her all the time, how she felt…suffocated," he continued, and I could sense that this was truly painful for him; I now realized just how hurtful what I said to him the day of our break-up was.

"Eli…" I started, but he cut me off immediately.

"No, I want you to know. Julia had a lot of problems with her stepmom….towards the end there she stayed with my family more than she stayed with her own as things got worse and worse, and…I was scared for her, Clare. I was scared her stepmom would start hurting her physically as opposed to only emotionally. Because it happened once; she slapped Julia. I was scared her dad might do the same too – he was so absorbed by his new family that Julia was just this thing in the way, a reminder of his old life that he hated, as she would always say. So whenever she'd go over there, I was always worried about when she would be coming back…I just didn't want anything to happen to her. Ironic, isn't it?" he said, bitterness and resignation mixed together in his tone.

I felt tears stinging my eyes at seeing just how much pain Eli was forced to live with every day, so I told him the only thought running through my mind, "Eli…she's _so _lucky she had you to look after her so well," I told him, and his lower lip was quivering as he met my gaze. I knew no one had probably let him see this perspective before, so the look of surprise on his face didn't really shock me.

I continued, "If she wouldn't have had you, Eli, her life…would have been over so much sooner. Her life would have been over for good the minute her stepmom moved in, don't you see? Living with that woman and her dad if that's how he felt about her…that's not a life, Eli. You _saved her life_, and I don't know why her actual physical life had to end so soon, but…for the time that she was here for, you _saved her_, Eli," and we were both overcome with sobs at that point, so I just tightly hugged his shoulders again and we held each other for a long time until both of our tears subsided.

"Don't believe what he told you, Eli, I believe her too. I think it was just that one mistake, he was lying," I whispered to him.

"I know," Eli breathed, and I was happy to hear that.

I was now convinced more than ever that Eli's diminishing of talking about Julia was a healthy thing as a result of his time with Dr. Sadler, but I just needed to tell him, "Eli, you can talk to me about her anytime, you know. I was wrong…I realize now it wasn't about Julia, and I am not going to think that if you do talk about her. You've dealt with her death well now, I can tell," and he gave my shoulder a loving squeeze.

"I don't talk about her much anymore, Clare…I don't even think about her much," he said, confirming what I suspected.

"All right, but if you ever need to…I'm here. I love you," I told him, and I kissed him fiercely.

I knew that this wasn't on the same level, but I thought it might help Eli if he didn't have to feel quite so alone in all of this, so I whispered to him, "You know…in grade nine…I dated KC," and I saw the look of surprise on his face at that piece of information.

"Anyway, as soon as Jenna came to Degrassi, he only had eyes for her, and she encouraged him all the time. Faster than I could process everything, he dumped me and the two of them spent the rest of high school happily making out left, right and centre in every hallway in the school," I told him, and he only stared at me more incredulously.

Eli's face spread into a smirk as he said, "Not to mention getting pregnant and becoming parents at fifteen," and I just buried my face in his neck and whispered, "Yup, guess we all know the _real _reason why he dumped me," as I twirled my purity ring absent mindedly.

Eli let me hide for a minute before I felt him gently place his hands under my underarms and he supported me so I was right in front of him, his gaze staring right through me. "He doesn't _deserve_ you. Never did, and never will. Not in a million years. I always knew that guy was an idiot," he told me, his face shining with so much emotion and sincerity that I couldn't help but close the distance between us and give him a passionate kiss.

"I don't care about him, though, because then _you_ came to Degrassi and swept me off my feet," I said, and I heard Eli mutter "Damn right," and I couldn't help but giggle in response and give him a more playful kiss.

"I love you too," he softly said as he pulled away and took a breath.

"So, still up for spending the day with me?" I asked him, knowing my idea was just the thing we both needed right about now.

"Of course," he said as he placed a kiss on my forehead.

"Good, then – listen to my instructions very carefully. Go to your room and get your swimsuit, a towel, and a change of clothes," and Eli narrowed his eyes in response.

"We're going to the aquatic centre?" he asked.

"No time for questions, mister," I said as I pulled us both off the ground and started quickly walking towards the direction of our residence buildings. "Meet me at the Jeep in 15," I told him, and I was ecstatic to hear him chuckle in response.

"All right, all right, you're the boss," he told me, raising his hands in defence.

Twenty minutes later, I saw Eli approaching the Jeep as I tapped my foot sarcastically and pointed to my watch.

"Someone is a diva," I told him, but he just silenced me with a kiss.

"Hey, you'd better thank your lucky stars I even brought a pair of swimming shorts to campus, and then it was a miracle I was even able to find them," he told me, before complementing the white summer dress that I had changed into, and tugging on the halter top strap of my swimsuit a little too suggestively.

He got really close to me and huskily whispered in my ear, "Can't wait to see _your_ pretty swimsuit, though," and I immediately felt myself blush about ten different shades of red. Little did he know I spent a good portion of the last fifteen minutes shaving my legs…and I was in such a panic that Alli came in and even helped me, doing one as I focused on the other. Now if that's not the true measure of a friend, then I don't know what is.

"Let's just get going, silly," I told him as I motioned towards the driver's seat. Eli must have felt my hesitation however, because I felt him place his hand on my lower back as he asked me, "Where are we going exactly?"

"I thought…we could take a break from everything," I shyly said, "head to Wasaga beach for the day?" and he flashed me a huge smirk as he said, "Sounds perfect, Clare. Why don't you let me drive, though, there's no way to get to Wasaga beach other than taking the 401 for a long time," and I was grateful to hear that I wouldn't have to deal with that nightmare of a freeway.

I was a little sad though, and I could tell Eli picked up on it, so I just told him, "I wanted it to be a sort of surprise, like…I could just take you there. Just me, and you, and the Jeep," I specified, hoping he would pick up on my desire to make up for my insensitivity all that time ago.

He now placed both of his arms around my lower back and pulled me in a little tighter as he said, "But it is, Clare. It's the best surprise anyone has ever given me," sincerity dripping from his every word, and he sealed the deal with a sweet kiss that left me grinning up at him.

"All right," I told him, and we both got in the car, throwing our bags in the back. Eli started driving and as soon as he switched to only using one hand, something he usually did just after a few minutes when he didn't need to use his right hand, I reached for it and rested our joined hands on the divider between our two seats. I felt a contented sigh leave my body and I leaned further into the seat, allowing the sun's rays to hit my face as I studied the boy opposite of me and let joy overtake me at the sight of his calm and contentedness.

The drive was beautiful, and Eli's selection of music strangely suited it, and as much as I never wanted this moment to end, I was excited to finally get out of the car and walk on the beach with Eli, and spend the rest of the day with just him. Working at Big Brothers together was fantastic, and seeing Eli's professionalism and his talent for grant writing was really interesting, and I wasn't doing so badly in the job myself if I dare say so, but it was still…work. The fact that we were both taking a summer class as well as working kept us rather busy, and it had been so long since we were able to spend an entire day together, just the two of us.

As soon as Eli found a parking space, I jumped out of the car excitedly. I really loved the beach, and ever since my parents' divorce, I hadn't spent a single day here. But I didn't want to think about the divorce today. I wanted today to be perfect.

"Are you hungry, Clare? Can I take you to lunch at that restaurant over there? It looks so cool," I heard Eli say as he pointed to a gorgeous restaurant down on the dock; it had hanging red flower baskets and nice blue tables that were reminiscent of a Greek island style.

"Oh, I'd love to go there!" I told him, practically bursting with excitement, and Eli grabbed my hand with a huge smirk on his face, chuckling at my initial unbalance when I realized the dock that the restaurant was on moved with each wave. Eli had to stabilize me a few times, and he cheekily apologized for the way he raised my dress _by accident_ as he insisted, every time that it happened. I chose a nice table in the shade and after we both ordered chicken burgers, fries, and drinks, Eli asked me if I wanted to go to the small second-hand bookstore that we had seen driving in, and I nodded in confirmation, as I had wanted to ask him that myself, but it just escaped my mind.

"And then it can be beach time," I said excitedly, while he nodded with a sparkle in his eyes.

Our food came quickly, and it was delicious just like Eli said it was, and then he also ordered two ice cream sundaes, despite my insistence that he didn't have to.

"Are you kidding me? No ice cream at the beach? What kind of life is that, Edwards?" he playfully said, as he tossed some of his extra fries to the eager birds hanging around the restaurant.

He playfully added, "And besides, it can be like a tiny celebration for the fact that a certain brilliant and beautiful girl is now officially an English major," he said, in reference to the good news I had received about a week ago.

"And a certain intelligent and talented boy is a double major now, if I am not mistaken," I retorted cheerfully. Eli had just found out he had been successfully accepted to the Creative Writing major around the same time that I found out about my English major.

"Ouch!" Eli quickly said, "I don't get a 'handsome' or 'sexy' or anything of the sort?"

"Um…let me think about that one…nope," I sarcastically told him, adding, "or else your ego will inflate to the point where you will actually float away and join these little black birds you seem to be so fond of," and he just flashed me a smirk as the waitress brought our ice cream sundaes to us and reminded Eli that it would be better if people didn't feed the birds.

The sundaes were amazing, and Eli and I had ordered different kinds, so we'd steal spoonfuls from one another every so often as we were discussing what courses to take next year with what professors. I was a little surprised to hear Eli tell me that he would like to teach at the university after he finished all his own studies, while of course trying to get his writing career going. I could definitely imagine Eli as a lit prof – he would be the one whose classes would fill up on the very first day that registration opened and the prof whose lectures would be a pleasure to go to, but he hadn't mentioned this plan to me before. He knew I was also interested in an English master's degree just like he was and that I was really interested in law school as well, but this idea on his part in regards to his own future was amazing, just new to me.

"That sounds great, Eli! Working for the university would be so nice," I told him.

"I mean, it's a bit of a longshot, I know teaching jobs at U of T are pretty rare, and I might have to do my PhD somewhere else if I want to teach there," he said, and I felt a pang in my heart. I knew that was still years away, but I didn't like the thought of Eli having to move cities for years. That thought only plagued me with guilt though, as I realized before everything happened with Evan this morning I planned on telling him. I _have to_ tell him! I just…don't want to ruin this beautiful moment.

"I think it just goes so well with your plan of being a writer, you know?" I pointed out.

"That's the reason I like it so much," he said.

"You don't want the risk of it taking a while to get noticed, because I know you will – it's just a question of when, right?" I commented, because I had enormous confidence in his talent. It was just so hard to get published these days.

"It's not so much that I don't think _I _would mind the risk, or the instability, because I could handle that," he said, "it's just that…I would like to be able to _provide_ a certain stability, you know?" he softly said, almost whispering, making me wonder if he meant…

"Stability, like for other people but yourself?" I pushed him.

He got a blush on his face as he said, "Well, one day, you know…I'd like to be able to set up a life," he continued, and my eyes almost teared up. Did he mean…with me? He was phrasing everything in general terms and he was being so cautious…and I think I knew why that was; he was scared of scaring me off again, but this wasn't me and him locked in a room writing novels. This was…me and him just imagining a life together. This was…beautiful.

I just snuggled up a little closer to him in response and took another spoonful of his berry covered sundae as I reached for his hand and he placed a gentle kiss in my curls.

As much as I didn't want that moment to end, Eli got the bill pretty soon and then we made our way to the cutest little used bookstore where we each picked out two novels, and I could tell he was just as excited about reading them on the beach for a little while as I was, so we went back to the Jeep to grab our bags and towels.

After a pretty long walk along the beach, making our way through the tips of the waves that broke on the shore and a five minute process of convincing Eli to wait until we are actually in the water before beginning to splash me – I was wearing a white dress after all, I didn't want to give everyone a show, and that argument played right into Eli's fiercely protective ways so I knew it would be immediately successful – we found a nice secluded spot and we set our towels down.

"Damn it, I should have changed when we were back at the main beach, now I have to walk all the way back to the changing rooms that I didn't even see the first time around," he said, the irritation in his voice very clear.

I just giggled and told him that was tough luck, but I really didn't see any other option. I would prefer if he didn't completely strip on a public beach.

Eli frowned when he looked at just how far away we were from the changing rooms before sighing and saying it was the only thing he could do. He got closer to me though, placing one hand on my lower back and whispering in my ear, "Just promise me you won't change until after I get back, okay?" and I slapped his shoulder playfully, as I exclaimed, "Eli! You just want to watch me take my clothes off?" and I felt my face flaming.

"Hey – you have a swimsuit underneath, and yes, I do, would be the answer to that question anyway," he immediately said, flashing me a smirk and a quick wink.

"Just GO!" I told him, shoving him in the direction of the change rooms as he started walking, shooting me a sad longing look in response that caused me to burst out in giggles.

I laid out both of our towels side by side and I pulled out Eli's iPOD from where he always kept it in his bag and went to the playlist of songs that he had made for me, naming it 'Clare'. Eli was always in the know about the latest music, something he grew up with under his parents' influence, I'm sure, but I loved that he always took the time to add music that I liked to his iPOD as well, often unique things like live performances and bonus songs that I didn't even know existed. I lay down on my towel and began reading one of the novels we had bought, sliding on my sunglasses as the white pages of the paperback got even brighter in the sunlight.

It wasn't long at all before I jumped a little at the shock of Eli lying down next to me, and he quickly moved so he was right above me as the arms placed on either side of my head supported his weight. He gently pulled out the ear buds that belonged to his own iPOD as he said, "Glad to see you waited," and he slowly ran one of his hands down my side. He then began leaving a trail of kisses down my neck, placing a more pronounced kiss in the spot that he knew drove me a little crazy, and sure enough, I felt my body writhing a little bit under his before he pulled away and flashed me a smirk. I was a little overwhelmed at the sight of him shirtless and practically directly on top of me, as we had never really done this before, and I think he was able to tell as he raised his eyebrow at me and moved to pull away, but I quickly told him, "No, it's all right, I like it, it's just…there's people here," I shyly said.

"Not in this spot, Clare, we're the only ones," he pointed out, and I looked around a little and saw that he was right.

"Will you…help me take off my dress?" I shyly asked him, feeling my blush deepen, and he must have noticed that too as he placed a soft kiss on each of my cheeks before moving to undo the bows that the dress' straps formed on each of my shoulders. After the straps were undone, he placed a kiss in the spot against which the knots used to rest, and he slowly slid the dress down to my waist before he leaned in and traced the curves of my body with his hands, taking in the blue halter top of my swim suit, and then placed a trail of kisses…everywhere, making me blush furiously as I ran my fingers through his hair.

"Too much?" I heard him ask but I just sighed, "No, it's all right," in response, knowing Eli wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want him to. I stood up slowly, locking my hands behind his neck when he was directly in front of me after standing up as well, and he slowly pulled the dress down over my hips, and I felt it pool around my ankles as Eli kept his gaze only on my eyes and whispered, "Clare…do you even know how beautiful you are?" before leaning and giving me a passionate kiss that I instantly deepened. As I pulled away, I took his hand and we both lay down across our towels again, and I gave him a minute before I leaned over him and rewarded just how respectful but how passionate he managed to be earlier with a series of kisses that began on his neck, ensuring that one of him left a mark, and I continued down his chest, ending just above the waistband of his black swimsuit. His hands rested on my lower back and every so often he would ghost his fingertips in circles across my back, causing a tingling sensation to run through my entire body. When I placed my hands on the waistband itself, I heard his breathing hitch as he barely got out, "Clare…we should…go…swimming now," and he let out a deep breath when I moved off of him and lay down sideways against him. I hoped he didn't think I was being a tease, because I really did understand just how difficult things were for him sometimes, and the fact that he had committed himself to keeping my vow really meant so much more to me than I could ever communicate. I knew that soon I would be ready to let him guide me a step further, but…not on a beach, people or no people around. However, the look of trust and happiness that I saw after he opened them after a minute, told me he didn't think of me in that way.

I ran my fingers through his hair as he played with my angel necklace and I joined our hands and led us toward the water.

Once we entered it though, I couldn't help but shrieked "E-Eli, it's so-so cold!" scrunching my face up as goose bumps formed on my skin.

He just laughed in response as I felt him approach me and wrap his arms around me from behind, instantly lifting me up as I raised my legs so they weren't touching the water.

"No, Eli, don't go any deeper," I warned him as he kept walking ahead, "it's so cold! The point wasn't to go deeper!" I shrieked at him, and he did stop after a few extra steps.

I expected him to just drop me in the water, so I braced for the impact, but he just whispered in my ear, "Do you want to go down or do you want to go back?"

I let out an involuntary giggle before I shrieked, "Down!" and I scrambled out of his arms and began splashing him right away, knowing he would be completely ambushed by that. He dropped his jaw in shock and I really should have known better than to mess with him, because I was only able to run about five steps before he caught up with me and we both fell completely into the water, getting totally soaked. I giggled at the sight of his completely wet hair – it looked so different like that – and I went over to him as he instinctively placed his arms on my lower back while I pushed all of his hair back away from his face and placed a kiss on his wet lips. He didn't let me pull away though, deepening the kiss before running his fingers through my curls and setting them away from my face much like I had done with his own hair.

After a little bit more time in the water, we made our way back to the beach and Eli quickly picked up his towel, and shook all the sand out of it before quickly wrapping it around my shoulders and rubbing it against my shivering body as he pulled me in for a hug. I loved being overwhelmed by his characteristic smell, but I noticed that he was shivering from the cold as well, so I opened up the towel with a smile and he entered it, and I giggled at the fact that his body only made me wet all over again, but eventually we both dried off and settled down to read a little bit of our books and we shared Eli's ear buds as I let him choose the song selection. Eli was thrilled to see that I now recognized pretty much every song on his iPOD, and he must have noticed that it started to get a bit chillier as he handed me his T-shirt, which I was very grateful to put on as my dress was white and a little uncomfortable. I saw him staring at me for a minute after I slipped his shirt on, but he rapidly snapped out of it and opened his arms as I snuggled into them with my book and I heard him whisper, "Thank you for this amazing day. It was so perfect," right before he placed a kiss in my curls.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review, I need to see if people are still reading! What is up with Clare's secrecy earlier in the chapter…any predictions?**


	30. In God's Hands

**Hi lovely readers! Let's find out Clare's secret, shall we? I hope you're ready, things will get intense! But don't stress too much…don't want to the crazy stress the real show is putting on us EClare fans. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT? I'm just a little frustrated. Those sex scandals and that pregnancy that is apparently supposed to happen BETTER NOT INVOLVE ELI/CLARE/IMOGEN/JAKE. That would be so horrible. **

**I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate all of the sweet reviews you leave me. They make me smile, laugh, and want to continue writing this. I take everything you say very seriously, which is why I waited to post this chapter until I had also written the next one, at the request of my lovely reviewer Cool Person who said "Uggg man I wish you would write two chaps next time". Well, then Cool Person, I did! A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter: Sophia, Michelle-Chambers1, risaisbrilbril, xeneti (glad to hear from you friend! Happy to see you are still reading, thanks for the update!), EpicNinjaChica, MelissaIsLame, KarenIsCoolio, ilovetaylorswift13, MaddieLovesEclare, deena, musiksnob, MartinaAxi, Julsgracie, GinHermi, iloveeliandclare, ToDecember, TJ Binx and CheapNovelty. And a special thank you to my friend Stalker Angel (I hope you keep reviewing! Don't worry if you miss a chapter, but anytime you can it would be fantastic!)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, any of the music mentioned, or any other real-world references that I happen to make!**

**Eli's POV**

"Well, she'll be in England on exchange for the first half of the year," I informed Adam.

"So that's why she's coming over tonight, because she feels guilty?" he asked. He was at my house for guys' night – celebratory edition as I had just finished my summer class final and now I had three weeks of total freedom, well aside from work. I was really excited to just spend as much of my free time as possible with my girl – the day we had at the beach is one of the fondest memories of my entire life and I would like to try to relive it a few times before we have to head back to school.

"Ha, it's not really like that," I explained, "but I'm not going to replace her with someone else, so yeah, I do think she feels a bit guilty, but it's not a big deal – the regional conference is in Calgary this year, so we don't have nearly as much work to do as we did last year," I added, and just as I finished my sentence I heard the doorbell ring.

I headed towards the door and opened it, revealing a very flushed Imogen on the other side - she was always running late to basically every appointment ever, so I was used to seeing her like this.

"Hey, relax, you're not late," I told her as we made our way inside my house and she exchanged greetings with Adam. The two had gotten to know each other pretty well since Imogen started dating Daniel.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked her.

"Some water would be great, thanks," she replied and she quickly drank it after I handed it to her.

Adam stayed for a bit as we all just hung out a little, but he left pretty quickly after his mom called him, and Imogen and I could both hear her shouting on the other end of the phone, a thing that I was rather used to by now but that I could tell took Imogen a little by surprise.

We headed to my room, and Imogen complimented all my band posters as this was the first time she had ever been in here.

"Eli, you do know I wouldn't mind if you replaced me with another co-ordinator, I'd get it," she shyly said.

"You're only going to be gone for a semester," I pointed out. "Just four months, we both know how fast a semester flies by," I told her with a smirk. Imogen and I had gotten into a good work rhythm and she was pleasant to work with; there was no way that I was going to ruin a good thing just because she'd be away for one term. And we didn't even have that much to do this term, like I was telling Adam a few minutes ago; so I'd have to run the U of T chapter meetings by myself; but that wasn't a big deal.

She smiled and quickly said, "Thanks, Eli. You're the best," and we spent the next hour and half completing our yearly report and writing the summary of everything we had done that I would take to Calgary. At every meeting all the chapter co-ordinators from every university across Canada would have to get together at one point and explain the things we were each doing, and I didn't want her to feel completely left out of the semester, so we just wrote our little speech together and I promised her I would deliver it just the way we had written it. We knew the activities of the U of T chapter were ones that the Foundation was especially interested in because we were the largest chapter in the whole country. Some chapters only had like six members, while we had sixty, and UBC in Vancouver was the next biggest after us, with about fifty members. Imogen and I would stay in contact with the two co-ordinators over there as well, seeing how we found that we ran pretty similar activities.

After we finished all our work, I walked her to the door and she reminded me,

"Don't forget about my birthday party on Saturday night, okay?" with a beaming smile. I knew she was so excited because Daniel was flying in from Ottawa just to be there; he had to return home because of his summer job, while she lived in Toronto. I knew they were still doing quite well, but it was obvious that they were still bummed about the distance that they would have to endure for four months. I couldn't help but be thankful that Clare and I don't have that problem to deal with.

"I won't, I'm looking forward to it," I assured her.

"Awesome. See you and Clare there!" she said as she gave me a small wave and left.

**Clare's POV**

_Are you home?_ I read the text message and was a little surprised to get such a question from this person.

_Um, yes, why? Do you want to come over? Do you know where I live? _I typed back.

_You live close to Eli, right? _Was her reply.

_If you are driving yes_. I specified, and fifteen minutes later I saw Imogen's blue Toyota pull up in front of my house.

I had barely opened the door before I took in her flushed face as she blurted out, "You need to tell him!" and my face instantly got red.

She continued, "I can't do it anymore, Clare, I feel terrible. We were just working on some chapter business, and I almost died in there. He's my co-worker and friend, and a great one at that, and if he finds out I've been keeping this from him all this time, he'll hate me. And I really don't want him to hate me, he's such a nice guy," she quickly said.

I knew my face was flaming, so I just looked down at the ground as I slowly said, "I know…I just didn't want to tell him before his final," I honestly said to her.

"Well his exam is over and we're supposed to leave in three weeks, Clare! We already have plane tickets! Plane tickets, Clare! Toronto Pearson to London Heathrow!" Imogen said, raising her voice in alarm now.

I couldn't make my gaze meet hers so I just stared at the phone beside the couch as Imogen sat down.

She addressed me, "Clare, Eli won't be mad, but the longer you wait, the worse this is. Daniel understood when I told him, Eli will too. Sure, Daniel was sad, but he got it".

I whispered, "When…did you tell him?"

Imogen immediately replied, "When I applied," and I couldn't help but feel like all I wanted to do was dig in a hole in the earth and crawl into it forever.

I could tell Imogen was mad, and I knew she had every right to be. She's been carrying my dirty secret for so long now.

I saw her smooth out the lines in her skirt before she said, "Clare, Saturday is my birthday party, remember?" and I nodded in response.

She continued, "Well, I'd like you to tell him by then. I don't want to spend my birthday party drowning in this horrible awkward feeling that I've been living in for the past six months. You need to tell him. Will you?" and I hesitated. Now that Eli's summer class final was over, I knew I had no other excuse.

"Clare, I know it's hard, but don't you think he'll notice when you're like, just gone?" she asked in an astonished tone.

"You don't understand Eli and I," I angrily blurted, wanting her to just leave already.

I saw Imogen narrow her eyes and shake her head at me as she headed for the door. She opened it, and turned around to face me completely before she said, "I understand that whatever happened to Eli that caused him to be so traumatized somehow involved _you_. I understand that he thinks the world of you and isn't afraid to try his hardest to get a group of strangers to see you the same way. No, he hasn't told me anything, don't look at me like that," she added. "Do you know that he…imagines a future with you, Clare? A real future, and you can't even tell him you're off to England in three weeks for a semester," she shot venomously, but I knew she was right.

She scoffed incredulously before adding, "I understand that from where I'm standing right now, it sure looks like…_you don't deserve him_," and she left, slamming the door on her way out.

I knew she had a point. I knew I had let this situation snowball to a ridiculous level. But all I could think about was…is she going to tell him? I knew she wouldn't, and Eli had called me yesterday and invited me to have dinner at his house tonight…I knew I would have to tell him now, so I might as well do so at the end of dinner. He'd understand just like Daniel had, right? Students do semesters abroad all the time, and all humanities students at U of T were bombarded with advertisements for it all the time, were we not? I kept telling myself that as I nervously tried to find some distractions, but I knew I couldn't deny that deep down I was aware that the England exchange he _would _be supportive of…but it's the fact that I have kept this from him for so long that will hurt him. Will he be angry? Will he just be sad and cry maybe? Will he…think I am looking for space? Will he…pull away during the four months that we will be separated by three thousand miles?

**Eli's POV**

Despite the fact that my summer class was over, I needed to make a quick trip to campus to pick up a Proof of Enrolment letter that Big Brothers needed from me; if they proved I was a student the government would contribute to my summer wages through the Canada Summer Jobs for Students program, and I knew that would help them out a bit so it was important.

The staff member at the Student Services Centre knew exactly what I was referring to right away, and just a few minutes later she handed me a signed and sealed copy that I carefully put in my backpack so I could deliver it to Barb tomorrow. Just as I was walking out of the building, I ran into no one other than Mathew, and I knew he must be making his way upstairs to the newspaper offices…breaking news never rests, not even in the summer.

"Hey man, long time no see!" I heard him exclaim as we bumped fists.

"No kidding," I replied. "But hey, got you in for the Calgary trip, it's cool with Harry," I told him, knowing he loved traveling and that even if he had officially left the chapter, he would still love to come to the regional meeting.

"You did? Dude, Eli, that's so nice of you, but I won't be around town next year," he replied, and I saw the look of honest regret and gratefulness etched clearly on his face. That was one of the things I liked most about Mathew; he was so honest all the time and just a genuinely nice guy that could be trusted. He was also a very loyal friend, so I respected that.

"Oh, don't worry about it. Heading off somewhere for the second year of your Masters?" I asked him, knowing it was recommended for Journalism students to travel a lot, especially ones interested in news reporting like Mathew was.

"Yeah, I can't believe I haven't told you yet – I'm going on exchange to England for the year, I'll be working for the British Broadcasting Corporation," he said with a proud and excited smile.

"BBC – nice! You'll be right in London then?" I asked him.

"Thank God; I don't think I could handle living in one of those tiny English villages. Yeah, London's the way to go for sure – that's where the news is at, so that's where I need to be. Plus, I need to be close to University College London, because part of the deal for going on exchange, even for Masters students, is to actually be taking classes – but I just have one. The rest of my program is pretty focused on hands on stuff," he explained, obviously so excited about everything.

"Sounds awesome, Matt. I'm sure you'll rock it. You know, my partner co-ordinator Imogen is also going on exchange to England, but just for the first semester, not the whole year," I told him, knowing they were only vaguely familiar with each other as when Mathew and I were having all of our transfer of power meetings Imogen hadn't officially become the other chapter co-ordinator yet, so she wasn't there with us.

"That's right, I knew that! The people running the exchange programs have been getting everyone together for meetings since March so we know each other a little once we're over there, and they've logically grouped us by countries and towns, so I've seen her a bit. Jeez, Eli, everyone's leaving you come September, eh?" he said with a small laugh.

"Guess so," I replied humorously; out of the relatively small circle of friends that I had, two were off to England soon.

Mathew continued, "That's a little sad – your awesome co-ordinator mentor, your partner co-ordinator, and your girl, all robbed by the mother country," he laughed, but the look of confusion on my face made him abruptly stop.

I replied, "It is sad you and Imogen will be gone, but my girl's not going on exchange," I corrected him.

"Oh, she cancelled? Bummer, heard you have to pay a lot of money if you cancel so last-minute; we already got given plane tickets. It kind of sucks, I have to leave a whole week earlier than everyone for my BBC training – so I only really have two weeks to get my act together, that's why I'm here today, I need all these random papers signed," he kept saying as I felt the color draining from my face as realization crashed onto me like a tidal wave.

_September 17__th__ wedding that she never confirmed, October 11__th__-13__th__ regional that she still wasn't signed up for…_Clare…had secretly applied to go on exchange. She…was going to England in…three weeks by the timing Mathew specified. And she never told me. She had a plane ticket and she never even told me.

I couldn't let Mathew know, I told myself, it would be so humiliating for him to know that my own girlfriend didn't tell me about how she was planning on going on exchange because she thinks I am too much of a suffocating monster to be able to handle such news. But she's wrong. I've always liked Clare's ambition and even if she sure as hell never mentioned a love for England to me before, I get it….we're English majors studying English literature, where else are we supposed to go on exchange? And the humanities advisors shove this enrich-your-life-through-unforgettable-experiences-on-exchange down our throats every semester. I wouldn't have minded that she wanted to do this if she had told me when she first thought about it, when she applied, when it was all confirmed…but the fact that she didn't - let's just say I've never heard silence quite so loud. This tells me everything I need to know about what she _really _thinks about me. She doesn't think I've changed at all.

_So why the hell is she still with me? _But I can't let Mathew know.

I brushed off his question about Clare cancelling and just said, "Well, awesome, Matt – I'm sure you're glad the long process of applying and everything is over, you must have had to wait so long to find out," trying to coax him into giving me some timing hints here so I can know just how long she has kept this hidden from me.

"Dude, you have no idea – I've been counting down to my flight in two weeks' time ever since I applied in February, and then obviously ever since I got in at the end of April," he said, telling me everything I need to know. So…over four months since she knew for sure, and so much longer since she had applied.

I kept perfectly calm and congratulated Mathew one last time before we went our separate ways, but as soon as we were just a few feet away and I was starting to think of the changes I would have to make to the dinner me and Clare were going to have tonight, I knew that…there just was one thing I had to ask him.

"Mathew," I yelled, as he turned around and gave me a puzzled look.

I approached him and started, "I'm really hoping you can do me a huge favour…"

**Clare's POV**

"Tonight? Clare, sweetheart, he _still_ doesn't know? You're leaving in three weeks!" I heard my mom exclaim in shock.

I knew it looked bad, but ever since the last conversation I had had with my mom, things weren't quite exactly the same with this whole situation, and I wanted her to know that so I held out the five printed pages and let her quickly scan the first one.

My heart dropped when I saw her expression didn't change, though, and she just asked, "Is that even possible at this point?" and I stubbornly said, "I'll _make it_ possible," as I slipped my shoes on and opened the door to the Jeep once I got outside, wondering what was up with Eli – he usually got out of the car and held the door open for me.

He looked fine, though, so I quickly leaned in to give him a kiss…that he didn't respond to at all.

"Hi," I breathed as I pulled away.

He just started the car and said, "Hey," as the radio turned on. He pulled over quickly however, and told me, "Oh, I have your iPOD, added some new songs on there for you," and I began to relax a little. There was my sweet Eli emerging; he had asked me the day before yesterday if it was time for an update and after I shyly confirmed he took my iPOD home for the day.

He continued, "Why don't we listen to them right now?" and after I nodded, he connected my blue iPOD to his car's speakers, and the sound of British rock reverberated through the Jeep.

"Know this band, Edwards?" he asked with a smirk as he resumed driving.

"Beatles, right?" I answered, pretty confident.

"Yep, sure is them," he said, as I inspected the new additions to my iPOD.

I cheekily said, "Let's see, music maverick, what did you add on here?" and I read the artists' names out loud, "we have The Beatles obviously, Oasis, The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Elton John, The Police, UB40, and…the Spice Girls?" I asked with a giggle at the thought of Eli clicking on a download button next to a photo of the bubbly girls. This was a strange mix of music he had opted for…usually he'd just add new performances from Taylor Swift's concerts and other artists that I mentioned I liked.

"Just a bit of Britain's finest," he said, as my heart froze a little. Did he…? He couldn't. Eli's music taste was rather eclectic, and I knew he loved it when I showed expertise on that topic, so I'm sure that's all this was.

I instinctively reached for his free hand, but I frowned when I saw that he was using both hands to drive, something which he uncharacteristically did the entire way. When he stopped at a red light, I wanted to play our game, but he kept staring out his left-side window as if the lead singer of Dead Hand was outside, his head completely turned away from me.

"Eli, is everything okay?" I nervously asked him.

"Never better," he responded. Now _that_ was a bad sign. He had only told me that once before, and _that_ was not a good situation.

If I knew what was wrong with him, I could fix it. But I know what he's doing. He's putting up that impenetrable wall of his again…and he hasn't done this since…I first found out about his hoarding.

Once we got to his house, I noticed his parents' car wasn't there.

"Cece and Bullfrog went out to a show," he said, practically reading my mind. "So it's just me and you for dinner," and I relaxed a bit. He must just be tired or something.

He unlocked the door and held it open for me as he said, "Come in, milady," and I giggled a bit in response.

I went upstairs so I could wash my hands in his bathroom and when I returned I noticed that Eli had set the table and he was just turning the TV on and set it to a channel I wasn't all that familiar with.

"Cricket, Eli? Never knew you were such a fan," I teased him.

"I'm not, just thought we'd watch BBC tonight, switch it up a bit, this is just the sports section," he said. He was acting very strange, and I could now tell that there was _definitely_ a point to all of this.

"Let's sit down," he told me, and I did so, noticing that he had picked up fish and chips for dinner and he was just pouring me a cup of tea with a smirk on his face.

As I glanced around at the environment he had created in that moment – BBC saying something about Britain always predicting the European Union was a failed project and that that was the reason why they had never exchanged the British pound for the Euro as the official currency in the first place, tea in little cups, and fish and chips on our plates, and the icy look in his green eyes…I felt my heart drop and I felt my body shiver a little as I realized why he was doing all of this.

"You're not hungry?" he casually asked as he started eating, but I could barely move.

_How long has he known? _

"E-Eli…" I nervously started, praying he would stop torturing me like this, but he showed no signs of stopping as he said, "Yes, darling?" in response, obviously invoking another British reference.

"It's not like you think…" I told him, and he swallowed, put his utensils down and just stared at me coldly for a few seconds.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, and I felt tears invading my eyes. _This was bad. _

"Don't make me say it, please," I whispered, feeling a tear escape my eyes and wishing so desperately his arms would wrap around me and he would hold me tightly because he was the only person in the world who could comfort me so well when I felt as destroyed as I did in this moment. But he showed no signs of moving.

"Hey there, Clare, don't you worry, _not_ saying it is the trend, isn't it? Or it has been, for the last four months, hasn't it?" he coldly shot back, as I felt a sob escape me.

I took a deep breath and calmed down, "I don't want to be away from you, and I know I haven't talked about England in the past, it's only since coming here and hearing so much about exchanges that I thought about it, and it's just something I want to do –" I started, but he immediately cut me off.

"Stop it. You know that's not why I am upset. You know I love how ambitious you are. That's not why," he told me, not raising his voice at all, just keeping perfectly calm. I felt another tear fall down my face at the realization that Eli didn't want to argue with me, but he was very _very _angry.

"I wanted to tell you earlier, but…." I trailed off.

"You were scared," he filled in for me. "You were scared of _crazy psychotic Eli_ headed for another episode," he said, clenching his fists.

"It's not like that," I nervously whispered.

"Sure it is, Clare. Daniel knew about Imogen going," he pointed out.

"I can't believe she told you," I muttered.

"She didn't," Eli whispered, and he shook his head bitterly at me as he said, "Mathew did, Clare. It was Mathew, and do you know what it felt like to realize that my girlfriend's boss knew about her upcoming trip across the fucking ocean – in just three weeks - and I didn't?" and he didn't apologize for his profanity like the always did in my presence, and even that had only happened a few times before. _This was bad. _

"Don't you see, Clare? I get it now," he calmly said, getting up from the table as I followed him, grabbing his arm only to have him gently but assertively remove it from my grip.

"Eli, let me explain, please," I said, managing to control my tears.

"No need to, I understand everything now. _Nothing's changed_ since our break-up, Clare. Nothing. You haven't forgiven me and nothing's changed," he said, as I just wildly shook my head in denial.

"Eli, that's not true –"I started, but he cut me off again.

"You don't trust me, Clare," he deadpanned, "and you never will. You say you do, you say you love me, but you don't. I don't understand why you're doing all of this! Why the hell are you even with me still?" he accused me.

"I _do_ love you," I emphatically told him, "and I screwed up, and things just moved along so much faster than I ever thought they would," I told him, rapidly going over to my bag and pulling out the printed out pages and holding them up to him.

"But Eli, I just went to one meeting, applied out of curiosity, once I got in, I did this –" I said, and pointed to his name on the application form.

"You put my name at the top of a blank form?" he asked in confusion.

"I want you to apply, silly! I want us to do this _together_!" I yelled at him.

"Deadline's long past, Clare, and we both know that," he shot back.

"Not with your grades. They'll let you in, I checked," I informed him.

"Clare – don't do this," he whispered, locking his eyes with mine. "I can't go on exchange, it would take me six years to finish undergrad if I did," he told me, and that piece of information hit me like a ton of bricks.

"What? How? You're an English major," I pointed out.

"And a Creative Writing major, you can't do creative writing courses at any university but your own, so if I just go and do only my English credits I'll be behind," he said, immediately silencing me. He really couldn't come?

He held the papers up before throwing them to the side as he scoffed, "Besides, we both know what that was – just an _afterthought_, Clare. Something you did because you felt guilty, when all of this could have been avoided if you had just told me as opposed to keeping this a secret," he accused, and that last sentence really irked me.

"Heaven forbid _you_ understand what having a secret is like, Eli," I bitterly shot at him, and his eyes flinched in such a way that I just knew that was the worst thing I could have said to him in that moment. Or…_ever_.

"Telling you about how I killed my ex-girlfriend or that I was a hoarder and going on exchange are very different things," he whispered, and I noticed his hands were shaking. "And I didn't know I was sick, so I couldn't have told you about that. I didn't know that my mind and body were slowly being taken away from me by a disease I didn't understand and that once I knew I had scared me to the core," he said, and I could actually feel my heart ache at my insensitivity.

He continued, "Clare – I get it now…I will _always _bean afterthought to you," he said, and I heard his voice take on a raspy tone as he continued, "And the most pathetic part of it all is that while I am living in a cloud realistically thinking about a future with you, you can't even _tell_ me about your dreams, not to mention entertain the idea of me being in them," he said, and he turned around from me, and I knew he was crying. Eli was really hurting…again…and again because of me.

But he wasn't right. I did want a future with him, I just totally let this spiral out of control and now it looks like this evil pre-conceived thing that I never ever meant it to be.

"I love you," I whispered as I approached him, but he just moved further away as he said, "Please, stop saying that. You know what the worst part of this is?" but I didn't respond.

He just continued, "This could have been a wonderful thing. I would have understood you want to go on exchange and I would have been supportive. It's just four months after all; you know the semesters fly by and only really feel like a week. We could have listened to all those songs I put on your iPOD, and I could have told you all about the Beatles and the other artists and we could have pinpointed the pubs they played in when they first got started on a map and you could have visited them, we could have watched BBC together so you'd know a little bit about the things that are important on the news over there, we could have read a couple of travel books…and even if I wasn't going with you, because I just can't because of my double major…I could've…_felt_ like I was going too, you know?" and the vision he created that I knew I had robbed him of was what did it for me. I just let my tears subside me as I collapsed onto his couch. I wanted to do all those things with him, but I had majorly screwed things up.

After some time, I felt Eli sit next to me, and as much as I knew I didn't deserve it, he did pull me into a hug and he started patting my curls down, but there was something different in his voice as he said, "Don't cry. Maybe it's time that we both realized this," and I froze as I heard him say that.

I shakily whispered, "Realized what?"

He looked so utterly exhausted as he said, "That…maybe, maybe we're trying to make something work here that just…isn't meant to be," and I thought my heart would stop any minute. Is this what he had felt like when I said those similar words that horrible night?

I felt more tears come down my face and as Eli wiped them away I whispered, "_Don't_…you…promised," and I saw him let out a deep breath as his eyes filled with concern.

"Clare…maybe it's like you said. Maybe you've been right all along. Maybe it's time to let that promise go," he whispered, and I wanted to die in that moment. _Eli was convinced we weren't meant to be together. _

"I didn't mean that when I said it, Eli. I-I won't go to England. I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying here," I stubbornly said. I'd do whatever it takes; I don't want to lose him.

"That doesn't change anything. I know how you feel; I crashed a car thinking it would change things. But it's not about that; I've always thought we are not just boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought we were also best friends. But how can you not tell your best friend about this? I'm sure Alli knows, heck apparently so does Imogen!" he plainly said.

"E-Eli, I don't want to lose you," I blurted out as sobs overtook me.

"Clare…you'll go to England. You'll be brilliant and you'll have fun and it will be an amazing experience," he softly said, slowly lifting me up and cleaning my face with a tissue.

"And when I come back you'll be here, right? You'll wait for me, right?" I said breathlessly, but he gave me no reply. "Right, Eli?" I pushed, speaking in a panic.

"You'll have a great time. Now let me drive you home," he said, but that was not what I wanted to hear.

"Eli, no," I stubbornly said.

"Just promise me you'll be careful, okay? It might be really awesome there and incredibly civilized, but bad people are everywhere," he pointed out, and I was incredibly annoyed that's what he was thinking of right now.

"You'll wait for me, right?" I repeated. _Tell me you're not going anywhere. _"Eli, if you don't answer me, I have no way of knowing what you are thinking. What are you thinking, please tell me! What does this mean?" I pleaded with him.

"It means…I hope you have a nice time in England," he said, sticking his hands in his pockets as he walked to the door and I followed him like a lost puppy. He kept quiet the entire time he drove me home, and I noticed his eyes were stinging with tears for the length of the entire ride. I exited the car silently after Eli placed his head down on the steering wheel once we got to my house, taking that as an indicator that he didn't wish to see or talk to me anymore.

I knew I needed the night to strategize with my mom and Alli about the best way to fix this, and I knew Eli needed the night to have some space, and I prayed that everything would turn out all right. After all, he was so understanding about the actual four months that we would have to spend apart. It was just a matter of getting over the initial shock of being faced with the surprise of it all, I tried to reassure myself.

**Cece's POV**

"Eli! You need to pick up that phone, it's driving me nuts! What is going on, something serious must have happened and someone is trying to get a hold of you, this is crazy," I pointed out, holding the vibrating phone out to him.

He just grabbed it and I could see he set it to silent. _Oh, no_. Eli is avoiding something, and he clearly doesn't want to talk about it.

"Mom, tell Aunt Carol she's minus one for the wedding, Clare won't be there," and I drew in a sharp breath when I heard that. _Of course._

I made sure my husband was out of earshot because I did not want him to hear about this as I asked Eli, "What's wrong, baby boy? What happened, you seemed so happy with her!"

"I was. But she'll be in England, she can't come to the wedding," he specified.

"Oh, she's going there with her family then or something?" I gently asked him, trying to suggest to him that Clare missing the wedding might not be as big of a tragedy as it appeared to be to him.

"She's going on exchange to University College London for the semester," he sighed, and now I understood why he was so sad. He was going to miss her. Well, that was normal, but why did he say _was_ as opposed to _am_? Had they broken up? And was it because of the exchange thing…because that would be kind of silly. I thought my son and Clare were long-term. One semester is only four months.

"Oh baby boy, it's all right to miss her, that's normal," I pointed out, not wanting Eli to feel like a freak…I knew that ever since that horrible night that he ended up going to the hospital, he was painfully worried about misinterpreting boundaries in his relationship with Clare.

I gently pushed, "You're still together, aren't you?"

He looked up at me shyly as he said, "I don't even know…I was so hurt," he admitted.

"That she's going on exchange? Eli, you're both so young, this is the time to do these sorts of things, your support would mean a lot to her," I told him.

"No mom, I know, I could have dealt with the exchange thing on its own. Yes, it would've sucked, but plenty of people have done it and Clare and I could have as well. But she applied in February, got accepted in April, and didn't even tell me anything about it at any point. I only found out by coincidence, a friend told me, and now she leaves in three weeks!" he said, his confusion and exasperation evident.

"Oh, Eli," I sighed, understanding why he was so upset. But…I knew he still wanted to be with her.

"Baby boy, maybe it was hard for her," I tried to tell him. "You know how hard those things can be, when you have to tell someone you care about something that you know will make them sad…you just don't want to do that. Clare just moved to university too, the year must have felt so crazy to her, all of these changes happening so fast. Put yourself in her shoes, baby boy," I pointed out, and I was glad to see him just silently nod in response. "But she loves you," I told him.

"Do you really think so?" he shyly asked and I assured him, "I _know_ so, just give her a chance to explain and you will figure it out," I suggested as I pushed his bangs back.

"Mom…can you…not mention anything to dad, please?" he whispered, and I assured him my lips were sealed, knowing his concerns about his father were the same as mine…what Bullfrog doesn't know won't hurt him.

I heard the doorbell ring and I knew it was Adam, so I just let Eli get it as I made my way to the kitchen and began preparing dinner.

**Adam's POV**

"Dude, that's it, I've had dinner with your family, laughed at all your dad's jokes, there's no avoiding the real subject here any longer," I pointed out to Eli once we were safely in his room.

Eli had caught me with this whole Clare-clandestine-exchange situation on the phone last night, and I was totally shocked myself…and a little hurt Clare hadn't told me either. Now this thing had blown up to be this huge problem that could've been avoided so simply all along as Eli didn't seem too upset about the Clare-will-be-gone-for-four-months-thing…but then again, blowing things out of proportion by keeping secrets seemed to be the style of Clare and Eli's entire relationship, so you'd think I'd be more used to this by now.

"I…don't even know what to think anymore," Eli admitted.

"Eli, you need to ask yourself if you still want to be with her. And if the answer is yes like I am certain it is, don't let this thing ruin everything. So she didn't tell you…maybe you could give her a free pass just this once; she did that for you a couple of times there Eli, and your surprises were intense _and _we were a lot younger then too," I pointed out, hoping he wouldn't explode at me. But I needed to tell him that.

"I know," he sighed. "But I'm not going to Imogen's birthday after this with you, so don't try to convince me," he said, shooting me a glare.

"What? You bought her a present and she'll be so crushed if you don't come, you know how much she values her friends," I pointed out, knowing that Eli needed to see Clare. Running away from his problems needed to stop being his style, and he had even spent the few days since their argument working from home so he wouldn't see her there. Honestly, I was rather surprised Clare hadn't come to find him yet, but maybe she was trying to give him some space, or maybe she was planning something bigger, or…I don't even know.

I continued, "You need to come to Imogen's birthday thing, or else she will be upset, Eli, and you know it," and upon hearing that, his look softened as we both reached for the controllers and spent the rest of the time playing video games and occasionally I would try to get on the topic of Clare, but Eli was simply having none of it, so I decided to just drop it and pray that this first encounter would smooth things over at best…and not completely ruin Imogen's birthday at worst.

**Alli's POV**

"Ugh, that whole dinner thing is such a _typical _Eli stunt, Clare," I said angrily. I knew he had a right to be mad, but that was pure manipulation. However, I now know how much Eli truly cares for Clare so I wasn't going to push this subject. He gets one free pass this time, because after all, it wasn't that bad, and we all do stupid things when we're angry. If I hadn't smartened up, I might be living on the streets in Vancouver right about now.

"He was hurt, Alli, he wasn't being manipulative," Clare shot back immediately, probably worried we'd be going down a bad road again, but I didn't mean to do that. She was patiently wrapping a pretty jewellery box containing a delicate bracelet that she had gotten Imogen. Hmm, if you would have told me I would ever see such a sight when Clare first gave me a description of who Imogen was, I would have never believed you. But turns out Clare's man is impossible to steal, because he only has eyes for her. But…now I'm afraid that a little bit of doubt had crept into Eli's mind, and Clare and I had spent so long strategizing on how to chase it that we only ended up being more confused. I really hoped things at Imogen's birthday gathering would go well at least.

"I just want to…know where he's at, you know? He hasn't been at work, and he hasn't answered any of my calls or texts so I didn't want to push by going at his house. He's been emailing all his work in professionally, but…I miss him," Clare said, and her eyes were tearing up.

"Ugh, just get him to _get over it_!" I told her, but I saw that didn't help at all, so I decided to change tactics. "Oh, Clare," I added, giving her a hug, "Eli loves you. He's your good friend, you'll figure everything out," I highlighting, ignoring the part where Eli plans on dethroning me from best friend position. I know what he says.

"I hope so," she whispered shakily as her cheeks got red, and I gave her another hug before leaving her house and heading back to my own for a family dinner. Sav was bringing a girl home for dinner tonight, and as much as I wanted to be there for Imogen's birthday, there was no way in the world I was going to miss _this. _

**Clare's POV**

I took one last look in the mirror at my black dress before meeting my mom downstairs.

"You ready, sweetheart?" she asked me with a sad smile. I had told her about Eli's reaction to my England news immediately after I got home, and I was really grateful that she just calmed me down and didn't chastise me for never doing what she had told me to earlier.

We got in the car and she softly said, "Eli's coming, right? Imogen and him work together?"

"I hope he'll be here," I admitted.

"Sweetheart, this is just a bump in the road. Be patient with him; it's a lot to process and he knows he's going to miss you so much on top of everything as well. He'll come around," she said, and I desperately hoped she'd be right.

Just before I got out of the car in front of the nice restaurant that Imogen had invited us all to for her birthday, my mom gently said, "Clare, call me if you need a ride home, all right?" and I assured her I would, but her question really unnerved me. She thought Eli would be so mad at me that he wouldn't drive me home? That would be _really bad _knowing Eli's standards.

I was a little disappointed that when I sat down next to Adam at the table, Eli was the only one out of our group of friends that hadn't yet arrived. Imogen pulled me to the side and apologized for her little outburst at my house as soon as she saw me and I was glad that we were able to smooth things over, and she even sent Eli a text when she must have been able to see how sad I was when I wasn't able to answer her question of where he is. He had responded _I'm on my way_ to her message, which made me feel a lot more relieved.

I was watching Imogen excitedly open her presents and pass each of them to a very excited-looking Daniel to put aside, when I felt a body slide into the booth next to me, and I was so happy to smell the cologne that Eli would put on when we went out at night, and when I shyly lifted my gaze he gave me a small smile and just said, "Hey. You look beautiful tonight," and I hoped he noticed that I was wearing my angel necklace. He was wearing the stripy black dress shirt that I loved so much, and it broke my heart that he didn't give me a kiss.

"Eli! You're here!" I heard Imogen squeal when she saw him and he passed her a pretty package wrapped in purple as he said, "Happy birthday," and he bumped fists with Daniel. I knew Daniel had flown in from Ottawa to spend a week with Imogen, and it was obvious just how excited the both were, a sight which made really sad despite my hardest attempts to be happy for my friends.

Imogen opened up the present I gave her and hugged me across the table as she said she absolutely loved the bracelet and Daniel helped her put it on right away. She then opened the present Eli had handed to her and I saw that he had gotten her a really pretty photo album, and I thought that was so thoughtful as Imogen really liked photography.

"This is fantastic! I really needed a new one of these too, thank you so much Eli!" she exclaimed as she reached over the table again and gave him a quick hug.

She continued, "Why didn't you order a drink?" and he gave her a shy dismissal wave and said, "I'm driving tonight, so no drinking," and she nodded in response.

I talked to Adam and Lana for a bit while Eli and Daniel were having a conversation of their own. However, I soon heard Daniel tell Eli, "Bummer about Clare leaving, huh?" and I turned in their direction immediately.

Eli didn't meet his gaze in response, he just stared at his water glass and said, "Yeah, well, if anyone understands, guess I'd be you. At least the girls will be together," and my heart swelled when I heard that he was happy I would at least have a friend over there.

Daniel shook his head and said, "Uh, my girl changed her mind and cancelled," and my heart froze. Imogen wasn't coming anymore?

Imogen turned and joined the conversation excitedly, "Yeah, I decided I'm not going to go. I've already done the study-in-England thing and it wasn't all that great the first time around, so I'm not sure what I was thinking. I kind of was just curious to apply, you know? Then, just today, I finally realized….I don't want to leave, things are great here," she said, as she reached for Daniel's hand and he leaned in and gave her a kiss.

She then caught my eye and I could see her instantly look regretful and cringe. "Sorry, Clare," she whispered over to me. "But Mathew's still going, you know him, right?" and I just nodded in response and told her, "Don't worry, I get it," because I really did understand. Things were good with her school here and with Daniel, and she didn't want to leave.

Eli's glance never left his water glass, and I wanted to reach for his hand, but he was holding on to a fork in one and a knife in the other, regardless of the fact that he barely touched his food. A few people that were Imogen's friends that we had never met before were starting to get up and dance – the restaurant had a live band that was actually really good.

I heard Lana ask Eli, "So what would _this_ music qualify as, Eli?" and he chuckled and responded, "It's Irish, obviously, but it has more of a classical tone than like, river dance Irish jig style," and Lana nodded approvingly in response.

In that moment, the band stopped playing a song and announced that if anyone would like to come up and dance to the next song, it would be a traditional Irish waltz, and I heard Imogen clap her hands.

She told us, "When I lived in Europe, I used to take ball room dance lessons, but here anyone has barely even heard of it," and Daniel laughed in response and told her he has two left feet.

I heard Adam laugh as he said, "Imogen, take Eli out on the floor – he just learned how to waltz," and I couldn't be more surprised at hearing such a thing, so I shot him a curious glare.

He avoided my gaze and simply said, "Shut up, Adam," quite bitterly.

Imogen looked all giddy as she said, "Really, Eli? Why'd you take lessons?" and I saw him roll his eyes as he responded, "I had to, for my aunt's wedding. My mom and dad are in the actual wedding party so they have to do that first dance thing, and my dad couldn't come to the lessons because of work, so my mom took me instead," and I just wanted to go crawl into a hole when I heard that – I was supposed to go to that wedding. It got worse though, because when he saw my sad look, Eli placed his arm around the top of the booth behind me but didn't say anything, and I could see how torn he was over his instinct to comfort me and how actually upset he still was over this whole thing. All I wanted to do was hold his hand and kiss him and snuggle into him, but there was this huge wall of coldness between us now, and I didn't know how to knock it down.

Daniel laughed in response to Eli's story and said, "Dude, if you take her out, I'll be forever grateful, she can get this dance thing out of her system," and Adam reached over me to punch Eli's shoulder, and pretty soon the whole table was encouraging them, so Eli just rolled his eyes and held his hand out to Imogen, who gladly took it.

I was actually pretty curious to see if Eli would be any good, and…he really was. Imogen was a really graceful dancer, and Eli was a strong lead so they looked really beautiful dancing together, and I felt such a sharp pang in my chest at the thought that this could have been me and him at his aunt's wedding in a few weeks. Would he take Imogen to the wedding now? I knew that was a crazy thought, but…I didn't want him to dance like that with anyone but…me. You could tell their dance was totally platonic, as they kept a good distance in between them, but Imogen was still madly giggling at the way Eli would spin her around. Her flowing green dress would accentuate her every turn and Eli's slight height advantage over her made him look like an even stronger lead. They made every turn in perfect time and were so in tune with the music that other couples stopped their own dancing and just looked at the two of them, clapping for them when the song ended, as many people at our own table cheered and yelled funny things – well, mostly Adam was doing the yelling.

Imogen had a little blush on her cheeks when they returned to our table, and Eli flashed me a small smirk but I quickly looked down at the ground. _I_ wanted to dance with him like that. _No one else_ should dance with him like that. He was _my_ boyfriend…or at least _I thought_ he still was. Was he? We still haven't reached a verdict on the scary things Eli told me about trying to make something work that maybe just wasn't meant to be…and I had a feeling he was just planning on avoiding the conversation over the next two weeks.

After spending some more time with Imogen and everyone else at the party, I felt myself getting tired and I pulled out my phone, thinking I'd take my mom up on that ride anyway, but just as I was about to dial her number, I felt Eli's hand on my lower back as he whispered in my ear, "I'll drive you home if you're ready to go," and I just silently nodded.

We both said bye to everyone and Adam flashed me an encouraging smile when he saw Eli and I leaving together.

We got into the car quickly and I almost felt my eyes tear up when I saw that Eli turned the heat on; it was the first day of the summer that didn't quite feel like the summer. He turned the radio up and started driving, and I wanted to reach for his hand because I never could in the restaurant, but he was using both hands to drive again, much to my dismay. When he stopped at the single red light that we hit, he opened his window and adjusted his side view mirror, although it sure looked fine from where I was standing.

I was too nervous to say anything during the entire ride, but when he pulled up in front of my house, I slowly said,

"Eli, do you think we can talk –"but he interrupted me immediately, saying,

"I promised my mom I'd help her with something, so I have to go. See you at work on Wednesday," he quickly said, and I was at least happy for the small victory that he'd be at work on Wednesday. I knew it was the day that we were supposed to get an answer on one of the bigger grants we had applied for – Eli had been working from home, and it didn't really matter because we were at a bit of a slow period, just waiting on this grant to come back, and just last week Barb had told us that we could have the last week off with pay. She was such a sweet lady and told us that she remembers how hard it was for her to work in the summers and get ready for college, so she said she had always arranged for us to just have the last week off. Wednesday would then be the last day that Eli and I were working together, I sadly thought as I made my way out of the car.

When I got inside the house, my mom gave me a smile when she saw that Eli had driven me home, but the look on my face must have tipped her off, because she didn't really ask me too many questions as she made me a cup of tea before bed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was sitting in the conference room with Karen, the third grant writer for Big Brothers, and we were both rather nervous; all three of us had worked on this grant for about two weeks, and we knew Barb was meeting with Eli right now and she would have the answer for him. We heard footsteps approaching the room, and sure enough, Eli entered, wearing a pair of black dress pants and a grey dress shirt and carrying some folders. He dropped the folders on the table and flashed us both a smirk as he said, "We got it," and Karen excitedly jumped up and hugged us both. She then rapidly left, saying she had to quickly ask Barb something before she went home, leaving Eli and I alone in the conference room.

I nervously played with the hem of my T-shirt and sadly thought about how I had imagined that when Eli and I would win this grant, we'd celebrate with some contraband kissing, but there was no way that was happening now. He was still not taking any of my calls and just casting me sad smirks now and then. I knew he still wasn't ready to talk, but I was leaving in a week. And the thought of leaving with our relationship so…on the rocks tortured me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything, and if I thought it would actually help at all, I would just stay. But I knew the damage was already done whether I was leaving or not; the real problem here was that Eli thought I didn't trust him enough to let him in my life, both in the present and in the future. But he was wrong! I only wished I could make him see that.

His voice interrupted my thoughts as she asked, "So, that's it, summer work is done. Want a ride home?" and I just grabbed my bag and nodded. I said a warm good bye to Barb before leaving, and she gave me a hug and wished me all the best in England, and told Eli how glad she was that he was staying on part time during the year again. She started talking to him about a grant with a September deadline, and such an eerie feeling took over my body when I realized that in just a few weeks, he'd be back in his office working on that, while I would be three thousand miles away doing God knows what. I tried to shake off that feeling during the silent car ride, but I just couldn't. Eli used both hands to drive the entire way now, and red lights just made me sad. I didn't even dare look at him when one came up, figuring he could use a break from pretending to fix little things with the Jeep that were never wrong in the first place.

"I'll…see you next Sunday?" I slowly asked. We had both promised Dylan we would be at his baseball semi-finals a long time ago, before all of this exchange drama happened, and I didn't want to miss it as I knew how important it was to Dylan that he had support there. His dad had to work, he had sadly told us, and Eli had immediately assured him he would come, and so did I.

Eli nodded in response and let me know, "Their coach is picking them up and taking them to the park early, and Scotty is going then too. Game starts at two pm, and I'll be taking the boys home after. Pick you up at 1:30?" and I gave him a smile in response as I nodded.

I tried again, "E-Eli, do you think…" but he cut me off once again as he said, "I have to be home, Clare. See you Sunday," and I felt tears stinging my eyes as I unlocked the front door to my house.

**Eli's POV**

"International departures lane, here we go," I muttered to myself as I was driving Mathew to the airport. I knew he didn't drive, so I suggested I take him the last time I talked to him and asked him for a favour, so I figured this was the least I could do in return.

He grabbed his suitcase out of the back after I parked and I figured I might as well walk with him inside the airport; Mathew was from Vancouver originally so he had no family out here and I knew he was single, so it's not like he had a girl to drop him off, and I knew he appreciated that I took him.

When we got to the point that friends and family of passengers weren't allowed to cross, we just bumped fists and I told him,

"Have a blast man, I'm sure you'll love it," and he smiled at me in response.

"Thanks, Eli. So nice to you to drop me off," but I shrugged and said, "Don't worry, least I could do. I'll be looking out for you on BBC!"

"Dude, the BBC we get in Canada is BBC World, I'll be working for the real deal, not that lame version," he joked, and I just rolled my eyes in response.

"Whatever man, that accent drives me nuts if I listen to it too long, couldn't watch that channel anyway. Have fun!" I sarcastically told him.

"Thanks again, Eli. And I'll make sure I keep my promise, don't worry," he said and I was grateful to hear that, because I felt like reminding him would make me a bit of jerk, but I was glad he hadn't forgotten.

We bumped fists again and then he got in the security line up as I made my way out of the airport…I hated this place with a passion.

**Clare's POV**

"Did you see? Did you see my home run?" I heard a very excited Dylan ask Eli as Eli held out his hand for a high five in response as he added, "Of course, it was epic! Clare and I both loved it, awesome job!"

I saw Eli slyly cast a glance over in the direction of a very pretty girl who looked to be about thirteen. She had blonde hair and was wearing green shorts and a T-shirt with a picture of a baseball and _Lions_, the name of Dylan's baseball team printed on it.

Eli suggestively said, "But we're not the _only_ ones who loved it," and Dylan blushed about ten different shades of red.

He shrugged at Eli and quickly said, "Let's go home," but Eli just gasped sarcastically.

"What? Dude, no way. She came to watch your game and you're not even going to say hi to her?" he asked, in a serious tone this time. He had a point.

"I already said hi to her at the start of the game," Dylan shyly said.

"So…she stays here and watches this almost hour and half long affair and gets _one second_ of time with you out of it all? Yep, that sounds fair," he said, casting Dylan a smirk. "Do you w_ant_ to be a jerk or what?" he added, as I saw him pull out a ten dollar bill out of his wallet and he placed it discreetly in Dylan's hand as he said, "Just ask her to get some ice cream with you, that's what me and Clare and Scotty are going to do, we're going to sit on the bleachers here - you take Angela to the picnic tables and _then_ we'll go home. It's the right thing to do, Dylan," he said, and I nodded in confirmation.

"Well, all right, then. Thanks, Eli," Dylan said, before walking over to Angela, who shyly placed her hands in her pockets when she saw him approach. After a few seconds, we saw his question was successful as they headed towards the concession stand and Eli shook his head playfully with a huge grin on his face.

"My turn now! Our turn now for ice cream!" I heard Scotty squeal as he tugged on Eli's hand impatiently. Having the two kids here was almost like a shield against awkwardness for Eli and I – we had made no progress and now I was leaving in two days, so I really hoped he'd just let me know how he feels soon. The ball is in his court now. 

"Let's just give them a minute, okay?" I heard Eli say to Scotty, and I smiled at how he wanted Dylan and Angela to have a bit of privacy.

After they had settled down at a picnic table and I could see Angela blushing and giggling in response to something Dylan had said, we lined up for ice cream and a few minutes later, we returned to the bleachers and Scotty ate his ice cream in about two minutes, and then he began to jump across the bleachers, occasionally coming over to Eli to inform him of just how many seconds it had taken him this time to get from one side to the other.

Eli was being really quiet and he looked to be very thoughtful as his glance moved to different areas of the park. It was now or never.

"Eli, I love you and I don't want you to think that I am not letting you fully inside my life, because I am, and I _do_ see myself with you in the –" I was starting to say, but then Scotty landed with a huge thump right in front of us and started yelling excitedly about his new record.

Scotty then glanced at Dylan and Angela with his characteristic adorable little frown as he said, "Eli, why does he talk to that girl so much?"

Eli chuckled in response as he said, "They're friends, Scotty," and that answer seemed to please Scotty, as he shrugged and just held out his running shoe towards Eli and Eli knotted the undone laces together quickly.

Scotty wiped his nose with his hand as Eli grimaced at the sight a little and handed him a tissue from his pocket, and then he excitedly said, "So now Dylan's team is in the finals! Are you and Clare going to take us to that game again or is Daddy going to?"

"Do you know when it is?" Eli asked him.

"Next weekend, on Sunday. Baseball is always on Sunday," Scotty recited, and my face fell. I had figured I wouldn't be here for it, but it was still awful to hear it so concretely.

Eli looked at Scotty and said, "Well, seeing how your daddy works on Sundays, I'll take you, not a problem," and Scotty got a huge grin on his face as he started bouncing around as he moved further down the bleachers, saying, "Yay, yay, yay!" He then turned around abruptly as he said, "Clare, can you wear your ruby red shoes for the final? It can be good luck!"

Eli must have noticed that I just didn't have the heart to answer him and he just softly did so for me, specifying, "Scotty, Clare won't be able to make it, she has to go to England for a little bit," and as I looked up to see Scotty's reaction I couldn't be more shocked. His lower lip began quivering and then he immediately burst into wild sobs and ran over to Eli, burying his face in Eli's chest as his little fists slammed against Eli's biceps.

"Whoa, whoa, take it easy little buddy," Eli told him in a surprised tone, moving Scotty's long blonde bangs out of his face, and wrapping his arms around the child. This was horrible! I'm pretty sure I've never felt so guilty in my whole entire life, but I had no idea this news would upset Scotty so much.

Eli kept soothing Scotty by brushing his hair aside and giving him little squeezes as he said, "She'll be back soon, don't worry," but Scotty just pulled his little tear stained face away from Eli's chest and said, "If you are in England, I'll miss the final, daddy can't take me". I was a little relieved to see that he was crying just because he had misunderstood, but I still felt really horrible about ruining Scotty's fun day.

"Hold on, hold on," Eli said, still soothing him, "I'm not going to England, I'm not going anywhere," and Scotty's face scrunched up in confusion.

"But…but…" he slowly said, "If Clare is going…you have to drive her," and my heart melted at Scotty's innocence.

Eli gave him a sad smile, casting me one as well and said, "No, Scotty, England is really far – I can't drive her there, she has to go on a plane," Eli explained, and Scotty just burst into sobs again.

He kept speaking though, saying, "And then she stays there and later comes back? Like just a visit, like Dorothy and the Land of Oz, right?" and Eli eagerly nodded, "Yes, just for a little bit she stays there so she can study hard at school and then she'll be back in Toronto soon," but this information didn't seem to please Scotty. At least he now seemed to understand I actually wasn't Dorothy, though.

Eli gently held Scotty's little upper body in front of him a little and scanned his face as Scotty kept crying and he said, "But…who will drive her while she's _in_ England?" and I couldn't help but be so touched at Scotty's worry, but what was with this obsession about who would be driving me places? Too much time spent with Eli?

Eli's eyes flashed a look of worry but he blinked it away as he smiled at Scotty and said, "Hey little buddy, don't worry about that. She'll take cabs, and she can drive herself, and her friends might drive her too," as he pulled Scotty in for a hug.

I was just sitting there frozen, watching Eli's efforts and feeling plagued by guilt for having caused this. Scotty pulled out of the hug immediately, though, and he tearfully said, "They _can't_! Eli, they _can't_! Her friends _can't_! She can't drive _herself_! _You_ have to drive her! Only _you_!" and I saw the same confused look spread on Eli's face. I realized he didn't know what was going on either.

"Hey, Scotty, it's okay, it's okay," he kept saying, and I noticed that by this point Dylan had come over and he sat down by Eli as he softly said, "Don't they drive on the wrong side of the road in England?" and as I saw Scotty's horrified look at that perfectly timed comment, I realized this was only going from bad to worse.

Eli just hugged Scotty tightly and said, "Clare will be fine, she's not in any danger, England is safe!" but I saw him stare at the grass as he said that, and I could tell Eli's own eyes were stinging with tears.

Scotty was having none of it as he just said, "No! _You_ have to drive her! Just _you! _Only _you!" _and as Eli adjusted Scotty in his arms and Scotty nestled his face in Eli's neck, Dylan moved in between me and Eli.

He softly said, "He's doing this because…our dad…the day our mom got hit by that car, they had an argument about who was going to do what errand in the morning, and it ended with mom taking the car on her own to go to the bank because she was mad she didn't want to wait for dad. Dad…always says that he should have convinced her to wait, and then he should have just driven her and not let her go on her own…and then it wouldn't have happened," Dylan said tearfully, and upon hearing that, I saw Eli's body shake with a tremor as he hugged Scotty tighter and said, "Okay, Scotty, you're right. I'll drive her, okay? Just me. No one else. I'll drive Clare. Only me".

Scotty calmed down quickly after hearing that, and he pulled out of Eli's arms as he said, "Okay, you drive her, Eli. Good," and he immediately came over and hugged me tightly as he whispered, "Only Eli, okay Clare? Just him," and I sadly nodded in response as Scotty continued, "Mommies always have to be driven by only daddies, no one else. Just daddies," and I saw Eli just staring at me holding Scotty, and I could tell Eli quickly wiped away a tear and shook his head slightly.

After Scotty calmed down a bit, Eli drove the boys home and they were happy to see their dad waiting for them in their front yard, and Dylan proudly announced that his team was in the finals and told his dad about his home run. Eli politely introduced me to their dad, officially after all this time.

Scotty burst out, "Daddy, Clare is going to England where they drive on the wrong side of the road, but it's okay because she'll be back soon and Eli is going to drive her," and I saw the boys' dad get a confused look on his face at the mention of Eli driving across the Atlantic Ocean but he didn't ask any questions, so I think he caught on to what was going on.

Eli and I left pretty quickly, knowing the boys were tired, and I was heartbroken to see that Eli's eyes kept stinging with tears for the entire ride to my house. Was it because he knew we'd have to say good-bye now?

When we finally did get to my house, Eli got out of the car and walked me to my front door like he always did, but he just rubbed his neck uncomfortably as he said, "Scotty had a point. Be careful with who you do get rides with and just…take care, okay?" and I smiled at him sadly.

"I promise," I told him, adding, "Don't worry," which I knew was pointless because I was sure he would.

I wanted to kiss him – it's been three weeks since I've felt his lips on mine – and I wanted to spend the rest of every waking minute I had left with him; and possibly every sleeping minute as well, but I knew…Eli was navigating around a breaking point, and I didn't want to push him. However he wanted to handle this, I…couldn't push him. Not again.

"Okay," he whispered, and just like that he turned around and left, not even giving me the smallest of a kiss on my cheek or anything like that. Did he just not want to say goodbye or was he just finally completely exhausted with everything that I've put him through?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"All right sweetheart, call me when you land in London. Oh, this must be so exciting for you, honey!" I heard my mom say on the other end of the phone before we said our goodbyes.

Alli pulled my suitcase to our apartment door and tearfully said, "I'll miss you so much, Clare. Call me when you get there and you have to tell me everything, okay? I want to know it all," she added, opening her arms in a playful exaggerated gesture.

I was so grateful she told me she wouldn't be taking a new roommate once she moved back into our old apartment at U of T, and even if I did feel a little guilty to abandon her like this, she kept assuring me that it was fine and that between Skype and Facerange and email, we will make it work. Now if only someone else would have given me that same assurance, nothing would be holding me back from being 100% excited about this trip. And I really was excited; I had been doing more specific research on what I would like to do in my free time over there and it all sounds so interesting and…historic. England has hundreds of years of history that occurred before Canada was even a country, and I would get to see all of those amazing historic sites in person, and read some of the most famous works of English Literature in the exact locations where they were written. I just…wished I could share my excitement about those works of lit with the one person who understood how amazing this really was. But…I had really hurt him…again. And now I had no idea where he stood; it seemed like he was lost in a cloud of doubt and uncertainty himself, just…adrift. And I hated that I made him be that way…again.

But, he knew when I was leaving and he hadn't made any effort to contact me, so I guess we'll just figure things out when I come back. If there's anything left to figure out then, I thought bitterly.

After Alli and I exchanged a tearful hug, I took the elevator down to the main floor and exited the residence building, and my eyes stung with tears when I saw Eli outside, sitting on the hood of the Jeep wearing his leather jacket and favorite pair of black jeans and a green shirt underneath. It was 6am and he was the only person on the normally busy street, and the freezing morning air didn't seem to bother him the least bit as he just…waited. He pulled out his ear buds out of his ears when he saw me and got down, as I shakily said, "You came," and I didn't want to give him a chance to pull away, so I just quickly wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him in for a hug that he sadly didn't really respond to.

As he pulled away, his gaze met mine and I saw him take in my blue U of T hoodie that he had given me as a present on my campus tour and my angel necklace as he said, "I just thought I would drive you to the airport, if that's okay," in a quiet tone.

"Thank you, Eli…just…thank you," I breathed, before more confidently adding, "I was planning on taking the streetcar, that's why I'm leaving so early. How long have you been waiting?" I asked.

"Not long, just got here," but I knew he was so sweet that he would respond that way no matter how long he had been outside, "I knew the time of that daily flight to London because I dropped off Mathew at the airport last week, and I figured you'd leave early if you were going to take the streetcar," he explained.

He shrugged his shoulders as he added in a raspy tone, "Didn't want to miss you leaving," and I wondered if a heart can actually break in a million little pieces literally, because if anything in the world had the power to do that to mine, it was the overwhelmingly sad demeanour that had overtaken Eli's body, his voice, his…everything.

"Let me grab your bag," he added in a hoarse voice and he instantly reached for it as we neared the Jeep. He lifted the bag into the back as I shyly apologized, "It's so heavy, sorry".

Eli just flashed me a small smile as he said, "It's not heavy at all, don't worry. It's a bit big, but you'll be gone for four months, you need lots of stuff obviously," and I just cast my glance at the road.

He held the car door open for me and I saw him turn the heat on once he got in the driver's seat. I had to move the little black cover notebook that I knew he used to plan story outlines and write story notes in as they came to his mind, out of the passenger seat, and he quickly apologized.

"Don't worry, it's all right. Are you working on a new story?" I asked him, as I was overwhelmed by sadness as I knew I wouldn't be by his side as he wrote it, edited it, and probably…published it.

"What's it about?" I asked nervously.

"Just writing down some thoughts, that's all," he said, as he turned onto the 401 and I felt him stepping onto the gas in order to increase the Jeep's speed to the appropriate level for this crazy highway.

_Of course he won't tell me about the story. This one will be one for the heartbreaking category. _

I let him focus on the adjustment to the highway and didn't push, and as I sat there in the passenger seat, the radio playing Eli's favourite style of music and his dad's voice occasionally coming on and introducing some of the songs, knowing these were my last thirty minutes with him for four months…and maybe for even longer than that? What if he wanted nothing to do with me when I got back? What if he met someone else who didn't always hurt him like I did? He's smart, funny, intelligent, handsome, loyal and caring…any girl would like him.

Just as a million thoughts were running through my mind, I saw Eli remove his right hand from the steering wheel and he placed it in the divider between our seats and opened it up. I let out a huge breath that I felt like I had been holding for the past three weeks without even being aware of it as I immediately took his hand and intertwined my fingers with his, and I felt him give my hand a small squeeze that brought tears to my eyes.

After a while on the highway, I saw him take the airport exit and he soon had to stop at a red light, but I knew a kiss might be too much right now, so I just snuggled up close to him and laid my head on his shoulder as he snaked through the roads leading to the airport, his eyes tearing up. The landscape around us was starting to change; whereas before it was typical Toronto office buildings and houses, it was now only huge Mississauga open fields, airplane testing lanes, huge repairs shelters, cranes and baggage transporters, and 24-hour coffee/Internet places with names like "Runway Café".

Eli turned into the "International Departures" lane and he whispered in a throaty voice, "British Airways, right?" as each of the airlines had its own designated parking lot and drop-off area, and I just softly said, "Yes."

He found a parking spot easily – it was 6:40 in the morning after all – and he then got my bag out of the back, and he carried it for me as we headed into the airport.

Eli scanned the display screen listing all the international flights departing in the next few hours, and pointed to it as he said, "BA436 to London Heathrow, there you are. You can probably print your boarding pass now if you go up to the British Airways counter, you know, get all ready to go".

He took my hand and walked me to the counter, where a very pretty blonde flight attendant greeted me with a very pronounced British accent. She quickly scanned my passport and printed out e-mail flight confirmation and then handed me a boarding pass as she said, "Have a nice flight, miss. I was just in London last night and the weather is beautiful, looks like the rain is gone for good," and she flashed me a perfect smile but I couldn't gather my wits in order to return it. I put my boarding pass in my carry-on purse as Eli lifted my large bag onto the conveyor belt that would lead it to the compartment of the plane designated for checked luggage.

We then walked away from the counter and in the direction of security, and a tear did fall down my face when I saw the sign displaying _Passengers only past this point, please_ and I could tell that at the ticket booth right behind that sign I would have to pay my airport taxes and after that, I could hear the metal detectors of security already beeping some passengers through in the distance.

I turned around to face Eli completely and he looked so…tired. He was looking ahead at the security section as she slowly said, "It looks like all those people heading through right now are probably on your flight… it's the only one leaving for a while".

I just nodded as I glanced over there and I heard Eli continue, "Well…there's lots of them so I guess you'd better get going. Um, have a safe flight, Clare," and I hated this. He wasn't smirking, or cracking jokes, or laughing, or…being Eli. He was completely destroyed.

"Yeah," I shakily breathed. "Eli…I'll miss you, so much," I said, as tears fell down my face and I wrapped my arms under his and pulled him in for a hug. I don't care if he wasn't going to initiate it, I needed it. It was four months!

I felt him immediately respond though, as he wrapped his arms around my back and he then smoothed my hair over as he softly said, "I'll miss you too, Clare. But have fun and learn lots, okay?" he said as he pulled out of our embrace, adding with a smirk, "Go rock the socks off those Brits," and I couldn't help but smile in response.

But…he wasn't going to kiss me? I felt my knees shaking at that thought, because it really looked like it wasn't going to happen, and I already kind of forced a hug on him.

I exhaled deeply and said, "Four months…122 days, then I'll be back, okay?" wishing he would tell me he'd be waiting for me.

"Okay," was what he said in response though, and I couldn't handle this bitter distance right now, so I hugged him again and as I rested my head against his chest, I felt it chest shaking in that horrible way it used to back when he had those terrible recurring nightmares, so I placed my hand over his heart because it had become almost instinct for me to do that. I felt Eli place his hand under my chin, and he slowly raised my face as he lowered his and his arms held me a bit tighter as he initiated the most gentle but passionate kiss I have ever been given in my entire life.

I could tell neither of us wanted to pull away, but eventually we had to, and Eli flashed me another sad smirk as he breathed, "I love you. We'll talk about everything when you get back okay? See where things are? But for now, you focus on getting everything out of England that you want to, it's a fun and amazing thing you're about to do," and as happy as I was to hear him say that he loves me, I couldn't help but be a bit unnerved by how he ended that sentence…I was hoping for some sort of guarantee, and I could still see that he had some doubt.

"I love you so much," I told him assertively as I leaned in and placed a kiss in the corner of his lips, and gave him one last hug before he flashed me a sad wave and whispered, "Be safe and have a lot of fun over there". I saw him wipe a tear away before I headed in the direction of security and when I turned around I noticed that he just stood there for a minute watching me walk away before he turned around and headed for the exit to the airport.

As I clutched my purse to me a bit tighter and pulled out my boarding pass, an eerie feeling overcame me as I stared forward at my fellow passengers. _I have never felt…so alone._ I tried to shrug it off, telling myself I was going to England – the place most like Canada outside of North America. Darcy had packed up and moved her entire life to Kenya when she was much younger than me, I was being completely ridiculous…_right? _

**Adam's POV**

_Please don't just go to bed. Please don't go to bed. Please read, or help me clean up this moving-in mess, or watch TV, or play video games…anything, just don't go to bed, _I thought to myself as I watched Eli come in our apartment.

"Hey. Is Clare off all right?" I asked him, trying to gage where he was at.

"Yep, she should be boarding the plane anytime now," he said, throwing his jacket to the side.

"Want some breakfast? We could go to the dining hall, see if Daniel made it in yet, if all his stuff is moved in?" I nervously asked him.

Eli just looked at me with a blank expression as he said, "No, thanks, go ahead without me. I'm going to go to bed for a bit," and I really desperately wished he would have said _anything_ but that. This sleeping thing of his…he'd done it a lot after Julia and in the hospital after the Spring Fling Disaster as I have come to term it…not again, Eli. _Not again, _I thought as I tried to think of what I should do if I notice him slipping away again…I was the one to see him most at college, but I'd have to…tell his parents? Imogen – she seemed to know a bit about the stuff that plagued Eli…yeah, maybe I could tell her first. If this gets any worse. I tried to remind myself that he had left at 5am to make sure he could drive Clare to the airport, so it made sense that he was tired…maybe I was reading too much into this sleeping thing…_right?_

**Eli's POV**

_You're messed up, Eli. You're a sociopath who likes to jerk people around and hurt them. We NEED TO BREAK UP. We're not meant to be together! Alli, that's none of your business, of course he's cute, and…sporty…and you know, my mom loves him. She always has, ever since we were little, but I always thought he liked Darcy, not me. And his dad loves me you know,…I don't know, if he were to ask me out, I would obviously say yes. That was an amazing goal, Jake! Do you want to read my English paper like you said you would last night? I can't wait for the dance, it'll be so much fun, Jake, it'll be the best night ever…you're going to give me the best night ever….I've never had a fun dance, you know…Alli, we need to go consult for prom outfits, Jake's taking me and I want it to be perfect….it's going to be the best night ever…_

Goddamn it. No. This was over. I was done with this. Why is this happening again? I thought with a panic as I tried to keep my hands from shaking and tried to regain my breath. Why was it so hard? Why couldn't I breathe? I felt tears on my face…when did those get there? I need to get this under control, I thought, as I stuffed the two photo frames on my night table in the drawer.

Ten minutes later, I realized that…someone was knocking on my door. Like crazy. What's going on, the fire alarm didn't ring. Or did it? Did I not hear it? I totally would have, that can't be it.

I quickly made my way to the door to see what was going on, and when I glanced at the clock in the living room I saw that it was…nine pm? What the hell, I slept all day? _No. I can't do that. Not again. _And where was Adam?

I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes as I opened the door and I quickly took in her teary face, messy hair, and runny mascara as she took a deep breath and choked back a sob as she said,

"Daniel and I broke up. I don't want to be all alone tonight….please, I can't handle being alone right now. Stay with me…I'm so lonely, Eli, please…we can do whatever you like, I'll do whatever you want, I mean it. However many times you want. I won't tell her. I won't tell Clare. You know I won't. It doesn't have to mean anything, I don't even care. I just need to feel….not alone right now, or…I'm going to do something bad, Eli," she said as she rubbed her wrists, breathing erratically as she continued, "I know I am, I'm not strong enough to deal with this on my own. I need to feel…someone love me right now," and I felt like I was in a little bit of a daze…was I still dreaming? Imogen was saying some really personal stuff on my doorstep, so I must be…everything was a bit hazy as well…what is she doing, why is she getting closer…is that her perfume? Her body is so warm, it's like she's radiating heat…is she sick?

"Eli…it's okay, this is right - we won't tell anyone, just tonight, just one night together just so I can feel better, okay? And so you can feel better too, we can help each other; I know she left today, she's gone…" I heard her say as she closed the door to my apartment behind her, pulling off my tie at the same time.

**Uh oh! But I would never end it here without giving you a DOUBLE UPDATE! Just touching up the next chapter now. **

**I would love it if you let me know what you think of the chapter though!**


	31. Counting Down

**Hi lovely readers! Double update! I couldn't leave you hanging like that, that would be much too cruel and I'm not cruel!**

**I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate all of the sweet reviews you leave me. They make me smile, laugh, and want to continue writing this. I take everything you say very seriously, which is why I waited to post this chapter until I had also written the next one, at the request of my lovely reviewer Cool Person who said "Uggg man I wish you would write two chaps next time". Well, then Cool Person, I did! A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter: Sophia, Michelle-Chambers1, risaisbrilbril, xeneti (glad to hear from you friend! Happy to see you are still reading, thanks for the update!), EpicNinjaChica, MelissaIsLame, KarenIsCoolio, ilovetaylorswift13, MaddieLovesEclare, deena, musiksnob, MartinaAxi, Julsgracie, GinHermi, iloveeliandclare, ToDecember, TJ Binx and CheapNovelty. And a special thank you to my friend Stalker Angel (I hope you keep reviewing! Don't worry if you miss a chapter, but anytime you can it would be fantastic!)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, any of the music mentioned, or any other real-world references that I happen to make!**

**Imogen's POV**

Why are his eyes all cloudy like that? Is he…on something? That's what I first thought, but that's not Eli's style and as I pulled him to his bedroom I could tell that his bed wasn't made…he just woke up, he's all sleepy. That's why he's so out of it…he must have had his nightmares again and now he's having a hard time figuring out where he is and what's going on. This might actually make everything easier. _It's pretty simple, Eli_. You're going to make me forget and I'm going to make you…damn it, I can't even pretend that I'll make him forget, because I know that he loves her. He's not going to forget her. But…he can be with _me_ tonight. He can hold _me_ tonight, and I can do whatever he wants. I'll do whatever he wants. She doesn't do that stuff with him, that much I know…maybe when I do it with him…maybe then he'll…not forget her, because I know he won't, but…just not think of her. Maybe he'll keep his focus…on _me_. I'll do everything and anything he wants.

**Eli's POV**

Why can't I snap out of this dream? I don't want to dream of Imogen…what the fuck? She's not the one I love…I hate this…I need to wake up, this is horrible. I'm about to dream-cheat on Clare?

She's sitting on my bed, crying her eyes out and taking her boots off. _Snap out of it, Eli, wake up_. This is disturbing; I've never had this nightmare before. This isn't fair, my nightmares have always been of things that have happened or are likely to happen. Car crash? Done. Clare leaving me? Sure. Me sleeping with Imogen? No. Snap out of it, Eli.

Why is she looking through my night table drawers? I don't even buy condoms, and I won't be doing that for years probably. I want to tell her to stop looking though my stuff, but then I hear the bang of the picture frame containing my favourite image in the world and…something's not right.

Bangs wake me up; real world noises wake me up, like…_the knocks on my door. _Those were real! This is all real…I'm not dreaming. I quickly rushed into my bathroom and splashed my face with cold water, and yeah…I'm not dreaming. Fuck, this is infinitely more majorly messed up then. What's happening to me…I'm slowly losing it again…and now Imogen is on my bed taking her clothes off, I thought in a panic as I rushed back over there.

She was just reaching for the side zipper of her dress, pulling it halfway down in a second before she wrapped her body around mine as I approached her and whispered in my ear, "How do you want to start?" and I felt her hand creeping down my chest. I felt extremely guilty, because in my confusion I had let her in and now she was thinking this was going to happen. Not that throwing her out was an option, but…handling this is going to be a lot trickier than Montreal, because she's in complete hysterics, ready to take her clothes off in a second. And I don't want her to go off and cut herself, which is what she was definitely suggesting.

I gently but assertively pulled out of her embrace, raised an eyebrow as I pulled her zipper back up and placed her hands in her lap as I sat her down on my bed and I brought my computer chair opposite of her and took a seat in it.

Tears raced down her face as she said, "You don't want me! You still don't want me! I throw myself at you, saying I'll do anything you want – _anything, Eli_ – and I'll pretend like it never even happened, and you _still _don't want me! Isn't this every guy's dream? Don't some guys _pay_ for the strings off deal? Why am I so…undesirable! Tell me, why, Eli! Tell me!" she was saying tearfully, and my heart ached for her. Why did she feel so bad about herself? She was a smart and beautiful girl and I knew Daniel loved her. Why was she so…messed up? Her stupid parents. Can't recognize an outstanding kid who works so hard and can't even tell her 'I'm proud of you' once. Would it really kill them to just say that to her one time?

She buried her face in her hands for a minute before she said, "I'm not saying…_love me_, Eli. I'm just saying…_be with me_," and I hated how she was degrading herself like this, but I needed some time to come up with the right words as they would make all the difference. She was in a really bad spot, and she had no one to look after her right now. Her parents were out of the question, obviously, she lived on her own, and she had probably just had a fight with Daniel that she blew out of proportion…that was kind of her style, according to some things he had told me.

I softly told her, "Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay," and I moved beside her, letting her lean her head on my shoulder as I moved her hair away from her face; it was making her eyes more irritated because it was…everywhere. I made sure to keep things totally platonic, because she kind of reminded me of a little girl who needed to be comforted right now, so I knew words wouldn't be enough. She was really suffering, but what I hate is how she has a tendency to put herself in all of these unsafe situations when she's distraught. Tears stung my eyes when I remembered the other girl who had marked my life who sometimes tended to do that as well, and that…ended her life. I couldn't let Imogen get close to that kind of a situation.

I kept one hand around her shoulder and noticed that she immediately calmed down at my touch…like one of those ER babies who immediately get better if their moms just hold them, no crazy surgery required. I told her, "It's okay, you're not alone, you won't be alone," I said, being really careful to not specify that there's no way in hell that she's staying here tonight. Not even Clare had ever slept over in our apartment – obviously only sleeping – and if she heard Imogen spent the night, I knew all my explanations wouldn't be enough to remove every single little sliver of doubt that would form in her mind. I knew Lana would come through for me, if Adam helped me out a little. She could stay with Lana, and Lana would also be the perfect person to give her the little self-esteem boost she clearly needs – Lana's a tough California girl, as she always characterizes herself.

I heard Imogen let out an involuntary whine before she said, "He said…that _I don't love him_. That because I don't want him to meet my parents, that I don't love him, that I'm not serious about him. I know I stayed with his parents and that it was a big deal to formally introduce me like that, but…don't you get it, Eli?" and I was relieved to hear we were off the let's-sleep-together-tonight-and-pretend-like-it's-not-a-big-deal subject and onto the real issue here. Dammit, I knew it had to involve her stupid parents.

My silence must have revealed that I sort of didn't get the specific thing she was referring to though, so she continued, "If he meets them…they'll ruin it, Eli. And I don't want them to ruin my relationship with him, because I love him," she tearfully said. "They'll say…he's too good for me. _What's a future lawyer doing with you? He'll get bored with you soon enough, he only wants one thing_, which is such a lie because we haven't even done that, yet…but…I'll believe them, Eli, no matter how hard I try not to, I know I will. And then I'll convince myself to dump him, and I'll break his heart, and I really, really don't want to do that to him, I don't," she continued, sobbing intermittently as I passed her a Kleenex box.

So this was the problem. As convoluted as her logic was, it all made sense now. Well, almost everything. Sleeping with me was definitely not the solution here.

"Imogen…did you explain that to him?" I softly asked her.

"No…I don't want him to know about my parents…how they are. He'll think…that I'll grow up to be like that too, a cold and heartless mother. But that's not true, Eli! If I ever am lucky enough to have a baby, it'll be the most loved baby on the planet," she said, anticipation and empathy filling her eyes.

"I know, I know that," I assured her, as I moved in the chair opposite of the bed now, thinking my touch had done as much good as it was ever going to, "but Daniel doesn't think like that, Imogen. I know he doesn't. He…has mentioned the future to me, and he…doesn't think like that about you at all," I honestly told her, wondering if she really knew just how serious he was about her. But it wasn't my place to flat out tell her…that would be the joy of his life, not mine.

She shyly wiped her eyes again and looked up at me and whispered, "Really? He doesn't?" and I eagerly nodded in response as I added, "And he'll tell you that - as soon as you work things through. But Imogen…you need to tell him about your parents, and I don't mean all that stuff about him being too good for you because that's pure crap, but just tell him you're not close with them, and….you might have to have them meet, because family is a big deal to Daniel. I know because of that summer I met his family when I worked in Ottawa, remember?" I asked her and she confirmed that she did.

I continued, "But explain things to him, okay? Just a quick meeting with your parents maybe, and forget everything your parents tell you. Don't even stay there long enough to hear what they have to say! You've gotten this far without them; it'll only get easier as you get older, all right? Don't lose Daniel over something like this, okay?" and I saw her exhale as she softly whispered, "You're right. Do you think…that Daniel and I can work it out?"

"I know you can," I confidently answered back.

She then shyly stuck her hands under her legs as she said, "Eli…what I did…coming to you and saying all that stuff…that was bad. If it was any other guy…" she started, but I saw her embarrassment so I quickly cut her off.

"Don't worry about it," was all I could awkwardly come up with.

"No, Eli, it's…remarkable. I think…the reason I came to _you_…was because I knew. Subconsciously I knew you wouldn't…say yes. Subconsciously I knew that if I went to any other guy, they'd do it in a second and toss me to the side the minute it was over," she continued.

I did feel there was something I needed to say to her though, "Imogen…please don't worry about it, let's just pretend it didn't happen okay? People do all sorts of things when they are under stress and desperate like that, trust me, no one knows that better than me. My personal selection is crashing hearses while I am behind the wheel," I told her, but I knew the psychology major in her wasn't surprised to hear that. She had figured out my nightmares in a second, so the look of understanding on her face didn't shock me at all. She's probably read about stuff like this in her classes, she's much more used to it than your average person. And like she told me, she is the daughter of trauma surgeons…it's hard to shock her.

I continued, "But…I'm worried. These are frightening situations you put yourself in…what if you had run into some other random guy while coming over here? You look so distraught that you wouldn't even have had to talk to him…if he was a bad guy, he would have figured everything out right away. It's scary, Imogen," I admitted to her. "You're an amazing girl, and I don't want anyone to hurt you…maybe we could all work on getting you to be more aware of these scary situations and avoiding them," I suggested, because I really did find this very disturbing. She was like a speeding train about to go off its tracks; you didn't know when exactly it was going to happen, but sooner or later it would. She needed to be pulled back from that, but she needed help putting on the breaks.

She took a deep breath and said, "I know. I…do that on purpose," and my eyes widened. _Excuse me?_

She cast her eyes downward as she said, "Eli…sometimes I know how to get people's attention…it's something I've learned growing up with my parents, you see, and…then I…manipulate them," I heard her say and I flinched at the use of that word.

"That's all right, it's okay, it's not the end of the world," I softly said, because I knew _exactly_ how she felt right now and there is not a worse feeling than the one she is experiencing right now. She feels like some sort of monster who…is not enough. Who…will never be enough.

"What?" she shakily whispered, shock clearly displayed on her face.

"I said…it's okay, Imogen. You'll fix that. You can fix that, it's in your control," and I have never seen her look so relieved or so…at peace with herself than in that moment.

Her eyes teared up as she said, "You're such a good friend, Eli. Why do I always try to ruin what you have with Clare?" guilt invading her voice.

"Hey, let's worry about the future, not the past, okay? The past is the past, we can't change it, but the future is completely in our control," I told her, repeating one of Dr. Sadler's favourite mantras.

"Okay," she slowly nodded.

"I was thinking tonight you might like to stay with –" I began telling her, but then I heard my phone ring and I reached for it right away…I knew it was a ten hour long flight, so why hadn't she called yet? I couldn't help but be disappointed and relieved at the same time when I saw Daniel's name flash across the screen.

"Daniel, hey," I answered as I noticed Imogen sitting wide-eyed across from me.

"Dude, Eli, I screwed up with Imogen and now I can't find her anywhere – she's not at her place, she's not answering her phone, she's not with any of her friends, I have no clue how to get a hold of her parents, and I'm really worried about her, I'm one step away from calling campus security, do you think –"he said, running out of breath, so I quickly interrupted him,

"She's here, she's okay, she's safe. She was upset, and we…had some chapter stuff to do tomorrow, but she wanted to keep herself busy and came to finish it tonight," I said, feeling guilty about it, but it really was the next thing I had planned to do with her. I'm afraid Daniel might not forgive her if he knew why she had come over here in the first place, and…I really wanted him to help her get rid of these insecurities of her. He loved her, but they were both kind of stubborn. Losing her over something like this wasn't worth it, but it'd better damn be the last time she does this to me, I thought a little angrily. It puts me in a really awkward position.

I saw her look of gratefulness as she heard me say that, and Daniel took a deep breath and said, "Thank God. Thanks, Eli. Do you think…I could come get her? I said some things to her that I regret, and I'm scared she won't forgive me," he nervously said.

"She'll forgive you," I instantly reassured him, and I saw the incredulous smile that crossed Imogen's face as she heard me say that.

Imogen took the next ten minutes to clean up in my bathroom a bit, and then a very out of breath Daniel appeared at my door, and he thanked me again before embracing Imogen in a hug and I could hear him repeatedly say, "I'm so sorry, baby. I was an idiot, and I love you". She was too distraught and crying softly to respond, so he just picked her up in his arms and kissed her temple as she buried her face in his neck, and he carried her over the threshold of the door while mouthing another silent 'thank-you' to me.

I took a deep breath once they were both gone, glad that that whole thing was under control now, and I went over to check my phone…it's been 15 hours, what gives? I logged onto the British Airways website, holding my breath as my shaky hand barely controlled the mouse – the plane was fine, right? It must have been fine, I thought with a panic, and a few seconds later I could see that indeed it had been marked 'On Time,' so nothing had happened, thank goodness.

Well, nothing other than the usual Clare pulling away from me, I thought as I went back to my bed and crawled under the covers.

_We're not meant to be together. Jake lost his mom a little while ago, but you don't see him obsessed over this whole death thing like Eli is, do you, Clare? Jake is fun, Clare, he's perfect. Jake will steal your heart, just you wait and see._

**Clare's POV**

"I'm an Australian citizen, and my government won't be impressed to hear that I was suspected of – "I heard an old lady yell behind me.

"When can we know what happened, miss –"a business man waving his Blackberry around was saying in frustration.

"Sir, please – I have a child who is two years old waiting on me –"a young woman was explaining to a security officer.

The officer stood on a chair and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm truly sorry about the delay, but London Heathrow is one of the busiest airports in the world, but I assure we are the most secure airport in the world, and that is because of the high standards that we constantly upkeep. Sometimes such standards require these types of checks, and it is only with the patient co-operation of passengers that we are able to provide you with these high safety standards, so I appreciate your tolerance. I guarantee you that we will only be here for half an hour longer at the most," he said, and his British accent seemed a bit different than the one that I was so familiar with. I smiled to myself when I realized that pretty soon I should be able to discern between different parts of the country and their corresponding accents.

But I'm with the Australian lady – this is ridiculous. Pretty sure Australia and Canada and the UK are as tight as foreign governments can be though, so I doubt any complaint will go anywhere. I've just been grinning and bearing this 'routine check' that involves checking each and every single piece of luggage on the plane – by hand. My bag has already been done, but apparently part of the exercise involves everyone waiting until everything is finished. At least I didn't have any problems – the lady who looked over my bag even guessed that I was a student coming on exchange, and when she saw that I was from Canada I swear I saw her lighten up a bit. But I really wanted to get to a phone – I needed a land line because I was told my cell phone doesn't work in Europe; apparently none of the ones made in North America work over here. And while it was bright and early here in London, I knew that Eli would be getting ready for bed now, and I didn't want to wake him up, but I knew he's likely to stay up and wait for my call.

Just like the officer had promised, thirty minutes later we were finally dismissed from the security area and released into the general international arrivals area, where I was shocked to see Mathew with a big smile on his face. Was he waiting for me?

"Clare! Over here!" he said, waving enthusiastically. Guess he was.

"Hey, Mathew," I said with a smile.

"Thought I'd pick you up – Eli let me know the flight you were coming in on – I've been dying by myself over here for a week, I need to hear someone speak _Canadian English_ for heavens' sake!" he said with a laugh, as I couldn't help but be overcome with emotion at realizing that Mathew was doing this as a favour to Eli.

"Thanks so much for picking me up," I told him.

"Of course, anything for Eli's girl," he said with a wink. "The dude's pretty bummed out, eh?" he shot, and I just silently nodded in response, not wanting to go down this road.

Mathew added, "But I don't drive, I'm sorry," and I assured him that was fine, the image of Scotty's teary face coming to mind right away. Mathew said, "But I want Eli to know that I am taking good care of you over here, so we're not taking the Underground to the university, or to the 'uni' as everyone seems to call it over here – we're taking the Heathrow Express, which is like one of those fast bullet trains the Brits seem to be so fond of – it'll get us to school in twenty minutes," he said with a beaming smile, obviously a little happy that he had the upper hand in London knowledge so far.

"We don't have to do that," I specified, noticing my ticket had cost him 15 pounds as he handed it over to me and I read the details on it. In addition, he categorically refused to let me pay him back.

"Um, yes we do. What would Eli say - my vote vetoes yours?" he said with a chuckle, and I couldn't help but feel a pang in my chest. _That's exactly what he would say. _

"Okay then, thanks," I said, giving in. I kind of wanted to get to my room quickly – it had been a long tiring flight, then that whole lovely security thing happened as well, and I really wanted to hear Eli's voice.

Mathew had also picked up my room keys from the university, just giving them my name and student number and apparently being convinced by his Canadian accent that we were friends, a detail which I found quite funny, so I was able to head there right away. The campus was beautiful; if I thought U of T's buildings looked historic, then…I'm not even sure that there is a word to describe the magnificent English buildings. My room was small but comfortable and above ground just as I liked it, on the third floor. I knew everyone else in my rez would be international students, and I couldn't wait to meet them and see what they were like, and to learn about their home countries as well.

But for now, all I did was just plop down on bed, pick up the handset that was in my room, and I was delighted that I figured out the prefixes the first time around, as my mom's voice excitedly greeted me at the other end. We had a short conversation as she could tell that I was tired – and possibly eager to talk to Eli as well, because she did ask about that – and after hanging up I went to pour myself a glass of water in the tiny kitchenette I had as I dialled the number I loved so much.

Why is he not picking up? It's ten thirty, surely he's not sleeping already.

I hung up and tried again, thinking maybe I just had the wrong number. This time he picked up on the third ring, but something was wrong…I could tell right away.

"Hello?" I heard his raspy voice say, but...was he panting? He was out of breath, and…choking?

"Eli? It's me, Clare," I said, but when he didn't respond immediately, I felt tears stinging my eyes.

_His nightmares were back. Dear God, his nightmares were back. _

And now he was all alone again.

"Hey, Clare, sorry. Yeah I'm here, I'm here. How was your flight?" he quickly said, trying to cover up the fact that there was an issue, but he was speaking much faster than his usual pace. _I knew it, I just knew it. _

"Oh, Eli," I tearfully sighed.

"What's wrong, Clare?" he asked, picking up on my sadness.

"Was your flight okay? Are you all right at school in the rez over there? Sweetheart, tell Mathew if something's wrong, he'll help you, I know he will, and he's already been there a week, he'll know the ropes," he was saying.

"No, Eli…your nightmares…they're back," I whispered.

"Just this once," he quickly said, and I could tell he was trying to just get me to not worry. "Don't worry about that, just this once, Clare, only because it's been a messed up night," he added, and as much as I wanted to believe him, I knew it was because his fears about me leaving him were resurfacing again. I knew the images and snippets of conversation that he had picked up during the time that I was with Jake were haunting him…why, God? Why does this have to happen to him? He hasn't suffered enough?

"What happened?" I asked, sitting down on the bed that was now mine.

I was then met with a very hesitant Eli but…he didn't need a lot of encouragement before he told me about the most ridiculous little occurrence I had ever heard of. To say that I was furious was an understatement.

"What the hell, Eli! I'm not gone for even a day and she's in your apartment, ready to sleep with you! First with the kissing attempts, now the stripping _in your room_, what's next – you come home from class and she's going to be waiting for you naked in your bed? Eli, if you were a girl and she was a guy, campus security would be all over this," I angrily said, and that might be a bit of an overreaction, but seriously…what was her problem? She was evil, tempting Eli with the one thing she knew I couldn't give him. I knew he wouldn't cheat on me…but…our relationship was a little rocky right now, and comes along Imogen - saying why don't they just sleep together for fun and no one has to know! Eli really is a miracle specimen of a guy, but I can't help but wonder….how much can I put him through before he decides he's had enough? Because…I think he's getting close. And I'm three thousand bloody miles away.

"I wasn't about to sleep with her Clare," he sighed, and he sounded so completely drained, "and I'm not going to cheat on you. If it's one thing that I can guarantee will never break our relationship, it's that one," he continued, and the conviction in his voice as he told me that assured me, even if I still hated this whole situation. And I really appreciated that Eli told me what happened, it was a vote of confidence that I don't want him to regret taking.

I heard him cheekily add, "But I am quite pleased to see that this is the second time I've ever heard you swear," and I just groaned at that comment, telling him I was allowed just this second time.

"Eli…I love you. Thank you," I softly told him, deciding he didn't need to be chastised for this any more. It wasn't his fault, really.

I proceeded to tell him about my airport nightmare, and just as I had suspected he had been a little worried about my timing. I also gave him just the tiniest first impressions of University College and of London in general, explaining that I really haven't had time to form any detailed ones.

I could feel him getting more and more tired though, so I just said, "Eli…there's 121 days left until I come home".

I heard him take a deep breath at the other end of the phone and he said, in the quietest of voices, "I know, Clare. I know," before we had to say our goodbyes.

**Clare's POV**

"Oh man, it was the most inappropriate best man's speech I think there ever was," I could hear Eli say between laughter on the other end of the phone.

I giggled in response and said, "So you did have fun at the wedding overall? It was a success?"

"Clare, it was a _wedding. _It was all _wedding-y_. I think I heard 'Let us pray' more times today that ever in my entire life," he informed me. Hang on.

"It was in a church? Cece's sister got married in a church?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I mean, it was a wedding. The reception was at a hotel, but yeah, the actual wedding part was at St. Andrew's. She is just about as religious as my mom, meaning not really at all, but she said she didn't want to do just City Hall, she wanted something for her family and her husband's family. They're not religious either, but apparently churches don't burn you if you want to get married there and have never been in them much, can you believe that, Edwards?" he said as he chuckled and I knew that somewhere on the other side of the world on the U of T downtown campus, Eli was smirking.

"Who knew?" I responded playfully, "But no, yeah, plenty of people who aren't religious do wedding in churches, they just like it," I informed him.

"I know. It looked really nice, I get it, I'd probably do the same time thing," he said, and I couldn't help but let a certain vision flood my mind when I heard him assert that. I lost my senses for a little while there, and I zoned out while he was telling me some other stories about the wedding, but there really was one thing that I really needed to know.

"Eli…did you…go by yourself? To Hamilton? Or did you…you know, bring a wedding date?" because I knew people don't really go to weddings by themselves. Maybe he took Lana, but even that would be weird, and if he tells me he went with Imogen I'm jumping on a plane to Toronto right now.

"You'll never guess who's newly single and who I took, hoping it might go somewhere, it's be pretty sweet if it did," and I felt my heart drop. What have we been doing here…just friend conversations? W_e'll figure everything out when you come back, all right? See where we're at? _Is this what he meant by that?

"W-Who?" I managed to get out.

"Turns out Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban didn't work out after all, and that she's a major fan of weddings. Only obstacle in our path is really her height, she's kind of twice my size. Do you think it matters?" he sarcastically asked, and I wanted to slap him playfully, but that couldn't be achieved over the phone.

"I don't know, but Keith is just a little taller than me, you know. _We_ look perfect. That rock star sex appeal and good country boy charm combined – Oh, I'm all in with him, Eli, hope you'll come to our wedding," I said in a breathy voice and I heard Eli's tone shift immediately.

"You're evil, Edwards. I was kidding, no need to ruin it for me," he said, his jealousy evident. I couldn't help but give him a little laugh.

Eli continued, "Nah, I went by myself, I asked my mom if that would be okay and apparently since she was my aunt and I was close to the wedding party it was fine," he said, and I tried to shake off the image of Eli in a suit being surrounded by girls in dresses. Because I'm sure they were checking him out.

"Did you put your dance lessons to good use?" I asked him playfully.

"Ugh, I danced with my mom and then with my aunt. She had on her huge wedding dress and I stepped on it at one point. It's a _white_ dress and I stepped on it," he humorously said, and I couldn't help but laugh _a lot _when I heard that.

"But Eli, did Keith and Nicole really break up? They seemed so in love," I said sadly. I kind of….looked to what they had ever since that really emotional interview I had seen Keith do, and I didn't want to see it come tumbling down. If those two can't make it, then who can?

"Oh, Edwards, that's precisely why my joke was so funny – not so much now that you're making me explain it – it was because those two people are the least likely in the world to ever break up that made it so amusing; they definitely didn't, actually Nicole Kidman love letter album #5 just came out last month," he said, and I felt myself grinning.

"Good, because I knew she loves him a lot," I said, hoping he remembered what I had told him about me loving him just as much as Nicole loves Keith…even if I walked out on Eli and Keith says that when Nicole stayed by his side, it was her love that truly saved him in that time.

"And he loves her just as much back. She saved him, remember?" Eli asked in a soft tone, and in that moment I knew we were on the same wavelength here.

"Eli?" I softly asked.

"Yes?"

"There 96 more days until I come home," I said, placing another red X on my Tower of London calendar.

"I know, Clare. I know," I heard him gently reply.

**Eli's POV**

"But my favourite was definitely Buckingham Palace," I heard my girl excitedly tell me on the phone.

"Was the Queen there?" I asked her in response.

"No! Apparently there is a flag at the top of the palace that flies whenever she is home, and it was down. But you'll never guess where she is, it drove me nuts," Clare replied, and I couldn't help but smirk at her cute little frustration.

"Um, Antarctica?" shot back.

"Yes, because _that's_ the best place for an 88 year old lady to go to," Clare sarcastically said. "She's in Canada, silly! Visiting Vancouver! Mathew said he should have just stayed home if he wanted to see her, and I mean…he was right," I heard Clare say, and I was glad Mathew and her were hanging out because he had promised me to look out for her….but I didn't mean like, all the time…he was a single, attractive, journalism master's student after all, he'd totally start crushing on Clare once he got to know her better.

_And all alone in jolly ole England_…ugh, I need to stop. If Clare decides to go for him, that'll be that.

"I love you, Eli," I heard her softly say at the other end of the line, and the little breath she let out at the end of the sentence told me everything I needed to know. She missed me.

"I love you too, Clare. I miss you," I replied.

"I miss you too, Eli. So much. Did you know there's 54 more days until I come home?" she asked me, making my heart swell with love as I placed a small black X on my Dead Hand calendar.

"Yeah, I know, Clare. I know," I softly assured her.

**Clare's POV**

I had just returned from my favourite class, Contemporary British Lit, when I found Mathew waiting outside my room with a latte. What a nice thought on his part, grabbing me a coffee! My best friend in England was Chelsea, a girl from Kenya who had taught me so much about the country, all information that I wanted to talk about to with Darcy later, but Mathew was probably my closest friend after that.

It was just nice to be able to talk to someone who would understand my sometimes mild frustrations with not being to find maple syrup for my pancakes in the dining hall, and all these little things that U of T had that University College London didn't. I loved England with every fibre of my being, and it was so easy to feel comfortable here as it really was quite similar to Canada, but sometimes it also had the power to feel really different than Canada as well. And…I missed Eli like crazy, and as strange as it might sound, hanging out with Mathew made me feel a step closer to him…I could talk about my boyfriend and he would know what I mean, about all of Eli's little quirks and funny things he'd always say or do.

"Are you going to the rugby game, Matt?" I asked him.

"Isn't it in Dublin? That's kind of far, Clare," he said, raising his eyebrow at me.

"No silly, I didn't mean in person – I meant at the pub," I clarified.

"No thanks, that gets a little rowdy, I have had to cover a few sports events for BBC and rugby between England and Ireland …let's just say people here take it very seriously. Best to steer clear of that," he said with a smile.

Then he nervously added, "You're not going, are you?"

I told him, "I want to see what it's like, it's like a tradition here," but he immediately widened his eyes.

"Clare, don't – if you want to see an English tradition, come with me to Stamford Bridge on Sunday when I cover the Chelsea – Manchester United soccer game for work. _That's_ tradition, and I can get you a ticket. Please?" I heard him ask, and I knew why he was doing this.

_Eli._ He had promised Eli not just to pick me up at the airport, but to like…be my guard dog while I was here. I hated this feeling; it drove me up the wall the way Eli looked at me sometimes, like a defenceless little girl always needing a man by her side to protect her! This had caused problems for us before, and it seemed like the one thing Eli was just inflexible on. Now, I understood the whole Julia thing, and I always try to be as compassionate as possible, but I was not Julia. I was on exchange – I was supposed to go out and see things, do things, not just lie hidden in my room the entire day because I was too scared to do things on my own.

"Matt, Eli doesn't have a leash on me, and neither do you," I bitterly said, instantly regretting my choice of words.

Matt had a short temper – I knew this from the paper, so I really should have been more prudent. I saw him narrow his eyes as he said, "I just offered you a trip to the hottest ticket in town – press box – to a game between the best two football teams in the world, started before Canada was even a country and you opt to watch some tiny game in a pub? Come on, Clare. Oh, and just so you know something - Eli's a nice guy, any girl would kill to have him. And they were trying, you know – the year that I got to know him before you came to U of T, I kept wondering why he didn't reciprocate to any of them; I don't have girls flocking to me like that, so I was totally astonished. But then when he brought you to the paper that day, set up things so you could help out….I knew. I knew why. But jeez Clare, give me a break," he scoffed before he walked into his room, slamming the door behind him.

Ugh, why does everyone feel the need to rant at me about Eli all the time? I know how lucky I am, but I am not his…property, I thought bitterly, as Chelsea and I got our outfits ready for the game. I was told that if you don't dress in the colors of the team, you'd have a hard time getting into the pub.

"I really have a hard time following this game," I told Chelsea as she laughed in response.

"I know, it takes a while to get the hang of it," she said as she sipped her beer.

I shifted uncomfortably in the packed pub as a large drunken guy who looked to be about our age and who was screaming at the players as if he thought they could actually hear him leaned over and said, "I can tell you cuties about how it's played," and I have never been more disgusted in my life.

"Buzz off, loser," I heard Chelsea snap at him, and I was a little jealous of how brave she was. I was way too scared to address him, so I was happy to see that after that warning from her, he left us alone. As much as I hated to admit it…Matt had been right. This pub made me uncomfortable, and everyone else was re_ally _into the game, and I found it kind of boring. Apparently the London team was losing to the Dublin team, and it was a home game, which apparently made the loss all the more humiliating.

I would have left within the first five minutes of getting here, but Chelsea actually really liked rugby and she wanted to watch his seemingly important game – I think it was a semi-final of some sort – so I felt bad asking her to leave. I nervously looked around to see that there weren't that many girls here though, and the few that were around were in large groups that also contained guys.

I tried to shrug off those thoughts as the game came to an end, much to my relief, as all I wanted to do was be back in my dorm with a book…and send Eli an e-mail. I knew he'd be swamped with writing his final essays at this time, and I thought a cute little email from me might brighten up his day. Maybe I'll send him a couple of pictures, I thought, as Chelsea and I were scrambling through the crowd to get to the exit, but my heart froze when that idiotic guy from earlier grabbed my arm and I noticed that he was now surrounded by several friends.

"Wait up, girls. I think one of you had something she wanted to day to me earlier?" he asked with a mean gleam in his eye as Chelsea moved towards the door, but he stepped in her way.

"Where are you fit ladies from?" I heard him ask, and I was terrified that he'd get mad if I didn't respond, so I just said, "Canada, and actually I'm going to the airport right now, I'm going to be late," I lied, but he wouldn't ease his grip on me.

"Oh we got ourselves a couple of Canadian cuties!" he said, his voice getting louder as his friends laughed in response.

He continued, "Well, maybe they don't teach you this in Canada, but this is _my bar _– I watch every game here, and no one disrespects me like that, got it?" and I nervously nodded, hoping that would be enough. But he still didn't let go of me, and I struggled a little, getting more and more worried - this was a public pub for crying out loud, why doesn't anyone do something?

"Let go of her. Right now," I heard an angry voice say and when I turned around to see its source, I couldn't feel any guiltier. Mathew must have come after all…to look after me?

"And who might you be?" I heard the drunken guy ask Mathew, and I was amazed that Mathew didn't seem to realize that this guy had four other friends.

"An angry Canadian. Haven't you been taught not to mess with one before?" Mathew retorted with a smug confidence that reminded me of the way…Eli often talked to Fitz.

"More like a lonely, lost Canadian," the drunken guy said while his friends laughed in response, but Mathew just shrugged and immediately threw a punch much to my amazement. He managed to hit the guy who had his grip on me, and I was soon free, but I saw Mathew take a number of good punches from his four friends and I panicked. I was glad to see a man behind the bar shout, "Let him go Ryan, or you'll be banned from here forever. Last warning," and apparently my drunken assaulter really liked this pub like he had first suggested, because he dragged himself and his four friends outside pretty quickly.

I immediately ran over to Mathew and gasped when I saw that his nose was bleeding and his lip was cut. Chelsea and I got some help from a girl who worked at the bar and we cleaned him up in one of the staff washrooms, and I was so horrified and ashamed at my behaviour. It had caused other people to suffer, and Mathew really didn't deserve this.

"I'm so sorry, Matt, I was so stupid," I began, but he cut me off right away.

"The important thing is that you're both fine, but I do hope you've learned your lesson. Fucking rugby pub on your own," he muttered angrily, and his language didn't shock me as I had heard it around the newsroom plenty of times. "Clare," he said after a long pause, and I felt my heart drop. He must be so furious with me.

"Not a word of this reaches Eli," he assertively said, and I was frozen in shame. Mathew continued and said, "It would kill him. That he wasn't here. Not a word," and I just nodded and assured him I wouldn't say anything. Eli didn't need anything else to worry about…he had told me his nightmares weren't occurring every night, but I called him almost every night, and I could just…tell. He was just saying that to not worry me, but I knew better.

As we got into a cab and I settled Mathew down into his room with some bandages and cleaned all of his cuts all over again, I apologized profusely, and I was glad to see he had calmed down a lot. Just as I was leaving, he said,

"Hey Clare – I meant it when I said don't worry about it. Do you know just how rad and legit journalist-like I feel with my war wounds? It'd be sweet if people thought I got them like, in the field, you know, not in a bar fight. It's a win/win for both of us," and I sighed in relief and gave him a small laugh. He really was one crazy kid.

"Of course, Mr. Future AC 360," I told him, referring to his favourite journalist, who probably did have a few _real_ war wounds from the places he has been in order to cover conflicts.

**Eli's POV**

"Well, I loved seeing Trafalgar Square on Saturday, but on Sunday I discovered my favourite park here - St. James' Park. It even has this little cottage that looks like something out of _The Hobbit_," I heard Clare say in an excited voice as she was recounting the adventures of her weekend for me.

"Isn't that filmed in New Zealand?" I asked her, slightly puzzled.

"Well, yes, but you get the point. Anyway, Eli…I wanted to say…thank you," I heard her say out of the blue.

"For what? Correcting you on the locations of Peter Jackson films?" I asked playfully.

"No, for…Eli, you always take such good care of me. And I know sometimes I am not as grateful for it as I should be, and I'm really ashamed I act like that, you know. You're so…good to me," I heard her softly say, and as lovely as it was to hear it, this little declaration on her part had me worried a bit.

"What happened, Clare?" I instantly asked, hoping she'd just tell me.

"Nothing happened, silly. I just…miss you that's all," she said.

"I miss you too," I confirmed, and then I informed her about how I had handed in my last final essay and now I just had final exams to deal with.

"When are yours?" I asked her.

"Next week as well," she said, and I teased her, "Not that they really matter, Miss England Exchange. When they transfer your credits over to U of T, it's pass/fail".

"I know, but still, I want to get good marks," she pointed out.

"And you will, Clare, I know you will," I assured her.

"I sure hope so. And then…I will be coming home! And Mathew decided to come home too for Christmas, he's coming to Canada for two weeks, you know why?" she cheekily asked me.

Oh man. She hadn't mentioned doing stuff with him in ages, he'd better not be coming home to meet her parents or something.

"I don't," was all I could get out.

"He met a girl – an English girl who also works for BBC. Apparently she covered the Olympics for BBC when they were in Vancouver and she fell in love with the city then, so Mathew is using his Vancouver homeboy card to score some bonus points with her as he shows her around town," she said with a giggle and I couldn't help but be relieved at that new piece of information. I trust Clare, but…I just feel like…any day now she could change her mind. I just…don't have the luxury of knowing.

"That sounds fantastic," I replied, as she was waiting for my opinion on Mathew's love life.

"Eli?" I heard her ask.

"10 days," I filled in for her, as she softly responded, "I know. Tomorrow it will be single digits".

**Clare's POV**

"But you have to come visit me in Kenya, okay? And it's perfect, we can drive up to the orphanage and see your sister," Chelsea told me with a big smile at the airport as we said a tearful goodbye.

"And you have to come to Toronto," I told her, "If you think England is cold…" I teased her, and she acted out an exaggerated shiver as she mouthed "Neverrrr".

I gave her one last hug before heading to my gate. I was getting really excited to touch down in Toronto, hear Canadian English all around me, eat all the maple syrup I wanted, go back to my own university…and obviously, to see all the people I love that I really have missed so much. Four months can feel like a second but also like four years at times.

I was ecstatic to find a land line and I quickly dialled Eli's number, and I was delighted to see him answer on the first ring.

I teased him a bit, "Lots of creeps call random numbers, can't believe you'd pick up a number your phone doesn't recognize!"

"Well, I don't exactly have many prank callers from overseas, Edwards. It still shows the lovely England prefix," he specified, and I felt a little deflated that he had outwitted me, but I was much too excited to know that pretty soon I could be in his arms, so I just jumped right into the reason I had called him.

"Eli? 13 hours," I said, and he quickly responded, "Longest. 13. Hours. Of. My. Life." as I laughed and told him I feel the same way too before saying goodbye.

**Eli's POV**

"Ugh, no. No. No. I already told you on the way here - this is unacceptable, Eli," I heard Alli say as she switched the radio station after sitting in the passenger seat of the Jeep. I just rolled my eyes and let her have her way…I had quickly learned that when it comes to this girl, the path of least resistance is definitely the best way to go.

"Whatever you want, Princess Alli," I said sarcastically and she reached over and hit my shoulder!

"Hey, can we not abuse the driver, please?" I told her with a chuckle.

"Eli – just be grateful I'm letting you pick up Clare at the airport on your own, don't push your luck," she was saying and I stopped the car at a red light and raised my hands in defence. Really, Alli? She was seriously thinking of crashing me and Clare's airport moment?

"All right, all right, jeez," I told her, "Just be careful you don't kill those balloons with those super long nails," I teased her.

"_Manicured _nails, Eli, they're called, I thought you were an English major, aren't you supposed to be good with descriptions - or now that Clare is back is all the blood leaving your brain and heading towards your –" I heard her say and I cut her off immediately – what the hell, why is she thinking of my…!

"Whoa, Alli, please, please, drop the neuroscience major thing for just one second, ugh, gross," I told her, and the smug look on her mischievous face told me she was ecstatic to finally emerge victorious out of one of our little discussions…but if this game had a ref, I'd definitely call foul on the particular tactic she chose to employ.

**Clare's POV**

_Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the captain, welcome to Toronto Pearson International Airport. We hope that you have had a pleasant flight with us and that you choose to fly with British Airways in the future. If you are transferring to a connecting flight, please make your way to one of the monitors in the international plaza in order to locate your gate, and if this is your final destination – welcome home. _

I stuffed everything into my purse, placed my chair in the upright position and stowed my tray table away, and watched the slow but beautiful descent over Toronto. The CN Tower became more and more prominent as the plane lowered its altitude and pretty soon I could identify the specific towers of downtown Toronto – because that's where my university was, I thought to myself, and a smile automatically formed on my lips. _That's where my life is. _

My patience was tested as my seat was towards the very back of the plane and I had to wait for everyone to make their way off, but as soon as I was in the airport, I made my way to the baggage area and I was happy to see that my huge bag – now only bigger as I had picked up some clothes and presents in England – was one of the first ones to come onto the carousel. I immediately supported it onto its wheels, wondering how on Earth could Eli have ever carried it with one hand, and I booked it through the crowds of people lining up at passport check. The electronic display signs above every counter read _Welcome Home_ and I couldn't be any happier to see those words. Just as I had anticipated, I had no trouble at passport check, and from there on, I knew I was home free, so I started walking as fast as I could through the complicated and long passages of the airport, and when I turned a corner and I saw the big sliding doors I knew…I knew Eli was just on the other side of them. After four months of calling, emailing, and Skyping, but never being able to touch him or to see or hear his voice in person, I was now just one minute away from him.

I tried to exhale to make myself a little bit calmer, but I knew it was fruitless – I could tell my face was at its reddest, my hair was a bit messy; I really needed a haircut and had decided to just wait until I returned to Toronto to get one, and my hands were actually shaking, but I just walked through the doors as fast as I could, only to be met with a huge crowd on the other side of them. Clearly there were other flights coming in at the same time as mine, and there were a ton of people – various family members and limousine drivers with name tags of the passengers they were waiting for.

But then I looked to the left, and…there he was. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans, a gray shirt and a leather jacket that must be a new purchase he had made over the last four months, as I had never seen it before. His hands were stuck in the loopholes of his jeans and a huge smirk spread on his face when he saw me, and I noticed he had a bouquet of very pretty red flowers in his hand, and everything hit me at once and I just couldn't take even the few feet of space that existed between us. _Screw it_, I thought, and I dropped my big bag to the side so it was at least out of people's way, and I just ran as I fast as I could over to him, jumping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist as his smirk only got bigger and he stabilized me by placing his hands on my sides. The flowers fell on the ground, but I could care less.

"Oh my God, I missed you so much," I said, running my fingers through his hair as I had missed the feel of that enormously, and I left him to time to respond before I gave him a heated kiss that I had been dying to give him since…well, even before I left Canada. He happily obliged, deepening it rather quickly, and I felt myself involuntarily moan into the kiss, which I knew made my cheeks even redder than they already were.

Eli had to pull away and he set me down as I breathed, "I love you," but he only captured my lips again, and we shared another passionate kiss, and when we pulled away, I hid my face in his shoulder when I saw a few people staring at us. But that only led me to be able to smell his characteristic scent, so I just pulled him in for another kiss that I felt him smirk into.

We both finally caught our breath and Eli got a smug little look on his face as he said, "Now that's what I call an airport kiss," winking before he said, "Nice show, Edwards," but I wasn't that embarrassed.

I intertwined our fingers as Eli walked over to retrieve my flowers and my abandoned bag and I explained, "I get to do that. I've spent four months away from you, Eli, and I don't care if people don't approve of the fact that I need to make up for all the kisses that I missed in this time".

He shook his head in amusement and said, "Well, now, who can argue with that logic? I _love_ airport Clare," and as he picked up my bag he gave me another kiss and I tugged on the fabric of his sleeves, wishing to pull him in as close as possible to me.

All of my kisses were leaving Eli grinning all throughout the airport, and pretty soon we were in the parking lot, and he threw my bag in the back of the Jeep and we got in.

"Hmm, too bad a lot of this drive is just the 401 highway – not a lot of red lights," I said with a wink in his direction.

"Dammit, Edwards, that's it," Eli instantly said, and before I knew what was happening he had picked me up out of the passenger's seat and I was straddling his lap as he was leaving a trail of kisses on my neck and his hands were tracing circles in my back. My hands did some exploring under his shirt, and I pulled away from him so I could move a little lower and plant some kisses on his chest, and pretty soon I heard him let out a bit of a frustrated sigh, as he pulled me away slowly and said, "Okay, if we keep this up, I'm not going to be able to drive," so I just placed a small kiss in the corner of his lips and reached for his hand once I was back in my own seat and I held it for the length of the entire drive. Eli kept teasing me about staring at him, but I just told him to be quiet…I felt like I wanted to memorize every detail of his face…not that I was ever planning on leaving him again, I realized, as I saw the landscape around us change from airplane repair fields to the familiar sights of office buildings and Queen's Street stores.

We got to campus really quickly, and I was happy to hear Eli ask me if I wanted to go to his college for a bit as opposed to mine, because all I wanted to do was just spend time with him. We headed up the stairs of his residence building, and once the door opened, my heart skipped as bit as I heard a loud "SURPRISE!" and I saw that all of our friends were in his apartment, which was decorated like a Canada Day party.

Alli immediately ran over to me and wrapped me in a bone-crushing hug as she said, "Oh, Clare, you're finally back, I've missed you so much! I'm so happy you're back! I hope you like the Canada theme, Eli and I went shopping together – now there's a sentence I thought I'd never say – and we picked everything out," and then Adam was next to give me a hug, followed by many others. Eventually Eli had to tell everyone to give me a little of breathing room, and I was very grateful that he was able to pick up on the fact that I needed that. He lovingly placed a kiss on my forehead as he huskily whispered in my ear, "I'm the only one allowed to wear you out," and his comment caused a deep blush to form on my cheeks.

I spent a little bit of time interacting with everybody, and I was delighted to see that everyone liked their presents – Alli loved her Princess Diana replica necklace, her now official boyfriend Chris loved the official England National Team soccer ball I got him, Adam loved his London t-shirt, Lana liked her Chelsea Football Club cap, and I even got Daniel a Manchester United scarf, knowing how much he loved them. Eli had told me he didn't know about Imogen's little stunt, and I didn't plan on telling him.

I saw she didn't show up here so I asked Daniel to give her the Tower of London little clock I had gotten her…I didn't want to leave her out, but I was glad to see that she knew better than to come to the party Eli and Alli organized for me. I thought we had reached a good balance after that kissing attempt – she helped me with Eli's nightmares, she met Daniel…but then she goes and literally attempts taking her clothes off in my boyfriend's bed! I knew she had issues, and God, I know forgiveness is important and I will grant it to her, but…that doesn't mean I have to talk to her right now. Those negative thoughts running through my mind in the moment were chased away by Eli's warm touch on my lower back as he handed me a glass of my favourite berry juice – and he must have seen his excitement as he chuckled as I explained to him that I had searched long and hard for its English equivalent, but it just didn't seem to exist.

I think people were able to tell that I was getting pretty exhausted, as pretty soon they began leaving, and Alli pointed out to me that it is so nice we won't have to do any after party clean-up, and she let me know that Eli had suggested to her that the party should be in his and Adam's apartment for that very reason. Apparently he knew I would be tired, as Alli told me with a smile. After everyone left, Adam told me he was going over to Lana's for a 'long time,' and I was grateful that he knew that I would want to spend some alone time with Eli.

I walked over to Eli and wrapped my hands around his shoulders as I turned him around to face me and I said, "I'm going to go to my dorm to drop off my bag but then I'll be back, okay? We can finally spend some time together, one on one?" and he flashed me a smirk and said that sounded great.

Once I was back in my dorm, I took a minute to enjoy being back here – the last time that I was standing here was at the end of April, and that seemed like such a long time ago. I brushed my teeth and cleaned my face a bit, trying to shake my giddy excitement and nervousness off as Alli tried to calm me down as she handed me my purse.

**Eli's POV**

I knew that I had spent most of the time since Clare was back grinning like a fool, but I really was on cloud nine. She not only was back, but she wasn't giving me any confusing signals on just how excited she was to see me. I know I'll have to take it easy in the time we're going to spend alone, because I can tell that both of us are almost jumping out of our skin with excitement at finally being reunited…and I can't let things get out of control or I'll hurt her and lose her.

I heard her come in just as I had finished cleaning most of the obvious party mess away, and I loved that as opposed to the madness of the few earlier hours, the kiss we now shared was slow and gentle. It made it seem like we had all the time in the world with each other, and I liked that.

Her blue eyes were shining as she pulled away, and she pulled me towards the couch, and I felt so…complete when her body perfectly snuggled against mine as she softly said, "Thank you for that party, Eli, it was perfect," and I just leaned lower and kissed her forehead in response. She deserved so much more than that, but I thought it would be a nice gesture…even if I did have to endure a one-on-one shopping trip with hurricane Alli.

She intertwined our fingers as she pulled out a couple of photo albums from her bag and said, "I know you already know basically what I did every day that I was in England for, but do you want to see pictures?" and I immediately answered, "I'd love to," and Clare grinned up at me as she scrambled onto my lap and began giving me a narrative of all her photos. They were beautiful and interesting and told the story of her entire trip…and this is all I ever wanted…to feel included, like a part of her trip even if I couldn't go. I just listened and asked some questions in between twirling her curls between my fingers and placing kisses in them as well as a few odd kisses along the back of her neck. I wasn't mad about the whole secrecy thing anymore – I understood. Just as if Clare was reading my mind in that particular moment, after she showed me the last photo and closed the album. I heard her nervously say,

"Eli…do we need to talk, see where we are now like you said at the airport before I left?"

"I don't think so, Clare. I am sorry I didn't understand sooner, you were right, I know how hard secrets are to deal with and how they soon grow exponentially into these huge monsters," and I leaned in to kiss her, but just as I was about to touch her lips I whispered, "Unless…something happened in England that I should know about?" and I held my breath.

Clare moved even closer, keeping bare millimetres between our lips as she said, "I just told you everything that happened in England, silly, and it was just that and a whole lot of missing you and wishing I could do this –" she whispered, softly moving her lisps against my own before I took control and deepened the kiss. I never wanted her to leave, so I was happy when she didn't seem to be in any rush. She moved out of my lap and lied sideways across the couch, resting her head in my lap and grinning up at me as he reached up and played with my hair.

All of a sudden she started giggling, soon enough bursting into wild laughter as she barely got out, "Y-you know, Eli, that British dinner thing you did…it's actually kind of hilarious in retrospect," and I couldn't help but join in her laughter when I remembered how clever I thought I was being.

"Well, I _am_ an evil genius," I smugly said, and Clare flashed me smirk of her own before silencing me with a kiss. A few seconds later, she softly said, "So, I gave everyone their presents but you – yours is in my bag, I wanted to do it when we were alone," and she moved off the couch and pulled out a nicely wrapped present and held it out to me.

"Clare, the only present I needed was just you safely back, and I'm over the moon I got that, so you didn't have to do this – but thank you," I honestly told her.

She just shook her head as she giggled, "I know, but I _wanted_ to – now just open it and tell me if you like it!"

I did as she asked and I found myself holding a beautiful edition of _Romeo and Juliet, _sealed with the official Globe Theatre stamp and certificate of authenticity, and…this was the perfect present. I was holding something in my hands that signified the beginning of our relationship, and I think Clare was able to tell that I got really emotional as I said, "Best present ever, Clare. Thank you so much," and I have her a gentle kiss. She then held out another wrapped present out to me with a giggle as she said, "But that's not all! One more, just for you!" and I unwrapped this one to find a really nice black and grey T-shirt that said, _The Beatles – Liverpool, England _on it.

I told Clare, "I love it! I love the colors, I love that's from Liverpool – you sneaky little devil, not telling me about the fact that you obviously went to The Cavern when you were telling me all about your daytrip to Liverpool –"and I saw her grin mischievously, and I was really surprised when Clare asked, "Can I help you put it on, see if it fits?". I just smirked and nodded at her as she slowly slipped my leather jacket off and then in one swift movement she slipped my T-shirt over my head, and she placed her hand above my heart as her blue eyes clouded with worry and she said, "Eli, how are we doing on the nightmare situation?"

I didn't want to break her heart and tell her that they were bad – really bad, so I just said, "I think they'll get a lot better, don't you worry", because that is what I honestly believed. Clare placed a few kisses in the area of my heart, and I pulled away when I felt myself shiver, not wanting to scare her off. She slipped my new Beatles shirt over my head and it fit perfectly and she kept her hands slipped under it, exploring my chest and slowly driving me nuts. I flipped her over gently so now she was the one laying across the the couch, a motion which caused her to be overtaken by surprise just like I thought it would, and I slowly lifted her shirt up so I could place a series of kisses on her stomach and ribcage, but I didn't take it any higher. I pulled her shirt back down and chose to focus on her neck instead, and she began rewarding me with those intriguing little moans of hers as her chest began rising and falling a little more erratically.

"Oh, E-Eli…" I heard her sigh, and I took this as a clue that she was overwhelmed, so I pulled away, but she just interlocked her hands behind my neck, playing with my hair as I stared at her in a daze. Yesterday and today felt like two separate worlds, and I knew right here and right now that I wanted her in my world forever.

She calmed her breath down a little and told me, "Eli, I want to…stay a little longer, but I really want to take a shower, I'm all gross from the plane. Would that be okay?" she shyly asked, and I assured her that of course it would be fine, and she took her purse into the bathroom with her, and I noticed she was pulling out her shampoo just as I gave her an extra towel. She told me she had a change of clothes in her purse, or bag, or whatever girls call those medium sized things, so I gave her her privacy and went back out to the living room where I finished cleaning everything up. I just took a seat on the couch and turned the TV on as I waited for Clare, and I was watching it only for a few minutes, when I heard her come back out into the living room and…I reached for the remote right away and turned it off as I gulped at the sight of her.

She had a shy little smile on her face and her cheeks were really red…and she was wearing just a silky black robe that had a plunging neckline and that only came up to halfway along her thighs. It was tied around her waist with a thin blue strap of silk, and as she came over and straddled my waist, the black silk fell off her shoulder and revealed a lacy black bra strap. I may have been intimate with Julia, but the moment in which I saw that little piece of fabric fall and Clare's gaze met mine and her eyes reflected perfect calm and trust as I felt the smooth fabric against my arms was the most erotic moment of my life. I could see both her cross necklace and her angel necklace nestled in between the tips of her delicate collarbones, and I moved the gold pendant aside so I could place a kiss in that spot, because I knew…I couldn't hold out like this for long, and as amazing as this was…it might lead to her only being uncomfortable, so I was a little worried, when all I wanted to do was enjoy being with her like this.

"Clare, you're so beautiful," I whispered right before she leaned in to kiss me, and I traced circles along her back, feeling the smooth silk fabric move in little ripples following the patterns of my touch. As she pulled away and slipped her hands under my shirt, I told her, "This is so amazing, I love that you trust me like this," and she grinned up at me in response.

"I…_completely _trust you, Eli," she softly said, "And I just wanted…to be a little bit more intimate with you," she continued, and she nodded when I raised an eyebrow in her direction after placing my hand on the shoulder that was still covered by the delicate material of the robe.

"A-are you sure, I won't take the whole thing off," I assured her, but she just silenced me with a kiss and placed her hand on mine as she led it to slip down past her shoulder and her entire upper body was exposed to me, and she was indeed wearing a delicate black lacy bra, and I saw her bite her lower lip as she took in my somewhat nervous look….I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable - this whole thing was a huge sign of trust on her part. I gently and slowly traced the curves of her body with my hands, and the little contended sighs that escaped her lips encouraged me, and the way in which she was arching her back into me was starting to drive me crazy. I placed a series of kisses all over her exposed skin as I gently laid her down on the couch, and I saw the blood rush to each area that I kissed as I did so.

I would glance up at Clare often, but her eyes were half closed as she lovingly tangled her hands in my hair and continued her contended sighs as both of our breathing increased. She gently flipped us over and took off my shirt slowly and began leaving a trail of kisses everywhere on my body, many of which I knew would leave a mark, and when she made her way back up she ended by kissing my piercing. I restored us back to our original position because I knew I couldn't handle this for much longer, especially by the way Clare would roll her body onto mine every so often, sending waves of pleasure throughout my entire body. I gave her a long and gentle kiss and I expected her to give me some kind of signal that it was time to stop, but instead she reached for my right hand and I felt like my heart was about to stop in the moment in which she placed it on top of the strap that kept her robe around her waist, and she shyly bit her lip before she whispered, "I want you to, you can take it off, but Eli, we can't go too far…" she said, letting out an involuntary moan as my fingertips grazed her chest, and I gently assured her, "We have a vow to keep, don't you think I will just forget. Wedding night, I know," and I took a deep breath as I said, "This has been amazing enough tonight, Clare".

She ran her fingers up and down my spine as she shivered a bit and breathed, "Thank you…but…it's okay, I want to, I want you to," she repeated and moved both of my hands to the waistline of her robe, and her confidence told me she really was okay with it, so I slowly undid the bow as the two sides of the robe fell apart and I gently ghosted my fingertips across the edge of her matching lace panties, barely being able to draw enough oxygen in my lungs as I almost couldn't believe that this was really happening. She was so gorgeous, and she trusted me like this; I knew I was the first guy to see and touch her like this, and that meant the world to me. I don't ever want anyone else to see her like this, touch her like this, hear the way she sounds…I want to be the first and last.

I gently caressed every part of her body as we alternated fierce kisses with gentle ones, and I heard a low moan escape Clare when my hands adventured lower than they had ever been on her body. My own breathing was a mess between our kisses and trying to keep myself together, but…she was too much. She was too beautiful and too incredible and she had completely opened herself up to me in such a new amazing way within hours of returning…and I was a mess. I could feel her kissing my neck and jawline and as she grinded her body into mine, I knew she could feel my body's obvious reaction so I gently kissed her while placing some distance in between us, and whispered, "Dammit, I'm sorry, I can't…" not wanting her to feel uncomfortable.

I felt her run her fingers through my hair as she whispered, "It's okay, Eli. I love you," and she returned her hand to her thigh and guided it a little higher. My eyes widened as I realized…did she want me to…do that? I gladly would, but…I needed to make sure that's indeed what she wanted. I pulled away just so I could meet her gaze and as I was kissing her piercing I asked, "Are you sure? That would be okay?" and she sighed, "Yes, but don't…don't take them off, all right?" and I gave her a gentle kiss as I assured her I wouldn't. She hung on to me firmly and the now slightly louder moans that escaped her mouth guided the movements of my fingers as she sighed my name euphorically. Her grip on me soon became a lot tighter as I felt her body tremble on top of mine and I hung onto her, whispering, "I'm right here, Clare," in her ear as she became completely overwhelmed and softly exclaimed my name. If it wasn't for the look of pure trust that accompanied her completely flushed face, I would have thought this was a dream, but I continued to hang onto her as she gently collapsed against me, both of us breathing deeply. A few minutes later, she moved to draw her robe around her, and I helped her, placing one last kiss next to the angel hanging from her neck before I tied the strap back up.

"E-Eli," I heard her shakily say, "Oh, that…that was…it was amazing. I love you," and I felt her moving, thinking she should reciprocate, but I knew that would be too much for this moment – she was already so flustered, I could tell her mind was just completely reeling from what had just happened, and this was already so much more than I had expected it to be, so I just gently grabbed her hand and intertwined it with my own as I softly said, "No, it's okay, Clare, not now, another time". I saw the slight look of guilt that crossed her face so I gave her a gentle kiss and told her, "This _has _been amazing," and I felt my own face flaming as I told her, "I…um…I need to go to the washroom, I'll be back," and I pulled up a blanket over her before I left, feeling a little guilty about leaving her alone. I returned quickly, however, and as embarrassing and obvious as my trip might have been, there really was no way around it, and Clare just grinned at me when she saw me return.

I placed my arm around her and gave her a squeeze after she helped me put my Beatles shirt on. I wanted to gage where she was at…a lot had happened for her in the last few hours, a flight, a party, and…a new boundary.

"Clare, are you okay? Feeling all right…a lot happened there," I shyly asked her, and she just got closer to me and gently kissed my cheek as she said, "I am better than all right, Eli, I am great. It was a perfect first," she said, a slight blush forming on the apple of her cheeks as she continued, "And I wanted it, and it was amazing, and you are amazing," she said, and I exhaled, so grateful that she knew exactly how to reassure me. I knew it might sound ridiculous to an outsider, but I knew my girl and I just…wanted to make sure.

"You know, I love these longer curls," I pointed out to her as I slowly ran my fingers through them. I had noticed their different length ever since the airport, but I was only catching a breather now.

Clare gave me a cute little frown and said, "Don't get too used to them, I really need to get a haircut. I like my hair shorter," and I placed a kiss on her forehead as I said, "You're so strikingly gorgeous with both short curls and longer curls, Clare".

I poured her another glass of that berry juice she liked so much because I meant to give her a second one at the party, but Adam had called me over to pick up some broken glass and I forgot after that. Her eyes lit up when she saw me bringing it to her, and I smirked, knowing my instinct that she'd like another one had been correct.

"You know…that's one sexy robe," I whispered playfully in her ear after she scrambled in my lap and both of us were fully calmed down, and she nudged my shoulder as she said, "Eli!" and I couldn't help but chuckle at how a slight comment like that still had the power to leave her fully flustered.

I felt her snuggle her body deeper into mine as she said, "Eli?"

"Yes?"' I encouraged her.

"I'm home now," she softly whispered as she intertwined the fingers of both of our hands and I placed a kiss in her curls as I responded, "I know. And I love that. So much," and we spent the next few hours cuddled in front of the TV before Clare changed and I walked her back to Annesley. Because now she was thirty feet away, not three thousand miles away.

**I would love it if you let me know what you think of the chapter in a review!**


	32. The Luxury of Knowing

**Hi lovely readers! So I started a new story as well – it's called They Didn't Have To Be – so if you are interested, check it out! I was so pleased to see some of you already reviewing it!**

**I would like to thank my last reviewers, all of your thoughts mean so much to me: my rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel, Sophia, Michelle-Chambers1, risaisbrilbril, xeneti, EpicNinjaChica, MelissaIsLame, musiksnob, MaddieLovesEclare, ilovetaylorswift13, iloveeliandclare, deena, ToDecember (haha loved your O'Hare story, I hate that airport!), EmandEms, Cool Person (your last review was so sweet, friend!, MartinaAxi, CheapNovelty, eligoldsworthy-is-life10, crazfilipina, samcabral, meandthatperson, Julsgracie, Gaby1331, imoddsandends, ginbug14, TJ Binx, Eclare070897, skygoldsworthy, ToDecember, Ambiguous21, Lizbit, Ohmyappplepie (GREAT idea…but it's too bad I got it after I already wrote what was going to happen), The Moofinator and xxtechno3loverxx. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any other real word references that I happen to make!**

**Let's see what goes down next!**

**Clare's POV**

I was just finishing packing everything that I wanted to bring home with me for Christmas break when I heard a knock on my door and I quickly went to answer it, being immediately met with a gentle kiss on the other side. I felt Eli place his hand on my lower back as we walked through the apartment, and he once again asked me if I was all right, which was very sweet of him, but I knew it meant that he was still a little worried if I thought we had rushed into anything last night. I understood why he felt this way – I really just got back yesterday, but he had no reason to worry. He had been so gentle and he had looked after me so well, that all I could do was give him a soft kiss and as I pulled away I told him,

"Eli…stop worrying about it, it was perfect," and he flashed me a smirk in response that let me know he was sufficiently reassured. Even his chaste touch on my lower back felt a little more intimate now, and I did not regret taking just the next step with him, because…it was so nice to know that he would never push me all the way that I felt free to make little progressions slowly in this physical aspect of our relationship.

"Oh, Eli, yay, you're here!" I heard Alli exclaim as she walked over to him, carrying the large bag that she had just packed and quickly pushing it into his arms.

"Jeez Alli, you do understand it's only Christmas break and not the end of the year, right – we're not supposed to take _everything we own _back home for two weeks!" Eli playfully shot at her as he stabilized the bag and rolled his eyes at me.

"And _you_ do understand _you're late_, right?" Alli accused him.

"What! I am no such thing," Eli insisted, holding out his watch to her.

"Whatever, Eli, let's just go!" Alli said, shoving him half way out the door. I was convinced these two enjoyed these little bickering sessions of theirs much more so than pleasant conversation – Eli always had the most amused smug look on his face in his interactions with Alli, and despite how mad she always pretended to be, Alli would always intersperse her little comments with uncontrolled giggles.

"Hey, where's Sav, Alli?" Eli curiously asked as we finished loading the Jeep and got into our seats. Eli and Sav had recaptured the friendship they had started at Degrassi recently, and I knew a lot of Eli's secret weapons in his little battles with Alli would sometimes be the result of 'classified information,' as Eli referred to it, that Sav had passed onto him.

"Oh, he had to leave early so he could drive his _girlfriend_ to the airport – he's already been home for a day now," Alli said in a mocking tone, despite the fact that I knew that she was rather fond of the Vancouver girl.

"Cool," Eli said as he nodded in response and I leaned in to give him a kiss, whispering, "Think they had an airport moment?" and a little to my surprise a light blush formed on Eli's cheeks as he responded, "Even if they did, I bet you it wasn't as epic as ours," and sure enough, we could hear Alli groaning in the background within seconds.

She quickly said, "Eli, remember what I was telling you last time we were in here about your…lack of focus and…particular blood flow when Clare is around? Let's go, start driving, I want to be home already!" and her sentence only left me more confused as Eli shot her a serious annoyed look and she only giggled in response. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the conversations that these two had had in my absence, so I just focused on finding a middle ground of music that would satisfy everyone, but that was a bit of a pointless task.

"Just let _Princess Alli _have her way," Eli playfully said, elongating his favourite nickname for Alli as I saw her reach over and hit his arm.

"Hey, Clare, don't you agree that hitting the driver is _dangerous? _She's always doing that," Eli playfully whined in a tone all too similar to an upset Scotty, so I just shook my head at Alli and she sat back in her seat, defeated, yet with a wide grin on her face.

"Dead Hand all the way long on the return trip, girls," Eli announced, and I heard Alli groan once again.

However, all of us settled down pretty soon and I tried to control my blushes at the way Eli would widen his eyes at me every time he hit a red light – I just mouthed 'after,' to him, which I knew made him get to Alli's house as fast as he could, and he even carried her bag in for her. I saw Sav walk him out and they were laughing about something before they bumped fists and Sav gave me a small wave.

"Finally," Eli breathed as he got into the passenger's seat and gave me a deep kiss that I felt my entire body melt into.

"Don't get too excited, we're technically just a few minutes away from my house," I reminded him.

"I know, I know," he confirmed, but I made sure to play the red-light game with him all the way there, as we only really had had one day in between the time I got back from England and returning home for break.

Eli also brought my bag in when we got to my house, and I was surprised to see my mom give him a quick hug - it was the first time she had ever done this. I could tell Eli was a little taken aback as well, and the smallest of blushes formed on his cheeks, much to my amusement. I had told my mom about Eli's reaction to my exchange, and she had told me something that I didn't really expect her to – that the reason she hadn't made sure I told him earlier was so she could 'test him'.

When I asked her what on earth she meant by that, she explained to me that before getting really serious with a guy, it's apparently important to push them a little to see how they react when they are upset. I froze a little when she had first said that – because Eli and I had definitely been through that before, and I was pretty sure crashing your hearse was a pretty sure 'fail' grade. My mom must have been able to pick up on my nervousness though, as she quickly added that that time did not count, because Eli was sick. She said that the exchange did count, and that Eli had passed the test with flying colours in the way that he kept in touch with me, asked that favour of Mathew, and was ultimately able to forgive something that I still felt very much guilty for. My mom also apparently judged that Eli was smart…by the little British dinner that he did, which she found rather amusing as well in retrospect. I understood what she had meant about her entire testing concept, but I had felt like I had put Eli through enough already, and I never wanted to spring another little 'test' on him ever again.

I heard my mom and Eli talk about his semester and she invited him to stay for dinner, but he politely replied,

"Thank you, but I should just let you catch up with Clare, she must have so much to tell you about England, and my own parents are expecting me soon," and my mom nodded in confirmation.

I quickly heard her add, "No problem, Eli. But…I was thinking," she started, making me shoot her an inquiring glance, "Would you like to come to church with sometime soon?" and I immediately cast her a dark glare. Why was she doing this? Eli didn't need this, and she knew it.

I jumped into the conversation at once, saying, "Mom, Eli doesn't need to go to church with us, we can all do something after church maybe," mad that she sprung this on him in this manner without even talking to me first.

I looked at Eli and noticed that he didn't appear too shocked or outraged though, and he said, "No, I'll come, I'd love to. Thank you for inviting me," and his comment completely surprised me. Eli…at Sunday service? Now, this I'd have to see.

"See, Clare, he _wants to come_," my mom cheekily said to me, and they proceeded to say their goodbyes. I walked Eli to the Jeep and reasserted, "You don't have to do this".

"Clare, it's not a big deal – and besides, I've always kind of wanted to know what goes on in those mysterious buildings," he replied, grinning and widening his eyes madly as I was overcome by laughter.

"Oh you know, I think Sundays are just your usual exorcisms and baby sacrifices," I joked, and Eli flashed me a horrified look.

"I was kidding!" I quickly said in alarm, but as his expression soon turned to a smirk I knew that I was the one to fall for his trap instead, so I gave him a little shove as he got into the driver's seat. I kept the door open and he turned sideways in the seat in order to face me and I felt him wrap his arms around my waist as he gave me a squeeze at the same time that I kissed his forehead, afterwards remaining in his arms and pressed up right against him as I took in his scent.

"I'll miss you," I whispered.

"Well, at least you're not three thousand miles away anymore," he softly said as I ran my fingers through his hair.

"Eli - I want to show you England, you need to see it, you'd love it," I blurted out, and Eli smirked at me as he said, "All right then. We'll go there together someday, okay, and you can be my tour guide," and I couldn't help but quickly confirm, "I really want to," and I gave him one last kiss before I watched him drive away.

**Cece's POV**

"Baby girl!" I exclaimed, a little surprised to see her on my doorstep; it was a little late. I quickly gave her a hug though – I hadn't seen her since before she went to England and I had missed her. I was absolutely thrilled her and Eli were able to work things out and not let her trip come between them. They really had been through so much worse and still found their way back to each other, that to let such a stereotypical college problem be the final nail in the coffin just seemed like such a shame, so I was ecstatic to see that it didn't happen.

"Hi Cece," she said, in that timid and adorable little way of hers that I knew had completely charmed my son, "I hope it's okay that I'm here so late, my mom dropped me off," she explained, making me wonder what she was up to.

"Clare, you know you're always welcome here," I assured her, but I did have to say, "I'm afraid Eli might be asleep though, he went up to his room a while ago, but I'm not sure, and I do know he'll wake up once he knows you're here," I let her know, but she jumped up at once.

"No! Don't wake him up," and I knew she had helped him work through his nightmares the first time around….but did she know that ever since she had left for England they have returned? And that they have gotten so much worse? I had a feeling Eli probably didn't tell her, because I knew he didn't want her to feel responsible for 'fixing him' as he insisted on terming it.

Clare blushed at once, another of her incredibly striking features that I knew made Eli lose his cool demeanour at times – he really was so love struck around her sometimes, as his father would make sure to embarrass him about constantly – and as I invited her in, she continued, "I…kind of wanted to work on his nightmares. I have a feeling they are getting worse, since I left, but he won't tell me," Clare said, and her intelligence really shouldn't have surprised me – I should know better by now.

I replied, "You know, Clare, he doesn't tell me about much them either, but I think you're right," and I saw her face fall.

"Hi, Clarabelle," I heard my husband say as we entered the living room – he was watching TV in there, and he quickly added, "I'll go tell Eli you're here," but she quickly said, "Wait, not yet," and she sat down in between the two of us.

I saw her lay her hands in her lap as she got the most adorable determined look on her face as she said, "His nightmares…they're really bad," and Bullfrog just slowly nodded and said, "I know. We know."

Clare shook her head, highlighting her mass of curls as she continued, "They need to end, for once and for all," and I softly suggested to her,

"Dr. Sadler said…they might not, sweetheart," not wanting her to get her hopes up.

I saw her stubbornly shake her head, though, as she continued, "But they did! I got them to! Then I screwed it up again…You see, Eli's nightmares have this theme…" she said, her face getting redder and redder with each word as she added, "He's afraid that I'm just going to walk away from him – I know that's what he dreams of – and I don't want to do that, and I think he knows it because I've said it so many times, but…I think on some level he's still scared of it".

My husband spoke up, "Clarabelle, it's all right, he'll be all right," noting her distress as he gave her shoulder a small squeeze.

Clare replied, "I know that, but…I can't imagine how Eli can make it through a day even, having seen how horrible these nightmares are. His schedule at school is so packed that it's already exhausting enough without this problem! I have two weeks – I don't have school or homework or anything like that – and I want to make them end in these two weeks. So I was hoping you would be okay with me coming over at around this time every day for as long as it takes – I talked to my mom about it and she's okay with it," she specified, awkwardly adding, "she um…trusts us".

So…she wanted to lock herself up with Eli in his room at night…um…did her mother know _that? _As much as I knew they both respected her vow, I couldn't help but feel a little strange about all of this. What if they got carried away, something that could easily happen, and due to this whole vow business I knew the two of them hadn't even discussed birth control – a thing like that could change both of their entire lives…

There was also one other thing that I needed to tell her, so I gently said, "Clare…I think Eli would not feel good about himself if you spent the night with him…and it was about these nightmares. I think…it might make the whole thing feel worse…he probably wants you staying over to be a special thing, not…like this," I tried to explain.

She quickly widened her eyes as she said, "I don't mean sleep over in his bed! That would be…too much," and I was relieved to hear her say that. "I just meant…stay with him until he falls asleep."

I saw my husband nod at me as I did the same in reply and he said, "Of course, Clarabelle. And…tell Eli I'll drive you home, it'll never work if he doesn't know that you have a safe ride home," he suggested, stealing the words right out of my mouth.

Clare's face immediately broke into a beaming smile as she hugged Bullfrog first and then me, whispering "Thank you," in each of our ears. She then pulled out two pretty packages from her bag as she said,

"I got you some small presents in England," and I couldn't believe her thoughtfulness so I gave her another hug. I was impressed to see that she had picked up a very cool _The Clash _shirt for my husband that he absolutely adored, and he told Clare that he couldn't wait to wear it at work and make everyone jealous when he'd mention that it was the real deal, all the way from England. I saw Clare's eyes light up when he said that and then I began opening my present at her excited instructions. I had no idea how she knew of my little obsession with the Royal Family, but she picked me up a very pretty pair of earrings that I recognized as a replica of these really nice ones that Princess Diana wore.

I couldn't help but gasp when I opened the box, telling her, "How did you know I love Princess Diana so much, Clare?" and she just giggled as she said, "I didn't, but I was at the Tower of London souvenir shop, and…I don't know, they just reminded me of you".

"Well, they are beautiful, and I absolutely am in love with them, thank you so much baby girl," I said, putting them on right away with her help.

She stayed downstairs a little longer as I made her some hot chocolate and offered her some cookies and she told us more about her trip. The fact that Eli hadn't come down told me that he didn't hear her voice, so he must have been asleep indeed, and Clare quickly headed to his room after finishing her conversation with us. I knew she was very familiar with Eli's nightmares, so I knew she wouldn't be scared, and I prayed that she would indeed be able to help him, because I had known for a long time that his nightmares had recently changed focus, to the way she had acted with that Jake boy…his name haunted Eli every night, and I knew that the boy had been long gone out of Clare's life, but he was still a constant presence in my son's nightmares.

**Clare's POV**

I was glad Cece and Bullfrog had been so understanding about my little plan, and I said another silent prayer to God that I could pull Eli through this; this whole thing was my fault in the first place. I knew Eli would have had nightmares from his car crash and that was not directly my fault, I guess, but the strange way in which they had morphed lately was definitely my fault. Jake and that whole beach thing he seems to see is _definitely _myfault.

I slowly opened the door to his room and I noticed he had already unpacked the suitcase that he had brought home as it was put away neatly between his desk and the wall, and as the zipper was slightly open I saw that it was now empty. His laptop was off but lying open on his desk so I knew he was probably working on wrapping up a grant that he had to finish soon, a thought which made me fondly remember last summer and how I really enjoyed working for Big Brothers – I was kind of hoping Barb would extend an invitation to me to return next summer, but I guess I will just have to wait and see. I glanced over at Eli sleeping in his bed and my heart swelled at seeing that he looked exhausted, and his lips were slightly parted as he was all cuddled up with his blanket on one side of the bed, making it really easy for me to crawl onto the empty space in his bed and snuggle into his side. I felt him stir and his eyes fluttered open right away as his lips spread into a smirk and he muttered, "Mmm, now _this _is more like it; _this_ is a dream I can get used to," and I tried to hold back my giggles.

I knew the sleep he suffered with made him all dazed and confused for a few minutes whenever he would wake up, and he obviously thought he was dreaming right now; the huge grin on his face told me he was pretty excited for where he thought this dream was going; but sadly I guess he would figure out it wasn't a dream soon enough.

I didn't say anything, but I felt a smile come onto my face at how giddy he was, and he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him, huskily saying, "This is going to be the best dream e_ver,_" and I felt his hands rub my back lovingly as he gave me a slow kiss, his eyes opening a little wider as he said, "Damn…it feels _so_ real," and I was impressed that even when he is dreaming, Eli was still just as patient and careful with me as in real life. Then I heard him mutter, "Wedding night dream…mmhmm, I sure could get used to this," and I couldn't believe that he had internalized the belief that we wouldn't be doing _that _unless we got married and it was our wedding night so well that it had literally seeped into his unconscious. It was...so touching and so amusing at the same time.

He gently towered over me as he gave me another kiss, and as he pulled away and snuggled into my side he whispered, "I sure could get used to this…dreaming of the best day and night of my life…even if she doesn't really want to marry me…she never talks about her plans with me…I'm too…unpredictable…" and I felt my heart drop.

Eli was still so….insecure about us. How could I show him that I wouldn't break his heart again? I then saw his eyes close and he squeezed them tightly as he muttered, "I don't know how to make her see," and I could tell that tears were forming in the corners of his eyes. Make me see what? He flipped over a few times, his eyes still tightly shut and I had a hard time making out what he was saying next…he was muttering…"I don't want her to be afraid of me….how much longer will she….stay…what about…when she meets…him," and my heart was slowly breaking. Eli was still suffering so much. I felt like we had suffered a huge set back here, and we needed to get over it. Eli…was really serious about intending to marry me – but he was terrified of telling me in fear of coming off as clingy or…_suffocating. _This realization brought tears to my eyes.

His back was now turned to me as he lay on his side, whimpering and jolting every so often as he said, "Why…did she…like him…erase me with a dance…she's leaving…any day now…she might change her mind…she's gonna change her mind," and I heard him softly crying. I knew this had to end soon, so I just wrapped his body in a hug from behind and whispered, "Eli, you're dreaming, wake up," softly, but when that didn't do it, I raised my voice a little as I said, "Wake up, Eli, wake up," and I intertwined our hands and raised my body a little so I could place a kiss on his temple.

I felt him stretch out his fingers and he quickly turned around and opened his eyes widely as he said, "C-Clare? For real? What are you doing here?" and the blush on his cheeks and his stuttering tone told me he was embarrassed I had been here all along.

"No reason, I just…missed you," I honestly told him. "Wanted to stay with you for a bit," I added, as I rested my head on his chest and encouraged him to put his arm around me as I adjusted his blanket a little, a motion which kind of did make me feel like we were spending the night together, no matter how innocent everything was. I wasn't scared, but I was a little unnerved…I didn't want to push things so far that when it did become okay for us to be together in this way, it wouldn't feel special anymore. That was part of the reason I had never asked Eli to take my bra or underwear off, and he had never pushed to…I think he understood, and something told me he wanted everything to be special when it did come to that as well….even if we both knew it was a long time off. I was only in second year, Eli was only in third, and I knew for a fact we both didn't plan on getting married young…it just wasn't what we wanted.

I felt Eli exhale deeply as he said, "You don't have to do this. I can manage".

I pushed his bangs back so I could see his eyes perfectly and I slowly told him, "I w_ant to_ just be with my boyfriend for a bit. Is that such a crime?" and he just smirked in return.

I continued, "Eli –" but he immediately interrupted.

"I know. I'm sorry," he softly said.

"You know what?" I gently asked him, wondering what assumption he was making.

"I know that it's stupid I still think of him," he admitted.

I added, "I don't think it's…him so much that is our problem, it's more like…what he represents," and Eli just sadly nodded in response.

I continued, "I know what I did was horrible, but it was a long time ago, Eli, and I'm not going to do it again," repeating things I had all said before.

Eli began twirling one of my curls as he said, "I know, Clare. I love you," and I immediately answered him, "And I love _you_. So much," and I placed a kiss in the corner of his lips. I noticed he had both of the framed pictures I gave him by his bedside, and I praised him for bringing them with him from his dorm room.

"Of course," Eli quickly said, as I slipped my hand under the T-shirt he was wearing to bed as I heard him slightly gasp.

"Sorry, cold hand," I immediately apologized, but he just kissed my temple in return as he said, "Don't worry, I love it," and my hand came to a rest above his heart.

I whispered to him, "I don't want you to have any more nightmares," desperation flooding my voice.

Eli must have picked up on it as he countered, "I won't," but I knew he was just saying that to make me feel better. He had no control over this.

I cheekily added, "Maybe from now on…you can just finish _our wedding night dream_," and his eyes widened when he heard me say that.

"Dammit Edwards, you heard that?" and his face turned bright red as he muttered, "Sorry".

"You don't have to be sorry, Eli, it's all right," I reassured him, and I knew my own face was turning red.

"_That's why_ that kiss felt so damn real," he said with a hilarious head bang as I leaned in and rewarded him with a longer, deeper kiss that I wanted him to know was indeed very real.

Eli had a huge smirk on his face as I pulled away and I rested my head on his chest as I intertwined our hands together. He was playing with my curls for a long time, and I knew it was because neither of us wanted me to go.

Eli started gently massaging my back, which felt so good, and after a long while of him doing that, I heard him gently say, "I should take you home, your mom wouldn't like it if you were out any later".

"Your dad is going to drop me off, don't worry – I want to be with you until you fall asleep," I told him, and after a few more reassuring remarks, Eli eventually gave in, asserting that, "It's all right if Bullfrog drives you then," the exhaustion in his voice evident, but I knew he had agreed because I gave him a little pout, a secret weapon of mine, as I told him I really wanted to do this, and Eli was never quite capable to resist those.

"I'll stay with you, okay, Eli?" I told him as I raised the covers higher over both of our bodies and his eyes got a really vulnerable, but immensely grateful look as he said, "Okay. Thank you Clare".

I reversed our position so his head was now resting on my chest and I began running my fingers through his hair, and I saw him close his eyes at the sensation, something which he always did and which I quite adored. As I felt him just about to drift off, I leaned closer to his ear and I whispered, "I'm not going anywhere," remembering how perfectly comforting those words were when I heard them.

I felt Eli squeeze our intertwined hearts in response, and it wasn't long after that that he fell asleep, and I almost did as well. I slowly slipped out of his embrace and it broke my heart to leave him alone, so I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, not wanting to wake him up, and…as I was kneeling beside his bead…_Why not_, I thought – so I said a little prayer asking God to watch over Eli in his sleep tonight. Because he deserved it. He deserved so much more.

**Eli's POV**

"It went well, thank goodness. How was yours?" I asked my girl as we were leaving the Buchanan building together and we were heading to grab a cup of coffee and…brownies? She'd probably like a brownie.

"Mine was good too," she confirmed. "Got that essay topic about the femme fatale, just like you predicted," she said. I knew it would happen, it was the obvious common theme between all the novels on her reading list.

"Of course you did," I smugly said. "Did you write on that one?" I inquired.

"Sure did," she said, before grinning up at me and giving me a sweet kiss.

"Ugh, keep the PDA down you two – there's a c_hildren's field trip_ over there," I heard Daniel say with a laugh as Clare blushed about ten different shades of red when she pulled away from me and looked over at the children lining up in partners at the teacher's request.

"Dude – are you stalking us?" I playfully asked him.

"You wish, I'm just trying to grab a cup of coffee – I didn't ask to be subjected to this!" Daniel said with a laugh as he gave Clare a small hug – to apologize I guess, but I could tell she was still totally embarrassed.

Daniel must have noticed this as well as he immediately said, "Sorry, Clare".

"No, it's okay, Daniel," she shyly said, as her face regained its normal colour.

I noticed Daniel's expression change all of a sudden though; he looked very concerned as he said, "Actually, I was kind of hoping I could talk to you both soon".

"Is everything all right?" Clare asked, sympathy lacing her voice.

"I'm worried about Imogen, and I was hoping you guys could help me; you're both such good friends to her," Daniel said, and instantly I didn't like where this was going. I hated that he didn't know about her little proposal to me that night, but I knew it would mean the end of their relationship, and they both really did love each other, so I just thought it wasn't worth it. But it looks like Daniel is only catching up to her problems now…or maybe they have gotten worse? Whenever I'd meet her for chapter business, we would do our work pleasantly and we were able to put what happened behind us, or at least as much as possible…I still found the entire thing a little disturbing.

I knew Clare was not a fan of her anymore – and for good reasons – but she was so kind and patient that it didn't shock me to hear that her answer was, "Of course. Coffee?" she asked Daniel, and he gratefully nodded.

Once we had gotten our drinks and my instincts about Clare wanting a brownie were proven correct, we sat down at a table in the corner of Bulldog Coffee and asked Daniel what was wrong.

"Well, it's not like anything happened, but…I've actually been worried about her for a while. It's like…she has these walls that she puts up around me sometimes," he said, and I kind of froze a little at the familiar visual…one of Dr. Sadler's favourites.

I saw Clare give Daniel a warm look as she said, "It's okay Daniel, let's figure out how to help her, okay?"

Daniel gave us a smile and continued, "I know…it's her parents. Her parents have just made her, ugh," he said, slamming his fists on the table and I reached for Clare's hand and gave it a squeeze to make sure she wasn't scared, as Daniel added, "they've made her feel so worthless, and so…she has this thing where she never wants to be perceived as ordinary, I think, so she feels the need to go to crazy extremes…and it…scares me. That she's so…unpredictable," he finished, but I couldn't meet his gaze. I was frozen at the description he had given of her, and I hated that Clare was right here; I was making her relive all of this again, I was pulling her in again to a place full of –

"You need to be with her," I heard Clare blurt out, and she eagerly continued, "Daniel, don't leave her alone. She's scared. You need to pull her back from the ledge that she is approaching…but whatever you do, don't walk away. This isn't scary – you can deal with this; she loves you and she's just scared, of course she is; she has no one who she can turn to. She doesn't want to be perceived as a freak, and she's not, so don't think that," she frantically said, her tight grip on my hand almost cutting off my circulation as I stared at her in amazement.

She kept saying, "Daniel, if you leave her, she's got no one. You love her, I know you do. So don't make the mistake of walking away…or else," she said, and I could see tears flooding her eyes now as she added, "Or else…she might never trust you after, no matter how hard you try, Daniel, it'll be so hard to convince her," she kept going as I pulled her chair a little closer to me and began rubbing my hand along her back, trying to soothe her a bit.

"Clare – I'm not going to break up with her, I never meant to do that," Daniel clarified, obviously a little taken aback at Clare's sudden outburst.

"Okay, good, that's good," she softly said, as she snuggled into me now that our chairs were so close together.

I decided to step in as I said, "Daniel, are you scared she'll….hurt herself?" I knew how horrible Julia had felt after her dad had remarried, and how much the terrible things her stepmom used to say to her affected her; no matter how strong Julia was or how tried I hard to chase those insecurities away.

"I don't even know, I don't think so…but I can't be sure. I want to do the right thing here and help her…but I don't know how," Daniel said, and the desperation was evident in his voice.

I reckoned that I knew how Imogen was feeling right about now, even if our situations were really different, but I knew the one person who might be able to help her.

"Daniel, do you think she'd be up for seeing someone? Like a really nice, really good…psychiatrist? I know this really kind lady, Dr. Sadler, I've known her for a long time, and she could just have a couple of visits with her maybe?" I suggested.

I felt Clare immediately raise her head off of my chest and she said, "Yeah, Daniel – she should! I know who Eli is talking about…from work," Clare added, and I my heart swelled at her explaining our connection to Dr. Sadler following that particular path – I didn't like talking about that period in my past with people who didn't know me back then; I'm trying to put it behind me, so while I'll obviously talk to Clare and Adam and my parents about it, I just don't think it's necessary to mention it to other people.

Daniel responded, "You know – that's actually not a bad idea. But I have no idea how she will react when she hears that".

Clare gave my hand another squeeze and said, "Go with her, Daniel. Don't make her go by herself. She does so many things by herself; and before she had you she used to do practically everything by herself. Just…be there for her, okay?"

Daniel gave Clare a smile and said, "Of course I'll go with her. Do you think you could ask this doctor if she'd be willing to see her, Eli?"

"I will. And I know she'll see her, Dr. Sadler is awesome and she'll do this for me," I assured him.

"Let's hope it works," Daniel said.

Just as I tried to imagine Imogen and Dr. Sadler sitting and talking together, I got a sudden idea. "You know, when you present this whole idea to her – make it like…a career thing; tell her it would be cool for you guys to check it out together because it's the same line of work as Imogen's major. Maybe she'll be more likely to go for it that way," I explained.

"That's a good idea, dude," Daniel said, as I saw him take a look at his phone.

"You can do it, Daniel. You can help her. She loves you and you love her – you should be together. Don't let this stop you from being together. She'll be better soon, Daniel, and you'll want to be there for when that happens," Clare shakily told him, and Daniel shot me the most confused glance I had ever seen him express, obviously not knowing what to make of Clare's reaction to this whole issue.

"Thank you guys so much – I can't tell you how good it makes me feel that we have a plan now. That was her texting me – she's out of class now, so I'm going to go take her to dinner," he explained, picking up his backpack off of the floor. "Thank you, Clare," he repeated, and he leaned in towards her chair and gave her a small side-hug before leaving.

Once Daniel left the coffee shop, I pulled Clare onto my lap and she wouldn't meet my gaze, so I put my hand under her chin and slowly lifted it up as she whispered, "She'll get better, right, Eli?"

I assured her, "Of course. There's nothing all that wrong with her, Clare, and Dr. Sadler will help her figure everything out. It'll be fine, she'll be fine," and my own eyes were welling up with tears at seeing Clare so destroyed.

The words that she had said to Daniel kept echoing in my mind however, and they had really touched me, so I held her a little tighter as I said, "Hey, you know what?" and she tearfully shook her head as I sighed at the sight of her like this.

"You are the most trustworthy, patient, and kind person that I have ever met, Clare Diana Edwards," and Clare finally met my gaze as she whispered, "I love you," before giving me a loving kiss.

**Adam's POV**

"I have to head home Saturday night – Drew's big semi-finals celebration," I said regretfully to Lana in response to her request to go to the movies.

"Oh, of course – I knew about that, sorry," she immediately apologized, and even if she turned away from me, I knew the mention of me going home had instantly made her upset.

"Lana, you know I really –"I started, but she immediately interrupted me.

"It's okay, Adam, I still have a late midterm I should really be studying for," she said, but I highly doubted that was true.

"Why don't you come with me? To my house? To dinner? Come on," I told her in the most encouraging tone I could muster.

I saw her shaking her head as she looked out the window and she softly said, "I couldn't do that".

"Why not?" I pushed.

"Adam…if your mother as much as saw me on your street, she would…" Lana said, and I knew this was coming. This was the one thing in our relationship that I couldn't fix, and I knew it made Lana so horribly sad…she didn't like not to be in control of things, and my mother was a stubborn woman.

"Just come," I repeated.

"How am I supposed to come to your house and show up for dinner when she didn't even say hi to me at your graduation? If Eli hadn't been there with his parents, I would have to sit by myself!" she said, sadness dripping from her every word.

Lana continued, "I'd ruin your brother's happy moment, Adam, and I'm not doing that," she said stubbornly, and I knew her mind was made up.

"I'm sorry, Lana, I'm so sorry," I said, as I tried to pull her in for a hug, but she quickly moved out of my reach and gave me a sad look before she left the apartment.

Just a few seconds later, Eli came in, a look of shock on his face as he asked, "Adam, why is Lana crying on the staircase? Go deal with that dude, right away," but I was already halfway out the door when I heard 'crying'.

As soon as I got there, Lana moved out of my reach again and she didn't give me a chance to say anything before she looked up at me and shakily whispered, "Adam…I miss…California," completely shocking me. I knew she very much identified with her home state…but where was she going with this?

"I miss California, and surfing, and the sun, and I don't like snow and thermal underwear," she said, raising her voice.

"Lana, I love you," I plainly told her. There was a chance my mom would never come around, so I knew I would have to help her understand that we can't get let that get to us.

"I love you too, Adam, I really do," she started, but I had a feeling there was a 'but' coming soon.

"But," she said, confirming my suspicion, "you need to understand that I'm not going to force your mother to accept me, I just won't - but I do want you to come home with _me_ to San Francisco in spring break," she continued, and if a tidal wave came over land-locked Toronto I wouldn't have been more surprised. I thought Lana had finally had enough, but here she was, asking me to come home with her to meet her parents.

"I mean…are you sure? Do your parents know…about me?" I nervously asked her.

"Adam, you've been my boyfriend since grade eleven, of course they know," she said, with a tone that suggested that it should be the most obvious thing in the world. She finally accepted my hug and I brought her back to the apartment, where I saw Eli flash me a smirk when he saw us walking in together. He soon began showing Lana a new comic book he had just bought, and I was really grateful that that calmed her down even more and I made a mental note that I owed Eli one.

**Clare's POV**

"So, why won't Scotty be there?" I asked Eli as we were driving to the boys' house. Both of us had finished our midterms and Eli had invited me to come along to take Dylan to one of his baseball games. He had done so well on the team last year that apparently now he was captain, and I knew the game that we were going to was an important one.

"Scotty has to get braces, so his dad is taking him to do that," Eli said with a small chuckle.

"Uh oh – how does he feel about that?" I asked Eli as I intertwined our hands and rested them on the divider between our seats.

"He didn't take it too hard, actually, when he told me I acted like it was the coolest thing ever, and told him about Bionicle Man, and that was enough to get him on board with the whole braces project," Eli explained with a laugh, and I loved the way he had handled that situation so much that I couldn't help but give him a really heated kiss at the next red light.

"Edwards, I have to drive a_nd _we're going to see a child – please try to control yourself," he sarcastically said, but he was the one to leave me flustered at the next red light.

We pulled up to the house and after we knocked we saw Dylan open the door and I could instantly tell that something was wrong – he wasn't wearing his baseball uniform. Dylan was always really good at being prepared – often he would take charge of preparing Scotty for whatever activity he knew they would have to do next as well – so this was very strange for him, and I could tell Eli thought the same thing as he shot me a concerned look.

"Hey buddy," he gently said, and I noticed Dylan didn't respond to his fist bump, another worrying sign. "Almost ready for the big game?" Eli asked, and I could tell he was trying to tell where Dylan was at.

"I'm not going," Dylan muttered, and my heart sunk. Something was really wrong; I had never seen Dylan act this way, and although Eli didn't seem as shocked as me, I knew this was catching him by surprise a bit as well.

We entered the house at Dylan's beckoning, but he just miserably walked into his room and lied down on the bed. His room was also baseball themed, and just as messy as would be expected of a fourteen year old boy. I noticed that on his night table he had the same framed photo of a beautiful blonde woman, probably just a little over thirty, and she was smiling so brightly that her eyes were sparkling…and I just knew that the boys' mom had been a woman who had loved them deeply and loved life deeply as well. My eyes welled with tears at the realization that she would never be here to see her boys grow up.

Eli had an amazing bond with both brothers, and even if Dylan was a little more reserved than his younger brother, I could tell that he looked up to Eli a lot and I loved the relationship between the two of them, so it didn't surprise me when Eli instinctively climbed on Dylan's bed next to him, and he patted a spot on the bed for me.

Dylan was facing away from Eli, but I saw Eli slowly turn him and as Dylan faced us, Eli softly said, "What's going on, Dylan? You can tell us," but Dylan just hid his face in his pillow.

"Did something happen on the team? At baseball?" Eli suggested but Dylan just shook his head.

I gently said, "You don't want to go to your game? We don't have to, we can do something else," I told Dylan.

I didn't get any type of response, though, but Eli added, "We can do whatever you want, Clare's right. We can get in the car and drive to wherever you want, Dylan," and that comment caused Dylan to look up at him shyly and say,

"Anywhere?"

"Anywhere in the Greater Toronto area," Eli quickly clarified, and I was grateful, as I wasn't planning for a cross-Canada road trip to be on the agenda for today.

"Do you think we could go to…Trinity Bellwoords Park?" Dylan asked, and Eli quickly confirmed that the relatively far away park was indeed an appropriate option, and Dylan slowly got out of his bed and followed Eli and I to the car.

Just before we got in, I saw Eli hesitate at first, but eventually he asked Dylan, "Hey…Angela's not waiting for you at the game or anything, right?"

Dylan shrugged his shoulders and said, "She's on vacation, she won't be there," but the tone in his voice hinted that he wasn't upset because of that.

Eli kept shooting me worried glances on the drive over and all I could do was return them, because I didn't have the slightest idea of what was wrong here, and while Dylan was an expert in always helping us with his little brother's pain, the way he never talked about his own reminded me a lot of…the way Eli would hesitate to talk about Julia after he first told me about her.

Once we got to the park, I saw Eli pull out a blanket that he always kept in the back of the Jeep and Dylan walked purposefully towards a tree that was right in front of a playground, but he stopped within about ten feet of it as he noticed another family had already occupied this spot, and I saw Eli widen his eyes when he noticed that Dylan's eyes were now red and brimming with tears.

"Hey, it's okay, it's okay, buddy," Eli said as he wrapped him up in a hug that Dylan didn't respond to for a long time, but he eventually wrapped his arms around Eli in response, and I saw him hang on for dear life as Eli's own eyes started to get a little red.

Eli gave me a quick nod and I joined their hug, and I felt Dylan's arm wrap around my waist as he whispered, "They're in our spot," and I knew his _our _wasn't referring to me and Eli and him, but to an our that hadn't been physically possible for a few years now.

As if they had heard his pain, the family quickly got up and left, and Dylan grabbed the blanket from Eli and he laid it out against the tree, smoothing it out perfectly before he motioned for us to sit down, and as Eli leaned against the tree, Dylan sat next to him, and I sat on the other side of him.

I could tell Eli had also caught onto what was going on here, as he was staring straight ahead at the playground and shooting worried glances at Dylan every once in a while, but I knew that Eli understood he couldn't be pushed.

Dylan grabbed Eli's sunglasses off of his face and he put them on as he whispered, "Angela went on vacation with her mom and sister. They went to Disneyland," and his voice cracked as he said, "_We_ were supposed to go to Disneyland. My mom was going to the bank that morning so she could transfer money from her savings to her chequing account and then pay for the tickets. She said…we had to go to Disneyland while both me and Scotty were young enough to have fun there, but not too young so that we wouldn't remember it," and I saw Eli immediately sigh as both of our arms wrapped around Dylan at once. He had never spoken about his mom in front of me, other than to clarify Scotty's behaviour at times, so I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. I knew he knew about Julia so he might be a little more comfortable with Eli, but I wanted him to understand that I cared about him as well.

"Oh, buddy," Eli affectionately said, "It's okay to miss her. It's okay to talk about her, she sounds like she was a great mom".

"She was," Dylan asserted at once. "She was the best mom on the planet," he emphatically declared, and all of our eyes were tearing up at this point.

"Did she used to…bring you here?" Eli gently asked.

"Almost every Sunday. Scotty would play on the playground, but I would just sit here with her and watch him – she said that brothers always have to look out for one another, no matter what. She said I have to be patient with him, because even if he is annoying, little brothers are just like that sometimes. She would read with me, and play me all sorts of cool music on her iPOD and tell me about how she used to work in Nashville before she moved to Toronto and met my dad," Dylan said, and I was pleased at how much he was sharing with us.

"That's so cool," Eli encouraged him. "What kinds of things did she like to do?" he asked.

"She liked being a producer, and she'd always be dancing to one song or another as long as it had a good beat," Dylan told me, and I instantly understood why he loved drumming so much. He had a set of drums in his house, and _man, _were they ever loud – he had demonstrated for me numerous times while Scotty just kept his ears covered, a little too used to Dylan's practices.

"She sounds like she was so much fun," Eli said.

"She was," Dylan answered, "…and…I miss her, Eli. I want to go to Disneyland like we had planned. I'm getting old…mommy wanted me to go before I was too old, and now I won't, she wouldn't like that…" he said as he covered his face with his hands and I saw Eli exhale as he pulled him in for a hug. As soon as he was out of Eli's embrace I gave him a hug as well and I gently said,

"You're not too old, Dylan. I have an older sister – her name is Darcy, and she works in Africa. She left when I was in high school, Dylan, and we have a deal that the first time that she comes back to North America we're going to head down to Disneyland. You're not too old, and your mom would have wanted you to go," I told him and I saw Eli give me such a loving look that my heart almost broke.

"Really?" Dylan shyly asked.

"Absolutely," Eli quickly said. "Dylan, I know it's hard, but it's okay for you to be sad, it's okay to show that – it doesn't mean you're not brave," he poignantly told him.

"But I have to be brave for Scotty," Dylan insisted.

Eli looked him directly in the eyes as he said, "And you are – you are really brave and you take such good care of him. But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to be sad," and Dylan stared at Eli for a long time before Eli continued, "Dylan…having the courage to…really feel the loss of loved ones is the hardest kind of courage to have, you know – it's not easy. I've been there. But something inside you, whether you know it or not, made you want to come here today, and that is really good. Your mom would be really proud at what a great guy you are, I know it," Eli warmly told him.

"I miss her," Dylan softly whispered.

"I know, Dylan, I know," Eli gently told him. "Of course you do."

"Do you miss Julia?" Dylan asked, rendering me frozen in fear. I knew Eli didn't like talking about Julia around me anymore, after I had made such a big deal about it before our horrible break-up.

Eli kept his gaze on the playground as she said, "Julia was…my first girlfriend, Dylan," he slowly said, giving me an apologetic look.

"I figured," Dylan said, obviously catching Eli by surprise a little.

"So it's a little different, you see, because a bond with a mom is really different, but I miss…the things that Julia would have done if she hadn't died. I hate that she didn't get to graduate high school, go to college…live her life the way she would have wanted to. And I hate that the end of her life was so difficult – she didn't have a mom, you see, Dylan," Eli explained, and Dylan frowned at that.

"She had a stepmom who didn't like her very much, so I hate that the end of her life had to be so difficult, and I hate the actual accident more than anything. I don't understand why she had to die – I never will," Eli concluded, and I was so proud of the way he explained things to Dylan.

Eli spoke again, "But…your mom. You won't forget her, Dylan, and you're supposed to miss her, because she was a great mom," Eli said, choking on his words a little.

"Eli?" Dylan gently asked.

"Yeah, buddy?" Eli encouraged him.

"Do you think mom would have liked baseball? I never got to ask her if she liked it," Dylan asked, and I felt a tear fall down my face.

"I think she would have absolutely _loved _it. I know she would have, it would have been her favourite sport," Eli quickly responded, exuberating confidence.

Dylan then turned around a little and gave me a hug as he whispered, "Clare?"

"Yes?" I responded.

"I like it when you hang out with us," he said, "and I'm glad you are finally dating Eli," he added, making Eli blush a little, "because you are a good couple. Don't break up".

"We won't," I assured him as I grabbed Eli's hand.

Eli gave Dylan a while to calm down before he asked, "Do you want to walk around a little, maybe get something to eat? I know I'm hungry," and Dylan shyly nodded.

He helped Eli fold up the blanket and once we all decided on having pizza for lunch, I was ecstatic to see Dylan hold out his fist to Eli for one of their characteristics bumps, and he turned right around and did the same thing with me – informing me that I was the only girl to whom this privilege had ever been extended.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was just spraying on a bit of perfume as I heard my doorbell ring and I knew that it must be Eli, and I heard my mom open it before I got the chance to get downstairs. My assumption had been correct, and I couldn't help but giggle when I noticed that he had definitely taken the time to get himself ready for church – he was wearing black dress pants and a white dress shirt and…had he gotten a haircut?

"Hey Clare," he said as my mom headed into the kitchen to make sure that she had turned the stove off, cheekily whispering, "I'm ready to do this thing! Let's hope I don't catch on fire the minute I step in or something," widening his eyes playfully and causing me to burst into a wild fit of giggles.

My mom returned and Eli quickly changed his expression to one of complete seriousness, while it took me a minute to recover, and I hit his shoulder playfully as punishment for making me look so silly all by myself.

"I can drive, Miss Edwards," Eli specified as soon as we were out of the house.

"Oh, very well then, Eli," my mom approved and she added, "Clare, you sit in the front, honey," as she saw my hesitation as I opened the door.

I noticed Eli turned the heat on and set the station to one that was playing that really boring soft music – correctly assuming it was something my mom would like – and when we hit a red light he winked at me, causing me to burst into giggles again as I mouthed 'no!'. I just didn't think playing our game in front of my mother was such a good choice.

"What is going on with you, Clare?" I head my mom ask. "Is she always like this around you, Eli? She's acting like a little girl," my mom playfully said and I so eloquently retorted, "Am not!"

"No, Miss Edwards, I have no idea what's gotten into her today," Eli said with perfect seriousness as I shot him a glare.

We got to the church quickly and as we were walking to it, I was surprised to see Eli hesitate nervously a bit, and as I looked at him, he said, "Hey, Clare?" all of a sudden looking really unsure about this whole thing as he was taking in all of the people walking in.

I moved closer to him and said, "It's all right, you're with me," and I intertwined our hands as I caught my mom giving us a small smile. His hand felt a little different though, and upon closer inspection I realized exactly why, so I asked him in surprise, "No rings?" and he just shrugged and said, "Took them off, just for the morning," and my heart swelled when he realized why he had done that exactly, and I placed a quick kiss on his hand before we walked into the church.

Once the service was over, I heard my mom ask Eli, "So what did you think?"

Eli gave her a smile and said, "You know, I thought I wouldn't understand anything – but the whole thing kind of reminded me of a lecture like the ones you might find in one of our English classes; the pastor was a really good speaker," and the look of intrigue on Eli's face told me he hadn't actually spaced out the whole time and that he maybe even found this a worthwhile activity…this once, of course.

"I'm glad to hear you say that, young man," I heard Pastor Dan say as he came up behind us, and Eli's eyes widened a bit, and I heard him let out a small sigh of relief; probably as he was reviewing what he had said out loud and realizing that it was all good.

"Good to see you, Helen," he said to my mom.

"It's lovely to see you too – that was a fine sermon today - I agree," my mom complimented.

"That's very kind of you Helen. Clare – every time I see you, you seem to be getting older on me," Pastor Dan warmly told me. "How is college treating you?"

"I love it," I honestly answered him, and I gave Eli's hand a squeeze as I proceeded to say, "Pastor Dan, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Eli," and the two shook hands as Eli also complimented him on his sermon.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, young man. You are the first of Clare's boyfriends that I've ever met – does this mean I'll be doing your wedding ceremony someday?" I heard Pastor Dan say, with a tone of playful humour in his voice, but I could tell that he had asked that exactly because I was introducing him to a boyfriend. I knew he knew Jake's family…but I had never told Pastor Dan about the fact that I dated him, and I doubt Pastor Dan would have approved of Jake's lifestyle if he really knew it. Eli's lifestyle on the other hand…it wasn't your typical church-congruent lifestyle, but his values were strong and he clung to them.

I saw a little smug look cross Eli's face when Pastor Dan suggested Eli was special, and he responded, "Maybe someday – if she'll have me," and he laughed playfully, but I knew he wasn't purely kidding. This answer seemed to please Pastor Dan and I saw a small smile form on my mom's lips as well.

Eli drove us home and stayed for dinner at my mom's request, and then he drove us back to campus and we went for coffee before heading to each of our residences, where we ran into Imogen and Daniel and I suggested that we sit with them.

I saw Imogen blush furiously as we approached, and even though I knew we would never be besties, I did feel bad for her…I feel like her whole life been has been like those horrible months of my life were during the period in which my parents were divorcing – except even then I was able to get their attention, while it seemed like Imogen was on her own for good. She didn't have any siblings, and a lot of her friends seemed to…like her for her generosity and even abuse it at times. I knew her life was hard, so I gave her a small smile and she seemed to relax a bit.

"Hey guys," I heard Eli say as we sat down opposite from them.

"Hey, how was _church?_" Daniel asked Eli with a raised eyebrow – I knew they had class together on Friday afternoon and it looks like Eli had been stressing about it.

"Shut up, man," Eli shot back as Daniel laughed.

Imogen shyly spoke up and said, "I…wanted to thank you guys. I saw Dr. Sadler last week…and I think she's great, such a good listener," and Eli just nodded in response as I said, "I'm glad you like her".

Daniel placed a small kiss on Imogen's forehead, and it was such a comforting gesture on his part that it warmed my heart to see him be here for his girlfriend…because I knew she'd still be quite fragile while Dr. Sadler helped her get on her feet.

Eli and I didn't stick around for very long; we soon headed to his apartment for a while as we joined Adam for a homework session. Afterwards, just as I was saying goodbye to Eli in front of my apartment door, I pulled away from a kiss and asked him,

"What's the nightmare count at, Eli?" a frequent question since Christmas break. I had come over to his house a few times – Eli had insisted that I don't stay up like that every night and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't win that battle – and once we had returned to college, I knew there was no way Eli would let me walk back to Annesley by myself, even if Adam had offered to walk me back. I knew that would be too much for Eli, so I didn't force him.

"Zero," he said with a smirk and I squealed in response and couldn't help but give him a small kiss. I knew we were on the right track.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review!**


	33. Thunderstruck

**Hi lovely readers! Here is the next chapter, hope you like it and that you tell me what you think of it! If you want some more EClare cuteness, check out my new story They Didn't Have To Be; it's quite different but some of you might like it! I am delighted that some of you have already told me so. **

**I'd like to spend a special thank you to my friend ilovetaylorswift13 for her sweet encouragement of my broken EClare heart after that horrible promo! I hope someone knocks some sense into Clare soon, because she only seems to be getting meaner and meaner. I don't blame Eli one bit for 'erasing [her] out of [his] life' - what else did she expect? Not to mention it is so hypocritical to say that in the first place; that should be his line. She's the one who erased him out of her life with a dance, a bike ride, and giggly time with Alli. She doesn't get to say that to him, much as my Eli said to my Clare all those chapters ago in their big fight! Those are my thoughts on that promo. And I'm worried about Imogen…she seems to be pushing Eli into something, and I hate that. The boy has been pushed enough through all that Clare stuff. **

**And I would like to thank everyone who reviewed last chapter: skygoldsworthy, MaddieLovesEclare, musiksnob, samcabral, iloveeliandclare (your twitter support is amazing and I am your biggest fan right back at you) Love it, deena, MelissaIsLame, EpicNinjaChica, Sophia, MartinaAxi, Ohmyapplepie21, Karina, degrassifan2891, EmandEms, CheapNovelty, eclarefan13 (got both of your messages friend! thank you so much, they were lovely!), kbby6, Julsgracie (what a lovely insightful review from you like always, such a treat. Please keep doing that), and my rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel (hope you are still reading, friend! don't worry if you miss a chapter here or there, but I'd love hear your thoughts if you have a chance!). **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any other real world references I happen to make. **

**Imogen's POV**

"But it didn't mean anything and I was just so incredibly heartbroken over _our _break-up that I wasn't thinking straight…and you know how I get when I am like that," I calmly and slowly said to Daniel.

Dr. Sadler had told me that it is my choice to tell him about the way I acted the night of our break-up or not, but she also said that the reason why I feel so guilty still is because he doesn't know, so I knew I had to do this. But looking at his shell-shocked expression the minute I told him I asked one of his best friends to spend the night with me…I was no longer sure this was the right choice.

Daniel just shot me a freezing cold stare for what felt like an eternity and then he whispered, "Because _his_ girlfriend doesn't fuck him, right? You figured you could just sub in for what she doesn't do? Well - A+ for you Imogen, way to swoop in and _manipulate _the situation! This way everyone gets what they want!" and I felt like someone had shot a bullet in my heart when I heard him say that.

He stood up from the table angrily, and I felt tears running down my face as I said, "No…it wasn't like that! I wasn't thinking properly, I told you. You know how things are with me…because of my parents…my problems," I tried to remind him.

"Right. Well, Eli has issues too, right? Maybe you two can just sail off into the sunset, and leave _me_ the fuck alone," he gritted, walking to my apartment door. I desperately clung to his arm as I said, "No, Daniel, I love _you! _I'm so sorry, please, understand, I was so upset and – nothing happened," I shouted at him.

He quickly turned around and flashed me a look of daggers as he said, "What the hell counts as nothing for you, Imogen? Because sleeping with him sure counts for me. And…that _bastard_, has the audacity to talk to me after – and about _you_ too. Well, you know who I think is pretty cute? Clare. Bet she's gonna love to hear about this! Her perfect Eli fucking you behind her back. Hope all those c_hapter trips _in those hotels were fun!" he kept pushing, and I was just shaking my head – he wasn't understanding me!

"We didn't have sex!" I blurted out and Daniel titled his head as he began to laugh bitterly after what felt like yet another eternity. I expected this to be hard, but this was beyond what I could take.

"Of course. _He didn't want to_. Right?" he said, yelling at this point. "Right?" he repeated, raising his voice even louder.

I couldn't speak a single syllable in that moment, never mind gather the courage to look up at him.

"_Typical_. Have a nice life, Imogen. Don't you _dare _contact me again. I _rue _the day I met both you and Eli," he shot venomously, and released himself from my grasp and slammed the door behind him.

I had lost him.

For good this time.

He was gone.

Other than my grandparents, both of whom were gone now, I had lost the only person that has ever loved me.

Because of my own stupidity.

They were right. I didn't deserve him.

_ What would a boy like that be doing with someone like you?_

**Clare's POV**

I giggled as I burrowed deeper into the couch, replying, "I'm so excited. But will it be like…rowdy?" I asked Eli. He was going to take me to my first rock concert next week, and he had been counting down to this AC/DC reunion for months. I knew we had really good seats because his dad had secured our tickets, but…images of crazy mosh pits came to mind.

"It will be _the rowdiest thing _you will ever see in your life," he replied, squeezing my shoulder and widening his eyes playfully. I saw his smirk fall a little when he must have read my genuinely scared expression, though, and he softly added, "I'm just kidding, don't worry. I got us seats in a tame section," and I thought the direction of this conversation was the perfect opportunity for me to reassure Eli a bit.

I intertwined the fingers of our left hand as I said, "But you'll protect me, right?" shooting him an innocent look. I saw him smirk widely and he said, "Of course I will. It's my job," and he leaned in to give me a kiss, and I pulled just a little away so I could say, "Because you're my _boyfriend,_" before I captured his lips with mine and we shared one of the most passionate kisses of our entire relationship.

"Wow," I breathed as I pulled away. We had both finished finals and we were headed home tomorrow…and the last semester had been crazy for both of us. Tonight was going to be the first night of relaxation that we had in a long time, and I wanted to…take things a step further with him. We had been taking things pretty slow, which was actually a relief for me a little bit, because after our most recent step I didn't want us to rush into more things as if the floodgates had just been unleashed, but Eli had been able to guide me through the previous step because he was much more experienced than me. And we hadn't done that since the night that I got back from England. For me to return that favour, I would have to take initiative, and I was a little scared of…not doing it right. Maybe hurting him even, not…being any good at it. Eli…had been touched in that way before, and I didn't want to disappoint. I wanted to make him feel as comfortable as he had made me feel, so I decided to push my own insecurities aside and just listen to him…but as my hands adventured lower down his chest, I heard a wild knocking at this door.

Ugh, now what? Adam was with Lana tonight – after spending reading break with her in California, the little rocky period of their relationship seemed to be well behind them, although the large dilemma of Mrs. Torres' acceptance was something that I knew bothered Lana a great deal still. She did not like it for others to see her weaknesses, and she never wanted to come off as vulnerable, but one night when we went to a drop-in dance class together last week, she had talked to me about it, a light film of tears lining her eyes throughout our discussion. The most horrible thing however, was that I really did not know what to tell her; I was scared that Adam was correct and that his mother might not ever come around, and I wondered if Lana could take it.

Eli broke away from another kiss that he had initiated as he groaned and shouted, "Go away," but the knocking only got more persistent, so he eventually shot me a regretful look as he walked over in the direction of the door, and I grabbed his hand quickly with him and I walked with him to the door. Eli quickly opened it and I saw Daniel on the other end…but something was wrong. He didn't fist bump Eli like he always did, nor did he make a suggestive comment about what I am sure was my messy hair; he just stared at him for a second after Eli asked him to come in. But Daniel didn't make the slightest motion to move.

Eli raised an eyebrow at him and said, "What's going on, dude?"

Daniel just flashed him another cold stare and I couldn't believe my eyes as he pulled his arm back and punched Eli so hard that he hit the wall behind him and I could see his lip bleeding.

Eli raised his finger to his lip and looked at Daniel in shock and I quickly ran over to him and kneeled behind him as I yelled at Daniel, "What is wrong with you? Get out," but he just quickly shot back, "Hey Clare, know what? Imogen and I broke up. Let's go sleep together, what do you say? I'll show you a good time, trust me, we can do whatever you like. I'm better than Eli, I promise – we'll have a great time". _Oh. So that's what this was about. _I still couldn't help but stare in his shock at his proposal, and when he heard Daniel's words, Eli got up at once and grabbed Daniel's collar and aggressively held him against the opposite wall and snarled, "How _dare_ you talk to her like that, you come into my apartment and -" but Daniel just laughed bitterly in response.

"Oh, fuck off, Eli! What a _friend _you are. 'Oh, Imogen came over to do chapter business, because she needed to take her mind off of the break-up'. Liar," he shot.

"Eli, please put him down," I shakily whispered. This could end very badly…they were both so angry and violence seemed like the road they had decided to take. I knew how upset Eli was over what Daniel said to me, and I felt my knees shaking at the sight in front of me. I exhaled deeply when I saw Eli release his grip on Daniel, and my heart swelled when I saw that Eli was able to do that. The Eli I first met would have never been able to just put Daniel down.

Eli was still angry though, and he calmly said, "Daniel," and their gazes locked as he continued, "Imogen comes over here in hysterics, I don't do _anything _but make sure she ends up where she should be – with you – and now you come over here and punch me, and say those things to Clare. What do you want from me?" and I admired the way he logically laid out everything. It was the truth. I knew Daniel was angry, because being in a relationship with Imogen was not easy, but he was definitely taking this out on the wrong person.

"Why the fuck did she come to you and offer to have sex with you, Eli?" he shot back. "What kind of a girlfriend does that – how can I ever trust her again? It's over," he said, as he slid down to the floor and I just guided Eli to join me on the floor opposite of him. They had broken up? I know his pain was real and important, but…where was Imogen? She had a tendency to do the wildest things when under stress, and I knew it was because she felt utterly alone. Where was she? I had to know.

I softly spoke up, "Daniel, I know this is hard for you –" and he bitterly cut me off.

"Your boyfriend's not the one that threw himself at someone else," and I gave him a warm look. I knew how horrible he must be feeling – I had to watch Imogen be all over Eli at that first chapter meeting, and that was one of the things that had bothered me most about everything she had done, because at that point Eli was single, and I couldn't help but wonder…I jolted out of those thoughts as I gently added,

"Daniel…I know it's hard to realize this now, because you're dealing with so much, but…Imogen's actions and thoughts that night were filtered through whatever is a little off about her," I tried to explain, remembering how Eli had described what was going on in his mind, and I added, "Do you think that I liked what she did? Especially when it was the night right after I flew across the ocean?"

Daniel looked at me and shrugged his shoulders as he said, "I can't deal with her anymore. I love her…but she's too much, Clare, too unpredictable. I love her, but I can't be around her," and as soon as he said those words I saw Eli quickly get up, walking to the kitchen. I saw him standing by the sink, hands shaking as he drank a glass of water. I noticed he brought one to Daniel as he sat down cross legged next to him and across from me as he said, "I know, Daniel. I know".

I heard Daniel sigh and he said, "Sorry, Eli. I shouldn't have punched you; I know you didn't do anything wrong. I'm just…furious and it was just…a visual that drove me nuts," and Eli flashed him a sad smile. "I know. Don't worry about it, my jaw isn't made of glass," and I moved so could I sit next to Eli and I played with his piercing, attempting to communicate how proud I was of him in this moment, and I didn't really think expressing that with a kiss would be appropriate, as Daniel was going through something quite difficult at the moment.

Daniel quickly blushed as he said, "Clare…I'm really embarrassed about what I said to you. I'm not that kind of guy, and I'm sorry".

I instantly replied, "Don't worry about it. People say all sorts of things when they are upset that they don't mean," and I gave Eli's hand a tight squeeze. I had done that to him so many times, and while he would do it sometimes in return, there were many times in which he just shook his head at me, pursing his lips in anger, but I knew he was one step away from tears. I really had been so insensitive to him so many times, I thought, as I shook my head.

Daniel sighed and said, "I'm going to go back to my room, but, I'm really sorry again guys".

I didn't like the way this was all ending though, and the worried look Eli shot me told me he felt the same way.

Eli softly suggested, "Daniel…is she all right? She was completely off the rails the last time you broke up," and I saw Daniel shut his eyes as he banged his head back against the wall.

"I can't, Eli. I can't," and I really understood how he felt in this moment, but I also knew how he would feel after some time had passed, and even if it might be impossible for him to look forward to that future, I knew I had to say something.

"Daniel…I know how you feel," I softly said.

"No offense Clare, but how could you _possibly_? You and Eli….everything is just so much easier for you guys," he said, pain dripping from his every word. Um, that might not be exactly so, Daniel, I thought to myself.

I felt Eli exhale as he said, "Dude, I was way worse than Imogen when I first met Clare," and I stared at him, a little surprised. Was he going to…? I knew he didn't like talking about the past to people who hadn't know him back then, and I couldn't blame him. In order for Eli to truly move on, he couldn't always be haunted by the ghosts of his past. He wasn't ignoring them or pretending like they never happened, so that was good enough for me. I didn't want him to feel stuck in the past either; he still had a huge guilt complex over what happened. We both did.

Eli played with his guitar pick necklace as he slowly but systematically told Daniel…everything. He even told him about Julia, and I could tell Eli's recounting left Daniel shell-shocked. He explained everything up until the night of his accident, at which point I took over. Daniel needed to hear my perspective at this point, so I told him the way I felt after I finally snapped out of my blind Jake trance, and Eli held me closely and pushed my hair out of my face as I tearfully told Daniel he would regret it if he didn't make sure Imogen was safe tonight.

"Have _you_ forgiven her, Clare?" he asked me, meeting my gaze as I nodded and said, "I have, Daniel. I have," and I leaned my head on Eli's chest and I felt him run his hand through my curls quickly.

"I can't talk to her tonight, all right? But…let's go find her," he said, slowly getting up as Eli told him, "Good choice man," and I gave him a small hug.

I called her cell phone, and I didn't get any answer – but I knew that would really have been too easy. We all rushed over to her apartment and no one answered the door, and all the lights were off. That sight had us a little worried, and Daniel just angrily said, "Damn it," as he threw his body against the door and forced it open. I saw Eli stare at him in surprise, but he shrugged that look off quickly, and we all rushed into her apartment. It looked just like it always had, but when I went into her room I saw that she had been packing; clothes were all over her bed.

"How do you know that means she was packing?" Eli asked me, looking very confused.

I came out of her bathroom and said, "She took her toothbrush, and all her make-up. She's gone," I softly said, realizing that the boys needed a girl's opinion here.

"Our picture," Daniel whispered, pointing to her night table. "Our picture that we took on her birthday. She _always _keeps it by her bed. Why is it gone?" he whispered, and I felt the fear in his voice.

"She took it with her," Eli immediately said, sounding completely certain.

"Or tossed it," Daniel said.

"No man, she took it with her. Trust me. Something just tells me she did," Eli insisted, and he sounded so convinced that he sure was making me agree with him.

"Daniel, where does she talk about going…is there like a special spot she likes…maybe one that you both have or something…" I suggested.

"She loves so many places! We go to a ton of different ones, she's travelled all over, she could be on a plane or a train right now for all we know," he said, covering his face with his hands. We were getting nowhere fast.

Eli then started saying something, but then he inhaled sharply as he said, "Is there any place she…won't usually go?" and the minute I heard him say that, I knew he was onto something here.

"Her house. Her parents' house," Daniel said, and a few seconds later we were all running towards Eli's Jeep.

I wanted to help as much as I could so I just jumped into the driver's seat and pulled out my set of keys but Eli quickly shook his head as he said, "Please. Let me drive this time. We're in a rush," and the worry in his eyes told me I couldn't put him through anything more tonight. He already had a large bruise forming around his mouth, and I said a quick prayer to God that we would find Imogen and that she would be all right, and then I made a mental note to take special care of Eli's injury tonight.

"Which way is her parents' house, Daniel?" Eli urgently asked as he turned onto Queen's Street.

"I don't know!" he said in alarm. "You've never done Centennial Foundation work there – the past summer or something?" he asked in desperation.

"No, it was always my house that we'd meet at," Eli informed us, a very logical choice considering Imogen's feelings towards having her parents meet her friends.

"What do we do?" I asked in a panic.

Eli tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he said, "Clare, can you get my phone?" and I reached into his right jacket pocket and he added, "Call Dr. Sadler. She will at least have her address," and I exclaimed, "Oh my God, Eli, of course," and I saw Daniel take off his seatbelt so he could be as close to the phone as possible when I made my call.

"Dude, put your seatbelt back on," Eli immediately told him.

"What? No, it doesn't even matter," Daniel said, but I felt Eli slam on the brakes as he said, "I'm not driving you unless you wear your seat belt, Goddamn it. Were you not listening to a word I told you?" and I immediately saw Daniel shoot him an apologetic and embarrassed look as he leaned back in his seat and said, "Sorry, Eli". I knew Daniel was so rattled that he never meant anything by his action, but we were all so tense that our tempers were on the edge.

"Dr. Sadler?" I said as I heard her voice on the other end of the phone. "It's Clare Edwards, and Eli, we need your help."

"Clare! Are you all right? Is Eli all right? Clare, talk to me, right now," she told me authoritatively at once, and I quickly told her we were fine but explained the situation with Imogen and Dr. Sadler immediately told me, "I think she'll either be at her parents' house, or maybe at their hospital – Toronto General," and she gave me Imogen's address as well as a set of directions from the U of T campus. Her house was quite far actually; it would be about a thirty minute drive, and I prayed that all of our nerves, especially Daniel's, could take it.

"Clare – once you find her, get Eli to drive her to my house," she instructed me, as I wrote down that address as well. She also added, "If she is not at her house, Clare – call the police, then call me. She will be a missing person then," she told me, making me freeze in shock for a second.

I hung up after gathering my senses and I slowly repeated everything to Eli and Daniel, watching both of their faces turn paler and paler with every word.

"We'll find her. It'll be all right, everything will be all right," Eli softly but urgently said, and I desperately hoped he would be right.

**Imogen's POV**

"Where are you going, sweetie?" he asked me as he put my bag in the back.

"Good question," I whispered. The whole world was open with the credit limit my parents placed on my card…but I didn't want to jump on a plane or a train, or drive far away…I only really wanted to be in one place.

"3703 Dunbar Avenue, please," I told him and he started the meter.

I slipped my iPOD into my ears, but every single song that I had on it seemed to remind me of Daniel so I quickly shoved it back in my bag. The drive took the usual thirty minutes, and when the cab pulled up in front of the dark house, I saw the driver frown as he asked me,

"Do you have a key? It doesn't look like anyone is home," and he did sound genuinely concerned. I made sure to give him a large tip as flashed him a grin and replied, "They're home, the lights are just off…because…they're throwing me a surprise party. I just got home, been away for a while," I softly said as the driver pulled my bag out of the back and said, "Have a good party, honey," and he quickly got back in his car and drove away.

When I was younger, I'd often sit in my room and I'd watch for the people in the cars driving by below and I would make up these little life stories for them, and something in me felt like doing that again in this moment…_the cab driver was obviously from India, and although he was working the night shift, he would be there in the morning for when his son and daughter would have to leave for elementary school. He always insisted on making their breakfast, allowing the kids' mom to sleep in – she would always look after them when they got home from school, help them do all their homework and pick them up from soccer and ballet. He'd place a kiss on each of their foreheads before dropping them off at school, assuring them he would see them for breakfast next morning. He'd remember if they had a test that day, and wish them good luck, never placing too much pressure on them because he knew they tried their hardest and that's all he could ask of them._ Yeah, that was his story.

I reached for my keys and opened the door to the front house. Everything was the same as it always looked, so I headed up the large staircase up to the room I grew up in. The bright green walls took me by surprise for a second – I had read somewhere that green is a colour that radiates happiness, so I had decided to paint my room in that colour in grade ten. It obviously hadn't worked. I went over to my closet and I changed into a pair of my old pyjamas; they were made of dark red silk and I remember buying them because my mom had a pair that were very similar, and in my naiveté at the time I even allowed myself to have a vision of her and I sitting on my bed and watching TV with mugs of hot chocolate. You'd think I'd know better by now, but a large part of me wished that could still come true.

I had no idea what I was doing here; all I knew was that I could no longer be on campus. I had finished my finals already, and I no longer planned on returning to U of T next fall. Not when so many places on that campus remind me of him. I've always liked Vancouver, and UBC is a nice university. It's nice on the west coast - no snow…or very little snow. I could…start over. I mean, really start over. I've learned enough from my mistakes now that I could just apply to transfer, move in on campus or maybe in Kits, the nice beachside neighbourhood really close to the university…I felt tears stinging my eyes at this imagination though, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I pulled out the framed photograph of Daniel and I – we were both smiling widely in it as we had been waiting so long to be reunited before my birthday; practically all summer, and I loved the green dress that I was wearing, while he looked handsome as always in it. He was tall. So tall, and I absolutely loved that about him.

But I screwed it up, I reminded myself, as I hid under my covers and just hugged the picture tightly to my chest. I jolted however, when I heard my bedroom door open, and…had he found me? Was Daniel here? Please God, let that be him, I pleaded, but as I lifted the covers away from my eyes I found myself face to face with my mom and dad. They looked absolutely shocked to see me, and I couldn't blame them – I hadn't heard from them in a month, when I emailed them the date I would be coming home, which was supposed to be two weeks from now. They had never replied to my message.

I really wanted them to come over and hug me, but all I got was a cold stare as my mom asked,

"So - you get kicked out of school? Or out of residence – which one? Both?" and I felt the tears rolling down my face at her question. Seriously?

"No, mom," I softly whispered. "I made good grades, I renewed my scholarship, and I don't have any problems in residence," I informed her as she said,

"You'd better not. I don't need you embarrassing me at U of T, some of the surgeons I work with teach there, you know," she reproached me.

"I know," I repeated.

"Why did you come home early?" my dad asked.

"I just…wanted to," I honestly admitted.

My mom moved my suitcase out of the middle of the room, putting it off towards the side as she said, "Well, I hope you don't plan on spending the entire summer moping around. You won't get anywhere with that, Imogen".

"I got a job for the summer," I softly said, hugging my picture tighter. _If he was here right now, he'd help me be stronger. But I can't do it without him. _

"What will you be doing?" she asked me.

"I'm working for a psychologist, just secretary work for her, but…it's good to be in that environment, because I eventually want to go into it," I shyly told them.

"Which psychologist?" my dad pushed.

"Her name is Catherine Sadler and she works at the Yorkville Recovery Centre," I informed him.

"I've heard of that clinic, it has a reputation for being quite good. Hope you learn something this summer then," my dad said, and my heart warmed at his friendliness, so I softly breathed, "Thanks, dad".

"Well, don't get ahead of yourself now, Richard. Just wait to see how long she lasts there," my mom coldly said, making more tears run down my face. "The girl can't even carry a conversation, she's always crying. How is she supposed to ever set up a career for herself?" she added as I buried my face in my pillow.

"What is that you're holding?" she said, but she didn't even give me a chance to answer before she yanked out my photo out of my arms and a look of anger flashed across her face as she said, "Of course. _This _is why you're home. I should've known. He broke up with you," she pushed, and I heard myself sob uncontrollably.

"Stop crying, Imogen, we all knew this would happen," she said, raising her voice. "He wasn't the boy for you, a boy like that doesn't look at a girl like you for too long, I told you - but of course you didn't listen to me," her tone implying everything I needed to know.

"Now, Eva, just leave her alone," my dad tried to suggest as he sat down on my bed. "Imogen, give me that picture. That chapter of your life is over, now it might be time to focus on a career," he shot at me.

"Dad – I am going into psychology," I tearfully said. I was doing well; I was one of the first students in all my classes, I had many extra curriculars on the U of T campus, I had a summer job which was hard to get…why was he always like this?

"Psychology….the weakest science, Imogen," he emotionlessly said, and I just moved further down my bed, hiding my face against the wall.

"I like it," I whispered, but I knew they weren't listening to me.

My mom then scoffed and as I turned around to face her I saw that she didn't hesitate for one second before smashing my photo frame to the ground. That made me immediately get out of my bed, and I was overcome by a deep desperation. She just destroyed the last piece I had of Daniel, and I couldn't do anything but kneel amongst the shattered pieces of glass. They couldn't be put back together! They had severed the paper of the photo itself…_no…not my picture…anything but my picture…why my picture…_

"Stop it, Imogen, you're being pathetic," my mom said, and I just looked up at her, wondering why she was such a monster.

"You have…no right to destroy _my_ picture. That's _my_ picture that he gave _me_, that he took with _me_, when he came to visit _me_ for _my_ birthday," I shakily whispered. "Leave me alone, mom. You too, dad," not wanting to argue with them. I just wanted them gone. They had already done too much damage. And I knew this was a suggestion that they wouldn't argue with.

"Your father and I need to go start our second shift," she said, "and when we come back, I expect you to be unpacked, have cleaned up this mess of glass, and have achieved something productive, Imogen. I won't be very happy if you don't finish what I have asked you to," she added before her and my dad finally left.

_Welcome home. Missed you too. _

She had ruined my photo…it lied shattered on the floor, symbolic of my shattered relationship with Daniel, I thought, as I felt my chest heaving. She didn't love me, and neither did my dad – that's why they couldn't imagine anyone else loving me. But…she was right. Daniel stopped loving me, after everything that I did. _I was unloveable_. They…had always been right, I finally realized as I stared at the shards of glass. They were so sharp…_He'll get bored with you and leave, Imogen_…it wouldn't take much… _Have a nice life, Imogen. Don't you dare contact me again_…a nice life?...It wouldn't take much to…just be done with this…maybe if I was brought to the trauma department, they'd finally be forced to deal with me…

**Clare's POV**

** "**3703! That's it!" I exclaimed, and Eli quickly parked as all of us practically jumped out of the car.

After ringing the doorbell about a thousand times frantically, and getting no result, Daniel began swearing profusely and then Eli just looked at him and said, "On three?" and Daniel nodded. A few seconds later, the door was forced open and I could tell both of them had taken quite a hit, as they stumbled for a few steps inside the house. I stabilized Eli and Daniel quickly said, "Upstairs…her room, it must be upstairs. She was telling me about this thing how she would make stories for people driving by," he said, confusing me and Eli judging by the look on his face. However, we just followed him up the stairs, and when he opened the first door along the hallway, my heart began racing even more, if that was possible. Imogen was lying in the middle of the room, among all these shards of glass…she had smashed the photo of her and Daniel that she obviously took with her? But…why was she crying about it so? Her chest was heaving and her face was so incredibly tear stained. She was wearing a pair of pretty silky pyjamas, but they had been cut in many places from the glass, and…her hands had also been cut as well. She had so many tears in her eyes that she probably couldn't even see through them, and I saw Eli's face collapse at the sight of her at once, while Daniel remained frozen for a minute, but then he rapidly approached her and she looked up at him with large doe eyes as she said,

"How did you find me?" but she didn't sound mad. She sounded…exhausted.

"Shh, baby, it's okay," Daniel said to her, as he stepped over the glass and picked her up in his arms as she let out a painful sob. He placed a kiss on her temple as he hugged her tightly, and then he moved to her bed, sitting in the far corner, against the wall, and just holding her as I heard him softly say, "They don't deserve you. They don't deserve such a special, extraordinary girl," to her over and over again. She just wildly shook her head as Daniel grabbed some tissues from a Kleenex box from her nightstand and began cleaning her hands, placing many kisses on them as well.

"No, Daniel…_I_ don't deserve _you_," she said tearfully, and she softly added, "Clare, Eli, come sit down," and we did, the four of us just sitting on her bed, her own body resting in Daniel's lap.

"Why are you…here?" she said in between sobs, and Daniel quickly moved her hair out of her face as he rocked her slightly saying, "Because we love you and we missed you. That's all," and my heart broke at how he was saying all the right words to her, not referring to all the drama that had had happened earlier.

"How can you all still love me? All I do is hurt the people I love," she said, hiding her face in Daniel's neck as Eli instantly replied, "You don't mean to. It's different if you don't mean to, Imogen," and I immediately grabbed his hand. "You're getting help, and it'll be fine, Imogen. You're already so much better," he added.

Daniel was running his fingers through her pretty brown hair as he said, "Eli's right, baby. You're better. So much better. I got mad at you for something you did before you started seeing Dr. Sadler, it's different now. I was just…so jealous," he said, and Imogen let out another painful sob as Eli looked majorly uncomfortable and I felt my own cheeks redden furiously.

She just kept sobbing, and I saw a pretty bejewelled hairbrush lying on her night table, which made me instantly think of how soothing it always felt when my grandma or mom, or even Eli's mom would brush my hair, so I reached for it and moved closer to Imogen.

"It'll be fine, Imogen, we'll figure it out," I told her as I began taming her long locks, and I saw Eli give me such a loving look as I proceeded to brush her hair. She eventually came out of Daniel's embrace and positioned herself so it was easier for me, and I held her hand for a little while as her sobs eventually subsided.

I felt Eli move off the bed and he said, "Where can I find a broom and dustpan, Imogen?" and she gently replied, "Kitchen downstairs". Eli left the room and returned a few minutes later and my heart swelled when I saw him clean up the glass, making sure to get it all. There was one large piece left though, and as the broom was not picking it up successfully, Eli frowned and bent down to pick it up, and I felt my heart drop when I heard him say, "Dammit," and he quickly brought his hand to his mouth.

I quickly went over to him and took his hand in mine, and I noticed that his cut was pretty large, so I immediately gasped as he said, "Oh, Clare, it's not that bad," but I rushed into the hallway and found a bathroom, and much to my relief, it had a lot of first aid supplies, so I grabbed some gauze pads, some disinfectant, and a bandage, and I made Eli rest on Imogen's bed while I fixed his hand, placing a gentle kiss over it as a final blessing.

I noticed that Daniel had taken over my job and he was gently brushing her hair as he was whispering some words in her ear that much to my delight brought a small smile to her face. I was relieved that he was breaking his earlier decision to not speak to her tonight – all it took was one look to see how distraught she was and he…was there for her. I saw her rest her head on his chest as he kissed her temple again, and fear invaded her voice as she said, "So, Daniel…we're…friends now?" and Daniel pulled her little deeper into him as he replied, "What are you talking about, love? We've always been the best of friends," and he placed a gentle kiss on her lips, as Eli and I both looked away, meeting each other's eyes.

I heard Imogen sigh and let out a whimper as she said, "I'm going to try so hard," conviction lacing her voice.

"You are already are, baby," Daniel assured her. "We'll figure it all out. You'll get stronger, you already are. You don't deserve what you put yourself through," he continued, and I gave Eli's hands a squeeze as he said that. Eli also definitely didn't deserve everything he put himself through, and I really wished I could show him that. I wished I could chase all those fears away about me never forgiving him, still being scared of him, and leaving him for someone else who at first glance might seem more compatible with me, but I knew it would be a process that would take time.

"Do you want me to stay here with you tonight, Imogen?" Daniel asked, and I could feel my cheeks blushing. "On the couch," he quickly added.

"Is that okay?" she softly asked, and he assured her there's no place he'd rather be. I gave her a warm hug and whispered, "Let's not worry about the past, okay? We all have fun futures to look forward to," and I saw a tear fall down her face as she breathed, "Thank you, Clare. You're an angel". Eli didn't hug her, but he just squeezed her arm and said, "Take good care of this fool," gesturing towards Daniel and the two boys finally exchanged that long over-due fist bump as Imogen and I giggled in response.

Once we were back in the Jeep, Eli and I called Dr. Sadler to explain everything, and she told us that it was good that Daniel was staying with her and that it was fine that Imogen wouldn't be coming to see her tonight after all, and she told us she would be contacting her in the morning, and beginning to do sessions with her parents as well, information which Eli and I were both pleased to hear. Dr. Sadler told us that she was familiar with who her parents were, and that all it would take was just one strongly worded letter saying other doctors in their department wouldn't be happy to hear if they refused her invitation to come in with their daughter. I was really relieved to hear that, because I had worried about whether or not Imogen's parents would just simply brush off her therapy, but I knew their reputation at the hospital was the one thing they'd never risk and it appeared Dr. Sadler thought along the same lines.

**Eli's POV**

Wow. That was s_o _not the direction I expected this night to go in. I thought Clare and I could just have a nice movie night after finals, but I really am glad that everything ended well with Imogen, and I am really happy to heart that Dr. Sadler will be calling in her parents for therapy sessions, because they seem to be the root of all of Imogen's problems. I know that having my parents come with me to some sessions was beneficial, mostly because I just found it so incredibly draining to always recount for them what Dr. Sadler and I would talk about – if they were there I never had to. I know they also found them important, because they had felt really guilty about the way everything happened, no matter how much I kept telling them that it wasn't their fault.

I parked the Jeep in its usual spot, and I felt the calm of being back at U of T come over me, and I could tell that Clare was beginning to relax a lot more as well. I embraced her in a hug and just tightly held her for a few minutes after we both exited the Jeep and whispered, "I love you. You're so amazing," in her ear, and she spoke up, saying, "I love you too," and we both squeezed each other snugly, and I knew she was just as relieved everything had gone well tonight as I was.

"Walk you to Annesley?" I asked Clare, after noticing that it was now after 10pm.

"I don't want to go to Annesley yet," she softly said, and I involuntarily flashed her a smirk.

"Do you think we can get some coffee, go for a walk, and then you can come to my apartment for a bit? Alli went home already, you know that," she said, as she intertwined our hands, making me an offer I couldn't refuse.

"Sounds great," and we headed in the direction of Bulldog Coffee. I really liked walking around campus with Clare at night – the air was so cool and crisp, and it felt like a completely different world from the usual mad rush of the day, although it definitely still had a collegiate feel to it, which is what I think we both loved the most. I also adored the way in which she would walk as closely to me as possible at night, and I knew this was because she wasn't really used to being out so late on her own. I knew the only time she would go on these night walks was with me, and I was happy to hear that. I didn't want her wandering the dark streets on her own, and I knew she wouldn't do that, otherwise I am not sure I would be able to get any sleep.

"I love it here," Clare softly sighed as we rested on the edge of the fountain at 1 Spaldina Avenue. She giggled a bit as she said, "Eli…when you gave me that campus tour and told me the story about the World War II soldier who reunited with the French nurse in this exact location…were you trying to send me a subliminal message?" and I felt her hands lightly grazing my chest.

"No way, I was way too terrified of doing that at that point," I honestly answered. "It was a true campus story, I just thought you should know it. But the fact that it makes you think of me right away only proves that you are head over heels in love with me," I teased her.

She rewarded me with a laugh and said, "Well, I loved it anyway. You know, I loved campus so much more right after you showed me around. That was the day that for the first time, I imagined myself as a university student…at U of T," she let me know, and I slipped my hand under her shirt and began rubbing circles across her back, and I almost instantly felt her skin develop goose bumps. It was adorable how my touch would still fluster her, so I leaned in and gave her a slow kiss that I heard her moan into, a little to my surprise.

"Let's go now," she said, standing up and leading me back to Annesley.

**Clare's POV**

Eli and I were just cuddled on my bed soon after we got to my apartment, and he was twirling my curls around his fingers in that special way of his that sent tingles all through my body. I placed a kiss to his injured hand and I felt him sigh contently; I knew he was relieved a busy semester was over and now summer lied ahead. Eli had to take a few classes to stay on top of his double major, and he had decided to change jobs for the summer and accept an offer working as a research assistant for Dr. Gifford, as part of his plan for making his acceptance to grad school more likely. I was glad to be returning to Big Brothers as a grant writer, but it felt really strange to think of working there without Eli. He was technically still a staff member as he stayed on as a consultant and he would be returning for part time during the school year; and I actually had his old job as leader of the grant writing efforts. Barb had called us in for a special meeting, and the smile on her face when Eli confirmed that we were still dating was as big as I had ever seen it. She had assured him that it would be a good idea to take the job with Dr. Gifford, and that it wouldn't affect his part time employment during the school year; she said that whenever either of us wanted a job with Big Brothers, all we had to do was tell her. She was so motherly and so kind; one of the kindest people I had met in my entire life.

I was now holding an ice pack to Eli's mouth, and I must have placed about one hundred kisses to his broken lip, at his insistence that he "couldn't feel the ice pack in that one spot, strangely".

"Mmmm, how about this – can you feel this?" I told him one more time before leaning in for a kiss, as he placed his hand on my lower back to prevent me from pulling out.

"Uh huh, I can _definitely _feel that," he said, a wide smirk spreading across his face as he pulled away.

"Always the fighter," I teased him before giving him another kiss and running my tongue teasingly across his cut.

"Hey – he started it," Eli playfully said, "and if it would have been worth an actual fight, I would have been the one that would've killed," he added.

"I know, Mr. Micky Ward, I know," I reassured him before leaning in for an extra kiss and beginning to wonder if the good care that I was taking of him would cause him to go out looking for a punch or two every so often.

"I could get used to this," he sighed, practically reading my mind as I lightly slapped his shoulder in response.

"Eli!" I chastised him, but he only chuckled and ran his hand down my arm as I snuggled into his side.

I moved a little and I just looked into his eyes as he raised an eyebrow at me playfully and I whispered, "I love you. You're so good to me," and he just silenced me with a kiss. I knotted my fingers in his hair as I towered over him, and I saw his eyes widen a bit when I removed his shirt at once. I slowly traced the patterns of his abdominal muscles with my hands before placing a series of kisses down his chest, and I felt myself squeal when he flipped us over and slipped my blouse off quickly. He smiled at me as my breathing increased and I could no longer control my whimpers when he placed kisses all over my chest, sliding the sides of my bra off as well, but whispering in my ear, "Don't worry, I'm not going to take it off. We need to make some things special. Wedding night," and I was so overcome with emotion at realizing that we agreed on this point without ever having to discuss it that I brought his lips up to meet mine and gave him a long kiss.

I gestured for him to sit up against the headboard of the bed, and he listened, but he cast me a curious gaze. I resumed my series of kisses as I crawled onto his lap and I placed my arms around his neck as Eli gave me many quick kisses, tangling his fingers in my curls. I heard him exhale deeply as he said, "God Clare, I love you so much. Being with you like this…the fact that you trust me like this…it means…so much". I grinned up at him in response as I whispered, "I love you, Eli, and I trust you…with everything," and I slowly slid my hand down his chest, running my fingers along the waistband of his jeans before I moved my hand to his belt buckle, which caused Eli's eyes to fly wide open from their previous half-lidded state as he said, "Whoa, just on there. You don't have to," and the insistence in his eyes told me he wasn't just saying that because he thought it was what he should, but that he really meant it. I felt him slowly massage my thighs under my skirt, and I couldn't help but rest my head back at the overwhelming sensation, and I felt Eli one of Eli's hands move to my hair move a little to support my head.

"Oh, Eli, I-I…" I struggled to say, but all I could express right in this moment had to be achieved through a kiss.

He pulled our bodies closer together as his hands gently massaged my chest and my head fell against the crook of his neck as I breathed heavily, and I could fell his own erratic breathing against my almost bare back. I arched my back into him, and I knew I wanted to experience this with him, so I ran my hand down his chest again as I whispered, "I want to, Eli, b-but…I've never done this before," I told him, and I felt myself blush about ten different shades of red.

I felt him gasp before he said, "We-we…d-don't have to," but I slipped my hand past his belt this time, as I assertively repeated, "I want to…be with you like this," and he brought our lips together and gave me a patient, but deep kiss that seemed to communicate that we had all the time in the world and that I didn't need to be afraid, and I was happy to see that after he flashed me another inquiring look. I slowly nodded, and helped him as he took his jeans off, and soon his black boxers were the only thing he was left wearing.

I felt him gently massage my arms as he said, "They're staying on, don't worry," and I placed another series of kisses on his neck as I slipped my hand inside of them and watched his facial expressions and his involuntary moans for clues…a process that was rather easy, as Eli was like an open book, and the way his eyes closed and occasionally fluttered open told me he was beginning to feel completely overwhelmed rather quickly. He soon captured my lips again, this time giving me a much more urgent kiss as I felt his entire body tense a little before he started to shake uncontrollably and he quickly pulled my hand away from his body as he gasped and breathed erratically. My own breathing was very irregular by this point, and I brushed his bangs away from his eyes as he stared back as me, still trembling a little, and I was a little taken aback by the clear intensity of what he had just experienced, knowing that it was fully caused by my actions…and the way he felt about me emotionally. He was breathing really heavily and my name escaped his lips several times and I gently motioned for him to lay back down across my bed, which he slowly did, and I snuggled into his side as he pulled me closer and placed a soft kiss on my cheek.

"Oh, Clare," he sighed, and his eyes were still half-lidded, "you're just…so beautiful and perfect in every way…you're too much," he said, complete exhaustion in his voice.

"Was that…okay?" I shyly asked him, and in that moment he opened his eyes completely and said, "Look at me," and I listened, even thought I knew my face was flaming. Eli was still breathing a little heavily as he said, "That…was _so_ much better than okay. It was really _really_ amazing – the best ever, really - but it's not _the _reason why being with you is amazing. That has nothing to do with the things that happen in a bed," he meaningfully told me, "but it means the world to me that you do trust me like this," he repeated as he kissed my forehead and whispered, "I love you". I handed him a few tissues and he shot me an apologetic look as he went into the washroom for a few minutes, coming back and pulling me into a hug as he rested on the bed.

I placed my hand on his chest as I said, "I love you too," and I raised my hand a little so I could give him a proper kiss. His breathing calmed down soon after, and I just played with his hair as he ran his fingers up and down my arm. A significant amount of time later, he sighed as he said, "I hate to leave you, but…I should go back to my dorm," and I just hung onto him tighter.

"I don't want you to go, you could just sleep over here…you know, just sleep," I said.

"I really want to," Eli responded, "but…I should go back to my own place, have a shower…"

"You can…shower here," I said, but I knew Eli could feel my hesitation.

"Thank you, Clare…but…as special as this night was and I'll forever remember it, trust me…it would be so special if we had…more things to look forward to, you know?" Eli slowly said as his fingers traced my curves absent mindedly.

"Like…on a wedding night?" I blurted out, wanting Eli to know that despite the fact that we were so young, this was a possibility I thought about…for someday.

"That…would be the biggest joy of my life," he sighed, and I felt my eyes tear up at hearing him say that out loud. "Um…marriage - I mean, not the other thing. Not that that wouldn't be awesome, but…" he was awkwardly stuttering now, so I just gave him a slow kiss, whispering, "I know what you mean, Eli," as I pulled away.

It was difficult, but eventually he got ready to go and I returned to my bed on my own, a little sad to have him gone, but convinced that it was the right thing to do…just as I was about our latest step.

**Eli's POV**

"You ready?" I asked Clare, Adam, Lana and Alli after they had put away the dishes we had used for lunch – we needed to get ready to watch some important game of Drew's – he was playing on a Toronto summer league and they had advanced through many rounds of whatever. I think it was the finals? Something like that.

We had all met at my house because I was going to drive and my house was pretty close to everyone else's. We got into the Jeep – after waiting for Alli to reapply her make up after eating, of course – and Adam fought tenaciously for our right to listen to Dead Hand on the way there, and he won the battle with Alli much to my delight. I'm pretty sure we'll be subjected to her top 40s preferences on the way back, but at least that was hours away. Clare was sitting the front seat and I teased her by winking at her every time a red light came on, but she only unsuccessfully attempted to hide behind her bags and she was playing with the rings on my right hand as she held it tightly.

"So, what game is this?" Alli asked Adam.

"Regional finals," he said.

"Drew should consider himself lucky he's bringing so many fans," I muttered as Adam laughed in response.

"What position does your brother play?" Lana asked, and I knew she was a little nervous about tonight. Adam's parents would also be at the game, and Adam's mom knew who she was, and she'd shoot her all these dirty glances all the time that reduced the usually confident Lana to a shy and just so…sad shell of the person she usually was. When she came to Adam's graduation, she practically hid behind my shoulders the entire time. Mrs. Torres' behaviour infuriated me to the core, and I was worried, because I didn't see an end to her attitude anytime soon. And I could kind of tell that Lana's feelings on this topic were very confused, and possibly changing as her relationship with Adam got more and more serious.

"Quarterback," Adam answered.

"That's how he got that humongous ego," Alli said playfully, and I had heard about her dating history with Drew from Clare, but I was pretty sure that that was in the past. Alli seemed pretty happy with her boyfriend Chris, who was completely wrapped around her little finger, but I knew she was a little sad he was in Vancouver for the summer.

We got to the stadium quickly and I let everyone out of the car while Clare stayed with me as I found parking, and then we walked hand in hand to where everyone else was sitting after grabbing two lemonades. The game was taking place at a pretty nice outdoor stadium in Toronto; it was a nice hot summer day and we were all having a good time as we watched the team take the field and the game started. Football wasn't exactly my thing, but it turned out to be pretty entertaining to watch as the score stayed pretty close for the entire length of the game. In the end, Drew's team won, and he did have a couple of excellent moments that pleased the crowd as well as Bianca, who I was actually impressed to see was still with Drew. She had also gone to McGill in Montreal, and I guess things had worked out for them. She actually sat on the other side of Clare from me, and all of a sudden I heard her blurt out,

"What ever happened to Jake?" as Clare shyly answered, "We broke up".

Bianca kept pushing however, asking her, "Bummer. Do you still talk to him?"

Clare immediately answered, "No. He…wasn't a very nice guy".

Bianca shrugged and said, "Whatever. Do you have another boyfriend now?" and Clare took my hand as she said with a smile, "Eli, of course," and I guess that answer should have made me happy, but I couldn't help but be left with a bitter taste in my mouth. Just the way my dad always made fun of the way I had apparently 'chased' Clare for so long…and she kind of took off running in the other direction faster than the speed of light – Bullfrog never said that, but I couldn't help but add it mentally every time he joked with me like that.

I don't know if Clare picked up on it, because she scooted over closer to me and placed my arm around her shoulder and she placed a chaste kiss on my lips as she said, "I love you," and I gave her a smirk in return, reminding myself a few times to focus on the present, and hopefully the future, and not to dwell on the past.

At the end of the game, I narrowed my eyes when I saw Mrs. Torres approach us and she greeted each of us individually and thanked us for coming and supporting Drew, and sure enough, I saw Lana look down at the ground and she hid her body a little behind me as I gave her a small smile, and I saw Clare lock arms with her.

Mrs. Torres wasn't appearing to have any of it, though, and she quickly came up in front of us and I gave her a polite greeting and Clare did the same, and then I braced myself for the little snobby way in which she would say hi to Lana.

"Lana, so nice of you to come as well," she started as Lana replied, "Of course, I loved it," and then Mrs. Torres continued, "I was actually hoping you would join us for a celebratory family dinner right now," and I saw Clare gave me an astonished look that I knew must have been reflected in my own face. As for Adam, he definitely mouthed a silent _boo-yeah _in our direction, and I couldn't help but flash him a smirk in return.

Lana herself looked shell-shocked, and she incredously replied, "I wouldn't want to impose, Mrs. Torres, but thank you so much for thinking of me," and I was relieved to see that Mrs. Torres' insistence was actually put to good use this time around as she said, "Nonsense, dear. You should be there". Although it was barely discernable, I could tell that Lana's eyes were slightly tearing up as she quickly said, "Okay. I'd love to, thank you so much," and her cheeks were flushed as a huge smile spread across her face.

I felt Clare grab my hand and she gave it a squeeze as she let out an incredibly adorable squeal, the perfect manifestation of…everyone's excitement at seeing something that we thought would never come to fruition. It appeared that Mrs. Torres was finally on board, and I knew this would have a tremendous effect on Lana's fears, leaving her relationship with Adam in a very good spot.

It took Adam three hours to settle down after returning from the celebratory family dinner to calm down, despite many hits of the couch pillows that he received from me; whenever Adam wouldn't sleep, no one would – this was something I had quickly come to learn in our first few weeks of sharing an apartment, but I couldn't really hold it against him tonight. I hoped Clare's parents felt the same way about me, and I was pretty sure that they did like me – and at least they now knew more about me than they first learned at that original disastrous dinner that we all had during Clare's short-lived rebellious phase.

**Clare's POV**

"Okay, let's get you ready to rock," Alli said as she diligently entered my room right as it was time for me to get ready for the AC/DC concert, and I was incredibly giddy and excited. She had come over to my house just to help me get ready, and I really was grateful for how thoughtful that was on her part.

Alli opened my closet door as she said, "So, how far are we going?" as she raised her eyebrows.

"_Not _far at all," I sternly said. "I don't want to look…trashy," I told her. "I actually bought…this black skirt," I said, pulling it out of my closet and holding it up for her as she gave me an approving look. "It's perfect, Clare. It's not too short but a bit shorter than you opt for. Eli's gonna love it," she added with a mischievous wink that made me blush instantly.

"And I was thinking of pairing it with these black tights," I told her, as I held out a sleek pair that had slightly emphasized silky stripes running vertically along them, "and with this blue shirt, and then I could wear my leather jacket on top?" I asked Alli.

"Which leather jacket? You have one of those?" she said, a slight look of surprise on her face.

I shyly admitted, "I…bought one recently. I've kind of…wanted one for a while now, and my mom and I were at the mall recently, and she said this one fit me really well, and she actually bought it for me," and I put it on so Alli could see it.

"It's gorgeous, Clare! I love it, it's so nice, such a nice cut, really flattering," she encouraged me. "But go put everything on so I can tell how it looks together, and then I'll do your make-up," she instructed me and I followed her instructions.

When I came out of the washroom, Alli immediately squealed and clapped her hands excitedly as she said, "Yes! This is the outfit, you look perfect! Rocker but so classy at the same time – you look great, Clare. Now it's make-up time!" and I gave her a small hug in response. I couldn't help but get more and more excited by the minute, and I loved the smoky eyes that Alli expertly gave me; they made my eyes stand out so much more and I knew my eyes were one of my features that Eli loved the most. She placed a shiny gloss on my lips that gave them a light bit of pink colour as well, and I really liked the complete package as I slipped on a pair of black shoes with a small platform heel.

My slightly different look was getting me in the concert mood, although I really wasn't sure what to expect. Eli had put their songs on my iPOD, and I really did like them, and I diligently learned the lyrics quickly, knowing that this was one of the hottest tickets in town and everyone there would be die-hard fans. Eli sure was. I inserted some hairspray in my curls – I had arranged them so they were a little more bouncy tonight, and just as Alli was telling me to have a great time, I heard Eli knock at the door. I quickly grabbed my small black purse and opened the door and I couldn't help but bite my lip and smile at the way his eyes widened when he saw me and he immediately said, "Wow. You look amazing. Everyone's gonna be so jealous of me, I'm definitely the luckiest guy out of 60, 000 people tonight," and he gave me an eager kiss. I felt him reach just a little under my skirt as he teased the skin along the back of my thighs, and I giggled at the sensation as I slowly pulled away.

I grabbed his hand and interlocked our fingers as I told him, "I'm really excited, Eli, I think it's going to be so fun," and his smirk only spread wider as he said, "It's going to be awesome – your first rock concert is AC/DC, I don't think it gets much better than that".

"I love you," I softly told him in response, as I pushed him against the wall and gave him a heated kiss that was really a manifestation of how excited I was for tonight. As I pulled away, Eli smugly said, "Now _that's_ what I'm talking about; _someone's _in the rock and roll mood," and we proceeded to make our way to the Jeep.

Several red lights later, as we parked in the arena's designated spots, most of my lip gloss was now on Eli's lips, and I was just wiping it off before we left the car. I teased him, "I don't think we can play the red light game anymore, Eli, I'm going to go broke always buying lip gloss". He pretended to be devastated at the news as he gave me another kiss and after he told me, "I'll gladly share the cost with you," tugging a little on my lower lip as he pulled away, and I laughed in response. After I was successful in reapplying my lip gloss and ensuring Eli didn't have any on his lips, we headed in the elevator up to the proper level.

"Do you want to take something in with us to drink or eat maybe?" I heard Eli ask as he gestured towards the many options available.

"Sure, let's do it – those pretzels look amazing," I answered, and we ended up buying drinks and the German-style pretzels turned out to be just as great as they looked.

Eli also insisted on buying me an AC/DC shirt, getting one for himself as well, telling me that it could be "evidence that I really had been here," and I couldn't argue with that. I knew he had been looking forward to his night for months, and so had I…I knew he wanted it to be perfect and special and I knew it would be.

He led me into the appropriate entrance for our seats, and I gasped when I saw the huge size of the arena from the inside and the flashing lights that made everything feel so…amazing. Everyone was just brimming with excitement, and after the opening bands played, the lights completely went off in the stadium, and I felt Eli wrap his arms around me in the complete darkness as he whispered in my ear, "Here we go". I gave him an excited squeeze as the sound of electric guitars came bursting through, strobe lights electrified the entire arena, and I could tell that they were starting with "Thunderstruck," so I leaned back to excitedly yell that into Eli's ear. I could see his green eyes sparkling a bit in the dark, as he replied, "That's my girl!"

**Eli's POV**

"Oh my God, and the guitar playing! And the lights! And the...energy! Most amazing thing ever," my girl excitedly said as I was walking her back to Annesley. I really had no idea what her reaction to an AC/DC concert would be – she had told me she liked their songs after I had put them on her iPOD – but I never expected her to be quite so into it all – she kept sharing her impressions during the entire ride, and I could tell she had loved every bit of the night, and I couldn't be any happier. She also looked incredibly stunning tonight – her eyes were even more captivating, something I thought would never be possible – and she had been quite adventurous for the entire night; she didn't seem scared by the more interesting people that had come out, and she kept our bodies close throughout the entire concert, slipping her fingers into the side belt loops of my jeans as she drew me closer to her a number of times.

I was looking at her in amusement as we eventually reached her door and we shared a few heated good bye kisses before she ran her fingers through my hair and said, "Thank you for tonight. It was so amazing, and I hope we can do it again when the next good show comes to town," words that made my heart skip a beat.

"We sure can, Clare. Who knew you'd be a feisty little rock goddess?" I teased her, but she pressed a finger to my lips as she replied, "_You_ did, Eli, of course. You took me to this," her voice completely serious as she stole one last kiss, sending me completely over the moon.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review! Would love to hear if you are still reading!**


	34. Candle In the Wind

**Hi lovely readers! So long AN here: Sorry this chapter has taken me a little longer than usual to put up…here's why: the promos and episode descriptions are really getting to me. It's like…the more I think about it, the more I become unsure of whether Eli and Clare will reunite. I am happy that at least Jake seems to come into the picture before Imogen, because that kind of only proves just how horrible Clare will continue to be with Eli and I'm glad it's not the other way around bc I am Team Eli at this point…I know she might try to reach out to him, but what does she expect? She devastated and embarrassed him, and he is coping his own way – he has every right to. Looks like Clare's coping is making out with Jake – awesome! If Eli sees that, why shouldn't he go for Imogen? I'd be fully on board, but…Imogen's manipulative ways scare me. Also, she is a total shape shifter…her looks from one preview to the next are so different…it kind of unnerves me; Eli's vulnerability has huge manipulation potential, especially if he shares personal details with her! And I think she meets him as he is writing that school play and she might be the lead in it…which would make sense. Where else would Eli meet a girl? But what is happening to the Clare that we all know and love? So I'm just not so sure if we will get a reunion or just closure. So when I'm in that state of mind, it's weird and hard to write…especially because there are so many parallels between my story and the stuff in the promos. I'm just really sad, basically, because I'm afraid of where the writers are taking them, and the longer they spend with other people the more I won't like the idea of a reunion. The only thing I ship at this point is happy Eli, and hopefully Clare doesn't go off the rails with Jake. But some of her giggly Jake behaviour with Alli is really stepping on my nerves. BUT that is NOT the Clare in this story, so I hope you can do what I managed to do when writing and suspend your disbelief accordingly. Do you think they will get back together? I'd love to hear your thoughts. I meant to carry this story through to close to the show as a bit of help for us all…get our Degrassi fix, but with all this stuff coming out it's hard. Let me know your thoughts?**

**I would like to thank everyone who took the time to review…you are all that is keeping me going at this point: eclarefan13, MelissaIsLame, Ambiguous21, skygoldsworthy, ilovetaylorswift13, Eclare070897, musiksnob, iloveeliandclare, MartinaAxi, deena, Lizbit, EmandEms, eclarefan13 (the Scotty and Dylan scene in here is in your honor), xxtechno3loverxx, risaisbrilbril, Julsgracie (friend! I am trying to respond to your email everyday but the website won't let me PM you!), eclarerocks, MissLizzie97 (Daniel kissed Imogen on the lips last chapter and called her 'love,' so yes, they were back together, but Imogen will tell you herself in this chapter!), Ohmyapplepie21, and my rockstar reviewer StalkerAngel of course! **

**Question: Is my reader Cool Person out there still? I miss your reviews!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any of the real-world references I happen to make.**

**Imogen's POV**

I had just picked up my luggage from the circulating belt, hoping I had brought enough things with me for the next weeks; I had packed in a rush. Daniel had returned home for the summer and he had asked me to come visit for the last two weeks of August because he said…he missed me too much. We had taken things slowly ever since that horrible night…I had been so surprised that not only had he and Eli and Clare come to find me and that Daniel didn't stop talking to me like he said he wanted to, but that he assured me that we were back together right away. I know it was because he had found me so distraught but I really meant what I said to him about working at this every day.

Ever since that night, we didn't have any more problems, and I couldn't believe it when he said he was going to come to some of my sessions with Dr. Sadler as well. He did so and Dr. Sadler's help really helped us sort through some things as well, and what was even harder to believe than that was that Dr. Sadler even convinced my parents to come to a few of the sessions. I knew they only came because Dr. Sadler had connections to Toronto General and they were afraid she would tarnish their reputation if they never showed up…because they were very un co-operative at the sessions, and Daniel would always make sure to call me after he knew I had had a session with them…his sensitivity and love for me often brought tears to my eyes, because…_no one had ever loved me like that before_. That's why what I did to him is the biggest regret of my life; I could have lost him so easily, and I am so incredibly lucky he took me back so quickly. And I am also lucky that Eli is a good guy; if something would have actually happened, I know Daniel would have never forgiven me. Dear God, I don't want to screw it up again. And the fact that he invited me to come to his home in Ottawa again meant so much to me; I loved his family; he had three brothers and his parents were very nice. They both worked for the Canadian government on Parliament Hill and his mother was especially sweet to me; I have no idea if Daniel had told them about my parents, but…Daniel's mom was the type of mother I wanted to become one day; the type of mother I never had.

As soon as I crossed over into the waiting area of the airport, I saw him waiting for me and I quickly ran into his open arms and noticed that he had picked up some daisies for me.

"Baby, you're finally here," I heard him sigh as he patted my hair down. He then gave me a long and loving kiss that I involuntarily moaned into, much to his amusement.

"I missed you," I quickly breathed. "Thanks so much for inviting me here, Daniel," I told him and he placed a kiss on my forehead in response.

"Of course. I missed you so much; I love that we talked every day, but this…_this_ is so much better," he added as he picked up my bag and we started walking out of the airport. "But I wasn't the only one who missed you – everyone's been asking about you, and when they knew you were coming in today, they actually came to the airport as well," he said, a slow smile spreading over his face as I saw his family outside the airport and I couldn't help but grin up at him. I couldn't believe it! His parents were there – I could see his dad playfully punching the shoulder of one of his brothers, and by the look on his mom's face I could tell that she was telling them to cut it out.

As soon as they saw us, Daniel's brothers exploded in a mass of, "Yeah! She's finally here!" and "Now Daniel can finally stop moping around!" and "Imogen, you're going fishing with us tomorrow, hope you're ready" and a whole bunch of other things that I was no longer able to hear as they all started talking over each other despite Daniel's mother's attempts to get them to settle down. The oldest of the brothers quickly gave me a hug and picked me up playfully, saying, "Let's go now!"

I felt Daniel place his arm around my waist as soon as I was out of his brothers' embrace and he whispered in my ear, "You ready to go home, babe?" and I placed a kiss on his cheek in response. I was _so _ready to go…home. It sounded right, and even sitting in between all of the Patterson boys on the thirty minute drive from the airport as they obnoxiously sang some of those ridiculous car ride songs just to show off for me felt so...right.

As soon as we got to the house, Daniel grabbed my bag out of the back of the car and I heard his mom say,

"Sweetheart, come with me and I'll show you your room – we've done some remodelling since the last time you were here, so you'll be in a different room this time," she informed with a smile as she gave me quick hug, complaining that in the boys' mess of a display at the airport she never got the chance to.

"Thank you for having me in your home, Mrs. Patterson," I shyly told her. Daniel's mom was a very affectionate lady, but I couldn't help but be embarrassed at all the work she was doing…having me in her house…setting up a room just for me…

"Now - I don't see my mother in law anywhere, Imogen – and we can thank the Lord for that, believe me," she said with a grimace, "No more of this Mrs. Patterson nonsense, love, call me Nora," and I reluctantly agreed.

She led up to the room, told me a few specifics about the shower in the connecting bathroom, and just before she left, I saw her hesitate in the door way, and then she turned around and said,

"Sweetheart, I'm really glad you're here and I want these two weeks to be a vacation for you, all right? Daniel told me you worked all summer. You don't know Ottawa all that well, I know you've been here before, but now you can get to know it even better. I know my son will selfishly want you all to himself while you're here, but I was hoping we could do some things together as well; after over twenty years with just three boys…well, let's just say it's been a while since I've been to the mall and could look at just pretty stores as opposed to have a million groceries to pick up," and upon hearing her say that I felt my eyes tear up.

"Of course…Nora. I love the mall," I shyly added.

"Perfect, then, it's settled. I won't steal you from Daniel right away, but maybe on Saturday?" she asked and I immediately nodded in response.

"Well, I can't wait, then. Now, you take all the time you need to settle in and then whenever you're ready, dinner will be downstairs," she said and I couldn't help but rush over to her to give her another hug and I hoped she couldn't feel me shakily tremble into it, but the look she gave me as she walked away kind of told me that she had.

I spent the next few minutes beginning to unpack before I heard Daniel burst into the room and he immediately came over and picked me up, twirled me around the room and we spent a large portion of the next twenty minutes just kissing.

"Missed you," he breathed as he pulled away, "and now my family is stealing you," he added with a playful irritated tone.

"I love your family," I said at once, "but no one could ever steal me from _you_," I added before I leaned in for another kiss.

"I love you, Imogen," Daniel softly told me and he ran his hands through my hair gently as I replied, "I love you too, Daniel. So much".

"So I was thinking tomorrow I could show you the Rideau Canal, go out for dinner…" he told me and I grinned up at him in response.

"Sounds amazing," I confirmed as I snuggled deeper into his side.

"Do you need help unpacking?" he asked, adding, "Sorry - I kind of came in and distracted you".

"_You _are always welcome to come in and distract me," I replied as I tapped his nose, "But I think I'm good. I did notice something I forgot to pack already though – you'd think with all the travelling that I have done that I would become an expert packer, but you know, there hasn't been one single trip on which I haven't forgotten something important," I told him.

"What'd you forget?" he asked.

"Pyjamas," I admitted.

"Not a problem, baby, I'll drive you to the mall close by and we can grab some. Let's go!" he said, pulling me towards the door excitedly.

"We don't have to go right now," I chuckled.

"No, let's do it – my mom wants to take you to the mall on the week-end she was saying, but that's too far away and this will just be a quick run, what I think she wants to do with you is one of those girly days with the spa and all – Dear God, this one time she tried to take us all to the mall, and it was a complete disaster. We were a few years younger, and…" he said, but he stopped as laughter soon overcame him.

"And what happened?" I asked curiously.

"Well, it was all four of us at the same time – without my dad, just my mom – so you can imagine. Let's just say that mall security was involved," he got out in between fits of laughter that I soon joined in.

After we returned from the mall and I safely had a pair of pyjamas, Daniel's mom called us in for dinner, and once we had finished and I helped her clear the table and do the dishes, everyone headed into the living room to watch the news together like they always did. This was a little habit of theirs that I absolutely adored; particularly the heated comments that came from both of Daniel's parents on any piece of news that involved government actions.

Daniel's dad playfully said, "That's okay, as soon as they bring the lawyers in," and he shot a playful glare at Daniel, "it'll all get worked out".

I gave Daniel's hand a little squeeze as I said, "I just can't believe how fast college has gone by; it's our last year now and pretty soon Daniel will be doing law school".

"That's _if _I get in," he quickly specified.

I immediately assured him, "Oh, you will; of course you will; your LSAT score was so good," I reminded him. Daniel had tested in a very high percentile, and the day he called me to tell me his score was really nerve racking for me as I knew just how important it was; so when he told me the good news I couldn't be any more delighted.

Daniel's dad also added, "Imogen's right, son. You'll get in," and he flashed him an encouraging smile.

After the news came to an end, we settled on a movie, but I could feel myself drifting off to sleep embarrassingly early; I was quite tired from my flight.

I heard Daniel's mother softly say, "Daniel, take the poor girl to her room, she's exhausted," and I jolted, quickly saying, "No, no, I'm fine, and there's something I want to do first," and Daniel and the rest of his family shot me confused glances.

"I'll be right back," I told them, quickly running up to the room that I was staying in and grabbing the presents that I had bought for each member of his family as a small thank you for being so gracious and opening their home up to me. They didn't realize it…but they were giving me the best vacation that I had had in my entire life. No four star resorts needed, just…watching the news together after dinner…_I loved that_.

I was pleased that not only was everyone surprised with their presents, but they were also delighted with what I had gotten them; my favourite reaction was from Daniel's mom; she loved the delicate gold necklace I had bought for her, and her husband playfully told me that that was the best thing I could have ever picked up for her, because apparently she had forbidden him to get her jewellery for their anniversary and her birthday, because she had quickly figured out that his taste in picking pieces out was…"not the best," as he put it himself.

After the excitement of the present openings had died down, Daniel's mom repeated her earlier instructions and he gently led me to my room and tucked me in, placing a kiss on my forehead just before he left the room, leaving me grinning and feeling so…_loved_.

I was really grateful that both Daniel and I had ended our summer work around the same time, because he didn't have to go into work during my time in Ottawa, and we spent a lot of our day times out as he showed me the many parks and historic landmarks around the capital city, and before I knew it, three days had already gone by and I was getting ready to go to the mall with his mom.

I took one last look at the red dress that I chose to wear before I headed downstairs and Nora was waiting for me with a warm smile.

"You ready, sweetheart?" she asked. "I thought we might stop by a Starbucks drive through first, I could use one of those caramel macchiatos - does that sound good?"

"I love Starbucks, that sounds great," I assured her, and much to my disappointment when we got there she didn't let me pay for the drinks.

Once we got to the mall, I could definitely tell that poor Nora definitely did have four boys, as I showed her around some of the cooler, but still age appropriate stores for her, and she would often remark that she had wanted to go into one or another, but that she never had time. Both of us ended up buying quite a few clothes and we had lunch in the food court before we left and just like Daniel had anticipated, his mom said she would love to go for manicures and pedicures as well, so she drove us over to a really cute spa, and it turns out that the woman who ran it was an old childhood friend of hers, because just as we walked into the door they hugged.

"Nora! So lovely to see you here! This must be Daniel's girlfriend!" the spa owner exclaimed, and I was impressed to see that apparently she knew I was coming to town.

Daniel's mom quickly replied, "She is; I'd like you to meet Imogen," she said, and the lady gave me a hug as well.

"Oh, lovely to meet you dear, I am so excited to see Nora finally coming in here!" she continued, "So, we have you set up right over here," she said, gesturing towards two empty chairs, "and we're all ready for the mother-daughter mani/pedi set – that's what you wanted, right Nora?" she finished as I couldn't stop smiling at Daniel's mom. She had asked…for the _mother/daughter _package? I tried really hard to not let tears sting my eyes, because I didn't want her to misinterpret that as a sign of sadness on my part, because it wasn't – it was rather a sign of pure joy – but I am not sure I was completely successful.

"Of course," Nora casually replied as I felt her take my hand and lead me towards one of the chairs and we spent the next few minutes choosing out our nail patterns.

Once we left the spa and got back in the car to head home, I quietly told Daniel's mom, "Nora…thank you so much; today was so fun. It was…one of the most memorable days of my life," I admitted. She had a right to know; she was the one who made it so notable.

"Nonsense, dear, _I _should be thanking _you_ – if you weren't here, I would never have done this. My Daniel's a lucky boy," she replied as she gave me a smile and a tiny wink.

As soon as we got to the house, I saw Daniel and his brothers playing baseball in the front yard and he quickly came over and kissed my cheek lightly as he asked, "Hey baby, you and mom have a good day?" and I grinned up at him and softly told him, "The best," as his mom and him exchanged smiles.

Daniel and I then spent the next few hours together going for a bike ride around the neighbourhood and then when we came back he frowned at the car in the driveway for a second before a look of realization crossed his face and he said,

"Oh, that's right! My mom told me my aunt – her younger sister – was going to visit today. She just had a baby, you know, so she wanted to show her to us. Let's go see her," he smiled at me.

"A baby? Really? She just had a baby?" I asked, and I knew Daniel was aware that I…had a soft spot for children.

"Yeah, they named her Emma," he informed me, and sure enough, when we went to the backyard we saw Daniel's mom and a lady who I knew must be her sister holding the tiniest, most adorable baby wrapped in a pink blanket.

"Aunt Jane!" Daniel said, and she flashed him a warm smile as he said, "This is my girlfriend, Imogen," and his aunt gave me an even bigger smile as she responded, "That's right! I've heard all about you – I'm so glad our visits coincided!"

"Congratulations on the little girl," I said at once, "Oh my goodness, she's so tiny! She's beautiful," I breathed.

"Thank you, darling – her name is Emma. Would you like to hold her?" Daniel's aunt asked me as Daniel and I took a seat in the patio chairs across from his mom and aunt.

I did really want to, but I had never held a baby before, so I just shyly said, "Oh, it's okay, I couldn't possibly…"

Daniel's aunt just shook her head at me though, as she said, "Oh, don't be silly, Imogen. Hold the baby," and before I knew what was happening little Emma was already in my arms and I…couldn't believe how tiny her fingers, her nose, her mouth...her _everything _was.

She cooed a little but she then settled down as her big brown eyes looked up at me and Daniel's aunt said, "See? She's taken with you already, Imogen," and I saw Daniel give me an amused chuckle as he came over and sat on the edge of my chair. As soon as I passed the baby back to its mother, Daniel leaned down and whispered in my ear, saying, "You're gonna make an amazing mom someday, baby," causing me to blush about ten different shades of red; Daniel actually got up and got me a glass of lemonade when he saw how flustered his comment made me.

I soon headed into the kitchen to help Daniel's mom make dinner, and after we ate and successfully carried out the daily family news viewing, I heard Daniel's mom say,

"Imogen, would you be interested in watching a girly movie with me to top off our day?" and sure enough, a chorus of groans echoed from the four boys in the room before Daniel's mom clarified, "I meant in _her_ room, boys, relax, we won't subject everyone to it," and they soon calmed down upon hearing that piece of information.

"I'd love to," I answered.

"Perfect! I'll just make us some hot chocolate and then I'll be up okay?" she said and I immediately nodded in confirmation as I saw Daniel give me a smile.

About ten minutes later, I heard Nora knock on my door and after I told her to come in, she held out a cup of hot chocolate and we both got in my bed, wearing pyjamas so we could watch a movie that she let me choose off the PayPerView menu…and for the first time in my life, I felt good about one of my lies. I had lied to her earlier that I had just had one of the most memorable days of my life; in reality it was _the most _memorable day of my life.

**Clare's POV**

"I can't believe we're packing for your fourth and final year, Eli," I sadly sighed as I plopped down on his bed to rest for a minute. Cece and Bullfrog were both at the radio station, and his house was really quiet.

"I know, college has gone by in flash," he said as she sat down next to me. "I kind of hate that," he added.

"Me too. I like it, you know? I just feel like…things will never be the same again once we leave," I softly told him.

"I know what you mean," Eli replied right away. "But who knows, maybe they'll be better. And plus, we've still got a long way to go," he correctly pointed out.

"Eli…do you think I'll get into law school?" I nervously asked him.

"Of course," he answered, surprise in his voice as he continued, "You have great grades and next summer can study for the LSAT, and we can ask Daniel about it – he just took it and did quite well – and we can ask him about the whole application process as well. You'll get in for sure, Clare," he reassured me.

"You'll get into the English Lit Master's program too, I know it, Eli," I said as I gestured for him to lie down so I could rest my head on his chest. He did as I asked with a smirk on his face and replied, "Let's hope so."

I hated the uncertainty of our futures; and there was something else that was plaguing me lately. I knew Eli wanted to stay at U of T for his Master's, and I knew he would get admitted, but…if he wanted to become a prof at U of T he couldn't do his PhD at the university; there was some stupid rule that you are not allowed to teach at the university you do your thesis at. Which meant that…if I got into law school, Eli would be graduation from his Master's from U of T at the same time that I would be finishing my undergrad. Then what? He would have to go to another university, but the rules of my program were the exact opposite; I had to stay in the province for law school – you are supposed to do your law school in the same city that you want to practice in. I desperately wanted to get into U of T – I _needed to _– and Eli _needed _to go another university…for three years. Three years is an eternity, and I had no idea what we would agree to do. We hadn't talked about it yet, but I had a feeling that these concerns plagued Eli a lot more now as he was heading into his final year. And they truly scared me.

"Clare…you have to stay at the law school of the city you have to be called to the bar in, right? So you have to stay at U of T, right?" he asked, and I knew that we were thinking of the same thing at the same time.

I met his gaze as I gave him a sad smile and I didn't directly answer his question; I just slowly nodded my head and softly asked him, "And you can't stay at U of T for your PhD, right?" and he gave me a sad smirk as he shook his head.

"Not if I want to come back to work in Toronto, and I do. I can live with the idea of staying somewhere else for three years if I have to because there's a clear finish line in sight…but I can't imagine making a life in any other city than Toronto, you know?" he stated.

"I know, Eli. Our plans…why can't they just line up? Why can't things be easy for us just once?" I asked, and I knew that Eli picked up on the whine in my voice as he pulled me closer and placed a kiss in my curls.

"I'm all in, Clare," he softly said, repeating what he had said a long time ago to me when we reunited that special night in the Japanese garden, and I burrowed my face in his neck and I knew he must have felt the few tears on my face. He continued, "We'll find a way, trust me. If you want to. I don't want to if you don't want to".

"I want to, Eli. I want to," I immediately told him, and I held on to his shirt tightly.

"Me too. So let's just take it one step at a time, all right? I haven't even graduated from undergrad yet," he said as he ran his fingers slowly through my curls, and after a few minutes I calmed down because I realized he was right, and I relaxed my tight grip on his shirt as I felt him slowly pull me out of his grip and he gave me a gentle kiss.

"Okay. You're right. I'm only in third year. Haven't even started it yet," I reminded myself.

"That's right," Eli softly said, but I was sure that we both knew this was something serious that we would eventually have to deal with. I knew being a professor was important to Eli, and I knew that he knew becoming a lawyer and helping others was important to me…and I know we haven't talked of the future openly yet; we have only made hesitant remarks, and I know that is because Eli is scared of getting burned again. My lack of being able to imagine a future with him during the time of our horrible separation was a huge issue that I knew had wounded him deeply. Eli was a serious boy; long term plans were important to him, and I knew I would have to muster the courage for us to have this discussion sooner rather than later, but he is really hesitant about it too. I just need to figure out a way to make him…not afraid of talking about this with me.

I rested my head on his chest for a few minutes longer while he had now moved to twirling one of curls around his index and middle finger thoughtfully before I softly said, "Should we finish up? I'd be nice to get to campus before dark, Alli and Sav are already there". All of my things were already loaded in the Jeep, but Eli had had a late morning meeting with Dr. Gifford – his last meeting as Dr. Gifford's summer research assistant, an experience that Eli had completely loved and that I knew would be very beneficial for him when he would apply to the Master's program as well as for his PhD – and now he was a bit behind schedule; we were doing a bit of a frantic packing job.

"Any books you need this semester that you already have in this bookcase?" I asked him as he moved to his desk to pack up his laptop in its proper bag.

"Actually yes – see all of those ones placed at the end of the bookcase and that blue binder – those are all my texts from this second year American Lit class and my notes, and a lot of them are on the reading list for that modernism seminar that I was telling you about, do you mind grabbing them?" he asked as he was wrapping up his laptop's charger.

"Sure," I said, and I picked them all up in one fell swoop kind of brusquely, which caused this brown leather photo album to fall out, and…as it opened I could immediately tell that it contained all of Eli's pictures…with Julia. I saw his face turn slightly pale as he watched it rest on the floor, and before I could move to grab it, he had already walked over to it, shut it tightly and I noticed his hands were shaking just a bit as he hung on to it tightly.

I hated this. I hated that I had thrown his normal attachment to Julia in his face so insensitively and basically used it as an excuse for all the things that I was scared to tell him in order to break-up with him and feel like none of it was my fault. Now, this really defining moment in Eli's life was one that I knew I had lost the right to be privy to; of course he reacted this way; I had been so incredibly…jealous and insensitive. I should have reassured him and talked to him; I knew his parents weren't as receptive to his emotions back then as they are now, and although he did place pressure on me, I should have known he didn't do it in a heinous or selfish way; I was just simply the only person in his life at that point to which he could turn to with these things. That is, until I confirmed his biggest fear – he let me in only for me to throw all of his most personal fears in his face and abandon him completely, leaving him to deal with another catastrophe…and that time _truly _on his own.

"Eli," I softly breathed, and right away, I could see the fear in his eyes.

He was expecting me to get mad that he had kept those pictures of Julia? That he had an album of her?

"E-Eli, it's okay," I started, but he immediately turned around and faced the wall opposite of us.

_ He was really scared I would explode at him. _

"I'm _glad_ you have her pictures, Eli," I softly said, and I moved closer to him, and eventually stepped in front of him, and I saw the fear in his eyes much more present this time. His entire body was…all tense, and he had a blank look on his face.

"Can you come sit down with me?" I gently asked him, and I took his hand and led him to the bed, where I sat cross-legged across from him.

"There's something I need to say to you, Eli," I said, flattening his bed sheet as I took a deep breath. I saw him quietly stare into my eyes as he bit his lower lip nervously. "I'm sorry for my behaviour that day," knowing he would know at once which day I was referring to.

I continued, "I…wasn't being fair. I was being extremely insensitive. That was a hard day for you, and I made it completely unmanageable by the way that I chose to act. Instead of appreciating all of the wonderful ways in which you were trying to find out what was wrong with us and fix it, I…just chose to blame it on your past. And that wasn't fair," I started, and I heard him whisper,

"Clare…it wasn't all about Julia, I swear," and he let out a shaky breath.

I interlocked the fingers of both of our hands at once as I continued, "And I know that now; I really do. And I knew it then, deep down inside. And…it's more than that, Eli. I…never dealt with it as well as I could have," I admitted, hanging my head in shame.

"What do you mean?" Eli said as a puzzled look crossed his face.

"I love you, Eli…_every part_ of you," I repeated to him, "and…Julia is a part of you. So I'd like to love her as well, and I was thinking…maybe if we look through this album together, you can tell me about her. Just a little bit, maybe?" I slowly asked, because I knew such a task wouldn't be easy for him.

"You don't have to do that," Eli replied at once.

"I want to, Eli," I said, and I placed a gentle kiss on each of his hands.

He then gave me one of the most vulnerable looks I had ever received from him as he said, "I…only look through it on April 22nd usually," and I nodded encouragingly as I sensed he wasn't finished with that sentence. Ever since we got back together, Eli had been very open with me about that date; I knew that his parents would take him to Julia's grave in the morning so he could bring her flowers, and I knew he would write her a card as well and place it next to her grave stone, and right after, he would immediately come to me and I never asked him anything, but as I held him for the rest of the day, usually lying in his bed in his apartment or at his house – it was an added stress in Eli's life that the end of April was also smack in the middle of exams, a detail which often made me ask God why Eli's life had to be so hard – I could feel that horrible tension return in his body, but he never cried in front of me on that day.

"Only April 22nd," he softly repeated.

"Okay. We don't have to…it was just an idea that I had," I said, a little disappointed with his lack of response.

I soon felt him squeeze my hand, though, and he whispered, "Okay. I want you to know," and I immediately gave him a warm hug. Imogen had told me that the PTSD doctors she had seen work with patients always told their interns that one of the most significant steps in dealing with trauma was being able to talk about it, and I knew that Eli had spent many sessions talking about it to Dr. Sadler, but it meant the world to me that he was going to open up to me in this way after everything. I really could not have blamed him if he refused to talk about this subject with me anymore, just as I could not blame him…if all that time ago, he had chosen to really erase me from his life like I had accused him after our very chapter meeting together.

Eli stood up against the headboard of the bed and he motioned for me to sit in his lap, and I did so. His shaking hands then opened up the photo album, resting along its sides, and I placed mine on top, hoping this gesture would bring him some sort of comfort as he slowly opened it and I took in the first photo.

"Wow, you look so young, Eli," I breathed.

"I was," he slowly said.

"You both were," I gently added.

"This was…at a museum?" I asked, trying to piece together the background.

"Art gallery. Julia…liked art a lot. She liked to draw and paint. This was the first time that one of her pieces was on display," he told me, his voice all hoarse, and at once I knew what he was referring to when he had told Dylan about how he hates that Julia never got to do all the things in life that she should have, and what he had meant when he had tearfully said to me, 'She would have done so many good things'.

"It's beautiful, Eli," I said, studying the purple abstract art piece that they were in front of. Eli was wearing all black, and Julia was wearing a beautiful dark purple dress, and his arm was around her waist. She really was very beautiful, and she stared at Eli in such an electric way; you could tell their connection wasn't just…physical.

I felt Eli's chest shaking just a bit, so I squeezed his hand tighter as I said, "We can stop whenever you want," but he replied, "No, I want to tell you".

He then moved our intertwined hands to flip the page and this time, they were at a concert. The picture had been taken from up close, probably by one of their outstretched arms.

"Eli…can you tell me…about her? What she was like? What she liked to do?" I softly said as I felt him give me a squeeze and he said,

"Julia was…" his voice breaking at the use of past tense, "…she was…like a…firecracker," and I could feel his head shaking as he said, "The slightest thing would set her off at times, and I'd joke with her to not be such a sensitive artiste, but she'd just fire back a sharp little remark of her own. We fought quite a bit over the smallest stuff, but it never lasted more than the day, one of us or even both apologizing once we realized how stupid we had been," and I felt him let out a sigh of frustration as he continued, "She'd always try to come off as this bad-ass, and sometimes I'd call her out on it and she'd get mad, and I'm sure you can imagine how interactions of that type went between us. She'd call me stubborn, and she was right, but after a cooling off period we'd figure it all out. Our longest fights, though…those were always about how she'd purposely get in fights with her stepmom – I hated it, Clare. Once I found out her step mom had slapped her, it drove me nuts to hear Julia proudly talking about the way she'd manage to get under her stepmom's skin. I thought it was reckless and dangerous, because I knew Julia's dad had long checked out of being concerned with Julia, and her stepmom was…so vile. It was all about his new wife for her dad, and he'd always make excuses for her. And Julia would try to come off all cool and uncaring, but I knew that deep down inside all she wanted was for her dad to tell her he loved her. Imogen's situation, with her parents…it reminds me of all the problems Julia had to deal with sometimes. Then she would come to my house and she would stay with us, and my mom and dad would always try to be nice to her as well, because they knew all about her stepmom. Julia was…impulsive and she always had to have the last word…but...that was the public Julia, if you will. The private Julia… if I ever was upset, she'd always drop whatever she was doing and comfort me, and she'd always leave me funny drawings all over my science notes, and she'd spend a lot of her free time teaching art classes at the seniors' centre – and most of the seniors there weren't even interested in drawing or painting, and she didn't get upset when she figured that out after attempting to give her first few classes there; she understood they just wanted someone to talk to, so she'd always go and just…listen to them. For as long as they kept talking, she'd listen…even if it was well past the class hours," he continued, his voice breaking at the description of her art classes, and I was completely impressed by how open he was being.

A tear escaped my eye when I heard how…intuitively caring and compassionate Julia was, and I hated that from one day to the next, the person who looked after Eli so well was just…gone, right when he needed her most. It was only all slowly coming to me now…how difficult that time period must have been for him…and how broken he must have felt when he did find some stability with me only to have it come crashing down in a horrible way that reminded him of all the pain that had ever collapsed on him in the first place. I felt…like an ungrateful monster for what I had done to Eli, and…that was not the way I was brought up…that is not what God would have expected of me, and I knew it.

"Eli…you saved her, remember?" I told him, hoping he would think back to what I had told him about what Julia's life would have been without him. We both saw how one night without Daniel left Imogen literally among shards of glass.

"Clare…I tried," he said, and I heard an involuntary whimper escape his lips. "But we were both stubborn, and then we had another fight; it was so stupid; it was about how she said that the school play I was writing at the time was taking up too much of my time…and that was the only time that one of our fights lasted longer than one day. And I think, no I know actually, that…that was the…night…she…went to Ethan, you know?" he continued, and this time I turned around and faced him as I embraced him a hug.

I pulled away as soon as I felt him stop shaking and I just gently pushed his hair back as he continued, "I assumed she was at her stepmom's home, so I was mad because I thought she would end up physically hurt as opposed to the emotional abuse that I knew was sure to come from her stepmom, but then, at school, Ethan told me, and then that night…you know the rest. So I might have saved her for a little while, but don't you see? But even no matter how much I tried; having her stay with me; having her do things with my mom sometimes, with my dad, with all of us, I knew those things made her happy…but not completely so. She…wanted her dad, Clare, and I knew it. I tried so hard, but ultimately I _couldn't_ save her – not even in that way completely. And if I did, just a little…I only saved her so I could kill her later," he said, and he buried his face in my neck.

"You weren't driving that car, Eli," I assertively told him.

"But it was _my_ fault she was out in the middle of the night, _my_ stupid stubbornness caused it all!" he said, before he began to mumble incoherently.

"E-Eli…I don't know why she had to die that young, and just like you, I'll never understand it, but I do know it wasn't your fault," I said, and I felt his hands desperately clutch the edges of my T-shirt.

"What did Dr. Sadler say about Julia?" I gently asked him as I ran my fingers through his hair slowly as he kept his face buried in my neck.

"Something very similar to what you said," I heard him say. He slowly pulled away and his eyes met mine as he said, "She tried to get me to see that it wasn't my fault, but she told me it's okay to feel guilt. She said…to try to imagine what Julia would want me to do…how she would want me to be happy," and I noticed a tear fall down his face.

I wiped it away as I said, "Eli…its okay to cry in front of me, you know…about Julia. Or about anything - that's okay," because I could feel that he was feeling deeply ashamed.

He softly said, "Towards the end of my sessions, Dr. Sadler had me write down the way I felt whenever I thought about Julia, and she told me to place it in the very back of this photo album," and his shaking hands flipped to a tiny purple paper that was folded up and inserted into one of the plastic slits.

I watched him slowly unfold it as I whispered, "Was purple her favourite colour, Eli?" and he nodded tearfully.

"It's okay. It's okay," I gently assured him as he handed me the piece of paper and I slowly read it.

_Julia…whenever I think of why this had to happen to you…I become full of a hot, powerful sadness and would love to burst into the comfort of tears, but I think I have to try hard not to. Dr. Sadler tells me that I should try to resist giving myself the chance to fall apart, because when I do it, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. I have to practice staying strong instead. But it's hard to be strong right now, Jules. I'm all alone. It's hard to be strong. _

The minute I read the last two sentences, not only did I know that he had written this during our separation, but I was

concerned at his thoughts.

"Eli…do you remember what you told Dylan that day at the park? Because I thought it was so beautiful and so appropriate," I gently guided him.

"What do you mean?" he said, slightly shaking his head.

"You told him that the bravest type of courage is the courage to truly let yourself feel the passing of a loved one," and by now tears were invading my own eyes as I continued, "Eli…you can't be an expert in managing everyone's pain _but_ your own. You're allowed to feel too, Eli, and to be sad, and to cry, and to come to me and demand my time and attention if I can't tell you need it. But I hope that…I can tell, because you mean everything to me," I told him.

"I know, I know, it hasn't been easy for me to…open up," he slowly said, hanging his head.

"I know, Eli, and I've only made it harder. But not anymore. Not anymore, I promise," I told him.

I continued, "And about what Dr. Sadler said…Eli…what _would_ Julia say if she saw the way you are torturing yourself like this?" as I ran my hands in slow circles across his back.

"I believe her exact words would be, 'Snap out of it, idiot!'' and I was surprised to see him give me a small laugh.

"Eli," I breathed, "She was _so_ special," and I wrapped him up in another hug as I added, "Thank you so much for telling me about her. Now that I know a little more about her…_I…_don't want to forget her. I don't want _us _to forget her," and I felt Eli squeeze me tighter as he whispered, "Thank you, Clare. I love you," and I assertively whispered back, "I love you too, don't you forget it. I love you, Eli – every part of you".

**Adam's POV**

I sat down next to Eli on the pillow as I playfully said, "Whatever, Clare, me and Eli's apartment is totally organized by now, while yours and Alli's looks like a hurricane just passed through it".

Eli then adjusted the blanket we were all sitting on as he laughed and said, "Dude – it's Hurricane Alli of course. It's a constant presence in that apartment, causes mass casualties every year, can't believe you haven't heard about it yet," and Clare shot him a sarcastically strict look in response.

"Eli! And you too, Adam – you're just as bad! Girls just take longer to put everything together in a new apartment, you guys just wouldn't understand," she said as she humorously shook her head.

"It's the _same _apartment you've also had for the past two years!" Eli told her with a smirk.

"Not relevant," Clare responded at once, finishing the daisy chain she was making. The three of us were off on an urban adventure just outside of Toronto before the madness of the school year began.

"At what time is Lana getting in again tomorrow, Adam?" Eli asked me.

"Two thirty," I replied at once.

"Cool, make sure you take the Jeep when you head out to the airport," he specified as he leaned back against the grass and brought Clare down with him, and I watched her happily rest her head on his chest as Eli brushed her curls out of his face, attempting to whisper, "It tickles," but I caught it anyway and rolled my eyes at the two of them. They are both just as love struck years later as they always have been, and something tells me they'll still act this way when they have their own teenage kids. This thought of the future reminded me,

"Dude, Eli, does it feel weird that it's your last year at U of T?" I asked him.

"Wow - thanks for the vote of confidence on me getting into the Master's program, Adam," he sarcastically told me.

"No, that's not what I meant – I meant as an undergrad," and I instantly saw a look of sadness flash across Clare's face.

"It doesn't feel quite real yet, it's like every semester here had gone by faster than the previous one to the point where you almost blink and it's gone," Eli said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Except for the two weeks of finals," I said with a frown. Those always felt they stretched on to infinity.

"Ugh – boys – classes haven't even started yet, can we please not talk about finals?" Clare said with a groan and I quickly nodded. She was right.

I heard her gently ask, "What's Lana going to do for post-grad, Adam?"

This time it was my own turn to feel sadness take over me; I hated the one-year difference between Lana and myself, just as much as I knew Clare hated the same level of difference between Eli and herself.

"She's going to do her Business Master's, hopefully at U of T," I told them.

"She'll get in, man, don't worry," I heard Eli say at once.

"Let's hope so," I responded, because I hated the thought of her going away. I hesitatingly asked, "I mean…if she doesn't, she'll have to go to another province. Do you guys…think that long distance relationships can work?"

"No," Clare said at once, at the exact same time that Eli responded, "Of course".

_Damn it_. I should have never asked that. I saw Eli pull out of their embrace at once as he said, "No?" and Clare quickly blushed and said, "I just meant, 99% of the time they don't," and Eli looked at her horrified.

I quickly changed the subject, but no matter how much I tried to make up for my obvious earlier mistake, I could tell that Eli's mind was reeling from Clare's answer. And I couldn't really blame him; I knew this issue would relate back to her parents on some level of course, but…I knew Eli's plans for the future would likely have to include a three year absence from Toronto.

That night, Eli refused to come have dinner down in the dining hall with me – he stayed holed up his room the entire first week, actually, and when Clare asked me to have coffee with her to strategize about his behaviour, I couldn't pretend that everything was fine when she asked me,

"Do you think he's worried about what I said about long-distance relationships?"

So I answered her,

"Absolutely. Clare…how could you say that to him? He's already…insecure. When he thinks about you, he thinks about a future. Right now he's probably wondering…what he's doing here if you don't feel the same way. Do you…feel the same way?" I asked her slowly, because her behaviour was confusing me as well.

"I do! Of course I do, Adam," I heard her say at once. "But I didn't mean that comment in regards to us, and besides, we're still a long way off from all of that," she retorted.

"Doesn't matter. Don't you see, Eli must be thinking…if you are going to leave him sooner or later, why not break-up sooner? Don't mess around with his feelings Clare," I deadpanned, because I was scared for my best friend. Clare held all the cards towards really hurting him, and it…would be so unfair if she did that again.

"I don't want to hurt him, I want to be with him," she said, as if she almost read my mind.

"Then you'd better tell him that," I told her before grabbing my coffee cup and heading to the library…everyone had been right about third year being a step harder than first and second, so that automatically meant an increase in library sessions for me.

**Eli's POV**

_No. No. 99%. 99%. _

_ Goddamn it, Clare. _

I tried to push these thoughts out of my mind and focus on the e-mail to Dr. Gifford requesting a reference letter from him to put in my application package to the Master's program, but they kept resurfacing. What the fuck was I doing in this relationship with her if she was just going to flush it down the toilet again? Fuck it, I'm not changing _my_ plans. I want to live in Toronto and teach at U of T, and I'm not changing it just because it doesn't fit in with her plans. I like the university atmosphere here, and I would love to teach here, and I would love to be able to provide stability that a writing career on its own might not provide me with. But it looks like that's the last thing she's interested in. _Maybe I need to let this girl finally go once and for all_, I thought bitterly. This is ridiculous, I've fucking chased her long enough, I thought to myself as I angrily typed the most polite message ever written to Dr. Gifford – the irony of how good I had gotten at pulling out the appropriate language for different situations while my mind is spinning with other thoughts never being more potent than in this particular moment.

I slammed my laptop shut in anger and decided I need to go for a walk to cool off when I opened the door to my apartment and I was shocked to see Clare setting the table, a huge blush on her face as she said,

"I want to have dinner with you, please, Eli"

"Yeah, well, I'm busy," I coldly snapped back.

She slowly approached me but I turned my gaze away from her as she continued, "Eli, please look at me," and a few minutes after, I finally met her gaze again.

"I wasn't talking about us," and she slowly took my hands in hers as she shakily whispered, "We're the 1%. I told you, Eli – I'm all in,"

"How can I trust you? I wish I could trust you, Clare, but how can I?" I blurted, because I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I saw her face fall for a minute before she said, "Because, Eli…I don't see myself having a future with anyone else but _you_," and that answer caused me to stare at her more intensely in shock. She had never admitted anything that concretely to me ever before.

"What do you mean?" I slowly said, because I didn't want this to be another misunderstanding.

"I mean that…I want my future to be with you, Eli. _Only_ you. Me and you. I don't care if it takes us both ten years to do our degrees at opposite ends of the country, I will wait and do whatever it takes, Eli," and as she slowly stepped forward and placed a gentle kiss on my lips, I placed my hands on her hips and pulled her in gently as I deepened the kiss.

As I pulled away, I whispered to her, "It's just…you gotta let me know these things, Edwards, or else…I just don't know them, and…that's…scary," I so very eloquently stated.

"I know, Eli, I know, and I'm sorry," she said at once, and she tangled her fingers lovingly in my hair.

"We're not…your parents…I need you to trust me if we're going to be in this for the long term, and to talk to me, not just…avoid talking to me because it's hard," I gently told her before giving her a long and slow kiss, trying to show her that we have all the time in the world to just…be together. We don't need to panic.

"I know. I love you," she breathed as she pulled away, intertwining our fingers afterwards as she told me to take a seat for dinner and announced that Adam would be joining us soon as well.

**Clare's POV**

"Well, I sure thought it was a perfect and very strong application, so now all we can do is wait, but you'll get in, Eli, I know you will," I reassured him as we got in the Jeep to drive to Dylan and Scotty's house so we could pick them up and take them to a special exhibit at the Provincial Museum – it was called 'Walking with Dinosaurs,' and apparently it was really cool by adult standards as well; Dylan had suggested that we go to it and Eli had bought tickets online right after.

"I hope so," Eli said, and I just gave his hand a reassuring squeeze in response. "UBC is so far otherwise," he sadly remarked.

"Do you want to go check it out when we're in Vancouver for the regional meeting next month? It might be worth seeing, if you do end up going there – not that you will," I asked him.

"Nah, I really don't want to, it'll totally trip me out to go there, and at that point I should know; I was told I would get an answer in three weeks. And UBC is far from where we'll be staying, actually. It's kind of strange; in Vancouver the university isn't right downtown like it is in Toronto, it's off on a ledge really close to the ocean," Eli told me.

"It's awesome that they have a beach though, and it actually sounds really pretty," I pointed out.

"True. It's just so different, and I really want to study with Dr. Gifford, not have to start all over at a new university," Eli said.

"I know, and see – come on, Eli, you were his research assistant, he'll totally admit you to the Master's program," I told him, but I knew he was still nervous.

"It's not just up to him," he said with a frown.

"He became the Department Head this year – no one would vote against him, it would be career suicide," I responded, and just as the light turned red I pressed a kiss to his cold piercing, which left Eli smirking happily.

About ten minutes, later we arrived at the house and a very excited Scotty and Dylan greeted us.

"You boys ready to walk with dinosaurs?" Eli playfully asked them as he bumped fists with Dylan.

"I'm ready! Let's go!" Scotty quickly said as he pushed his older brother to the Jeep. I saw Dylan whispering something to Eli about Angela's birthday, but Eli just put his hands up in a defensive gesture as he said, "Dude, you're not thinking of utilizing everything at your advantage. You've got the perfect person here to answer your question," he said with smirk and he gestured in my direction, but Dylan shot me a little bit of a shy look.

When we were all in the car and Eli had double checked Scotty's seat belt, he said, "Dylan, come on, ask Clare, dude. She can help. She's much better with his stuff than me," and I saw Dylan reluctantly being to speak.

"Clare…it's Angela's birthday soon and I was wondering if a necklace with a ballerina on it would be a good present," he shyly told me as I glanced over at a very amused Eli in the driver's seat.

"Does she like ballet?" I asked Dylan.

"She's been doing it ever since she was five," he responded at once.

"Well then, that sounds like the best present ever, Dylan. She is going to love it. Thoughtful jewellery like that always makes for the best presents for a girl," I assured him, and I turned around in my seat a little as I showed him my angel necklace and told him, "Eli actually got me _this _necklace for my high school graduation…and it is my favourite piece of jewellery out of everything I own," I honestly told Dylan, and I noticed Eli get the faintest of blushes on his cheeks as his lips also spread into a smirk.

"It's pretty," I heard Scotty pipe up, "But there is no angel class," he said as an adorable little frown crossed his face, and now I was the one to blush profusely as I stuttered, "N-no, t-there's not, y-you're right, it's more like a…symbolic thing," I scrambled.

Scotty just shrugged though, and as he looked out the window he said, "Eli thinks you're his angel," and my heart swelled at the little boy's nonchalant understanding and at his soft voice as he said that and as he added without the slightest hesitation, "Daddy says the same thing about mommy. That she always was his angel and that now she is one for real, up there with all the other angels," and Eli and I exchanged heartbroken looks at the little boy's innocence, and I left Eli give my hand a squeeze, and I squeezed it back in response because I knew that in that moment he needed to feel my physical presence…I was fine and not going anywhere, and Eli needed to know that.

The actual 'Walking with Dinosaurs' show turned out to be absolutely amazing; I never expected it to feel so…real. All the dinosaurs were robots and it was in the biggest concert arena of Toronto, a place that held very fond memories for Eli and I, and the dinosaurs would walk among the large aisles in between the audience and even touch people sometimes. I could tell that one was headed for Scotty at one point; the man operating the robot probably assuming that the little boy would delight in such a thing, but Scotty just quickly scrambled onto Eli's lap and his little hands hung on for dear life to Eli's leather jacket as Eli assured him it was okay and that he wouldn't let anything happen to him, words that melted my heart, and eventually the dinosaur stopped hassling Scotty upon the operator probably seeing his completely distraught reaction. While Dylan found the whole episode rather amusing, Eli took a few minutes after to settle Scotty down, and once we stepped outside for a minute and refilled our drinks and popcorn, Scotty's energy and playfulness also seemed to be refilled, and he was fine for the rest of the show.

Both boys fell asleep on the thirty minute drive home, and Eli and I even took a risk and played our red-light game a few times, worrying a little when we thought we saw Scotty stir and wake up, but after he settled down again, Eli was the one to kiss my piercing at the following red light.

I knew that we now had to live with a three week countdown, and just as I was enjoying all of his little kisses, I said a silent prayer to God that he would get accepted at U of T, and that Dr. Gifford would even take him on a PhD student and wave that silly out of province requirement for him after he finished his Master's. I knew that was a possibility – a rather rare one, true, but it was a possibility, but the one time that I mentioned it to Eli he just said that he doesn't want to get his hopes up because the chances of that happening are very slim. He was right, and I knew he was correct, but…three years with him leaving for four month intervals…I couldn't even imagine how difficult that would be.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Eli?" I said into the phone as soon as I heard the click on the other end of the line.

"Hi, Clare," he softly replied, and I could practically feel the nervousness in his voice. Tomorrow morning, at 7AM, he was supposed to receive his e-mails letting him know the verdict on whether or not he had been accepted into the Master's program at U of T…and his answer from UBC would be coming at that time as well.

"Come have dinner with me tonight, please, okay? It's perfect timing, Alli went home last night for her mom's birthday and she'll be gone until tomorrow night," I told him, trying to keep the sadness out of my own voice.

"I'd love to, I just got out of class. Do you have to do any studying or homework tonight?" he asked me.

"I don't," I told him, leaving out the part where I had done it all yesterday so I could clear my schedule for tonight. This could be the last night of peace we have in a long time if something happens and he does have to do his Master's out in Vancouver, and I didn't want to be away from him. "Do you?" I asked him.

"No, nothing," he said.

"Come right now, okay?" I asked, and I think he could tell that I was a little sad.

"Okay, I'm coming, sweetheart. I'm coming. Do you need me to pick anything up for dinner?" he politely asked me, and I assured him that I had everything we needed.

Ten minutes later, I heard him knocking at my door and after I opened it, I immediately wrapped him in a hug. I also noticed that he had picked up some chocolate chip ice cream – my favourite flavour – despite my assurances that he didn't need to bring anything. That was my Eli for you. I couldn't even…_imagine_ U of T without him…he was the one to give me the most amazing campus tour ever, to help me choose the best professors, to…always be here for me.

I felt his arms lock on top of my lower back as he placed a gentle kiss in my curls and whispered, "Hey, hey, it'll be okay. Let's not be sad until we actually have to".

"We won't have to. You'll get in. Of course you will; I just hate…the uncertainty, not being able to do anything about the whole thing," I confessed.

"Me too," he sighed. "Oh, Clare," he exclaimed when he saw the dinner I had laid out on the table, "this looks amazing. I love lasagne," he said with a smirk as I grabbed his hand and led him towards the table as I said, "I know you do".

We had a really nice dinner and as Eli was telling me about his day, I felt myself relax – it was impossible not to with all of his witty comments interspersed in our dialogue – and after we snuggled on the couch watching a movie we both had really wanted to see for a while now, I felt him stir as he said, "I should take off, let you get your rest," but I placed my hand over his arm as I said, "I don't want you to go tonight," and I locked my gaze with his.

Eli leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss as I felt him massage my thighs a bit, and as he pulled away he said, "It's not the last night on Earth even if I don't get in. We…have to…respect…" he hesitated as he placed a kiss over my purity ring, and my eyes widened a little as I clarified,

"I don't want to break my vow, that's not what I meant," and Eli just rubbed my back gently and said, "I know, and that's not what I meant either. But…we've never stayed over at each other's place….I thought you wanted to keep that as a special thing".

"We've napped in each other's arms before; this is no different," I assertively told him. "And when we can…do _that_, trust me it will be special enough," I said as I felt myself blush a little.

Eli immediately smirked and I thought he was headed right for a kiss, but he paused just before meeting my lips as he said, "Oh, Clare Diana Edwards, trust me – I _know _it will be special enough. But you're sure?" he double checked.

"I just…I want to be with you tonight, just like this. Tomorrow morning is important, and I was hoping you could check on my laptop…we could do this…together," I answered back, and I felt his lips capture mine immediately.

As soon as we both pulled away, Eli said, "Of course."

"Okay, then, are you ready to go to sleep or do you want to stay up a little longer?" I asked him.

"Let's go," he replied, perhaps a little too enthusiastically, but I found that rather adorable, so I just rewarded him with a giggle.

"No, wait –" I said at once though, "Let me change first," I specified.

Eli got closer to me as we were walking towards my bedroom and he huskily whispered, "I've seen you…wearing the bare minimum, Clare. I can't help you…change?" making me blush about ten different shades of red at his choice of words.

"No," I teased him as I snuck behind my door, "Just relax and wait for a minute…right there".

**Eli's POV**

"Oh, come on!" I playfully shouted through the barrier of the door. I couldn't believe Clare wanted me to spend the night, and even if it would be in a completely innocent manner (or maybe almost innocent manner? I wasn't quite sure what she was up to), it meant a lot to me that I could sleep in her arms and have her in mine tonight, because I was rather scared of what tomorrow morning would bring.

"Okay, come in now," I heard her sweetly say, and as I opened the door quickly, I had to choke back a gasp. I didn't expect Clare's pyjamas to be…so…sexy. She was just wearing a thin caramel satin nightgown that had thin straps and was quite short, and she approached me slowly as I wrapped my arms around her waist and I was overcome by her sweet lilac smell at once. The fabric of the gown was really smooth and I kept rubbing my hands all over her back before she led us to the bed and motioned for me to lie down. However, before I did that, I was surprised to hear her say, "You can't sleep in your jeans, Eli, don't worry, you can take them off," and this time, I couldn't control the gasp that escaped my lips as she came over to me and unbuttoned my jeans and pulled the zipper down, her eyes focusing on mine the entire time. I knew that if we kept going like this, it would lead to a situation that I knew would embarrass her, so I just grabbed the sides of my jeans as I said, "Um, don't worry, I got it," and I quickly pulled them off, leaving me in only my black T-shirt and black boxers.

She lay down on the bed next to me, and we both lay on our sides and locked our gaze with each other for a long time before I saw her smile and she quickly straddled me as I widened my eyes in surprise. I ran my hands all over the smooth material over her back as she leaned in and gave me many slow and patient kisses as her curls tickled my face and neck, and I felt her eventually move to my neck as her hands did some exploring under my shirt before she swiftly pulled it over my head. Both of our breathing had increased, and I could hear hers being quite laboured, so I gently flipped us over and stared at her just for a few seconds until I began leaving a trail of butterfly kisses all over her neck, and I placed some more pronounced kisses all along her exposed chest, gently tugging at her skin in some places with my teeth as she rewarded me with many quiet little moans that were slowly driving me crazy while her fingernails lightly gently, but distinctively scratched my back.

"Oh, oh, E-Eli, I…" I heard her say, so I slowly pulled away as her chest heaved a little uncontrollably…it really didn't take much for her to get to this state, not that I wasn't just as much of a mess, but…I still couldn't help but smirk at the sight. As I was the one straddling her at this point, I gently ghosted my hand over her stomach as I began to slowly lose control of my senses…being in her bed – her scent was everywhere, and her sheets were so soft, but not as smooth as the silk of her nightgown that was setting my fingertips on fire. As I watched her chest rise and fall more closely and she tossed her head back, I can't believe I didn't notice…

"Clare," I got out in between my own erratic breaths, "You're not wearing…you're not wearing…a bra," I pointed out, and her blush got a little deeper as she said, "I can't really wear one with this nightgown," and as she nodded in response to my inquiring look, I slowly ran my fingers over her chest, being able to feel its every detail, its every rise and fall, as Clare's moans became a lot more pronounced in response to my touch and she arched her back off the bed as I locked her lips into a passionate and urgent kiss. I trailed kisses from her neck all along the covered sections of her chest…barely being able to handle the thinness of the silk barrier; it felt almost inexistent and Clare's back arched even higher off the bed as my kisses got slightly more aggressive and I heard her cry out my name loudly, and I knew I was overwhelming her quickly so I pulled away and returned my hands to her chest. I saw her run her hands through her hair and keep them there as she breathed, "God, Eli, sometimes…." I slowed the massaging rhythm of my hands as I encouraged her, "Sometimes what?"

I felt her move her hands from her hair to my own, tugging on it just a little more aggressively than she usually did as she whispered, "Sometimes I don't want to…stop. This is hard for me too, you know," and I gave her a slow kiss and replied, "I know, baby. I know it's hard for you too. But…we can do it. It's what's gotta be," and I gently moved my hands away from her chest and ran them up and down her sides, massaging her thighs because I knew she liked that, and sure enough, she closed her eyes at the sensation and one of her hands moved to lift her gown a little higher, exposing more skin.

I towered over her and after kissing her piercing I asked her, "Clare…do you want me to?" and she bit her lip as she softly moaned, "Please, Eli," her body now writhing under mine and I didn't hesitate much longer before doing as she asked, making sure to not to remove her lace panties as I knew she wouldn't like that. I began watching her face and her breathing for guidance, as I moved my fingers although it never took me long the first time and it didn't take me long this time either. Her eyes kept fluttering open as my name escaped her lips many times, and she pulled me closer so she could urgently kiss me right before I knew she was close. I rapidly felt her arms pull me even closer and she held on to me tightly as her entire body trembled rather intensely as she closed her eyes as a low moan escaped her. I repeatedly whispered, "I've got you, Clare, I've got you," as she tossed her head from side to side a few times until her breathing slowly subsided and I heard her gently whimper as I moved away from her, pulling her into an embrace after I collapsed against the bed. Her trembling still hadn't stopped though, so I gently ran my hands up and down her arm as she placed her hand above my heart and after a few minutes, both us of had calmed down significantly and Clare placed a gentle kiss on my cheek as she softly whispered, "I love you. Being with you like this…Eli…it's…I don't even…it's so…" she was struggling to say, but I knew what she meant, so I just silenced her with a slow kiss as I ran my fingers through her curls and then I placed another kiss on her forehead. Her face was completely flushed and her legs were still trembling a bit, so I gently ran my fingers over them repeatedly, and I felt their movement subside as the silky material of her night gown settled against my skin.

After I was sure that she was completely settled down, I mischievously told her, "You know Edwards, pretty sure what just happened was more than 'just napping'. You sneaky little devil, trick me into your bed with an innocent offer and then you seduce me like that," and I felt her body burst into giggles as she shot back, "You're weak prey," and all I could do was smirk as I admitted, "Well, that's true," and I placed another kiss on her forehead.

Clare pulled the blanket over us as she buried her body deeper into my arms and she softly said, "Eli?"

"Yes?" I whispered back.

"I just want you to know…whatever happens tomorrow, I don't want it to change anything. I'm not going anywhere, and leaving is not an option I want to take. I love you, and I stand by you," she said, leaving me a little scrambling for an answer as I was in awe of her perfect, reassuring words.

"I love you," I finally said, because it was the only thought running through my mind.

"I love you too. So much," she breathed, and the last thing I could remember was Clare softly kissing my eyelids shut.

**Clare's POV**

I felt the sun's rays enter my room and as memories of last night flooded my mind, I immediately held on to Eli a little tighter. I felt him stir and a smirk spread over his face as he tossed his arm around my waist and pulled me a little closer to him.

"Mmmm…good morning," he said. "Did you sleep well, are you…okay?" he asked as he gently stroked my stomach and I gave him an assuring nod before I gently asked, "Eli…is it time?"

"Yeah, it's time," he said, glancing at his watch. I guided him to my desk and sat in his lap as we impatiently waited for my laptop to log onto Windows and then Eli quickly typed in his email credentials. I placed my hand over his on the mouse as he clicked 'Inbox' and right away we could tell that he had been accepted into _both_ UBC and U of as both subject lines read 'Master's Program Acceptance Offer," and I squealed at once and turned around and gave him an eager kiss that Eli responded to at once, and I even let out a tiny moan. Once we joyfully read through his emails, Eli immediately said, "Okay, now I just have to e-mail them back to accept my offer – so UBC, right?" he mischievously asked, but my emotions were so rattled that I just groaned and clicked on the U of T email for him.

Eli quickly logged on to the U of T student services website easily as well in order to confirm his offer and he then quickly sent an e-mail to UBC thanking them for their acceptance but saying that he would be staying in his hometown instead.

After he was finally done, I gave him another kiss and a tight hug as I whispered, "Congratulations. I knew you'd get in, you're brilliant. I love you," and I felt him place a kiss in my curls as he said, "I'm really happy. It's nice to know I have another year here, and the extra degree. I love you too," and then we got dressed and headed to the dining room and we spent the day telling the good news to Adam, Lana, Daniel and Imogen. After we both finished classes for the day, we even took a quick trip to Eli's parents' house to tell them as well, and they insisted on taking the both of us for dinner, where they constantly teased us about how we had a sparkle in our eyes because we knew Eli wasn't going anywhere now. But I was much too happy to care; Eli's future was shaping up for him, and it included a graduation date congruent to mine. And he'd be working in close proximity with Dr. Gifford, so I knew that if he played his cards right, he could stay at U of T for his PhD as well. I knew that if we put our minds together, we could figure out a way for that to happen.

**Please share your thoughts with me in a review!**


	35. Hello World

**Hi lovely readers! Guess what DOUBLE UPDATE DAY – because if I didn't do one I would have to leave you on a major cliff-hanger and I just don't think our poor little EClare hearts need any more stress right now. **

**Now in regards to if the story will go on or not: Thank you so much for your great reviews; a couple of you pointed to that picture of Eli/Clare/Jake as support for EClare continuing, and I appreciate all of your kind words so much. I am still very much upset by the direction the previews are revealing (they are indeed confusing and contradictory, especially with the fireworks promo), and it does make the story sooo much harder to write, but you know I would never just…not finish, so I am just doing all I can to not let them get to me too much. It is getting and harder and harder though, so please share your thoughts with me. I was going to just completely ignore the promos and such, because I plan on finishing this story around July seventeenth because so many of you have told me you wish it would last until Degrassi is back on TV, and you are so good to me that even though I never planned for this story to deal with their post-grad stuff…it will – but I don't think I'll be able to just completely not pay attention to any previews, because as spoiler-y as they are, they do sort of give me time to prep. If I saw Eli crash Morty without any clue that was coming in DTW, I think I would have had a heart attack. Special thanks to my awesome reviewer ilovetaylorswift13 who told me about Munro Chamber's fb interview…stressed me out even more because I do believe Jake and Imogen relationships might take up way too much of the season after hearing what he said – maybe even the whole season – but I love hearing the most recent news so I greatly appreciate that she took the time to do that, so thank you friend!**

**Don't skip Imogen's POV in this chapter if you normally do so! She sees something important. **

**Thank you so much to all of my lovely reviewers as always: MissLizzie97, Ohmyapplepie21, MartinaAxi, Deena, ilovetaylorswift13, musiksnob, eclarerocks, CheapNovelty, iloveeliandclare, EmandEms, Julsgracie, DegrassiCat, EpicNinjaChica, ToDecember, Michelle-Chambers1, Lizbit, Morty-Lives-Forever, and my friend StalkerAngel!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any other real world references that I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

"Dude, what are you studying?" I asked Daniel; me and Clare and Adam and Lana and Imogen and him were all having a much needed library session as we were now at the end of September and deadlines were starting to pile up. Clare and I had met up with Adam and Lana and made plans to do this, but on our way over to the library we ran into Imogen and Daniel and after Imogen told us all about her Ottawa trip, they decided to join us as well. I was thrilled to hear that she had had such a nice time in Ottawa; after finding out a little more about the issues she has with her parents, I had really wished that things between her and Daniel work out, because I had met his family myself and it really was the perfect recipe; Daniel's mom was practically aching for a girl to spend time with, and by Imogen's recounting it seemed like the perfect thing had indeed occurred. But currently, Daniel looked a little tortured as he was highlighting a reading madly, and his clear outrage at the subject made me really curious to find out what he was reading. As the son of two politicians and as a guy who had recently been admitted to U of T Law, he had really sound and logical opinions on a lot of controversial issues.

"Ugh, I'm doing this response for my Ethics and Law seminar, and right now I have to read about disgusting Catholic priests who got away with molesting tens of young boys and have managed to slip through the legal system because the church has been protecting them. It drives me absolutely mad, how they think they are above the law," Daniel said with a frustrated groan as Imogen reached over and gently patted his thigh in a soothing gesture.

The minute Daniel gave me his answer, however, I kind of wished I had never asked that question; obviously Clare piped up at once and then so did Adam, until in just a few seconds everyone was staring not so much at her, but also at me. Going to church with Clare had been really interesting, and the sermon – I think that's what it's called, anyway – that the priest gave really seemed to me like a close reading exercise, so I didn't mind it that much. There was none of that weird candle lighting and strange incantations or anything like that, and when Clare talked to me about it after, she just gave me a small laugh and said that her church never does that kind of stuff. So while what I experienced with her there was actually engaging and I knew this would be something I couldn't totally write off because it was such an important part of Clare's life…there really was only one acceptable view in my mind to what Daniel was talking about, and even if it might upset Clare, I knew I'd have to share it with him.

"Hence the disturbed look on your face. Yeah, I hope the lawyers get their men and that justice is served," I answered Daniel as I saw Clare shyly attempt to pick up her pen again and resume taking notes, but I could tell that she was still very much paying attention to the conversation.

"Oh, trust me, they will. The defence on the part of the Church is rather weak – they are trying to use priest-repentant privilege to say that the superiors who knew about the abuse couldn't report it because it had been admitted to them in confession, but on a case by case basis the legal system will easily break that; the only privilege that even really stands is attorney-client," Daniel said, beaming with pride, probably at the fact that lawyers always came out on top.

"Not even doctor-patient?" I asked, having heard about that in a few TV shows.

"Same thing – you can break it on a case by case basis, so if a lawyer successfully argues that medical evidence is highly relevant, it must be presented – there's no way around it," Daniel answered.

"I can't believe the legal process can break confession," Clare softly sighed, and I took her free hand under the table, intertwined our fingers and rested it in on my knee because I knew this discussion wasn't necessarily easy for her.

I leaned over and whispered, "Done something criminal lately, Edwards?" and I was delighted to see that we weren't upsetting her too much as she softly giggled in response and mouthed an outraged, 'No!'

Daniel then turned to me and asked, "Isn't that a little crazy though? That attorney-client privilege can't ever be broken?"

I shrugged my shoulders in response as I said, "It makes sense though; if a lawyer is going to defend someone, they need to know everything that happened to be prepared," and then I shot Daniel a frown as I said, "Dude, you'd better not become one of those lawyers who helps dangerous criminals get back on the street," and as much as I knew Clare would be mad at me for this, I was definitely thinking of Fitz in this moment.

"No way, not happening," Daniel said at once, and he added, "I don't want to be a litigator; I want to be a government lawyer," and I nodded in understanding, realizing the connection that job would have with the knowledge that he already had. Despite being an English major, Daniel had also taken a lot of political science and history courses, so it all made sense to me.

He continued, "I'd never be able to deal with stuff as messed up as these sick and twisted supposed 'men of God,'" and as he said that, I felt Clare's hand tense on my knees, and I worried I wouldn't how to handle this properly. I knew Clare would never defend monstrous individuals who hurt children like that and take away everything from them, but I was also aware that she didn't like her faith to be associated with these acts.

I thought about it a little more, and as an idea struck me, I got really curious and my next comments were really me just thinking aloud more than anything, as I said, "You know, I don't get why they make priests take a vow of lifelong celibacy, I mean I know it has to do with something like channelling your love towards Jesus or something like that, but…I think that if they allowed marriage, maybe this wouldn't happen so much. I mean, why isn't it like…where the priests are married and then their wife runs the Sunday school and together they set an example for the community – that's definitely a more logical model," I pointed out, and Daniel just flashed me a look of confusion.

He said, "You've got a point, Eli, the state attorney talked about that in this case, but I mean…I don't know why it's not like that," and I saw Clare purse her lips before she said,

"Eli…it's like that at my church; Pastor Dan has a wife, and she even runs the Sunday school that Darcy and I went to, but the day that you came with me she was out of town vising her mom. It's just a separate branch of the church; Catholic priests can't get get married because it's a tradition of the Church; Jesus never married so it's believed they should follow that example, and I think it also has to do with it being hard to devote yourself to both the Church and a family at the same time; but Protestant pastors practice clerical marriage – the practice of allowing clergy to marry," Clare beautifully explained to the benefit of everyone sitting at our table.

She then added, "But I don't think that would exactly solve the problem entirely," and I immediately nodded my head and said, "Of course not, I know that. It was just a thought," I explained.

Clare then flashed me a warm smile and said, "And a good one; I really like the idea of the pastor and his wife setting an example for the community," and she took me by surprise when she even leaned in and placed a gentle peck on my lips.

"Ugh you two – no PDA in the library, jeez," we heard Adam say right after, and soon, a pen was sent flying in the air in our direction, but both Clare and I laughed when we saw Lana flash us a wink and she leaned in and gave Adam a kiss, telling him after, "Stop complaining, silly," and he was left grinning much too widely to reply.

I then felt Clare be the one to intertwine our hands under the table and she rested them on her knee as she gave me another warm smile and we all returned to our work, and I knew that she was happy that we both shared common views on such an important topic to her…because so was I.

**Clare's POV**

"He's coming at seven, right sweetheart?" I heard my mom ask and I nodded in confirmation – ever since I told her Eli got into the English Lit Master's program at U of T she had said she would like to have him over for dinner as a small celebration, but as we both had midterms it was hard to find a time to do that until this weekend – I had chosen to return home for the weekend after finishing my midterms because I thought spending some time with my mom would be nice, and the 'campus bubble' as Eli liked to refer to it was getting to me just a little bit. When Alli told me that she was heading home for the weekend as well, I decided it would be perfect timing for me to do the same; Eli had chosen to stay on campus, however, but he had driven me to my parents' house, and then he left the Jeep here for me, a move that caught my mom by surprise.

I explained to her that it was because he had a Centennial Foundation co-ordinators' planning meeting on Sunday afternoon and as his boss Harry was flying in from Montreal to meet with Eli and Imogen, he wouldn't really be able to drive me back to campus, but Eli being Eli – he wanted to make sure that I had a safe ride back. My mom just smiled pleasantly at my explanation, and I knew I had blushed just a little; I knew my mom was becoming rather curious towards the nature of my relationship with Eli…and in a moment that caused my face to turn as red as a crab, I told her that we definitely would be keeping my vow…but I also admitted to her that we had gone just beyond kissing but that we wouldn't be doing things that were so close to crossing the line that eventually it would just get blurred, and I was incredibly relieved when she had so lovingly reassured me that it was a fine decision to make. It wasn't that I was feeling guilty about it, but I did feel like I was keeping a secret from my mom, and now that she had comforted and reassured me so beautifully, I felt much more encouraged that I was on the right track. I swore my mom to secrecy when it came to telling my dad, however, because I knew that if she ever were to share such information with him, I would be the first person in history to quite literally die of embarrassment.

My mom had also asked me if I saw myself ever marrying Eli and if the subject had come up by any chance, and I told her that indeed we had talked about it, but that we both understood that we were young and that there were quite a number of things that we wanted to do before we rushed into a lifestyle that was beyond our age, and I knew she was thrilled with the perspective we had taken on that point as well. At one point throughout our conversation, I even told her that thinking back to the disastrous first dinner we had all had together, I never would have thought we would be having such a conversation today, and my mom agreed with me. However, she also quickly shared with me what Eli had said to her when he visited her with Bullfrog asking for permission to take me on the road trip to Bloomington that never actually happened, and I was touched by Eli's sensitivity, because…it was a significant period of time ago, and for a sixteen year old boy to demonstrate such commitment and deep understanding of the beauty of our friendship….Eli had always been quite mature, but I rather loved the way he had expressed things to my mom, and it had obviously had an effect on her as well, as she could remember it after all this time.

My mom and I then heard the door open – which was strange; I knew Eli would have knocked or rung the bell before entering, because he wasn't just coming over to see me, but rather to have dinner with my mom, but as I headed towards the door I was surprised to see my dad enter the house instead.

"Oh, Clare-bear, sweetheart," he sighed, and he wrapped me up in a hug. He looked exhausted and I knew it was because he was coming up to the end of a big negotiating deal at work, and I heard him also softly say, "Hi, Helen," as my mom shot him a tiny smile.

My dad continued, "I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to be here, but I think I felt some important files here – or I sure hope I did, because they definitely aren't at work or at the condo," and I could detect the panic in his voice.

"Well, let's look, they've got to be around here somewhere," my mom gently said, and I was so happy to see her so enthusiastic to help, and also I was truly grateful that it had been a long while since I had heard them bicker.

We all spent a few minutes looking around for them, knowing they would be in one of the distinctive large yellow file folders with my dad's law firm logo on the front, and just as I was starting to get really worried that we would never find them; I knew that my dad would get in major trouble if he lost evidence, my mom excitedly said, "It this it, Randall?" He breathed a huge sigh of relief as he said, "Yes - that's it. Thank you Helen, you're a lifesaver," and they exchanged small smiles, a sight that warmed my heart as it had been so long since I had seen it.

Just as my dad was putting the file folder in his briefcase and saying good bye to me, I saw my mom take a sharp breath and then she said, "Randall, just wait…you look exhausted. I know you've got a deadline coming up really soon, but you still need to eat. Why don't you stay for dinner – Eli should be getting here any minute now," and I nodded my head urgently at my dad as I added,

"Yes, daddy, please stay, please," giving him an accompanying pleading look.

"I don't want to impose, you must be celebrating Eli's good news about his Master's right?" my dad asked.

"No, Sir, please stay – I really want you to," I suddenly heard – Eli had just walked in through the door that my dad left open, and his tone was so heartfelt, making me realize all over again just how lucky I was to have such a wonderful boyfriend.

"Oh, Eli, welcome," my mom quickly said as Eli held out a bouquet of flowers to her, and my dad softly agreed, "Well, all right then," and I gave him a hug at once.

"Sit down, everyone," my mom gently guided us, and I know that she noticed, just as I did, that Eli was the first one at the table to join his hands, though I think that I was the only one to pick up on the fact that he did look around quite nervously, probably unsure if he was doing everything right, so I just gave his hand a quick squeeze to reassure him, and he flashed me a tiny smirk in response.

"Well, we are celebrating your Master's acceptance tonight, so congratulations, Eli, that is wonderful news," my mom soon told him, and my dad echoed the same sentiment.

"Thank you, I'm really excited. Though I'm a bit nervous too, I hope it's not too much harder than undergrad," Eli said after he complimented my mom's cooking.

"It won't be, rest assured," my dad gently told him. "It will be different – just the class sizes for one, but you'll like it more – the course content will be a lot more focused and everyone around you will be a lot more focused as well. I think you'll really like it, Eli," my dad continued.

"Thank you, Sir," Eli replied with a small smile. "And Clare's just got a year left before she leaves undergrad as well," he pointed out with a wink in my direction.

"That's _if _I get into law school," I rapidly pointed out – it seemed that Eli constantly needed this reminder.

"You _will_," he responded at once, and my dad quickly added, "Eli's right, sweetheart, you'll get in," and both of their confidence left me blushing and a little nervous.

"Do you have any plans for after your Master's degree, Eli?" my mom politely asked him.

"I was hoping to go on and do a PhD, in English Lit of course," he replied, adding, "Because I think I'd like to teach at the university".

"That's a fine plan, Eli, teaching at the university level is a really nice profession," my dad replied.

"But you'll have to leave Toronto to do that, won't you? That's still the rule?" my dad asked, and a wave of sadness overcame me. I knew Eli was right when he said we shouldn't worry about things until we have to, but I couldn't help but feel that after next year when I finish my undergrad, and Eli studies as far at U of T as he can…it's like…this huge dark cloud is just looming over our future, and nothing we can do for now will disperse it.

"It is," Eli just sadly said. "That's the major flaw in my plan. I…don't know what to do," Eli said, and I was a little surprised at how defeated he sounded in front of my parents.

"Well, you have time to figure it out, Eli," my mom warmly responded, "And if you have to go do your PhD somewhere else, you'd know it was a temporary project with a clear finish line in sight - it wouldn't be the end of the world," and I was so thrilled to hear her speak so encouragingly to him; I could tell he cheered up at once.

"Helen's right," my dad said, "It would just be one of those things in life that needs to get done," and Eli nodded in response at both of my parents.

"What schools would you be considering for your PhD then?" my dad pursued.

"It would have to be ones relatively on the same academic level as U of T if I wanted to be seriously considered for a teaching position there – so either U of Ottawa or…UBC," he slowly added, telling my parents information that I already knew, but…I hated the thought of him all the way in Vancouver, literally at the other end of the country, a six hour plane ride away.

"I see," my mom said before adding, "speaking of Vancouver, are you two all set for your trip?" she continued, in reference to the Centennial Foundation meeting that Eli and I would be heading to next week.

"I am, now that midterms are over," I said with a smile.

"Me too, I just had the last prep meeting before I came over here," Eli told us all, "But actually, Clare, I wanted to ask you something about the Vancouver trip," and I shot him a curious glance as I asked, "What is it?"

I saw Eli take a drink of his Coke, and it looked like that was a gesture of gathering his strengths before he asked, "It's so nice in Vancouver right now – twenty degrees still, and Harry told me and Imogen that if we wanted to head there a day early it wouldn't be a problem, and when I asked if you could as well, on account of being my girlfriend, he said of course. Don't feel like you have to come…but it might be fun, it's such a gorgeous city," Eli said, and I was a little shocked that not only did he ask me this without the slightest hesitation, but that he also did so in front of my parents. I knew my answer at once,

"Of course. I'd love to, the last time I was in Vancouver was when I was a little girl and I don't remember much – remember daddy?" I said with a smile, referring to a time when Darcy and my mom and I had flown out to the west coast to meet my dad at the end of one of his work deals and we had spent a weekend sightseeing.

"Of course I remember, sweetheart. Helen, do you recall how upset Darcy and Clare got when it was time to leave?" he asked my mom, and she chuckled in response, and the two of them proceeded to tell an embarrassing story about me and Darcy crying in the airport despite all of my hardest attempts to get them to realize that Eli did _not _need to know that – that smug little amused smirk on his face proved victorious however, as the story went on.

"And where will Clare be staying on this extra night?" my dad sternly asked Eli, and I saw him respond at once, "In the same hotel room that will be hers - hers and our friend Imogen's only, Sir. I promise you…we'll be in our own separate rooms," Eli continued with the faintest of blushes on his cheeks.

"Good," was all my dad said in response, but I knew that the tone in which he said it told Eli everything he needed to know.

"So, I'm rooming with Imogen?" I asked, excited at the prospect. Now that she had smartened up, I found that Imogen was actually rather fun to spend time with.

"You are indeed – since you're going a day early to explore the city a bit Harry figured you didn't need a Vancouver roommate and you know he doesn't like to have us co-ordinators do that extra duty as well, so he paired you with Imogen," Eli explained.

"Who are you staying with?" I asked playfully.

"Me? I'm with my good buddy Wesley again," Eli said, with a roll of his eyes and a smirk, and I couldn't help but giggle in response.

"Wesley doesn't get a Vancouver roommate either?" I asked.

"Apparently he asked on his form to room with someone who he already knew," Eli said as he shook his head in amusement, "and the Centennial Foundation seems to have this idea that me and him are buddy-buddy because of the Degrassi link, but at the same time I have no idea what Wesley is doing putting that on his form – how many people does he know and how is Harry supposed to know who his friends are?" he finished with a shrug.

"I bet Wesley's going to be relieved to hear it'll be you," I replied.

"I wouldn't count on that," Eli shot back playfully, but I knew that our little misunderstanding had been cleared up quite rapidly and that there would be no misunderstandings between the two boys. All in all, I couldn't help but giggle at the vision of Eli and Wesley as roommates - what kinds of conversations would occur between those two? I _really _wished I could be a fly on the wall during those evenings!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. At this time we are beginning to make our descent into Vancouver. We will be landing at Vancouver International Airport in approximately ten minutes, so please reset your seats to the upright position and stow your tray tables away. The weather in Vancouver is beautiful – the temperature is currently 20__o__C and we have clear skies on the west coast on the weather forecast for the entire weekend. If Vancouver is a transfer point for you to the United States, please consult the monitors available at all terminals throughout YVR to check on the departure gate of your next flight. And if Vancouver is your final destination – welcome home. On behalf of all members of our cabin crew, I would like to thank you very much for choosing to fly with WestJet and we hope to see you again in the skies. _

The captain's announcement caused me to stir groggily as I could feel Eli put my chair up and see him stow my tray table away, but as he saw me move, he leaned over, fixed my blanket and gently said, "Hey, it's okay. The descent will take a while, keep sleeping," and his plan sounded good to me so I did so. Besides, I didn't want to worry Eli anymore than I already had – ever since yesterday, I have been having these strange pains in my tummy area, and even if I didn't tell Eli, when we were cuddled on the couch last night he had totally been able to tell that something was off.

It didn't hurt a lot at the time, but I got the feeling that it was getting worse – and ever since getting on this plane, it had become almost really unbearable. I also couldn't go to the washroom, and I felt…nauseated all the time, and I definitely wasn't in the mood to eat anything. Eli tried so hard to get me to eat on the plane; he asked the flight attendant for a first class menu, assuming that I wasn't eating because I didn't like the food in economy, but that wasn't it at all. I could barely stomach the orange juice that I drank only for the purposes of calming Eli down a bit, though I don't think that worked at all. I think it's gotten so much worse because I've been three thousand feet in the air for the last six hours, and I hated that I wasn't feeling good enough to enjoy the pretty sight outside my window. The airport in Vancouver was actually located on a tiny island just outside the city and from above, it all looked like a deep forest in between all of the water; I could tell Eli thought it was interesting, but every so often he would glance back at me with a worried expression on his face. I knew he'd always be fiercely protective, so I didn't think much of it, but pretty soon I also heard Imogen asking him if I was all right…so I knew I must have looked like I was in bad shape if she had picked up on it as well.

I got up at once and made up my mind to just shake this off; I knew Eli was excited to have a day off in Vancouver; apparently he had been here in grade nine with his dad as Bullfrog was covering an event for a radio station, and as the trip got closer and closer, he kept telling me more and more about Vancouver's sights and their music scene, which apparently was one of the best in the country, and I had suggested that we check some of their local live places out, a suggestion that I knew Eli loved as he had immediately flashed me a huge smirk in response. But that was all…before this hit me.

_You can do it, Clare. It's nothing. Just…push it off to the side and enjoy this great opportunity. _

Eli grabbed my carry-on in one hand and he took my hand in his other as we made our way off the plane and having my feet on the ground and being out of that dry plane air strengthened me a bit, so I flashed Eli a smile that he returned at once.

"I think it's this way, guys," we heard Imogen say as she guided us expertly to the airport's exit – she had been to Vancouver on a number of occasions, most notably when she was in grade ten and the Olympics were on in the town, and she told us it was one of the most amazing things she had ever seen, and she advised us to definitely head down to Canada Place where the Olympic cauldron was still on display. Eli had told her that we'd definitely be going there because apparently it had a really nice ocean boardwalk and a view of the water and mountains that he told me I'd love.

We soon all got into a cab and I started to feel a bit better when the drive included many ocean side roads, and Eli had been right about the weather in the city; not only was it so sunny and warm, but Vancouver had really different air than Toronto; it was cool, crisp and clean as the ocean was so close; in Toronto at this time we'd typically be smothered by humidity – and as that was what we were used to, the Vancouver air felt really invigorating to me, which is something I really needed around now. We got to the Fairmount downtown really quickly, and I loved that we were staying at a hotel that was even nicer than the usual standard of the Foundation – Eli had explained to me that they were approaching the end of their grant mandate but the they still had a lot of excess funds that they needed to use, so apparently the standards of the Vancouver conference would be better than the others.

Eli checked us all in, and I couldn't resist the temptation of sitting down in a chair while he talked to the receptionist. Just a few minutes later, we headed into the elevator to our tenth floor rooms, and I was happy to see that they were side by side – I knew it was because I was rooming with Imogen and partner co-ordinators always had to be next to each other. We agreed to take a few minutes to get settled in, and just as we were about to separate, I saw a guy and girl about our age approach Eli and Imogen with a big smile and Eli soon introduced me to Stephanie and George, the two Vancouver chapter co-ordinators.

"Dude, I've lived in this city all my life and I've never been inside this fancy hotel, I love it," George declared with a head bang and Stephanie giggled in response.

"It's so nice – wait until you see your rooms," Stephanie said. "Matt and I just bussed in from UBC a few hours ago after we both finished classes for the day and we've been waiting for you guys ever since. I know we're supposed to have a meeting, but it's a gorgeous Vancouver day so…I think we can do that tonight?" she asked with a smile in our direction, and I could tell that she was a very outgoing girl who was already showing so much consideration towards us. She was dressed in typical west coast fashion; wearing a pair of athletic flip flops and an entire Lululemon outfit, while George had on a pair of jeans, running shoes and a country-style shirt over a black tank top.

"That sounds awesome, I adore your city – I was here for the Olympics and fell in love with Vancouver ever since," Imogen told them.

"Best two weeks Vancouver has ever had," George said as he high-fived Stephanie and then added, "Steph and I actually went to the same high school and we both worked on the Olympics as volunteers. It was amazing," and Imogen congratulated them on a job extremely well done.

"But maybe do you guys want to have lunch first? We had breakfast here earlier and – this hotel is awesome when it comes to food as well, of course," George offered, and we agreed to meet downstairs in the restaurant in twenty minutes.

Eli placed a gentle kiss on my forehead as he softly said, "We don't have to do anything this afternoon, Clare, I can tell you're tired, maybe you should just rest".

"No, no, I want to – we're here, I don't want to miss out," I told him, in reality trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to convince Eli.

"Okay, but please tell me if it becomes too much too quickly," Eli said, and I told him I would.

Imogen and I then headed inside our room and she let out a tiny whistle when she saw how luxurious it was. It definitely was a step up from all of the other rooms we had stayed in for these conferences, but I focused on unpacking at once, trying to get myself to not feel so dizzy. I was happy to see that our bedroom had two huge beds, because I knew I would be tossing and turning around tonight – this was something I always did when I felt sick, and I didn't want to disturb Imogen.

She just threw her suitcase to the side, and didn't unpack anything, and a few minutes later I could hear her talking to Daniel excitedly and telling him about the flight and the nice weather in Vancouver.

I must have dozed off pretty soon though, because I felt her shake me as she gently said, "Clare? We have to go meet everyone else for lunch now," and I woke up at once and when we made our way into the restaurant, I felt a little embarrassed because everyone else was already there and they were waiting for us. I sat down in the seat that Eli had saved for me and he asked me right away,

"How are you feeling?" and I just smiled my most persuasive smile as I said, "A lot better, thanks," and we had a very pleasant meal – Eli and Imogen and Stephanie and George talked a lot about the logistics of the conference, and I knew they valued meeting with each other as the U of T chapter and the UBC chapter were the closest in size, and being that they were literally on opposite ends of the country, they hardly got to talk. Eli and Imogen reassured George and Steph that they would lead a brilliant conference and that at any point they would be there to help, but I could tell that as excited as the Vancouver co-ordinators were to have everyone arrive tomorrow morning, they were also definitely nervous.

George and Steph quickly caught on to the fact that Eli and I were a couple as he held my hand when we were heading back to the elevator and he placed another soft kiss on my forehead, and they invited Imogen to get a tour of downtown Vancouver from them, while they picked up on the fact that Eli and I had our own plans; they just exchanged cell numbers with Eli and told him that if at any point something comes up, he should feel free to give either him or Steph a call.

I grabbed a jacket from my room just in case – I knew the weather in Vancouver could be really unpredictable at times as well – and then I met an obviously excited Eli downstairs as he said, "I was thinking we'd do Canada Place today," and I nodded as I said, "And the music places after dinner?" but he shot me a sad smile as he said, "I think we should maybe just rest after dinner".

I immediately answered, "No, Eli, we don't have to do that," but after a few more comments, we finally just agreed to play it by ear.

Eli held into my hand securely as we made our way to the ocean boardwalk, and just as he had predicted, it really was breathtaking. It felt as if the whole world had just opened up; there were large mountains so close to us, and if you looked closely you could see lights and ski and snowboard accommodations on several of them. They had snow-covered tops and forest-carpeted bottoms, but as charming as the mountains were, my favorite part was definitely the ocean inlet that rested just at their bottom. There were so many sailboats and yachts out on the gorgeous Thursday morning and Canada Place was actually a cruise ship port, so you could see three different cruise ships anchored and loading supplies as a few passengers were beginning to arrive. There were also helicopter pads and many seaplanes constantly arriving on the water, and the Olympic flame was in the middle of a huge plaza that was on the felt side of the boardwalk. Eli and I just took our time walking as he pointed out several things to me, but I was just enjoying the sunshine with him, and when he said we should pick up some ice cream from a vendor, I didn't have the heart to refuse him despite the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to stomach it.

Eli then guided us to a set of really neat huge wooden recliners that anyone could sit on as they admired the ocean and mountain view directly in front of them, but I asked him to sit in the same one as me, and he sat down first and pulled me onto his lap afterwards. I hoped he wouldn't notice, but I strategically placed his hands over my tummy abdomen area, as his gentle strokes on my skin often felt so soothing, so I hoped that that might also work in this moment. But he didn't know that I wanted him to massage my skin however, and I knew that if I told him he might catch on to the fact that I wasn't really feeling better at all, but rather rapidly slipping even further into more pain, so he just rested his hands on top of my blouse, as I struggled to finish my ice cream. I didn't let myself think that…I was at the other end of the country in the moment, in a city I didn't know well, feeling sicker than I have ever felt in my entire life. If I knew it would get this bad, I would have never jumped on that plane; I would have stayed at home instead, but I felt like in the last few hours it had gotten so, _so_ much worse.

I soon drifted off to sleep and then I gently felt Eli stir under me sometime after, and I gasped in shock when I realized that it was now almost dark outside, and when I turned around to face Eli in a panic, I noticed that he had draped his leather jacket on top of me, and as it was black, it had really attracted the rays of the sun intensely, and it had really created a nice warmth for me.

"Clare, it's okay - you fell asleep, and pretty soon after I did too, I guess. Come on, let's go back to the hotel," he gently said, and I felt him place a small kiss on my shoulder as I struggled to say, "But…the music places you wanted to see," and he responded at once, "Those can wait. Right now I just want to get you dinner and get you to bed," Eli said, and I didn't have the energy to fight him on this one.

He got us a cab quickly despite the fact that we were only a few minutes away on foot, but I was secretly really glad for that decision on his part, and when we got to the restaurant, I did my best to have as much dinner as I could, taking it one pasta bite at a time while Imogen excitedly recounted the adventures of her day with George and Steph for me.

I knew they would all need to have their meeting now, so I excused myself from the table, and Eli insisted on walking me up to my room, and he told me everyone would be meeting in his room, and that it would be quick and that if I needed him, I should feel free to walk over or text at any point. The minute Eli left, I exhaled deeply and finally headed right for the bed, trying to take my mind off the pain that had become so much more pronounced, and the last thing I could remember was tightly shutting my eyes and wishing I could be back in Toronto...the thought of traveling even just back to the Vancouver airport

I then woke up later when Imogen entered my room and she got changed into an evening dress – she told me that George and Stephanie were taking her to some of the pubs on Granville Street, but she soon came up right to my bed and she asked me in a serious tone,

"Clare, are you sure you're okay? You look…like you're really sick," and when I struggled to respond, she shook her head and said, "Okay, I'm gonna…I'm going to get Eli," but I pulled my strength together to say, "No, Imogen, no, Eli will be so worried. I'm just so tired; I just need to sleep it off," and Imogen agreed reluctantly.

I then saw Eli enter our room as he ran into Imogen on her way out, and he came to my bed at once as he said, "Clare, something's wrong. Tell me," and I heard the fear in his voice as his eyes scanned my entire body in a panic.

"I…just…I think my stomach hurts," I told him, and I gestured for him to come onto my bed…I really wanted to feel him hold me right now.

"Let's go to the doctor's, we'll call reception, or George and Steph can help us too; they can tell us where to go," Eli said at once, but I just let out a small whine as I said, "No, Eli, please - I don't _want other_ people…I just need _you_. Just come hold me, please, just you," and Eli did so at once, adjusting my body so it was being delicately but securely enveloped by his, and much to my relief, he lifted up my blouse slowly and he started stroking my stomach gently, and even if the pain was still very pronounced, I felt comforted at once…this was the best I had felt since we had left.

"Mmm, it feels so much better, Eli," I sighed, but right as I closed my eyes I saw Eli's own eyes clouded over with pure fear and I could tell a million thoughts were running through his head.

The next time I woke up was when Imogen returned and I felt Eli stop his gentle movements and he pulled my blouse back down right before Imogen entered the bedroom, and a look of worry flashed across her face as well.

"Eli, she doesn't look okay, she's all…pale," she said with a frown.

"I know - I don't know what's wrong, but I don't want to wait anymore; she's going to the doctor's – right now. Imogen, call 911 – it's the same in Vancouver," I heard him say through a haze, and as I saw Imogen pull out her phone I shouted, "No! You guys, 911 is for emergencies; me being tired isn't an emergency. Really, I just need a night of sleep," and the strength I had managed to muster must have convinced them, as I saw Imogen put her phone away.

"If you don't feel better by the morning –" Eli started.

"I'll go to the doctor's, all right, all right," I gave in. As soon as I felt Eli pull away I held onto his arms at once, and I pleaded with him, "No, please, don't go. Stay with me," and Imogen softly said she wouldn't mind.

"Clare…I told your dad….I promised him your room would be yours and Imogen's only," Eli said, and I knew he had indeed said that, but I was still sad to hear that I'd be by myself; Eli's gentle strokes had really helped me.

"Okay," I softly told him as he moved away from the bed and I felt a rush of coldness rush onto me in his absence at once, so I tightly wrapped my blanket over me and I desperately tried to hear what Imogen and Eli were saying as they had moved to the living room, but I just wasn't strong enough; I soon felt sleep overtake me.

**Imogen's POV**

"Are you all right, Clare?" I asked her after I finished holding her hair back…she had puked in the toilet a minute after we had both woken up, and…I couldn't help but wonder if all of this was…

"I'm fine, thank you so much for your help," she said as she started to wash her face and brush her teeth.

"Clare…you know how my parents are surgeons, right?" I asked her, trying to set up our conversation.

"Of course," she replied.

"Well, I've been around them enough to…recognize some things. All of these things that are happening to you…they sometimes happen in…complicated pregnancies," I finally admitted, and Clare immediately blushed deeply. "Have you and Eli…you know?" and she spat out her toothpaste at once as she said, "No, that's impossible. We haven't," and I relaxed at once.

But then…what else could it be? I had a feeling I was missing something here.

"I'm fine," Clare repeated, and over the course of all the conference students arriving and having breakfast, I watched Eli stress over Clare; she was doing all of the regular activities, but her actions just seemed so laboured and as I headed off to run my Open Space workshop, I saw Clare head off in the direction of her grant writing workshop while Eli had to go help George with the city tour details, so I tried to tell myself that she surely must be feeling better if she had decided to run her workshop.

My own Open Space workshop was off to a great start, and I was a little nervous as Harry had decided to sit it on it as well; as the Foundation head I knew he wanted to know what everyone was up and how everything was going, but he had never directly supervised an activity I was doing completely on my own, so I couldn't help but feel extremely thankful that everyone in the workshop was being so incredibly co-operative and enthusiastic.

It was just Harry's turn to speak and he began, "Hey everyone, my name is Harry and I'm that annoying guy who keeps you sending you all those e-mails from those Foundation. If _I_ had to choose the most difficult I have had to overcome in my life, I would have to say it was right around the time that my wife –" he started, but then Steph burst through the door and she said, "Harry – I need you; it's an emergency; Clare, one of the girls from Toronto…something's wrong with her; she's almost passing out, come right now -" and as Harry started running at once, I immediately followed them as I felt my heart sink to my stomach.

When we got to the room in which Clare had been teaching her grant writing workshop, we immediately saw a lot of people around her as she was sitting in a chair, holding a hand to her stomach region and she was incoherently mumbling in response to Harry's questions. I grabbed the black binder I knew we'd need from the backpack Harry dropped as he kept talking to Clare before he told me, "Imogen, she's from U of T, come with me – we're getting an ambulance and taking her to St. Paul's hospital – it's not too far from here," and I immediately nodded in response as I saw Clare writhe in pain before Harry picked her up. Another Foundation representative had arrived, and she was quickly taking control of all of the other people in the room that were originally there to take Clare's workshop, but as we were heading out, I gently addressed Harry and said,

"Harry – we need to – we need to tell Eli; that is Clare Edwards, his girlfriend. He needs to come with us too," and I was happy to see Harry's eyes gain a look of understanding – I knew he knew all about Eli's feelings for Clare from the email he had written about her all that time ago – and he told me to quickly go get him.

I ran down the hallway of the hotel, making my way past maids and room service delivery boys who gave me disapproving looks and I took a deep breath before I entered the room that Eli was working in with George.

I heard Eli saying, "But if we put this group of forty people on the other bus, that'll allow us to –" but as soon as he looked up at me and he took in my dishevelled appearance, the pen immediately dropped from his hand as George looked at us both in complete confusion.

"Imogen, what's wrong?" Eli urgently asked, his voice grave but loud. "What's wrong?" he repeated before I answered,

"It's Clare," and I immediately saw his face lose all of its colour and his hands started shaking as I continued, "She's worse, Eli, and Harry's taking her to the hospital in an ambulance, let's go, come on, he's waiting on us," and Eli immediately started running with me, and so did George.

When we got there, Harry was still holding Clare but Eli transferred her in his own arms at once, urgently calling her name as his entire body started shaking as the ambulance pulled up and soon, Clare was out of Eli's arms and onto the stretcher as I handed the paramedics her emergency medical information form from the black binder that we kept them all in and they began talking amongst themselves in a language that I knew I was the only one of Clare's friends to understand.

Eli was looking at me urgently, and I knew he was aware that I did understand everything the paramedics were saying as we all piled in the back of the ambulance, and as soon as we were out of the vehicle he strictly told me, "Tell me _now_, Imogen, or you will be killing me," and I hesitated for a bit as I answered, "They were just checking her vitals, Eli…they don't know what's wrong," not wanting to tell him that the things the paramedics were discussing had terrified me to the core. They didn't have the slightest clue about what was wrong with her, but…it was bad. Her vitals were not strong, and they had knocked her out with morphine…the strongest painkiller available….which means that whatever was wrong with her….it was serious. Clare was fighting…for her life, I realized, and despite the fact that I knew better than to share this with him, the look in Eli's eyes told me…he knew.


	36. Colder Weather

**Hi lovely readers! DOUBLE UPDATE DAY PART 2 – because if I didn't do one I would have to leave you on a major cliff-hanger and I just don't think our poor little EClare hearts need any more stress right now. **

**Now in regards to if the story will go on or not: Thank you so much for your great reviews; a couple of you pointed to that picture of Eli/Clare/Jake as support for EClare continuing, and I appreciate all of your kind words so much. I am still very much upset by the direction the previews are revealing (they are indeed confusing and contradictory, especially with the fireworks promo), and it does make the story sooo much harder to write, but you know I would never just…not finish, so I am just doing all I can to not let them get to me too much. It is getting and harder and harder though, so please share your thoughts with me. I was going to just completely ignore the promos and such, because I plan on finishing this story around July seventeenth because so many of you have told me you wish it would last until Degrassi is back on TV, and you are so good to me that even though I never planned for this story to deal with their post-grad stuff…it will – but I don't think I'll be able to just completely not pay attention to any previews, because as spoiler-y as they are, they do sort of give me time to prep. If I saw Eli crash Morty without any clue that was coming in DTW, I think I would have had a heart attack. Special thanks to my awesome reviewer ilovetaylorswift13 who told me about Munro Chamber's fb interview…stressed me out even more because I do believe Jake and Imogen relationships might take up way too much of the season after hearing what he said – maybe even the whole season – but I love hearing the most recent news so I greatly appreciate that she took the time to do that, so thank you friend!**

**Thank you so much to all of my lovely reviewers as always: MissLizzie97, Ohmyapplepie21, MartinaAxi, Deena, ilovetaylorswift13, musiksnob, eclarerocks, CheapNovelty, iloveeliandclare, EmandEms, Julsgracie, DegrassiCat, EpicNinjaChica, ToDecember, Michelle-Chambers1, Lizbit, Morty-Lives-Forever, and my friend StalkerAngel!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any other real world references that I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

_I did this to her. I dragged her out here a day earlier, made her walk all around town just because I wanted to see the fucking ocean…I did this to her. Imogen's not telling me the truth, I can tell. I did this to her. I did this to her. I did this to her. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. Always my fault. I killed her. _

"Eli, answer the doctor," I heard Harry say as I snapped out of my wild flurry of thoughts.

"I did this to her," I blurted out as everyone gave me a confused look, including the doctor.

"What do you mean?" he asked me at once.

"She wasn't feeling well, I should have turned us around right back to Toronto, but instead I dragged her out walking, I – don't you see? It's my fault," I frantically said, and I notice the doctor staring at my shaking hands and I was stunned when I felt his hand on my shoulder and he said,

"Eli, right? Is your name Eli?" and I nodded in response.

"I need you to look at me," the doctor urgently told me, and he had the same tone of voice as he said that that Dr. Sadler always did, so I focused on him rapidly.

"Clare is really sick right now. And the things you tell me in the next few minutes might determine if I can make her better. And if I have all the information I need, I can make her better, Eli. I think I know what's wrong with her, but in the time it will take me to get an ultrasound and a CT scan, she will only rapidly get worse. You can answer my questions and you can help me save her, Eli," I heard him say, and I felt my entire body tremble as I only focused on the doctor's brown eyes and I nodded as I purposely told him,

"What do you need to know?"

"First of all, your relationship to Clare – your friends tell me she is your girlfriend?" and I nodded in response at once. _That's why she is going to die. _

"Okay, come with me, Eli," the doctor said, and he took my arm and guided me away from everyone else and into a narrow hallway that I knew they had taken Clare down just a few minutes ago.

"Eli – Clare is suffering a lot of abdominal pain. In a woman of childbearing age, which she is despite the fact that she is at the rather young end of that spectrum, this can be caused by several things. The ultrasound and CT will let me know a clearer picture, but your information will also help me eliminate several possibilities. You need to be truthful with me, okay Eli? Her life is at stake – every second counts".

_Her life is at stake. _

_ Her life is at stake._

_ Her life is at stake. _

_ Her life is at stake. _

_ Her life is at stake. _

_ Every second counts. _

_ Every second counts. _

_ Every second counts. _

_ Every second counts. _

_ Every second counts. _

_ Every second counts. _

_ Every second counts. _

_ Every second counts. _

_ Every second counts. _

_ Every second counts. _

"Okay, Eli, let's get you back to your friends," I heard the doctor say as I finally snapped out of my trance.

"What? No – I can do it, doctor, I am ready now," I said loudly. "What questions? Come on, hurry, you said every second counts!" I urged him.

"First – are you and Clare sexually active? Is there a chance she might be pregnant?" the doctor asked, before he slowly added, "Or the possibility she might be sexually active…with anyone else?"

I shook my head at once as I said, "Clare's on a purity vow; I'm sure she's not pregnant. But…" I said, before recollections of the things we had done together lately flashed before me. Had…the way I had touched her caused this? Could it? Did I…hurt her because I couldn't be patient…because we had done those things?

__"But what, Eli?" the doctor pushed.

"We…did other things," I hesitated before realizing what was at stake here and that it was a doctor that I was speaking to after all, and I told him exactly what I meant.

The doctor gave me a small smile as he said, "There's absolutely no way that those actions caused this, Eli. Don't worry about that, but I have some more questions in that case," and I nodded urgently in response.

"Did Clare's pain start as gradual or was it just one intense burst?" he asked, making some notes on his clipboard.

"Gradual – I think – you see we flew in from Vancouver just yesterday and on the flight I could tell that she wasn't doing so well, but I know now she was trying to hide it from me so I wouldn't worry, but I'm sure it got worse, to the point where she couldn't hide it anymore," I said, and I felt tears invading my eyes.

_I'm such a twisted freak that my own girlfriend felt she had to hide from pain for me. Any other boyfriend would have had their girlfriend at the hospital hours ago, and maybe then her life wouldn't be at risk. Any other boyfriend wouldn't have killed their girlfriend. _

"That's what I had suspected. Okay, good - you're doing very well Eli. Anything else unusual about her lately?" he asked.

"She…complained about pain in her stomach area, and she kept wanting to sleep. Oh - and she wouldn't eat," I remembered.

"Reduced appetite – was she nauseous at all?" he asked, and I heard Imogen shout, "She threw up this morning," and in that moment I was grateful that Imogen was listening to our conversation, because I wasn't with Clare in the morning – like she had asked me to stay with her – and I didn't know. I quickly waved Imogen over and she properly joined the conversation quickly.

"Nausea as well. Okay, Eli – I am now certain Clare has appendicitis," he said, and my mind was all jumbled as I asked,

"She needs surgery? You need to take out her appendix?" and he nodded in response.

"Yes, but I am only a resident and all of our attendings are currently busy," he said nervously, and if I knew that Clare wouldn't need him right now, he would have been on the floor receiving several punches by this time. He was telling me there was no one around to do their fucking job right now? What kind of a joke of a hospital was this?

"What do you mean they're busy? My girlfriend is dying but the doctors are on coffee break?" I snarled, and just as I was about to ensure that that punch was coming after all, I heard Imogen say,

"Dr. Reynolds," she addressed him, reading his name tag, "With all due respect - that is the most ridiculous thing I've heard in all of my life, and my parents are trauma surgeons Drs. Moreno – have you heard of them?" she asked with a fake sweet smile, and now I saw the doctor in front of me cast her a shocked look.

"_Have I heard of them?_ Of course; they literally wrote the book on trauma surgery, I can't believe you're their daughter, I thought they practice at Toronto General," he replied.

"They do, we are all from Toronto and the standard of healthcare in Vancouver that we have seen so far is frankly, a complete joke. It's appalling; my parents would be absolutely horrified at the way you are treating Clare. She needs an appendectomy – don't try to beat around the bush, we all know she does – I'm sure you are aware that a perforated appendix can leak and infect the entire abdomen area, which can be _life-threatening_. Your hospital, doctor, has a legal obligation to operate the minute you diagnose her – which you just did in front of both Eli and myself – and if you fail to act on this obligation in the next minutes, we both know it would mean the complete end of your medical career, not to mention a huge malpractice lawsuit against your hospital, and of course, wide news coverage of how your hospital is killing instead of treating patients," Imogen strictly said, and I watched as the doctor's face turned paler and paler.

Imogen…was amazing.

But there was a huge problem here still. I wasn't about to let this punk cut into Clare – it was obvious he had no idea of how to do the surgery, so I snarled, "Imogen, _he_ doesn't touch Clare. We need a real doctor," and Imogen just gave me a reassuring smile and turned to the doctor as she said, "Oh, don't worry – he's not old enough to be an experienced surgeon. But you can go get me your attending, or – "she continued as she pulled out her cellphone, "I can call my dad and he can just make a call to your attending himself," and just as she finished saying that, we were assured by the young doctor that his attending would be with us in a minute.

We then saw a man in his late 40s approach us, and unlike the young doctor who I was definitely not impressed with, he wasn't wearing just scrubs, but he also had a white lab coat on top.

"Miss Moreno, pleasure to meet you," he said to Imogen at once as he shook her hand and continued, "I'm sorry my resident didn't realize what was going on exactly – I am sure your parents have had to deal with a few…ahem…slower residents themselves," he continued as Imogen allowed him a small smile and a nod.

"My name is Dr. Levy, I have been a gastrointestinal surgeon for fifteen years and I will be performing Clare's appendectomy just as soon as I answer any questions you have," he said, and the difference in tone and willingness to help us between this doctor and the other one was truly outstanding. The hypocrisy potent here almost made me throw up, but I was infinitely grateful to Imogen for making all of this work out.

I knew she might have been playing with a major bluff – if she were to call her dad, would he even answer? Would he actually care enough to do us a favour? I realized that Imogen had played her cards to an absolute perfection, never the slightest hesitation present in her voice or a faltering in her face.

"We don't have any questions. You go do the surgery and we will see in eight hours, am I correct?" she said with a serious tone, and Dr. Levy confirmed everything before Imogen introduced me to him and she sternly said that I am to be updated by a member of the surgery staff as soon as the procedure has reached its successful conclusion, and Dr. Levy nodded at once.

As soon as he left and I knew Clare would be receiving the surgery she needed, I felt as if all of the blood in my body had drained out, and I felt myself slide down to the floor of the hallway, and I knew I had lost control over my body as I felt every muscle in my body tremble wildly, and despite all of Imogen's attempts to calm me, when she tried to touch my hand I knew my jolt scared her, and I was infinitely grateful that she didn't attempt to take me back to the waiting room in which Harry and George were. I knew she went over there to update them on everything, but she returned and just sat next to me in the hallway until its bright fluorescent lights seemed to blend with the painfully white floor and I felt as I existed outside of time and space. I saw Imogen and Harry and George eat something at one point, and she had come over to me and tried to get me to eat something as well, or to drink something, but I don't think I responded and ultimately she must have stopped and she just resumed her original position next to me. The only words I whispered to her were to tell her to tell Harry that we would call Clare's parents when she would come _out _of surgery. Didn't want to alarm them completely just yet. We'd call when she came out of surgery. Because she _had to _come out. She just had to.

I didn't close my eyes for a single second until I saw Dr. Levy come down the hallway again, and he removed a surgery cap and mask from his face, revealing a small smile that instantly made me feel my entire body again. He approached Imogen and I and he said, "Clare's surgery went perfectly. Textbook appendectomy – we were able to remove the infected appendix well before it ruptured. Most patients who have had an appendectomy are discharged within one or two days after surgery, and she will be able to return to her normal activities within two to four weeks after leaving the hospital. I recommend keeping her in Vancouver just for a few extra nights so she is able to gather her strength before she has to go on a flight back to Toronto. Over the next fifteen hours, we will be waiting for her to wake up as the effects of her anaesthesia wear off, and after that, we will continue to monitor her for any signs of bleeding or infection, typical risks that we need to consider after surgery. However – she is young, and she is healthy, and I expect a very rapid recovery from her," the doctor finished, as I shook his hand passionately and thanked him, and Imogen gave him a hug and told him her parents would be very proud of the work he had done and she would make sure that they heard about it.

He instructed us to go to a room upstairs – room 214 – because that was the room that Clare would be assigned to for the next two days to undergo the recovery process, and he specified that another doctor would be bringing her up shortly. Imogen also gave me a quick hug and I told her that I would never be able to repay her for what she did for me, but she just gave me a sad smile and said that it was the least she could do after everything she had put Clare and I through. Harry watched as I called Clare's mom and explained everything to her, and she reassured me that I had done everything correctly, and she said she was really glad that I had been with Clare. She also informed me that she was coming on the next plane out of Toronto, probably with Clare's dad as well, and I was glad to hear that she would call him, as reliving everything and having to explain it once to Clare's mom had been already almost more than I could handle; I just couldn't imagine doing it a second time.

I knew Harry and Imogen and George needed to get back to the conference, so I assured them things would be fine, especially now that Clare's parents were on their way, and Harry told me that he would arrange for me and Clare's rooms to be kept for us by the hotel for as long as we needed them. He handed me a Foundation credit card so I could pay for them once we left, and he told me to charge any changes in our flight fares now that we would be booking new ones to the card, as well as any meals and any other costs, and to tell Clare's parents to keep the receipts from their flights as the Foundation would reimburse them for that cost as well.

Once Imogen gave me one last hug and she told me to call her if I needed anything, I exhaled deeply, so incredibly relieved that Clare's surgery had gone well and that now I could just be with her and away from everyone's questions. Just as Dr. Levy had told us, it was about thirty minutes before Clare was brought into the cold, white room filled with medical carts and a few plastic chairs.

I rushed to her bedside at once, as the nurses told me calm down and held me back as they inserted her bed into the floor locks and connected all of her IVs properly, and they actually had the nerve to warn me that if I didn't listen to their instructions, I would not only be given a sedative, but I would so be prohibited from seeing Clare. My first instinct was to explode at them, but then I remembered that Imogen was gone and I no longer had that secret weapon, so I just decided to take the path of least resistance, and I applied everything Dr. Sadler had ever taught me as I calmed down and just dragged a chair as close to Clare's bedside as possible, and just held her hand as tears flooded my eyes at the sight of her. She was wearing a thin white hospital gown with blue dots all over it, and a white hospital blanket was draped over her and tucked under her arms. Several IVs were connected to her right arm, but I was relieved to see that she was breathing on her own and that her vitals monitor gave off steady, loud beeps that I knew I wanted to stay just as loud and just as steady for as long as we would be in here. Her lips were perfectly shut tightly and I brushed some of her brown curls out of her face like I always did when she was lying in my arms. But this was wrong – she didn't giggle in response as she always did after that particular motion of mine, and she wasn't smiling, or talking, or laughing….her eyes were closed and it was as if…she was frozen.

I laid my head down as close to her body as possible, resting it in the crook between her arm and her body, and I was amazed that her characteristic lilac scent still enveloped me despite all of the strong chemical scents that were present around us in this moment, and I knew that my sobs wouldn't wake her up, so I finally let them overtake me before I had worked myself into such a frenzy that my body became completely exhausted and I fell asleep.

I woke up eight hours later in a panic when the memories of everything that had happened flooded me, and I hung onto Clare's hand a little tighter, breathing a sigh of relief when I saw that her vitals monitor had maintained its strong and steady rhythm. My heart skipped a beat as I heard the door open with a jolt and I saw the same nurses who had scolded me earlier come in, and they had a much more warm tone of voice this time as they patiently said,

"Hi, young man. She's doing great, you know, but I'm afraid we just have to take her for a few tests, and you'll have to leave the room as well and return in two hours, all right?" they said, and I didn't like this plan one bit.

"But what if she is finished with the tests earlier than that, and then she returns here and wakes up and I'm not here?" I said, panic invading my voice, "please, please," I whined, "we came here from Toronto just yesterday for a conference and she got sick – she's all alone, her parents aren't here yet because it is such a long flight and I don't even know if they managed to find one, just…please…let me stay," I pleaded with them, and I saw them exchange sad smiles as they answered,

"Son, she definitely won't be finished for at least two hours, and I'm afraid we can't let you stay here. Besides, I have a few considerations of things she might like to have when she wakes up, and there are many stores right around the hospital, I was thinking you should get them for her – you're her boyfriend, correct?" the older of the nurses asked me and I nodded at once, saying,

"Oh –okay, then. What does she need?"

"Well, her surgery's recovery isn't all that intensive – she doesn't need to wear that robe and a lot of patients don't like being so exposed in them, so maybe you could get her a pair of pyjamas or sweatpants or something along those lines. That's it," the nurse said with a smile.

"Of course, of course I'll get that for her – but which way do I go when I leave the hospital, I'm not that familiar with Vancouver," I said, feeling guilty that I wasn't even able to know where to go so I could get my girl what she needed.

"If you exit the hospital through the north doors, just head down Burrard Street until you get to Robson Street and you will find plenty of stores there," the younger nurse contributed, and I felt a sharp pang in my chest as they took Clare's bed away, but the older nurse quickly said,

"Off you go now, young man, your girl is relying on you – go get her things," and I did so at once.

I felt every muscle in my body ache as I had spent eight hours on the floor the night before and a few more in that chair, and as if the weather decided to match my mood, just as I made my way out of the hospital, the sun disappeared at once and these grey clouds came over the city at once, dumping rain that was much more intense than anything that I had ever seen in Toronto. I followed the nurses' direction and found Robson Street quickly enough, but I had no idea where to buy pyjamas from Clare…I shook my hair out, as it was completely soaked by this point, and just decided to walk into a Roots, and I was grateful that a young salesgirl approached me at once, asking,

"Do you need help finding anything today?" as she flashed me a smile.

"I need a pair of pyjamas for my girlfriend," I blurted out, because I absolutely hated every minute that I had to be away from Clare – whether she was in her room or not, the truth of the matter was that my Clare was in a hospital right now and I was out shopping.

The sales girl blushed as little as she said, "Um, I think LaSenza across the street over there might be what you're looking for," and as I narrowed my eyes at her in confusion I realized how she had misunderstood, so I replied,

"No, no, it's not like that – she's sick and staying at St Paul's, we're from out of town, and I need a comfortable change of clothes for her," I explained, and the girl quickly apologized and led me to the woman's section.

"All right, so what are you thinking of?" she asked as she gestured towards all the clothing, and I quickly began to feel overwhelmed – this was already taking too long…Clare was all alone…without me…

The salesgirl must have realized I was paying no attention to her as she quickly said, "What about this pair of satin pyjamas?" she said, holding it out and I nodded and asked for it in blue…not sure why all of a sudden I had developed particular color preferences, but as I tried to imagine Clare in them, I just…saw her in blue.

"Excellent, and what size do you need?" she asked, and I had no idea what to respond, but the girl looked to be about the same size as Clare, so I shared that with her and I then saw her pick out a medium.

She then blushed a little more as she said, "And Sir…I'll also add these for you, as well," and I saw her reach over and add two pairs of boy shorts and two thin tank tops to the things I was buying, and I was really thankful that she had thought of that, because it sure never crossed my mind, and she knew how to pick out things that I knew Clare would be comfortable in – I had seen her in just those things before, but I'm not sure I would have been able to choose them myself.

"Thank you, that's umm…great," and I could feel my own blush in the moment, but as I looked around the store I added, "Can we maybe get her a T-shirt and some sweatpants as well, in case she wants a change of clothes for during the day or something?" and the girl nodded at once. She helped me choose a pair of really soft and comfortable black sweatpants and she also picked out a green shirt with the Roots logo on it, and I saw a collection of really nice zip-up sweaters with the same logo and 'Vancouver' in nice writing on them with a pretty Canadian Olympics theme, so I asked her for one of those as well, thinking Clare would like to wear that when we were finally out of the hospital and heading home to Toronto. Just the image of being on that plane home brought a light film of tears to my eyes, but I blinked them away as the salesgirl processed my credit card and packed everything up in a nice large Roots bag.

Just before I was about to leave, I turned around and asked her, "Miss, I'm so sorry to bother you again – I appreciate how much you have helped me so much – but…if you were in my girlfriend's position…is there anything else you would want to have?"

She gave me a thoughtful look as she pulled out a post-it and a pen and said, "Yeah…there would be a few things," and I encouraged her to write them down, and she also patiently explained where I could find the necessary stores all up and down Robson street.

**Helen Edward's POV**

"This one, Randall, it's this one, 214," I said, but I was taken aback to see that not only the door was locked, but that Eli was nowhere to be found. I would have been willing to stake my life on the fact that if my daughter was in that room, Eli wouldn't be further than a pebble's distance away.

"Why is it locked?" Randall asked in a panic, and I started to feel tears come over my face. Not only had my daughter had emergency surgery at the other end of the country, but now I couldn't even find her? What kind of a hospital was this?

I felt Randall wrap me up in a hug, and I immediately froze a little as it had been so many years since we had embraced, but I soon melted into his grip as I felt him patting my hair down gently, and he softly asked a nurse who passed by about Clare.

"Oh, you're her parents – I am really glad you are here – the young man with her is completely distraught, we are actually a little worried about him; Clare's recovery is going very well – she is in the lab doing some testing; she is still asleep due to the effects of the anaesthetic, and I was unable to let the young man in the room all alone; hospital policy,"

Randall and I both exhaled upon hearing the nurse's confirmation of what Eli had told us on the phone - that Clare was fine – and I wasn't exactly surprised to hear that Eli was so disconcerted. I knew about what had happened with his first girlfriend and about how generally protective Eli was of the people he loves, so I knew we'd have to help him cope a little bit here. He'd been dealing with the crisis part of the situation on his own, and it really was a big job for an adult, but…poor Eli, all alone with this situation in a town at the other end of the country.

"Where is he? Eli, the young man, he is our daughter's boyfriend," I asked the nurse.

"Well, firstly he went out to buy a few things your daughter will need when she wakes up – I just recommended that he get her a set of comfy PJs as many patients don't like wearing the hospital robes, and there is no need for Clare to wear one; but he bought a lot of other things as well, rather thoughtful on his part, the girl will feel very well looked after," and I gave her a small smile – that sure sounded like Eli to me. The nurse continued, "I allowed him in the room to drop the things off – he was soaked coming in from the downpour of the rain - but I told him he couldn't be on this floor until Clare returns, so I believe he headed downstairs, he must be waiting down there," the nurse finished, and I felt Randall take my hand as he guided me down the stairs.

However, Eli was nowhere to be found in the waiting room, and he wasn't answering any of Randall's calls or texts, and just as we headed into an empty hallway to strategize – this was a completely new town and we couldn't find him anywhere – should we call his parents? Maybe the police? – we heard a series of soft sobs coming from the end of the hallway, and we followed them to their source, and Randall and I both gasped when we realized what had happened.

Eli was…in the hospital's chapel.

It was a small and simple chapel, with just a few wooden benches, and no one was in here except one body and I knew at once it was Eli, even if his head was buried in his arms and his shoulders were shaking; he was wearing a black blazer and I recognized his dark hair at once, despite the fact that it was completely wet. I asked Randall to give me a minute at the entrance while I quietly walked to the third aisle from the back and slowly slid in next to Eli. He must have felt me sit down next to him as he jolted and lifted his head at once, and his green eyes were completely red, his nose was also bright red, and his entire face was tear-stained.

"Eli…she's fine. She's okay, Eli," I whispered, but I only saw him shake in response as he whispered, "I'm sorry".

"For what? For taking such good care of my daughter?" I asked him, and I saw Randall come and sit down on the other side of him.

"_I_ brought her here! Spending a sunny day in Vancouver – it all seems so ridiculous, so trivial – _I_ ended up putting her in the hospital," he sobbed, burying his face in his folded arms all over again.

I saw Randall place a hand on his shoulder as he said, "Eli, you aren't responsible for Clare's infected appendix. Her sister Darcy had the same thing happen to her when she was a child. If anything, Helen and I were grateful that at least this happened when you were right here with her; you always take such good care of her, Eli. This is not your fault - I know the fact that it happened on the other side of the country is rather awful; but Eli…if you hadn't gone a day earlier…it would have happened on a plane, and then Clare would have been in serious trouble then," Randall continued, his voice breaking as he laid out a possibility that hadn't even occurred to me.

"_I _did this to her," Eli just stubbornly replied, not raising his head. "It's _my_ fault; this is what happens to everyone who loves me; they not only get emotionally hurt time and time again, but they are put in hospitals. I'm going to hurt your daughter even worse one of these days. I'm going to go. I…should…I should just go," he said, standing up at once as my eyes widened in surprise.

"Go where, Eli?" I asked in shock.

"Toronto. Please tell Clare…that I can't be around her anymore," Eli said, but I took his hand at once.

"Eli Goldsworthy. Sit yourself down," I sternly told him, and since I had never addressed him in such a tone, he was rather surprised but I was pleased to see that he did as I told him at once.

I continued in the same strict tone, "Do you _want to_ kill my daughter, Eli? Because playing with her emotions like that _will_. How do you think Clare will feel without you here? When she wakes up and finds you gone?" I asked him, and I saw him flinch at once, and I regretted asking him that immediately.

He shakily whispered, "Like…she did something wrong. Something bad. Really bad. Like…things will never the same again. She'll feel…numb, comatose almost," and my heart ached at that admission on his part.

"Eli, did you hear what Randall told you?" I asked him as Clare's dad shot me a warm look.

"Yes," Eli softly whispered.

"He was right. As horrible as this news was to receive, we both felt a little better when we knew that you were here with her. Eli – you've always stood by Clare beautifully, and I hope you won't let the false perception you are having in this horrible stressful moment cloud your judgement," I slowly told him, and I was happy to see him meet my gaze as he wiped a few tears away.

"Okay," he softly said, as a tremor overtook his entire body.

Randall and I both placed an arm around him and sat in silence for a few minutes before I gently asked him, "Eli…were you…praying?" curious as to what made him enter the hospital's chapel of all places.

He shut his eyes tightly as he said, "Not really, no…I don't know what made me come in here…but…_she isn't waking up_. _She isn't waking up_," he whispered shakily. "And the nurses…they won't bring her back up…and….I just came in here, thinking about….how much I really want her to wake up," he softly said, as Randall and I exchanged heartbroken looks.

I heard Clare's dad gently say, "Eli…it's easy now; the surgery is over; the only reason she's not waking up is because of the anaesthesia; there are still several hours until she will do that, but this is normal and expected – there's nothing wrong," logically explaining everything, but I knew that we were both aware that Eli's desperation had long overpowered his rational thought.

I softly asked him, "So you're just…wishing that she wake up in here," beginning to understand his impulse of entering the chapel a little more.

Eli got a tone of determination in his voice as he replied, "I'm sorry I'm not religious. I just…am not. I can't. I never was and after…I saw a fourteen year old girl who would have done so much good be taken away from the world for no reason…I can't really believe that someone is looking out for us all after that," he explained, and…I understood him. Especially considering that he had never been brought up in a religious home to start with.

"That's okay, Eli. That's okay," I reassured him.

I saw him slowly uncurl his fists as he continued, "So…I am not sure why I came in here. In here, I just felt…not closer to God, but closer to…Clare. And…yeah, I did plead for her to wake up, though I am not sure who I was directing that to. Even if I were to believe in God, I'd…I'd have no clout with Him. God wouldn't even know who I am," he solemnly declared, and my heart broke when I saw how much pain had collapsed onto him in this moment.

"I wouldn't even know _how _to pray. I couldn't even do that for her," he whispered.

I was struggling for the right words to tell him in response when I saw Randall lean forward, kneel and rest his intertwined his hands on top of the bench in front of us as he closed his eyes and said,

"_Dear God, _

_I need your guidance. Please help my daughter recover from her surgery successfully; please help her wake up soon. Please help my daughter's boyfriend realize just how much he helps her every day and how much she loves him and never wants him to go anywhere. _

_Amen_," he finished, as Eli looked at Randall awestruck for the entirety of his prayer.

Randall then returned to his seat and placed his arm around Eli's shoulder as I softly said to him, "Eli…I know you don't believe in God, and I understand why, I really do. But…you're a great and extremely capable young man. You save children from a life of loneliness and poverty through your grant writing; God knows who you are, Eli," I delicately told him, and I soon felt him collapse into my embrace as he continued softly crying and Clare's dad kept his hand on Eli's shoulder.

It took a long time for him to calm down, but eventually he did, and he then insisted that two hours were almost over – explaining that the nurses had said Clare would be returned from the lab after that time period, and he rushed upstairs again and I knew the nurses took pity on him, as they opened her room even though she was still in the lab.

Eli's hands were still shaking as we all took a seat, and I was relieved that it was only about thirty minutes before a team of doctors and nurses brought my daughter in, and this time it was Randall and Eli's turn to hold me…the sight of my little girl in that hospital bed terrified me…she looked so small and vulnerable.

Clare continued sleeping for a long while, but all within the time frame that the doctors had given us, and very soon I felt myself drifting off in Randall's arms.

**Clare's POV**

I stirred and tossed around the bed, hoping I hadn't slept in so long that I missed the beginning of the conference. But then…a series of memories from the conference breakfast, the start of my workshop….they all flooded me and I panicked at once. I opened my eyes immediately, and as I took in the room I realized…Oh my God, I was in the hospital – and my parents were here? Was I in Toronto? How did I get here? I then moved my head to the other side and my heart broke when I saw Eli throw his leather jacket off of the front of his body at once – he had been using it as a blanket – and he rushed over to my side at once, pouring me a glass of water as I softly coughed. My throat felt so dry, but after he gently held up the cup to my mouth and I quickly drank it, I was able to whisper, "What happened?" not wanting to wake up my parents.

"You had appendicitis, Clare," he whispered back and I rubbed my head as I gently replied, "Like Darcy," and I was a little surprised to see Eli nod in response.

"You felt sick during your grant writing workshop, and Harry and Imogen and George and I brought you here," he explained. "They left when everything was all right with the surgery, but I called your parents – I told them everything was okay; I waited until after you were out of surgery to call them so I wouldn't completely freak them out," he continued and I was really grateful for that choice on his part. Eli also explained how Imogen had helped me so much in a difficult situation with what sounded like a truly ridiculous doctor, and he also told me everything about the surgery and the intended recovery time, and when he finished, I saw him let out a shaky breath as I grabbed his hand and stroked it softly, taken in the light stubble on his face, his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained face.

"Thank you," I whispered, but I knew something was wrong with him as he wouldn't my gaze.

"Eli?" I asked him, but he just leaned in and placed a finger over my mouth as he said, "Shh, Shh, you rest," and I felt myself doze off again after he pulled his chair up as close as possible to my bed and he laid his head down next to my abdomen while I ran my hand through his hair several times before I fell asleep.

The next time I woke up, Eli also did, and he stepped out in order to give me some privacy with my mom and dad. They told me about their own quick journey from Toronto, and my heart swelled to see my dad holding my mom's hand the entire time that they talked to me. When I asked them if Eli had been all right, I saw them exchange worried looks as they explained to me that….they had found Eli in the hospital's chapel, and my eyes teared up when I heard what he had told them. They told me that Eli had actually woken up another time in between the last time that I did, and so did they – it was when Eli told them that I had indeed woken up once –and he then stepped out to make arrangements for my mom and dad to have a room at the hotel. I asked my parents to give me a moment with him when he'd return, and when he did, carrying a tray of Starbucks drinks, he handed my mom and dad a latte, and he warmly told me, "When you're ready, I have a latte for you too," and he just put the cup meat for me and the one intended for him down on the table next to my bed.

I moved for him to sit on the bed, but he just said sighed and said, "Clare, I don't know…" but when he saw my lower lip quiver at that answer he immediately changed his mind and added, "Okay, okay, but…I don't want to hurt you," and I assured him he wouldn't, and I noticed that as I snuggled into his embrace, he kept his left hand far from my bandage. My eyes almost teared up when he did however, start to softly stroke the region of my torso that hadn't been operated on and I gently whispered,

"You took such good care of me, Eli," but I didn't hear him respond, so I pushed, "You know that, right?" and he softly said, "I…hate that you're here".

"Eli, if you hadn't planned for us to go a day early, this would have happened on the plane. I…might have –" I pointed out, but Eli shouted at once, "Don't. Don't you e_ver_ say that, Clare Edwards. I'm not going to let that happen to you. _Ever_. In fact, when the time comes for that, I insist to be the one to go first," he said, and I felt a tear fall into my hair so I held onto him tighter and I said, "Okay. Okay, Eli," and I gently kissed his hand.

"Clare…" I heard him softly continue, "I…hate that I did that to you…making you come to the hospital like that after I crashed Morty. I…only now I think I fully realize how you must have felt, and I can't believe I was responsible for making you feel that way," he said.

"Listen to me," I said at once, and I moved to face him and I gently pushed his bangs away from his face as I continued, "You were sick, Eli. You're better now, and that horrible night is past us. We both survived it".

I felt Eli's chest shake though, and he whispered, "I…know I was sick. But…I hate how everyone uses that as an excuse for my behaviour. Because it wasn't; my mental health problems shouldn't have been an excuse for my behaviour," he said, gritting his teeth.

This was something he had never shared with me before, and I wasn't happy with the direction he was taking.

"Eli, it may not excuse it; but it just…explained it. That's all I wanted…an explanation. And I got it, and I love you," I said, and I placed a gentle kiss on his lips that he urgently responded to, so I deepened it a little, because after what he had said I needed to feel him alive just as much as I knew he needed to feel me the same way.

As Eli kept stroking my stomach, my robe was getting all tangled and I confessed, "Ugh, I hate this thing," and I saw Eli gently get off the bed as he said, "The nurses said you don't have to wear it – so I got you these," and he laid out a soft satin pyjama set that I adored, as well as a pair of black Roots sweatpants and a green T-shirt, and he had even picked up a gorgeous Vancouver hoodie.

"Eli, oh my God, you didn't have to do all this," I told him upon looking at everything he had picked up.

"I just want you to be comfortable for the next two days," he said with a shy shrug.

"Oh, I want to save that nice hoodie for after; I want to wear it all the time," I said excitedly, and Eli flashed me a smirk as he said, "I thought you might say that," and I was so glad to see that crooked smile cross his face that I just said, "Kiss," and he came over to the head of the bed and got closer to me at once and I delivered on my promise.

"Mmmm," I murmured as he pulled away, and I whispered, "I love you," and he replied "I love you too," at once.

"Do you want some berry juice?" he asked me shyly, catching me by surprise.

"How do you have that?" I asked him as I raised my eyebrow inquisitively.

"I picked it up at a Marketplace IGA down the street," he said, and my heart swelled when I saw that he also had bought a toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush, a bottle of lilac shampoo, a lot of magazines, one of which was _The New Yorker,_ two novels that I had actually wanted to read for so long now, and there was also something else left in the bag, but he said it was nothing, that it was for when I changed, but I just giggled and said,

"Let me see what else is in there," I repeated, but he just said, "No, it's nothing, really," but I was really curious so I just kept giggling and I managed to grab the bag from him as Eli got a blush on his face and quickly stuttered, "I…didn't even think about that, but the girl at the store that helped me just picked it up".

I thought it was adorable that he was a little embarrassed and I completely believed him, so I just pulled him on the bed next to me and I gave him a gentle kiss as I said, "It's okay. It's not even…LaSenza stuff or something super sexy like that; you don't have to be embarrassed. Why are you being so nervous about this?" I asked him, because it did seem a little much after we had been a little intimate…but I never expected Eli's answer; he told me that he was worried when I first got to the hospital that in being a little bit more intimate with me he had hurt me and that before he knew I had appendicitis, he thought it might have something to do with what he had done.

I just gave him a tight hug as I said, "Eli, that's ridiculous - don't be silly. You'd never hurt me," and I felt him take a deep breath as he said, "Okay".

I shyly added, "I want to change…do you think you could call my mom to help?" and Eli did so immediately. It was hard to get changed all by myself with the many bandages, and under my hospital robe I was completely exposed…and I wasn't ready for Eli to see me quite like that, especially under these circumstances.

My mom came in and helped me and then told me, "Jeez Clare, I never knew Eli was a shopaholic," a comment which caused me to giggle madly and explain, "I think he was just a little freaked out," and my mom nodded in response before giving me a few giggles of her own.

"And he bought you…underwear?" my mom said, which caused me to blush madly as I explained the situation, and my mom chuckled as she explained she couldn't imagine Eli talking to a sales girl and explaining what he needed, and just as we were both laughing intensely by now, Eli and my dad knocked and asked to come in, and as I was wearing my PJs now, we told them to go ahead.

After we all settled down and Eli chose a movie on TV for all of us to watch, my dad stepped out to get dinner, telling me the hospital food was not an option. I quickly told Eli,

"I'm really sorry you have to miss out on the conference. And you're a chapter co-ordinator too!" alarm flooding my voice as I realized the conference would almost be over by now and Eli hadn't even been there for a single second.

"I could care less about that," he responded at once, "and Imogen's got it, don't worry. It's not our conference, we don't have to do that much; Steph and George told me all about their plans, they definitely had it under control," he assured me as my mom also gave me a small smile.

Eli stepped out of the room only to return with another heated blanket; he would bring me one every half hour from the hospital hallway despite my insistence that he didn't need to do so, but he would just gently reply, "What? No, I know you like to be warm, it's not a big deal," and my mom cast me warm smiles as she would watch him drape the new blanket over me.

"I love these pyjamas," I told him as I snuggled with my new blanket, and I saw the pleased smirk that involuntarily crossed his lips.

"They are really nice, Eli," my mom added. "Where did you get them again?"

"There is a big shopping street close by; Robson Street, and I just went into the Roots there because it was so close," he explained.

I saw my mom cast me a mischievous wink before she added, "Right, I love Roots. Their sales people are always especially helpful, they can help you find the hardest things to pick out," and as I felt my own cheeks redden, I also saw Eli get the faintest of blushes on his own cheeks as he stuttered, "Y-yeah, there-there was girl who helped me pick out Clare's things; they were kind of the same size. But she was not nearly as beautiful as you," he whispered as he placed a gentle kiss on my forehead, a bit of a daring move in front of my mom.

A short while after, my dad walked in the room carrying Earl's takeout, and I was happy that he had remembered that Eli liked cheeseburgers and fries, and he had even remembered to even get him a Coke. I also watched happily as I saw that he had ordered a variety of things for him and mom together, and they shared items from each other's meals.

As Eli politely thanked my dad for getting him dinner, I saw my dad sadly smile at him as he asked, "Of course…when is the last time you ate, Eli?" and Eli just said, "Don't worry about it, Sir, I've been fine, just not hungry," and my heart broke as I…just knew that Eli probably hadn't eaten since breakfast practically two days ago, but he didn't want anyone to know.

After dinner, I began flipping through some of the magazines Eli had brought me, and as night fell on the city and I could see the mountains and ocean gain a beautiful purple hue, I felt myself starting to doze off as a nurse entered my room and made some notes on the chart lying at the end of my bed.

"I'm afraid Clare can only have one person say overnight with her, hospital policy," she said, and I saw Eli lock his gaze with my parents at once and while he didn't say anything to my mom and dad, desperation and worry was etched all over his face.

"All right, you stay, Eli," my mom sighed, and my dad nodded in response as he playfully added, "But no funny business," and Eli quickly responded, "Wouldn't dream of it, Sir". Eli stepped out of the room for a minute so I could be with just my parents for a little while, and after they said good-bye and assured me that they would return first thing in the morning, I heard Eli talking to them outside, explaining how to get to the hotel and he also gave them a Foundation credit card that he seemed to have, telling them to give it to the hotel and use it for any other expenses.

After I heard them say goodbye, I saw Eli re-enter the room, and he gave me a soft, "Hey," replacing my blanket another time, but I mischievously pulled him next to me just as he was doing so, and I settled the blanket over both of us.

"Mmmmm, these really are heated," Eli said as I buried my face in his neck and I breathed in the scent I loved so much, even placing a few kisses on his neck that much to my delight made him tremble a bit, so I decided to play with him a little and I made my kisses more and more aggressive, tugging at his skin until I heard him let out a small gasp.

"Okay - no funny business, you heard, Edwards," he said with a smirk, so I just flashed him a pout as he warned, "Don't you even dare," and he grabbed _The New Yorker _from my night table and he began to read a short story out loud to me, but before he even got to the end, I had drifted off to sleep already.

The next morning, I heard Eli stumble away from me as the door opened and he had just nonchalantly made it back to a chair safely before my parents entered the room, happily smirking as he looked at me as if he had been sitting in that chair the entire night, and I just narrowed my eyes and shook my head at him playfully.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" I heard my mom ask at once as she took in my expression and Eli smugly responded, "Clare doesn't approve of my snoring," but I could no longer control myself and I ended up giggling madly as I saw my mom and dad roll their eyes at each other.

"Jeez, you two," my mom said with a slight tone of irritation, but I saw the playful smile that she gave my dad.

"When can I go home? Or…I mean the hotel?" I asked, but Eli just quickly said, "Sorry, no can do – you'll be on hospital arrest until the doctors clear you," and he poured me a glass of berry juice that I accepted at once.

"Was everything all right at the hotel?" Eli asked my parents.

"It was; we just booked one extra room, I think it's right next to the one that must be yours, Eli – 1007," my mom said as Eli nodded in confirmation.

"Just one? Not two?" I asked, amazed at the possibility that my mom and dad had chosen to share quarters – I knew each room had two beds, but…still.

"No need to waste the Foundation's money," my mom said with a shrug, but I had a feeling that something was a little off here.

"Anyway, I have breakfast," my dad said, quickly changing the subject and we all ate peacefully. After breakfast, I convinced Eli to take me for a walk on the hospital balcony, and my mom helped me change into my sweatpants and T-shirt before Eli reluctantly agreed. He treated me like a porcelain doll on the entire walk, as if he thought I was about to break any second, but I wasn't upset at him; I understood how scared he had been that this entire thing had happened to me, and I was glad to see that he was able to recover from how perturbed he had been by the whole affair so quickly.

When I returned to my room, I began reading one of my novels as I encouraged Eli to start the other, and my dad kindly offered to let Eli use his laptop to e-mail both of our professors to explain the situation…we would be a few days late in returning to Vancouver, and while I knew I needed to take two weeks to rest, I still planned on going to classes. I was really relieved when both Eli and I began to get prompt replies from our professors, all of them wishing me the best and telling Eli that they hoped everything would be fine. While all of them were very short, Dr. Gifford, now my professor and Eli's research supervisor over the summer, had opted to email us both at the same time, giving Eli strict instructions to "look after the young lady like a true gentleman and bring her back to Toronto safe and sound," a comment that we both chuckled at, as the image of Dr. Gifford saying that to Eli as he lowered his glasses and pointed his index finger at him flooded both of our minds.

The rest of the day went by rather slowly, as I finally convinced Eli to take me for a more adventurous walk, this time on the streets surrounding the hospital, but he drew the line quickly, just after a few blocks, and not even my secret weapon - a killer pout – worked, so I knew it was a fruitless battle and I just agreed to return. My mom and dad had to return to the hotel for an additional night as the doctor wanted to keep me for just a day longer, apparently just for observation's sake, and Eli thanked them politely for letting him stay again.

As soon as he had snuggled in bed with me, I heard him practically crash as he stumbled out of the bed as the door opened, and I knew he was panicking that maybe my dad had forgotten something, but when it turned out to be just a nurse, and she had left within minutes, I teased him mercilessly,

"Awkward bed stumble…is that typical James Bond move #3?" and he just smirked at me and said, "Maybe I should really sleep on the chair tonight," and I let my face fall in an expression of extreme sadness before he came over and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Clare, I didn't really mean-" but as soon as he was close enough, I just pulled him onto the bed aggressively as he widened his eyes and huskily whispered, "Not tonight, Edwards, I've got a headache," and I just laughed quite loudly in response as I rested my head on his chest and played with the many rings on his hand.

"Eli…do you think you could help me do something?" I slowly asked.

"Of course," he replied at once.

"I…feel kind of gross and I kind of wanted to wash my hair, but I can't really shower because of the bandages I was told, but maybe you could help me just wash my hair over in that small bathtub in the washroom?" I specified, a little embarrassed that I would need his help with this task.

"Sure," he said with a smirk. "Whenever you want," he added.

"Do you think we could do it now?" I responded, "I don't think I have much left in me for tonight".

"Those kisses could've fooled me," he shot back at once, but he quickly agreed and he moved off the bed and he locked one of his arms behind my knees while he set the other around my shoulders, and I tried to tell him, "No, I can walk," but he just softly whispered, "Hey – it's okay – I've got you," and he gently picked me up and led me into the washroom that was joined with my small room.

He slowly put me down and I gave him a soft kiss as I locked my hands behind his neck and then I locked my gaze with his. I held my arms up and I felt his breath hitch as he lifted the soft satin shirt over my head, and he gently ran his hands up and down my sides as he guided me towards the edge of the bathtub and he told me to sit down on the small stool that existed in the bathtub. I was left in a rather revealing tank top undershirt, but I didn't feel uncomfortable as I watched Eli head back to my room so he could grab my shampoo, and when he returned he turned the water on and I saw him take off his blazer and T-shirt until he was left wearing only a black men's undershirt that really accentuated his lean shape. He asked me if the temperature of the water was all right and I nodded after placing my hand under it for a second. Just as I began to wonder how we were going to make this work, I saw Eli sit on the edge of the tub and he told me to just sit down and lay my head over his knees so it would be just over the tub.

"Your pants will get soaked that way, Eli," I pointed out, so I added, "It's…it's okay to take them off," and he double checked before he did so and he was left only in black boxers, and as he sat back down on the edge of the tub, I then lay my head over his legs. He slowly placed the showerhead just over my curls, getting them all wet as I felt my body get goose bumps in reaction to the temperature of the water. I knew my thin tank top was showing every reaction of my body, but Eli didn't lose his focus as he gently ran his fingers through my wet curls, and then I saw him reach for the shampoo bottle and I then felt him lather the lilac-scented foam into my curls. His movements were strong and assertive, yet incredibly gentle and patient at the same time, and he was taking his time and doing a thorough job, but he kept his eyes locked with mine the entire time, and after a while I could no longer abstain, so I just softly whispered, "Kiss," and he smirked slightly before he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on my lips, which felt incredibly electric as his face was sideways to mine…it made everything feel so different. I then felt Eli slowly massage my scalp, as I told him, "Oh, that feels so nice," and he just cast me another smirk in response as he continued doing it for a while.

"Eli?" I gently asked him.

"I love you," I softly whispered, and this time he was the one to initiate another delicate kiss, this one a lot more passionate than the previous one. As he pulled away, he softly breathed, "I love you too, Clare".

He then moved the showerhead over my hair and he gently ran his fingers through my curls, getting rid of all the shampoo as I felt its lovely scent overtake me and I closed my eyes as he finished, and I could tell that he was done when he lightly kissed my cheek. He then slowly raised my body off of his as he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my head and began shaking out my wet tussles, taking great care in advancing from side to side, and he even grabbed the hairbrush from beside my bed and he gently brushed my hair before he reached for the hair dryer that was in the room. He turned it on and gently shook out my curls as he guided the warm current through each section of my hair as I kept my hands on his chest, and a few times I grabbed his hand and directed the blow dryer towards his own hair and face with a giggle as Eli chuckled in response and re-took control of his job. When my hair was all dry, he brushed it all over again, and I couldn't help but press my chest against him as I repeated, "Thank you. You take such good care of me," and I rewarded him with a long kiss as I finally felt him succumb to caressing my chest, and we remained like that for a few minutes until he pulled away, his face slightly flushed as he put his jeans, and T-shirt back on and he helped me back to my bed.

"Can you read to me again?" I gently asked him as we snuggled in the hospital bed, and Eli sent a smirk my way before he opened the novel that I had begun reading to where I had folded the corner of one of its pages, and he began reading it animatedly until I whispered,

"Eli…do you remember how when you worked at Chapters you did story time for the kids?" I softly asked and he said, "Yeah, it was fun actually".

"I…came to see you a few times, you know," I admitted, and I lifted my head a bit so I could see the smug little look he had on his face as he said, "Did you now?" and I gently kissed his shoulder as I said, "I loved it, Eli. You're gonna make a great dad one day, you know," I told him, and I felt him give me a light squeeze as he said, "And you'll make an amazing mom someday, Clare. After school, after you do everything you've always wanted to do…once you're ready".

I grinned up at him as I replied, "Hmm. Maybe someday," and I felt Eli intertwine our fingers under the blanket as sleep overtook me.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I'm so glad to at least be out of that hospital," I told my mom and dad as I hung out in their room in the hotel while Eli was packing his things – we had booked flights for tomorrow morning after my parents and Eli insisted that we stay in Vancouver for two extra days before heading on a plane, and as it had been three against one, I had obviously lost that particular battle.

"Me too, sweetheart," my mom answered as she brushed my hair on her bed, while dad was packing his own suitcase over on the other bed.

"Have you seen my blue shirt, Helen?" my dad asked my mom and she responded at once, "Oh, I gave it a quick wash; then I hung it up in the bathroom to dry, it should still be in there," she responded, once again surprising me.

My dad soon returned from the bathroom, and I heard him say with a smile, "Clare-bear, I was thinking we should head out of this hotel for a bit – I was thinking I could take my girls, and Eli of course, to a nice waterfront restaurant; we are in Vancouver after all," and I lit up at once when I heard those news – I had felt a little trapped in here, and I knew it was important that I rest, but…this proposition on that part of my dad was such a blessing.

"Oh, daddy, I'd love that so much," I said at once as my mom also smiled and she said she would iron the blue dress that I had packed. Once I returned to the hotel, I was able to reclaim all of my clothing – when I had asked Eli why he hadn't just brought me my bag instead of buying all those things, he had told me that while the hotel was about fifteen minutes away from the hospital, the Robson Street stores were just a few minutes away, and he told me he had wanted to return to me as soon as possible. As soon as I heard that logic, I understood at once.

My dad gave me a reassuring smile as he said, "All right, then, I'll go get Eli and we'll be on our way," and he went off to the next room.

**Randall Edwards' POV**

I noticed Eli's hotel room door was ajar, so I didn't even have to knock before entering it. I was pleased at the way Eli had behaved himself on this trip, and I really had been glad that he had been with my daughter, because I knew he was very concerned with protecting her, as he should be. He was no longer overbearing as he had been in the days that caused their relationship to come crashing down, and I had been glad to see that he had been able to make that change, as after finding out from Clare's mother what Jake had attempted to do with my daughter, that little rascal should be thanking his stars he is still alive. I knew Eli was the perfect person to throw him a few punches that night that he brought my little girl back from Mont Tremblant, and even though at first glance he is definitely not the type of boy who I imagined my Clare-bear to be with, appearances are often deceiving. So far, Eli has proven himself to be a good, intelligent and very capable boy, and as long as he keeps taking good care of Clare in this way, I can see the two of them having a future, especially as Eli's career future seems to be shaping up nicely.

Just as I entered his room, I noticed that he was strangely in bed, his covers all around him, and when I approached him gently saying, "Eli – I was thinking I could take everyone to dinner," I noticed that he was indeed asleep, and his face was bright red. When I placed my head on his forehead, I felt that it was flaming hot, and I became alarmed at once, particularly when he did not wake up as I shook him – he had seemed fine all this time, even if lately I did notice that he had become a lot quieter.

I quickly went back to the room that Helen and I stayed in, and my little girl asked me at once, "Is Eli getting ready, daddy?" and I saw her look at me curiously as I also saw Helen lock her gaze with me. I hesitantly said, "I don't think…that he's feeling too well," and Clare widened her eyes at once, and she headed right to his room as her mother and I followed.

I saw Clare head right for his bedside as she gently shook him, saying, "Eli? Eli?" and he softly stirred at her voice, slowly sitting up as he rubbed his eyes and said, "Clare?" obviously a bit confused as he added, "Sorry, sorry, I fell asleep," but Clare also put her hand to his forehead as she softly said, "Eli, you're burning up. Mom, he has a fever," urgency and fear in her voice as Helen also checked on him.

"It's not a big deal," Eli started to say but Clare just said, "Lay down, Eli, lay down," and she ran back to our room and returned with the Tylenol pills that she knew I always carried in my bag and she made him swallow one, which he actually had some difficulty doing.

"Mommy, what's wrong with him?" Clare whispered as she tucked him in and softly ran her fingers through his hair – a sight which I had never seen before…it made me realize…my daughter really does have someone else in her life now besides her mother and me that counts on her and who she counts on…the thought of Clare and Eli really committing to each other in the future seemed to become crystal clear to me as I watched her shiny pink nails disappear and emerge periodically from among his dark locks.

I saw Helen frown as she confirmed what I also believed, telling our daughter, "Sweetheart, I don't think it's anything serious. The nurses told me that when you were in surgery, Eli spent a lot of time on the floor of the hospital," and I saw Clare grimace at the information, "and when your dad and I saw him in the chapel, he was soaked and shivering from the rain, he was crying so hard…I think it's just a fever that's catching up with him after all the effort and pressure that he placed on his body. Now that you're fine, all the stress and adrenaline has worn off, and his body is just…down a little," she explained as Clare's face fell and she leaned in and placed a kiss on Eli's cheek and whispered something into his ear, a sight that I had _definitely _ never seen before, and I didn't even want to imagine her kissing his lips…and they'd better not be doing anything else, but Helen had assured me earlier that they were being very appropriate, so that had put my mind at rest.

"What do we do?" she said in a panic as Eli stirred and mumbled, "Go to dinner like your dad said, I'll be fine, I just need sleep," making me realize that he did sort of hear what I had said to him.

"Not a chance," I heard Clare reply at once, and we came up with a plan to pick up some stronger medicine for him and to order room service, both strategies that I set in motion quickly.

Clare helped Eli take his medicine groggily and by the time that our dinner had arrived, he had been able to stand up all on his own, and even though I frowned a little at the sight of her sitting next to Eli on the bed, at least she did so cross legged on top of the covers, and the assuring glance that Helen sent me put my mind at ease. Clare was helping Eli eat his soup at first, but then he started to do it on his own, and he apologized for ruining our plans, clear embarrassment etched on his face, but everyone in the room assured him at once that he did no such thing…and as I glanced around at Clare and Eli giggling about something together while I sat down beside Helen on the other bed and we ate and watched the news….I realized that…everyone in the room, myself included, was having a better time right now than if we had opted for a waterside restaurant. Maybe I could take them all for another Vancouver visit once things slowed down at work, I reflected, and then we could do the restaurant and see a few of the sights…yeah, that sounded good to me.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Eli's POV**

"Well, make sure to call us if you need anything sweetheart – and Eli, I trust you'll take good care of her," I heard Clare's mom say as they were saying their goodbyes at her campus apartment door.

"I sure will," I guaranteed them, and Clare's mom added, "I know, Eli. It's a good thing that English teacher of yours ensured you'd both apply to this Centennial Foundation thing – she kind of always had a thing for bringing you two together, didn't she?" she asked with an amused smile as Clare and I both gasped.

I asked Clare, "Mrs. Dawes…is the one who gave you the forms too?" and she nodded her head in astonishment as she said,

"Oh my God, Eli, how did we not realize this before?" and I just shook my head incredulously as I felt my lips form into a smirk involuntarily thinking back to all the little looks Mrs. Dawes would cast Clare and I.

"What a matchmaker," I said as I shook my head and Clare giggled in response and then focused on sending her parents off properly.

I took the next three weeks to make sure that Clare was properly getting back on her feet, also recruiting Alli to my cause, and Imogen, as Clare and hers had a girls' night – Clare had told me she wanted to reach out to Imogen as a thank you for her actions at the hospital, and I was very happy to hear that their time had gone really well, and apparently the girls had made plans that next time Alli would be included as well. However, after the three weeks were over and Clare was back to the little running engine of activity that she usually was, we were both aching to pay a visit to Mrs. Dawes in light of what we had just realized.

I was just waiting for Clare to come out of her last class, and when she did, I took a sharp breath when I saw her excitedly run towards me in her form fitting dark jeans, purple shirt and navy blazer – it was like every time that I saw her, she only looked more radiant.

"Let's go to Degrassi!" she said excitedly as we jumped into the Jeep, making a quick pit stop at Chapters so we could pick up a special collection of all the novels by Charles Dickens, one of Mrs. Dawes' favourite writers, as well as a bouquet of pretty flowers for her.

As I was driving down the roads that I hadn't been down in so long, I felt Clare's hand grip mine a little tighter, and I knew it was because the last time that we had been here together was at her graduation…a day that wasn't my favourite. I could hardly believe that now I was driving back with my girl, our relationship in such a better spot than it had ever been in.

I heard Clare softly say, "I love you so much," before she leaned in for another round of our red-light game, giggling as she pulled away and wiped off the lip-gloss that had transferred to my cheek.

"Love you too," I replied with a smirk as I pulled into an empty parking spot and we made our way out of the Jeep. I saw Clare grin at the sight of all of the Degrassi students, and she asked,

"Feels a little weird, doesn't it?"

"It all…feels so much smaller, you know?" I replied. I knew U of T was a huge place, but had Degrassi always been this small? And this…busy?

"It does, but I still do love it," she said, and she got a mischievous little smile on her face as she pulled me abruptly in a different direction of the parking lot, and she placed me strictly in a particular spot while she positioned herself right in front of me as she said, "Where are we, Eli?" and as I took in her baby blues and the landscape around it, I immediately pulled her in for a kiss, stopping right before her lips as I whispered, "This is where I first met my favourite girl," and I captured her lips as she rewarded me with a light little moan.

"Get a room you two," we saw a small angry basketball player say, which caused us both to burst into intense laughter as we joined our hands and headed inside the school. Not a lot had changed; it was obvious that it had been renovated, but the layout was the same, but the names on the posters advertising different committees and events were names that Clare and I no longer recognized, and she pointed with a smile at a poster advertising the spring play,

"Wonder if Landon Jones will be the next Eli Goldsworthy," Clare said with a smirk of her own as she studied the 'Written by' line, and I just playfully rolled my eyes at her.

She intertwined our fingers as she led us to the classroom that it all began in for us, and sure enough, Mrs. Dawes was quietly sitting at her desk, reading something on her laptop. I was a little struck to see that her hair now contained a significant amount of grays, but the large smile that crossed her face when she saw Clare and I standing in her doorway immediately lit up her face to the same large extent that the final, proper version that our Romeo and Juliet video had caused.

"Oh my goodness – Clare Edwards and Eli Goldsworthy! What a lovely surprise! This is fantastic!" and she quickly wrapped Clare up in a large hug as she laughed happily and she also took me by surprise as she gave me a small hug.

"Hi Mrs. Dawes," Clare said with a small blush as I added, "It's great to see you, Mrs. Dawes".

"I just…I am so happy right now!" Mrs. Dawes said as she clapped her hands happily, and she delighted when I held the bouquet of flowers out to her, saying, "Oh, you two are my favourite students of my entire career – it's so lovely just to see you - you didn't have to get me anything," but Clare and I exchanged delighted looks when we saw he gently place the flowers in the vase by her window and how excited she was to open her present, telling us that she didn't own such a beautiful collection and that she had actually never read quite a few of the books.

"It's the best present anyone has ever given me," Mrs. Dawes said and she kept smiling broadly at both of us.

"So, what brings my two favourite students of all time back to me after all of this time?" she asked.

"We were just thinking about you Mrs. Dawes," Clare shyly said, "so we decided we'd pay you a visit".

"That is so sweet of you. How is U of T, Clare? You still have one year left?" Mrs. Dawes asked and Clare nodded before she answered, "I love it there. It's so fun and I have learned so much. Yep, just one year left, and after that I hope to go to law school".

"Fantastic; you could use your writing to truly help others. I always saw you in a job like that, Clare," Mrs. Dawes told her as she studied my girl carefully and shook her head affectionately.

"And what about you, Mr. Goldsworthy? Ready for your upcoming graduation? Any plans?" she turned to me and asked.

"I sure hope I am ready for graduation – watch me figure out there's a course that I need for my major that I totally forgot to take," I joked, but Clare immediately retorted, "That won't happen – we cross checked your transcript like a dozen times," and I noticed Mrs. Dawes' smile get bigger when Clare said that.

I continued, "I actually got accepted into the English Lit Master's program at U of T, and I hope to continue with my PhD and come back and teach at the university," I shared with her.

"Oh, Eli! That's a wonderful plan! Congratulations on your acceptance to the Master's program – and you know, I can see you as a literature professor you know; it's different, teaching in university; you get a lot of time to yourself and being a literature prof, you'll be able to establish important contacts in the publishing industry as well so you can continue your own writing – it's perfect, Eli," she praised me, and I was happy to hear that she was thinking along the same lines as I had when I first made these plans.

"Thanks, Mrs. Dawes," I replied.

"You know, I went to U of T myself and I still subscribe to the Creative Writing magazine as an alum – I've seen all of your writing and I couldn't help but be delighted to see that recently you and Clare partnered on a publication," Mrs. Dawes said with a sassy little smile.

"Guess your partnering instincts were right," I told her with a smirk as Clare added, "And Mrs. Dawes, Eli and I came today here to especially thank you for encouraging us both to apply to the Canada Centennial scholarship program – partnering instincts kicking in again?" Clare asked her with a witty smile as I delighted in my girl's adorable attitude.

"I have _no idea_ what you mean about the Foundation, Clare," Mrs. Dawes sarcastically said as we all laughed before she added, "But I do think I have heard something about how the winners meet at each university, something about traveling together and periodic meetings, but I'm just a high school teacher, I don't know such things," she continued as Clare giggled madly.

Mrs. Dawes' voice then took on a more serious tone as she asked, "But…there is an 'us' here again, isn't there?" and I felt Clare take my hand gently as she said, "There is, Mrs. Dawes. Ever since…our first chapter meeting, actually," and Mrs. Dawes flashed us another huge smile as she added,

"Well – I am really glad it came together at U of T, you two. I know things here weren't easy – you had to deal with a lot, but all that matters is that you found your way back to each other. I couldn't be any prouder of both of you, and I can't wait to see the great things that I am sure will come from the both of you," she warmly told us, and I felt Clare lean a little closer into me as she said,

"Thank you Mrs. Dawes. We really couldn't have done it without you – both times," and I also echoed a small thanks to Mrs. Dawes as Clare had an excellent point.

"I am so glad you two came to visit me – thank _you_," Mrs. Dawes said, but just then a young girl in a dress and jean jacket burst in the room, huffing and puffing as a boy about her age wearing black jeans and a grey T-shirt was rolling his eyes and he followed her in.

She gave Clare and me a confused look before she said, "Mrs. Dawes, I don't understand this whole partner thing – I can't work with Landon, God, he is just so …. Ugh!" she groaned in frustration as I sent a smirk Clare's way.

"And what do you think about this, Landon?" Mrs. Dawes patiently asked the dark-haired boy, but he just scoffed as he said,

"Whatever. I don't understand why we have to even be partners – I need to be working on the play, Mrs. Dawes, I thought you'd know that, and Char is driving me crazy," he said, rolling his eyes again.

The girl just exploded though, as she raised her tone and said, "My name is Charlotte. You're not allowed to call me Char, or refer to me by my last name, or…just…ugh…you're _so _frustrating!" she said in an exasperated tone.

Mrs. Dawes shook her head sternly as she said, "I'm sorry, you two, but I partnered you up for a specific reason. Who knows, we could have a very special partnership on our hands here," and she winked at Clare and I before she added, "Eli and Clare are two former students of mine; they were partners once upon a time, maybe they have some advice for you?" she asked playfully as the girl looked at us in frustration and the boy just stared blankly at us before glancing at this watch.

I felt Clare give my hand a squeeze as I said, "Dude, take her to the Dot and just buy her a coffee, then go over your papers," but before either of them could respond, I heard Clare add, "And then get her to scream at the top of her lungs on the bench outside," and I placed my arm around Clare and Mrs. Dawes muttered, "So _that's_ what happened on that little skipping adventure of yours".

"What?" the girl groaned in frustration as she rolled her eyes and said, "God dammit Landon, coffee might actually help me deal with you – let's go," she said, and we all watched as he pretended to be in no rush to go after her, but the wry little smile that crossed his face as he headed after her told us all that he wasn't so extremely upset to be going after the girl, and as I glanced up, I saw both Mrs. Dawes and Clare smiling widely at me as I responded with a chuckle.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review!**


	37. Come a Little Closer

**Hi lovely readers**! **Exciting news – at the convincing of my friend iloveeliandclare and the recommendation of my friend musiksnob, I caved and got twitter – westcoasttrees1. Feel free to follow me and talk to me on there. **

**So the story goes on as I try to ignore the promos and not let them affect me too much. I think I am being somewhat successful, but every time I see one or even just twitter speculation I have a few minutes where I want to stop writing and stop watching Degrassi. The only reason I haven't yet is bc of your lovely reviews and bc of the fact that I am quite sure that Stephen Stohn knows what's good for ratings and he'll make sure the writers reunite Eli and Clare. I just don't want them to do crazy things with the new characters. I will be very upset if they do. **

**Thank you so much to all of my lovely reviewers: iloveeliandclare, EmandEms, skygoldsworthy, MartinaAxi, CheapNovelty, Lady Azura, eclarerocks, ToDecember, MissLizzie97, ginbug14, KarenIsCoolio, EpicNinjaChica, Deena, Ruth2249, Lovely'Henae, musiksnob, DegrassiCat – what a lovely review friend, thank you so much, ilovetaylorswift13, Sage – your review was so wonderful, I appreciate it so much, and yes, I do live in Canada and the geographical details are real, Julsgracie – I always get really excited when I see I get a review from you, they are so insightful, and my friend StalkerAngel of course. Also to my reviewer Cool Person – thank you so much for your review on my other story. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one because I love your opinions. **

**To my reviewer ToDecember who talked to me about the Dylan/Eli mentorship relationship – I think you'll like this chapter :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any of the real world references I happen to make. **

**Adam's POV**

"Congratulations! I _knew _you could do it! Not a doubt in my mind," I told Lana as I picked her up and spun her around her apartment joyfully. Not only was I really glad that she was admitted to the Master's business program because I knew she really wanted to do it as part of her career plan, but…this meant she would be staying at U of T one more year while I finished my own degree.

She gave me an eager kiss after I put her down and she said, "I know. You were so wonderful and encouraging, and I was a complete and utter mess," in reference to the last two weeks that she had been urgently waiting for her answer. I knew part of the reason why she was so worried was because Eli had already been admitted to his Master's program and Daniel had gotten into law school long before Lana had heard about her own offer, and no matter how much I kept repeating to her that the only reason she hadn't heard anything was because each Master's program had its own deadlines, she was still stressing majorly and interpreting the fact that she hadn't gotten a reply as a bad sign.

"Let's go celebrate," I said at once and pulled her out of her apartment quickly as she got her shoes and coat in an amused panic.

"Where do you want to go?" I asked her after realizing that I probably should have thought of that already.

"Hmm, maybe _The Fringe_?" Lana asked shyly and I nodded at once in response. _The Fringe _was her favourite live music café and we hadn't been there in a long time, so it was only fitting.

"Sure, baby," I told her and gave her a small kiss before I said, "But let's drive there, it'll be so much better," knowing that a drive with Lana would be much more pleasant and intimate than a ride on the streetcar, "Eli has Clare over tonight, he's not going anywhere, we can drive his Jeep," I said with a chuckle.

"Whoa, he has her _over?_" Lana asked, obviously a little shocked before I clarified,

"Not…like _that_. I think they're just doing dinner and…yeah, um, they're keeping her purity vow," I explained.

"Oh, okay," Lana said with a smile.

I had sort of figured all along that's what Eli was eventually going to decide on, despite the fact from the things that he told me about their conclusion, I could tell that it had been a bit of a rocky road. I mean, the fact that we were only in Grade 10 when she first had doubts about it should have tipped me off, but…also, during the months that she had been with Jake, I actually thought she would break it with him. There was even one point where I was pretty certain she had. I had suspected she was doing too much too fast to try and get Eli off her mind, but she had really distanced herself from me during those times so I no longer felt like it was my place to say anything. And Eli was in his major denial phase and he completely refused to talk to Clare beyond just the necessary odd 'Hello' when he really couldn't avoid it. It was Clare's decision, I kept telling myself, but the time that I walked in on her and Jake in the elevator on the Mont Tremblant ski and boarding trip and he had his hands all over her in a way that I had _never _seen even Eli ever attempt, I figured pretty soon we would no longer see a shiny piece of metal on her ring finger. A huge part of me was really worried during those times, not so much for Clare because after all she had chosen Jake, but for Eli…I became a little like a Eli watchdog while I stole occasional glances at Clare's ring finger every chance I got, because if that ring would come off, I wanted to be around when Eli noticed it. I didn't want him to notice it first – all on his own - because something told me that even if he was on his I'm-not-talking-to-Clare fix, the sight of her bare ring finger would cause Eli to attack Jake at once and give him the most brutal beating Eli had ever given anybody.

In the end, I guess the circumstances came pretty close to it, but Clare came back to her senses, and Eli got to throw a few punches Jake's way that I knew he had been dying to do so for a very _very _long time. I'm not a fan of thinking back to those times, because despite Eli's cool façade I had been really worried for him, and I thank my lucky stars everything came together for them, even though these days I am still a bit worried for Eli. This whole having-to-leave-town-for-three-years is really unnerving him, I can tell. And…having just waited impatiently for Lana's decision – and we had been only concerned with a single year in her case – I can't imagine having to face such a thing for three years. It's a very long time, and despite that fact that they have become so good at working through their issues now, Clare and Eli are both still very stubborn and with the distance…it's just all a bad formula.

"You all right there, sport?" I heard Lana's voice ask, bursting my Eli and Clare relationship troubles bubble.

"Of course, sorry," I apologized at once, feeling a little guilty I was letting my thoughts wander from Lana's amazing celebratory moment, "Just thinking about Eli and Clare and all their drama," I playfully added.

"You know, Adam, when I first came to Degrassi, it was so…confusing with those two. I could tell they had a complex history, but it's like…they hardly ever talked. Every English class seemed like such a struggle for Eli, and as his partner, I could tell he was very talented and that it was his favourite subject, but those forlorn looks he'd throw her way every class…jeez, poor guy," I heard Lana sigh.

"I know. It hasn't been easy for them," I pointed out as we were almost at mine and Eli's apartment now.

"I just hope they don't let the distance affect what they've built if he does have to go away for his PhD after his Master's," Lana so correctly pointed out.

"Me too. Me too," I emphatically told her, and as I inserted the key into my lock and walked into my own apartment, I heard a huge tumble as I saw Eli roll off the couch, the buttons on his dress shirt completely undone, his hair sticking up in all directions, and Clare was blushing furiously, a blanket draped over her entire body. My eyes widened in surprise when I also saw that his belt buckle was completely undone, creating a sharp metallic noise as he moved around and as I moved my gaze away from him quickly, it was like things were only going from bad to worse, as I soon saw that…a dress and cardigan were lying on our floor.

_ Oh Dear God, what did I just walk into here? Gross. _

"Ugh, you two, this is my apartment as well, and thank God I never sit on that couch," I said with a disgusted look on my face. We had two couches in our place, and during movie nights, Clare and Eli would always claim the one they had clearly just been fooling around on – the movie that was on in the background had obviously long been forgotten.

Lana got a blush of her own on her face as she stuttered out, "Um, A-Adam, I'm-I'm just going to wait outside," and she fled the scene at once, making me instantly jealous that I couldn't do the same.

"You're supposed to be out with your girl tonight, idiot," Eli said as he turned around with his back to me, fixed his buckle, buttoned up his shirt and then went over to the couch and he pulled Clare's blanket a little higher along her body as she slightly stood up a little, as apparently having it up to her neck wasn't good enough for Eli. He also whispered something in her ear, but Clare was clearly a mess; she hid her face in the pillow and muttered,

"Oh my God, Adam, I'm sorry – I'm so embarrassed," and I felt bad at once.

"Don't worry about it, Eli's right – I was supposed to be out, but…I was hoping I could borrow the Jeep, man," I told him, definitely imagining not already being in an awkward position when I had to ask him for a favour.

"Goddamn it, Adam, and you couldn't ask me that before?" Eli quickly said, but I knew he wasn't mad. He just seemed more like…frustrated, and I guess I couldn't blame him for that.

"Sorry, Eli. Clare, I'm really sorry. Please don't be embarrassed," but I knew the damage was already done. She was completely burying her face in between a pillow and Eli's arm, and I feared she'd probably spend the next week avoiding me and blushing furiously if we ever do cross paths.

"Oh my God, this isn't happening, this isn't happening…" I just heard her muttering, and I hated that it was taking Eli forever to find his keys, but I realized that they weren't in his pant pocket where he usually kept them, and as he glanced around the floor and the couch, I just said,

"Dude, I'm just going to be outside, give them to me there," I awkwardly asked, realizing that God only knows where those keys ended up. And I didn't want to stick around for the search.

"Get the ones from my bag," I heard Clare mutter, her words coming out all muffled due to the face that her face was still buried in the pillow and I saw Eli lean down to quickly kiss her curls and whisper something else in her ear before he moved towards Clare's purse, and he quickly found the keys that I noticed had a sparkly blue "C" pendant on them and chucked them my way as he quickly said,

"Now get out man," and he didn't have to tell me twice. I didn't want to be there a second longer than they wanted me there.

Once I got back outside, I exhaled deeply as Lana gave me a giggle and a calming kiss before quickly saying, "That was embarrassing".

"You can say that again," I told her assertively.

"Sure looks like…they are getting closer," Lana said with a small laugh.

"I think…some things are allowed. And…it's like…Eli has kind of always wanted to marry Clare. I hope she knows that. He's not just out for _that,_" I pointed out, and Lana nodded at once, softly saying, "I know".

"Let's go," I replied, intertwining the fingers of our left hands as Lana flashed me a huge smile.

**Eli's POV**

"Clare, sweetheart, it's all right," I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't face me, so I gently pulled her away from the pillow she had buried her face in and just as I had assumed, her face was flaming and she wouldn't meet my gaze.

"Clare, they didn't see anything, it's okay. I'm the one who should be embarrassed, my shirt was almost off and so were my pants practically," I pointed out.

"_Are _you…embarrassed?" Clare shyly asked me.

"A little," I admitted. "But let's not blow this out of proportion. Adam's heading out with Lana tonight, he won't be able to remember anything about tonight except what she said, how she laughed, how she looked at him, and so on…and I will get to hear him ramble out it incessantly tomorrow morning, don't you worry," I honestly pointed out.

"Okay," she said, and she came over to my open arms, stepping out of the blanket and making me really grateful that that blanket had been there for Clare to quickly cover up with, or else Adam and Lana would have seen her in her pink lace underwear, and I'm pretty sure that would be something Clare would never recover from. I draped the blanket on the outside of our embrace, knowing she was pretty unnerved right about now, and I just gently stroked her stomach and placed a kiss on her curls as her blush gradually subsided.

"I…I want my dress," Clare softly said, and I opened my arms so she could scramble out of my arms and slip it on, as I couldn't help but sigh. I didn't want to come off as some jerk, but I couldn't help but be a little disappointed everything was ending before it had even really started.

"I'm sorry," I heard Clare nervously say as she took a seat a little away from me on the couch.

"Don't worry about it," I replied at once, moving a little closer to her and draping my arm around her shoulders.

"Eli…I…we can't even _do that_ and…now…I can't even…it's just…are you mad, Eli?" she whispered, making me sigh again.

"I'm not mad, Clare," I responded.

"Disappointed?" she pushed.

"I…just…it's okay," I stumbled.

I saw Clare look up at me in fear as she shakily whispered,

"You are…you're disappointed," and I just squeezed her shoulder as I said, "Just…give me a minute to calm down a bit, okay?" and she did so.

"I'm fine, Clare, it's okay, I understand," I told her after, leaning back against the couch and pulling her with me as I gave her a slow and tender kiss.

"We _don't_ have any problems in this area," I emphatically told her, pushing aside my slight frustration. I knew it wasn't Clare's fault…as a matter of fact, her actions before Adam barged in had really made me wonder if she was going to be really bold with me, but….I knew there was no way that was happening now.

"Eli…I really appreciate how patient you are with me," she said, and she slipped her hands under my shirt and lightly grazed my skin.

"I _love_ you," I reminded her and she rewarded me with a kiss.

"I know, and I love you too, and I want to…be with you closely, but sometimes…I'm afraid," she said, making me widen my eyes.

"You're scared of me?" I burst out in horror.

"No!" I heard her say at once, much to my relief.

"I'm scared of…not doing it right," she whispered, and I flashed her an empathetic smile at once, immediately saying, "Clare…there's no such thing. Trust me…you're _definitely_ doing everything right. _Better_ than right," I confessed. "Can't you…tell? You drive me nuts, Clare, in such an amazingly good way, trust me," I added, wondering just how much she doubted herself.

"No…I can, but…I just worry. I'm asking you to wait a long time," Clare softly said.

"Clare, I love how ambitious you are, I understand we have a lot of things to do before…" I stumbled, but Clare mischievously added, "Our wedding night?" and I smirked at once and nodded.

"Our wedding night," I repeated with a smirk.

"Eli…do you…_want to_ marry me…someday?" Clare asked me point blank.

As much as I had been avoiding this question straight out because…I just…I couldn't help but think back to the first time I shared my vision of a future with her and she couldn't run fast enough in the opposite direction…I wanted to answer her honestly.

"_Of course_ I want to marry you, Clare. I'd be so proud if you were my wife," and I saw a large smile spread across her face after I told her my answer.

"I love you," she whispered as I helped her slip her cardigan on and she then just rested her head on my chest as she said, "You know what I also love?"

"What?" I encouraged her.

"How you never push me…a lot of people at my church….they get married rather young," she pointed out.

"I've noticed that," not adding that I often wondered if the whole we-can-sleep-together-now thing had something to do with it.

"I don't like that, and part of me has always wondered if it's so they can just have sex," Clare said, causing me to widen my eyes at her expressing the same thought that was rummaging through my mind so liberally.

I couldn't help but give her a little laugh as I answered, "I kind of think it does. But…I don't want you to feel any pressure. Marrying you would be the greatest joy of my life, but I don't want us to rush into a lifestyle that is beyond our ages, you know?" I asked and she nodded in response at once.

I continued, "We need to finish our school, get our careers of the ground – I believe _you_ need to take _me_ to England -" I cheekily added, referencing the earlier promise she had made me and she responded with an enthusiastic nod, "and…when the time is right…I would love to make you my wife," I confessed.

"And I would love to be your wife. I would love to have you as…my husband," Clare told me as she looked up at me and I could no longer control myself as I captured her lips in a kiss that I soon felt her shiver into. I loved that so much about her; despite the fact that we had definitely become a little more intimate, a more passionate kiss was sometimes all it took for get to lose control, and that thrilled me to the core.

"Cheesecake and coffee and then walk you to Annesley?" I told her, knowing that's what would make her feel best, and sure enough, she shyly grinned at me as I interlocked the fingers of our left hand and raised her hand so I could place a soft kiss on her purity ring.

"I love you," I whispered to her, and she immediately echoed the same sentiment as she pulled me a bit closer to her.

**Dylan's POV**

"Scotty, can you _please_ put that down?" I asked again, annoyance flooding my voice and I was happy to see him listen to me this time. That was my most prized Star Wars LEGO assembly project that he had lifted up, and I didn't want it to suffer the same fate as many of the other things of mine that Scotty had picked up and eventually destroyed. I knew I might now be a bit old to play with Star Wars Lego – I was fourteen, after all – but I didn't see anything wrong with keeping the ones that I had made on exhibition in my room. Eli always studied them when he came to visit, so clearly they're pretty cool.

I then watched in horror as Scotty picked up another one of my ships and I repeated, "Scotty, can you _please_ put that down? You're going to break it," I told him.

"Am not going to break it!" he stubbornly shot back.

"Yes, you will, you're too young to know how to take care of it," I said, feeling myself getting a little angrier with him with each passing second. Why couldn't he just play with his own stuff? He had plenty of toys in his room, but no, that wasn't enough – he had to barge in here and ruin my things.

"Am not too little! I'm eight," he declared proudly, as if being eight was some remarkable achievement.

"Put it _down_," I told him, a little more strictly.

"I can hold it too," he just said, and I saw him almost bump it into the corner of my dresser. _Okay, that's it. _

I walked over and pulled it out of his hands easily and I placed it on a bookshelf that he couldn't reach, and he flashed me a furious look at one.

"I _hate_ you!" he burst out, "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" and he then slammed the door as hard as he could on his way out. Ugh, why does he have to be like this all the time? I tried to focus my attention on what I had been doing before – looking through my closet trying to piece together something appropriate – but the picture on my nightstand caught my gaze.

_You need to be patient with him, sweetheart. I know he's annoying sometimes, but little brothers just do things like that sometimes. Scotty is the only person who will understand you best. One day you'll know what I mean; once he's older and he can have proper conversations with you, I know he'll be your best friend. Other friends you meet will come and go, but your brother will always the one who will help and support you most, and he'll be your best friend for life. I know he will, sweetheart. _

**Scotty's POV**

"Hey, can I come in, Scotty? I'm sorry," I heard Dylan say on the other side of my door.

"No," I told him at once. "Stay out of my room – forever!" I didn't want him in here. He's mean.

"Please, Scotty. I have something I want to give you," I heard him say, and I was curious as to what that meant, so I opened the door and Dylan immediately pushed the Star Wars ship that he never let me hold in my hands.

"Thanks," I mumbled, glad that he had changed his mind and that I was allowed to hold it. He never even played with it anymore, he just kept in his room, all forgotten. Mommy always said toys are meant to be played with, but I guess Dylan forgot about that. He only cares about Angela and baseball now. And Angela is always _at_ baseball, too. Eli told me they talk so much because they are friends, but I know it's because Dylan likes her.

"I…want you to have it," I heard my brother say, and I couldn't help but gasp in shock.

"Really?" I asked again, trying to figure out if he was kidding or not.

"Really. I don't play with it anymore, and…toys are always meant to be played with, right? Remember?" he asked me. Guess he hadn't forgotten after all.

"I remember," I responded.

"Perfect then – it's yours," Dylan told me with a smile.

"Thank you, Dylan. I'll take good care of it, okay?" I told him at once, meaning every word. No one my age had one that was so cool, put together so well, so I knew it would be my job to look after it well.

"I know you will," he told me quickly, "But also play with it, okay?" he asked, and I nodded at once. Of course I wanted to play with it.

"Okay. Great. Do you want to come hang out in my room a little before daddy has to take you to the orthodontist?" he asked, and I just had to point out,

"It's not fair that I have to go to the orthodontist and you get to hang out with Eli," but Dylan just gave me a sad smile and he replied,

"You and him went to the movies last weekend – that's much cooler than just hanging out," and he was right so I said,

"Of course. But you're too old to have a Big Brother now," I told him.

"He's not my Big Brother anymore, really," Dylan told me, and I couldn't believe it!

"What?" I asked him, demanding a reason.

"Don't worry, we'll still hang out all the time. Eli's just like a cool older friend now, but it will be the exact same as it always was; it's just that officially I had to leave the program because just like you said, I'm too old," he explained, and I think I understood, but I only really cared about one thing,

"Nothing will change? It will be the same as before?" and Dylan nodded at once as he also added,

"The same. And it's your last orthodontist appointment for a long time, so from now we will all be able to hang out again like always".

"Good," I told him. "Is Clare coming today too?" I asked.

"Not today, today it's just Eli and I," he replied.

"Okay. Thank you for the Star Wars ship, Dylan – you're my best friend," I told him, remembering what Mommy had told me about how I shouldn't get mad at Dylan when he is not patient with me, because apparently being a big brother is hard.

"Of course. You're my best friend too," I heard him reply, and then I headed to his room just like he said I could.

**Dylan's POV**

"Hey, Dylan," I heard Eli say and then I led him into my room and we bumped fists.

"Scotty off to the orthodontist all right?" he asked, and I nodded in confirmation and I decided to tell him about our smaller altercation earlier, just so I could hear Eli's thoughts on it.

He listened patiently just like he always did, and then he told me, "That's really nice of you, Dylan. I know how hard it can be to part with things you really care about, trust me," Eli said, and I was glad to see that he understood that my Star Wars ship really did mean a lot to me and that I wasn't doing that to Scotty just to be mean.

Eli continued, "I'm an only child, you know that, but I can only imagine that being a big brother can be so hard at times. Before I went to college and moved in with Adam," he said, and I smiled at the mention of Adam's name – my video game skills had improved so much since hanging out with Eli's good friend – "I really didn't have to share things with anyone. It was just me and my parents before, and my stuff was kept pretty separate from theirs in my room. But when I moved in with Adam, we ended up sharing a lot of stuff, even my car quite frequently, and I was actually kind of…glad that I had someone to share things with, you know? Someone I could count on and laugh with. Adam's practically like a brother to me, but we didn't grow up together; by the time we became friends we were older and we had both had practice with sharing before; I think Scotty is just getting at the age now where he needs to be helped so he understands to think about others too. But, quite honestly, you know I met a lot of kids working with Big Brothers, and you and your brother, Dylan…you two are _the most_ amazing kids I know. You are both so caring, and you take such good care of your little brother, Dylan…it's one of the most fantastic things to see – the way you protect him. Clare always tells me how much she loves that too," Eli told me.

"Is she feeling better?" I asked him, because the last time we had hung out and I had asked him about his and Clare's trip to Vancouver, Eli had apologized to me and Scotty for being unable to bring us back a present from that city like he usually did whenever he went on a trip somewhere…apparently Clare had gotten sick on the trip and Eli had spent the entire time with her in the hospital.

"She is," Eli said with a big smile, and I was glad to hear it. Eli and Clare were like…a perfect couple. She was so pretty and so sweet and I liked that Eli finally managed to win her over from that stupid ex-boyfriend of Clare's who thought he was all that. He reminded me so much of this idiot at school who I couldn't stand. I loved how Clare would always intertwine her fingers with Eli's when they walked, how they had matching piercings, and how she'd always blush around him. I…really wished I could hold Angela's hand like Eli holds Clare's, and I…had hoped that with Scotty away, I could ask Eli a few things today. Dad had talked to me about Angela lately when he had noticed the way she came to every single one of my baseball games, but…I wanted Angela to act around me the way Clare acted around Eli, so I wanted to talk to him about it, but I didn't know to bring it up, so I just focused back on the subject of how Clare was doing and said,

"That's good. It's good you were together so you could help feel better," I told Eli and he flashed me that cool smirk of his in response.

"I'm just glad she was all right in the end and that I could bring her home safe and sound. Her parents flew out to Vancouver too and then we all headed home together," Eli explained and then I could tell what subject he was touching upon next as his smirk only got wider and he asked, "Have _you _met Angela's parents, Dylan?"

"I have. Her mom and my mom went to university together, so I have seen her lots," I explained.

"Wow, no way," Eli said.

"Yeah…they were in the same sorority and they were good friends apparently," I told Eli.

"That's awesome," he replied and then he slowly added, "Does she…ever talk to you about your mom?"

"A few months after my mom died, her and Angela came over, and they gave me this, and they told me that I should be the one to keep it, and I could show it to Scotty too, but that I should take good care of it," I said, and walked over to my bookcase and pulled out the scrapbook that they had made me.

"Wow," Eli said as he started flipping through it, "This is amazing – your mom's college days – all of them, right here, bud. This is so special; a lot of kids never know about this period in their parents' lives. I don't know much about my mom's college days either, just that it was when she met my dad when they were both working at the campus radio station," Eli told me, and after getting to know his parents quite well, I could definitely see the two of them meeting that way.

"I know…she was so young and so beautiful," I told Eli as he kept flipping through the pages.

"She really was," I heard him sigh as he took in the photos. He then softly added, "I have a scrapbook of Julia, you know. Maybe the next time you've over you can look at it," he said, and I knew talking about Julia made Eli just as sad as I got when other people asked me about my mom…but when it was just the two of us talking…it was different. I felt…free…and I think Eli did too.

"I'd love to look at it. She must have been so pretty," I told Eli.

"She was," he softly said. "But she was so much more than pretty – she was artsy, and fun, and passionate about always doing the right thing, and…caring. So caring," he finished.

"Sounds just like mommy if you replace arty with music-y," I told him and Eli flashed me a small smile.

"Eli…why did this have to happen?" I asked him, hoping someone would have the answer to the question I wanted answered more than anything else in the world.

"I wish I knew – I've been searching for an answer to that question ever since I was fifteen, and I don't think I'll ever find it. Right after it happened, in the year after or so, I searched so hard for an answer that it drove me mad. I was a complete and utter mess; all over the place; trying to forget her one minute and then desperately clinging on to everything I had of hers the next. It was…bad, Dylan. I chased that answer for so long that it eventually drove me to an emotional death," Eli gently told me, and I knew what he meant.

"What made you feel better eventually?" I asked him, because I could tell that he wasn't quite like that anymore.

"I…don't think it's about feeling better; better is a funny word. Something like that…it changes you, Dylan, I'm sure you know. And of course it does; it should. It was a long time before I felt even a little 'better; if you want to call it that; I met Clare…but I ruined our friendship and our relationship because we had such a hard time communicating, each of us being stubborn and having our own problems, and after that happened…it was like a double loss. It was horrible; we had this really bad thing happen right before Spring Break and she broke up with me, and that break remains to this day one of the darkest periods of my entire life. Then when I came back to school I told myself not to talk to her because I thought she didn't love me like I loved her, and even though I didn't admit it to myself – I was mad. I was furious. Especially when…you remember Jake?" I heard Eli ask and I nodded at once. I had wanted to know about his relationship with Clare for so long, so I was all ears. I wanted to know everything.

"Well, my first day back at school, I sort of ignored Clare because I was so mad and it drove me nuts to see her with Jake. There's this one moment that…made me especially furious. I was heading out for gym class and I knew Clare had a spare and it was the last class of the day, so I figured she'd just be going home, but when I saw her get into his shiny red truck and I heard her tell him that he had a beautiful car and that she loved it so much – and she had told me just days before that she hated my old car, the car that I had been giving her driving lessons in – I…got even more stubborn and then…she was dating Jake pretty soon enough, and you met her with him that day at the baseball game. I thought I had lost her for good, but after I sorted out a lot of my own issues, started working for Big Brothers, went to college...things had also changed with Clare by that time, and despite that we had lost a lot of time being stubborn and hitting misunderstanding after misunderstanding, we were able to take a leap of faith, decide to get back together, and…we figured it all out. We're still figuring things out, but that's what it's like in a relationship. You're entering a two person team, and I got to enter it with a girl who is my best friend. That's why I think Clare and me going to work," he finished.

"I think it's going to work too," I said at once, especially after hearing everything that they had been through.

"Me and Clare have had a difficult relationship; they're not always like that," he said as he nudged my arm. "How's Angela doing?" he asked with a smirk, and I was glad he had introduced the subject.

"She's good – we're good – but I want her to be my girlfriend, officially," I admitted.

"So ask her," Eli told me.

"I want to, but…" I hesitated.

Eli gave me a thoughtful look and slowly asked, "Dylan…it's all right to be nervous, every guy gets really nervous when it comes to the girl he likes. But…is there something else going on here? Why you are…so hesitant of making things official with Angela?" he asked, and I knew Eli was a clever dude, so it didn't surprise me that he had caught on. I had never told this to anyone, but…looking at Eli…I had the feeling that he'd understand and he wouldn't think I'm a weird freak.

"Eli…do you think…my mom would have liked Angela?" I slowly asked.

I saw Eli's face glaze over with a look of realization, and I felt…relieved at once. I had been wondering this for so long inside of my own head, that it felt like a huge load off to share it with someone who I could really talk to about this.

"Dylan…I _know _your mom would have loved her. I'm certain; and not just because she is the girl you like so your mom would have adored her at once, but because…I think they were quite similar," Eli said, surprising me a little.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"You told me your mom…really liked life; and so does Angela – she likes watching sports, she loves dancing and performing – I think your mom would have loved her. Not to mention she is the daughter of your mom's good college friend. I _know_ she would have loved Angela," Eli told me and I realized that…he was right. Everything he had said…it was correct.

I then saw a smirk spread across his face as he said, "So….make a move already, Dylan".

"Ugh, I want to – but it's hard," I replied.

"Trust me – I know. It took me a_ges _with Clare – the first time around," he said and I was a little surprised to see that even a guy as cool as Eli had trouble with this, and he added, "Once we got back together, it was at her request – a request I was more than happy to oblige, obviously. But the first time…when she was a year older than you and I was sixteen, oh man, I was _not_ so smooth," he said with a small laugh.

"Eli…do you think Angela would get scared if I kissed her? Do you think she'd kiss me back?" I nervously asked.

"I do think she'd kiss you back; she comes to every single one of your baseball games for crying out loud, there's no way she would do that if she didn't like you. But you guys are young, so you need to be careful with her – do you think it would be her first kiss?" Eli asked.

"Yeah, pretty sure it would be," I answered, having known her for a long time and never seeing her with a boyfriend, which is just the way I wanted it. Except…she was so pretty and her dancing was so amazing that I had noticed her getting a lot more attention from guys at school lately.

"Has she…given you any signs that she might like a kiss?" Eli asked me.

"Like what do you mean?" I asked him.

"Like…when you give her a hug, does she hug you back? Does she hang on a bit longer than she should? Does she talk to you every day? Does she sound happy on the phone when you call her? When you take her out for ice cream does she sit really close to you and leans in towards you a little, sitting nice and close to you?" he pursued, and I shyly admitted,

"Yeah she does all of those things…and I'm pretty sure that we almost kissed once, but her mom called her just as we were about to and she had to go home," I said, not bothering to hide my disappointment.

"Dude – then what are you waiting for? Go for it," Eli said at once.

"You think I should? Really?" I asked him again.

"I _know _you should – just don't be too eager or forceful or you'll totally scare her. Initiate the kiss but make sure that she is leaning in too, and that you are not just jumping her. I know she will, and then…just take it easy. Play your cards right and you'll have plenty of time to kiss her as much as you want later," Eli said, and everything he said sounded really smart.

"Is that what you did with Clare?" I asked him.

"Ha! Like I said, it took me forever with Clare – you're gonna laugh at this, but our first kiss was for a movie project we worked on; she played Juliet and I played Romeo…and yeah, basically, I was that lame that we needed that as an excuse to have our first kiss. But…it was awesome. After I kissed her, I just…knew. It might have been just for a project, but…I knew. I knew how I felt and I knew that she felt the same way. It was so perfect that it scared me…how much I liked her…because it hadn't been so long since Julia," Eli told me.

"So that was your first kiss, but what was your first _real_ kiss with her?" I asked him.

"Hmm. _That _one was much better. I had told her about Julia finally, and we agreed to take some time to just be friends but I could barely take it. After that Romeo and Juliet kiss, I knew I liked her way too much for her to just be my friend. And then, one time when I was looking for her in the morning and found her in the library and she told me something that made me realize just how loyal she was to her friends and she was standing so close to me…I couldn't take it anymore, so I totally caught her by surprise and I just kissed her. I could tell she was into it, and she was totally flustered after, and like the smooth devil I was convinced I was, I just nonchalantly headed to the exam I needed to write that morning, leaving her breathless behind me, but…yeah, that was it," Eli explained, and the smirk on his face was as big as I had ever seen it.

"That sounds like a pretty epic kiss," I told him.

"It was. And you will have a pretty epic kiss yourself, just give it time. Make it special with Angela though – take her somewhere nice, and it doesn't need to be at night because that might make her a little nervous if she's not so used to being out at that time – just for a nice meal on the beach, or close to a park. Get her an ice cream or something, make it as relaxed as possible, because that will make her feel better, and when the time is right, don't be afraid. Just go for it, making sure that she definitely leans in as well; then you know she wants it, and you're home free. Think you can handle that?" Eli asked me.

"Ugh, I'll be nervous-" I started, but Eli interrupted me,

"That's normal," he said.

"Okay…I can do it. It'll be fine," I told him.

"It'll be _great_. You'll have no trouble – I can tell. Want to know how?" he asked, and I confirmed at once.

Eli paused for a second before he said, "You and Angela have been friends for so long now. A real relationship – a good relationship - is one between two good friends. You guys already have that down; that's a huge advantage," he explained.

"Thanks, Eli. I…kind of feel a lot better about this whole deal now," I admitted to him.

"Of course," he said and he held out his fist for me enthusiastically one more time, and then he convinced me to head out and grab a slice of pizza so could 'strategize a little further'.

**Clare's POV**

"I can't believe you only have one semester left," I told Eli after pressing a kiss to his temple at a red light just a few blocks away from his parents' house. We were both home Christmas break, and his parents had invited me over for Christmas Eve, apologizing unnecessarily that they wouldn't really be observing any religious practices but Cece assured me that we would still have 'a wonderful and fun time,' and of course I had agreed at once. I loved spending time with Eli and his parents, as they always made me comfortable – with maybe perhaps the exception of the first time I had met them – and they were so at ease around me, which worked to make me feel like…their home was a second home for me as well. This feeling had only grown since Eli only came home at times that I was home as well, with the exceptions of some weekends that our schedules didn't coincide, and I liked how excited Cece was every time I would visit. I knew she missed Eli a lot – he was her only child after all – but I loved that she always also took such good care of me as well.

"Don't remind me," Eli said, and I softly stroked the fingers of his hand, trying to not let my thoughts wander about what would happen after Eli finished his Master's. I knew it was silly of me to worry like this; I wasn't worried about whether or not we would remain committed, because had even admitted to me that he wanted to marry me, but…every time I thought about the possibility of him being away for three years, I couldn't help but remember how horrible I felt when I never got to see him during his first year at U of T; I knew things would be different if he were to head off, because this time we would actually be a couple, but…I knew I would be so lonely, at a time when I would hopefully be in law school…which I knew would be a rather rigorous experience…that would be made so much better by Eli's support. When I thought about not being able to come home to him and rest in his arms after a difficult day, I only wanted to snuggle in closer to him, so I did so as she was driving, and at the next red light game episode he broke our rule and _he_ was the first to initiate a kiss, placing a soft peck on my forehead, as it was now leaning on his shoulder.

"Hey! That's my job," I teased him.

"You were sad," he countered with a shrug, and my heart swelled at how he had been able to read my emotional state right away.

"Just thinking about how fast time has gone by," I sadly told him.

"I…still have a year and a term at U of T," Eli pointed out, once again expertly being able to tell exactly what was on my mind. "And…Dr. Gifford e-mailed me this morning asking if I wanted to work as his research assistant again next summer," he told me with a smirk as he parked in front of his house.

"Really?" I squealed excitedly. I loved that Eli worked for Big Brothers part-time during the school year – Barb had hired me on a contract for a month here and there as well and I really enjoyed doing the work as well – but the fact that Dr. Gifford had specifically asked for him again was a really good sign in my books. I knew that it was a really long shot that Dr. Gifford would argue for him to stay at U of T, but I loved that he would have prolonged contact with him so maybe…just maybe.

"I hope you said yes," I told Eli as I watched him take his seat belt off.

"I sure did," he said, as I couldn't help but let out another excited squeal and crawled over to his lap and started a more heated kiss, soon moving my lips to his neck as I felt him grip me a little tighter and he groaned after he pulled away, saying, "Awesome - spring that on me just before we see my parents…wish we could continue," with a mischievous little wink.

"The last thing I need is for your parents to walk in on us this time," I said, as I felt my face heat up at the memory of the time that Adam and Lana walked in on Eli and I just getting a little bit more intimate; it had been the first night that neither of us had to deal with midterms anymore, but after what had happened, I really didn't feel like doing anything else, and I knew that had made Eli a little sad in that moment.

"Oh God, you're right," Eli said with another groan, and I knew he was imagining all the incessant teasing such an event would cause his parents to give us - for the rest of our lives quite likely, and all of their inappropriate comments.

"Let's go," I said, and we got out of the car and just a few minutes after, I was received by a very excited Cece as she blurted,

"Oh, you're finally here – welcome baby girl!" and a short while after she had guided us all to the dinner table after accepting the flowers I had brought her.

"This looks amazing, Cece," I complimented her – the turkey she had prepared really looked like a work of art.

"Thanks, baby girl. Um, should we say grace?" she nervously asked me.

"We don't have to do that," I replied at once, but Cece flashed me a smile and said, "It's a special night for Bullfrog and I, having both you and Eli home. Let's do it…maybe you can lead us?" she asked, and after I saw Eli flash me a smirk and he quickly nodded, I did as I was asked. I never would have thought I would be receiving such a request from Eli's parents, but the fact that they were so considerate and clearly wanted to make me comfortable by demonstrating interest in the customs that are important to me made my heart swell.

Our dinner was relaxed, long and comfortable, and I almost didn't want it to end. Eli and I updated his parents on our semesters, while Bullfrog told us many amusing and interesting stories from his interviews at the radio station, and Cece often interrupted him playfully to correct him or to insert a joke. After trying out the chocolate mousse that Cece shyly admitted she had bought and not made, I just had to tell her,

"That was such an amazing Christmas dinner, Cece. Thank you so much for including me," and I saw her smile at me immediately in return.

"Of course, baby girl – of course you should be here. I'm glad to see you back on your feet," she warmly said.

"Oh thank you – it was an easy recovery – basically because Eli wouldn't let me lift a finger until long after I was already so much better," I said, and he playfully shook his head at me.

"You had just had surgery, and you were refusing to rest," Eli stubbornly pointed out.

"Well, I'm all better now," I said with a smile as Eli finally flashed me a smirk.

"That's really good to hear, Clarabelle," Bullfrog chimed in and he then encouraged us to move over into the living room to watch TV or a movie, or whatever we wanted to do, as he put it.

"Let me give you a hand with the dishes, Cece," I told her, and despite her insistence that I was to do no such thing, I managed to eventually win her over and Eli diligently helped me while Bullfrog and Cece headed into the living room and I heard them turn the TV on.

I washed the dishes as Eli assumed the role of drying them, but he'd playfully splash some water at me, every once in a while, apologizing and insisting that it was an 'accident, I swear'. When he decided to be more adventurous and he began splashing a bit more water around, I had to remind him,

"Eli, I'm wearing a white shirt," but his eyes only widened in humour as he said, "Precisely," with an evil wink.

"And in a few minutes we are about to walk into the next room and hang out with your parents," I pointed out, and the smirk that had formed on his face fell at once as I heard him mutter, "Dammit, Edwards," and he soon settled down and we finished the dishes much more rapidly once Eli's work ethic improved.

When we headed into the living room, Eli and I snuggled together on the other couch while Bullfrog's arms were wrapped around Cece; one of the things I loved most about spending time with Eli's parents was that this was a completely acceptable option, as were the few kisses that Eli managed to steal as we settled on a movie – his parents took a break from teasing us this time, much to my happiness – but if we were ever spending time with my parents, Eli knew very well that sitting at a respectful distance was a must, and he'd never dare kiss the back of my neck playfully the way he was doing tonight with my parents around. Spending time with Cece and Bullfrog was much more relaxed, and in their company I really felt so accepted and…even loved. The night in which Cece helped me calm down from Jake's scary advances by calmly brushing my hair was a very special moment for me, and something told me it was a very special moment to her as well.

I soon heard Cece ask, "Oh, by the way Eli, did you figure out the graduation ticket situation yet?" and he answered,

"Mom, it's different in university, graduation is not a big deal this time like it is in high school; it's just thousands of faces all cramped together in the Rideau Centre," Eli pointed out as I raised an eyebrow in return. Just where was he going with this?

I had a feeling Cece was wondering the same thing as she immediately said,

"Elijah Goldsworthy, do _not _tell me you would deny your own mother the pleasure of seeing you graduate from U of T," in the most strict tone I had ever heard her use.

Eli just looked at her blankly and replied, "I really wasn't planning on going – I mean, I'm coming back to U of T in September for another year, really - what's the point?" but Cece's stern look did not leave her face.

"You really don't want to go?" she asked incredulously.

"Not really, no, it's not my style exactly," and I saw Bullfrog glare at Eli when he used those words.

I couldn't take this discussion anymore, however, so I just quickly blurted out,

"But you _have to go_!" and I could tell that the urgency in my tone had shocked everyone in the room, as they immediately stared at me and Eli started rubbing my arm gently as he gave me a questioning look.

"Please, Eli," I whispered. "It's…graduation – we've always talked about graduation," hoping he wouldn't call me out on my purposeful vagueness and mention that the one graduation we dreamed the most of was our high school one – that is precisely why I really wanted him to go to his graduation ceremony at U of T.

I rapidly continued, "You have to go –" and he looked at me even more surprised, so I explained, "Eli…your high school graduation – I didn't get to be there…for you. I want…a new photo of us now, from your U of T grad. I love the one we have at my graduation, but…we need a new one, with me and you…with you in your U of T gown in front of the Buchanan building, we can't miss this chance, we already don't have one from your Degrassi graduation, but we _need _another picture from your U of T grad," I was urgently saying. I then felt Eli quickly pull me in for a hug as he softly stoked my back and quickly said, "Okay. Of course. We'll go. We'll go. We'll take a picture together, we'll get our picture," and I knew he could feel me breathe a huge sigh of relief as our bodies were so close. "Me and you, we'll have our picture. And next year, we can take your picture – you'll be the one in the U of T grad gown," he softly said, calming me down further as I saw Cece and Bullfrog cast me a warm look, and Eli's mom quickly said,

"Well, glad that's settled then. So then three tickets, Eli," she reminded him, and Eli responded,

"Okay. Three tickets it is, I'll get them," as I settled back onto the couch into his embrace.

Despite their promise that we were not exchanging presents, Cece and Bullfrog soon held out a small box to them as I said,

"What? You shouldn't have – I thought we weren't doing presents," but they only smiled in response as Bullfrog said, "You're the _student_ Clarabelle, you shouldn't have to spend the little money the university doesn't steal from you guys on presents for us. Besides, you already got us such thoughtful presents from England," he pointed out, both arguments that made me feel a little better.

I slowly unwrapped the present as I asked Eli, "Did you know about this?" and he just shook his head in response, and he looked just as surprised as I was.

I soon came face to face with a rectangle velvet box as Eli got closer and he softly squeezed my shoulder as he said, "So far they're along the right track," knowing that…I had a weak spot for jewellery, and I saw Cece smile at me widely.

I opened the box to reveal a delicate leather wrap bracelet that had a soft gold chain interspersed through it and a few blue pendants as well, and I couldn't help but gasp at how they had ever been able to find the perfect piece to…

"Wow; it matches your necklace perfectly," I heard Eli point out as he tapped the angel resting around my neck lovingly before he continued, "Nice choice, _mom_," a comment which caused Bullfrog to say,

"Hey now – I will have you know I also voted for this one - I knew it would match that blue angel hanging from your neck well. You laugh at me, boy, but you forget I have twenty more years of experience of shopping for girls than you," Bullfrog said with a laugh as Cece immediately countered,

"Girl_s_? Plural word there, Bullfrog – you're a brave man," and he immediately kissed her forehead before saying, "I meant you and…your mother obviously," scrambling just a bit before he added, "you've always been the only girl for me, you know that," and that answer seemed to please Cece as she leaned back into Bullfrog's embrace.

"Do you like it, baby girl? If not we can always go exchange it, have a girls' trip at the mall?" and right on cue, Eli and his dad groaned at the mention of 'girls' day at the mall' as Cece and I rolled our eyes at their reaction.

"I love it," I honestly told her, as Eli helped me put in on – getting a crash course in the specifics of wrap bracelets that seemed to confuse him just a bit – "No exchange needed, it's so unique, and I adore that it matches my favourite necklace," I said as I saw a tiny smirk cross Eli's lips, "But I would still like a girls' mall day anyway," I shyly admitted as Cece got up and I did the same so I could meet her halfway for a hug.

"Of course, baby girl, any day. Love you," I heard her whisper in my ear as she tightly hung onto me, and even if I was well aware that she was very fond of me, I couldn't help but be happily taken aback by her direct declaration before I whispered back, "Love you too".

**Clare's POV**

"You look so handsome," I told Eli as I helped him adjust the grad cap on his head, delighting in the fact that _this time _I was here to help him as he got ready. Well, we were already on campus, summer being underway already – Eli had been working for Dr. Gifford for two weeks already, and I had happily returned to Big Brothers where I had worked as the lead grant writer again, Eli helping me whenever I needed; he had been the last person in the position after all. Eli was just a few minutes from making his way backstage and his parents were already sitting in the Rideau Centre, saving me a spot. I just…wanted a few last minutes with him.

"Thanks, Edwards," he smugly said as he playfully slipped the black robe over my head as well – the things were so huge – and I cuddled into him with a few giggles as I leaned in for a series of heated kisses.

"Go graduate, you – finish your last day as an undergrad," I pointed out as I made my way out of the robe and fixed Eli's grad cap again.

Eli gave me a quick kiss as he said, "Don't you worry, Edwards, I'm coming back in September. I'm graduating only to come back in September," he said in a humorous tone as I couldn't help but add, "Thank God for that," and I was the one to initiate another kiss this time.

"One more – for good luck; or else if I trip and fall it'll be your fault," Eli said with a smirk as he pulled me in rapidly for just one more kiss and I happily obliged.

"Good luck," I whispered breathlessly as I pulled away, quickly adding, "I'll be watching you," and Eli softly replied, "I know. I'll see you," and after _just one more _kiss I was off and in a few more minutes I took my seat next to his parents. The day before yesterday Eli and I had gone to Lana's graduation, and yesterday we had also been to Imogen's – U of T scheduled graduations by Faculty, so they had all ended up on different days; Eli and I felt like veterans by the time his own graduation date came up. I quickly waved Imogen over – she had come to watch Daniel, and as him and Eli were both English majors they were in the same graduation ceremony – and I felt bad to see her sitting all by herself, and we had been able to get much closer ever since my recovery and the amazing stunt she had pulled at the hospital as Eli explained it to me. She looked really grateful as I waved her over, and she said a quick hello to Eli's parents just as the lights dimmer in the theatre.

The Dean of Arts came and gave a speech that was rather similar to the ones I had heard from the other Deans over the past two days, and the graduating guest speaker was Margaret Atwood – a former u of T English Lit grad herself, and as anyone would expect, her speech was rather good. I made a couple of mental notes of the things I wanted to mention to Eli later from her speech, and soon the ceremony was underway. Eli's name was not very far from the top, and I just about burst with pride as his name was called and he walked over to the Dean, shook his hand, collected his diploma, and moved the tassel of his grad cap to the other side, keeping his gaze locked with mine for a long portion of his walk and shooting me a playful smirk. That was all I wanted – to just be in the audience, next to his parents as he received his dual English Lit and Creative Writing diploma…and after it happened, I grinned up at his parents, who looked just as thrilled as I was. Imogen also gave me a smile, but it was nothing compared to the look that crossed her face when Daniel walked across the stage – and I saw him blow her a kiss that reduced her to giggles – Daniel always attempting to be the rock star, this move on his part didn't really surprise me.

After all the names had been read, Cece and Bullfrog and I met Eli outside in the rose courtyard, and I took a picture of them with their son, and I also took one of him and Daniel, him and Daniel and Imogen, then one with each of his parents, and then Adam and Lana came as well; Eli had told them they didn't need to subject themselves to another long and boring graduation ceremony, but he had told them to come for pictures later, and I was ecstatic that they had made it. Cece took a picture of all of us, and then I took a photo of just Adam and Eli, then we inserted Lana into that photo, and then I finally passed the camera to Eli's dad and he took the long-awaited photo of us, snapping a couple, chastising Eli after the first, telling him to 'look at the camera and not at the girl, boy,' but I was secretly glad that we would have a re-enactment of my graduation photo in which Eli hadn't been looking at the camera, but at me instead.

After Bullfrog was satisfied with the number of pictures of Eli and I that he had captured, I heard Eli whisper into my ear, "We can print one of the ones where I'm looking at you for your grandma," and his thoughtfulness impressed me so much that I couldn't help but give him a rather heated kiss right in front of his dad, infinitely grateful that he chose not to tease us right now; out of the corner of my eye I just saw him heading back to Cece. In a moment of silliness one night when we were out on a date, I had admitted to Eli that my grandma loved the picture of me and him at my Degrassi graduation and that she had consequently grilled me with questions about who he was long before Eli had even met her. That confession on my part caused an impromptu spring break road trip in February so we could visit her – Eli had noticed I was a little sad when talking about her and my grandpa's marriage and he suggested that we go visit her, and I jumped at the chance. We called first, because as fun as a surprise would have been, Eli said he did not want to be responsible for 'sending her into cardiac arrest,' and upon hearing that argument, I agreed at once.

My grandma had been absolutely delighted at the suggestion, and we were able to have a nice talk about my future plans – she approved of my choice of law school and I told her that Eli and I had now discussed our future but that we were still years away before making any concrete advances, and she had also approved of that decision. This private talk between the two of us was possible as Eli spent a large portion of those two days fixing my grandma's fence – she had been working on it when we had arrived, and he had told me at once that she shouldn't be doing that at her age. I could tell he instantly became determined to fix it during the two days that we were staying there for – a rather large project, but I knew that when Eli put his mind to something, he didn't rest until his plans were carried through. I also spent a significant amount of time of those two days carrying out lemonade glasses to him and helping him set each piece of plywood in place, but my favorite part of the project was painting it a deep shade of blue, Eli's recommendation of a colour for my grandma, telling her that it wouldn't show weathering as easy as white, and would therefore require less maintenance, a really considerate though on his part that my grandma agreed to and praised him for. At the end of the two days, my grandma's fence was completely finished, and the night we got back to campus and headed to my room as opposed to Eli's as Alli had gone home for the break, Eli got a really nice massage once I discovered all the cuts that had formed along his hands and arms. With a little questioning, he eventually confessed to me that he was a little sore, something I had suspected because the work he had been doing had been quite physical, so I just thought he would like a nice massage to make him feel a bit better…and I had turned out to be rather right.

We quickly said good bye to Adam and Lana and to Imogen and Daniel – they were catching a flight to Ottawa as Imogen was going over there for a visit before returning to work for Dr. Sadler for a second consecutive summer – and then it was also time to say goodbye to Eli's parents – the aunt who had gotten married two years ago now had a baby and Cece and Bullfrog wanted to see their new niece, but Eli had to be back at work for Dr. Gifford on Monday so he couldn't go; his parents would be leaving for a few days. Cece had promised she would find another weekend when she would take me and Eli, as she said that he should see his little cousin, and Eli had agreed at once, and…I absolutely loved kids; I didn't have much experience being around babies, but I really wanted to see little Mia, so it was exciting to know that I soon would be able to.

I gave both Cece and Bullfrog quick hugs before joining hands with Eli and helping him take his grad robe off, and then accompanying him to one of the drop-off bins as I took in his relaxed style; he was wearing black dress pants and a blue dress shirt, and he had a loose black tie around his neck.

"Let's get out of here," I told him after placing a quick kiss on the corner of his lips, and then Eli sent an amused smirk my way as he pulled me towards the Jeep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Are you…okay?" I said with a giggle, struggling to catch my own breath, and then Eli pulled me up his level on the bed and gave me a really urgent kiss that I felt his entire body still tremble into. I…had finally gotten the guts to try something new with him, but I think I caught him by complete surprise. I had learned that Eli quickly responded to my touches, but everything so far had been nothing compared to the sheer intensity of what I saw him experience tonight. As I rested my head against his bare chest I could feel it erratically heaving as Eli was struggling for breath, and his heart was beating as fast as I had ever felt it. I had…never seen him _quite _like this, so I moved up so I could push his bangs back and his gaze fixed on mine so powerfully that it told me more than any words could have in that moment.

"Clare…I just…just…" he struggled to say, still trembling a little, but I just pushed his hair back further as I said, "Hey, hey, it's okay," and I helped him calm down a little more by gently running my hand on his chest in circles, rubbing slowly directly over his heart because I knew that helped him.

"Oh my God," I heard him sigh as he moved his hand to his own hair and ran it through a couple of times, and he was still breathing heavily as struggled to get out, "I…that…so didn't expect…_that_," and this time he gave me a much slower, tender kiss as he pulled me in a little closer after sliding his boxers back on and pushing the sheets away from our tangled bodies, which I knew he was doing because he was hot. His face was really flushed and I could feel his skin practically radiate heat as he was still trembling a bit as he sighed, "And you're worried…about doing something wrong," in an incredulous tone.

"It was…okay?" I teased him.

"Clare…look at me - I'm a complete mess, can't you tell? That was…you're…there's no words," he said, resignation flooding his tone as he kissed my piercing slowly.

"I can't believe I just did that," I giggled as Eli raised an eyebrow at me and whispered, "Any regrets?"

"No, of course not, we didn't break my vow," I replied. "I just…never saw myself doing that, but…with you…it's different," I shyly admitted.

"Bad different? Like I make you…reckless?" he asked.

"_Not _reckless. Just…not afraid, but within the right limits. I know you'd never take advantage of me. Good different. Amazing different. Perfect different," I explained to him as I felt his breathing eventually become somewhat more controlled and his shaking had subsided.

"Okay," he quietly told me, locking his gaze with mine again as I placed a gentle kiss on his chest and I felt him sigh contently.

"But…you're okay too?" Eli asked me as I felt him twirling one of my curls between his index and middle finger.

"Of course," I told him, and I felt him place a soft kiss on my shoulder as I snuggled further into him.

Eli then placed a trail of kisses from my shoulder to my neck, and he slipped my lace straps down so he could continue his kisses, but he was careful to not completely remove the fabric from my body, which I was grateful for. I wanted some things to be special, and I was glad he understood that. Eli then gently flipped me over so that I was buried among his black sheets and I felt my curls spread out over his skull pillowcases as he gave me many patient and deep kisses, slowly making his way down my neck as I gripped the hair towards the back of his neck, and I could feel my sighs and whimpers increase in volume as he made his way down my chest, tugging the skin more aggressively in some places.

"Oh, E-Eli, I…" I heard myself let out laboriously, and I felt my heart start to beat faster when he reached my stomach but didn't immediately head back up as he usually did. Through half-lidded eyes I saw him pull away, positioning himself higher over me as he softly said, "Clare…you're so beautiful…you're too much," and he stroked my stomach gently and ran his hands down the sides of my body before he resumed his kisses around my bellybutton as my hands moved from his hair to tightly grip his sheets. He had never gone this low before, but…after what happened earlier, I wasn't surprised that he was looking to reciprocate. I felt him place a few kisses just under my belly button before his fingers tentatively ghosted along the lace edge of my satin panties, and my breath hitched when he raised the edge just slightly, his eyes fixed on mine the entire time.

I could feel his body quiver a little as he asked, "I…too soon?"

I could feel my entire body squirming a little uncontrollably as I returned my fingers to his hair and I told him, "No…I want you to…but…just…go slow," but with that declaration Eli stood up even a bit higher and he asked,

"You sure?" and as I felt my entire body blush and my breathing was increasing with each passing second I nodded my head and whispered, "Eli…don't take them off," and I heard him softly say, "I won't, I know," and I tightened my grip on his hair as I felt him respecting my wishes, and I couldn't help but cry out his name as I felt the contact after Eli moved my panties aside. I could now understand why my earlier actions had left him so flustered…he was right…this really was too much, in the best way possible. I started to believe that there wasn't enough air in his room as I gasped for breath; his movements were slow but definite as he gently pushed my legs further apart and my whimpers of his name became only more pronounced as I could feel his hands gently massaging my legs. I saw my own chest heaving erratically as I could no control my soft but urgent moans and it wasn't long before I loudly called out his name in pure, shocking bliss and I couldn't help but throw my head back as I felt his movements gently subside and he pulled away, slowly caressing my legs until their trembling had minimized. After he had gently pushed them back together, he slowly trailed a series of kisses up my body and slipped his arms under me so he could wrap me in a tight embrace. My entire body was still trembling and I was panting as Eli slowly ran his fingers through my curls, keeping his eyes on mine the entire time, and gently whispering, "I've got you, Clare. I'm right here, and I'm not letting go of you," words that soothed me perfectly. Eli slowly caressed my entire shaking body until I had regained control of my senses and I could give him a tight hug, moving out of it just a little so I could cover our bodies with just one thin sheet, and Eli softly kissed my cheek once he noticed that I had regained control of my body, even though I definitely knew that my entire face was still completely flushed.

"Too much?" he softly whispered.

"No; it was perfect. _You're_ perfect. I love you, I…just need a minute," I told him, and I felt him hold me just a bit tighter as he slowly ran his hand up and down the contours of my body on the outside of the sheet, and his loving touch was just what I needed to calm down and I soon reached up so I could capture his lips in a kiss, retreating back into his embrace as Eli rocked me gently, and sleep overcame both of us in a matter of minutes.


	38. All for You

**Hi lovely readers,**

**Sorry this has taken so long…I have not died, but my computer did. Got an evil virus and just like that…I lost everything, including many many words of this story. So…took a while for me to get everything reorganized, get a new computer, etc. I missed this story though, and some of you have told me you have as well, so it's nice to be back.**

**Also, very important question. I need to know if you guys are still reading this, so please tell me if it provides any sort of comfort between the horrible promos or if you just feel completely disengaged from it at this point. No point in continuing if it's not helping anyone. We have very few chapters to go, and we'd finish by the time the new season starts, but it is a considerable effort so I would appreciate it if you left me your thoughts in a review.**

**Special thanks go to my friend iloveeliandclare for being my calm Adam to my panicked Eli moment when all of this computer crisis went down.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

**Dylan's POV**

_Initiate the kiss but make sure that she is leaning in too, and that you are not just jumping her. I know she will, and then…just take it easy. Play your cards right and you'll have plenty of time to kiss her as much as you want later. _

Eli's words of advice were ringing through my mind as I was watching the ballet group on stage; I knew that after two more groups, Angela's category would come out next. I have been to a few of her shows now – when she first handed me the advertising pamphlets in English class I knew I would be going in a heartbeat; not just because she is even more beautiful when she is dancing and because I love spending time around her, but because she has come to every single baseball game of mine. And she always made it so easy for me; after I finally got the guts to lamely say 'You could come if you'd find it interesting,' one time, she just asked me when the next one is and said she'd be there. And it went on like that for a little over two years…I guess that's what Eli meant when he kept talking about how we would work because we were starting from a really good friendship. And I really hoped that we would work, just like Eli and Clare. Looking back on it, I think it's totally embarrassing that she had to do that because I couldn't man up and ask her to each game, but I'm ready now. I have seen how Eli acts around Clare for long enough now; I've been watching and after what he told me last weekend, I know I'm ready to do the same.

_Play your cards right and you'll have plenty of time to kiss her as much as you want later. _

The group took one final bow and then the next one came on stage, and I knew that I only needed to last through just this one more before I would get to see Angela; ballet really wasn't my thing and I found every single performance that she wasn't in extremely boring. But…when she came on stage…it was different. It was…captivating.

_What the hell?_ Why are there _guys_ dancing with these girls? Are _guys_ going to be dancing with Angela group, the next one after this one? I can't believe this! She wouldn't mention getting a partner to me? She mentioned her new routine was the hardest one she had ever done, but she sure as hell didn't mention _this. _Because if the group before her has guys, her group will too, right? We're moving into the creepy portion of this whole ballet thing? Angela's going to have one of these guys in tights lift her like that? Be close to her like that? _Touch her _like that? I can't watch that, why on earth would she invite me here knowing this is what I would be subject to?

What would Eli tell me to do? Is this how he felt when that Jake jerk was creeping on Clare? How could he not have punched him? Or maybe he did and I just don't know? He probably must have…at some point, right? I mean, I swear to God, if one of these ballet idiots…

"What a lovely performance from 22nd Street Studios. Now, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Pointers Dance Academy!"

The announcer's voice made me snap out of my thoughts as I heard the name of Angela's school and…thank God, when they all came out…it was just girls. I let out a deep breath and took in the rush of colour that filled the stage almost instantaneously; every girl was wearing a wavy skirt of a different colour…now, where's my girl?

There she is, in the yellow one. Of course she's in the front. She's the best, so her teacher would obviously put her in the front. And…she's so beautiful. She's definitely the best dancer out of all the other girls, but what I love most is that she seems so…free when she's doing this. So happy, like she's thinking of nothing else in that moment. I want her to be happy with me too. I want to _make_ her happy. I'm going to ask her to go somewhere after the show. I can't wait any longer. What if at the next ballet show she d_oes _all of a sudden have some guy touching her? He needs to know she's taken. But where should I ask her to go?

_Make it special – take her somewhere nice, and it doesn't need to be at night because that might make her a little nervous if she's not used to being out at that time – just for a nice meal on the beach, or at a park maybe. Get her an ice cream or something; and don't ever let her pay. If she pays for anything, it's not a date, Dylan, it's just two friends hanging out together, and that's not exactly what we're going for here. Make it as relaxed as possible, because that will make her feel better, and when the time is right, don't be afraid. Make sure you walk her home at the end as well; you should never leave a girl to walk home alone after a date. Ever. When you're old enough, I'll teach you how to drive. But until then, walking is good too - gives you a chance to talk. _

**Angela's POV**

_Phew. It's over. It went well. _

I was just playing with my ballerina pendant necklace as I took a drink of water and calmed my breathing down. That was a good show, and it was so much fun. And…_he_ came. Of course he came, he comes to every single one, but…why is it taking him so long? Maybe he doesn't…feel the same way after all. And if he doesn't, I don't want to waste my time like this anymore. If he wants to be just friends…there are some other boys at school who like me for sure. Mark even tried to kiss me last weekend, but I…didn't want to. I didn't want him to be my first kiss. I know Dylan is a little shy, and maybe…he's still really sad about his mom, like my mom said. But he doesn't talk to me much about that, and I don't want to push. I know he talks to his friend Eli about his mom, and I think that's good. I think Eli is a good guy, and he's such a good friend to Dylan.

But…why doesn't Dylan see that Eli takes Clare's hand when they are walking to the bleachers, and he puts his hand on her lower back when they head up the bleachers and makes sure her footing is sound and that she's always well looked after? Dylan asks me for ice cream like Eli asks Clare at baseball, but Eli sits nice and close to Clare and they always taste each other's ice cream as well. I want him…to do those things as well.

I went over and met my mom's outstretched arms with a hug. She always came to every show, and I loved that so much; she's never missed even one. It's always made me wonder how…sad it must make Dylan that all of our parents always come to our extracurricular activities; his dad works a lot, so he can't come much of the time…but I hope that the fact that I come to baseball helps a bit. I want him to know that he's not alone. I'm there to cheer him on and often so is his little brother with Eli and Clare.

"Oh, honey, you were so fantastic! I think it was your best performance yet," I heard my mom enthusiastically tell me.

"Thanks, mom," I replied.

"Is…Dylan here, sweetie?" she so nonchalantly asked, like she always does, and she was met with the usual response.

"He's here, mom," I said, and despite how hard I tried to fight it, I felt my cheeks warm up.

You'd think that by now I would have learned that it's not something I can control…but…it's a little embarrassing to have my mom think about Dylan. I've never had a boyfriend before, and…I know she likes him, because she's always saying how it always strikes her how much Dylan has grown up to be exactly the way his mom would have wanted him to. She always says he's so conscientious and takes such good care of his little brother, and she's right. But…it's still a little weird…because my mom has never been the most subtle person in the world.

"Well, do make sure you go say thanks to him before we leave," she reminded me, and I nodded and began looking around for him, but all I had to do was walk around a few steps; I could tell that he was waiting for me to finish talking with my mom, giving us our privacy. Just like Dylan to do that.

"Hi," I shyly started, "Thanks for coming".

"Thank you for inviting me. It was…beautiful. You were…beautiful," he nervously said, and I could feel my cheeks getting even redder, if such a thing was even possible.

"I think…it was my favourite performance so far," I admitted, "I think I danced the best tonight".

"You always dance incredibly," he quickly answered me, and...that was so great to hear. I gave him a smile as I heard him continue,

"Hey, do you want to maybe…get something to eat? I mean…if you're hungry after the show and all…" he asked, rubbing his neck with his hand uncomfortably. I could tell he was nervous, and I really wanted to go with him so I think I answered back a little too eagerly,

"I really want to. I'm starving, so hungry," but I saw him smile and relax a little, and then he continued,

"Awesome. Eli actually went to school here," he said, in reference to the school that the theatre was in – this was a bit of a bigger show so the dance teachers rented the Degrassi auditorium, "and he told me about this coffee place nearby that he said is pretty good - it's called The Dot, I think. I'll walk you home after," he added.

"Let's go there, that sounds perfect," I said, because it sounded like a great plan to me and I could tell that Dylan was really nervous. I only really wanted to encourage him.

I quickly went off to find my mom after telling Dylan that I would be just a second, and when I saw her, I nervously said,

"Mom, would it be okay if Dylan and I go to grab a bite to eat?" and I saw her give me a small smile before she answered,

"Of course, sweetheart. That would be great. Where are you going?" she asked me.

"He says he knows this place called The Dot. And he'll walk me home," I informed her.

"That sounds great, Angela. Good that he's walking you home. Have fun, sweetheart," my mom said enthusiastically, and I gave her one last hug before I returned to where Dylan was waiting for me.

"Do you mind if I just change quickly?" I asked him, not really wanting to parade through the streets of Toronto and at a coffee shop in my ballet bodysuit and skirt.

"Of course. Take your time, I'll be waiting right here," he said, and I quickly rushed to go do so, because I didn't want to keep him waiting. Just as I was about to book it out the door, my best friend Heather stopped me and asked,

"Angela, wait – come for ice cream with my mom and I?" this outing being one that we had been on with either of our moms lots of times before. And as much as I never wanted to be one of those girls who ditches all of her friends for a boy, Dylan technically asked me first, and I would make sure to make this up to Heather. I just hope she understands.

"Um, is it okay if I make it up to you tomorrow? Come for a sleep over? It's just that…Dylan already asked me to go get lunch with him," I shyly admitted, and when I was finished speaking, I could tell that worries about being left behind were the last thing on Heather's mind right now. She just jumped up and down excitedly, clapping her hands rapidly.

"Oh my God! Hallelujah! He _finally _asked you out!" she squealed.

"He did no such thing," I answered back at once. "We've hung out like this plenty of times before," I pointed out.

"Whatever, you can try to sell me that lie but I don't buy it – not for one second. Oh, I hope you have lots of fun, but don't keep him waiting – go, go!" she said excitedly, basically pushing me out the door.

I saw Dylan smile at me and he came up to me and led me towards the doors to the theatre after telling me that I look really nice. I had changed into a pair of dark skinny jeans and a blue dress shirt with tiny flowers printed all over it, and I hoped he noticed that I kept on my ballerina necklace that he gave me. I loved it so much; it was the most special piece of jewellery that I owned.

It turned out that just as Eli had told Dylan, The Dot was very close to Degrassi, but it was also very crowded with tons of kids who I assume went to Degrassi. Our school was pretty far from Degrassi, and Dylan would play them in baseball sometimes, and I knew that those games were some of the harder ones; Degrassi's athletic department was pretty good. But no one on any team was better than Dylan.

We ordered lunch and Dylan refused to let me pay my share, something he always did…and mom said that it's good when boys do this, and even if it made me feel uncomfortable at first a little. Mom said it's not because it's like some anti-feminist thing where the boy thinks you can't support yourself and wants you to be a housewife, but because…apparently it's a signal that separates a date from just two friends hanging out. So everything was starting out really well, but…I really hoped that I could get some answers after today. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.

"Do you want to stay here or maybe to go the park and eat? Eli says there's one nearby," Dylan asked me as the waiter asked us if we wanted our burgers for here or to go.

"Going to the park sounds nice," I suggested, as I didn't like all the people here and it was such a nice sunny summer day outside. It felt like summer was finally here to stay in Toronto, but it hadn't gotten to that unbearable heat yet.

"To go then, please," I heard Dylan politely tell the waiter, and then he led me in the direction of the park. I imagined this was something Eli and Clare had done back in high school a few times – all of those Degrassi kids in there sort of reminded me of them – but…Eli would take Clare's hand if he was walking her to the park, I thought, a little disappointed that although Dylan walked close to me, he didn't do such a thing.

The walk to the park was nice and Dylan complimented me more on the show, and I caught him definitely looking at my angel necklace – it caught the sun's rays at times, another thing that I loved about it. We talked about our summer plans as well – we were both staying in the city, except for the one week where I was going on vacation with my mom to Cancun…but I didn't tell him about that because I had a feeling it would make him sad. I knew his mom's accident had occurred right before they were supposed to go on a family vacation, and I didn't think he needed a reminder of that right now. I wanted him to be happy in this moment. I was.

"Let's sit at this table," I told him, choosing one framed by a group of shady trees and a little away from everyone else. Dylan hopped on top of the table and rested his feet on the bench part. I did the same as we ate and talked more about how happy we were that school was over, what movies we wanted to see over the summer, and he told me about his summer baseball league and I figured I should tell him my latest news as well, so I said,

"I hope I'll be able to move into the next division for ballet over the summer," and I think he picked up on the worry in my voice as he immediately said,

"I'm sure you will. You're the best girl out of everyone you dance with," a comment which I am certain made my cheeks redder than they already were.

"Then-" I started, but then I saw Dylan's face fall at once and he blurted out,

"Does a new division mean you'll be dancing with some guy?" and I could tell he was…jealous.

"No," I answered, "that's not for a long while, and I don't think…I'm not sure if I want to do that yet," I honestly admitted.

"It's weird," Dylan said at once, "Dancing with a guy like that," and I had to nod my head in agreement because I thought the same thing. But does this mean…?

I decided to repeat, "I'm not…going to be dancing like that, Dylan," and I saw him exhale as he gave me a slow, embarrassed smile. He picked up all of our garbage and tossed it into a nearby garbage can, and then he came back and sat on top of the table, but this time he was a lot closer to me.

I saw him sharply inhale before he said, "Angela…I don't want you…to dance with some guy like that," and although I tried to control it, I could feel a small smile forming across my lips.

"I don't…want to…" I admitted, and I felt my heart beating faster as I saw Dylan lean in closer to me. He was slowly getting closer and closer and I saw his eyes scanning my own until I started to lean in as well, just...slowly, and then I was so nervous that I closed my eyes and I felt…him _finally _kissing me. I had never been kissed before, but it felt…right. It wasn't scary or aggressive, but slow and calm, and I felt Dylan place his arms gently around my waist before we both pulled away.

I knew my cheeks must have been flaming, and I really hoped he couldn't hear how fast my heart was beating…he couldn't, right? I had to struggle a bit to catch my breath, but before I knew what I was saying, I whispered,

"What…took…you so long?" and Dylan laughed a little awkwardly in response before he looked right into my eyes and said,

"I'm sorry. I…I'm ready now, you know? I would like you to be…my girlfriend now," and I knew exactly what he meant. I knew that things had been really hard for him ever since his mom, and I was glad to see that he was the kind of boy that wasn't going to rush into anything. He was my good friend; that's what I loved most about him.

"I know, and I really want to be your girlfriend," I softly told him, and my heart skipped another beat when he reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers, keeping them like that the entire way that he walked me home.

When I closed my house door behind me, I leaned against it for a minute, trying to hold onto the wonderful feeling that had taken over my body and mind for just a minute longer, and then I got really embarrassed when I noticed that all this time, my mom was sitting on the living room couch and I had never seen her. Had she seen Dylan and me walking hand in hand all the way up to the door?

"Did you see?" I softly asked, not really able to keep the excitement out of my voice.

"Yeah, I saw, I saw. How do you feel, sweetheart? This is a good thing," she gently told me.

"I'm happy mom. I…really like him," I answered her as I sat down on the couch next to her.

"He's a good boy, sweetheart. Diane would have been so proud of her boy, he's growing up to be a real gentleman," my mom softly said as she pulled me in for a tight hug.

**Eli's POV**

"That's my boy!" I playfully said to Dylan into the phone – I had left him strict instructions to call me after his big day.

I knew he planned on making a move today, and the advice I gave him worked, because he called me all love struck to tell me that Angela was now officially his girlfriend and that him and Angela and Clare and I should double date. Um…I'm not so sure about that last point, but I didn't want to tell him anything to bring his excitement down to earth because I wanted him to enjoy this moment to the fullest extent. It'd be pretty funny to hear what Clare would have to say if I told her Dylan wants us to have a double date with him and Angela, though. But as for actually doing it…that might only place all this pressure on the poor kids.

"That's really awesome, I knew you could do it. So now…just keep it up, but not too intensely, okay? Take it easy and listen to her. It's her first relationship, and yours too," I told him, not wanting him to make the same mistake that I did. I knew Dylan wasn't likely to because the circumstances were rather different, but…I thought it was still worth mentioning it.

I saw Adam raise his eyebrow suspiciously at me – he had no clue who I talking to – and he was over at my house for guys' night. Although Adam and I saw each other a lot during the summer, it definitely wasn't the same as living together, and we'd have to work something out for next year as seeing how I was no longer in undergrad, I couldn't live in Innis College anymore.

I mouthed 'Dylan and Angela' to him so I could explain what was going on, and Adam stole the phone from me – something I totally didn't expect or else he wouldn't have been able to pull such a move – and shouted "Boo-yeah" into it. I could heard Dylan laughing at the other end and after gaining my phone back, we talked for a little bit longer. He then put Scotty on the phone for me for a bit, and we hung up after that, Dylan just as completely excited as when he first called me.

"They grow up so fast," I said sarcastically as Adam shook his head at me and saved our progress on our game.

"That's cute," he shot back in a similar sarcastic tone, "I mean…it's nice that bench in the park got to be a witness to a _real _first kiss," Adam responded, making an obvious reference to my hesitation around Clare during our _Romeo and Juliet _project.

"Just don't go there, man," I said, giving him a bit of a glare, "And for the sake of the argument, may I just point out that it turned out I wasn't totally wrong over…you know, not wanting to share everything with her," I pointed out.

"Think so?" Adam asked me with a raised eyebrow.

"I wish…I wouldn't have taken her down that road, you know? I was one scary messed up dude, and she was a kind and patient fifteen year old. That's what it comes down to in the end," I insisted, lying down on my bed while Adam sat on my desk chair.

"It's not that simple, Eli," Adam said.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"Clare wanted to know. She pushed. And then…if it would have been just the two of you working on your relationship, like it should have been, I think you would have made it work. But then all that Fitz stuff happened," he added, and I felt myself flinch at that name.

"I didn't handle it well," I insisted.

"Okay – here's the thing," Adam said with one of his exasperated hand gestures.

"I…get it now, Eli. If I had some guy who just came out of juvi creeping up on Lana, going into her house when she was alone and yelling at me that he had a spiritual connection with my girlfriend, I'd punch him so hard he'd see stars. And you know how stubborn Lana can be, I can imagine how you felt. That was _not _all your fault," Adam told me, so patient with me – like always.

"Adam….do you think that she's forgiven me?" I asked him, turning around so I wouldn't be meeting his gaze; I had just shared my biggest fear out loud with another human being and it had me a little unnerved.

"I think she has, Eli," he said at once, "and you have to let the past be the past. Clare loves you and someday I'm gonna be the crazy uncle who your kids can't wait to come visit," Adam said with a chuckle.

"Whatever, they won't be so excited to see you as yours and Lana's kids will be to see their favourite uncle," I shot back.

"Yeah well, couldn't blame them, Drew's a pretty fun guy," Adam replied mischievously, so I just threw a pillow his way to shut him up.

"Whatever, man. We need to figure out where we're gonna live next year," I heard him continue and I nodded in response.

"Come live in one of the Master's students' residence colleges," I told him.

"I'd be allowed?" he asked, a look of surprise etched on his face.

"You are if you live with a cool Master's student," I said, smugly smiling.

"That would be great – those are awesome apartments and they're not too far from central campus and from where we were for the past three years," Adam pointed out.

"It's settled then. I was thinking we could choose Opus College," I told him, and then I turned on my laptop so I could show him pictures of the two bedroom, two bathroom suites and so that we could register if they met Adam's approval.

Adam spent a bit of time looking at all of the different choices before confirming that he also thought Opus College looked like the best choice, and then, much to our relief, we were able to secure a placement; housing at U of T was always a bit of a tricky thing, and I didn't want to end up in some horror situation with no place to live on campus.

"Where's Lana staying next year?" I asked Adam, figuring that it would be her last year on camps – she was doing a Business Master's, and unlike English Lit degrees, you could actually get jobs right away with those.

"She's in the grad section of Annesley," Adam answered, and then he added, "Too bad Innis College doesn't have one of those," and I nodded in response.

"Yeah, but at least it's only two blocks away," I pointed out, "Not too far from your girl".

"Not too far from yours either," Adam replied as I flashed him a smirk in response.

"You nervous for your Master's?" Adam asked me.

"A little. I need to do well if I want to do my PhD –" I started, but Adam quickly interrupted me, being very familiar with my plans.

"And become a prof and be stable enough so Clare will marry you and have your babies," Adam teased, causing me to throw another pillow in his direction.

"I'm all out of pillows now, Adam, the next thing that will be coming your way is this lamp," I warned him with a laugh.

"Whatever, man. You know that's what you want to happen," he continued.

"Is it so wrong for me to want a future with my long-term girlfriend?" I countered. "Is that…suffocating?" I asked, honestly wanting to know his opinion.

"It's not, dude, you need to let that obsession go. I think about the future with Lana. We're like…at that age now, it's normal to start thinking about these things, you know?" Adam pointed out, and I was pretty relieved to hear that opinion from him.

I was aware that things were different now, but Dr. Sadler had told me that….I'd always have to be careful despite the fact that I no longer needed therapy…and I didn't want to get to a point that by the time that I knew I was in too deep I'd already be gone too far. Not again.

"I guess," was all I chose to say to Adam in response.

**Clare's POV**

_Oh, Clare-Bear, I know you will do amazing for sure. Top score. _

My dad's words were ringing through my mind as I was making my way through practice LSAT questions; the score I got on this test would count for 50% of my law school acceptance mark. But…my palms were all sweaty and my heart was beating really fast at the realization that…I wasn't so sure that my dad was correct.

I was used to working hard and doing well in school, but I never realized just how hard these questions are. Out of the ten sample ones that I did, I only got five right; that is completely unacceptable. And on top of everything else, U of T is the number one law school in the country; it's not like I am just up against people from my own province…it's people from all over the country, I remembered with a panic. What if….I don't get a good score? A good GPA is _not _good enough for U of T law, that much I know. And the worst part is that when I try to tell someone about it, they just…they never take it seriously. Not my dad, who has been through this whole process before – but that was years ago, not my mom who just tells me that she's sure I will have no problems, and not Eli, who just shoots me a smirk and says I am the smartest girl he knows. But being the smartest girl he knows isn't going to help me get into law school….doing as many practice tests as possible is, however. That's why while Eli will be working for Dr. Gifford part time and for Big Brothers part time, I opted to take the summer off, to make sure I can learn all of this so I can do well when I write the test on October 15th. I _need to _do well on the test; it's the single most important thing in my life right now. So much is riding on it, and if I don't –

Ugh. Someone's knocking at the door. Is it five already? Eli had asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him tonight and I had originally said yes, but…I'm not so sure I'm in the mood anymore. All of this stress is really getting to me.

"Hey," he eagerly said as I opened the door, and he gave me a quick kiss that I didn't really respond to.

"Picked up a few movies," he continued, coming into the living room and laying out the options on my coffee table.

"Which one do you think?" he asked as I was reading the back of them, but I really didn't feel like making a selection. I just wasn't in the mood, and I kind of hoped that he would be able to tell.

"Whichever one you want is fine with me," I replied, and he picked one up at once and inserted it into my DVD player, saying something about how he had heard that it was really good.

He kept talking as I kept glancing over to my unfinished prep test laying out on the kitchen table, and I felt bad that I wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying, so I did my best to focus, and I heard him enumerate,

"…but maybe we should leave the beach day until it gets a bit hotter," and I tipped my head in slight confusion – what was he talking about? Summer plans?

"…we could check out the music fest, and then maybe the next weekend we could drive down to Hamilton and finally see baby Mia – and I think maybe Adam and Lana would like to come with us as well, and then on the 17th we have that fundraiser for the campaign Daniel and I worked on, but that still gives us lots of time for urban adventures around Toronto, or maybe we could even drive down to-"

What was he doing? Where did all of these plans _come from_ all of a sudden? They were all things we had talked about before, that's true, but…as I looked over at my LSAT notes, half the questions in them wrong, I felt my heart beating faster, and I burst out,

"Stop it, Eli! That's enough…it's too much, you're stressing me out," but I immediately regretted my harsh tone when I saw his eyes widen and he gasped incredulously, much like in the way he…first did when I found him a little too excited for…another trip.

"I just…it's different for me this summer, I have to study," I pointed out, but the blank look on his face made me wonder if he had even heard me.

I didn't know what to say next, but I watched as Eli pulled out the DVD from the player, stuffed it back in its case, and angrily picked up all of the DVDs, shaking his head the entire time.

"I'm suffocating you," he deadpanned, his green eyes staring at me with as much coldness and distance as I had ever seen in them.

"That's not-" I started, but he cut me off at once as he snarled,

"Don't worry about it, I get it. Being with your boyfriend is suffocating. Planning fun things with your boyfriend is suffocating. I get it now, Clare. But you know what I _don't_ get?" he asked angrily, shaking his head even more,

"Why the fuck I'm still your boyfriend. I don't want to be," he said, and my jaw dropped in shock.

"You…don't want to be my boyfriend?" I whispered. Where did _this _come from all of a sudden now?

"No. I don't. Not when I come off suffocating; don't you get it, Clare? It's not an issue of the time, it's an issue of the fact that _I'm_ the problem. The fact that you don't want to spend time with your boyfriend is a pretty big red flag, if you ask me. I don't need this," he said angrily.

"You don't understand, Eli, -" I started, but he cut me off again as I was struggling to find my words.

"I understand perfectly, Clare. What I _don't_ understand is why you like torturing me like this…playing with my mind when you were saying all that stuff - if I want to marry you, joking about our wedding night – that's just cruel. I…swept my heart off the floor so many times now and gave it back to you – for the last time. I am done. There's nothing left to give," he said, and I felt tears invade my eyes when I tried looking at everything from his perspective.

He started to walk away as he angrily muttered, "Have fun making out left, right, and centre with whatever guy you choose next –we both know it won't take you very long. See you around, riding in a nice new shiny car," clearly a mean reference to my choice of dating Jake.

Why was he doing this? He was being unnecessarily hurtful.

I…know he still has some lingering fears, and that's normal, but this episode has converted them into full-blown anger. But he's wrong…I never meant to come off this way, and I'll be damned if I let him walk away. I stepped in front of the door before he got to it, and his piercing cold stare met mine as he sighed, his whole body steaming not with…anger anymore, but with…hurt. His eyes were red and he was blinking quickly.

"Let me out. I deserve to move past this too, you know. I have a right to be with someone who wants to be _with me_ too. This might sound crazy to you, but there might be someone out there who wants to be with me too, someday," he said, and I saw a tear escape his eye.

"Then you won't leave this house, because the person who wants to be with you most is right here, trying to talk to you," I softly said, adding, "Eli…you're wrong. I never meant to say you're suffocating, and in fact – I want us both to never use that word again. I hate it, more than any other word in the English language," I explained, and I saw just look off into the corner as he slowly shook his head more.

"Eli…I love you, and we made a promise to each other that we will talk things through…without walking away," I reminded him, whispering, "Leaving's not an option, remember?" but I saw another tear escape his eye, and he was still not talking.

"You're not being…overbearing," I chose to say, "and this isn't about anything you're doing. You're so good to me, Eli. This is about something going on with me…something that I should have told you about sooner. I'm sorry that I ended up…exploding on you…taking my stress out on the one person who has always been there for me," I explained, and his gaze slowly met mine.

"What's wrong?" he whispered, his voice raspy and grave.

"Just…first…first, are _we_ okay?" I asked him.

"I'm still…scared, Clare," Eli said exhaling deeply. I gently grabbed his hands and guided us to the couch, and I sat down on my coffee table so I could be across from him and look into his eyes easier.

"Of what, Eli?" I asked him in a soft tone.

"Of what just happened," he said, and I could feel his frustration. "I just feel like…any day now, you could change your mind. And I don't have the luxury of knowing," he said, exhaling once again and looking up at me with complete conviction despite the vulnerability of his words.

"Eli…what happened was a long time ago and things are really different now," I pointed out.

"Are they? Are they all that different?" he insisted.

"Yes. Very different. We're older, and you…you did the hardest thing out there for a human being to do," I told him.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You…conceded to your innermost self and realized that there was something you wanted to fix, and you did it, Eli. All by yourself," I told him, wanting him to understand that I don't see him as the same sick sixteen year old boy that he once was.

"So then…why do you still find me suffocating? It's got to be that…you don't feel the same way about me that I do," he said, and I could understand what he meant, but I wanted to give him the whole picture here.

"No, Eli, I don't find you the-word-that-shall-not-be-spoken. I hate that word, and I don't find you that way. And I love you – that's the way I feel about you, and I wasn't trying to torture you when I talked about marriage someday, Eli – that's how I feel. Don't you feel the same way?" I asked, needing this clarification.

"Of course I do, but…what's going on, Clare?" he asked, impatience in his voice.

"I'm…scared, Eli," I admitted.

"Of what? Of a future with me?" he asked.

"No, Eli, of course not. Of…the future that I need to make for myself. I'm not…I'm not getting good results on my LSAT practice tests," I admitted, and I felt myself tear up again, the stress of my earlier study experience collapsing onto me again.

I saw Eli's face soften as he sighed and gently pulled me off the coffee table into an embrace, just holding me as he ran his fingers through my hair gently with one hand and strongly supporting my waist with the other.

"Oh, Clare, _that's _what's wrong?" he exhaled as I nodded shamefully.

"And me going off with all these summer plans, it just…worried you…that you wouldn't have time to improve? Time to study enough?" he asked, and I nodded again, hanging on to him just a bit tighter.

"I'm sorry, Clare," he softly said, but I just had to reply at once,

"It's not your fault Eli, you shouldn't be the one apologizing. I'm sorry – I should have told you before, I knew you would be supportive, but I haven't really done a practice test until just now," I explained, adding, "And I am – you know- sorry. The last thing I want to do is to hurt you," I confessed.

"I'm sorry I overreacted," I heard Eli say as his hand moved from my hair to rubbing circles in my back.

"It's okay," I responded at once, and then he quickly added,

"And I'm sorry for…those mean things I said, I was just…a little hurt," he said in a raspy tone, and…I knew that as hurtful as they were, the impact they had on me was just a small fraction of the impact that seeing me with Jake must have had on Eli. I knew that I had hurt him badly, and I was just glad that we were able to find our way to gaining trust again.

"It's all right, Eli, it's okay," I reassured him.

"I…didn't want to like, jealously keep you to myself all summer, I just thought…maybe you would like to do those things with me. But you don't have to," he nervously said.

"I _want to, _Eli – besides, you were only planning stuff on weekends, right?" I said, my now lucid mind being able to think clearly and reflect on the things he was talking about.

"Yeah; I work during the week between Dr. Gifford's research assistant position and Big Brothers," he reminded me, "and I thought…you could use a break from your LSAT studying on the weekends," Eli softly explained, as I held onto our embrace a bit tighter.

"That sounds perfect," I told him, pulling out so I could place a gentle kiss on his lips.

"Are you sure?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Positive. But I might not be able to on the weekends close to the actual test," I mentioned to him, and I saw him give a warm smile full of understanding and reassurance before he said, "Of course. I understand," and I couldn't help but grin up at him in response.

"I love you," I sighed as I pulled him back into a tight hug.

"I love you too," I heard him reply as he leaned back against the back of the couch and I moved my legs to either side of him.

"Eli?" I softly asked him as I pushed his bangs back and played with the metal hoop at the top of his ear.

"I…Have you…" I stumbled as he shot me an encouraging glare.

"You know I have forgiven you for everything that happened, right?" I asked him point blank, leaning in to place a kiss on his metal hoop.

"You have _no idea_ how much that means to me," he breathed.

"Well, _you _have forgiven _me_ too. We both did bad things," I pointed out before gently adding, "But, Eli, seeing you so tortured over this…I think there's still one major thing that needs to happen," I gently told him.

"What?" he softly asked.

"You need to forgive…yourself," I slowly said, leaning my head on his shoulder as I ran my hand up and down his arm. "Please, Eli," I added shakily.

"Clare…" I heard him sigh before he softly said, "It's…hard".

"But you've already done so many more things that are so much harder, Eli. Do you realize how many good things you have done? It's not all bad, Eli," I pointed out. "Time and time again, you saved me and helped me. You need to forgive yourself for everything that happened all that time ago. Maybe we can…work on that together," I gently told him, and as I lifted my head off of his shoulder I saw him slowly nod as he said, "Okay. I really want to," and I kissed him immediately; it was a slow and patient kiss that he responded to at once.

After we had pulled away and I had moved to sit next to him and snuggled into his side he said, "Do you maybe want a study buddy some nights? I know I don't want to be a lawyer, but I think even a professor needs to be able to think logically," he playfully asked.

"Eli, I know this is your summer off; between your undergrad and your Master's," knowing that that's why he was so excited about all of those plans in the first place.

"And we'll still do some of those things. Maybe not all, but some. But…we're a team, Clare. I hate that our study paths are diverging, but…doesn't mean we still can't be partners," he said with a smirk. "And…maybe we can talk to Daniel too, he did this just a year ago and he did really well on the LSAT," Eli pointed out, reminding me of something that I had completely forgotten about. Daniel _had _done really well on the test, and there was a particular type of question that if maybe he explained to me how to do, I would feel a lot better about everything.

"I'd like that," I said with a smile and placed a playful kiss on his cheek. "But I don't want this to ruin your summer," I quickly added.

"It will do no such thing, so don't worry about that," Eli reassured me as he shot me another smirk.

"Do you want to watch our movie now?" I shyly suggested. "Maybe you can tell me again what it's about?".

"We…don't have to, if you have to study," Eli hesitated.

"I have three months, Eli. Right now…just…talking to you, making this plan, I already feel better. I think I was blowing everything a little out of proportion because I was keeping all of this stress in my head," I tried to explain, wondering if I was making any sense.

"I know exactly what you mean," Eli said at once, understanding etched all over his face, and he placed a sweet kiss on my forehead.

"So I want to watch our movie," I said with a smile as I grabbed the DVDs from where Eli had dropped them on the couch during our embrace, and as soon as Eli began telling me a little about the plotline, I couldn't wait to see what would happen.

**Imogen's POV**

"How was helping Clare? I hope she understands things a bit better now," I told Daniel as he came into my apartment. My psychology master's program had an option of starting in June, which I had opted for, so I was still living on campus for the summer while Daniel was renting an apartment nearby – he had gotten a position as a clerk in a law office, so much to my happiness, he had to stay in Toronto for the summer.

"Oh, she totally had the same problem that I had last year when I was studying for that darn test – just stuck on a particular type of problem. As soon as I walked her through an example, she got it _like that_," he said, snapping his fingers. I flashed him a big smile in response before I leaned in for a kiss.

"That's great, baby. I'm glad we can help her too, her and Eli have helped us out a lot," I pointed out between giggles as Daniel picked me up and brought me to the couch with him.

"Uh huh," he said, as he played with the hem of my dress, cheekily pushing it higher and higher.

"Good day at school, baby?" he asked as I had a harder and harder time breathing in response to his touches.

"It was interesting," I replied. "How was work?" I asked.

"Crazy," he said at once, "the firm has a few deadlines approaching, so it's a madhouse," he said, quickly adding with a smile, "But I love it".

"Well, you're going to be living that fast-paced environment when you're a lawyer soon," I pointed out with a giggle, his caresses of my legs driving me even a little more wild.

"Gotta get through law school first, and you have to do your master's and whatever else you want, but after that, we'll be free to do whatever we want," he said as he towered over me and gave me many sweet kisses.

"And what will we want to do?" I asked, wondering if…he was thinking the same thing that I was.

"Well, I was thinking that after both of us are done with school and have worked for maybe a year or so, we'd get married, and then hopefully have a baby. Well, more than one I hope, but we'd start there," he said, a grin playfully appearing on his face as he must have taken in the huge smile on my face.

"You'd want to…marry me? Want me as the mother to your baby?" I shyly asked him.

"I _already _want to marry you, but we gotta get through school first. But once we do, then of course I'd love to marry you, baby. I can't wait for the day when you become my wife. As to you being the mother of my children….nothing would make me happier, sweetheart," Daniel said, and he gave me a sad smile when he saw the tears in my eyes.

"Imogen, honey, I love you. You know that," he gently said, being so patient and perfect with me.

"I know. I just…it's just…I'm so happy," I plainly said, before Daniel leaned in and gave me another kiss.

"Me too, baby. Me too," he declared.

I slowly pushed his hands away from my legs and stood up from the couch, and took his hand and walked us to my bedroom. I could tell that Daniel was a little unsure, so I gently told him, "I…I'm ready. I only want to be with you," and I felt him wrap me in a gentle hug and run his hands through my hair as he whispered, "We…have all the time in the world, baby".

"I know that. But I don't need to wait that long. Trust me, I'm ready," I told him, and he studied my face for a long time, but even Daniel's inquisitive mind couldn't find the smallest shadow of doubt there, and I soon felt him lift my legs and wrap them around his waist as he walked into the bedroom.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Eli's POV**

"Ouch," I accidentally let out as I reached for Clare's LSAT prep book from across the table.

"Are you hurt or something?" she asked me with a concerned look on her face.

"No, don't worry about it, just pulled a muscle when I was lugging in Adam's thousand pound bookcase. Stupid thing gets me every semester, I keep telling him he needs one that is not made of the most ancient, heaviest wood known to mankind," I told her.

"Are you guys all settled in?" she asked.

"Pretty much. It's still a little messy, we have some things to put away but we're almost done," I informed her. "You gotta come over soon and check the apartment out. This place looks great," I added, complementing her and Alli's Annesley apartment – they had opted to stay in the same place but they had bought some new furniture and changed the layout. My new favourite addition was the nice soft couch they got, although something tells me that when Princess Alli is over here, I will be relegated to the love seat. As long as Clare comes over to it with me, I don't even really care.

I held up Clare's score sheet mischievously, both of us being fully aware of the fact that she only really had one question to go. This whole LSAT studying deal turned out to be a lot more fun that I had originally thought it would. After taking some time to get off the ground and with a bit of help from Daniel, Clare was definitely back on top of her game and we were now aiming for an almost perfect score. We had also worked out a system where an improvement in her score record would earn her a kissing break, and that had turned out to be the perfect motivator, if I dare say so myself.

She basically lunged for me and I had to playfully push her away, strictly telling her, "One more question, Edwards, not so fast," and she flashed me that irresistible little pout of hers. It took every ounce of strength in my being to start reading,

_J.J. Thompson, the scientist who discovered the electron and went on to receive the Nobel Prize in physics, trained many physicists, among them seven Nobel Prize winners, thirty-two fellows of the Royal Society of London, and eighty-three professors of physics. This shows that the skills needed for creative research can be taught and learned. _

_Which one of the following is an assumption on which the argument depends?_

_J.J. Thompson was an internationally known physicist, and scientists came from all over the world to work with him. _

_All the scientists trained by J.J. Thompson were renowned for their creative scientific research. _

_At least one of the eminent scientists trained by J.J. Thompson was not a creative researcher before coming to study with him. _

_Creative research in physics requires research habits not necessary for creative research in other fields._

_Scientists who go on to be the most successful researchers often receive their scientific education in classes taught by renowned research scientists. _

"Can I see the option in writing, it's a bit hard to remember them all," Clare said, with that adorable look of concentration on her face that I loved so much.

After a few seconds of silence, she declared, "Assumption…so – it's C. It has to be C," with perfect confidence.

I shot her a smirk at once and said, "Sure is, Edwards" and after I finished saying that, she _definitely_ lunged in my direction and took full advantage of her allotted kissing break…not that I was complaining.

After we had finally pulled away and Clare's face was beet red and I needed a minute to catch my breath, I heard her say,

"Eli…you've really been so fantastic in helping me study for this. You have no idea how much it means to me," and I immediately answered,

"Of course. It's had…its advantages," I playfully answered as Clare was wiping off some of her lip gloss off of my face.

"What time are you picking me up tonight for the fundraiser? Seven-thirty?" she asked.

"Is that okay?" I responded.

"It's perfect. I think that what you and Daniel partnered to work on, Eli – it's amazing. I especially like the name of the campaign," she told me as I flashed her a smirk in response.

"It was really Daniel who came across the need for a fundraiser from one of the international law lawyers at the firm he's working at this summer – and then when he told me about it and said he needed help, I figured it was definitely worth it," I shrugged.

"But I bet you were the one to come up with the name," Clare told me with a smile before she cited, "_Real Men Don't Buy Girls_," the name of the campaign against international child sexual slavery that we had all pulled together to work on.

Canada was one of the major countries involved in the project, and when Daniel had told me about how some monsters literally steal girls and make them prostitute themselves, the problem being worse in some parts of the world than others, and asked me for my help in planning a fundraiser, I knew I had to help. Imogen and Clare and Alli and her now steady boyfriend Chris had all bought tickets to the fundraiser at once, and…it was Daniel's project really, so when he said we should just do a night at the club on campus I couldn't really say no. A little to my surprise, once I told Clare about it, she was all for it and had no problems in accepting my invitation, despite the fact that I knew that she had never been in there before. I hadn't either, but I had been to similar places with my parents when I helped out at events put on by my dad's radio station and those types of places didn't strike me as Clare's scene at once. But…Clare was always constantly surprising me, and she didn't fail to do so this time, either.

"Eli?" I heard her ask shyly.

"Yes?" I encouraged her.

"Tonight…I've never been there, you know," she said, her gaze avoiding mine, so I just put my arm around her and gave her a light squeeze.

"Are you worried?" I asked her.

"No, I'm not," she answered, her voice full of confidence, "I just…I haven't been there before," she repeated.

"Me either," I said, knowing that wasn't really where she was going with everything, but thinking that it might help her regardless, "But it'll be fun, and we don't have to stay a second longer than you want to," I re-assured her.

She gave me a slow grin in response as she said, "Of course it'll be fun. We'll be there together with all of our friends as well. And you'll…protect me, right?" Clare asked with a mischievous smile. I knew her choice of words was intentional, and I felt my heart skip a beat when I realized how wonderfully reassuring she was being.

I gave her a quick kiss before answering, "Of course. I'm your boyfriend," and she shot me a pleased smile as she nodded.

"See you at seven?" I asked her before heading back to my own house for dinner.

"Can't wait," she said before leaning in for a good-bye kiss.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Three hours later, I had thrown on a white dress shirt and a loose black tie, thinking I should look more presentable for the event – Daniel and I actually didn't have anything too crazy to do tonight as the venue was taking care of everything for us, but I thought I should look a bit nicer for the night. Our main goal was to have as many people as possible show up as their admission tickets were the main source of income for the fundraiser, as well a percentage of the drinks everyone would be having. But I wasn't about to go around pushing people to drink, nor was I planning on getting hammered in front of Clare.

I rang Clare's doorbell and she opened the door at once, her outfit causing me to gulp a little. It was very elegant and classy but her little black dress was a bit shorter than she ones she usually opted for, and she had done her eyes in that beautiful smoky way that made them shine so much brighter. She was wearing black pantyhose and really sleek black leather boots that came just above her ankles, and much to my delight, she was wearing her angel necklace, the matching bracelet my parents had given her at Christmas, and a pretty headband was placed in between her extra bouncy curls; it had a dark purple flower on one side.

"Woah. You look…so amazing," I told her as soon as I picked my jaw up off the floor, and she came over to me and pulled on my black tie as she gave me a quick kiss.

"You look very handsome too," she said. Clare then intertwined our hands and we started walking to the club, a suggestion I had made as I knew I'd want to have a beer or two, and Clare didn't seem to mind. It was only a few minutes' walk, all in between the busy flow of students still moving in furniture and panicked freshmen walking around frantically with maps in their hands.

I heard Clare giggle and ask, "Oh God, I hope I never was like that," as we passed by an especially bad group of them.

"What are you talking about? You got the underground tour of U of T from the ultimate expert," I played with her and she rewarded me with another quick kiss.

"You're right," she agreed, letting me emerge victorious this time. "And now here we are, you're all graduated from undergrad, coming here for your Master's and I'm in my last year," she pointed out as I groaned in response.

"Don't remind me, please," I told her, because I hated the uncertainty of what would come for me after my Master's. Three years…where? What would Clare say about _that_?

Just as if she was reading my mind, she asked, "Eli…have you thought about what schools you'll be applying to for your PhD?" with a small shy smile.

"Yeah," I admitted, "If I want any hope of being able to come back to Toronto to teach, there's really not many choices in Canada – I need a school about the same level as U of T. I'm going to talk to Dr. Gifford about being able to stay here, but I highly doubt that that's an option," I said with a small smirk that Clare mirrored, "so that leaves U of Ottawa and…UBC".

"Vancouver's pretty," Clare said, "And…that's the better school, right? Better than Ottawa?" she asked and I nodded in response, bitter that the two best universities in Canada were at opposite ends of the country…a six hour plane ride away.

"Eli, whatever happens with this whole PhD thing…I…I just want the best for you, you know? We'll make it work, I want you to be able to go to UBC calm and confident if that's what has to happen," she said, and I couldn't help but squeeze her hand in return and steal a few kisses as we made our way to the club. She was…just amazing. Perfect and amazing.

We saw that Daniel and Imogen had already arrived and we stood at the door with them for a while, selling the odd ticket here and there. I was pleased to see that a lot of people were making their way out tonight, but the way some of the guys would leer at Clare drove me absolutely insane, and I think she could tell, because after a group of them left the ticket table she moved her chair as close as possible to mine, and after I placed my arm around her shoulder she took my hand with her free one and threw a saucy little wink my way.

Alli and Chris got here pretty soon, Alli wearing an outfit that I knew would result in Chris having to fend off his own number of leery guys tonight, and the last of our friends to arrive were Adam and Lana, and as I looked at a couple of the guys in line glance up at down at Lana's long blonde hair I thought…we'd all be doing our fair share of fending off tonight.

As we all stood and talked at the entrance table, the line eventually made its way in and the club manager told us that he'd take over for us, assuming that there would only be a few people showing up later in the evening.

I felt Clare reach for my hand as we made our way into the dark and loud club, and I had to admit…for a college club, it wasn't bad. It already had the somewhat sticky floors that you'd expect at this point late in the evening and the nasty countertops that are a staple of college bars, but the music was decent and there were a lot of people out. Alli and Chris started dancing right away, and I turned my eyes away because they were _really _going to town and I…sure didn't want to see _that_. Adam took Lana to the bar and I noticed his embarrassment at having to order one of those fruity drinks I knew Lana was so fond of, a scene which I found rather hilarious. Clare was holding onto my hand tightly, but I could tell that she wasn't scared or hesitant or anything of the sort; I knew how much she loved dances, and I guess this was pretty similar.

"Do you want to get something to drink or do you want to go dance?" I asked her, knowing dancing would definitely be on the menu for tonight.

"Let's sit for a while," she shyly said as she took in the scene around her. There were a few…rather adventurous girls who had clearly taken in too many drinks too soon, but other than the frat boys who seemed to accompany them, everyone was pretty much keeping to themselves, and the security guys were keeping an eye on everything from the door.

Clare led me to the bar and I placed my hand on her lower back as I asked, "What can I get you? Alcohol or no alcohol?" having seen Clare have the odd glass of wine at special dinners with her parents sometimes.

I saw her scan all the bottles along the wall of the bar, and she did look a little intimidated as I said, "I can help you figure it out, don't worry, no rush," knowing she wouldn't be too familiar with the names of many drinks.

I stepped behind her and placed my arms on either side of her as she leaned onto the bar and she tipped her head back and channelled her voice into my ear as she said, "Oh, Eli, I don't know, I don't have any idea, you can just pick," and when I threw a mischievous look her way, she quickly slapped my shoulder and yelled, "_Don't _give me alcohol poisoning".

"I would do no such thing," I replied, shaking my head at her joke.

I leaned in closer so she could hear me above the loud music and said, "I think you'd like a crantini, it has cranberry juice and vodka," knowing Clare's preference for berry-flavoured drinks.

"That sounds good," she said with a smile and I asked the bartender for one while getting a beer for myself. After she handed me the drinks, I guided Clare over to one of the sitting areas, knowing it would be best to not overwhelm her.

I watched her take a sip of her drink and she gave me a small smile soon, telling me,

"Oh, I like it. It tastes good," and I flashed her a smirk in response as I began sipping my beer.

We spent a nice time on our own, Clare moving over to my lap pretty soon as I took a deep breath and she whispered reassuring things in my ear about how well the event was going. Not too long afterwards, Adam and Lana and Daniel and Imogen joined us. Daniel and I fist-bumped once he told me that so far we had raised five hundred dollars – our goal was to get to eight hundred tonight, and I thought we could make it. I was a little surprised to hear Clare ask me for a second drink, but I was just happy she was having a good time, so I brought her one right away.

"Let's go dance," I heard Clare whisper in my ear after a while, and she quickly pulled me away to a free spot of the dance floor, and she turned her back to me and drew our bodies closer together, moving my hands to her hips, intertwining our fingers and swaying us to the rhythm of the music. I…had actually never danced with a girl like this before; Clare and I hadn't been out to a club before, and Julia and I certainly hadn't either, we were way too young for that. I was starting to wonder if…maybe Clare had done this before…once I saw how comfortable she was with it – had Jake taken her out clubbing? That thought and the accompanying visual made my blood boil, and I just had to know, so I leaned into her ear and whispered,

"Edwards, have you done this before? Dancing like this?" and I saw her turn around with a small smirk. She locked her hands behind my neck, and placed one of her legs between mine as my hands moved to her waist and she kept up the rhythm to the music as she leaned in and whispered in my ear,

"No, Eli," pulling away a little so she could lock gazes with my own as she added, "It's my first time…with you," with such a wry little smile on her face that I _just knew_ that she had chosen that particular phrasing just to tease me, so I pulled her even closer and captured her lips, feeling her gasp into the kiss at first. I was a little surprised to see how long she kept it going, moving her hands to my hair – the club was pretty dark so I knew we weren't exactly putting on a show for everyone, but…she was still being pretty adventurous with me.

As she slowly pulled away and I felt my body shiver a bit, I narrowed my eyes at her and shook my head as she giggled innocently. She turned her back to me again, pulling our bodies closer as my hands returned to her hips and I just enjoyed being like this with her, letting the worries of me maybe having to leave town for so long escape me.

We kept dancing for a few more songs, and then Clare asked if we could go get another drink, saying she was really thirsty.

"Water?" I suggested when we were at the bar, being what I opted for, because it was hot as hell in this place, but Clare said,

"I was thinking another crantini," and even if I was a little surprised, I obliged. We sat down as she had her drink, and I loved that she opted to sit on my lap again, but the way she was running her hands up and down my chest was driving me insane, giving me a much needed break when she went to the washroom. I grabbed her drink so I could hold it in my hand to make sure no creep would come by and try to slip something in it, and I decided to have a tiny sip of it, never actually having had one of these things…in my mind, they were more a drink for the girls.

But…damn, it was…pretty strong. My mom had these all the time – but it…didn't exactly taste right; the alcohol was so potent. It didn't taste the way I thought a crantini would taste, and I began to panic a little when Clare didn't return from the washroom quickly. I pulled Lana away from Adam and asked her to go look for Clare, and much to my relief both girls came out talking and laughing.

"Silly Eli, don't worry so much," I heard Clare say with a giggle, and…in that moment, I knew she was definitely buzzed. But from three fruity drinks? I knew her tolerance probably wouldn't be high as she wasn't used to drinking….but I kept having this feeling that something was off here.

"What's up, Eli?" I heard Lana ask, and I could tell that unlike my slightly giggly girlfriend, she was perfectly sober and had picked up on my distress.

"Clare's drink…it doesn't taste right," I told Lana over all the noise.

"_You're_ the expert on crantinis?" she asked with a frown, before adding, "Let me try it".

"I don't want you to, just in case something's wrong," I pointed out, but Lana had already snatched it out of my hand and she just shook her head at me nonchalantly before she took a sip of it and nodded her head.

"Relax, Eli, nothing's wrong with it – but that's a double if I've ever tasted one," Lana said, puckering her lips, and I sighed in relief and understanding. At least there was nothing more serious going on here. But…

"I never ordered her a double," I told Lana in confusion and she pointed to a board in response.

"Look – it's the special for Friday nights; they probably just assumed that's what you meant," she explained, and I knew she was right…but I kind of felt a little guilty. I didn't want Clare to think that I was trying to get her wasted.

"It's okay, Eli, she's not passing out and puking everywhere," Lana tried to reassure me, before Adam came over and took her out onto the dance floor again.

I held onto Clare a bit tighter as she said, "More dancing?" and I wasn't so sure if that was such a good idea, but she seemed fine so we made our way into the floor, and pretty soon, she was resting her head on my shoulder so I told Daniel I'd be leaving early, knowing that it really didn't matter as we had no clean-up duties or anything like that.

"We're going home now?" Clare asked me once we were out of the club, and I replied,

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired. Are you?" I answered, and she giggled again before she said,

"Can I go home with you, Eli?" and I replied, "Yes," because I didn't think her spending tonight alone was such a great idea. We hadn't slept over at each other's apartments very many times, but it had been enough times that I knew perfectly sober Clare would be okay with this.

"Let's go, come on," I gently guided her as she began to walk away from me, and I quickly caught up with her and placed my arm around her shoulder as I led her back to my residence. To make things easier, I just picked her up after opening the door and placed her on my bed right away, taking just her boots off. I thought about changing her out of her dress so she could be more comfortable, but I decided against it…thinking of the visual of Clare waking up tomorrow morning in my bed in my clothes; I was pretty sure she'd have a heart attack.

"Okay, here we go, Clare," I softly told her as I tucked her in, and I quickly slid my jeans off and traded my white dress shirt for an old Dead Hand T-shirt that I always wore to bed, Clare giggling and trying to reach for me the entire time.

"Time for bed, sweetheart," I gently told her as I got in next to her, keeping some space between us because these circumstances were a bit odd. I brushed her curls out of her face and placed them neatly behind her ear, thinking that was likely to help her sleep better, but her striking blue eyes were wide open and she was staring right at me. I heard her let out another series of giggles and then she burst out, "Eli…is this - is this our wedding night? Tonight?" making me widen my eyes in shock and stutter out,

"N-no. It's most definitely _not_ that. It's just sleep time," I told her, moving her hands away from my waistband…what she was trying to do was a bad idea.

"I-I want to take my dress off," she said, tangling up all the bed sheets as she was attempting to do that, and I thought that it was just bothering her and everything was innocent enough so I stood up to help her, taking forever to find the zipper on the thing. They made them on the side? I slowly pulled it off and gulped at the sight of her in just her underwear and pantyhose, and she was trying to get her pantyhose off, but…she was having trouble with the straps connecting them to her lacy underwear, so I took a deep breath and slowly slid them off, this being almost a little more than I could take. I angrily muttered,

"If there's a God somewhere after all – you freaking owe me one," and I heard Clare giggle in response before shaking her curls and saying,

"Eli, of course there's a God. But he wants us to make babies," she got out, and I couldn't help but widen my eyes and laugh out loud at the things she was saying.

"What do you mean?" I asked, not sure if I would ever get a response.

"That's the point of wedding night silly," and when I heard her still going on about that, I quickly walked over to my closet and pulled out an extra black shirt for her while muttering a few profanities. This was pretty damn funny, and she'd never hear the end of it – that much I knew right now, but…I'm not about to make babies with her right now, it that's where she's going with this.

When I turned around I saw her arms reaching for her back and I gasped when I realized what she was trying to do, and I rushed over to my bed and gently moved her arms away quickly, saying,

"Clare. You've had a few drinks, but you're not drunk. _Don't _take that off. We're not supposed to do that yet, you don't want us to…take everything off yet," I tried to explain, and I saw her frown at me, but I slipped the shirt on over her head quickly, and took another gulp when I saw that after putting on the shirt she took off her bra anyway, but at least it was done in that private way. Pretty sure sober Clare wouldn't be impressed if I had let her do it without a shirt on.

"Okay, time for bed," I told her as I laid out her clothing neatly on my desk chair, making a note that I would _definitely _have to be the first one of us to wake up tomorrow morning so I could explain all of this.

I tucked her in again, and this time I was ecstatic to see her finally snuggle into me as I fixed the blanket on top of our bodies and then she muttered something about how I was bad at 'wedding night duties', which I really should have been offended by. I couldn't believe my ears!

I was most certainly _not _bad at wedding night duties, and…the things we had done by now should have given her a hint about that, so that'd better be the alcohol talking. Clare was gone in about two minutes, and after taking a deep breath and sending Alli a text saying she was just sleeping over, and another one for Adam saying she was here so he should be quiet in the morning, I finally closed my own eyes and let sleep overtake me.

**Clare's POV**

What is that noise? Who begins a construction project at…_what, where is my clock?_ I opened my eyes a bit wider and I realized that the alarm clock wasn't the only thing out of place here…_everything _was. This was not my apartment, and I had never been in this apartment at all before! I don't recognize the view out of that window…Oh my God, the going out last night…where had I ended up? Where was Eli? He must be _so hurt_ if this happened to me…he'd never let me end up in some random apartment, I thought in a panic, standing up quickly only to realize that….

….Oh my God, I'm not wearing any pants…I'm not wearing any pants. There's a body in the bed next to me, a guy's body…all covered by the sheets. How did this happen to me? Where's Eli? I could feel tears stinging my eyes at the thoughts of what must have happened to him…he could be…dead…Eli would only let something like this happen to me over his dead body, I thought as I choked on a painful sob and I saw the guy in the bed stir. I have to get out of here! This guy…hurt me, he brought me here, and he _definitely_ hurt Eli…

"Clare?" I heard a raspy voice ask from under the covers, and opened my mouth in shock – he knew my name? I began to run away as I saw the covers lift up, and then I heard,

"Clare! It's okay, nothing happened!" and I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I recognized the voice and turned around and saw that…it was Eli under the covers. I breathed in the shirt covering my body and I realized that it was his scent…and of course I didn't recognize this apartment…he had just moved into the graduate student residences and I hadn't even visited yet. I saw him rub his eyes sleepily and I ran into his arms at once, holding him tightly and whispering,

"I'm so glad you're okay," as he looked at me with an astonished look on his face.

"Umm…thanks?" he replied, "But I'm not the one that had one too many double crantinis last night," and that word did bring…a certain taste to my mouth.

"I'm just glad you're okay," I repeated, holding him tighter, and I felt him hug me back gently before he pulled me out of the embrace and just softly said,

"Clare, of course I'm okay – why wouldn't I be?" and I knew I had to clarify things for him, but…it was all a little embarrassing, so I felt my cheeks blush furiously as I said,

"Eli…when I woke up – I've never been in this apartment before and I didn't recognize it," I told him as a look of regret crossed his face and he apologized immediately, but I reassured him it was not his fault as I continued,

"So then…I remembered that we had gone out last night, so I thought…something bad had happened to me and I ended up in a random apartment," and I felt Eli hug me as tightly as he ever had, gritting out,

"I would _never _let that happen to you," and I placed a gentle kiss on his cheek as I said,

"I know. So then…I was really worried," I said, and I felt a little ridiculous when I felt myself tear up as I explained, "So then I thought…I thought something really bad must have happened to you, you see, if I ended up here…like, you had –" I tried to continue, but I couldn't as I burrowed my face in Eli's neck and I felt him rock my gently as he said,

"Hey, hey, shh, shh. It's all right. It's okay – I'm all right, here. Nothing bad happened to either of us. I'm your boyfriend, I'm going to return you safe from a night out, no matter what. What happened was that I ordered crantinis for you last night, and they were on special on Friday nights – but as doubles, so you were drinking drinks twice as strong as what I thought, and…you just got a bit buzzed really fast," he explained, and I was grateful he didn't use the word drunk. I had…gotten…buzzed – it at least sounded just a bit better.

Eli continued, "I swear, Clare, I had no idea they were doubles. I wasn't trying to do this to you on purpose," he said, looking so nervous that I just had to give him another kiss to calm him down.

"I believe you, Eli," I told him, locking my gaze with his and I saw him let out a relieved breath as he said, "Thank you".

"Ugh – now I have to do the walk of shame," I whispered incredulously, my cheeks blazing.

"Um, hate to break to you, but what you're doing is not a walk of shame. Nothing happened," he shrugged. "Nothing. Not even kissing in this bed, I promise you," he told me, his voice laced with honesty and concern as I rubbed my head, foggy memories returning. But…if nothing had happened, then how…

"Eli…I…I don't have a bra on," I pointed out. "Not to mention I'm not wearing my dress," and I saw him get up and turn his office chair around, my outfit from last night neatly laid out there.

"Um, that was something _you_ insisted on," he said, and he proceeded to explain what I had done last night, pulling me into an embrace as my face got redder and redder. When he had finished, I hung on to him a bit tighter as I whispered,

"Eli…you're amazing, you know that, right?" and he smugly said, "Just amazing?" as I shook my head at him playfully.

"You're my Eli," I whispered before I gave him a slow kiss that left him happily smirking as I stole a pair of athletic shorts and a different shirt, not wanting to wear my dress back to Annesley. I grabbed my clothes off the chair and changed in the bathroom, a little embarrassed after everything, and when I came back out I found Eli making breakfast in his small kitchenette, and he told me that Adam had spent the last night with Lana, explaining his absence.

"You take such good care of me," I sighed as we were eating breakfast, and I saw Eli slowly put his fork and knife down, and painfully swallow a drink of water before he got a small smirk on his face and said,

"Well, apparently, according to you, there's just one thing I'm not so good at," and I had no idea what sort of thing he meant, so I just asked him,

"What do you mean?" as I took a sip of the berry juice he had poured me.

"According to you, Clare Edwards, I'm not good at…'wedding night duties,'" he answered, employing air quotation signs, and the minute he said that, all the memories of last night flashed through my mind, and I completely sprayed him with the berry juice that escaped my mouth.

"Aaaaand…thanks for that as well, Edwards," he said, closing his eyes and scrunching up his face before I walked over to him quickly and cleaned his face with a napkin.

"Oh my God, Eli, I'm so sorry," I told him, but he started laughing right away, and I couldn't help but join him, and we got the mess cleaned up pretty rapidly.

As soon as all the dishes were put away, I felt him wrap his arms around me as he huskily whispered,

"So…been hiding out your real opinion all this time, eh? Because…from what we've done so far…it sure didn't _sound _like you thought I was bad at 'wedding night duties," he mischievously said as I felt my cheeks flush.

"I didn't mean that, Eli, trust me," I honestly told him, and his playful smirk told me there was nothing to be worried about as he said,

"Maybe…you just need a little reminder," he cheekily said, and I felt him raise me onto the counter and place a few kisses on my chest, my regular breathing pattern escaping me at once.

"Just no actual wedding night activities," I shot back, "Not…yet," as I couldn't control my giggles as he carried me back to his bedroom.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Eli's POV**

I was nervously sitting in Dr. Gifford's office, waiting to hear his opinion on my future plans. I had already not-so-casually suggested to him that I really wanted to stay at U of T, complimenting the excellent English department here, making sure to point out Dr. Gifford's own excellent research – after all after working for him for all these summers, I was obviously one of the people most familiar with it.

"Well, Eli, my suggestion is to apply to U of T regardless – very few times, there is an exception being made – when members of the faculty feel that the department would benefit from having the student stay here. I myself will be going on sabbatical to England next year," he said, sharing a piece of information with me that left me shell shocked. I was kind of hoping for him to…root for me to stay here to the other profs; he had just become Department Head and I knew they were quite likely to listen to him. But now…now I basically had no shot. Ottawa or Vancouver, here I come. For three miserable years.

"Now don't look so glum, Eli, just because I'm on sabbatical doesn't mean I don't get a say in all of this," Dr. Gifford said with a chuckle, which made me feel a little better, but really just kind of left me wondering how he could laugh at a time like this.

"Apply, Eli, all right? Just apply. Give it a go, son, and we'll see what happens," he said, and after thanking him profusely and taking my goodbyes, I made my way through the freezing Toronto February air to Bulldog Coffee, where I saw my girl waiting for me patiently.

As soon as my gaze locked with hers, she waved a huge U of T envelope around and ran into my open arms. I knew what was in that envelope, and after her killer LSAT score, I wasn't the least bit surprised to see it on her hands.

"I love you. Congratulations, counsellor Edwards," I whispered in her ear and she leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss.

"Couldn't have done it without you," she breathed as she pulled away. "What did Dr. Gifford say?" I heard her ask impatiently.

"That he's ditching U of T for England next year," I blurted out.

"What? Really? Why?" I heard her ask, surprise and worry in her voice.

"Going on sabbatical," I sighed, as I took a seat and shook my head bitterly at that cruel twist of fate.

I saw Clare's face fall at once and I felt bad for ruining what was one of the most joyous days of her life, so I just quickly added, "Told me to apply anyway, says he still gets a say, but if it was a long shot before, Clare, now…it's almost next to impossible," I confessed, not wanting to get either of our hopes up.

"You don't know that. How can you know that? Please, Eli, apply," she said urgently.

"Of course I will," I responded immediately. "But…enough about that. Let's go out for dinner tonight, celebrate your amazing news. I'm so proud of you, Clare," I emphatically told her as she let out another excited squeal and moved over to my lap so we could share a piece of cheesecake easier.

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review.**


	39. Fields of Gold

**Hi lovely readers, **

**My brain is a flurry of thoughts right now. It has been incredibly difficult to write this after all the promos. We only have two chapters left though. **

**OKAY. So I'm going to go on a massive Degrassi rant below, inspired by the promos. IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THEM AND WANT NO SPOILERS, MOVE ON TO THE STORY.**

**If you have…here is what makes me incredibly upset. **

**Clare. She is getting on my nerves. I'm not saying she should have stayed with him. She didn't seem to love him anymore, so there is no reason for her to stay. BUT to yell at him after erasing him from her memory is so incredibly hypocritical. She is the one who erased him with a ten minute walk and a dance. To condescendingly glare at him and tell him 'you need help, Eli' is so incredibly not only insensitive, but mean-spirited. It disappoints me that she seems to completely disregard the fact that a lot of Eli's issues were precipitated by HER and her behaviour. She pushed him a lot and was really mean and ungrateful to him many times. Demonizing him and pretending she is perfect and she has done nothing wrong and that she is superior to everyone else does not make her very sympathetic to me. But more than anything, I wish she would just LEAVE HIM ALONE NOW. He has the right to cope however he wants. She runs to Jake very very soon, so…just leave Eli alone now. She broke up with him, it's time to let Eli heal as well. Not to shoot him little glares and play with his mind like that. He might have played with her mind, but she did the same to him with all that Fitz stuff. She broke up with him, now he needs his space as well. Just leave him alone. As for Jake, he seems nice enough. Hope Clare doesn't break his heart. **

**Eli. He is getting lost and I hope he doesn't lean on Imogen for help. The little smirk he gave Clare when Imogen asserted how much she wants to help me worries me. **

**Imogen. Oh dear, this looks bad. Very bad. She needs to understand that people aren't toys. I know Eli is broody and mysterious and what her 'boring' life might need, but he is also vulnerable and I think she will definitely use that to her advantage. I do hope she has some interactions with Clare though, because I feel like Imogen could tell her a few things she needs to hear. **

**That thing about Jake needing to protect Clare from Eli – this scares me a lot. A lot a lot. It makes me think that it's the perfect 'out' for the writers to escape the EClare reunion – reveal that he really is very dangerous and we have been reading him wrong all this time. Some of you have asked me if I will continue to write EClare stories after I finish – I really feel that I CANNOT until this issue is resolved. The fact that Jake perceives Clare is in danger around Eli scares me to my very core. It's making me think that perhaps I have read Eli wrong all this time, and that thought destroyes me. Part of me hopes the actor was referring to the scene where Clare is yelling at Eli and Jake pulls her away, but I am scared it's something worse than that. With that haunting my mind, I don't think I can write until I get an answer on it. Also, I wrote a lot of this story when I was on vacation. Now I'm back to work and just have a lot less free time. **

**So, yes, I am mad. Very much so. The more crap they throw Eli and Clare's way, the more it lessens their love. Putting them back together after all this might be what they know will make fans happy, but it won't make me happy if they are these altered, tortured versions of what they used to be. **

**On that note, I'm trying really hard to finish my stories. It's just incredibly hard. I'm not so sure Clare deserves Eli anymore. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

**Clare's POV**

"Ready to go?" I heard Eli ask as he grabbed the bag I had left by the door. We were just about to leave his house after we had both returned home after finals yesterday to finally visit his new baby cousin Mia, who was six months old now. Cece had been to visit her sister and help her – this was her first baby – a number of times, which caused a few sarcastic comments to come from Eli about how his mom would find any excuse to head to Hamilton to look after the baby girl she never had.

Cece would laugh his comments off as Eli would just smirk at his mom and shake his head humorously, which made me wonder if she had ever told him what she had told me that night that she brushed my hair about how she had always wanted a daughter after she had had Eli but her doctors had advised her against having another child. I was pretty sure Eli knew and hence his teasing his mom, and whenever I saw those interactions, I couldn't control my giggles.

"Yeah, let's go," I answered, and ten minutes later we had arrived at Adam's house and after Eli sent him a text, Adam and Lana came out of his house, both smiling and obviously excited for our road trip.

"Hey guys," Adam said as he reached over to the front seat and Eli and him bumped fists.

"Are we there yet?" he shot playfully, which caused Eli to turn around at once and tell him,

"Adam, if you throw _any_ of those my way I swear I'll stop this car and drop you off on the side of the highway," as Lana giggled in response and gave Adam a small kiss.

"Relax, I was just kidding," Adam later responded with a roll of his eyes.

"It should only be about an hour and half or so," Eli said, scanning the incoming traffic and pulling onto the 401. Once he had made the seamless adjustment to the increased speed of the highway, I saw him take one hand of the steering wheel and he intertwined it with my free hand and we rested them in the divider in between our seats.

"So how old is the baby again?" Lana asked as I could see that she had started braiding in her hair in the backseat.

"Mia's six months," Eli answered with a small smirk.

"So is that old enough to listen to punk rock and wear all black?" Adam asked with a laugh.

"She's not _my _baby," Eli answered with a chuckle as I felt my cheeks blush at once upon hearing those words coming out of this mouth. I had seen Eli with Scotty and Dylan time and time again and he was so great with them and cared about them immensely; but with a baby…I had never seen him with a baby, and I wondered what his reactions would be.

I heard Adam whisper something to Lana in the backseat and she giggled madly in response as Eli shot them a glare in the rear-view mirror and just rolled his eyes at me as I heard a song I liked come on and I turned the music up a bit.

"Clare, you like this stuff?" I heard Adam ask me incredulously.

"I saw them in concert, Adam, I'm a die-hard fan," I responded as I felt Eli give my hand a squeeze and he flashed me a proud smirk.

"Of course, everything about you just _screams _hard-core AC/DC fan," Adam played with me, and I heard Eli respond,

"The girl does have a point, Adam – she recognized the song, she's heard it played live…while…you missed out on that show," and it was now my turn to give his hand a squeeze.

"Ugh, that's because my mom insisted that Drew and I visit our grandmother that weekend. But don't you worry, Eli, I fully expect you to hook me up with tickets via your dad the next time they come to town," Adam insisted.

"I wouldn't hold my breath, they're getting so old, it's pretty unpredictable if they will do many other tours," Eli responded.

"One is _never _too old to rock," Adam said at once, and both boys laughed.

"So…Eli…are we the–" Adam followed up, but the look Eli gave him made him quiet at once and it was now Lana and I that ended up laughing together at the boys' interaction.

About one hour and a half later, just as Eli had predicted, we pulled up in front of a small but lovingly decorated house with many flowers in the garden, and as we got out a woman who really resembled Cece immediately got up from the chair on the front porch…holding a tiny pink bundle and joyously saying,

"Oh, Eli! You're all finally here! I'm so excited!"

Her clear enthusiasm reminded me more of Cece even than her looks, and Eli threw her a wide smirk and said,

"Hey Aunt Linda. This is my girlfriend, Clare," he said, getting one arm around my back as I politely greeted his aunt, and then he added, "And this is my good friend Adam and his girlfriend Lana," and his aunt smiled widely at all of as she said,

"I know who you all are, silly, Cece keeps telling me about what a great girl Clare is," she said as she smiled my way and I felt my already pronounced blush deepen. Eli's aunt continued, "and I have heard so much about Adam and Lana as well," and I saw both of them return her large smile with a smaller one of their own.

After telling us to call her Linda, Eli's aunt softly said, "Well, bring your things in – my husband hasn't returned from work yet, he will be here just in time for dinner from the bank that he works at, but let's get you all settled into your rooms and then you can all get to know the baby of course," she indicated. The tiny Mia was so small and so deeply buried in her soft pink blanket that she really wasn't visible to us at this point, but Eli's aunt assured us that she wouldn't be sleepy for a long time.

"So, I have two spare rooms ready upstairs," she told us in the hallway, "and…feel free to arrange yourselves in whatever fashion you find most comfortable," she said in a relaxed tone. Eli had told me ahead of time that this is probably what she would say, and we had all previously agreed to split among gender lines, just to make Linda more comfortable with having us in her home.

I heard Eli speak up, "Adam and I are going to take one room and the girls will be in the other, Aunt Linda," and she gave us a smile in response and said,

"Very well then. Feel free to get settled in and then come downstairs, you guys must be hungry, I'll get us some lunch," Eli's aunt warmly said, and we all followed her instructions.

Lana let me have the bed by the window and we both got our things organized in the bathroom, talking about how glad we both were to be out of school for Christmas break.

"Is your grad program a lot harder than undergrad?" I asked her as I ran a brush through my hair, setting my curls uniformly.

"It's a different style for sure, and it requires a bit more focus, but it's not all that different. Don't be nervous about law school, Clare," she responded, being able to read my worries at once – Lana was extremely good at doing this with anyone, I had quickly come to learn. Eli had told me that when they first became English partners, a thought that made me sad to this day as…I couldn't help but regret the fact that he had felt the need to ask Mrs. Dawes for a new partner because he thought I would be uncomfortable around him as if he was some type of monster, he had noticed this right away and it was one of the most significant factors that led to his idea that maybe she would be good for Adam. And five and a half years later…it had turned out Eli's instinct had been very correct indeed.

"I'm a little nervous," I admitted.

"About Eli maybe leaving too?" she asked, amazing me with her uncanny ability to almost read my mind all over again.

"Yeah, about that too," I sadly said, with a soft nod.

"Clare…Eli loves you. It's the real deal," she slowly told me, staring me directly in the eyes – her green eyes were so incredibly striking. Lana continued, "I think…the reason he's so determined to do this whole PhD thing is…for the future, you know. To be…worthy of you," she slowly said.

"He's already so much more than worthy of me. He doesn't have to prove anything to me," I insisted.

"I don't think it's about proving anything to you; it's more about proving something to himself. Just the way I see him thinking, you know? Eli…I think he's still very regretful that he put you through all of that intense stuff; and I know it was so long ago, and Adam and I have talked about it lots and I just think…I think Eli will always be a bit scared of never being that way again," she said, and I nodded in response.

Lana added, "I think he feels he lost you because he couldn't get a grip on himself and it'll be something he'll always regret. And…I don't think there's anything terribly wrong with that. What happened…it changed Eli, and something like that will change a person; of course it will. We can't expect it not to. I just think…he's tried so hard to change himself, to get better - and he did. But he's still ashamed that it happened in the first place," she pointed out.

"I know. I know he feels really bad about the past. But he wasn't the only one to do wrong things. We both did," I told her.

"I'm just saying…you guys can get through anything. Even Eli leaving for three years – it's not like it will be one long stretch of three years; it will be four month semesters at a time; he'll be home for summer and for holidays. You just might need to…reassure him," Lana gently pointed out.

"I know. I know," I softly said.

"Are you scared of getting through the stress of law school without him? I mean, if there's one thing that I know Eli is amazing at, is…that he really stands by the people he loves," Lana said with a soft smile.

"I'm going to miss him so much; every single day," I said, feeling a wave of sadness overtake me, "but…it's what's gotta be," I resolutely said, trying to get a grip on myself.

"But isn't there still a chance that he could stay at U of T?" Lana asked.

"A small one," I said with a shrug. "A really small one; so small that I know Eli doesn't even like to talk about it too much – he doesn't want to get his hopes up," I told her.

"Well, let's just see what happens," Lana rationally pointed out.

We headed down for lunch shortly after, and Eli's aunt had explained to us that she had put the baby down to sleep, but just as we were finishing up and the boys were doing the dishes while Lana and I were putting them away, we saw Eli's aunt walk in with the tiniest, most adorable little girl I had ever laid eyes on. She had blonde hair – just like Eli's aunt and his mom – and the most striking green eyes.

"Ouch – she's gonna be a heartbreaker," Lana pointed out with a smile after her and I just about died of cuteness and squealed out compliments to Eli's aunt as the boys rolled their eyes in our direction.

"She's really beautiful," Eli's aunt said with a soft smile. "Eli…come hold your cousin," she then said, and I saw Eli give her a small smirk as he said,

"All right, but I've never held a baby before," the slightest look of hesitation on his face as his aunt responded, "Don't be silly, it's not rocket science – just make sure you support her head," she told him, and she quickly transferred little Mia to Eli's outstretched arms.

I might have seen him with Dylan and Scotty – and when Scotty was younger and we'd have to cross through parking lots, Eli would always lift him up in his arms – and I always thought that the way Eli treated Scotty then, or the children in the book club when he worked at Chapters was the most gentle thing I had ever seen. However, it was nothing compared to the way in which he protectively positioned Mia in the inside cradle of his arm, taking care to support her head just as his aunt had told him to do, and when the baby let out the softest of coos, Eli didn't panic or look worried at all; he just rocked her a bit, keeping his green eyes on hers the entire time, a sight that made my heart melt.

"She's so precious," I heard him whisper, and it sounded more like a comment to himself than to any of us in the room.

Mia's gaze was locked with his as he walked around with her a little, rocking her just the slightest bit until her coos turned to giggles and Eli got a huge smirk on his face at his triumphant first moment with the baby. She looked really comfortable with him, and…really protected and at rest in his arms. I knew that my cheeks were blushing and I had a perma-smile on my face for the entire time that Eli held her, until I heard Adam say,

"Dude, stop hogging the baby, I want to hold her too," and Eli's aunt laughed in response, but she gave Adam a soft look as she said,

"I…would like it if…Clare would hold her next, you'll get your turn," and Adam looked a bit embarrassed as he agreed immediately.

"Come over here, Edwards," Eli said, and I walked over to the window in front of which he had ended up in his travels with Mia. Eli flashed me a wide smirk as he gently prepared to pass me the baby, the softness of her blanket matching her perfect angelic little face. I held my arms in the same cradling position that I had seen Eli position his in and he slowly and gently placed her in them as Mia cooed a little, and Eli locked his gaze with mine as his face softened.

"Look at her tiny fingers," he said, almost in a whisper, and I had to admit they looked like the most fragile things I had ever seen.

"And tiny toes," I pointed out, and Eli inspected them as his smirk got larger and our eyes met again, and I could feel my entire face flaming.

I settled Mia into my arms a bit better and sat down on one of the chairs in the kitchen with her until I passed her over to a very impatient Adam, and after a slight period of almost-crying, she quickly took to Adam, who then passed her over to Lana. It was clear as day that Lana absolutely adored babies; the rest of us had been a little shell shocked and really quiet while holding Mia, but Lana immediately had no inhibitions; she was talking to Mia and bouncing her a little even, and the baby let out tiny delighted noises in Lana's arms before she was safely returned to her mother.

Adam was staring at Lana the entire time she held the baby, and as soon as I watched him leave abruptly and saw Eli rush after him at once, I…had a feeling I knew what this was about, and the regretful look on Eli's aunt's face told me she also had caught on. However, she quickly tried to change the conversation subject and began talking to Lana and me about our education plans while we heard a porch door slam.

**Eli's POV**

"Listen, Adam, I never meant to bring you here to make you feel…." I stumbled, kicking myself mentally for being such an idiot. When I had mentioned to Adam and Lana last week while we were having dinner in the Opus dining hall with Clare that we would be heading off to see my cousin, Lana had jumped at the chance to come with us at once and so had Adam…but I don't think things really registered for any of us until we saw Lana holding Mia…or in my case, until I saw the look on Adam's face when Lana was holding Mia.

"It's not your fault, Eli," Adam sighed, "nor Mia's nor your aunt's. I wanted to come, I really did…sorry, I'm being really immature," he stumbled.

"No, you're not," I determinedly told him. "Adam, just because you're missing some parts…it doesn't mean you can't ever have a baby," I tried to gently point out.

"That's actually _exactly _what it means, Eli, I don't think you need me to draw you a diagram," he told me with a glare. "You and Clare could have a baby any day – and it would look like you and her, sound like you and her, act like you and her –" he was running off.

"We're not having a baby, Adam, come on, we're not even out of college yet," I said, wanting him to get off the visual of everyone having babies but him.

"But you _could_. If you wanted to. And one day…you will, just watch," he sadly said, his gaze not meeting mine.

"Adam," I sighed, feeling horrible about this whole thing now.

"No, it's fine, Eli, don't worry about it. Let's go…back in, help your aunt make dinner or something," he suggested, but I had another idea instead.

"Why don't we just go for a drive instead? You've missed out on the riveting downtown Hamilton all of your life, and I believe it is my duty to correct that," I told him with a smirk. I was happy to see Adam give me a small smile in return…but I knew a drive couldn't calm down all the wild thoughts running through his mind in this moment.

**Lana's POV**

"When are they coming back?" I nervously asked Clare – she had been texting Eli for a while now.

"Just getting in the car right now, Eli says it shouldn't be longer than twenty minutes," she told me with a small smile.

"Let's go help Eli's aunt set the table," I told Clare, and she set down the book she was half-reading and we headed downstairs, where we saw Eli's aunt put Mia into the bouncing baby holder as she was pulling out a set of plates from a cupboard.

"Hi, girls, come on in," she warmly told us, and she then moved to turn the radio on. I saw Clare smile in my direction as we both realized that Eli's aunt's taste in music was the same as his parents'.

We helped her set the table, and then we heard the front door open, and I didn't even think to excuse myself before I almost ran out of the kitchen towards the front door, wanting to give Adam a hug and a kiss at once, but…I don't think that the much older gentleman who I found myself face to face with would have appreciated that action on my part.

"Oh, hi," he said, obviously surprised to have me run at him in what I knew by now was his own home, "You must be Eli's girlfriend," he continued, and this time I was the one to widen my eyes and I shook my head at once. That thought was like…siblings dating.

"I'm Eli's _friend,_ his girlfriend Clare is in the kitchen," I quickly clarified, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else – you see Eli and my boyfriend Adam just stepped out for a drive, and I thought you were them," I awkwardly explained.

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's right – Linda said he was bringing two other friends as well; my apologies – not getting much sleep these days," Eli's uncle said, and the huge bags under his eyes were a testament to that.

"Please don't apologize, I'm the one that barged in here – my name is Lana," I added, and he shook my hand and informed me that his name was Ben.

"Everyone is in the kitchen," I awkwardly said, leading the way back into that room. Eli's uncle then met Eli's real girlfriend, Clare's cheeks a little pink the entire time, of course, and immediately after he went over to Mia and played with her for a long time, the little girl obviously delighted to see her daddy. Eli's uncle then went upstairs and when he had returned he had changed out of his formal work clothes, and coming in just behind him were Eli and Adam, Eli's uncle and Eli talking passionately about how horrible the traffic light layout was in downtown Hamilton.

As soon as their conversation ended, I discreetly asked Adam if we could talk outside and he agreed with a sad smile. I didn't care if this was being rude – although I was pretty sure it wasn't, things didn't look ready for dinner yet – but I knew I couldn't let the thoughts that were running through Adam's mind carry on like a tornado in there. I knew how that could lead anyone to a bad space.

I brought Adam up to the room that Clare and I were sharing, and I took his hand and gently guided him to sit down on the bed across from my own, and he did so, but he was refusing to meet my gaze. I decided to start off on a pretty neutral note, so I just asked him,

"How was your drive with Eli?"

"It was good. It's always nice when we hang out, but now with him possibly leaving Toronto for the next three years, I feel like I appreciate every chance we get to hang out together ever more, you know?" he asked and I nodded with a smile in response. I truly felt the same way.

"If he leaves, are you going to be looking for a new roommate come September?" I continued, but as his face lit up immediately when I said that, I instantly regretted the question. I had never meant that to mean….

"Adam, I…didn't mean _us_ living together. I think that would be too much too soon," I gently said, and I was happy to see that he didn't seem to be mad, but he just sadly shrugged and said,

"Yeah, no, me too," and the look in his eyes told me he was being honest with me.

"Adam…" I softly sighed, coming over to sit next to him on the bed, and I felt his entire body tense up at once.

I saw him take a deep breath before he softly said, "Lana…what are we doing here?"

"We're spending some nice Christmas break time with our friend and his family," I gently told him.

"That's _not _what I meant. I meant…you and me…what are we doing here?" and the way his voice cracked when he asked me that completely broke my heart.

"Adam, I love you," I reminded him.

"But I can't give you what you want," he stubbornly said, his fists clenching ever so slightly.

"I want _you, _Adam, and you've already given me that," I told him, desperately trying to get him to see things from my perspective.

"But you also want a baby. Don't lie to me, I saw you with Mia – it was plain as day," he deadpanned.

"Adam, I'm twenty-two years old. I don't want a baby," I replied at once.

"But one day you _will_," he stubbornly insisted.

"And maybe one day I can have one. There's…other ways, Adam. Not just one way," I gently told him, but he exploded at once,

"Right – God dammit, there's other ways! So I'm just supposed to just stand by and let some other guy screw my girlfriend, huh? Tell me Lana, how do we decide? Is there a catalogue? Choose some California, Abercrombie-looking guy, or do we choose an ex-boyfriend of yours or something? Then when the baby is born and _he_ decides he wants to be with you and the baby – make a perfect little family – I mean, why the heck not, it would be his kid after all! Not mine. _Never_ mine. That kid would have nothing to do me; just like that, it would be over for me, when the guy decides he _likes_ screwing you and he'd like to keep doing it–" he was running off, starting to make me just a bit mad.

"_Stop_ talking about me like that," I gritted out, giving him the coldest stare I had ever sent his way, and it was a good thing he decided to listen to me and quickly whispered an apology.

I assertively told him, "If we are going to be together, we need to be able to talk about these things without you talking about me like that," and I calmed down a bit when Adam gently took my hand and gave it a squeeze, apologizing again.

I then breathed deeply before I sighed, "Adoption, Adam. I meant adoption, that's what I was talking about," and his gaze slowly met mine as I continued,

"There are so many children out there with no one to look after them properly. Once we get our lives set up and once we would be able to give a child everything he or she needs, that's the option I'd like to choose. Adoption," I repeated as I felt Adam pull me into an embrace.

He gave me a gentle kiss that helped me calmed down significantly, and he then told me,

"But…Lana…who is going to give a baby to a transgendered guy?" and hearing him talk like this was breaking my heart, and I knew he was not using his powers of logic, so I just prompted him,

"You've never heard of such a thing happening?" giving him a small smile as he admitted,

"No, I have…" and I interrupted him before he could go any further down this path, telling him,

"Exactly. Us being selected is the least of my worries. Adam – any social worker can see the amazing man you are and the great dad you would be," I gently told him, and I saw his entire face light up when he heard that, and I couldn't help but lean in and give him a kiss.

"Okay," I heard him sigh as I pulled away. "You're right. There's more than one way, right?" he asked.

"Of course," I confirmed emphatically as Adam took my hand and began walking towards the door. However, just as we were about to step through it, he turned around and softly asked,

"Lana?"

"Yes?" I responded with an encouraging nod.

"When we get to this step, I mean once we're ready with our jobs and are stable enough and everything…maybe we can adopt a _baby_. So that we can raise him or her from the very beginning, you know?" he asked shyly, and leaving me no other acceptable method of response than a kiss.

**Clare's POV**

Eli's aunt and uncle reminded me a little of his parents, though they were a bit quieter than Cece and Bullfrog. However, they were just as affectionate as Eli's parents; Ben wouldn't let Linda get up from the table if anyone needed anything that wasn't laid out, insisting that she take the little time that he was at home to help to relax a bit. Whenever the baby would fuss, he would get up at once, taking Mia out of the room once to change her, and…the way in which he would be so attentive to Linda's needs reminded me a lot of the way Eli was always looking after me in the smallest but significant of ways.

It was also obvious that Adam and Lana were able to quickly overcome their issue, as they were both stealing loving glances at each other through out dinner. They were in the same great mood that everyone was at as we all told Eli's aunt and uncle about our school, our jobs, U of T in general – they had both done their undergrads there, and Eli filled them in a bit about what Cece and Bullfrog had been up to lately.

Eli's uncle was just pouring Linda a refill of her water from the pitcher on the table and she softly sighed,

"I love this age, you know – the one all these kids are at," she affectionately said in his direction. "You guys should come down more often. It's been great having them here Ben; I've had help with all the cooking, they've all been taking turns looking after the baby, and there's such…joy around the house," she said as she winked at us.

I heard Eli chuckle as he said, "You say that now – but wait until the day Mia is all grown up and she wants to start dating, not so sure you'll like our age then," and I laughed in response, knowing Eli would immediately bring attention to that matter.

"Just as long as she doesn't find a boy who is as much of a trouble maker as my nephew," Eli's uncle teased him as Linda shook her head in response and replied,

"No, you're wrong there love – I'd love for her to meet a boy like Eli when the time is right. She'd be well looked after," Linda argued, and I reached for Eli's hand, fruitlessly trying to get my blushing under control and intertwining our fingers as I added,

"That's exactly right. She'd be a lucky girl," and I saw Eli flash me a smirk before he said,

"Well, you guys better let me screen the punk, clearly I'm the best equipped out of everyone here to tell," and everyone laughed in response and Eli's aunt and uncle officially nominated him to perform this task in several years.

The rest of the evening was also extremely fun; it was obvious that Eli's aunt really did enjoy having us here, and that both her and Eli's uncle were very merry-hearted and young at heart. Mia was much more active after dinner; we took her out to play in the backyard, bringing a set of toys and blankets out with us. Eli's aunt told us that she was being much more cheerful than usual, something that she attributed to Mia having so many energetic people she had never met before play with her, though she definitely spent most of her time lifted up by Eli. He was lying down in the grass and holding Mia in his arms, lifting her up while her little arms went as far out as possible as her tiny face scrunched up in delight and she rewarded Eli with giggles, her laughter so small but very high-pitched at the same time. I could tell that Eli was thrilled at the reactions that he was getting from his little cousin, and when his aunt was able to finally settle down her own laughter at the sight, she warned Eli,

"Okay, that's enough now, Eli, she just ate, I should take her in and lay her down," but he shot his aunt a perfect disappointed look that I assumed he had perfected as a child, because when accompanied by a,

"No, please, Aunt Linda, just a couple more times," she immediately caved, rolling her eyes at him.

"Okay, Eli, but just _one _more time and then she has to –" but just as she was speaking we all watched in horror, as without a single gag or any other type of warning, Mia threw up…a lot. The pasty white liquid ended up all over Eli's arm and shoulder as his face turned to one of complete shock, but he remained perfectly calm and he quickly apologized to his aunt profusely for not listening to her. Linda just quickly took the baby from him and began cleaning her up as she smiled at Eli and reassured him,

"No, Eli, it's okay, she's fine. It happens all the time with babies. Don't worry about it, please, it's okay. But I'm going to take her in, you go get yourself cleaned up," she suggested, and as I saw Eli's face get paler and paler and I could tell he was trying very hard not to inhale, I decided that it was best that he should have with this whole clean-up task. I followed him into the house and held back my giggles as I said,

"I'll go to your room and grab a shirt, you go to the bathroom right away, okay?" and he thanked me and nodded quickly, obviously rather affected by this whole episode; his face was still rather pale and he was still trying really hard not to inhale.

I just grabbed a black band shirt and headed into the washroom quickly, just as Eli was rinsing off his shirt. I asked him to give it to me, and after a little conference with Eli's aunt about where the washing machine was, she told me to just throw it in there on its own, which I gladly did; I didn't want to hang on to it for a minute longer than necessary.

Once I returned to the washroom upstairs, Eli pulled me in for a slow kiss and said,

"Sorry. I probably smell like baby puke," with a frown.

"You don't," I honestly told him, "but that was rather hilarious. You're so good with your little cousin," I encouraged him.

"Hmm…pretty sure making her throw up because of too many spin rides doesn't get slotted in the 'good' category," he said with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

"She's a baby, Eli, she's going to throw up now and then," I gently told him, "and she was having fun," I finished, leaning in for another slow kiss as Eli raised me onto the counter quickly and we spent a few more minutes happily lost in each other.

"I-I should take a shower," he said, his voice filled with regret, but I could tell that he was still feeling a bit gross from the entire baby throw-up incident, so I slid off the counter and gave him just one more kiss before I left the bathroom.

After putting Mia to bed, Eli's aunt and uncle invited us to watch a movie downstairs, and eventually Eli surfaced from the bathroom as well, his hair all wet. He snuggled against me on the couch I kept playing with his hair, shaking it out and running my fingers through it, getting my shirt a little wet in the process as well.

Once the movie was over and Eli's aunt and uncle marvelled at the fact that Mia didn't even wake up once, everyone was pretty tired so we headed to our respective rooms after saying good-night to each other. Eli didn't hesitate in giving me a kiss in front of his aunt and uncle at all, and upon seeing that, Adam also followed his lead and kissed Lana goodnight. While our rooms were upstairs, Eli's aunt and uncle were sleeping downstairs, Mia's crib being right in their bedroom.

After Lana had confirmed to me that Adam was feeling indeed all right about everything and he was no longer upset or disconcerted, we tucked into bed, and I felt sleep overtake me in just a matter of minutes. However, I woke up five hours later when I heard tiny baby cries and footsteps going past our room, and I knew that the person walking by must have been one of the boys, as they were the only ones up on the second floor. I took a minute to get out of bed and throw a sweater on as I was wearing a thin tank top and I didn't want Adam to see me like that if it was him, nor did I want to be so exposed in front of Eli's aunt or uncle – I knew one of them would be waking up to calm Mia down or to give her whatever she needed.

After I quietly made my way down the stairs, not wanting to wake up everyone else who was still sleeping, I noticed that Eli's aunt was sitting outside on the porch swing – between the outdoor fireplace and the Plexiglass insulation, the porch was just as warm as the inside of the house and Eli was sitting next to her, holding a much calmer baby Mia. The scene in front of me was so serene and so peaceful that I just sat down on the steps by the main door, enjoying this special moment. I felt so…integrated into Eli's family and I never wanted the spell to break.

"Good job, Eli, she's all calm now," I heard Linda softly say.

"She's so precious," Eli said as he studied the baby closely.

"I love her to bits," Linda said, "and I'm really glad I was finally able to…get my life together, you know? With Ben – it's just…right," she said, and I knew she was referring to something in her past that I didn't know about. Linda was only two years younger than Cece, so she was having a baby later in life, but I didn't know…if there was a particular reason for that, other than just her being able to get pregnant later in life as opposed to earlier.

Eli looked at his aunt with a soft smirk as he said, "Aunt Linda…being a mom suits you. You're a wonderful one," he complimented her, and I saw her lean her head on his shoulder as she said, "Thank you, Eli. That means a lot to me, you know".

I then saw her run her fingers through his hair in a manner that seemed exact to the one that I had seen Cece do it in a few times as she said,

"Baby boy…how are you doing? It's been a long time since we've talked," and I was incredibly taken aback at how she even…sounded like her sister so much.

"Hasn't been that long, remember? I was at the wedding," Eli specified.

"Of course I remember. But you were sad that day, Cece had told me about Clare being in England for the semester, and I was so busy saying hi to everyone I never got a chance to actually talk to you," she pointed out, and I felt a sharp pang in my chest when I thought of Eli all alone at a wedding…hurting.

"I wasn't sad that day – you were getting married to Ben, Aunt Linda. I was really happy for you," Eli pointed out.

"I know that, baby boy," she emphatically said, "But I knew you were missing Clare as well. I'm glad she came down this weekend," she said, and I listened even a bit harder at this point.

Eli's aunt continued, "Eli…I really wish that I could have been there, you know? To just…be there for you, when all those things happened," she said and I felt myself tear up at once.

I heard Eli sigh as he gently adjusted Mia in his arms and he said, "Aunt Linda…it wouldn't have been your job to fix me. It wasn't Clare's job to fix me. It wasn't my mom or dad's job to fix me, and it wasn't my therapist's job to fix me. I had to get the courage to do it myself, and it's not like it'll be something that's completely over. It was just…my job to do it myself. Not anyone else's. I had all the help I needed," Eli argued, and I heard his aunt sigh and shake her head.

"We're all very proud of how you did get better, Eli, but…you were alone for a long period of time there, baby boy. It shouldn't have been like that. After…Julia," she softly said, and I saw Eli shrug his shoulders.

"I wasn't all that alone," he insisted.

"And after your car accident?" she pushed.

"Not even then. I had people that were there for me, but…it was scary, Aunt Linda. I couldn't…expect her to stick around. We were so young. I shouldn't have been so upset that she did the right thing and left me," Eli said, and I could feel my heart slowly breaking.

He softly continued, "After Julia died…I felt like I died as well, for a period there. And I think I will always feel like a part of me died with her as well, you know? But…after I got help and resolved to try to get stronger…I mean, I'm not saying that it's any easier. When April twenty-second comes, I feel just as terrible as the year that she died, I feel like it's happening all over again," Eli softly whispered, and I knew that, because it was something he had previously expressed to me.

He added, "But…Clare has stood by me beautifully ever since we got back together, and I'm glad everything happened the way it did. I needed some time to get better on my own, to put in a conscious effort without leaning on her, you know? At first…I had to accept that you can love someone with all your heart for all the right reasons, but that in a moment they can choose to walk away. And they can have that choice; it's theirs choice to make, not yours. Part of my initial problem was this…dependency issue on her. I felt that she was so inextricably linked with the process of me getting better that in my mind, if she wasn't there, I could never get better; I felt like she was the only thing that made me think I could _ever _better. And that was bad; and dangerous, as I quickly found out. So…I couldn't just depend on others for my well-being, so please don't feel guilty that you couldn't be there," Eli said and his aunt nodded in response.

Eli continued, "And just recently…she told me that I have to…forgive myself. And that really…shocked me, because…she was really right. I don't want to forget what happened with us, between I don't feel that I should get a get-out-of-jail-free-card just like that. But…now that I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my daemons, I think I'm finally at peace with the past I regret. Sometimes you find strength in your moments of weakness; I might have been burdened with blame and trapped in the past for too long, but I don't want to just pretend like it never happened. In the end I had to lose everything to find out how to get back up. I hope forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road, but…now I feel like life was been patiently waiting for me. Since…I was able to heal significantly, there are days when I am at peace at myself. But most importantly…I just never want to go down that road again".

She softly sighed, "Oh, Eli…do you even _know_ how wonderful you _really _are?" she said, expressing exactly what was going through my own mind in this minute.

Eli didn't respond, he just adjusted Mia's blanket as his aunt gently continued, "Eli…at twenty-two years old, you're already more mature than most of the people I know who are my age. And you were like that…quite early on; you've had to grow up really fast, baby boy".

"Bad things happen to everyone," Eli sighed, and then he wrapped Mia's blanket around her just a bit tighter as he said, "But…sometimes a lot of good things happen as well," as he looked down at the little baby.

"Well, I hope to see only good things happening to you from now, Eli. You don't deserve any more pain," Linda plainly said, as Eli just kept quiet.

I then heard Linda softly giggle as she said, "Do you remember…how when you were about six years old, you kept saying that when you were going to grow up you would become a policeman so you could protect me?" and I widened my eyes at that little tidbit, totally being able to imagine such a thing.

"He would _hurt_ you, Aunt Linda. Really badly. I didn't know it was him; but I could see the bruises. I didn't know he had put them there until years later when Cece finally told me and by that time you had already met Ben, but…I could tell _someone _was hurting you. I could tell that you needed…protection," Eli pointed out, and my heart froze. _That's _what had happened to his aunt?

"I know, baby boy, I know. But I got away from him, and I'm happy now. I have everything I've ever wanted now," she said, and I felt a tear fall down my face when I realized the complexity of this situation. This was a whole other facet of Eli's childhood that had affected who he had become…it explained so much in regards to his worry about how the girls in his life needed to be looked after.

"And I'm so glad to see that, Aunt Linda," Eli told her as she adjusted her head on his shoulder.

"Oh, Eli…there's a really big difference between you and...mostly everyone else in this world, I feel," she said.

"I know…Dr. Sadler said –" Eli started, but his aunt immediately cut him off.

"That's _not _what I meant, Eli. I meant that…you're used to _looking after _things and…mostly everyone else in this world is used to _being looked after_," Linda said, and I was taken aback at how…she had perfectly understood Eli, with just one description.

She softly continued, "You…are going to make an amazing dad someday Eli. I can just tell," and she gave him a smile as she lifted her head off of his shoulder.

"Let's head inside now," she gently said, and I quietly made my way back up to my own room, not wanting to ruin their wonderful moment. Eli's aunt…had been incredibly right. In _everything _that she had said.

**Eli's POV**

"When is your meeting with Dr. Gifford tomorrow?" I heard Clare ask right before she was making her way out of me and Adam's apartment.

"Three o'clock," I answered.

"Good luck. That's really neat, that you're going to be his Teaching Assistant for the term," she said with a smile.

"I have to be _someone's _TA this term, Masters' students are used as slave labourers for first year English classes. But I don't think it should be too bad; just marking stuff and then leading a discussion section of first-year English for Dr. Gifford. But that might actually be good practice if I want to be a prof; see what teaching those first-year punks is really like," I told her with a smirk.

"You'll be brilliant," she replied. "Eli, do you think it's a coincidence that Dr. Gifford wants to meet with you the same day that you are supposed to hear about PhD acceptance?" Clare nervously asked. We had both been nervous wrecks all week, knowing that the answer on the next three years of my life would be arriving tomorrow.

"Trying not to think too much about it," I answered, then quickly added, "But…I'm miserably failing," I admitted, and Clare immediately approached me and embraced me in a warm hug.

"Eli, no matter what happens – we will choose the best school and we will make it work, okay?" she told me, and I believed her with every bit of my heart, but…three years was so long. Who knows how quickly she might change her mind. I know I'm a lot to deal with; I'm not calm, or relaxed, and I'm not even going to attempt being that way, because it's just not who I am. But all I ever want to do is make her happy and take care of her…but how am I supposed to do that from three thousand miles away?

"Okay," I just softly sighed back, promising to call her tomorrow right after my meeting with Dr. Gifford.

**Dr. Gifford's POV**

"All right, then, just take him off the tenure-track professor list and tell him we wish him all the best at U of Calgary," I told my secretary into the phone, sipping my last bit of coffee for the day. I wanted to get another cup, but I had promised my wife that I would follow the instructions that doctor had given me…and much to my chagrin, those included having only two cups of coffee per day.

I glanced at the clock and realized that I only had a few minutes until three o'clock, the time at which I expected Eli to walk into my office. I knew he would get accepted into both UBC and U of Ottawa, not only because his grades were strong, but because I was the one to write his letter of recommendation to those universities, and I know that without a doubt, once the Department Heads see my name, they will recognize it and they will not go back on my recommendations. But I was also very aware that Eli really didn't want to leave Toronto, and if he had chosen any other profession but continuing in academia, that wouldn't be a problem. But seeing how he was determined to stay in Toronto – and I really couldn't blame him; U of T is the best university in the country and the opportunities he would have here would be excellent – I had come up with a plan to make this work, but I didn't know if Eli would go for it, because it involved him going very far away and doing some rather difficult research for a very long amount of time. As I was lost in my thoughts, I heard a knock on my door, and after I encouraged him to come in, Eli appeared and took a seat opposite of me, looking completely nervous and somewhat tortured…and I knew this was because of the two letters in his hand. Eli had been working for me as a Research Assistant for a long time now, and I have gotten to know the young man quite well. His work is detailed and rather outstanding, so I would be satisfied if he were to accept my offer.

"Eli. How are things? Are those letters from UBC and U of Ottawa that you are holding in your hands?" I asked him and he quickly nodded as he said,

"Yes, Sir".

"And I am guessing you have been accepted to both?" I pushed.

"Yes, Sir. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write me a recommendation letter, Sir. I greatly appreciate that," Eli continued, gratefulness clearly etched across his entire face.

I then saw him nervously shift as he said, "But…I didn't get one from U of T, Sir. I'm sorry I let you down," he said with a large exhale, and it greatly saddened me to see him so crushed, so I knew I had to explain quickly,

"Eli, son, that's because I asked my secretary to hold off on it – wanted to explain things to you myself. Your situation is a little bit different – you know you are not really supposed to complete your PhD at the university at which you want to later return to teach at," I told him, and I saw him sadly nod in response.

"So, under normal circumstances, you would be ineligible to do your PhD at U of T. However, Eli, there is…a way; but it doesn't involve actually staying at U of T," I gently told him.

"W-What do you mean?" he quickly asked.

"In our admittance meeting, I was explaining to the rest of the Department that you have been my Research Assistant for several summers now and that you are also working as my TA this semester. I made an argument to the Department that…we should keep you on at U of T for your PhD because it would…help me; there would be a consistency there that I would greatly appreciate. I asked the Department to keep you on because of the partnership we have formed," I explained to him, and Eli looked absolutely stunned, and gratefulness was etched all over his face, a reaction I expected. The boy had indeed greatly helped me, and I hated the thought of having to start all over with a new student and losing Eli, but there was one aspect of the plan that I hadn't yet shared with him, and I am not exactly sure of the way he will react when he learns about it.

"Dr. Gifford, that is…so much more than I ever expected anyone to ever do for me," Eli said, the sincerity in his eyes being very striking, "I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it and how thankful I am," he continued.

"You are most welcome, Eli, but if you do decide to stay at U of T, you would be the one helping me, you see. However, I'm afraid there's one part of this plan that you hadn't anticipated," I began and Eli just flashed me an inquiring look.

"You see, Eli," I continued, "you would have to be prepared to come with me to Oxford when I go do my research there on my year of sabbatical…this September to April. We would obviously be coming back to Toronto for Christmas, but it does involve the full year abroad – if I am making the argument that I need you, I will be needing you when I am on sabbatical as well," I told him, and I saw him register the information with a lot of surprise, but he quickly said,

"I…would be helping you do your research in London?" and I nodded, also letting him know,

"You would be living in campus at Oxford, and you would spend your days researching what I ask you to, and you are free to audit any of the classes in the PhD program at Oxford as well; it would be a great opportunity, Eli. It's the school that I completed my own PhD at," I informed him, but the nod he gave me at once let me know that he was probably already aware of that.

"Thank you, Sir. That would be an honour. I would be so delighted to accept," Eli said at once, surprising me a little.

"You're okay to go to England then? For the year?" I asked him.

"Absolutely, Sir. The opportunity you have created for me…it's remarkable, and I can't wait to start," Eli said, looking as pleased as possible.

"Well then, Eli, glad to have you on board. I take it that you are off to find Miss Edwards and celebrate?" I playfully asked him, knowing very well that the reason that Eli hung around the end of my fourth-year class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday wasn't that he found my lectures riveting, but that he rather found the intelligent blue-eyed, curly haired girl _in _my fourth-year class completely enchanting.

I saw him get a little visibly embarrassed at my question, but he quickly composed himself and flashed me one of those characteristic smirks of his as he answered, "Yes, Sir."

"Eli…son," I gently told him, "My wife and I were separated for the three years that we each did our PhDs at different universities for. It's do-able son, this long-distance thing," I said, and I saw his face soften as he thanked me all over again, and he then quietly made his way out of my office.

**Clare's POV**

I knew that by now, Eli must be out of his meeting with Dr. Gifford, so I was practically running to his residence and I knocked on the door wildly, and Eli opened it up at once.

His eyes were teary and he closed his eyes when he saw me, squeezing them tightly for a second before opening them up and placing a quick kiss in the corner of my mouth and wrapping me up in a gentle embrace that I felt his body tremble into a bit. He gently guided us to the couch after, and I sat on his lap, hugging him tightly as I gathered my own emotions, finally saying,

"There's Christmas break and reading break, and we'll take it four months at a time. Is it…Vancouver or Ottawa?" I gently asked him.

"It's a little more complex than that," I heard him say as his voice faltered for a second, but I knew that he was aware that I didn't like this tension, so he quickly continued, "I…Dr. Gifford said that if I go to England and work as his research assistant there for the year, I can credit that as my research portion of my degree, and then come back and finish the remaining two years at U of T," and I dropped my jaw in shock. This was…really unexpected. In my mind, we had either Vancouver or Ottawa or Toronto – knowing that the last option was a really rare possibility. But…this…was so different.

"Eli, really?" I asked incredulously as he nodded and held on to me tighter.

I immediately returned his hug and I whispered in his ear, "I love you. Congratulations. You have to do it," and I felt him pull me out of the embrace as he tearfully said, "It's a great chance…but Clare, it's so far away".

"We'll take it just like we did the last time England entered our lives – just one semester at a time. One day a time; we have counted down before and we will count down again. And you'll be back at Christmas, right?" I asked, panicking a little at the possibility of him saying that he actually needed to stay there for an entire full year.

"I will, of course I will," Eli replied, and I felt myself let out a breath that I wasn't even aware I was holding.

"Eli…we can do this. It's one year as opposed to three. This is good news," I told him before I gave him a few gentle kisses that I knew calmed him down a bit.

"I know, one year really is better, and Dr. Gifford really vouched for me, so I couldn't really say no," he shyly said.

"Of course not. Oh, Eli, I'm so proud of you. This is amazing – you get to do research at Oxford!" I pointed out.

"I'm really excited for the work – trust me, I am – I think I got off with one of the sweetest deals possible here, but…" he hesitated.

"I'll miss you, too Eli – but we can do this. We can get through this. And we won't be sad – we'll be happy, working and waiting for each other," I told him, and I felt him give me a soft kiss in response, but I could tell that he was still just as sad as I was.

"Clare…it's just that…" he started.

"_I_ was supposed to show you England," I softly whispered, knowing the same thought was running through his mind.

"Exactly," he sighed.

"We can still do that. After we both finish our degrees, we can go back there and do everything properly," I told him.

"Properly?" he softly asked.

"Yeah, properly, as in…together," I told him, before leaning in and giving him another kiss.

"We'll get through this, Eli," I said one more time, because as heartbroken as I was at the thought that he will be…just gone come September, I was trying to desperately remind myself that this was a blessing; it was just one year without him as opposed to three. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel with just one year to get through.

"Are you…afraid of something in particular?" I gently asked him.

"It just…feels wrong, you know? I'm supposed to be your boyfriend; I'm supposed to…" he trailed off, shaking his head.

"You're supposed to, what, Eli?" I encouraged him.

"I'm supposed to…be here for you, especially with you starting law school right when I leave. I'm not supposed to just…leave you. For so long too. A boyfriend is supposed to look after his girl. But…I can't even do that now, " Eli said, his face contorting in a painful expression before he continued, "And I know I sound ridiculous; I was operating on the assumption that I would have to be away for three years, but now that I have the actual concrete plans laid out right before me…it just all feels…" Eli was saying.

"Real?" I supplied, and he sadly nodded.

"Eli…I understand what you mean about not being here for me; but we'll talk on the phone, and Skype, and we'll e-mail, and…it'll be all right. And if anything happens where I don't feel safe or if I need you…I'll tell you, okay? I promise," I told him, meaning every word. I understood why he felt that way, and my mom's words kept ringing through my head.

_It's not such a bad thing that he wants to look after you, sweetheart. _

"Okay, Clare," I heard him exhale, and I didn't want to suggest moving from our embrace.

"Eli?" I softly asked him.

"Yeah?" he replied as he began twirling one of my curls between his index and middle finger.

"You know what I do like about this plan?" I asked him.

"What's that?" he replied.

"Before…when I was thinking about you being in Ottawa or Vancouver possibly…I tried to imagine that a few times, and it was like a blank wall came up in my mind whenever I tried to do it. Ottawa I don't know well at all, and Vancouver even less – just that waterfront boardwalk when we went to the conference but obviously neither of us saw very much that weekend," and I felt Eli softly running his hands up and down my arms at the mention of the weekend when I got horribly sick, "but…in London…I can imagine you there," I said, trying really hard to not have my voice break.

I continued, "I didn't stay at Oxford, but I did go visit it, and I'm sure you'll visit all the tourist places, of course. I can tell you all about them, and that way…I can imagine you there…I can feel like I'm going again too," I softly told him, and at this point we were both softly crying as Eli began gently rocking me and he said,

"Okay, sweetheart. Okay, we'll do that," he sighed, and it was only Adam's arrival a few hours later that caused us both to eventually pull out of our embrace and put ourselves back together.


	40. London Calling

**Hi lovely readers, **

**To the mean people who keep sending me private messages – can you please just stop….wasting your time. I guess you should be happy, because as I am debating whether or not to keep writing stories, the things you are saying are definitely making me want to drop this story and They Didn't Have To Be, not to mention write others. Oh, but I totally don't mean ilovetaylorswiftthirteen or Julesgracie or anyone else who sends me private messages – the kinds of messages I'm talking about include language so offensive that I will not replicate. You know who you are, and it deeply saddens me that you have nothing better to do than to embark on such a fruitless activity. This story is for those of us who like reading and writing and like imagining different scenarios for stories. I'm not going to pretend that what you say doesn't affect me, because writing this story takes time and energy, and of course I am curious to see what others think. If I wasn't, I would only be sharing it with the girls that I teach dance to and watch Degrassi with before our classes – they are the ones who asked me to come up with a different direction for Eli and Clare, because they knew my major in university and the part-time work that I do. It's hurtful that the things that I write aren't up to your satisfaction, but…your ideas are just as valid as mine. Put them in a story. I sincerely hope that the people who give you feedback are a lot more gentle than you are to me. **

**At the end of the day, private messengers, it's just a story. Nothing more. **

**End rant. **

**Not even gonna touch tonight's episode. Everything I thought was gonna happen happened, and Eli is just perfect. The way Munro Chambers JUST WALKED, not even counting any of the lines he delivered, portrayed loss and loneliness and sadness so powerfully. That is good acting. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

**Eli's POV**

"These are for you," I told Clare as I held out a bouquet of flowers after I met her in the U of T Rose Garden, taking in her long black robe and purple sash, indicating that she was a graduate of the Arts faculty in the English Department.

"You looked beautiful on stage," I whispered in her ear, giving her a very chaste hug, being well aware of the fact that her parents were just a few feet away.

Adam then gave her a high-five, as he had come to her graduation ceremony with me, and both of us had been to his earlier this week. He was going to stay at U of T next year in order to do his business master's, and I actually needed to talk to him about our housing situation, but I didn't want to ruin Clare's special moment.

Her mom took a photo of her and I and I reminded Clare that we'd have to send her grandma a copy for her collection of Clare and I at different graduation ceremonies, and then we also took a picture with Adam. When I offered to take a photo of Clare with her parents, I was a little surprised that they never asked for individual ones with her, and I could tell that Clare was too.

After we were finished with all of our picture taking, Clare softly asked me,

"Eli, my parents were asking if you want to come to dinner with us. Come," she said, but the more I thought about it, the more things felt a little different, so I led Clare a little bit away from everyone and gently asked her,

"Clare, is there something going with your parents? Like…are they getting along better?" I inquired, a few foggy memories of the time we had spent with them in Vancouver resurfacing in my mind. I had noticed a couple of things, but I had been way too worried about Clare to focus on them and to really think about them lucidly.

I saw her bury her face in her flowers for a second, and then she cast me a hopeful look as she said,

"I…don't know, Eli. It could just be…random. It maybe doesn't mean anything," and although I knew she was trying to keep her expectations down, I could just feel the hopefulness in her voice, and I r_eally _wished this wouldn't lead to her experiencing a truly painful breakdown all over again.

"Have you tried talking to them about it?" I asked her, knowing this was a tricky subject for her.

She quickly looked out at the many trees lining the streets of the main university boulevard as she said, "Eli…I don't want to," and I just wrapped her up in an embrace, getting a little buried by her large grad robe.

"You don't have to," I gently whispered. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do," I told her, because I understood why she didn't want to talk to them, despite the fact that in the past we had had relative success in teaming up in order to figure out what was going on with her parents. But I knew how painful this was for Clare, and…I didn't want to push her. I had pushed her so much already.

"I know…I should," she continued, "and that knowing is always better than not knowing, but…I just can't, Eli," she finished, as I let out a breath and just ran my fingers through her hair, repeating, "You don't have to. You don't have to, Clare".

I slowly suggested, "How about you go to a private dinner with your parents this time? Do you need me there?" I double-checked. I quickly added, "I'll take you out after for our own celebration, okay?" and she gently nodded and leaned in to give a quick kiss, a somewhat bold move as her dad wasn't really all that far away. She had often given me a few kisses in front of her mom, but her dad…that was a bit of a different story.

After Clare headed off with her parents, Adam and I went to the dining hall, and after he took about fifteen minutes changing his mind as to whether have pizza or Chinese and ultimately ended up getting both, we finally sat down.

"Adam, about September – feel free to take another roommate," I told him, the thought of that being a little weird to me, but I mean…he had every right to.

"Um, no thanks, dude, so not doing that," he shot back at once, and I couldn't help but smirk in response.

"And why is that?" I asked him.

"I don't want to live with anyone else, idiot, that's why," he replied with a shrug, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Adam then continued, "You lived on your own for a year before I came to U of T, remember? You waited for me – why shouldn't I wait for you? I'll still have a year left at U of T after you come back – you know my Master's program is two years long," he pointed out, and I liked that logic.

"So where do you think you're gonna live?" I inquired.

"I'd like to stick around Opus College, but I'd just live on the second floor, in one of the single rooms," he told me.

"Thanks, Adam," I emphatically told him.

"Of course. Just hurry up with your little British adventure and get back to Canada before you catch that accent because I'm going to miss you man," he said poignantly.

"We're going to talk all the time. Oh, and I wanted to make you a set of keys for the Jeep – it's yours and Clare's while I'm gone. You know she doesn't really drive much, so you'll probably get it lots – just keep it in the parking lot between Annesley and Opus. And I'm hoping you could take care of its maintenance – I'll leave you money for that, but I'd really appreciate it if you did that…for Clare especially. I don't want her driving around if the Jeep isn't maintained properly. Just take care of my baby, take it in for its six month service and such," I reminded him.

"Seriously? Dude, of course I'll take care of it properly, especially if Clare will also be driving it," Adam reassured me.

"Of course. You drive it all the time anyway, and I know you know how to take care of it," I pointed out and then I felt the need to repeat, "Don't be bummed out, Adam. We'll talk so much you'll be just as annoyed by me as always," I told him with a smirk.

"I know, it just won't be the same. But at least it's better than you leaving for three years; if you had done that, I would have been old and gray by the time you would have returned," Adam said with a laugh.

"It's all downhill past the age of…twenty-two?" I teased him, and that caused him to punch my shoulder in response just as I was taking a sip of Coke, obviously causing it to spill all over my shirt. I shot Adam a sarcastic glare in response, but we had actually been through this ritual a few times before, so as soon as I had cleaned up a bit, we headed back to our apartment.

**Scotty's POV**

"So you're going to miss my tenth birthday?" I asked Eli, trying really hard to not act like a baby…but it was hard. Dylan and I were having ice cream after watching a movie with Eli and Clare and…Eli told us he had to go to England for a year starting in September and I couldn't believe it!

Why did everyone go to England all the time? What's so great about England anyway? Eli says he has to, for his school, but one year sounds like a pretty long field trip to me.

"I'm sorry, buddy, but I'll make it up to you, I promise," Eli told me, and I knew he looked sad, but if he was so sad he shouldn't be going.

"What about Clare?" I asked Eli, but she spoke up instead,

"Scotty, I'm not going, and obviously I'm going to miss Eli so much, but nothing will change. Maybe you and I and Dylan can hang out sometimes," she said, and that sounded fun, even if it's never been just me and my brother and a girl. But it wasn't just any girl, it was Clare, so I guess that was all right. Besides…

"We _have to_ hang out. You have to call us sometimes, Clare," I sternly told her.

"Of course," she replied, but she looked totally confused – I knew her and Eli were both smart, but sometimes it really took them forever to catch on to some things.

"Me and Dylan will look after you. While Eli is in England. Eli needs to be careful too, but he'll be all right," I pointed out. "But me and Dylan will look after Clare, okay, Eli?" I told him, and then we shook hands on it which was good. That was the only way this whole England thing would work.

What's so great about England anyway? Dylan says they drive on the wrong side of the road there. And…they always steal the cool people. First Clare, now Eli. And Dylan says they're not very good at baseball either, so…what's so great about England anyway? I don't think I'll ever understand it.

**Eli's POV**

Clare and I were walking alone along beneath the lights of the beach boardwalk; it was the last day of summer, and after the months of work and spending time with our friends…Clare had told me that she wanted to spend today and tonight alone with me, a sentiment I completely reciprocated. She suggested that we go to Lake Ontario for the day, and after a day of spending time at the beach, playing in the water, and trying some of the restaurants here, we both knew that the summer was drawing to an end tonight…and there was still so much that I longed to do with her, but…it would have to wait. Because come tomorrow, I…would be three thousand miles away, making sure I don't disappoint Dr. Gifford doing really tough research at a university I had never been to before, not to mention in a city and country that I had never stepped foot in. Back in my room at home, my new passport was in my backpack, and my bags were packed for…four months.

We had both entered the summer with the conscious decision to have as much fun together as possible; it really was a true break for both of us; we were both in between degrees, and we had done very well with our pact, but…tonight would be bittersweet no matter what, and I think we were both very well aware of that fact.

The beachside scene at Lake Ontario was brimming with crowds and excitement; it soon became obvious to us that Clare and I weren't the only ones who were trying to hold on to every minute of the summer that was left. As we were making our way into the night, we could hear the cries from the carnival rides, the pinball bells and the ski ball slides and we could feel the warm wind coming in from off of the ocean. It was making its way past the vendors' tables that were lining the boardwalk to fill the entire beach. Clare was holding onto my left hand with one hand and holding both of her shoes in her other hand; she had told me she liked to feel the sand beneath her feet. Her toes were painted a gentle shade of pink, just like her fingernails…the shade of pink she always had on…the shade that I would seeing intertwined among my fingers so much.

We were watching the summer sun fall out of sight as she asked me to dance; there was a local band playing at the lakeside pavilion, and I had had just enough cash to get us into the admission section. Her arms wrapped around me as I whispered "I love you," in the midst of the music, and I felt her hold on to me just a bit tighter after she heard that.

She kept us out on the dance floor for a long time, and I kept my face buried in her curls the entire time, losing myself in the scent as I softly whispered,

"Mmm. Liliac. I'm gonna miss that smell," sadness overwhelming me at once at even such a small thing.

I felt Clare slightly shiver in response, and as she slowly pulled away out of the embrace she asked, "Is it time for us to drive back home now?" and I had the feeling she was just as aware as I was that we had already stayed out two hours longer than we had originally planned. We had a fair drive ahead of us, but I hadn't had a drink on purpose…Clare did manage to have a much more pleasant interaction with just one, single crantini this time around, and that made me happy because I wanted her to have a positive experience with having just one drink now and then.

I shot her a sad smirk and said, "Yeah, we could start driving," staying away from any other future references. We still had the drive left, I sadly thought to myself.

It turned out to be a really easy drive; the roads were pretty clear, and Clare snuggled into me, laying her head on my chest for the entire length of the drive, as we kept the music to a pretty low volume. Everything around us was a dark purple as the summer sun was slowly being defeated by grey clouds, and eventually we were surrounded by a dark obscurity as the beach and forests were replaced by the skyscrapers and retail stores of Queen's Street. I drove slowly, making sure to catch the last red lights that would control my traffic patterns for the next four months, but as much as I never wanted the moment to come, I eventually pulled over in front of Clare's house.

It took her a few minutes, but she slowly separated her body from mine, and as her striking blue eyes met my gaze, she whispered,

"Eli…I was hoping I could sleep in your arms tonight – just one last time, until you come home at Christmas," making my heart ache.

"Your parents would _kill_ me, and then you'd have to explain to Dr. Gifford why he isn't getting a research assistant after all," I softly replied. It wasn't like we were on campus; I knew her mom was expecting her to come home late, and I had seen Clare texting her mom a few times when we did stay at the beach longer.

"I…my mom said it's all right. She trusts us, Eli," she softly whispered. That actually caught me by surprise – I knew Clare's mom accepted me, but…that was a pretty big step in my opinion.

"And I can expect your dad on my front steps with a shot gun tomorrow morning then? I know he's not at home, but…if he finds out, calls and wants to talk to you before the first day of classes tomorrow or something," I pointed out.

"He won't. My mom said that if he calls, she'll just say I was at Alli's," and that little conspiracy on her mom's part _definitely _had me floored.

"You serious?" I double-checked, and Clare giggled in response, obviously amused at my surprise.

I shot her a quick smirk, feeling on cloud nine at the thought of getting to spend a few more precious hours with her, and said, "Off we go then," starting the Jeep up again at once.

Once we pulled up in front of my house, Clare noticed that my parents' car wasn't parked out front, so she asked,

"Cece and Bullfrog went to Hamilton, right?" and I nodded in response.

"Yeah, they left yesterday," I told her, not wanting to make her even sadder by telling her that I already said my goodbyes to my parents. If there's one thing that I hate in this entire world, it's goodbyes. I didn't even get to say goodbye a number of important times in my life, but sometimes not saying it was just as bad. We made our way into the house and after I poured Clare a glass of berry juice and we watched a bit of TV, she took my hand and led us to my room.

"Is it weird to know…that you won't be in your room for a while?" she asked, glancing at my packed suitcase.

"It's weird to know I'm not going back to rez, that Adam's going to be living alone, that…"I trailed off, not wanting to speak the rest of that sentence aloud and say "and that I won't be here for my girlfriend," because I didn't want to be reminded. Like I could forget. And like Clare didn't know that already.

"One day at a time," Clare softly whispered, and then she sat down on my bed and added, "I got you something…a small going away present".

"Oh, Clare, you didn't have to do that," I told her, leaning in for a slow kiss. I didn't want to rush anything tonight.

"Just a few things," she said with a few giggles, pulling out two small Toronto tourist calendars. She shyly looked at me and explained,

"For our countdown."

"It's perfect," I declared at once, her thoughtfulness greatly touching me. This was a great gift…because it was intrinsically focused on my return.

"I also got you this," she said, pulling out a notebook and opening it to reveal separate labeled pages – they had photos and maps on them – each corresponding to what I now recognized as different London neighbourhoods and landmarks.

"Clare…it's amazing. It's like the perfect custom guidebook…just for me," I said, astonishment in my voice as I added,

"How long have you been working on this?" as she had obviously spent a lot of time making it.

"Not so long," she modestly said, just like I expected her to.

"What is this page?" I asked, taking in what appeared to be the same sentence in a bunch of different languages.

"_That _is how to say 'I have a girlfriend,' in every single language they speak in every single country in Europe. In case you go on urban adventures to other countries and those Europe babes get ideas," she said with an exaggerated stern look.

I playfully rolled my eyes in response, telling her something I was sure she already knew,

"The _only _girl I will ever care about is right here in this room. I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too," she softly replied, and I wrapped her up in an embrace, smelling her hair deeply – I never wanted to forget the scent.

After we pulled away, I watched as Clare pulled out a small perfume bottle from her purse and my jaw almost dropped as I watched her spray my pillow, then gently take off the pillowcase and fold it neatly, and then placing it in the outside pocket of my suitcase. It was like she read my mind when she discreetly said,

"That way you can put your pillowcase on your pillow in England, and –"but I could no longer control myself for long enough for her to finish that sentence and I captured her lips in a deep kiss.

I felt her slowly begin to kiss my neck as she pressed her body against mine, and I struggled to hold back a moan as I shocked out,

"We…don't have to do anything, Clare. I'm happy just having you in my arms," not wanting her to feel any pressure just because it was my last night in town. We didn't do this type of thing very often, but…every time that we shared any intimate moment, it meant so much to me that she wanted it and that she trusted me like that. I was just a little worried about tonight because I always liked to take my time in the morning after she stayed over to make sure that she was calmed down and at peace with everything, and I knew tomorrow would be a bit of a scramble in the morning.

"Eli…just shut up," she cheekily said, and she headed into my bathroom, holding onto a tiny satin piece of fabric in her hand. When she came out, I could see that she had changed into a silky blue nightie that had white lace trim…and it drove me all kinds of insane at once. Clare slowly walked over to me and began unbuttoning my shirt at once as I leaned over her and gently laid her down on my bed, her splash of curls spreading over the white of my now bear pillow. I led her into a series of slow kisses as she slipped me out of my dress shirt, her entire body starting to quiver just a bit.

"Are you nervous? We can stop," I whispered, a little surprised to see her so unhinged so early on.

"No, Eli, it just feels…" she trailed off, and I wondered if she was thinking the same thing that I was…"Like the first time we got a little more intimate? When you came back from England?" and she nodded at once, which caused me to place a kiss on her forehead as I lay down beside her.

"Clare…are you….okay with doing this stuff? Ever since that night when you came back from England…I'm just realizing now that we didn't really talk about it anymore. And…you never explained to me how you felt about pushing the limits of the vow….does this count as breaking it or something?" I asked, a little panicked at this point.

"Eli, no, of course I'm okay with it," she said emphatically. "The vow…it's mostly because some things should be saved for marriage, and what we're doing isn't breaking it. What we're doing…is perfect for how I feel about it; I…don't want to have sex until I'm married…until…I'm ready for it, but…being with you like this, it's more than okay. I love it, Eli," she softly whispered, pulling me on top of her again and giving me many gentle kisses. I slowly moved to her neck again, and I then traced a trail of kisses along her collarbone as her soft moans encouraged me. Her hands were exploring my chest and fumbling with my belt, eventually causing me to take a deep breath and pull off my jeans with Clare's help.

As I got back on the bed, Clare crawled onto my lap and straddled me, placing a flurry of kisses all over my chest as my hands tightly gripped her hair and I tried to hang on for her. It was difficult to do that, even after all of this time, because even the slightest noise from her would just about send me over the edge. She slowly moved off of me and led me to lay down, continuing her trail of kisses slowly and sliding my boxers off as I gasped and wondered if there was any air in this room. Clare's movements were sharp and passionate, and I gently slid my fingers through her hair once and I became unable to control my moans as I felt myself lose all control, my body shaking as I uttered her and I felt Clare snuggle into me immediately and she gently ran her fingers through my hair and kept running her hand over my heart. I took a few minutes to regain my normal breathing pattern, and after scanning Clare's eyes and not finding a shadow of doubt, I gently flipped us over so her curls spread over my pillow again. I caressed her legs slowly, placing a series of kisses on them that started at their base and slowly moved to her thighs, her trembling getting only more pronounced as she even let out a tiny scream in response to a more aggressive kiss on my part as I lightly tugged at her skin with my teeth.

"I love you, Eli," I heard her breathily say, her breathing laboured and her chest heaving irregularly as her hands moved to her hair and her entire body developed a deep blush. I slowly ran my fingers over her chest, my own body trembling at the realization that she was not wearing a bra, and I urgently placed a series of kisses along her chest, feeling its every rise and fall and every reaction to my touch. Clare's moans were becoming louder and more frequent as she arched her back and she struggled to say,

"E-Eli….only-only you. Ever. _Only you_ can see and touch me like this," words that caused me to gulp and separate my lips from her body so I could capture her lips in a kiss.

"C-Clare…you're the only girl for me, I love you…so much," I replied, as I slowly lifted her nightie and ran my hands over her stomach before placing a series of kisses all along it, folding the soft material of her nightie on her chest, knowing she wouldn't like to be completely exposed. I felt her squirming underneath me as she was softly repeating my name, and I whispered,

"Do…do you want me to?" and I saw her nod at once, so I slowly, but assertively moved her panties aside and did everything I could do to make her feel loved and cared for, listening to her soft moans and watching her body's reactions for clues until I felt her entire body tense up as she screamed my name and tangled her fingers in my hair. After a moment of initial tension, all the muscles in her body relaxed as trembling overtook them, and I gently ran my hands all over her body, setting her nightie down over her stomach and waist. I kissed every shaking muscle until it stopped trembling, and Clare's gaze locked fiercely with mine as she gave me a deep kiss, her entire face flushed and her grip on me the strongest that it had ever been.

"How are you feeling?" I softly asked, because I knew that we were both experiencing a flurry of emotions right now.

"I'm perfect," she whispered, and she then raised her head and her striking blue eyes looked into mine as she gave me a soft smile.

She then softly whispered, "Eli…don't fall asleep, all right?" placing a gentle kiss on my piercing.

"I'm not going to," I assured her. I didn't want to waste any precious moments here, either.

"Good," she said with a smile as she interlocked the fingers of our left hands and cuddled a little deeper into me.

She was killing me. Just how am I supposed to leave her now?

Despite how hard I could tell that she was struggling to stay awake, she began drifting off soon, and there was just one moer thing I wanted to say to her, so I whispered,

"Don't forget about me, Clare". I knew she couldn't hear me, and that's how I wanted it to be.

"Eli…how could I forget you? I can't even see how I could ever be…anything but yours," she whispered back, completely shocking me.

No matter how much I tried to fight it, I felt a tear escape my eyes at that declaration. _Anything but mine. _

**Clare's POV**

_No. Not the sunlight rays. I wasn't supposed to fall asleep!_

"Go back to sleep, sweetheart," I head Eli softly whisper in my ear as he leaned over me. Why was he getting dressed already? He just had to swap the black shirt he wore to bed for a grey one and…he was ready to leave. Tears flooded my eyes when I realized that it was already nine am – I had slept in! I watched him double check that he had packed his passport and plane ticket as I pushed my hair out of my face and I got up at once. Why didn't he wake me up? Now I was behind, I thought as I tried to hold back my tears. I saw Eli sigh softly at me as his red, swollen eyes looked at me sadly. He came over to me and guided me back to the bed, wrapping me up in a warm embrace and running his hands in smooth circles along my back. He eventually pulled out, and his voice was raspy as he told me,

"Can I ask you for a favour?" and I nodded immediately.

"Be careful…when driving the Jeep, all right? Please don't go on the 401," and I felt a tear escape my eyes as I assured him I wouldn't. I knew he needed that comfort in this moment, and I really had no intention of doing such a thing – I loathed that killer highway. Eli slowly added, "And _please, _don't ever drive when you are upset".

I quickly stood up, scrambled to find my clothes, tearfully saying, "Five minutes. Just give me five minutes and I'll be ready," but I saw his face contort into a painful expression as he sighed.

"Clare," and my gaze locked with his as he pulled me onto his lap. He ran his fingers through my curls and I watched as his eyes became redder and tear-rimmed as he said, "I can't. I can't have you come with me to the airport," and my voice faltered as I incredulously asked,

"What? Why not?"

Eli hung his head ever so slightly as he answered, "Because…I won't ever be able to get on that plane if you're there".

I understood at once, but…this was it? He was already a little late, he'd be…gone in a few minutes?

"You stay here, Clare – my parents won't even be back until tonight," he added, but I was hiding my face behind my hands because I knew seeing me like this made Eli feel like a bullet had been shot right into his heart.

"Please don't cry," I heard him say. "I have a cab waiting outside," and I felt my heart sink even lower at that gesture of finality.

"Okay," I tearfully nodded, knowing it was what Eli needed right now, but I wasn't able to control my tears no matter how hard I tried, and it was through teary eyes that we shared a goodbye kiss, and it was through teary eyes that I followed him down the stairs and watched him leave the house head into the cab outside with a final heartbroken look my way.

And just like that…before I had even changed, he was gone. He wasn't holding me, or hugging me, or kissing me, and it was as if the depth of his absence was hitting me for the very first time.

I let my tears turn to sobs now that he was gone, and I ran back up to his room and hugged the shirt that he had worn to bed last night and left on his office chair to my chest. I quickly put it on over my nightie, inhaling his scent, and his under the black covers of his bed, leaning over to the night table to turn on his CD player and I played every single ACDC record that he had.

**Dr. Gifford's POV**

"You ready, son?" I asked Eli when he arrived at our airport meeting point perfectly on time. He greeted me politely and nodded at once.

It was clear that he had been…upset before getting here, and I couldn't help but wonder if that had anything to do with the fact that Miss Edwards wasn't here to see him off.

But as we were checking in at the British Airways counter and the nice young lady was looking over our passports and tickets, I saw Eli pull out his iPhone. His background image was one of Miss Edwards smiling brightly, her blue eyes lit up by the rays of the sun shining down on what looked to be the beach at Lake Ontario. I saw him type out a quick,

_I love you_, adding, _I don't see how I could ever see anything but yours_, and I couldn't help but smile at the romantic writer inside my grad student and research assistant. It was clear that my intelligent PhD student and my old bright student were determined to make this work.

**Clare's POV**

"Have a good dinner with Chris," I told Alli just as she was making her way to our apartment door.

"Pray for me, Clare, I'll need it – let's hope tonight won't end with a 'He's a very nice young man Alliah, and if he were Muslim he would be perfect,'" she finished with a frown.

"They're not really like that anymore, Alli. Look at how accepting they were of Sav's girlfriend," I pointed out.

"You're right," she agreed at once, quickly adding with a smile, "I can see that law school tuition is paying off, and it's only been a month since you started," and I just rolled my eyes in response.

Alli continued, "Anyway, I'd better get out of here, don't be around for your kissy-kissy phone call with Eli," she said, drawing out his name and earning a glare from me in response.

Her instincts turned out to be correct, however, as I heard my phone ring just a few minutes after she left and I picked it up eagerly.

"Good evening, milady," I heard Eli's voice say on the other end of the phone and just the sound of his voice brought a smile to my face. "How was class?" he asked, knowing a bit worried about doing well in my classes now that I had moved on to a post-grad level.

"They were good. I did well on that Constitutional Law midterm," I let him know, since he was the one dealing with all the stress that it caused me.

"I knew you would. You're going to do well in everything, Clare," he encouraged me.

"What are you up to today?" I asked him, well aware of the fact that although my day was ending, his was barely starting.

"Research in the library, class, research in the library. Hopefully with some time for eating in between there somewhere," Eli answered, and I knew that somewhere on the Oxford campus, Eli was smirking. "Dr. Gifford called my last submission to him 'excellent' though, so let's hope I'm on the right track here," he added.

"I'm convinced you are, Eli," I reassured him, and after we had updated each other on what we had done in the past couple of days, I softly told him,

"Eli? There's 54 more days until you come home for Christmas," and I felt the emotion in his faltering voice as he responded,

"I know, Clare. I know," and I placed a red X in the corner of today's square on my Toronto calendar and I knew that three thousand miles away, Eli was doing the same.

**Eli's POV**

"Excuse me, Sir – will the Piccadilly line take me to the Tower of London?" I asked one of the police officers at the Paddington Underground Station. I was venturing off the Oxford campus this Friday because I knew that was where they sold the official replica jewellery of the things Princess Diana always wore, and I could imagine this blue sapphire ring that she was always photographed with on Clare's finger. I'm no Prince of England, so I can't give her a real sapphire ring, but I am pretty sure I have seen the replica on girls' fingers here, and it looks really pretty and like it would perfectly match Clare's pretty eyes, so I'm going to go for it. That is – if I ever figure out how to get to the Tower of London first. It's pretty far from Big Ben and Whitehall and the usual tourist area.

The policeman gave me a polite and eloquent typical British smile and his entire face lit up when he heard that I was from Canada and that I was studying for the year at Oxford – this was everyone's reaction – delight at meeting other people from the Commonwealth, I guess.

"What you want to do son, is to take the Piccadilly Line for five stops, get off at Euston Station and change trains at Platform four – get on the Circle Line and that will take you to the Tower," he explained as he marked a map for me. Everyone in London was extremely helpful whenever you asked them a question, and this guy didn't disappoint, making sure to even give me the map and wish me a safe and pleasant trip.

I grabbed out the weird phone I was still not really used to – it just made me miss my iPhone, despite the fact that I had already been here for a month and a half; no one had told me that North American phones apparently don't work in Europe. It must have slipped Clare's min among the hundreds of pieces of advice that she did share with me. It didn't really bother me that much once I had been able to transfer the picture of Clare that I had a background to this European flip phone with its somewhat strange symbols.

I glanced at the time, and dialled the many digits that made up my favourite phone number in the entire world and I heard my favourite voice in the world quickly answer,

"Hi, Eli! Are you on the Underground?" she asked me at once, probably being able to hear the 'Please mind the gap' announcement the train played whenever it would reach a station.

"I am indeed. Thought I'd check out the Tower of London so I could fill out another page in my amazing travel guide," I suggestively told her, and I heard her laugh in response. "What are you up to? How was your day?" I asked her.

"Ugh, long and hard," she groaned, "So many readings," she continued, and I instantly felt guilty that my girl was going through one of the most rigorous academic programs without me there for support. She had emailed me her major assignments and after TAing for Dr. Gifford my proofreading and feedback skills were stronger, so I was able to at least help that way, but I still felt…not right.

"Scotty loved his LEGO set, by the way," she told me happily.

"Did you guys have a good birthday party?" I asked her, getting a visual of my girl hanging out with my boys.

"It was really fun. Angela made him a cake too – so he ended up with two – you should have seen how his eyes widened at that sight," she got out in between giggles.

I chuckled in response as I replied, "Smart move, Angela – getting on Scotty's good side like that," and Clare's laughter only got louder. God, her laugh. How I missed that. How I wished I could see her now…I longed to hug and kiss her and…

Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts as she continued,

"It's been pretty good news around here lately. With Scotty's birthday, Alli's parents approving of Chris, and…only thirty-one days until you come for Christmas," she said, her tone getting so much softer at the end of that sentence.

"I know, sweetheart. I know," I sighed, as I reached my transfer point and got off the train.

"Have a good night. Sweet dreams," I told her after we chatted a bit more.

"Have a good day, Eli. I love you," I heard her reply.

"Love you too, Clare. Love you too".

**Clare's POV**

"So for next day, please review Regina vs. Callaghan and be prepared to deliver a defense," Professor Jones reminded us before we made our way out of the lecture hall. I quickly made a mental reminder to try to get that done before the time for Eli's call so I could talk to him in peace, but then I could feel my phone vibrate in my jacket pocket. But that was strange – it would be…almost midnight for him, he didn't really call at that time. However, when I glanced at the display I could tell that it wasn't him after all; it was my mom. That was even stranger, because she never called me during the day – she was at work.

"Mom?" I asked confusedly as soon as I brought my phone to my ear.

"Sweetheart," I heard her breather, and I could tell something was wrong right away.

"Mom? What is it?" I pushed, knowing she was hesitating.

"It's your grandma, Clare. I'm at the hospital right now with her. You should come. It might be…time to say goodbye," I heard, my heart sinking at once, and I'm not sure how it happened – I thought I had a strong grip on them – but I saw my books and notes fall to the ground at once.

"I'm coming," I said at once, able to keep myself together just long enough to hear my mom's instructions on how to get to my grandma's room once I got to the hospital.

"You dropped your notes, Clare," I heard someone say and I looked up to see…Daniel. I knew his second year corporations class was just after mine in the lecture hall that I had just come out of, so…that's why he was here.

I felt all the blood drain from my face and I saw Daniel quickly scan my eyes and he softly said, "Clare…what's wrong? Are you all right?" and I whispered out, "My grandma…I need to go to the hospital. I need to…I have to go," desperately wishing that I could just stop being such a dishevelled mess and get on with my plan. What if…I didn't get there in time? No, no, that couldn't…

I snapped out of my trance as I felt Daniel take my bag gently off my shoulder and I heard him say,

"Come on, let's go, I'll drive you there," but I shook my head as I said,

"You have class now, Daniel".

However, he immediately countered at once,

"I'll get the notes off of a friend. Give me the keys to the Jeep. Clare…he'd never forgive me if I let you drive in this state," Daniel softly said, and I knew he had a point at once. I knew who the 'he' was referring to.

Daniel quickly but gently guided me to my residence's parking lot – I had kept my promise to Eli and I rarely drove – U of T was so close to everything, there really was no need.

He drove to the hospital carefully, but quickly, and when he led me to the room my mom had instructed me to head to, I saw my mom outside, waiting in the hallway, and I quickly told her Daniel's name – she knew of him but she had never actually met him.

My mom thanked him and then Daniel left, a look of worry still on his face as he gave the keys to the Jeep to my mom.

"You can go in, sweetheart," my mom said, and I did so at once, taking in the white and painfully small room. My grandma was lying in the tall, raised bed, wearing a hospital robe, and she had several IVs connected to her arm as well as others that were helping her breathe. I had managed to keep myself together up until this point, but when I saw my strong Nana looking so…weak and vulnerable, I lost all composure as I collapsed into a chair by her bed and grabbed her hand at once.

"Oh, sweetheart – hello," I heard her say softly.

"Nana…what's wrong?" I whispered, sounding like I was all of five years old.

"Heart attack, sweetheart," she whispered, struggling to inhale.

"Shh, shh, Nana, don't talk," I replied, not wanting her to over exert herself.

"Just like grandpa," she told me – he had passed away when I was really little, but I knew that's what had happened to him. "But it's over, you're okay," I said stubbornly.

"They have me here because they're scared it might happen again," she explained.

"It won't," I said at once.

"Oh, sweetheart…it's my time. It's just my time," she said in a perfectly calm tone. How could she be so okay with this?

"Nana…no," I told her.

"Clare…listen to me…be patient with Eli - he's a good young man and all he ever wants to do is to take care of you, so make sure you don't –" she started to say.

"_Don't _do that, Nana," I sternly told her, and she must have caught on to my distress because she stopped talking and just whispered a soft, "All right".

I soon convinced her to watch some TV, and after she quickly fell asleep. I heard my mom come in and she held out a cup of coffee to me. It didn't have an extra packet of sugar like I liked and how Eli always made sure to put in, but it did help me calm down somewhat.

My mom gently explained everything to me; how Nana was currently on blood thinners and she was being monitored closely by a team of cardiologists, and how she was in a crucial forty-eight to seventy-two hour period. The doctors had told my mom that Nana really was expected to have one, if not more heart attacks, and that they would deal with them as they would come.

No matter how much I argued with my mom, she refused to let me stay for the night and she also said I am excused from classes in her mind, but that I am to go back to campus every night to get notes and sleep there. She sternly told me that there was absolutely no negotiating on that point. Just as I was about to try one final protest attempt, the door to the hospital room opened and in walked…my dad. Mom had called him? He just held his arms out to both of us, and we both headed into them, my eyes flooding with tears all over again.

**Daniel's POV**

"Her mom had the car keys and she's safe, but…do we tell him, guys? She's in pretty bad shape," I told Imogen, Adam, Lana, and Alli around the Bulldog coffee table, enormously relived that they had all quickly responded to my frantic text.

"No, we don't. Eli couldn't handle that, he might lose it," Alli said at once, tapping her sharp nails along the table, creating a sound that was getting on my nerves. She seemed so sure…but she never gave me the most insightful vibe; I had only texted her as well because she was Clare's best friend. But this was a decision about Eli that I was trying to make here, and Alli didn't exactly strike me as the expert on him.

I saw Adam glance at me thoughtfully as he said, "I…disagree. He'd want to know. He'd feel…enormously guilty if he didn't. Eli doesn't need any more guilt, trust me," he added poignantly, and I agreed.

Lana quickly added, "You guys are all ridiculous," rolling her eyes. "It's _Clare. _She's hurting. Of course you tell Eli," and her perfect confidence definitely encouraged me.

Imogen reached for my hand and softly said, "Of course we tell him. Alli has a point – it will unnerve him for sure, but he needs to know. It's his girl – it would kill him if he didn't know about what was going on with her".

"You're right," Alli then thoughtfully said, "But I call _not _being the one to tell him," and I just rolled my eyes at her – she thought I'd even let her? As if. I was at least glad that she had finally stopped making that noise with her nails.

"I'm doing it, relax," I told her, excusing myself from everyone and finding a quiet spot on campus to deliver a phone call that I knew would shatter whatever semblance of peace Eli had been able to create for himself in London.

**Eli's POV**

_Daniel?_ Huh? _Calling me_? This phone didn't even have that number in it, but I recognized it. He's calling and not e-mailing? Strange. And at one in the morning? Maybe he doesn't understand the concept of time zones?

"Daniel?" I asked confusedly into the phone, getting out of bed and walking to the window. Awesome – it's raining outside. Again. "Is Imogen okay?" I quickly blurted out, wondering if he was calling for advice. I was three thousand miles away and I really hoped nothing had happened to her, because…advice would be the most I could do for Daniel from such a distance.

I heard him inhale deeply on the other end of the line, and then he said, "No, Eli – Imogen's fine. It's…Clare – her grandma," he said, and I felt my entire body shake a few times before I lost all feeling in my body at once; I just channelled all my energy on holding the phone up to my ear.

"What's wrong with her grandma?" I asked in a panic.

"Heart attack," Daniel deadpanned. "She's alive, Eli, but…she's in the ICU. Imogen says that means that they expect her to maybe have another heart attack. I drove Clare to the hospital – I ran into her in the law building just after she had found out – and she's okay, Eli, she really is. But…she's pretty distraught, man. Thought you should know as soon as possible and I figured she wouldn't want to call you so late and wake you, and neither did I…but I just thought you should know," he told me.

"_Damn right_ I should know!" I shouted into the phone – he had actually debated whether or not to t_ell me_?

"Sorry," I quickly said, not wanting to have an outburst at Daniel. This wasn't his fault and I was actually really grateful that he had called me. "Thanks man, really appreciate that you told me," and I quickly said goodbye to him. I tried sitting down on my bed but I couldn't, so I just got up and paced around my tiny dorm room. It was always freezing in these ancient English buildings, but right now I was completely unable to control my body's shaking as I barely managed to punch in Clare's cell number. It took her longer than usual, but she eventually picked up, breathing tearily into the phone.

"Oh, Clare," I sighed, holding back my own tears. "Daniel told me. How is she?" I asked, trying to keep my voice from breaking. I cared for Clare's grandma as well; she meant a lot to me. She gave me the feeling that…she understood my intentions for Clare.

_Not again. I don't want this to happen again. And not to Clare. And not when she's…along. Not when I am three thousand miles away. _

"She's…stable. I was going to call and tell you, Eli. I just thought you'd be sleeping still. I wasn't trying to hide anything from you," she said, her voice sounding so small and weak.

"I know, Clare, I know," I gently told her, because there was so much sincerity in her voice that I knew she fully intended to keep her promise to tell me if anything happens to her while I am…away. _God dammit, so far away. _

I stayed on the phone with her a little longer, but eventually I heard her mom in the background, asking her to hang up, and just like that, with one click…we were disconnected.

This is _exactly _why I hated this whole me leaving plan.

"God dammit," I yelled as I could feel my fists clench and I kicked my bed in an uncontrollable fit of anger. This is _exactly _why I loathed what I did. Because now…I had abandoned the girl I love at the worst possible time. I had told her – no, I had _promised her_ – that I'd never leave her alone and that's _exactly _what I ended up doing. I left her alone at the most terrible time in her life – the first time her life might be touched by…death.

**Alli's POV**

"Clare – please – I _just _made this soup. Please, you have to eat something," I begged her, following her into her bedroom and turning on the light so we could see through the darkness.

"I'm not hungry," she sadly said, sliding out of her skirt with slow, laboured movements, stripping her shirt off and putting on that black band shirt of Eli's that's the only thing she ever wears to bed. And since she's spent the last day and a half at the hospital and she's only here at night, it's all I've ever seen her in. It's a little big on her, but she just hugs it tightly to her chest and often sniffs it as she buries her entire body under her blankets. She thinks that that way, I won't be able to tell that she's sobbing, but she can't feel me that easily.

"Clare – "I started, but she tearfully cut me off at once, saying,

"Please, Alli – I just need some space," and I knew I needed to respect that right now, so I made my way out of her bedroom. I then opened the door to our suite and placed my key under the fire extinguished at the end of the hall discreetly before returning to my bed, desperately wishing Clare could pull through this.

**Clare's POV**

_Thank you, Alli. _

I just…can't talk to her right now. I tried breathing in deeper but…it was gone. His scent was gone. His shirt didn't smell like him anymore. It just smelled like…liliac now.

_She's not out of the danger zone yet. _The doctor's voice kept echoing through my mind, as my tears turned my pillow completely wet. My vision was foggy and I could no longer discern the red letters that made up the words 'Dead Hand' on the shirt I was wearing. I shut my eyes tightly, hoping tonight could just be over all ready as I let sleep over take me.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mmmm. I felt a few sobs escape me as I slowly opened my eyes and was immediately enveloped by the darkness of my bedroom. I shut my eyes tightly again…I didn't want to want to wake up – that was such a good dream; God granted my wish and allowed Eli's scent to return to me tonight. He must have known I really needed the strength that only Eli was able to give to me…I really needed it right now.

I opened my eyes again, so grateful that even with them opened I was still able to feel his scent overtake me, and it was only then that I felt…the _real _Eli hug me a bit tighter as he was…panting. I heard him whisper,

"Shh. Shh. Go back to sleep, Clare. I'm right here," and I quickly turned around in shock and…there he was, his piercing green eyes looking right at me, and his hair damp with sweat. He had obviously just kicked his shoes off – they were at the side of my bed – and wrapped me up in an embrace just a moment ago – he even still had his leather jacket on.

"Eli?" I asked in confusion, the fact that he was…here still not completely registering with me. I returned his embrace at once and I immediately buried my face in his neck as tears streamed down my face – it w_as _him…he was right here – that was _Eli's_ scent enveloping me, it was _his_ touch on my arms and it was _his_ kiss on my forehead.

"You came…." I gasped tearfully. It was…an immense journey to embark on from one minute to the next.

"Shh, Clare, shh. Get some rest. Of course I came," he whispered, still panting significantly.

"But…how?" I asked in shock. "It was only a little over twelve hours ago that we were talking on the phone".

I felt him gently run his fingers through my curls in that way of his that I found so incredibly soothing, and he softly said,

"Shh, it's okay. I caught the red-eye midnight flight out of London Heathrow," but then he scrunched up his eyebrows and frowned as he added, "Or…it was the red eye going by London time anyway – I guess I was flying as it was daytime here," he said. But…

"They have a direct flight to Toronto at that time?" I asked him.

"Not exactly," he softly said, "but you know how helpful everyone over there is – British Airways put me on a flight to Amsterdam, and then I did Amsterdam Schiphol – New York JFK, and then New York JFK – Toronto Pearson, but I couldn't find a damn cab, so I ended up being even later because I had to hop on a bus and then on the streetcar and it dropped me off at the west end of campus, and then –"

"And then you ran here," I finished for him, understanding at once why he was panting so heavily.

He quickly nodded and then just gently whispered –

"Shh. You go back to sleep now. I'm here now. I've got you, Clare," as he held me tighter, and I felt so…incredibly well looked after and protected. I knew Eli would never leave me alone – but this was three planes, and he didn't even seem to have a backpack with him.

"Did you leave…just the way you were?" I asked him.

"All I needed was my passport and wallet, I mean clothes and everything else – it was like…whatever," he shrugged, "I was flying home after all," he explained.

"Oh, Eli," I tearfully sighed, realizing that he had…literally dropped everything and…ran to me. Over two continents and an ocean.

"What's Dr. Gifford going to say?" I asked him in fear.

"He encouraged me to, Clare. Said I can have all the time I need," Eli answered me, afterwards kissing my forehead again.

"Eli…last minute flights from Europe aren't cheap," I pointed out, the magnitude of what he had done also hitting me on an economic level.

"Don't you worry about that. I had enough," he said, but…just because he had enough doesn't mean I could just shrug it off. Eli must have been able to pick up on that, as he then said, "Clare…I wanted to. I worked all summer, money wasn't going to keep me away. It was the last thing on my mind," he softly said before he pulled me a bit closer and whispered,

"How's she doing?"

"She's stable for now. But she's not out of danger yet," I said, repeating the doctor's words to him.

"Okay, okay, sweetheart. Shh…let's try to get some sleep," Eli said, and I told him it would be okay if he wanted to take off his jacket and his pants, and after double checking with me, he did so. I snuggled against him, slipping his hands under the shirt that was really his, and draping them around my waist as Eli always did. I knew he was a little hesitant to do that himself under these circumstances, but I needed his warm touch right now…I could still barely believe that he was here. I leaned in to give him a slow kiss, whispering, "Eli…thank you. I love you so much," as I pulled away.

"Of course, Clare. Now go back to sleep. I'm not going anywhere," he softly told me, and I held onto him even tighter as I shut my eyes.

**Helen Edwards' POV**

I woke up with a jolt that moved the cold hospital chair that I had spent the night in, bumping it into the one that Randall had spent the night in. I hadn't expected him to do such a thing, but after he drove Clare back to campus, using Eli's car at her request, he shocked me by returning and announcing that he was staying for the night. My mom wasn't his biggest fan since our divorce, but they really hadn't talked since then.

I looked up, expecting to see a nurse or Clare, but never expected to see Clare _and _

"Eli?" I asked in astonishment. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, but…

"How is this possible? I thought you were in London – at Oxford," I heard Randall say, looking just as confused as I was.

Eli just shrugged as he answered, "I was. Twenty hours ago. Now I'm here," and I saw Clare take his hand.

"You flew in last night?" I asked him, realizing that he had done this…for my daughter.

Eli just nodded and said, "Or day…or…I'm not really sure anymore. Point is, I made it here," the time difference obviously just hitting him.

Randall stared at Eli in amazement but Eli's gaze was only on Clare. He pulled a chair next to my mom's bed for Clare and he must have also noticed her shivers, because he then took off his leather jacket and placed it around my daughter's shoulders.

"Eli…this is incredible. How did you get here so fast?" Randall asked.

Clare spoke up, "He took three planes. Left right after my phone call and after he got permission from the professor he's working for," and Eli just nodded, taking in the room slowly. After everything I knew he had been through in only twenty-three years of life, I could only imagine that being in a hospital wasn't easy for him, but…the fact that Eli would do anything for my daughter had never registered with me as deeply as it was in this moment.

Randall moved closer to Eli and softly said, "Eli…son, if you have that plane ticket charged to a credit card, I would like it if you let me pay it off," an offer which I thought was very appropriate. Eli was a student, living abroad for a year on top of what I'm sure is a pretty hefty grad tuition, and Randall was a well-established lawyer.

However, Eli didn't seem to agree with me; he shook his head at once and said, "Absolutely not, Sit. I never even charged it to a credit card, I've already paid it. I have enough money to come home," he said, sounding just a bit offended, so I was glad Randall backed off.

I handed Eli a chair so he could sit next to Clare and he did so, and she soon leaned into his embrace as he placed his arm around her. Randall and I went back to the chairs that we had spent the night in. Mom slept peacefully all morning, and when Randall and I told Clare to come get lunch with us, she gave me the same answer that she also had given me yesterday, and I saw Eli look at me at once, his face falling with worry.

Randall and I watched as he took Clare's hand and I could hear him whispering to her, "Clare…you've got to eat something. Please. Please, come down to the lunchroom with me and we can get something together, okay? I'm pretty hungry after all that travel, never stopped to eat," and I admired his little technique – because it was immediately successful as she looked up at him and nodded.

I noticed Randall staring at Eli all throughout lunch; he studied Eli as he gently guided Clare down to the lunchroom, keeping his hand on her lower back as he patiently walked her through the cafeteria counters, asking about every single item and making sure she compiled a decent-enough meal. We both watched as Eli grabbed Clare's utensils for her, and even poured her some berry juice into a paper cup – knowing Clare didn't like drinking straight out of the can. Eli ate very little himself, I noticed…probably because he was just about one step away from basically spoon feeding Clare. I knew he could tell just how sad and disconcerted my daughter was right now…and I also knew that Eli understood grief and uncertainty very well. It was….truly touching how he wasn't forcing her to speak, how he wasn't throwing advice her way, but how he was just…there for her, attending to her every need and gently holding her hand.

When we returned to mom's room, it was about half an hour before we saw mom slowly wake up, and she quickly demonstrated high spirits – smiling at everyone before widening her eyes once her gaze fell on Eli. She exclaimed,

"Well, I'll be damned – aren't you supposed to be in London at Oxford, Eli?" and he shot her that crooked smirk of his as he answered,

"Just came home for a bit ma'am," but I knew that he couldn't fool mom that easily. Sure enough, she immediately softly said,

"You came to be with my granddaughter…because you were worried about her," and Eli gave her a small smirk in response. Mom then continued, "All right then – everyone out; go get a cup of coffee – I want to talk to just Eli," and I encouraged everyone to listen to her instructions. Eli, for one, didn't seem fazed by her request at all.

**Grandma Edwards' POV**

"Eli," I said quietly after everyone had left, and he came and stood really close to my bed.

"You should rest," I heard him softly say, his green eyes flooded with concern.

"I'm a grown woman, Eli, don't you tell me what to do," I played with him as she shot me an apologetic smirk in response.

I exhaled deeply once, moving my gaze to the skyscrapers in the distance of downtown Toronto as I softly told him,

"You really care about my granddaughter, Eli. You'd do anything for her – that I've always known," and he just looked at me, warmth and compassion in his eyes.

"I love Clare," he said.

"I know you do, Eli. I've known that ever since the first time that you visited my home and you told me that everything you ever wanted to do was to take care of her. So I need you to explain to her that it's just my time –" I started, but he uncharacteristically cut me off at once.

"No," he gritted. "You're wrong. It's _not_ your time. I'm certain that it's not," he said, his eyes definitely a little misty as I shot him a confused look. How could this twenty-two year old boy be so sure of something that I am not so sure of myself?

"How can you know that, Eli? Just in case, I need to tell you to not give up on Clare if she ever gets –"I tried, but he interrupted me again, showing a potent stubbornness that reminded me so much of my granddaughter's.

"I know because…you need to be at me and Clare's wedding," he deadpanned, and I couldn't help but softly gasp at Eli expressing the same thought that had been running through my mind since I had been brought to the hospital.

"Eli…" I softly said, taking in how…exhausted he looked. "All right, Eli. All right then. I'll be there," and I saw his entire body fall with one huge exhale as he softly let out, "Of course".

"So when do you think this wedding might be happening?" I played with him.

"After I finish my PhD, after Clare graduates from law school…we'll probably need a little bit of time to get settled, save some money – I want…I want to be able to prove that I can care for her and for a family," he said, with a faint blush on his cheeks. "As soon as I can do that – it'll be up to her if and when she wants to become my wife," he finished.

"Oh, she'll want to Eli. Trust me. She'll want to," I told him, gazing out at the window and wondering if Eli knew how Clare had always wanted a close family. Something told me…that he knew that very well.

**Helen Edwards' POV**

"Thanks, Eli," I told the young man just before he was about to leave and drive Clare home for the night. I noticed that he took an awkward moment to assure me that he'd be going home for the night; it had completely escaped my mind that Eli wouldn't have registered for on-campus housing at all this year; since he was spending both semesters at Oxford.

I then asked him, "Do your parents even know you're home, Eli?" realizing that he had gone straight from the airport to the hospital and stayed with Clare all in between.

Eli shot me a small smirk and replied, "I didn't want to alarm them until I knew more – I'm going to give them a call before I just go home – I think I'd really scared my mom if I was just…chilling at home when she got home from work".

I saw Clare hang onto him tighter and I saw her look around – and I knew at once that she was scanning the hall for her father, but she was in luck – he had just gone downstairs to get a coffee for me and one for himself.

"Mom. I don't want to stay alone. I want Eli to stay with me, just so you know," and I saw Eli widen his eyes in horror at Clare's outburst, blushing about ten different shades of red. Clare had told me that he had slept over before, and if it had been with any other boy but Eli I am pretty sure I would have entered her into a convent right away. But…Eli – I knew he wasn't about to do anything inappropriate with Clare, not because I was convinced that he was some sort of super college boy; I'm sure he w_anted to_. However, I also knew that the last thing Eli ever wanted to do was to lose Clare – and…I knew that he realized that if Clare would be forced to deal with the aftermath of breaking her vow, no matter how much she genuinely and wholeheartedly loves Eli…it would place an irreversible strain on the relationship and I knew Eli didn't want that risk.

"All right, you two," I sighed, and I heard Eli assertively respond,

"Miss Edwards, I assure you that I'm not looking to –" but I cut him off with a wave of my hand as I said,

"It's all right, Eli. I trust you will take good care of my daughter," shooting him a strict glare just in case.

"Of course," he responded at once, and the two were off pretty soon.

Just a few minutes later, I saw Randall enter the room and he held out a paper cup to me. I took a sip and absent mindedly said out loud, "Double-double with soy milk. Can't believe you remembered".

Randall replied, "It hasn't been that long, Helen".

"Six years," I sighed, more to myself than to Clare's dad. "You should go home," I continued, folding out the creases in my skirt.

"You've already been here so long," I pointed out.

I then saw Randall move into the empty chair next to me; once Clare and Eli had left, I had occupied the same chair that she had sat in, and Eli's had been left free for Randall to sit in.

I was a little taken aback at the way in which he fixed his stare on me and as he took my hand in between both of his, I was outright shocked as I watched him slowly whisper,

"What if…I wanted to be here longer? Would you…consider that?" and his look and tone told me that he was referring to more than just the hospital.

I pulled my hand away from his as I continued, "We got a divorce. Six years ago. You had your choice back then," I sternly reminded him.

I shakily whispered, "We shook our own daughter's life foundation out from under her – leaving a sixteen year old boy to pick up the pieces of the mess we created because we were too blind to put together what _we _broke. He was the only one who could see it needed to be done and took upon himself, and you know how unwell he was at the time himself. It's no wonder the girl never thought the love she and Eli had could weather when things went downhill for them".

I wiped my eyes quickly as I quickly made my way out of the room, all the shame of what I had done to my daughter collapsing onto me all over again. I saw that Randall followed me, and I tried to hide the fresh tears that had appeared, because I didn't want to look ridiculous. Being in this hospital with mom barely out of the danger zone, him asking me that question…it was all too much.

"Helen, wait," he said, gently taking my arm and turning me around to face him, eventually guiding me to sit down next to him on the empty hospital bed that was next to the wall in the hallway.

I saw Randall exhale deeply before he slowly said, "I…don't know why I acted like that. When you had noticed that something was wrong and you were trying to fix it. I don't know why I acted like…I didn't have a single thing to lose, when in reality, I lost the most important thing there is in life…my family".

"Well, that's just the way it goes sometimes, I guess," I told him, saying that because I didn't know what else to say, adding, "It wasn't only your fault. I'm willing to accept half of the blame, or of the responsibility if you will, as well. But no more than that. It takes two people for a marriage to fall apart the way ours did," I pointed out.

I saw Randall's eyes get a little misty as he said, "Did you see…how Eli acted with Clare…and I don't even mean the fact that he dropped everything and flew home the second he found out she was majorly upset…I mean just at lunch. Did you see how he…looked after her? Hung on to her and protected her?" and I nodded at once. It wasn't the first time I had seen Eli do such a thing; sure, it was a lot more pronounced this time, because the circumstances were much more extreme, but…Eli always had a way of acting with Clare, and 'protective' would be the right word indeed.

"Of course," and I knew where Randall was going with this and I wasn't so sure he was correct, so I quickly added, "But Eli…would never not want to spend time with Clare," referencing to the thing that had first tipped me off that something was gravely wrong.

"I know that," Randall responded, and his eyes got even mistier as he said, "But it made me realize something, Helen. Eli and Clare…worked everything out. It took time apart and a few years, but…they were able to push through everything," and his voice broke as he continued, "Today, I watched a twenty-three year old college kid –" he started, but I shook my head and said,

"Not really a fair characterization of Eli; he's always been mature for his age. He's had to grow up fast – his teenage years were made up of one trauma after another," I pointed out.

"I know that," Randall acknowledged, "but still, Helen. I watched a twenty-three year old college kid give me a lesson on…what it means to really be a man. And it didn't hit me until I saw…Eli. How he treats Clare. I thought a lot about our divorce, you know. Stayed up every night for a year, even longer, searching for an answer. But…Eli showed it to me today. I want to…I want to act like a real man, too. And I'm hoping you could find the forgiveness in your heart and praying to God to put some love back into your heart so that…you would consider giving me another chance," he said as my heart raced in my chest.

I was silent for a long time, but when Randall said,

"So…we could fix our family. We can do it, Helen. We can find trust again," I had to warn him,

"If…we do this, and it doesn't work – it will destroy Clare. Not even Eli will be able to put the pieces of that shattering earthquake back together," and I saw Randall tearfully nod in response.

"I know that; that's why it's taken me so long to ask. Because I wanted to be completely sure. But when I saw Eli…and how he acted – I just didn't want to wait anymore, Helen. The ball is in your court; if you want to do this with me – to put our family back together, I'm here. Leaving's not an option for me anymore. We stood in front of God and everybody and talked about the ties that would not break – and I really regret that they did break…but maybe we can sew them back together somehow," Randall continued.

After everything that he had said, I only had one word to say to him.

"Okay," I whispered, and he pulled me into an embrace at once.

**Eli's POV**

"Wow, Clare – that's amazing. How do you feel right now?" I asked her, a little surprised that her parents reconciliation had happened so fast.

Now that her grandma was back at home and safely out of danger…this was also happening? I knew a lot of thought must be running through her mind, but most of all I just really hoped that her parents were taking this whole reunion thing seriously, because if they were going to play games with it, I knew it would shatter Clare – lead her to do impulsive things in an effort to get her mind off of it…and I wouldn't be here to help her deal with everything. Dr. Gifford had told me to contact him after a week just to check in, and although I had only been in Toronto for four days now – I wanted to see Clare return to classes – I…think I should return to London now. I'm missing a lot of work; Dr. Gifford and I had established a good rhythm and I know his plate must be filling up a lot faster without me around.

"I….am so happy, Eli," she said, wrapping me up in a tight embrace.

She reacted to his news just as I thought she would, of course, but a part of me can't help but still be a little worried.

"Clare…if something happens, call me, okay? I don't care what time it is for me, hearing from you is better than all the sleep in the world. If anything changes, I'd like to hear it from you and not from Daniel," I told her, leaving out the part where I knew I had to thank my lucky stars for Daniel having run into her in the law school building right after she heard about her grandma in the first place.

"I promise," I heard her whisper. I then heard her shyly say,

"You're…thinking about going back now?" and I pulled out of our embrace just a little as I shrugged and said, "I…have to, Clare. I'm afraid if I don't leave soon, I'll never gather the strength to do it…and then I can kiss my degree good-bye, Dr. Gifford would be so furious".

"When would you be flying out?" she asked me.

"There's…the same flight I took coming in in reverse leaving tonight," I shared with her, and I watched as her face fell at once.

"You'd have to do two connections?" Clare inquired.

"A stopover in New York and another one in Amsterdam, yeah, but I mean it doesn't really mean anything other than just a couple more stamps on my passport," I told her with a small smirk, not wanting her to feel guilty.

"Stopovers are exhausting," she said at once…I should have known I wouldn't really be able to fool her.

"It's just…what's gotta be in order for me to get back," I said with an exhale. "It seems like a never ending journey," I admitted, "but…I should get started on it, and it will eventually come to an end. I…don't want to leave you, Clare," I honestly told her, "but I'm worried about the back log of work – everyday it would be piling for me, and the travel and time difference will basically tack on two more days," I explained, ending my thoughts with a kiss on her forehead.

"I know," she sighed. "Are you going home to pack?" she asked.

"Yeah, I figure I'll actually fly with a proper suitcase this time around, and there's a couple of things I've missed anyway. I never really brought a proper jacket – I'd like to bring my other leather one as well, it's a lot warmer than this one, and it's freaking cold in England," I said, and Clare giggled in response, telling me she could remember that.

"Eli…there's only thirty-one more days until you come for Christmas again," she pointed out.

"I know, Clare, I know," I confirmed, leaning in for a slow and patient kiss.

"Can you…can you leave another one of your shirts here for me?" she shyly asked, and she ultimately decided to come ver herself so she could select whatever one she wanted and to help me pack.

**Dr. Gifford's POV**

"Well, Eli, only half of a semester left before we head back home to Toronto – has it been excruciatingly painful working for me?" I asked my research assistant with a laugh as I was packing up the last things in my office. Tomorrow was the start of the week-long reading break, and I wouldn't be staying in London.

"It's been a pleasure working for you, Sir. I have learned so much – I got to study at Oxford for crying out loud," Eli said, sincerity flooding his voice. "This chance, Sir…what you have done for me – it is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for me, and I will never be able to thank you enough. You…set up the most important leg of my education for me, Sir, and arranged it so perfectly," he continued, and his emotion was overwhelming me. I knew Eli was really grateful for the special way in which he got to complete his PhD, but he also had to understand that…

"Eli…son, you deserve it. You have helped me so much since September – it would have taken me two years to write this book without your help," I honestly told him. "You're not heading home or around Europe during spring break?" I asked him, a little saddened by the fact that Eli didn't seem to plan to do anything special for the vacation. I knew that it was hard for him as he didn't really have any friend here; grad students were so busy and they were discouraged from making friendships beyond the classroom with the students they taught. Eli got along pleasantly with all of the other students in the PhD program, but the nature of his work was rather different as it was so closely aligned with helping me complete all the research that is to go into my book, so Eli spent a lot of time focusing on his own projects.

**Eli's POV**

"I think I'm just going to enjoy the quiet campus while everyone is away – it's so beautiful here," I responded to Dr. Gifford, and even if I wholeheartedly did believe the Oxford campus was stunning, I didn't really want to include the more prominent reason as to why I was not going home for spring break. I had always planned on doing it, as it would have been so good to only take it two months at a time and be able to have a quick trip home for a week in February, but…seeing how I flew home in early November when we had that scare with Clare's grandma…another flight wasn't in the budget. I had spent the money that I had allocated for my spring break trip home for that emergency. But I definitely didn't regret it. Helping Clare through it – even if there's only so much that you can help a person with in that type of a situation – was exactly where I should have been.

"Well, all right then, Eli – have a good week," Dr. Gifford told me with a small smile right before I left his office.

"Have a fun trip to Spain with your family, Sir," I told him, and I couldn't help but be a little envious of the good time that I knew he was going to have. His wife and daughter and son in law were all flying in from Toronto to spend the break with him in sunny Spain, an image that when compared to my little cold grey dorm room…seemed rather superior.

As I made my way out of his office and began walking through the cobblestone pathways of Oxford back to my residence, I decided to stop feeling so sorry for myself – I had a lot of work to do over spring break and if I got it all done, I wanted to head up to Liverpool on the train. I figure that if I'm in England, I should at least to go the first pub they played – The Cavern – and but Bullfrog and Cece some souvenirs, and I also knew Clare's dad liked them as well, so I'm sure I'll be able to also find something that he might like.

I knew the train to Liverpool was only about sixty pounds, I had checked on-line last night, and sixty pounds was definitely not a thousand dollars like airfare to Toronto, so I think that maybe I could just –

_Oh My God. That's not…It can't possibly be…_

"Clare?" I shouted from far away, because even if her face wasn't completely discernable, there was no confusing that figure and those curls…waiting outside the bench of my residence building.

As she quickly stood up and left her black purse on the bench and began running at me with a huge smile on her face….I could barely believe that I wasn't dreaming and picked up my jaw up off the floor as I also began running to her and quickly picked her up in my arms, squeezing her perhaps a bit tighter than I should have as she let out an excited squeal and kissed me at once.

"How did you….?" I started, shaking my head at her incredulously.

"I…have reading break too, silly. And I wanted to come see you. And I did. _You _might have a problem accepting money from my dad for flights – but I sure don't," she said with a giggle, slipping her arms under my leather jacket and running her hands all over my chest.

"I love you. This is so amazing, Clare. I can't believe you came all the way over here," I said, still completely shocked to be able to see her…talk to her…hold her, and hug and kiss her.

"I wanted to see you, Eli. I wanted to…show you England, just like I always promised I would," she softly said, and I couldn't help but steal another kiss when I saw how much that promise meant to her.

Clare continued, "And…I knew the name of your residence hall and your schedule, so I knew how to time my flights and everything," she explained, as I guided us away from the February cold of London and inside my dorm room.

"It's so…English," Clare stated as she took in the tiny, really tall room and I frowned in response.

"I know, it's a little depressing, but I spend most of my time in the library, and that place is gorgeous and historic," I told her as she smiled at the Toronto calendar that I had on my desk, and I saw her draw pink hearts in the corner or every day of reading week as she whispered, "I'm here for….this many days," marking five little boxes, "and…I want to spend every second with you," she said with a smile.

"Let's go to Liverpool and…Paris!" I blurted out. "If I got us tickets, would you come?" I asked her.

"Eli…if you got us tickets to the moon, I would come," she boldly replied, slowly pushing me onto the bed.

**Clare's POV**

"Okay – so there's something about taking the train through the English countryside," I sighed as I leaned deeper into Eli's embrace in the empty train compartment – "It's…like something out a novel," I continued, frowning at Eli for focusing on his readings and not on…me. I pulled them away from his hand and traded them for a few kisses that left him happily smirking and announcing that he had plenty of time to finish them later. He then quickly pulled me onto his lap as I let out a few giggles, glad that we were the only ones in this section.

"So many soccer fields," Eli pointed out. "But it makes sense, it's like their hockey over here," he continued.

"Chelsea. You're staying at Oxford, most people cheer for Chelsea," I informed him, the time that I had spent at the newspaper with Mathew coming in handy – he was a really big soccer fan.

"Definitely the _first _thing that Mathew told me to do once I told him about London," Eli said with a smirk, and I took a deep breath, preparing to do something I…knew I had to.

"Eli…do you remember when I was on exchange over here, and…Mathew was too?" I started, and I saw a look of worry flash across his face at once.

"Yes…?" he slowly said.

"It was…really the first time that I realized…how you had a really good point about how boyfriends need to protect their girlfriends. I knew that…even if you couldn't be here, you had asked Mathew to keep an eye on me, and this one time, when this guy was bothering me and my friend at a bar that we went to because we wanted to catch this really big rugby game, Mathew told him off," I explained.

I felt Eli pull out of our embrace as he said, "_What?_ How come you never told me about this before?" he shot at once.

"Mathew said he didn't want you to worry," I replied at once, worried that….telling him had been a bad idea after all.

"Clare, look at me," Eli sternly said, "I…know that me telling you that it's important for boyfriends to protect their girlfriends wasn't going to do it – but…I don't want us trying all these different options in order for you to finally see that," he continued, and….I knew he had a point.

"I know, Eli," I softly said, "And I'm sorry. I know I was stubborn," I added regretfully.

"Clare," Eli continued, his voice a little hoarse, "Never again, all right? The past…is the past, but…promise me you'll take care to not put yourself in that kind of a situation _ever again_," he asked and I nodded at once.

"Never again, Eli. I learned my lesson," and he opened his arms for me and I retreated into them at once, as we spent the rest of the train ride letting the sun's rays warm our skin and we counted the number of Tescos along the way – I now can say with authority that between London and Liverpool there are six Tescos, if you go through the Runcorn direction – and smiled at the number of sheep that were out at pasture from the many farms along the route as well.

Two hours later, the train pulled into Liverpool City Centre, and as it was Saturday, the city was absolutely alive. Eli and I went to The Cavern and looked at all the pictures that lined the walls of the bar of the Beatles at a very young age, and we then made our way to the Official Beatles store where Eli did some shopping. He patiently waited for me to do some shopping at Liverpool One, the large outdoor mall that people flocked to every weekend, and I made sure to pick up some of the pretty English headbands for Alli; the ones over here were so much more sophisticated than the ones we had back home. After a fish and chips dinner, Eli and I walked along the many docks, spending a lot of time at the one from which the Titanic sailed in nineteen twelve, and we also decided to check out the Merseyside Maritime Museum. That last-minute decision on our part turned out to be an incredible one, because it had so much information that neither Eli nor I knew, and I really felt that only a_fter _learning it all could we truly say we knew Liverpool.

As dusk fell, Eli reminded me that the last train for London was leaving at seven, so we made our way back to the train station – another of the things that I loved about Liverpool was that it truly felt like a hidden gem; unlike intense London, it was so calm and peaceful and although people had a really difficult to understand Scouse accent, they were incredibly friendly, and just like all Brits, they loved hearing about Canadians visiting England. You could walk everywhere and there were arrows pointing you in the right directions, something that London was truly lacking.

"Are you ready to leave the land of gingers, Clare?" Eli said as he ruffled my curls playfully – his observation was rather correct; it seemed that everyone who was from Liverpool had gorgeous strawberry hair and freckles, and Eli had been teasing me about he would have to look after me really well in this city just in case the Liverpool residents 'decided they wanted to keep me,' as he put it, since he insisted that my own hair had a bit of a reddish tint to in, especially in the sun.

Once he repeated that little theory of his, I decided to play with him a little as I said,

"Maybe they'd want to keep me so I could help them produce more ginger babies – if I have a child with someone with…say, black hair – the recessive gene won't be expressed. It's a shame really, red-haired babies are so cute, I'd really like to have one," but the look of sadness on Eli's face when he heard that made me regret my comment at once.

"No, Eli, I was just kidding," I said at once, stealing a kiss from him.

"I know," he said nervously, as I intertwined the fingers of our left hand together.

I stepped in front of his path slowly, and I could feel my face blazing as I finally shared with him that…

"Eli…if…I'm ever lucky enough to have a child, I…hope it looks like…you. Like…his or her dad. If…you want that," I stumbled out.

Eli's green eyes focused on me more intensely that I had ever previously seen them do as he softly replied, "That…would be the greatest joy of my life, Clare," and he gently kissed my cheek.

"Hmmm. Maybe someday," I replied as I gave his hand a squeeze and we completed our walk towards the train station.

**Eli's POV**

"Wow. It really is beautiful from up here," I told Clare, placing an arm on either side of hers as she was leaning onto the edge of the railing at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

"It's….breath taking. I've wanted to be up here ever since I was a little girl and Darcy showed me a picture of it in a magazine," she said.

"I'm glad we made it. I never would have come here if you hadn't come to London," I sincerely told her.

"Clare," I gently whispered, and she turned around just like I hoped she would. "I got you something a while ago, and I was hoping I could give it to you now," I started, but I _really _didn't want her to misinterpret what I had gotten her and freak out, so I quickly added, "It's in a ring box, but it's not an engagement ring or anything like that," and I was happy to see her giggle in response.

"Elijah Goldsworthy proposing on top of the Eiffel Tower?" she said with a tiny smirk of her own as I rolled my eyes in response and said, "Come on, Clare. Give me a little more credit – I'd never do anything that…done before," I explained as her giggles turned to laughter.

"Open it," I softly told her, holding out the small square velvet box to her. She gently took it from my hands and did so, breathless exclaiming,

"This is…Princess Diana's ring," and the way her eyes lit up at the sight let me know that she liked it.

"Um…not exactly. Pretty sure that not only is her ring millions of dollars, but that after she passed away her son Prince William inherited it and it now rests on the hand of his wife Kate Middleton who I hear will be Queen one day," I replied, having been exposed to more than enough Royal family gossip for a lifetime in my time in England.

"It's just a replica. Do you like it?" I asked her as I began slipping it on the same finger that her purity ring rested on. I was a little surprised to see Clare say, "Wait," and she switched her purity ring to the other hand and encouraged me to place the blue sapphire replica ring on the finger previously occupied by the ring that had rested there for years. I couldn't help but remark that…the only ring she now had on her left hand was…one that I had gotten her.

"Eli…I love it. It's so incredibly…exquisite. Of course it is, Princess Diana was the most elegant and refined lady that ever lived," Clare asserted, and I wondered if she remembered that in my letter to the Centennial Foundation, I had established a connection between Princess Diana and Clare's kind heartedness because…they seemed to share a certain congruency in my opinion.

"Well, you're a Diana too," I whispered in her ear before kissing her piercing, meaning that on a number of levels, not just one the level of her name.

_Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Toronto Pearson International Airport. Please be advised that all unattended luggage will be immediately discarded. _

God dammit, this is the last time that I will e_ver _have to hear that announcement, I thought to myself as I headed for the big sliding doors separating the passengers from family and friends waiting for them in a rush.

After I walked through the doors, dragging my suitcase behind me, I…saw her at once. She was wearing a gorgeous purple dress and a leather belt under a navy jean jacket, and she was in my arms at once, hitting my entire body with a soft impact as the sweet scent of lilac enveloped me.

"God, finally," she exclaimed breathlessly before she took the lead on a heated kiss that she didn't pull out of for a very long time, and when she did, it was only to be met with a series initiated by me. As I moved my hands to her lower back, I heard her groan, sounding just a bit frustrated before I felt her hands grip my shoulders and she jumped up, linking her legs around my waist as my hands moved to her waist in order to properly support her.

"Clare…I love you so much," I breathed in between kisses.

"I love you too, Eli. Don't you ever leave me again," she quickly said and I assured her at once that I planned on doing no such thing.

After a few more playful kisses, I gently helped her gain her footing onto the airport floor, leaning in to whisper into her ear, "Mmm…I _love_ airport Clare," a comment that caused her to blush and to throw a mischievous wink my way.


	41. Making Memories of Us

**Hi lovely readers, **

**I know you have been waiting for this for a long time and I apologize. In my defense I did give you a long story and finish They Didn't Have To Be in the meantime, but you are all friends, you understand. I will most likely go into a crazy rant here, so if you only care about the story, scroll down. **

**So WHY did it take me this long? Well, this is me during Now or Never: **

'**Okay, okay, this is just crap we need to get through in order to make things better, next week will be better, next week will be better…'**

**AND THEN YESTERDAY HAPPENS. Basically, I feel like the writers decided to go 'Screw you all,' with that episode. Now, maybe I have been living on a different universe, but last night I felt like the actors got handed the scripts to a different show or something like that. **

**I understand the point of Eli's little thing was to show he wants Clare happy, he's all better (magically in one therapy session with a diagnosis that only SORT OF makes sense), but…that was beyond strange to me. Eli can want her happy and stay away; now THAT would have made sense to me. To see Eli humiliate himself in front of Jake and then to have him watch a lovefest between the girl everyone knows he still loves (Jake and Clare included) was too much for me. The best part is that, **_**will**_** Jake make Clare happy? For once in now or never, she thought lucidly 'oh if this idiot won't even take me to a movie, maybe that's a bad sign' and I wish Eli had never interfered. Jake, like the fabulous guy that he is, chose to keep completely silent, just as he did when Clare said they should do their stupid risk thing. Coincidence? I think not. So then Eli steps in and says 'he loves you' because in Eli's mind, you love a girl like Clare. Because that must be the obvious feeling you have for her if you date her; you love her and want to do everything you can to make her happy. **

**But CLARE **_**MEANT**_** HER I LOVE YOU. She totally did, towards Jake, and that was where I just about exploded. Her grinning bliss in front of Eli broke my heart, and none of it made any sense to me at all. I couldn't believe that, and the only thing more disgusting was the moment in which they came out from a sweaty make-out while Eli WAS RIGHT OUTSIDE? I don't even think Dr. Phil would keep calm in that type of a situation.**

**SO AFTER LAST NIGHT, this is my opinion: This has crossed the point of no return, any EClare reunion will forever feel forced and awkward to me. Cake breaks up at prom? Could care LESS. EClare kiss at prom? IRRELEVANT NOW. It's all too little, too late, if it even happens, and I can't see a way to ever make this all okay again. Their magic is ruined. **

**I know I have a tendency to freak out about EClare, but I am thinking clearly (Eli would approve) and this is my final opinion. There's just too much damage, most of it happened last night. **

**Sooo, can we all imagine a Love Does Not Take Offence World instead? Hope you like the end. **

**Thank you all so much for your support. Writing for you has been an absolute pleasure and I will miss it. Please leave me a review.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

**-Two years later-**

**Eli's POV**

"Awesome. Now just pull up a little ahead. Remember that you want to leave some space between you and the car in front of you, but not so much," I instructed Dylan. He had his driving test tomorrow, and I had wanted to get just one more quick practice in – I know that Dylan's definitely going to pass, but I wanted to have just one final practice for the sake of Dylan's confidence more than anything. I can tell that he's still a little nervous for what lies ahead tomorrow.

Dylan did as I asked him to, so I praised him, "That's perfect. I think you're all set Dylan – we've come a long way from the day when you almost put us in a ditch," I teased. I flashed him an amused smirk at the memory of our first driving lesson – the combination of Dylan's inexperience and my poor choice of practicing in Mississauga instead of in Toronto had proven to be…not exactly the best idea.

"Sorry about that," Dylan apologized for about the hundredth time.

"Don't worry about it – at least it makes for a great story. Now it's time for you to get some rest – big day tomorrow. I know you'll get it Dylan – remember that Adam and Lana and Clare all learned how to drive on this same car, and not one of the people who went to Driving School Eli had any trouble passing the test. And don't tell the others, but you're definitely better than they were at this point," I encouraged him before we exchanged a fist bump and I quickly went inside so I could say a quick hello to Scotty as well.

Once I felt the boys' house, I headed back to the U of T campus so I could check out a few books that should be in by now that I need for my PhD thesis – I have just under a year left to finish my diploma, and...I am definitely getting kind of nervous for what will come after. I sure hope that I'll be hired by U of T as a prof after I graduate. Clare keeps telling me that after all of the close work that I have done with Dr. Gifford, who is the department head for English, I am bound to, but…

I can't help but worry. It's not like I can just get another job – the only other university that would be appropriate for me would be U of Ottawa – and if that were to happen, or even a university even farther away, I'm pretty sure I could kiss my relationship with Clare good-bye. She's definitely not going to be moving out of the province - after finishing law school next year – me doing my Master's put us at the same level time-wise with our degrees – because she will be writing the bar exam in Toronto and you need to write the bar in the province that you want to profess in, or so I am told. I know that we've already made it happen long distance, but we literally counted down every single day until we could be together again. If I couldn't get hired and offer Clare everything I want to…well, I don't even want to begin to think about that. Despite the fact that I want to become published now more than anything – seriously published, as in get a novel that sells well – I…need to be able to prove that I can provide a certain stability. Clare is very ambitious, one of my favourite things about her, but…I think that before I should have the right to ask her to marry me, I need to prove that I am worthy of her. And unfortunately that will take at least one year, and probably one more. According to Lana, it's some sort of religious thing that an engagement should last a year or less, so…I definitely still have so much to do and a while to wait. So I just need to keep my focus and make things happen for myself, because if I felt that I had the right to…I'd ask Clare to marry me this second.

Thankfully, my library session went smoothly and all the books that I requested came in. I then decided to grab a quick coffee, and once I sat down at one of the Bulldog coffee tables, I quickly moved because I noticed no one other than Imogen sitting all by herself at another table. After finishing her Psychology Master's last year, Imogen had gotten hired by the U of T psych department and she split her time between doing research and counselling teens at the clinic on campus. It was…absolutely perfect for her; her dream job, really. It was so obvious that she loves it – she dedicates herself to it wholeheartedly and I know that she helps out so many kids…even when we were in undergrad, she really was so perceptive of my troubles.

These days we sometimes have lunch together on campus on Fridays when our schedules match and I love seeing her so…happy. A major factor in that is also probably the fact that her and Daniel were getting pretty serious. I can tell that Daniel is completely certain about spending his life with her. I know that he wants to wait a while to tell her though – he graduated law school a year ago, being one year ahead of me now because I went to do a Master's. Just as he had hoped, he now worked as a government lawyer in a swanky Bay Street firm - he actually works as a lawyer for the Department of National Defence aka. The army, so whenever he goes to court he has a military uniform because he technically is a part of the forces. I overheard Imogen tell Clare one time that his uniform makes him look 'even sexier,' so I guess she's happy with the particular type of law he practices, but what I know she likes most is that he is not part of the staff that can be deployed overseas. Sometimes he has to Ottawa to the capital courts, but that's as far as he'll ever have to go. What I love most about the whole deal though is that despite this fancy law job, he's still as much of a punk as ever – he lives just off campus in a nice apartment because he knows that Imogen wants to wait for marriage until she'd move in with a guy. I knew that when Daniel first found out about that, he wasn't exactly thrilled. However, he listened to me when I told him to take it like a man and just shut up and suck it up. It wasn't like she wasn't spending nights with him – one night when we were out having a couple of beers, he definitely overshared what he would be doing once we'd leave the bar, scarring me just a little. Maybe I told him to just suck it up about the living together because I felt a certain camaraderie between him and me when he told me about that – there's no way that Clare would _ever _go for living together before we're married. She knows by now that I mean to keep that vow or hers, or really ours now, until our wedding night, and if I am to think of it in terms of years…I'd rather not. So I just also shut up and suck it up. I understood things a lot time ago and I know I have to do the right thing by her. I've already screwed up so many other ways and I know that if I were to screw this particular thing up, we'd never be able to deal with the aftermath. It would just be…too much.

Adam and Lana, however, had moved in last year. I knew that Adam would be finished his Master's two years before I'd finish my school, but a small part of me had hoped that we could still be roommates. But when he came to me and said that Lana had suggested that they move in together after his graduation, he was so incredibly love-struck and grinning from ear to ear that I could only be supportive. So they had actually moved in to a downtown apartment that was really close to my apartment in the grad residences part of campus. Lana was now working as an account manager at Royal Bank, and Adam had applied his commerce and radio journalism major to score a management gig at _The Rock_, the coolest radio station in Toronto. He had his own show and I caught it almost every day, as did my dad – he had coached Adam quite a bit before he officially started. Adam still always says that the internship that my dad hooked him up with in Adam's last year of college was the main reason that he had gotten hired.

I walked up to Imogen's table and playfully told her, "Hey Imo," using the nickname that Daniel always invoked for her.

However, it caused her to jolt – something that I hadn't really expected – and she blinked a few times before she focused her gaze on me. I could tell that she was…acting a little weird.

"Oh, Eli. Hey," she softly said, and I wanted to gage where she was because it was clear that she was not saying anything else. So when I noticed her wrist, I gently told her,

"Cool bracelet," because the spiky leather wrap was something that had it been for guys and not pinky red, I totally would have bought it in a store.

"Thanks, Eli," Imogen responded and touched it softly, but this was…all wrong. She wasn't all bubbly and energetic as she always was – she wasn't asking me how I was doing…something was wrong, even down to what she was eating, so I confusedly asked,

"Apple? I thought you didn't like those," having learned her food preferences from all those conferences and work meetings that we had together when we ran the Centennial Foundation chapter together. We had gotten to know each other pretty well, and between the two of us we always drank way too much coffee when we worked late than could possibly be healthy for a human being.

"I don't normally. I just…thought I should have one," she answered, as she twirled the folded fruit sticker between her fingers.

"Um, well, can I get you a coffee?" I offered, surprised that she was at Bulldog Coffee and not having _any_ type of drink when I knew she loved coffee so much anyway.

"No…I can't. I'm okay, thanks, Eli. I'm really tired, that's all. I think I'm just going to go home and go to bed," she said, getting up and walking out the door before I even had time to reply. It was six pm…and she was going to go to bed? Something about her behaviour was definitely off, and it really made me worried and unnerved to see her like this. It reminded me so much of those dark times when she was hiding a lot of pain behind a mask of confidence. I…couldn't help but wonder that if despite all of the progress that Dr. Sadler's help and Daniel's patient love had helped her make, if maybe she was…relapsing. If….something had happened and she felt like she had to keep it all inside.

Just the possibility of that really made me worried, so I pulled out my phone at once and dialled Daniel's number. He picked up right away despite the fact that I knew that he was still at work – his hours were crazy, practically twelve hour days every day. I didn't even bother with greetings. He only needed to know one thing, and he needed to know it right away.

"Daniel, your girls needs you. Go to her, dude, right away".

**Imogen's POV**

_I can't believe this. I can't believe this. I can't believe this. _

Just when everything was finally starting to come together and I felt…happier than I've ever been, this needs to happen. He'll hate me. He'll hate me. He'll never forgive me. Daniel's always been so focused, so sure of the direction that he wants his life to take…he did a double major in undergrad, then went right to law school, got hired by the government in such an important position, and…he loves me. _Loved_ me. It'll turn to the past tense as soon as she find out just how badly I've screwed up. He'll…oh God, and he works thing is that…he'll think I did this on purpose. He'll think…that…I'm playing games with him. I stopped doing that so long ago – once I realized that I was hurting the people that I love….but….he'll never forgive me.

And…we could have had it all, and if it weren't for my stupidity. I don't need to wait three minutes. I know my body and the minute I saw that apple and desperately wanted to eat it…I just knew. I remember women asking my parents that same question – can you really know this way – and they'd always answer that it _could _be a sign…but that it also could not. But just even when Eli mentioned the word 'coffee' and I wanted to throw up – I knew that…it was more than just a weird mood. And…I'm late.

There's no way that I am wrong about this. And…as much as I love Daniel…I can't disappoint him by ruining his plans with this bombshell, but there is no way that I am doing…anything with this baby but love it and take care of it. I make enough on my own – I can do it comfortably. I'm not letting go. I'm going to hold on and be okay. It's my baby and I'm going to make sure that I give her or him enough. I can do this.

But…but it will still _kill_ me to break up with him. He can't know why. I'll just tell him that…that…what? What could I possibly tell him? He's perfect, and he's nothing but good to me. There's no reason why a girl would ever break up with him.

I…used to dream of meeting and falling in love with a guy like Daniel before I even knew his name.

And…maybe I should move. I can't leave Toronto because my job is here and I can't afford to miss any work right now. But…I don't want Daniel to be able to find me, so maybe I 'll just start looking for an apartment in a different part of town, even if living anywhere but in Yorkville breaks my heart.

And…oh my God, I'm definitely not telling my parents. It would…it them, it would appear just like everything they always used to say about me and him.

_What would a boy like that want to do with you? Only one thing, that's for sure. He wouldn't take you seriously. You're delusional if you think that he actually loves you and wants to marry you. _

Of course it would look like that…and they'd never believe that breaking up was my choice. Daniel's always been so clear on future plans, and I know that he wants us to get married when we are a bit older. He's only been out of school one year and he might have a great job, but…he didn't want it like this. And he certainly won't like a baby before he even…proposed. Oh God…proposed, I remembered and I could no longer hold my sobs back. I had allowed myself to imagine that moment many times and now…it's not ever going to happen. It's all…just a dream now. Because of my stupidity – I just _had to_ switch birth control pills and…I messed up. I missed a few days. And now I have to…I have to let go of Daniel. As much as it completely breaks my heart, I…my baby comes first now. I don't need to hurt Daniel like this. I will just get out of his life quietly and…start mine and my baby's.

I'll be fine. I'll be okay. He can't know. And my parents certainly can't know. I tried repeating this over and over to myself, but there was a stronger voice resonating now.

I...I need to focus here, to regroup, but...if only these tears would stop...I can't even see anything.

I can't stay here...if I call and break-up on the phone, or even if I do it in person...Daniel won't buy it. He's going to be able to tell that something is wrong, and he's going to want to find me. He'll come looking for me...to this apartment. So I have to get out. I have to get out _now_.

I pulled out my suitcase from the very bottom of my closet and threw in a bunch of clothes at once. I can find a place easily. We have security key cards at work, he won't be able to come in. This is what's best. For everyone. I can't ruin Daniel's life plans, and I think that if were to ever see him..._disappointed_ in me, I couldn't live through something like that. I already badly disappointed him once and...I can't do it again. He just won't know. It'll be fine, I urgently kept repeating to myself as my frantic mind went wild with a flurry of thoughts. But this really is best. Daniel will be fine. Eli will look after him and make sure that he's all right after this. And _we_'ll be fine too, love, I whispered as I touched my stomach...incapable of believing that...soon there would be a real person...that would fully and completely depend on me. We'll be fine. I can do this. I can do this all on my own. I...oh God, it would have been wonderful...perfect to have gotten to do it with Daniel...to have the family we have dreamed of. But we can't, I reminded myself. Because I screwed up.

But...maybe I should take that test just in case. I...was too scared to do it yesterday, because...I am just so sure. Seeing those little double pink lines appear...it might be more than I could handle. It would be...absolute proof that I could no longer deny. But...maybe I won't have to leave Daniel after all. Maybe then it will be okay. Maybe...maybe it can all be okay after all.

After doing what I needed to do, I walked out of the bathroom immediately and I left the stick on the counter...I can't...I can't look at it. I just can't. Three more minutes that I can just use for packing, I resolutely told myself. I know what the result is going to be.

I can't ever be happy. I...had it all. I have a great job that I've wanted for so long, and an amazing boyfriend who wanted to marry me and spend our lives together. But I screwed it up, I screwed it up like I always do, I kept repeating over and over to myself as I stuffed more clothes into my suitcase.

I know it's been only thirty seconds, but I don't care. I'm going to look at it now.

Nothing. It's not ready yet.

_Oh my God, why is my door opening? There's only one other person who has the key to my apartment, but...it's barely six pm. He's still at work, he's working on a big merger, he said, he's been staying up every night since two am, there's no way he could leave early- there's no way that's –_

"Imogen? Baby? You here?" I heard him say loudly and I…just stood frozen, unable to do anything else. He had left work this early? How is that possible?

Before he appeared in the doorframe of my bedroom I quickly hid my hands behind my back. He can't see it. He can't.

I didn't answer him because I was just too distracted, but he came into my room in just a few seconds and…I could tell that he must have rushed over here faster than the speed of light because he was breathing heavily and his entire face was red. Daniel had a lot of freckles on his face and he'd often get flushed when running or playing sports rather quickly, so it was always really prominent when he was rushing from one place to another.

"Hey, hey, baby, it's okay," he softly said, obviously seeing that I had been crying hysterically and he placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. I can't even…he is so perfect. If a heart can actually break into a million little pieces, I'm positive that this is happening to me now.

"What's wrong? Eli said he ran into you on campus and that you looked a little sad. But oh – check it out – I was at that lunchtime meeting with the lawyers that represent the navy commanding forces and walking back to the firm I found this. Right when I saw it, I knew I had to get it for you," he said. He then held out…such a cool iPhone case out to me. It was plated with shiny black jewels and it had red skulls on it…it was _so_ something that I would have bought for myself had I seen it…he was killing me.

"I love it," I whispered, trying to keep my voice from breaking but miserably failing. And Daniel…wasn't pushing. He never pushed me.

He slowly pulled me into an embrace and I was glad that he kept his arms around my shoulder because I quickly moved mine to his back to make sure he couldn't see what I was holding.

"Baby, whatever it is, we can pull through together. There's hasn't been anything else we haven't been able to deal with before, and I bet we can figure this out. What did they say to you?" he asked with a soft sigh, and I couldn't blame him for assuming that this was because of my parents. It always was about them. But not this time. This time it was my own stupidity.

"Why are you here so early? I thought it was hell week at work," I whispered.

"Oh, sweetheart, you know you come first. So I left a couple of house early _one_ day. I don't care about that. I care about _you_," he said and…I couldn't take it any longer; I pulled out of our embrace so I could look into his eyes.

So I did so at once, and my heart froze when I realized my…fatal mistake.

I then watched in horror as Daniel's eyes widened and he asked at once,

"Um…what the hell is _that?_ Oh God…you're not…?" and I felt fresh tears pour down my face. But…he didn't sound angry, just…nervous. And…I meant to follow my plan, I really did, but…my mouth didn't wait for my brain as I whispered,

"What if…I were?"

Daniel inhaled and exhaled deeply and I felt my race as he…spoke immediately after that.

"That would be…freaking _fantastic_!" he exclaimed joyously as the brightest smile I have ever seen crossed his face. I felt my heart race even faster as he continued, "A little ahead of schedule perhaps – just a little. But…it would be…my biggest dream coming true ahead of schedule – who could possibly complain about that?"

I…couldn't believe this.

He was _happy. The happiest_ I've ever seen him.

I was so…completely overwhelmed with joy that all I could do was flash him a sassy smile and tease,

"Well, give it a minute now," and Daniel rolled his eyes impatiently in response.

He guided me over to the couch and pulled me in so I could rest my head on his chest and he intertwined our fingers as he asked,

"So, would you like a boy or a girl?" sounding like a little boy bursting with excitement.

"I don't know," I honestly answered. "I love babies so much, both genders are so cute. You?"

"As long as he or she is healthy, I love it either way. Imo…I really hope it's positive, you know," Daniel softly said as he gave me a soft squeeze.

"I'm…pretty sure that it will be," I confessed. "I'm late, and there's some other signs as well," I whispered.

"I just…I didn't think that this could happen," I heard him whisper, and I felt my entire body tremble.

"I…I switched birth control and…I ended up not taking it properly; I missed a few days. I should have told you," I continued. "I swear, Daniel, I didn't do this on purpose to…trap you or anything –" I rushed out, but he gently brought his finger to my lips and gave me a slow kiss afterward.

"Imo…I should have checked in more. After you went on the pill and we stopped using condoms, we just sort of…didn't talk about it anymore. What kind of jerk do you think I am – it's bad enough I left birth control completely up to you after a while, you'd think I'd…blame you?" he asked, sounding so…incredibly hurt.

"I just – it's a lot to process. I only caught on to what was going on a few hours ago myself. This is…big news," I replied, finally vocalizing that thought.

"It is. It is huge, life-altering news. But…you know that my biggest dream is for us to have children," he responded before giving me a quick peck.

I was too overwhelmed by tears of joy at this point to respond, and I soon felt Daniel's fingers gently wipe them away before he excitedly asked,

"God, how long is a minute?"

I couldn't help but giggle and pull out the test from beside me where it was resting, and…sure enough, it had two little pink lines.

"It's positive," I whispered.

"Yes! Damn right it is! Oh my God – we need to mark the calendar so we can always remember the date of the best day of my life – I love you, I love you so much baby," Daniel practically screamed as he gently lifted me up and twirled me around my apartment.

"You're happy," I whispered, more to myself than as meant for Daniel, but I'm sure he heard it as he then said,

"Happy? Happy is an understatement," with a huge smile as he put me down and apologetically added, "But I think that's the last time I'll be able to pick you up and twirl you around like that. I gotta take good, good care of you from now on," and he gently picked me up and rested me onto his lap once we were on the couch. He then flashed me a huge smile and rested both of his hands on my stomach before bending down and placing a kiss over my dress.

"There's a baby in there. _Our _baby," he said with a beaming smile.

"I…couldn't even believe it when I started to catch on – I craved an apple for God's sake," I giggled, knowing very well that Daniel would realize what an odd thing that was for me, and the look on his face told me that he did indeed.

"That is really something. Surprised Eli caught onto that, thought," he replied with a slight frown.

I giggled even more before I got out, "Oh no, I know Eli doesn't have the slightest clue about what is going on. I just ran into him at Bulldog Coffee and he could just tell that I was….worried," I faltered.

Daniel then locked his gaze with mine and slowly said, "Imogen…that bag you're packing is because you have to go to a conference?" but the look in his eyes and the hurt in his voice told me that…he didn't really believe that.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I totally freaked out – I thought….I thought you wouldn't want this," I finally confessed and Daniel just patiently sighed and pushed my hair out of my face.

"How could you think that? We've…always dreamed of having a baby – no, babies – together," he pointed out.

"But not like this! Not this early…can we…can we even do this?" I asked, beginning to panic a little now.

"Woah, woah, slow down, slow down, love. There's not a doubt in my mind that we can do this," Daniel asserted at once. He then continued, "Sweetheart…I feel really guilty. That you felt that you couldn't come to me with this right away. I don't even want to being thinking about what would have happened if you hadn't run into Eli – I…I hate that it could have just as easily gone a very different way- with you…not telling me? Imogen, I want…I want to be the first person that you come to when you're happy, or sad, or worried," he insisted.

"But you are!" I retorted immediately.

"So then…what happened? Why did you not come to me? Why are you…packing bags instead?" he asked, sounding so…hurt.

"I…Daniel…I didn't want to…hold you back in any way," I confessed.

"What are you talking about?" he asked incredulously, and then he surprised me a bit by giving me yet another quick kiss.

He then continued, "I'm sorry, baby. I know that…I get really into my plans. But…it's different now. When we first met and for a long time after that, I _needed_ to be that way; there we so many deadlines and things to do to make sure that I got into law school. But then I did. And I graduated, and wrote my bar and got a great job that I still thank my lucky stars for every day. But now…we're good. I'm sorry that my crazy planning neuroses…got passed onto you. But…this news is amazing anytime now – because we _can_ look after a baby comfortably. I am…the happiest guy alive," he said, and I embraced him at once.

I felt him leave a series of teasing kisses down my neck and then he asked,

"But…how do you feel about this? I didn't even ask you," and a guilty look flashed across his face.

"I…in the last minutes – since you got here – I feel like…I've gotten everything I've ever wanted; everything I've ever dreamed of," I confessed.

"Really? I don't," Daniel deadpanned, making my heart drop at once. He must have realized my distress because he quickly shot me a smile and added,

"_Almost_ everything I've ever wanted," intertwining our fingers and continuing, "Imo…I feel like a jerk".

"Why?" I asked in confusion.

"Because. I'd like to ask the girl I love to marry me right now and I don't even have a ring," Daniel said, and I dropped my jaw in shock. He…wanted us to get married? Soon? God…and I thought I'd have to leave my apartment and struggle with a baby on my own, and here is Daniel, sitting right next to me and happier than I've ever seen him at anticipating…our baby and…feeling guilty that he doesn't have a ring to give me.

His emotion-laced voice continued as he stood up off the couch and…knelt down on one knee in front of me and said,

"Imogen. I'm not asking you to marry me just because of our wonderful news. But to be honest, I'm not even sure how much longer I could wait had I never known anything. So the fact that you're pregnant is a blessing on more levels than one. Screw waiting a couple more years. Everything is right for us to get married. I have loved you ever since Eli sent me that picture of you in Old Montreal on Facebook, as creepy as that sounds," he said with a little frown as I couldn't help but giggle because it did sound…a little odd when he put it like that.

Daniel continued, "I want us to really start our lives together now. I want us to find a home together, and I want to…I want to take good care of you. You are the most extraordinary girl that I've ever met, and I'd be the luckiest fool on the planet if you became my wife. I love you, and I can't wait for us to properly be together and start our family. So…will you marry me? Soon?" Daniel asked as he placed a kiss on my hand.

I felt a small tear escape my eye as I immediately nodded and replied, "Yes! Oh my god, yes, Daniel. I love you so much," and I pulled him up into a kiss at once. As he supported his body on top of mine on the couch, I could tell that he was being so protective and careful of not crushing me, and after he pulled away he placed another kiss on my hand before he frowned slightly and said,

"You see, I feel like there needs to be something to seal the deal – this is why people do rings. Ugh," and I could tell that he was really beating himself up over this.

"Daniel…you know how you just said that you are the happiest guy on the planet right now?" I asked, and he nodded at once. "Well, you just made me the happiest girl on the planet. I don't need a ring," I shyly told him.

He gasped playfully and answered, "Well, you'd better get ready to have one – there's no way I'm taking the chance of idiots out there thinking you're single. I should have gotten you one forever ago. Clare wears Eli's ring even if they are not engaged, I just realized," Daniel said.

"It's actually Princess Diana's – replica of hers from her engagement," I told him, remembering the gorgeous ring that Clare had shown me once she had come back from England.

"Damn you, Eli –making me look bad," Daniel laughed. "I promise you your ring will be even better. Princess Diana's kid got married, right? So, let's get you a replica of the new royal wedding ring, not the old one," Daniel said, his competitive spirit kicking in.

"It's the same one, silly," I told him as I ran my fingers through his hair.

"Huh? Her kid took her engagement ring?" Daniel asked in confusion.

"No, no," I gently explained, "Princess Di…after she died in that awful car crash…her boys kept some things of hers. Her oldest, Prince William kept her watch because she had taught him to tell time on it, and her second son, Prince Harry, kept her engagement ring. But the boys apparently agreed that whomever would get married first would ask their future wife to get married using their mother's ring, so ultimately, Harry gave it to William," I finished.

"Well, baby, I promise you, I'm going to put a ring on your finger soon. Because we are engaged! We are getting married!" he repeated joyously. Daniel then ran his fingers through his hair and began,

"Okay, so first things first. We need to make you a doctor's appointment, make sure things are all right, get you the doctor that will help us through this whole pregnancy," and as soon as he said those words, I knew that he realized this was a sensitive subject for me, because he kissed my cheek ever so gently.

"Daniel…I don't think – I won't want to," I faltered, but he just shot me a smile and said,

"Imo. I know. I…don't think it's necessary that they know yet. Whenever or whatever you want to tell them is perfectly fine with me. I'll do whatever you want. But what I'd like, only if you want to as well, is for us to get married as soon as we can find a date that works for my parents and all of our friends. And…whatever you want to do about your parents, we will do. And as for everyone else, we will only tell whoever you want to. I'd shout if from the rooftops if it was up to me, but I only want to do whatever you want to as well. If we get married soon, which I hope we do, because I really just don't want to wait until you become my wife, it'll look like a honeymoon baby to everyone else, which is what I've always wanted anyway. No one needs to know; honey moon baby that came early. And I'd like to get you a private doctor, that way…no one can access your records without a legal order. That much I know from my job, that they can't. So…let's go that route, okay?" he asked, and I couldn't help but embrace him at once and hang onto him as tightly as possible.

"It's expensive – private healthcare. It really is," I pointed out.

"Um…I don't know if you haven't realized this yet," Daniel started as he pulled out of our embrace in order to flash me a sassy smile, "But…I'm a lawyer…for an exclusive branch of the government – my gig pays well. We…are definitely good to go," he explained.

"I can pay for it too," I pointed out at once.

"I know. But…I'd like you to let me pay. I think we should probably go to the bank and join our accounts like, yesterday, anyway, okay?" he asked, and after a few tries at persuading him that that wasn't necessary, I had to give up. Daniel really was impossible to win an argument against. I'm pretty sure the Canadian army would never lose a case with Daniel on their side.

"Baby…I'm thinking we should at least invite your parents to our wedding though," he added.

"I want to. I want to invite them to our wedding. I don't know if they'll come, but of course I do. But…I don't want to tell them about the baby. I don't want them to –" I started, and then Daniel finished my sentence for me.

"Mess with our heads. Me either, although love – here's the thing. Me and you and him or her," he gently said as he touched my stomach, "_This_ is our own family now. This is it. We don't have to listen to anyone or let them mess with our heads ever again. We're our own family now, and we're perfect," he emphatically said as he ran his fingers through my hair.

"But oh my God, we _have to_ tell Mom!" he joyously said, practically screaming.

"What will she say?" I whispered.

"Um, are you kidding? Dad and her have been waiting so long for me to pop the question," he burst out, surprising me quite a bit.

"Really?" I asked.

"Definitely. After Andrew's wedding," he said, in reference to his brother's wedding that we went to last summer, "I knew it would be my turn. Though I must say, I'm quite pleased I'm gonna beat him to the baby punch," Daniel continued with a chuckle.

"Are we going to tell her about the baby?" I asked, a little nervous. Nora was so sweet and kind to me, but….what would she exactly think about this? I just wasn't sure.

"It's up to us, Imo, just like I said. We're our own family now. But I think mom and dad would both be absolutely thrilled to hear that they will be grandparents for the first time soon. I really don't think they would have a problem with it," Daniel replied.

"They won't think we're too young?" I double-checked.

"I highly doubt it. We're secure now, we can easily take care of a baby. And…we're ready, maturity wise. We got this," he repeated, and then added, "But if you only want her to know about the wedding, that is amazing news in its own. We don't have to do anything you don't want".

I thought for a minute about everything that Daniel had said since coming in, and…I knew that he knew his parents best and he was clearly bursting with so much excitement that I felt that at any point he might just go shout our news from the rooftop, so I slowly nodded and said,

"Okay, let's tell them," and just a few minutes later Daniel was literally holding his phone away from his ear and I could hear his mom screaming with happy excitement on the other line as he mouthed 'told you so'.

"She wants to speak to you," he told me and I grabbed the phone from him at once.

"Hi, Nora," I shyly said.

"Sweetheart! Congratulations! I am just…I am just so happy right now, I am going to be a grandma! And your wedding will be perfect, I plan on seeing to that myself. I never thought I would get to take charge of a wedding as the mother of four boys, but I want to help with every single aspect of it. And no more of this Nora business – from now on I'd like you to call me 'mom'," she said, speaking at a speed of a thousand words per minute.

"_Mom_?" I incredulously whispered.

"Yes, love?" Nora replied, not really realizing that I was more repeating the term in astonishment as opposed to asking her a question. But…here goes anyway,

"You don't…you're not disappointed that we didn't wait any longer? You don't think that this is…too early?" I asked her in fear.

"Oh, sweetheart, don't be silly – _disappointed?_ I couldn't be any more proud. And let me tell you something. When Daniel's dad and I found out I was pregnant with Andrew, we were each living in basement suites eight hundred miles from our original homes, all on our own – you see what I'm trying to say is that –"

"There's no good time to have a baby?" I asked as I could feel my hands shaking.

"No, sweetheart, that's not it at all. What I'm trying to tell you is that when two people love each other as much as you and my son do, and when they have stable jobs – and you and Daniel are doing so much better in that area than my husband and I did when we had Andrew…when that's how it is, then there's no _bad_ time to have a baby, sweetheart," she finished.

"Mom?" I shyly whispered as I felt Daniel pull me into a hug, crushing the phone receiver just a bit.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I'd like…I'd like me and Daniel to get married in Ottawa. At your house…backyard wedding," I said, because as soon as I heard her voice I realized that our wedding should be…a family affair.

"Oh, Imogen, sweetie," I heard her sigh tearfully into the phone. "I am so…I am just so honoured. That's my dream come true, you know – for Daniel and for you to get married at home. Of course. Daniel said we're looking to do the wedding soon, and I couldn't agree more. I was thinking next month, at the very end – give you enough time to get all your friends together," Nora said.

"Sounds perfect," I confirmed happily.

"Don't you worry about a thing – I'll fly out to Toronto next weekend and we can start strategizing. But, sweetheart, you need to start taking really good care of yourself now – see a doctor, plan mat leave…I know everything that needs to get done, I've been through it four times, I'll help you with it all. You just make sure my son takes you to see a doctor and hang tight until I get there," she instructed, sounding just as determined as Daniel always did when he outlined one of his plans.

"Will do. Thank you, so much…mom," I whispered tearfully, my emotion overcoming me.

"Thank _you_, sweetheart. You have given me the greatest joy," she told me meaningfully before I passed the phone over to Daniel and he spent the next ten minutes repeating,

"Yes, mom. I got it, I'm not gonna do that, don't worry, yes I've got it, already planned on calling," and many more variations of such words.

Daniel then spent the rest of the night ordering baby books online – I knew he would head for research right away- and he then put them on his Kindle right away and began moving things around my apartment because apparently 'the baby book said so'. The baby book also apparently told him chamomile tea was best for me right now, and he rushed out to the store to get some, and he then laid me down in bed with a warm cup and some cookies as he talked to me gently about joining our accounts and looking for a comfortable apartment close by to both of our jobs. The last thing I remember before I fell asleep was him softly kissing my eyelids shut, and the exhaustion and happiness of the day overwhelmed me just a few seconds later.

When I woke up the next morning, I was incredibly relieved that it was Saturday and that I didn't have to go to work, and as I turned around in my bed, I snuggled into Daniel's side, knowing that he had slept over. I saw him smile at me, and he pulled me in a little closer and asked,

"Hey, beautiful. Sleep well?" and I nodded happily.

"Good, I'm glad. Because I've been thinking – I really don't like you living all alone now. And I know you don't want to live together until the wedding, so I was thinking maybe mom would like to-" he began saying, but I interrupted him with a shake of my head.

It was…different now. I could trust Daniel. He was going to be my husband, I thought happily, and he had a point about me not living alone.

"I…want us to move in together," I whispered, and gave him a quick kiss.

"Really? Because I can wait, we can come up with some sort of other plan," he said.

"I'd like it if…you stayed here," I plainly told him.

"I think that's a good idea too – I don't want to make you move. But just until next month, okay, and by then I promise I will have found us a nice big apartment that we can start our married life in," Daniel replied with a smile, and…what he had just said sounded to me like the most perfect plan in the world.

"Sounds great," I encouraged him.

"Almost great. Just one more thing," he said mischievously, and he then reached over to the nightstand table and…held out a ruby red velvet box to me.

_No. He couldn't have. _

"This ring is to officially seal the deal. I didn't want my girl to wait any longer than necessary, so I ran to the jeweller's as soon as the stores started opening. I hope you like it," he said and he opened the box to reveal a stunning diamond engagement ring that had the words 'to my extraordinary girl' engraved on the inside of the band.

"I love it, I can't believe you already got it," I whispered incredulously as Daniel slid it on my finger.

"Of course I got it. I love you," he said as he intertwined our fingers and kissed my forehead.

"What a day, huh?" I giggled as I studied my beautiful ring even closer.

"The _best_ day," Daniel sighed as he rested my head on his chest and sighed contently.

**Clare's POV**

"Not my fault there were so many red lights," I teased Eli as I wiped off some of my lip gloss off of his temple before we met up with everyone for dinner at Sage Bistro. Daniel and Imogen had called us all to share some big news, apparently.

"Hey – do you hear me complaining?" Eli shot back with a playful smirk and I couldn't help but giggle in response.

"So what do you think they have to tell us?" I asked Eli as we waved at Adam and Lana who we saw coming up on the street ahead of us.

"No idea," he said with a shrug, "But I hope that they're not moving away or anything".

"Daniel wouldn't have to? I mean, he's a lawyer for the army," I asked Eli, knowing he would know more about Daniel's life than I did. I hadn't taken any military law class in my time in law school, and seeing how I had already pretty much already chosen my classes for next year and that wasn't in the cards in the next two semesters either, I'd probably never learn its intricacies as well as Daniel knows them.

"No, he says his work involves defending decisions and arguing new policies for the government here and in Ottawa. And that's really good – Imogen already did all that traveling to army bases with her parents," Eli pointed out as I nodded in agreement.

We quickly caught up with Adam and Lana and as we walked into the bistro and saw Imogen and Daniel waiting for us, everything became clear when she held up her ring hand at once and brightly said,

"Welcome to our engagement party/gathering thing!" looking happier than I had ever seen her.

"Wow, congratulations you guys," I saw Eli say with a wide smirk. He then exchanged a very smug fist-bump with Daniel and gave Imogen a warm hug.

I was kind of in shock that these two…were already engaged. Daniel had followed that same educational path as me – he was just a year ahead as he was older –and here he was, engaged already. I still had a year to go, and…I knew that Eli did too, and I knew that he knew I wanted to wait until both of us had good jobs in order to get married.

But…as I studied Imogen and Daniel throughout dinner, I…felt the need to hold Eli's hand tightly, something that he adored I am sure, and…his silence and thoughtful gaze made me wonder if he was…worried at all about the future. I knew that teaching positions were hard to come by and it was what Eli had completed his training for, and he has been so busy with his PhD that he hasn't had much time for writing. I know that Eli wants to provide me with security, but I also don't want him to kill himself over this. Protecting me and looking after me has kind of been all that he has ever wanted to do, but I think that now he is really feeling the pressure. Especially when the two people that he basically set up are getting married, and I know that Eli is thinking that Daniel is in a position to provide for Imogen well.

So as we walked out back to the Jeep after a dinner with a very excited Imogen and Daniel and Eli told Lana and Adam that he would give them a ride, I held his hand tightly and kissed his cheek playfully just once, before Adam could groan and go into a monologue about all the torture that we have put him through. I just wanted to see him…a little happier, and my trick seemed to work as he shot me a quick smirk and a wink. Eli then said,

"Oh, I'd like to inform everyone that Driving School Eli has just had its successful fourth graduate," as I smiled and replied,

"I bet Dylan is so excited - and Scotty too".

"Their dad called me to thank me for giving him lessons and I talked to the boys too, Dylan said the part he is least looking forward to is chauffeuring his brother around," Eli said.

"He's just kidding," I pointed out as we all made our way into the car.

"I know. He's such a good brother," Eli declared, and I couldn't help but think…that had Cece had that girl that she wanted to after she had Eli…he would make an excellent big brother as well.

Eli then started the car and once he pulled onto Queen's Street I reached for his free hand and intertwined our fingers together, and it was only a few seconds before Lana giggled and said,

"So, guys – those two and their engagement – I think it's fantastic and I know their marriage will work, but not going to lie – I'm more excited for the arrival of the reason _why_ this plan needed to be expedited a bit," and as I softly gasped, I saw Eli get a look of confusion on his face. He then asked,

"What do you mean?" as Adam also shot Lana a confused glance and she explained,

"Oh come on! Boys really are blind, and Clare, you didn't notice either?" she said with a playful shake of her head. "Imogen is _totally_ preggers," she squealed out.

"What? No, she's not," Eli said as he shot Lana a funny look in the rear-view mirror.

"Whatever, Eli. She _so_ is. She was totally glowing –"

"She just got engaged. She's gonna be happy. To think that she's pregnant because she's happy is ridiculous," Eli pointed out.

"Um, and Daniel is moving in – so he can look after her, and the wedding is next month – honeymoon baby possibility, and – this is the first time I have seen her skip wine at dinner," Lana expertly pointed out.

I felt a huge smile form across my face as I answered, "Oh my God, Lana – you're _totally_ right. That's why they put the express date on this marriage. They're going to have a baby!" I squealed and Adam immediately asked me and Lana to 'stop making sounds that only dogs can hear'.

I then looked over at Eli and he had a really thoughtful look on his face as he nodded and said, "On second thought, you're probably right," and I was really curious to hear his opinion on this.

I…knew that sometimes these things happened unexpectedly if you were having sex, and I knew that Imogen and Daniel surely must have used birth control. Maybe they made a mistake or had a malfunction, but…so they weren't married…but as soon as Daniel found out, he must have asked her to marry him. Because he loves her. Even when things didn't go straight by the book, they treated this as a happy surprise and…made everything okay. They are financially stable enough to care of things, and they love each other, so…why shouldn't they be happy? I can understand why they didn't tell us – probably didn't want anyone to say that the only reason why they got married is because they were going to have a baby, when in reality, it wasn't like that. Even if this was quite far away from what I always imagined as the perfect plan, it was still….so beautiful.

As he turned onto Adam and Lana's street, Eli shrugged and said, "Well, so what? Imogen's wanted to be a mom for so long, and obviously it was always going to happen with no one else but Daniel, and they have good jobs, and they're getting married. So what if she's pregnant? That's not a bad thing. That's a good – no, a _great _thing," Eli said, and I gave his hands a quick squeeze. He had articulated everything so perfectly, and everyone in the car smiled and agreed with him at once.

Imogen and Daniel would be the first of our friends to get married and to have a baby…and I knew that everyone was just as excited for them as I was.

**Dr. Moreno's POV**

"Richard….have you seen this?" I asked my husband after I brought in the mail. The envelope sure looked like…a wedding invitation – from Imogen.

She was going to marry that Daniel boy? Already? He had asked her to marry him?

"What are you talking about?" my husband asked me as he came over and as I opened the envelope…it sure was.

_Dr. and Mrs. Patterson proudly invite you to celebrate the marriage of _

_ Daniel Patterson and Imogen Moreno _

_June twenty-fifth, ceremony will commence at ten am_

_8566 Rideau Way, Ottawa_

_Dress: Morning coat or military uniform_

"Oh my God, Imogen's getting married – and this is how we find out," my husband said, just a bit reproachfully. I knew that he harboured resentment towards me because we weren't as close to Imogen as other parents were to their children, but that really was ridiculous. It was not only my fault; he was just as guilty and after she had left to college we really didn't see much of her because we…are busy. We are surgeons, for crying out loud. We don't have time to visit our children on campus and hold their hands through university.

"Well, I for one, can't believe it – we don't even know anything about this Daniel character," I pointed out.

"They have been dating a long time. All throughout college. It's good that they are getting married, I guess," he added.

"I just can't believe that she didn't tell us ahead of time," I whispered, the magnitude of this news finally hitting me.

My daughter…got engaged, and…I didn't even know until I received the wedding invitation in the mail. Even I knew that there was something wrong with that.

"Richard…we made a colossal mistake, you know, with how we raised her. She…can't even come to us and tell us that she is engaged," I whispered as my husband nodded silently and reached for his laptop.

"Let's see who Daniel Patterson exactly is," he said, and I saw him look up his medical records.

"Whoa. Sports kind of guy," my husband said, pointing out all the fractures that Daniel had had…quite a number of years ago.

"As a child," I completed. "Look, no recent medical history at all – oh, but wait – army physical. He's in the army? I thought he was a lawyer," I said in confusion.

"We can Google his name and if he is associated with a major law firm - his name should be on their website," Richard pointed out, completing the search rapidly.

"Look – here we go. Oh wow, he _is_ a lawyer – and an army lawyer as well – works for the government but never travels with troops," he told me, and showed me a picture of a handsome young man who was indeed the same individual that I have seen in some of my daughter's pictures.

"He…really has his life together. This is a…good boy," I realized. "And…I told her so many awful things about how a serious boy could never want to marry her".

"She has a good job too. She works in research at U of T and at the clinic. It's time for us to face it – she does not belong in the role that we often cast her in. And…with this boy, she has broken free of the way we treated her. This boy – he is her family now. To the point where all we get is a wedding invitation," my husband pointed out, and I realized…just how wrong I had approached everything.

"You remember those army lawyers – they are incredibly smart people. So sharp – make me regret that we never met this boy," I quietly said before I added, "We _have to_ go to her wedding. We at least have to be there, she's our only child. But…it's in Ottawa. She's getting married over there for his family. Everything will be…for his family. We get…nothing," I angrily said.

"It says on the invitation Dr. Patterson in reference to his dad – look," Richard continued as he pointed to his laptop and I could see a picture of an older man and woman standing on the steps of Parliament in Ottawa with a Canadian flag and the Prime Minister shaking their hand – "His parents work for the government, that's why they live in Ottawa. His dad has a PhD in political science, and it looks they are special advisors to the Department of Homeland Security as well – there will probably be a lot of army staff at the wedding, hence the military uniform line on the dress code," Richard pointed out.

"We don't have military coat, we won't wear that," I stubbornly told him, both of us having left the armed forces medical corps a long time ago, when Imogen was in elementary school.

"She didn't even tell us she was getting married. Face it, Imogen's been out on her own for a long time. Now she found a great boy who is intelligent and who has looked after her all in college and who wants to marry her. Why shouldn't she do something that makes him happy? He's her family now, and I'm afraid that he's been her family for many years, and we didn't even realize it," my husband quietly said as he took his glasses off, ever so calmly.

"I'm going to call her," I declared at once, and I was glad that Imogen picked up on the first ring.

"Hi, mom. Listen, I'm talking to Daniel's mom about some wedding details – she is helping me organize it, came into town just to help me out with some things, I really can't keep her waiting. Call you back?" I heard her say, and…I couldn't believe it.

She did call me back and apologized ten minutes later, but…that other woman was helping my daughter plan her wedding while I barely received an invitation?

"Hey," I heard Imogen politely say.

"Imogen Moreno, were you ever going to tell me that you were getting _married?_" I said, my frustration getting the best of me.

"Of course, mom, that's why I sent you that invitation. I realize you and dad probably won't be able to come, but I just thought you should-" she started, but I cut her off immediately.

"What makes you think that?" I asked.

"Because…you've never spent a weekend with me in six years. You are always working; just an assumption based on past precedent," Imogen replied at once, and I could tell that Daniel's lawyer ways and terms were rubbing off on my daughter.

"We'll be there – both your father and I, Imogen," I said categorically, and I heard her sigh on the other end of the phone.

"I'm really glad you can come, mom. Thank you," she said emphatically, and I could tell that she was getting…emotional.

"Imogen, darling, why don't we do the wedding in Toronto? We can rent out a nice big hotel and your father and I will pay for Daniel's family to stay there as I know most of them are from Ottawa –"I began to propose, but this time Imogen was the one to cut me off at once.

"No, mom. I'm getting married at Daniel's parents' house. I want to – it's like my home away from college, this house. I've been to it every summer break and even two Christmases. This is where Daniel and I are getting married, in the cutest little backyard wedding there has ever been, as his mom always says," she said with a giggle, and…I could feel my heart drop.

My daughter…saw that place as her second home.

"Well, all right then. Is there anything your father and I can do for the wedding?" I asked, wanting to be able to help out.

"Nope, Daniel's mom and I have already looked after everything pretty much. It's all organized. See you then," and just like that, I heard her click her phone off.

After recounting our entire conversation to my husband, I could see that in his characteristic fashion, he definitely had regrets, but he was burying them as deep as he could, and only pronouncing,

"Well, that's that then. I'll get us the plane tickets," and seeing his nonchalant manner just about made me explode.

"Richard…do you even realize what this means? Our own daughter didn't even tell us she was getting married…her and that boy are going to have children soon, and…we won't even know our own grandchildren. What if they decide to move to Ottawa – Imogen clearly loves it there – and we never even see them again? We have to do something. We have already made so many mistakes. I want to…I want to help my daughter and her…fiancé, as strange as that sounds, out in some fashion".

"Don't you realize? She doesn't need our help. She's integrated into a new family now," he silently said, shutting off his laptop and trying to hide his sadness from me.

But I couldn't help but think that…surely there must be something we can do too.

However, by the time that the wedding weekend came around, not much had really changed. Whenever I called, Imogen was either at work, or on the phone with Daniel's mom, and often I'd call and Daniel himself would answer her phone and tell me that she was asleep, had a long day at work and he didn't want to wake her up. I was happy to see him being so protective of Imogen, but…I absolutely hated the feeling that my daughter had erased me from her life. And what was even worse, I knew why.

Because I had always erased her from my life. Passed her off to nannies so I could return to the OR, and the worst part was that…I always used to look down on other female surgeons who took time off from important cases in order to 'be with my children'. But…I bet that those mothers got phone calls after their daughters got engaged, and not just simply found out through wedding invitations. They wouldn't have to find out details about the groom and his family through Internet searches; they would…already know them well.

Richard and I flew to Ottawa easily and I am pretty sure that four other people who were on our flight were people that were going to the wedding as well, as they all carried hangers that obviously contained dresses or suits. They were two couples; one of them was a very athletic girl with long blonde hair who was hanging onto the hand of a very hyperactive looking young man, and the other was a very pretty girl with fantastic curly hair who kept being dipped playfully and spun around in some type of game by a boy with jet black hair and green eyes. When I heard the other boy tease the black-haired boy about being the best man and reason why Imogen and Daniel met in the first place, I realized that…they really were friends of Daniel and Imogen, and apparently that black-haired boy was a common friend who had introduced them.

However, I lost track of them as we boarded the plane; they headed for the economy class while my husband and I were flying first class as we always did. Three and a half hours later, we walked up to the steps of a beautiful, though definitely not a mansion-style house, my husband and I exchanged glances and…I realized why Imogen liked it here so much. It was a really homely place, and it was obvious that the garden was well looked after.

We quickly saw Imogen and Daniel walking out hand in hand, and…I had actually never seen the boy other than just one time. He was just as polite as ever, and it was very clear that he was really intelligent, but he seemed to be even more protective of Imogen than the last time that I saw him, getting up from our lunch many times to get her a glass of water, or juice, or blueberries from the bushes in the back of the house.

The four people who Richard and I saw in the airport must have gotten delayed or something, because they only appeared after lunch, but it sure got a lot louder once they got here. All the young people were practically bursting with excitement and it turns out that my daughter knows her fiancé from their common friend Eli who was the boy spinning that pretty girl with curly hair whose name is apparently Clare, and the other two are Adam and Lana, who apparently were friends of Eli's as well before Imogen and Daniel met them. The girls quickly disappeared because they apparently wanted to see Imogen's dress – Clare and Lana were bridesmaids and Imogen's maid of honour was Jen, her friend from high school who had moved out to UBC for college and only returned last year, and the boys hopped into Eli's car and said they were going to go finish some last minute errands. Richard took a book out to the back yard which was arranged for tomorrow – the garden had been very well tended with roses everywhere and a neighbour who apparently owned a nail salon studio and her husband came by and dropped off a hoopla – one of those arches that apparently he hand-carved. Daniel's mom completely swooned over it, and I had to admit….it was rather unique and it added an air of…enchantment to the entire backyard.

It may not have been a nice reception at the Sutton Place downtown, but…it really did look like what Imogen characterized it when she had first envisioned it to me on the phone…the cutest little backyard wedding there has ever been. After an afternoon of complete madness, once the boys went driving with Eli and the girls went to obsess over their outfits, I just sat down in the sunny country kitchen and realized….how odd this all felt. My daughter was beginning a new life, and…the person who had helped her and mentored her through the wedding process was the same lady walking through the kitchen right now – Daniel's mom Nora. We really didn't have a chance to talk, and her hug when we first met definitely caught me off guard. I can tell that like a lot of people who meet me, she is a little shy around me – she has already apologized for not being able to put Richard and I up in a nicer room despite the fact that the room she did assign to us is very nice indeed, and I can tell that she is stressing around me, thinking that because I am used to a higher standard of things, I will…look down on her.

"Oh, hi. Are you finding everything okay here? Is there anything I can get you? I have some extra blankets in case it gets cold at night," she warmly said in a nervous tone.

"No, it's perfect, everything is perfect. Thank you Nora – for helping my daughter through this whole wedding thing. I know you came to Toronto to get it all planned with her," I started.

"Of course – I never thought I would get to plan a wedding; I'm the mother of four boys and well – you know. I really wanted a girl as well, but it just wasn't in the cards. Whenever Daniel would bring Imogen home on holiday in their college days, I just…I always loved it. I felt like a giggly school girl, counting down each day until I could go to the airport and pick them up. You have raised a fantastic girl, you know," she complimented me…with tears in her eyes. I could hardly believe that she was getting so emotional.

"I'm afraid I can't take much credit. Imogen's always preferred to do her own thing," I said, not really wanting to share.

"She's amazing, and my Daniel loves her a lot. He will take good care of her," she sighed as a thoughtful smile appeared on her face.

"She looks to his place as home, you know," I told Nora and she smiled brightly.

"I'm really glad she does," and she took out some crackers and cheese spread, peanut butter, and a series of homemade jams and explained, "I just wanted to bring the girls a snack. They need to keep their energy up, big day tomorrow".

I moved to help her, and Nora shyly said, "Oh, you don't have to – it's okay," but I insisted, telling her,

"I just wanted to make a plate for Imogen," hoping that she wouldn't realize that it had been well over eight years since I have done anything of the sort.

And then, it happened. A moment that I would remember for the rest of my life – my final rude awakening.

I saw a small blush spread on Nora's cheeks as she looked down and whispered,

"Imogen doesn't like peanut butter," and with that comment, I finally realized that…this lady was more of a mother to my daughter than I had ever been.

I knew she didn't tell me that to be snarky, or to make me realize what I did – she was only being a diligent…_mother_.

And just a few seconds later, I watched Imogen come down the stairs excitedly and Nora gently told her to slow down and never run down the stairs or she could get hurt – rather infantile advice, if one were to ask me, but it seems that Nora had the patience for such things – and as Nora handed her a plate of differently flavoured crackers with different toppings, I could barely believe Imogen's reply.

"Thanks, _mom_. Looks great," she said, as casually as if it were her millionth time referring to Nora as…her _mom_.

**Imogen's POV**

"But did it go well, Lana?" I asked once I got back upstairs and we all started sampling the wonderful jam that Daniel's dad always made. I was asking Lana about the meeting that her and Adam had before coming over to my parents' house; they had headed right from the airport to that meeting. I knew Clare and Eli also went with them for moral support, but it was a huge deal, what Lana and Adam were trying to do, and it was perfect timing with them coming out to Ottawa for my wedding anyway.

"We got on the list, so that's progress," Lana said with a shrug as I saw Clare cast her a small smile.

"Hey, listen, maybe we should have Daniel give things a quick look-over," I suggested. "It's not his type of law, but he has contacts and maybe he can help, you know, when the time comes," I continued, and after some more encouragement on my part and Clare's, Lana finally agreed.

I then heard the door open and I was surprised to see my mom and dad come in, and after they asked for a minute with me, Clare and Lana and Jane left, looking just as confused as I felt.

"Is your room all right? There is a Marriott just a few minutes away if you don't like it," I gently suggested, hoping that they wouldn't actually insult Daniel's mom that way.

"It's really nice, Imogen, it's really nice," my mom said as dad nodded in confirmation.

I…really didn't know what else to say to them. A huge part of me was still surprised that they had actually shown up, and the other part of me was too relieved that I wasn't starting to show to leave room for any other feelings.

"Imogen….your dad and I are really happy for you. Daniel is a nice boy," I heard my mom say.

"Still think he'll never marry me?" I shot, because I just couldn't control myself.

"Let me guess, you came here to tell me to just to go home, not to humiliate myself by being deserted at the altar tomorrow. Well, I'm not doing that, mom. Tomorrow I'm getting married to the boy that I will be spending the rest of my life with, right in the backyard of this house that I love so much," I blurted out.

"No, Imogen, that's not what your dad and I wanted to tell you. We…wanted to apologize for not being supportive of your relationship with Daniel. For not…being there for you like real parents should," my mom whispered, and I…could not believe it. I never expected this, and as much as I had dreamed of such a moment occurring for pretty much all of my life, I never thought it would come.

So I did accept her hug, although…I was not ready to give her my trust yet. I was not going to tell her about our baby; if she figures it out once it's born, then good for her, but…I'm really happy right now and I don't want anything to break this happiness. It's just like Daniel said, him and our baby – we are our own family now.

After I pulled away from her embrace, I then saw my dad smile at me as well and he began, "Imogen, have you and Daniel given any thought to where you might live after the wedding? Are you moving in with him or something?"

"We are actually buying a new apartment, a bigger one, we haven't signed the paperwork yet or anything though," I explained.

My dad then smiled a little wider and said, "Listen, sweetheart, your mom and I have been talking. We were hoping that you and Daniel would let us –"

"Let you what?" I heard Daniel say as he opened the door and rushed to my side immediately, placing his arm around me and asking me, "You all right, baby?" in fear, which I knew was because he must have heard that I was talking to my parents.

"I'm fine, Daniel, I'm good, I'm really good," I gently told him.

"We were hoping that you would let us buy you a house," my dad finished, and I gasped in surprise. Mom then added, "It's the least we could do".

I felt Daniel give my shoulder a squeeze, and he immediately replied,

"Thanks, but no thanks – I can look after my wife very well on my own, thank you very much. I don't know if you remember, but I'm a junior partner at a law firm. We're buying our own place," in a stubborn tone.

I knew that Daniel was trying to tell me that we don't need my parents and that he saw this as the beginning of us being our own family unit, but…the more I thought about it, the more I realized that…I really was okay with my parents doing this.

My mom then spoke out, "Daniel – you and Imogen want to have a family; I can tell – it's plain as day. You two like this family lifestyle that you grew up in – you want a big family just like you and your three brothers grew up with".

"Of course we do. Who wouldn't?" Daniel replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

"So, then, let us do this for you. We've already missed out on so many things that fall under parent duties with Imogen. Let us get you a proper house in Toronto that has space for…a family," my mom finished, and after I nodded and told my mom that we would love that, Daniel reluctantly agreed to split the price of a home with my parents, which really was the best negotiation they were ever going to get with him, as I assured them. It was a miracle that Daniel was going to give in that much in the first place.

"Thank you, mom. Thank you, dad. I love you," I finally said, because I just couldn't contain myself any longer at the vision of…everything falling into place for Daniel and for our baby and myself.

"We love you too, sweetheart. We are so proud of you. So proud," my mom replied as I stepped forward into her embrace and I felt Daniel place his hand on my shoulder. He knew how important those words were to me.

**Clare's POV**

"So, Edwards, first time being a bridesmaid – how did it feel?" Eli asked me with a smirk after we returned from a couple of slow dances.

"I loved it. Good best man's speech, Eli," I complimented him before he leaned in and have me a light kiss.

"What a beautiful wedding," I sighed happily, because it truly was such a thing. Before this, I never really imagined weddings in any other locations but churches, but this beautiful country style wedding was so…perfect. Many of the people wore military uniforms because of Daniel's family involvement, and he more military dress as well, which I know Imogen loved. Both of them just looked so…sure. There was a perfect confidence in Imogen's eyes as her dad walked her down the aisle and Daniel's mom lost all composure and just softly cried in her husband's arms, and Daniel looked like the most confident man on Earth throughout the whole ceremony. I'm pretty sure that I delivered my duties respectably – Daniel's mom was really the one who organized the whole wedding, and she told us than in the simple country style that was respected when she was a young girl, bridesmaids and groomsmen walk down the aisle together before the bride – so I took Eli's arm at the start of the garden aisle and we walked together to the altar…which was an overwhelming feeling.

It made me realize that, had the minister just confused us and started reading out vows to the two of us instead of to Imogen and Daniel, I…would have married Eli right then and there. However, no such thing happened – Eli just whispered a teasing comment in my ear that made me blush about ten different shades of red before we separated and he went to stand on Daniel's side of the altar while I stood on Imogen's.

Their vows were simple and the ceremony wasn't a standard Church of England one, but…it was absolutely perfect.

I snapped out of my thoughts and returned to my conversation with Eli,

"Well – I will practice being Alli's bridesmaid as well, and then I will have to stop, you know what they say," I teased him.

"You're assuming I can wait that long to ask you to marry me," Eli muttered to the side, but I heard him anyway and I couldn't help but smile.

"Eli?" I asked him and he raised an eyebrow in confirmation.

"Alli…is engaged. She's getting married next year," I shared with him.

"Nick proposed?" Eli asked in surprise and I nodded.

"Wow, that's um, that's really great," Eli said, and I could tell that he was happy for them – we spent a bit of time with Alli and Nick going out together and such – but…I also knew that all of this wedding stuff was getting to Eli, and…I knew that he was left wondering where the two of us stand.

I then saw Alli head towards our table – her and Nick had flown in later than us because of her shifts at the hospital; she was working in the neuroscience lab there – and sure enough, she showed her sparkly diamond and gold ring to Eli.

"Congratulations, Alli. I'm really happy for you," he said, and he then flashed me a small smirk before I saw him head to the bar and order a beer.

"Grumpy Eli?" Alli asked with a frown.

"More like…worried Eli," I slowly said.

"What's he got to be so worried about?" Alli pursued.

"The future I think," I replied.

"Come on, now, he's getting his PhD, he'll be all right," Alli answered as she began eating a piece of wedding cake.

"I know…it's just that his education path has been a little longer than his friends' that's all," I modestly said.

"He's worried about showing he's like…worthy of you or something, I bet. He loves you, Clare. I think he wants to…prove that he can take care of you. Just tell him it's okay, I think he's really tripping himself out over this," Alli advised me, and that night as we were lying on the couch back in Toronto in Eli's apartment, I decided to follow Alli's instructions.

However, just as I was racking my brain for the perfect words, I felt Eli slowly run his fingers through my hair and softly say,

"Hey, Clare, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about," and the tone in his voice told me that it was…something serious.

"What's that?" I asked him.

"Well, two of our friends just got married. And I know the fact that they might have a baby made them speed things up a bit, but, still, they got married. And now…your best _female_ friend," Eli said mischievously, clearly wanting to highlight that the two of _us _were best friends, "just got engaged".

"Uh huh," I encouraged him, wanting to say not too much and see where he was going with this.

"I guess that I – I just wanted to tell you that…I'm sorry that it's taking me so long to get my own life and school and stuff figured out," Eli sighed.

"Eli, it's not up to you. You never even took any time off between degrees. This is just the path that you need to follow in order to get to where you want to be," I pointed out.

"I know, but even when I finish it, there still is no guarantee that I'll find a job at U of T," he said directly.

"You _will_," I encouraged him, because it was what I honestly believed.

"But, Clare," he said after he leaned in and kissed my forehead, "I just want you to know that – I'm going to make it work. Between my writing and my degree and the work experience I have, I'm going to do the best that I can. There's something out there that I can do, even if it's not teaching at U of T. I won't let you down. And…your best friend just got engaged, and Imogen got married, I just…I want you to know that I'm not going to…leave you like that little Dutch boy with your finger in the dam," Eli said, referring to one of Scotty's favourite stories.

He meant…for me not to worry being left behind my other girlfriends who were all getting married. _Oh, Eli. _

"I _don't _worry about that, silly," I gently told him, running my fingers through his hair before kissing his piercing. "And may I just point out the obvious – Eli, I'm still in school too, I'm not exactly…there yet," I finished.

"Do you think that maybe after we're both done with school…you _will _be there?" Eli asked me, his piercing green eyes staring right through me.

"After I have a job…yes, I think so," I admitted, and I could tell that that was the answer that Eli had searched for, as he reached down and captured my lips in a soft kiss at once.

XXXXXXX **– Six months later – **

**Alli's POV**

"I still don't like the idea of you living all alone in six months," I told Clare over breakfast with a frown, but I could tell that she wasn't paying any attention to me. She wasn't even eating anything, just downing a coffee at the speed of light, so I attempted again,

"I mean, I'm excited to get married and live with Nick, but you and I have lived together for so long and I just…don't want anything to change," I said, but…again, no luck.

"Alli, Alli, I know, but we'll still make sure to see each other lots. And don't worry about me living alone, I'll be fine," she said as she rinsed her mug out and scrambled to the door to put on her jacket and her shoes.

"I'm pretty sure Eli will hire you a bodyguard once he finds out you plan on living all alone," I teased her.

"He already knows I'll be living on my own after your wedding," Clare said as she dropped her purse and everything spilled out, which caused her to let out an exasperated groan. I walked over to help her pick up all of her things, and asked,

"And what does he say and think about it?"

"Exactly what you just said and what my dad is always saying too - that a girl my age shouldn't live all alone. Pretty sure he's already looked into private security firms," Clare replied with a slight smile, and I was glad to see her attempt to crack a joke.

However, then she just dropped her purse again, spilling everything out another time, and I just grabbed her shaking hands and said,

"Hey, hey, Clare, what's wrong? Where are you rushing off to anyway? What's going on?" in shock at how unnerved she was.

"I have to see him, I just have to see him, I'm late, I slept in and now I'm behind schedule," she mumbled, and it was only as I was placing her phone in her purse and saw the date displayed on its screen that I caught on, and kicked myself mentally for not realizing earlier that it's…

"April twenty-second," I whispered and Clare shut her eyes tightly.

"Is he going to be okay?" I asked, knowing that this was always a hard day for Eli…and I understood. I knew that Eli would always feel responsible for Julia's death, and that the guilt might not _ever_ go away. It reminded me a lot of…my mom and how she tool grandpa's death. He had had a stroke ten years ago and on the anniversary of his death, my mom always tells my dad that had she got him into a doctor earlier, they could have gotten him on the necessary blood thinners earlier and he could have had at least one more year with us. My mom will always think about things like that – and I can just _tell_ that it's similar to the way Eli thinks about that horrible night.

"Alli, it's a hard day for him. It will always be, so I need to go to him - right now," Clare declared and after we fixed her purse, I was grateful that Sav had dropped off my dad's truck at my house last night after running some errands because I was now able to drive Clare. I'm pretty sure Eli would never forgive me if I let her drive in this state, and I'm not just worried that he'd never help me lift heavy things after this…Eli is good for Clare. I was wrong all that time ago when I said that he was killing happy Clare. Eli's care _made_ happy Clare possible, many times when even my friendship couldn't. Clare…needs Eli. She might not like to hear this, so I'd never say it to her face, but she needs to be protected. Every girl does.

"Call me if you need anything," I reminded her as she stepped out of the car and I watched her practically run into Eli's apartment building.

**Clare's POV**

"Hey," I softly said to Eli as I walked into the apartment, wrapping him up into an embrace at once. I could just…feel the tension in his body, that horrible tension that I hated so much. He was wearing all black, which was definitely not a new thing for him, but I also knew that he had gone to Julia's grave in the morning with his parents, like he always did on this day. Last year I also went, and Eli tightly held my hand and was the one to comfort me almost, but...I didn't want to go again. I felt like…the grieving was something really intimate between Eli and his parents because what I hadn't realized until last year was how hard this day also hit Cece and Bullfrog.

Cece softly cried the entire time and Bullfrog just kept her in a tight embrace, and it really made me realize that Eli's parents must have been like Julia's surrogate parents – their home had been her only sanctuary in order for her to get away from the abuses of her stepmom, and…they must have felt like they practically lost a child as well. They must have felt extreme guilt that a young, beautiful, and talented girl with the rest of her life ahead of her died while under their care, and every landmark that Eli and myself and people our age have gotten to experience…she had not. And I now realized that…if things were so bad for Julia that she had actually moved in with Eli, _of course_ he must have felt like her safety was his job. And out of all things possible…_she had died. She hadn't gotten hurt or something like that…She had died. _While Eli felt responsible for her well-being and took pride in being able to provide her safety. Often people said that Eli was so protective because of what he had experienced with Julia's death, but…I beg to differ with that point. I can tell that…Eli had been born protective. And…when we went to see baby Mia, to visit his aunt, and I overheard that as a child, Eli used to see the bruises her boyfriend used to put on her arms and go around saying that when he was going to grow up he was going to be a police officer so he could protect her…I realized that that must have only exacerbated his protective instincts. And then…the closest person in his life at that time whom he felt completely trusted with when it came to her safety had died. And then…Fitz had told him those awful things about being….gentle when he'd _have sex_ with me. I really couldn't believe it all in retrospect. Eli had been suffering with such heavy burdens at such a fragile age for so long…hiding his pain behind a mask that it took his parents and even myself much too long to detect.

But not again. Eli was _always_ taking care of me.

For one day in the year, _I _could be the one to take care of _him _too.

"I love you," I softly whispered as I ran my hands up and down his arms, through his hair, everywhere that I could touch him in our embrace. "I love you, I love you, I love you," I kept softly repeating, and the soft shaking of his body told me that he was crying.

I gently guided him over to the brown leather couch that he had in his living room and he pulled me onto his lap but didn't say anything, so I just kept bushing his bangs back as I felt him lean into my touch and saw him close his eyes. I then gently asked,

"Everything go okay this morning?" not wanting to use the specific word of the destination.

"It was fine," he softly said and then I felt him exhale deeply.

"Clare…I have another place to go to, and please don't feel like you have to come if you don't want to. I have…never done this before in this day, but…it hit me today that…I _hate _going to that cemetery. Actually, no, I've always known that – it has just never meant Julia to me. I don't want her site there to be abandoned, so of course I bring flowers, but…I don't think it's what she would want me to do exactly. I think…doing something else in addition would be better," he slowly said as I nodded encouragingly.

"Whatever and whenever Eli, if you want me to come, there's no place I'd rather be other than by your side," I replied as I hung onto him tighter and I saw his teary eyes shine with gratefulness.

He then pointed out to a large amount of bags marked 'Michael's Arts and Crafts' that I didn't notice on my way in, most likely because I was in such a rush.

"Remember how I told you that Julia liked painting a lot? That she was an artist? And in her last year, she began giving lessons to the seniors at the community centre, and she kept giving them even after she realized that the seniors weren't really interested in learning about art but rather just wanted someone to listen to them –" he said, and he took a minute as his voice cracked before continuing, "and…she wasn't mad that they really didn't want to paint, but she just listened to them?"

"Of course I remember," I encouraged him.

"I just…I think the proper thing to do to…remember her on this day would be to…take those art supplies that I bought to the university daycare. I know they always need donations, and I thought…it would be good if the kids there got to paint today. I just thought…it would be a good thing to happen today. I thought about taking them to the seniors' centre but –" Eli explained, and by now I was in tears myself, and I held him tighter and placed a hand over his heart as I shakily said,

"Eli…what a beautiful idea. I love it, kids are a better choice…they are…the future. Bright and happy and…energetic – just like she was when she painted, Eli. Just like she was. They are going to want to paint, Eli, it will be such a nice surprise. What a beautiful way for her…_to be alive today_," I pointed out as I felt Eli's chest tremble next to my own and I continued in a shaky voice, "It's perfect, Eli and I really would love to be a part of it. She would love that so many kids are going to experience art today…it's so appropriate. This – the gift of art to kids who might not a chance to get such nice supplies otherwise – this _is_ her memory," I pointed out and I then retreated into his neck and I felt him gently running his fingers through my curls.

"Clare…I love you, I love you," he softly repeated over and over again.

"I know, Eli - I know that," I told him, because something told me I needed to.

About thirty minutes later, we walked into the really nice daycare centre where a really polite older lady greeted us warmly, and I knew that Eli must have arranged this ahead because as she saw all of the bags that we unloaded she immediately said,

"Hello there – you must be Eli," and he nodded politely and introduced me as his girlfriend.

"Well, this is just really so wonderful – my name is Barb, I am the centre director. What a kind act on your part, we are so grateful. These are such nice supplies – the children will love them, they aren't used to being given presents like this, you know. And I see you brought cookies and juice boxes as well – you two are sure going to be a hit," Barb said with a warm smile. It really had been a good idea on Eli's part to include treats for the kids – I could tell that the time he had spent with Scotty had made him learn that lesson really well.

Barb then guided us to the kids' art corner and Eli and I and her began laying out the canvases and paintbrushes and the many colour paint sets that Eli had bought, and Barb filled up the water containers that Eli had thoughtfully chosen as well while I set up a table for the cookies and juice boxes.

It was obvious that Eli had called ahead and asked for the number of children in the daycare – which I now figured out to be about forty – but I could tell that he hadn't told Barb the whole story as to why exactly we were doing this – she did know he was a student in his final year of his PhD and she knew he studied English Lit because as we were setting up, she began casually chatting with him about her daughter who was still in high school but planning to come to U of T to study English. Eli gave her some advice to pass on to her after we had finished setting up and we were waiting for the kids to come in from the playground.

Just as they did, in a mass of excited questions and little limbs flying everywhere in the cubby room as they took their coats and jackets off, we heard gasps and 'wows' at the sight of their outlined activity, and Barb shot us a quick smile and said,

"The kids are used to doing lots of centre activities here but they never get cute little paint sets like this that they can take home". She then instructed her staff to get have the kids wash their hands as they would be eating the cookies and juice that we brought as well, and about fifteen minutes later, all of the kids were finally seated down at the table and ready to begin.

Barb then clapped her hands to get their attention and warmly and slowly said,

"Okay, boys and girls, we have a very special activity today as you can see. These very nice presents were brought to you by two big students from right here at the university, so can you all say thank you to Eli and Clare?" and the children did so at once, erupting in one of the most adorable choruses that I had ever heard as I grabbed Eli's hand and gave it a squeeze. I was impressed with how well he was holding himself together, and there was a faint wistful smirk playing on the corner of his lips as the kids began painting excitedly and Barb turned on some music.

She then turned to Eli and I and said,

"Maybe you two would like to say a couple of words to the kids?" and I saw Eli hesitate so I just gently gave his hand another squeeze and gave him an encouraging nod.

He slowly started, "Hi everyone. Clare and I just wanted to stop by and say hi and bring you some snacks and art supplies. We're doing this for a friend of ours who couldn't be here today," and I had to fight really hard to hold back my tears when I heard Eli use a common pronoun. A friend of _ours._

The kids then listened as Eli softly continued, "And because she can't be here, maybe I'll just tell you what she always used to say to people to who she taught art. Don't hold back. Paint whatever you like in whichever way you like, and don't let anyone else tell you that it is wrong. When you paint, you're free to do whatever you want," and…I saw Barb give him a bright smile and tear up.

I knew she had understood why Eli was doing this when he had referenced Julia as someone who couldn't be here today. And I knew that…she got it. She just got it right away. She got Eli and she got what he was trying to do and she approved of it with all her heart.

And personally, I knew that Eli was really good with kids and I adored kids a lot myself, but…I am not sure that I had ever seen such a large group of them so incredibly peaceful until that day. Barb encouraged us to walk around and give each of the kids a cookie and a juice box as they painted, and as we did so, I was really amazed with how…at peace Eli was.

He had stopped in front of a little girl with loose black hair and perfect little bangs who was clearly…a little more artistically gifted than her peers because the little girl had asked him a question and Clare watched as Eli bent down to her level and said,

"I love it. I think it's beautiful," and the little girl coyly smiled, obviously pleased with Eli's answer.

"Thank you," she said. "Your name is Eli?"

"It is. What's yours?" Eli playfully asked her.

"Stephanie," the little girl answered as she diligently dipped her paintbrush in water.

"Well, Stephanie, you have a gift. You are an amazing artist," Eli complimented her.

"That's what mommy says," the little girl giggled.

"Mommy's right," Eli countered at once, and then he called me over and both of us spent a few more minutes with Stephanie, who was a very talkative little girl who obviously enjoyed our attention.

After twenty more minutes, Eli gently took my hand and whispered in my ear, "I…can we go now?" and I nodded at once. Eli checked with Barb, and I could tell it was because he was feeling a little guilty that we'd leave her with a big mess, but she just enthusiastically told him that it would be more than fine and that she had plenty of staff who would help her with that task.

I knew that doing something so new and different was beginning to take its toll on Eli and it was like I could practically see his sadness weigh his body now as we got out of the car and walked up the stairs to his apartment. I knew he didn't have much left in him – it was five pm by this time – so I just opened his door for him; his hands were shaking and causing him to be unable to insert the key into the lock properly.

"You okay?" I softly asked him, because the shaking of his hands did worry me a bit.

"Um, yeah, it's just…a lot of new faces…and…I'm sorry, Clare," he whispered as we entered the apartment. I took his hand and gently led him inside his bedroom, because I knew that he would be spending the rest of this day in bed. He took off his shoes and jacket and crept in slowly, holding his arms open for me and I crawled into them at once. He gently ran his fingers through my hair as he whispered,

"Clare…I'll be okay. If there's somewhere you need to be or if you have things to do. I…can be okay on my own. Today was different than all other past years," he pointed out, and I knew that were I to leave, he would be fine indeed. Sad, but okay. But…I didn't want to leave. This was the only place where I should be right now.

"No, Eli, I _want to _stay with you," I plainly told him.

Eli then fixed his eyes on mine and vulnerability dripped from his voice as he said, "Clare…thank you for not giving up on me," and I felt my chest physically ache…because…I had. For a while there, I had given up on him, and it was the greatest gift that God gave to me that Eli was able to get better on his own.

But there really was only one possible reply to what he had just said to me.

"No, Eli. Thank _you_ for not giving up on _me_," I countered, and I reached up to push his bangs back and I took a risk and initiated a slow kiss, and much to my relief, Eli kept it going for a pretty while.

However, after he tossed and turned and I could tell that he was a little stressed so I softly placed my arms around him and asked,

"What's wrong, Eli? Talk to me," because I knew he needed specific instructions right now or we might just…misunderstand each other.

"Clare…you know how much I love you right?" he whispered as he stared right into my eyes.

"Of course," I replied.

He then mumbled into his pillow, "All I want to do is –" but I finished that sentence for him.

"Look after me," and I saw Eli nod tearfully and he then shut his eyes and continued, "But...look at me, I'm a mess. I will a_lways _be a mess on this date. I'm a fraud – I'm only a boyfriend 364 days of the year, and that's _not _okay," he whined.

"You're wrong," I deadpanned and I saw Eli flash me a questioning gaze.

"Eli…I don't…think like that. I know that…if _anything,_ even the slightest thing were to happen to me on April 22nd," I said, and I felt Eli's whole body be overcome by a large tremor at once, and I instantly regretted my choice of words. "No, I mean, if I was ever upset on April 22nd, I _know_ that you would be there for me in a heartbeat. _In a heartbeat_, Eli, I know it," I honestly told him.

"And I would," he eagerly said, determination etched across his entire face. "No matter what, I would," he emphasized. "I just hate that…I drag you into this every year. You still have to deal with my baggage," he softly said.

"Shh. Shh, it's not like that. It's not baggage. It's a part of who you are – it wasn't in your control, and it break my heart that it happened, but it's a part of who you are, and I love every part of who you are," I reminded him, employing the same logic that Eli had highlighted to me in relation to my vow.

I then caressed his cheek as I directed his gaze towards mine and I whispered, "Eli…I'm right here".

"You stayed," he whined, hiding his face in my neck and intriguing me a little by his use of past tense. But…I understood him the more I thought about it.

"Why?" I then heard him choke out.

"Why? Because…love doesn't run," I simply put it, and Eli pulled out of our embrace a little so he could fix my gaze on mine as I continued,

"You're my best friend, Eli, and you have stood by my side through everything," I pointed out, tearing up myself at this point. "Love doesn't run. It doesn't hide. It won't turn away or back down from a fight. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. Love is too tough. It won't give up. Not on us," I told him, and I heard him emphatically whisper, "Thank you," before he closed his eyes at the sensation of my fingers running through his hair, like he always did.

XXXXXXXXXX -**Two months later-**

**Adam's POV**

"She said…no. That she isn't sure. That…she likes us, but that there she just isn't sure yet," I heard Lana calmly tell me, and as much as I could tell that she was trying to be her usual strong self…this news had completely devastated us both, I could tell.

There was…a little boy that Lana had found about scrolling the government adoption website – she didn't confess to me that it was a habit of hers ever since things had become a little more financially stable for us until I caught her. Only then did she finally tell me that she had checked on him every month ever since his mom had listed him on there, which was pretty much as soon as she found out she was pregnant.

And Lana and I had done everything on that stupid checklist. We had gotten the necessary background checks, we used Eli and Clare as references because those two guys can write kick-ass letters, and even Daniel, a junior partner for the army's legal defense firm checked over all of our paperwork, for crying out loud. Lana and I had even…gotten married in a rush because apparently that helped your chances. And for that, Clare gave us complete and total heck – her and Eli were our witnesses at City Hall, and despite the fact that we told Clare that we were going to do a ceremony at a country club later, once we got our little boy, she was still constantly on our case about how we couldn't just forget, how we deserve a real wedding and so on and so forth. And I completely agreed with her, I wanted to give Lana a real wedding, I knew that was a major girl thing, but Lana had been the one to push for us to just do it at City Hall first, and I knew that had been because she wanted to get married as soon as possible.

I know that giving up your baby is hard. But she will do it anyway; doubting adoption isn't her problem. She told us, looked us in the eye and told us that she simply doesn't have the resources to look after a baby and that she was completely sure that adoption was best for her.

Her problem is us.

Her problem is _me_.

But she's wrong.

And this is about more than me. It's about Lana, and it's about that baby.

And I know that that baby could have a good life with us.

That's why I didn't even bother replying to Lana's comment, and I could tell that spooked her a little. I just grabbed the car keys from the bowl that we keep them in and drove right to the adoption agency's office. I knew that Abby must still be there if she just talked to Lana; they always monitored these calls with the adoption counsellor right there.

And fifteen minutes later, I could tell that I had been right. And when I walked in, I saw Abby exhale deeply, and I could tell that she felt a little…guilty.

"Please, just give me three minutes," I assertively said, and I noticed the counsellor giving Abby a funny look, but she dismissed her obvious concern with a simple hand gesture and carried on,

"Adam, I'm really sorry. I could tell that Lana was really upset".

"Are you still sure that adoption is the route you want to go?" I began by asking that question, not wanting to aggravate a delicate situation if Abby had changed her mind when it came to that.

"It is," she said with a slow nod.

"Why did you pick our file? Me and Lana's?" I continued.

I saw her shift a little uncomfortably before she lifted her gaze and softly said, "Because…I actually liked you guys. Out of everyone, you two just seemed like…the kind of people I would want him to grow up with".

"So see – you _did_ like us," I couldn't help but point out. I then slowly continued, "You have every reason to take all the time in the world to decide this," reminding myself that the baby was still one month away from being born.

"And I'm only being this pushy, and trust me, I hate myself for it, because we've been waiting for your little boy for so long. My wife logged into the adoption agency site _every day, _holding her breath that you would still be listed, and about fifteen times each day to check for an update once we got our file in. We've been waiting to have a baby for _so long_, and we don't know how long it's going to be before we get another chance again. So just please…don't write us off. Just…consider us. My wife is an incredible woman. She is loving, and devoted, and caring. I love her more than anything in this world…and it – it," I faltered as I tried to keep my voice from breaking, "It _kills me_ that I can't give her a baby. I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But you see, my wife – Lana…_she's already there_. She's…a mother…without a baby. Please," I said, explaining things as plainly as I could as Abby fidgeted and fixed her gaze so powerfully on mine.

Fifteen minutes later, I opened our apartment door to a Lana who was biting her nails and whose entire face was red and her hands were shaking.

And after I asked her,

"You still want that baby boy?" the largest smile that I have ever seen in my entire life crossed her face and she jumped into my arms and did something that she very rarely did.

She cried.

XXXXXXXXXXX **–Three months later-**

**Clare's POV**

"Well, we have official god parents' duties, now Eli, maybe it _does _bother me," I teased him. Sitting at the reception table of Adam and Lana's wedding at the Delta Country Club in Toronto and looking at Lana holding their beautiful baby boy while Imogen was holding her tiny little girl, just one month older than Adam and Lana's baby…I couldn't help but be so happy for our friends and wish that I would get a call back from a law firm already. Eli had graduated and had applied for jobs at universities himself, and he had gotten an interview at U of T right away, which had pleased him immensely. I know that nothing is technically set in stone for him with that yet, but…I just have a feeling that he will get it. And once I get a good job as well, we can…move forward. Eli knows that's the order I wanted to go in, and he has been very respectful.

"Aw, Clare, come on," he shot back, and I couldn't control myself any longer and I burst out in giggles. "Of course I don't mind," I confessed. Eli had asked me if I minded driving back – he had driven me over here – and I knew he wanted to have a couple of drinks, which didn't bother me at all, so I stopped teasing him about going up to the bar and he joined Adam and Daniel there. Daniel's mom was also at the wedding as she had come down for a weekend visit with Imogen's baby girl Nikki being so tiny – Daniel's mom loved to help out, and Daniel always teased her about how she was always making excuses to come down and see them because she was so thrilled to finally have a baby girl by extension through them, and I knew that his teasing did contain some truth to it. Lana and Adam's tiny Sean was starting to cry, so as his official god mother I grabbed him from his mom and upon Lana's instructions, I found that a diaper change was exactly what he needed.

As I walked towards the bathroom, I looked over at the bar, I could hear Daniel confidently telling Eli, "Hell yes, it's all going well – this whole daddy thing, I got it! I ain't even scared. Bring it on, baby," with a wink at Imogen and she laughed wildly in reponse as her little girl fussed softly in her arms.

After quickly performing the necessary diaper change, I got back to the beautifully decorated country club banquet hall, because I knew that it was almost time for Eli's best man speech. When Adam had first asked him to be his best man, Eli had double-checked that that would be all right with Drew, and Drew so eloquently told Eli that he'd never be able to 'string enough sentences together for a best man's speech,' and all three boys agreed that the speech better be left up to the boy with a PhD in English Lit. Eli had also organized Adam's bachelor party, which I was rather thrilled to find out was paint ball festivities – although I trust Eli wholeheartedly, I wasn't so sure how I would have reacted if he would have come to me and told me that the bachelor party would be some crazy stripper affair. But...of course it wasn't that, I soon told myself; Adam and Eli and even Daniel just weren't the type of boys to go for such a thing – as Alli termed them, they were much too 'love-struck' to jeopardize the things that they had.

Everyone then heard Adam's dad tap a glass with his fork as he introduced Eli, and he shot me a smirk before he got up and I couldn't help but proudly beam up at him.

"Thank you Mr. Torres. Now, I've had the pleasure of knowing these two as a couple ever since Lana transferred to the freezing and gritty city of Toronto from the home of sun and surf," Eli started, shooting Lana a confused look as he audibly whispered, "What were you thinking?" and Lana's entire family burst into laughter and a few "I told her she'd freeze to death"s could be heard throughout the room.

"While Adam has been my closest guy friend since I first came to Degrassi – our highschool - , I got to meet Lana when she became my English partner towards the end of grade eleven. And through Lana telling me just how fabulous my work was," and I heard a few chuckles from the people who knew what subject area Eli had gotten his degree in, "and me trying to teach her once and for all that 'favour' really _is_ spelled with a 'u' in Canada and 'centre' really _does_ end in an 're,' particulars that I know to this date she still refuses to employ in her writing as an homage to the land of freedom and a subversive message to the true north strong and free, that did after all, bring her the greatest gift of all – love".

Eli then got an amused little smirk in the room as he paused and laughter came from both the Canadian and American sides of the room, "Well…somewhere between all of that, I quickly realized this was the girl for Adam when in the moment that I asked her if she really was named after teenage Superman's girlfriend, she instantly knew what I was talking about," Eli continued as Lana's parents high fived each other exaggeratedly and Eli laughed in response.

"And from then began my yearlong saga of waking up every post-Adam and Lana-date morning to hearing how she sounded, the descriptions of how her heir blew in the wind, how her eyes sparkled, how she looked at him, how she laughed at his jokes – well, you've always been an overly nice girl, Lana – we both know that in me and Adam's bromance, _I_ am the one blessed with the gift of humour," Eli said mischievously as Adam shot him a playful glare, "and I do believe my _extra human_ patience has been rewarded as twelve years later, here I am, expert matchmaker, toasting to Adam and Lana at their wedding," he continued, and the slight inflection in his tone told me that the direction of his speech was changing, and the room then quieted down.

Eli slowly continued, "And there is not a doubt in my mind that I am the happiest friend in the world today. Today – I get something that I've always wanted – a sister," and I noticed Lana's eyes tear up as she looked directly at Eli, "But it's more than that – today me and all of you get to see the power of love. Adam and Lana are best friends; you see, while I am his best male friend – I am not completely dethroned from an honourable position, thank you very much – she is his best _female_ friend. It is no secret to anyone in this room that sometimes, people try to put definitions and barriers on love," Eli said as I looked around the room and saw everyone nodding, "but…that's wrong," Eli deadpanned,

"Because love is not something to be restrained, but something to be fought for, maintained, and worked at every day – and when you get to do that with your best friend, you truly are the luckiest person in the world," Eli said in a raspy voice as his gaze locked with my own, "and that's why everything that we are all fortunate enough to witness tonight, and tomorrow will last a lifetime – of that I am sure. Because what Adam and Lana have knows no barriers; it is the most honest and connected type of human relationship that exists. It exceeds the abstract boundaries placed by judgemental individuals of our society; because when one is willing to stand up in front of God," Eli said, and I became even more fascinated as he approached this topic – I knew Lana's family was religious and Adam's a little as well, and my heart swelled when I realized that Eli must have really thoughtfully planned to include this, "and commit oneself in that type of partnership, for better or worse, in sickness and health – _that_ is a marriage; _that_ is real; and _that_'s all that matters. And anyone who may not agree just…hasn't caught up with God yet," Eli delicately said as I saw Mrs. Torres flash him a smile, and I felt herself tear up at the beautiful way Eli was explaining everything; he had clearly done his research and presented his own interpretation in such a beautiful way.

He flashed a wide smirk to the entire room as he continued, "Today we gathered to celebrate love and happiness and loyalty and in my opinion…a little bit of magic; to bring together two exceptional and beautiful individuals who deserve all the happiness in the world. To Adam and Lana," he finished. The sound of colliding glasses then filled the room as Eli toasted with me and I leaned in and whispered, "I love you," in his ear, and Eli stole a kiss before telling me, "I love you too".

XXXXXXXXXX

**Clare's POV**

"Hey," I greeted Eli at my apartment door, and he picked me up at once and spun me around joyously, making me realize at once what had happened.

"You got it?" I asked him excitedly. I was so happy for him. Eli deserved nothing but to always be happy; he worked so hard for everything that he had and so many things in life had not come easy to him.

"I did, Dr. Gifford didn't even leave me hanging, within a minute of being in his office he told me 'Eli, I'd like to offer you a position with the English Department,' and…oh, Clare, I just feel – I feel so amazing!" he exclaimed joyously as he put me down and I pulled out a little bit of champagne out of my fridge the next minute.

"I knew you'd get it," I shyly explained when Eli flashed me an inquiring look that I knew was in response to the fact that I kept a bottle of champagne in my apartment.

"And – get this – "he continued as he all but exploded from joy, "It's a tenure –track position," Eli continued, and I now understood why he was so _incredibly_ excited. Tenure track positions meant…job security. Eli finally had what he always wanted for himself for so long now. If he was hired on a tenure track position, that meant that he could teach at U of T until retirement age, and progress through the ranks.

Eli flashed me a huge smirk as he added, "And he told me that I should take the summer to write and try to get a first novel published". Eli had published many stories by now, but his school work hadn't allowed him to focus on a novel, and I knew that he had wanted to.

"Sounds fantastic," I said as we toasted and took a sip.

"Mmm. So fruity and bubbly," I commented as I pulled him over to the couch and sat down on his lap. I rewarded him with a few kisses before I pulled away and rested my head on his chest, and I felt him begin to twirl one of my curls between his index and middle finger as he continued,

"Clare…I need to ask you something. The novel that I plan on writing this summer…I was hoping I could base it on our story. Loosely base it, have a protagonist named June – because –"he started, but I cut him off at once.

"Because back in high school, we were counting down the days until June could come and we wouldn't have school anymore, and we could just go on urban adventures, you driving and me with my feet upon the dash board of Morty listening along to the radio," I filled in for him, regret lacing my voice.

"Exactly," Eli said as he gave me a light squeeze and kissed my forehead in a successful attempt to make me feel just a bit better.

"Of course, Eli. Of course I want you to write our story," I told him and I moved off of his chest so we could share a few more kisses.

"I'm so happy for you," I breathed as we pulled away, but I could tell that I wasn't able to completely fool Eli – I'm sure that he did pick up on the fact that I was ecstatic for him, but….I was also worried about something.

"Clare…do you see what this means?" he softly asked and I shook my head, not sure of what he was referring to.

"I…can take care of us now. I know you're still going through job interviews, and…however long it takes, I want you to take your time and find a law firm that you like. In the meantime…I can take care of us," he said with complete sincerity.

"I don't want you to feel obligated to do that," I tried to reason with him.

"It's not that I feel like I _have to_; it's that I _want to_," he replied.

"Eli, I need to work as well," I answered.

"I know, and I love how committed you are to your work. I'm just saying…this period after finishing law school and finding a firm – don't stress and jump at the first firm that hires you – Daniel says law students take the summer waiting to hear back from firms and…don't feel like you have to rush, please. We're a team, remember?" he softly said.

"Okay, but this doesn't change anything in terms of me trying to find the firm that is the best fit for me _as soon as possible_," I warned him. I had enough savings to carry me through until the probably time that I should hired around, and help from my parents if I needed it. I didn't want to take portions of Eli's first few real paycheques, and I knew I wasn't going to do such a thing, but agreeing with him meant something else to him, and I knew it.

It meant that I recognized and accepted the fact that all Eli wanted to do was take care of me and keep me safe and happy.

"Thank you," I whispered to him right against his lips before he captured them in a kiss and I asked him to sleep over, both of our bodies shaking with excitement at the realization that…we were getting close to our wedding day. My vow was not any easier to keep now than it had ever been, but…like Eli said, it's what's gotta be.

XXXXXXXXXX

**Eli's POV**

"Eli," Clare sighed emotionally, "You made June the hero," and I couldn't understand why she was so surprised.

"That's because she _is _the hero," I spelled it out for her, and I felt her arms wrap around my shoulders at once and she pulled me in for a deep kiss.

After we had to pull away, she kept playing with the hair at the nape of my neck and softly said,

"What an honour, Eli. To be represented so beautifully in what I'm sure will be the best seller of the year. This…is the most special and meaningful thing that anyone has done for me," Clare said emotionally, and I pulled her in for a hug upon seeing her like that.

"Um, about the sales, I wouldn't get my hopes up – the English Department will push it on my students and I may only sell like three hundred copies," I replied, secretly hoping I could do better than that.

"Highly doubt _that_," Clare replied…and I loved how much she believed in me.

It…made me feel like I could do anything I ever wanted. Her confidence in me gave me the ultimate strength.

"I can't believe you wrote it in only a month," she exclaimed incredulously.

"Well, no more classes – I had all this free time, and now off to get edited it goes, and then it will be….real," I reflected, the whole experience feeling like something that existed in my head over the last month…writing was a weird thing sometimes.

"I just know it's going to be a hit," Clare praised me again, making my heart leap with joy. "_When_ you become a bestselling author, would you stop teaching?" she asked me.

"_If _such a thing ever happens – no, I don't think so," I answered, and I could tell that my answer wasn't exactly what she had expected, so I explained, "I…like the atmosphere at U of T. I think I'm going to like university students and writing critical articles and such, and the best thing is that a big part of my job will be producing my own writing. I'll be close to the industry, but most importantly…in touch with the real world, you know? Writing can make me get lost in my own head space and not come out for weeks sometimes. I don't…I don't want to do that," I explained, and I knew Clare understood at once.

"I know what you mean. I think all writers feel that way," she gently told me, and I loved…how her perfect comment made me realize that…I may not be so messed up after all.

"Hey, so I have some news too," Clare said with a beaming smile.

"You got a good job offer?" I replied at once with a huge smirk. I know how much she has been stressing over this lately, and I stressed about it for a long time just a few months ago so I completely understood how important this was to her.

"Yes – working for the Human Rights Tribunal," she squealed, and I couldn't resist twirling her around after she ran into my arms.

"Eli?" she asked me with a blush on her cheeks after I had set her down after a few celebratory spins and a dip.

"I'm really happy," she sighed.

"Me too, Clare. Me too. You know what I think?" I played with her.

"What's that?" she asked as she tapped my nose.

"I think we should go on an urban adventure to celebrate. When do you start work?" I asked.

"Orientation tomorrow, and then I don't have a break until two weeks in the middle of August," she told me.

"That's perfect," I declared, as my summer was wide open until I'd be teaching my first round of classes ever in September.

"This is going to be a pretty big urban adventure if we'll need two weeks for it?" she asked me with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, we need to up the ante now; we have real jobs, we're not just highschoolers anymore. I was thinking we could go back to Europe and visit some of the places that we never got to when you came and visited me on reading break when I was at Oxford," I proposed.

"Really?" Clare asked me as a huge smile took over her entire face and I swear, her eyes practically sparkled.

"Really. If you want to, we'll start looking at plane tickets right away," I said before I leaned in for a kiss to sweeten my proposition.

"I want to, Eli. I really want to," she breathed as I pulled away, and an hour of browsing later, we had decided to start our international urban adventure in…Spain.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

**Eli's POV**

"Well, when you know, you know," the salesman told me as I signed his copy of the receipt and he returned my MasterCard to me.

"Oh, trust me – I _definitely _know," I replied with a smirk and rolled my eyes in response at my dad's unnecessary laughter and teasing.

As we walked out of the store together and he kept his teasing up, all I had to do to get him to stop was simply point out,

"You know, dad, you're just lucky that I couldn't be there when you did this – but I can always ask mom about how it happened".

As soon as I said that, my dad just rolled his eyes at me and finally decided to keep quiet.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

**Clare's POV **

"I'm really glad we chose Barcelona," I blissfully told Eli as we made our way from the most precious hotel run by the most adorable Spanish family to the beach.

"Me too. These beaches really are something – how are we ever gonna go back to those excuses for a beach that we have in Toronto?" Eli said with a smirk that only got wider when I handed him my bottle of sunscreen after we put our blankets down and settled down into a nice spot on the hot beach. I could tell that he got my hint right away as he moved to sit behind me and he slowly applied the sunscreen as he teasingly massaged my skin.

"You're so tanned," he absent mindedly commented.

"Well, unlike _some people_ I actually believe in sunscreen – no burns and a few days later, you can have a nice tan," I teased him.

"It's just not my style, rubbing that stuff all over me," he replied.

"So instead you walked around as red as a crab for the first few days we were here," I said with a laugh – I couldn't wait to get our pictures from those days to Adam; I knew he'd appreciate that.

"Well, I don't mind sunscreen so much when I get to make sure _you_ put it on," Eli said and I felt him place a few playful kisses on the back of my neck that made me squeal in delight.

"You also have more freckles," Eli added as he moved to sit by my side and we lay down to face each other. I couldn't help but giggle in response to that comment.

"I can't believe you noticed that," I barely managed to get out as I pulled him down into an embrace and rested my head on his chest.

"You normally have twelve freckles. But now you have twenty three," Eli then said, surprising me even more as he pushed my bangs away from my face.

"Eli, you're so silly," I just softly giggled, but I internalized what that observation on his part really revealed, and I couldn't help but give him another kiss.

I then felt a shadow come over us, and when I looked up I noticed that it was a teenage girl selling roses, which was rather popular on Spanish beaches, and I could feel myself blush when Eli obliged with a smirk. The girl smiled at the two of us and gestured for me to put it into my hair and once I did so, meeting the Spanish tourist stereotype, she responded with something along the lines of,

"_Que bonita_," which Eli then proceeded to look up into the Spain travel book that we had brought along and he determined it to mean, "So pretty".

When he figured that out he gasped exaggeratedly and said, "She stole my line!" as he gestured a knife entering his heart. I laughed out loud at his playful jealousy and stood up at once, wanting to enter the water now.

I then felt my blush get even deeper as Eli made no attempt to hide the fact that he was staring at me as I took my jean shorts off, and then he even got closer and placed a hand on my lower back and huskily whispered,

"Edwards, the shimmy out of those shorts is the _ultimate_ tease. Even worse than that itty bitty bikini".

I just slapped his shoulder and replied, "It's so hot here, and it's such a cute swim suit," justifying my choice of wearing a sailor-striped bikini with a tiny red bejewelled anchor on one of the straps.

"You're getting it all wrong, Clare – you won't hear me complaining," as his smirk only got wider and I just grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the water, eager to enjoy our last few days at the beach.

Tomorrow we would be leaving Spain and heading to…I had no idea. This was because when we had planned out our trip, Eli had insisted that we insert three days for a 'mystery location,' one that apparently I was not allowed to know anything about. I tried to get some clues from Adam, but I was pretty sure that Eli hadn't even told him, because Adam was not one who usually hid secrets well…he always got this really nervous look when he was exaggerating just the slightest. From this 'mystery location,' we would make our way to England, a place that was special in both of our hearts, where we would stay another three days before heading to Heathrow and catching a flight back home.

And as much as I tried to make Eli crack before we went to sleep, I could tell that he was a vault – completely locked down, and he even playfully held up a blindfold to me that he couldn't possibly expect me to wear while on the road tomorrow.

_ Right?_

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Eli, you can't be serious," I sternly told him when he announced that we were now at the airport and that I still had to keep my blindfold on.

"Does it look like I'm joking?" I heard him reply as he gently but securely guided me through what I could tell was a crowd, and he then guided me to a chair.

"I wouldn't know that, silly," I pointed out, and he then laughed playfully and shot me a quick 'sorry'.

I then adjusted the blindfold slightly and told him, "You know I can tell we're in the airport," and he muttered something under his breath before saying,

"Well, that doesn't matter, you don't know where we're going".

"And what happens at the captain's message on the aircraft?" I pointed out.

"That's what this is for," he smugly said and I felt him insert ear buds into my ears and soft Taylor Swift music flowed through them as I just sighed and leaned into his embrace.

Three hours later, Eli was guiding me into a cab and his plan had actually worked; I had no idea where we were; three hours could place you anywhere in Europe as the distances between countries were often those between Canadian cities, but I trusted Eli completely and I knew that he realized this and that it meant a lot to him.

I then heard Eli tell the cab driver the name of a…plaza was it? I tried to gage the language that the cab driver was speaking in…and it was…Spanish? We were in another part of Spain? We must be in the very north because three hours from Barcelona could only lead there, or maybe perhaps to the very west?

But then, as Eli was guiding me out of the cab and the driver playfully said,

"Ciao bella," I realized that we were in…

"Italy," I squealed excitedly. I knew that neither of us had been to Italy, but I still didn't completely understand. Eli and I have already been to Spain and France and Germany on this trip, so why would Italy be such a big secret? He could have just as easily told me about this.

"That it is indeed," he said, and I felt him sweep the blindfold off of my face in one fell swoop and he playfully kissed my cheek as I adjusted my eyes to the light. It was beautiful…all around me. The sun was shining so brightly and it was so hot and we were standing…in the middle of a cobblestone plaza surrounded by beautiful Gothic-style buildings that had clearly been around longer than Canada had even been a country.

"Where are we, Eli? Where in Italy?" I asked as I locked my hands behind his neck and his hands traveled to my lower back.

He fixed his gaze directly on mine as he answered me,

"We are in…Verona," and I gasped at once. Verona? This was…a special city, and I could feel my emotions start to get the best of me. It was such a thoughtful destination.

Eli then caressed my cheek for a second before he continued, "It's the city where –"

"Romeo first met Juliet," I finished for him and he nodded with a smirk.

"Exactly. See that house over there?" he asked, pointing to an old Italian mansion that had vine on its side and beautiful red flowers on the balcony.

After I nodded, Eli continued, "I am told that that house is the Capulet home - in the ballroom…is where Romeo first saw Juliet, and…that balcony is their balcony, and we should go visit the house".

"Okay, let's go," I said with a nod and I took his hand and moved to start walking.

"Wait. Not yet," Eli said as he gently pulled me back.

"I want to ask you something first," he told me and I quickly nodded as I took in the rush of the morning market to the side of the plaza and a group of young boys playing soccer and dribbling the ball in such fancy moves that I knew that had a Toronto FC representative seen them, he would tell them they were already better than anyone in all of Canada.

"Clare," Eli softly said and he took hold of both of my hands and gave them a squeeze before he continued, "I have loved you ever since I was sixteen, and I'll…never stop. The kindness and patience you have shown me saved me and encouraged me to do what I needed to do to become a real man. You're a real life angel who showed me that…I could do everything I wanted to. And…all I ever want to do is to honour you and spend the rest of my life with you, returning the happiness, safety and comfort that you have shown me," he was saying and I could feel a light film of tears over taking my eyes.

He was…he brought me to Verona because it was where one fictional story began and…where he wanted a real life one to start. _Our_ story.

"And I've waited and I've waited and…now I feel like this is the right time for me to ask you this. You're the most amazing person I know and I thank my lucky stars every day that I fell in love with my best friend. So, Clare Diana Edwards - will you marry me?" he finished as he went down on one knee and pulled out a tiny blue velvet box from his jean pocket. When he opened it with a confident smirk, I saw…the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my entire life. It was a gold band with an elegantly cut diamond, clearly an engagement ring, but the stone was also surrounded by a circle of other shiny blue little stones.

I wiped a tear away as I nodded eagerly and enthusiastically told him, "Yes, Eli, oh my God, yes! I really want to! I want to so much," and he began laughing at once and got up and wrapped me up in a huge hug and twirled me around the sunny plaza. We paused for a second so he could put the ring on my finger – I had to move my Princess Diana ring to my other hand first – and we were both so happy that I jumped back into his arms and we got many claps and "Bravos" from strangers who had paused to witness Eli's proposal.

I then leaned up and gave him a deep kiss at once that he kept going for a long time, and after we finally pulled away, I locked my hands behind his neck and breathed,

"Eli…this was the dream proposal. I love you. You…always make me the happiest I can be," and he winked at me smugly before placing a kiss over my engagement finger.

"Of course, Edwards," he shot back.

"Uh oh – you won't be able to call me that much longer," I teased him.

"About that – I have been carrying that ring around in my pocket for the past three weeks, thinking I'd be in so much trouble if I lost the damn thing…I have been waiting to ask you to marry me for a long time. But just…how much longer will I be able to call you Edwards for?" he slyly asked.

He then continued, "Clare…I got the order figures back for my book – just checked before we left Spain. They are…much higher than what I expected," he modestly said, and when he told me just how much…I couldn't believe it. It was a…rather substantial amount of money.

Eli added, "So…I was thinking that we would take as much time as you want to…look for a house. I know that's what you always wanted – to have a home to come to after your honeymoon. We have enough to get a nice one, close to the university and to your law firm right downtown," and I let out an emotional breath as I agreed at once. It was what I had always wanted.

"And we can do whatever else needs to get done…plan our wedding. And it can be whenever you want it to be. If it was up to me, it would be the minute we got back to Toronto, but Lana says that the usual engagement period is one year?" he asked with a confused look on his face.

"I don't want to wait a year," I said at once. "But we will need time to get everything together. Why don't we get married in May?" I asked.

"Perfect. Anything you want, it's perfect, but I love May," Eli said excitedly.

"Eli – we're getting married!" I couldn't help but squeal excitedly as I leaned in for another kiss.

"I'm going to be your wife," I said proudly, and Eli smirked at me as he replied, "And I'm going to be your husband," and we headed inside the house where Romeo first met Juliet.

XXXXXXXXXX

"I'm glad we at least have tomorrow to recover before we both have to be back at work," I told Eli as he grabbed our bags from the baggage claim at Toronto's Pearson International. I could tell that the flight had exhausted us both and by the time that we went through Passport Check and everything, I knew that we both kind of wanted to just go to either of our apartments and snuggle together for a bit before we'd have to return to the realities of our daily duties. Eli had to start preparing for the courses that he would be teaching and I had to work on a case file starting tomorrow.

However, as we walked through the airport's sliding doors I was surprised to see….my parents waiting for us, hand in hand as they eagerly headed for us right away.

"Mom? Dad?" I asked in confusion, but then I jolted at once and happily exclaimed, "Guess what? Look! Eli and I are engaged," and I held out my hand and waved all of my fingers emphatically.

But…they didn't even seem surprised; sure both of them were grinning from ear to ear but…I expected them to be significantly more surprised than that.

"We…know, sweetheart. Well, we knew that Eli was going to ask you and of course we assumed you would say yes," my mom caved.

"How did you know?" I asked as I gave Eli a playful shove. He was keeping perfectly quiet and just happily smirking in my direction.

"Eli invited us to have lunch with him before you left Clare-Bear," my dad said. "Your mom and I, we kind of figured it was to ask for our blessing to ask you be his wife before we even got to the restaurant, and then, just as we expected us, he confidently asked us and of course we said yes. We're so happy for you," he finished, and then I couldn't help but flash him a grin on my own as him and my mom smiled at Eli. My dad then reached out his hand and as he shook Eli's and pulled him in for one of those guy hugs, he continued,

"Welcome to the family, son," words that I could tell touched Eli.

"So, where are you guys off to now? We'll drive you two, that way you don't have to cab," my mom said, and I asked to be dropped off at Eli's apartment as he nodded in confirmation, and I also shared the good news about Eli's publication success and our intentions to buy a house that we could move into after our wedding, a plan that I could tell pleased both of my parents. And I _definitely _didn't miss my dad's not-so-subtle search for my purity ring…which was still safely in its place, a thing that I could tell pleased my dad. And I couldn't help but think back to that time in college when Eli had picked me up from St. Andrews and he had told me that the right thing to do would be to wait when I had gotten a little confused about my vow. I know that it's not exactly his favourite thing, but I also know that he only wants to do the right thing by me. And…Eli could tell that even though at this point I would be okay with being with him completely, it would be even better if our wedding night would be the most special that it can.

And I am sure that it will be.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Well, god damn it, it's finally happened – I can hear the hallelujah chorus – can you? Listen really hard – I can hear it!" Adam exaggeratedly said, wiping his forehead off playfully as Lana giggled and said, "Congratulations, you two. We are so thrilled. Out baby's god parents will be officially married soon". Their little guy was resting in Lana's arms, sound asleep as we were all vising Eli's parents.

I was pretty sure I had never seen Cece cry as much as I did when I showed her my ring…in my entire life. She was so happily hysterical, pulling out a scrapbook of her and Bullfrog's wedding – which had definitely been a lot more rocker than I wanted mine and Eli's to be, and she immediately bombarded me with a bunch of questions about the specifics of the wedding that I had no idea where to even begin with. In the end, Cece somehow got on the phone with my mom and disappeared into the kitchen, excited squeals coming ever so often when my mom and her would obviously reached a decision.

Bullfrog had also given me a hug and welcomed me into the family, taking note to say that I had always really been a part of their family ever since I had first met them at Little Miss Steaks, and I was so touched by his casual, but meaningful addition that, 'and ever since then, you never stopped being a part of it, Clarabelle, not for one second'.

Eli had wanted us to go to his parents' house today for a bit of a special reason – he wanted to give his mom and dad a cheque that would pay off the last remaining bit of their mortgage, and it took Cece and Bullfrog a long time to accept it – it turns out that they had been making plans to give us enough money to put a down payment on a house as a wedding present, but when Eli told them about the success of his novel, they eventually caved. Cece then started talking about how she wanted to keep up our tradition of campus Friday night dinners when Eli and I were married and on our own, and her tears got the best of her all over again – I knew that everyone was really happy for us – some, like Daniel and Imogen, didn't even bother to hide the fact that they weren't surprised at all – but out of everyone, Cece was the one who completely wore her heart on her sleeve, and I think it was because she had always been so open with how special Eli was to her. Eli and his dad shared a unique bond – I had figured that out several years ago – but I think that after Eli's accident and the fact that Cece realized she could have lost her only child, things had changed a bit for her. I knew that medically, she had wanted more children but it had been deemed unsafe for her to have any, and I think she saw this moment as the expansion of her family by the addition of a 'baby girl' as she always called me….because she told me so, pulling me into her sunny kitchen when things had calmed down a bit. And in that moment, all I could think about was the night that she had calmed me down so gently after my scare at Mont Tremblant, where she just didn't even ask me anything about what had happened, but just gently brushed my hair over and over again. And as Eli and I decided to spend the night at his parents' house after Lana and Adam and their little guy left, I couldn't help but ask her to do it again when I saw her walking by Eli's room before bed. But as I handed her my brush in the doorway, I could see that…she had already brought one with her.

XXXXXXXXXXXX **Six months later**

**Eli's POV**

"Oh man, Clare, what does he want? Is he going to put us through some sort of training are-you-really-ready-to-be-married little course thing?" I asked in horror in reply to the bomb that she had just dropped. She was on campus for her lunch break, as she would often be as her law firm was just two minutes away from U of T, and I never scheduled any classes for lunch hours so I could take her out. And while these lunches were the favourite part of my day, I never expected to hear today that…Pastor Dan wanted to meet with us. All I could think was…why the hell did he want to do that?

Frilly wedding stuff is so not my style, but I didn't want to leave Clare with all the work, so we reached a sort of deal. While her and Alli would squeal endlessly over color patterns and fabric samples, I dealt with the booking of the hotel that would host our post-church reception, and all the technicalities of invitations and other such administrative tasks. I made sure that the work was fairly evenly split, and when I got worried that it wasn't - Clare and Alli spent _dozens of hours_ on this stuff, while I managed to get my share done pretty quickly – Clare assured me that that was because her and Alli liked spending so much time on it and apparently got side tracked a lot. Alli's own wedding had been rather cool – it had an Indian theme and it was really different than the other ones that I had been to, but I also realized that out of our group of friends, Clare and I will be the only ones to have a traditional church wedding. And everyone seemed to be all…surprised that I was doing this, but I really didn't understand what the big deal was. Aunt Linda got married in a church, and it's a wedding…isn't it normal for it to be in a church? I'm not the devil or anything, I'm not going to explode in flames the minute I enter a holy place of worship as Clare refers to it. Besides, I had been to church a few times with Clare now –although I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle any other Pastor but Pastor Dan because he always focuses his sermons or lectures or whatever you want to call them on the text; so it's like he's doing a close reading analysis, something that I'm always preaching myself to my students about. But…this whole 'he wants to see us' business sounds a little fishy to me.

Clare, however, didn't seem to be worried about it at all; she just giggled and replied,

"No, Eli, it's not like that. I think he meets with everyone who he has known for a long time if they are about to get married".

"Well of course we'll go, but…maybe you should explain to me this whole traditional Church of England service thing. I want to be well prepared when we talk to him so I don't look like an atheist-caught-in-the-headlights," I said with a frown.

"Eli," Clare said, elongating my name teasingly, "I'm pretty sure you know the Bible better than most Christians," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but that's only because English Lit is my thing; I had to read it and learn all the stories because they all relate to pretty much every story and novel and name of every character in every piece of English literature ever written," I highlighted, remembering the night in which Clare came over and gasped for about a minute continuously at the sight of me holding a Bible. But it wasn't like I was…taking it word for word, because I most definitely was not. I just needed to know what was in the thing so I could provide good essays and lectures. When I told Clare that, I was a little surprised to see her agree so easily, and she even told me that she didn't take it exactly word for word. When I added that overall, I agree with the message of Christianity – be kind to others and find forgiveness in your heart, Clare had flashed me an approving smile and she then gave me one of the best kisses of my life.

"You'll be fine, Eli, he'll just tell us a little bit about the sanctity of marriage," she said with a dismissive shrug.

"He thinks I'm going to cheat on you?" I spat out.

"What? No, he's not doing this because he thinks we're making a mistake or something, he does this with everyone," Clare repeated, and that was smart on her part because it had slipped my mind at this point.

"Well, all right then," I grudgingly agreed, knowing that there really wasn't a way out of this one.

XXXXXXXXX –**Three weeks later**-

"Well, congratulations are first in order," Pastor Dan said as he shook my hand in his office. I didn't even know Pastors had an office, but there it was, in the back of the church.

"You know, I've known Clare ever since she was a little girl. I was the one who christened her," he said proudly.

"I know. And I love Clare. A lot. I assure you I only mean to do the right things by her," I told him, feeling a little like I was meeting Clare's dad all over again.

Pastor Dan then took his glasses off, set them on his desk and said, "Eli – I have known that for a few years now," surprising both me and Clare.

"Really?" I asked him.

"Indeed. When you came to church with her for the first time, you were the first of her boyfriends that I have ever met. And I don't know if you remember, but I asked you if I would be doing your wedding someday –"

"I remember," I said softly as I gave Clare's hand a squeeze.

"Well, I also don't ask that question to every college boyfriend that I meet. I'm not sure what caused me to burst it out like that, actually, it is a little out of character for me. Call it intuition, if you will. I've gotten to see all sorts of things and all sorts of people in my profession. So while I usually do these meetings with all the couples who ask me to perform their wedding ceremony and I talk to them a little about the sanctity of marriage and what marriage means in the eyes of the Lord, I think no one understands marriage better than…you two," he finished, and I couldn't help but widen my eyes at his declaration.

We weren't gonna get the lecture because…we were like, good?

"I actually called you in today to discuss the ceremony. You two have opted for the traditional Church of England service, which pleases me immensely. I know that instead of an hymn though we are using 'Here Comes the Bride'?" and Clare delicately said,

"Yes. We want the march, if that's okay," and Pastor Dan approved it at once.

He then continued, "Well, you know that in the traditional Church of England service the minister makes a speech about marriage before reading the vows," and the knowledge that Clare shared with me before we came here allowed me to nod, thankfully. I still couldn't help but feel that I was here for some sort of tiny test.

Pastor Dan then continued, "And I didn't want to read the same one that I always do – not for _you_, Clare. Not for _your _wedding," he said warmly and Clare tipped her head coyly and blushed in that adorable way of hers as she let out a tiny exhale. All I wanted to do whenever she did that was kiss her at once, but I have a feeling Pastor Dan would frown upon that. I hope he at least sees Clare still wears her purity ring and that he gives me props for that, or whatever pastors do that is the equivalent of giving props.

"So what should we do then?" Clare asked, and I could tell that she was just as confused as I was.

"Well, I do have something prepared. Maybe you will bear with me as I read you something – I don't have the permission to use it yet and parts of it will have to be tweaked just a little. I do hope to get redistribution permission soon, because I could not think of any other words that I would rather say while you two are up at the altar with me," he said, and I saw him looking down at some notes before he assumed a beautiful oratorical tone and began,

_A woman's love is the greatest gift a man can ever receive. Why? Because a woman's love gives a man courage._

Oh, wow, he's reading…how did he get…

_And I feared that I had made so many mistakes and hurt her time and time again that I didn't deserve her forgiveness. But like the angel that she is, she found forgiveness in her heart. I may not be a religious man, but when I look into her eyes whenever she gives me her soft smile, I always recall one line that I read in the Bible. _

_Faith, hope, and strength are some good things God gave us, but the greatest is love. _

_And what I believe most is that true love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, and penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope, confidence and strong tenacity. _

I looked over at Clare, whose eyes were ever so slightly red and teary, and Pastor Dan softly closed the thick notebook that he had been reading out of and said something that Clare and I now both knew.

"I read your book, Eli," and he paused emphatically before adding, "And it allowed me to see Clare through your eyes. There are no words more appropriate to describe how special and holy marriage is than the ones _you_ used when you were talking about how much you love her. You go on to quote a passage from Corinthians 1:13. What made you choose those lines?" he asked, referring to a definition of everything that love does and does not to that I stumbled upon in my time apart from Clare in first year when I was working on an English paper and I had to turn to the Bible to understand a reference in the novel we were studying.

"Those lines….they talked about how love is always patient and kind, and how it does not take offence. They…I read them at a hard time in my life, and…they made everything so clear. That's the kind of person I wanted to become, and the kind of behaviour I wanted to strive towards. And I tried to not associate them with Clare at first because we were separated then, but no matter how much I tried to deny it to myself, those lines…showed me exactly what I should have shown her and what I regretted that I never did," I admitted, hanging my head in shame.

"You're wrong, Eli," I heard Pastor Dan softly sigh.

"You _did_ show her those things. That's why you are sitting in my office right now, with Clare, with your engagement ring on her finger. And with her purity ring still on her finger – how can you tell me you didn't show her patience and kindness? Eli, all couples fight. But only a few make the effort to grow, and adapt and change as the dynamics of their relationship also evolve. That is why these days so many marriages fail; not because people don't love each other, but because they don't put in the necessary work into their relationship. You and Clare…you have already been faced with the big, hard test, I can tell. You can overcome anything, you two, because you are each other's best friend. I know this because I got to marry my best friend, and I'm not saying it will be all rosy from now on. But you already know that you can work on it successfully. You have worked to be worthy of Clare for a long time, Eli, I can tell. And you are. And she is worthy of you, too. She had to work on that too, and she did. I've been married for thirty-two years and I know that…a husband's job is to patiently stand by his wife's side and support her. It will be the same with your young wife, Eli. So, do I have your permission to read this passage, with some slight modifications – the part about your regrets will be left out – before I read you and Clare's wedding vows?" he asked, and at this point I was just trying to keep myself together, but I knew that my eyes were teary as well.

Pastor Dan…understood me and Clare just as well as Dr. Sadler had.

"Of course, if it's okay with Clare to have this read," I said, knowing we were going a slightly more unconventional route here.

"It's perfect. It's beautiful. There are no other words that I'd rather hear before I marry you," Clare sweetly affirmed.

After we discussed some more technical details with Pastor Dan, once we were back in the Jeep Clare surprised me. She crawled into my lap in the parking lot and burying her face in my neck as she hung onto me tightly and whispered,

"Eli? I'm so honoured that I'm going to be your wife, you know," as I ran my fingertips across her back in slow circles.

"I know, Clare. I know," I softly replied.

XXXXXXXXXX –**Three weeks later-**

"I liked that that one was facing south – so much natural light," Clare was telling me as she was lying in my arms and we were reviewing the houses that we had looked over the past three weeks. It's time we make a decision, and I actually like a few of them, and so does she…which makes this really hard. Because we can't really decide, and…the house that we buy needs to be perfect.

It's where we will start our lives together, and…I want it to be perfect. I also have the feeling that Clare is holding something back from me, like…she actually doesn't like any of the houses? There hasn't been one that has been a clear stand-out, because most of them are pretty similar and we are looking in the same neighbourhood.

Maybe…she's creeped out by the number of room discussion we had? Most of them have four bedrooms, it's not like I'm pushing anything on her. And I know we both want a family, so I'm inclined to believe that that's not it.

But I'm not seeing things…she just always gets this really wistful look in her eye when we are looking through the real estate magazines, and whenever I ask what is wrong she just says that she just can't decide.

"I like that one too," I honestly told her. "Clare…we can keep looking. We can…still live in our separate apartments after the wedding," I told her with a sigh, because to be honest I would freaking hate that.

"Eli, no, that's ridiculous. We can choose a house. Maybe we should just sleep on it," she said with a soft smile and I agreed and pulled out some essay proposals that I needed to mark as Clare began some case summaries.

After an hour or so, I got up to make us some coffee because I knew we both had a lot of work ahead of us and it was already pretty late and I'd have to drop Clare off at her apartment tonight as opposed to tomorrow morning, or so I think. But as I walked back over to the couch, I could see that she had clearly switched from her law stuff to…a blue folder with all these pictures in it.

"What's that?" I asked after I gave her a cup of coffee the way she liked it and placed a kiss on her forehead.

"Nothing," she quickly said, but her blushing face told me there was something more to it, and when I flashed her a curious look her blush only got more pronounced.

"Clare, what are you looking at? Why can't you tell me?" I plainly asked her, wondering why she felt like she had to hide something from me…and what it was.

I think she noticed that I was a little sad that she was doing this, because she quickly crawled over to my lap and played with the hair at the back of my neck and whispered, "It's just a silly thing that I've been doing…since I first started thinking that one day, you and me would have a home together".

"What is it?" I asked her as I caressed her arm, but I could tell that she didn't want to speak anymore, because she just hid her face in my neck. I took the clue and grabbed the blue folder myself and when I opened it I saw that…Clare had all these pictures of houses and they had circled features – she was choosing what she liked about each one. And when I looked at the dates, I could tell that…Clare had been cutting out pictures of houses from Better Homes and Gardens magazine…for years.

She had been imagining our dream home together for years.

And…none of the houses that we looked at had all of its features. The home she had imagined was rather complex, but…so beautiful.

"Clare," I softly told her as I pulled her out of our embrace a little. "This is amazing".

"It's silly," she said with a shake of her head.

"It's not silly," I replied, and I leaned us both back so we could rest against the back of the couch, and I just pushed her curls away from her neck and planted a few kisses on it, being able to select the spot that would drive Clare a little crazy at once. I knew we both had work to do tonight, so I didn't take things too far, and we spent a nice night just working together before I dropped her off.

But as I was driving back to my apartment, I couldn't shake off the thoughts that had plagued me since the minute I saw that folder. I know that I really shouldn't be thinking of this because it had been so long ago now, but…seeing Clare's collection of pictures and plans made me feel guilty. Guilty that I couldn't give her those things, and I couldn't help but think of…Jake. Had he wanted to, he could have easily built Clare her dream house. Back in high school, it drove me nuts how much she liked how strapping and handy he was…because I knew I could never be like that. It just wasn't my thing, beyond fixing cars and that was rather different. Jake…even at that young age, he could actually _make_ things, and that was a talent that I just didn't have. And now…it was the one thing Clare wanted so badly, I could tell. That is why she didn't even want to show me. And I couldn't do it for her…which…killed me.

But as I turned onto my street, I realized that…maybe I am not using all the tools at my disposal here. I may not be as talented as Jake was and in this case it seems like it will result in me not being able to give Clare what she wants, but…I have some talent, too. I'm a good writer and if my students' course evaluations say anything, I'm a pretty decent prof as well. And while I know I could write her the perfect description of her house, I can…also make it happen. The sales of my book have put me in a pretty good financial position and…while I can't do it directly, maybe I can find someone who can. I don't know anything about that industry, but…maybe I can.

So the next morning after my second year Introduction to American Lit lecture, I walked across the street from the English Department office into the office of…the School of Architecture. I explained to the Dean that I was a prof here and that I was looking for a reliable and responsible team that could bring Clare's folder to life. He took some time to look through it and told me that it was definitely doable and put me in touch with someone who he assured me was one of the finest architects in Toronto, someone I could trust.

I may not be able to find her the house of her dreams, but…I can have it built.

**Clare's POV**

"Eli," I whispered in amazement at the huge sketches that he brought over, "What is this?"

"That is Dr. Broughton's – some fancy architect I'm told – sketches," he said with a smirk.

"Sketches of what?" I asked, recognizing…everything that I had picked out from my Better Homes and Gardens magazines.

"Sketches of our house, Clare," was all that Eli replied as he flashed me a warm look.

"What?" I choked out.

"I know…that you wanted our house to look like that. And the architect group told me there is a perfect plot of land so close to the university, and to your firm, in a very family neighbourhood with a good school," he said as I stepped into his arms.

"Eli, you don't have to do this," I emotionally told him.

"I haven't signed the papers or bought the land yet – I wouldn't do such a thing without asking you, but…do you want to, Clare?" he plainly said.

"Yes, Eli, I want to, I really do," I whispered, and I felt him give me a squeeze in response.

"Well then, I'd better give them a call – want it to be ready for when we return from our honeymoon," he said as he stepped out of our embrace and pulled his phone out with a wink.

Over the next two months, Eli and I visited the construction site a lot – Eli more than myself, because he kept insisting that it wasn't safe. And the entire process was rather smooth – the architect and construction company had apparently come at the recommendation of the Dean of the School of Architecture at U of T, and they were so responsible and communicative throughout the entire process. My parents were rather pleased at Eli's gesture – my dad came to 'inspect' the house where I'd be living and it met his expectations, and Eli's parents were not surprised at his action at all. Our friends teased him about it mercilessly, but the house was completed a week before our wedding date and Eli and I were the only ones left there one evening, we just walked hand in hand through all of its rooms.

I wondered if Eli was wondering the same things that I was in that moment…we had four bedrooms…who would sleep in the other three? Would they learn to read by the window seats and do their homework and learn to play guitar in that little back room together? Would they dance down the spiral staircase on their way down to dinner? Would their favourite dog run around the live oak in the garden? In that moment, more than any other time, I found myself looking forward to the future with an intensity so powerful that I couldn't even say anything as we walked from room to room, barely believing that this large project was finally completed.

"Eli?" I softly asked him. "Do you know what happened here, on this plot of land, over the last two months?"

"The neighbours started hating us because of all the construction noise and won't bring us apple pie the day we move in?" he playfully shot back.

"No, Eli," I giggled as I playfully hit his shoulder. But I think he could tell that he was serious as he pulled me a bit closer and I plainly told him,

"These last two months…plans were drawn and concrete poured and nail by nail and board by board…you gave life to my dream".

He didn't reply; he just kissed my forehead and I knew that it was because he was as overwhelmed as I was in that moment.

XXXXXXXXXXX

**Eli's POV**

All right, so I'm looking for a girl in a Kenya soccer jersey; she said on the phone that that would be easiest way to find her, but apparently she doesn't look very much like Clare, so I hope there's no major soccer tournament today in Kenya and everyone decides to wear their jerseys on the flight. If I don't meet up with her successfully, the whole surprise will be ruined – I mean, she's coming home, but I…want to be there too when Clare sees her.

Uh oh. I think that's her. She kind of looks…a little like Clare. They have a very similar hair colour, but Darcy is a lot more tanned….guess it's one of the perks of living in Kenya.

I saw her walk up to me – I was wearing my black leather jacket that she was supposed to identify me by, and she enthusiastically asked,

"Eli?" and I nodded.

"Hey, Darcy. Great to meet you, finally," and I grabbed her bag from her hand and led her out of the airport to my Jeep.

"What's it like to be back?" I asked her, because I noticed she was looking around looking a little dazed.

"It's so…different, you know. I've been away a long time," she sighed.

"Well, let me know if there's anything you need," I offered.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to be back – and I wouldn't miss Clare's wedding for the world. But I must say –" she started and I playfully cut her off,

"I'm not what you expected, I know, I know. I betcha Pastor Dan thought the same thing," I joked, knowing she'd be really familiar with him.

Darcy laughed at once and replied, "Well, maybe not at first sight, no. But…I liked you for Clare for a long time, Eli. A really long time. She's really evasive on the phone with me – always has been. All I heard all of a sudden was that you broke up, and that she dated idiot Jake Martin – now _that_ I couldn't believe. I warned her about him; he was a player since the age of eleven, I feel," she said, surprising me a little by launching into this topic directly.

She then locked her gaze with mine as I started the car and I felt her touch my arm so I knew she wanted me to pay close attention as she continued, "And, Eli – Clare called me…that night, after Mont Tremblant and the ski trip. And, Eli," she said, and I panicked a little as I saw her tear up, "I can't even, I can't thank you enough for getting my sister home safely. That place, that situation…it was bad, Eli. Trust me, no one knows that better than me. If you hadn't been there…Clare would have been broken, destroyed, devastated. You _saved_ my sister, and I can't ever thank you enough," she said and embraced me in a hug at once. I was totally caught off guard, but I figured that Clare had also told her that I knew about the tragedy that she had suffered there, and I hoped that she couldn't feel my fists clench in fury when I thought about what had happened to her and how no one had been there to protect her.

She then pulled away and said, "Oh, look at me, I'm a wreck. But…I needed to tell you, that, Eli. That's when I knew that…you and Clare might have broken up, but that you would always love her and look after her, even from a distance. And…I think I pissed Clare off for a while there before you got back together, because I would ask about you – every single phone call. I could tell you were recapturing your friendship – she told me about the Project Love shopping – so amazing, by the way, when you helped her with that for me – and the campus tour, and then…one day when I asked, she told me you were back together, and…I finally felt at peace with my sister being so far away from me….because I knew she was well looked after. I'm not going to pretend to you, Eli – I know Clare. I know she can be stubborn, and judgemental, and do stupid things and hurt the ones she loves. I'm just glad that…you gave her another chance," Darcy said, shocking me.

"Um, I was kind of the one who needed to be forgiven and given another chance," I told her.

"Yeah, you see, I'm not so sure about that one, Eli. Not so sure," Darcy thoughtfully said, and then she broke out in a smile and said,

"Come on. Take me home. It's been a long time, I want to see my family," and I did so at once.

And as soon as Darcy entered the kitchen of the house that she grew up in – all the girls and me and Clare's moms were there doing some bridesmaids dresses stuff – the entire room broke out in gasps and tears and excited girly squeals that I'm pretty sure drove all the dogs in the neighbourhood insane.

But I will never forget the look of complete shock and amazement on Clare's face as she uttered, "Darcy?" and her sister wrapped her up in a hug at once, telling her, "What? You didn't think I'd miss my own sister's wedding?". And when Darcy explained to Clare,

"Eli flew me in and arranged it all," I practically felt my heart skip a beat at the look of happiness on Clare's face.

XXXXXXXXXXX

**Clare's POV**

"I just want to talk to him for like a minute – there's something I need to tell him –" I told my mom as she kept chastising me that I had had plenty of time before today – our wedding day, but she just didn't understand. This was important.

I had always imagined my wedding day as beautiful sunny one, and when I woke up to clouds today, I had tried to keep excited, but a small part of me felt like dying. All throughout the morning it stayed cloudy, but right now…the sun came out, bright and powerful, and strong. And I didn't care that I was just about to leave for the church where I would get ready in one of the back rooms where all my things waited. I had to see Eli. I knew he would already be at the church, so I convinced my dad to drive me over there early as well; my bridesmaids could just meet there later like we had always planned on doing anyway.

However, I regretted not texting Eli or something before, as when I entered the room he was just getting changed, and he let out a surprised,

"Adam, get out, man, I'm changing," before realizing it was me.

"Clare? Is something wrong? You all right?" he asked in a panic.

"Eli, no everything is fine. It's more than fine. I just…we got the sun," I said as I leaned in for a bright kiss.

"I know – I was so worried. I know how much you wanted this day to be sunny," he replied.

"But it was supposed to be cloudy all day," I softly told him, getting emotional already and trying to keep my voice from breaking.

"Hey, hey, but it's not sweetheart, it's not," Eli said as he caressed my cheeks with his left hand.

"Do you know why? Do you realize why?" I asked him, and I pulled him over to one of the stained glass windows of the church and whispered, "She's looking out for us, Eli, today," and the way his chest trembled against my back told me that he knew I was referring to Julia. "She…gave us the sun," I said tearfully, and Eli just held me for a minute before wiping my tears away.

"I know," he softly said. "I know," he repeated.

"I love you," I told him, and he echoed the same sentiment that I expressed at once.

He then turned me around and flashed me a smirk and said, "See you at the altar?"

"Of course. See you at the altar," I replied with a beaming smile.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Well – what do you think?" I said as I turned around and Darcy, Alli, Imogen, Lana, Angela, my mom, Cece and my grandma all silently gasped and erupted in a chorus of "Beautiful", "Perfect", "Eli is a lucky guy" and other such similar things.

This was it. My dress was on and we were just about to head to the church where Eli and the boys and the guests already were by now.

My bridesmaids were Darcy – Alli let her be my maid of honour – Alli, Imogen, Lana, and Imogen's little girl, now having just turned two was just old enough to perform flower girl duties. I had also asked Angela to be one of my bridesmaids because Eli had Dylan and Scotty as groomsmen in addition to Adam and Daniel, and I hadn't wanted her to feel left out. When we took her and Dylan and Scotty out and asked them, they all jumped at the opportunity of being in our wedding party, and…it just felt so right to Eli and I that they were there.

"Hold on, sweetheart, just a few more things," my mom said and everyone smiled at me, obviously aware of something that I wasn't.

I then saw Darcy come forward and she pulled out a baby blue garter and giggled, "Something blue".

My mom then handed me a small jewellery box that contained the most delicate white pearl ear drop earrings and as she helped me put them on, she said, "Something new".

Alli then approached me and I saw her take off the tiny exquisite white diamond bracelet that I knew she had worn at her won wedding and she said, "Something borrowed".

And lastly, my Nana called me over to her – walking was a little hard for her these days – and she grabbed my hands and placed a delicate string of pearls in them. Tears formed in her eyes as she said, "These are the pearls that your grandfather gave to me the day that your mother was born. And they are yours now, sweetheart. Something old," and she sternly instructed me to not ruin my make-up when she saw how much her words had touched me.

After one final look in the mirror, I…realized that this was really happening. And I had never felt more ready. I always thought that I would be rather nervous on my wedding day, but the preparations were smooth and everyone in the church were people that I loved, so I wasn't even worried about making any mistakes in the vows and getting embarrassed or anything like that. Because…on my wedding day, I looked and felt the exact way that I always dreamed I would. And I think Darcy could tell, because she came over and stood next to me in the mirror, her pink dress looking gorgeous on her as she whispered,

"Clare…what a dream day. You're…just the way that you always dreamed you would be today. You look…perfect. Like a princess bride…beautiful, young, and…virginal. Perfect. Just perfect," and she gave me a warm embrace.

I then heard my dad knock on the door and everyone else then left to head to the church themselves. I could see that my dad was a little emotional himself as he held out his arm to me and asked,

"You ready, Clare-Bear?" and I told him the only thought running through my mind.

"Of course, daddy. I've loved him since I was fifteen".

**Eli's POV**

"Eli, I think it's time we head out there," I heard my dad say and mom gave me another quick hug before she left to take her seat.

"All right, big guy, this is it – you ready?" my dad then asked with a laugh as we headed up the aisle and Adam, Daniel, Scotty and Dylan all stood up a little straighter when they saw me approaching. I had just run into the room at the back of the church at Pastor Dan's request that I double check the portion of my book that he wanted to quote, and my parents had come along for kicks as well. What he planned to say was actually my favourite portion of my novel, so it wasn't much of a discussion.

"Of course I'm ready, dad. I've loved her since I was sixteen," I replied.

All of my groomsmen gave me an encouraging smile and then Pastor Dan came out and silence fell over the church. Clare and I had about one hundred guests at our wedding or so, and her church really was decorated beautifully. There were flowers at each end of the aisle and as the music began playing, Imogen and Daniel's little girl got the hugest blush on her face; we had all practiced everything yesterday but she was just so little that it was only expected and normal that she would be nervous. However, she was able to quickly overcome it and she began walking down the aisle slowly, dropping petals from her basket diligently until she reached the very end of the aisle amongst a chorus of "Awws". She was wearing a white dress with a pink bow on it and a little crown made of flowers and she looked really, really precious. She then went to stand by her daddy, as Imogen was one of Clare's bridesmaids and they were next to walk down the aisle. Darcy, the maid of honour, was first, followed by Alli and then Imogen and last of all was Angela, and I couldn't help but smile at the fact that she totally only kept her gaze locked on Dylan as she made her way down the aisle.

This was all happening relatively fast after I had been waiting for it for so long and dreaming of it really, but nothing could have prepared me for the moment in which the song changed to the classic bridal chorus. I realized in that moment that…there was no way to prepare for something like that. The very first notes that could be heard from the majestic organ were enough to produce tears for my mom – she was the first to go, as always – and I also noticed that Clare's mom was crying, as was her grandma…Mrs. Dawes. Clare and I had obviously invited her to her wedding and she was here with her husband…her eyes teary as he gently held her hand.

But the most amazing thing was that…while everyone was looking at Clare…she was looking at me.

I always thought Clare looked radiant and just so pretty in every moment, no matter what she was doing or what she was wearing. But….today, she looked different. She looked…more like an angel than a girl. Walking on her father's arm in a perfect rhythm to the bridal march, I…knew I just had to be the luckiest guy on the planet. We were getting married after all. I was marrying the most kind and patient person I have ever met…the girl who is walking towards me right now.

Her striking blue eyes were covered by a shimmery veil that sparkled under the soft lights of the church, and her veil was held in place by an exquisite silver flower clip that elegantly swept a strand of her curls aside. It had a lace edge that matched the little lace sleeves her white dress had. Her dress…I had not been allowed to see it before this moment and…it was so beautiful. It had a gorgeous train and it was of a pure white that just symbolized everything Clare's dreams and ambitions stood for. While the top was made up of a tighter corset-like material that delicately wrapped around her upper body, the lower half of the dress was loose and it flowed so gracefully with each of her movements. The lace trim on its bottom was complimented by the lace detailing that covered her shoulders, framing a pearl necklace beautifully. In her hands she held a large, overflowing bouquet of white and blue flowers that made the jewel flower in her hair even more prominent. She was…absolutely stunning. But nothing could compare to the look in her eyes that was revealed as her dad led her to the altar and raised her veil. She was looking directly at me with complete…faith. And confidence.

She _trusted_ me. She trusted me wholeheartedly, and that meant to me more than anything ever could.

Her spirited blue eyes were highlighted by a shimmery soft golden powder, her lips were of a glossy pink that was so sunny and bright that it made me want to kiss her at once, and her curls were full and the sunlight streaming in through the stained glass windows of the church made their reddish tint even more prominent. Her cheeks contained an adorable amount of red stained on them, that told me that she was….excited. Not nervous. And as the last notes of the bridal march played on the reverberating organ, her dad went to sit by her mom's side and Pastor Dan gave us both an encouraging nod before scanning the entire church and assuming his presence as leader with simply just that one look.

I wasn't sure if this would be frowned upon or not, but I couldn't help myself, so I quickly whispered to Clare, "You look absolutely beautiful," and she let out a tiny little exhale as her blush got deeper, making me decide that it was worth the risk.

Pastor Dan then began speaking and I decided it was time to listen up as he said,

"Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here, in the sight of God and the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony. This noble estate, granted onto us, signifies the holy union which Christ adorned and beautified with his presence, and therefore is not by any to be enterprised or taken unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly. It is rather to be taken reverently, discreetly, and in the sight of God, duly considering the causes for which it was ordained – for the increase in mankind, according to the will of God, and so that children are produced in the praise of His holy name. It was ordained for the mutual society help and comfort that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and in adversity. This man and this woman therefore, now come to be joined. So if any man of woman can speak as to why they cannot be joined together, let him now speak, or forever after hold his peace,"

Pastor Dan then paused as the church remained completely silent – as it very well should have at those words – and Pastor Dan then gave me a small smile as he went on,

"I would now like to share some of the most spiritual words that I have encountered in my life as we join together this man and this woman in their love. It is these words that capture the essence of the state of holy matrimony," and I saw Clare beam proudly at me as Pastor Dan read the words that I had typed on my computer at a time when I was only dreaming of a day like this.

"A woman's love is the greatest gift a man can ever receive. Why? Because a woman's love gives a man courage. Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, and penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope, confidence and strong tenacity. Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited it is never rude or selfish. It does not take offence. It is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure…whatever comes," he finished as I saw Clare nod emotionally.

Pastor Dan then turned to me with a smile and said,

"Eli Goldsworthy. Will you have this woman to be your wedded wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, and forsaking all others, keep all only onto her, so long as you both shall live?"

"I will," I confidently said.

Pastor Dan then turned to Clare with a warm look and asked,

"Clare Diana Edwards. Will you have this man to be your wedded husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and keep him, and forsaking all others, keep all only onto him, so long as you both shall live?"

"I will," Clare assertively said as she locked her gaze with mine.

Pastor Dan then led us through the next part of our vows and I asserted,

"I, Eli Goldsworthy, take you, Clare Edwards to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us apart".

Clare's soft voice could then be heard throughout the church as she confidently said, "I, Clare Edwards, take you, Eli Goldsworthy to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us apart".

Adam then passed the ring that he was carrying as part of his best man duties to Pastor Dan, who made the sign of a cross over it and said, "Bless this ring and he and she who wear it to live together in peace and love". He then handed it to me and I placed it on Clare's left hand finger…and exhaled at the sight of finally…the _proper_ ring resting on that finger. Her ring was a little more elaborate than mine; I wanted her to have something that was a little bit more special than just a gold band, so I had had six little blue shiny sapphires embedded into it, all placed at equal distances apart along the ring. Clare then placed a gold wedding band on my finger…the only ring that I would be wearing from now on on this hand.

Pastor Dan then had us repeat,

"With this ring I be wed," and said a final "Amen," before he declared,

"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride," and I eagerly did so, making sure to keep my kiss soft and gentle and appropriate, but much to my delight Clare still shivered into it.

We then heard the organ powerfully reverberate into the wedding march as everyone clapped and called out to us as we walked down the aisle hand in hand, heading right into the limousine that would take us to the hotel reception that was next. The reception went by in a flash; Clare and I spent most of it in each other's arms on the dance floor, and I was definitely counting down the time until I could have her all alone…everyone definitely wanted the bride's attention at a wedding, and I was only able to kiss her properly until we were in the taxi that was taking us to the airport. We had decided to honey moon in Spain because Clare and I had loved it there so much.

Of course, the flight to Spain was about nine hours, and apparently this timing didn't escape Clare's mind either, as when she snuggled into me on the plane she broke into a fit of giggles and burst out, "It's technically our wedding night right now," teasing me mercilessly.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Twenty-two freckles this time," I told Clare as we were lying on the Barcelona beach, the sky literally shining a shade of a deep purple over us. I absolutely loved the way her darker skin shined in the sunlight, but now that the sun was almost gone, you could tell how it was still really rather pale.

She didn't answer me, but rather cheekily kissed me and intertwined our fingers together and said, "Let's go back to our hotel now," and I hope that she didn't see me gulp, but I think that she did notice something because she asked,

"What's wrong?"

"I…I might be bad at wedding night duties," I burst out, no longer able to keep it in.

Thing is, I knew that Clare depended on me to make this a beautiful experience for her, and I so desperately wanted to…but it had been a while – a long while – since I had gone all the way, and regardless, I doubt that my fourteen year old self's performance would be enough to make this night what she had dreamed of. I was definitely feeling the pressure, and I thought she might need….a warning.

"Clare…I…I don't want this to be – " I faltered, but she sweetly kissed me before saying,

"Eli…I'm sure you're not bad at wedding night duties. I can tell, you know – whenever we are intimate, you make it perfect for me," she said with a blush on her cheeks.

"That's a little different," I pointed out. "I love you, and I don't want you to be disappointed. And most of all, I really don't want to hurt you. I wish I could take the pain instead of you. I don't want this to be an uncomfortable, painful, and…unfulfilling experience, Clare," I confessed.

"Eli," she said as she gave me a warm smile. "Do you know why our wedding night is so special?" she asked, and I had the feeling that this was a bit of a trap kind of question; one of those ones that there just isn't a right answer to.

"Because…we can be together?" I stumbled.

"No, Eli – because it's just the beginning – it represents one of the _many_ nights we will have together. I don't care about all of those worries that you just mentioned. I just…I really want to be with you, that's all. We've waited a long time, Eli," she softly said.

"God, Clare, trust me – I really want to be with you too, trust me. I love you," I told her, and she stood up slowly, taking my hand and guiding me to follow her. We slowly packed up all of our things, and I was actually glad that we seemed to be in no rush – I didn't want to rush anything tonight.

I then led her up the stairs that led from the beach to the road level and we walked hand in hand to our hotel. We were staying in the honeymoon suite, which was actually a really nice private cabana – when I had looked up the hotel, I really wanted to make sure that it could be a private, beautiful space that would make Clare feel safe and comfortable, and that is exactly what it was.

I led her into the room and she softly told me,

"I'm going to get changed," and I wondered what that meant…she was just wearing one of those little bikinis that drove me nuts and a gorgeous blue dress over it, what exactly did she want to change into? I was definitely a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to slide her out of her wedding dress, because in my mind that's what wedding night had sort of fantasizingly played out as, before I realized all of the logistics that were really involved.

I took the time to make sure I looked all right as well, and when the door to the bathroom opened, I couldn't help but flash her a wide smirk and slowly approach her until I could whisper in her ear,

"I was hoping you'd wear that. Sneaky little devil, didn't even tell me you brought it with us," I teased, glad to see her in her beautiful white dress…just the way I had always imagined it.

"One of the many advantages of not buying one of those poofy dresses – is that it fits easily in a suitcase. It's our wedding night, I wanted to wear it," she said with the most adorable shrug that made me kiss her at once.

The kiss was slow and gentle, and I felt her hands travel to my shoulders as my hands caressed the corset of her dress. Once we broke the kiss, she stared at me so intensely – I felt that she could see right through me – and she kissed my cartilage piercing as I felt my body tremble a bit. I then felt Clare's hands travel down my shoulders and grip my back and she gently raised one of her legs over my hips. I took the welcomed hint and gently grasped the back of her thighs so that I could carry her, and she giggled at my sudden movement and tangled her hands in my hair.

I walked us to the large bed and gently laid her down on top of the golden silky sheets, and her hands traveled to undo the buttons of my dress white shirt, a mission she accomplished rather quickly. Her soft hands then traveled to my shoulders and she slid the shirt away from my body as I moved to take out the flower pin that she had in her hair. It came out easily and I shook her curls as she reached up urgently and began a long and deep kiss that told me just how badly she wanted this and how sure she was of herself. I could already feel her chest rising and falling quickly, the hardwire of the tip of her corset colliding against my chest in a way that was starting to drive me crazy. Clare's hands were traveling all over my back, and their softness was making my every muscle twitch as our kisses became more urgent and she was already rewarding me with soft moans. When her hands caressed my chest, I could feel my breathing increase rapidly, and when she undid my belt buckle and the button of my pants, I heard myself let out a moan of my own as my hands traveled to her side and I found the zipper on her dress.

I could hear her softly pant my name and her hands moved to grip her hair, and she whispered, "I have so many buttons," and indeed, after the zipper on her dress ended, I could now tell that a series of buttons began.

"Clare….trust me, I will take my time with this," I whispered in her ear, and the way her body shivered right after thrilled me to no end. I progressed through the buttons rapidly, but I knew that unlike all of our previous times together, we wouldn't be going clothing piece by clothing piece here – this dress was one sole piece and I didn't want her to feel overwhelmed once I slid it off, and I really wanted to kiss every inch of her, so I felt my body almost give out as I began softly kissing her neck. I took my time in watching each spot that I kissed visibly tremble and get pinker as blood rushed to it, progressing down her collarbones and leaving a few bites as Clare softly called out my name euphorically. Her grip on my back was getting tighter and I could tell that she was enjoying this, so I kissed every exposed area of her skin, sometimes gripping the skin more aggressively with my teeth as Clare would let out tiny little screams that were already pushing me to the edge. I placed a trail of kisses down her left arm which ended with a kiss over her wedding band, and I felt her writhe under me as she breathed,

"Eli…take it off," and I needed to further instruction than that.

I grasped the sides of her dress and she lifted her body off the mattress so I could gently tug it down, and I made sure to keep my gaze on hers as I slowly slid the delicate wedding dress off, and I headed back up the bed so I could kiss her passionately. After I pulled away, I finally let myself scan her body, and…she was so perfect. Her body was arching into mine as she placed her hand around my neck and pulled me down for an urgent kiss. I then felt her slide off my pants and I helped her remove them completely, her hair slightly messy at this point and her chest rising and falling shallowly as she fell back against the pillows and placed my hands over her chest.

"Eli," she breathed, arching into my touch. Even her underwear was…indicative of how delicate she was. It was all delicate white lace, and I slipped her garter off and huskily whispered,

"Something blue?" in her ear and I watched a deep blush creep down to her chest. I slowly then also slid off her white stockings that were connected to her lacy underwear, and the movement of her legs to my side after I did that made my eyes roll back for a minute before I regained my control.

"I love it, your something blue," I assured her and she laughed without any inhibition as she pulled herself up and kissed me again, her entire body trembling. She then gently flipped us over and paid a lot of attention to my chest, trailing urgent kisses all over it, alternating them with soft caresses and playful bites. When I felt her slide my boxers off and stroke me, I had to gently take her hand and I choked back a moan as I explained,

"Woah, okay, I kind of want this to last more than two seconds," because just the heat radiating off of her warm body drove me insane and I hadn't even begun to look after her.

Clare giggled and I took advantage of her little moment of distraction to flip her over, which made her giggle even louder, and I resumed my kisses of her chest, teasing her skin with my tongue as I moved down her body. I felt her hands tightly grip my hair as I moved up to her chest, and my heart skipped a beat in the moment in which she panted,

"Eli. Take it off. Now," referring to her white lacy bra. I almost wanted to pinch myself when I heard her say that – this was a luxury I had never been permitted before, and even though Clare had made it easier for me by wearing really thin silky nightgowns, I had never seen her so intimately. She guided my hands to her back as she lifter herself higher off the bed, and I undid the hook slowly, and then I separated the thin material from her body. I saw her blush as I kept my eyes on hers for a minute, and I then lowered my gaze and slowly began kissing the newly exposed skin, learning its every feature and causing goose bumps to form on her skin. Clare's moans got ever so much louder and her grip on my back became a lot tighter as I moved down her body, and I placed a series of kisses all along the edge of her lace panties before she breathed,

"Take them off, Eli," and I placed a kiss on each of her hipbones before I grasped the delicate lace material and sliding it down her smooth legs as her blush got even deeper.

I placed an arm on each side of her shoulders as I leaned into her and controlled my heavy breathing just long enough to tell her, "Clare…you are so beautiful, and I love you so much," and she breathless replied, "Eli, I love you too". I locked her lips in a deep kiss and allowed my hands to caress her body as her chest pressed against mine. I felt her slowly spread her legs and my hand trailed down her body, and the initial contact made Clare cry my name out loud before she rewarded me with a series of soft but passionate moans.

"Oh God, Eli," I heard her softly exclaim, and I slowly retreated my fingers and began kissing down her body, wanting to make her feel as loved and cared for as possible. I wanted her to feel the least amount of pain possible later, so I needed to make sure that she was ready before I went any further. I felt her hands massaging my scalp as I kissed her very centre and did everything that I could to make her feel good. Her cries became almost frantic and her entire arched body was heaving as she was repeating my name over and over again until she breathed,

"Stop, stop," and I knew that I had taken her really close, so I pulled away and softly touched her one last time, the quivering of her thighs calming down a bit.

"Clare… did I do something that - did I hurt you?" I asked in fear, wanting to make sure that we were communicating well here.

"God, no, Eli, you are…this is incredible," she moaned, a blissful look on her face. She then trailed both of her hands down my chest before she said,

"I just…I was almost – I want you, Eli," she plainly said, and I couldn't help but smirk at her.

"I wanted to make sure you were ready," I breathed, and she locked her gaze with mine before reaching up to kiss me and saying,

"I am," and she stroked me again, causing me to close my eyes and exhale deeply. I then moved to find my pants as their pocket contained precious cargo, but Clare grabbed my hand and pulled me back on top of her and she softly said,

"No, Eli, I don't want us to use one". I widened my eyes at her – because I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I asked,

"You've been on birth control for long enough now or something…?" but Clare just grinned up at me and said,

"No. I'm not on anything. I…want your child. I want us to try and have a baby soon, and I know you do too, Eli. I know you do," she said, surprising me completely. Of course I wanted that – I had wanted that for a long time, but I hadn't expected her to…want to start right away. But then again, this little declaration jogged my memory to a particular crantini-filled night, and I couldn't help but smirk at her and ask,

"Because the point of wedding night is to make babies?" and she giggled incessantly before she answered,

"Exactly," and kissed my neck, almost making my arms give out from under me.

"You're sure?" I asked again, and she nodded eagerly.

"God, Clare, I love you," I breathed out, and she arched her body really deeply into mine, and I could tell that she was just as ready as I was. She gently adjusted her body a little and softly moaned,

"Eli…make love to me," and the sight of her in this moment was almost more than I could take.

I caressed her cheek as I whispered, "I…tell me the second you feel uncomfortable, or if you need me to go slower, or anything – but tell me, okay?" and Clare kissed my piercing before whispering, "I will".

I placed a kiss on her now misty forehead as I adjusted myself over her – she was so small and fragile and all I wanted to do was to make this special for her.

**Clare's POV**

"I love you," I softly told him, knowing he was weary of hurting me, but as I felt the contact, I kept my focus on the way he was running his hands up and down my shoulder and the way he kept his lips on my hairline, pressing them to my forehead again and again. The passionate kiss that he gave me muffled my most urgent cry, and while I did feel pain, I felt no fear. Eli was moving slowly and giving me so much time to calm down and adjust, and his caresses of my arms, and kisses of all parts of my face took my focus away from the moment of pain. I could tell that this wasn't easy for him either, but our lips met over and over again with patient trust until I breathed deeply and I felt my body become a little more relaxed.

"Eli," I moaned, hoping he would understand what I meant, and he did as his movements began, slow and stable as his eyes scanned mine.

"_Oh_," I let out, no longer a cry of pain, but one of complete sweet surrender. I could feel my eyes flutter open and closed in a way that was out of my control. His body was radiating heat as it was moving against mine and I hung onto his back, tracing my hands up and down and as our speed increased, moving my hands to his hair.

"C-Clare," I heard him attempt to say, "Are you okay?" he asked, concern lacing his voice.

"I'm- I'm perfect," I assured him, and I surrendered to the pulsating rhythm that was reverberating through my entire body. My moans increased in volume and frequency and I could see Eli also starting to relax now that he saw that I was fine, and I could only focus on the unity between the two of us, on his rapid breathing and powerful moans. Every single breath fanned the flame as we met over and over again, exchanging kisses whenever we could and pulling away to breathe. Eli was caressing my chest and entire body and I could tell that he was shivering a little, and I knew that he was trying to hold on for me, always putting me ahead of him. I knew that he wanted to make this a pleasurable experience for me, but it already was so perfect, so I pulled him a little lower down and guided his hand down my body, wanting to communicate to him that he shouldn't be afraid to do this. He understood my message quickly, because after he initiated a long kiss, I felt the contact and I threw my head back as I repeated his name over and over again, moaning so loudly that I knew that he could tell that I was close. I held onto his shoulders and raised my upper body off the bed and into his embrace as Eli's hands travelled to my back to support me. As I lost all control of my breathing, I felt Eli kiss my shoulder and my face fell to the crook of his neck and I called out his name blissfully, pleasure overtaking me and causing my entire body to tremble as Eli gently lowered me back onto the soft satin sheets.

"Oh my God, Eli," I panted as my chest was rising and falling erratically and he softly smirked at me. I could tell that he was really close to his own release, and I didn't want him to stop to look after me, so I assertively told him, "Don't stop," and it was only a few seconds later that his arms gave out and he supported himself on his forearms, in an obvious attempt not to hurt me in any way. He was being even more protective and gentle with me tonight than usual, and I knew that the way that he had treated me was the reason why I was able to give myself to him so confidently and the reason why I was relaxed enough to experience total surrender.

"Clare, I-I," he struggled to say as his entire body was shaking along mine, but I just silenced him with a kiss. I then felt him kiss every part of my body that he could reach, and his soft kisses caused my shaking muscles to calm down. He gently brushed my bangs out of my face and wiped my forehead before placing a gentle kiss on my cheek. I felt him separate our bodies and I softly gasped and closed my eyes as Eli then pulled me into a gentle embrace and caressed my entire body lovingly.

"Are you okay?" he whispered as he was still calming the trembling of my body.

"Eli…I've never felt more looked after and loved that tonight," I confessed, and I felt him give me a gentle squeeze as my teary eyes met his slightly red ones.

"I love you, Clare," he confidently said, and I echoed the same sentiment as I snuggled deeply into his side.

"Eli?" I softly asked him as he threw one of the soft sating sheets over us and he kept caressing my body on the outside of the sheet, his gentle touch making me feel completely safe and content.

"I'm doing to take my ring off," and I did so. I always thought this would be a difficult moment, but…I had a much more meaningful wedding ring on my finger now, as well as the ring that Eli had given me in England on my other hand, and I loved my engagement ring so much that I also wore that one. I then placed my purity ring in Eli's hand, opening it up for him as he had no clue what I was doing. I explained to him,"You keep it, okay? If we have a girl, I'd like her to wear it," and I saw him nod and give me a loving look.

"Me too, Clare. Me too," he replied, and he then kissed my shoulder playfully before he teased,

"So? Thinking we made a baby already, huh?" and I reached up and kissed his neck with a few giggles before I answered,

"Oh, Eli, that's so silly – I think we are going to need much, _much_ more practice," and he shot me a pleased smug smirk before I rested my head on his chest again.

XXXXXXXXXXXX **–Four months later-**

**Clare's POV**

"How were classes?" Clare asked me after she placed a sweet kiss on my lips. She had the radio on in our sunny, country-style kitchen, and she was barefoot, dancing ever so slightly as she prepared dinner and I washed my hands so I could help her.

"They were good – just coming up to a marking blitz though," I said with a frown.

"And that meeting of the Department?" she asked, and I loved how she remembered every detail of my day.

"I told them about that offer I got to write a new book, and they seemed pleased," I informed her as I stole another kiss. "Cucumbers?" I asked with a raised eyebrow, knowing that Clare usually hated them, but she had passed me one to cut up.

"Yes, they'll taste nice in that salad," she said with a sassy little smile before she removed the knife from my hands and said,

"Eli, I have some news too".

"You got the verdict back on the racism case?" knowing that she was waiting to hear on that.

"Not exactly," she said before she took both of my hands in hers and said, "I know what I want to do with the third room now," and this was good news. Other than our master bedroom, we had made an office with two desks that we both spent a lot of time in from the second room, but the other two we were kind of just using as storage.

"What should we make it into?" I asked curiously, wondering if Clare wanted some type of spa or something like that.

She was teasing me, however, leaning in to kiss me before answering, and just touching her lips to mine before she pulled away and whispered, "A nursery," and I dropped my jaw in shock.

"Right, um for the future, right?" not wanting to get my hopes up just to have them destroyed.

Clare beamed proudly up at me and immediately said, "For the future that will come in eight months, yes".

"You're pregnant? You're sure?" I asked, trying to keep myself together, but I knew that it was clear that I was just beside myself with happiness. Clare…was going to have my child?

"I took a test today, didn't go to the doctor's or anything, but…I'm quite sure, Eli," she said, and I kissed her at once, picking her up gently and twirling her around our sunny kitchen as she giggled madly.

"Oh my God, Clare, I thought I couldn't be any happier than the day that I married you. But this…we're gonna have a baby! Me and you, our baby," and I leaned down and kissed her stomach.

"I know," she said softly as I leaned in for another kiss.

"I love you," I told her as I placed a hand over her stomach and she closed her eyes at my touch.

XXXXXXXX –**Later that night-**

**Clare's POV**

"Eli…why are you up?" I said sleepily as I leaned over and caressed his chest. I could see that he was holding his Kindle and he just had the whitest look on his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I got up and turned on my lamp as well. I knew that he had an article to write and he was staying up…but it was now 3am. He would be good for no lectures tomorrow if he was so exhausted.

"Clare…." he whispered as he softly caressed my stomach.

"What are you reading?" I asked him as I rubbed my eyes.

"I…this book that Daniel recommended; _What to Expect When Your Wife Is Expecting_, he said it helped him a lot when Imogen was pregnant," Eli whispered, but I could tell that he was in a complete panic. He placed his arm securely around me and pulled me in so he could lightly kiss my forehead.

"And…?" I asked, needing more information here.

"Clare…there's a chapter in here about…complications," and I instantly didn't like the direction he was taking. He had clearly spooked himself out with all those diagrams and examples of the worst things that could happen by reading them in the middle of the night.

I heard his voice break as he said, "Clare…I want a baby with you so much, you know that. But…what have I done to you? I just read about a case where a mom's baby died before being born and two days later the mom died of sepsis, Clare. The mom. And the baby, Clare…if something like that – I just can't, I can't – we could always have another baby, but if I lost you, oh God, Clare - we have to do something," he frantically said.

"Eli, Eli, stop," I told him assertively and he ran his hand through his hair and said, "Clare…this is a huge thing – pregnancy and I can't….it's so…out of my control. And I didn't even know any of this stuff," he continued, gesturing to some diagrams in that book, "until now".

"Eli – stop psyching yourself out. It's a big process but…it's a natural one, Eli. That's what my mom told me on the phone after I told you our good news. She said to remember that this is a very natural process, and she also said another thing, which is a point in our favour," I pointed out.

"What?" Eli asked, his green eyes shining with worry.

"She said that girls tend to take after their moms when it comes to pregnancies. My mom didn't have any complications with either me or Darcy, in getting pregnant, or in the entire pregnancy, or at birth. It'll be okay, Eli. If you help me and will be there with me, it'll be okay," I encouraged him.

"But my mom…she said that the doctors told her she shouldn't have another baby after me," he said with shaking hands.

"Well, then it's a good thing _you're_ not pregnant, silly – it doesn't matter, we have to look at my mom, not yours," I pointed out with a laugh that seemed to relax Eli.

"Clare – tomorrow, first thing, doctor's appointment, okay? I need to…learn more about this," Eli said and I nodded at once, because I did need one of those.

"Okay, love, okay," I told him as I snuggled into him more and I felt him caress my stomach.

"We'll use Daniel and Imogen's doctor – Daniel said she was really good," Eli went on as he began twirling one of my curls between his index and middle finger.

"Eli, we don't need to use a private doctor," I replied.

"Clare, please. I want someone we can trust, Daniel and Imogen used her. Please," he repeated, and I gave in, knowing how important this was to Eli.

"And after the baby is born, I don't want to leave you alone all day with everything. I already emailed the Department Head with my requested hours for the semester; I worked it out so I can have Tuesdays and Thursdays off, so that way I will be home for four days out of the week. I want you to rest those days, stay in bed, or go out, or do whatever you want, while I can stay and look after the baby. It's important that you get a break, and while I may not be able to do everything for a baby that you can, I'm going to be here those days, and of course all evenings. I'm going to take good care of you, Clare, okay?" I heard Eli finally say after he calmed down a bit and just before we both were almost back asleep.

"I know you will, Eli. I know you will," I assured him.

XXXXXXXXXXX –**Eight months later- **

**Clare's POV**

"Oh yummy, thanks," I said to Eli as he sat down next to me on the couch after handing me a dinner plate with all of the things that he knew I liked best on it.

After we finished eating and Eli was slowly massaging my back as his legs straddled mine on the couch, I moved his hands to my stomach so he could feel the baby kicking.

"Girl. For sure girl," Eli said as he moved his hands around my stomach. We had both wanted to be surprised and we had asked our doctor to not tell us the gender, but we were in a bit of a disagreement when it came to our guesses.

"What makes you so sure? I think it's a boy," I teased him, but just then I felt…something strange and I sat up as fast as a nine-month pregnant girl can, Eli gently helping me.

"I...I have to go to the washroom," I said as I felt my cheeks blazing. I _always_ needed to go to the washroom these days…but this was very embarrassing…I had always previously made it.

"Um, Clare…"I heard Eli start to say, and I was just about mortified.

"Oh God, Eli, get away, this is so embarrassing," unable to process what had just happened. But then…it felt wrong. All wrong…

"Oh my God, my water broke," I whispered as Eli urgently nodded his head.

"Okay, sit down, sit down, I'll get the bag, and we'll be out of here in a second," he said, and he was back just a minute later and helping me into the Jeep.

"Clare, I got you. Don't worry," Eli told me as he began driving, and I loved how secure and assertive he was being. He continued being that way as we made our way into the hospital, as our doctor came in to meet us with a smile, and….then the contractions and the pain came, and…it was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I couldn't believe that people actually lived through something like this, and I had definitely gotten an epidural, but it was still…so bad.

It also didn't help that I had to wear one of those horrible robes and have four different people stare at my exposed body, and I could tell that Eli was able to read everything that I was feeling, because he cast me the most sympathetic glances that I have ever received in my life. He was direct but kind to all of the doctors and nurses, and his hand never left mine for a minute. When things got really bad, he kept his lips pressed to my hairline, giving me soft pressing kisses and pushing my sweaty hair away from my face. I was told that any minute now, I would be done, but…it was…so exhausting, and I hated how long it was taking. It had been…twelve hours already, and I just wanted to be done.

"Eli….it hurts…I want to go home, take me home, make this be over, please," I whined, and I could see tears in his eyes as he said, "Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry, I can't even – I can't even…what can I do to make you feel better? Tell me, just tell me and I'll do it," he pleased as I gripped his hand tighter.

"Tell me something to keep my mind off of this," I gritted out as I felt him pushing my hair away from my face and pressing his lips over and over again to my forehead.

"Okay, okay…when we get out of here, we are going to take our little girl – my guess still stands – with us, and we'll show her her new nursery, and even if she won't understand what they are, she's going to like the clouds painted on the ceiling, and my parents and your parents will see her, and so will all our friends, and she'll sleep in our arms, and call you 'mommy' and her room will change over time from a Barbie and Disney princess paradise to different colors, different interests, different tastes in music, but throughout all of that, she'll keep calling you 'mommy' and me 'daddy', and we'll teach her how to read, and take her to rock shows, and we'll protect her and love her, and she'll come to our workplaces at career day, and when a punk asks her out you'll try to convince me to give him a chance and not be so protective, and when she's…twenty-eight I think I will finally agree, and when that punk comes to pick her up, I'm gonna tell him that all he needs to know is that I have a hunting rifle and a shovel and that if anything happens to my little girl that night, I doubt that anyone will miss him," he said, and I couldn't help but attempt a laugh at that vision.

I then took a deep breath as I saw the doctor gesture something towards Eli and I looked in my husband's eyes and said, "Okay. I'm ready, Eli. Let's meet our baby, I want to meet our baby," and I kept his hand in mine the entire time. When it was finally over, I collapsed against the bed in pure exhaustion as I heard the tiny cries fill the room. The baby was fine. It was crying; it was fine, and I knew I was okay as well. I closed my eyes for a minute before I saw Eli hold the pinkest, softest, and most perfect baby down to me and he had a film of tears in his eyes as he said,

"It's a little girl".

"Emily," I pronounced as I looked down at her and Eli passed her into my arms. "She…Emily is a good name," and Eli nodded at once. We had a few names selected and we had agreed that we would wait until seeing the baby to give it one…but Emily was perfect. She was going to be named after her daddy; because she wouldn't exist if I didn't have my Eli, and the letters of her name reflecting that…would be perfect.

"Clare…the doctors say you did so well. Amazing as always. Rest now, okay?" Eli said, tears still in his eyes as he kept pushing my hair back and he helped me settle down with a clean blanket in a clean new bed as the nurses insisted that Emily had to be taken to the nursery and have her birth certificate drawn up and such.

I settled down in the new bed, still very sore, and I was finally able to give Eli a proper kiss. He refused to go home and return after a nap, so I just pulled him onto my bed, and even that took very much convincing on my part as Eli was deathly afraid of hurting me.

"Hey," I heard him softly say, "We have a baby. A little girl," in an incredulous tone.

"Emily," I sighed happily. "She's ours".

XXXXXXXXX

When I woke up the next afternoon – Emily had been born at one am – I saw my parents as well as Eli's parents in our room, and just a few minutes later Adam and Lana came in. They had all seen Emily in the nursery, but she was quickly brought to me and I called Eli over to my bed as we stared in amazement at her perfect little toes and fingers. Whenever I caught a glimpse of Eli holding her, I was taken aback at how…he looked even more protective and gentle than ever, if such a thing was possible. I knew that Eli would never let anybody hurt or, or leave her misplaced and break her heart. He was her daddy, and he would look after her just as he had looked after me so well.

I then stood up a little and Eli brought me some lunch, and just as I was wrapping up, Dylan and Scotty and Angela came by with flowers and some presents, and I am pretty sure that I have never seen Eli smirk more widely nor that I have ever blushed more furiously than in the moment in which Dylan and Scotty exchanged fist bumps with Eli, telling him,

"Well, here we are – now you and Clare are _finally _mommy and daddy," and I couldn't help but burst out in laughter.

They were right.

We _were_ finally mommy and daddy.

That night, everyone left and after Eli and I packed up our room as I was now ready to leave as well and there was nothing that we wanted more than to bring our little girl home, he drove us home, glancing in the backseat ever so gently.

We decided to move the crib into our master bedroom because neither of us felt okay with leaving Em so far away, in a completely separate room all by herself, and she spent most of the night crying and fussing, but Eli was so fantastic, taking care of everything but the feedings obviously, because I think he could tell how tired I was.

As he was slowly massaging my back once Emily had fallen asleep, I felt him place a gold necklace with a delicate red stone on it, and as I turned around and asked,

"Eli? What's this?"

"That is Emily's birthstone, and it's a necklace for you obviously. I just…thought it would be a nice reminder of this amazing day, for you to wear her birthstone around your neck. I love you, Clare. I…can't even imagine my life without you," he sighed, and I gave him a deep kiss at once.

"I love it, it's beautiful. I…am so happy, Eli. I have everything that I have ever wanted," I emphatically told him.

"Me too, sweetheart, me too," he replied as he gently leaned me downwards onto the bed and I rewarded him with many more kisses before we both fell asleep.

XXXXXXXX

And eight years later, my gold necklace had gained two more birth stones – a green one for our little boy Ryan who was now six years old, and a purple one for our daughter Kate who was now four. But if there was one thing that had not changed in the past eight years, it was…the way that Eli beautifully stood by me, protecting, honouring, and loving me in every way possible – always thinking about me and our little guys first. Their bedrooms had indeed undergone several transformations, but there was not a wish these kids had that Eli failed to grant, but through gentle but responsible parenting I was very proud that they had not ended up spoiled either. They were…perfect.

It was everything that I ever wanted…my family. With Eli's love, I knew that there was nothing that I couldn't do and no situation in which I would ever feel alone. Eli would never leave me misplaced or stressed or hurt, and there was nothing that he wouldn't do for us. And as I brushed my teeth and prepared for bed, these thoughts would always come to me…how lucky I am that I have Eli waiting right there for me, probably marking or writing – the bookshelf that had started our containing just the story of us now had six other novels on it, and Eli had never changed his mind about leaving his teaching position at U of T. It was something that he loved doing, just as I loved working as a lawyer for the Human Rights Tribunal.

I crept into bed next to him and after he put his lecture notes away he lovingly pulled me on top of him for a few kisses as his hands slowly massaged my back. I saw him smirk when he noticed that just a few kisses from him were still enough to make me lightly shiver, and I rolled my eyes playfully and asked him,

"Ready for rounds?" which was our tradition; we'd visit each of our little guys before bed, just to tuck them in and make sure they were all right.

"Sure am," he said with a smirk and we headed into Emily's room first. Its now green walls were complimented by light oak furniture. Her desk was overflowing with pictures, books, and comic books and she had he iPOD connected to the speakers that were on the mini stage in her room. Once we had realized Emily's talent for music – guitar especially, Eli had bought her some sound equipment, enrolled her in lessons at her request, and built a little stage in her room that had a guitar stand and everything else that she needed.

"Hi mommy, hi daddy," she softly said from her bed as her blue eyes fixed on us and her bouncy curls moved a little as she giggled at the movie that was playing on the small TV she had been allowed to have in her room just in time for her last birthday. Her bed had four posts, much like the one Eli and I had in our master bedroom, except it was a smaller version of it.

"Hey, kiddo," Eli said as he collapsed next to her on the bed and she crawled into his open arms while I sat down at the end of the bed, admiring them both.

Emily told us all about her day at school, and even played us a song on her guitar before we tucked her in and moved to Ryan's room.

At all of eight years old, Ryan was already a mini-Eli if there ever existed one. His room was always a little messier than I preferred it, and it had band posters all over it, and he had even commandeered Eli's large British flag fashion – Eli had a conference in London last semester and we made a family trip out of it, and Ryan had adapted to the British rock scene ever since.

"Hey," he told us with his daddy's smirk as his dark hair obviously needed a comb-through. His green eyes, however, shone with quick wit as he began explaining to us the latest science adventure that he had begun working on…and Eli and I praised him diligently. Ryan's interest in science was something that did differentiate him from his daddy, but Eli absolutely loved to see Ryan so committed to all of his different experiments, and he drew the line at almost nothing, which made for some interesting scientific discoveries on Ryan's part.

And our last stop was Kate's room. She was only four but already starting to read. Eli had been the one to teach Ryan and Emily how to read, and I always think that part of the reason why all of our kids are so interested in their hobbies is because both Eli and I are always working at home on our own projects for work, and the kids just diligently follow in our footsteps. Eli and I took turns reading _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs _to Kate, and she was asleep about halfway through, which represented the end of our rounds.

This meant that Eli and I could now retreat to bed ourselves, and just as I snuggled into his warm body, I heard loud thunder outside, and it didn't let up in the next few minutes; if anything, it only got louder. Eli quickly went to check on Kate and he came back with her little body safely resting in his arms, her little fingers gripping his biceps ever so tightly as she softly cried in his embrace.

"Oh, sweetheart, it's okay, it's okay," I told her as she rested between Eli and I in our bed, and after Eli went to retrieve _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs _and he finished reading it, she was beginning to feel a bit better despite the fact that the thunder really had not let up at all. We then heard Emily shyly open the door and I moved over and patted a spot on the bed at once. She crawled over to Eli's lap and he moved her curls out of her face delicately and she gave her daddy a soft kiss on the cheek before I saw her sleepily rest her head on his chest.

"Shh. Shh. It's okay, sweetheart. You can sleep here tonight with mommy and daddy," Eli told Emily and she rewarded him with one of her bright smiles…that Eli told me would always remind him so much of my own smile.

"Who's coming?" Emily then asked, being able to hear the same footsteps that Eli and I did.

"It's probably just Ryan honey, it's okay, the storm must have woken him up," I re-assured her.

"No, it can't be Ryan, he's not scared," Emily replied at once, obviously being more convinced by her brother's frequent assertions of his heroism than Eli and I were.

However, when the door flung open, it turned out to be no one else, and Ryan shook his black hair out for a second before he said,

"Um, hey guys. I just…wanted to make sure that everyone was safe. That the girls were safe," he said as he locked his gaze with Eli's. I could barely control my giggles when I saw Eli nod ever so seriously at Ryan and reply,

"Good job, big guy, coming to look after them. I'm going to need your help," and he patted down a spot next to him on our large bed. Ryan quickly hopped on, and the kids were gone in just a few minutes. I felt Eli's arm wrap securely around me and he teased,

"It's all right, Clare. You're well protected, I've got you," and I leaned in for a deep kiss before I answered,

"I know, Eli. I've always known," and the sparkle in his green eyes before he closed them told me he understood exactly what I meant.


End file.
